We find out heroes desperate to find some information on their new enemy, The Agency. Primus has been sitting at the computer for four hours trying to find whatever he can.
Primus: I give up! I can't find a damn thing on them. It's like they don't even exist!
Pillz: Are you sure you are using that search engine right.
Primus: Yes. I've been doing advanced searches and I have used about every single Internet search engine available.
Pero: Did you use the Google?
Primus: Yes. That was the first one I used.
Primus was getting annoyed with their questions. All of his life, people always assumed he never knew what he was doing. He could only take so much of it.
Pillz: Maybe you just aren't looking in the right places.
Primus: That's it! If you think you can do better, by all means, sit down and search! And if you can find anything, I'll be the first to get on my knees and suck the mighty dick of Pillz!
Pillz: Hey! There is no need to get fired up! I'm just trying to help.
Primus: Well, I'm getting a little sick of the "Primus is incompetent" attitude you always have. I have done everything, and that includes even trying to use my powers to bring up something. I have found nothing.
Pillz: Ok, ok. I apologize. We just need to take a break from all of this.
Pero: You have powers Primus?
Primus just stared at him.
Pillz: Ok guys, listen up. The mayor needs us to help him with problem. Seems there is a gang of bank robbers out there.
Primus: Fantastic! We get to take a break from fighting The Agency by fighting bank robbers.
Pillz: As long as there is crime and injustice in the world, crime fighters never get to take vacations.
Primus: How long have you waited to use that in a conversation?
Pillz: A week. I thought it up when I was making plans for a vacation.
Pero: My cousin David has been on vacation for a long time. At least that's where my mother told me he went. He went on vacation right after he showed up at school dressed up as Don Quixote and went around spreading his feces on the wall.
Pillz: Well, we won't be taking that kind of vacation. At least not all of us.
Primus: What are you looking at me for?
Pillz: No reason. Ok, let's back on topic here: The bank robbers.
Primus: Let's just get out there and kick these guy's asses.
Pillz: They are girls.
Primus: What?
Pillz: 3 of them to be exact. Witnesses say that two of them are dressed up as cats and the other one is dressed up in what appears to be a dominatrix costume. The dominatrix appears to be the leader.
Primus: I might have a problem with this.
Pillz: Why?
Primus: Well, they are girls. I can't fight girls.
Pillz: When it comes to evil, there is no gender. And before you ask, I just came up with that.
Primus: I just don't know about this.
Pero: I'll tell you all this, if those hos want to step up to Pero's plate, I'll give them a bitch slapping they won't soon forget.
Pillz: That's the spirit Pero. See, he's got the right attitude.
Primus: Good for him. I'm still not going to be comfortable with this.
Pillz: That's fine. Let's go to the last bank they robbed and look at their security video.
As our heroes go to the bank, let's check out their latest enemies, who are shacked up in the duplex they are renting together.
Radioactive Dude: What in the Sam Hill are all these boxes doing out here.
Evil Gnome: Oh, those must be my new lawn gnomes. Sorry, I should have told you I was expecting a delivery.
Radioactive Dude: Don't worry 'bout it partner.
Evil Gnome: The new gnomes are custom made. I had them designed with machine guns and swords and all sorts of neat gimmicks.
Radioactive Dude: That's good thinking there Gnome. That's the kind of ingenuity that's going to get us ahead. Coming up with new ideas to improve our game.
Dealy Llama: Me and Mrs. have been working on doing just that. Want to see the video?
Radioactive Dude: I think I'll pass. Especially since you've had your missus transformed into a donkey most of the week.
Dealy Llama: We're just trying to reach out to all markets.
Dealy Llama honked his nose and the Mrs. turned into Brad Pitt.
Dealy Llama: See that? That is how we are going to fund this little operation.
Evil Gnome: Let me guess. You are going to film yourself having sex with the Mrs, while she looks like Brad Pitt, and then blackmail him for money not to release the tape.
Dealy Llama looked over at his Mrs and smiled brightly.
Dealy Llama: Blackmail him! That's an even better idea.
Radioactive Dude: Well, I'll leave you to take care of that. In the meantime, we are going to have some guests tonight.
Evil Gnome: Don't tell me The Agency is going to send somebody over.
Radioactive Dude: Not that I'm aware of. No, our gusts are going to be of the female bank robbing variety.
Evil Gnome: Those three women that have been robbing the banks? Why exactly are they coming here?
Radioactive Dude: Well, I happened to be in the area of their last bank robbery and I followed them. After I caught up with them, I introduced myself and offered them our support. They are coming over to discuss a possible alliance.
Evil Gnome: With no offense to the Mrs. over there, it has been my experience that women are not to be trusted.
Radioactive Dude: Then we best keep on our toes. Come on, let's tidy up and have this place looking purty for our new friends.
Meanwhile, our heroes are checking out the surveillance tape.
Primus: Well, you have to hand it to them, they sure are hot.
Pillz: Don't let their sexuality fool you. These women are dangerous. You saw what that one did with the whip.
Primus: I can't even make one simple little comment without you blowing it out of proportion.
Pillz: That's not what I'm doing. I know how your mind works. You have to realize that we are going to fight these women. The last thing this team needs is for you to back down from the fight because you are too busy fantasizing about them.
Primus: I'm still not excited about fighting women. Unlike your mother, mine taught me how to be a gentleman.
Pillz: You are right. Mine taught me that if I was ever in a fight with a woman, I should have paid up front. Let's not have this argument now. We need to study this tape.
Pero: Can I have a copy of it to study in my room tonight?
Pillz comptemplated on exactly what Pero meant by this. Innocent comment or not, it wouldn't hurt to give Pero a copy.
Pillz: Sure Pero. Primus take notes. The leader walks in and begins to sing. Her song seems to put all of the people in the bank in a trance. Except this man, who happens to be deaf. He runs toward the three women. At this point, the one cat dressed as a tiger, hell let's call her Julie Newmar for the time being, thrust her hands out in front of her revealing claws at the tips of each of her fingers. This scares the man and he takes off running in the other direction. The Michelle Pheifer catwoman than takes out her whip and manages to catch the man and ties him up with the whip. The two cats then get the cash while the leader stands guard. Ten minutes in and out. They are pros.
Pero: Maybe they are men dressed up in drag.
Primus: Why would you think that?
Pero: I saw that movie about Julie Newmar.
Pillz: Never mind Pero, these are women. This is going to be just like out first case, Primus. We are going to mark down all the banks they hit on a map and see if we can't find a pattern. If we do, we will stake out the next bank. But first, we need to profile their powers here and develop a defense strategy against them.
Primus: Fine. Let's get to it.
As the heroes were strategizing, the Fucktastic Four were getting ready for their guests.
Radioactive Dude: The Fucktastic Four?
Dealy Llama: Hell yeah! You know damn well we need a name. And that's a name ain't nobody going to forget.
Evil Gnome: It does have a certain ring to it.
Radioactive Dude: Well, if you three are pleased with it, then I reckon it's all right with me as well.
Dealy Llama: Fucktastic! So, when are these bitches supposed to get here?
Radioactive Dude: Should be any minute now. Remember to be ready for anything.
Moments later, there was a knock at the door.
Evil Gnome: I'll get it.
Gnome walked to the door and opened it. The three femme fatales walked in.
Evil Gnome: Hello ladies, let me introduce you to the people in the room. The cowboy over there you all already know is Radioactive Dude. The two couples over there are Dealy Llama and his Mrs. and I am known as Evil Gnome.
Evil Gnome took the hand of the nearest woman and kissed the back of her hand.
The Lady blushed.
The Lady: Well, let me introduce you to us. I am the Sadistic Siren, although you may all call me Saddy. The tigress over here is Purrrrrrr and the black cat here is MED.
The three ladies bowed to their hosts.
Dealy Llama: Well, let's get this fuckin party started!
MED: You certainly do have a mouth on you.
Dealy Llama: Bitch, that ain't the only thing I have on me that'll amaze you.
Saddy started at Llama.
Saddy: You need to watch yourself around us boy.
MED: Oh lighted up Saddy, he's kind of cute.
Radioactive Dude: You'll have to pardon him, mam. His mouth is faster than his mind.
Med: Along with other things I'm sure.
Llama wasn't sure how to take that comment.
Saddy: Anyway, what is the purpose of our little meeting?
Radioactive Dude: The reason that I asked you ladies to visit us is one out of self-preservation. For all of us. As you ladies are now high profiled criminals, it's only a matter of time before you have a run in with the Power Pack.
Purrrrrrr: What? Those 3 little boys? I'm sure we would have no problem dealing with them.
Evil Gnome: With all due respect miss, but we've fought them ourselves and they no how to fight. I'm more than certain that they are not something you can just brush off.
Saddy: That may be, but we have powers of our own that will handle the Power Pack's powers. My singing voice can stop any man. MED is excellent with the whip, and Purrrrrrr can move with the grace of a cat.
Dealy Llama: Those powers suck! "Ooohhh. Look at me, I can use a whip!" Wow, whoopdy-doo! And the reason that men stop when you sing is so they can spare their ears from the god awful sound that comes out of that cock chasm you call a throat. And you, "Miss cat like grace", I don't know how that's possible with hips that big. Hey Mrs, show 'em what a real woman can do.
Dealy Llama honked his nose twice. The Mrs. then turned into a tigress. The three ladies looked on in shock.
Dealy Lama: "Moving with the grace of a cat" don't sound like no hot shit now, doesn't it. I've said before and I'll say it again, the Mrs. is the best pussy around.
Saddy turned to Radioactive Dude.
Saddy: We didn't come here to be mocked by some juvenile clown and his freak wife.
Radioactive Dude: I apologize mam, but Llama doeas have a point. I don't reckon your powers would do much good against the Power Pack.
Saddy: Oh, you don't huh? Well, we'll see about that. If the Power Pack wants to try and stop us, I say let them come. And you'll see how women achieve where men have failed.
And with that, the 3 women left the room.
Evil Gnome: That went well, didn't it.
Radioactive Dude: It went exactly as I hoped it would. Good work, Llama.
Dealy Llama: As always.
Evil Gnome: ok. Mind explaining to me what the hell just went down.
Radioactive Dude: I apologize for keeping you in the dark, but I had to make sure your reactions to Llama's outbursts were genuine. It helped create the illusion that we were being sincere with our hope to team up with them.
Evil Gnome? We weren't being sincere?
Radioactive Dude: No. I want to see how they match up against the Power Pack. But I need them to be prepared. I want them to go at the Power Pack with all they got.
Evil Gnome: You're very serious about studying the Power Pack before we go up against them again, huh.
Radioactive Dude: You're darn right. "Know thy enemy." I take those words to heart.
Dealy Llama: The Mrs. has turned into a bird and is following the girls as we speak.
Radioactive Dude: Good. She'll come back to us when the girls have planned out their next bank heist. And we'll be there to watch and hopefully, the Power Pack will come by and put up a show.
Dealy Llama: I'll bring the popcorn.
Meanwhile...
Purrrrrrr: I have never been so humiliated in my life!
Saddy: Let it go.
MED: Yeah, besides, who are they? I've never knew about them until today. We already have 3 bank robberies under our belt and what do they have? Nothing.
Purrrrrrr: Good point.
Saddy: And it is a good point. They probably wanted to team up with us just so we could do they heavy work and they could pick up on the rewards. Fucking men.
MED: But what was up with that crazy midget bitch?
Saddy: Who knows? Bunch of freaks. Let's get back to the lair and make plans for the next heist.
The three ladies hopped into their car and drove off. The didn't speak to each other on the drive back, as they were each going over the event that had just took place in their minds. None of them liked to be embarrassed by men and each secretly decided to take their frustrations out on the Power Pack if the Pack decided to try to stop them.
One of them did speak however.
Purrrrrrr: My hips aren't that big.
As they drove on, none of them noticed the bird doing it's best to keep up with them.
The next day...
Pillz: No! No! No!
Primus: What am I doing wrong?
Pillz: Everything!
Pillz, Primus, and Pero were now working out in an Rent-A-Gym they referred to as the Practice Pad.
Pillz: What did I tell you? Since you refuse to fight these girls, I need you on defense. And so far, you have not some up with one good defense against this whip I've been cracking at you for the last half hour.
Primus: Maybe you aren't using it right.
Pillz: I know how to use a whip.
