Let me introduce you to our mighty heroes, The Power Pack! We have Pillz, the fearless leader and holder of the mighty Power Ring! We have Pero, the young man with the incredible power to turn into the mighty PeroHulk. And there's that other guy, Primus, who named himself after a band!
Let's see what our intrepid heroes are up too!
Pillz: How many times do I have to tell you Primus, when the Problem Phone is ringing, you answer it!
Primus: Why am I the one who always has to answer the damn phone?
Pillz: You don't have to answer it all the time, but when you are standing right next to it when it's ringing, as you were seconds ago, I think it would be a little considerate to answer it.
Primus: Why didn't you answer it?
Pillz: I was in the other room.
Primus: Well, if it's important, they'll call back.
Pillz: Of course it was important! That's the Problem Phone, people only call it when they have a problem!
Primus: Ok! Fine, if it means that much to you, I'll just star 69 them.
Primus picked up the phone and pressed *69. The call went through and a woman answered.
Woman: Is this the Power Pack?
Primus: Yes mam it is. How can we help you.
Pillz walked up next to Primus and snatched the phone from his hand.
Pillz: Give me that. (to the caller)Hello miss, I'm Pillz, the leader of the Power Pack, how can we be of service to you?
Primus sat down on the couch and watched Pillz talk to the woman on the phone. Pero was sitting next to Primus on the couch. Primus turned to him.
Primus: He thinks he's so cool doesn't he? He doesn't even have any real powers. All he has is that stupid ring, take the ring away from him and what do you got? Just some geek obsessed with comics.
Pero: I like the Family Circus.
Primus: Not those kind of comics. Comic books.
Pero: My mom says I can't have comic books. She says they'll just rot my brain.
Primus: But she lets you play video games.
Pero: She thinks my playing video games is good. She says they help build good hand-eye coordination. She also makes sure I have a video game to play whenever she takes the landlord into her bedroom to pay the rent.
Pillz was done talking to the woman on the phone. He stood in front of Primus and Pero.
Pillz: Ok boys, time to suit up. We've got work to do.
Primus: Yay, the highlight of my day.
Pillz: You got an itch you need helped scratched?
Primus: Yeah, I got an itch. And that itch is you! Who decided you were going to be our leader?
Pillz: First of all, I did. Second of all, I didn't ask for you to team up with me, you begged me to let you be my sidekick. Third of all, I'm the oldest.
Primus: One of these days, you're going to realize how important I am to this group.
Pillz: When that day comes, you be sure to let me know.
Primus: Oh don't worry, it'll be the most important day of your life.
Pillz: Fine, if that makes you happy. Just get dressed.
Primus: But our costumes are in the wash.
Pillz: We are not wearing our costumes. We are wearing our dress suits.
Primus: What? Why?
Pillz: We are going to church.
Primus: What are we going to church for?
Pillz: That's were the job is. Just get dressed, I'll explain on the way.
Pillz, Primus, and Pero got into the Power Porsche, Pillz' new car. Pillz got into the driver side and Primus sat in the passenger seat, with Pero on his lap.
Primus: Why couldn't you get something that had more than two seats?
Pillz: Because I always wanted to own one of these.
Pero: I don't mind having to sit in his lap. My Uncle Max would dress up as Santa Clause and make me sit in his lap all of the time. Even when it wasn't around Christmas time.
Primus: I want to drive.
Pillz: No, you are not going to drive this...ever. I want to make one thing clear before we head out; this is my car, not "our" car.
Primus: Yes master.
Pillz: That's more like it.
Pillz put the car in drive and headed for the church.
Primus: So, why are we going to church again?
Pillz: The lady who called said that she is concerned that somebody in her church has been up to no good.
Primus: Who does she suspect.
Pillz: The Reverend.
Primus: Oh no. He's not molesting little boys is he?
Pillz: She didn't say anything about that. She said she went to the church one night to seek the Reverend's help with some issues she was having. When she went into the church, she saw the Reverend practicing some dark magic.
Pero: My mother used to make me go to church. But not anymore. We are Catholic. The priest told me and my friends that masturbating was a sin, because we are killing life. Every sperm is sacred he said. Just like in that Monty Python movie. I used to watch that show all the time. My favorite skit was the dead parrot. I don't like birds that much. They always poop on my dad's car and he starts cussing and screaming at them. Mom just shakes her head and wonders out loud when that Prozac she slipped into his drink was going to kick in. My mom has a lot of medicine. She's says it's for depression. Dad said she needs to go back to church and that will help her, not the medicine. But mom stopped going to church after she saw the priest helping me and my friends properly dispose of excess sperm.
Primus shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
Pillz: Thank you for that one Pero. Ah, it looks like we are here.
Pillz parked the Power Porsche and the trio got out.
Primus: I think we are late.
Pillz: It doesn't matter. Let's just go in.
Primus: What is this dude's name?
Pillz: The Reverend Shiatmipantz.
Primus: Shiatmipantz?
Pillz: Yes.
Primus: That's a very odd name.
Pillz: Yes it is, let's just go in.
The three went into the church and found and empty pew. The Reverend, who was in the middle of a sermon, saw them sit down.
Rev. Shiatmipantz: Now, my brothers and sisters, I have spoke to you of the Holy Trinity! Now, I shall speak to you of the Unholy Trinity! That's right, this is not on the Bible, this is something that has recently been born out of the womb of the Beast! An Unholy Trinity! This Trinity is of three men with powers given to them from the Devil! This Unholy Trinity is here for one reason only! To pave the way for the Anti-Christ! Beware of their power! But you should know this, brothers and sisters! There is one power that can stop these agents of Satan! That is the power of the Lord Jesus Christ!
The congregation let out a collective "Amen!"
Primus leaned over to Pillz and whispered to him.
Primus: I think he's talking about us.
Pillz: No shit Sherlock.
Primus: Why do you have to be mean to me?
Pillz: Not now.
Rev. Shiatmipantz: You have been warned my brethren! Now, go out and tell your friends to be aware! Be aware of the Unholy Trinity!
The congregation left their pews and the church. The Power Pack stayed behind.
The Reverend stared at the Power Pack with a wicked smile on his face. When it was just him and them left in the church, the Reverend spoke to them.
Rev. Shiatmipantz: Well, I was wondering when I'd get to test my faith against you servants of Satan.
Pillz: We do not work for the devil. We work for truth, justice, and the American way.
Primus rolled his eyes.
Rev. Shiatmipantz saw this.
Rev. Shiatmipantz: You call yourself a leader? Even your own partner there knows when you are full of shit. I know it too. I know all about shit. For I am the Reverend Shit My Pants!
The Reverend grabbed the cross that stood on his podium. He aimed the cross at Primus.
Rev. Shit My Pants: The power of Christ compels you!
The cross lit up and shot a beam out at Primus. The light surrounded him and then went out. Primus felt his bowels let go.
Primus: I just shit my pants!
The rank odor of the excrement quickly filled the church.
Rev. Shit My Pants: That's right. I have prayed to God to show me the way to cleanse the people of their sins, and this is the way!
The Reverend aimed his cross at Pillz.
Rev. Shit My Pants: Now it's time to cleanse your soul.
The light shot out of the cross, but Pillz was ready for it. Pillz shot a beam of light out of his ring and the two lights met in between the two fighters. The lights pushed against each other.
Pillz: It's a battle of willpower now, Reverend.
Pillz stepped toward the Reverend, pushing more of his willpower into his Power Ring.
Rev. Shit My Pants: The power of the Lord is all I need to win this battle.
The Reverend grabbed his Bible and pointed it at Pillz. The Bible lit up like the cross and a beam of light shot out of it too.
The combined light of the Bible and the Cross was a little more than Pillz could handle. The Reverend's light was beating out Pillz' Power Ring and making it's way to Pillz.
Primus knew what he had to do. He went over to Pero, who was still sitting in the pew.
Pero: You stink.
Primus: Nevermind that now, don't you see what's going on?
Pero: Pillz and that Reverend are fighting.
Primus: Aren't you going to help?
Pero: I'm an atheist now, I don't want to get into the middle of a religious debate.
Primus: They are not having a religious debate! You need to hulk out and stop him!
Pero: I can't hulk out unless I get mad.
Primus thought hard to figure out how to get Pero mad at the reverend.
Primus: The Reverend over there is the one who convinced Wal-Mart not to sell Grand theft Auto: San Andreas.
Pero: I'm going to kick his ass.
Pero stood up and began his transformation into the Mighty PeroHulk.
The Reverend's light was just inches away from making contact with Pillz, but then he saw PeroHulk making his way towards him and aimed the Bible at him.
The light from the Bible surrounded PeroHulk, but nothing happened.
Rev. Shit My Pants: What's happening? Why isn't he shitting his pants?
PeroHulk: Pero like cheese!
PeroHulk reached out for the Reverend, but the Reverend dropped his thing and took off running.
Primus picked up the cross and saw a button on it. He aimed the cross at the running Reverend and pressed the button. A light shot out and got the Reverend.
Rev. Shit My Pants: No!!!! These were my best pants!
10 minutes later, the police arrived to take Rev. Shit My Pants into custody.
The Police Chief looked at the cross and the Bible that Pillz handed over to him for evidence.
Police Chief: So, these are what he used to make people shit their pants?
Pillz: Yes. However, these aren't tools of some Divine Power. They are both just ray guns, dressed up to look like everyday church items.
Police Chief: Well, thanks to you, he won't be preaching the power of poop anymore.
Pillz: Anytime Chief.
Pillz went over to Primus and Pero. Primus had just got done changing into a new pair of pants and underwear.
Pillz: well, good job team. Another bad guy down.
Pero: If he had only he had called himself Preacher Poopy Pants, he could have been a part of our team.
Pillz: I don't think so.
Primus: Uh-hem!
Pillz: Yes Primus?
Primus: Don't you owe me some thanks? I was the one who got Pero to save your ass.
Pillz: Ok, thank you.
Primus: That's more like it. You can be leader all you want. All I ask is for some respect. Because it seems to me, you rely on that ring a little more than you do your team.
Pillz: You know what. You may be right. I'll take that into much consideration. But you know what Primus?
Primus: What?
Pillz: At least I didn't shit my pants.
THE END
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Da Satyr Code Part 2
Gweg woke up with a scream.
He looked at his clock, he had only been asleep for a couple of hours. He thought back to the scene at the ASL headquarters. He had never seen that much of a bloodbath before. Sure, he had witnessed things getting killed and mutilated before, a satyr, a humanoid female reproductive system, an alien mime, the unborn fetus of Jesus, a bunch of six-foot chickens, but he has never seen that much human carnage.
The weight of what he witnessed was starting to bear down on him. He needed some answers.
He got out of bed and headed to the living room. Satyr was still on the couch watching TV.
Gweg: I want some answers!
Satyr: You still going on about that whole nonsense. Give it a rest already.
Gweg: No, I won't give it a rest. I can't believe that I did it, but I actually defended you against those people. And those people died because of you!
Satyr: What the fuck? They didn't die because of me. I didn't pull any triggers! I sure as hell didn't tell anyone to do it!
Gweg: I don't know. A lot of what they told me is starting to make sense. What are you hiding from me?
Satyr: Will you quit acting like you are my wife. It's really starting to creep me out.
Gweg felt his blood start to boil.
Gweg: Fine. For arguments sake, I'll go along with you not knowing about any of these people, but I want to know if they were telling the truth about your past.
Satyr: Yes, I'm linked to Mt. Olympus through magic. Didn't I already explain that to you after I killed my brother?
Gweg: You may have. But that's not what I'm interested in. I want to know about Pearl Harbor, JFK, all of that.
Satyr: Fine. I'll tell you. The Pearl Harbor thing is crap, but the JFK thing...
Satyr trailed off and looked at the floor.
Gweg: What about it?
Satyr: You have got to promise me what I'm about to say does not leave this room.
Gweg: So you did have something to do with the assassination!
Satyr: No I didn't! But I was there in Dallas when he was shot. In fact, I was at Dealey Plaza as well.
Gweg: Ok. I promise, just tell me what happened.
Satyr: First thing you need to know, it was the 60's and the world was starting to change....
FLASHBACK!
The place is Dallas, Texas. The date was November 22, 1963. The place is a restaurant located near Dealey Plaza.
Satyr was eating lunch with a fellow he met at a bar last night. The man's name was Eddie Samson.
Eddie: I thought it over. I'll do it. For 50 bucks.
Satyr: That's sounds reasonable. You got the costume?
Eddie: Yes. A construction worker, right?
Satyr: Yeah.
Eddie: Ok, when do you want to meet?
Satyr: Be there at a quarter past noon.
Eddie: Ok. But you should know, this is the first time I've ever done something like this.
Satyr: Don't worry, you'll do fine. This is a once in the life time opportunity and I don't want to pass it up.
Eddie: Well, I must say, it's a bit odd. I've been paid to do a lot of things, but never to dress up like a construction worker to...
Satyr interrupted him.
Satyr: Keep your voice down! Don't talk about it here.
Eddie: Sorry.
Satyr: Ok, I need to go out and get something, so I'll see you behind the fence.
Satyr got up and threw some money down on the table.
At 12:10, Satyr arrived at the rendezvous spot. He was dressed as a cop.
Five minutes later, Eddie arrived dressed as a construction worker.
Eddie: What's up with your costume?
Satyr: Don't question it. It's all part of the illusion.
Eddie: When do you want to start this?
Satyr: I've got a buddy out there with an umbrella. He'll signal us when it's time. In the meantime, we better get ready, let me get my gun out.
Eddie: Wow, it's big.
Satyr: I know. It always gets the job done. Get into position.
Eddie got where he needed to be.
Satyr: Any minute now. Ok, there's the signal.
At that moment, a shot rang out. Followed by two more.
Eddie: What's going on!
Satyr: Somebody shot Kennedy!.
Eddie: What? It can't be!
Satyr: I know! We need to get the hell out of here.
Satyr and Eddie took off running across the train yard that was located near the grassy knoll.
End of the
FLASHBACK!
Gweg: Ah ha! So, you were going to shoot Kennedy but Oswald beat you to it! Oliver Stone was half right, there was a shooter on the grassy knoll. It was you!
Satyr just shook his head.
Satyr:I wasn't there to shoot Kennedy! I was there to get a blow job!
Gweg: What?
Satyr: That's what I paid Eddie to do! He was going to give me head. I had always wanted to get sucked on by a construction worker during a presidential motorcade.
Gweg: Really?
Satyr: Yes. Why do you think I hate the movie JFK? I know the truth about the whole "grassy knoll" thing, but I can't tell anybody.
Gweg: You are fucking twisted.
Satyr: I know. It's not something I'm proud of, it's just the way I am.
Gweg: Fine. What about the other things?
Satyr: Mostly lies. I've never been to Oklahoma City and I was never around for some shuttle launch. I was in New York City on 9/11 though.
Gweg: Why?
Satyr: I was going to be in some Jackie Chan move, but he couldn't film there that day.
Gweg: Are you being serious?
Satyr: Yes. Listen, I want you to take me there.
Gweg: Where?
Satyr: To the ASL headquarters. I want to see this shit for myself.
Gweg: I'm not sure I really want to go back. It's a pretty bloody scene.
Satyr: Don't be a baby. Just take me there.
Gweg and Satyr got into the car and headed to the building where the massacre had occurred.
They arrived there and Gweg and Satyr went inside.
Satyr: You were right, this is a bloody mess.
Gweg: I can't believe the cops haven't shown up yet.
Satyr: Did you call them?
Gweg: No, but I figured somebody had to have heard all of that gunfire.
Satyr: Just to be safe, Gweg, lock the doors.
Gweg: Why?
Satyr: So we don't get any unexpected company.
Gweg locked the doors.
Satyr looked all around the table.
Satyr: So, these were all ASL and LOL members, eh?
Gweg: Yeah.
Satyr: And there was only one person besides you who survived?
Gweg: Yeah.
Satyr: Good.
Gweg: What do you mean good?
Satyr turned around and grinned at Gweg.
Satyr: Oh, the less people who know what has happened here the better. Don't you agree?
Gweg: I guess so.
Satyr: I wasn't talking to you.
Gweg was shocked to see Sinister Isles step out from the shadows.
Sinister Isles: I agree master.
Gweg: What the fuck is going on here?
Satyr rubbed his knuckles against his chest.
Satyr: I don't like to brag. Ok, that's a lie, I love to brag! What is happening here is a testament to my superior intellect.
Sinister: All hail the Satyr!
Satyr waved his hand in the direction of the bodies on the floor.
Satyr: You see what happens when you mess with me Gweg. Bad shit happens.
Gweg: You fucking monster!
Sinister: So, does he know everything?
Satyr: He knows enough. Too much in fact. Take care of him.
Sinister pulled out his gun.
Gweg: You'll never get away with this!
Satyr: You say that every time. But this time, you are dead wrong.
Satyr laughed at his own bad pun.
Sinister aimed the gun at Gweg's head and pulled the trigger.
No bullet came out. Instead, a stick with a flag on it saying "BANG!" came out of the barrel.
Satyr and Sinister burst out laughing.
Gweg's face had morphed from sheer terror into fiery hot rage.
Gweg: WHAT THE FUCK?
All of the bodies on the floor started getting to their feet.
Satyr: On 3. 1. 2. 3...
Everyone except Gweg: April Fools!
Gweg: April fools! APRIL FOOLS! It's June, you son of a bitch!
Satyr: Ha ha ha! You should have seen the look on your face!
Gweg: What the fuck is going on!
Satyr: Oh, sweet revenge. This is for all the times you have fucked over my plans! Oh, this was all worth it. Hiring all of these actors, telling you all of those half truths. It was perfect.
Gweg: All of this was a joke?
Satyr: Yes. Isn't it great! Where's that video camera?
One of the actors dressed as an ASL member brought Satyr a handheld digital video camera. It showed the events that happened earlier that night.
Satyr: Oh, look at him hiding under the table like a little bitch! Victory is mine!
Gweg: I really fucking hate you.
The End.
He looked at his clock, he had only been asleep for a couple of hours. He thought back to the scene at the ASL headquarters. He had never seen that much of a bloodbath before. Sure, he had witnessed things getting killed and mutilated before, a satyr, a humanoid female reproductive system, an alien mime, the unborn fetus of Jesus, a bunch of six-foot chickens, but he has never seen that much human carnage.
The weight of what he witnessed was starting to bear down on him. He needed some answers.
He got out of bed and headed to the living room. Satyr was still on the couch watching TV.
Gweg: I want some answers!
Satyr: You still going on about that whole nonsense. Give it a rest already.
Gweg: No, I won't give it a rest. I can't believe that I did it, but I actually defended you against those people. And those people died because of you!
Satyr: What the fuck? They didn't die because of me. I didn't pull any triggers! I sure as hell didn't tell anyone to do it!
Gweg: I don't know. A lot of what they told me is starting to make sense. What are you hiding from me?
Satyr: Will you quit acting like you are my wife. It's really starting to creep me out.
Gweg felt his blood start to boil.
Gweg: Fine. For arguments sake, I'll go along with you not knowing about any of these people, but I want to know if they were telling the truth about your past.
Satyr: Yes, I'm linked to Mt. Olympus through magic. Didn't I already explain that to you after I killed my brother?
Gweg: You may have. But that's not what I'm interested in. I want to know about Pearl Harbor, JFK, all of that.
