The Adventures of Gweg and Satyr

9/11: The Musical!

2011-09-11T03:56:00.000-04:00

Gweg looked at the credit card in his hand and wondered why the world was against him.

Gweg: Can we try it again?

Gweg was at a pharmacy. He needed to restock on Excedrin. Living with Satyr resulted in a daily headache. The cashier was a nice old lady with a lot of patience, Gweg was happy to note. This would be his fifth attempt at getting the card to go through.

Gweg: I don't know what the problem is. I never use this card.

Cashier: Do you have any cash?

Gweg: Afraid not.

He ran it through the slot. The card was declined again.

Gweg: I'm sorry. I'll put back.

Cashier: It's ok. I'll get one of the stock boys to get it, that's what they are paid for.

Gweg looked at the card again.

Gweg: Guess I'll go home and give them a call and see what's up.

Cashier: Hope everything works out for you. Have a nice day.

Gweg got out to his car and wondered why people couldn't be as nice as her all the time.

Satyr: I don't give a rats ass, you dumb shit. I want that stuff there tomorrow! It's very important. If it's not there, it'll be your ass. Now that you can god damn guarantee.

Satyr had just got done talking to a delivery service that guaranteed overnight delivery. They called him, explaing they had an issue with one of the packages. Satyr was not pleased, but he wasn't going to let it deter him.

He picked up the phone again and dialed out.

Satyr: Hello. It's Satyr. Yes indeed. I'll be there in an hour. Yes, I'm excited too. We'll be the talk of the nation. Yes. See you soon.

He got off the phone and heard the door opening. Gweg walked in.

Gweg: You need the phone? I need to call the credit card company

Satyr: Don't bother, I maxed it out.

Gweg: You what!?!

Satyr: Before you get your panties in a bunch, just listen. In one hour, I'll be starting a project that will gain national attention. It's going to be huge! Unfortunately, the people I'm going to be working with were not able to procure some of the funds we needed. So, I used your card to make up for it.

Gweg: I want that money back now. Not tomorrow, now.

Satyr: Think of it as an investment. When this takes off, you will get your money back, tenfold.. I promise.

Gweg: Your promises mean nothing.

Satyr: How about some collateral then?

Gweg: Like what?

Satyr: My used condom autographed by Amy Winehouse.

Gweg: That's disgusting. I wouldn't want... Wait, how did she autograph it?

Satyr: Magic Marker. We did let it dry off first.

Gweg: It's still sick.

Satyr: Whatever. It's still going to be worth money. Even more now that she's dead.

Gweg: Fine. So, what the hell is this project anyway?

Satyr: You know the TV show Glee?

Gweg: Yes, I think it's a terrific show.

Satyr: I never watched it. But, I do know it's about a bunch of nerds and gays singing popular songs. Now, we need to capitalize on this phenomenon. What I'm going to do is produce an actual school musical production. One that is going to be groundbreaking.

Gweg: What's it going to be about?

Satyr: Are you ready for this?

Gweg: No.

Satyr: 9/11: The Musical!

Gweg: Oh my god.

Almost an hour later, Satyr and Gweg arrived at the school.

Gweg: This is an Elementary School.

Satyr: Thank you Captain Obvious.

Gweg: I figured we'd be doing this at a high school.

Satyr: The other shows do it at high schools. It's become too standard. We need younger talent. Now, I held the auditions earlier this week and I was quite impressed.

Gweg: I've seen you do some deplorable things, but this just might take the cake.

Satyr: I don't know how you can judge me before you've even seen the thing.

Gweg: You're right. It's probably going to be worse.

Satyr: You just wait. It'll be epic.

They made their way inside.

The Principal greeted them.

Principal: Mr. Satyr, welcome! The children are in the auditorium ready to begin.

Satyr: Excellent! They have been practicing their lines, I hope. And know the songs?

Principal: Absolutely. We have suspended their studies have have used the past two days to go over the script.

Satyr: I'm am very pleased at your dedication. Some people don't feel this project is succeed. By the way, this is Gweg, my producer.

Principal: Pleased to meet you. I say nay to the naysayers, once the video of the performance gets out to the world, there will be no denying its greatness.

Satyr: I love your enthusiasm. Let's get to work, shall we?

They went into the auditorium. Gweg saw at least 60 kids on the stage. They looked to be 4th, 5th, and 6th graders.

Gweg: Some of these kids were just born when 9/11 happened.

Satyr: So, you don't think it's important to teach kids about this tragedy?

Gweg: That's not what I said at all. It's just that I feel they may be too young to handle the subject matter.

Satyr: Kids can handle quite a bit. Just ask your Uncle Bob.

Gweg was about to respond to that, but he was caught off guard when Satyr suddenly yelled into a horn loudspeaker.

Satyr: ALL RIGHT KIDS! I NEED YOU TO GROUP UP! AIRPLANE PASSENGERS TO THE LEFT! TERRORISTS RIGHT NEXT TO THEM! TWIN TOWER VICTIMS IN THE MIDDLE! FIREFIGHTERS TO THE RIGHT! NY CITIZENS IN THE BACK!

Gweg: Do you really need that loudspeaker.

Satyr: I need them to hear me Gweg.

Gweg: I don't think that will be a problem with the acoustics in here. You damn near made me go deaf shouting through that thing.

Satyr lifted the speaker to his mouth.

Satyr: FINE! WE'LL DO IT YOUR WAY!

Gweg gave him a sour look.

Satyr walked over to a group of kids sitting in the auditorium seats.

Satyr: You kids the stand ins?

They nodded.

Satyr: Some of the props aren't here yet and they may take a few days to get here. I need a couple of you to be the Twin Towers and 3 of you to be airplanes. All the towers need to do is stand there until on of the planes hits you. Then you'll hold up a piece of poster board that has the drawing of an explosion on it.

Gweg: You can't be serious?

Satyr: Why can't I?

Gweg: This is just too much.

Satyr: It's only temporary till the props get here.

He turned back to the kids.

Satyr: Also, when I cue you, you'll collapse to the floor. Got it? And the planes, well, I'm sure you've pretended to be planes before. Just hold your arms out and makes engine noises. You two will crash into the towers and you will be Flight 93, you'll just fall to the ground.

Gweg rolled his eyes.

Gweg: What about the plane that crashed into the Pentagon?

Satyr: Nobody cares about the damn Pentagon. Besides, there clearly wasn't a plane there.

Gweg: Please don't get started with your conspiracy theories.

Satyr: No time for that Gweg. Let's get this show on the road.

Satyr hopped onto the stage.

Satyr: Ok kids! I am proud to have you in my production of "Ruby Tuesday: The Day That Changed The World For A Couple Of Weeks Until People Stopped Caring About It All Together And Got On With Their Pathetic Lives."

The Principal raised her hand.

Principal: Mr. Satyr, I don't want to question your creativity, but do you think we can shorten that title? It'll be easier to put on the marquee.

Satyr sighed.

Satyr: I knew I'd have to sacrifice something. So be it. "Ruby Tuesday: The Day That Changed The World." Now, let's clear the stage and only have the little terrorists left up here. We'll start from the top.

The kids rehearsed over the next dew days. Satyr was quite pleased with their performance. He knew he was going to bring the house down.

And not in an Indiana State Fair kind of a way.

OPENING NIGHT

Satyr rubbed his hands together.

Satyr: This is it Gweg. Tonight is the night.I'm sweating. I need to relax. Ok. The cameras are set up. We are going to hit Broadway with this. Then the world! It must be such an honor to be able to ride my wave of triumph.

Gweg: It sure is.

Satyr: I'll ignore the sarcasm.

Satyr waled onto the stage. The curtain was down. He could hear a crowd gathering. He had to take a peek.

Satyr: Looks like we're going to have a full house.

A man walked onto the stage.

The Man: Are you the director?

Satyr: Yes I am. Please sir, we need to have you off the stage so we can prepare the show.

The Man: I'm a father of one of the kids in this play. I'm just here to express some of the concerns I and some of the other folks have.

Satyr: Such as?

The Man: I wasn't to keen on having my kid in a musical about 9/11, but the Principal said it was tasteful and beautifully done. "A tremendous tribute to the lives lost of that fateful day" is what she said. Is she right? You're not going to let us down?

Satyr put his arm around the man's shoulder.

Satyr: Listen buddy, there is no way I would dishonor the victims and their families. And no way I would involve kids in such a sacrilege. You have my word, this musical will touch your very heartstrings and make you proud to be an American.

The man smiled and shook Satyr's hand. He left the stage.

Gweg: Proud to be an American eh?

Satyr pointed his finger and Gweg and gave him the look. The look that said, "Don't even bother."

A stagehand came out and spoke with Satyr. Satyr listened and nodded and went back to Gweg.

Satyr: Alrighty. The crowd is seated and the stage is set up for the opening scene. You go have a seat over there and watch the master at work. Curtains up!

The lights dimmed and the curtain opened. A spotlight shown on Satyr. He spoke to the audience.

Satyr: Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome! Pilgrim Elementary presents a Satyr Production of "Ruby Tuesday: The Day That Changed The World-A Musical Based On The Events of 9/11." There will be 9 acts. We will see terrorists gather and plot. We will see New Yorkers reacting to the chaos around them. We will see the heroic efforts of the passengers of United 93. We will see bravery, sadness, evil, but above all else, we will see true patriotism and what it means to be an American. So, let us please take a moment of silence for the lives lost on that fateful day.

The audience bowed their heads.

Satyr: We begin in an airport parking lot. We will see terrorists as they make the final preparations on their deplorable attack. Enjoy the show.

The spotlight went out and Satyr left the stage. The stage lights came on to reveal several children dressed in traditional Muslim garb.

Muhammad: Muhammad!

Muhammad: Yes Muhammad?

Muhammad: Today is a glorious day! Allah be praised!

Muhammad: Indeed. The infidels will not know what hit them. Are you ready Muhammad?

Muhammad: Yes! The Jihad begins today. Down with the America Pigs!

Muhammads: PRAISE ALLAH!

Muhammad: We will hit New York hard. Those symbols of Western Greed will fall.

The music for "New York, New York" by Frank Sinatra started playing. The Muslim Terrorists all donned top hats and brought out canes. They formed a line and started dancing and singing.

Muhammad: Start spreading the news!

Muhammad: We're leaving today!

Muhammad: We're going to be a part of it...

Muhammads: New York, New York!

Muhammad: We'll turn the planes on the loose!

Muhammad: We'll fly all the way!

Muhammad: Right through the very heart of it!

Muhammads: New York, New York!

Muhammad: Those Christians and Jews!

Muhammad: They'll be melting away!

Muhammad: We'll make a brand new start of it!

Muhammads: In! Old! New! York!

The music trailed off, the lights dimmed, and the curtains closed.

Satyr smiled and stepped onto the stage.

Satyr: Act 2! Now we'll see life on the streets of New York, before tragedy arrives. We will meet our hero, Ashton Cinder and the love of his life, Ruby Tuesday. We'll also see various New Yorkers as they start their day.

The stage lit up to reveal a New York City backdrop, with the Twin Towers in the foreground.

7 kids entered the stage. They were all playing various citizens.

Citizen 1: Good morning!

Citizen 2: Screw you!

Citizen 1: Same to you jerk!

Citizen 3: Ugh, I hate this city. I wish somebody would drop a bomb right on top of it.

Citizen 4: I know what you mean. Somebody needs to take a big chunk out of the Big Apple.

A girl and boy ran onto the stage.

The Girl: Oh Ashton, it is such a beautiful morning!

Ashton: Yes it is Ruby!

Ruby: I can't believe we are going to be married next week!

Ashton: I can't wait, we should get married now!

Ruby: We can't! You know your parents are flying from Boston to LA today to meet my parents. They'll all be here next week. It'll be wonderful!

Ashton: It is. I just hope there are no fires that day.

Ruby: Oh no Mister Fireman! There will be no firefighting that day. The only suit you're putting is your tuxedo.

Ashton: You're the boss. So, are you nervous about your first day of work?

Ruby: The World Trade Center. I finally get to work in it. I've been in love with those building since I first saw them. They are majestic.

Ashton: You know how I know they are tall enough to reach Heaven?

Ruby: How?

Ashton: Because today there is going to be an angel inside of them.

Ruby hugged and kissed him

Ruby: Maybe I shouldn't start work today?

Ashton: Why?

Ruby started to twirl around. The music to "It's a Beautiful Morning" by The Rascals began playing.

Ruby: It's a beautiful morning! Ahhh I think I'll stay outside for a while! And just smile! Just take in some clean fresh air, boy! Ain't no sense staying inside! If the weather's fine and you've got the time!

Ruby and Ashton: It's your chance to wake up and plan another brand new day! Either way! It's a beautiful morning!

The music ended.

Ashton: I wish we could, but we both have work to do.

Ruby: I know. I'll see you later baby. I love you.

Ashton: I love you too.

They kiss and walk away from each other. The curtain closes.

Satyr stepped out into the spotlight.

Satyr: Act 3! We will visit an office inside the North Tower. We will be with them as doom approaches.

The curtain lifted and the lights went on to reveal an office setting. 5 kids were on the stage.

Worker 1: Where's Sam at?

Worker 2: Sam called off. He's probably out with you know who.

Worker 1 laughed. Worker 3 stood up from his desk, holding a phone.

Worker 3: Hey guys! I'm going to go ahead and order lunch. It's pizza today! What do y'all want?

The workers shouted out their orders.

Worker 3: Ok, we'll need one small pepperoni, one medium meat lovers, and one large plain. Okay, thank you.

He hung the phone up.

Worker 3: It'll be here soon guys.

Worker 3 went to the window.

Worker 3: Damn, they're fast.

Worker 1 went to the window

Worker 1: I knew I should have got some toppings.

Worker 4: What is it guys?

The music to "Jet Airliner" by The Steve Miller Band started playing.

Worker 3: Goodbye to all my friends at home.

Worker 1: Goodbye to all the people I trusted.

Worker 3: We got top get out and make our way!

Worker 1: We won't get free we're going to get busted!

Worker 3: My heart keeps beating faster as I see that 767.

Worker 1: It's riding high and I got tears in my eyes.

Worker 3: You we'll be going through Hell before we get to Heaven.

All the Workers: Ohhhh Big Ol' Jet Airliner, Don't carry us too far away. ohhh Big Ol' Jet Airliner, cause it's here to blow us away!

The music faded and the curtain closed. As it did, an explosion was heard through the speakers.

Satyr stepped into the spotlight.

Satyr: Act 4! We will now see reactions throughout New York.

The curtain raised. On the stage was a mockup of a fire station. We see Ashton looking at a picture of Ruby.

Ashton: Next week, the love of my life will be my wife. Good times Frank.

Frank: It's going to be a beautiful wedding. Thanks for making me your best man.

Ashton: That's because you are my best man. The best friend I ever had.

The alarm went off. The Chief ran in.

The Chief: Boys, we've got a serious problem. A plane crashed into the North World Trade Tower.

Frank: Oh no! Ruby started work there today, didn't she?

Ashton grinned at his friends concern.

Ashton: Don't worry pal. She's in the South Tower. She'll be fine. I imagine she scared out of wits right now, but I'll deal with that later. Come on ,we got work to do!

Ashton put on his gear and the curtain closed. 2 minutes later, it opened to reveal a bedroom setting. A boy and a girl were laying in bed.

The Girl: Oh Sam, I'm glad you took off work to visit me.

Sam: Anytime baby. I get away from work, get away from the wife nd get to spend time with my favorite girl.

The girl giggled.

A phone started to ring.

Sam: Oh, that's my cell. Ugh, it's the wife. Let's see what she wants. Hey honey, what's up? Yeah, of course I'm fine. Why do you sound panicked. Yes, of course I'm at work, where else would I be. I Helen, I'm working hard today, ain't I?

Sam winked at the girl. She took the phone.

Helen: Yes, he's been hard at it today.

She handed it back to Sam.

Sam: That was just the secretary. See, nothing to worry about. So, why are you so worried?

Sam listened, frowned and put the phone down. He then picked up a TV controller.

Over the speakers, we hear a news reporter talking about the plain hitting the North Tower.

Sam: Oh crap.

The curtain closed. 2 minutes later, it opened to reveal a New York street. The backdrop now featured a burning hole in the North Tower.

The music to "New York Minute" by Don Henley started playing.

Citizen 1: There was a plane. It hit the tower.

Citizen 2: Now we stand here, under this debris shower.

Citizen 1: The building's still on fire. Perhaps we should cower?

Citizen 2: I hope it was an accident and not the end of the world.

All citizens: In a New York Minute, ooh-ah-oohhh. Anything can change! In A New York Minute, Ooh-ah-oohhh, Things can get pretty strange! In a New York Minute, ohh-ah-oohh, Everything can change! In a New York Minute, ooh-ah-oohh-oohhh.

Music fades. Curtain closed. Over the speaker, we now hear the 2nd plane approach the South Tower and hit it.

Satyr: Act 5! The 2nd plane has hit the South Tower. People are now aware that these are no accidents, but the acts of courageous men carrying out a mission they think is just. As that realization sets in, people stuck in the Towers above the points of impact decide their fate.

The curtain opens to reveal a mock up two floors of the South Tower from the outside. 4 of the windows have been removed. 4 Kids are hanging out of the holes. There is a blue mat in front of the mock building.

The music to "Bodies" by Drowning Pool starts playing.

Victim 1: Beaten, why for?

Victim 2: Why for?

Victim 1: Can't take much more!

Victim 3: Here we go! Here we go! Here we go!

Victim1: Nothing wrong with me!

Victim 2: Nothing wrong with me!

Victim 3: Nothing wrong with me!

Victim 4: Nothing wrong with me!

Victim 1: Something's got to give!

Victim 2: Something's got to give!

Victim 3: Something's got to give!

Victim 4: Now!

Victim 1: Let the bodies hit the floor! Let the bodies hit the floor! Let the bodies hit the flooooor!

Victim 1 then throws himself out of the window and onto the the mat.

The song continues on until all 4 kids have jumped.

The curtain closes.

Satyr: We will now visit the passengers of Flight 93. We will see how these heroes fought back to stop the brave terrorists who volunteered to give their lives for a greater cause.

The curtain opens to reveal a mock up af an airplane cabin. We see three kids dressed as Muslims and 6 kids acting as passengers.

Muhammad: Ok American Pigs. Just stay in your seats and no one will get hurt.

All 3 terrorists let out a snicker.

The 6 passengers were gathered together so the terrorists could keep a better eye on them. They whispered to each other.

Todd Beamer: Are you sure this plan will work?

Edward Felt: Yes. They are going to crash this plane into a building. We have to do something.

Passenger 57: I agree. We need to do this.

Beamer: Are you guys ready? Let's roll!

The passengers got up. The music to "We Are The World" by Michael Jackson and some other people started to play.

Beamer: There comes a time, when we head a certain call! When the world must come together as one!
There are people dying and it's time to lend a hand to life! The greatest gift of al!

Felt: We can't go on pretending day by day, that someone, somewhere will soon make a change! We are all a part of God's great big family and the truth, you know love is all we need!

All the Passengers: We are the world! We are the children!We are the ones who make a brighter day, so let's start giving! There's a choice we're making! We're saving our own lives! It's true we'll make a better day, just you and me!

Passenger 57: Send them your heart, so they'll know that someone cares! And their lives will be stronger and free! As God has shown us by turning stone to bread! So we all must lend a helping hand!

The terrorists dropped their weapons and held hands with the passengers.

Passengers and Terrorists: We are the world! We are the children!We are the ones who make a brighter day, so let's start giving! There's a choice we're making! We're saving our own lives! It's true we'll make a better day, just you and me!

Music fades.

Muhammad: You Americans are right! It is wrong to kill people! We are all children of God. It is no matter what we call him! We shall land this plane safely and let you all go free.

Muhammad: Muhammad, could you come into the cockpit please?

Muhammad: What is it?

Muhammad: We learned to fly these planes to crash them into buildings.

Muhammad: Yes, so?

Muhammad: We never bothered learning how to land.

Muhammad: I see.

The curtain closes. We hear the sound of a plane falling and crashing.

Satyr: Act 7. We now come back to our hero, Ashton Cinder, who is still in the North Tower making sure people get out. Unfortunately, the love of his life, Ruby Tuesday, is stuck in the South Tower, right above the impact crater. Ashton has found a window and so has Ruby. We now find them at the most important moment in their lives.

The curtain rises and we see the new stage set. It consists of two mock ups of the Twin Towers. Ashton is standing in the window of the tower on the left. Ruby is on the right., a fire has been paited on the building, right below her.

Ruby: Ash, there is no way out! I'm not going to make it!

Ashton: I've already lost Frank and my parents! I'm not going to lose you too!

Ruby: You won't lose me! I'll always be with you!

Ashton: Don't give up! I'll rescue you!

Ruby: You already have! My life was nothing until I met you! I love you! I always will!

The building starts to shake. We see it start to collapse down.

The music to "Free Falling" by Tom Petty starts playing

Ruby: I'm a good girl, I love my mamma. I love Jesus and America too. I'm a good girl, crazy about Elvis. I love horses and my boyfriend too.

Ashton: It's been a long day of firefighting. There's no airplane in the Pentagon's yard. I'm a sad boy, because I can't even save her. I'm a sad boy and it's breaking my heart. Because she's free...

Ruby & Ashton: Free falling! Yeah, free!!! Free falling!

We see Ruby disappear as the building collapses.

Music fades.

Ashton: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Curtain closes. We hear the Fire Chief over the speakers.

Chief: Ashton, get out of there now.

Satyr enters the stage.

Satyr: Ashton made it out. But the biggest pieces of him, he left in those towers that day. It is now time for Act 8, and we shall visit the citizens of New York after the North Tower has fallen.

The curtain goes up and we see the New York street. The back drop now features the fallen towers, with a bunch of smoke in its place. We see the New York citizens, now covered in ash.

The music to "Another One Bites The Dust" by Queen starts playing.

Citizen 1: The smoke fills up all over the street, people running with heads down low.

Citizen 2: Ain't no sound but the sound of feet. Right before the tower was ready to go.

Citizen 3: Are you ready? Hey! Are you ready for this? Are you hanging on the edge of your seat?

Citizen 4: Into a doorway, you better zip! Or else that smoke you ain't gonna beat! Lookout!

All Citizens: Do do do, Another one bites the dust! Ohh! Do do do. Another one bites the dust! And another one gone and another one gone, another one bites the dust! Hey, the smoke will get you too. And another one will bite the dust!

Music fade. Curtain closes.

Satyr: And now we come to our final act. It is the end of a very long day. We find our hero Ashton, alone in front of what will be called "Ground Zero."

The curtain rises. We see the backdrop, now a picture of Ground Zero.

The music to Ruby Tuesday by The Rolling Stones starts playing.

Ashton: She would never say where she came from. Yesterday don't matter if it's gone. While the sun is bright or in the darkest night. No one knows. She comes and goes.

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday! Who could hang a name on you? When you change with every new day, still Im gonna miss you!

We'll question why there was no plane. In the Pentagon yard, there was no lane. The real truth is what we need. Cause it's obvious a missile did the deed. The truth is in range, just watch Loose Change.

At this point, the rest of the cast joined Ashton on stage. We see Ruby and the other victims, and the terrorists suspended on wires. The have angel wings attached to them.

Cast: Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday! Who could hang a name on you? When you change with every new day, still Im gonna miss you!

Music fades. Curtain closes. A minute later, it opens back up with all the cast on stage. Satyr was front and center.

Whatever the object was that was thrown on him, he managed to duck it just in time.

An hour later.

Satyr: Who brought the pitchforks!

Gweg: One of the fathers was a farmer.

Satyr: Damn that was an angry mob. Can't believe they lynched the principal.

Gweg: What did you expect? That was the most offensive thing ever. You kept calling the terrorists heroes, hell, you even had them dressed as angels!

Satyr: I was trying to be politically correct.

Gweg: And the songs. Those were the worst choices. And you changed most of the lyrics! And what was it with the damn conspiracy stuff. You said you wouldn't include any of that!

Satyr: I don't think any of that was the problem.

Gweg: Then what was?

Satyr: The story itself. It's hard to do a story based on 9/11. You already know what's going down.

THE END!

Welcome Back Satyr

2011-01-31T10:00:00.001-05:00

Previously on "The Adventures of Gweg and Satyr":
Satyr and Gweg have started their war against each other. On Gweg's side is Sara, a beautiful young woman who was once married to Satyr. On Satyr's side is Mike-El, a mysterious stranger from another planet. Satyr burned down the church Sara is a member of, but not before she and Gweg were ordained by the Church's minister.

One week later:

Sara: You'll like Rev. Drew. She's really nice.

Gweg and Sara had arrived at the First Street Church in the city. The church was the largest in the county.

Gweg: I'm a little nervous.

Sara: Don't be. We are just going to watch her give her sermon and pick up on a few things.

The entered into the church. It was Sunday morning, and they had both agreed to sit in on one of Rev. Drew's sermons. Their idea was to "apprentice" Rev. Drew while they rebuilt the church Satyr burned down.

Rev. Drew was waiting for them inside. Rev. Drew was a thin handsome woman of 52. She approached Gweg and gave him a hug.

Rev. Drew: Welcome to my church! It's so nice to meet you. Sara, I'm sorry I didn't ask earlier, but how have you been doing?

Sara: I've been coping. It's been a trying few weeks, I won't lie about that. Thankfully, the Lord has sent me someone to help me through it.

She grabbed a hold of Gweg's hand. Gweg smiled.

Rev. Drew: Please, come into my chambers, we have much to discuss.

She led them to the back of the church. Gweg was impressed with the enormity of it. He looked at all the pews and couldn't imagine being able to talk to that many people.

Rev. Drew's chambers was a cozy little office, behind her desk was a replica of the Last Supper. She invited them to sit.

Rev. Drew: Can I get you two anything? Water?

Sara: I'm fine.

Gweg: No thank you.

Rev. Drew: Let me get the unpleasant business out of the way. I don't want to judge Reverend Hart's sins, but this whole affair has brought some damage to the church.

Rev. Hart's church, the one Satyr burned down, had been built for the parishioners who lived in suburbs of the city. The church had been thought of as "First Street Church's little brother".

Rev Drew: So, my sermon today will be doing some damage control and hopefully put this controversy behind us.

Sara: Rev. Hart was a good man. I had wished he had been able to control his demons.

Rev. Drew: As do I. Two days after his death, I received a letter in the mail. He had written me, saying that he had failed God's test of him and he needed to one last act of righteousness before the devil took complete control. He said he would be ordaining a new minister for the church. And I think he made a good choice.

Sara: Thank you.

Rev. Drew: Sara, I've always admired your excellent work as the Sunday School teacher. I think you'll fill out the role of a minister quite nicely. Now Gweg, Sara tells me you are new to the whole church experience.

Gweg: Yes mam. I, uh. actually wasn't a big fan of the church. I allowed myself to be influenced by a very bad person. Thankfully, I have a good influence in my life now.

This time, Gweg took Sara by the hand.

Rev: Drew: That's good to hear. Sara has agreed to take on the ministry responsibilities, do you plan on taking a role?

Gweg: I would like to. I need to pay back a lot of debt. I'm not talking about money, of course, but I need to cleanse my soul. I think I'd like to be a "fresh eyes" kind of minister. Delivering sermons from the Bible with a fresh look of someone that hasn't followed it their whole life.

Rev. Drew: I like that. I like that a lot. I think you two will do ok. Now, they have told me they plan to have the church up within 3 months, considering nothing hinders the construction.

Gweg and Sara gave each other a nervous look.

Gweg: That's something we need to talk about.

Rev. Drew: Is there a problem?

Gweg: Well, yes. You see, what the police reported wasn't quite what happened.

Gweg filled in the details to Rev. Drew. He then explained the history, between him, Sara, and Satyr.

Rev. Drew took it all in. By the time Gweg was finished, she was convinced Satyr was an agent of the devil.

Rev. Drew: Do you think this Satyr will try to sabotage the reconstruction of the church?

Gweg: Yes. He is out to get us. I haven't even seen him since the incident. So, he's probably planning something. He does not want to see us happy. However, Sara and I talked, and I think I have a way to drive Satyr out of town. We'll need your help.

Gweg explained his plan to Rev. Drew. She agreed to help.

A block away from the church, Mike-El sat, watching.

He recalled the conversation he and Satyr had before Satyr took off.

Satyr: I have a business meeting, It should only be a couple of days.

Mike-El: What is this business, exactly?

Satyr: Just some stuff I've been involved in for awhile now. Listen, while I'm gone, I want you to make sure you follow Gweg's every move. He's going to be out to get me, so I want be kept up to date on all of his actions.

Mike-El: You Got it.

It had been a week now, and Mike-El had not heard from Satyr at all. Nevertheless, Mike kept to the task at hand. Since Gweg and Sara did not know about him, he would be able to sit in on this morning's service without fear of being recognized.

He began to wrote down the morning's events when he was interrupted by a phone call on his cell. He looked at the caller ID. He didn't recognize the number.

Mike-El: Hello.

Satyr: Mike?

Mike-El: Yeah, it's me.

Satyr: Damn, I'm back home. Don't ask questions, but I need to know what date it is.

Mike told him.

Satyr: Really? So, I've only been gone a week?

Mike-El: Yes. Where are you?

Satyr: I'm in Montana.

Mike-El: Montana! What in the hell are you doing there?

Satyr: Look, I don't want to be in Montana, I need to get out of here. Come pick me up.

Mike-El: It's going to take me a whole day just to get up there. Why can't you just take a plane or steal a car?

Satyr: Because I'm in Montana! I'm in the middle of nowhere! I had to break into a home just to use a phone. And it's a rotary phone! These people don't even have cable. And, there's not a car in sight. There was a note pinned on there door saying they're on vacation, so I don't know when they'll be back. Just drive up here and get me, I don't want to walk 100 miles just to reach civilization. I'll give you the address to put in the GPS.

Mike-El: What about Gweg and Sara? This church service is going to start soon and I want to sit in on it.

Satyr: What the hell? You're going to church now?

Mike-El: No, Gweg and Sara are learning how to preach and I want to make sure they don't try anything.

Satyr: Don't worry about them for now. What's Gweg going to do, get those idiots to pray for me? Just get up here and get me out of this jackass state.

Mike-El: Fine, what's the address?

Mike-El entered the address in the GPS and took off.

Two hours later, Gweg and Sara emerged from the church.

Sara: I hope this works.

Gweg: I pray this works.

Sitting in the house in Montana, Satyr felt the urge to roll his eyes. He looked the clock on wall and wondered if it was even working right. The batteries in his watch and cell phone were both dead.

He sat down in the La-Z-Boy recliner and tried to relax. Satyr was not thrilled being back home.

From Mike-El's perspective, Satyr had only been gone a week. However, from Satyr's perspective, the last time he saw Mike-El had been a year and a half.

Satyr had been in a parallel universe. It was very much like the one he was in now, but his arrival there changed it. Satyr had been welcomed like he was a god.

Satyr closed his eyes and wished himself back over there. He didn't want to open them, because he knew he would still be in the boring Montana living room.

He was right.

Mike-El arrived at the house. Satyr was right, it was in the middle of nowhere.

He called out for Satyr.

Satyr emerged in the doorway, looking none too pleased.

Mike-El: What? Not happy to see me?

Satyr: Not really.

Mike-El: Well, fuck you then. I'll just leave you here.

Satyr: Wait a second. I'm glad you're here. I'll explain everything on the way home. Let's just get out of here.

On the way back, Satyr told Mike all about the parallel world.

Mike-El: Really? So, everyone loved you over there?

Satyr: Yep. I was the best thing to happen to them. Ugh. Can't believe I'm back in this shit hole. Well, I guess it's time to get back to business. What has Gweg been up too?

Mike-El: He and Sara are talking about rebuilding the church.

Satyr: Which one?

Mike-El: The one you blew up.

Satyr: You need to be more specific.

Mike sighed.

Mike-El: The last one you blew up. Remember, you held them and a bunch of kids hostage in it.

Satyr: I have been in another reality for a year and a half. One where I started to live a new life and was able to purge all the nonsense that this life has consisted of. So forgive me if I don't remember every insignificant detail like which church I blew and when.

Mike-El: Sorry. I didn't realize.

Satyr: It's fine. What else are they doing?

Mike-El: They've began training as preachers. As soon as the church is rebuilt, they'll be the preachers there.

Satyr: What! I just blew that thing up a week ago! Goddamn. They won't let me have a break, will they. Gweg as preacher. Don't make me laugh. He wouldn't know a quote from the Bible if Jesus walked up to him and said it himself. And Sara. She's committed sins the devil never even heard of. I'm not too worried about them being preachers. Nobody will want them teaching the words of God.

Rev. Drew's church held services 3 times during Sunday. Gweg delivered his sermon during the night service.

Those in attendance held on Gweg's every word. He had spoken briefly during the other two services, but expanded on his message during his sermon.

His sermon was on how to beat the Devil.

After the sermon, Gweg spoke with each person as they left the church. They all thanked him and welcomed him, and said they would do their part to cast out the devil.

Gweg was struck by the cheerfulness and enthusiasm of one particular person. His name was Chuck.

Chuck: Hi Gweg! It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Charles, but you can call me Chuck! All my friends call me that. That or Chuckles, or Chuckie, or Nunchucks, or..

Gweg cut him off.

Gweg: Well. it is nice to meet you Chuck.

Chuck: So, you think we can all beet the Devil that way.

Gweg: Indeed I do. The Devil is a tricky snake, we have to trick him right back.

Chuck: That's pretty darn clever.

Gweg: Thank you.

Chuck: Well, I'll see you around Gweg.

Gweg: Where you headed?

Chuck just shrugged his shoulders and smiled. He then took off skipping down the street.

Gweg watched him go and smiled. He'd never admit it to anybody, but he was glad his life had gone down the path it has since he's met Satyr. Standing out the church, he felt more content with his life than he ever had. Now he had to make sure Satyr wouldn't do anything to mess it up.

Satyr: Home sweet fuckin' home.

Satyr and Mike-El had arrived back in town. Mike had grown tired of driving and Satyr was now behind the wheel.

Satyr: Before I head back to the apartment, I need to get something to eat. You hungry?

Mike-El: Yeah, I could go for a bite.

Satyr: I haven't been to the Speedy Wiener in a few years. Let's go there.

The arrived at the Speedy Wiener. A car hop hot dog stand. Satyr pulled into a parking spot and shut the engine off.

Satyr: I'm telling you man, that world was like a paradise, People respected me. Not like the assholes here. Oh hell, get a load of this.

Satyr pointed to the car hop that was headed in their direction. The car hop was a slightly overweight girl of 18.

Car Hop: May I take your order?

Satyr: No you may not. Look, I did not come here because the food is outstanding, quite the contrary, it's mediocre at best. And, I certainly did come here to be waited on by the likes of you. I came here so I could check out your more attractive co-workers. Now, do me a favor and get someone else to take my order, somebody I would want to have sex with.

Car Hop: Sure thing Mr. Satyr.

The girl left and went back to join the other car hops. She then sent over a very attractive blond girl to take Satyr's order.

Satyr was stunned.

Blond: What can I get for you Mr. Satyr?

Satyr: Would you excuse me a second?

Satyr leaned over and whispered to Mike-El.

Satyr: What the hell is going on? Why was that ugly girl nice to me? Why are they being polite? Did the parallel worlds merge or something?

Mike-El: Not that I know of.

Satyr: Maybe we you didn't feel it happening because you are unique to earth. Hold on, I'm going to ask this chick.

Satyr turned back to the blond.

Satyr: How do you know me?

Blond: There is a picture of you up on our wall in the kitchen.

Satyr: What does it say?

Blond: It says not to serve you because you once tried to pay with counterfeit money.

Satyr: Then why are you here taking my order?

Blond: We thought we'd be nice to you and give you a second chance.

Satyr was displeased to hear this. He also became paranoid.

Satyr: I don't think so. I'm wise to your games. You take my order and then you do all sorts of nasty shit to my food, laughing while you say "This will teach you to try to pay with fake money", then you hand me my food with the same shit eating grin you have on now. I wasn't born yesterday sister. I'm out of here.

Satyr pulled away.

Satyr: I knew it was too good to be true. For a second there I thought the other world may have bled over. But nope, same old crap place I lived in for centuries. Let's go to Cowthulhu Burger.

They arrived at Cowthulhu Burger and Satyr told Mike-El it was best to go inside.

Satyr: Never take the drive-thru. I've worked in these places and you want to make sure you can see the people that are making your food.

They went inside. There was older couple at the register ordering their food. Satyr and Mike-El got in line behind them.

Satyr took a good look at the cashier.

Satyr: Hey Mike, I'm going to do a little experiment. That dude working the register looks like the kind of guy that would get pissed of you implied that he was gay.

The older couple finished ordering and Satyr walked up to the register.

Cashier: Welcome to Cowthulhu Burger! Would you like to try the Cthughlate Shake for only $1.99?

Satyr: No thanks. Hey, let me ask you a question.

Cashier: Fire away.

Satyr: Have you heard that joke they don't tell gay people?

Cashier: I have not sir.

Satyr: That's what I thought.

The cashier took a moment to a moment for the joke to register. He then laughed.

Cashier: That was a good one sir, I'll have to remember that one.

Satyr frowned and placed his order.

Satyr got a cup from the cashier and went to the drink station to get Dr. Pepper.

The old couple were standing in front of the drink fountains.

Satyr: Hey, American Gothic! You want to hurry this up? I'm kinda thirsty here.

Old Man: I'm sorry. We'll get out of your way.

Satyr: Yeah thanks.

Satyr got his drink and his food and sat down at a booth with Mike-El.

Satyr: I don't understand why that toss piece didn't get upset when I made him out to be a homo.

Mike-El: He probably didn't get mad because it's his job to be nice to customers.

Satyr: Eh, whatever.

Mike-El: So, what do you want to do about Gweg?

Satyr: We cannot let him rebuild that church. It will be bad news. When Me and Sara got that divorce, there were certain clauses that my lawyer put into effect.

Mike-El: What kind of clauses?

Satyr: Never mind that now. It's complicated. I know what's going to happen when that church gets rebuilt. Gweg and Sara will get married in it. We can't let that happen.

Mike-El: What's to stop them from getting married in another church?

Satyr: Nothing, but I know Sara. She loved that church. If she and Gweg raise it from its ashes, then a wedding for the two of them will be the perfect thing for her to break it in. What a bitch.

Mike-El: Have any plans?

Satyr: This has got to be done strategically. They would get married in a court house just to spite me if they knew I didn't want the two of them married. We have to make them think that not being together is their idea.

They finished their meal. Satyr went to dump the trash, but the old man from before was standing in front of the garbage bin.

Old Man: Sorry sir, I keep getting in your way.

Satyr: Yeah, you and the rest of the world. Why don't you do yourself and the rest of us a favor by staying inside until you finally die. Leave the outside world for the people that can actually move in it.

Old Man: You have a point sir, I'll take that into consideration.

The old man left. Satyr stood, his mind racing. He turned to Mike-El.

Satyr: Take the trash and leave on the table. Take our drinks and spill them all over the floor.

Mike-El: What has gotten into you?

Satyr: Just do it.

Mike-El shrugged and began to do as Satyr asked. Satyr walked up to the cashier.

Satyr: Excuse me kid, are you the one that has to clean up the lobby?

Cashier: Yes sir.

Satyr: I instructed my friend there to make a huge mess for you to clean up, what do you have to say about that?

Cashier: Well, that's what they pay me for.

Satyr's eyes narrowed and he flipped the cashier off. The cashier just smiled.

Satyr: Mike, let's get the hell out of here.

They left and got into the car.

Mike-El: What the hell was all that about?

Satyr: Something's not right. People are being too nice. I don't like it.

Mike-El: What are you complaining about? On the was back from Montana, you went on and on on how everybody loved your ass in the other world.

Satyr: That was different. Over there, they feared and respected me. Here, they are being nice to piss me off.

Mike-El: It's only been a few people.

Satyr: I'll show you. Let's find some people and I'll try to piss them off and we'll see what happens.

Mike-El drove around a few blocks until he found a group of some young men hanging around a streetball court. He stopped the car and pointed at them.

Mike-El: There you go.

Satyr looked at the group and frowned.

Satyr: No chance in hell. I'm not even going to try to piss them off.

Mike-El: Why not?

Satyr: Because they're black.

Mike-El: Exactly, all you have to do is walk up to them and call them the N word.

Satyr: No fucking way am I calling them the N word.

Mike-El: What's this? That word taboo to you all the sudden? Last week you were screaming it off the top of your lungs out of your apartment window.

Satyr: My neighbor paid me to watch his cat. He named it that because he happens to be a racist.

Mike-El: I never pegged you to be a pussy.

Satyr: I just want to piss people off, not get shot.

Mike_El: They're not going to shoot you. It's the middle of the day and the police station is a block away. Besides, it's very clear that they are with the Christian Ministries.

Satyr: How do you know that?

Mike-El: They are wearing the uniforms and the basketball court is right next to the church.

Satyr: I still don't want to risk it. They may know and if they do, all bets are off.

Mike-El: Know what?

Satyr shifted in his seat. He was about to admit something he hadn't let anybody know for a long time.

Satyr: I used to own slaves.

Mike-El: What?

Satyr: Yeah, back in the 1800s. Everybody was doing it. It was all the rage, you weren't anybody unless you had a few of them. So I thought, why the hell not?

Mike-El: There is no way they are going to know you owned slaves.

Satyr: Fine.

Satyr got out of the car and approached the boys.

Satyr: How y'all doing today?

1st Young Man: We're doing fine. How are you?

Satyr: I'm doing just great. Considering...

1st Young Man: Considering what?

Satyr: Considering the fact that I'm standing in front of a bunch of Ni...Ni..Ni..Near sighted boys that don't know how to shoot a ball.