Pero: My mother once had a whip. She used it to punish daddy the way he liked. She also used it to punish other men too. Dad was usually at work late when the other men got punished. Mom never used it to punish me though. She had a paddle for that. I remember one time she spanked me for playing with matches. I found them in my dad's desk drawer and decided to light my GI Joes on fire. Snake Eyes was my favorite Joe so I never lit him on fire. When I was 8, I decided not to talk to anybody so I could be more like Snake Eyes. My mom didn't know why I wouldn't talk, because I couldn't tell her, so she took me to see a doctor. He tried to get me to talk but I wouldn't. He said, "Come on kid, I'm desperate." I was young and wasn't paying too much attention to him so I thought he said that he was Destro. That's when I kicked him in the face and ran out of the room. That night the doctor came by to see how I was doing. I decided to talk to him and told him I didn't like Cobra in my house. He laughed and said he wasn't Cobra. He then talked to my mom. He must have been a bad guy anyway cause later that night mom was punishing him with the whip.
Pillz: So, Pero, since you seem to be an expert on the subject; am I using the whip right?
Pero: I don't know. The whip she used had like nine different ends on them.
Pillz: Ok then, never mind.
Primus: Maybe my power only works when I know that there is a real danger to me.
Pillz: Well, there is going to be a real danger, because I'm going to start whipping you for real.
Primus: I don't know what your problem is. When it comes time for us to stop those women, I'll be ready.
Pillz: That's my main concern. I don't think you will.
Primus: Why don't you trust me.
Pillz: It's not that I don't trust you, it's just the fact that I'm not 100% convinced of your ability to come through when we need you the most.
Primus: I have proven myself time and time again.
Pillz: But your reluctance to fight these women is concerning. I need to make sure you are giving your all to stopping our enemies.
Pero: Hey guys, will you stop acting like my parents for one second and look on the TV.
Pero pointed to the little TV they had set up in a corner. On the TV was live coverage of a bank robbery.
Pillz: Great timing.
Pillz turned to Primus.
Pillz: Moment of truth. Are you going to back us up?
Primus: Yes.
Pillz: Good. Let's go.
At the Bank...
MED: Saddy, what are we waiting for? We got the money, let's split.
Saddy: No. We are waiting for the Power Pack to arrive.
Purrrrrrr: Good. It's time to prove ourselves once and for all.
Saddy: Don't forget how we decided to do this. I subdue them and then you two have your way with them.
MED: I always like your plans.
The Power Pack arrived.
Pillz: Ok ladies, your fun time is over. Come out with your hands up and surrender peacefully.
Saddy: I'm coming out with my hands up.
Saddy walked out, hands in the air. She began to sing.
Pillz was too fast for her. A green light shout out of his ring and formed a rope. Which then wrapped itself around Saddy's head, covering her mouth.
Saddy struggled to remove it, but could not manage to get it off.
MED and Purrrrrr moved outside to attack.
MED went after Pero with the whip.
MED: You've been a bad boy. It's time for your punishment.
MED cracked her whip at Pero.
Pero's mind flashed back to all the men who let out those moans of pain when his mother punished them. Pero began to shake.
MED: Awww. The little boy is shaking in his shoes.
Pero hulked out.
PeroHulk: You no hurt Pero. Pero no like whip!
Pero chased after MED, who took off running.
Purrrrrrr had decided to confront Primus.
Purrrrrrr: Good. I get to take on the cute one.
Primus: You think I'm cute?
Purrrrrrr: You bet. So, is that your superpower in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Primus looked away, his cheeks were flushed.
Purrrrrrr: What's the matter? Never been this close to a woman before?
Primus: I've been close to plenty. My sister and I used to share the same bed.
Purrrrrrr just laughed at this.
Purrrrrrr: And they said this was going to be tough.
Primus: Who's they?
Purrrrrrr: We met these guys over at this Duplex on 23rd....
Purrrrrrr stopped when she saw PeroHulk chasing after MED.
Purrrrrrr: Hold that thought cutie, I'll be right back.
Purrrrrrr ran over and lept on PeroHulk's back. She began clawing at him. PeroHulk tried to grab at her, but he couldn't reach her. MED began to whip him from the front.
Pillz saw this happening.
Pillz: Primus, help Pero out!
Primus: You help him out!
Pillz: I can't. I need to keep this one's mouth shut.
Primus: I don't know what to do!
Pillz: Damn it!
Pillz let go of Saddy and aimed his ring at Purrrrrrr. He managed to get her off of PeroHulk's back, but then Saddy began to sing.
Pillzs and Pero were frozen in their spots. Primus was not affected.
Primus: My power is drowning out her singing. I can't hear it.
MED: sothis one is immune huh. Saddy, you keep on singing your song. We'll deal with this one.
MED cracked her whip at him. Primus caught it with his hands and pulled it away from her.
MED: Ho did you? No one can? What the hell?
Purrrrrrr: I knew there was something special about this cutie. I'll handle him.
Purrrrrrr ran ar Primus at full speed. Primus' hand flew out, shooting the whip out at full speed. The whip found it's way around Purrrrrrr's legs and brought her to the ground.
Purrrrrrr: That's impossible! No one can catch me like that.
Primus: it's easy when you have hips that big.
Purrrrrrr began to cry.
Saddy stopped singing.
Pillz immediatly captured her with his power ring. PeroHulk picked up both MED and Purrrrrr.
A few minutes later, the police arived to take the women into custody.
Primus: See, I told you I would come through. I saved both of your guy's bacon.
Pillz stared quietly at Primus.
Primus: What?
Pillz: I am dissapointed in you.
Primus was hurt to hear this.
Primus: What do you mean. I stopped them, didn't I? I saved both of you from her singing.
Pillz: That never should have happened. If you had helped PeroHulk like I told you to, she never would have had the opportunity to sing in the first place.
Primus: You are never pleased are you? You always have to bring out the negative in a situation.
Pillz: No. I always bring up what went wrong in the situation.
Primus: No. You're right. I'm sorry Pillz, you have my word that this will never happen again.
Pillz: I would hope so. But I honestly have to tell you, I have my doubts.
Primus: This is one promise I'll keep.
An Hour Later...
Radioactive Dude: Well, I'll hang my hat up and say that that was a complete success.
Dealy Llama: That was the most fucking boring 10 minutes of my life.
Evil Gnome: I thought it was very educational myself.
Radioactive Dude: And it was. Dissension among the ranks. That will be the Power Pack's downfall.
Voice At The Door: You have no idea.
The four villains turned to see who had spoken. They were shocked to see who it was.
Radioactive Dude: Well, I'll be. What brings you to these parts?
Primus: I want to join up with you guys.
TO BE CONTINUED
Monday, August 20, 2007
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
One Month
DAY 29
Satyr: And I have no doubt you are going to blame me for this. After all, that is your favorite past time.
Gweg: Actually, I am kind of to blame for this too.
Satyr: What? Really?
Gweg: Yes, but I'd rather not talk about it.
Satyr and Gweg had now backed themselves into a corner. They were standing at the very end of the basketball court. A wall to a building was behind them, another wall to the left of them, and a giant fence to the right of them.
The 20 or so figures were blocking their only exit.
Gweg: How long until sunrise? A little daylight could help us out here.
Satyr: It's only 11PM so we got seven more hours, but trust me, daylight don't do shit.
Gweg: What? I thought...
Satyr: Trust me. Besides. I think we might be safe until help arrives. After all, they are just standing there, staring into space. They might do that until morning. Hell, there is a good chance that we could climb that fence and they wouldn't know it.
Gweg heard one of them make a noise.
Gweg: What was that? What did he do?
Satyr: It's ok. That's just the noises they make.
Gweg: It kind of creeps me out.
Satyr: It's ok. Let's just move over to the fence.
Gweg and Satyr slowly made their way over to the fence. The figures did not move, as Satyr predicted.
Satyr and Gweg latched onto the fence and began to climb.
Satyr: I just hope this plan works, because all of my other plans this month have failed miserably.
Gweg: I don't see how that is surprising.
Satyr: My plans were fool proof. I still don't know how that first one got me jail.
DAY 3
Officer Larson: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do will be held against you. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you.
Satyr: What is this shit? What did I do?
Officer Larson handcuffed Satyr and put him in the back of the squad car. 20 minutes alter, they arrived at the police station. Satyr was led to the interrogation room, where a detective was waiting for him.
Detective Watterson: You sick fuck.
Satyr: What is this all about?
Det. Watterson: I don't even want to get into the details. I felt sick enough after seeing the pics. Here, why don't you look at them?
Watterson threw five pics on the table. Satyr looked them over, wide eyed.
Satyr: Where did you get these?
Det. Watterson: That doesn't matter. Fact is: we got them. You are going away for a long time for this, punk.
Satyr: I'm not guilty.
Watterson simply pointed at the photos. Satyr shook his head.
Satyr: I have the right to a speedy trial. I'll be back on the streets within a week.
Det. Watterson: With this evidence, I can get you a trial tomorrow. You'll be in jail for the rest of your life. Unless you got a very good lawyer, which sick twisted fucks like you usually have.
Satyr: I do have a good lawyer, he's the best.
Det. Watterson: Who's that?
Satyr: I represent myself.
Det. Watterson: A fool for a client.
Satyr: You watch, nothing bad will happen from me representing myself.
DAY 11
Gweg was sitting a home, still coming to grips with what Satyr had just pulled. Gweg couldn't believe Satyr would go that far to get himself out of prison. He thought that even Satyr would have knew better than to go that route.
Just as Gweg was getting ready to get on the computer to make sure Satyr didn't completely fuck himself, there was a knock on the door.
Gweg looked towards the sky and shook his head.
Gweg: You better have a fucking mansion waiting for me up there.
Gweg opened the door. He saw a dark haired, skinny, light skinned older teenager standing before him.
The Teen: Is Satyr here?
Gweg: Let me guess, you are on of his friends from the Internet.
The teen gave Gweg a weird sort of smile.
The Teen: Yeah, let's go with that. Is he here?
Gweg: No, he's out.
The Teen: I'll just wait for him here.
The teen moved past Gweg and plopped himself down on the couch.
The Teen: Got anything to drink? I know you won't have what I'm really thirsty for, but anything cold would be fine.
Gweg couldn't believe the audacity of Satyr's friend. But Gweg was tired of all these confrontations and brought the kid a Dr. Pepper.
Gweg: I didn't catch your name.
The Teen: Call me Sekiath.
Gweg: Sekiath. Can I get you anything else? Make you a sandwich, rub your back, throw you out the window?
Sekiath chuckled and pointed at Gweg
Sekiath: Yeah, I was warned about you. No, I appreciate the drink, thank you. Satyr go out often?
Gweg: Yeah, he does. He stays in one place for too long, it starts to deteriorate.
Sekiath shook his head and took a drink.
Gweg: I don't know when he'll be back, so it'd be best if you went home and I'll let him know you came by.
Sekiath shrugged.
Sekiath: Nah, I've got nothing better to do. I can wait.
The phone rang. Gweg answered it.
Gweg: Hello. Figures. Yeah, I never do. Listen, one of your friends is here. Sekiath. Ok, I'll let him know.
Gweg hung the phone up and spoke to Sekiath.
Gweg: That was Satyr, it looks like he's going to be out all night.
Sekiath took a drink.
Sekiath: That's fine. I can crash here for the night.
Gweg: I would be more comfortable if you didn't.
Sekiath: It'll be fine Gweg. I'll sleep here on the couch. It's not like I'll come into your room or bite you or anything.
Sekiath gave out a chuckle. And he could see the worried look on Gweg's face.
Sekiath: Hey man, Satyr would be down with me sleeping here, and it is half of his apartment, right?
Gweg: Fine. Just don't make too much noise, a mess, and don't empty the fridge.
Sekiath: It'll be like I'm not even here.
Gweg: I wish it were.
DAY 5
Guard: You are in this cell right here.
The guard threw Satyr into the jail cell.
Satyr: Come on! That was not a fair trial at all! I don't belong here!
Guard: Save it for someone who cares.
Satyr: Fucking, goddamn, piece of cocksucking, motherfucking, worm licking , jew nailing, shit fingering, asshole looting, sons of bitches!
Satyr held onto the bars, steaming, giving the evil eye at the guard. He then heard a voice behind him.
Cellmate: Could you keep it down?
Satyr spun around and saw a huge muscular black man laying on a bunk and reading a book.
Satyr: Well, this figures. This just fucking figures. I get locked in with Bubba. Listen, if you are going to ass rape, do us both a favor and lube it up.
Bubba: My name is not Bubba. It's Maurice. And I'm not going to ass rape you.
Satyr: Well, thank Pan for small favors. But that trial I just had was not in the least bit fair. A jury of my peers. Jury of incompetent idiots is more like it.
Maurice: What happened?
Satyr: Listen to this.
Day 4
Prosecutor: And Detective Watterson, do you know who took these pictures?
Det. Watterson: No they were sent to us from an anonymous person. We have not been able to track this person down.
Prosecutor: And is there any evidence that these photos were doctored in any way?
Det. Watterson: No. We had the photos analyzed and they came back clean. These photos are originals.
Prosecutor: And who is the person in the photos?