Satyr: Fine. I'll tell you. The Pearl Harbor thing is crap, but the JFK thing...
Satyr trailed off and looked at the floor.
Gweg: What about it?
Satyr: You have got to promise me what I'm about to say does not leave this room.
Gweg: So you did have something to do with the assassination!
Satyr: No I didn't! But I was there in Dallas when he was shot. In fact, I was at Dealey Plaza as well.
Gweg: Ok. I promise, just tell me what happened.
Satyr: First thing you need to know, it was the 60's and the world was starting to change....
FLASHBACK!
The place is Dallas, Texas. The date was November 22, 1963. The place is a restaurant located near Dealey Plaza.
Satyr was eating lunch with a fellow he met at a bar last night. The man's name was Eddie Samson.
Eddie: I thought it over. I'll do it. For 50 bucks.
Satyr: That's sounds reasonable. You got the costume?
Eddie: Yes. A construction worker, right?
Satyr: Yeah.
Eddie: Ok, when do you want to meet?
Satyr: Be there at a quarter past noon.
Eddie: Ok. But you should know, this is the first time I've ever done something like this.
Satyr: Don't worry, you'll do fine. This is a once in the life time opportunity and I don't want to pass it up.
Eddie: Well, I must say, it's a bit odd. I've been paid to do a lot of things, but never to dress up like a construction worker to...
Satyr interrupted him.
Satyr: Keep your voice down! Don't talk about it here.
Eddie: Sorry.
Satyr: Ok, I need to go out and get something, so I'll see you behind the fence.
Satyr got up and threw some money down on the table.
At 12:10, Satyr arrived at the rendezvous spot. He was dressed as a cop.
Five minutes later, Eddie arrived dressed as a construction worker.
Eddie: What's up with your costume?
Satyr: Don't question it. It's all part of the illusion.
Eddie: When do you want to start this?
Satyr: I've got a buddy out there with an umbrella. He'll signal us when it's time. In the meantime, we better get ready, let me get my gun out.
Eddie: Wow, it's big.
Satyr: I know. It always gets the job done. Get into position.
Eddie got where he needed to be.
Satyr: Any minute now. Ok, there's the signal.
At that moment, a shot rang out. Followed by two more.
Eddie: What's going on!
Satyr: Somebody shot Kennedy!.
Eddie: What? It can't be!
Satyr: I know! We need to get the hell out of here.
Satyr and Eddie took off running across the train yard that was located near the grassy knoll.
End of the
FLASHBACK!
Gweg: Ah ha! So, you were going to shoot Kennedy but Oswald beat you to it! Oliver Stone was half right, there was a shooter on the grassy knoll. It was you!
Satyr just shook his head.
Satyr:I wasn't there to shoot Kennedy! I was there to get a blow job!
Gweg: What?
Satyr: That's what I paid Eddie to do! He was going to give me head. I had always wanted to get sucked on by a construction worker during a presidential motorcade.
Gweg: Really?
Satyr: Yes. Why do you think I hate the movie JFK? I know the truth about the whole "grassy knoll" thing, but I can't tell anybody.
Gweg: You are fucking twisted.
Satyr: I know. It's not something I'm proud of, it's just the way I am.
Gweg: Fine. What about the other things?
Satyr: Mostly lies. I've never been to Oklahoma City and I was never around for some shuttle launch. I was in New York City on 9/11 though.
Gweg: Why?
Satyr: I was going to be in some Jackie Chan move, but he couldn't film there that day.
Gweg: Are you being serious?
Satyr: Yes. Listen, I want you to take me there.
Gweg: Where?
Satyr: To the ASL headquarters. I want to see this shit for myself.
Gweg: I'm not sure I really want to go back. It's a pretty bloody scene.
Satyr: Don't be a baby. Just take me there.
Gweg and Satyr got into the car and headed to the building where the massacre had occurred.
They arrived there and Gweg and Satyr went inside.
Satyr: You were right, this is a bloody mess.
Gweg: I can't believe the cops haven't shown up yet.
Satyr: Did you call them?
Gweg: No, but I figured somebody had to have heard all of that gunfire.
Satyr: Just to be safe, Gweg, lock the doors.
Gweg: Why?
Satyr: So we don't get any unexpected company.
Gweg locked the doors.
Satyr looked all around the table.
Satyr: So, these were all ASL and LOL members, eh?
Gweg: Yeah.
Satyr: And there was only one person besides you who survived?
Gweg: Yeah.
Satyr: Good.
Gweg: What do you mean good?
Satyr turned around and grinned at Gweg.
Satyr: Oh, the less people who know what has happened here the better. Don't you agree?
Gweg: I guess so.
Satyr: I wasn't talking to you.
Gweg was shocked to see Sinister Isles step out from the shadows.
Sinister Isles: I agree master.
Gweg: What the fuck is going on here?
Satyr rubbed his knuckles against his chest.
Satyr: I don't like to brag. Ok, that's a lie, I love to brag! What is happening here is a testament to my superior intellect.
Sinister: All hail the Satyr!
Satyr waved his hand in the direction of the bodies on the floor.
Satyr: You see what happens when you mess with me Gweg. Bad shit happens.
Gweg: You fucking monster!
Sinister: So, does he know everything?
Satyr: He knows enough. Too much in fact. Take care of him.
Sinister pulled out his gun.
Gweg: You'll never get away with this!
Satyr: You say that every time. But this time, you are dead wrong.
Satyr laughed at his own bad pun.
Sinister aimed the gun at Gweg's head and pulled the trigger.
No bullet came out. Instead, a stick with a flag on it saying "BANG!" came out of the barrel.
Satyr and Sinister burst out laughing.
Gweg's face had morphed from sheer terror into fiery hot rage.
Gweg: WHAT THE FUCK?
All of the bodies on the floor started getting to their feet.
Satyr: On 3. 1. 2. 3...
Everyone except Gweg: April Fools!
Gweg: April fools! APRIL FOOLS! It's June, you son of a bitch!
Satyr: Ha ha ha! You should have seen the look on your face!
Gweg: What the fuck is going on!
Satyr: Oh, sweet revenge. This is for all the times you have fucked over my plans! Oh, this was all worth it. Hiring all of these actors, telling you all of those half truths. It was perfect.
Gweg: All of this was a joke?
Satyr: Yes. Isn't it great! Where's that video camera?
One of the actors dressed as an ASL member brought Satyr a handheld digital video camera. It showed the events that happened earlier that night.
Satyr: Oh, look at him hiding under the table like a little bitch! Victory is mine!
Gweg: I really fucking hate you.
The End.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
The Pero Story
Pero woke up with a scream.
Pero: What? Where? What's going on?
Pero had woken up in the apartment of Pillz. Pillz, Primus, and Pero were all there hanging out, waiting for a case to crack. Pillz and Primus were playing video games, Pero had fallen asleep on the couch.
Pillz: You dosed off. You had that dream again.
Pero: The dream about Colin Farrel on the treadmill?
Pillz: Uh, no. I think it was the dream about the gunmen at your school.
Pero: Why is there a dart sticking into my neck?
Pillz: Because every time you have that dream, you start to hulk out.
Pero: Oh. I'm sorry.
Pillz: It's not your fault.
Primus: I'm curious about something. How did you get to be the way you are?
Pero: I got new contacts. And my ear is pierced.
Primus: No, not that. How did you get to be PeroHulk? Do you even know?
Pero stared blankly ahead for awhile. Primus didn't think he was going to get an answer, but Pero began to spoke.
Pero: It happened last year. I don't like to talk about it, but you guys are my friends.
Pillz: You don't have to tell us if you don't to.
Pero: No, I need to tell this. Besides, if we're a team and you guys need to know.
Primus: Before you start, let me finish this level first.
Pillz slapped him across the shoulder.
Primus: Ow! What was that for?
Pillz: I felt like it. Now turn off the video game and listen to Pero.
Pero: It all happened one day at school.....
Flashback!
Pero was sitting at his desk in class. The teacher had called on him to answer a question.
Pero: The event horizon is the part of a black hole where nothing can escape. This includes light and some would even say time.
Teacher: That's very good Pero.
Pero: Thank you.
Teacher: But this is math class and I asked you what the Pythagorean theorem was.
The class let out a laugh.
Teacher: It's ok Pero, I'm glad to see at least the science teacher is getting somewhere with you.
After the class was over, the students went out into the hall. Pero went out the door and headed towards his locker. A few students were following him.
Student 1: Good job in math class Pero!
Student 2: Yeah, you seem to know a lot about those black holes. Is that because your heads always up in space?
Student 3: Maybe those aren't the black holes Pero's interested in.
Student 2: How about it Pero? You only like the black holes that you can stick your rocket into?
The three boys let out a laugh and high-fived each other. A female student had stepped up behind them.
Female Student: You guys leave Pero alone.
Pero had been ignoring the three boys, but when he heard the girl speak, his ears perked up. The voice belonged to Michelle, the girl Pero had a crush on since the fourth grade.
Student 1: Ah come one Michelle, we're just joking with him. Ain't that right, Pero?
Pero: I don't know who you are.
The boy gave Pero comical look and took off with his two friends.
Michelle: I hate guys like them.
Pero: They're just trying to have a little fun.
Michelle: Yeah, at your expense!
Pero: I don't let it bother me. Life's too short to let assholes like them get in your way.
Michelle: You really amaze me sometime. Will you walk me to my next class?
Pero: Yeah.
On the way to the class, Michelle talked to Pero about a boy she liked. It hurt Pero's feelings to hear her talk about other boys, but Pero listened all the same.
Michelle: Sarah told me she heard him tell Jim that he thought I looked hot in my outfit the other day. But I just don't know if he likes me as a person.
Pero: How could he not?
Michelle: You are so sweet Pero. I'm glad we're friends.
Pero: Me too.
Pero wanted to munster up the courage to tell her he wished they could be more than just friends, but he couldn't. He never could. They arrived at her classroom.
Michelle: Where, here I am. Thanks for walking me here.
Pero: Anytime.
Michelle: What class you going to now?
Pero: Science.
Michelle: You always do so well in science class. I wish I had your smarts there.
Pero: I just like trying to find out how the world and the universe work.
Michelle: Sometimes I think it's harder trying to figure out how you work.
As she it, she gave Pero a wink and I smile.
Michelle: See you later.
She went into the classroom and Pero took off to science class. When he got there, he sat next to his best friend, Jason.
Jason: You look down in the dumps man, what's wrong?
Pero: Nothing. I'm fine.
Jason: You got that same look you had when your parents told you you weren't adopted. So what is it?
Pero: Michelle.
Jason: Oh key-riste!!! How many times have I told you to stop thinking about that chick?
Pero: A lot.
Jason: And I'm telling you again. Forget about her. Remember when she said you were like the brother she never had? Oh, it would have been much better had she killed you right then and there.
Pero: I like her.
Jason: Tell me something I don't know. Which reminds me, did your mom come home last night?
Pero: Yeah she did.
Jason: Good.
Pero: I have to go to the doctor tomorrow. My eyes are getting bad.
Jason: That sucks.
Pero: Mom says it's because I sit to close to the TV. I like to sit to close to it. That way people can't walk in front of it and block the TV from me. Dad blocked the TV one time, and I missed part of a commercial about some body spray that's supposed to attract women. I thought about buying some, maybe that will help Michelle like me, but dad was blocking the TV and I didn't see the name of the spray. I tried to wear cologne one time, but I accidentally put too much on and I really smelled. I like the smell of my dad's cologne. He always puts it on before he gets into bed with mommy though. He said it helps mommy not smell the horrors on him. I don't know what kind of horrors he would have on him, but my favorite horror movie is The Blair Witch Project. Somebody tried to tell me it's real, but I think it's fake. I saw one of the actors on Conan O'Brian. I like his show, it's on at late night. Whenever I watch it, I sit close to the TV so no one will interrupt it for me.
Jason: Shhh dude, class started, like, two minutes ago.
The science teacher, Mr. Colvin, was drawing a diagram on the chalkboard.
Mr. Colvin: Now, I have drawn the diagram of a black hole on the board. Can anyone explain to me what an "event horizon" is?
The class looked to Pero. Pero answered flawlessly.
When the period bell had rung, Pero and Jason got up from their seats and went to their next class, which they had together. It was P.E.
As he watched the students leave his classroom, Mr. Colvin felt warm inside. It was his free period. Time to go to the teacher's lounge and enjoy a smoke. It was the only thing that kept him sane after 15 years of teaching.
He grabbed his bag and was ready to head out of the door, when the other science teacher, Mr. Lee, came running into the classroom, almost knocking him down.
Mr. Lee: We have got a big problem!
Mr. Colvin: What is it?
Mr. Lee: The Agency has found out about the formula that we have been working on!
Mr. Colvin: How? There's no way they could know! Unless they have the school lab bugged.
Mr. Lee: I don't know how they know. But they just called me and demanded I give them the formula!
Mr. Colvin: Damn. All that research. All that work! Just for them to come in here and steal it! No. I won't let that happen. No one will get it! I will burn the all the papers and pour the formula down the drain!
Mr. Lee: No! We can't let the formula be wasted like that. We need to do something!
Mr. Colvin: Like what? We don't even know if the formula works. We never has tested it on anything! And I sure am not going to drink it.
Mr. Lee: Wait a second. What's the name of that one student who always gets picked on but never gets angry about it?
Mr. Colvin: Pero?
Mr. Lee: Yes, Pero! He would be perfect. We can give him the formula and test him later on when we have the time. If the formula does what we hope it does, it will be perfectly safe to give it to him.
Mr. Colvin: You are right. I think he's in gym class now.
Mr. Lee: Excellent. He'll be mighty thirsty after gym and we'll have the drink to quench his needs.
Mr. Colvin: Call the Agency back and tell them they are shit out of luck.
Mr. Lee: They won't like that.
Mr. Colvin: What are they going to do? We're in a school.
Meanwhile, at the school gym. The P.E. teacher had the boys doing laps around the gym.
Jason: I hate P.E. This is cruel and unusual punishment, that's what this is.
Pero: I like it.
Jason: Well, you're just weird. Oh great, Brandon is behind us.
Brandon: Come on losers, let's pick up the pace!
Brandon was the most popular boy in school. Good looking and captain of the football team. He was also the boy Michelle had a crush on.
Jason: Just because you are two laps ahead of us doesn't mean you're better than us.
Brandon: Yeah. I know. Because I'm handsome and have gotten laid, that makes me better than you. Oh, and Pero, say hi to Michelle for me. I'd tell her myself, but I'd be too busy staring at her perfect tits.
Brandon laughed and pushed himself in between Pero and Jason to get ahead of them.
Jason: What a fucking jerk.
Pero: If we colonized the moon, would you live on the side that's always dark or the side that gets illuminated by the sun?
Jason: We just get mocked by the jerk that wants to take your woman and you ask a question like that? You have got the hide of a rhino.
Pero: I've never seen a rhino. I saw a raccoon once. but it was dead on the road. I can't wait until I get my license.
Jason: You and me both. Maybe we should tell the Dungeon Master over there we don't need to run, cause we're going to drive to get where we are going.
Pero: What does she see in him?
Jason: Oh, we're going back to that now? She sees a popular jock who's strong and already has a car.
Pero: Maybe if I were strong she would like me.
Jason: She already likes you, but as a friend. That's your problem right there. She'll never be able to see past that, no matter what you do.
Pero: I should start lifting weights.
Jason: Waste of time. It's not your forte. God, this is the longest class ever.
Pero: Homeroom is longer, we have an extra 15 minutes in that class.
Jason: I know, I wasn't being literal. Oh, nevermind.
Pero: Next class is one of my favorites.
Jason: You only like it because you sit behind Michelle in that class.
Pero: Yeah. Maybe I'll ask her out this time.
Jason: You say that every time.
Pero: I always daydream in that class. I always dream about something bad happening during class and I end up saving her from the danger.
Jason: Keep dreaming man, because that's all you are ever going to have.
Pero: What's it called when you can write with both of your hands.
Jason: If it wasn't for you, I would skip this class everyday.
After P.E. was over, Pero and Jason headed towards their next class. Mr. Colvin was standing out in the hall, holding a water bottle in his hand.
Mr. Colvin: Hello Pero, my, you look sweaty.
Pero: I just got done with gym class.
Mr. Colvin: Well here, take the rest of my water, that will make you feel better.
Pero: Thanks.
Pero took the bottle and drank from it. They walked a little farther, and Jason took a look back at Mr. Colvin.
Jason: That was weird.
Pero: Did you watch Fear Factor last night too?
Jason: No. I'm talking about Colvin back there. I've never seen a teacher give a student a water bottle. It doesn't taste funny, does it?
Pero drank the rest of the bottle.
Pero: It taste a little like strawberries.
Jason: Nice. Well, I won't see you 'till after school, so have fun.
Pero: See you later.
Pero made it to his next class. As soon as he walked into the room, Michelle greeted him.
Michelle: Hey Pero!
Pero: Hi.
Michelle: So, did Brandon say anything about me in Gym?
Pero: He asked me to tell you hi.
Michelle: He did! That's great! Sarah just told me that she heard Jim tell Eric that Brandon wants to ask "her" out to prom. Sarah didn't hear who "her" was, but I bet it's me.
Pero: Yeah, it probably is.
Pero sat down in his chair. He wanted to scream at her, "You are too good for him! He just wants you for your body! You need to be with someone who appreciates you for who you are! Like me!"
But he couldn't. He never could. Although this time around, he felt something within him that he never felt before. It felt as though some force inside him was starting to build up.
Michelle: Oh, if there was just some way I could find out! Have you ever been that anxious about something Pero?
Pero: Yeah, I have.
Michelle: You know what's great about talking with you Pero? You always know how I feel.
Pero thought, "Things would be much better for me if you only knew how I feel".
As Pero and Michelle were having their conversation, Mr. Colvin and Mr. Lee were having one of their own.
Mr. Colvin: Pero drank the whole thing.
Mr. Lee: That's good, but I have bad news.
Mr. Colvin: What is it?
Mr. Lee: The Agency is sending a bunch of men here to get the formula.
Mr. Colvin: Didn't you tell them we got rid of it?
Mr. Lee: I did, but they didn't believe me.
Mr. Colvin: great. We need to get the fuck out of here.
Mr. Lee: Agreed.
The left the school.
Pero's class had already started and Pero was already daydreaming. As he did this, he always stared at the back of Michelle. It was the best view he ever had in any of his classes.
Outside in the school parking lot, 3 large vans had pulled up. And out of the vans, came out five men each. Each one of them had ski masks on and were holding rifles.
They went into the school.
In Pero's daydream, Pero had just rescued Michelle from a pack of rabid ant/gorilla hybrids. Michelle declared Pero her hero and flew into his open arms. As Pero held her close to his body, he leaned in for a kiss.
As Pero was getting into the good part, 4 of the gunmen had entered into his classroom.
Gunman 1: We are not going to hurt anyone! We just need the student named Pero!
Pero awoke from his daydream. The gunman was asking for him! He didn't know what it was all about, but Pero decided not to mess with guy holding a gun.
Pero was about to get up from his desk, but Michelle jumped out of hers.
Michelle: You're going to have to get through me before you get to Pero.
Gunman 2: Girl, we don't want to shoot you, but if you force us too, we won't hesitate.