The young men looked at each other and laughed.

2nd Young Man: Are you saying we don't know how to play ball?

Satyr: Yes, which is surprising, given that you are a bunch of...fuck, I can't say it. Thanks for nothing assholes.

Satyr stormed off back to the car.

1st Young Man: I think he wanted to call us "niggers."

2nd Young Man: That's great. Rev. Gweg will want to hear about this.

3rd Young Man; You know he used to own slaves.

Gweg got off the phone. He and Sara were at her house looking over the blueprints for the new church.

Gweg: I just got a call from a gentleman from the church. Seems Satyr tried to confront them but chickened out.

Sara: You think he's starting to suspect?

Gweg: Maybe, or maybe he was just being his usual jackass self. We'll just have to wait and see.

Satyr: There is no Santa Claus.

Satyr and Mike-El were now at the Mall. Satyr was talking to a 7 year old girl with her parents standing right next to her.

Girl: Is that true Mommy?

Mom: Yes dear, it is. Your father and I are the ones that buy your presents.

Girl: Oh. That's cool.

Mom: Thank you Mr. Satyr, we didn't know how tell her. Thanks for doing it for us.

They walked away.

Satyr fumed.

Satyr: What the hell? Nothing is working!

Mike-El: I don't think you're trying hard enough.

Satyr: I ripped up the picture of the Pope on front of those nuns. They thanked me because they don't like Benedict. I talked real loudly on my phone in that coffee shop and got a standing ovation.

Mike-El: That's because you perfectly recited Jack Nicholson's monologue from "A Few Good Men."

Satyr: I don't care. These things I'm doing are too menial. I need to step up my game.

A couple hours later, back at Sara's house.

Gweg: We should definitely have a playground if we are going to expand the hours for Sunday School.

Sara: That's a good idea.

Gweg's phone rang.

Gweg: Hello.

Caller: Hello Rev. Gweg. This is Wade over here at Video Palace. Satyr is here and he keeps telling my customers the endings to the movies they are renting.

Gweg: I see. How are they reacting.

Wade: They are handling it very well. Most of them are thanking him and saying how much they don't like surprises. He is getting frustrated. Oh, he just left. I think he's screaming out the N word.

Gweg: Thank you for calling.

Gweg hung up and smiled at Sara.

Gweg: It's working.

Satyr sat in the car with his face buried in his hands.

Satyr: I don't understand.

Mike-El: You are not trying hard enough. Maybe you should bring back the Abortion-Mobile, that pissed people off.

Satyr: Do I look like the Galactic Empire to you.

Mike-El: No, but what does that have to do with anything.

Satyr: The Death Star. It gets blown up by the rebels, so what does the Empire do? The build another one. Guess what happens. It gets blown up too. Obviously, the Death Star was not something the rebels wanted around. And when you have a big group of people willing to resort to violence and sacrifice to rid the universe of something they don't like, chances are they are willing to do anything to keep destroying it until the finally stop. You know how much the Abortion-Mobile cost me? A LOT. I'm not going to throw that kind of money into something that's just going to get destroyed again.

Mike-El: You need to do something destructive if you want to piss people off.

Satyr shook his head.

Satyr: People are too desensitized to violence nowadays. What, I blow up another church? It's been done. I shoot up a school? Boring. I go and shoot a politician in the head at a public meeting? People will blame rhetoric and forget about me a week later. It's no good. It just doesn't work. An act of violence to one person is an act of heroism to another. The only difference between a god and a devil is a point of view.

Mike-El: Maybe you should just accept it. So what if people are nice to you and don't get upset? Let's just move on.

Satyr gave Mike-El a nasty look.

Mike-El: I didn't think you would.

Satyr: Something had to trigger this.

Satyr stared out of the car window thinking about what might have cause the sudden change in everyone's personality. After a few minutes, he then said one word.

Satyr: Gweg.

Back at Sara's house, Gweg was searching for his iPad.

Gweg: Sara, have you seen my iPad?

Sara: Not today. Last time I saw it was when we were at your apartment the other day moving stuff out.

Gweg was in the process of moving in with Sara.

Gweg: Oh yeah, dang, I did leave it there. How careless of me. I'm going to head over there and get it. Want to join me?

Sara: Sorry hon, I have some calls I need to make.

Gweg: Okey dokey. I'll be back in a jiffy.

Gweg headed back to his apartment. He was glad to be finally moving out of it. When he got there, he wasn't too surprised to find the door unlocked. He went inside.

Satyr: There you are. You son of a bitch! I don't know what you're up to, but you're not going to get away with it.

Gweg: Ah, Satyr, there you. It feels like I haven't seen you in a couple years.

Satyr: I've already done that meta-reference, so don't avoid my accusation.

Gweg: I don't know what you're talking about. Listen Satyr, I have something to tell you.

Satyr: I'm all ears.

Gweg: I'm moving out of here and in with Sara. We have decided to move on. You got your revenge my blowing up the church and killing innocent kids, so we ask you to move on too. We are comfortable in the fact that you are going to Hell. We will pray for you, but we just ask that you leave us be. We are going to rebuild the church and hope to have a happy life with one another.

Satyr: That's a bad idea.

Gweg: Oh, why is that?

Satyr: Trust me.

Gweg let out a laugh.

Gweg: I don't even think God himself could get me to do that. I can sense that you are opposed to the rebuilding of this church and since I don't want any trouble from you, I have a proposition for you.

Satyr: What is it?

Gweg: I met a young man today. Goes by the name of Chuck. If you can get Chuck to be pissed off at you, I will not rebuild the church.

Satyr: And what happens if I can't.

Gweg: Then you have to swear not to destroy. Or get anybody else too.

Satyr thought it over. It was now his chance to kill two birds with one stone. Prove to himself that he could still piss people off and get Gweg to back off from his church.

Satyr: It's a deal.

Gweg: Good. I'll set up the meeting. I'll call you when he's ready.

Gweg retrieved his iPad and left. Mike-El emerged from Satyr's bedroom.

Mike-El: This sounds fishy to me.

Satyr: It's a win-win situation. I piss of this Chuck guy and Gweg doesn't build the church. I somehow don't and I don't do something I didn't plan on doing to begin with.

Mike-El: I don't know why you don't plan on destroying the church again after they rebuild it. Remember your Death Star analogy? You keep blowing it up, the won't want to rebuild it.

Satyr: I told you, it's not about the church, it's about them getting married. Now be quiet. I have to prep myself for this meeting.

Satyr meditated. Half an hour later, he got the call.

Gweg: Chuck will meet you at the park.

Satyr: How will I recognize him?

Gweg: Don't worry, he'll recognize you.

Satyr: Will you be there?

Gweg: No, I have other matters to attend to.

Satyr: How will you know if I piss him off or not?

Gweg: Chuck will tell me.

Gweg hung up.

Satyr: Mike, I need you to record our confrontation. I don't want this little prick telling Gweg I didn't piss him off.

They arrived at the park, which was pretty much empty. Satyr scanned the area and say what he thought was a woman, a butch lesbian by the looks of her. The person was headed right towards Satyr.

Satyr: Heads up, we got company. Get the camera rolling.

The person greeted them. Bu the sound of the voice, Satyr still couldn't tell if it was a male or female.

Chuck: Hi Satyr, my name is Chuck.

Satyr: Are you a guy or a girl?

Chuck: I'm a guy. Don't worry, people mistake me for a girl all the time. I'm used to it.

Satyr: Well, I see it hasn't stopped you from trying to make yourself look more like a man. Maybe grow a beard or cut that ridiculous blond hair of yours.

Chuck: I'm fine the way I am. So, what's shaking?

Satyr: My dick as soon as I pay your mom a visit.

Chuck: She always did like doing charity work.

Satyr wasn't expecting that, but he didn't let his guard down. He had decided he needed to stand confident. People hated cocky bastards.

Satyr: Yeah well, I hear your mom has done so much "charity" work that they call her a salvation army of one.

Chuck: I'll have to congratulate her then.

Satyr slightly gritted his teeth. Obviously mom jokes weren't going to work.

Satyr: Have any pets?

Chuck: I got a Yorkshire terrier.

Satyr: Aww, those cute little dogs?

Chuck: Yep.

Satyr: What's his name?

Chuck: Toby.

Satyr: Why don't I go over to your house, pick Toby up, and then use him for batting practice?

Chuck: You don't know where I live.

Satyr: I could find out.

Chuck: You don't know my last name.

Satyr: I have my ways, believe me, I have my ways. By the end of the day, I'll be wearing a Toby-skin hat.

Chuck: Won't it look ugly since you beat him up with a baseball bat?

Satyr: Fine, I'll just skin him alive.

Chuck: Well, he is old and sick. I was going to take him to the vet to put him asleep, but I like your idea better. that way, he gets to keep another person happy, even after death.

Satyr was starting to get angry.

Satyr: You know that joke they don't tell gay people?

Chuck: Yes I do.

Satyr: Oh is that right? Then tell me Chucker, what is the joke?

Chuck: I'm not supposed to tell you.

Satyr became furious. He began to lunge at Chuck, but held back. Chuck just stood his ground and continued to smile. Satyr took a few steps back to gather his composure.

Satyr: There's got to be something that I can do that'll piss you off.

Chuck: Nope. I don't let things get to me that way.

Satyr pulled out a gun.

Satyr: How about I just shoot you in the leg?

Chuck: Hmm. I get to go to the hospital where I get waited on and get to spend a couple days in bed watching TV while pretty nurses bring me food and pamper me.

Satyr: Nobody can be that optimistic! It's impossible.

Chuck: It's very possible.

Satyr did his best to hold back the scream, but the scream came anyway. He then turned towards Mike-El.

Satyr: Turn the camera off, turn the fucking camera off!

Satyr: That son of a bitch Gweg. He knew I wouldn't be able to piss off this, this..thing. Why the hell is everyone so nice?!?!

Chuck: I know.

Satyr: what?

Chuck: I know why people are being nice to you.

Satyr: Tell me.

Chuck: Ok.

Chuck pulled out his cell phone and played a video.

Chuck: I recorded this at church.

on the video, Satyr saw Gweg standing behind a pulpit.

Gweg: My brothers and sisters, this town has been plagued. Plagued by the very Devil himself. This devil does not even try to hide himself, He walks among you in plain sight. He calls himself "Satyr". This devil has brought forth murder, abortions, sin, and corruptions. He even corrupted me. But I have seen the light, my brothers and sisters. Praise God, I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT!

The parishioners shouted "Hallelujah!"

Gweg: We must purge our town of this beast! We must cast the devil off. But how, my brothers and sisters, how? I have prayed on this. Oh Lord have I prayed. And the answer was given to me. The best way to ward of this evil to shine the light in his face. We must kill this creature with kindness. The devil can only live in a dwelling of darkness, but if we bring the light in, he will hide, oh Lord, HE WILL HIDE! He will recoil in fear like the coward he is. Will you join me brothers and sister? Will you join me in showing this creature of darkness that we are beings of light?

They shouted "Yes."

Gweg: I am pleased to hear it. When you see this devil, be nice to him. He will try to fight, he will try to temp you into the darkness, but hold your ground. No matter what he does, he will realize he is beaten and he will retreat. Pray with me now. Dear Lord, help us defeat this creature that defies your will. Help us rid ourselves of this evil. Help us to stand. Amen.

The crowd said "Amen."

Satyr was shaking with anger. He couldn't even speak.

Mike-El: Why'd you show us this video? I thought you were Gweg's boy.

Chuck: He told us to be nice to Satyr. So I thought it would be nice to show his the video.

Mike-El: You're weird.

Chuck: Thank you.

Satyr finally spoke. It started off as a whisper, but then evolved into a primal scream.

Satyr: That son of a bitch thinks he can run me out of this town by getting these jackballs to be nice to me. I don't think so. After I'm done, they won't be able to pay this town to be nice to me!

The Next Day.

Gweg and Sara were standing in the church. Rev. Drew approached them.

Rev. Drew: It has spread to Egypt now. They are rioting in the streets trying to overthrow their government.

Gweg: Oh wow.

A man rushed into the church.

Man: Gweg, we finally got all the fish out public swimming pool.

Gweg: Good. Is the National Guard still out there?

Man: Yes.

Gweg: They'll probably be here for a couple more days. We're just lucky no one has declared Martial Law.

Man: I'll be honest with you Gweg, it'll be hard to get people to keep being nice to Satyr after what he did. People are still trying finding dead birds everywhere.

Gweg: I understand. Are people angry with me? I did kind if bring this onto us.

Man: No, they are blaming Satyr. They think they didn't pray hard enough.

Gweg: I see. Thank you.

The man left.

Gweg smiled. He turned to Sara and Rev. Drew.

Gweg: It worked.

Satyr sat in his apartment with Mike-El.

Satyr: I don't think I'm going to be able to go out for a while.

Mike-El: Yeah, I'd advise against that.

Satyr: But I showed him didn't I? That silly bastard thought he was going to run me out by having his sheep blow sunshine out their asses at me. HA! Ain't going to work. I proved him wrong. Right now, he's probably crying because his plan didn't work. They're not going to be nice to me now. Every single one of those jerks want to kill me.

Satyr smiled. Then he thought about what he just said. His smile drained from his face as the realization sat in.

Satyr: Son of a bitch!

The Adventures Will Return

2010-11-02T21:49:00.001-04:00

By the end of January.

The Power Pack in "The End of the Beginning"

2009-08-23T06:00:00.000-04:00

The battle was over. Jaded Poet was a bit disappointed. No deaths, no real destruction. A typical battle.

Poet was beginning to get bored with the routine of this co-called action. He went to the edge of the roof and stared down. Even without his scope or binoculars, he could make out who was who. As he stared down, he could make out one of the Pack staring back at him.

Poet knew Pillz had spotted him, so he retreated from the ledge. He got on his cell phone.

Poet: The melee has ceased. The buckaroo and the gnome manipulator have been detained. The Pack have emerged victorious.

At The Agency, Lichton listened his shook his head. He put his phone away and and gave a thumbs down to Emperor Zeni.

Zeni: See! I knew I should have been at that mall. It would have went down like this: The Fucktastic Five go down in a cloud of smoke, and as soon as that cloud disappeared, I would be standing there. The Power Pack would have let out a gasp and took two steps back. Then I would have rushed in, doing back flips, drop kicks, pile-drivers, choke slams, spin kicks and uppercuts!

Zeni then proceeded to demonstrate all of the moves he just listed.

As Lichton watched Zeni make a fool of himself, he paged for Agent Travis to come into the office.

Zeni pumped his right fist into the air and grabbed at his bicep.

Zeni: These arms are enigmas. They are so strong, yet so gentle with the ladies. It's all self-control. If I didn't have that, I would crush a woman's spine just by giving her a back rub.

Lichton: Sir, may I have a word with you?

Zeni: It takes years of training to get into the shape I'm in.

Lichton: No sir, it's about the Power Pack. We have to make a final decision on them. I think the Council needs to be brought in on this.

Zeni thought it over.

Zeni: Absolutely. I know I'm the boss, but I don't like dealing with these big problems by myself, it's too much pressure. Not that I can't handle it, it's just I've got so much on my plate, it would be selfish not to share.

Lichton: Very generous sir.

There was a knock on the door.

Lichton: Come in.

Agent Travis stepped in.

Travis: You wanted to see me sir?

Lichton: Yes. I need you to call up the 5th Councilman and tell him he needs to be here for an emergency meeting this weekend.

Travis: Yes sir.

Zeni: Do we really need him to be here?

Lichton: Yes, the Council will not decide on issues like the Power Pack without all 5 present.

Zeni: Couldn't I change that rule.

Lichton: That rules was cemented by your father when The Agency first started. It can be overturned. The Rules for the Council are the foundation for The Agency.

Zeni: Damn.

It had been two days since the battle at the Mall.

The Power Pack, sans Pillz, were all hanging out at Pero's house.

Burnsy: Please, I was taking on two of them by myself, while your shiny ass was standing around dancing like a jackass.

Raptor Pat: Are you talking to me or JewNewBee?

JeNewBee: It's JUH-NEW-BEE! Not what you said.

Burnsy: You know Pat, for someone with super speed, you sure do have a hell of a time keeping up.

The three recruits had spent the past two days doing nothing but arguing about the fight.

JeNewBee: You were on fire! But it was me, who was the one, that did save the day. Save the day, I say! Did save the day if I may!

Raptor Pat: Pero, when is Pillz going to be back.

Pero: Pillz is gone?

Raptor Pat: Yeah, he went to the jail to talk to Radioactive Dude.

Pero: My Uncle Max went to jail once. He was arrested for public intoxication. It was at the family reunion. My family gets pretty drunk at our reunions. It's the only way they can stand one another. One time, my Uncle Max and my cousin Cassie got so drunk, that they started making out. My family started taking bets on which one would come to their senses first. Turns out it was Uncle Max. When he realized he was making out with his own daughter, he ran out into the street and was eventually picked up by the cops. After he took off, Cassie just sat down and cried and kept repeating "Damn, I can never get past first base".

Pero finished talking and the other 3 just stared.

Meanwhile, at the prison, Pillz sat down at a table across from Radioactive Dude.

Radioactive Dude: Howdy there Pillz.

Pillz: Hello yourself.

Radioactive Dude: I have to hand it to ya, bringing in those new folks was a pretty damn good move. Got rid of one and replaced him with three.

Pillz: Let's cut the crap. Where did Primus and Llama go? If you tell me, I will talk to the mayor about getting your sentence reduced.

The Dude just laughed.

Dude: This here prison ain't gonna hold me. Besides, I don't have the foggiest idea where they set off to. However, you saw what I saw, and I reckon we best talk about that.

Pillz: The guy on the roof?

Dude: Bingo. My Dude Sense was telling my that that fellow was an Agency man.

Pillz: What makes you say that?

Dude: I had gotten the hunch they've been having us followed. How much do you know about The Agency?

Pillz: Very little.

Radioactive Dude leaned back and looked Pillz up and down.

Dude: I pride myself on being a smart fella, and by that, I mean I know how to learn from my mistakes. I'm going to be telling you a few things, so you best listen up.

Pillz: I'm all ears.

Dude: First of all, I've got some info on The Agency I've stored up back at our little shanty on 23rd street. You are more than welcome to it.

Radioactive Dude wrote down the address to the duplex he and his team used as a hideout. He passed it over to Pillz. Pillz looked at it and handed it to one of the guards.

Pillz: Get some men over to this address and have them check it out. I'll be there after I'm done here.

Pillz turned back to the Dude.

Pillz: What else?

Dude: At the mall, just after you arrived and your friends popped out and before our little sparring match got under way, I noticed something odd on the right hand of my little clown midget friend. It looked like one of them Yin-Yang deals, but different. I had seen it pop right up there on his hand. And, at one point during the ruckus, I happened to spy the same little drawing on the right hand of one of your guys.

Pillz remained quiet and thought over what he had just heard. He was debating whether or not he was being told the truth or was just told something to make him paranoid. The Dude then spoke up again, and it seemed like he was reading Pillz' mind.

Dude: Listen, I ain't telling you this to make you mistrust your own team. hell, I'll even tell you which one it was. It was the little fairy dude.

Pillz: Raptor Pat?

Dude: I don't know their names, it was the one with the silver face paint.

Pillz: JeNewBee. What the hell do you know about Llama and his Mrs?

Dude: Not much, me and the Gnome got to talking about our pasts, but Llama and his Mrs. always kept to themselves. Sometimes the Mrs. would go out in the middle of the night and come back with a folder. I had suspected they were getting orders from someone else, cause they went on little "side missions" from time to time.

Pillz: is it possible he was working with The Agency?

Dude: Anything's possible. All I know is, I never trusted that short son of a bitch.

Pillz left the prison, before he went to the address the Dude had given him, he made a quick call to Pero's house.

Pillz: Hello Pero's mom. Are they still there? Yes, I need to talk to him. Pero? Good, listen closely, I need you to keep your eye on JeNewBee. No, it doesn't matter which eye, just watch him, there may be a possibility he is working for the bad guys. Okay? Good, I've got something to check out and I'll be back shortly.

Pero hung up the phone. He walked back towards the stairs and saw the girl standing there. Pero did not trust her. He didn't trust any of them, and from what Pillz had just told him, he was right not to trust them.

Burnsy: Who was that on the phone?

Pero: Pillz. He's doing stuff, he'll be back later.

Burnsy: What kind of stuff?

Pero: Why do you want to know?

Burnsy: Because we're a team.

Pero: He didn't say. Said he had something to check out.

Burnsy: Okay. I'm going to grab some drinks, we're going to play Monopoly while we wait for him to get back.

Pero: I get to be the dog.

Agency Headquarters.

Lichton looked at his watch, ten minutes before the meeting starts.

Zeni: Let's get this shit over with! I have my Pilate's in an hour.

Lichton: The Council will not start the meeting until the top of the hour. It's in the rules. They are in their private chambers right now getting ready.

Lichton wasn't explaining that to Zeni, who already knew of the rule, but to Jaded Poet, who had been invited to the meeting.

Lichton turned to Poet.

Lichton: I wouldn't mind starting the meeting early myself, but there is always a member on the Council who is a stickler for the rules. Zeni's father, The Tsar, created the Agency 23 years ago. I know, it seems like a short time, but he was able to get much done before his death with the help of the original Council. There were only four of them back then, but those four had the means to infiltrate people into every major organization in America. It didn't take too long for their ambitions to spread like wildfire. Of course, bad things have happened, and only one of the original council remains. The 5th one, or the 5th wheel as he is called by the other Council members. He has pretty much cut ties with us, save for when we need him for meeting such as these. He doesn't like us and we don't like him, but he is the only remaining original member of The Agency still alive.

Agent Travis walked up to them.

Travis: Sir, the Council have informed me they are ready to start when the hour begins.

Lichton: Thank you Agent Travis. Remember the first time we met Poet? These are the bosses I was telling you about. They have asked that you be a part of this meeting, since you have been our spy for the superhumans and since you are responsible for my promotion to "Superhuman Affairs" I had no objection to their request.

Zeni: "Superhuman Affairs"? Since when did we have that? It should be called "Zeni Affairs" since I'm the most superhuman.

Lichton couldn't tell if that was a joke or not. He just smiled slightly and nodded.

Lichton: It's almost time, let's go to the Council Chambers. Since I requested this meeting, I will be leading it. We have to start with a roll call,

Lichton sighed.

Poet: Why the lamentation?

Lichton: You'll see.

Lichton led them to the Council's Main Chamber. To Poet, the room looked like a smaller version of the Supreme Court's courtroom. This room had the huge bench the judges set behind, but this bench had five chairs and one throne. The throne sat in the middle with two of the smaller chairs to it's right and the other three to it's left. There were no seats for spectators, only a podium stood in front of the bench.

Zeni Was doing calisthenics to get himself pumped up for the meeting.

Zeni: Time to take my seat.

Poet could hear Lichton mutter under his breath.

Lichton: Just don't throw it.

Zeni pumped his arms back and forth in front of his body and ran towards the bench. He attempted to hurdle himself over it, but instead nailed himself on the edge. he fell to the floor, clutching his knee.

Lichton: Are you ok sir?

Zeni: Yeah, something must be wrong with this floor.

Zeni tried to stand up, but fell back down.

Lichton: I think you may have injured yourself sir.

Zeni winced as he tried to stand with his right leg again. It wasn't working. He was in tremendous pain.

Zeni: That's the problem being me. I can't feel the pain. The pain is just an emotion I have cleansed my body of.....HOLY FUCK IT HURTS!

Lichton: I'll call the medics for you.

Within 3 minutes, the medics arrived. They put Zeni on a stretcher to take him to the medical wing. Before they went, Zeni stopped them to talk to Lichton.

Zeni: I know you were looking forward to my input on this subject, but you need to do this meeting without me. Whatever you guys decide, I will back up. Just do me one favor, don't worry about me, I'll be up and karate kicking before you know it.

Lichton: You are a true inspiration sir.

The medics carried Zeni out of the chambers. Zeni held his hand up, in a display of strength.

Lichton: Thank God for small favors. Now we don't have to deal with him.

Lichton looked at his watch. It had just reached the hour. He looked to the door that the Council members use to enter the chamber. It opened.

Poet watched four ordinary looking men enter the room. Upon seeing the fifth member, Poet found himself to be shocked.

The members took their seats. Lichton walked up to the podium.

Lichton: I, Theodore Lichton, have called for this emergency Council Meeting. We are here to discuss our final actions against the group known as "The Power Pack". Before discussions are to begin, we will take roll call. Emperor Zeni has been injured and has granted a vote in favor of the Council's majority vote. When I call your name, please answer with a "Present". Dposse?

Poet looked at the first member. He looked like the kid in school that always reminded the teacher that they forgot to issue out homework.

Dposse: Present.

Lichton: Laemuer?

The second member had a pad pf paper in front of him and an pencil in his hand. His hand was moving the pencil furiously over the pad. He only looked up for a second to give his response to Lichton, then continued with his work.

Lichton: Mr. Scruffles?

The third man looked very much like a typical geek. He talked with a lisp.

Mr. Scruffles: Pweshent.

Lichton: Kitsunekit?

Of the main four, Kitsunekit was the oddest looking one. He had a stuffed fox doll in front of him that he continuously petted.

Kitsunekit: Present.

Lichton looked at the fifth member. Poet could hear him take a deep breath.

Lichton: Virtual Satyr?

Virtual Satyr sat leaned back in his chair, his goat like legs propped up on the huge desk. He already looked bored.

Satyr: Will somebody please remind me again why we are doing a roll call when there is only five of us, and any jackass with decent eyesight can clearly see that there are five of us here.

Dposse: It's in the rules.

Satyr: Oh shut the fuck up about the rules. I helped create those rules, remember? It's a stupid rule. A fucking roll call. It's a wonder we don't start these meetings with some sort of secret handshake.

Dposse: We only do that for the meetings you don't attend.

Satyr: If these damn things weren't so tedious and dull, I might show up to more.

Lichton: Gentlemen, please, we have important matters to discuss.

Kitsunekit: Such as failed attempts at Abortion-Mobiles?

Satyr shot Kitsunekit a look. The other Council members burst into laughter.

Satyr: That is not Agency business!

Dposse: It's nobody's business now, since it went up in flames.

Laemuer suddenly dropped his pencil, stood up,m and held the pad of paper above his head.

Laemuer: Finished!

He walked over to Satyr and showed him what he had been working on. It was a drawing of Satyr standing in front of the Abortion-Mobile. The Abortion-Mobile was on fire. Satyr looked at it, bemused.

Satyr: You made my thighs too big.

Lichton: Gentlemen, we are here to discuss the matter of The Power Pack. As head of Superhuman Affairs, it is my estimation that the Power Pack has the potential to be a major threat to The Agency. As of right now, we have a sleeper agent within the Pack ready to strike at a moment's notice.

Dposse: Can any of these members be turned to serve our cause.

Lichton: We received a brief psychological profile on them from our agent. Based on the information we were given, no, they cannot be compromised.

Mr. Scruffles: Dr. Doom launched the Baxshter Building into spache, maybe we can do the shame thang to their hideout.

Lichton: They are currently set up in the basement of Pero's house. Pero, if you remember, was the young man who was given that super strength formula we tried to get our hands on.

Kitsunekit: We need to make a formula that turns people in foxes.

Everyone in the room stared At Kitsunekit.

Satyr: I'm going to go ahead and move past this awkward moment and ask the question that is on most of our minds: What the fuck does this have to do with me?

Dposse: According to Council Rules, all members must be present for a vote that consists the elimination of more than 3 individuals.

Satyr: I wasn't here when you guys decided to do 9/11.

Lichton: We were not responsible for that. That was the other organization trying to run the world.

Laemuer: The U.S. Government?

Everyone let out a laugh.

Lichton: But seriously Satyr, you are here because you are responsible for the Power Pack's formation.

Satyr: What the hell are you talking about?

Lichton: Pillz and Primus both received their powers from your Duce X Machine.

Satyr: Oh yeah, I forgot about that thing.

Poet stood there, silently, not believing these four morons were the brains behind the whole operation. Lichton explained the situation again. Poet watched the five Councilmen. Dposse seemed to be concentrating too much, Laemuer was drawing again, Mr. Scruffles seemed to be lost in thought, Kitsunekit was too busy petting his fox, and Satyr looked bored as hell. Poet wondered who really was in charge of this operation.

Lichton: Gentlemen, I implore you, we need a decision on this right now.

Dposse: Okay, a vote has been called for Gentlemen, my vote is, Nay, I think a further investigation into the Power Pack is warranted.

Laemuer: Yea, I say we need to eliminate them.

Mr. Scruffles: Nay, I think we need to place them into suspended animation until we can harness their powers for our own.

Kitsunekit: Yea, Miss. Foxalot told me we need to kill them as fast as we can.

Lichton: Two for killing The Power Pack and two against, Virtual Satyr, it comes down to you.

Satyr: As mush as I hate to say it, I have to agree with Miss. Foxalot, let's kill the bastards.

Lichton: And so it is settled, we shall eliminate the Power Pack. I will get word out to our agent and hopefully the job will get done. This meeting is adjourned.

The first four Councilmen went out the door they came in, Satyr, however, jumped over the bench.

Lichton: What are you doing?

Satyr: Those guys are probably comfortable going in and out the backdoor, I always go through the front. Now, excuse me, I need to get back home and start my new business.

Lichton: What business is that?

Satyr: The "None of yours" kind.

Satyr pushed past the two of them and made his way out of the conference room. Lichton and Poet followed. The saw the people in the outer offices stop what they were doing to look up at the satyr. Satyr walked to the middle of the room, looked around, and then walked over to Agent Travis, who was sitting at a desk.

The two spoke briefly, shook each other's hands, and Satyr went to the elevators.

Jaded Poet: A most curious encouter. I ponder the motive.

Lichton: So do I. Follow him. I want to know what he's up to.

Jaded Poet: As you wish.

Pillz arrived at the Duplex. One of the officers approached him.

Officer: Hello Mr. Pillz. We've searched the house and went door to door. No one knew anything about the tenants. We talked to the landlord, he said the rent was paid for a full year.

Pillz: Thank you officer.

Officer: When we searched the house, we came across a box in one of the rooms marked "Agency", we did a quick scan, no electronics were detected.

Pillz: Good work. Can you lead me there?

Officer: Sure thing.

The Officer took Pillz to the room. From the looks of the room, Pillz could tell it was Radioactive Dude's. He opened the box. Inside were several folders. Pillz stopped at the one labeled "Power Pack". He read through the papers inside.

One paper clearly laid out the possibility that Agency planned to infiltrate The Power Pack. Radioactive Dude managed to discover that a Agency sleeper agent was a member of the Awesome Superpowers Message Board. Pillz thought back to what the Dude had said about JeNewBee.

Pillz put the folder back in the box, he turned to the officer.

Pillz: I need to get back to my headquarters. Take an inventory of all the stuff here, and make sure nothing happens to these files. They are very important.

Officer: Yes sir.

Pillz jumped into his car and sped away.

Back at Pero's House:

Raptor Pat: JeNewBee, you are not going to get away with this!

Burnsy: Think about it JeNewBee, there is 3 of us and only one of you. You are making a foolish mistake. Now, back away and we'll talk about it. We'll get you some help.

JeNewBee: I like you guy. But this is what I have to do! They told me to do this.

Raptor Pat: Who? Who told you?

JeNewBee: Them of course. They control everything.

Pero: I told you guys we should have played Hungry Hungry Hippo.

Burnsy: You cannot rob the bank JeNewBee, it's against the rules.

They were still playing Monopoly, waiting for Pillz to return. JeNewBee had went bankrupt and decided to "rob the bank".

Raptor Pat: Face it JeNewBee, you're bankrupt. I stopped a couple of bank robbers one time. It was real interesting too, apparently they walked into the bank only wearing...

Raptor Pat was cut off by his cell phone, which started playing "Dancing Queen".

Raptor Pat: Hold on guys, I'm getting a text.

Pat looked at his cell and his face got dark for a second, then he grinned. He looked at his teammates.

JeNewBee: Who was that? Dustin Hoffman?

Raptor Pat: No, it was not Dustin Hoffman. It was a friend. He sent me a funny text message.

Burnsy: What did it say?

Raptor Pat looked at the message again. He looked as though he were trying to come up with something.

Raptor Pat: It said, "Why couldn't the chicken fly through the window? It was closed."

Pero: That's not funny.

Raptor Pat: I thought it was.

JeNewBee: Tell me about the robbers. Tell me now!

Raptor Pat: No, my momentum is off.

Pero: Pillz is here.

Pillz came storming down into the basement. He didn't say a word until he went right up to JeNewBee and aimed his ring at him.

Pillz: Listen to me you crazy son of a bitch. I want some answers and I want them right goddamn now.

Everyone leapt from the table. Pero and Raptor Pat stared at Pillz and JeNewBee.

While everyone was distracted, Burnsy decided to take a glance at her cell phone. Her cell was on vibrate, so no one heard her receive a text. It said: "Lichton here. We have decided...take them out".

Burnsy smiled. She had grown quite tired of these boy's antics. Now it was time for some real action. Unlike these fools, she had trained with her powers most of her life. She was more than capable of taking on these four. It's why the Agency hired her to begin with. She kind of resented the fact they stuck her in a sleeper position, monitoring geeky message boards.

Burnsy watched the four boys. Pat was busy asking what was going on, Pero seemed amused, and Pillz was calling JeNewBee a traitor.

Burnsy ignited fires in both hands.

Pillz waited for JeNewBee to answer. He had just asked him about the symbol on his hand.

JeNewBee: The symbol is the symbol of those who worship her!

Pillz: Who is her?

JeNewBee: She is her. It's all a matter of where and when you were when it happened.

Pillz: When what happened?

Before JeNewBee could answer, a fireball flew across the room and struck Raptor Pat. Pillz felt the heat of another one and instantly turn, using the energy of his ring to shield him.

The fireball struck the energy shield, but did not dissipate, instead the fire lingered on the shield and began to spread over it. Pillz expanded the shield.

Pero saw Raptor Pat was on fire and immediately grabbed the table cloth and put the fire out.

Burnsy: Give it up. You all are going to end up like Craptor Pat over there, so just surrender and I'll make it fast.

Pillz took a glance at Raptor Pat, he could tell the kid was dead. Pillz looked at his shield, which was completely cutting off them from her, but the fire was starting to consume the ceiling and making it's way over the shield. If Pillz were to try to contain the fire in a bubble, it would give her another opportunity to strike. He decided to distract her.

Pillz: So, you are the sleeper agent? Well, you had me fooled. Listen, you don't have to do this. Whatever they are paying you or giving you, I will give you myself. What do you want?

Burnsy laughed.

Burnsy: It's not about what I want, it's what the Agency wants, and they want you dead.

Pillz looked behind him.

Pillz: You two get out of here, I'll hold her back as long as I can.

Pero just shook his head.

Pero: We're a team, remember? Power Pack, Assemble!

Pero concentrated and transformed himself into PeroHulk.

PeroHulk: I can take her heat. Drop your shield and let me at her.

Pillz: Are you sure?

PeroHulk: PeroHulk smash fire girl.

JeNewBee heard the voice of his bird.

Justin: It's time.

Burnsy saw the retard turn into his monster form. She knew exactly what to do. As soon as Pillz lowered his shield, she would blast JeNewBee and send fire into the face of PeroHulk. While he was distracted, she would then use the fire on JeNewBee to attack Pillz with. The she'd unleash on PeroHulk.

Simple as that.

But it wasn't.

Pillz lowered his shield to let PeroHulk through, Burnsy sailed a fireball at JeNewBee. It struck it's target, but the result was not what Burnsy was expecting. The last thin she remembered before waking up in an empty basement was the room flashing a bright silver.

Pero found himself in the kitchen. He was on the floor, or what was left of it. As soon as his eyes adjusted, he could see a huge hole in the kitchen floor.

Just then, his mom walked in.

Pero's Mom: What on earth is going on? AHHHHH!!!! Look at the floor! What have I told you about transforming in the house! Look what you did! That is coming out of your allowance!

Pero got up and realized he was still in hulk form. He looked through the hole in the floor. Everyone was gone. He ran past his mom into the living room. He saw Burnsy run out of the garage, which was connected to the basement. She hopped into her car and sped off.

Pero thought about chasing after her, but he wanted to make sure his friend was alright. He tried to concentrate to return to his original form, and found he could not. He climbed down through the hole and went into the basement.

He saw Raptor's Pat's body was still there, it was underneath the upturned table. However, Pillz and JeNewBee were gone.

Pero called out for them. There was no answer from them, but he did hear something. It was Justin, JeNewBee's bird. He didn't seem to be injured. Instead, he flew up through the hole and tried to fly out the front room window. Pero's mom saw the bird and opened the door. Justin flew out.

Pero scanned the room and saw something shiny on the floor.

It was Pillz' ring.

Pero knew JeNewBee would never leave his bird behind and he definately knew Pillz would never dare take that ring off of his finger.

So, where did they go?

For 3 hours, Jaded Poet followed the satyr around.

The satyr had stopped to get something to eat. Had stopped into two different adult bookstores, one strip club, and a drugstore. It seemed to Poet that the creature was just wasting time.

The satyr was just driving around now. Finally, he stopped and parked next to a closed junkyard. Poet parked a block away, out of sight, and watched the satyr.

Satyr got out of his car and pulled out a set of keys. He unlocked the door to the junkyard's lot and went in. Five minutes later, Poet followed.

Poet snuck in and got a glimpse of Satyr, was walking down one of the rows and whistling a tune.
Poet kept his distance, but followed. Finally, Satyr stopped and yelled out.

Satyr: Come out Poet! I know you're there! So come out and let's talk.

Poet was taken by surprise. He knew he was careful and had no idea how the satyr could have known he was there. He patted his gun and walked out into view.

Jaded Poet: I depreciated your shrewdness. My amends are owed to you.

Satyr: Drop the bullshit talk. It might impress the ladies, but it doesn't do shit for me.

Jaded Poet: Fine. What the fuck are you up to?

Satyr: Ah, now you're speaking my language. I'm here to arrange an introduction between you and my friend. Oh, and by the way, I was bluffing, I really didn't know if you were there or not.

Jaded Poet: Who is your friend?

Satyr let out a high pitched whistle.

Agent Travis emerged from behind a junked car.

Jaded Poet: I have already met Agent Travis.

Travis laughed.

Travis: Ah Poet, there is so little you know. But don't feel bad, everybody at The Agency is in the dark. You see, my name ain't really Travis.

Jaded Poet: Then what is it?

Travis: All in good time. All you need to know, is this: We need your help.

Travis clapped his hands.

Out from behind the same car, came out two more people Poet was familiar with.

Jaded Poet: Hello Llama.

Dealy Llama: Are you sure we need this goofy looking bastard? I can send this Mrs. in there just as easily to get the job done, not some reject from a high school production of Hamlet.

Travis: Hush Llama. Show him.

Dealy Llama: You got it boss.

Llama honked his nose. The Mrs. did not transform. Travis did. Where the man Poet knew as Agent Travis once stood, now stood a midget.

Travis: Now you see me in my true form Poet. Come, there is much we need to talk about.

To Be Continued.

The Power Pack in "Battle at the Mall".

2009-07-14T00:24:00.000-04:00

Primus drank the rest of his Orange Julius and counted the number of people in the food court.

15 people. He walked over to Radioactive Dude, who was standing next to the indoor fountain.

Primus: There's 15 people in the FC.

Radioactive Dude: I've always wondered; how many people you reckon have gotten their wishes after tossing some coins into this here fountain?

Primus: Probably not too many. I don't believe in wishes.

Radioactive Dude: Ayuh. But I do believe in coincidences. But, I have to wonder if this is a coincidence.

Primus: What's that?

Radioactive Dude: You showing up at our door the day before we were gonna take this here Mall hostage to call you Power Packers out for a final battle.

Primus: Final battle?

Radioactive Dude: That's right. We have been doing some heavy talking the past couple of weeks. We are ready to do serious business, and we wanted you chaps out of our way.

Primus: So, that's what we're doing here?

Radioactive Dude: Ayuh. We are going to hold these people hostage and drag your former buddies here. This is your chance to prove yourself. You help us get rid of them, you are a part of our team.

Primus: That's fine.

Evil Gnome joined them.

Evil Gnome: It's almost a shame that most of the stores in this mall have closed down. I used to have fun here as kid. There's 23 people in the Gap.

Radioactive Dude: 38 people. That'll be enough. Time to call in Llama

He took a walkie-talkie off his belt.

Radioactive Dude: Llama, this is Dude. We are a go. Bring em in. Dude Out.

Dealy Llama brought in four boxes in a shopping cart. He took the boxes out and honked his nose. The shopping cart transformed into the Mrs.

Dealy Llama: The Mrs. and I are ready. How many we got?

Radioactive Dude: 38. 15 in the food court. 23 at the Gap.

Dealy Llama opened one of the boxes and and took out two AK-47s. He handed one to the Mrs.

Dealy Llama: I got the food court you get the bastards at the gap. They'll all be white, so let's make you a black guy.

Llama honked his nose and transformed the Mrs. into a 6 foot tall muscular black guy.

Dealy Llama: Let's round them up!

They ran off into the mall.

Evil Gnome opened the other boxes.

Two of the boxes contained six lawn gnomes each. He got them out and set them down. He opened up his flask and took his finally sip of alcohol. He was ready to control the gnomes.

He commanded them to get into the other boxes and strap the explosives inside to them.

He turned to Radioactive Dude and Primus.

Evil Gnome: We're ready.

Behind them, they heard screams.

Radioactive Dude: Now, the two of them will wrangle everybody in. Primus, go ahead and call the news channels. I want to make sure the Pack knows we're here.