Det. Watterson: The defendant.
Prosecutor: Thank you Detective, that will be all.
Judge: Mr. Satyr, you may now question the witness.
Satyr: Thanks, Judge. Ok, "Detective".
Det. Watterson: You don't need to be sarcastic when you say that.
Satyr: Oh, I'm sorry, have I asked you a question yet. Did I give you permission to speak?
Judge: The Detective will wait for a question and the defendant will not speak to him in a sarcastic manner.
Satyr flashed the detective a shit-eating grin.
Satyr: You know something, Detective, I look at these photos and can't help but think, "Hmm. I can't see that persons face to well." How about you?
Det. Watterson: I can see the face just fine.
Satyr: Can you? But how do you know it's not a mask?
Prosecutor: Objection your Honor.
Judge: Overruled.
Satyr: Thank you. Well, how do you know?
Det. Watterson: We blew up the photos and it's quite obvious it's you. And It's quite obvious from the different facial expressions in the photos that it is not a mask.
Satyr: That may be. But how are we sure that it isn't a shape-shifter pretending to be me?
Prosecutor: Objection! That's just ridiculous.
Judge: I agree.
Satyr: Fine. Tell me Watts, are you 100% sure that that is me in the picture?
Det. Watterson: Yes.
Satyr became irate.
Satyr: Permission to treat this witness as hostile?
Judge: If you feel that that is absolutely necessary.
Satyr: Oh, I do. Tell me this, Detective! Do you know where liars go when they die?
Prosecutor: Objection!
Judge: Mr. Satyr, that is enough.
Satyr: I withdraw the question and I have no further questions for this so called witness.
Judge: You may step down Detective. Does the State have any more witnesses to call?
Prosecutor: No, the Prosecution rests.
Judge: Mr. Satyr: You may call your first witness.
Satyr: I have no one to call your honor. My defence will be in my closing argument.
Judge: Have it your way. We will take a 30 minute recess and come back and have closing arguments.
Half an hour later.
Prosecutor: We have the pictures. It is clearly the defendant doing this nasty deed. We have no reason to believe other wise.
Satyr got up to deliver his arguments to the jury.
Satyr: What do these pics tell us? Nothing? There is an endless amount of possibilities for those photos looking like they are. But that is not me. I would never do anything like that. Look at me. Is this not a trustworthy face?
Judge: The jury will now begin their deliberations.
10 minutes later.
Foreman: We the jury, in a unanimous decision, find the defendant guilty on all charges.
Satyr: Oh that is such bullshit.
Judge: Thank you Jury. The Bailiff will put Mr. Satyr into custody and we will have sentencing tomorrow.
DAY 6
Satyr: I just don't know if I should.
Maurice: Well, if it works.
Satyr: Yeah, but this guy comes with a price.
Maurice: You said you were loaded.
Satyr: I am. I got money up the yin-yang, but this guy isn't about money.
Maurice: Oh, that type. There are plenty of guys here who can help you ready yourself for that kind of sacrifice.
Satyr: No, not that either. This guy has certain rules about how things are done. But I don't know what. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. What do you suggest?
Maurice: If I knew how to get in contact with this guy, I would do it.
Satyr: Yeah, I should. Gweg won't be happy if I do. But oh well, I deal with him when the time comes.
DAY 10
Gweg: You hired who?!?!
Gweg became irate when Satyr told him who it was who got him out of jail.
Gweg: What were you thinking? You know better than that. What is he going to do?
Satyr: He's not going to do anything, I have to do it.
Gweg: Do what? What is it? You better get out of this mess clean.
Satyr: Come on Gweg, haven't I always cleaned up my own messes?
Gweg: No. No you haven't. And this. With him! Oh lord, this will not turn out pretty.
Satyr: Lighten up. Did I get any mail while I was out?
Gweg: Yeah you got one letter. It came today. It's there on the table.
Satyr picked it up and opened it. He read it out loud.
Satyr: "Dear fucking asshole. We want to speak with you about our son. Meet us at our house. Tell whomever you want so you won't be scared. We just want to talk to you. Our address is on the envelope."
Gweg: The hole just keeps getting deeper.
Satyr: That's enough out of you. I wonder what they want.
Day 11
Satyr knocked on the door of the house. The father answered the door.
The Father: Come in.
Satyr entered the living room. The mother was sitting in a chair, looking at Satyr with grim intent.
The father motioned towards the couch.
The Father: Have a seat.
The Mother: You piece of shit.
Satyr: Nice to meet you.
The Father: The reason we have asked you to come here, is that we were disappointed with the new verdict you somehow received.
Satyr: You should be glad to know the system works.
The Father: Shut up. We wanted to talk to you face to face. We want you to know that we will dedicate our lives to making sure yours is a personal hell.
Satyr: Yeah. That sounds good and all, but I don't buy it for one second.
The Mother: What do you mean you piece of shit?
Satyr: Feel free to call me any other expletive, I don't mind. But, I don't believe you have what it takes to make my life hell for the rest of yours.
The Father: I'm a telemarketer.
Satyr nearly jumped out of his seat.
Satyr: Listen, maybe we can work something out.
The Mother. No fucker, there is nothing to work out. What you did is unforgivable.
Satyr: It's not like the kid saw anything.
The Father: Now, let's give him a chance, he might be able to provide us with something. But I won't let you leave until we are satisfied.
Satyr: That's fine. Just let me call my roommate.
The Father: That's fine. Here's the phone.
Satyr: Yeah, Gweg, it's me. Don't expect me home tonight. That's funny. Oh yeah, who? Oh..him. Ok, let him know I'll talk with him tomorrow.
Satyr handed the phone back to the father.
Satyr: Now, to help you guys out. What if I were to..cure your kids blindness.
The Father: What?
Satyr: Yeah. Get this. I know people. People that could help with that problem. You let me get in touch with them, and I'll have your kid seeing what ugly parents he has by the end of this month.
The Mother: You are a rotten son of a bitch.
Satyr: Just calling it like I see it.
Satyr turned to the father.
Satyr: I can see why you married her. She's so full of rich conversation.
The Father: Don't get smart. You have six days to do as you promised. Or we shall do as we promised.
Satyr: Fine.
The Mother: I was so glad to hear you got put in the prison infirmary. I'd like to shake the hand of the man who did it.
Satyr laughed. No you wouldn't. It was my lawyer.
Satyr laughed again at the woman's shocked face and left the house.
DAY 8
Satyr was laying down on the infirmary bed. Gweg was standing next to him.
Gweg: You got beat up by your lawyer?
Satyr: Don't worry about that now. We patched things up I need to talk to you.
Gweg: That's why I'm here. It sure as hell isn't to make sure you are doing ok.
Satyr: You are not a good friend at all.
Gweg: Never once did I claim to be.
Satyr: Asshole. Anyway, I noticed in the paper you already have an ad out looking for a new roommate.
Gweg: I have that ad in there everyday.
Satyr: Don't even think about it. I have a new today and I'll be out of here tomorrow. And that apartment better be they way it was when I got here.
Gweg: Well, I won't make any promises.
Satyr: Fine. Just leave me be. I need to be fresh for my new trial.
DAY 13
Satyr: You know what, I'm glad you are here.
Sekiath: That's not something I'm used to hearing.
Satyr: I don't doubt that. Listen. This problem you have and the problem I have can be dealt with simultaneously.
Sekiath: How do you figure?
Satyr: I take you to the blind kid. You do your thing. And that might be able to cure him of his blindness. And if it works, you can work on all the blind kids of the world.
Sekiath: Perhaps. I don't know how accurate that could be. I know you've probably read books, but most of them are wrong about the subject.
Satyr: Well, that's a risk I have to take. I can't deal with kid in an orthodox way.
Sekiath: When should we do it?
Satyr: Tonight. And we have to do it exactly as planned. I mean this kid got me in jail once already. And I don't want to deal with him or a lawyer again.
Sekiath: I don't think you could if you wanted to. The rules are particular.
Satyr: I know that all too well.
DAY 7
Satyr: I've decided to do it, Maurice. I'm going to get that lawyer.
Maurice: Good. I'm glad you are going to take this opportunity.
Satyr: Yeah. Now, just to get into contact with him. Let's see what the paper says.
Satyr unscrolled a paper and read over it.
Satyr: Hmm. Maurice, are you a Muslim?
Maurice: Yes. Yes I am.
Satyr: Perfect.
Satyr reached under him mattress and pulled out a shiv. He then stabbed Maurice in the neck with it.
Satyr: Sorry Maurice. But it was your idea.
Satyr then drew a pentagram like symbol onto the floor with Maurice's blood.
Smoke began to rise from the drawing.
In the smoke, the form of a man appeared. A voice boomed out.
Voice: BEHOLD! YOU HAVE CALLED FORTH THE LORD OF THE 19TH NETHERWORLD! YOU HAVE CALLED FORTH THE DARK LORD ZEXOTELLIAN!
Satyr: 19th? What the hell happened to the 7th?
Zexotellian: YOU!
Zexotellian ran towards Satyr and began to pummel him.
Satyr spoke between the punches.
Satyr: You can't kill me, it's against your rules.
Zexotellian: There is nothing in the rule book about me kicking your ass.
Zexotellian beat the shit out of Satyr. Zexotellian got up and smoothed out his suit.
Zexotellian: Well, that felt damn good. Your little trick got the last time got me knocked down all the way to the 19th fucking Netherworld. There I was, one of the best Dark Lords the Nether Judges have ever seen and being spoken to like I was some Nether Bitch. All because of you. And now you have the gall to call me up asking for a favor? Word must travel around fast. "Hey Satyr, did you hear Zexotellian was nothing more than a broken house pet. Yeah, wave a paper at him, he'll tuck his tail under him and cover his nose." I got news for you, you anthropomorphic dick wad, I am not some Dark Lord you got on a leash. Whatever favor you want, I guarantee you will pay for for. Because if you don't pay, you'll die. So personally, I am kind of hoping you don't come through.
Satyr: How do you know you'll come through?
Zexotellian: How? What is that? Are you being serious? No wait, I know, you want to a second serving of the ass kicking I just delivered. Good news satyr, ass kicking is not only on the menu, it's on the all you can eat buffet!
Satyr: Are you sure you are not the Dark Lord of the Nether Lame? I need you to get me a new trial and get me out of jail.
Zexotellian: You honestly believe that is a challenge? Please. You saw Michael Jackson's trial? Yeah, I didn't even brake a sweat. You are talking to the Dark Lord Zexotellian here. As soon as I'm done getting you out of here, I've got one hell of a task for you.
Satyr: What is it?
Zexotellian: I'll let you know after you get released.
DAYS 15 & 16
Satyr and Sekiath were at the parents house.
The Father: What you two did to our son was an unholy sin and I will make you hell demons burn.
Satyr: Just because I look the part doesn't mean I'm from hell.
Sekiath: Yeah. That is a bit biased.
The Mother: My son!!! MY SON!!!
Satyr: Will you calm that bitch down?
The father punched Satyr.
Sekiath: Sir, there is no need for violence here.
The Father: I had to kill my own son. When I saw what you did to him...I can't speak of such evil.
Satyr: At least we cured his blindness.
The Father: No you did not. He still was blind!
The Mother: AWWWWW MY SON!!!
Satyr: You know, Scrabble will help build your vocabulary.
The Father: She is upset. She saw what you did to our son, not to mention what our son was doing to our cat.
Sekiath: I don't understand how he remained blind. It should have been fixed.
The Father: That's what happens when evil is involved. God help me, I will destroy you both.
Satyr: You'll have to cacth us first.
Satyr and Sekiath took off running.
The Father screamed out after them.
The Father: God is on my side! We will hunt you down and you will burn!
Later that night.
Sekiath: Well, it's more your problem than it is mine.
Satyr: You are the reason this happened. I did it to help you out.
Sekiath: Yeah, but I'm not exactly accountable for anything you do.
Satyr: Just help me take care of this. I can have it handled tomorrow.
Sekiath: What do you have in mind?
Satyr: We call the cops.
The next day.
The Father was sitting in the police station's interrogation room.
Det. Watterson: Where is your son?
The Father: I told you, the satyr took him.
Det. Watterson: I would be more than happy to believe that. But we checked him out. He has an airtight alibi and there is no evidence anywhere that he kidnapped your child.
The Father: Fine. I'll tell you what really happened.
The father then told Det. Watterson the story.
Det. Watterson: You expect me to believe all that.
The Father: Yes, because it's true!
Det. Watterson: Well, I can't. This world just keeps getting sicker. Blind kids not safe in public or in their own homes. Get this creep out of my face. No wonder your wife committed suicide this morning.
The Father: I didn't do anything!
One of the cops took the father to a jail cell.
Det. Watterson: Fucked up world.