Gunman 3: No need boys, I'll take care of this.
Gunman 3 grabbed Michelle and pulled out a handgun and held it to her head.
Gunman 3: Alright Pero, just come with us and your lady friend will live to see another day.
Pero watched all of this happen with horror. For the first time in his life, he was becoming utterly pissed. As Pero seemed to get angrier, that feeling he had earlier seemed to build up even more.
As the gunman pushed the gun deeper into Michelle's head and as she screamed in pain, Pero completely blacked out.
Then he began to change.
Before the shocked eyes of all of those in the classroom, Pero grew taller. His skin turned into a yellow shade and he became stronger. For the first time ever, Pero had become the incredible PeroHulk.
Gunman number 3 dropped his handgun and Michelle ran away from him, never taking her eyes off of PeroHulk.
Gunman 4: Shit! He did drink the formula! It works!
PeroHulk: You bad men hurt the girl Pero loves! Pero smash!
PeroHulk grabbed Gunman 3 by both of his arms and tore them tight off of his body. Gunman 3 screamed in pain and Pero clubbed him over the head with his own arm, killing him.
The other 3 gunmen opened fire on PeroHulk. PeroHulk screamed in rage as the bullets ricocheted off of his body.
PeroHulk clapped his hands together and sent out a shockwave that knocked the gunmen over. The gunfire had drawn the other gunmen into the class room. As soon as they saw PeroHulk, they opened fire.
PeroHulk let out a roar and leapt through the roof and out of the school building. He landed in the front lawn.
The gunmen rushed outside.
PeroHulk saw them running out and picked up a school bus. He threw it at the gunmen, killing eight of them. The remaining six opened fire on PeroHulk. PeroHulk leapt forward, grabbed two of them, and bashed their heads together.
The other four took off running, hopped into one of the vans, and got the hell out of there.
PeroHulk let out a victorious yell.
As he calmed down, he started turning back into regular Pero.
Pero saw the destruction he had caused and saw most of the school out in the lawn, staring at him.
Pero: What happened?
Jason ran to his side.
Jason: You won't believe, but let me tell you now, it was the coolest fucking thing I ever did see.
Jason told Pero what happened outside. Another student who was in Pero's class when it started told him what happened in there.
Pero listened to all of it. He almost couldn't believe it, but he was looking at the bodies and the school bus and knew it was true.
He scanned the faces of the students that were all staring at him and found the face he was looking for. Michelle was looking at him with shocked horror.
Pero: I saved your life, just like I have always dreamed about. Now I can ask you, will you go out with me?
Michelle: No! You are a monster Pero! Look at what you did! If I had known ,I never would have hung out with you. Please don't ever talk to me again!
Michelle ran off crying. Pero stared after her, not saying a word.
End of the flashback!
Pillz: That was a hell of a story.
Primus: Wait a second. Who was The Agency? I've never heard of them. How did you know what was going on between Mr. Colvin and Mr. Lee? What happened to them? Why aren't you locked up in a government facility?
Pillz: Those are good questions. I'm curious about that myself. Pero?
Pero just stared ahead blankly. They though they weren't going to get an answer, but then he finally spoke.
Pero: Why do you guys always ask me stupid fucking question?
The End
Pero: What? Where? What's going on?
Pero had woken up in the apartment of Pillz. Pillz, Primus, and Pero were all there hanging out, waiting for a case to crack. Pillz and Primus were playing video games, Pero had fallen asleep on the couch.
Pillz: You dosed off. You had that dream again.
Pero: The dream about Colin Farrel on the treadmill?
Pillz: Uh, no. I think it was the dream about the gunmen at your school.
Pero: Why is there a dart sticking into my neck?
Pillz: Because every time you have that dream, you start to hulk out.
Pero: Oh. I'm sorry.
Pillz: It's not your fault.
Primus: I'm curious about something. How did you get to be the way you are?
Pero: I got new contacts. And my ear is pierced.
Primus: No, not that. How did you get to be PeroHulk? Do you even know?
Pero stared blankly ahead for awhile. Primus didn't think he was going to get an answer, but Pero began to spoke.
Pero: It happened last year. I don't like to talk about it, but you guys are my friends.
Pillz: You don't have to tell us if you don't to.
Pero: No, I need to tell this. Besides, if we're a team and you guys need to know.
Primus: Before you start, let me finish this level first.
Pillz slapped him across the shoulder.
Primus: Ow! What was that for?
Pillz: I felt like it. Now turn off the video game and listen to Pero.
Pero: It all happened one day at school.....
Flashback!
Pero was sitting at his desk in class. The teacher had called on him to answer a question.
Pero: The event horizon is the part of a black hole where nothing can escape. This includes light and some would even say time.
Teacher: That's very good Pero.
Pero: Thank you.
Teacher: But this is math class and I asked you what the Pythagorean theorem was.
The class let out a laugh.
Teacher: It's ok Pero, I'm glad to see at least the science teacher is getting somewhere with you.
After the class was over, the students went out into the hall. Pero went out the door and headed towards his locker. A few students were following him.
Student 1: Good job in math class Pero!
Student 2: Yeah, you seem to know a lot about those black holes. Is that because your heads always up in space?
Student 3: Maybe those aren't the black holes Pero's interested in.
Student 2: How about it Pero? You only like the black holes that you can stick your rocket into?
The three boys let out a laugh and high-fived each other. A female student had stepped up behind them.
Female Student: You guys leave Pero alone.
Pero had been ignoring the three boys, but when he heard the girl speak, his ears perked up. The voice belonged to Michelle, the girl Pero had a crush on since the fourth grade.
Student 1: Ah come one Michelle, we're just joking with him. Ain't that right, Pero?
Pero: I don't know who you are.
The boy gave Pero comical look and took off with his two friends.
Michelle: I hate guys like them.
Pero: They're just trying to have a little fun.
Michelle: Yeah, at your expense!
Pero: I don't let it bother me. Life's too short to let assholes like them get in your way.
Michelle: You really amaze me sometime. Will you walk me to my next class?
Pero: Yeah.
On the way to the class, Michelle talked to Pero about a boy she liked. It hurt Pero's feelings to hear her talk about other boys, but Pero listened all the same.
Michelle: Sarah told me she heard him tell Jim that he thought I looked hot in my outfit the other day. But I just don't know if he likes me as a person.
Pero: How could he not?
Michelle: You are so sweet Pero. I'm glad we're friends.
Pero: Me too.
Pero wanted to munster up the courage to tell her he wished they could be more than just friends, but he couldn't. He never could. They arrived at her classroom.
Michelle: Where, here I am. Thanks for walking me here.
Pero: Anytime.
Michelle: What class you going to now?
Pero: Science.
Michelle: You always do so well in science class. I wish I had your smarts there.
Pero: I just like trying to find out how the world and the universe work.
Michelle: Sometimes I think it's harder trying to figure out how you work.
As she it, she gave Pero a wink and I smile.
Michelle: See you later.
She went into the classroom and Pero took off to science class. When he got there, he sat next to his best friend, Jason.
Jason: You look down in the dumps man, what's wrong?
Pero: Nothing. I'm fine.
Jason: You got that same look you had when your parents told you you weren't adopted. So what is it?
Pero: Michelle.
Jason: Oh key-riste!!! How many times have I told you to stop thinking about that chick?
Pero: A lot.
Jason: And I'm telling you again. Forget about her. Remember when she said you were like the brother she never had? Oh, it would have been much better had she killed you right then and there.
Pero: I like her.
Jason: Tell me something I don't know. Which reminds me, did your mom come home last night?
Pero: Yeah she did.
Jason: Good.
Pero: I have to go to the doctor tomorrow. My eyes are getting bad.
Jason: That sucks.
Pero: Mom says it's because I sit to close to the TV. I like to sit to close to it. That way people can't walk in front of it and block the TV from me. Dad blocked the TV one time, and I missed part of a commercial about some body spray that's supposed to attract women. I thought about buying some, maybe that will help Michelle like me, but dad was blocking the TV and I didn't see the name of the spray. I tried to wear cologne one time, but I accidentally put too much on and I really smelled. I like the smell of my dad's cologne. He always puts it on before he gets into bed with mommy though. He said it helps mommy not smell the horrors on him. I don't know what kind of horrors he would have on him, but my favorite horror movie is The Blair Witch Project. Somebody tried to tell me it's real, but I think it's fake. I saw one of the actors on Conan O'Brian. I like his show, it's on at late night. Whenever I watch it, I sit close to the TV so no one will interrupt it for me.
Jason: Shhh dude, class started, like, two minutes ago.
The science teacher, Mr. Colvin, was drawing a diagram on the chalkboard.
Mr. Colvin: Now, I have drawn the diagram of a black hole on the board. Can anyone explain to me what an "event horizon" is?
The class looked to Pero. Pero answered flawlessly.
When the period bell had rung, Pero and Jason got up from their seats and went to their next class, which they had together. It was P.E.
As he watched the students leave his classroom, Mr. Colvin felt warm inside. It was his free period. Time to go to the teacher's lounge and enjoy a smoke. It was the only thing that kept him sane after 15 years of teaching.
He grabbed his bag and was ready to head out of the door, when the other science teacher, Mr. Lee, came running into the classroom, almost knocking him down.
Mr. Lee: We have got a big problem!
Mr. Colvin: What is it?
Mr. Lee: The Agency has found out about the formula that we have been working on!
Mr. Colvin: How? There's no way they could know! Unless they have the school lab bugged.
Mr. Lee: I don't know how they know. But they just called me and demanded I give them the formula!
Mr. Colvin: Damn. All that research. All that work! Just for them to come in here and steal it! No. I won't let that happen. No one will get it! I will burn the all the papers and pour the formula down the drain!
Mr. Lee: No! We can't let the formula be wasted like that. We need to do something!
Mr. Colvin: Like what? We don't even know if the formula works. We never has tested it on anything! And I sure am not going to drink it.
Mr. Lee: Wait a second. What's the name of that one student who always gets picked on but never gets angry about it?
Mr. Colvin: Pero?
Mr. Lee: Yes, Pero! He would be perfect. We can give him the formula and test him later on when we have the time. If the formula does what we hope it does, it will be perfectly safe to give it to him.
Mr. Colvin: You are right. I think he's in gym class now.
Mr. Lee: Excellent. He'll be mighty thirsty after gym and we'll have the drink to quench his needs.
Mr. Colvin: Call the Agency back and tell them they are shit out of luck.
Mr. Lee: They won't like that.
Mr. Colvin: What are they going to do? We're in a school.
Meanwhile, at the school gym. The P.E. teacher had the boys doing laps around the gym.
Jason: I hate P.E. This is cruel and unusual punishment, that's what this is.
Pero: I like it.
Jason: Well, you're just weird. Oh great, Brandon is behind us.
Brandon: Come on losers, let's pick up the pace!
Brandon was the most popular boy in school. Good looking and captain of the football team. He was also the boy Michelle had a crush on.
Jason: Just because you are two laps ahead of us doesn't mean you're better than us.
Brandon: Yeah. I know. Because I'm handsome and have gotten laid, that makes me better than you. Oh, and Pero, say hi to Michelle for me. I'd tell her myself, but I'd be too busy staring at her perfect tits.
Brandon laughed and pushed himself in between Pero and Jason to get ahead of them.
Jason: What a fucking jerk.
Pero: If we colonized the moon, would you live on the side that's always dark or the side that gets illuminated by the sun?
Jason: We just get mocked by the jerk that wants to take your woman and you ask a question like that? You have got the hide of a rhino.
Pero: I've never seen a rhino. I saw a raccoon once. but it was dead on the road. I can't wait until I get my license.
Jason: You and me both. Maybe we should tell the Dungeon Master over there we don't need to run, cause we're going to drive to get where we are going.
Pero: What does she see in him?
Jason: Oh, we're going back to that now? She sees a popular jock who's strong and already has a car.
Pero: Maybe if I were strong she would like me.
Jason: She already likes you, but as a friend. That's your problem right there. She'll never be able to see past that, no matter what you do.
Pero: I should start lifting weights.
Jason: Waste of time. It's not your forte. God, this is the longest class ever.
Pero: Homeroom is longer, we have an extra 15 minutes in that class.
Jason: I know, I wasn't being literal. Oh, nevermind.
Pero: Next class is one of my favorites.
Jason: You only like it because you sit behind Michelle in that class.
Pero: Yeah. Maybe I'll ask her out this time.
Jason: You say that every time.
Pero: I always daydream in that class. I always dream about something bad happening during class and I end up saving her from the danger.
Jason: Keep dreaming man, because that's all you are ever going to have.
Pero: What's it called when you can write with both of your hands.
Jason: If it wasn't for you, I would skip this class everyday.
After P.E. was over, Pero and Jason headed towards their next class. Mr. Colvin was standing out in the hall, holding a water bottle in his hand.
Mr. Colvin: Hello Pero, my, you look sweaty.
Pero: I just got done with gym class.
Mr. Colvin: Well here, take the rest of my water, that will make you feel better.
Pero: Thanks.
Pero took the bottle and drank from it. They walked a little farther, and Jason took a look back at Mr. Colvin.
Jason: That was weird.
Pero: Did you watch Fear Factor last night too?
Jason: No. I'm talking about Colvin back there. I've never seen a teacher give a student a water bottle. It doesn't taste funny, does it?
Pero drank the rest of the bottle.
Pero: It taste a little like strawberries.
Jason: Nice. Well, I won't see you 'till after school, so have fun.
Pero: See you later.
Pero made it to his next class. As soon as he walked into the room, Michelle greeted him.
Michelle: Hey Pero!
Pero: Hi.
Michelle: So, did Brandon say anything about me in Gym?
Pero: He asked me to tell you hi.
Michelle: He did! That's great! Sarah just told me that she heard Jim tell Eric that Brandon wants to ask "her" out to prom. Sarah didn't hear who "her" was, but I bet it's me.
Pero: Yeah, it probably is.
Pero sat down in his chair. He wanted to scream at her, "You are too good for him! He just wants you for your body! You need to be with someone who appreciates you for who you are! Like me!"
But he couldn't. He never could. Although this time around, he felt something within him that he never felt before. It felt as though some force inside him was starting to build up.
Michelle: Oh, if there was just some way I could find out! Have you ever been that anxious about something Pero?
Pero: Yeah, I have.
Michelle: You know what's great about talking with you Pero? You always know how I feel.
Pero thought, "Things would be much better for me if you only knew how I feel".
As Pero and Michelle were having their conversation, Mr. Colvin and Mr. Lee were having one of their own.
Mr. Colvin: Pero drank the whole thing.
Mr. Lee: That's good, but I have bad news.
Mr. Colvin: What is it?
Mr. Lee: The Agency is sending a bunch of men here to get the formula.
Mr. Colvin: Didn't you tell them we got rid of it?
Mr. Lee: I did, but they didn't believe me.
Mr. Colvin: great. We need to get the fuck out of here.
Mr. Lee: Agreed.
The left the school.
Pero's class had already started and Pero was already daydreaming. As he did this, he always stared at the back of Michelle. It was the best view he ever had in any of his classes.
Outside in the school parking lot, 3 large vans had pulled up. And out of the vans, came out five men each. Each one of them had ski masks on and were holding rifles.
They went into the school.
In Pero's daydream, Pero had just rescued Michelle from a pack of rabid ant/gorilla hybrids. Michelle declared Pero her hero and flew into his open arms. As Pero held her close to his body, he leaned in for a kiss.
As Pero was getting into the good part, 4 of the gunmen had entered into his classroom.
Gunman 1: We are not going to hurt anyone! We just need the student named Pero!
Pero awoke from his daydream. The gunman was asking for him! He didn't know what it was all about, but Pero decided not to mess with guy holding a gun.
Pero was about to get up from his desk, but Michelle jumped out of hers.
Michelle: You're going to have to get through me before you get to Pero.
Gunman 2: Girl, we don't want to shoot you, but if you force us too, we won't hesitate.
Gunman 3: No need boys, I'll take care of this.
Gunman 3 grabbed Michelle and pulled out a handgun and held it to her head.
Gunman 3: Alright Pero, just come with us and your lady friend will live to see another day.
Pero watched all of this happen with horror. For the first time in his life, he was becoming utterly pissed. As Pero seemed to get angrier, that feeling he had earlier seemed to build up even more.
As the gunman pushed the gun deeper into Michelle's head and as she screamed in pain, Pero completely blacked out.
Then he began to change.
Before the shocked eyes of all of those in the classroom, Pero grew taller. His skin turned into a yellow shade and he became stronger. For the first time ever, Pero had become the incredible PeroHulk.
Gunman number 3 dropped his handgun and Michelle ran away from him, never taking her eyes off of PeroHulk.
Gunman 4: Shit! He did drink the formula! It works!
PeroHulk: You bad men hurt the girl Pero loves! Pero smash!
PeroHulk grabbed Gunman 3 by both of his arms and tore them tight off of his body. Gunman 3 screamed in pain and Pero clubbed him over the head with his own arm, killing him.
The other 3 gunmen opened fire on PeroHulk. PeroHulk screamed in rage as the bullets ricocheted off of his body.
PeroHulk clapped his hands together and sent out a shockwave that knocked the gunmen over. The gunfire had drawn the other gunmen into the class room. As soon as they saw PeroHulk, they opened fire.
PeroHulk let out a roar and leapt through the roof and out of the school building. He landed in the front lawn.
The gunmen rushed outside.
PeroHulk saw them running out and picked up a school bus. He threw it at the gunmen, killing eight of them. The remaining six opened fire on PeroHulk. PeroHulk leapt forward, grabbed two of them, and bashed their heads together.
The other four took off running, hopped into one of the vans, and got the hell out of there.
PeroHulk let out a victorious yell.
As he calmed down, he started turning back into regular Pero.
Pero saw the destruction he had caused and saw most of the school out in the lawn, staring at him.
Pero: What happened?
Jason ran to his side.
Jason: You won't believe, but let me tell you now, it was the coolest fucking thing I ever did see.
Jason told Pero what happened outside. Another student who was in Pero's class when it started told him what happened in there.
Pero listened to all of it. He almost couldn't believe it, but he was looking at the bodies and the school bus and knew it was true.
He scanned the faces of the students that were all staring at him and found the face he was looking for. Michelle was looking at him with shocked horror.
Pero: I saved your life, just like I have always dreamed about. Now I can ask you, will you go out with me?
Michelle: No! You are a monster Pero! Look at what you did! If I had known ,I never would have hung out with you. Please don't ever talk to me again!
Michelle ran off crying. Pero stared after her, not saying a word.
End of the flashback!
Pillz: That was a hell of a story.
Primus: Wait a second. Who was The Agency? I've never heard of them. How did you know what was going on between Mr. Colvin and Mr. Lee? What happened to them? Why aren't you locked up in a government facility?
Pillz: Those are good questions. I'm curious about that myself. Pero?
Pero just stared ahead blankly. They though they weren't going to get an answer, but then he finally spoke.
Pero: Why do you guys always ask me stupid fucking question?
The End
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Da Satyr Code Part 1
Gweg had gotten up at 7 am as usual. He was surprised to see Satyr already up. He was standing at the kitchen window, drinking a Dr. Pepper and shaking his head.
Gweg: What are doing up so early?
Satyr: Couldn't sleep.
Gweg: What's going on outside.
Satyr motioned towards the window.