Primus ran over to the payphone and called the local TV news station.

After he hung up, he looked back at his new friends. They were gathering the hostages in a circle. Gnome was having his gnomes surround them. He couldn't believe he was in this situation. He would rather be a hero, but he wanted to be somewhere he could be respected. Looking at the group, he hoped he made the right choice.

He walked over to them.

Primus: The news crews are on their way.

Radioactive Dude: Thankya Primus. Now, y'all know the drill. As soon as the police get here, I will do the talking to hold them off. When the news people get here, Gnome will send out a hostage with a couple of the gnomes following, then we'll show the Pack we mean business.

Within a few minutes, the cops arrived. Radioactive Dude spoke with the Police Negotiator. They agreed to allow FF to send a message to the Pack in exchange for a hostage.

Radioactive Dude picked out two hostages. One male, the other female.

Radioactive Dude: Miss, you are free to leave. Now you, partier, are going to help us out. Two of these here explosive gnomes will escort you outside. As soon as you get out there, holler over to the cops that you will be delivering a message. Here it is.

Radioactive Dude handed the man a piece of paper. The man read over it. He looked scared.

Radioactive Dude: I know what the message says, but trust us, you will not be hurt.

The man read over the paper again. He went outside. Evil Gnome sent his gnomes with him.

Radioactive Dude: Well, now it's your turn Llama. What do you have in store for that gentleman.

Before Llama could respond, they heard an explosion. The looked outside. The hostage was gone, and in his place, was nothing but shattered glass, some fire, and a lot of smoke.

Dealy Llama: What the fuck did you do Gnome? You weren't supposed to kill him! I was going to have the Mrs. go out there as a dog and piss on his leg!

Evil Gnome: It wasn't me! I didn't tell the gnomes to detonate the bombs!

Across the street from the mall, was a Holiday Inn. On the roof of the Inn, stood a man with a sniper rifle.

The Jaded Poet smiled as he sat the rifle down. He called Lichton.

Jaded Poet: I have disposed an innocent captive and have incriminated the rogues for the malfeasance.

Lichton responded and Poet ended the call. The plan was to make sure Pillz and Pero held nothing back in their next attack on this group of villains.

Poet picked up his binoculars and waited for the Pack to arrive.

Pillz was on speaker phone with the mayor.

Pillz: I understand the police want to take them down now. Listen, they want us. Let us lure them out of the mall and the police can go in and rescue the hostages while the Five are distracted.

Mayor: Fine. I'll tell the Chief of your plan.

Pillz looked over at Pero.

Pillz: You ready for this? This will probably not end well. They took a life. There's no holding back this time.

Pero: Their day of reckoning is at hand. I got that from a book I read. I think it was by Dr. Suess.

Pillz: Primus will be with them. We have to label him guilty as well. Even though he probably didn't have any real say or part in it, but he made his choice and he has to live with it.

Pero: I don't need to convince myself that we have to take him down.

Pillz didn't respond, but he knew Pero was right. That's exactly what Pillz was doing. Whether he liked it or not, Pillz had come to see Primus as a little brother, and his betrayal had hurt like no other. Despite all of that though, Pillz felt a little guilty for Primus' actions, but he had to be dealt with. They had to be dealt with.

Pillz: Call back to the other car. Let them know we are a couple of blocks away from the mall.

In the other car, the three occupants were arguing.

Burnsy: Don't worry about how I drive! I drive just fine.

JeNewBee: Women are not to be the best drivers! I have seen many wrecks. Women do the most of them!

Raptor Pat: Will you two pipe down, I'm trying to concentrate.

Burnsy: Who are you texting, anyways?

Raptor Pat: Don't worry about it.

JeNewBee: Texting is too softcore. I like to penetrate with my words. Rape your mind with my voice!

Burnsy: And you do that quite well. My phone is vibrating.

She got out her phone and handed it to Pat.

Burnsy: Who is it?

Raptor Pat: It's Pero.

Pat answered it. Pero told them they were almost at the mall.

Raptor Pat: We are almost there. They said to hang back and wait for Pillz' signal to move in.

Burnsy: What's the signal going to be?

Raptor Pat: I don't know.

Burnsy: That's just great.

JeNewBee: Justin will know when the time is the right one. Justin always knows. He can talk to me. He tells me his secrets!

Burnsy and Pat ignored him.

Raptor Pat: Maybe he'll hold his hand in the air and wave for us to attack.

Burnsy: Why don't you just call them back and ask?

Raptor Pat: Good idea.

Pat called back. They talked for a few minutes and Pat hung up.

Burnsy: Well?

Raptor Pat: He's going to put his hand in the air and wave for us to attack. Oh, and Jewb, he wants you to use your power on Primus.

JeNewBee: That's a great idea. If I knew who that was!

Raptor Pat: Pillz said he will be confronting Primus, so just use your powers on whoever that's going to be.

JeNewBee: That's fine! Whatever you guys do, do not count to 100 by fives. It will be your downfall! The Law will protect me, but not you.

Burnsy: Quiet down. We're at the mall.

They found a spot to park the car. They got out and saw Pillz and Pero walking up the entrance of the mall, which had been blown out in the explosion.

Pillz looked at the devastation. It only made him angrier.

Pillz: Fucktastic Five! We are here, come out!

Radioactive Dude looked at the approaching figure and smiled when he heard him shout.

Radioactive Dude: I can tell that man has come here for a real showdown. Let's give it to him. Let's head out. Leave the guns behind, this is going to be a fair fight.

The Fucktastic Five exited the mall and faced Pillz and Pero out in the parking lot.

Radioactive Dude: I know what you boys are thinking. You are thinking we killed that poor man. Well, think what you like, truth is, we had nothing to do with it.

Pillz: Your hostage. Your gnomes strapped with explosives. Your responsibility.

Radioactive Dude: Well, be that as it may, you are obviously here with an intent to put a stop to us once and for all. We share the same goals for you two. Any last words?

Pillz held his hand up and waved.

Pillz: Power Pack! Assemble!

Pillz' words caught the Five off guard. They didn't see a blur heading in their direction. As they felt a gust of wind blow by them, Evil Gnome looked down at his gnomes.

Evil Gnome: My gnomes! Their explosives are gone!

They heard shouting.

Raptor Pat: Over here! I've got your bombs. Nynah nynah nynah nynah!

Evil Gnome: Nobody messes with my gnomes and gets away with it.

Gnome gathered his minuscule troops and headed for Pat.

Radioactive Dude: Well Pillz, I see you rounded up a posse.

Pillz: Indeed I have.

Burnsy and JeNewBee gathered with him and Pero.

Dealy Llama looked at JeNewBee and whispered to his Mrs.

Dealy Llama: What the fuck is he doing with them. If he's a hero, then I must be a goddamn savior. Oh well, five of us, five of them. The Law is never wrong. We won't fight one of our own, let's take on that chick.

Pillz: Now Dude, I know it's custom for the leaders to spar, but there's some one else I intend to deal with personally.

Radioactive Dude: He's all yours. Primus, take out Mr. Pillz here. I'll handle the big fellow.

Raptor Pat saw the man in dreadlocks head right for him. The man was being followed by a bunch of lawn gnomes. Pat always found those things to be a little creepy. He thought back to a couple of years ago, when a woman asked his to find a thief that stole her gnomes right off her lawn.

He ended up finding the guy and her gnomes, but couldn't get himself to gather them up and return them to her. There was just something about them that made Pat hesitant to touch them.

Gnome approached the speedster, but for some odd reason, the speedster didn't move. In fact, he seemed to be in a daze.

He commanded his gnomes to latch on to the guys legs to pin him down.

Pat decided it was best not to think about the things touching him, only to realize that's exactly what was happening. The gnomes were climbing up his legs and latching on somehow. Each of them felt like they weighed 15 pounds each, and now there were 6 of them latched on.

He tried to kick them off, but he could barely move his legs. He lost his balance and fell over.

Dealy Llama dodged the fireball.

Dealy Llama: I love it when a bitch gets all hot for me! Come on baby, give me all you got!

Burnsy wanted to fry this bastard. The prick somehow was more obnoxious than JeNewBee. She formed another fireball and launched it at Llama.

Llama raised his shield and blocked the fireball with it. He sat the shield down.

Dealy Llama: I'm going to remember you for later. The Mrs. here can become anything I want her too. And I know she's going to have a blast looking like you tonight.

Burnsy: You're disgusting.

Dealy Llama: I'm just an honest man. Now tell me something hot lips, what's a fine thing like yourself doing with these dumb fucks?

Burnsy: I have my reasons. So, is boring me with conversation part of your tactical plan, 'cause it's not going to work.

Dealy Llama: I have better tricks up my sleeve. Let's see how well you do against two targets.

He honked his nose.

The Mrs. became an eagle. She took to the sky and made a dive for Burnsy. Llama began to run after her.

PeroHulk ran towards Radioactive Dude.

The Dude sidestepped him and tossed his rope over PeroHulk's head.

Radioactive Dude: Just like a bullfight!

PeroHulk: My mom says I'm bullheaded, but I am not a bull.

Radioactive Dude: Well I will be horsewhipped. None of that "PeroHulk smash" talk.

PeroHulk: Too bad we have to put up with that silly cowboy talk.

Radioactive Dude: Touché , yellow man.

PeroHulk grabbed the rope and pulled the Dude towards him. As the Dude was being dragged towards the behemoth, he unfastened the custom made cattle prod from off his belt.

PeroHulk pulled the cowboy to him, as he picked him up to toss him away, he felt the high voltage of the cattle prod course through his body. Then there was darkness.

Pillz and Primus stared each other down. Both of them knew what they wanted to say to each other but waited for the other one to speak first.

Pillz finally broke the silence.

Pillz: Why?

Primus: You know why. You kept berating me and treating me like a subordinate. We founded that team together.

Pillz: If I was hard on you, it was for your own good.

Primus: I think it was for your own good.

Pillz: I did what needed to be done for the team. You were the one too concerend with yourself. Now look, you joined a team of killers.

Primus: We didn't kill him.

Pillz didn't respond. He clenched his ringed hand. He had to wait until the right moment.

Primus cocked his head to the left, as though he were listening to something.

Primus: What the hell does that mean?

Pillz: What?

Primus: Somebody said "My bologna has a first name. It's O. M. G. U. S. U. C. K."

Pillz knew that was the sign. He activated his ring. Primus saw this.

Primus: My powers can block yours. I can block anything.

Primus clenched his teeth and tried to make something happen. Nothing did. He saw that Pillz was making a prison around him with the energy coming from the ring.

Pillz: This is what happens when you are unable to fpocus your mind and concentrate on your power.

Primus wondered why the hell his power didn't work. He closed his eyes and tried to think. That alien voice returned.

"Who does the cutting? The blade or the person holding the sword? Either way, you are a stupid person. Orajel tastes nasty! Ha. You're in a prison! Don't drop the soap!"

Primus knew the source of the alien voice was causing his powers to malfunction. He concentrated on the voice, trying to get it out.

JeNewBee was staring at Primus. As soon as he made a psychic link, he could figure out the nature of Primus' power. To keep Primus from triggering his defensive powers, JeNewBee kept transmitting bad thoughts.

Then, he felt a new sensation. The person was fighting back. It was as if he was pushing JeNewBee's thoughts back into his own head. JeNewBee concentrated harder.

Primus remained focused on getting rid of the alien voice, but he glanced around to see if he could find the person they were coming from.

He saw him.

Primus saw a man in a ridiculous get-up staring right back at him. Primus called out.

Primus: Radioactive Dude! Get the man over there in that stupid costume!

Radioactive Dude looked up. Primus was being held captive by Pillz, but the boy wanted him to attack the strange looking fellow with silver face paint. The Dude thought the sight of this man just standing there was queer, but he realized the stranger was staring right at Primus.

The Dude finished tying up PeroHulk and headed for the strange man.

JeNewBee heard his bird, Justin, squawk.

JeNewBee: What's that boy? The cowboy is headed right towards us and left Pero alone and you want to go untie him! Go get him!

JeNewBee let the bird out of the cage.

JeNewBee hoped the effect on Primus would last. He broke of the connection with him. And started to do his dance.

Radioactive Dude saw the strange fellow release a bird, turn towards him, and began to dance. The Dude would have chuckled at such a sight, but he knew in his gut that it was trouble. The dude reached for his old iron six-shooter. He hated to have to use it, it was always meant as a last resort, but there might not be any other way to deal with the strange fellow.

The Dude held up the gun.

Radioactive Dude: I'm for a little dancing as much as the next fellow, but I'm going to have to ask you to stop.

JeNewBee stopped his dancing. It was all up to his bird now.

Evil Gnome continued to hammer his fists against Raptor Pat.

Raptor Pat: I give up! Stop!.

Evil Gnome: I'm usually not this violent, but you managed to tick me off. Then again, it could be the alcohol.

Raptor Pat: Please stop! I'll make it worth your while.

Evil Gnome stopped hitting him.

Evil Gnome: Really? You know, you are quite cute. I think we could arrange something.

Raptor Pat: No! That's not what I meant! I'd rather you keep hitting me.

Evil Gnome: I think I'll let my gnomes take care of you.

As Gnome watched his lawn ornament minions gather around his victim, he noticed a strange shadow covering over them.

PeroHulk: Time to say hi to your old boyfriend Sparks.

Evil Gnome: You! Attack him!

The gnomes left Pat and leapt onto PeroHulk.

PeroHulk: I can get this. Go help that fire chick.

Raptor Pat ran towards Burnsy.

Burnsy was shooting fire from both hands. They weren't as powerful as her normal fireballs, but they were enough to keep Llama and the Mrs. from overpowering her.

By this time, the Mrs. had turned into a lion.

Dealy Llama: We can keep this up all night! Pretty soon, you are going to run out of heat. And then I ain't going to need the Mrs. to turn into you, we'll just have you to play with.

Burnsy: I'll set myself on fire before I let a midget clown and his freak wife have their way with me.

Dealy Llama: Don't knock it till you...

He couldn't finish his sentence, he was knocked back by a quick blur.

Llama was thrown all the way back into a wall. He collected himself and saw Raptor Pat in front of him.

Raptor Pat: You know, I hate clowns. In my hometown, we have this clown that calls himself Mr. Smiles. He likes to give kids candy that has Ritalin inside of them, so the kids will do better in school. He tried to give me some, but I never trusted clowns, so I arrested him for misconduct with minors.

Dealy Llama: You should have taken the stuff, you fucking dumbass.

Llama noticed the Mrs. was headed for them. He also saw the the fire bitch was aiming a fireball right for her. He honked his nose and transformed her into a hummingbird.

The Mrs. took off at a fast pace and managed to get away.

Raptor Pat knew what was happening.

Raptor Pat: She wasn't aiming for her.

Pat sped off. Llama noticed the fireball heading in his direction. The fireball stopped right before it reached him, and dropped to the ground. The fire began to spread around him, trapping him. He honked his nose and and the Mrs. flew in, this time in the form of a gryphon. The Mrs. picked up Llama with her talons.

Dealy Llama: We're getting the fuck out of here. Fuck the two of you!

They flew off.

Primus could feel his power coming back. He looked at the green energy bars around him. They were all around him, except under him.

Primus could feel a new strength flowing through him. He punched the ground from out under him

Pillz saw this and new Primus' powers had returned. He undid the prison and began to shoot blasts of energy and Primus.

Primus knew he had to escape. His powers changed, and he began to fly.

Primus: This isn't over!

Pillz aimed for him, but for some reason held back. He watched as Primus looked towards Llama and the Mrs, then, much to Pillz' surprise, flew off in another direction.

Raptor Pat came speeding over.

Raptor Pat: Doesn't that ring let you fly? Go after him!

Pillz: I can't.

Raptor Pat: Why not.

Pillz looked angry. He screamed out.

Pillz: Because I'm afraid of heights!

They heard screaming. It was coming from Gnome.

PeroHulk busted a fifth gnome.

PeroHulk: We never had lawn gnomes at my house. We did have this lawn jockey once. I named him Howard. Growing up, I never had many friends. So, Howard became my best friend. I would take him everywhere. We went fishing together, camping together, but never horseback riding. I used to like horseback riding. But one time, when I was trying to get up in the horse, he stepped on my foot. But that was before I met Howard. My parents bought him to remind me of what I would never become since I gave up horse riding. Howard never brought that subject up, because he respected me. I think my parents resented him for that. They gave him back to the orphanage.

Evil Gnome: What the hell are you talking about? Quit smashing my gnomes!

Gnome then found himself trapped in a green energy cell.

Pillz: Game's up Gnome.

Radioactive Dude came walking over with his hands up.

Radioactive Dude: I reckon it's time to throw in the towel. I didn't want to, mind you, but that nice lady with the fireball helped convince me.

Pillz: The two of you will be escorted by the police to your jail cells. Then you'll be tried for the murder of that hostage.

Radioactive Dude: So be it, son. Let me tell you this though, we had no hand in the cause of the explosion. Our plan was to make fool of the guy, not to kill him.

The police placed the Dude and Gnome under arrest.

Police Chief: So, 3 of them escaped, correct?

Pillz: Yes, Primus, Dealy Llama, and his Mrs.

Police Chief: Well, thank you for responding. We were able to save the rest of the hostages.

Pillz: That's good.

Pillz looked over at the front of the mall, where the man was killed. He then looked over at the Holiday Inn, and saw a figure moving on the roof. The figure soon moved away from Pillz' vision, but Pillz' instinct told him nothing good was associated with whomever that was.

Raptor Pat: Well, we got two of them. Looks like the hard part is done.

Pillz shook his head and stared off at the Holiday Inn.

Pillz: I'm afraid it might just be beginning.

To Be Continued.

Laemeur does it again.

2009-07-08T05:11:00.000-04:00

Abortion Mobile by ~Laemeur on deviant ART

Gloomy Sunday.

2009-05-03T02:00:00.000-04:00

Gweg kept looking over his shoulder.

It was a Friday night and he was taking a walk with Sara. It had been a week since the Abortion-Mobile fiasco. And this particular week had been very stressful and nerve racking for Gweg.

Satyr had only spoke to him on one of those days. The others, Satyr would simply look at Gweg and laugh.

Gweg knew he was up to something, but he didn't know what.

He looked over at Sara. She looked stunning in the light of the sunset. She hadn't taken the news of Satyr's survival well. She had blamed Satyr for the recent tragedy in her life and had felt there was a certain justice at work when thought Satyr had died.

Gweg looked over his shoulder again. Sara caught him.

Sara: Worried he's following us?

Gweg: Yes.

It was only half true. It was mostly just paranoia causing him to keep a look out, but deep down inside, he knew that whatever Satyr was planning, was going to come when he least expected it.

Sara: He's not going to attack you out here, it's not his style. He's going to figure out a way to destroy something you love.

Gweg gave Sara a worried look. That was exactly what he was afraid of.

Gweg thought back to the other day, when Satyr had spoke to him.

Gweg was watching Bones when Satyr came out of his room. Satyr stood in front of the TV.

He held out a piece of paper in front of him.

Satyr: I've been working on this all day. I have established a set of rules.

Gweg: Rules? What are you talking about?

Satyr: Don't interrupt me. We are at war and these are the rules:
1. The apartment is Sacred Ground. We will not do anything to each other in the apartment. Everywhere else is fair game.
2: Besides the apartment, nothing is sacred.
That's all.

Gweg: It took you all day to come up with that?

Satyr: Yeah, get your laughs now while you still have the chance. Because I guarantee you Gweg, I will have my revenge. You're getting awfully close to Sara, aren't you?

Gweg became furious. He rose from the couch and walked over to Satyr.

Gweg: You leave her out of this. You've done enough to that poor woman.

Satyr cracked a grin.

Satyr: You don't know what you are getting yourself into, Gweg. She's trouble. I'll give you one last piece of advice; stay away from her.

Gweg: No, you stay away from her. You add that to your "rules". She's off limits.

Satyr: Sorry Gweg, there will be no amendments to the rules. They are final.

Satyr walked back towards his room. Before he went in, he yelled back at Gweg.

Satyr: Seriously Gweg, whatever you do, don't fall in love with her!

Gweg looked over at Sara and wondered what Satyr was playing at when he said that. He was obviously trying to screw with him.

The two of them arrived back at Sara's house.

Sara: Thanks for walking with me Gweg. Do you want to come inside for a glass of water?

Gweg: Sure.

Gweg followed her inside. She kept a nice house, clean and neat. Sara led him into the living room.

Sara: Have a seat. Make yourself at home. I'll go get that water.

She went into the kitchen. Gweg noticed her DVD collection. He looked over them, spotting many children's movies that were probably never going to be watched again. He also noticed a lot of Christian movies.

Sara came back into the room , holding two glasses of water. She handed one to Gweg.

Sara: Did you want to watch a movie? I'm up for one.

Gweg: Yeah, that would be great.

Sara: Pick one. I've probably seen most of them a dozen times or more. Val used to watch "Finding Nemo" two or three times a day after we got it.

Gweg could see the pain in Sara's eyes. He decided to pick out a movie that wasn't too funny or too sad. Something mediocre. He picked out Bruce Almighty.

Gweg: I haven't watched this one since it first came out.

Sara: That's' a good one. That reminds me, I wanted to ask you something. It's all right if you say no.

Gweg: What is it?

Sara: Will you come to church with me on Sunday? Val used to come with me and I don't feel like going alone.

Gweg could see that she really wanted him to go along. In fact, Gweg liked the idea. He thought going to church might set him on the right coarse towards redemption. Despite some of things he has done in the past.

Which reminded him of a dark little deed he and Satyr committed. Gweg felt tremendous shame when he thought about it.

Gweg: Yeah. I'll go with you.

Sara: Thank you Gweg. I really appreciate it. It's going to be weird. I usually teach the Sunday School after church services. But not this week, this week they insisted I take it off. They said they had a good substitute.

They watched the movie. They both sat on the couch. Half way through, Sara positioned her self so she was snuggled up next to Gweg. He put his arm around her.

By the end of the movie, they had begun to make out. Gweg ended up staying the night.

Gweg arrived back at the apartment the next morning, happier than he has ever been. The smile that had been on faced cleared when he walked through the door.

Satyr was sitting on the couch, reading the newspaper. he didn't even bother to put it down when he addressed Gweg.

Satyr: Where the hell have you been?

Gweg: What's it to you?

Satyr threw the paper down next to him. He spoke to Gweg with contempt in his voice.

Satyr: You were with her, weren't you? I warned you.

Gweg was doing his best not to let Satyr ruin his good mood.

Gweg: Yeah, so what? Being with her makes me feel good.

Satyr shook his head.

Satyr: You don't understand something, Gweg. I know you're thinking this going to be some storybook romance, but it's not. You're not going to get a "happily ever after" with her. You may have fucked her last night, but if you stay with her, you're going to be the one getting it put into you.

Gweg: I didn't fuck her last night. We both fell asleep on her couch. Not that's it's any of your business. And despite the fact that she was married to you, she is nothing like you. She's a good person. You were her mistake.

Satyr: Do you want to know the truth?

Gweg: No. I don't want to hear anything you have to say. You are just trying to make me paranoid. It's part of your revenge. So, just save it.

Gweg began to walk towards his room.

Satyr: She talked you into going to church, didn't she?

Gweg stopped in his tracks. He turned around.

Gweg: How do you know about that?

Satyr laughed.

Satyr: I was married to her. I know her tricks. She's an emotional manipulator, Gweg. You feel so much sympathy towards he because of that dead kid, and she'll use that to her advantage. See, she is a little like me after all.

Gweg: I doubt she does it on purpose. Besides, I think church is exactly what I need, after what we did.

Satyr: You need to be a bit more specific.

Gweg: When we went back in time and gave the Virgin Mary an abortion.

Satyr looked at Gweg, stunned.

Satyr: What in the holy hell are you talking about?

Gweg: You don't remember that? You built a time machine out of a refrigerator, we went back in time, killed the fetus of Jesus, came back, and found out that fetus survived and wanted to kill us. So, you killed it instead, put it in a jar, and tried to sell it on eBay.

Satyr began to laugh.

Satyr: Do you hear yourself? Did you pay attention to anything you just said? Because buddy, that was the craziest story I ever heard.

Gweg: It happened. I'll prove it to you! You've still got the Jesus fetus in your closet.

Gweg stormed off to Satyr's room.

Satyr: Stay out of my room!

Satyr took off after him.

Gweg got to the closet and started going through it. He didn't find what he was looking for.

Gweg: Where is it? I know you didn't sell it. What did you do with it?

Satyr walked over to his dresser and opened up the top drawer. He took out a small pill bottle.

Satyr: The answer is right here.

He shook the bottle. Gweg could hear the pills rattling inside.

Gweg: What are those?

Satyr: My own special concoction. Satyr acid, really. I slipped you some one day to test it out. You ran around the apartment, screaming "Fetus Christ is gonna get us! Get him with the nail gun!". I had a good laugh.

Gweg: You slipped me acid?

Satyr: Yeah. You imagined the whole thing.

Gweg: You son of a bitch. You god damned mother-fucking son of a bitch! This whole time, I kept thinking I was a Christ killer.

Satyr: You're not Jewish. Besides, that whole Christ thing is a fairy tale. Which is why you're going to be wasting your time at church.

Gweg walked out of the room.

Gweg: You fucking sicken me.

Satyr smiled.

Gweg's head was swimming. The whole thing had been a drug-induced hallucination. Gweg couldn't believe, he was angry that Satyr had drugged, but relieved at the same time.

Gweg felt like this was truly the start of a new beginning. He got on his knees and prayed.

After Gweg's got through praying, he called Sara.

Gweg: I am definitely on for church tomorrow.

Sara: I'm happy to hear that. You'll love this church. It's the church I've always wanted to get married in. Of course, Satyr didn't want to get married in a church, so I didn't get my chance.

Gweg: You deserve to have your dream wedding.

Sara: Thank you.

Gweg: And I wanted to tell you I had a great time last night.

Sara: Me too. After church tomorrow, would you like to accompany me on a picnic, since I'm off from my Sunday School duties.

Gweg: I'd love to.

Gweg spent the rest of the day catching up on some reading and thinking about the direction his life was going.

He felt he would have forgotten about his troubles, if hadn't been reminded of them every 40 minutes by the laughter that was coming out of Satyr's room.

Gweg didn't like having the threat of Satyr's retaliation hanging over him. He thought about walking into Satyr's room and asking for forgiveness, but he knew he had nothing to apologize for.

Not that it would probably do any good anyway. Satyr was hell bent on revenge.

Sunday morning came. Gweg got up, took a shower, and put in his finest clothes for church. He had grown more paranoid over the night and felt it might be best to plead with Satyr, to leave him alone for the day.

He went to Satyr's room and knocked on his door. No answer. He opened the door a little and peeked inside.

He didn't see Satyr anywhere.

Gweg thought he may have already left. He inhaled deeply and tried to brace himself for whatever might come today.

He was just glad to have Sara on his side. She managed to give him the strength he didn't know he had.

He called her up and hold her he was ready.

She picked him and they arrived at the church a half hour later.

The church was indeed beautiful. The service was magnificent. The Reverend, Thomas Hart, seemed to be a great man who really loved what he was doing. Before the service, people were coming up to Sara and expressing their sympathies. Gweg was glad that she brought him into a nice group of people.

20 minutes after the service was over. They went to the store to pick up supplies for their picnic.

Around that same time, the Sunday School Sara was supposed to teach was getting started.

The room the church had built for the School was the size of a small classroom. There were 15 kids attending, ages 8 to 12.

The Reverend's wife, who had put together the Sunday School, entered the room.

Mrs. Hart: Kid,s may I have your attention please? As some of you know from your parents, Miss Russell has been through a difficult time recently. The good Lord called her beloved daughter to be by his side in Heaven. So, Miss Russell will be taking some time off.

The kids let out a groan. Miss. Russell was their favorite teacher.

Mrs. Hart: Don't worry kids, we have found a great replacement for her. He is a very good man who know the Bible very well and will be more than happy to share his knowledge with you. I want you all to welcome, Mr. Applebee.

She held her hands out to the door that stood behind the kids. They all turned to look and let out a gasp. The man standing in the doorway was half man, half goat. In one hand, he held a briefcase. In the other, a grocery bag. Some of the kids became frightened.

Satyr got a sense of the room quickly. He hid his smile. As he walked towards the front of the class, he could feel the eyes of the kids following him.

He sat his things down on the desk and shook Mrs. Hart's hand. He looked over the room and stood at the podium in front of the class.

Satyr: Thank you Mrs. Hart, for that kind introduction.

Mrs. Hart gave Satyr a bow and made her way out of the classroom.

The kids stared at Satyr.

Satyr: If any of you kids have any questions for me, don't be afraid to ask.

On of the kids raised his hand. Satyr looked at the seating chart for the boy's name.

Satyr: Yes, Zakk, what's your question?

Zakk: Mr. Applebee...

Satyr raised up his hand to stop him.

Satyr: No, no ". Applebee", you kids can call me Mr. Satyr.

Zakk: Mr. Satyr, why do you look like the Devil?

Satyr held his head down and bit his tongue. It was all he could do to keep the laughter from coming out. After he was able to suppress it, he looked up at the kids.

Satyr: That's because I am the Devil.

The older kids let out a gasp. Some of the younger ones began to cry.

This time, Satyr did let out a laugh. But it was surprised laughter.

Satyr: What have they been telling you kids about me?

Zakk: You are evil and the enemy of God.

Satyr gave the kid a shocked look.

Satyr: Let me ask you kids something. Who created me?

One of the kids spoke out.

Jane: God?

Satyr smiled at her.

Satyr: That's right, God made me. Now, why would God make his own enemy? That's like Superman making Lex Luthor. Doesn't make much sense, does it?

Zakk: I guess not.

Satyr: That's right. Now, let me tell you why I am here. God sent me to your classroom, because he wants me to lead you all on a special mission.

The initial fears the children had when Satyr first entered were gone. The looked at him with awe.

Satyr: Now, I can't reveal to you what the entire mission is yet, but I will be able to tell you why we are doing it.

Satyr picked up the grocery bag and placed it on the podium.

Satyr: I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your teacher, Miss. Russell, is working for the Anti-Christ.

Satyr heard a couple of gasps from the kids. Some of the kids looked suspicious. Satyr knew how to real them in, but not just yet.

Satyr: I know what you are thinking. "Not Miss. Russell!" But sadly, it's true. You see, the Anti-Christ, has influenced her. That means he has taken over the way she thinks. In fact, you think Miss Russell is too busy crying about her dead kid to teach you kids today.. That's not true. She and the Anti-Christ are out having a picnic!

Zakk: Miss Russell wouldn't do something like that! She told us that she loves God.

Satyr: That may have been true, at one time. But she blames God for killing her daughter. And now she's hooked up with the big A.C. And I want you kids to listen closely to what I'm about to tell you.

Satyr could see their little heads strain forward. They were putty in his hands.

Satyr: The name of the Anti-Christ is Gweg.

The kids looked confused. Satyr wasn't worried.

Satyr: Let me tell you kids a story they left out of the Bible. The Jesus you all know and love, wasn't the first Jesus. He's the second. You see, the first time God impregnated the Virgin Mary, Gweg went back in time and gave her an abortion.

Satyr grabbed the top of the grocery sack and pulled it down over the canister that was inside. The kids let out a scream when they saw what was inside it.

Satyr: That's right kids. That is the aborted fetus of the first Jesus. I stole it from Gweg. He kept it in his house, like it was a trophy. God wants us to teach Gweg and Miss Russell a lesson.

One of the kids raised his hands.

Satyr: Yes.....Adam?

Adam: What do we have to do?

Satyr: First, we're going on a little field trip.

Gweg and Sara unfolded their blanket onto the grass.

This was the first time Gweg had ever been on a traditional outdoor picnic. It was a very pleasant day. It wasn't too hot and there was a gentle breeze.

Gweg: Thank you for taking me to your church.

Sara: You don't need to thank me. You were doing me the favor.

Gweg: I think we were both doing each other a favor.

Sara smiled. She sat upon the blanket and motioned for Gweg to do the same. The brought out their sandwiches and began to eat.

They sat in silence for a couple of moments. Gweg decided to break. He wanted to know more about her.

Gweg: So, do you have any brothers or sisters?

Sara: I have a sister. A twin. But, I haven't seen her in a long while.

Gweg: What happened to her?

Sara: She moved away. She was into...bad things. I've only seen her once since then. And that wasn't on very good terms.

Gweg just nodded. The poor girl has been through so much, he thought. And with that, his mind instant flashed to Satyr.

Gweg began to look around the park.

Sara: Are you looking for him?

Gweg nodded.

Sara: He's not going to ruin this. I won't let him.

Gweg wanted to change the subject.

Gweg: Tell me about the Sunday School. What's that like?

Sara smiled.

Sara: I love it.Being able to bring an understanding of God down to a child's level is so inspiraing. My sister, she was always anti-religion. She would make fun of me every time I read the Bible. Then when she left me, I felt like it was my fault, so I stopped reading it. Then Satyr came into my life. After I had Valerie and he left me, I felt like the time was right for me to set my life back on the right track. So, I picked up the Bible again and started going to church. I became friends with Mr. and Mrs. Hart and she asked me if I wanted to be a part of some of the church activities. I ended up teaching the Sunday School. And the kids I teach are so wonderful. I have so much fun teaching them.

Gweg: The kids must really like you.

Sara: They do. They are probably devastated that I didn't show up today.

Gweg heard a low rumbling. He turned his head towards the distance it was coming from. He saw a small brown school bus.

Gweg: Looks like we are going to have some company.

Sara squinted at the bus.

Sara: That's the bus from the church. We use it for the Sunday School field trips. I wonder what it's doing here?

Gweg smiled.

Gweg: Maybe they are here to give you a piece of their mind for not showing up today.

The bus headed right towards them. It drove onto the grass and head straight towards their direction. Gweg stood up and helped Sara to her feet.

Gweg: I think we should get ready to run.

The bus stopped 20 feet away from them.

The door opened up. The kids began to pour out. They ran right towards Sara and Gweg.

Sara: It's just my kids. They won't hurt us.

Gweg wasn't too sure. He saw that the kids were holding objects in their hands.

As the kids ran closer, Gweg saw what the objects were.

Rocks..

Sara wasn't paying attention to what the kids had. She dropped to her knees in anticipation for a group hug. Gweg pulled her up in time. Adam, the fastest of the bunch, had thrown his rock at Sara just as Gweg pulled her up. He hit her in the leg.

Sara screamed out.

Sara: Adam! What are you doing!

Adam: You are a harlot! God's messenger told us to smite you!

The other kids began to throw their rocks.

Thankfully for Gweg and Sara, there wasn't much strength in the arms that were launching said projectiles. But Gweg and Sara were still getting hit, so they ran. Gweg hopped into Sara's car and she tossed him the key. He sped out of the park. The kids threw what rocks they had left at the car as it drove away.

They headed back towards the bus.

Satyr was sitting behind the wheel.

Satyr: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. And there ain't nobody more innocent than a child.

They kids climbed back into the bus and sat in there seats.

Adam looked around.

Adam: How come Zakk didn't come with us?

Satyr: Zakk is on a little side mission. My partner took him to where he needs to be.

Satyr's cell phone rang. He looked at the caller I.D. and sighed.

He answered it.

Satyr: What do you want? Well, I'm busy. Don't worry about it. What!?!? When? Fine, I'll try to be there. What's this about? Them? Who cares about them? Fine. Whatever.

Satyr ended the call.

Gweg was driving as fast as he could. He kept checking the rear view mirror. No sign of the school bus.

Sara was besides herself. She was sitting in the passenger side, shaking.

Sara: I can't believe the kids would do that!

Gweg: Satyr got to them. That son a bitch. He's not going to hold back.

Sara: We need to go to the police.

Gweg: We'll call them from my apartment.

Sara: Your apartment? Why are we going there?

Gweg: Believe it or not, that is the safest place for us right now.

Gweg explained the "rules" to Sara. She agreed to go to the apartment.

The arrived at the apartment building. Gweg gave Sara his keys.

Gweg: Get up there and call the cops. I'll wait down here a couple of minutes and see if Satyr will show up. Call them and make sure they send someone here, someone to your church, and someone out looking for the bus. Make sure you speak to Watterson. He'll be more than happy to help us.

Sara ran up to the room. She unlocked the door and went inside. She was surprised to see one of her students already inside.

Zakk: Hello Miss Russell.

Sara: Zakk! What are you doing here? Did Satyr bring you here?

Zakk: No, his friend did. Mr. Satyr wants me to do something, but I don't want to do it. I don't believe him.

Sara: What does he want you to do?

Zakk: He says you are against God because he killed your daughter and you are going to turn us against God.

Sara got on one of her knees.

Sara: Zakk, honey, I am not angry at God. I love God. And I love you. I would never do anything to hurt you. What do you have behind your back?

Zakk had been standing with his right hand held behind his back. It brought it around. He was holding a small handgun.

Sara: What are you doing with that?

Zakk: It's my mother's. She got it after she got mugged that one night. I was told to get it. For my mission for God.

Sara: Zakk, listen to me. Satyr is a liar. He is using you as a pawn in some twisted game. So, just give me the gun and we'll take you home.

Gweg entered into the room.

Gweg: He hasn't shown up yet, have you called the cops? Wait, who's the kid?

Zakk's eyes widened when he saw Gweg enter the room.

Zakk: Miss Russell, who is that man?

Sara: That's my friend Gweg.

Zakk screamed.

Zakk: It's true! You are with the Anti-Christ! I knew it. God damns you all.

He stuck the barrel of the gun in his mouth.

Sara screamed out and lunged at him. Gweg was too shocked and confused to move.

Zakk pulled the trigger. The bullet and most of his brain exited out the back of his skull. His body hit the floor with a sickening thud.

Sara sunk to the floor, tears screaming down her face. Gweg finally broke form his paralysis and knelt next to Sara.

Gweg: Come on, we need to call the police.

As soon as he said that, a metal canister was thrown into the room. A green gas emitted from it.

Gweg pulled Sara up and began to ran towards the door, but the gas became to much for them.

They both passed out.

Gweg came to 3 hours later.

He awoke to an incredibly bad headache. He looked to his left and saw Sara. He could tell she was breathing.

He looked around the apartment.

The boy's body was gone. And the evidence of his suicide was gone as well. The apartment was spotless. The canister was gone as well.

It was like nothing ever happened.

Gweg went to the door and looked out into the hallway. Empty.

He went back in to check on Sara.

The phone began to ring. Gweg answered it. Satyr was on the other end of the line

Satyr: Good, I was hoping you'd be up by now.

Gweg: You said the apartment was off limits!

Satyr: It is. I didn't do anything to you.

Gweg: Some kid was in here and he blew his brains out!

Satyr: He did that to himself, not to you.

Gweg: Who threw that canister into here?

Satyr: Wasn't me.

Gweg: Where's the body at?

Satyr: I have it. Too bad, right? Without it, you can't prove anything happened, but you'll always know it did, because of you and your attack against me is what led to that poor boy's death.

Gweg: Do you want me to apologize? Is that it? Fine, I'm sorry for fucking over your stupid abortion-mobile. Okay? Will you stop now.

Satyr laughed over the phone.

Satyr: This is beyond apologies Gweg. This is something that can only be resolved until the hurt part is satisfied that a logical resolution has come about. And that's me. Listen, you want to end this thing? Come on down to the church.

Gweg: What's at the church?

Satyr: A bunch of retards talking to an imaginary friend. Ha Ha. Just kidding. The boy's body will be there. You want it. come and get it.

Satyr laughed and hung up.

Gweg put the phone down.

Sara was already up and looking at Gweg.

Sara: Was that him?

Gweg nodded.

Sara: What does he want?

Gweg: He wants us to go to the church. he's git that boy's body there. He says

Sara: Let's go.

Gweg was shocked to hear Sara wanted to confront Satyr.

Gweg: We should go to the police. We know where he's at, and he probably has some sort of trap.
Sara: Forget them. That bastard just had one of my kids kill himself right in front of me. I am tired of all the death that he is bringing my way, and the thought of Zakk's body being with him makes me sick. Whatever his problem is, I'm going to end it. With or without your help.

Gweg had never seen this side of Sara before. She was determined to stop Satyr and he wanted to be a part of it.

Gweg: Let's go.

The man in black waited in the car, and the satyr called him.

He answered the phone and listened as Satyr happily explained that he baited Gweg into going to the church.

The man put his cell phone away and stared at front door to the apartment building. As he watched the people pass it on the sidewalk, he couldn't help but sneer. He hated humans. Hated their very nature. And hated the fact that he looks exactly like them.

His name is Mike-El and he is an alien.

23 years ago, the man had been born on a different planet. A planet called Gypton. Unfortunately, that planet's sun was exploding and ready to consume his planet. His parents put him in a rocket ship and sent him into space.

He landed on Earth, where he was discovered by a loving elderly couple, who lived on a farm. Growing up, he was introduced to comic books, mainly Superman.

He was very excited to learn that he and Superman shared a common history. He was so enamored by it, that he tried to fly off the roof of his house.

A month later, after he got out of the hospital, he found the spaceship he was sent in. Discovering a message from his father, he learned the horrible truth.

His home world was powered by a yellow star, not a red one like Superman's was.

From that point on, Mike-El has lived in anger. When his adoptive father fell off a cliff during a hiking expedition, Mike-El watched on as he hung desperately on to the edge. As he dangled there, his mother screamed out for Mike to rescue him.

Mike-El just watched and suppressed a smile when his father finally let go.

His mother asked why he didn't save him. He turned to her and screamed, "I'm sorry I'm not Superman!"

A couple of years ago, Mike-El finally met someone with whom he felt a kinship with.

Satyr.

And now Satyr has brought him into this war with Gweg, whom had just walked out of the building, with the woman following behind him.