DAY 9
Foreman: We the jury find the Defendant, "Not Guilty".
Judge: Thank you jury, you are free to go, as is the defendant.
Satyr shook Zexotellian's hand.
Satyr: Thank you Zex.
Zexotellian: Oh, don't be thanking yet. Now we will discuss the matter of your payment.
Satyr: If you are going to ass rape me, please use some lube.
Zexotellian: I am not going to ass rape you. I need you to help out my son.
Satyr: You have a son?
Zexotellian: Why are you surprised? I'm Zexotellian. One of the top Dark Lords of the Netherworlds. I have to fight the ladies off with a stick. Except for one lucky one who caught my eye and is now proud to be my wife.
Satyr: Yeah, listen: I don't want to have to deal with your hellspawn ok? I can help you in another way.
Zexotellian: Oh? My curiosity is dying to feed on this.
Satyr: Gweg told me all about your goth problem. What you need is a complete image makeover. I mean, come on, you look like a reject from a Panic! At The Disco music video. What we want to do is get rid of that, give you the sexy rugged look, and promote the hell out of you. GQ articles titled "The Joy Of Zex". Ads for kids that sound like the old Nickelodeon jingle. Ah Zex Zex Zex, Zex Zex Zex, ZEXOTELLIAN, Yeah!
Zexotellian did nothing but stare at Satyr.
Satyr: I can see my brilliance has stunned you.
Zexotellian: No. I was doing my best not to kill you. Look, I'm Zexotellian, I don't need an image makeover. But, I do need to protect my image. And my son is spending time here on this realm and I need you to make sure he doesn't cause too much trouble with his problem.
Satyr: You want me to babysit your kid?
Zexotellian: No. I want you to come up with a reasonable solution to his problem. And you have 'till the end of the month to do it, or else I kill you.
Satyr: The end of the month? That's bullshit.
Zexotellian: Read the rules. I can set the deadline. The end of the month. My son will come to your apartment. His name is Sekiath.
DAY 25
Zexotellian and Gweg were standing in the apartment. Zex shook Gweg's hand.
Zexotellian: Good work Gweg. The website is a hot and the article is a success.
Gweg: Some of my best writing ever.
Zexotellian: I'll say. Well, congrats. And, you are off the hook. You don't have to worry about facing my revenge.
Gweg: That's a load off.
Zexotellian then disappeared in a cloud of smoke.
Gweg read over the article he wrote one last time.
When Gweg was writing, he had some notes from Zexotellian. Little tidbits that Zex wanted to make sure Gweg included.
Gweg got stuck on one line as he read it.
"Zexotellian is a wonderful husband and a loving father."
Gweg wondered.
Was the arrival of Sekiath and Zexotellian a coincidence? Satyr did act strange about Sekiath. Could it be? Are they related?
Deep down inside, Gweg knew they were.
DAY 14
Satyr: Gweg, I'm home.
Satyr spent most of the day trying to buy eyeballs on the black market. He found none.
Gweg: It's about damn time. Your friend decided the couch was too uncomfortable and went to sleep on your bend.
Satyr peered down the hall.
Satyr: Tell me something, this kid doesn't look weird, does he?
Gweg: No. He looks like a regular teen. I thought you knew him.
Satyr: Yeah. Nevermind.
Satyr went to his room.
Satyr: Hey, wake up.
Sekiath woke up.
Satyr: You must be Sekiath.
Sekiath: That I am.
Satyr: Yeah, your dad told me I was to help you.
Sekiath: Yeah. Dad wants this my problem dealt with discreetly.
Sekiath explained the problem to Satyr.
Satyr: That's one hell of a problem. Listen. I need some sleep before I tackle this. I haven't gotten any for a while. Here, take some cash and go have a night on the town. But don't do anything stupid.
Sekiath: Don't worry. I've lasted this long without getting caught.
Sekiath took some cash and left. Satyr went to sleep.
Gweg saw Sekiath leave.
Gweg began to watch TV.
The floor in front of the TV began to smoke. The smoke became taller and a figure appeared in the smoke.
Gweg: Oh for fuck's sake.
Zexotellian: BEHOLD! FOR I AM THE DARK LORD OF THE 19TH NETHERWORLD! I AM...
Gweg: I know who you are, Zexotellian.
Zexotellian stepped out of the smoke.
Zexotellian: Hello Gweg. You should no, that it is taking everything I have not to lash out at you and eviscerate you all over this room.
Gweg: I take it you're still upset.
Zexotellian: Upset? Bah! Upset doesn't even begin to cover it. What a laughingstock I became when you tricked me. Demoted down 12 whole levels! And now, I come here to make a deal.
Gweg: What?
Zexotellian: I have all the time in the world to get my revenge on you. But for some reason, it seems petty. No. I'd rather put this mess behind me and move on. But, I am willing to extract revenge if that what it comes down to. But you see, your dear friend the satyr revealed something to me. I do have an image problem. Too many goths, as you know, make up my market. I need to be more mainstream, and I want you to help.
Gweg: What can I do?
Zexotellian: I hear that you are a journalist. I want you to write out a new description of me for my website, I want you to publish an article about me in the New York Times.
Gweg: I've never been published in the New York Times.
Zexotellian: I will arrange it. Do we have an agreement? You write for me and make me look better and I will dissolve my hatred of you.
Gweg: Fine, it's a deal.
DAY 17
Gweg and Zexotellian were at the computer.
Gweg: I don;t know why you had me lie to the cops to cover Satyr's alibi.
Zexotellian: I need him out of jail for the work he is doing for me.
Gweg: Ok. Here. Read your Welcoming Page.
Zexotellian read over what Gweg had wrote for his website.
"Welcome Friends! This is the Brand New Website for your favorite Man in all of the Netherwolrds, Lord Zexotellian! Zexotellian has been a Lord for many centuries now and he has helped many a persons with their problems. You need some help, the Sexy Lord Zexotellian will be ,more than Happy to serve you. For A Price! But come on, nothing is free anymore, now is it? So, just click the links below and you'll be satisfied in no time."
Gweg: As you can see, I took away all of the "Dark" references.
Zexotellian: Good work. Now, about the article. I want it perfect.
Gweg: You'll have to give me a few days. By the twentieth at least.
Zexotellian: Fine.
DAYS 18-23
Nothing much happened on these days. Gweg wrote and edited the article. Zexotellian got it published. Satyr and Sekiath worked on the problem at hand.
Day 24
Satyr: I got it!
Sekiath: Took long enough.
Satyr: Autistic kids!
Sekiath: What are you talking about?
Satyr: No. Think about it. What you do doesn't really change that much.
Sekiath: Well....
Satyr: Autistic kids would be perfect.
Sekiath: Ok. Let's try it.
Days 26-27
Satyr and Sekiath tracked down kids with autism.
DAY 28
Satyr and Sekiath leave the house they just broke into.
Sekiath: I think this was a good idea.
Satyr: Ha ha. Yes it was. One of many.
Sekiath: How many is that now?
Satyr: 20 I think.
Satyr: All right. Let's head back to my house and we'll give your father the good news.
A little later, Sekiath and Satyr arrived at the apartment.
Gweg was sitting on the couch.
Gweg: About time you get home. I need to have a talk with you.
Satyr: Later Gweg. Me and Sekiath are just finishing up.
Sekiath: Yeah. Let me call my dad.
Sekiath took out a cell phone.
Sekiath: Hey dad. Yeah, it's done. Ok, I'll let him know.
Sekiath put the phone away and turned to Satyr.
Sekiath: Hey, Satyr. Dad says to meet him at the basketball court on 19th street tomorrow.
Satyr: Fine.
Sekiath: Peace out bros.
Sekiath left.
Gweg: I know what's up.
Satyr: The sky Gweg?
Gweg: No. I know that Sekiath is Zexotellian's son.
Satyr: So what?
Gweg: He wants to meet you at a basketball court on 19th street. Why?
Satyr: I don't know why. I don't go around trying to figure out what going on in the mind of a Dark Lord. Or should I say a "Sexy Lord" as you have described him.
Gweg: How do you know about that?
Satyr: My good friend is an Internet nerd, you know. I had him keeping me updated on any changes on Zexotellian's website. Just in case.
Gweg: I did it to get Zex off my back. But I still don't trust him. I'm going with you to the basketball court tomorrow.
Satyr: Fine. Speaking of Cyber, I need to thank him for getting me into this whole mess in the first place.
DAY 1
Satyr had a problem. And not a very good problem. This particular problem has been bothering him for weeks now.
He had the uncontrollable urge to expose himself to a child.
Satyr didn't know why he had this problem, but he knew he had to take care of it. Or else it would destroy him.
Satyr called the one person he could trust.
Cyber Centaur.
Satyr: Hey Cy-baby. What's going on.
Cyber: I'm just selling my WoW gold on eBay.
Satyr: You might as well sell your dick on there too.
Cyber: All ready tried that. They took the auction down.
Satyr: Yeah. Speaking of dicks, I want to flash mine in front of a kid.
Cyber: I think I'll hang up now.
Satyr: No wait. I need your help with this. How do I do this without getting caught?
Cyber: I don't know. Does the kid actually need to see your goods?
Satyr thought it over.
Satyr: No. I just need to flash myself in front of him. He doesn't actually have to see anything.
Cyber: Ok. Do it in front of a blind kid.
Satyr: That's a good idea. Yeah. I think that will work.
Day 29
Gweg: Why is he meeting you at 10:30 PM in a dark basketball court?
Gweg and Satyr were standing in the middle of the basketball court waiting for Zexotellian to show up.
Satyr: He likes the dark.
Gweg: This is making me nervous.
Suddenly, smoke began to rise out of the basket ball court.
Zexotellian: BEHOLD! FOR I AM...AH FUCK IT!
Zexotellian and Sekiath stepped out of the smoke.
Zexotellian: Good, I'm glad to see you here Gweg. I knew you wouldn't fail me there.
Gweg: I'm here to make sure you don't pull any tricks.
Zexotellian: Then you are going to fail. You see, I didn't become a major player in the Netherworlds because of my good looks. No. It's all about ingenuity. And I have that stuff leaking out of my pores.
Zexotellian let out a laugh. Sekiath smiled brightly, showing his fangs.
Zexotellian: When your buddy, the satyr here, called me up, asking for my help, I saw the perfect opportunity for revenge. Ironic revenge. For you see, my son is a vampire and I had Satyr go out and help my son discover some the perfect cattle for my son to feat on, not knowing that my son has the power to summon whatever vampires he creates to his location. And now, my son will summon the creatures here and they will feast on the two of you. That's right Satyr, the very vamps you helped create will now destroy you!
Sekiath's smile dissappeared.
Sekiath: Uh dad. You never told me about that part.
Zexotellian: Quiet! Summon your minions! Zexotellian will have his revenge. And all of the Netherworld will be buzzing about how I extracted the perfect revenge.
Sekiath: But dad...
Zexotellian DO IT!
Sekiath shrugged and began to move his arms about wildly,
Kids began to pop up all around Zexotellian and Sekiath.
Zexotellian looked all around the vampire children.
Zexotellian: Ah. My grandchildren. Since I am your master's father, I too am your master! Now heed me and attack those two.
Zexotellian pointed at Satyr and Gweg.
The vampires just stared at Zexotellian's hand.
Zexotellian: I command you! Attack.
Several of the vamps began to cover their ears. Other just looked around. One of them began to line up basketballs into a row.
Zexotellian: What is wrong with them? Are they retarded?
Sekiath: I tried to tell you. They are autistic.
Zexotellian: You fed off of autistic kids?
Sekiath: It was Satyr's idea.
Zexotellian glared at Satyr.
Zexotellian: You fool! Is kids with disabilities your answer to everything?
Satyr: Pretty much.
Zexotellian: My plan. My beautiful plan of revenge. You have defeated me for the last time Satyr! I will have my revenge! As for this. (Zexotellian waved his arms around the autistic vamps.) I'll leave you to clean this up.
Zexotellian and Sekiath vanished.
Gweg and Satyr slowly backed away from the vamps.
DAY 30
Satyr and Gweg were still standing on the outside of the fence.
Gweg: What time is it?
Satyr: It's only 1 am.
Gweg: They haven't left.
Satyr: Like I said, they'll stick there until morning.
Gweg: How are we going to get rid of them?
Satyr: I don't know.
Behind them, an unmarked police car pulled up. Out of it stepped Det. Watterson.
Det. Watterson: Satyr! What are you doing to those kids?
Satyr: Oh for Pan's sake. I ain't doing nothing Watts! We just came across them.
Gweg nodded.
Det. Watterson: Just came across them huh? A pederast just happened to come across a bunch of kids standing in the middle of a basketball court in the middle of the night. Is that what I'm expected to believe?