Satyr: See for yourself.
Gweg went to the window and looked out. A large group of people had gathered on the street.
Gweg: Who are all of those people?
Satyr: Protesters.
Gweg: Oh god, what did you do now?
Satyr: I didn't do anything. The movie Theater down the street is showing The Da Vinci Code. Those people down there are from the Catholic Church.
Gweg: Don't these people get it's just a movie? Imagine if they found out the real truth about Jesus?
Satyr gave Gweg a cautious look.
Satyr: You haven't told anyone about that, have you?
Gweg: Who would I tell? Who would believe me?
Satyr: Yes. Who indeed.
Satyr gave Gweg a sideways glance and continued to look out the window. Gweg decided to have one last look out the window.
He saw something peculiar. There was an old man standing away from the group and looking up at Gweg and Satyr.
Gweg: Who's that old man?
Satyr: I don't know. I'm done with this nonsense, I'm getting on the computer.
Satyr left the kitchen. Gweg continued to look at the old man. The old man started waving at Gweg and then motioning him to come down. Gweg waved at the old man and left the window.
Gweg: I'm going out.
Satyr: Don't you know who I am?
Gweg: What?
Satyr: I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!
Gweg: What was that about.
Satyr: This video on the net. A couple of guys dubbed over an X-Men cartoon. It's better than that craptacular X-Men: The Last Stand.
Gweg: That's nice. See you later.
Gweg went outside. The old man had been waiting for him.
Old Man: You must come with me Gweg! Your life may be in danger!
Gweg: Who are you?
Old Man: Just come with me, I'll explain everything!
The Old Man led Gweg into a car. The both got into the back.
The Old Man: Here, put this on.
The Old Man handed Gweg a blindfold.
Gweg: Why? Where are we going!
The Old Man: We are going to a secret place. The blindfold is just a precaution.
Gweg put the blindfold on.
The Old Man: Driver, we are ready.
The car took off.
The Old Man: My name is Alexander Livingston. I am the head of a secret organization that has been watching the movements of your friend, Virtual Satyr.
Gweg: Geez, I'd say I'm surprised, but I would be lying my ass off.
Livingston: I'll explain more when we get to our headquarters.
20 minutes later, the arrived at the secret headquarters. Livingston had gotten Gweg out of the car and led him inside the building. When they got inside, Gweg was allowed to take the blindfold off.
Gweg was in a giant room. The only furniture in the room was a great long table with 50 chairs around it. 30 of the chairs were occupied.
Livingston: Please, Gweg, have a seat.
Gweg: Who are you people?
Livingston: We are the ASL, the Anti-Satyr League. We exist for this sole purpose: to makes sure the Virtual Satyr does not bring about the destruction of civilization as we know it.
Gweg look at Livingston, stunned.
Livingston: Please Gweg, take a seat, we have much top discuss with you.
Gweg sat down.
Livingston: The League has existed since around the year 1550, 50 years after the Satyr had arrived on earth.
One of the ASL members stood up.
Livingston: You have something to add, ASL 23MNY?
23MNY: Yes. It should be noted to Gweg that when the League first started, it was not an Anti-Satyr League. Quite the contrary. It was not known as the Anti-Satyr League until the 1800's. The League first existed as a group of people studying the satyr, monitoring his movements in a scientific study of the mythological creature.
Livingston: Thank you, that is correct. Yes, the life of the satyr was pretty boring until he came to America. That's when things started to happen. Satyr was a resident of the Roanoke Colony, having moved out right before the other inhabitants disappeared.
Gweg: Listen, I know about that. What I've always been curious about, but have been afraid to ask him, is how he has managed to live so long. Everything I have read about satyrs tells that they are not immortal.
Livingston: Neither is the Virtual Satyr. However, the ASL has uncovered his secret to his seemingly eternal youth. We know that he was kicked out of Mt. Olympus by Pan himself, for reasons we do not yet know.
Gweg: I think it had something to do with frogs.
Livingston: That may well be, but we do know that time moves slower in that world than it does on ours. A lot slower in fact. We believe that Virtual Satyr had likened himself magically to his world before he was banished to ours. He may be living in our world, but he is aging as though he were in his.
Gweg: That explains a lot. But please tell me why you think he is going to cause the destruction of civilization. I know he is a sociopath who is capable, but I don't think he really cares about doing that. He's only interested in himself.
Livingston: That may be the image he projects, but we know better. ASL 30FMI, if you would please?
Gweg saw a beautiful woman stand up. She was holding a piece of paper. She began reading from it.
30FMI: We have confirmed reports that Virtual Satyr was at Pearl Harbor the day it was attacked. He was in Dallas when Kennedy was assassinated. He was in Florida when the Challenger exploded. He was in Oklahoma City when the bombing occurred. He was in New York City on September 11th.
Livingston: You see, almost every major tragic event in American history, the satyr has been present for.
Gweg: Listen, I know far too well of what he is capable of. I know that he doesn't hold human life in high regard. But he isn't capable of causing that much damage. He's too lazy. He does things on a whim most of the time, and I doubt he would do those things on a whim. Yes, he is mentally capable of doing those things, but he they're too big for him. Most days he hardly even moves out of bed.
Livingston: You must trust us Gweg. You have only known him for a couple of years. Our group has known him for 450 years. Not only is he capable of causing these events, he has been orchestrating these things and studying the effects. That's why each event keeps on getting bigger than the last. He will not be happy until he has brought about complete anarchy to our country.
Gweg: How could you possible know all of this?
Livingston: We have cracked his code.
Gweg: What code?
Livingston: I'm sorry Gweg, but we have not made everything clear to you yet. You see, the satyr has not acted alone, he has been backed up by a group, whom he used to communicate with through the newspapers, but now has contact with through the internet.
Gweg: What group?
Livingston: The LOL, the Liberators of Life. An organization who believes the government is corrupt and is trying to bring it down. They hail Satyr as their leader and inspiration.
Gweg: You've got to be kidding me.
Livingston: NO. Satyr had sent messages to them to organize them in his next attacks. He would do this my writing fake articles in newspapers. The first letter in each paragraph had spelled out the plot of the next attack.
Gweg: If you knew this, why didn't you stop the attacks?
Livingston: The ones he got away with, he had done so using another code, or so we believe. The plots we did discover, we did stop.
Gweg: Such as?
30FMI: An attempt to feed all of the cows in the country Pepto-Bismal so their milk would come out pink. A plot to discredit the Secretary of Defense by calling him a Doo-Doo Head on the Santa-Monica Freeway. A plot to exchange Pauly Shore with an orangutan to see if anyone notices the difference.
Gweg: None of those make sense. Actually, in regards to Satyr, those make perfect sense. But they are nowhere near related to what you claim he has done.
Livingston: Well, we think he planned those just to distract us.
Gweg rubbed his hand over his head.
Gweg: And you say he's talking with them over the internet now? He does spend a lot of time on it.
Livingston: Yes. When the internet first started up, Satyr and the LOL immediately took advantage of it. They would only talk in private chat-rooms, but they made each other aware of their presence through a code.
Gweg: And what code was that.
Livingston: To see id there were any members in a public chatroom who were with the Liberation Of Life, they would tell some random joke, and the members would respond with LOL.
Gweg stared on, in disbelief.
Livingston: We followed suit, in chatrooms, we would ask the chatters ASL?, and then our members would respond by giving the asker their alphanumeric code name.
Gweg: Ok. I'm starting to see the picture here, but I have to ask, if you think Satyr is that big of a threat to society, why don't you just kill him?
Livingston: Because the backlash from the LOL would be disastrous! They hold Satyr in such high regard, that some even worship him!
Gweg: Ok. Now tell me this: Why am I here?
Livingston: You are here because you are the only one who can get close to Satyr. We need you to put download this trojan horse into your computer so we can see what he is discussing with the LOL.
Livingston slid a computer disk to Gweg.
Gweg: Listen, I don't want to get involved in this. I get conned into Satyr schemes enough as it is and I don't need this burden. I'm just going to forget any of this ever happened.
Gweg threw the disk up in the air toward Livingston. Livingston screamed out No! as he got up to catch it. He never caught it, because the disk was hit by bullet and flew away from the table.
Everyone at the table looked toward the doors. Standing there, was a tall man, wearing a black trenchcoat with a bloody smiley pin on the lapel, identical to the one Satyr wears. He was also holding two guns in his hands.
Livingston: You! But how did you find us?
The Man: You stupid old fool! I was staking out the apartment when you took Gweg. I simply followed you here. You thought your driver was on the lookout for anyone following you, but your driver was secretly working for us! But you don't have to worry about him anymore, because I put a bullet through his head.
Gweg: Who is that?
Livingston: That is Sinister Isles! The LOL's best hitman.
Sinister Isles: Speaking of the LOL!
Isles opened the doors. A flood of people came rushing through. It was the Liberators Of Life.
Livingston: ASL attack!
The Anti-Satyr League members all stood up from the table and drew guns out from robes.
Gweg ducked underneath the table.
The gun battle was underway. Blood was quickly painting the walls as the bodies piled onto the floor.
A few minutes later, the fighting had stopped.
Gweg was uninjured. He got out from under the table and surveyed the scene. No one seemed to have survived. But Gweg heard a faint voice call out his name.
It was Livingston. He had been shot twice, once in the chest and the other in his arm. Gweg got down next to him.
Livingston: You need to watch out for him. When the Satyr tries to make his next move, promise me you'll stop him.
Gweg: I promise. But you need to get out of here, I'll call for an ambulance!
Livingston: No. Whether I live or die, it's not up to me.
Livingston looked up in horror, Sinister Isles was standing behind Gweg.
Sinister Isles: You're right. It's up to me.
Isles shot Livingston in the head. Gweg turned around, Isles was pointing the gun right at him.
Gweg: Just make it quick.
Sinister Isles: I'm not going to kill you. You are the Satyr's right hand man. But I warn you this, if you ever think about double-crossing him, I will make you suffer. You see all of these people? They got off easy. Death is not a punishment, it is an escape.
Isles smiled at Gweg and took off out the door.
Gweg left the scene of the carnage. Unfortunately, he didn't know where he was.
Gweg had finally managed to find a familiar landmark and made his way home.
An hour later, he had arrived at the apartment and walked in. Satyr was watching TV.
Gweg stared at Satyr intently.
Satyr: You look like hell. And by the look on your face, it's somehow my fault.
Gweg: In a way, it is.
Satyr: How? I've been here all day.
Gweg explained what had happened.
Satyr sat there and soaked it all in. He sat there, silent, for a couple of minutes after Gweg had finished his story. Finally he looked up at Gweg.
Satyr: Gweg, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.
Gweg: What?
Satyr: You are trying to tell me that there are two groups out there who are following my every movement, one for me and one against me? Gweg, I have never known you to have an imagination, but when it finally decides to show itself, it come out like the fucking Death Star and all I can do is just look at it and say, "Look at the size of that thing!".
Gweg: You don't believe me?
Satyr: You actually expect me to swallow a whopper that size? ASL? All I have to say to that is: LOL!
Gweg was stunned. He honestly didn't know how to react.
Satyr: Gweg, either you have been smoking something you shouldn't have, or you are tired. I suggest you lie down.
Gweg: That's a good idea.
Gweg turned to go to his room. As he left, he didn't see the odd smile creep up on Satyr's face.
To Be Concluded
Gweg: What are doing up so early?
Satyr: Couldn't sleep.
Gweg: What's going on outside.
Satyr motioned towards the window.
Satyr: See for yourself.
Gweg went to the window and looked out. A large group of people had gathered on the street.
Gweg: Who are all of those people?
Satyr: Protesters.
Gweg: Oh god, what did you do now?
Satyr: I didn't do anything. The movie Theater down the street is showing The Da Vinci Code. Those people down there are from the Catholic Church.
Gweg: Don't these people get it's just a movie? Imagine if they found out the real truth about Jesus?
Satyr gave Gweg a cautious look.
Satyr: You haven't told anyone about that, have you?
Gweg: Who would I tell? Who would believe me?
Satyr: Yes. Who indeed.
Satyr gave Gweg a sideways glance and continued to look out the window. Gweg decided to have one last look out the window.
He saw something peculiar. There was an old man standing away from the group and looking up at Gweg and Satyr.
Gweg: Who's that old man?
Satyr: I don't know. I'm done with this nonsense, I'm getting on the computer.
Satyr left the kitchen. Gweg continued to look at the old man. The old man started waving at Gweg and then motioning him to come down. Gweg waved at the old man and left the window.
Gweg: I'm going out.
Satyr: Don't you know who I am?
Gweg: What?
Satyr: I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!
Gweg: What was that about.
Satyr: This video on the net. A couple of guys dubbed over an X-Men cartoon. It's better than that craptacular X-Men: The Last Stand.
Gweg: That's nice. See you later.
Gweg went outside. The old man had been waiting for him.
Old Man: You must come with me Gweg! Your life may be in danger!
Gweg: Who are you?
Old Man: Just come with me, I'll explain everything!
The Old Man led Gweg into a car. The both got into the back.
The Old Man: Here, put this on.
The Old Man handed Gweg a blindfold.
Gweg: Why? Where are we going!
The Old Man: We are going to a secret place. The blindfold is just a precaution.
Gweg put the blindfold on.
The Old Man: Driver, we are ready.
The car took off.
The Old Man: My name is Alexander Livingston. I am the head of a secret organization that has been watching the movements of your friend, Virtual Satyr.
Gweg: Geez, I'd say I'm surprised, but I would be lying my ass off.
Livingston: I'll explain more when we get to our headquarters.
20 minutes later, the arrived at the secret headquarters. Livingston had gotten Gweg out of the car and led him inside the building. When they got inside, Gweg was allowed to take the blindfold off.
Gweg was in a giant room. The only furniture in the room was a great long table with 50 chairs around it. 30 of the chairs were occupied.
Livingston: Please, Gweg, have a seat.
Gweg: Who are you people?
Livingston: We are the ASL, the Anti-Satyr League. We exist for this sole purpose: to makes sure the Virtual Satyr does not bring about the destruction of civilization as we know it.
Gweg look at Livingston, stunned.
Livingston: Please Gweg, take a seat, we have much top discuss with you.
Gweg sat down.
Livingston: The League has existed since around the year 1550, 50 years after the Satyr had arrived on earth.
One of the ASL members stood up.
Livingston: You have something to add, ASL 23MNY?
23MNY: Yes. It should be noted to Gweg that when the League first started, it was not an Anti-Satyr League. Quite the contrary. It was not known as the Anti-Satyr League until the 1800's. The League first existed as a group of people studying the satyr, monitoring his movements in a scientific study of the mythological creature.
Livingston: Thank you, that is correct. Yes, the life of the satyr was pretty boring until he came to America. That's when things started to happen. Satyr was a resident of the Roanoke Colony, having moved out right before the other inhabitants disappeared.
Gweg: Listen, I know about that. What I've always been curious about, but have been afraid to ask him, is how he has managed to live so long. Everything I have read about satyrs tells that they are not immortal.
Livingston: Neither is the Virtual Satyr. However, the ASL has uncovered his secret to his seemingly eternal youth. We know that he was kicked out of Mt. Olympus by Pan himself, for reasons we do not yet know.
Gweg: I think it had something to do with frogs.
Livingston: That may well be, but we do know that time moves slower in that world than it does on ours. A lot slower in fact. We believe that Virtual Satyr had likened himself magically to his world before he was banished to ours. He may be living in our world, but he is aging as though he were in his.
Gweg: That explains a lot. But please tell me why you think he is going to cause the destruction of civilization. I know he is a sociopath who is capable, but I don't think he really cares about doing that. He's only interested in himself.
Livingston: That may be the image he projects, but we know better. ASL 30FMI, if you would please?
Gweg saw a beautiful woman stand up. She was holding a piece of paper. She began reading from it.
30FMI: We have confirmed reports that Virtual Satyr was at Pearl Harbor the day it was attacked. He was in Dallas when Kennedy was assassinated. He was in Florida when the Challenger exploded. He was in Oklahoma City when the bombing occurred. He was in New York City on September 11th.
Livingston: You see, almost every major tragic event in American history, the satyr has been present for.
Gweg: Listen, I know far too well of what he is capable of. I know that he doesn't hold human life in high regard. But he isn't capable of causing that much damage. He's too lazy. He does things on a whim most of the time, and I doubt he would do those things on a whim. Yes, he is mentally capable of doing those things, but he they're too big for him. Most days he hardly even moves out of bed.
Livingston: You must trust us Gweg. You have only known him for a couple of years. Our group has known him for 450 years. Not only is he capable of causing these events, he has been orchestrating these things and studying the effects. That's why each event keeps on getting bigger than the last. He will not be happy until he has brought about complete anarchy to our country.
Gweg: How could you possible know all of this?
Livingston: We have cracked his code.
Gweg: What code?
Livingston: I'm sorry Gweg, but we have not made everything clear to you yet. You see, the satyr has not acted alone, he has been backed up by a group, whom he used to communicate with through the newspapers, but now has contact with through the internet.
Gweg: What group?
Livingston: The LOL, the Liberators of Life. An organization who believes the government is corrupt and is trying to bring it down. They hail Satyr as their leader and inspiration.
Gweg: You've got to be kidding me.
Livingston: NO. Satyr had sent messages to them to organize them in his next attacks. He would do this my writing fake articles in newspapers. The first letter in each paragraph had spelled out the plot of the next attack.
Gweg: If you knew this, why didn't you stop the attacks?
Livingston: The ones he got away with, he had done so using another code, or so we believe. The plots we did discover, we did stop.
Gweg: Such as?
30FMI: An attempt to feed all of the cows in the country Pepto-Bismal so their milk would come out pink. A plot to discredit the Secretary of Defense by calling him a Doo-Doo Head on the Santa-Monica Freeway. A plot to exchange Pauly Shore with an orangutan to see if anyone notices the difference.
Gweg: None of those make sense. Actually, in regards to Satyr, those make perfect sense. But they are nowhere near related to what you claim he has done.
Livingston: Well, we think he planned those just to distract us.
Gweg rubbed his hand over his head.
Gweg: And you say he's talking with them over the internet now? He does spend a lot of time on it.
Livingston: Yes. When the internet first started up, Satyr and the LOL immediately took advantage of it. They would only talk in private chat-rooms, but they made each other aware of their presence through a code.
Gweg: And what code was that.
Livingston: To see id there were any members in a public chatroom who were with the Liberation Of Life, they would tell some random joke, and the members would respond with LOL.
Gweg stared on, in disbelief.
Livingston: We followed suit, in chatrooms, we would ask the chatters ASL?, and then our members would respond by giving the asker their alphanumeric code name.
Gweg: Ok. I'm starting to see the picture here, but I have to ask, if you think Satyr is that big of a threat to society, why don't you just kill him?
Livingston: Because the backlash from the LOL would be disastrous! They hold Satyr in such high regard, that some even worship him!
Gweg: Ok. Now tell me this: Why am I here?
Livingston: You are here because you are the only one who can get close to Satyr. We need you to put download this trojan horse into your computer so we can see what he is discussing with the LOL.
Livingston slid a computer disk to Gweg.
Gweg: Listen, I don't want to get involved in this. I get conned into Satyr schemes enough as it is and I don't need this burden. I'm just going to forget any of this ever happened.