He called up Satyr.

Mike-El: They are on their way.

Satyr put his cell phone away and looked back at the kids.

They were still staring at the dead body that sat in the back seat.

One of the girls finally spoke up.

Girl: Mr. Satyr, what happened to Zakk?

Satyr: He performed a little ballistic brain surgery.

Girl: I don't know what that is.

Satyr sighed.

Satyr: For Pete's sake, it's like talking to a bunch of kids. He killed himself.

Girl: But that's a sin.

Satyr: Sure is. He's probably getting poked in the ass by the devil's red hot poker as we speak.

Girl: I thought you were the devil and you said Zakk was doing a mission for God and then going straight to heaven.

Satyr had completely forgot he told them that. He thought quickly.

Satyr: I am, but there's more than one of us. I'm the main guy..the one in that book. And yes, Zakk is going to Heaven. I was just making a joke.

Satyr parked the bus next to the church and had the kids get out. He went to the back seat, propped Zakk up on his shoulders, and made his way out of the emergency exit.

Reverend Hart was waiting for him there.

Rev. Hart: Oh my! The poor child! Let me say a prayer for him before we take him into the church.

Satyr: We don't have time for that nonsense. Gweg and Sara are on their way. We need to get the kids in the church.

Rev. Hart: I need to pray for this boy's soul.

Satyr: Well, while you are doing that, you should pray that those pictures I have of you don't fall into the "wrong" hands. God might forgive your sins, but I know your wife isn't going to.

Rev. Hart: You''re a bastard. First you blackmail me into convincing my wife to make you the substitute Sunday School teacher, then you make me a part of this atrocity.

Satyr: The Lord works in mysterious ways. Kids! Get into the church and get ready. The Anti-Christ and the Whore of Babylon will be here soon!

Rev. Hart: What exactly are you planning to do?

Satyr: Let's just say, I had a revelation the other day. You just to what I told you to do and everything will be fine.

Satyr took the body into the church and dumped it into one of the pews. He looked at the kids.

Satyr: You kids ready? You know what to do as soon as Gweg and Sara come in, right?

The kids nodded.

Satyr: God loves you all. He and Zakk are watching right now, so make sure you all do a good job.

Satyr made sure the kids were in position and picked up Zakk's body. He looked towards the front of the church and smiled.

Gweg and Sara were two blocks away from the chruch.

Gweg: It's not too late to turn back around.

Sara: First he uses my sister against me, gets my daughter killed, and now all this. I'm through just letting him him get away every time.

Gweg felt empowered by her anger, but he also felt ashamed. He felt a pang of guilt and looked over at Sara. She made him see things about himself that he was afraid to look at. That was the moment, he knew he was in love with her.

They arrived at the church and saw Rev. Hart waiting outside.

Sara got out of the car and ran over to him.

Sara: Is he in there? Are you a part of this?

Rev. Hart: Sara, my dear, I was used by him. He had photos of me with another woman. He blackmailed me into making sure he was your substitute for the school. Don't worry, I've convinced him to let the kids go. He is waiting for you and Gweg in the church.

Gweg: This is a trap. What's he got in there?

Rev. Hart: I don't know. He won't let me come inside. But I want to do one last thing, one last act of good faith. I am making the both of you ordained ministers to this church.

Gweg: Thanks, but why?

Rev. Hart: I have my reasons. You should go inside.

Sara: I'm going in.

Sara went stepped into the main room of the church. She didn't see the kids anywhere. She looked up and saw Zakk's body nailed to the cross at the front of the room.

Satyr was standing at the podium.

Satyr: Welcome! have a seat!

Sara began walking towards him. Gweg entered and caught up with her. He stopped her from going further and whispered in her ear.

Gweg: Hold on. Let's see what he's up to.

Satyr: I'm glad you two could come. You want to know a funny thing? You know this already Gweg, but I am an ordained minister.

Gweg: Through the Universal Life Church.

Satyr shrugged.

Satyr: It's all the same. You'll notice what's his face has taken the place of Jesus up on that cross. He's there to remind you that he died for your sins.

He pointed at Gweg and Sara.

Satyr: You two are very much like Adam and Eve. I told you not to mess with a certain thing, and you go ahead and do it anyway. And now other people have to suffer.

Satyr clapped his hand. The children stood up, they had been hiding in the pews.

Satyr: Suffer the little children. And I shall, if you don't do two things, Gweg. First, you must confess your sins and second, you must make a sacrifice.

Rev. Hart entered the church.

Gweg: What kind of a sacrifice?

Satyr: We'll get to that later. First, confess.

Gweg: What exactly are you going to do if I don't.

Satyr: Look under the pews.

Gweg and Sara bent over. Underneath the pews where the children were standing, were small explosives.

Satyr held up a device.

Satyr: This trigger can activate from a 100 yards away. So, I'll be safely outside if I have to use it. And don't think they are going to budge. They are going to stay right where they are. They know what you two are and are devoted to see you punished.

Gweg: What makes you think we'll let you out of here.

Satyr pointed behind them. Rev. Hart was holding a gun on Sara and Gweg.

Rev. Hart: I'm sorry, but I cannot let my wife see those pictures.

Sara: Your wife will forgive you for one act of adultery. She is a good Christian woman.

Satyr laughed.

Satyr: The woman in banging in the pictures is his own daughter!

Rev. Hart held his head in shame.

Satyr: Yep, took the story of Lot to heart, didn't ya Rev? you two ain't going to be doing nothing. Now, confess your sins, Gweg. This is a church after all. Oh, and do it on your knees.

Gweg dropped to his knees.

Gweg: Forgive me Satyr, for I have sinned.

Satyr laughed.

Satyr: I love it! Continue.

Gweg: I have sinned by causing you trouble and bringing about the destruction of your Abortion-Mobile.

Satyr: Thank you Gweg. You Sara, this is really all of your fault. You should confess too.

Sara: My fault? How is this my fault?

Satyr: If only you were more like your sister.

Sara began to walk towards Satyr. Rev. Hart pulled back the hammer of the gun.

Rev. Hart: I'm sorry Sara, bit I can't let you go any further.

Satyr: Way to lead your flock there, Rev. Forget your confessions, Sara, I want to wrap this up. Time for you to make your sacrifice, Gweg.

Satyr reached into his coat and brought out a gun. He threw it at Gweg.

Satyr: It's only loaded with one round. You have to make a choice. You can sacrifice anybody in this room, save for you or myself. You do that, and all is forgiven.

Gweg: What?

Satyr: I want you to kill somebody. It could be Sara, it could be the Reverend, or one of these brats. If you don't, I'll kill them all. If you shoot me, the Rev. will shoot Sara. If you shoot yourself, the Rev. will shoot Sara and I'll blow all of these kids straight to hell.

The kids looked up.

The oldest boy, Adam, got up from his pew.

Adam: You said if we were sacrificed, we would go to Heaven.

Satyr: God damn it kid, I say a lot of things I don't mean.

Adam: Which part didn't you mean?

Satyr: Whatever part you didn't like.

Adam: You are a liar! You are the devil. We should have never trusted the devil!

All the kids began to get up.

Satyr: Sit back down! God's going to be pissed! Damn it. I knew I should have tied all of you!.

Sara: Good kids, he is a liar. Now run outside.

Satyr: Reverend, shoot the bastards if the try to get out the door.

Rev. Hart: No, you said you weren't going to harm the kids! I will not allow this.

Reverend Hart turned and walked to the doors, the kids followed him. At that moment, Gweg held the gun up to Satyr.

Gweg: What now?

Satyr: You know, the last Church I was in was exploded by a mad man and I survived. Time for a little deja-vu.

Satyr ducked behind the podium and pushed the trigger. only on the explosives went off.

The one by the front doors. The explosion took out two of the kids and burnt the others. Reverend Hart's robe caught on fire. The fire spread quickly over him, causing him to stop drop and roll.

He rolled right into one of the explosives. It set off, incinerating the Reverend and causing shrapnel from the pews to strike some of the children. A fragment from the explosive caught Adam in the eye.

The wooden pews caught quickly on fire, spreading out, another explosve went off.

Gweg and Sara had both ducked down and were trying to escape. Gweg made it to the podium and saw Satyr was gone. he looked back and witnessed chaos, half of the kids were on fire running around trying to put the fire out, a few other were collapsed in a heap in front of the door, having tried to get out before it was engulfed in flames.. The fire got another explosive and set it off.

Smoke was covering half of the church now. Gweg saw that Sara was choking. He got up and ran to her. He picked her up and he could barely hear her whisper through her coughs.

Sara: There's a back door. Get the kids out.

Gweg looked back at the kids. It was hopeless to try. Another explosion. He picked up Sara and ran out the back.

He ran 5o yards while carrying her and laid her onto the grass. She had stopped breathing.

He performed mouth to mouth and was finally able to resuscitate her. She gasped for air and spoke in coughs.

Sara: The kids?

All Gweg could do was shake his head. He looked up and watched as the church burned.

2 hours later.

Satyr sat on the couch in his apartment. He was watching the news.

Reporter: There were no survivors of the church fire. Police have informed us that the cause of this fire was a murder suicide. Police have not made any positive I.D.s on the victims, but believe them to be the entire Sunday School class, which was dropped of at the Church after their teacher took them for a field trip this after noon. The Police have also told up that the fire was created by the Reverend of the Church, a Mr. Thomas Hart. Pictures of him have an incestuous relationship with his daughter. Police believe the exposure of the act is what caused the Reverend to commit such a heinous crime. We will have more of this as it develops.

Satyr took the last sip of Dr. Pepper. Mike-El had come through once again. He was a good person to have on his side. And good at what he does. Getting the evidence to blackmail and frame Rev. Hart. Cleaning up the apartment after the kid blew his brains out. He's the best Satyr was going to need him for what's to come.

Satyr listened to the message again.

Mike-El: Satyr, Mike here. Gweg and Sara arrived back at her place ten minutes ago. They both seem OK. I have this phone hooked up to the recorder, so you'll be able to hear what they have to say through that bug we planted in her house.

Satyr smiled. Planting a bug in Sara's house was a stroke of genius. His smiled faded as he began to listen to the conversation.

Gweg: Can I stay here, tonight?

Sara: Of course, I don't want you to go anywhere. We need to talk about what happened.

Gweg: I'm sorry I couldn't save the kids.

Sara: It's not your fault. It's his, we have to stop him.

Satyr cringed as he heard the seriousness in Gweg's voice as he spoke. He had never heard a level of intensity like that before. It sent a shiver down his spine.

Gweg: Sara, I love you and today, I almost lost you. He wants a war, he's got one. There have been too many casualties on our side. Too many people hurt. That ends starting now. I will do everything within my power to make sure he is brought down. they may have put put the fire on that church, but the fire that burns in me will never be extinguished.

Satyr shook his head, he would normally laugh at such a line, but the tone of Gweg's voice made it sound menacing.

Gweg: Whatever he plans to do, I will stop him. Will you help me?

Sara: Of course. And Gweg...

Gweg: Yes?

Sara: I love you too.

Satyr stopped the recording as the sounds of the two of them making out began.

Satyr feared he had created a monster. The determination in Gweg's voice caused Satyr to have a feeling he has not felt in a long time: Fear.

Satyr got up to get another Dr. Pepper. He heard a small creak and found that he was doing something he hated.

Satyr kept looking over his shoulder.

To Be Continued.

The Power Pack in "New Recruits"

2009-04-11T07:48:00.000-04:00

Pillz read over the note again.

Primus had left it in Pillz' office. It had been two hours since Primus had went out for a walk to "clear his head".

Pero stepped into the office.

Pero: All of his stuff is gone. I think he ran away. I ran away from home once. Well, more like rolled away from home. I was in a wheelchair, because I broke my leg when I playing on my friends trampoline.

Pillz: Why did you run away?

Pero: Because the day after the accident, my parents bought me a trampoline.

Pillz decided to leave it at that and looked over the letter again.

Pillz: In the note, he said he wanted to meet new friends. If he joined up with our enemies, then we have some serious problems.

Pero: Now they outnumber us even more.

Pillz: Yes, that and Primus knows our hideout and our weaknesses. This could be a mess. I tried to call him on his cell phone, but he blocked my number. Try yours.

Pero: I don't own a cell phone.

Pillz: Why not? Everyone else has one.

Pero: The fact that most people out there today never leave their house without their cellphone attached to ear is one more sign that we are becoming to dependent on technology. I will not allow myself become a slave to electronic convenience. That, and I can't afford one.

Pillz nodded.

Pillz: Let's just hope he comes to his senses.

Meanwhile, at the Duplex on 23rd.

The Fucktastic Four had looked at Pero with shock. Before any of them could ask him what he was doing there, Primus explained that he left The Power Pack to join up with them.

Radioactive Dude: Come on in, son. We'll palaver.

Dealy Llama: Hold the fucking phone! When one of my enemies comes walking through my door, I don't shake the fucker's hand and welcome in.

Evil Gnome: I think we should listen to what he has to say.

Dealy Llama: That's exactly what he wants to do to us! He's obviously here to spy on us.

Primus was beginning to wonder if he made the right decision. He could no longer stand Pillz' attitude, but this Llama guy's attitude was even worse. But, he's already made it this far, no turning back now.

Primus: I'm not here to spy. I have left the Power Pack for good.

Radioactive Dude: Well, son, that's easy for you to say, but Llama here has a point. Last time we saw each you, you were fighting us. Now, you want to join us, clear out of the blue. I'm sorry, but we can't exactly trust you right from the get go.

Evil Gnome: Listen Primus, perhaps you should explain why left and came here.

Primus: I got tired of Pillz' crap and I left. I thought I would join up with you guys. Simple as that.

Radioactive Dude: Now, I don't doubt for one second that Pillz has gotten under your skin. He knows how to press a person's button. But that's when you man up and show him that you can take his criticism and better yourself.

Primus: I didn't come here for a lecture.

Dealy Llama laughed.

Dealy Llama: I know what this boy's real problem is. He's got a problem with authority. Now, how do you expect to be a part of a team if you can't take orders.

Primus gave Llama a serious look.

Primus: I'd be the one in charge.

The other four looked at each other and laughed.

Primus: Fuck this! I don't need you guys. I can go solo. You guys need me more than I need you.

Primus began to walk out the door.

Radioactive Dude: Now hold your horses son. We didn't mean to insult you. It just struck us as funny that you'd be walking in here and placing yourself in charge.

Primus: I got info on the Power Pack. Info you need.

Dealy Llama: Enough of this! Listen here Pumice, you can give us all the "information" you want, still ain't going to make me trust you. Not until I put you through a test.

Llama honked his nose.

The Mrs. turned into a polygraph machine.

Radioactive Dude: Now, what is that contraption?

Dealy Llama: It's a lie detector. Let's strap this jerk up and see if he'll pass.

Primus: Fine, whatever it takes.

Evil Gnome: I hate to intrude on this, but given what I've come to understand about his powers, they may help him pass a lie detector test. Besides, just because she looks like a lie detector, doesn't mean she is one.

Llama honked his nose and the Mrs. returned to her original form.

Dealy Llama: He's right. It was just a test to see if he would agree. But those damn powers of his.

Llama shaked his fist at Primus. So did the Mrs.

Radioactive Dude: Listen son, if we can come up with a test for you to prove your trust, will you do it, no questions asked?

Primus: Yes.

Llama smiled.

Dealy Llama: I got just the thing.

He honked his nose.

Back at Pillz' place.

Pillz: My cell is vibrating. I'm getting a message.

Pillz looked at his phone.

Pillz: It's from Primus. It's a video.

Pillz played the video and held it out for Pero to look too. The video contained Primus standing in a room with his pants down. He was receiving oral pleasure from someone that looked exactly like Pillz.

Pero: Great, now I owe him 20 bucks.

Pillz ignored this and skipped through the video, that's all there was.

Pero: You two didn't have to hide it from me. Yeah, it would have been awkward at first, but I would have gotten used to it.

Pillz: That wasn't me. It was probably Llama's Mrs. I just don't know what he's trying to do. He's either trying to insult me or he's going to try to blackmail me.

Pero: Maybe he did it to gain their trust.

Pillz: I don't see how, but, knowing them and knowing you, that's probably the reason.

Back at the Duplex.

Primus: Don't put that on the Internet!

Dealy Llama: Why not? You have to admit, she did a great job.

Primus: Yes she did, but everyone who sees that will think I'm gay.

Evil Gnome: Then we'll put my face over yours.

Radioactive Dude: There's no need to put that video on the net. Primus has proved himself. Welcome to the team.

Primus: Thank you.

Dealy Llama: So, I guess we are the Fucktastic Five now. You better spill your guts Primo, cause those two may think you're ok, but I trust you about as much as I trust a librarian in a video store.

Primus: I don't know what that's supposed to mean.

Radioactive Dude: I don't believe any of us do. But no matter. We have plans for tomorrow. You will join us, and we'll see how far your loyalty, to us, is willing to go.

The Jaded Poet arrived at The Agency headquarters.

Lichton was there to greet him.

Lichton: Welcome back Poet. We're going straight to the conference room. Travis and a few other agents are there and we're going to discuss our new plans in light of these new circumstances.

Jaded Poet: The apostate paladin has brought a most refreshing course to these affairs.

Lichton: Indeed.

They made their way to the conference room. When Lichton had left it to greet Poet, everybody in the room was talking to each other. Now, they were silent.

Lichton: What's the matter?

Travis: The boss called. He's on his way over. He wants to be part of the meeting.

Lichton: The Emperor is coming here?

Travis: He'll be here in 15 minutes.

Lichton began to worry. He turned to Poet.

Lichton: This is not good.

Jaded Poet had listened to the exchange, not feeling the same sense of dread everyone else felt. The Poet had yet to encounter "The Emperor".

Jaded Poet: Who is this Agency sovereign that has filled you all with such consternation?

Lichton sighed.

Lichton: It's not that we fear him, it's just that we really don't like him. The Agency was started by a great man. When he died ten years ago, he left his son in charge of all of this. The Council pretty much runs things, like it always has, but whenever the son wants in on something, we can't say no, because he is the de facto leader. And he's a little brat and he insists we call him Emperor.

Jaded Poet: Charming.

Lichton: If you'll excuse me, I have an announcement to make.

Lichton walked over to the phone that was mounted on the wall. He dialed out to the intercom. His voice was heard all over the Agency Headquarters.

Lichton: Attention Agency Employees. This is Agent Lichton. The Emperor will be here in less than 15 minutes. Remember the protocol for dealing with him. Do not look him directly in the eyes, especially if you are female. If he talks to you, asks you questions, give him short and direct answers, especially if you are female. If you see him coming in your direction, pretend that you are hard at work and too busy to engage in a conversation. Especially if you are female. Thank you.

Lichton looked over the people in the Conference Room.

Lichton: Did he say why he wanted to be here?

Travis: He has taken an interest in the Power Pack.

Lichton shook his head.

Lichton: This is not going to be good.

Pillz and Pero arrived at Pero's house.

Pillz: Who's car is that in the drive?

Pero: My mom's.

Pillz: I thought you said she wouldn't be home.

Pero: She home now.

Pillz: Ok then. Will she mind me being here?

Pero: I'll just tell her you're my imaginary friend.

Pillz: But, she'll be able to see me.

Pero: That's what she calls all the guys she brings home with her.

Pillz: I just hope she's as interesting as you.

Pillz and Pero entered the house.

Pero's mom was standing in the living room. She was 35, tall, blonde, and beautiful. She could have been a model. Pillz mouth dropped. She was the opposite of what he was expecting.

Pero's Mom: Hello Pero. I see you've brought a friend. Make yourself at home. Can I get you boys something to drink?

Pero: Bring me a coke mom. This is Pillz, by the way.

Pero's mom walked over and shook Pillz' hand.

Pero's Mom: It's so nice to meet one of Pero's friends. He hardly brings them over.

Pillz: It's finally nice to meet you, Mam. Pero talks about you quite a bit.

Pero's Mom: Nothing too bad I hope.

Pillz: Not at all.

Pero's mom brought them a couple of cokes. They went into Pero's room.

Pillz: Your mother is very nice. Not what I pictured when you spoke about her.

Pero: She's my step-mother.

Pillz: I don't remember you telling me your parents were divorced.

Pero: They're not.

Pillz tried his best to comprehend what he had just encountered, but decided it was mystery best left unsolved. Besides, he had a bigger problem.

Pillz: Okay, we need to figure out our next step.

Pero: What about getting some new people to join our team?

Pillz: That's a good idea. If we knew any other people with superpowers.

Pero: I do.

Pillz: From where?

Pero: The ASMB.

Pillz: The ASMB?

Pero: Yes. The Awesome Superpowers Message Board.

Pillz: I have never heard of that.

Pero: It's a good place. I'll tell them we are having tryouts for the team. They can come here. We'll set it up for tomorrow. How does that sound?

Pillz: This could work. Here, I'll make out a list of requirements.

They got to work. An hour later, the bulletin was posted.

Back at The Agency...

The intercom in the Conference Room buzzed. Lichton answered it. The voice on the other end told him that the Emperor had arrived.

Lichton: Here we go. Brace yourselves.

Jaded Poet: Does this Sultan of Exasperation have an appellation?

Lichton: Zeni. We call him Emperor Zeni.

Emperor Zeni stepped into The Agency.

He immediately began to scan the room for girls. He saw one. Sitting at her desk. She glanced up at him, only for a second.

That's all he needed to know that she was interested.

He made is way over to her.

Emperor Zeni: Hey there. I couldn't help but notice you were checking me out. Can't blame you. If I were a woman, I'd check me out too. Look at this.

Zeni began to flex his right arm.

Emperor Zeni: See that? That's all me. I don't take drugs for that. That's hard work. Would you like to go out some time? Don't think that you have to because I'm your boss. I know you like me. I can see it in your eyes. What's your number?

Lichton entered the room.

Lichton: Emperor Zeni! We are anxiously awaiting your arrival down in the conference room.

Emperor Zeni: I'll talk to you later babe.

Lichton: Right this way sir.

Lichton led Zeni over to the elevator. Zeni looked back at the girl and made the phone gesture with his hand. He winked at her.

They got into the elevator.

Emperor Zeni: I think she likes me. But she didn't talk to me. She just wanted me. I could see it in her eyes. So it's probably going to be a one night stand kind of a thing. That's fine with me. I'd like to have a real relationship though, know what I mean? Not one of these cheap sluts that just wants a guy for his body. You married?

Lichton: Yes I am sir. You came to my wedding. It was last year. You got drunk and chokeslammed my mother-in-law.

Emperor Zeni: Oh yeah. Sorry about that.

Lichton: No apology neccassary.

The elevator stopped.

Before they entered the conference room, Zeni stopped in his tracks.

Emperor Zeni: Hold on a second, I have to get ready for this.

Zeni began to run back and forth across the hallway. He then jumped to ground and began to do push-ups.

Emperor Zeni: Come on! Come on! Ten more! Ten more!

He jumped back up and slapped himself across the face.

Emperor Zeni: Let's do this.

Lichton: It's just a meeting sir. There's really no need to get worked up like that.

Emperor Zeni: It's how I do it. It's my killer instinct. That's what I do before I enter any room. I step in there, and people see me. They no better than to mess.

Lichton: Ok then. Let's go inside.

Zeni scanned the room for some girls. He saw none and let out a sigh. He then laid his eyes on Jaded Poet. He walked over to him.

Emperor Zeni: So, you're the badass I've been hearing about. You don't look so tough to me.

Zeni started to box the air around Poet. Poet stood still.

Emperor Zeni: If this had been the real thing, you'd be out before you could say "Roses are red".
You know, I'm actually a bit of a poet myself. I'm a rapper.

Jaded Poet: That's excellent sir.

Emperor Zeni: Let's get to business. The Power Pack. We are trying to kill them, right?

Lichton: Well, we were monitoring them and taking notes to see if they are threat. But as it stands right now, they are becoming less of a threat.

Emperor Zeni: How so?

Lichton: There are only two of them now. Pillz and Pero. Primus defected to the team we created to fight with them.

Emperor Zeni: Well hell, that makes it easier for us to get rid of The Power Pack. I'll do it myself. Superman and Green Lantern ain't got nothing on me.

Lichton: Well, technically, Pero is the Incredible...

Emperor Zeni cut him off.

Emperor Zeni: I don't care if he is technically Mighty Mouse. Watch this.

Zeni picked up one of the empty chairs and hurled it across the room. He then jumped on the conference table and did a back flip.

Emperor Zeni: Wha do you think of that?

Lichton: Very impressive sir.

Emperor Zeni: God damn right. The Power Pack would shit themselves if they saw that action.

Lichton: Well, our concern right now is not with the Power Pack. It's with the team we have created. We do not have control over them.

Jaded Poet: There is another quandry that has presented itself. Our two remaining members of the Power Pack might be looking to fill the void left by their former comrade.

Emperor Zeni looked at Poet as if he had spoken a foreign language.

Lichton: That's a very good point. They would look for new members. I think it's a good idea to activate a sleeper agent.

Emperor Zeni: A sleeper agent? What are those? Do you mean we have agnets that are sleeping on the job?

Lichton: No. That's not what that I meant. It means we have agents in the field that don't do anything until we give them orders.

Emperor Zeni: Good. Because if I find out I have people working for me and all they do is sleep, I'll deal with them persoanlly.

Zeni did a karate kick.

Lichton: I want a list of our sleeper agents in an hour. Let's get to work on this people.

The Next Day.

Pillz and Pero stood in Pero's back yard.

Pillz: You know, we probably could have found a better place to hold these tryouts.

Pero: I called my friends. They wouldn't let us use their back yards.

Pillz: A back yard wasn't what I had in mind.

Pero: Too late now. This is where I told them to meet us.

Pillz: Are you sure all of the people who responded can show up here on such short notice?

Pero: I'm pretty sure. One of them is already here.

Pillz looked around and saw nobody. Then he felt a rush of air breeze pass him. He could make out an object blurring through the yard. It made zig-zag lines and then headed back towards Pillz.

Pillz held up his ringed hand and braced himself. The object stopped right in front of him. It was a young man wearing a skintight running suit. He held out his hand for Pillz to shake. Pillz shook it and the young man introduced himself as Raptor Pat. Pillz learned he talked as fast as he ran.

Raptor Pat: Raptor Pat's the name. Running's the game. I can run really fast. Of course you already saw that. I got here as quick as I could, nyuck nyuck. Anybody else here? Nope, I can already see that they are not. Figures I'd be the first one here. Ain't going to find nobody fatser than me. I'm quick to the point to the point no fakin'. Cooking these B's like a pound of bacon.

Pillz: Thank you for coming. A speedster. We could use one of you. What's your top speed recorded at?

Raptor Pat: Like any man-made instrument can record how fast I go. You want to know how fast I am? I left my house five minutes ago. And I live 3,ooo miles from here.

Pillz nodded, he was impressed.

Pillz: How well do you do in a fight?

Raptor Pat: I've taken on all sorts of criminal elements back in my town. Bank robbers, murders, rapists, paedophiles, car jackers, burglers, jay walkers, litterers, hookers, johns, pick-pockets, and the occassional peeping tom.

Pillz: Sounds like you have your town under control. Why do you want to join up with us?

Raptor Pat: I need to look at the big picture. Instead of just taking care of one town, I want to start taking care of the world. And this seems like the team to do it with.

Pillz: Good. Well, you just have to pass the obstacle course and you'll be a part of The Power Pack.

Raptor Pat looked around the yard.

Raptor Pat: Obstacle course? I don't see an obstacle course? All I see is is a kiddie pool, a swing set, a beaten down tree house, and a trampoline.

Pero: NOOOO!!!!

Pero began to change into PeroHulk.

PeroHulk: Pero no like trampoline! Pero no like fast man who talk fast! Pero smash!

PeroHulk lunged at RaptorPat.

Raptor Pat moved quicker than lightning. He was already ten feet behind PeroHulk before the big brute was able to get his foot down.

Raptor Pat: Over here, big boy.

PeroHulk turned to face him. Before he was even completely turned around, Raptor Pat had ran to the other end of the yard.

Raptor Pat: Too slow! You got to do better than that!

PeroHulk looked at the fast man. PeroHulk knew he couldn't catch him by chasing him. PeroHulk knew he had to slow him down.

PeroHulk ran towards the trampoline.

Raptor Pat watched him, amused. He loved going up against the big guys. They always thought that brute force would help the win the fight. His mind drifted back to the time he faced the Slaughterhouse 5. They were five really big butchers who were kidnapping out-of-towners and using them for cuts of meat. He started to chuckle when he remembered how he found out, that bologne sandwhich did have a...Raptor Pat's mind snapped back to the present. Just in time to see a trampoline hurling towards him.

Pillz watched intently, as the battle unfolded. Raptor Pat was indeed fast. He had the right reflexes the teem needed. Then he saw his weakness.

After the speedster had ran to the other end of the yard, Pillz could make out that he started to lose focus on Pero. That mistake almost cost him his life. PeroHulk had picked up the trampoline and threw it at Raptor Pat, like a frisbee. Raptor Pat seemed to snap out of a daydream and was able to move out of the way in time.

PeroHulk growled as the fast man ran out of the way. The fast man was taunting him now. And the angrier PeroHulk gets, the stronger PeroHulk gets. PeroHulk ran towards a tree. He would bash in fast man's skull with it. PeroHulk wrapped his arms around the tree and began to uproot it. Then he heard his mom's voice.

Pero's Mom: Pero Michael Montgomery! What do you think you are doing?

PeroHulk: Me smash fast man!

Pero's Mom: Well, you can smash fast man with something else besides our oaks. Your grandfather planted those trees! Now, convert back to your regular self, you have another visitor.

A young woman came walking around the side of the house. She looked around the yard. A man in his late twenties was taking notes. He was wearing a god-awful ring. A big yellow thing was trying to stick a tree down in the yard. And a young kid was wearing a much too tight unitard.

She knew she was at the right place.

Raptor Pat recognized her immediately. He saw her picture posted up on the ASMB.

Raptor Pat: Burnsy! It's me, Raptor Pat. I'm so glad you could make it. I knew you'd come. I've been wanting to team up with you for a while now.

Burnsy: I bet you have.

Raptor Pat ran over to Pillz.

Raptor Pat: You're going to love her. She's hot in more ways than one. She can make fire and control it. Show them, Burnsy, show them what you got.

Burnsy strated to move her hands in front of her. It looked like she was trying to turn an invisible ball between her hands. Moments later, an tiny ball of fire began to grow between her moving hand. The fire grew bigger. It became the size of a bowling ball when she stopped. She held out her right hand, the ball of fire floating above it.

She looked over at Pero, who had returned to his human form. The tree he had uprooted now laid flat on the ground.

Burnsy: Honey, you may want to get away from that tree.

Pero ran away. Burnsy shot the fireball from her hand. It struck the tree. Burnsy then used her power to make the fire spread out all over the tree. She let it burn for a few seconds, then made the fire die out.

Pillz: Impressive. A pyrokinetic would be a great addition to the team.

Raptor Pat: So, we are part of the team? We are now Power Pack members?

Pillz: Nothing is official yet. We still have other potential members to evaluate. I would love to bring you all on, but we need this to be a tight group.

Pero: This is it.

Pillz: What do you mean, "this is it"?

Pero: These are the only two people that said they'd come.

Pillz: Only two people? Why didn't you tell me this before? When I asked you how many people responded, you said a bunch. Two people is not a bunch.

Pero: A bunch of people did responded! They responded with "You're dumb Pero", "No one's going to join your stupid team, Pero", and "Is your mom home yet, Pero?".

Pillz did a facepalm.

Pillz motioned everybody to join around him. They gathered on the back porch. Pillz had the three of them line up before him.

Pillz: Fine. We are the new Power Pack. Pillz, Pero, Raptor Pat, and Burnsy.

Pero: I don't like it.

Pillz: Like what?

Pero: The names. I still think one of the requirements should have been "your name must start with a P".

Pillz: We can't be choosey like that. Besides, if we had done that, then nobody would have shown up.

Pero pointed past Pillz.

Pero: He still would have.

Pillz turned around. He saw a strange sight before him.

A man was walking towards them. The first thing Pillz noticed, was the fact that the man was wearing silver face paint with evry single hair on his head dyed red. He wore a suit that looked like it belonged on a minstrel act performer. In one hand, he held a hunting knife. In the other, he held a bird cage containing a parakeet.

Raptor Pat and Burnsy looked at each other. They both said the same thing.

"JeNewBee".

Pillz: How can we help you?

The man licked his finger and held it up into the air. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

He then began to speak, in such a manner that was almost cryptic in the way he delivered each sentence. One calm, the next exciteable. It was rollerdeck of emotions.

JenewBee: The wind is blowing east. I came from the west! The wind cannot stop me, what chance do criminals have?

Pillz: Are you here to tryout for the team?

Raptor Pat: Don't bother with this guy, Pillz. He's a poser. He just wishes he had superpowers.

JeNewBee looked upset. He began to scream at RaptorPat.

JeNewBee: I DO TOO HAVE SUPERPOWERS! Why don't you believe me? I can prove I do! Watch me.

JeNewBee took two steps back from them and started waving his hands in the air. He began to chant.

JeNewBee: I have me seeing towards the skies! It looks like rain but the weather lies. Grass is covered over the ground. My tongue wants to taste a beautiful sound!

He stopped. He looked at the group and raised his eyebrows.

Pillz: I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it.

JeNewBee: How was that?

Raptor Pat: You didn't do anything.

JeNewBee: Didn't I?

JeNewBee put his hands up to his head.

Pero: You do not look like Tom Cruise.

They all looked at Pero.

Burnsy: I think it's fairly obvious he does not look like Tom Cruise.

Pero: He just said he did.

Burnsy: He didn't say anything at all.

JeNewBee walked over to Pero and slapped him across the face.

Pero transformed in PeroHulk, but didn't attack. He just stood there, looking stunned.

Pillz: What did you do to him?

PeroHulk: I'm still me.

Pillz couldn't believe it. Pero managed to keep his whole consciousness when he transformed.

JeNewBee: Whenever I do my magic, I connect with the person I'm thinking about. They can hear my thoughts and I can can manipulate their powers.

Pillz: How long will he stay like that?

JeNewBee: It's random. Could be a minute or the rest of his life.

Burnsy: Wait a second. Your thoughts enter their head and you can control them.

JeNewBee: I can just make changes with their powers. If I'm thinking good thought, it's a good change. If it's a bad thought, then the change is bad! I'd like to try it out on you. I love you on ASMB. I think you and I would make a great pair.

Burnsy: I don't think so. You better not try that little trick of yours on me. And before you even ask, I did not bring nude photos with me.

JeNewBee: Bitch.

Pillz: Children, please. So, JeNewBee, do you have to do that little song and dance there every time?

JeNewBee: As far as I know, yes.

Raptor Pat: What in the hell is the knife and the bird for?

JeNewBee: The knife is for protection.

Raptor Pat: And the bird?

JeNewBee: His name is Justin. He's my back up. He'll tear out your eye!

Pillz: Can you do anything else besides your little trick.

JeNewBee: I'm the master and creator of the Sexy JeNewBee Sexy Style of fighting!

Burnsy: I sure as hell want no part of that.

JeNewBee: You're mean. But I still like you. No one else does, I bet!

Burnsy: Plenty of people like me. The same can't be said about you though.

JeNewBee: I'm not going to talk to you anymore! Which one of you is Pillz?

Pillz: That's me.

JeNewBee: I can be part of this team. I'm good! You can being have the authority to make the way to me being with the team that you lead?

Pillz:You're an odd person, but your powers can be very useful. Welcome to the team.

Raptor Pat and Burnsy gave each other of look disgust.

Pillz: Okay. Five of us, five of them. We are settled. Our first plan of action is to find a new headquarters. There, we'll go over the Fucktastic Four's, well Five's, powers and we'll come up with a strategy on how to defeat them.

By this point, Pero had turned back into normal and went inside to get a fresh pair of clothes. On his way out, while he was ignoring his mother's complaints of always having to buy him new clothes, he heard the news anchor on tv annouce breaking news.

Pero went to the TV and found out his old friend and his new teammates were holding a mall full of people hostage.

Pero ran outside.

Pero: We've got a problem!

Pillz: What is it?

Pero: On the TV. It's the Fucktastic Five.

The group ran inside.

Pillz watched the TV.

The cameras caught sight of a man walking out of the mall. Surrounding him were 4 lawn gnomes, strapped with explosives.

The man yelled out something to the cops. One of the police officers walked over to the news crew and brought the reporter and the cameraman up to the hostage. The reporter handed handed him the microphone.

Hostage: This is addressed to The Power Pack. If you two do not show up here in the next half hour, we, the Fucktastic Five, will start doing terrilbe things to the hostages. We'll prove it too.

The lawn gnomes exploded, killing the hostage and the news crew.

As the camera cut out and went to static, Pillz grit his teeth.

Pillz: I never expected them to go this far.

Raptor Pat: We have to stop them. They are just expecting you two, they won't be expecting five of us!

Pillz: But when they do see the five of us, they may go ahead and kill everybody just to spite us. I can't have that.

Burnsy: What are we going to do?

Pillz though it over. He looked at the clock. 30 minutes they said. Not enough time to form a strategy.

Pero: What if the two of us go, lure them out for a fight, then these three join in when they are least expecting it?

Pillz looked at Pero with respect in his eyes.

Pillz: Sometimes I love you.

Pero: I told you I'm not gay.

Pillz: I know. Ok. Pero and I will go in my car to the mall. You three follow behind us. We will engage them. Do not attack until we know that no hostage or innocent bystander will get hurt, got it?

They all nodded.

Pillz: Okay, I'll give you a quick detail of their powers, so you'll know what to expect.

Pillz explained the FF's powers. 5 minutes later, they were in their cars, headed for the mall.

At The Agency.

Lichton was talking on his cell phone to Jaded Poet.

Lichton: Good work. I'll be wating for your next report.

He hung up. Lichton looked arund his office. It was a nice one, cozy, he liked everything he saw in it.

Except the person sitting in his chair behind his desk. And for some reason, that person was still talking.

Emperor Zeni: ...and that's why I failed college. I swear that professor was hitting on me though. She was always making me demonstarte the problems at the chalkboard, just so she could check out my ass. Does that answer you question?

Lichton sighed. The only reason that Zeni was there, was because Zeni insisted on being a part of all of the decisoions dealing with the Power Pack.

Lichton: Yes. That explains in much detail on how you've been.

EmperorZeni: Good. So what's the deal with this mall thing?

Lichton: The Power Pack has 20 minutes to show up at the Mall. We'll see if it's just the two of them or if the have more members.

Lichton's cell phone began to buzz. He looked at it.

Lichton: Wait a second, I'm getting a text message from our sleeper agent.

Success. I have infriltrated PP. 2 new mmbrs bsides me. g2 mall. Will rprt back ltr.

Emperor Zeni: Well, what is it?

Lichton smiled.

Lichton: Our operation is ago.

TO BE CONTINUED

Abortion-Mobile Adventures.

2009-03-16T13:18:00.000-04:00

Gweg woke up and wandered into the front room of the apartment.

The only light in the room was emanating from the digital clock. Gweg looked, it was 5:30 in the morning.

The lamp next to the couch suddenly came on, Gweg ducked his head and brought his hands to his eyes.

Gweg: Ow! What the hell?

Satyr was sitting on the couch. He removed his hand from the lamp and picked up a notebook that was sitting next to it. He held it up for Gweg to see.

Gweg: What's that?

Satyr: Today's itinerary.

Gweg: Is this about your Abortion-Mobile? I'm not going to have any part in that. It's caused enough trouble already.

Satyr: That's what I need to talk to you about. You see, Gweg, I've been going over our history together and I've come to a conclusion: You're bad luck.

Gweg started to object.

Satyr: Let me finish. Every time I come up with an idea, you always mess it up. And, it's almost always intentional. The sad fact is, you don't have what it takes to be my partner on my projects. You never have. Don't get me wrong, you're a great roommate and I like you, we just can't hang out outside this apartment anymore.

Gweg didn't know what to say. Was Satyr really not going to drag him into his crazy schemes anymore? Was he finally free?

Satyr: I can see you're stunned. It's ok. I'm not saying I'm going to stop being your friend, I'm just saying, "stay the fuck out of my way".

Gweg: You got it. You know what this is? This is like handing me a "Get Out Of Jail Free" card. The fact that you are no longer going to take me down with you just made my day. A terrible burden has just been lifted from my shoulders.

Satyr: Oh, I'm so glad I've released you from your prison, Gweg. Need I remind you, that your life would be a void of excitement, a boring existence of anything that is fun and dangerous?

Gweg: If I want fun, I'll play a video game. If I want excitement, I'll go on a roller-coaster. Your idea of those things is the very definition of insanity and madness.

Satyr: Fine. You live the mundane life if you please, I'll be living the life of a god. Except, I'm not going to "passover" anybody. Today is going to be a busy and important day.

Satyr held up his notebook to emphasize his point.

Gweg: Fine. I'm not going to get in your way. You go on and plague society with your existence, I'll be getting on with my life.

Gweg went back into his room. Satyr smiled and opened up his notebook.

He crossed out the first line.

An hour and a half later, Satyr drove to his auto body repair shop. His security guard, Michell, was already waiting for him there.

Satyr: We ready to go?

Mitchell: Yes sir.

Satyr: Good. We'll go straight to the park, the camera crew is already set up.

Mitchell: Are you sure filming this commercial in the park is a good idea?

Satyr put his arm around Mitchell's shoulder.

Satyr: Mitch, what did I hire you do?

Mitchell: To provide security for you and your "vehicle".

Satyr: That's right. Now, what part of that does questioning me fall under?

Mitchell: I'm just concerned that the area might not be secure.