Satyr: Yeah. Sounds plausible to me.
Det. Watterson: Save it perv. I'm going to find out what you did to these kids.
Watterson went up to one of the kids.
Det. Watterson: Excuse me boy. Did that goat man do anything he shouldn't have to you?
The kid just stared at him.
Det. Watterson: What wrong with all these kids? These must be the missing autistic kids that just went out on the APB.
Satyr: Yep. And I found them. Do I get a reward?
Det. Watterson: Fuck no. Pervert. You get diddly-squat. No. Let me rephrase that. You'll get my size 14 stuck up your ass. Hear me out Satyr, I'm onto you. I going to be on you 24/7. You'll keep looking over shoulder, oh you won't see me, but you'll know I'm there.
Det. Watterson got on his radio.
Det. Watterson: Yeah. It's Watterson. I got the kids here. (He counted the heads of the kids). Yeah. All twenty. Ok. I'll wait with them.
Gweg: Uh, Detective, there is something you should know about the kids.
Det. Watterson: Quiet faggot. Yeah. I'm onto you too. I'm trained to notice things. And cover each other's asses is the only thing you two do together. Now, get out of my sight. And if I ever see either of you around another kid...there won;t need to be a trial, just a funeral.
Satyr: Thanks Watts. Can you use your powers of detection to figure out which finger I'm going to hold up?
Gweg: Let's just go.
Later, that day at the apartment.
Satyr: Watts got all the autistic kids back in their homes.
Gweg: Don;t they realize that they are vampires?
Satyr: Nope. They will eventually though. They have to. But, not our problem.
Gweg: Yeah. We got the same problem and a new one.
Satyr: Fucking Watts. Fucking Zex. And the fucking guy who took pictures of me. He got us into this mess. If I ever find out who was behind that, I will have his hide.
The End.....
DAY 2
Satyr had been following the family for two hours now. The parents looked like the religious yuppy type, but Satyr wasn't concerned about them.
He was interested in the boy. Who just happened to be blind.
Satyr waited patiently for his opportunity. Finally it came. The family had strolled down to the lake. There was a small park next to the lake. They took their boy to the swingset and placed him onto one of the swings. They told him to stay there why they went down to the lake.
The boy began to swing as the parents walked down to the lake to skip stones over it. They had their backs turned to the boy.
Satyr stepped out of the shadows, opened his trenchcoat up, and exposed himself to the boy. He covered up and hightailed it out of there.
50 feet away, Gweg snapped photos of the whole thing.
Gweg: Good. Now to send these to the cops. Finally, I won't have to deal with him anymore. This will be perfect.
Satyr: And I have no doubt you are going to blame me for this. After all, that is your favorite past time.
Gweg: Actually, I am kind of to blame for this too.
Satyr: What? Really?
Gweg: Yes, but I'd rather not talk about it.
Satyr and Gweg had now backed themselves into a corner. They were standing at the very end of the basketball court. A wall to a building was behind them, another wall to the left of them, and a giant fence to the right of them.
The 20 or so figures were blocking their only exit.
Gweg: How long until sunrise? A little daylight could help us out here.
Satyr: It's only 11PM so we got seven more hours, but trust me, daylight don't do shit.
Gweg: What? I thought...
Satyr: Trust me. Besides. I think we might be safe until help arrives. After all, they are just standing there, staring into space. They might do that until morning. Hell, there is a good chance that we could climb that fence and they wouldn't know it.
Gweg heard one of them make a noise.
Gweg: What was that? What did he do?
Satyr: It's ok. That's just the noises they make.
Gweg: It kind of creeps me out.
Satyr: It's ok. Let's just move over to the fence.
Gweg and Satyr slowly made their way over to the fence. The figures did not move, as Satyr predicted.
Satyr and Gweg latched onto the fence and began to climb.
Satyr: I just hope this plan works, because all of my other plans this month have failed miserably.
Gweg: I don't see how that is surprising.
Satyr: My plans were fool proof. I still don't know how that first one got me jail.
DAY 3
Officer Larson: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do will be held against you. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you.
Satyr: What is this shit? What did I do?
Officer Larson handcuffed Satyr and put him in the back of the squad car. 20 minutes alter, they arrived at the police station. Satyr was led to the interrogation room, where a detective was waiting for him.
Detective Watterson: You sick fuck.
Satyr: What is this all about?
Det. Watterson: I don't even want to get into the details. I felt sick enough after seeing the pics. Here, why don't you look at them?
Watterson threw five pics on the table. Satyr looked them over, wide eyed.
Satyr: Where did you get these?
Det. Watterson: That doesn't matter. Fact is: we got them. You are going away for a long time for this, punk.
Satyr: I'm not guilty.
Watterson simply pointed at the photos. Satyr shook his head.
Satyr: I have the right to a speedy trial. I'll be back on the streets within a week.
Det. Watterson: With this evidence, I can get you a trial tomorrow. You'll be in jail for the rest of your life. Unless you got a very good lawyer, which sick twisted fucks like you usually have.
Satyr: I do have a good lawyer, he's the best.
Det. Watterson: Who's that?
Satyr: I represent myself.
Det. Watterson: A fool for a client.
Satyr: You watch, nothing bad will happen from me representing myself.
DAY 11
Gweg was sitting a home, still coming to grips with what Satyr had just pulled. Gweg couldn't believe Satyr would go that far to get himself out of prison. He thought that even Satyr would have knew better than to go that route.
Just as Gweg was getting ready to get on the computer to make sure Satyr didn't completely fuck himself, there was a knock on the door.
Gweg looked towards the sky and shook his head.
Gweg: You better have a fucking mansion waiting for me up there.
Gweg opened the door. He saw a dark haired, skinny, light skinned older teenager standing before him.
The Teen: Is Satyr here?
Gweg: Let me guess, you are on of his friends from the Internet.
The teen gave Gweg a weird sort of smile.
The Teen: Yeah, let's go with that. Is he here?
Gweg: No, he's out.
The Teen: I'll just wait for him here.
The teen moved past Gweg and plopped himself down on the couch.
The Teen: Got anything to drink? I know you won't have what I'm really thirsty for, but anything cold would be fine.
Gweg couldn't believe the audacity of Satyr's friend. But Gweg was tired of all these confrontations and brought the kid a Dr. Pepper.
Gweg: I didn't catch your name.
The Teen: Call me Sekiath.
Gweg: Sekiath. Can I get you anything else? Make you a sandwich, rub your back, throw you out the window?
Sekiath chuckled and pointed at Gweg
Sekiath: Yeah, I was warned about you. No, I appreciate the drink, thank you. Satyr go out often?
Gweg: Yeah, he does. He stays in one place for too long, it starts to deteriorate.
Sekiath shook his head and took a drink.
Gweg: I don't know when he'll be back, so it'd be best if you went home and I'll let him know you came by.
Sekiath shrugged.
Sekiath: Nah, I've got nothing better to do. I can wait.
The phone rang. Gweg answered it.
Gweg: Hello. Figures. Yeah, I never do. Listen, one of your friends is here. Sekiath. Ok, I'll let him know.
Gweg hung the phone up and spoke to Sekiath.
Gweg: That was Satyr, it looks like he's going to be out all night.
Sekiath took a drink.
Sekiath: That's fine. I can crash here for the night.
Gweg: I would be more comfortable if you didn't.
Sekiath: It'll be fine Gweg. I'll sleep here on the couch. It's not like I'll come into your room or bite you or anything.
Sekiath gave out a chuckle. And he could see the worried look on Gweg's face.
Sekiath: Hey man, Satyr would be down with me sleeping here, and it is half of his apartment, right?
Gweg: Fine. Just don't make too much noise, a mess, and don't empty the fridge.
Sekiath: It'll be like I'm not even here.
Gweg: I wish it were.
DAY 5
Guard: You are in this cell right here.
The guard threw Satyr into the jail cell.
Satyr: Come on! That was not a fair trial at all! I don't belong here!
Guard: Save it for someone who cares.
Satyr: Fucking, goddamn, piece of cocksucking, motherfucking, worm licking , jew nailing, shit fingering, asshole looting, sons of bitches!
Satyr held onto the bars, steaming, giving the evil eye at the guard. He then heard a voice behind him.
Cellmate: Could you keep it down?
Satyr spun around and saw a huge muscular black man laying on a bunk and reading a book.
Satyr: Well, this figures. This just fucking figures. I get locked in with Bubba. Listen, if you are going to ass rape, do us both a favor and lube it up.
Bubba: My name is not Bubba. It's Maurice. And I'm not going to ass rape you.
Satyr: Well, thank Pan for small favors. But that trial I just had was not in the least bit fair. A jury of my peers. Jury of incompetent idiots is more like it.
Maurice: What happened?
Satyr: Listen to this.
Day 4
Prosecutor: And Detective Watterson, do you know who took these pictures?
Det. Watterson: No they were sent to us from an anonymous person. We have not been able to track this person down.
Prosecutor: And is there any evidence that these photos were doctored in any way?
Det. Watterson: No. We had the photos analyzed and they came back clean. These photos are originals.
Prosecutor: And who is the person in the photos?
Det. Watterson: The defendant.
Prosecutor: Thank you Detective, that will be all.
Judge: Mr. Satyr, you may now question the witness.
Satyr: Thanks, Judge. Ok, "Detective".
Det. Watterson: You don't need to be sarcastic when you say that.
Satyr: Oh, I'm sorry, have I asked you a question yet. Did I give you permission to speak?
Judge: The Detective will wait for a question and the defendant will not speak to him in a sarcastic manner.
Satyr flashed the detective a shit-eating grin.
Satyr: You know something, Detective, I look at these photos and can't help but think, "Hmm. I can't see that persons face to well." How about you?
Det. Watterson: I can see the face just fine.
Satyr: Can you? But how do you know it's not a mask?
Prosecutor: Objection your Honor.
Judge: Overruled.
Satyr: Thank you. Well, how do you know?
Det. Watterson: We blew up the photos and it's quite obvious it's you. And It's quite obvious from the different facial expressions in the photos that it is not a mask.
Satyr: That may be. But how are we sure that it isn't a shape-shifter pretending to be me?
Prosecutor: Objection! That's just ridiculous.
Judge: I agree.
Satyr: Fine. Tell me Watts, are you 100% sure that that is me in the picture?
Det. Watterson: Yes.
Satyr became irate.
Satyr: Permission to treat this witness as hostile?
Judge: If you feel that that is absolutely necessary.
Satyr: Oh, I do. Tell me this, Detective! Do you know where liars go when they die?
Prosecutor: Objection!
Judge: Mr. Satyr, that is enough.
Satyr: I withdraw the question and I have no further questions for this so called witness.
Judge: You may step down Detective. Does the State have any more witnesses to call?
Prosecutor: No, the Prosecution rests.
Judge: Mr. Satyr: You may call your first witness.
Satyr: I have no one to call your honor. My defence will be in my closing argument.
Judge: Have it your way. We will take a 30 minute recess and come back and have closing arguments.
Half an hour later.
Prosecutor: We have the pictures. It is clearly the defendant doing this nasty deed. We have no reason to believe other wise.
Satyr got up to deliver his arguments to the jury.
Satyr: What do these pics tell us? Nothing? There is an endless amount of possibilities for those photos looking like they are. But that is not me. I would never do anything like that. Look at me. Is this not a trustworthy face?
Judge: The jury will now begin their deliberations.
10 minutes later.
Foreman: We the jury, in a unanimous decision, find the defendant guilty on all charges.
Satyr: Oh that is such bullshit.
Judge: Thank you Jury. The Bailiff will put Mr. Satyr into custody and we will have sentencing tomorrow.
DAY 6
Satyr: I just don't know if I should.
Maurice: Well, if it works.
Satyr: Yeah, but this guy comes with a price.
Maurice: You said you were loaded.
Satyr: I am. I got money up the yin-yang, but this guy isn't about money.
Maurice: Oh, that type. There are plenty of guys here who can help you ready yourself for that kind of sacrifice.
Satyr: No, not that either. This guy has certain rules about how things are done. But I don't know what. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. What do you suggest?
Maurice: If I knew how to get in contact with this guy, I would do it.
Satyr: Yeah, I should. Gweg won't be happy if I do. But oh well, I deal with him when the time comes.
DAY 10
Gweg: You hired who?!?!
Gweg became irate when Satyr told him who it was who got him out of jail.
Gweg: What were you thinking? You know better than that. What is he going to do?
Satyr: He's not going to do anything, I have to do it.
Gweg: Do what? What is it? You better get out of this mess clean.
Satyr: Come on Gweg, haven't I always cleaned up my own messes?
Gweg: No. No you haven't. And this. With him! Oh lord, this will not turn out pretty.
Satyr: Lighten up. Did I get any mail while I was out?