Gweg threw the disk up in the air toward Livingston. Livingston screamed out No! as he got up to catch it. He never caught it, because the disk was hit by bullet and flew away from the table.
Everyone at the table looked toward the doors. Standing there, was a tall man, wearing a black trenchcoat with a bloody smiley pin on the lapel, identical to the one Satyr wears. He was also holding two guns in his hands.
Livingston: You! But how did you find us?
The Man: You stupid old fool! I was staking out the apartment when you took Gweg. I simply followed you here. You thought your driver was on the lookout for anyone following you, but your driver was secretly working for us! But you don't have to worry about him anymore, because I put a bullet through his head.
Gweg: Who is that?
Livingston: That is Sinister Isles! The LOL's best hitman.
Sinister Isles: Speaking of the LOL!
Isles opened the doors. A flood of people came rushing through. It was the Liberators Of Life.
Livingston: ASL attack!
The Anti-Satyr League members all stood up from the table and drew guns out from robes.
Gweg ducked underneath the table.
The gun battle was underway. Blood was quickly painting the walls as the bodies piled onto the floor.
A few minutes later, the fighting had stopped.
Gweg was uninjured. He got out from under the table and surveyed the scene. No one seemed to have survived. But Gweg heard a faint voice call out his name.
It was Livingston. He had been shot twice, once in the chest and the other in his arm. Gweg got down next to him.
Livingston: You need to watch out for him. When the Satyr tries to make his next move, promise me you'll stop him.
Gweg: I promise. But you need to get out of here, I'll call for an ambulance!
Livingston: No. Whether I live or die, it's not up to me.
Livingston looked up in horror, Sinister Isles was standing behind Gweg.
Sinister Isles: You're right. It's up to me.
Isles shot Livingston in the head. Gweg turned around, Isles was pointing the gun right at him.
Gweg: Just make it quick.
Sinister Isles: I'm not going to kill you. You are the Satyr's right hand man. But I warn you this, if you ever think about double-crossing him, I will make you suffer. You see all of these people? They got off easy. Death is not a punishment, it is an escape.
Isles smiled at Gweg and took off out the door.
Gweg left the scene of the carnage. Unfortunately, he didn't know where he was.
Gweg had finally managed to find a familiar landmark and made his way home.
An hour later, he had arrived at the apartment and walked in. Satyr was watching TV.
Gweg stared at Satyr intently.
Satyr: You look like hell. And by the look on your face, it's somehow my fault.
Gweg: In a way, it is.
Satyr: How? I've been here all day.
Gweg explained what had happened.
Satyr sat there and soaked it all in. He sat there, silent, for a couple of minutes after Gweg had finished his story. Finally he looked up at Gweg.
Satyr: Gweg, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.
Gweg: What?
Satyr: You are trying to tell me that there are two groups out there who are following my every movement, one for me and one against me? Gweg, I have never known you to have an imagination, but when it finally decides to show itself, it come out like the fucking Death Star and all I can do is just look at it and say, "Look at the size of that thing!".
Gweg: You don't believe me?
Satyr: You actually expect me to swallow a whopper that size? ASL? All I have to say to that is: LOL!
Gweg was stunned. He honestly didn't know how to react.
Satyr: Gweg, either you have been smoking something you shouldn't have, or you are tired. I suggest you lie down.
Gweg: That's a good idea.
Gweg turned to go to his room. As he left, he didn't see the odd smile creep up on Satyr's face.
To Be Concluded
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
The Power Pack In "Waiting For McGuffin"
Brought together by fate, our heroes have teamed up to defend everyday, ordinary citizens from the evil of the world! Let me introduce you to our heroes! Pillz, is the owner of the incredible Power Ring, a powerful weapon that is only limited to Pillz' imagination and the color yellow! Pero, a mild mannered simpleton who, in periods of stress, can turn into the massive Pero Hulk. Then there is Primus.
We find our heroes at their headquarters, the local bowling alley.
Primus: Why do we have to use the bowling alley as our headquarters? It's too noisy in here and it stinks.
Pillz: It's also free. And they won't kick us out, not like jackasses at the skating rink.
Primus: That's ok. I don't like skating anyway. I always fall down.
Pero: I was never allowed to go skating. I'm not allowed to operate anything that has wheels.
Primus: I'm sure there is a good reason for that. Pillz, what are we doing just sitting here? We should be out there fighting crime!
Pillz: We are waiting for somebody.
Primus: Who?
Pillz: Mr. McGuffin.
Pero: No thanks, I don't like them.
Pillz: What?
Pero: I like the McGriddles better.
Pillz: Mr. McGuffin is not a McDonald's breakfast sandwich. He is a man, a very rich man. He may be our financial backer, then we can get a real headquarters.
Primus: When is he going to show up, I'm bored.
Pillz: He'll be here in about 30 minutes. Go bowl if you are that bored.
Primus: I don't want to bowl, I'm no good at it.
Pillz: Then go play some pool or some of the arcade games.
Primus: I'm not in the mood.
Pillz shook his head in frustration.
Primus: Since we are going to be waiting, I think we should have that talk.
Pillz: Fine, let's have it then.
Pero: I already had that talk with my mom. Something about birds, bees, and the mailman. I think my mom is a little crazy.
Primus: Not that talk. We are going to talk about what we are going to call ourselves.
Pero: Oh. My name is Pero.
Primus started to say something, but he saw Pillz shaking his head.
Pillz: Alright, what name did you come with?
Primus: The Power Pack.
Pillz: Don't you think there are enough "P"s between the three of us already?
Primus: That's just the thing. "Power Pack" fits just perfectly into the whole "all of our names begin with the letter P" motif, and it sounds cool.
Pillz: Alright. What do you think about "The Power Pack", Pero?
Pero: I've never heard them. Are they any good? What kind of music do they play?
Primus: No, we are the Power Pack.
Pero: We are? What instrument do I play?
Primus: We are not a band. It's what we are going to call our little super hero group here.
Pero: OH. That sounds neat.
Pillz: Fine, it's settled then, we are the Power Pack.
Primus let out a cheer.
Primus: Nothing like a good conversation to get the time passing. How much longer till he shows up now?
Pillz: 28 minutes.
Primus: God, this is taking forever! I'm going to go bowl.
Pero: I want to bowl too.
Primus and Pero got themselves a lane. Pillz obtained to sit the game out.
Primus led Pero over to the bowling ball racks.
Primus: The trick is finding the perfect ball that has the right size hole for your fingers and is just the right weight for you to properly bowl with.
Pero: I'm going to use this blue one here. Dad is always talking about how he gets the blue balls when he strikes out, so maybe the blue ball is lucky.
Primus gave Pero a curious look and saw Pillz motioning him over.
Primus: What is it? Is he here?
Pillz: No, he's not. Listen, remind Pero that it's just a game and that he doesn't need to get upset if he loses. I don't want any accidents.
Primus: I'm not sure he really cares, but I'll tell him.
Primus went over to Pero, who was staring at the overhead projector for the scorecard.
Primus: This game is just for fun, ok?
Pero: Dad always said it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.
Primus: That's always good advice.
Pero: But dad always gets angry when his teams don't win. He yells at the TV. Then dad looks at me, shakes his head, and guzzles down his beer.
Primus: Well, let's just bowl and forget about all of that, ok. I'll go first.
Pero rolled his ball down the lane. It was a strike.
Pero stood there in amazement. He had never rolled a strike before.
Pillz decided to go to the bowling alley's bar to get himself a drink.
Bartender: Hey there Pillz, what'll you have?
Pillz: Just a Coke. I got a meeting in a little bit.
Bartender: Sure thing. Hey, let me ask you a question. How good is your super hero team there?
Pillz: Oh, they are the absolute best. Couldn't ask for a better team.
Bartender: I can never tell if you are being serious or not.
Pillz: One of them is an idiot who turns into an even bigger idiot with muscles. The other, well, I don't even know what I keep him around for.
Bartender: I bet they are good to distract your enemies.
Pillz: Yeah, but that's the thing. There's not exactly an abundance of super villains out there. Not that I wish there were, but petty thieves and jerk-offs aren't much of a challenge for me.
Bartender: I hear that. Uh-oh.
Pillz: What is it?
Bartender: Looks like your friends have got themselves the wrong people for a crowd.
Pillz looked towards the lane Primus and Pero were using. A group of six tough looking bowlers had gathered around to watch the two super-powered bowlers.
Pillz: Who are they?
Bartender: They are the Gutter Sluts.
Pillz: The Gutter Sluts?
Bartender: Yeah, they are hardcore bowlers.
Pillz: I'd better get down there.
Primus had managed to bowl 5 strikes in a roll. Pero had forfeited all of his turns, because he was to transfixed with the overhead projector.
Primus rolled another strike and went to the ball return.
Primus: You seeing all of this Pero? I'm on a roll. Those stupid knives must not have been my only power after all. I have the power to be a perfect bowler!
Pero just sat there and stared. Six men walked up to them.
The Leader: Hey there, you are rolling pretty good there. My name is Kenny Cranker and I'm the leader of the Gutter Sluts.
Primus: You guys are legends! Wow! Brock Elias! You rolled a 295 one time! You are the best.
Eddie: Thanks. Looks like you are on your way to rolling a 300 there.
Kenny: We heard you say something about having a ssuper power. Got the power to roll a perfect game?
Primus: I don't know. Maybe it's a fluke.
One of the bigger members of the Gutter Sluts stood next to Primus and sniffed him.
Big Gutter Slut: He's got the power. I can smell it on him.
Kenny: That can only mean one thing. Looks like we got a new member of the Gutter Sluts!
Primus: That's quite an honor guys, but I'm a member of the Power Pack.
Kenny: The Power Pack? No, no. Your power only belongs here, on the lanes.
Primus: I need to use this power to fight crime. That's the Power Pack code.
Kenny: Nobody turns down an offer to join the Gutter Sluts! You are either with us, or you are against us!
Pero looked away from the projector.
Pero: George Bush said that once. He's the president and my hero. I was going to be the president in the future, but I screwed that up. I was a president before though, for my fan club. It was a Mr. Belvedere fan club. The only members were me and my imaginary fried, Lucas. Lucas ran away from our house when I was 12. I only saw him again once after that. It was at an Ozzfest concert. Lucas was playing bass for some band. I thought I was in a band once, but it turned out to be a group of super heroes. I wonder if we could get George Bush to join. He's my hero.
The Gutter Sluts and Primus stared at Pero.
Kenny: Your friend is a freak. But he'll make a good witness when we make an example of you.
Pillz: Wait just a second.
Kenny and the Gutter Sluts turned around. Pillz was standing there, with his ring aimed at Kenny.
Pillz: I think you'd better just walk away before I make an example of you.
Kenny: You're little toy doesn't scare me. Gorodki, do your thing.
Another of the Gutter Sluts, this one was the tallest and the most muscular of them.
He's also a Russian.
Gorodki grabbed Pero by the neck and picked him of the ground.
Kenny: Gorodki is about to perform the Seven-Ten Split.
Gorodki kicked Pero right in the balls.
Pillz: Oh hell, you guys just made one very big mistake.
Pero began to grow. He turned into the Pero Hulk.
Pero Hulk: You hurt Pero, Pero smash!
Pero picked up his blue bowling ball and threw it at Gorodki. It took his head clean off.
Kenny: Ok, you guys win.
Pillz: What?
Kenny: We are just a bunch of bowlers, it's not like we are really capable of anything to take you guys on.
Pillz: Damn, I was really looking forward to a fight.
Kenny: Just to let bygones be bygones, I'd be willing to buy you all a beer, but the bartender took the day off.
Pillz: No he didn't. In fact I just....
Pillz started to feel light headed. He then recalled the conversation he had with the bartender, how did he know that Pillz had a super hero team. For that matter, how did he know Pillz' name. It was the first time they had ever met.
Pillz started to warn the others, but he passed out.
The "bartender" walked up to them.
Primus: Why, you are no bartender, you are Dr. Dohickey!
Dr. Dohickey: That's right! And I have put your leader out of commission. As I had him distracted, I slipped some sleeping pills into his drink. Some pills for Pillz, how deliciously ironic! Now I will take you all out with my Dohickey!
Primus: Damn you! Pero, get him!
Pero Hulk went after Dr. Dohickey, but Dohickey was ready for him.
Dr. Dohickey: Look Pero, I have your blue ball! If you hurt me, you also hurt the ball.
Pero Hulk stared at the ball. Rather than hurt it, Pero Hulk backed away, as he did this, he started turning back into regular Pero.
Dr. Dohickey: That's more like it. Now, to activate my Dohickey and take you all out.
Pero: Where did those men go?
Primus: They ran away. The cowards. Why are you doing this Dr. Dohickey?
Dr. Dohickey: Because it's fun. And I need the three of you out of my way. I heard all about you three from Crunchy, my former lackey. I called him Thingamagig before he started working for Capt. Taco. But enough of that, my victory awaits!
Dr. Dohickey went over to the overhead projector. He pressed some of the buttons on it.
Dr. Dohickey: I designed my dohickey to look like this projector. I made sure you guys got this lane by bribing the clerk on duty. I lured you all to this bowling alley by pretending to be Mr. McGuffin and telling Pillz to meet me here. Why isn't this damn thing working yet?
Dr. Dohickey looked at his machine. Nothing was happening.
Dr. Dohickey: It should have done it's thing by now! What's wrong with it?
Pero: I noticed it was acting funny when I looked at the scores card on the wall. It was twitching. While Primus was making all of those strikes, I pried open the controlled panel and had a look inside. I saw your Dohickey in there and destroyed it.
Dr. Dohickey: Hmm. Imagine that?
Dr. Dohickey took off running.
Primus: Don't worry, I got this.
Primus picked up his bowling ball and rolled it at Dr. Dohickey. It was a direct hit. It knocked him to the ground.
Dr. Dohickey tried to get up, but he found himself trapped in a giant green bubble.
Pillz: I have got a killer headache. You are going straight to jail.
Dr. Dohickey: You haven't heard the last of me!
Later, the cops took Dr. Dohickey away. Primus explained the whole situation to Pillz.
Pillz: How did you know who that freak was?
Primus: I saw his profile on Myspace.
Pillz: Figures.
Primus: What I don't understand, is why Pero kept staring at the projection even after he figured out what was wrong with it.
Pero: I don't know how those things work. It's like magic or something.
The End
We find our heroes at their headquarters, the local bowling alley.
Primus: Why do we have to use the bowling alley as our headquarters? It's too noisy in here and it stinks.
Pillz: It's also free. And they won't kick us out, not like jackasses at the skating rink.
Primus: That's ok. I don't like skating anyway. I always fall down.
Pero: I was never allowed to go skating. I'm not allowed to operate anything that has wheels.
Primus: I'm sure there is a good reason for that. Pillz, what are we doing just sitting here? We should be out there fighting crime!
Pillz: We are waiting for somebody.
Primus: Who?
Pillz: Mr. McGuffin.
Pero: No thanks, I don't like them.
Pillz: What?
Pero: I like the McGriddles better.
Pillz: Mr. McGuffin is not a McDonald's breakfast sandwich. He is a man, a very rich man. He may be our financial backer, then we can get a real headquarters.
Primus: When is he going to show up, I'm bored.
Pillz: He'll be here in about 30 minutes. Go bowl if you are that bored.
Primus: I don't want to bowl, I'm no good at it.
Pillz: Then go play some pool or some of the arcade games.
Primus: I'm not in the mood.
Pillz shook his head in frustration.
Primus: Since we are going to be waiting, I think we should have that talk.
Pillz: Fine, let's have it then.
Pero: I already had that talk with my mom. Something about birds, bees, and the mailman. I think my mom is a little crazy.
Primus: Not that talk. We are going to talk about what we are going to call ourselves.
Pero: Oh. My name is Pero.
Primus started to say something, but he saw Pillz shaking his head.
Pillz: Alright, what name did you come with?
Primus: The Power Pack.
Pillz: Don't you think there are enough "P"s between the three of us already?
Primus: That's just the thing. "Power Pack" fits just perfectly into the whole "all of our names begin with the letter P" motif, and it sounds cool.
Pillz: Alright. What do you think about "The Power Pack", Pero?
Pero: I've never heard them. Are they any good? What kind of music do they play?
Primus: No, we are the Power Pack.
Pero: We are? What instrument do I play?
Primus: We are not a band. It's what we are going to call our little super hero group here.
Pero: OH. That sounds neat.
Pillz: Fine, it's settled then, we are the Power Pack.
Primus let out a cheer.
Primus: Nothing like a good conversation to get the time passing. How much longer till he shows up now?
Pillz: 28 minutes.
Primus: God, this is taking forever! I'm going to go bowl.
Pero: I want to bowl too.
Primus and Pero got themselves a lane. Pillz obtained to sit the game out.
Primus led Pero over to the bowling ball racks.
Primus: The trick is finding the perfect ball that has the right size hole for your fingers and is just the right weight for you to properly bowl with.
Pero: I'm going to use this blue one here. Dad is always talking about how he gets the blue balls when he strikes out, so maybe the blue ball is lucky.
Primus gave Pero a curious look and saw Pillz motioning him over.
Primus: What is it? Is he here?
Pillz: No, he's not. Listen, remind Pero that it's just a game and that he doesn't need to get upset if he loses. I don't want any accidents.
Primus: I'm not sure he really cares, but I'll tell him.
Primus went over to Pero, who was staring at the overhead projector for the scorecard.
Primus: This game is just for fun, ok?
Pero: Dad always said it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.
Primus: That's always good advice.
Pero: But dad always gets angry when his teams don't win. He yells at the TV. Then dad looks at me, shakes his head, and guzzles down his beer.
Primus: Well, let's just bowl and forget about all of that, ok. I'll go first.
Pero rolled his ball down the lane. It was a strike.
Pero stood there in amazement. He had never rolled a strike before.
Pillz decided to go to the bowling alley's bar to get himself a drink.
Bartender: Hey there Pillz, what'll you have?
Pillz: Just a Coke. I got a meeting in a little bit.
Bartender: Sure thing. Hey, let me ask you a question. How good is your super hero team there?
Pillz: Oh, they are the absolute best. Couldn't ask for a better team.
Bartender: I can never tell if you are being serious or not.
Pillz: One of them is an idiot who turns into an even bigger idiot with muscles. The other, well, I don't even know what I keep him around for.
Bartender: I bet they are good to distract your enemies.
Pillz: Yeah, but that's the thing. There's not exactly an abundance of super villains out there. Not that I wish there were, but petty thieves and jerk-offs aren't much of a challenge for me.
Bartender: I hear that. Uh-oh.
Pillz: What is it?
Bartender: Looks like your friends have got themselves the wrong people for a crowd.
Pillz looked towards the lane Primus and Pero were using. A group of six tough looking bowlers had gathered around to watch the two super-powered bowlers.
Pillz: Who are they?
Bartender: They are the Gutter Sluts.
Pillz: The Gutter Sluts?
Bartender: Yeah, they are hardcore bowlers.
Pillz: I'd better get down there.
Primus had managed to bowl 5 strikes in a roll. Pero had forfeited all of his turns, because he was to transfixed with the overhead projector.
Primus rolled another strike and went to the ball return.
Primus: You seeing all of this Pero? I'm on a roll. Those stupid knives must not have been my only power after all. I have the power to be a perfect bowler!
Pero just sat there and stared. Six men walked up to them.