Satyr: That's why I got you. I hired you because you were the best, I'll even let that little mishap, the one where that cop got the best of you, slide.

Mitchell: Yes sir.

Satyr: Good. You took it for a drive last night, right? I need to make sure you can handle this beauty.

Mitchell: I'm good to go.

Satyr: Let's head to the park.

Satyr and Mitchell got into the Abortion-Mobile And took off.

Gweg woke back up. He went into the front room, only to find it empty. Satyr had headed out.

Gweg picked up the phone.

Gweg: Hello Sara, it's me.

Sara: Hi Gweg.

Gweg: Satyr is going to be out all day if you want to come over.

Sara: Yeah. I need to be with someone. I'll be over in half an hour.

Gweg hung up. Despite himself, he found that he was incredibly attracted to Sara. The very thought that she was once with Satyr, let alone had his child, caused a shiver to go down his spine.

But, Gweg was willing to look past all of that. She was young and Satyr does have a certain way of talking people into doing things. Gweg knew that all too well.

Gweg got dressed and waited for Sara to arrive.

Satyr and Mitchell arrived at the park.

There was a film crew set up. One of the crewmen motioned Mitchell do drive the Abortion-Mobile onto the grass.

Satyr: Go ahead, I rented the park for this morning.

Mitchell: You rented the park?

Satyr: I just said that, didn't I? Were doing the commercial here, live.

Mitchell: A live commercial, you didn't tell me about this.

Satyr: Do we have to have another talk about your role here? I don't have to clear everything with you. Just shut up and do what I tell you.

Mitchell parked the Abortion-Mobile on the grass. They both got out.

Satyr: Mitch, you keep your eyes out, I don't want anyone interrupting this.

Satyr looked over at the crewmen and shouted.

Satyr: Where's Vince?

Vince raised up his hand.

Mitchell: Is that who I think it is?

Satyr: Yes, it's the Sham-Wow Guy.

Vince walked over to Satyr and shook his hand.

Vince: So, are we ready to do this or what? I got to catch a flight back to New York.

Satyr: I'm ready. Are you?

Vince: Who do you think you're talking to here? I do this stuff in my sleep. I got your script, memorized it and made a couple changes.

Satyr got right up into Vince's face.

Satyr: Listen here, you pointy-haired, schizoid, Willem Defoe looking motherfucker. This is my show, I call the shots, I make the necessary changes. Not you. Just because you wear some gay ass headset, it doesn't mean you've managed to sprout a sense of authority. Now here's some infomercial you might understand, I've got Billy Mays on standby. That's right. And I'll bring him down here so fast, you'll think Lord Xenu beamed him down here himself. You following me, Sham-Wow guy? I have had all I can take from people's mouths today, so the next time you give me lip, you'll be loving my nuts. Got it?

Vince: Ok, I have my way of doing things, you got yours. We'll do it your way.

Satyr: Glad to hear it.

Satyr walked away from Vince and went up to the camera crew.

Satyr: You guys set up? We do this in half an hour.

They nodded. Satyr was directing and producing this commercial. In 30 minutes, the world will be introduced to The Abortion-Mobile.

Sara arrived at Gweg's.

Sara: Thanks for having me over, Gweg.

Gweg: It's my pleasure.

Sara: The last time I was here...

She trailed off.

Gweg hugged her and led her over to the couch.

Gweg: It's ok. Let it out if you have to.

Sara held it back.

Sara: I'm sorry. I've done enough crying the past two days.

Gweg: You lost your daughter, is there such a thing as enough crying?

Sara: I guess you're right. So, he's not going to be back soon, is he.

Gweg: No. He's got his whole day planned out. He's taking his little project to the streets today. He's cut me off from all of his plans, thank God.

Sara: I'm surprised you ever went along with him before. You two seem like polar opposites.

Gweg thought hard about his response.

Gweg: I don't know. I never had any real friends. No one ever wanted to hang out with me. And with Satyr, he treated me like he had known me his whole life. Like, the very fact that he had met me, it automatically meant that I was his buddy. So, I stuck around. And the stuff he did, yes, I hated it, but I wasn't confident enough to stop him. I should have. He needs to be stopped.

Sara: I know what you mean. He has a way of making you feel real special, or real small, depending on what his mood is.

Gweg: Yeah. So, what do you want to do today?

Sara: I want to take my mind off things. Let's watch some TV.

Gweg turned on the TV. Satyr's DVR was recording something.

Gweg: What is this? That looks like the park.

Sara: That's the Sham-Wow guy.

Gweg turned up the volume.

Vince on the TV:
Hey, Vince here, live from Frank Mackey Memorial Park. I know what you're thinking, "What am I doing here in a park?". Well I'm here to show you something that's not only going to revolutionize your life, but it's going to change the whole world. What could that be, right? Well, walk with me over here and I'll show you what it is. No, your eyes are not deceiving you here. You are looking at the world's first portable abortion clinic, The Abortion-Mobile. Yes, it's so portable and convenient, you'll wonder why it took this long to create it.

Vince opened up that back.

Vince:
Let's take a tour. Look at this. This is stainless steal. It's always clean. The whole Abortion-Mobile is like this. You're not going to find this in your run-of-the-mill abortion clinics, you know. You go there, there's always dirt and grime, you'd just as soon go home and grab yourself a coat hanger. Listen, The Abortion-Mobile eliminates all of that. Look at this bed. This is where it's done.

Vince hops on the bed.

Vince:
See, this is comfortable. You could fall asleep on this thing. Makes me wish I was a woman so I could get an abortion here. You are not going to get this level of comfort anywhere else. So what's going to stop you, huh? If you got that unwanted up and coming visitor and you want to make sure they don't get to their scheduled destination, then hop aboard the Abortion-Mobile. You'll be staying right where you are while your unwelcome friend gets a ride somewhere else.

Vince got out of the Abortion-Mobile and walked next to it's side.

Vince:
That's right. You don't come to the Abortion-Mobile, it comes to you. You're busy, I'm busy, the whole world's busy. You don't have the time or the money for a kid. So, who are you going to call. Not the Ghostbusters, that fetus ain't a ghost, yet. You need to call the Baby Busters. You call them, they come to you. Or flag them over as they are out cruising the streets. The only way you're going to get an easier abortion is if you fall down a flight of stairs.
The Abortion-Mobile. You hump and we dump. You bring it in, we'll take it out. We'll pluck it and chuck it. We'll stick it and flick it. We'll stab it and nab it. What do you got to lose, besides your baby? The experience you'll get here will be so enjoyable, you'll run out and get pregnant again, just so you can enjoy the experience all over again. The Abortion-Mobile. No fetus can beat us, so what are you waiting for, call this number now!

A phone number flashed on the screen.

Gweg gripped the armrest on the couch.

Sara: Oh my god.

Gweg: He's gone to far with this.

Sara: You should stop him.

Gweg: What?

Sara: We should both do it. What he's doing is...well, it's just wrong. We need to go out there and convince him to give this up.

Gweg: You know that'll never happen. We have to find other people to convince him this is a bad idea. You want to go for a drive?

Sara: You really want to do this?

Gweg: Yes. You're right. I've let him get away with far too much. Today, I change that.

Sara: Let's go.

Sara and Gweg got into her car and headed towards the park.

After the commercial was over, the camera crew packed up and left. Dr. Wicklund and his nurse arrived soon after that.

Dr. Wicklund: I saw the commercial! Brilliant! That guy knows how to sell a product, I'll tell you that. Even though this baby practically sells itself.

Satyr: I'm just glad to have you along, Doc. Shall we begin.

Dr. Wicklund: Yes, let's go find our first patient to christen this beauty.

They all boarded the Abortion-Mobile. Mitchell and Satyr climbed into the cab. Mitchell drove.

Satyr: I'm going to load our route into the GPS here. You go ahead and take us out. And turn on the music.

Mitchell flipped a switch. A speaker that sat on top of the cab started blaring "Rock-A-Bye Baby."

Satyr: Phone's on and we're good to go. I feel real good about this, don't you? Don't answer that. I know what your feelings are on this, but I'm glad you put them aside. You'll eventually see that I'm doing humanity a favor with this. Think about all of those teenage girls that are unfit to raise a family. And don't give me that adoption crap. These girl are too stubborn to go for that. They think they can handle the kid themselves. It's a fad. These girls see one of their friends get pregnant, and they think, "I got to get in on that. That bitch ain't going to one up me." Look at that stupid whore that had the octuplets. She's the epitome of what I'm talking about. This, the Abortion-Mobile, is going to be the cure for all that. All it takes is one girl to get an abortion in this thing, and then the other lemmings will follow her over the cliff.

Mitchell: You have a point there sir. I still have my reservations.

Satyr: Reservations are for Indians and people with dinner plans. Just go with the flow here. You. Are. Going. To. Be. Rich.

Mitchell: Yes sir.

They drove around a few blocks. Satyr then found what he was looking for.

Satyr: There, on your left, some one's flagging us down!

Satyr opened the door behind them.

Satyr: Yo Wicklund! Heads up! We got a customer.

Mitchell parked the Abortion-Mobile. Satyr got out and greeted the girl.

Satyr: Hello miss. My name Virtue L. Satyr. You may call me Satyr. You don't have to tell me your name, in fact, I insist that you don't. So, you are here to partake in our services, yes?

The girl nodded.

Satyr: Good. Follow me to the back here and we'll get you prepped up.

Satyr opened the back of the truck. He lowered down the stairs and walked the girl up into the back.

Satyr: I got a couple of forms for you to fill here. Just records we need to keep. Since you are our first customer, you'll get half off. Where it says name, you can just put down anything.

The girl took the form and filled it out.

Satyr: Ok, KillerDevdasi, let's get that little rascal out of there.

The operation was a total success. KillerDevdasi thanked them and walked back into her house.

Satyr: That went off without a hitch. It's a good sign. And Doc. You genius. Putting this cold storage unit in here for the fetuses. Or is it feti?

Dr. Wicklund: Either way is fine my friend. Yes, we'll have no problem selling them off to science labs. Stem cell research is back with a bang after all.

Satyr held up the freshly plucked fetus and kissed it.

Satyr: You are the new cash cow. Trust me, you are going to do more here than you ever would had you actually been born.

He threw it into the storage unit.

Satyr: Let's go get some more.

The Abortion-Mobile took off.

The occupants didn't know they were being followed by two people in a car.

Gweg: Well, he got his first customer.

Sara: Unbelievable.

Gweg: It was to be expected. Some of these girls today can't handle responsibility. And here comes Satyr with his quick solution. As long as these girls have someone to bail them out whenever they get into trouble, nothing is going to stop them from doing it again.

Sara: How many people have you got together now?

Gweg: The last woman I talked to said she could get 5 people to join her. That makes around 23.

Sara: Good. When are they going to strike?

Gweg: Let's give them another hour to get fully organized. I've got my cell phone GPS tracker on so they can find us.

Sara: Hopefully he doesn't get anymore customers.

Well, much to their chagrin, Satyr managed to pick up 5 more customers within that hour.

Mitchell: I still don't think you should have charged that woman double for for her twins.

Satyr: Sorry, I don't run 2 for the price of 1 deals. Heh. Five women all within a 2 mile block. We must be in the whore section of town. I need to mark this on the map.

Mitchell: For future customers?

Satyr: Yeah, that too. Sweet, another customer. Park in her driveway.

Mitchell parked the Abortion-Mobile into the girl's driveway. Satyr stepped out and greeted her.

Satyr: Hello miss. And welcome to the Abortion-Mobile! Is this your first abortion?

Girl: Nope. I get one twice a year.

Satyr: Excellent. Fill out this form. No need to put your real name. After you're finished, hand the form back to me and I'll stamp you as a valued customer.

The girl filled out the form and gave it back to Satyr.

Satyr: Let's see, Miss Fugg Less? Well, if you did that, you probably wouldn't be here right now, would you?

Fuggless: What you mean?

Satyr: Nothing. You're in your first trimester I see. We'll charge you 400 Dollars.

Fuggless handed Satyr the money.

Satyr: Follow me dear, let's get that little bastard out of there.

Fuggless was laid out on the table. Dr. Wicklund's nurse spread her legs and prepped her for the surgery.

Satyr couldn't stop looking.

Fuggless: What you looking at? Ain't never seen one of those before?

Satyr: I'm just waiting for Batman to pop out there.

Fuggless: Let's get this over with. My 3 o'clock boyfriend is coming over.

Dr. Wicklund moved in to make the procedure.

Mitchell yelled back from the cab.

Mitchell: Boss! Hold up! We got company.

Satyr: Wait a minute.

Satyr made his way up to the cab.

Satyr: What is it?

Mitchell pointed outside.

Satyr saw five cars parking along the street. People poured out of the cars, each holding a sign.

Satyr: What's this shit?

Mitchell: Protesters.

The protesters gathered around the Abortion-Mobile. They started to chant.

Protesters: KILLING BABIES IS A CRIME TO GOD! THE ABORTION-MOBILE MUST BE STOPPED!

Satyr: That doesn't even rhyme!

Mitchell: What should I do sir?

Satyr: We have to get out of here. Run them over if you have to!

Mitchell: Most of them are women.

Satyr: So. If they're pregnant and we make them miscarry, we'll send them a bill.

Satyr laughed.

Mitchell started up the engine and backed out. He managed to hit a few of the protesters.

Three doors down from the house, Gweg and Sara were watching from her car.

Gweg: He just hit those women.

Sara: He ran over one. They're taking off!

Gweg: Follow them.

Sara started her car and drove after them.

Gweg yelled out the window at the protesters.

Gweg: Make sure everyone's ok! We're going after them.

Satyr: Good work. You're really earning your money now.

Mitchell: I feel sick.

Satyr patted him on the back and yelled through the door behind him.

Satyr: Don't worry. We'll find a secure location and do the abortion. As far as you go, Fugly, you're on your own getting back home.

Mitchell: We have a situation sir.

Satyr: What now?

Mitchell: We're being followed.

Satyr looked in his side mirror.

Satyr: Who the hell is that? I'm going to the back.

Satyr got up and headed to the back. He got to the back door and opened it.

Satyr: Son of a bitch. It's my ex! And Gweg's with her!

In the car, Gweg and Sara saw Satyr shake his fists at them.

Gweg: Be careful, he's going to try something.

Sara: Don't worry. I'm a good driver.

Satyr turned around and faced Dr. Wicklund.

Satyr: I need something to throw at them.

Dr. Wicklund: We don't have anything expendable. This is million dollars worth of equipment.

Satyr went over to the storage.

Dr. Wicklund: Not those! We need those to sell.

Satyr: I guess we'll have to work double time tomorrow.

Satyr grabbed a fetus.

Gweg: He's coming back to the door.

Sara: He's holding something in his hand.

Gweg: Yeah. He's going to throw it.

Satyr threw the object and it landed on the windshield.

Sara: OH MY GOD!

Gweg: That fucking bastard.

The fetus had stuck to the windshield and started to slide down. Sara automatically hit her wipers. It made a trail of blood and goo. She hit the mist and got some off it off.

Satyr: Damn it. I need a bigger one. Wicklund! Hand me that 6 month one!

Dr. Wicklund: No! This is reprehensible!

Satyr: What the fuck is the matter with all of you? We're in an Abortion-Mobile! This is not the place for you two to start sprouting ethics and morals!

Satyr went over to the storage and reached in, grabbing all of the fetuses.

Gweg: He's coming back. Oh shit!

Satyr launched another fetus. Sara swerved in time. Another fetus hit the hood. It bounced off and left a bloody imprint.
Sara got into the other lane. Satyr threw another one that got caught on the mirror on the passenger side. The flimsy fetus blew in the wind, bits and pieces flying off.

Gweg: I'm going to be sick.

Satyr tossed another one. It hit the windshield too. It was much bigger than the last one. Sara hit her windshield again. One of the blades got stuck under the fetus. Gweg could here a sickening squishy sound as blade tried to get free. The fetus' head rolled over.

Sara: It's looking at me!

Sara swerved back into the other lane. The two fetuses that were struck fell off.

Satyr had two left, he threw them at the same time. One of them hit the road. Sara ran over it. They both heard a popping sound as the tire went over it. The other one landed on the hood, sliding up towards the windsheild. Sara tried to swerve the car, but it wasn't moving.

The way the wind was hitting it made the illusion that it was alive. Sara screamed out in terror.

Satyr called back.

Satyr: I'm out! I need another one. Hurry up and give that bitch her abortion!

Dr. Wicklund: I'm not performing an abortion in a moving vehicle!

Satyr: Why not?

Dr. Wicklund: I could hurt her.

Satyr walked back to the table and gave Wicklund an angry look.

Satyr: "I could hurt her." Doc, who cares? She's just a walking sperm bank. She's not really a human.

Dr. Wicklund: I took the Hippocratic Oath.

Satyr rolled his eyes.

Satyr: Fine. Here girl, let me help you to your feet. At a girl. You paid in advance right?

Fuggless nodded.

Satyr good.

Satyr led her over to the door and pushed her out into the street.

Sara wasn't able to swerve in time. She saw Satyr bring the girl to the door and she wouldn't let herself to believe that Satyr was going to do it.

That mistake cost her.

She ran over Fuggless. The body got caught underneath the engine and caused the car to die.

Sara and Gweg ran out. Gweg got to his knees and looked under the car. What he saw made him wince, maybe even more so that the onslaught of fetuses.

Gweg: She's dead.

Sara: Are you sure?

Gweg looked at the girl's body under the engine, then over at the girl's head, which was by the rear tire.

Gweg: Yeah.

Sara: Fuck! I killed her. I killed her!

Gweg: No you didn't. Satyr did. Here, come over here and sit on the sidewalk. I'll call the police.

Satyr couldn't stop laughing.

Satyr: That showed them.

Dr. Wicklund: You just killed that poor girl.

Satyr: She was already dead on the inside.

Dr. Wicklund: How will you explain this to the police?

Satyr shrugged his shoulders.

Satyr: She fell.

Dr. Wicklund: I am no longer going to provide my services.

Satyr: What? You told me this was your dream come true!

Dr. Wicklund: It was. The abortion clinics these days are a mess. The women who go there are made to feel inferior. They are made to feel like they are doing something wrong. I stand by a woman's right to choose. This was going to be an opportunity to give women an experience that wasn't like going to a morgue.

Satyr looked at Wicklund, unimpressed.

Satyr: Wow, Doc, that's really inspirational. Let me tell you something. I made this to exploit the weakness of society so I could make money. I don't care about these women or their dead kids. You ever think that abortion clinics were that way to deter them from doing it again.? But, it doesn't work. Why? Because those women are retarded.

The Abortion-Mobile pulled to the side of the road and stopped.

Satyr: We got a customer Mitch?

Mitchell stepped out from the cab.

Mitchell: No. I stopped because I'm quitting too.

Satyr: What?

Mitchell: Your money is not worth this. I'm no longer going to abandon my ethics for you..

Satyr began to say something, but there was a pounding on the back door.

Satyr opened it. A teenage girl was standing there.

Teenage Girl: This is the Abortion-Mobile, right?

Satyr smiled and looked past the girl towards the horizon.

The smile dropped from his face.

Satyr: Hurry up and get in!

Gweg was talking to a police officer.

Gweg: Yes. It's a huge U-Haul Truck. It's dressed up with pictures of babies and has "Abortion-Mobile" written across it.

Officer: And can you describe the four people you said was inside?

Before Gweg could answer him, a call came in on the officer's radio.

*Attention All Officers! We Have A Possible 404 On The Corners Of Roe And Wade. We Need All Available Units to Head There Now. Be Advised A Small Group Of Civilains Have Attacked A Large Truck*

The officer responded to the dispatcher.

He turned back to Gweg and Sara.

Officer: I have to head over there. It sounds like your abortion-mobile is under attack. I'll have another unit come to pick you up.

The Officer took off.

Gweg looked Sara over.

Gweg: How are you doing?

Sara: I'm still shook up.

Gweg: Sounds like the protesters found him.

Sara: Good.

Gweg: I'm sorry your day turned out like this.

Sara: It's not your fault. Besides, today was the first day I didn't feel completely hollow. Since Valerie died, I felt like I lost my purpose for being. I didn't feel that way today. Have you ever felt like that?

Gweg knew exactly what she was talking about. He felt the same way too.

Gweg: Yes. You no longer feel useless. Helpless.

Sara: Exactly.

Gweg looked at her and saw that she was shivering. He put his arm around her and held her closer to him.

She didn't pull away.

The air was filled the noise of sirens. Gweg knew where they were headed to.

20 minutes later, another cop pulled up. The officer got out and opened the doors for them.

Officer: Sorry for the delay. The attack on that truck was a real mess. All four people inside were killed.

Gweg: What?

Officer: Yeah. The ones that attacked you. You said there were four people. The driver, a doctor and his nurse, and the owner?

Gweg: Yes.

Officer: Well, we found four bodies. They were burnt pretty bad. One of the protesters had brought gasoline. The abortion-mobile is completely destroyed.

Gweg couldn't believe what he was hearing.

Satyr was dead.

Gweg: Thank you. Let's get her home first.

The Officer drove them to Sara's house.

Before she got out, she turned to Gweg.

Sara: Thank you for being there for me.

Gweg: Anytime.

Sara: I really mean it. You are a blessing. I hope we can spend more time with each other. And, I hate to say it, since Satyr is dead, we won't be having any more adventures.

She laughed nervously. So did Gweg.

Gweg: That's fine with me.

Sara got out if the car and waved goodbye to Gweg.

The officer took Gweg home.

Gweg walked up the stairs to his apartment. He still hadn't allowed the reality of Satyr's death to sink in.

Gweg unlocked his door and stepped into the darkened front room. He flipped the light switch to the overhead light.

The light didn't come on.

Instead, the lamp next to the couch did.

Gweg rubbed his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was seeing.

Gweg: Satyr! They said you were dead.

Satyr sat on the couch, staring a hole through Gweg.

Satyr: You are not that lucky, Gweg. Eveyone else died. Mitch, the doc, his nurse, and that poor unfortunate girl who wanted to give us a Bible so we would stop sinning. The protesters didn't believe she wasn't just another pregnant girl.

Gweg: How did you get away?

Satyr: I'm going to spare you the details of that. I just want you to know one thing: You have fucked me over for the last time. This morning, you said you'd stay out of my way. You said you no longer wanted any part of what I was doing. You lied, Gweg. Instead, you and that shrew, decided to chase after me, like you were Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Whatever happens in the future, I want you to remember, you brought the fight to me. I have no choice but to retaliate. You destroyed months worth of work. I put a lot of money into the Abortion-Mobile and you and your little gang of do-gooders ruined it.

Satyr got up and pointed at Gweg.

Satyr: This is not over. This is war.

.....

Operation: Valerie

2009-02-21T02:06:00.000-05:00

The alarm clock woke Satyr up.

Satyr rose out of bed. It was 9 in the morning. He hardly ever got up at this time, but today was going to be a busy day for him. Months of planning had lead up to this day. Today would be the day, that Satyr would make up for a past mistake.

Satyr went out to the kitchen to fix some cereal. He walked in there to find Gweg, staring out the kitchen window.

Satyr: Are you still moping about what's her name?

Gweg didn't turn from the window. He held back tears as he said her name.

Gweg: Mindy. Her name was Mindy.

Satyr poured the cereal into his bowl and shrugged.

Satyr: I don't know why you're so upset about that. It's not like she was your actual girlfriend. Yeah, ok, your two best friends are dead, but hell, if you hadn't betrayed one of them, the other would still be alive.

Gweg didn't argue. He had been blaming himself over the death of Mindy. He still placed some of the blame on Satyr, but he knew his own actions paved the way to her death. He turned away from the window and walked into the front room.

Satyr sat down at the kitchen table and began eating his cereal.

Satyr: I'm going out today. I've got some business to take care of. Nothing big. Just some things. We need more milk, I'll pick us up some.

Gweg didn't reply. He had never before felt so empty inside. He knew living with Satyr was the cause of most of his troubles, but he could never bring himself to leave. He felt that whatever he had to offer the world was long gone, and the purpose of his life now was to be Satyr's unwilling sidekick.

Gweg was about ready to ask Satyr if he could tag along, but a knock at the door interrupted him.

Satyr: Get that. I'm not done with my cereal.

Gweg got up and answered the door.

Standing on the other side was a pretty brunette woman of 28 years who looked like she had been crying.

Brunette: Is Satyr here? I need to talk to him.

Upon hearing the voice, Satyr dropped his spoon into his bowl and stood up. He rushed to the living room.

Satyr: Sara! What are you doing here?

Sara: Our daughter, Satyr! Our daughter has been kidnapped!

Gweg snapped out of the trance he had been in all morning.

Gweg: What?

Ten minutes passed. Satyr had to calm Sara down while Gweg wrapped his head around the fact that Satyr had a daughter. After Sara calmed down, she told Gweg and Satyr how she found her home had been broken into and her daughter gone.

Gweg: You have a daughter?

Satyr: Yes, I do. She has custody of her.

Sara: Her name is Valerie. Here, they left a note.

Sara handed Satyr the Ransom Note.

Dear Satyr,

We have your Daughter. We know that you are a wealthy person. We want 5 million dollars. We will give you till 3 pm today to secure the money. Then we will call you. NO COPS! or your daughter dies. If you do not get the money, she will die. But not before we have our way with her.

Sincerely,

The Kidnappers.

Satyr crumpled the note up and tossed it behind him.

Sara: What are you doing! That's evidence.

Satyr: Need I remind you Sara, that we are no longer married? That means that you don't get to come busting on my door every time you have a little problem.

Sara: Our daughter!

Satyr: There is no "Our". You have full custody. If you had gotten remarried like I told you to, you would have a man in your life to help you deal with this now.

Gweg stood up and got in front of Satyr.

Gweg: Hey jackass! That letter was addressed to you. That means you're the reason why her daughter was kidnapped. Instead of coming up with excuses to not help, you should be coming up with ways to help her. This is your flesh and blood too.

Satyr: That has never been confirmed.

Gweg: You're unbelievable.

Sara: I knew it would be too much to ask for your help. I could never count on you. I'll deal with this myself.

Sara headed for the door. Gweg put his arm on her shoulder to stop her.

Gweg: I'll go with you. We can head back to your place to look for clues. I'll help you get your daughter back.

Satyr: Well look at Nick and Nora Charles, off to solve another crime. You kids have fun.

Gweg: Fuck off.

Gweg and Sara went out the door.

Satyr laughed, despite himself. His phone rang. He answered.

Satyr: Yeah?

Man on the other line: The package has been delivered.

Satyr: I'll be right there.

Satyr hung up. He smiled and got dressed.

Satyr: Time to get this party started.

Gweg and Sara were driving to her house.

Gweg: My name is Gweg, by the way.

Sara held out her hand for Gweg to shake it.

Sara: Sara Grant.

Gweg let a few moments of silence pass.

Gweg: Why Satyr?

Sara sighed.

Sara: It's a long story.

Gweg: Go ahead. It'll help keep your mind from worrying to the point of sheer insanity.

Sara: I can tell you lived with Satyr for a while now.

Gweg: Too long.

Sara: Ok, we met ten years ago....

The year was 1999 and I had just turned 18 years old. My friend Tanya called me up wanting to spend the Saturday with me. We just went shopping in town and decided to have lunch at Fazoli's. It was still opened up back then. Anyway, we were talking about the usual, school and boys, when he came in.

I had only seen a satyr in pictures, but when I saw the real thing, I was struck. The way his legs moved, the confidence he had, I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He was with his friend too. That creepy guy, he looked as though he could have been Satyr's brother, if Satyr was a human. But there was something menacing about him.

Tanya noticed them too. She always had a thing for bad guys and took a liking to the friend. The whole hooves thing turned her off of Satyr.

They ordered their food and sat down at a table not too far from us. I could see them talking. Satyr began to look in our direction, making eye contact with me. I blushed. He saw this and smiled and turned back to his friend. They talked a little more and then did something weird. I think they played Rock, Paper, and Scissors. Their order was up, Satyr's friend went to get it and Satyr walked over to our table.

Satyr: How are you ladies doing today?

Me: Good.

Satyr: I'm going to be blunt. My friend and I couldn't help but notice you two very attractive women. And if you aren't creeped out, we would like to join you for lunch.

I looked over at Tanya. She looked up at Satyr's friend who was heading back with the food. She nodded.

Me: We would love to have your company.

Satyr grinned and motioned his friend to the table.

Satyr: Allow me to introduce ourselves, my name is Satyr and this is my good friend Richard.

Richard didn't bother to look at me, instead he just looked at Tanya, almost like a predator eyeing his prey.

Richard: I am very pleased to meet you.

Satyr: And what are your names?

Me: I'm Sara and that is Tanya.

They sat down. Satyr sat right across from me. Up close, he was very cute and there was this playful innocence about him. Like there was something naughty trying to get out.

Satyr: Tell us about yourselves.

Me: Well, we're both seniors in high school. We're 18. I work at a gift shop and Tanya's parents are rich.

Tanya laughed. Satyr gave her a look, but didn't seem that interested. He looked back at me. There was something in his eyes, like he had discovered something new, something very intriguing and wanted to know everything about it. That's how he looked at me. No one had ever looked at me that way before. He brought my self esteem to an all new high that day.

I had to know more about him.

Me: So, what do you guys do?

Satyr: I'm a jack of all trades. Right now I'm designing websites for people on the Internet.

Me: Cool. We got the Internet at our school finally. I wanted to make a website. Maybe you could help me out on that sometime.

Satyr: Absolutely.

Tanya: And what do you do, Richard?

Richard: I'm a hunter.

Tanya looked as though she were talking to a rock star. The girl had some real problems.

Tanya: What kind of stuff do you hunt?

Richard: Whatever puts up a challenge.

We finished our lunch and went out to the parking lot. They walked us to my car. Richard and Tanya went to the driver side and began talking to each other. Satyr opened the door for me.

Satyr: So, what do you think about dating older guys who also happen to be half goat?

Me: I've never really given it any thought.

Satyr: That's good. People might think you were strange.

Me: They already do.

He smiled at this and pulled out a card.

Satyr: That's my number. Give me a call whenever you want me to help you with your web page. And don't be afraid to call me for any other reasons too.

Me: Thanks.

I got into the car, waited for Tanya to finish with Richard, and we took off. Two days later, I called Satyr up and we started going out. My parents weren't happy, but I didn't care. He was funny, smart, and he treated me like I was the only person who mattered.

Of course, his buddy, Richard, ended up knocking Tanya the next day after we all met. She ended up dropping out of school. He broke up with her immediately, but still held got part custody of the kid. He took after his father a bit too much I think. Tanya and I didn't stay close friends. She became a bit of a whore. The last time we talk was when Richard went missing. he went out hunting and never came back.

But yeah, that's how Satyr and I met.

Gweg listened to the story. He didn't blame Sara for falling for Satyr. He knew that Satyr had that way about him. But there was one part of the story that didn't click.

Gweg: Satyr told me he never knew Richard had any kids.

Sara: And you believed him?

Gweg: Yeah. I should have known better.

Sara: How did you meet him?

Gweg didn't want to get into that.

Gweg: He put an ad in the paper for a new roommate and I answered it.

Sara: Oh. Here we are. This is my house.

Sara and Gweg got out of the car and went inside.

Sara: I'll show you her room.

As they walked through the house, Gweg noticed a book case. It was filled with Shakespeare, Dostoevsky, Dickens, King, Crichton, Hemingway, Twain, and a lot of other great books.

Gweg: You have a great selection of books here.

Sara: Thank you.

They went into Valerie's room.

Meanwhile, Satyr arrived at an auto repair garage. The garage was located in the beaten down part of town. Satyr parked his car behind the shop so it would be out of view from the street. He went inside.

An man of 45 greeted him. The man was Mitchell Davidson. Satyr hired him to get Valerie. He then kept him on as security.

Mitchell: Hello Mr. Satyr.

Satyr: Howdy. She's here?

Mitchell: Yes, Valerie is in the main garage.

Satyr and Mitchell entered into the main garage. It smelled of of grease and burnt oil. Valerie was right in the middle.

Satyr: Did you have any trouble getting her here?

Mitchell: Not a problem sir. She hardly made a sound.

Satyr: That's my baby.

Satyr walked up to Valerie. He began to caress her.

Satyr: Don't worry. I know you don't look like much now, but after the boys get here and make you over, you are going to look just like I always pictured you should.

Satyr turned to Mitchell.

Satyr: Speaking of, when are they getting here?

Mitchell: They should arrive soon.

Satyr turned back to Valerie.

Satyr: I'm going to leave you in here, but don't worry, Daddy will be in the next room.

Satyr and Mitchell went into the office.

Mitchell: What about your roommate? You said he might be a problem.

Satyr: Don't worry about him. He's off on a wild goose chase.

A few minutes later, a group of 7 men came into the garage.

Satyr: Gentlemen, I'm glad you could make it. You got my down payment right?

One of the guy's spoke up.

Guy: Yes we did.

Satyr: Good. You guys know the plan. She's right through there. Have your way with her. If there isn't one scratch on her and you make her beautiful the way I want her to look, then you'll be getting paid double what I promised you.

The men smiled and made their way into the main garage.

Mitchell: It'll take them a few hours to get it done. The doctor should be here by then.

Satyr: Good. These guys are here to make her beautiful, but the doctor is going to be doing the real transformation on her.

Mitchell: Yes sir.

Satyr: Something troubling you, Mitch?

Mitchell: I have a bit of a moral dilemma with what you are doing here. This goes against nature.

Satyr: If you have a problem, then I suggest you leave now, but don't forget your role in all of this.

Mitchell: I understand. You are paying me well, so I will stay and not voice my opinion about this anymore.

Satyr laughed.

Satyr: Money always wins over morals. That's the way of the world.

Mitchell: If I may sir, what inspired all of this? I know that Valerie is your daughter, but what did she do to warrant this?

Satyr: You really want to know? Well, I guess I can tell you. We do got a lot of time to kill. Alright, it all starts with my ex-wife.

Ten years ago, me and my buddy Richard were out driving around town. We were in the middle of an argument.

Richard: You don't know what you are talking about.

Me: I damn well do know. You are so full of yourself to realize how fucking wrong you are. I used to think you were a smart person, but now I see the only reason you hardly ever talk is because you know that 99% of what you say is so fucking stupid that if you dare let the comments out of your mouth, the whole world will know what a retard you are. So, that's why you only let the 1% of the smart things you say out into the open. Well, this time you fucked up real good. You let slip a dumb one, and you can't take it back.

Richard: All I said was Mr. Pibb tastes better than Dr. Pepper.

I let it drop. I started to feel sorry for him. He was so delusional sometimes.

Me: I'm hungry. Let's grab something to eat.

Richard: Where?

Me: Fazoli's.

Richard: That Italian place?

Me: Yeah. that's right. They have free bread sticks.

Richard: Do they have Mr. Pibb.

Me: Don't get smart. That's not your style.

We went to Fazoli's As we walked in, I could see out of the corner of my eye, two young girls sitting at a table. They were watching us enter.

We ordered our food and sat down.

Me: So, what's the action tonight?

Richard: I'm in the mood for anything.

I looked at the girls at the table. I caught the eye of the brunette. Pretty looking thing.

Me: What about those two girls over there?

Richard looked.

Richard: Eh. They're alright. I'm in a hunting type of mood. We can take them out to the woods.

Me: Are you crazy? You want to kill those girls. Trust me, they are young school girls begging for some action. I do have a nose for these things.

Richard: I feel like shooting my gun tonight.

Me: So do I, but not the gun you have in mind. I say we sex them up.

Richard: Hunt.

Me: There's only one way to settle this. Rock, Paper, Scissors. Let's go.

We did the little game. I held out rock, he held out scissors. I won.

Me: Our order's up. Go get it while I get us seats over there.

We got up and I made my way over there. Introduced ourselves. The one I wanted was named Tanya. I could tell she would put out the first night, but I could see she had her eyes on Richard. So, I tried to do a little switcheroo and make her jealous of the attention I was giving her friend Sara, but to no avail. It didn't matter, I could tell the Sara was smitten with me, so I began to work my magic.

We talked about who knows what. I think I came up with some lie about me being a webpage designer. It didn't matter. I could tell she wanted me. So, we began dating. A little over a year later, we got married.

Mitchell: Really? I never took you as the marrying type.

Satyr: Well, these things happen. Especially when you lose a bet.

Mitchell: What bet was that?

Satyr: I bet Richard that Gore would win the election. If I won, he had to marry whatever girl he was seeing at the time, and if I lost, I had to marry Sara.

There was a knock on the office door. Satyr answered it. It was Dr. Wicklund. He was an older man of 50, bald, wearing a dark overcoat.

Satyr: Ah, Dr. Wicklund, you're here early.

Dr. Wicklund: Of course. When you first told me of this project, I must admit I was jealous that I never thought of it first!

Satyr: You flatter me doctor. I trust you have brought all the medical equipment.

Dr. Wicklund: Absolutely! I have everything we need. Now, where is Valerie?

Satyr: She's right through there.

Dr. Wicklund took a look into the garage.

Dr. Wicklund: Ah, she's beautiful. She's perfect. As soon as those men are done applying the cosmetics, we will begin the real science.

Satyr: Have you figured out what we are going to do with the, uh, "unwanted parts"?

Dr. Wicklund: Trust me dear Satyr, I have it all worked out.

Satyr: Good.

Gweg and Sara were done looking over the house. Gweg never told Sara exactly what he was looking for.

He was looking for evidence that Satyr had been there. He found none. Whoever took her daughter knew how to cover his tracks. Gweg knew he was in over his head.

Gweg: If I had the money, I would be glad to hand it over, but I don't think this is about money.

Sara: What do you mean?

Gweg: I think Satyr is behind this.

Sara: Why? Why would he kidnap a daughter he has never had any interest in.

Gweg: It's just his style. He said he was up to something today. Hold on, let me call me our next door neighbor.

Gweg pulled out his cell phone and called Vernon, the man who lived in the apartment next to Gweg and Satyr.

Gweg: Hey Vernon, it's Gweg. I was wondering if you could knock on my door and see if Satyr is home. Oh, he did? Thanks.

Gweg put his phone away and looked angry.

Gweg: Vernon said Satyr left not too long after we did.

Sara: He left that ransom note to throw us off, didn't he? That note was just his style. But what's he up too?

Gweg: I don't want to imagine. But what ever it is, it's not good.

Sara: Oh go, he's probably doing something horrible to her.

Sara began to cry. Gweg hugged her.

Gweg: You have my promise Sara. Whatever he's up to, I will put a stop to it.

Sara: How are we going to find him? He could be anywhere.

Gweg: I have an idea.

Gweg opened his cell phone back up and made a call.

Detective Ben Watterson was sitting at his desk.

On the wall facing the desk, was a picture of Satyr. In the 20 years Det. Watterson has been on the force, he has never encountered anyone he has hated as much as Satyr.

The more he learned about his new white whale, the more he hated him. He waited for just one opportunity to catch him doing something nefarious, so he could bring him to justice once and for all.

His phone rang.

Det. Watterson picked it up and couldn't believe he was hearing the voice on the other end of the line.

Gweg: Det. Watterson. This is Gweg. Do you remember me.

Det. Watterson: All to well. You are Satyr's friend.

Gweg: No, I'm his roommate, not his friend. And I think he's up to something. I need your help.

Det. Watterson: What do you think he's up to?

Gweg: I think he kidnapped his own daughter.

Det. Watterson: Valerie's been kidnapped?

Gweg: You know who his daughter is?

Det. Watterson: I know a lot of things about him. Has Sara reported this to the police yet?

Gweg: She was afraid to due to the ransom note.

Det. Watterson: I see. I'll tell you what, I think I might know where he is. But, I need to know you are telling the truth. I'll head over to Sara's house right now. It'll be 30 minutes.

Watterson hung up. He smiled. This might be the answer to his prayers.

Back at Sara's house.

Gweg: The detective is on his way.

Sara: What if Val was really kidnapped by people wanting money? They said not to call the cops.

Gweg: Don't worry. Watterson will come alone. He hates Satyr with a passion. If Satyr is behind this, Watterson will help. He's probably been keeping tabs on Satyr ever since that night with the autistic vampires.

Sara: Autistic vampires?

Gweg: You don't want to know. Watterson will be here in half an hour. I'm curious, why did you marry Satyr?

Sara: You're having a hard time understanding my involvement with him.

Gweg: To say the least.

Sara sat down on her couch and laughed. She motioned Gweg to sit next to her. He did.

Sara: It was the funniest thing. It was November of 2000. We were taking our Wednesday walk through the park and he starts going off on this rant about George Bush getting elected. He said it was a conspiracy and how it was the worst thing that could ever have possibly happened. Then after all that, he gets on his knees and proposes to me. It was the most random thing and it caught me off guard. I said yes. He started to wince, like he was choking back tears. And that was the thing with him. The randomness. I never knew what to expect and I loved it. In hindsight, I loved being with him more than I actually loved him. Do you understand what I mean by that?

Gweg: Yes I do.

Sara: Of course, it all ended when I got pregnant.

January 2001

I had missed my period. I waited 3 weeks until I took a test. I knew what the results were going to be, but I some doubt. Wishful thinking really. I wasn't ready for kids yet and I thought long and hard about Satyr being a father. I knew it was a bad idea, but I thought maybe he would settle himself down once hew knew he was going to be a father.

I was wrong.

Satyr: You're what?

Me: I'm pregnant.

Satyr: Are you sure it's not something you ate.

Me: No. It's from something that went up me, not down.

Satyr: Well, is it mine?

Me: Who else's would it be. You told me you could get me pregnant and you did.

Satyr: If I told you I could shove a fly up there and make you sprout wings, would you believe that too?

Me: I know you told me the truth. You are the only one I have ever been with.

Satyr: And I'm supposed to take your word for it?