Gweg: Yeah you got one letter. It came today. It's there on the table.
Satyr picked it up and opened it. He read it out loud.
Satyr: "Dear fucking asshole. We want to speak with you about our son. Meet us at our house. Tell whomever you want so you won't be scared. We just want to talk to you. Our address is on the envelope."
Gweg: The hole just keeps getting deeper.
Satyr: That's enough out of you. I wonder what they want.
Day 11
Satyr knocked on the door of the house. The father answered the door.
The Father: Come in.
Satyr entered the living room. The mother was sitting in a chair, looking at Satyr with grim intent.
The father motioned towards the couch.
The Father: Have a seat.
The Mother: You piece of shit.
Satyr: Nice to meet you.
The Father: The reason we have asked you to come here, is that we were disappointed with the new verdict you somehow received.
Satyr: You should be glad to know the system works.
The Father: Shut up. We wanted to talk to you face to face. We want you to know that we will dedicate our lives to making sure yours is a personal hell.
Satyr: Yeah. That sounds good and all, but I don't buy it for one second.
The Mother: What do you mean you piece of shit?
Satyr: Feel free to call me any other expletive, I don't mind. But, I don't believe you have what it takes to make my life hell for the rest of yours.
The Father: I'm a telemarketer.
Satyr nearly jumped out of his seat.
Satyr: Listen, maybe we can work something out.
The Mother. No fucker, there is nothing to work out. What you did is unforgivable.
Satyr: It's not like the kid saw anything.
The Father: Now, let's give him a chance, he might be able to provide us with something. But I won't let you leave until we are satisfied.
Satyr: That's fine. Just let me call my roommate.
The Father: That's fine. Here's the phone.
Satyr: Yeah, Gweg, it's me. Don't expect me home tonight. That's funny. Oh yeah, who? Oh..him. Ok, let him know I'll talk with him tomorrow.
Satyr handed the phone back to the father.
Satyr: Now, to help you guys out. What if I were to..cure your kids blindness.
The Father: What?
Satyr: Yeah. Get this. I know people. People that could help with that problem. You let me get in touch with them, and I'll have your kid seeing what ugly parents he has by the end of this month.
The Mother: You are a rotten son of a bitch.
Satyr: Just calling it like I see it.
Satyr turned to the father.
Satyr: I can see why you married her. She's so full of rich conversation.
The Father: Don't get smart. You have six days to do as you promised. Or we shall do as we promised.
Satyr: Fine.
The Mother: I was so glad to hear you got put in the prison infirmary. I'd like to shake the hand of the man who did it.
Satyr laughed. No you wouldn't. It was my lawyer.
Satyr laughed again at the woman's shocked face and left the house.
DAY 8
Satyr was laying down on the infirmary bed. Gweg was standing next to him.
Gweg: You got beat up by your lawyer?
Satyr: Don't worry about that now. We patched things up I need to talk to you.
Gweg: That's why I'm here. It sure as hell isn't to make sure you are doing ok.
Satyr: You are not a good friend at all.
Gweg: Never once did I claim to be.
Satyr: Asshole. Anyway, I noticed in the paper you already have an ad out looking for a new roommate.
Gweg: I have that ad in there everyday.
Satyr: Don't even think about it. I have a new today and I'll be out of here tomorrow. And that apartment better be they way it was when I got here.
Gweg: Well, I won't make any promises.
Satyr: Fine. Just leave me be. I need to be fresh for my new trial.
DAY 13
Satyr: You know what, I'm glad you are here.
Sekiath: That's not something I'm used to hearing.
Satyr: I don't doubt that. Listen. This problem you have and the problem I have can be dealt with simultaneously.
Sekiath: How do you figure?
Satyr: I take you to the blind kid. You do your thing. And that might be able to cure him of his blindness. And if it works, you can work on all the blind kids of the world.
Sekiath: Perhaps. I don't know how accurate that could be. I know you've probably read books, but most of them are wrong about the subject.
Satyr: Well, that's a risk I have to take. I can't deal with kid in an orthodox way.
Sekiath: When should we do it?
Satyr: Tonight. And we have to do it exactly as planned. I mean this kid got me in jail once already. And I don't want to deal with him or a lawyer again.
Sekiath: I don't think you could if you wanted to. The rules are particular.
Satyr: I know that all too well.
DAY 7
Satyr: I've decided to do it, Maurice. I'm going to get that lawyer.
Maurice: Good. I'm glad you are going to take this opportunity.
Satyr: Yeah. Now, just to get into contact with him. Let's see what the paper says.
Satyr unscrolled a paper and read over it.
Satyr: Hmm. Maurice, are you a Muslim?
Maurice: Yes. Yes I am.
Satyr: Perfect.
Satyr reached under him mattress and pulled out a shiv. He then stabbed Maurice in the neck with it.
Satyr: Sorry Maurice. But it was your idea.
Satyr then drew a pentagram like symbol onto the floor with Maurice's blood.
Smoke began to rise from the drawing.
In the smoke, the form of a man appeared. A voice boomed out.
Voice: BEHOLD! YOU HAVE CALLED FORTH THE LORD OF THE 19TH NETHERWORLD! YOU HAVE CALLED FORTH THE DARK LORD ZEXOTELLIAN!
Satyr: 19th? What the hell happened to the 7th?
Zexotellian: YOU!
Zexotellian ran towards Satyr and began to pummel him.
Satyr spoke between the punches.
Satyr: You can't kill me, it's against your rules.
Zexotellian: There is nothing in the rule book about me kicking your ass.
Zexotellian beat the shit out of Satyr. Zexotellian got up and smoothed out his suit.
Zexotellian: Well, that felt damn good. Your little trick got the last time got me knocked down all the way to the 19th fucking Netherworld. There I was, one of the best Dark Lords the Nether Judges have ever seen and being spoken to like I was some Nether Bitch. All because of you. And now you have the gall to call me up asking for a favor? Word must travel around fast. "Hey Satyr, did you hear Zexotellian was nothing more than a broken house pet. Yeah, wave a paper at him, he'll tuck his tail under him and cover his nose." I got news for you, you anthropomorphic dick wad, I am not some Dark Lord you got on a leash. Whatever favor you want, I guarantee you will pay for for. Because if you don't pay, you'll die. So personally, I am kind of hoping you don't come through.
Satyr: How do you know you'll come through?
Zexotellian: How? What is that? Are you being serious? No wait, I know, you want to a second serving of the ass kicking I just delivered. Good news satyr, ass kicking is not only on the menu, it's on the all you can eat buffet!
Satyr: Are you sure you are not the Dark Lord of the Nether Lame? I need you to get me a new trial and get me out of jail.
Zexotellian: You honestly believe that is a challenge? Please. You saw Michael Jackson's trial? Yeah, I didn't even brake a sweat. You are talking to the Dark Lord Zexotellian here. As soon as I'm done getting you out of here, I've got one hell of a task for you.
Satyr: What is it?
Zexotellian: I'll let you know after you get released.
DAYS 15 & 16
Satyr and Sekiath were at the parents house.
The Father: What you two did to our son was an unholy sin and I will make you hell demons burn.
Satyr: Just because I look the part doesn't mean I'm from hell.
Sekiath: Yeah. That is a bit biased.
The Mother: My son!!! MY SON!!!
Satyr: Will you calm that bitch down?
The father punched Satyr.
Sekiath: Sir, there is no need for violence here.
The Father: I had to kill my own son. When I saw what you did to him...I can't speak of such evil.
Satyr: At least we cured his blindness.
The Father: No you did not. He still was blind!
The Mother: AWWWWW MY SON!!!
Satyr: You know, Scrabble will help build your vocabulary.
The Father: She is upset. She saw what you did to our son, not to mention what our son was doing to our cat.
Sekiath: I don't understand how he remained blind. It should have been fixed.
The Father: That's what happens when evil is involved. God help me, I will destroy you both.
Satyr: You'll have to cacth us first.
Satyr and Sekiath took off running.
The Father screamed out after them.
The Father: God is on my side! We will hunt you down and you will burn!
Later that night.
Sekiath: Well, it's more your problem than it is mine.
Satyr: You are the reason this happened. I did it to help you out.
Sekiath: Yeah, but I'm not exactly accountable for anything you do.
Satyr: Just help me take care of this. I can have it handled tomorrow.
Sekiath: What do you have in mind?
Satyr: We call the cops.
The next day.
The Father was sitting in the police station's interrogation room.
Det. Watterson: Where is your son?
The Father: I told you, the satyr took him.
Det. Watterson: I would be more than happy to believe that. But we checked him out. He has an airtight alibi and there is no evidence anywhere that he kidnapped your child.
The Father: Fine. I'll tell you what really happened.
The father then told Det. Watterson the story.
Det. Watterson: You expect me to believe all that.
The Father: Yes, because it's true!
Det. Watterson: Well, I can't. This world just keeps getting sicker. Blind kids not safe in public or in their own homes. Get this creep out of my face. No wonder your wife committed suicide this morning.
The Father: I didn't do anything!
One of the cops took the father to a jail cell.
Det. Watterson: Fucked up world.
DAY 9
Foreman: We the jury find the Defendant, "Not Guilty".
Judge: Thank you jury, you are free to go, as is the defendant.
Satyr shook Zexotellian's hand.
Satyr: Thank you Zex.
Zexotellian: Oh, don't be thanking yet. Now we will discuss the matter of your payment.
Satyr: If you are going to ass rape me, please use some lube.
Zexotellian: I am not going to ass rape you. I need you to help out my son.
Satyr: You have a son?
Zexotellian: Why are you surprised? I'm Zexotellian. One of the top Dark Lords of the Netherworlds. I have to fight the ladies off with a stick. Except for one lucky one who caught my eye and is now proud to be my wife.
Satyr: Yeah, listen: I don't want to have to deal with your hellspawn ok? I can help you in another way.
Zexotellian: Oh? My curiosity is dying to feed on this.
Satyr: Gweg told me all about your goth problem. What you need is a complete image makeover. I mean, come on, you look like a reject from a Panic! At The Disco music video. What we want to do is get rid of that, give you the sexy rugged look, and promote the hell out of you. GQ articles titled "The Joy Of Zex". Ads for kids that sound like the old Nickelodeon jingle. Ah Zex Zex Zex, Zex Zex Zex, ZEXOTELLIAN, Yeah!
Zexotellian did nothing but stare at Satyr.
Satyr: I can see my brilliance has stunned you.
Zexotellian: No. I was doing my best not to kill you. Look, I'm Zexotellian, I don't need an image makeover. But, I do need to protect my image. And my son is spending time here on this realm and I need you to make sure he doesn't cause too much trouble with his problem.
Satyr: You want me to babysit your kid?
Zexotellian: No. I want you to come up with a reasonable solution to his problem. And you have 'till the end of the month to do it, or else I kill you.
Satyr: The end of the month? That's bullshit.
Zexotellian: Read the rules. I can set the deadline. The end of the month. My son will come to your apartment. His name is Sekiath.
DAY 25
Zexotellian and Gweg were standing in the apartment. Zex shook Gweg's hand.
Zexotellian: Good work Gweg. The website is a hot and the article is a success.
Gweg: Some of my best writing ever.
Zexotellian: I'll say. Well, congrats. And, you are off the hook. You don't have to worry about facing my revenge.
Gweg: That's a load off.
Zexotellian then disappeared in a cloud of smoke.
Gweg read over the article he wrote one last time.
When Gweg was writing, he had some notes from Zexotellian. Little tidbits that Zex wanted to make sure Gweg included.
Gweg got stuck on one line as he read it.
"Zexotellian is a wonderful husband and a loving father."
Gweg wondered.
Was the arrival of Sekiath and Zexotellian a coincidence? Satyr did act strange about Sekiath. Could it be? Are they related?
Deep down inside, Gweg knew they were.
DAY 14
Satyr: Gweg, I'm home.
Satyr spent most of the day trying to buy eyeballs on the black market. He found none.
Gweg: It's about damn time. Your friend decided the couch was too uncomfortable and went to sleep on your bend.
Satyr peered down the hall.
Satyr: Tell me something, this kid doesn't look weird, does he?
Gweg: No. He looks like a regular teen. I thought you knew him.
Satyr: Yeah. Nevermind.
Satyr went to his room.
Satyr: Hey, wake up.
Sekiath woke up.
Satyr: You must be Sekiath.
Sekiath: That I am.
Satyr: Yeah, your dad told me I was to help you.
Sekiath: Yeah. Dad wants this my problem dealt with discreetly.
Sekiath explained the problem to Satyr.
Satyr: That's one hell of a problem. Listen. I need some sleep before I tackle this. I haven't gotten any for a while. Here, take some cash and go have a night on the town. But don't do anything stupid.