The Leader: Hey there, you are rolling pretty good there. My name is Kenny Cranker and I'm the leader of the Gutter Sluts.
Primus: You guys are legends! Wow! Brock Elias! You rolled a 295 one time! You are the best.
Eddie: Thanks. Looks like you are on your way to rolling a 300 there.
Kenny: We heard you say something about having a ssuper power. Got the power to roll a perfect game?
Primus: I don't know. Maybe it's a fluke.
One of the bigger members of the Gutter Sluts stood next to Primus and sniffed him.
Big Gutter Slut: He's got the power. I can smell it on him.
Kenny: That can only mean one thing. Looks like we got a new member of the Gutter Sluts!
Primus: That's quite an honor guys, but I'm a member of the Power Pack.
Kenny: The Power Pack? No, no. Your power only belongs here, on the lanes.
Primus: I need to use this power to fight crime. That's the Power Pack code.
Kenny: Nobody turns down an offer to join the Gutter Sluts! You are either with us, or you are against us!
Pero looked away from the projector.
Pero: George Bush said that once. He's the president and my hero. I was going to be the president in the future, but I screwed that up. I was a president before though, for my fan club. It was a Mr. Belvedere fan club. The only members were me and my imaginary fried, Lucas. Lucas ran away from our house when I was 12. I only saw him again once after that. It was at an Ozzfest concert. Lucas was playing bass for some band. I thought I was in a band once, but it turned out to be a group of super heroes. I wonder if we could get George Bush to join. He's my hero.
The Gutter Sluts and Primus stared at Pero.
Kenny: Your friend is a freak. But he'll make a good witness when we make an example of you.
Pillz: Wait just a second.
Kenny and the Gutter Sluts turned around. Pillz was standing there, with his ring aimed at Kenny.
Pillz: I think you'd better just walk away before I make an example of you.
Kenny: You're little toy doesn't scare me. Gorodki, do your thing.
Another of the Gutter Sluts, this one was the tallest and the most muscular of them.
He's also a Russian.
Gorodki grabbed Pero by the neck and picked him of the ground.
Kenny: Gorodki is about to perform the Seven-Ten Split.
Gorodki kicked Pero right in the balls.
Pillz: Oh hell, you guys just made one very big mistake.
Pero began to grow. He turned into the Pero Hulk.
Pero Hulk: You hurt Pero, Pero smash!
Pero picked up his blue bowling ball and threw it at Gorodki. It took his head clean off.
Kenny: Ok, you guys win.
Pillz: What?
Kenny: We are just a bunch of bowlers, it's not like we are really capable of anything to take you guys on.
Pillz: Damn, I was really looking forward to a fight.
Kenny: Just to let bygones be bygones, I'd be willing to buy you all a beer, but the bartender took the day off.
Pillz: No he didn't. In fact I just....
Pillz started to feel light headed. He then recalled the conversation he had with the bartender, how did he know that Pillz had a super hero team. For that matter, how did he know Pillz' name. It was the first time they had ever met.
Pillz started to warn the others, but he passed out.
The "bartender" walked up to them.
Primus: Why, you are no bartender, you are Dr. Dohickey!
Dr. Dohickey: That's right! And I have put your leader out of commission. As I had him distracted, I slipped some sleeping pills into his drink. Some pills for Pillz, how deliciously ironic! Now I will take you all out with my Dohickey!
Primus: Damn you! Pero, get him!
Pero Hulk went after Dr. Dohickey, but Dohickey was ready for him.
Dr. Dohickey: Look Pero, I have your blue ball! If you hurt me, you also hurt the ball.
Pero Hulk stared at the ball. Rather than hurt it, Pero Hulk backed away, as he did this, he started turning back into regular Pero.
Dr. Dohickey: That's more like it. Now, to activate my Dohickey and take you all out.
Pero: Where did those men go?
Primus: They ran away. The cowards. Why are you doing this Dr. Dohickey?
Dr. Dohickey: Because it's fun. And I need the three of you out of my way. I heard all about you three from Crunchy, my former lackey. I called him Thingamagig before he started working for Capt. Taco. But enough of that, my victory awaits!
Dr. Dohickey went over to the overhead projector. He pressed some of the buttons on it.
Dr. Dohickey: I designed my dohickey to look like this projector. I made sure you guys got this lane by bribing the clerk on duty. I lured you all to this bowling alley by pretending to be Mr. McGuffin and telling Pillz to meet me here. Why isn't this damn thing working yet?
Dr. Dohickey looked at his machine. Nothing was happening.
Dr. Dohickey: It should have done it's thing by now! What's wrong with it?
Pero: I noticed it was acting funny when I looked at the scores card on the wall. It was twitching. While Primus was making all of those strikes, I pried open the controlled panel and had a look inside. I saw your Dohickey in there and destroyed it.
Dr. Dohickey: Hmm. Imagine that?
Dr. Dohickey took off running.
Primus: Don't worry, I got this.
Primus picked up his bowling ball and rolled it at Dr. Dohickey. It was a direct hit. It knocked him to the ground.
Dr. Dohickey tried to get up, but he found himself trapped in a giant green bubble.
Pillz: I have got a killer headache. You are going straight to jail.
Dr. Dohickey: You haven't heard the last of me!
Later, the cops took Dr. Dohickey away. Primus explained the whole situation to Pillz.
Pillz: How did you know who that freak was?
Primus: I saw his profile on Myspace.
Pillz: Figures.
Primus: What I don't understand, is why Pero kept staring at the projection even after he figured out what was wrong with it.
Pero: I don't know how those things work. It's like magic or something.
The End
Monday, April 24, 2006
Choose Your Own Adventure
Satyr hadn't been to sleep in 2 days.
The first day he was up working on a new invention. Inspired by the Memory Neuralizer in the movie Men In Black, Satyr wanted to make something similar.
He succeeded....somewhat.
What Satyr managed to create was what he called a Hypno And Reducer Memory Ray, or a HARM Ray for short.
It looked like a child's ray gun. It held five "doses". When a person was shot with a dose, the shooter would be able to make the victim do anything they wanted, but only for five hours, then after the time was up, the victim would forget everything in the past six hours of their life.
Unfortunately, Satyr was only able to create five doses for the gun. He used one the second day to figure out what it did.
Lucky for Satyr, the nun didn't know how she ended up in at a sleazy hotel wearing a g-string and a wet t-shirt, but she was shocked to find herself in that state.
Satyr now knew that before the five hours were up, he had to get the victim back to a familiar place.
Satisfied, but disappointed he only had five doses left, Satyr went to bed.
The next day, Satyr had gotten on the computer. Gweg was watching TV.
Satyr was looking up something, hoping he wouldn't find it. And when he did, he let out a yell.
Satyr: Those sons-of-bitches!
Gweg: What is your problem?
Satyr: They stole my idea!
Gweg: Hate to break it to you, but they already have two-in-one fast food restaurants.
Satyr: I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about this!
Satyr pointed to the screen. Gweg got up and looked at it. He saw a page on the Internet Movie Database for a Choose Your Own Adventure movie.
Satyr: That was my idea. They aren't going to get away with this.
Gweg: Well, I'll let you work this out on your own. I'm going for a walk.
Satyr: Have fun.
Gweg: Oh, before I go, I need to ask you what you were up to yesterday.
Satyr: Why?
Gweg: Well, the paper today had an interesting little article about this nun...
Satyr: Whatever it was, it wasn't me.
Gweg: Yeah, I bet.
Gweg went to the park. It was the best place in town to do some walking.
Gweg was walking for twenty minutes when he saw something amazing.
He saw the woman of his dreams sitting on the park bench.
Now is the time for your first choice.
Click here if you want Gweg to ask the woman out.
Click here if you don't want Gweg to ask the woman out.
The first day he was up working on a new invention. Inspired by the Memory Neuralizer in the movie Men In Black, Satyr wanted to make something similar.
He succeeded....somewhat.
What Satyr managed to create was what he called a Hypno And Reducer Memory Ray, or a HARM Ray for short.
It looked like a child's ray gun. It held five "doses". When a person was shot with a dose, the shooter would be able to make the victim do anything they wanted, but only for five hours, then after the time was up, the victim would forget everything in the past six hours of their life.
Unfortunately, Satyr was only able to create five doses for the gun. He used one the second day to figure out what it did.
Lucky for Satyr, the nun didn't know how she ended up in at a sleazy hotel wearing a g-string and a wet t-shirt, but she was shocked to find herself in that state.
Satyr now knew that before the five hours were up, he had to get the victim back to a familiar place.
Satisfied, but disappointed he only had five doses left, Satyr went to bed.
The next day, Satyr had gotten on the computer. Gweg was watching TV.
Satyr was looking up something, hoping he wouldn't find it. And when he did, he let out a yell.
Satyr: Those sons-of-bitches!
Gweg: What is your problem?
Satyr: They stole my idea!
Gweg: Hate to break it to you, but they already have two-in-one fast food restaurants.
Satyr: I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about this!
Satyr pointed to the screen. Gweg got up and looked at it. He saw a page on the Internet Movie Database for a Choose Your Own Adventure movie.
Satyr: That was my idea. They aren't going to get away with this.
Gweg: Well, I'll let you work this out on your own. I'm going for a walk.
Satyr: Have fun.
Gweg: Oh, before I go, I need to ask you what you were up to yesterday.
Satyr: Why?
Gweg: Well, the paper today had an interesting little article about this nun...
Satyr: Whatever it was, it wasn't me.
Gweg: Yeah, I bet.
Gweg went to the park. It was the best place in town to do some walking.
Gweg was walking for twenty minutes when he saw something amazing.
He saw the woman of his dreams sitting on the park bench.
Now is the time for your first choice.
Click here if you want Gweg to ask the woman out.
Click here if you don't want Gweg to ask the woman out.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Snakes On A Satyr
There are those who think the apocalypse will occur on June 6th, 2006, or 06/06/06 if you will. Gweg, on the other hand, knew for a fact, that the apocalypse would not be happening then.
It was going to happen on August 18th, 2006.
The first signs of the impending doom came to Gweg a little over a year ago.
Gweg had been watching Scientific American Frontiers, one of his favorite programs. Satyr was busy at the computer.
Out of paranoid habit, Gweg would periodically glance over at Satyr, just to keep him in check. Every time Gweg looked over there, Satyr had been staring intently at the screen.
Just as Scientific American Frontiers was finishing up, Satyr let out a maniacal laugh. He then got up from the computer desk, walked over to Gweg, said four words to him, laughed, and went to bed.
The four words had been: Snakes on a Plane.
Ever since that time, Gweg has had to endure an onslaught of annoyance from Satyr dealing with the subject. Gweg was hoping that the whole thing was one of Satyr's "four week fads" and that it would blow over.
Not only would Gweg find out it wasn't, but he would find out it was much worse than he thought.
The popularity of Snakes on a Plane was growing. Shirts, buttons, songs, fan clubs...And the movie wasn't even out yet. Satyr was in heaven, Gweg was in hell.
As April 1st came around, Gweg was hoping Samuel L. Jackson would hold a press conference and exclaim, "April Fucking Fools, Motherfuckers!", but it wasn't to be.
And last night, Gweg though he could escape the insanity by watching some CNN. He was wrong.
CNN seemed to have been raped by Satyr himself, and was given a new strand of genital warts called Snakes on a Plane.
That was when Gweg knew for a fact, that on Aug 18th, the world would end.
The next day, Gweg woke early and got on the computer. Gweg went to Beethoven.com, put on his headphones, and let the sound of classical music calm his nerves. These moments of tranquility were the only times Gweg was ever truly at peace. Satyr wouldn't be up for another three hours at the least. Gweg was in paradise.
And not four minutes after Gweg started listening, was there a knock on the door.
Gweg got up and answered the door. Deep down, Gweg knew this interruption was a bad omen. He was right.
On the other side of the door was a delivery man and what sounded like steam letting out in a bunch of small places.
Delivery Man: I've got some crates to deliver here.
Gweg: Crates?
Delivery Man: Yeah. Crates filled with live animals.
Gweg: You must be delivering them to Old Man Roberts. He's always getting his hands on exotic animals. It's a real problem.
Delivery Man: Nope. The form says the shipment is for a V. Satyr
Gweg's stomach sank into feet.
Gweg: He's asleep. Uh, What kind of animals are in the crates?
Delivery Man: Snakes. Listen, I've got them out here in the hall. You can just sign for them, I've got more deliveries to make.
Gweg: No. I'm not going to sign for them. Take them back.
Delivery Man: Listen pal, I had to drive three hours with those goddamn things in the back. The hissing was unbearable. There's no way in hell, those are going back into my truck. I'll just sign for the goddamn things myself.
Gweg: You can't do that!
The Delivery Man did it anyway. He took the copy of the form off of his clipboard and threw it at Gweg. He took off down the hall.
Gweg stood there in a daze. He looked out in the hall and saw three crates. Out in the hall, the hissing was even louder.
Gweg turned around and saw Satyr standing in the living room.
Satyr: What the hell is up with all the damn racket out here? I was having that dream about Keira Knightly again. You know, the one where she can act.
Gweg: Your snakes are here.
Satyr's face lit up like it was Christmas morning. He ran out into the hall and looked over the crates.
Satyr: Yes! This is going to be great.
Satyr looked around the boxes and got a puzzled look on his face. He turned to Gweg.
Satyr: Did the delivery man give you any more packages?
Gweg: No, he didn't.
Satyr: Oh, this is just great! They didn't deliver the mice! How am I supposed to feed them?
Gweg: That's a shame. Better send them back.
Satyr: No, it'll be alright. I'll find another way to feed them. Hey. Didn't Ms. Johnson in room 415 just have twins?
Gweg: Yeah she did, why?
Satyr: Just curious. I should go up there and congratulate her.
Gweg grabbed Satyr's arm.
Gweg: You are not going up there.
Satyr: These snakes are going to be fed one way or another. Now, I'm going to go get my coat and I'm going down to the pet store. Coming?
Gweg: No, I'm not going with you to the pet store. But before you leave, do you mind answering me one simple question?
Satyr: Ok, shoot.
Gweg: WHY IN THE BLUE FUCKING HELL DID YOU ORDER A GODDAMN BUNCH OF SNAKES!
Satyr: Keep your voice down, Jesus. I got them because I'm planning to do a social experiment.
Gweg: And what does this involve.
Satyr: When Snakes On A Plane comes out Aug. 18th, I'm going to unleash the snakes into a theater showing the film.
Gweg: That isn't a "social experiment". It's one of your stupid ass pranks.
Satyr: That's where you are wrong. I'm going to study the audience's reaction as they are put through a similar experience akin to the one they have just witnessed on the big screen.
Gweg: And just what are reasons for doing this social experiment? I doubt you got up one morning and thought to yourself "Hey. It would be great if I did something incredibly stupid in relation to this incredibly stupid ass movie coming out," Then again, knowing you, that's probably exactly what you did.
Satyr: You think you know me so well huh? Well, I know all about you Gweg. Yeah, that's right. I know exactly what makes us different. I'm not afraid to take risks. You see, I've been going through your internet browser history, and I know you've been checking out the stock market. In fact, you've been doing this for quite some time. And yet, you don't own any stocks! You are too afraid to take that final plunge. Nou me. I dive right in, with my eyes wide open and despite all of the failures I have encountered, I have no regrets. You, on the other hand, are the embodiment of regret.
Gweg: The stock market is a little more complicated than that! You have to study and analyze what is going on. You can't just point and choose and hope for the best, that'd be idiotic. And If I ever catch you looking through my browser history again, I will break every one of your goddamn fingers. Now, answer my question, what gave you the idea to do this.
Satyr: I've been talking to a college professor who teaches psychology. He is very interested in the phenomenon that is Snakes On A Plane. He came up with the idea and I'm going to implement it.
Gweg: You are lying. No college professor would ever...
Satyr hushed him.
Satyr: Do you hear anything?
Gweg listened.
Gweg: No, I don't.
Satyr: Well, that's odd, because other than your loud mouth, I've been hearing a hissing sound, and now it's gone.
Gweg's eyes widened with horror. He ran out into the hall.
The tops of the crates had been dislodged. A note was pinned to one of them. It read:
"Don't ever fuck with a delivery man".
Satyr read the note.
Satyr: What did you do to him?
Gweg: I wouldn't sign the delivery form.
Satyr: Way to go. Now you are going to help me find the snakes.
That's when they heard a scream.
Gweg: What kinds of snakes did you get?
Satyr: Cobras, rattlesnakes, copperheads, vipers, you know, the cool kinds.
Gweg: You mean the venomous kinds.
Satyr: Venomous?
Gweg: Yes, idiot. The kinds that can kill you with a bite.
Satyr: Well now, that is all sorts of suck right there. We need to ask ourselves one question: W.W.S.L.J.D.?
Gweg: What?
Satyr: What would Samuel L. Jackson do?
Gweg: He is an actor. Yes, he might be a very good actor, but he is an actor nevertheless. And what an actor would do in this situation is not going to help us.
Satyr: You're right. We need Chuck Norris.
Gweg's eyes filled with a fiery rage. Gweg reached into his pocket and brought out a pocket knife. Gweg tackled Satyr to the floor and held the knife to his throat.
Gweg: If there is one thing I hate hearing about more than Snakes on a Plane, it is Chuck fucking Norris! Now, if you ever bring him up again, I will cut off your fucking head and mount it on the wall!
Satyr: Jesus Christ! All right.
Gweg got off of Satyr and put his knife away.
Gweg: Good, I'm glad we got that cleared up. Now let's get everybody out of the building.
They went up to the fourth floor first. It was they very top floor.
They knocked on room 401. An old man answered the door.
Old Man Roberts: How can I help you boys?
Gweg: Sir, there is an emergency situation and you need to get out of the building.
Old Man Roberts: What's going on?
Satyr: There are motherfucking snakes in the motherfucking apartment building!
Old Man Roberts growled and slammed the door in their faces. They heard him say on the other side "fucking kids".
Gweg: You are not helping.
Satyr: Oh yeah? Why don't we just use the fire alarm?
Gweg: Go to hell.
Gweg pulled on the fire alarm. It went off and the occupants of the fourth floor came out of their apartments.
Gweg: Nothing to be afraid of folks! Just come down the stairs and exit the building in an orderly fashion.
They all reached the stairs and stopped when they got there. The stairway was covered with snakes.
Satyr: What now?
Gweg: I don't know. We need something to distract them.
Satyr: I'm on it.
Satyr found Ms. Johnson who was holding on to her two babies. Satyr grabbed one and threw it down the stairs. The snakes were on it immediately.
Ms. Johnson: My baby!
Satyr: It's all right, it's not like you don't have another one.
Satyr smiled triumphantly. But the smile was wiped off his face, due to the fact that Gweg had punched him right in the face.
Satyr came to three hours later.
He woke up in a hospital room. Gweg was sitting by his side.
Gweg: You should be in a prison infirmary for what you did.
Satyr: What I did? What I did was save our asses. You see, that's another thing that differs between you and I. If you had to shoot a baby to save the world, you couldn't do it. I, however, would not only do it, but I'd do it with a big smile on my face.
Gweg: That's because you are a monster. And the only reason you are not in jail, is because Ms. Johnson, and every other resident of the fourth floor is dead.
Satyr: The snakes got all of them?
Gweg: No. They were too afraid to go down the stairs, so they all jumped out of the windows.