Me: You love me and trust me, don't you?

Satyr: Are those my only options?

Me: You are unbelievable. I was hoping you'd be happy and want to be a good father.

Satyr: A good father? Ha! I'd rather have a good corned beef sandwich than a child. You should do us all a favor and abort that thing as soon as you can.

Me: Abortion. This is your answer.

Satyr: It's cheaper than raising this thing.

Me: Asshole.

Satyr: I think it's a little to late for that alternative. But, if you want to keep this thing, you had better get ready to face the consequences.

And we cruised along in our relationship. Then I found out the gender of the baby and that was the tip of the iceberg for him. We got divorced three months later. I took him to court to get alimony and child support. But he had a real good lawyer with him. All I ended up with was full custody of the baby. But that was alright, she's all I ever needed. Satyr would call me up once a month to tell me to get remarried.

Gweg: Why would he do that?

Sara: I have no idea.

There was a knock on the door. It was Detective Watterson.

Det. Watterson: I'm glad to see you here, Gweg. I hope this isn't another game you two are playing.

Sara: Sir, my daughter was taken. If you know where Satyr is, please tell us, we'll go there ourselves.

Det. Watterson: I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. Fine. Satyr leased out an out of work automotive repair shop two months ago. The people who live around it keep to themselves. It's a good place to do something if you don't want people nosing around.

Gweg: Let's go.

Det. Watterson: I'll follow. If he did kidnap her, I'm taking him in.

Back at the garage.

Satyr and Mitchell were in the garage. Dr. Wicklund was looking over his medical equipment.

Satyr: I can't wait to see him work those tools. It's going to be art.

They walked back into the office and sat down.

Mitchell: You still haven't told me what this is really all about.

Satyr: You see, it's simple. Sara had a daughter.

Mitchell: And that means what?

Satyr: After Sara told me she was pregnant, I was furious of course. I stuck around, trying to figure out ways to get back at her, but when I found out she was having a girl, I knew the kid couldn't be mine.

Mitchell: How so?

Satyr: There is a 1% chance of a human or a nymph getting pregnant with a female after conceiving with a satyr. We get our women pregnant with healthy male satyrs.

Mitchell: I see.

Satyr: Of course, after finding out she was having a girl, a plan formed in my mind.

April 2001

I met up with my buddy Richard to talk about my predicament.

Me: I need to get this bitch back for dragging me along with this ruse.

Richard: Just let it go. Seems like you have a "Get out Of Jail Free" card.

Me: No, there's a still a chance this kid could be mine.

Richard: You already told her you wanted a divorce. I'm surprised it took you this long. Our bet was you had to marry her, not stay married to her.

Me: What?

Richard: Yeah, you could have gotten a divorce the next day, you still would have honored the bet.

Me: Why didn't you tell me this sooner?

Richard: I thought you already figured that part out.

Me: Screw it.

I sat there. Staring off into space. Then it struck me.

Me: I got it!

Richard: What?

Me: When the kid gets old enough, I'll kidnap her and turn her into a satyr!

Richard: What?

Me: Think about it. She wants to fuck around with me. Us satyr's aren't good enough for her anymore. Satyr's are good enough to fuck, but not to raise. You know, she would always go to the bathroom after we had sex, now I know why. Probably taking some drugs to counteract conception. And that's why. So, I'm going to give her the satyr she never wanted.

Richard: Sounds reasonable.

Me: I just need a good lawyer for the divorce.

Richard: I have a website you can go to.

And that's that. I hired a lawyer, his prices were reasonable, and I won in court. She got full custody. And Here we are today.

Mitchell: But that doesn't explain...

He was cut off by Dr. Wicklund running into the room.

Dr. Wicklund: The transformation is complete.

Satyr: Thank you.

Satyr looked into the garage.

Satyr: My dream came true. Ok, cover her up for now. Let her settle into her new role in the world.

There was a pounding on the door.

Satyr: Mitchell, see who that is.

Mitchell looked out the window.

Mitchell: It's your roommate. He's with another man and a woman. The man looks like a cop.

Satyr: How did he find me? Don't let them look in the garage!

Satyr went to the door. He opened it just a little and stepped outside.

Satyr: Gweg, Sara, and Watts! What brings you all out here?

Gweg: Don't play stupid. Where is she?

Satyr: Who?

Sara: Our daughter!

Satyr: How should I know. She was kidnapped wasn't she? I thought you guys were out looking for her.

Gweg: We are, and we wound up here. Where is she?

At this time, Mitchell snuck around from the back and hid behind Gweg's car. He brought one of the workers from the garage with him. The watched the confrontation.

Mitchell whispered to the worker.

Mitchell: If this gets violent, I want you to grab the blond guy.

Worker: Got it.

Det. Watterson walked up to Satyr.

Det. Watterson: Listen here Satyr. We can go about this two ways. One: You take us in there and give us the girl. Two: I crack open your fucking skull and we go in there and get the girl.

Satyr: And I thought you were here to make friends.

Det. Watterson grabbed Satyr and pucked him against the wall.

Mitchell and the worker ran from behind the car. Mitchell grabbed Watterson and threw him off of Satyr. The worker punched Gweg in the stomach.

Sara: Stop this! I just want Valerie back.

The worker stopped attacking Gweg.

Worker: Valerie? It's in the garage.

Gweg coughed and looked at the worker.

Gweg: It?

Satyr: Shut up. Don't say another word.

Everyone was looking at Gweg and Satyr now. Det. Watterson used the distraction as an opportunity to knock Mitchell out. He then pulled the gun out of his holster and yelled out.

Det. Watterson: Satyr! Take us in the garage right now!

Satyr: Fine. Fine! Let's go.

The went into the garage.

Satyr opened the door and showed them all Valerie.

Satyr: There, there she is.

Gweg: What is that?

There was a 24 foot U-Haul truck covered in a tarp in the middle of the garage.

Sara: Is that a truck? Is Valerie in there?

Satyr laughed.

The tarp began to move. Dr. Wicklund stepped out of the back of the truck.

Dr. Wicklund: Excellent. We have an audience to unveil our creation.

Det. Watterson went up to the truck and looked inside.

Det. Watterson: What is all this? Where's Valerie?

Satyr shook his head. He went up to the truck and removed the tarp.

Everone stared in disbelief.

Whatever decals that were on the truck identifying it as a U-Haul were removed. In it's place, were two toddlers playing with alphabet blocks. Below them were a group of alphabet blocks on a row spelling out somethine.

Gweg: Abortion-mobile?

Satyr: Yes. This is the Abortion-mobile.

Sara: That guy said Valerie was in here.

The worker stepped into the garage.

Worker: Yeah. He named the truck Valerie.

Gweg: You named this thing after your daughter.

Satyr: She's what inspired this whole thing.

Sara: Where is she?

Satyr: I already told you, I don't know.

Gweg: Do you even care?

Satyr: Nope.

One of the workers, who were in charge of repainting the truck and putting the medical equipment in, snuck out of the garage and got on his phone.

Worker: Hey. It's me. Yeah, this guy ain't goning to pay for his daughter back. Abort this whole plan. I don't care, dump in front of this place if you want.

Gweg: Come one Sara, let's go back to your house and see if Watterson can find anything.

Det. Watterson: Yeah. Let's go.

He went up to Satyr.

Det. Watterson: I'm going to nail you for something. Mark my words. I will get you.

Satyr: If you ever get your wife pregnant, you knw who to call.

Satyr walked with them out to their cars.

Satyr: Don't tell anybody about what you saw here. I want this to be a surprise to the community.

Gweg: We have bigger things to worry about right now.

They all stopped when they heard the screeching of tires. An unmarked van swerved around the corner. It slowed down as it came up to the garage. The side door opened up, and a masked man threw something out.

It was the body of a young girl. It rolled a few feet and stopped in front of the group. The girl was dead.

Sara scremed out.

Sara: Valerie! Oh my god! My baby!

She jumped down to the body and held it in her arms.

A few moments later, Satyr silently walked over to her and kneeled beside her.

He held her close to him for a few minutes then whispered soemthing in her ear.

Satyr: This never would have happened if you had gotten an abortion like I told you to.

The End.

Funeral Follies

2008-12-05T09:11:00.000-05:00

Satyr woke up to find Gweg in the kitchen, staring out the window. Gweg looked upset.

Satyr: What's wrong with you?

Gweg motioned to the paper on the table.

Satyr looked at the paper. He neglected to read the headline and stared at the picture on the front page. It had a beautiful young woman in it holding hands with an older woman. Both of them were crying.

Satyr: Who is that? She is hot as hell!

Gweg: That's Mindy Roberts. Her husband, James, was killed over in Iraq a few days ago.

Satyr: Really. Well, I'll be more than happy to console her.

Gweg turned from the window to face Satyr. It was now clear to Satyr that Gweg had been crying.

Gweg: Listen you prick, her and her husband were very good friends of mine back in high school, and I'd appreciate it if you kept your crude comments to yourself about it.

Satyr: Fine Gweg, I'll say no more. I'm sorry for your loss.

Gweg: Thank you.

Satyr: If you guys were such good buddies, how come they never been here.

Gweg: Like I would ever subject them to you.

Satyr: Well, you should have, it might have toughened that boy right up. Get him prepared for the big nasty war.

Gweg turned away from Satyr and sighed. Satyr always had lousy timing. Satyr had been on the campaign trail with John McCain. After the election was over, Satyr went into hiding for a month until things cooled down. When Satyr had arrived home yesterday, he explained to Gweg that several Republican supporters were trying to track him down.

Satyr: Just because I told McCain to choose Palin as his running mate, all of the sudden, I'm the bad guy.

Gweg couldn't complain about this. He was an Obama supporter. And it was nice to have the
apartment to himself for all of those months. He also finally got to spend time with some friends. Mindy Roberts being one of those friends. She had needed someone to be there for her while James was over serving in Iraq.

At the table, Satyr had skipped past the article on James and went right to the Classifieds.

Satyr: Well, since I'm no longer a Campaign Saboteur, I'd better find myself a new job.

Gweg left from the window and grabbed his jacket and keys.

Gweg: I'm going out for a drive. I need to clear my head.

Satyr: Could you pick up some beef jerky?

Gweg walked out the door before answering.

The Day Before the Wake.

Gweg had called Mindy up and asked about the arrangements for the funeral. Gweg offered her all of his support and told Mindy he would give a eulogy. After the call, Gweg began to look through his closet to find the clothes he was going to wear.

Satyr had walked past his door and snuck a peek at what Gweg was doing.\

Satyr: Whatcha up to Gweg?

Gweg: I'm getting my clothes for the funeral.

Satyr: Whose?

Gweg: James Roberts'.

Satyr: Oh yeah, that one. Hey, I'm going to that one too!

Gweg Stopped looking through his closet and turned around to Satyr.

Gweg: What do you mean you are going to the funeral? You didn't know them. You have no business being there.

Satyr: Au contraire. It is my business being there.

Gweg: How so?

Satyr: Does the name Stacy Wexler mean anything to you?

Gweg: That's James' sister. How do you know her?

Satyr: She hired me.

Gweg: To do what?

Satyr laughed and motioned to Gweg's bed.

Satyr: You might want to have a seat. Seems like you good friend Mindy was up to no good while her hubby was out fighting for her very freedom.

Gweg: Just tell me what this is about.

Satyr: Your dead friend's sister hired me to investigate her sister-in-law. Stacy is under the distinct impression that Mindy was fooling around with someone while James was in Iraq. And she wants me to find out who.

Gweg held his face with his hands. He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

Gweg: This is a lot of stuff you're feeding me here. First off, why would Stacy hire you?

Satyr: I told you I needed a new job. So I became a private investigator.

Gweg: People don't become private investigators over night.

Satyr: I already have all of the licenses and permits to become one. I just had to open up shop this morning. And Mrs. Wexler just happened to be my first client.

Gweg: Fine. But why does she have you investigating at the funeral?

Satyr: I'll be at the funeral and the wake. Stacy wasn't to keen on the idea, but once I explained to her that that would be the best time to observe Mindy, because it's when she'll be most vulnerable and have her guard down, she was up for it.

Gweg: I just can't believe she would have someone like you there at her brother's funeral.

Satyr: She is obviously angry and distraught. How dare this floozy go taking it around town when her husband is putting his life on the line!

Gweg: You just wait one second, you have no proof she was doing that.

Satyr: Oh, but I'll get it. And Satyr's Sleuth Service will be the number one investigation agency in town.

Satyr walked away from Gweg's room, leaving Gweg to sit on his bed stunned. Gweg knew about Mindy's adultery, and wondered how Stacy had found out about it. Gweg was not worried about Satyr discovering anything, but more worried about Satyr making a catastrophe of the services.

He had to tell Mindy that Stacy knew about the affair. Gweg tried calling, but got a busy signal. He would have to tell her tomorrow.

Meanwhile, Satyr went to his room and began to gather his things for the wake. He wasn't trying to find any clothes, he would wear his usual outfit. Satyr was digging out his spying equipment. Once he had all of his tools out, Satyr looked at the picture of Mindy Roberts he had posted on his wall.

Satyr: You are going down, bitch.

The Day of the Wake

Gweg had gotten up early. He wanted to look as nice as possible. James had been a very good friend to Gweg in high school. It was Gweg who also introduced Mindy to James. After high school. James and Mindy had moved away so they could both attend the same college. They got married during that time. James had also dropped out to join the army. Gweg kept in contact with them the whole time. He was thrilled when they had moved back into town two years ago. But once James had been medically cleared from a leg injury, he had been shipped out to Iraq.

Once Gweg was dressed, he looked over the speech he was going to give at the funeral tomorrow. He made some changes and told Satyr he was ready to go.

Satyr came out, wearing nothing but his trench coat and hair that looked like he had just gotten out of bed. Satyr brushed his hair down with his hands. He went back into his bedroom and came back out, holding a briefcase.

Gweg: What is that?

Satyr: Equipment. You may be going to this thing to have a good time, but I'm going there because it's my job.

Gweg: I'm not going there to have a good time. It's my friend's wake.

Satyr: Why do they call it a wake? The guy is clearly not.

Gweg: Don't start in. Let's just go to this thing.

Satyr and Gweg got into their car and headed to the wake.

On their way, they noticed signs businesses had put up, showing their support for James.

As Satyr drove by them, all he could do was shake his head and sigh.

Gweg: What's the matter with you.

Satyr: That.

He pointed at one of the signs.

Gweg: Why do you have a problem with that? I think it's very nice and respectful.

Satyr laughed.

Satyr: Respectful? You are so naive.

Gweg: How so?

Satyr: So, all of these places just unanimously decided to go out and place their "respect" for guy they didn't know.

Gweg: Why do you have to be so cynical? People can do nice things without some ulterior motive.

Satyr scoffed and pointed at the McDonald's sign.

Satyr: Look at that one. The have two reader boards up. The one on top says "God Bless the fallen soldier and his family" and the bottom one says "Try a Big Mac for only a $1.99". You see, there is no difference there. It's all called advertising. They are saying, "Yeah, we feel sad for the poor guy too, now buy our burger." They don't even bother to put his real name up. They don't care. Just one less customer down, time to rack in some more.

Gweg: You got it all wrong.

Satyr: Do I? You damn well know not every store in this town thought about putting a sign up until somebody else did. All it takes is one business to put a sing up and the rest fall into place. "Well, hell, oh Larry's Hardware put up a RIP sing for that guy that got killed in Iraq, we best put one up to so we don't look like insensitive jerks." You see, it's about business. Speaking of which, I'm hungry for a Big Mac now, they are going to have food at this wake right?

Gweg: Yes.

Satyr: People standing around eating food next to a dead guy. I love it.

They arrived at the funeral home.

Satyr: Ok. Here's the story. When people ask what I'm doing here, you tell them that I am your grief counsellor and I'm here because you really need the support.

Gweg: That's asinine.

Satyr: It's the story, or do you want me to tell people the truth; that while your good buddy was out fighting an insurgence in Iraq, his wife was back here having an insurgence of her own?

Gweg: Despite that being the worst euphemism ever, I don't want you spreading around that lie. So, yes, I'll go along with your story.

Satyr: Good. Let's get in there before the clean out the buffet.

Satyr and Gweg entered the funeral home and signed the guest registry.

Satyr: Ok. I'm going to investigate.

Gweg: Don't fool around.

Satyr: Don't worry about that, I'm not like the widow.

Satyr left the entryway and went into the room where the wake was being held.

Gweg heard someone call out his name from behind him. He turned around and saw Mindy. She looked as beautiful as ever.

Mindy: Thank you for coming Gweg.

Gweg: Not at all.

Mindy turned to the two people she was with and excused herself from them.

Mindy: Gweg, could you come with me.

Mindy led Gweg to an unoccupied room. She embraced Gweg and the two began to kiss.

A moment later, Gweg released himself from her.

Gweg: Should we be doing this here, it is James' wake after all.

Mindy: I know, but even with all that has happened this past week, I can't stop thinking about you. You were the only person who was there for me, when James was away. And now that he's gone for good, I need you more than ever.

Gweg: I can't help but feeling guilty for what we did. we betrayed his trust.

Mindy looked at Gweg with angry eyes.

Mindy: No! He betrayed mine! I told him not to drop out of college and join the army. I told his. And now look where it's gotten him. Besides, you were a better lover than he was. All he did was pump into me and fell asleep. You actually made sure I was getting pleased. And you would cuddle with me. I'm sad he's gone. I did love him. But I love you as well and I need you now.

She threw herself into Gweg's arms. He held her there for a minute and gave in to her temptation.

Meanwhile, Satyr was investigating.

Satyr believed his best advantage was to find out whether James had suspected anything. satyr saw a group of four men in their army uniforms. Satyr made his way over to them and waited for his chance to get into their conversation.

Soldier 1: I agree. We need to get out of that country. It's complete shit.

Soldier 3: We need to finish up.

Soldier 4. Whatever the case maybe, I know we should never have gone there in the fist place. I joined up because of 9/11, and Iraq has got nothing to do with that.

Soldier 2: I joined the army in 2000, back then I thought I'd never fight in a war. Boy was I wrong. I still remember the first time I killed a man.

Satyr: I bet that was sweet.

Soldier 2: Excuse me.

Satyr: When you first killed a guy. It was sweet wasn't it. It's like a rush. Your head becomes clear and you get this feeling of power. And the best part is, that guy you killed is going to become your slave in the afterlife.

Soldier 1: Who are you.

Satyr: Oh, I'm a grief counselor. Speaking of which. You guys ever get the feeling when you over seas fighting, that your girl back here might be cheating on you.

Soldier 4: No, Karen loves me.

Satyr: Yeah, I don't doubt that. But your over there, on the other side of the world, and she's back here, with needs a vibrator ain't gonna fulfil.

Soldier: 2 Shut-up, you are making me worried about it now.

Satyr: Well, you should be. Speaking of, do any of you guys know if James was worried about that kind of thing.

Soldier 3: No. Him and his wife were always talking to each other on his cell when they got the chance. Why do you want to know?

Satyr: Professional curiosity. You gentlemen have a nice day.

That didn't help much, Satyr thought. He saw Stacy Wexler, standing next to her brother's casket.

Satyr went up to it and peered inside.

Satyr: Wasn't a head wound that did him in huh? That's good. You get to have an open casket funeral. But sometimes these restorative artist can do wonders. Old buddy of mine was shot right through eye, bullet went out the back of his head. Hell of thing. But when it came time for his funeral, he looked good as new. Well, he kind of looked like a pirate anyway, they had to put a patch over the eye socket where he got shot, but other than that. He looked terrific.

Stacy: That's nice. Any news on my sister-in-law. Or former sister-in-law I should say.

Satyr: Nada. Is there anyone you suspect that she was struping, cause that would help out.

Stacy: I talked to her neighbor, she saw a white male, about 5 foot 9 at the house several times during the week. He had dirty blond hair.

Satyr: Hmmm, I'll keep an eye out.

Satyr began to scan the room. He saw a young man with the features Stacy had given him. satyr decided to keep a watch on this guy.

Several minutes went bye. The widow had finally came out of hiding and was making her way through the room. Getting hugged from various people, a comforting hand rub on the shoulder from others, then she made her way to the man Satyr was watching.

They had hugged a few seconds longer than she did with the other people. And he began to rub her shoulder. She was very relaxed around him, comfortable. he body language didn't lie. Satyr looked around the room and saw Gweg.

Satyr ran over to him and pointed a finger at him.

Satyr: It's all over. I know everything.

Gweg was stunned. Had Satyr followed them?

Gweg: How?

Satyr: See that guy she is standing with over there. Yeah, him. That's the guy she's been fucking.

Gweg: That's her cousin.

Satyr: Those sick freaks!

Gweg: She is not having sex with her cousin.

Satyr: Well, damn, there goes my only good lead.

Gweg: Maybe you aren't getting anywhere in your investigation because she never cheated on him.

Satyr: No, she did. I can tell just by looking at her. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure she just had sex. Her hair is a bit ruffled. Her skin has a bit of a glow. She is very relaxed for someone whose husband's corpse is laying a few feet away. See, Gweg, I have an eye for detail and a great deductive mind. Putting 2 and 2 together is my specialty. By the way, the back of shirt is untucked and you may want to comb your hair. You look like you've been roughhousing with somebody.

Gweg: Thanks.

The rest of the wake went off without a hitch. Satyr didn't discover any new information and Gweg talked to some old friends.

The Day of the Funeral.

Gweg and Satyr were getting ready for the funeral.

Gweg was dressed. Satyr came out of his room, empty handed.

Gweg: No spy stuff today?

Satyr: They weren't helping me. I placed hidden microphones in the room, but all I could pick up is a bunch of people catching up on their lives and talking about the dead guy. And I could use my binoculars, because I would look suspicious.

Gweg: Like I said, you are not going to find anything. And you don't need to some to the funeral. People will just be sitting down through the service and talking about James. Nothing is going to happen.

Satyr: But something might. And I need to be there when it does. Besides, whoever was boning her might let something slip if he gives a speech, so I need to hear it. And if that doesn't work, I have a few tricks up my sleeve.

Gweg: Just behave yourself.

They arrived at the funeral home thirty minutes alter. They took their seats and the preacher began to read from the Bible. After some prayers, Gweg went up to give his eulogy.

Gweg: James Roberts was a very good friend. We met in Junior High when we had lockers right next to each other. Through out school, I could always count on James to get my back. He was always watching out for me, when the school bullies began to throw their food at me, James would put a stop to it.

Gweg paused when he heard Satyr let out a little laugh. He swallowed and continued.

Gweg: I had the pleasure of introducing Mindy to James. Mindy had moved in next door to me. Her family home schooled her, so James and her would never have known of each other. Having visited my new next door neighbors a few times, I knew this beautiful girl would be perfect for James. So I got the two together. Whenever Mindy wasn't looking, James would point to a place on her body and give me a thumbs up.

This time, several laughs came from room. This time Gweg was expecting it.

Gweg: When James and Mindy moved away, I felt they took a part of me with them. I missed them dearly but always kept in touch. James made sure I did. If I hadn't called within two days, James would call me up and give me hell. When they got married, I felt sorry that I couldn't be there, but was happy because I knew they were happy.

By this point, Satyr began wiping fake tears away from his face. He elbowed the person sitting next to him and began making a jerking -off gesture. Gweg continued on.

Gweg: When they moved back, I was thrilled. James had been through the Army, but hadn't seemed to change one bit. When he went to Iraq, I wasn't worried. If anyone could handle a war, it would be James.

Apparently not, Satyr thought.

Gweg: James asked me to look after Mindy while he was gone. And so I did. We spent many nights together talking about what a great guy James is. I'm sorry you're gone James, but I will always remember you. And I thank you for everything you have given me.

Gweg cast a quick guilty look over to Mindy. Stacy began to look Gweg with fury in her eyes. Satyr was too busy staring at his watch.

After the other people gave speeches about James, everyone got up and began to head out to their cars for the funeral procession.

Satyr and Gweg headed towards there car. They saw Mindy get into the front of the hearse.

Satyr: That's unusual. I've never seen a wife ride with the casket to the grave site.

Gweg: She wants to be with her husband on the way there. One last car ride together.

Satyr then saw the driver of the hearse. He was a shorter man with dirty blond hair.

Satyr: excuse me a second Gweg, I forgot something.

Satyr ran over to the hearse and pulled out a pill bottle. He gave a couple of the pills to Mindy. After Mindy took them, Satyr ran back over to his car.

Gweg: What was that about?

Satyr: I had some Prozac that I wanted to give her. To calm her down. She looked really upset.

Gweg: Yeah, that happens at funerals.

Satyr: You're upset too, maybe you should let me drive during this thing.

Gweg: Fine.

Gweg got into the car, just before Satyr could step in, Stacy ran up to him.

Stacy: Did you see what I saw? It was him!

Satyr: Yeah, I saw him too. Don't worry. I'm going to get the proof and expose her for what she is.

Stacy: I'm glad to hear it.

They got into their cars and rolled out.

The cemetery was 6 miles away.

Satyr and Gweg were five cars back from the hearse.

Satyr kept swerving the car over to the right and back again every so often.

Gweg: Why can't you drive in a straight line like everyone else?

Satyr: I'm looking for something.

Gweg: What?

Satyr: Oh, you'll see it.

Satyr checked his watch.

Satyr: It should have kicked in by now.

Gweg figured Satyr was talking about the Prozac, but then came to his sense.

Gweg: What should have kicked in by now?

Satyr smiled.

Satyr: I don't know why I need binoculars. My eyesight is great. I can see the hearse's side-view mirror just fine from here.

Gweg asked his question again.

Satyr: Remember my Satyr Spanish Fly. That's what I really gave her. The driver of the hearse, he's the one she's been cheating with. Now, I'm going to catch them in the act. NOW!

Satyr pulled out of the line and into the other lane. He sped up next to the hearse and pulled out a camera.

Satyr: Grab the wheel!

Satyr let go of the wheel and pulled a camera out of the car's console. Gweg grabbed ahold of the wheel.

In the hearse, Mindy was in the middle of giving the driver of the hearse a blow job.

Satyr: What a slut! I got her. Oh yeah, that's the money shot right there.

Satyr took several pictures. And in the process, fell on top of Gweg.

Gweg had lost control of the wheel and they swerved right into the hearse.

Unfortunately, the road they were on was on the top of a steep incline. The hearse had left the road and begin to roll down the side of the hill. It stopped when it hit a tree at the bottom of the incline.

Gweg and Satyr, along with other from the procession had made their way down to the accident, they had found their were two dead bodies in the hearse.

The casket had slid up into the cabin of the hearse and had decapitated Mindy

Gweg began to scream and cry. Satyr took his digital camera over to Stacy and showed her the pics.

Satyr: It's poetic ain't it. She lost her head after giving head.

Stacy: You're sick.

Satyr shrugged and took a couple pictures more pictures of Mindy.

Gweg finally got up and turned Satyr around to face him.

Gweg: You son of a bitch! You want the truth? It was me! I was the one she was sleeping with. You did all of this for nothing. It was me!

Satyr just stared at Gweg. He looked back at Mindy's decapitated body and back to Gweg.

Satyr: It was you the whole time?

Gweg wiped away his tears.

Gweg: Yes.

Satyr laughed.

Satyr: I don't buy that for a second.

The End.

Poetic Injustice: The Jaded Poet Story.

2008-02-05T05:02:00.001-05:00

As he watched the four residents of the duplex, he saw a curious sight. One of the members of the Power Pack had strolled up to the door. He opened the door without knocking, said "You have no idea" and stepped inside.

Jaded Poet watched this much interest. He stared through the binoculars, intent to read the lips of those talking inside. He could make out little from their movements, but he was able to get that Primus had left his team to join up with this group here.

Poet began to analyze what this meant. What it meant for this group here, what it meant for the Power Pack, and what it meant for The Agency, and what it meant for him.

Poet put down the binoculars and looked at his watch. Three hours he had spent watching the duplex. Three hours that would bring considerable pay, but this new development with Primus would bring even more.

Poet smiled. The Agency sure did love him. He was the only independent hitman they ever brought on as a full member. He had Lichton to thank for that.

Poet put his binoculars away and brought out his cell phone and his gun. He had to call Lichton to report in, but he got out his gun just in case.

Poet knew he always had to be ready for a kill, even when he was doing the most simple of tasks.

Two Years Ago

Woman: I just love your work.

Jaded Poet: Thank you.

Jaded Poet singed his name in her book and handed it back to her. She looked at it with a smile on her face and left.

Jaded Poet: Next please.

Jaded Poet, aka James Phearson, was at his book singing. His third published collection of poetry had hit the shelves and he was touring the book stores.

He hated autograph sessions.

There was nothing worse than to hear the most simple minded people recite his poetry. And they did it poorly. Always messing up lines, never catching the right tone, and never fully understanding the meaning. The only reason they read his work is because they wanted to appear sophisticated. All because he was Time's Poet Of The Year back in 2002. He had published his first collection that year and had gained a reputation of "being able to paint the most complicated of human emotions with his words". He had a strong fan following ever since.

Of course, he also had to deal with the Questions. The Questions were all the same. "What inspires you?" "How do you write this stuff?" "Who's your favorite poet?" "What's your favorite poem you wrote?"

He answers them, of course. Always with a smile on his face. And sometimes it's not a false smile. If they knew the answer to what inspires him, they would run away screaming.

The next fan came up and placed his copy of the book in front of Poet.

Jaded Poet: And who do I make this out?

The fan: To Brad Arliss. It's going to be a surprise to him. If you would, please write out "To Brad Arliss, Happy Birthday over there on 1623 Maple Street".

Jaded Poet looked up at the man.

Jaded Poet: Will do.

Poet handed the book back to him and continued the session for the next hour.

The next day Jaded Poet and the two lackey his publishers assigned to him on this tour had packed up their things and left town.

That night they had stopped at a motel to catch some rest.

Jaded Poet: You guys good?

Lackey 1: Yes. Mr. Phearson.

Jaded Poet: Good. I'm going to go out for a drive. I'll be gone for a couple hours. I'll call you on your cells if I get into trouble.

Lackey 2: What are you going out for?

Jaded Poet: Inspiration.

Jaded Poet had drove back into town. He had parked his car on the 1400 block of Maple Street, got out and began to walk.

He strolled right up to 1623 and knocked on the door.

A man answered. He looked tired and surprised.

The Man: It's a little too late to be knocking on people's doors, don't you agree?

Jaded Poet: Just because a visitor makes his arrival at your door, it doesn't mean you have to answer. Alas, you did, so you must be a lonely man who welcomes all company at even the most odd of hours. Is that accurate, Mr. Brad Arliss?

The man blinked his eyes in surprise and the sound of his name.

Brad: Well, since you know my name, you might give me the pleasure of knowing yours.

Jaded Poet: My name is a gift best presented to those who have invited me into the comfort of their homes.

Brad: In that case, come on in.

Jaded Poet entered Brad's house and took a look around. He was able to surmise that Mr. Arliss did indeed live alone.

Jaded Poet: It looks as those my speculation of your living environment was correct.

Brad: I guess. Now how about you give me your name and and the reason you are here.

Jaded Poet: For all intents and purposes, my name at this particular juncture in both of our lives shall remain anonymous. My reason for being here is simple: I was sent here.

Brad: To do what?

Jaded Poet: To give you this.

Poet handed Brad a piece of paper.

Brad: And what am I supposed to do with this?

Jaded Poet: Read it.

Brad: Why?

Jaded Poet smiled and took a gun out of his inner coat pocket.

Jaded Poet: Because everybody deserves to say something beautiful before they die.

Brad stared at the gun. The paper trembling in his hands.

Jaded Poet: It's very simple Brad. You read the poem there, out loud, and I kill you swiftly and with no pain. You don't read the poem, then you make this operation very difficult. Not for me, but for yourself. The end result will be the same. You will die.

Brad: It's them, ain't it? They sent you here.

Jaded Poet: That's not for me to say Brad. It doesn't matter anymore. The only thing that matters is that you have one last chance to introduce something magnificent into your life before die.

Brad began to read the poem.

Brad: "As I end my exasperated voyage, I am content with shedding all of this foliage. The growth of pain and misery, shall be nothing but a history. And so it was, as the day I was born, I shall die clean, no longer tainted and worn" Nice fucking poem.

Jaded Poet produced a dagger out of his sleeve and lunged at Brad, slicing his throat.

Brad collapsed to the floor clutching his throat, looking at Poet with betrayed eyes.

Jaded Poet: I didn't appreciate your tone or the snide comment.

Jaded Poet pulled a cloth out of his pocket, wiped the blood off of the dagger and placed it back into the sheath hidden in his sleeve.

As Brad let out his last breath, Poet walked out, went back to his car, and drove back to the motel.

One Month Later

Jaded Poet was relaxing in his home when he received a call from his publishing agent, Maria

Maria: Guess what James! I got more exciting news!

Jaded Poet: That's great Maria. What is it?

Maria: That anonymous fan of your has agreed to pay for more of your original drafts. And at the same price as the other ones! If this guy keeps buying more, you could retire at a very early age!

Jaded Poet: Thanks for the good news Maria.

Maria: It's my pleasure. I can't wait to read your next set. Bye!

Poet hung the phone up and sighed. If she only knew.

The death of Brad Arliss had gave Poet exactly what he was looking for. Inspiration. He was already well into writing one of his famous free verse poems when someone began knocking on his door.

Jaded Poet: 'Tis some visitor, tapping at my chamber door. Only this and nothing more.

Poet got up from his writing desk and called out to the person behind the door.

Jaded Poet: How may I help you?

The person behind the door spoke: My name is Ted Lichton. I'm from The Agency.

Poet immediately reached for his gun and tucked it into his back pocket. He opened the door.

Lichton: Thank you for letting me in. We need to talk.

Poet pulled out the gun.

Lichton looked at it calmly.

Lichton: Please don't get the wrong idea, Mr. Phearson. I am not here for insidious reasons. I am here to offer you an invitation.

Jaded Poet put the gun away.

Jaded Poet: This is very unexpected. I was under the impression that I would never have direct contact with anyone from your organization.

Lichton: That was plan. But you have many people in The Agency looking your way. Take your last month's kill for example. You did leave a bit of a bloody mess, but once again, no sounds were heard from the neighbors and no one saw a thing. That was the tenth kill you have done for us and the results have always been the same.

Jaded Poet: Thank you.

Lichton: I'm what you would call a headhunter. I seek out those who would be best suited to work for us. I found you. I'll admit, your prices were steep, but I convinced my bosses to get in contact with you. Therefor your performance has also reflected back on me. I have been promoted.

Jaded Poet: Congratulations. We should celebrate this splendid occasion.

Lichton: Wonderful idea.

Poet and Lichton went into the kitchen. Poet brought out a glass of champagne and poured two glasses.

Jaded Poet: A toast. To The Agency.

Lichton: To The Agency.

The drank the champagne and Lichton motioned to the kitchen table.

Lichton: Let's have a seat.

They sat down and Lichton brought out a notebook he had in his tote bag.

Lichton: Telling you about my promotion is now the only reason I'm here.

Jaded Poet: No?

Lichton: No. I'm here to interview you.

Lichton smiled as he said interview. It did not go unnoticed by Poet.

Jaded Poet: Is this for The Agency Times?

Lichton laughed.

Lichton: No. This is for my bosses. They want an in depth profile on you.

Jaded Poet: My I inquire why?

Lichton: Of course. We have been on the lookout for a special enforcer. A cleaner, if you will. Someone who can take care of certain messes we can't deal with normally.

Jaded Poet: And I am up for this job.

Lichton: Yes. I have nominated you. I have great confidence in you, but they need testaments of all candidates. So, let's begin shall we?

Poet nodded.

Lichton: When did you first learn you were capable of killing?

Poet's eyes searched over Lichton for a few seconds then became contemplative. Poet sat still for a few seconds than answered.

Jaded Poet: The first time I killed a man.

Lichton: Touché. What drove you to kill him?

Jaded Poet: He asked me to.

Lichton was looking down into his notebook as he was writing, but glanced up at Poet's answer.

Lichton: He asked you to?

Jaded Poet: That's correct.

Lichton: Why?

Jaded Poet: He was my neighbor. I was 15 at the time. He stopped by house one afternoon to ask me a favor. He handed me a $50 bill and gave me instructions. Turns out, that 50 was the last money he had. He had gambled most of his savings away, including his daughter's trust fund. He gave me the last of his money to burn his house down. With him in it. We wanted it to look like an arson had struck him while he was asleep. I figured out a way to make it look like an accident. His wife and daughter collected on his insurance and received a new house. No one suspected foul play.

Lichton: So, you killed a man so his family would benefit. Now you are killing strangers for money. Why the transition?

Jaded Poet: As I watched his house burn. I began to think. I thought about his wife and daughter and their loss. I focused on their pain of losing this man they loved over something so foolish. And I considered in my own part in their loss. I could have talked him out of it, but I didn't. I adopted his misery as my own. I now worried about his family. I wrote my first poem that night, pouring my torment onto page. I fell in love with what I wrote and never once regretted what I did to that family afterwards. I tried writing more poems, but none of them lived up to the one I wrote after the fire.

Lichton was writing all of this down. Poet took a drink and continued his story.

Jaded Poet: I dreaded that whatever poetic inspiration I had in that one day was a fluke. Of course, I realized that my preoccupation with the family's suffering is what led to my poetic conception. I needed more. I had to create more misery in order for my talent to produce. I went hunting. Not animals though. I found a bum. He had set up home underneath a railroad bridge that passed over a creek. Knowing he had no family to care for him, I had to figure out a way to feel sorry for his death. So, I filled him up with hope. I gave him some food and drink and told him a tale. One where I was going to be able to find him a real home, get him started on a well paying job, and get his life back on track. The promise of a better life had filled his eyes. I then took out a knife and watched that hope drain out of his eyes. I stabbed him in the side first, to make sure he was aware of my deception before I killed him. The look of betrayal never left his eyes. The poem I wrote that night is the one that opens my first published collection.

Lichton had stopped writing half way through. He had never heard of such a thing. In all of his years working for The Agency, he had never been as stunned as he was now.

He collected himself and finished writing in the notebook. He looked back up at Poet.

Lichton: So, let me get this clear. You kill people so you can write your poems.

Jaded Poet: That is one way of looking at it. I kill people to feel pain and I release that pain through words.

Lichton: So, it's the pain that makes you write?

Jaded Poet: A poet is nothing without his suffering.

Lichton: Fair enough. So, why become a hitman?

Poet smiled at this.

Jaded Poet: If I'm going to kill people, I might as well get paid for it.

Lichton continued his interview for another two hours.

Lichton: Ok, that should wrap it up. You'll be going back on your book singing tour this month right?

Jaded Poet: That's the plan.

Lichton: Excellent. We'll have more work for you.

Lichton gathered his thing. Poet walked him to the door.

Lichton: I hope they pick you. I think you'd be a great asset for The Agency.

Jaded Poet: Thank you. Have a good night Mr. Lichton.

Lichton: You too. And please, call me Ted.

Poet nodded and Lichton left.

Poet stood there, wondering what he was getting himself into. He decided to dismiss the thoughts for now, and began to concentrate on preparation for the rest of his book tour.

One Week Later.

Poet was in a new town on his touring stops. There usually was a reason for a new town to pop up on his map. He was going to have another target there.

And like most of the towns on his book tour, this one was full of idiots on the bandwagon.

Emo Fan: Your poems, like, are the words my soul has been tryin to say for the longest time now. That one poem you wrote, "In The Mirror". How'd that go? "The road your on is near the end. The long journey is yours to defend. The answer you're seeking is near. Your worst enemy is the mirror." That stuff is awesome. I cried. Thank you.

Jaded Poet: You're welcome.

Poet signed his book and the emo kid left. Poet hoped the kid was as good at cutting his wrists as he was at butchering that poem.

The next person came up to the table. He sat a book down in front of Poet.

Jaded Poet: And who do I make this out to?

The Fan: Derrick Reynolds. It's a gift. Please sign it, "Happy Anniversary Derrick. Have another great 15 years of marriage there on 1919 Liberty Street.

Jaded Poet: Will do. Thanks for reading.

Poet handed the book back and let out a sigh of relief. That part was over, now he had to finish pleasing the chumps and he'd be out of the hell hole.

Jaded Poet: Next please.

As Poet called that out, he glanced out of the book store window to see his messenger get into a car. The next fan had began reading a line of his poetry. It was a female voice, and the way she was reciting grabbed his attention.

The Woman: "A smile, a most deadly smile sits upon an innocent face. Trust is not something I give to one with such grace. /Staring at each other for a while, time goes by without a trace. Is dying a better option than to live? You say you just made your case. /The sounds are getting louder, it's time for a change of pace. We come together you and I and we share warm embrace./ Turning ourselves into powder, to see which one wins the race. You took our love and let it die, still keeping your innocent face."

Jaded Poet looked up at the woman. The woman was moderately attractive. Not a real knockout, but cute in her own way. But that didn't matter to Poet. The way she had recited his poetry made her the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She had set her book down for Poet to sign. It was "A Jaded Poet".

Jaded Poet: "Innocent Face". Nobody has ever recited that one to me. Whom do I make this out to?

The Woman: Emily Page.

Jaded Poet: Why Innocent Face?

Emily: The woman in the poem, you seem to make her out to be a woman who has scorned you, yet tries to hide it unsuccessfully.

Jaded Poet: Go on.

Emily: Yet you are the guilty one in the relationship. You are the one that screwed up and she still feels love and sympathy for you, but decided to end it for the better. Then you both have one final love making session, and you blame her the whole time. "Is dying a better option than to live". That's her ending the relationship. The relationship is dying and it's for the good. "The sounds are getting louder" That's you two arguing. "Turning ourselves into powder, to see which one wins the race". That's you two making love. But not really. It's her way of saying goodbye and your way of saying "stay". The conflict is grinding you both up into pieces.