Sekiath: Don't worry. I've lasted this long without getting caught.
Sekiath took some cash and left. Satyr went to sleep.
Gweg saw Sekiath leave.
Gweg began to watch TV.
The floor in front of the TV began to smoke. The smoke became taller and a figure appeared in the smoke.
Gweg: Oh for fuck's sake.
Zexotellian: BEHOLD! FOR I AM THE DARK LORD OF THE 19TH NETHERWORLD! I AM...
Gweg: I know who you are, Zexotellian.
Zexotellian stepped out of the smoke.
Zexotellian: Hello Gweg. You should no, that it is taking everything I have not to lash out at you and eviscerate you all over this room.
Gweg: I take it you're still upset.
Zexotellian: Upset? Bah! Upset doesn't even begin to cover it. What a laughingstock I became when you tricked me. Demoted down 12 whole levels! And now, I come here to make a deal.
Gweg: What?
Zexotellian: I have all the time in the world to get my revenge on you. But for some reason, it seems petty. No. I'd rather put this mess behind me and move on. But, I am willing to extract revenge if that what it comes down to. But you see, your dear friend the satyr revealed something to me. I do have an image problem. Too many goths, as you know, make up my market. I need to be more mainstream, and I want you to help.
Gweg: What can I do?
Zexotellian: I hear that you are a journalist. I want you to write out a new description of me for my website, I want you to publish an article about me in the New York Times.
Gweg: I've never been published in the New York Times.
Zexotellian: I will arrange it. Do we have an agreement? You write for me and make me look better and I will dissolve my hatred of you.
Gweg: Fine, it's a deal.
DAY 17
Gweg and Zexotellian were at the computer.
Gweg: I don;t know why you had me lie to the cops to cover Satyr's alibi.
Zexotellian: I need him out of jail for the work he is doing for me.
Gweg: Ok. Here. Read your Welcoming Page.
Zexotellian read over what Gweg had wrote for his website.
"Welcome Friends! This is the Brand New Website for your favorite Man in all of the Netherwolrds, Lord Zexotellian! Zexotellian has been a Lord for many centuries now and he has helped many a persons with their problems. You need some help, the Sexy Lord Zexotellian will be ,more than Happy to serve you. For A Price! But come on, nothing is free anymore, now is it? So, just click the links below and you'll be satisfied in no time."
Gweg: As you can see, I took away all of the "Dark" references.
Zexotellian: Good work. Now, about the article. I want it perfect.
Gweg: You'll have to give me a few days. By the twentieth at least.
Zexotellian: Fine.
DAYS 18-23
Nothing much happened on these days. Gweg wrote and edited the article. Zexotellian got it published. Satyr and Sekiath worked on the problem at hand.
Day 24
Satyr: I got it!
Sekiath: Took long enough.
Satyr: Autistic kids!
Sekiath: What are you talking about?
Satyr: No. Think about it. What you do doesn't really change that much.
Sekiath: Well....
Satyr: Autistic kids would be perfect.
Sekiath: Ok. Let's try it.
Days 26-27
Satyr and Sekiath tracked down kids with autism.
DAY 28
Satyr and Sekiath leave the house they just broke into.
Sekiath: I think this was a good idea.
Satyr: Ha ha. Yes it was. One of many.
Sekiath: How many is that now?
Satyr: 20 I think.
Satyr: All right. Let's head back to my house and we'll give your father the good news.
A little later, Sekiath and Satyr arrived at the apartment.
Gweg was sitting on the couch.
Gweg: About time you get home. I need to have a talk with you.
Satyr: Later Gweg. Me and Sekiath are just finishing up.
Sekiath: Yeah. Let me call my dad.
Sekiath took out a cell phone.
Sekiath: Hey dad. Yeah, it's done. Ok, I'll let him know.
Sekiath put the phone away and turned to Satyr.
Sekiath: Hey, Satyr. Dad says to meet him at the basketball court on 19th street tomorrow.
Satyr: Fine.
Sekiath: Peace out bros.
Sekiath left.
Gweg: I know what's up.
Satyr: The sky Gweg?
Gweg: No. I know that Sekiath is Zexotellian's son.
Satyr: So what?
Gweg: He wants to meet you at a basketball court on 19th street. Why?
Satyr: I don't know why. I don't go around trying to figure out what going on in the mind of a Dark Lord. Or should I say a "Sexy Lord" as you have described him.
Gweg: How do you know about that?
Satyr: My good friend is an Internet nerd, you know. I had him keeping me updated on any changes on Zexotellian's website. Just in case.
Gweg: I did it to get Zex off my back. But I still don't trust him. I'm going with you to the basketball court tomorrow.
Satyr: Fine. Speaking of Cyber, I need to thank him for getting me into this whole mess in the first place.
DAY 1
Satyr had a problem. And not a very good problem. This particular problem has been bothering him for weeks now.
He had the uncontrollable urge to expose himself to a child.
Satyr didn't know why he had this problem, but he knew he had to take care of it. Or else it would destroy him.
Satyr called the one person he could trust.
Cyber Centaur.
Satyr: Hey Cy-baby. What's going on.
Cyber: I'm just selling my WoW gold on eBay.
Satyr: You might as well sell your dick on there too.
Cyber: All ready tried that. They took the auction down.
Satyr: Yeah. Speaking of dicks, I want to flash mine in front of a kid.
Cyber: I think I'll hang up now.
Satyr: No wait. I need your help with this. How do I do this without getting caught?
Cyber: I don't know. Does the kid actually need to see your goods?
Satyr thought it over.
Satyr: No. I just need to flash myself in front of him. He doesn't actually have to see anything.
Cyber: Ok. Do it in front of a blind kid.
Satyr: That's a good idea. Yeah. I think that will work.
Day 29
Gweg: Why is he meeting you at 10:30 PM in a dark basketball court?
Gweg and Satyr were standing in the middle of the basketball court waiting for Zexotellian to show up.
Satyr: He likes the dark.
Gweg: This is making me nervous.
Suddenly, smoke began to rise out of the basket ball court.
Zexotellian: BEHOLD! FOR I AM...AH FUCK IT!
Zexotellian and Sekiath stepped out of the smoke.
Zexotellian: Good, I'm glad to see you here Gweg. I knew you wouldn't fail me there.
Gweg: I'm here to make sure you don't pull any tricks.
Zexotellian: Then you are going to fail. You see, I didn't become a major player in the Netherworlds because of my good looks. No. It's all about ingenuity. And I have that stuff leaking out of my pores.
Zexotellian let out a laugh. Sekiath smiled brightly, showing his fangs.
Zexotellian: When your buddy, the satyr here, called me up, asking for my help, I saw the perfect opportunity for revenge. Ironic revenge. For you see, my son is a vampire and I had Satyr go out and help my son discover some the perfect cattle for my son to feat on, not knowing that my son has the power to summon whatever vampires he creates to his location. And now, my son will summon the creatures here and they will feast on the two of you. That's right Satyr, the very vamps you helped create will now destroy you!
Sekiath's smile dissappeared.
Sekiath: Uh dad. You never told me about that part.
Zexotellian: Quiet! Summon your minions! Zexotellian will have his revenge. And all of the Netherworld will be buzzing about how I extracted the perfect revenge.
Sekiath: But dad...
Zexotellian DO IT!
Sekiath shrugged and began to move his arms about wildly,
Kids began to pop up all around Zexotellian and Sekiath.
Zexotellian looked all around the vampire children.
Zexotellian: Ah. My grandchildren. Since I am your master's father, I too am your master! Now heed me and attack those two.
Zexotellian pointed at Satyr and Gweg.
The vampires just stared at Zexotellian's hand.
Zexotellian: I command you! Attack.
Several of the vamps began to cover their ears. Other just looked around. One of them began to line up basketballs into a row.
Zexotellian: What is wrong with them? Are they retarded?
Sekiath: I tried to tell you. They are autistic.
Zexotellian: You fed off of autistic kids?
Sekiath: It was Satyr's idea.
Zexotellian glared at Satyr.
Zexotellian: You fool! Is kids with disabilities your answer to everything?
Satyr: Pretty much.
Zexotellian: My plan. My beautiful plan of revenge. You have defeated me for the last time Satyr! I will have my revenge! As for this. (Zexotellian waved his arms around the autistic vamps.) I'll leave you to clean this up.
Zexotellian and Sekiath vanished.
Gweg and Satyr slowly backed away from the vamps.
DAY 30
Satyr and Gweg were still standing on the outside of the fence.
Gweg: What time is it?
Satyr: It's only 1 am.
Gweg: They haven't left.
Satyr: Like I said, they'll stick there until morning.
Gweg: How are we going to get rid of them?
Satyr: I don't know.
Behind them, an unmarked police car pulled up. Out of it stepped Det. Watterson.
Det. Watterson: Satyr! What are you doing to those kids?
Satyr: Oh for Pan's sake. I ain't doing nothing Watts! We just came across them.
Gweg nodded.
Det. Watterson: Just came across them huh? A pederast just happened to come across a bunch of kids standing in the middle of a basketball court in the middle of the night. Is that what I'm expected to believe?
Satyr: Yeah. Sounds plausible to me.
Det. Watterson: Save it perv. I'm going to find out what you did to these kids.
Watterson went up to one of the kids.
Det. Watterson: Excuse me boy. Did that goat man do anything he shouldn't have to you?
The kid just stared at him.
Det. Watterson: What wrong with all these kids? These must be the missing autistic kids that just went out on the APB.
Satyr: Yep. And I found them. Do I get a reward?
Det. Watterson: Fuck no. Pervert. You get diddly-squat. No. Let me rephrase that. You'll get my size 14 stuck up your ass. Hear me out Satyr, I'm onto you. I going to be on you 24/7. You'll keep looking over shoulder, oh you won't see me, but you'll know I'm there.
Det. Watterson got on his radio.
Det. Watterson: Yeah. It's Watterson. I got the kids here. (He counted the heads of the kids). Yeah. All twenty. Ok. I'll wait with them.
Gweg: Uh, Detective, there is something you should know about the kids.
Det. Watterson: Quiet faggot. Yeah. I'm onto you too. I'm trained to notice things. And cover each other's asses is the only thing you two do together. Now, get out of my sight. And if I ever see either of you around another kid...there won;t need to be a trial, just a funeral.
Satyr: Thanks Watts. Can you use your powers of detection to figure out which finger I'm going to hold up?
Gweg: Let's just go.
Later, that day at the apartment.
Satyr: Watts got all the autistic kids back in their homes.
Gweg: Don;t they realize that they are vampires?
Satyr: Nope. They will eventually though. They have to. But, not our problem.
Gweg: Yeah. We got the same problem and a new one.
Satyr: Fucking Watts. Fucking Zex. And the fucking guy who took pictures of me. He got us into this mess. If I ever find out who was behind that, I will have his hide.
The End.....
DAY 2
Satyr had been following the family for two hours now. The parents looked like the religious yuppy type, but Satyr wasn't concerned about them.
He was interested in the boy. Who just happened to be blind.
Satyr waited patiently for his opportunity. Finally it came. The family had strolled down to the lake. There was a small park next to the lake. They took their boy to the swingset and placed him onto one of the swings. They told him to stay there why they went down to the lake.
The boy began to swing as the parents walked down to the lake to skip stones over it. They had their backs turned to the boy.
Satyr stepped out of the shadows, opened his trenchcoat up, and exposed himself to the boy. He covered up and hightailed it out of there.
50 feet away, Gweg snapped photos of the whole thing.
Gweg: Good. Now to send these to the cops. Finally, I won't have to deal with him anymore. This will be perfect.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Boston Massacre 2007
Gweg was worried.
Extremely worried.
Satyr hadn't been around for two months now.
Gweg wasn't worried about Satyr being in danger, or dead for that matter, Gweg was worried that Satyr was up to something.
Whenever Satyr wasn't around the apartment. He was up to no good.
And now Satyr had been gone for two months.
Gweg knew Satyr was still alive. He had sent in his part of the two month's rent though the mail, although he left no return address.
Monday night when Gweg went to bed, the hairs on the back of his neck stood up.
He knew trouble was coming.
Tuesday, Satyr returned home.
Satyr: Damn, that was one hell of a trip, but it was well worth it.
Gweg: What have you been doing? It's not anything I am going to see on the news is it?
Satyr: I don't see why it should be, I was just visiting some major cities to do some advertising.
Gweg: Advertising for what?
Satyr: My comic, "The Adventures of Baby Hitler and Siamese Twin Jesus".
Gweg: The what?
Satyr: It's a newspaper comic about two messed up clones of Jesus and Hitler. No newspaper will buy it, so I put up some advertisements to get people talking about it and demanding to see it in the newspapers.
Gweg: That's idiotic. What kind of ads are you putting up? Billboards?