Satyr: How did they die from falling four stories?
Gweg: They landed into Old Man Roberts' alligator pond.
Satyr: Ouch.
Gweg: Anyway, your snakes are all dead. Animal control decided to kill them all. The police think they belonged to Old Man Roberts, so they won't be pinning the bill on you. The landlord is raising everyone's rent until some new residents move into the fourth floor.
Satyr: All of my snakes are dead?
Gweg: Yep. Looks like you won't be able to perform that social experiment after all.
Satyr: Damn. Watching all of those people in that theater run from the snakes was going to be funny as hell.
It was going to happen on August 18th, 2006.
The first signs of the impending doom came to Gweg a little over a year ago.
Gweg had been watching Scientific American Frontiers, one of his favorite programs. Satyr was busy at the computer.
Out of paranoid habit, Gweg would periodically glance over at Satyr, just to keep him in check. Every time Gweg looked over there, Satyr had been staring intently at the screen.
Just as Scientific American Frontiers was finishing up, Satyr let out a maniacal laugh. He then got up from the computer desk, walked over to Gweg, said four words to him, laughed, and went to bed.
The four words had been: Snakes on a Plane.
Ever since that time, Gweg has had to endure an onslaught of annoyance from Satyr dealing with the subject. Gweg was hoping that the whole thing was one of Satyr's "four week fads" and that it would blow over.
Not only would Gweg find out it wasn't, but he would find out it was much worse than he thought.
The popularity of Snakes on a Plane was growing. Shirts, buttons, songs, fan clubs...And the movie wasn't even out yet. Satyr was in heaven, Gweg was in hell.
As April 1st came around, Gweg was hoping Samuel L. Jackson would hold a press conference and exclaim, "April Fucking Fools, Motherfuckers!", but it wasn't to be.
And last night, Gweg though he could escape the insanity by watching some CNN. He was wrong.
CNN seemed to have been raped by Satyr himself, and was given a new strand of genital warts called Snakes on a Plane.
That was when Gweg knew for a fact, that on Aug 18th, the world would end.
The next day, Gweg woke early and got on the computer. Gweg went to Beethoven.com, put on his headphones, and let the sound of classical music calm his nerves. These moments of tranquility were the only times Gweg was ever truly at peace. Satyr wouldn't be up for another three hours at the least. Gweg was in paradise.
And not four minutes after Gweg started listening, was there a knock on the door.
Gweg got up and answered the door. Deep down, Gweg knew this interruption was a bad omen. He was right.
On the other side of the door was a delivery man and what sounded like steam letting out in a bunch of small places.
Delivery Man: I've got some crates to deliver here.
Gweg: Crates?
Delivery Man: Yeah. Crates filled with live animals.
Gweg: You must be delivering them to Old Man Roberts. He's always getting his hands on exotic animals. It's a real problem.
Delivery Man: Nope. The form says the shipment is for a V. Satyr
Gweg's stomach sank into feet.
Gweg: He's asleep. Uh, What kind of animals are in the crates?
Delivery Man: Snakes. Listen, I've got them out here in the hall. You can just sign for them, I've got more deliveries to make.
Gweg: No. I'm not going to sign for them. Take them back.
Delivery Man: Listen pal, I had to drive three hours with those goddamn things in the back. The hissing was unbearable. There's no way in hell, those are going back into my truck. I'll just sign for the goddamn things myself.
Gweg: You can't do that!
The Delivery Man did it anyway. He took the copy of the form off of his clipboard and threw it at Gweg. He took off down the hall.
Gweg stood there in a daze. He looked out in the hall and saw three crates. Out in the hall, the hissing was even louder.
Gweg turned around and saw Satyr standing in the living room.
Satyr: What the hell is up with all the damn racket out here? I was having that dream about Keira Knightly again. You know, the one where she can act.
Gweg: Your snakes are here.
Satyr's face lit up like it was Christmas morning. He ran out into the hall and looked over the crates.
Satyr: Yes! This is going to be great.
Satyr looked around the boxes and got a puzzled look on his face. He turned to Gweg.
Satyr: Did the delivery man give you any more packages?
Gweg: No, he didn't.
Satyr: Oh, this is just great! They didn't deliver the mice! How am I supposed to feed them?
Gweg: That's a shame. Better send them back.
Satyr: No, it'll be alright. I'll find another way to feed them. Hey. Didn't Ms. Johnson in room 415 just have twins?
Gweg: Yeah she did, why?
Satyr: Just curious. I should go up there and congratulate her.
Gweg grabbed Satyr's arm.
Gweg: You are not going up there.
Satyr: These snakes are going to be fed one way or another. Now, I'm going to go get my coat and I'm going down to the pet store. Coming?
Gweg: No, I'm not going with you to the pet store. But before you leave, do you mind answering me one simple question?
Satyr: Ok, shoot.
Gweg: WHY IN THE BLUE FUCKING HELL DID YOU ORDER A GODDAMN BUNCH OF SNAKES!
Satyr: Keep your voice down, Jesus. I got them because I'm planning to do a social experiment.
Gweg: And what does this involve.
Satyr: When Snakes On A Plane comes out Aug. 18th, I'm going to unleash the snakes into a theater showing the film.
Gweg: That isn't a "social experiment". It's one of your stupid ass pranks.
Satyr: That's where you are wrong. I'm going to study the audience's reaction as they are put through a similar experience akin to the one they have just witnessed on the big screen.
Gweg: And just what are reasons for doing this social experiment? I doubt you got up one morning and thought to yourself "Hey. It would be great if I did something incredibly stupid in relation to this incredibly stupid ass movie coming out," Then again, knowing you, that's probably exactly what you did.
Satyr: You think you know me so well huh? Well, I know all about you Gweg. Yeah, that's right. I know exactly what makes us different. I'm not afraid to take risks. You see, I've been going through your internet browser history, and I know you've been checking out the stock market. In fact, you've been doing this for quite some time. And yet, you don't own any stocks! You are too afraid to take that final plunge. Nou me. I dive right in, with my eyes wide open and despite all of the failures I have encountered, I have no regrets. You, on the other hand, are the embodiment of regret.
Gweg: The stock market is a little more complicated than that! You have to study and analyze what is going on. You can't just point and choose and hope for the best, that'd be idiotic. And If I ever catch you looking through my browser history again, I will break every one of your goddamn fingers. Now, answer my question, what gave you the idea to do this.
Satyr: I've been talking to a college professor who teaches psychology. He is very interested in the phenomenon that is Snakes On A Plane. He came up with the idea and I'm going to implement it.
Gweg: You are lying. No college professor would ever...
Satyr hushed him.
Satyr: Do you hear anything?
Gweg listened.
Gweg: No, I don't.
Satyr: Well, that's odd, because other than your loud mouth, I've been hearing a hissing sound, and now it's gone.
Gweg's eyes widened with horror. He ran out into the hall.
The tops of the crates had been dislodged. A note was pinned to one of them. It read:
"Don't ever fuck with a delivery man".
Satyr read the note.
Satyr: What did you do to him?
Gweg: I wouldn't sign the delivery form.
Satyr: Way to go. Now you are going to help me find the snakes.
That's when they heard a scream.
Gweg: What kinds of snakes did you get?
Satyr: Cobras, rattlesnakes, copperheads, vipers, you know, the cool kinds.
Gweg: You mean the venomous kinds.
Satyr: Venomous?
Gweg: Yes, idiot. The kinds that can kill you with a bite.
Satyr: Well now, that is all sorts of suck right there. We need to ask ourselves one question: W.W.S.L.J.D.?
Gweg: What?
Satyr: What would Samuel L. Jackson do?
Gweg: He is an actor. Yes, he might be a very good actor, but he is an actor nevertheless. And what an actor would do in this situation is not going to help us.
Satyr: You're right. We need Chuck Norris.
Gweg's eyes filled with a fiery rage. Gweg reached into his pocket and brought out a pocket knife. Gweg tackled Satyr to the floor and held the knife to his throat.
Gweg: If there is one thing I hate hearing about more than Snakes on a Plane, it is Chuck fucking Norris! Now, if you ever bring him up again, I will cut off your fucking head and mount it on the wall!
Satyr: Jesus Christ! All right.
Gweg got off of Satyr and put his knife away.
Gweg: Good, I'm glad we got that cleared up. Now let's get everybody out of the building.
They went up to the fourth floor first. It was they very top floor.
They knocked on room 401. An old man answered the door.
Old Man Roberts: How can I help you boys?
Gweg: Sir, there is an emergency situation and you need to get out of the building.
Old Man Roberts: What's going on?
Satyr: There are motherfucking snakes in the motherfucking apartment building!
Old Man Roberts growled and slammed the door in their faces. They heard him say on the other side "fucking kids".
Gweg: You are not helping.
Satyr: Oh yeah? Why don't we just use the fire alarm?
Gweg: Go to hell.
Gweg pulled on the fire alarm. It went off and the occupants of the fourth floor came out of their apartments.
Gweg: Nothing to be afraid of folks! Just come down the stairs and exit the building in an orderly fashion.
They all reached the stairs and stopped when they got there. The stairway was covered with snakes.
Satyr: What now?
Gweg: I don't know. We need something to distract them.
Satyr: I'm on it.
Satyr found Ms. Johnson who was holding on to her two babies. Satyr grabbed one and threw it down the stairs. The snakes were on it immediately.
Ms. Johnson: My baby!
Satyr: It's all right, it's not like you don't have another one.
Satyr smiled triumphantly. But the smile was wiped off his face, due to the fact that Gweg had punched him right in the face.
Satyr came to three hours later.
He woke up in a hospital room. Gweg was sitting by his side.
Gweg: You should be in a prison infirmary for what you did.
Satyr: What I did? What I did was save our asses. You see, that's another thing that differs between you and I. If you had to shoot a baby to save the world, you couldn't do it. I, however, would not only do it, but I'd do it with a big smile on my face.
Gweg: That's because you are a monster. And the only reason you are not in jail, is because Ms. Johnson, and every other resident of the fourth floor is dead.
Satyr: The snakes got all of them?
Gweg: No. They were too afraid to go down the stairs, so they all jumped out of the windows.
Satyr: How did they die from falling four stories?
Gweg: They landed into Old Man Roberts' alligator pond.
Satyr: Ouch.
Gweg: Anyway, your snakes are all dead. Animal control decided to kill them all. The police think they belonged to Old Man Roberts, so they won't be pinning the bill on you. The landlord is raising everyone's rent until some new residents move into the fourth floor.
Satyr: All of my snakes are dead?
Gweg: Yep. Looks like you won't be able to perform that social experiment after all.
Satyr: Damn. Watching all of those people in that theater run from the snakes was going to be funny as hell.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
The Passion of the Satyr
Jeremy: Hey, you're the new guy right?
Gweg: Yep, that's me.
It was Gweg's first day at his new job. He was hired on at one of the bigger companies in the town. He was on his lunch break and sharing the break room with one of his new co-workers.
Jeremy: You did a lot of freelance work right? Why come to work here in these boring offices? Not raking in enough?
Gweg: Nope. I just needed to get out of my apartment more. My roommate is annoying as hell.
Jeremy: Tell me about it. My roommate is annoying too. But I can't kick her out, Because I'm married to her.
Jerermy and Gweg shared a laugh.
Jeremy: What about you, Gweg? Got a special somebody in your life?
Gweg: Nope, I'm single.
Jeremy: Yeah, that's the way to go. Me and the wife have been at each other's throats because I want her to convert over to my new religion.
Gweg: Yeah, religion is always a touchy subject.
Jeremy: I don't know why she won't convert, I mean we get these cool bracelets and everything.
Jeremy held up his hand for Gweg to see. Around his hand was a red rubber band. Gweg made a polite comment about it, but couldn't help think about how stupid it was to wear a rubber band for a bracelet.
Then Gweg realized something. Most of the staff he had come across that day had been wearing rubber bands. In fact, his boss, Mr. Merkin, had been wearing a rubber band.
Jeremy continued on, talking about the rubber band.
Jeremy: Yep, the color of your bracelet signifies your stance in the church. Red means that I'm still virgin blood. I get to move up in color after I get somebody to convert.
Gweg had always rolled his eyes at these kooky religions he was always hearing about. But Gweg had decided he wanted to get along with everybody he worked for, so he pretended to be interested.
Gweg: What color comes next.
Jeremy: Pink. The Leader says that pink signifies the color of blood mixing in with the white of a bed sheet. When you get a pink bracelet, that mean you have popped your cherry, so to speak.
Gweg: So, this religion is pretty popular in this company. I mean I've seen several people wearing the, uh, bracelets.
Jeremy: Yeah. Mr. Merkin started doing the religion and we all followed suit. And if you want to get somewhere in this company, you'll do the same.
Jeremy gave Gweg a cautious look and left the break room.
Gweg didn't like what Jeremy had just said at all. In truth, his freelancing wasn't paying much at all. And the company was the best paying employer in town. And the only one that really catered to his skills.
He would have been hired on a couple of years earlier, but fate had intervened, and Gweg wasn't able to get the job.
Gweg certainly didn't want to convert to a religion to keep his job, but the the more he thought about it, the more he realized it wouldn't be so bad. If there was a hell, Gweg was definitely going there. Gweg was more certain about that than anything. Satyr had seen to that. The very fact that he was living with Satyr had already guaranteed him a one way ticket into hell.
Gweg realized he didn't even know what the religion was called. He left the break room and took out after Jeremy.
Gweg: Hey Jeremy, wait up!
Jeremy: Yeah?
Gweg: What's the religion called?
Jeremy: Satyrism.
Jeremy took off running. He ran straight to Mr. Merkin's office.
Jeremy: I don't think that new guy is going to work out.
Mr. Merkin: Gweg? Why not?
Jeremy: When I told him about Satyrism, well...
Mr. Merkin: Well what?
Jeremy: If looks could kill, I'd be at Mt. Olympus right now with 40 nymphs at my side.
Mr. Merkin: I'll call the leader. Oh, and tell Gweg he's fired.
20 minutes later, Gweg arrived home.
Gweg barged into the apartment. He made a bee line for Satyr, who was sitting on the couch.
Satyr: Gweg, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at work?
Gweg: Don't give me that innocent act. I just got fired and you know damn well why.
Satyr: How could I? I've been here all day?
Gweg: One word: Satyrism.
Satyr: Oh that! Yeah, your boss, well your former boss just called me and explained. He'll be getting a blue bracelet tomorrow.
Gweg: Don't get me started on those stupid bracelets. Why in the hell am I calling them bracelets, they are fucking rubber bands!
Satyr: How dare you! Rubber bands! They are performance enhancing power bracelets!
Gweg: They are rubber fucking bands!
Satyr: You are just attacking something you don't understand. The dogma of Satyrism is very clear on the use of the bracelets.
Gweg rolled his eyes.
Gweg: Satyrism. You know, I really wouldn't care about this, if it didn't get me fired from my job! I would sue the company for wrongful termination, but I think that I'll get a lot more satisfaction from kicking your ass!
Gweg lunged after Satyr. Another person came out of nowhere and tackled Gweg to the floor.
Satyr: Good job Urameshi.
Urameshi: Thank you Leader. Do I get the yellow bracelet now?
Satyr: I don't think so. I don't think my life was in too much danger there. But don't worry, Urameshi, I'm sure you'll get your chance. I'm probably going to be making a lot of enemies.
Gweg picked himself off the floor.
Gweg: One of your followers?
Satyr: Yes. Urameshi here is one of the first members of the International Church of Satyrism.
Urameshi: That's right. And as soon as I save the Leader's life, I get the yellow bracelet!
Gweg: It's a rubber band!
Satyr: Oh hush Gweg. Is everything ready for tomorrow's first mass, Urameshi?
Urameshi: Yes sir.
Satyr: Good. I want everything to go just right.
Gweg: It's not going to. Not if I have anything to do about it.
Satyr: And what exactly are you going to do? You have never been able to stop me. You couldn't stop me from making my play, couldn't stop me from operating on the mime, couldn't stop me from having sex with the Dyslexic Anorexic and the Anemic Bulimic.
Gweg: I never tried to stop you from doing any ofthat. I just stood by and let it happen. Wait a second, you had sex with those two freaks? We both ran out of the apartment.
Satyr: I went back. I wasn't going to let that Spanish Fly go to waste. Besides, I was really horny.
Gweg: You really are sick.
Satyr: I'm not sick. You just don't have the balls to stomach what I'm capable of.
Gweg: You know what? That's probably right. But this stupid church ends now.
Urameshi: Leader, it's almost 3:30.
Satyr: Well Gweg, I would love to stay and chat, but I've got to interview another perspective member.
Gweg: I'm not letting you leave.
Satyr: I don't need to. The interview will be here. What's the dude's name again?
Urameshi: His name is Gweg sir.
Satyr: Ah ok. Hello Gweg. Thank you for taking an interest in the Church of Satyrism. Have a seat.
Gweg: What the fuck are you talking about?
Satyr: Now, as you may already be aware of, to become an official member of the Church, you need to sign the contract.
Gweg: Contract? Only your church would make members sign a contract.
Satyr: It's written in the dogma.
Gweg: Just to satisfy my own morbid curiosity, can I see this contract.
Satyr: But of course, however, you must first sign this contract.
Satyr handed Gweg a piece of paper.
I, the undersigned, hereby state that I will not discuss the contents of The Official Contract of the International Church of Satyrism with anybody. If I, the undersigned, do breach this contract, I will be expect my life to be immediately terminated.
_______________
Sign Here
Gweg: Well, you don't have to worry about me talking about your stupid religion with anybody. I don't want to be getting stares. I get that enough.
Gweg signed the contract.
Satyr handed Gweg the other contract and Gweg scanned through it.
Gweg: It says here that when I die, I get to go to Mt. Olympus and have 40 nymphs living by my side.
Satyr: That's correct. That is if you don't breach the contract.
Gweg: And how exactly does that happen? From what I understand, and please correct me if I'm wrong, you are banished from Mt. Olympus by Pan himself?
Satyr: Urameshi, would you please excuse us for a minute?
Urameshi: As you wish.
Urameshi left the apartment.
Satyr: Alright, alright. This whole religion thing is bullshit.
Gweg: You don't say? Next thing you'll be telling me that the earth is round.
Satyr: Your sarcastic responses never fail to impress me Gweg.
Gweg: What, may I ask, is the point of your stupid religion?
Satyr: It's should seem pretty obvious to you if you had really read that contract.
Gweg: What do you mean.
Satyr grabbed the contract out of Gweg's hand.
Satyr pointed to a section of the contract.
Satyr: Here in Section IV. It reads, all newborns infants who were conceived under the Super Satyrism Sexcapade are to be given into the custody of the Leader, that's me.
Gweg: The Super Satyrism Sexcapade?
Satyr: Yes, according to our religious doctrine, all Satyrists get together once a month and have an orgy.
Gweg: Only you would write that into a religious doctrine.
Satyr: Yeah, me and Joseph Smith.
Gweg: Oh yeah. Wait, what exactly are you planning to do with the newborns.
Satyr: I am going to raise them.
Gweg let out a laugh.
Gweg: You raise a bunch of kids. No wonder you became religious, it's going to take a miracle for you to raise a bunch of kids.