Jaded Poet: Excellent. You are the first one to properly analyze that one.

Jaded Poet stood up and bowed. Emily blushed.

Emily: Thanks.

Jaded Poet: I feel as though I owe you something. Such a rare treat has never manifested before me. Shall I be so bold as to take you out to a dinner?

Emily was speechless.

Jaded Poet: The whole thing will be my treat, of course.

Emily: Uh, yeah, that'd be great.

Jaded Poet: Very well. Shall we meet here at say, 8 PM tomorrow and go from there.

Emily: It's a date.

Poet smiled and bowed again. The rest of the autograph session breezed by.

The Next Day.

Poet was finished getting dressed in his motel room. He walked over to the room where the lackeys were staying. He knocked and entered.

Jaded Poet: I will be taking a leave tonight gentlemen.

Lackey 1: Off to get more inspiration?

Poet smiled.

Jaded Poet: Yes. And I have a date.

The lackeys gasped.

Lackey 2: Mr. Phearson, it's about time you get some tail.

Jaded Poet: Thank you. And don't wait up for me.

The lackeys laughed.

Poet left the motel at 6 0'clock. He got into his car and pulled a suitcase out of the back. In it was a disguise. He drove around the town for a few minutes, found a secluded spot, and changed into the disguise.

He then drove his car to a nearby laundromat. He parked it, got out, and walked two blocks to a supermarket.

When the coast was clear, he hot wired a Buick Century and drove to 1919 Liberty Street.

He arrived in front of the house at 6:45.

Poet walked up to the house and knocked on the door. Derrick Reynolds answered.

Derrick: Who's there?

Poet cleared in voice and began to talk with a southern accent, masking his real voice.

Jaded Poet: Mister Reynolds, I am the Clerk of the Court and I am here to issue you subpoena.

Derrick opened the door angrily.

Derrick: What the hell! It's that fucking bitch of an ex-wife of mine, isn't it?

Jaded Poet: Mister Reynolds, I don't know about any of that, all I know is I'm here to give you this message. May I step inside for just one quick second?

Derrick: Just give me the subpoena and get the fuck out of here.

Jaded Poet: Mister Reynolds, we have another matter to discuss and it's a bit cold out here, so if you wouldn't mind just letting me in for a few and then I can be on my way.

Derrick stepped back from the door.

Derrick: Be my guest.

Poet entered the house and did a quick survey.

Derrick: So, what's up?

Jaded Poet: You said you have an ex-wife. Did you and she have any children?

Derrick: Yeah, we have a 12 year old son.

Jaded Poet: And where is the child now?

Derrick: Up in his room doing his homework.

Jaded Poet smiled. He was able to appreciate pain more when it dealt with a child.

Derrick: Does my kid have something to do with this?

Jaded Poet: Not yet.

Derrick looked at Poet, puzzled.

Derrick: Well, give me that damned subpoena. I want to read it.

Poet handed Derrick the paper in his hand.

Derrick scanned over it.

Derrick: This is a poem.

Jaded Poet: Yes it is. Why don't you read it out loud.

Derrick gave Poet a disgusted look and threw the paper to the ground.

Derrick: No more fucking games. Tell me what you are doing here.

Derrick pulled out a gun.

Poet anticipated this. He began to talk in his Poetic voice

Jaded Poet: The abnegation of your undertaking appears to be a forfeiture of that you hold dear.

Poet's words confused Derrick, so much that he dropped his guard for a second.

And in that second, Poet made his move.

Poet grabbed an ashtray that was near his hand and hurled it at Derrick. It hit Derrick in the hand, causing him to drop the gun. Derrick bent down to retrieve it.

Poet rammed himself into Derrick, causing them both to fall backwards. Poet picked himself up immediately. Derrick lunged at Poet's legs. Poet jumped and kicked Derrick in the face. Derrick's nose ruptured. As the blood ran down his face, Derrick brought his attention to his nose. Poet removed a knife. Neither of them saw Derrick's son, Rob, come down the stairs.

Rob: Dad, what's going on?

Derrick turned at the sound of his son's voice.

Derrick: Nothing Robbie. Run back up stairs.

Rob: You're bleeding dad.

Derrick: I know son. Don't worry.

Derrick looked at Poet.

Derrick: Please. Not my son. Leave him alone.

Jaded Poet: I have no business with your son. Just you and you alone.

Derrick: Fine. But not in front of him.

Jaded Poet: That's up to you.

Poet retrieved the poem Derrick had thrown to floor. He handed it back to him.

Jaded Poet: Read it.

Derrick: No. I'd rather my son watch me die than to read that garbage.

Jaded Poet: So be it.

Poet quickly stabbed Derrick in both lungs, thorax, and stomach.

Jaded Poet: This is going to be painful.

Poet grabbed Derrick's gun and pointed it at Rob.

Jaded Poet: Don't move. Watch.

Derrick's death took longer than expected. After Derrick died, Poet spoke to Rob.

Jaded Poet: I am going to leave now. Wait ten minutes then call the cops. I'll be watching. If you call them any earlier, I will kill you. Ok?

Rob stared at the body of his father and nodded.

Poet left, got in the Buick and drove three blocks away from the laundromat in a back alley.

He wiped the Buick out, hid behind some bushes, changed back into his original clothes and took of his disguise. He then walked back to his car.

It was 7:40.

At 8 o'clock, he pulled up in front of the book store.

Emily greeted him.

Emily: Right on time.

Jaded Poet: I do my best to be punctual.

Poet had a sly grin on his face.

Emily: You look like the cat that swallowed the canary.

Jaded Poet: Merely an appetizer. What restaurant shall we go to?

Emily: How about Ted's?

Jaded Poet: Then we shall dine there.

The drove to Ted's Fine Dining Steakhouse.

They got a table and began their date.

Jaded Poet: So, why my poetry?

Emily smiled. She had been infatuated with man in front of her ever since she picked up his first poetry collection. She could hardly believe she was now sitting here having dinner with him.

Emily: Are you implying you are the only poet I read?

Jaded Poet: Of course not. But why read my poetry?

Emily: It's cheaper than buying sleeping pills all the time.

Poet laughed. The majority of his fans spent their time trying to kiss his ass. This one was relaxed, making jokes, and having a good time. Poet could read her body language and knew she liked more than just his poetry.

Jaded Poet: So, my poems are the cure for insomnia. Won't the medical world be pleased?

Emily laughed.

Emily: No, your poems are the cause of insomnia. I spent a whole night reading that first collection. The same with other ones.

Jaded Poet: All night reading? You must have gotten one hell of a headache.

Emily: Please. You must have me mistaken for one of those morons who claim to be one of your fans so they can look cool to their buddies.

Poet couldn't hide a smile any longer.

Jaded Poet: You don't know how long I have waited for somebody to recognize that, other than myself.

Emily: I heard the morons chatter away, talking about your poetry as though they knew it forwards and backwards. The only guy who didn't talk was the one in front of me. But I heard him say it was a gift to somebody, so I guess he wasn't a fan.

Poet started to tense up at this, but relaxed when he realized Emily didn't hear the name.

Jaded Poet: So, I'm sure you know quite a bit about me. My biography is on the dust jacket after all. I want to know about you.

Emily: There's not much really. I'm probably the most boring girl you'll ever meet.

Jaded Poet: I write poems. My life isn't full of excitement. Your life might seem like the Adventures of Indiana Jones next to mine.

Emily blushed once again.

Emily: I lived here all my life. I work at Starbucks. I have two brothers and no sisters. My mom was always there for us, my dad spent of the time on the road. He was a negotiator. Not the cop kind, but a busisness one. When he was home, I was daddy's little girl. He spend time with the boys, playing catch and doing all the father stuff. But with me, he would read me bed time stories. Not the usual ones, but he would tell me about his business trips and make everyone seem like a fantasy character. He was really good at that. He died a few years ago.

Jaded Poet: I'm sorry to hear that.

Emily: Thank you. What about your family?

Jaded Poet: Only child. My parents were both factory workers. They're retired now.

Emily: That's all.

Jaded Poet: I told my story would be more boring than what you believed yours to be.

Emily: I think you're hiding something.

Jaded Poet: Mayhap I am. But would you rather have be bring everything out in the open tonight or reveal more as we go along?

Emily: So, are you asking me out to another date?

Jaded Poet: I have one more stop on the book tour to go to. that city west of here, I forget the name, but after that, I'm free. And I would like to celebrate the end of my tour with another dinner with you.

Emily: I can hardly wait.

They continued with their date for another hour, talking about their favorite poets. After dinner, they walked out to their cars.

Emily: So, when you are done with the tour, stop by my house and I'll fix you dinner.

Jaded Poet: Sounds wonderful.

Emily gave him her address and left home. Poet went back to the hotel.

Lackey 1: Hey boss, welcome back. How was the date?

Jaded Poet: Inspiring.

Poet sat down at the desk in his room. He took out his pencil and began to write. The pain of the boy witnessing his father's death was not what was driving his hand. The only thing producing the poetry this time was the thought of Emily.

Jaded Poet had found a muse.

The next day they had set up the autograph booth at the final stop. It was a convention. Poet hated these the most. They lasted forever.

In between autographs, Poet would constantly look at his watch, time seemed to be moving slower. And the questions kept getting repetitive and more stupid.

Fat Fan: When the next book coming out James?

Thin Fan: Where's Stephen King's booth? Is he even here?

Old Lady Fan: My granddaughter just loves your poems. She's always trying to get me to read them, but my eyes these days, I can only read those books that have the big letters. They don't have your book in the big letters. Can you out one out in the big letters?

Another Emo Fan: Hey. I wrote some poetry too. Why don't you read it and tell me what you think.

Hours went by.

He looked at his watch. one lats time. Ten minutes till the event was over. Poet was never more relieved.

The last fan walked up to his booth and sat a book down in front of him.

Jaded Poet: Who do I make this out to?

The Fan: To Emily Page. It's a present. Could you write "To Emily. Have a Happy Birthday there on 2348 Maple drive"?

Poet returned to his motel room, livid.

He called up his agent, Maria. She answered the phone in her usually chirpy voice.

Maria: James, what can I do for you.

Jaded Poet: Get me Lichton.

Maria: Who?

Poet became pissed.

Jaded Poet: Don't play dumb with me Maria. You know goddamn well I wasn't born yesterday. I know you work for them, it wasn't a big fucking secret. So, you get that son of a bitch Lichton for me right now!

For a few seconds, there was no answer. Then Maria spoke, in a much flatter tone.

Maria: Ok James. I'll try to reach him.

Maria hung up the phone. Poet sat on the edge of his bed, and stared.

Three hours later, Lichton showed up at Poet's door.

Lichton entered. Poet waited for an answer.

Lichton: There's no use in bullshitting you. We know you had a date with her.

Jaded Poet: Is this a test? To see if I'm worthy to be your enforcer?

Lichton: Yes and no. She's been on our list for a few years now. She never represented a real threat, until now.

Jaded Poet: I think you better elaborate.

Lichton: I will. Her father worked for us. He was loyal, never told anybody what he was doing for us. Or so we thought. He had a death bed confession he made to his old partner, who was there by his side. He confessed that he told his daughter stories of what he did. He said he mentioned real names and sand kept some details in. He told this to his partner in confidence. Which his partner then told us. His loyalties lies with The Agency, not his friend. That's something we value, James. Loyalty.

Jaded Poet: Why me?

Lichton: I picked you. It was supposed to be passed on to someone else. You already had a name for that town.

Jaded Poet: What makes you think I'm going to kill her?

Lichton: She is a target. If you don't kill her, somebody else will. And trust me, not all of our killers have poetic hearts. This way, you can choose the best way for her to be eliminated. Unless...

Jaded Poet: Unless what?

Lichton: Well, this is just between you and me. If you can figure out a way to make her "gone" so that she's not on The Agency's radar anymore, than by all means, do it.

Poet looked at Lichton. Lichton gave no indication that he was lying about that possibility.

Jaded Poet: Make her "gone".

Lichton: Yes, James. Whatever way you feel is best for everybody.

Lichton left the room. Poet sat on the edge of the bed the rest of the night.

The Next Day.

Poet arrived at Emily's house. She saw him pull up and greeted him at the door.

Emily: I'm so glad you came!

Jaded Poet: Me too.

Emily could tell there was something off.

Emily: What's wrong?

Jaded Poet: I'm just tired. Little sleep.

Emily: Me too. I'm making some tuna noodle casserole? You like?

Jaded Poet: One of my favorites.

Emily gave Poet a quick tour of her house. She brought him to the small dining room and went into the kitchen to check on the food.

Poet removed a piece of paper from his pocket, glanced over it and stuffed it back in.

Emily came out minutes late, with the casserole.

Emily: It came out all right. I hope it's good.

Jaded Poet: I'm sure it will be. So, been bragging to your friends that you're going out with a world renowned poet?

Emily laughed.

Emily: Not yet, you're my little secret. It seems whenever I brag about things, they have a tendency to fall apart. I don't want this to fall apart.

Poet nodded.

Emily: Ok, all we need is the wine now. Let me go get it.

Jaded Poet: Allow me.

Emily: Go ahead.

Poet walked into the kitchen and made two glasses. He brought them out and sat back down.

Jaded Poet: Before we begin, I want to ask you a question.

Emily: What is it?

Jaded Poet: Is there anything keeping you in this town?

Emily: Not really. My family is still here. My mom and brothers. But I hardly visit them any more as it is. Why?

Poet hesitated.

Jaded Poet: If I were to leave tomorrow, to go to Europe or something. Would you come with me?

Emily was shocked at the question.

Emily: James, we really don't know each other that well. Yeah, I've read your poetry sand know some facts about you, but you may be someone completely different behind your own doors. And even if that's not the case, you may find out I'm not everything you think I am.

Jaded Poet: That ok. Just a silly thought in my head. Don't worry about it.

They sat there in silence for a few moments, neither of them moving. Finally, Emily spoke.

Emily: Screw it. Let's do it.

Jaded Poet: What?

Emily: Yeah. Let's go. This is the kind of fairy tales girls dream about when they are young. The young dashing poet comes in and scoops of the girl and takes her to places she's never been.

Jaded Poet: Girls dream of poets?

Emily: Yes. So yeah, let's do it.

Emily picked up her glass.

Emily: A toast to Europe.

Jaded Poet: Wait a second, I have something else.

Emily; What is it?

Jaded Poet: I wrote you a poem.

Poet took the paper back out of his pocket and handed it to her. She unfolded it and began to read it to herself.

Jaded Poet: Read it out loud. I love hearing you read my poetry.

Emily: Ok. "Everything just disappears. Darkness becomes it's disguise. I see a window into paradise, while I am looking through your eyes./I manage to forget all of my fears. The thought of pain is a bundle of lies. My feelings are wonderful and nice, because I am looking through your eyes./ So much emotion, it brings me to tears. Time stands still, and the pain just dies. To find true happiness, I need no advice. All I do, is look through your eyes.

Emily read the poem to herself again. She began to tear up.

Emily: I love this. Thank you. It's not like your other poems. This one is really beautiful.

Jaded Poet: I'm glad you think so.

He held up his glass and so did she. They both took a drink.

Emily's head fell to the table, making a sickening thud. The life in her was gone.

Poet sat there for what seemed like an eternity. Finally he got up. He took his dinner plate and both glasses to the kitchen, cleaned them and placed them back into their cabinets.

He collected his poem, and placed it back into pocket.

Jaded Poet: Goodbye Emily.

Poet left the house.

He would never go on a book tour again. Claiming he was burnt out on poetry, he took an early retirement from writing and left the spotlight that had been on him since his poetry first became famous.

Present Day.

Jaded Poet reached for his phone and called Lichton.

Jaded Poet: A situation has risen here sir.

Lichton: What is it?

Jaded Poet: The Pack member called Primus has allied himself with our group here.

Lichton: Interesting. Ok, we'll pool our info and see where we go from here. Come back to base Poet.

Jaded Poet: On my way.

Lichton hung up the phone. He was not alone in his office. Agent Travis was with him.

Travis: What's going on?

Lichton: Seems Primus may have switched sides.

Travis: Could be a trick. Pretending to be a defector just to get info.

Lichton: Could be, but I doubt it. Not the Power Pack's style. I'll wait and see what Poet has to say about all of this.

Travis: Why do you trust him so much? Do you think he is really that loyal to The Agency?

Lichton: No, far from it. He loyalties lies with one thing. Pain. Once, bringing pain to others is what gave him his drive. then he discovered that bringing pain onto himself was even better. He hates working for us, which is exactly why he'll keep working for us.

Travis: That makes no sense.

Lichton smiled.

Lichton: A poet is nothing without his suffering.

The End

The Power Pack in "Femme Fatales!"

2007-08-20T06:03:00.000-04:00

We find out heroes desperate to find some information on their new enemy, The Agency. Primus has been sitting at the computer for four hours trying to find whatever he can.

Primus: I give up! I can't find a damn thing on them. It's like they don't even exist!

Pillz: Are you sure you are using that search engine right.

Primus: Yes. I've been doing advanced searches and I have used about every single Internet search engine available.

Pero: Did you use the Google?

Primus: Yes. That was the first one I used.

Primus was getting annoyed with their questions. All of his life, people always assumed he never knew what he was doing. He could only take so much of it.

Pillz: Maybe you just aren't looking in the right places.

Primus: That's it! If you think you can do better, by all means, sit down and search! And if you can find anything, I'll be the first to get on my knees and suck the mighty dick of Pillz!

Pillz: Hey! There is no need to get fired up! I'm just trying to help.

Primus: Well, I'm getting a little sick of the "Primus is incompetent" attitude you always have. I have done everything, and that includes even trying to use my powers to bring up something. I have found nothing.

Pillz: Ok, ok. I apologize. We just need to take a break from all of this.

Pero: You have powers Primus?

Primus just stared at him.

Pillz: Ok guys, listen up. The mayor needs us to help him with problem. Seems there is a gang of bank robbers out there.

Primus: Fantastic! We get to take a break from fighting The Agency by fighting bank robbers.

Pillz: As long as there is crime and injustice in the world, crime fighters never get to take vacations.

Primus: How long have you waited to use that in a conversation?

Pillz: A week. I thought it up when I was making plans for a vacation.

Pero: My cousin David has been on vacation for a long time. At least that's where my mother told me he went. He went on vacation right after he showed up at school dressed up as Don Quixote and went around spreading his feces on the wall.

Pillz: Well, we won't be taking that kind of vacation. At least not all of us.

Primus: What are you looking at me for?

Pillz: No reason. Ok, let's back on topic here: The bank robbers.

Primus: Let's just get out there and kick these guy's asses.

Pillz: They are girls.

Primus: What?

Pillz: 3 of them to be exact. Witnesses say that two of them are dressed up as cats and the other one is dressed up in what appears to be a dominatrix costume. The dominatrix appears to be the leader.

Primus: I might have a problem with this.

Pillz: Why?

Primus: Well, they are girls. I can't fight girls.

Pillz: When it comes to evil, there is no gender. And before you ask, I just came up with that.

Primus: I just don't know about this.

Pero: I'll tell you all this, if those hos want to step up to Pero's plate, I'll give them a bitch slapping they won't soon forget.

Pillz: That's the spirit Pero. See, he's got the right attitude.

Primus: Good for him. I'm still not going to be comfortable with this.

Pillz: That's fine. Let's go to the last bank they robbed and look at their security video.

As our heroes go to the bank, let's check out their latest enemies, who are shacked up in the duplex they are renting together.

Radioactive Dude: What in the Sam Hill are all these boxes doing out here.

Evil Gnome: Oh, those must be my new lawn gnomes. Sorry, I should have told you I was expecting a delivery.

Radioactive Dude: Don't worry 'bout it partner.

Evil Gnome: The new gnomes are custom made. I had them designed with machine guns and swords and all sorts of neat gimmicks.

Radioactive Dude: That's good thinking there Gnome. That's the kind of ingenuity that's going to get us ahead. Coming up with new ideas to improve our game.

Dealy Llama: Me and Mrs. have been working on doing just that. Want to see the video?

Radioactive Dude: I think I'll pass. Especially since you've had your missus transformed into a donkey most of the week.

Dealy Llama: We're just trying to reach out to all markets.

Dealy Llama honked his nose and the Mrs. turned into Brad Pitt.

Dealy Llama: See that? That is how we are going to fund this little operation.

Evil Gnome: Let me guess. You are going to film yourself having sex with the Mrs, while she looks like Brad Pitt, and then blackmail him for money not to release the tape.

Dealy Llama looked over at his Mrs and smiled brightly.

Dealy Llama: Blackmail him! That's an even better idea.

Radioactive Dude: Well, I'll leave you to take care of that. In the meantime, we are going to have some guests tonight.

Evil Gnome: Don't tell me The Agency is going to send somebody over.

Radioactive Dude: Not that I'm aware of. No, our gusts are going to be of the female bank robbing variety.

Evil Gnome: Those three women that have been robbing the banks? Why exactly are they coming here?

Radioactive Dude: Well, I happened to be in the area of their last bank robbery and I followed them. After I caught up with them, I introduced myself and offered them our support. They are coming over to discuss a possible alliance.

Evil Gnome: With no offense to the Mrs. over there, it has been my experience that women are not to be trusted.

Radioactive Dude: Then we best keep on our toes. Come on, let's tidy up and have this place looking purty for our new friends.

Meanwhile, our heroes are checking out the surveillance tape.

Primus: Well, you have to hand it to them, they sure are hot.

Pillz: Don't let their sexuality fool you. These women are dangerous. You saw what that one did with the whip.

Primus: I can't even make one simple little comment without you blowing it out of proportion.

Pillz: That's not what I'm doing. I know how your mind works. You have to realize that we are going to fight these women. The last thing this team needs is for you to back down from the fight because you are too busy fantasizing about them.

Primus: I'm still not excited about fighting women. Unlike your mother, mine taught me how to be a gentleman.

Pillz: You are right. Mine taught me that if I was ever in a fight with a woman, I should have paid up front. Let's not have this argument now. We need to study this tape.

Pero: Can I have a copy of it to study in my room tonight?

Pillz comptemplated on exactly what Pero meant by this. Innocent comment or not, it wouldn't hurt to give Pero a copy.

Pillz: Sure Pero. Primus take notes. The leader walks in and begins to sing. Her song seems to put all of the people in the bank in a trance. Except this man, who happens to be deaf. He runs toward the three women. At this point, the one cat dressed as a tiger, hell let's call her Julie Newmar for the time being, thrust her hands out in front of her revealing claws at the tips of each of her fingers. This scares the man and he takes off running in the other direction. The Michelle Pheifer catwoman than takes out her whip and manages to catch the man and ties him up with the whip. The two cats then get the cash while the leader stands guard. Ten minutes in and out. They are pros.

Pero: Maybe they are men dressed up in drag.

Primus: Why would you think that?

Pero: I saw that movie about Julie Newmar.

Pillz: Never mind Pero, these are women. This is going to be just like out first case, Primus. We are going to mark down all the banks they hit on a map and see if we can't find a pattern. If we do, we will stake out the next bank. But first, we need to profile their powers here and develop a defense strategy against them.

Primus: Fine. Let's get to it.

As the heroes were strategizing, the Fucktastic Four were getting ready for their guests.

Radioactive Dude: The Fucktastic Four?

Dealy Llama: Hell yeah! You know damn well we need a name. And that's a name ain't nobody going to forget.

Evil Gnome: It does have a certain ring to it.

Radioactive Dude: Well, if you three are pleased with it, then I reckon it's all right with me as well.

Dealy Llama: Fucktastic! So, when are these bitches supposed to get here?

Radioactive Dude: Should be any minute now. Remember to be ready for anything.

Moments later, there was a knock at the door.

Evil Gnome: I'll get it.

Gnome walked to the door and opened it. The three femme fatales walked in.

Evil Gnome: Hello ladies, let me introduce you to the people in the room. The cowboy over there you all already know is Radioactive Dude. The two couples over there are Dealy Llama and his Mrs. and I am known as Evil Gnome.

Evil Gnome took the hand of the nearest woman and kissed the back of her hand.

The Lady blushed.

The Lady: Well, let me introduce you to us. I am the Sadistic Siren, although you may all call me Saddy. The tigress over here is Purrrrrrr and the black cat here is MED.

The three ladies bowed to their hosts.

Dealy Llama: Well, let's get this fuckin party started!

MED: You certainly do have a mouth on you.

Dealy Llama: Bitch, that ain't the only thing I have on me that'll amaze you.

Saddy started at Llama.

Saddy: You need to watch yourself around us boy.

MED: Oh lighted up Saddy, he's kind of cute.

Radioactive Dude: You'll have to pardon him, mam. His mouth is faster than his mind.

Med: Along with other things I'm sure.

Llama wasn't sure how to take that comment.

Saddy: Anyway, what is the purpose of our little meeting?

Radioactive Dude: The reason that I asked you ladies to visit us is one out of self-preservation. For all of us. As you ladies are now high profiled criminals, it's only a matter of time before you have a run in with the Power Pack.

Purrrrrrr: What? Those 3 little boys? I'm sure we would have no problem dealing with them.

Evil Gnome: With all due respect miss, but we've fought them ourselves and they no how to fight. I'm more than certain that they are not something you can just brush off.

Saddy: That may be, but we have powers of our own that will handle the Power Pack's powers. My singing voice can stop any man. MED is excellent with the whip, and Purrrrrrr can move with the grace of a cat.

Dealy Llama: Those powers suck! "Ooohhh. Look at me, I can use a whip!" Wow, whoopdy-doo! And the reason that men stop when you sing is so they can spare their ears from the god awful sound that comes out of that cock chasm you call a throat. And you, "Miss cat like grace", I don't know how that's possible with hips that big. Hey Mrs, show 'em what a real woman can do.

Dealy Llama honked his nose twice. The Mrs. then turned into a tigress. The three ladies looked on in shock.

Dealy Lama: "Moving with the grace of a cat" don't sound like no hot shit now, doesn't it. I've said before and I'll say it again, the Mrs. is the best pussy around.

Saddy turned to Radioactive Dude.

Saddy: We didn't come here to be mocked by some juvenile clown and his freak wife.

Radioactive Dude: I apologize mam, but Llama doeas have a point. I don't reckon your powers would do much good against the Power Pack.

Saddy: Oh, you don't huh? Well, we'll see about that. If the Power Pack wants to try and stop us, I say let them come. And you'll see how women achieve where men have failed.

And with that, the 3 women left the room.

Evil Gnome: That went well, didn't it.

Radioactive Dude: It went exactly as I hoped it would. Good work, Llama.

Dealy Llama: As always.

Evil Gnome: ok. Mind explaining to me what the hell just went down.

Radioactive Dude: I apologize for keeping you in the dark, but I had to make sure your reactions to Llama's outbursts were genuine. It helped create the illusion that we were being sincere with our hope to team up with them.

Evil Gnome? We weren't being sincere?

Radioactive Dude: No. I want to see how they match up against the Power Pack. But I need them to be prepared. I want them to go at the Power Pack with all they got.

Evil Gnome: You're very serious about studying the Power Pack before we go up against them again, huh.

Radioactive Dude: You're darn right. "Know thy enemy." I take those words to heart.

Dealy Llama: The Mrs. has turned into a bird and is following the girls as we speak.

Radioactive Dude: Good. She'll come back to us when the girls have planned out their next bank heist. And we'll be there to watch and hopefully, the Power Pack will come by and put up a show.

Dealy Llama: I'll bring the popcorn.

Meanwhile...

Purrrrrrr: I have never been so humiliated in my life!

Saddy: Let it go.

MED: Yeah, besides, who are they? I've never knew about them until today. We already have 3 bank robberies under our belt and what do they have? Nothing.

Purrrrrrr: Good point.

Saddy: And it is a good point. They probably wanted to team up with us just so we could do they heavy work and they could pick up on the rewards. Fucking men.

MED: But what was up with that crazy midget bitch?

Saddy: Who knows? Bunch of freaks. Let's get back to the lair and make plans for the next heist.

The three ladies hopped into their car and drove off. The didn't speak to each other on the drive back, as they were each going over the event that had just took place in their minds. None of them liked to be embarrassed by men and each secretly decided to take their frustrations out on the Power Pack if the Pack decided to try to stop them.

One of them did speak however.

Purrrrrrr: My hips aren't that big.

As they drove on, none of them noticed the bird doing it's best to keep up with them.

The next day...

Pillz: No! No! No!

Primus: What am I doing wrong?

Pillz: Everything!

Pillz, Primus, and Pero were now working out in an Rent-A-Gym they referred to as the Practice Pad.

Pillz: What did I tell you? Since you refuse to fight these girls, I need you on defense. And so far, you have not some up with one good defense against this whip I've been cracking at you for the last half hour.

Primus: Maybe you aren't using it right.

Pillz: I know how to use a whip.

Pero: My mother once had a whip. She used it to punish daddy the way he liked. She also used it to punish other men too. Dad was usually at work late when the other men got punished. Mom never used it to punish me though. She had a paddle for that. I remember one time she spanked me for playing with matches. I found them in my dad's desk drawer and decided to light my GI Joes on fire. Snake Eyes was my favorite Joe so I never lit him on fire. When I was 8, I decided not to talk to anybody so I could be more like Snake Eyes. My mom didn't know why I wouldn't talk, because I couldn't tell her, so she took me to see a doctor. He tried to get me to talk but I wouldn't. He said, "Come on kid, I'm desperate." I was young and wasn't paying too much attention to him so I thought he said that he was Destro. That's when I kicked him in the face and ran out of the room. That night the doctor came by to see how I was doing. I decided to talk to him and told him I didn't like Cobra in my house. He laughed and said he wasn't Cobra. He then talked to my mom. He must have been a bad guy anyway cause later that night mom was punishing him with the whip.

Pillz: So, Pero, since you seem to be an expert on the subject; am I using the whip right?

Pero: I don't know. The whip she used had like nine different ends on them.

Pillz: Ok then, never mind.

Primus: Maybe my power only works when I know that there is a real danger to me.

Pillz: Well, there is going to be a real danger, because I'm going to start whipping you for real.

Primus: I don't know what your problem is. When it comes time for us to stop those women, I'll be ready.

Pillz: That's my main concern. I don't think you will.

Primus: Why don't you trust me.

Pillz: It's not that I don't trust you, it's just the fact that I'm not 100% convinced of your ability to come through when we need you the most.

Primus: I have proven myself time and time again.

Pillz: But your reluctance to fight these women is concerning. I need to make sure you are giving your all to stopping our enemies.

Pero: Hey guys, will you stop acting like my parents for one second and look on the TV.

Pero pointed to the little TV they had set up in a corner. On the TV was live coverage of a bank robbery.

Pillz: Great timing.

Pillz turned to Primus.

Pillz: Moment of truth. Are you going to back us up?

Primus: Yes.

Pillz: Good. Let's go.

At the Bank...

MED: Saddy, what are we waiting for? We got the money, let's split.

Saddy: No. We are waiting for the Power Pack to arrive.

Purrrrrrr: Good. It's time to prove ourselves once and for all.

Saddy: Don't forget how we decided to do this. I subdue them and then you two have your way with them.

MED: I always like your plans.

The Power Pack arrived.

Pillz: Ok ladies, your fun time is over. Come out with your hands up and surrender peacefully.

Saddy: I'm coming out with my hands up.

Saddy walked out, hands in the air. She began to sing.

Pillz was too fast for her. A green light shout out of his ring and formed a rope. Which then wrapped itself around Saddy's head, covering her mouth.

Saddy struggled to remove it, but could not manage to get it off.

MED and Purrrrrr moved outside to attack.

MED went after Pero with the whip.

MED: You've been a bad boy. It's time for your punishment.

MED cracked her whip at Pero.

Pero's mind flashed back to all the men who let out those moans of pain when his mother punished them. Pero began to shake.

MED: Awww. The little boy is shaking in his shoes.

Pero hulked out.

PeroHulk: You no hurt Pero. Pero no like whip!

Pero chased after MED, who took off running.

Purrrrrrr had decided to confront Primus.

Purrrrrrr: Good. I get to take on the cute one.

Primus: You think I'm cute?

Purrrrrrr: You bet. So, is that your superpower in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Primus looked away, his cheeks were flushed.

Purrrrrrr: What's the matter? Never been this close to a woman before?

Primus: I've been close to plenty. My sister and I used to share the same bed.

Purrrrrrr just laughed at this.

Purrrrrrr: And they said this was going to be tough.

Primus: Who's they?

Purrrrrrr: We met these guys over at this Duplex on 23rd....

Purrrrrrr stopped when she saw PeroHulk chasing after MED.

Purrrrrrr: Hold that thought cutie, I'll be right back.

Purrrrrrr ran over and lept on PeroHulk's back. She began clawing at him. PeroHulk tried to grab at her, but he couldn't reach her. MED began to whip him from the front.

Pillz saw this happening.

Pillz: Primus, help Pero out!

Primus: You help him out!

Pillz: I can't. I need to keep this one's mouth shut.

Primus: I don't know what to do!

Pillz: Damn it!

Pillz let go of Saddy and aimed his ring at Purrrrrrr. He managed to get her off of PeroHulk's back, but then Saddy began to sing.

Pillzs and Pero were frozen in their spots. Primus was not affected.

Primus: My power is drowning out her singing. I can't hear it.

MED: sothis one is immune huh. Saddy, you keep on singing your song. We'll deal with this one.

MED cracked her whip at him. Primus caught it with his hands and pulled it away from her.

MED: Ho did you? No one can? What the hell?

Purrrrrrr: I knew there was something special about this cutie. I'll handle him.

Purrrrrrr ran ar Primus at full speed. Primus' hand flew out, shooting the whip out at full speed. The whip found it's way around Purrrrrrr's legs and brought her to the ground.

Purrrrrrr: That's impossible! No one can catch me like that.

Primus: it's easy when you have hips that big.

Purrrrrrr began to cry.

Saddy stopped singing.

Pillz immediatly captured her with his power ring. PeroHulk picked up both MED and Purrrrrr.

A few minutes later, the police arived to take the women into custody.

Primus: See, I told you I would come through. I saved both of your guy's bacon.

Pillz stared quietly at Primus.

Primus: What?

Pillz: I am dissapointed in you.

Primus was hurt to hear this.

Primus: What do you mean. I stopped them, didn't I? I saved both of you from her singing.

Pillz: That never should have happened. If you had helped PeroHulk like I told you to, she never would have had the opportunity to sing in the first place.

Primus: You are never pleased are you? You always have to bring out the negative in a situation.

Pillz: No. I always bring up what went wrong in the situation.

Primus: No. You're right. I'm sorry Pillz, you have my word that this will never happen again.

Pillz: I would hope so. But I honestly have to tell you, I have my doubts.

Primus: This is one promise I'll keep.

An Hour Later...

Radioactive Dude: Well, I'll hang my hat up and say that that was a complete success.

Dealy Llama: That was the most fucking boring 10 minutes of my life.

Evil Gnome: I thought it was very educational myself.

Radioactive Dude: And it was. Dissension among the ranks. That will be the Power Pack's downfall.

Voice At The Door: You have no idea.

The four villains turned to see who had spoken. They were shocked to see who it was.

Radioactive Dude: Well, I'll be. What brings you to these parts?

Primus: I want to join up with you guys.

TO BE CONTINUED

One Month

2007-06-20T00:07:00.000-04:00

DAY 29

Satyr: And I have no doubt you are going to blame me for this. After all, that is your favorite past time.

Gweg: Actually, I am kind of to blame for this too.

Satyr: What? Really?

Gweg: Yes, but I'd rather not talk about it.

Satyr and Gweg had now backed themselves into a corner. They were standing at the very end of the basketball court. A wall to a building was behind them, another wall to the left of them, and a giant fence to the right of them.

The 20 or so figures were blocking their only exit.

Gweg: How long until sunrise? A little daylight could help us out here.

Satyr: It's only 11PM so we got seven more hours, but trust me, daylight don't do shit.

Gweg: What? I thought...

Satyr: Trust me. Besides. I think we might be safe until help arrives. After all, they are just standing there, staring into space. They might do that until morning. Hell, there is a good chance that we could climb that fence and they wouldn't know it.

Gweg heard one of them make a noise.

Gweg: What was that? What did he do?

Satyr: It's ok. That's just the noises they make.

Gweg: It kind of creeps me out.

Satyr: It's ok. Let's just move over to the fence.

Gweg and Satyr slowly made their way over to the fence. The figures did not move, as Satyr predicted.

Satyr and Gweg latched onto the fence and began to climb.

Satyr: I just hope this plan works, because all of my other plans this month have failed miserably.

Gweg: I don't see how that is surprising.

Satyr: My plans were fool proof. I still don't know how that first one got me jail.

DAY 3

Officer Larson: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do will be held against you. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you.

Satyr: What is this shit? What did I do?

Officer Larson handcuffed Satyr and put him in the back of the squad car. 20 minutes alter, they arrived at the police station. Satyr was led to the interrogation room, where a detective was waiting for him.

Detective Watterson: You sick fuck.

Satyr: What is this all about?

Det. Watterson: I don't even want to get into the details. I felt sick enough after seeing the pics. Here, why don't you look at them?

Watterson threw five pics on the table. Satyr looked them over, wide eyed.

Satyr: Where did you get these?

Det. Watterson: That doesn't matter. Fact is: we got them. You are going away for a long time for this, punk.

Satyr: I'm not guilty.

Watterson simply pointed at the photos. Satyr shook his head.

Satyr: I have the right to a speedy trial. I'll be back on the streets within a week.

Det. Watterson: With this evidence, I can get you a trial tomorrow. You'll be in jail for the rest of your life. Unless you got a very good lawyer, which sick twisted fucks like you usually have.

Satyr: I do have a good lawyer, he's the best.

Det. Watterson: Who's that?

Satyr: I represent myself.

Det. Watterson: A fool for a client.

Satyr: You watch, nothing bad will happen from me representing myself.

DAY 11

Gweg was sitting a home, still coming to grips with what Satyr had just pulled. Gweg couldn't believe Satyr would go that far to get himself out of prison. He thought that even Satyr would have knew better than to go that route.

Just as Gweg was getting ready to get on the computer to make sure Satyr didn't completely fuck himself, there was a knock on the door.

Gweg looked towards the sky and shook his head.

Gweg: You better have a fucking mansion waiting for me up there.

Gweg opened the door. He saw a dark haired, skinny, light skinned older teenager standing before him.

The Teen: Is Satyr here?

Gweg: Let me guess, you are on of his friends from the Internet.

The teen gave Gweg a weird sort of smile.

The Teen: Yeah, let's go with that. Is he here?

Gweg: No, he's out.

The Teen: I'll just wait for him here.

The teen moved past Gweg and plopped himself down on the couch.

The Teen: Got anything to drink? I know you won't have what I'm really thirsty for, but anything cold would be fine.

Gweg couldn't believe the audacity of Satyr's friend. But Gweg was tired of all these confrontations and brought the kid a Dr. Pepper.

Gweg: I didn't catch your name.

The Teen: Call me Sekiath.

Gweg: Sekiath. Can I get you anything else? Make you a sandwich, rub your back, throw you out the window?

Sekiath chuckled and pointed at Gweg

Sekiath: Yeah, I was warned about you. No, I appreciate the drink, thank you. Satyr go out often?

Gweg: Yeah, he does. He stays in one place for too long, it starts to deteriorate.

Sekiath shook his head and took a drink.

Gweg: I don't know when he'll be back, so it'd be best if you went home and I'll let him know you came by.

Sekiath shrugged.

Sekiath: Nah, I've got nothing better to do. I can wait.

The phone rang. Gweg answered it.

Gweg: Hello. Figures. Yeah, I never do. Listen, one of your friends is here. Sekiath. Ok, I'll let him know.

Gweg hung the phone up and spoke to Sekiath.

Gweg: That was Satyr, it looks like he's going to be out all night.

Sekiath took a drink.

Sekiath: That's fine. I can crash here for the night.

Gweg: I would be more comfortable if you didn't.

Sekiath: It'll be fine Gweg. I'll sleep here on the couch. It's not like I'll come into your room or bite you or anything.

Sekiath gave out a chuckle. And he could see the worried look on Gweg's face.

Sekiath: Hey man, Satyr would be down with me sleeping here, and it is half of his apartment, right?

Gweg: Fine. Just don't make too much noise, a mess, and don't empty the fridge.

Sekiath: It'll be like I'm not even here.

Gweg: I wish it were.

DAY 5

Guard: You are in this cell right here.

The guard threw Satyr into the jail cell.

Satyr: Come on! That was not a fair trial at all! I don't belong here!

Guard: Save it for someone who cares.

Satyr: Fucking, goddamn, piece of cocksucking, motherfucking, worm licking , jew nailing, shit fingering, asshole looting, sons of bitches!

Satyr held onto the bars, steaming, giving the evil eye at the guard. He then heard a voice behind him.

Cellmate: Could you keep it down?

Satyr spun around and saw a huge muscular black man laying on a bunk and reading a book.

Satyr: Well, this figures. This just fucking figures. I get locked in with Bubba. Listen, if you are going to ass rape, do us both a favor and lube it up.

Bubba: My name is not Bubba. It's Maurice. And I'm not going to ass rape you.

Satyr: Well, thank Pan for small favors. But that trial I just had was not in the least bit fair. A jury of my peers. Jury of incompetent idiots is more like it.

Maurice: What happened?

Satyr: Listen to this.

Day 4

Prosecutor: And Detective Watterson, do you know who took these pictures?

Det. Watterson: No they were sent to us from an anonymous person. We have not been able to track this person down.

Prosecutor: And is there any evidence that these photos were doctored in any way?

Det. Watterson: No. We had the photos analyzed and they came back clean. These photos are originals.