Satyr: I won't be the only one raising them. They won't be raised up in a traditional way. They will be under the care of their biological parents until they are ready for school. Then they will be brought up under strict Satyrism rules, taught by myself and a several trusted others.
Gweg: And the purpose of all that is?
Satyr: They are going to be soldiers in my army of course.
Gweg rubbed his hand over the top of his head.
Gweg: And you are going to lead this army to take over the world?
Satyr: You are half right. My son is going to lead the army.
Gweg: Your son?
Satyr: That's right. One of our more prestigious members has agreed to be the mother of my child.
Gweg: Another miracle. I'm convinced, sign me up to your religion right now.
Satyr: Why don't you come to mass tomorrow? You'll see.
Gweg: See what?
Satyr: See what I'm doing.
Gweg: I already know what you are doing.
Satyr: Yeah, but you'll see it in action and it will make a lot more sense.
Gweg: Sure, I'll come. It's not like I have a job or anything.
They heard a sound at the door. Satyr opened it. Urameshi was standing there, his head held up to where the door had been.
Satyr: Were you listening to our conversation?
Urameshi: Yes.
Satyr: You have breached Article XIX of the Contract that clearly states no member of the Church shall ever eavesdrop on the Leader's private conversations.
Urameshi: I'm sorry Leader, give me another chance!
Satyr: Nope. You are hereby banned from the Church!
Urameshi: Noooooooo!
Urameshi ran out of the apartment, crying.
Gweg: Well that was something.
Satyr: He knew better. Oh well, I got to finish getting things set up for mass tomorrow. Better get to sleep early tonight, it starts at 7 am sharp tomorrow.
The next day.
Satyr: Ready to go Gweg?
Gweg was still asleep. He groggily woke up and looked at his clock.
Gweg: It's 5:30. You said this thing didn't start until 7.
Satyr: We need to get there early so we can get things set up. And we need to get some donuts too.
Gweg: Where the hell is this thing at?
Satyr: I rented out the old Fazoli's building.
Gweg: You are using an old Italian fast food place for your church.
Satyr: That's right. Got a good deal on it too.
Gweg: Yeah, I bet.
After getting the donuts, they arrived at the Fazoli's.
Satyr: Yep. The drive-thru. I'm going to convert that into a drive-up confessional. Confess your sins and get some Satyrism approved hamburgers.
Gweg: You know what really scares me? The fact that this fucked-up plan of yours is probably going to work.
Satyr: Of course it's going to work.
7 o'clock came and the mass went under way. Satyr did his preaching from behind the counter while all attending persons sat down at the tables. There were about 50 people.
It went pretty much the way Gweg expected it to be. Satyr talking and all of the idiots surrounding him soaked it up.
Almost three hours later, Satyr seemed to be starting his grand finale.
Satyr: And now for the moment you have all been waiting for Brothers and Sisters! The woman who has agreed to be the harbinger of the Messiah has arrived from England. And here she is, A Perfect Drug!
The people cheered.
A very attractive young woman came from the kitchen. She stood behind the counter and addressed the Church.
Perfect Drug: Tonight, the Leader and I will perform much love making and conceive the Messiah, who will lead the world into the glory of Satyrism!
Satyrists: Praise Satyr!
Satyr: That's right. Perfect Drug has proven her love to me and the religion. She will be the "Perfect" choice for the mother of our Messiah.
That little quip was enough for Gweg. He quietly stepped outside.
Perfect Drug: I'm so eager to conceive the Messiah, I'm willing to do it right here and now!
Satyr: Sounds like a good idea! Let us begin the Super Satyrism Sexcapade!
The moment Gweg had stepped outside, he bumped into somebody. It was Urameshi.
Gweg: Why are you here?
Urameshi: I'm not going to let that Satyr ban me from his church! Nobody bans me! I keep coming back better than ever!
Gweg: But you overheard us talking about the religion. You know it's all a sham.
Urameshi: It doesn't matter. It's the principle of the thing.
Gweg: Well, what are you planning to do?
Urameshi: I'm going to go in there and make Satyr take me back into the church.
Gweg overheard Satyr mention the Sexcapade.
Gweg: Well you better get in there now, or you'll miss all of the fun.
Urameshi stepped inside. Everybody stopped what they were doing and stared at him.
Satyr: What are you doing here? I banned you. Leave now before I make an example of you.
Urameshi: No, I don't think so.
Urameshi opened his coat up to reveal a bunch of dynamite strapped onto his chest.
Urameshi: If you don't let me back into this church, I will blow it straight to into a Larry the Cable Guy Stand Up Special!
The entire congregation gasped.
Satyr: How dare you threaten us with that! Get him guys.
A bunch of guys got up and went after Urameshi. But they were to late. Urameshi activated the bomb and blew up the Fazoli's.
Gweg had been thrown back twenty feet by the blast. He got up and went towards the rubble that used to be the Fazoli's.
Gweg saw some movement. He picked up some debris and got the person out.
It was Satyr.
Satyr: Well, that was another colossal failure. And I was just about to do it with that British chick.
Gweg: Well you're alive.
Satyr: Must be another miracle.
Gweg: No. I know what this is. It's just my bad luck. How did you survive anyway?
Satyr: A bunch of guys jumped on me to shield me from the blast.
They heard a moaning. They removed some more debris that was covering an older man.
Gweg: It's Mr. Merkin! He's not going to make it.
Mr. Merkin spoke a few minutes before he died.
Mr. Merkin: I helped save your life Leader. Do I get a yellow bracelet now?
Satyr: Dude, they are just rubber bands.
The End
Gweg: Yep, that's me.
It was Gweg's first day at his new job. He was hired on at one of the bigger companies in the town. He was on his lunch break and sharing the break room with one of his new co-workers.
Jeremy: You did a lot of freelance work right? Why come to work here in these boring offices? Not raking in enough?
Gweg: Nope. I just needed to get out of my apartment more. My roommate is annoying as hell.
Jeremy: Tell me about it. My roommate is annoying too. But I can't kick her out, Because I'm married to her.
Jerermy and Gweg shared a laugh.
Jeremy: What about you, Gweg? Got a special somebody in your life?
Gweg: Nope, I'm single.
Jeremy: Yeah, that's the way to go. Me and the wife have been at each other's throats because I want her to convert over to my new religion.
Gweg: Yeah, religion is always a touchy subject.
Jeremy: I don't know why she won't convert, I mean we get these cool bracelets and everything.
Jeremy held up his hand for Gweg to see. Around his hand was a red rubber band. Gweg made a polite comment about it, but couldn't help think about how stupid it was to wear a rubber band for a bracelet.
Then Gweg realized something. Most of the staff he had come across that day had been wearing rubber bands. In fact, his boss, Mr. Merkin, had been wearing a rubber band.
Jeremy continued on, talking about the rubber band.
Jeremy: Yep, the color of your bracelet signifies your stance in the church. Red means that I'm still virgin blood. I get to move up in color after I get somebody to convert.
Gweg had always rolled his eyes at these kooky religions he was always hearing about. But Gweg had decided he wanted to get along with everybody he worked for, so he pretended to be interested.
Gweg: What color comes next.
Jeremy: Pink. The Leader says that pink signifies the color of blood mixing in with the white of a bed sheet. When you get a pink bracelet, that mean you have popped your cherry, so to speak.
Gweg: So, this religion is pretty popular in this company. I mean I've seen several people wearing the, uh, bracelets.
Jeremy: Yeah. Mr. Merkin started doing the religion and we all followed suit. And if you want to get somewhere in this company, you'll do the same.
Jeremy gave Gweg a cautious look and left the break room.
Gweg didn't like what Jeremy had just said at all. In truth, his freelancing wasn't paying much at all. And the company was the best paying employer in town. And the only one that really catered to his skills.
He would have been hired on a couple of years earlier, but fate had intervened, and Gweg wasn't able to get the job.
Gweg certainly didn't want to convert to a religion to keep his job, but the the more he thought about it, the more he realized it wouldn't be so bad. If there was a hell, Gweg was definitely going there. Gweg was more certain about that than anything. Satyr had seen to that. The very fact that he was living with Satyr had already guaranteed him a one way ticket into hell.
Gweg realized he didn't even know what the religion was called. He left the break room and took out after Jeremy.
Gweg: Hey Jeremy, wait up!
Jeremy: Yeah?
Gweg: What's the religion called?
Jeremy: Satyrism.
Jeremy took off running. He ran straight to Mr. Merkin's office.
Jeremy: I don't think that new guy is going to work out.
Mr. Merkin: Gweg? Why not?
Jeremy: When I told him about Satyrism, well...
Mr. Merkin: Well what?
Jeremy: If looks could kill, I'd be at Mt. Olympus right now with 40 nymphs at my side.
Mr. Merkin: I'll call the leader. Oh, and tell Gweg he's fired.
20 minutes later, Gweg arrived home.
Gweg barged into the apartment. He made a bee line for Satyr, who was sitting on the couch.
Satyr: Gweg, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at work?
Gweg: Don't give me that innocent act. I just got fired and you know damn well why.
Satyr: How could I? I've been here all day?
Gweg: One word: Satyrism.
Satyr: Oh that! Yeah, your boss, well your former boss just called me and explained. He'll be getting a blue bracelet tomorrow.
Gweg: Don't get me started on those stupid bracelets. Why in the hell am I calling them bracelets, they are fucking rubber bands!
Satyr: How dare you! Rubber bands! They are performance enhancing power bracelets!
Gweg: They are rubber fucking bands!
Satyr: You are just attacking something you don't understand. The dogma of Satyrism is very clear on the use of the bracelets.
Gweg rolled his eyes.
Gweg: Satyrism. You know, I really wouldn't care about this, if it didn't get me fired from my job! I would sue the company for wrongful termination, but I think that I'll get a lot more satisfaction from kicking your ass!
Gweg lunged after Satyr. Another person came out of nowhere and tackled Gweg to the floor.
Satyr: Good job Urameshi.
Urameshi: Thank you Leader. Do I get the yellow bracelet now?
Satyr: I don't think so. I don't think my life was in too much danger there. But don't worry, Urameshi, I'm sure you'll get your chance. I'm probably going to be making a lot of enemies.
Gweg picked himself off the floor.
Gweg: One of your followers?
Satyr: Yes. Urameshi here is one of the first members of the International Church of Satyrism.
Urameshi: That's right. And as soon as I save the Leader's life, I get the yellow bracelet!
Gweg: It's a rubber band!
Satyr: Oh hush Gweg. Is everything ready for tomorrow's first mass, Urameshi?
Urameshi: Yes sir.
Satyr: Good. I want everything to go just right.
Gweg: It's not going to. Not if I have anything to do about it.
Satyr: And what exactly are you going to do? You have never been able to stop me. You couldn't stop me from making my play, couldn't stop me from operating on the mime, couldn't stop me from having sex with the Dyslexic Anorexic and the Anemic Bulimic.
Gweg: I never tried to stop you from doing any ofthat. I just stood by and let it happen. Wait a second, you had sex with those two freaks? We both ran out of the apartment.
Satyr: I went back. I wasn't going to let that Spanish Fly go to waste. Besides, I was really horny.
Gweg: You really are sick.
Satyr: I'm not sick. You just don't have the balls to stomach what I'm capable of.
Gweg: You know what? That's probably right. But this stupid church ends now.
Urameshi: Leader, it's almost 3:30.
Satyr: Well Gweg, I would love to stay and chat, but I've got to interview another perspective member.
Gweg: I'm not letting you leave.
Satyr: I don't need to. The interview will be here. What's the dude's name again?
Urameshi: His name is Gweg sir.
Satyr: Ah ok. Hello Gweg. Thank you for taking an interest in the Church of Satyrism. Have a seat.
Gweg: What the fuck are you talking about?
Satyr: Now, as you may already be aware of, to become an official member of the Church, you need to sign the contract.
Gweg: Contract? Only your church would make members sign a contract.
Satyr: It's written in the dogma.
Gweg: Just to satisfy my own morbid curiosity, can I see this contract.
Satyr: But of course, however, you must first sign this contract.
Satyr handed Gweg a piece of paper.
I, the undersigned, hereby state that I will not discuss the contents of The Official Contract of the International Church of Satyrism with anybody. If I, the undersigned, do breach this contract, I will be expect my life to be immediately terminated.
_______________
Sign Here
Gweg: Well, you don't have to worry about me talking about your stupid religion with anybody. I don't want to be getting stares. I get that enough.
Gweg signed the contract.
Satyr handed Gweg the other contract and Gweg scanned through it.
Gweg: It says here that when I die, I get to go to Mt. Olympus and have 40 nymphs living by my side.
Satyr: That's correct. That is if you don't breach the contract.
Gweg: And how exactly does that happen? From what I understand, and please correct me if I'm wrong, you are banished from Mt. Olympus by Pan himself?
Satyr: Urameshi, would you please excuse us for a minute?
Urameshi: As you wish.
Urameshi left the apartment.
Satyr: Alright, alright. This whole religion thing is bullshit.
Gweg: You don't say? Next thing you'll be telling me that the earth is round.
Satyr: Your sarcastic responses never fail to impress me Gweg.
Gweg: What, may I ask, is the point of your stupid religion?
Satyr: It's should seem pretty obvious to you if you had really read that contract.
Gweg: What do you mean.
Satyr grabbed the contract out of Gweg's hand.
Satyr pointed to a section of the contract.
Satyr: Here in Section IV. It reads, all newborns infants who were conceived under the Super Satyrism Sexcapade are to be given into the custody of the Leader, that's me.
Gweg: The Super Satyrism Sexcapade?
Satyr: Yes, according to our religious doctrine, all Satyrists get together once a month and have an orgy.
Gweg: Only you would write that into a religious doctrine.
Satyr: Yeah, me and Joseph Smith.
Gweg: Oh yeah. Wait, what exactly are you planning to do with the newborns.
Satyr: I am going to raise them.
Gweg let out a laugh.
Gweg: You raise a bunch of kids. No wonder you became religious, it's going to take a miracle for you to raise a bunch of kids.
Satyr: I won't be the only one raising them. They won't be raised up in a traditional way. They will be under the care of their biological parents until they are ready for school. Then they will be brought up under strict Satyrism rules, taught by myself and a several trusted others.
Gweg: And the purpose of all that is?
Satyr: They are going to be soldiers in my army of course.
Gweg rubbed his hand over the top of his head.
Gweg: And you are going to lead this army to take over the world?
Satyr: You are half right. My son is going to lead the army.
Gweg: Your son?
Satyr: That's right. One of our more prestigious members has agreed to be the mother of my child.
Gweg: Another miracle. I'm convinced, sign me up to your religion right now.
Satyr: Why don't you come to mass tomorrow? You'll see.
Gweg: See what?
Satyr: See what I'm doing.
Gweg: I already know what you are doing.
Satyr: Yeah, but you'll see it in action and it will make a lot more sense.
Gweg: Sure, I'll come. It's not like I have a job or anything.
They heard a sound at the door. Satyr opened it. Urameshi was standing there, his head held up to where the door had been.
Satyr: Were you listening to our conversation?
Urameshi: Yes.
Satyr: You have breached Article XIX of the Contract that clearly states no member of the Church shall ever eavesdrop on the Leader's private conversations.
Urameshi: I'm sorry Leader, give me another chance!
Satyr: Nope. You are hereby banned from the Church!
Urameshi: Noooooooo!
Urameshi ran out of the apartment, crying.
Gweg: Well that was something.
Satyr: He knew better. Oh well, I got to finish getting things set up for mass tomorrow. Better get to sleep early tonight, it starts at 7 am sharp tomorrow.
The next day.
Satyr: Ready to go Gweg?
Gweg was still asleep. He groggily woke up and looked at his clock.
Gweg: It's 5:30. You said this thing didn't start until 7.
Satyr: We need to get there early so we can get things set up. And we need to get some donuts too.
Gweg: Where the hell is this thing at?
Satyr: I rented out the old Fazoli's building.
Gweg: You are using an old Italian fast food place for your church.
Satyr: That's right. Got a good deal on it too.
Gweg: Yeah, I bet.
After getting the donuts, they arrived at the Fazoli's.
Satyr: Yep. The drive-thru. I'm going to convert that into a drive-up confessional. Confess your sins and get some Satyrism approved hamburgers.
Gweg: You know what really scares me? The fact that this fucked-up plan of yours is probably going to work.
Satyr: Of course it's going to work.
7 o'clock came and the mass went under way. Satyr did his preaching from behind the counter while all attending persons sat down at the tables. There were about 50 people.
It went pretty much the way Gweg expected it to be. Satyr talking and all of the idiots surrounding him soaked it up.
Almost three hours later, Satyr seemed to be starting his grand finale.
Satyr: And now for the moment you have all been waiting for Brothers and Sisters! The woman who has agreed to be the harbinger of the Messiah has arrived from England. And here she is, A Perfect Drug!
The people cheered.
A very attractive young woman came from the kitchen. She stood behind the counter and addressed the Church.
Perfect Drug: Tonight, the Leader and I will perform much love making and conceive the Messiah, who will lead the world into the glory of Satyrism!
Satyrists: Praise Satyr!
Satyr: That's right. Perfect Drug has proven her love to me and the religion. She will be the "Perfect" choice for the mother of our Messiah.
That little quip was enough for Gweg. He quietly stepped outside.
Perfect Drug: I'm so eager to conceive the Messiah, I'm willing to do it right here and now!
Satyr: Sounds like a good idea! Let us begin the Super Satyrism Sexcapade!
The moment Gweg had stepped outside, he bumped into somebody. It was Urameshi.
Gweg: Why are you here?
Urameshi: I'm not going to let that Satyr ban me from his church! Nobody bans me! I keep coming back better than ever!
Gweg: But you overheard us talking about the religion. You know it's all a sham.
Urameshi: It doesn't matter. It's the principle of the thing.
Gweg: Well, what are you planning to do?
Urameshi: I'm going to go in there and make Satyr take me back into the church.
Gweg overheard Satyr mention the Sexcapade.
Gweg: Well you better get in there now, or you'll miss all of the fun.
Urameshi stepped inside. Everybody stopped what they were doing and stared at him.
Satyr: What are you doing here? I banned you. Leave now before I make an example of you.
Urameshi: No, I don't think so.
Urameshi opened his coat up to reveal a bunch of dynamite strapped onto his chest.
Urameshi: If you don't let me back into this church, I will blow it straight to into a Larry the Cable Guy Stand Up Special!
The entire congregation gasped.
Satyr: How dare you threaten us with that! Get him guys.
A bunch of guys got up and went after Urameshi. But they were to late. Urameshi activated the bomb and blew up the Fazoli's.
Gweg had been thrown back twenty feet by the blast. He got up and went towards the rubble that used to be the Fazoli's.
Gweg saw some movement. He picked up some debris and got the person out.
It was Satyr.
Satyr: Well, that was another colossal failure. And I was just about to do it with that British chick.
Gweg: Well you're alive.
Satyr: Must be another miracle.
Gweg: No. I know what this is. It's just my bad luck. How did you survive anyway?
Satyr: A bunch of guys jumped on me to shield me from the blast.
They heard a moaning. They removed some more debris that was covering an older man.
Gweg: It's Mr. Merkin! He's not going to make it.
Mr. Merkin spoke a few minutes before he died.
Mr. Merkin: I helped save your life Leader. Do I get a yellow bracelet now?
Satyr: Dude, they are just rubber bands.
The End
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