Prosecutor: And who is the person in the photos?

Det. Watterson: The defendant.

Prosecutor: Thank you Detective, that will be all.

Judge: Mr. Satyr, you may now question the witness.

Satyr: Thanks, Judge. Ok, "Detective".

Det. Watterson: You don't need to be sarcastic when you say that.

Satyr: Oh, I'm sorry, have I asked you a question yet. Did I give you permission to speak?

Judge: The Detective will wait for a question and the defendant will not speak to him in a sarcastic manner.

Satyr flashed the detective a shit-eating grin.

Satyr: You know something, Detective, I look at these photos and can't help but think, "Hmm. I can't see that persons face to well." How about you?

Det. Watterson: I can see the face just fine.

Satyr: Can you? But how do you know it's not a mask?

Prosecutor: Objection your Honor.

Judge: Overruled.

Satyr: Thank you. Well, how do you know?

Det. Watterson: We blew up the photos and it's quite obvious it's you. And It's quite obvious from the different facial expressions in the photos that it is not a mask.

Satyr: That may be. But how are we sure that it isn't a shape-shifter pretending to be me?

Prosecutor: Objection! That's just ridiculous.

Judge: I agree.

Satyr: Fine. Tell me Watts, are you 100% sure that that is me in the picture?

Det. Watterson: Yes.

Satyr became irate.

Satyr: Permission to treat this witness as hostile?

Judge: If you feel that that is absolutely necessary.

Satyr: Oh, I do. Tell me this, Detective! Do you know where liars go when they die?

Prosecutor: Objection!

Judge: Mr. Satyr, that is enough.

Satyr: I withdraw the question and I have no further questions for this so called witness.

Judge: You may step down Detective. Does the State have any more witnesses to call?

Prosecutor: No, the Prosecution rests.

Judge: Mr. Satyr: You may call your first witness.

Satyr: I have no one to call your honor. My defence will be in my closing argument.

Judge: Have it your way. We will take a 30 minute recess and come back and have closing arguments.

Half an hour later.

Prosecutor: We have the pictures. It is clearly the defendant doing this nasty deed. We have no reason to believe other wise.

Satyr got up to deliver his arguments to the jury.

Satyr: What do these pics tell us? Nothing? There is an endless amount of possibilities for those photos looking like they are. But that is not me. I would never do anything like that. Look at me. Is this not a trustworthy face?

Judge: The jury will now begin their deliberations.

10 minutes later.

Foreman: We the jury, in a unanimous decision, find the defendant guilty on all charges.

Satyr: Oh that is such bullshit.

Judge: Thank you Jury. The Bailiff will put Mr. Satyr into custody and we will have sentencing tomorrow.

DAY 6

Satyr: I just don't know if I should.

Maurice: Well, if it works.

Satyr: Yeah, but this guy comes with a price.

Maurice: You said you were loaded.

Satyr: I am. I got money up the yin-yang, but this guy isn't about money.

Maurice: Oh, that type. There are plenty of guys here who can help you ready yourself for that kind of sacrifice.

Satyr: No, not that either. This guy has certain rules about how things are done. But I don't know what. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. What do you suggest?

Maurice: If I knew how to get in contact with this guy, I would do it.

Satyr: Yeah, I should. Gweg won't be happy if I do. But oh well, I deal with him when the time comes.

DAY 10

Gweg: You hired who?!?!

Gweg became irate when Satyr told him who it was who got him out of jail.

Gweg: What were you thinking? You know better than that. What is he going to do?

Satyr: He's not going to do anything, I have to do it.

Gweg: Do what? What is it? You better get out of this mess clean.

Satyr: Come on Gweg, haven't I always cleaned up my own messes?

Gweg: No. No you haven't. And this. With him! Oh lord, this will not turn out pretty.

Satyr: Lighten up. Did I get any mail while I was out?

Gweg: Yeah you got one letter. It came today. It's there on the table.

Satyr picked it up and opened it. He read it out loud.

Satyr: "Dear fucking asshole. We want to speak with you about our son. Meet us at our house. Tell whomever you want so you won't be scared. We just want to talk to you. Our address is on the envelope."

Gweg: The hole just keeps getting deeper.

Satyr: That's enough out of you. I wonder what they want.

Day 11

Satyr knocked on the door of the house. The father answered the door.

The Father: Come in.

Satyr entered the living room. The mother was sitting in a chair, looking at Satyr with grim intent.

The father motioned towards the couch.

The Father: Have a seat.

The Mother: You piece of shit.

Satyr: Nice to meet you.

The Father: The reason we have asked you to come here, is that we were disappointed with the new verdict you somehow received.

Satyr: You should be glad to know the system works.

The Father: Shut up. We wanted to talk to you face to face. We want you to know that we will dedicate our lives to making sure yours is a personal hell.

Satyr: Yeah. That sounds good and all, but I don't buy it for one second.

The Mother: What do you mean you piece of shit?

Satyr: Feel free to call me any other expletive, I don't mind. But, I don't believe you have what it takes to make my life hell for the rest of yours.

The Father: I'm a telemarketer.

Satyr nearly jumped out of his seat.

Satyr: Listen, maybe we can work something out.

The Mother. No fucker, there is nothing to work out. What you did is unforgivable.

Satyr: It's not like the kid saw anything.

The Father: Now, let's give him a chance, he might be able to provide us with something. But I won't let you leave until we are satisfied.

Satyr: That's fine. Just let me call my roommate.

The Father: That's fine. Here's the phone.

Satyr: Yeah, Gweg, it's me. Don't expect me home tonight. That's funny. Oh yeah, who? Oh..him. Ok, let him know I'll talk with him tomorrow.

Satyr handed the phone back to the father.

Satyr: Now, to help you guys out. What if I were to..cure your kids blindness.

The Father: What?

Satyr: Yeah. Get this. I know people. People that could help with that problem. You let me get in touch with them, and I'll have your kid seeing what ugly parents he has by the end of this month.

The Mother: You are a rotten son of a bitch.

Satyr: Just calling it like I see it.

Satyr turned to the father.

Satyr: I can see why you married her. She's so full of rich conversation.

The Father: Don't get smart. You have six days to do as you promised. Or we shall do as we promised.

Satyr: Fine.

The Mother: I was so glad to hear you got put in the prison infirmary. I'd like to shake the hand of the man who did it.

Satyr laughed. No you wouldn't. It was my lawyer.

Satyr laughed again at the woman's shocked face and left the house.

DAY 8

Satyr was laying down on the infirmary bed. Gweg was standing next to him.

Gweg: You got beat up by your lawyer?

Satyr: Don't worry about that now. We patched things up I need to talk to you.

Gweg: That's why I'm here. It sure as hell isn't to make sure you are doing ok.

Satyr: You are not a good friend at all.

Gweg: Never once did I claim to be.

Satyr: Asshole. Anyway, I noticed in the paper you already have an ad out looking for a new roommate.

Gweg: I have that ad in there everyday.

Satyr: Don't even think about it. I have a new today and I'll be out of here tomorrow. And that apartment better be they way it was when I got here.

Gweg: Well, I won't make any promises.

Satyr: Fine. Just leave me be. I need to be fresh for my new trial.

DAY 13

Satyr: You know what, I'm glad you are here.

Sekiath: That's not something I'm used to hearing.

Satyr: I don't doubt that. Listen. This problem you have and the problem I have can be dealt with simultaneously.

Sekiath: How do you figure?

Satyr: I take you to the blind kid. You do your thing. And that might be able to cure him of his blindness. And if it works, you can work on all the blind kids of the world.

Sekiath: Perhaps. I don't know how accurate that could be. I know you've probably read books, but most of them are wrong about the subject.

Satyr: Well, that's a risk I have to take. I can't deal with kid in an orthodox way.

Sekiath: When should we do it?

Satyr: Tonight. And we have to do it exactly as planned. I mean this kid got me in jail once already. And I don't want to deal with him or a lawyer again.

Sekiath: I don't think you could if you wanted to. The rules are particular.

Satyr: I know that all too well.

DAY 7

Satyr: I've decided to do it, Maurice. I'm going to get that lawyer.

Maurice: Good. I'm glad you are going to take this opportunity.

Satyr: Yeah. Now, just to get into contact with him. Let's see what the paper says.

Satyr unscrolled a paper and read over it.

Satyr: Hmm. Maurice, are you a Muslim?

Maurice: Yes. Yes I am.

Satyr: Perfect.

Satyr reached under him mattress and pulled out a shiv. He then stabbed Maurice in the neck with it.

Satyr: Sorry Maurice. But it was your idea.

Satyr then drew a pentagram like symbol onto the floor with Maurice's blood.

Smoke began to rise from the drawing.

In the smoke, the form of a man appeared. A voice boomed out.

Voice: BEHOLD! YOU HAVE CALLED FORTH THE LORD OF THE 19TH NETHERWORLD! YOU HAVE CALLED FORTH THE DARK LORD ZEXOTELLIAN!

Satyr: 19th? What the hell happened to the 7th?

Zexotellian: YOU!

Zexotellian ran towards Satyr and began to pummel him.

Satyr spoke between the punches.

Satyr: You can't kill me, it's against your rules.

Zexotellian: There is nothing in the rule book about me kicking your ass.

Zexotellian beat the shit out of Satyr. Zexotellian got up and smoothed out his suit.

Zexotellian: Well, that felt damn good. Your little trick got the last time got me knocked down all the way to the 19th fucking Netherworld. There I was, one of the best Dark Lords the Nether Judges have ever seen and being spoken to like I was some Nether Bitch. All because of you. And now you have the gall to call me up asking for a favor? Word must travel around fast. "Hey Satyr, did you hear Zexotellian was nothing more than a broken house pet. Yeah, wave a paper at him, he'll tuck his tail under him and cover his nose." I got news for you, you anthropomorphic dick wad, I am not some Dark Lord you got on a leash. Whatever favor you want, I guarantee you will pay for for. Because if you don't pay, you'll die. So personally, I am kind of hoping you don't come through.

Satyr: How do you know you'll come through?

Zexotellian: How? What is that? Are you being serious? No wait, I know, you want to a second serving of the ass kicking I just delivered. Good news satyr, ass kicking is not only on the menu, it's on the all you can eat buffet!

Satyr: Are you sure you are not the Dark Lord of the Nether Lame? I need you to get me a new trial and get me out of jail.

Zexotellian: You honestly believe that is a challenge? Please. You saw Michael Jackson's trial? Yeah, I didn't even brake a sweat. You are talking to the Dark Lord Zexotellian here. As soon as I'm done getting you out of here, I've got one hell of a task for you.

Satyr: What is it?

Zexotellian: I'll let you know after you get released.

DAYS 15 & 16

Satyr and Sekiath were at the parents house.

The Father: What you two did to our son was an unholy sin and I will make you hell demons burn.

Satyr: Just because I look the part doesn't mean I'm from hell.

Sekiath: Yeah. That is a bit biased.

The Mother: My son!!! MY SON!!!

Satyr: Will you calm that bitch down?

The father punched Satyr.

Sekiath: Sir, there is no need for violence here.

The Father: I had to kill my own son. When I saw what you did to him...I can't speak of such evil.

Satyr: At least we cured his blindness.

The Father: No you did not. He still was blind!

The Mother: AWWWWW MY SON!!!

Satyr: You know, Scrabble will help build your vocabulary.

The Father: She is upset. She saw what you did to our son, not to mention what our son was doing to our cat.

Sekiath: I don't understand how he remained blind. It should have been fixed.

The Father: That's what happens when evil is involved. God help me, I will destroy you both.

Satyr: You'll have to cacth us first.

Satyr and Sekiath took off running.

The Father screamed out after them.

The Father: God is on my side! We will hunt you down and you will burn!

Later that night.

Sekiath: Well, it's more your problem than it is mine.

Satyr: You are the reason this happened. I did it to help you out.

Sekiath: Yeah, but I'm not exactly accountable for anything you do.

Satyr: Just help me take care of this. I can have it handled tomorrow.

Sekiath: What do you have in mind?

Satyr: We call the cops.

The next day.

The Father was sitting in the police station's interrogation room.

Det. Watterson: Where is your son?

The Father: I told you, the satyr took him.

Det. Watterson: I would be more than happy to believe that. But we checked him out. He has an airtight alibi and there is no evidence anywhere that he kidnapped your child.

The Father: Fine. I'll tell you what really happened.

The father then told Det. Watterson the story.

Det. Watterson: You expect me to believe all that.

The Father: Yes, because it's true!

Det. Watterson: Well, I can't. This world just keeps getting sicker. Blind kids not safe in public or in their own homes. Get this creep out of my face. No wonder your wife committed suicide this morning.

The Father: I didn't do anything!

One of the cops took the father to a jail cell.

Det. Watterson: Fucked up world.

DAY 9

Foreman: We the jury find the Defendant, "Not Guilty".

Judge: Thank you jury, you are free to go, as is the defendant.

Satyr shook Zexotellian's hand.

Satyr: Thank you Zex.

Zexotellian: Oh, don't be thanking yet. Now we will discuss the matter of your payment.

Satyr: If you are going to ass rape me, please use some lube.

Zexotellian: I am not going to ass rape you. I need you to help out my son.

Satyr: You have a son?

Zexotellian: Why are you surprised? I'm Zexotellian. One of the top Dark Lords of the Netherworlds. I have to fight the ladies off with a stick. Except for one lucky one who caught my eye and is now proud to be my wife.

Satyr: Yeah, listen: I don't want to have to deal with your hellspawn ok? I can help you in another way.

Zexotellian: Oh? My curiosity is dying to feed on this.

Satyr: Gweg told me all about your goth problem. What you need is a complete image makeover. I mean, come on, you look like a reject from a Panic! At The Disco music video. What we want to do is get rid of that, give you the sexy rugged look, and promote the hell out of you. GQ articles titled "The Joy Of Zex". Ads for kids that sound like the old Nickelodeon jingle. Ah Zex Zex Zex, Zex Zex Zex, ZEXOTELLIAN, Yeah!

Zexotellian did nothing but stare at Satyr.

Satyr: I can see my brilliance has stunned you.

Zexotellian: No. I was doing my best not to kill you. Look, I'm Zexotellian, I don't need an image makeover. But, I do need to protect my image. And my son is spending time here on this realm and I need you to make sure he doesn't cause too much trouble with his problem.

Satyr: You want me to babysit your kid?

Zexotellian: No. I want you to come up with a reasonable solution to his problem. And you have 'till the end of the month to do it, or else I kill you.

Satyr: The end of the month? That's bullshit.

Zexotellian: Read the rules. I can set the deadline. The end of the month. My son will come to your apartment. His name is Sekiath.

DAY 25

Zexotellian and Gweg were standing in the apartment. Zex shook Gweg's hand.

Zexotellian: Good work Gweg. The website is a hot and the article is a success.

Gweg: Some of my best writing ever.

Zexotellian: I'll say. Well, congrats. And, you are off the hook. You don't have to worry about facing my revenge.

Gweg: That's a load off.

Zexotellian then disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

Gweg read over the article he wrote one last time.

When Gweg was writing, he had some notes from Zexotellian. Little tidbits that Zex wanted to make sure Gweg included.

Gweg got stuck on one line as he read it.

"Zexotellian is a wonderful husband and a loving father."

Gweg wondered.

Was the arrival of Sekiath and Zexotellian a coincidence? Satyr did act strange about Sekiath. Could it be? Are they related?

Deep down inside, Gweg knew they were.

DAY 14

Satyr: Gweg, I'm home.

Satyr spent most of the day trying to buy eyeballs on the black market. He found none.

Gweg: It's about damn time. Your friend decided the couch was too uncomfortable and went to sleep on your bend.

Satyr peered down the hall.

Satyr: Tell me something, this kid doesn't look weird, does he?

Gweg: No. He looks like a regular teen. I thought you knew him.

Satyr: Yeah. Nevermind.

Satyr went to his room.

Satyr: Hey, wake up.

Sekiath woke up.

Satyr: You must be Sekiath.

Sekiath: That I am.

Satyr: Yeah, your dad told me I was to help you.

Sekiath: Yeah. Dad wants this my problem dealt with discreetly.

Sekiath explained the problem to Satyr.

Satyr: That's one hell of a problem. Listen. I need some sleep before I tackle this. I haven't gotten any for a while. Here, take some cash and go have a night on the town. But don't do anything stupid.

Sekiath: Don't worry. I've lasted this long without getting caught.

Sekiath took some cash and left. Satyr went to sleep.

Gweg saw Sekiath leave.

Gweg began to watch TV.

The floor in front of the TV began to smoke. The smoke became taller and a figure appeared in the smoke.

Gweg: Oh for fuck's sake.

Zexotellian: BEHOLD! FOR I AM THE DARK LORD OF THE 19TH NETHERWORLD! I AM...

Gweg: I know who you are, Zexotellian.

Zexotellian stepped out of the smoke.

Zexotellian: Hello Gweg. You should no, that it is taking everything I have not to lash out at you and eviscerate you all over this room.

Gweg: I take it you're still upset.

Zexotellian: Upset? Bah! Upset doesn't even begin to cover it. What a laughingstock I became when you tricked me. Demoted down 12 whole levels! And now, I come here to make a deal.

Gweg: What?

Zexotellian: I have all the time in the world to get my revenge on you. But for some reason, it seems petty. No. I'd rather put this mess behind me and move on. But, I am willing to extract revenge if that what it comes down to. But you see, your dear friend the satyr revealed something to me. I do have an image problem. Too many goths, as you know, make up my market. I need to be more mainstream, and I want you to help.

Gweg: What can I do?

Zexotellian: I hear that you are a journalist. I want you to write out a new description of me for my website, I want you to publish an article about me in the New York Times.

Gweg: I've never been published in the New York Times.

Zexotellian: I will arrange it. Do we have an agreement? You write for me and make me look better and I will dissolve my hatred of you.

Gweg: Fine, it's a deal.

DAY 17

Gweg and Zexotellian were at the computer.

Gweg: I don;t know why you had me lie to the cops to cover Satyr's alibi.

Zexotellian: I need him out of jail for the work he is doing for me.

Gweg: Ok. Here. Read your Welcoming Page.

Zexotellian read over what Gweg had wrote for his website.

"Welcome Friends! This is the Brand New Website for your favorite Man in all of the Netherwolrds, Lord Zexotellian! Zexotellian has been a Lord for many centuries now and he has helped many a persons with their problems. You need some help, the Sexy Lord Zexotellian will be ,more than Happy to serve you. For A Price! But come on, nothing is free anymore, now is it? So, just click the links below and you'll be satisfied in no time."

Gweg: As you can see, I took away all of the "Dark" references.

Zexotellian: Good work. Now, about the article. I want it perfect.

Gweg: You'll have to give me a few days. By the twentieth at least.

Zexotellian: Fine.

DAYS 18-23

Nothing much happened on these days. Gweg wrote and edited the article. Zexotellian got it published. Satyr and Sekiath worked on the problem at hand.

Day 24

Satyr: I got it!

Sekiath: Took long enough.

Satyr: Autistic kids!

Sekiath: What are you talking about?

Satyr: No. Think about it. What you do doesn't really change that much.

Sekiath: Well....

Satyr: Autistic kids would be perfect.

Sekiath: Ok. Let's try it.

Days 26-27

Satyr and Sekiath tracked down kids with autism.

DAY 28

Satyr and Sekiath leave the house they just broke into.

Sekiath: I think this was a good idea.

Satyr: Ha ha. Yes it was. One of many.

Sekiath: How many is that now?

Satyr: 20 I think.

Satyr: All right. Let's head back to my house and we'll give your father the good news.

A little later, Sekiath and Satyr arrived at the apartment.

Gweg was sitting on the couch.

Gweg: About time you get home. I need to have a talk with you.

Satyr: Later Gweg. Me and Sekiath are just finishing up.

Sekiath: Yeah. Let me call my dad.

Sekiath took out a cell phone.

Sekiath: Hey dad. Yeah, it's done. Ok, I'll let him know.

Sekiath put the phone away and turned to Satyr.

Sekiath: Hey, Satyr. Dad says to meet him at the basketball court on 19th street tomorrow.

Satyr: Fine.

Sekiath: Peace out bros.

Sekiath left.

Gweg: I know what's up.

Satyr: The sky Gweg?

Gweg: No. I know that Sekiath is Zexotellian's son.

Satyr: So what?

Gweg: He wants to meet you at a basketball court on 19th street. Why?

Satyr: I don't know why. I don't go around trying to figure out what going on in the mind of a Dark Lord. Or should I say a "Sexy Lord" as you have described him.

Gweg: How do you know about that?

Satyr: My good friend is an Internet nerd, you know. I had him keeping me updated on any changes on Zexotellian's website. Just in case.

Gweg: I did it to get Zex off my back. But I still don't trust him. I'm going with you to the basketball court tomorrow.

Satyr: Fine. Speaking of Cyber, I need to thank him for getting me into this whole mess in the first place.

DAY 1

Satyr had a problem. And not a very good problem. This particular problem has been bothering him for weeks now.

He had the uncontrollable urge to expose himself to a child.

Satyr didn't know why he had this problem, but he knew he had to take care of it. Or else it would destroy him.

Satyr called the one person he could trust.

Cyber Centaur.

Satyr: Hey Cy-baby. What's going on.

Cyber: I'm just selling my WoW gold on eBay.

Satyr: You might as well sell your dick on there too.

Cyber: All ready tried that. They took the auction down.

Satyr: Yeah. Speaking of dicks, I want to flash mine in front of a kid.

Cyber: I think I'll hang up now.

Satyr: No wait. I need your help with this. How do I do this without getting caught?

Cyber: I don't know. Does the kid actually need to see your goods?

Satyr thought it over.

Satyr: No. I just need to flash myself in front of him. He doesn't actually have to see anything.

Cyber: Ok. Do it in front of a blind kid.

Satyr: That's a good idea. Yeah. I think that will work.

Day 29

Gweg: Why is he meeting you at 10:30 PM in a dark basketball court?

Gweg and Satyr were standing in the middle of the basketball court waiting for Zexotellian to show up.

Satyr: He likes the dark.

Gweg: This is making me nervous.

Suddenly, smoke began to rise out of the basket ball court.

Zexotellian: BEHOLD! FOR I AM...AH FUCK IT!

Zexotellian and Sekiath stepped out of the smoke.

Zexotellian: Good, I'm glad to see you here Gweg. I knew you wouldn't fail me there.

Gweg: I'm here to make sure you don't pull any tricks.

Zexotellian: Then you are going to fail. You see, I didn't become a major player in the Netherworlds because of my good looks. No. It's all about ingenuity. And I have that stuff leaking out of my pores.

Zexotellian let out a laugh. Sekiath smiled brightly, showing his fangs.

Zexotellian: When your buddy, the satyr here, called me up, asking for my help, I saw the perfect opportunity for revenge. Ironic revenge. For you see, my son is a vampire and I had Satyr go out and help my son discover some the perfect cattle for my son to feat on, not knowing that my son has the power to summon whatever vampires he creates to his location. And now, my son will summon the creatures here and they will feast on the two of you. That's right Satyr, the very vamps you helped create will now destroy you!

Sekiath's smile dissappeared.

Sekiath: Uh dad. You never told me about that part.

Zexotellian: Quiet! Summon your minions! Zexotellian will have his revenge. And all of the Netherworld will be buzzing about how I extracted the perfect revenge.

Sekiath: But dad...

Zexotellian DO IT!

Sekiath shrugged and began to move his arms about wildly,

Kids began to pop up all around Zexotellian and Sekiath.

Zexotellian looked all around the vampire children.

Zexotellian: Ah. My grandchildren. Since I am your master's father, I too am your master! Now heed me and attack those two.

Zexotellian pointed at Satyr and Gweg.

The vampires just stared at Zexotellian's hand.

Zexotellian: I command you! Attack.

Several of the vamps began to cover their ears. Other just looked around. One of them began to line up basketballs into a row.

Zexotellian: What is wrong with them? Are they retarded?

Sekiath: I tried to tell you. They are autistic.

Zexotellian: You fed off of autistic kids?

Sekiath: It was Satyr's idea.

Zexotellian glared at Satyr.

Zexotellian: You fool! Is kids with disabilities your answer to everything?

Satyr: Pretty much.

Zexotellian: My plan. My beautiful plan of revenge. You have defeated me for the last time Satyr! I will have my revenge! As for this. (Zexotellian waved his arms around the autistic vamps.) I'll leave you to clean this up.

Zexotellian and Sekiath vanished.

Gweg and Satyr slowly backed away from the vamps.

DAY 30

Satyr and Gweg were still standing on the outside of the fence.

Gweg: What time is it?

Satyr: It's only 1 am.

Gweg: They haven't left.

Satyr: Like I said, they'll stick there until morning.

Gweg: How are we going to get rid of them?

Satyr: I don't know.

Behind them, an unmarked police car pulled up. Out of it stepped Det. Watterson.

Det. Watterson: Satyr! What are you doing to those kids?

Satyr: Oh for Pan's sake. I ain't doing nothing Watts! We just came across them.

Gweg nodded.

Det. Watterson: Just came across them huh? A pederast just happened to come across a bunch of kids standing in the middle of a basketball court in the middle of the night. Is that what I'm expected to believe?

Satyr: Yeah. Sounds plausible to me.

Det. Watterson: Save it perv. I'm going to find out what you did to these kids.

Watterson went up to one of the kids.

Det. Watterson: Excuse me boy. Did that goat man do anything he shouldn't have to you?

The kid just stared at him.

Det. Watterson: What wrong with all these kids? These must be the missing autistic kids that just went out on the APB.

Satyr: Yep. And I found them. Do I get a reward?

Det. Watterson: Fuck no. Pervert. You get diddly-squat. No. Let me rephrase that. You'll get my size 14 stuck up your ass. Hear me out Satyr, I'm onto you. I going to be on you 24/7. You'll keep looking over shoulder, oh you won't see me, but you'll know I'm there.

Det. Watterson got on his radio.

Det. Watterson: Yeah. It's Watterson. I got the kids here. (He counted the heads of the kids). Yeah. All twenty. Ok. I'll wait with them.

Gweg: Uh, Detective, there is something you should know about the kids.

Det. Watterson: Quiet faggot. Yeah. I'm onto you too. I'm trained to notice things. And cover each other's asses is the only thing you two do together. Now, get out of my sight. And if I ever see either of you around another kid...there won;t need to be a trial, just a funeral.

Satyr: Thanks Watts. Can you use your powers of detection to figure out which finger I'm going to hold up?

Gweg: Let's just go.

Later, that day at the apartment.

Satyr: Watts got all the autistic kids back in their homes.

Gweg: Don;t they realize that they are vampires?

Satyr: Nope. They will eventually though. They have to. But, not our problem.

Gweg: Yeah. We got the same problem and a new one.

Satyr: Fucking Watts. Fucking Zex. And the fucking guy who took pictures of me. He got us into this mess. If I ever find out who was behind that, I will have his hide.

The End.....

DAY 2

Satyr had been following the family for two hours now. The parents looked like the religious yuppy type, but Satyr wasn't concerned about them.

He was interested in the boy. Who just happened to be blind.

Satyr waited patiently for his opportunity. Finally it came. The family had strolled down to the lake. There was a small park next to the lake. They took their boy to the swingset and placed him onto one of the swings. They told him to stay there why they went down to the lake.

The boy began to swing as the parents walked down to the lake to skip stones over it. They had their backs turned to the boy.

Satyr stepped out of the shadows, opened his trenchcoat up, and exposed himself to the boy. He covered up and hightailed it out of there.

50 feet away, Gweg snapped photos of the whole thing.

Gweg: Good. Now to send these to the cops. Finally, I won't have to deal with him anymore. This will be perfect.

Boston Massacre 2007

2007-02-01T15:46:00.000-05:00

Gweg was worried.

Extremely worried.

Satyr hadn't been around for two months now.

Gweg wasn't worried about Satyr being in danger, or dead for that matter, Gweg was worried that Satyr was up to something.

Whenever Satyr wasn't around the apartment. He was up to no good.

And now Satyr had been gone for two months.

Gweg knew Satyr was still alive. He had sent in his part of the two month's rent though the mail, although he left no return address.

Monday night when Gweg went to bed, the hairs on the back of his neck stood up.

He knew trouble was coming.

Tuesday, Satyr returned home.

Satyr: Damn, that was one hell of a trip, but it was well worth it.

Gweg: What have you been doing? It's not anything I am going to see on the news is it?

Satyr: I don't see why it should be, I was just visiting some major cities to do some advertising.

Gweg: Advertising for what?

Satyr: My comic, "The Adventures of Baby Hitler and Siamese Twin Jesus".

Gweg: The what?

Satyr: It's a newspaper comic about two messed up clones of Jesus and Hitler. No newspaper will buy it, so I put up some advertisements to get people talking about it and demanding to see it in the newspapers.

Gweg: That's idiotic. What kind of ads are you putting up? Billboards?

Satyr: Hell no! Billboards are so cliched. I made hundreds of lite-brites with Baby Hitler or Siamese Twin Jesus on them and put them up over five major cities.

Gweg: What cities?

Satyr: New York, L.A., Philly, Chicago, and Boston.

Gweg: And whereabouts did you stick these lite-brites?

Satyr: In places that people visit a lot. Bus stops, newspaper machines, park benches, bridges, strip clubs, churches, and Paris Hilton.

Gweg: Well, it won't work, but it's not the worse thing you've done. Now leave me alone, it's time to watch the news.

Satyr: Why do you watch that shit? Half of the time these newspeople don't know what the hell they are talking about.

Gweg: Because, unlike you, I actually care about what is happening in the world.

Satyr: Mark my words, that shit will make you paranoid. I'm going to my room and waiting for calls from the newspapers.

Gweg: You put your name and number on the lite-brites?

Satyr stood motionless and then slapped his forehead.

Satyr: Fuck! I knew there was something I forgot to do!

Satyr stormed into his room and Gweg could hear him cussing up a storm. Gweg turned the tv onto MSNBC and turned up the volume.

20 minutes later, Gweg was screaming for Satyr to come into the room.

Gweg: Satyr, get in here!

Satyr came out of his room and walked up to Gweg.

Satyr: What is it Gweg? I need to make plans to head out to those cities again so I can put my info on those signs.

Gweg pointed at the TV.

Gweg: You may want to reconsider.

Satyr turned toward the TV. He was baffled by what he saw.

On the TV:

Reporter: The city of Boston is in a state of panic! Earlier this morning, a man getting his morning paper out of a paper machine, reported spotting a bomb inside the paper machine. The Boston Bomb Squad blew up the paper machine with the bomb inside, but there have been two more reports by people claiming, they too, have spotted suspicious devises they refer to as bombs.

Satyr: Oh shit.

On the TV:

The reporter pulled a person off of the street for an interview.

Reporter: What is the general feeling here in Boston?

Bostonite: Everybody is scared. We all figured the terrorists would target Boston sooner or later. We have the Liberty Bell for Pete's sake. Nobody knows where these bombs have all been planted. But we are not going to take this lying down!

The Bostonite pulled a gun out of his pocket and Fired into the air.

Bostonite: Come and get us Terrorist! We'll throw your asses into the sea just like we did that British Tea!

Reporter: There you have it America. Boston is in a state of complete anarchy in retaliation for the bombs. This could be a dark day in American history, but as you heard from that Boston resident, the Bostonites will not take this lying down. Boston has always had a history of standing up for their freedom. Terrorists, you have picked the wrong city.

The reporter put down his mic, but somebody could be heard shouting in the backgroud.

"Hey, look over there, They got a big ass bomb."

The reporter could be heard saying, "No, it's just the camera.", but shots rang out and the video feed was cut off.

MSNBC then cut to their newsroom.

News Anchor: We don't know exactly what happened there, but we will bring you the updates as they come along. We advise people not to go to Boston, which we would like to remind you, does not have the Liberty Bell.

Gweg: We need to go to Boston.

Satyr: Are you out of your fucking mind? You saw what just happened there. There is no chance in hell I'm going there.

Gweg: You are responsible for all of this.

Satyr: Hey! It's not my fault the idiots in Boston can't tell the difference between a bomb and a lite brite.

Gweg: It doesn't matter. I don't know why I didn't make the correlation earlier. In this day in age you need to be careful with what you put out there. You can't just put up anonymous electronic devices out wherever you please. People are on the look out today for anything suspicious.

Satyr: "Anonymous electronic devices?" They are fucking lite-brites. Anyway, it's really not my problem. My info is not on there, so they can't trace any of this back to me.

Gweg: You said you put them in public places right? Well, a lot of the places you mention sometimes have security cameras around there in major cities.

Satyr: Fuck. Well, what do you want me to do?

Gweg: Go to Boston and fess up.

Satyr: Why can't I just call?

Gweg: Because they probably have a bunch of goofballs calling up to take responsibility for this. You need to go down there and show them where you put these lite-brites at.

Satyr: You are coming with me.

Gweg: There is no chance in hell of me going there.

Satyr: Come on Gweg, I need you there. You are my moral compass. You are the guy that anchors me down to this funny little world we live in.

Gweg: You just want somebody with you when they take you down.

Satyr: Ok, you are right. But come on! Even you have to admit they are seriously overreacting to this.

Gweg: Yes, I agree with you there. Fine, let's go.

Some hours later.

Satyr: Holy shit, this place is a fucking mess.

Satyr and Gweg were in Boston, which was in complete chaos.

Satyr: All of this over a couple of lite-brites.

Gweg: Come on, we need to find an official.

They hopped into their car and drove down the street.

Gweg: According to this map, the Police Station is a few blocks down this street.

Moments later, they heard an explosion next to them.

Satyr: What the blue fuck was that?

Gweg: I don't know.

They looked up and saw a small group of people throwing grenades at cars in the street.

Satyr: We need to get the fuck out of here.

Gweg: You are right.

Gweg pulled off onto another street and and immediately all four tires of their car went flat.

Gweg: Shit! I Think we just ran over a spike strip.

Satyr: We'll be sitting ducks in this car. We need to get out.

They got out of the car. As they stepped out, they heard gunfire.

Satyr: Run!

They ran towards an alley way, but were followed by two men with machine guns.

Man # 1: We'll get you, you terrorist scum!

Satyr and Gweg kept running, they ran into another alley, only to find it was a dead end.

Satyr: It looks like this is it.

Gweg: I knew you would be the death of me.

Satyr: Before we die, I just want you to know, that I have always valued our friendship.

Gweg: Really?

Satyr: Fuck no! In fact, I blame you for getting me into this mess in the first place. I didn't want to come here, but noooo!, we had to do things the "Gweg Way". And now it's going to get us gunned down. Way to go, you ethical idiot.

The two men with guns came around the corner and aimed at Gweg and Satyr.

Man #1: This is what happens when you try to blow up our city.

Gweg put his head down while Satyr gave him an angry glance. Then they heard another man shout..

"Get down dammit!"

Gweg and Satyr threw themselves to the ground as the man who shouted came out of nowhere and gunned the two men down.

Satyr: You just saved our lives. Who are you?

The Man: My name is Jake Brower and I work for CPU and today is the longest day of my life.

Gweg: Thanks for saving us.

Jake: I don't know who you guys are, but if you want to survive, you need to stick with me. There are four more bombs out there. They were planted by terrorists working for the president who is working for a group of men, one whom is my brother, secretly running the country by starting wars and controlling oil and arms sales, while making a deal with a hidden alien race to remove them from the earth when the apocalypse occurs.

Satyr: Who in the hell thought up that cockamamie story? There are no bombs, they are lite-brites!

Jake: This is no time to argue, dammit. I need to find out what time it is.

Gweg: I have a watch.

Jake: That's not how I do things.

Jake went up to a teenager who was hiding behind a trash can.

Jake picked him up and twisted his arm around his back.

Jake: Tell me what time it is, dammit!

The Boy: I don't know!

Jake: Don't make me hurt you!

The Boy: It's 3 minutes till 5 o'clock.

Jake: I don't belive you.

Jake took out his pocket knife and started cutting off the boys ear.

Jake: Are you ready to tell me the truth.

The Boy: Yes! It's exactly 5 o'clock.

Jake: Good.

Jake threw the boy down.

Satyr: Jesus fuck! That was a little extreme wasn't it?

Jake: He did it to himself.

Gweg: What was the point of all that?

Jake: For this: The following takes place between 5:00 PM and 6:00 PM.

Satyr: You are fucking crazy.

Jake: Dammit! We need to locate these bombs. You either help me or you stay out of my way!

Satyr: I'm not going to tell you again! They are lite-brites!

Jake: They are bombs and I am the only person in America that can stop them.

Gweg leaned up to Satyr and whispered in his ear.

Gweg: I'm starting to agree with you, coming here was a bad mistake.

Satyr: How do we always keep running into the psychos.

Gweg: I think it's me. I'm a freak magnet.

Satyr: Yeah, the freaks are always hovering around you.

They looked over at Jake who was talking on a cell phone.

Jake: Dammit, Clea, I need those satellite photos right now! No dammit, it can't take that long, these events happen in real time!

Satyr: Let's inch away from him very quietly.

Satyr and Gweg started to move away.

Jake: You two, hold it! I need you two to cover me while I go commandeer a vehicle.

Satyr: Cover you! With what, our good looks and fists?

Jake: Grab the guns of those two guys there! Do it now!

Gweg: Let's do what the crazy man says.

Gweg and Satyr picked up the guns.

Jake: You stay here and keep a look out while you follow me and cover my rear.

Satyr: Wait a second, who does what now?

Jake: Dammit, just do what I say!

Satyr: Yes boss.

Jake ran out into the road and pointed his gun at the driver of a taxi.

Jake: My name is Jake Brower and I work for CPU and I need to take this vehicle.

The taxi driver got out. He was of Middle Eastern descent.

The Taxi Driver: Sure man, take it, it's all yours.

Jake: What did you just say?

Gweg got worried.

Gweg: He said to take the car.

Jake: Nobody gives up their car that easy, he's one of them!

Satyr: There is no "them"! It's a bunch of lite-brites!

Jake didn't pay attention. He drew his gun on the owner of the car.

Jake: Very slowly, get down on your knees and put your hands behind your back.

The Taxi Driver: I didn't do anything, I just want to get out of this crazy city.

Jake pulled out his cell phone.

Jake: Clea, it's me, Jack. I just got confirmation from one of the terrorists that the bombs will go off within the hour.

Gweg: That's not what he said at all!

Jake: Be quiet! This man knows where the bombs are. And he will tell me.

Jake pulled a hacksaw out of the back of his shirt.

Satyr: He's been running around with that thing strapped to his back all day?

Gweg: You really stirred up some serious shit this time around.

Satyr: I don't know how we are going to get out of this one. Holy shit! Look at what he's doing.

Jake had begun sawing of the Taxi Driver's arm while putting on a tourniquet.

Jake: It doesn't have to be this way. All you need to do is tell me where the bombs are!

The Taxi Driver: Please, no more. I don't know where the bombs are at!

Jake kept on cutting.

Jake: Tell me where the bombs are at. dammit!

Satyr and Gweg looked on.

Satyr: I'm beginning to think we need to plant real bombs just to end this whole mess.

Gweg: That may be the smartest idea you have ever come up with.

Gweg and Satyr snuck away with the screams of the Taxi Driver and the yelling of Jake Brower behind them.

Satyr: Where are we going to get real bombs.

Gweg: We are not. You are going to tell CPU where you put the lite-brites.

Satyr: What?

Gweg: You are going to pretend to be a terrorist and you are going to claim that you've had a change of heart and you are going to tell them where the "bombs" are at.

Satyr: I think I'm, starting to rub off on you Gweg, because that asinine idea sounds like something I would come up with.

Gweg: Don't ever say I'm acting like you ever again.

Satyr called CPU and told them where the "bombs" were at.

Satyr hung up the phone.

Satyr: There, it's done, now let's get the hell out of this fucked up town.

Gweg: For the first time, you and I are on the same page.

As they turned to walk away, Jake Brower stepped out of nowhere.

Jake: Come on. CPU was just contacted by one of the terrorists and we know where the bombs are at.

Satyr: How in the hell did you find us so fast. We hopped in that cab and drove ten blocks away from you.

Jake: There's no time to explain that, dammit. We need to diffuse these bombs now. We need to head over to the bridge that's on the outside of town.

Four minutes later.

Jake: They said the bomb is under the bridge. Help me look for it, dammit.

Satyr: You like to say "dammit" alot, don't you?

Jake: This is no time for games.

Satyr: I know where the bomb is. It's a few feet over there.

Jake went over to where Satyr pointed.

Jake: This isn't a bomb, this is a lite-brite, dammit!

Satyr: That's exactly what I have been trying to tell you.

Jake: You have just compromised this entire situation. We know about these stupid lite-brites with what appears to be a baby Hitler and a siamese twin Jesus. We have four bombs ready to explode in Boston and you have just wasted my time with these stupid toys. Their deaths will be on your heads.

Satyr: You know about the lite-brites?

Jake: Yes. And if the bombs go off, I will personally make sure that everybody knows about how you and your lite-brites are responsible for those people's deaths.

Satyr: Hot damn! You can't buy publicity like that.

Just as Satyr said that, several bombs went off in the city off Boston.

A few days later.

Gweg walked into the apartment to find Satyr watching TV.

Gweg: Well, did you find any buyers for your comic?

Satyr: No. No newspaper wants to print the comic that is connected with the destruction of Boston.

Gweg: Tough luck. Well, once again, it looks like nothing good came out of one of your stupid ideas.

Satyr: Really? Guess again.

Satyr pointed to the TV.

On the TV:

Reporter: Breaking news. Paris Hilton was detonated by the Las Angeles Bomb Squad today after if was reported that there was a strange glow coming out of her vagina. After the incident in Boston, no chances were taken.

The End.