Satyr: Hell no! Billboards are so cliched. I made hundreds of lite-brites with Baby Hitler or Siamese Twin Jesus on them and put them up over five major cities.
Gweg: What cities?
Satyr: New York, L.A., Philly, Chicago, and Boston.
Gweg: And whereabouts did you stick these lite-brites?
Satyr: In places that people visit a lot. Bus stops, newspaper machines, park benches, bridges, strip clubs, churches, and Paris Hilton.
Gweg: Well, it won't work, but it's not the worse thing you've done. Now leave me alone, it's time to watch the news.
Satyr: Why do you watch that shit? Half of the time these newspeople don't know what the hell they are talking about.
Gweg: Because, unlike you, I actually care about what is happening in the world.
Satyr: Mark my words, that shit will make you paranoid. I'm going to my room and waiting for calls from the newspapers.
Gweg: You put your name and number on the lite-brites?
Satyr stood motionless and then slapped his forehead.
Satyr: Fuck! I knew there was something I forgot to do!
Satyr stormed into his room and Gweg could hear him cussing up a storm. Gweg turned the tv onto MSNBC and turned up the volume.
20 minutes later, Gweg was screaming for Satyr to come into the room.
Gweg: Satyr, get in here!
Satyr came out of his room and walked up to Gweg.
Satyr: What is it Gweg? I need to make plans to head out to those cities again so I can put my info on those signs.
Gweg pointed at the TV.
Gweg: You may want to reconsider.
Satyr turned toward the TV. He was baffled by what he saw.
On the TV:
Reporter: The city of Boston is in a state of panic! Earlier this morning, a man getting his morning paper out of a paper machine, reported spotting a bomb inside the paper machine. The Boston Bomb Squad blew up the paper machine with the bomb inside, but there have been two more reports by people claiming, they too, have spotted suspicious devises they refer to as bombs.
Satyr: Oh shit.
On the TV:
The reporter pulled a person off of the street for an interview.
Reporter: What is the general feeling here in Boston?
Bostonite: Everybody is scared. We all figured the terrorists would target Boston sooner or later. We have the Liberty Bell for Pete's sake. Nobody knows where these bombs have all been planted. But we are not going to take this lying down!
The Bostonite pulled a gun out of his pocket and Fired into the air.
Bostonite: Come and get us Terrorist! We'll throw your asses into the sea just like we did that British Tea!
Reporter: There you have it America. Boston is in a state of complete anarchy in retaliation for the bombs. This could be a dark day in American history, but as you heard from that Boston resident, the Bostonites will not take this lying down. Boston has always had a history of standing up for their freedom. Terrorists, you have picked the wrong city.
The reporter put down his mic, but somebody could be heard shouting in the backgroud.
"Hey, look over there, They got a big ass bomb."
The reporter could be heard saying, "No, it's just the camera.", but shots rang out and the video feed was cut off.
MSNBC then cut to their newsroom.
News Anchor: We don't know exactly what happened there, but we will bring you the updates as they come along. We advise people not to go to Boston, which we would like to remind you, does not have the Liberty Bell.
Gweg: We need to go to Boston.
Satyr: Are you out of your fucking mind? You saw what just happened there. There is no chance in hell I'm going there.
Gweg: You are responsible for all of this.
Satyr: Hey! It's not my fault the idiots in Boston can't tell the difference between a bomb and a lite brite.
Gweg: It doesn't matter. I don't know why I didn't make the correlation earlier. In this day in age you need to be careful with what you put out there. You can't just put up anonymous electronic devices out wherever you please. People are on the look out today for anything suspicious.
Satyr: "Anonymous electronic devices?" They are fucking lite-brites. Anyway, it's really not my problem. My info is not on there, so they can't trace any of this back to me.
Gweg: You said you put them in public places right? Well, a lot of the places you mention sometimes have security cameras around there in major cities.
Satyr: Fuck. Well, what do you want me to do?
Gweg: Go to Boston and fess up.
Satyr: Why can't I just call?
Gweg: Because they probably have a bunch of goofballs calling up to take responsibility for this. You need to go down there and show them where you put these lite-brites at.
Satyr: You are coming with me.
Gweg: There is no chance in hell of me going there.
Satyr: Come on Gweg, I need you there. You are my moral compass. You are the guy that anchors me down to this funny little world we live in.
Gweg: You just want somebody with you when they take you down.
Satyr: Ok, you are right. But come on! Even you have to admit they are seriously overreacting to this.
Gweg: Yes, I agree with you there. Fine, let's go.
Some hours later.
Satyr: Holy shit, this place is a fucking mess.
Satyr and Gweg were in Boston, which was in complete chaos.
Satyr: All of this over a couple of lite-brites.
Gweg: Come on, we need to find an official.
They hopped into their car and drove down the street.
Gweg: According to this map, the Police Station is a few blocks down this street.
Moments later, they heard an explosion next to them.
Satyr: What the blue fuck was that?
Gweg: I don't know.
They looked up and saw a small group of people throwing grenades at cars in the street.
Satyr: We need to get the fuck out of here.
Gweg: You are right.
Gweg pulled off onto another street and and immediately all four tires of their car went flat.
Gweg: Shit! I Think we just ran over a spike strip.
Satyr: We'll be sitting ducks in this car. We need to get out.
They got out of the car. As they stepped out, they heard gunfire.
Satyr: Run!
They ran towards an alley way, but were followed by two men with machine guns.
Man # 1: We'll get you, you terrorist scum!
Satyr and Gweg kept running, they ran into another alley, only to find it was a dead end.
Satyr: It looks like this is it.
Gweg: I knew you would be the death of me.
Satyr: Before we die, I just want you to know, that I have always valued our friendship.
Gweg: Really?
Satyr: Fuck no! In fact, I blame you for getting me into this mess in the first place. I didn't want to come here, but noooo!, we had to do things the "Gweg Way". And now it's going to get us gunned down. Way to go, you ethical idiot.
The two men with guns came around the corner and aimed at Gweg and Satyr.
Man #1: This is what happens when you try to blow up our city.
Gweg put his head down while Satyr gave him an angry glance. Then they heard another man shout..
"Get down dammit!"
Gweg and Satyr threw themselves to the ground as the man who shouted came out of nowhere and gunned the two men down.
Satyr: You just saved our lives. Who are you?
The Man: My name is Jake Brower and I work for CPU and today is the longest day of my life.
Gweg: Thanks for saving us.
Jake: I don't know who you guys are, but if you want to survive, you need to stick with me. There are four more bombs out there. They were planted by terrorists working for the president who is working for a group of men, one whom is my brother, secretly running the country by starting wars and controlling oil and arms sales, while making a deal with a hidden alien race to remove them from the earth when the apocalypse occurs.
Satyr: Who in the hell thought up that cockamamie story? There are no bombs, they are lite-brites!
Jake: This is no time to argue, dammit. I need to find out what time it is.
Gweg: I have a watch.
Jake: That's not how I do things.
Jake went up to a teenager who was hiding behind a trash can.
Jake picked him up and twisted his arm around his back.
Jake: Tell me what time it is, dammit!
The Boy: I don't know!
Jake: Don't make me hurt you!
The Boy: It's 3 minutes till 5 o'clock.
Jake: I don't belive you.
Jake took out his pocket knife and started cutting off the boys ear.
Jake: Are you ready to tell me the truth.
The Boy: Yes! It's exactly 5 o'clock.
Jake: Good.
Jake threw the boy down.
Satyr: Jesus fuck! That was a little extreme wasn't it?
Jake: He did it to himself.
Gweg: What was the point of all that?
Jake: For this: The following takes place between 5:00 PM and 6:00 PM.
Satyr: You are fucking crazy.
Jake: Dammit! We need to locate these bombs. You either help me or you stay out of my way!
Satyr: I'm not going to tell you again! They are lite-brites!
Jake: They are bombs and I am the only person in America that can stop them.
Gweg leaned up to Satyr and whispered in his ear.
Gweg: I'm starting to agree with you, coming here was a bad mistake.
Satyr: How do we always keep running into the psychos.
Gweg: I think it's me. I'm a freak magnet.
Satyr: Yeah, the freaks are always hovering around you.
They looked over at Jake who was talking on a cell phone.
Jake: Dammit, Clea, I need those satellite photos right now! No dammit, it can't take that long, these events happen in real time!
Satyr: Let's inch away from him very quietly.
Satyr and Gweg started to move away.
Jake: You two, hold it! I need you two to cover me while I go commandeer a vehicle.
Satyr: Cover you! With what, our good looks and fists?
Jake: Grab the guns of those two guys there! Do it now!
Gweg: Let's do what the crazy man says.
Gweg and Satyr picked up the guns.
Jake: You stay here and keep a look out while you follow me and cover my rear.
Satyr: Wait a second, who does what now?
Jake: Dammit, just do what I say!
Satyr: Yes boss.
Jake ran out into the road and pointed his gun at the driver of a taxi.
Jake: My name is Jake Brower and I work for CPU and I need to take this vehicle.
The taxi driver got out. He was of Middle Eastern descent.
The Taxi Driver: Sure man, take it, it's all yours.
Jake: What did you just say?
Gweg got worried.
Gweg: He said to take the car.
Jake: Nobody gives up their car that easy, he's one of them!
Satyr: There is no "them"! It's a bunch of lite-brites!
Jake didn't pay attention. He drew his gun on the owner of the car.
Jake: Very slowly, get down on your knees and put your hands behind your back.
The Taxi Driver: I didn't do anything, I just want to get out of this crazy city.
Jake pulled out his cell phone.
Jake: Clea, it's me, Jack. I just got confirmation from one of the terrorists that the bombs will go off within the hour.
Gweg: That's not what he said at all!
Jake: Be quiet! This man knows where the bombs are. And he will tell me.
Jake pulled a hacksaw out of the back of his shirt.
Satyr: He's been running around with that thing strapped to his back all day?
Gweg: You really stirred up some serious shit this time around.
Satyr: I don't know how we are going to get out of this one. Holy shit! Look at what he's doing.
Jake had begun sawing of the Taxi Driver's arm while putting on a tourniquet.
Jake: It doesn't have to be this way. All you need to do is tell me where the bombs are!
The Taxi Driver: Please, no more. I don't know where the bombs are at!
Jake kept on cutting.
Jake: Tell me where the bombs are at. dammit!
Satyr and Gweg looked on.
Satyr: I'm beginning to think we need to plant real bombs just to end this whole mess.
Gweg: That may be the smartest idea you have ever come up with.
Gweg and Satyr snuck away with the screams of the Taxi Driver and the yelling of Jake Brower behind them.
Satyr: Where are we going to get real bombs.
Gweg: We are not. You are going to tell CPU where you put the lite-brites.
Satyr: What?
Gweg: You are going to pretend to be a terrorist and you are going to claim that you've had a change of heart and you are going to tell them where the "bombs" are at.
Satyr: I think I'm, starting to rub off on you Gweg, because that asinine idea sounds like something I would come up with.
Gweg: Don't ever say I'm acting like you ever again.
Satyr called CPU and told them where the "bombs" were at.
Satyr hung up the phone.
Satyr: There, it's done, now let's get the hell out of this fucked up town.
Gweg: For the first time, you and I are on the same page.
As they turned to walk away, Jake Brower stepped out of nowhere.
Jake: Come on. CPU was just contacted by one of the terrorists and we know where the bombs are at.
Satyr: How in the hell did you find us so fast. We hopped in that cab and drove ten blocks away from you.
Jake: There's no time to explain that, dammit. We need to diffuse these bombs now. We need to head over to the bridge that's on the outside of town.
Four minutes later.
Jake: They said the bomb is under the bridge. Help me look for it, dammit.
Satyr: You like to say "dammit" alot, don't you?
Jake: This is no time for games.
Satyr: I know where the bomb is. It's a few feet over there.
Jake went over to where Satyr pointed.
Jake: This isn't a bomb, this is a lite-brite, dammit!
Satyr: That's exactly what I have been trying to tell you.
Jake: You have just compromised this entire situation. We know about these stupid lite-brites with what appears to be a baby Hitler and a siamese twin Jesus. We have four bombs ready to explode in Boston and you have just wasted my time with these stupid toys. Their deaths will be on your heads.
Satyr: You know about the lite-brites?
Jake: Yes. And if the bombs go off, I will personally make sure that everybody knows about how you and your lite-brites are responsible for those people's deaths.
Satyr: Hot damn! You can't buy publicity like that.
Just as Satyr said that, several bombs went off in the city off Boston.
A few days later.
Gweg walked into the apartment to find Satyr watching TV.
Gweg: Well, did you find any buyers for your comic?
Satyr: No. No newspaper wants to print the comic that is connected with the destruction of Boston.
Gweg: Tough luck. Well, once again, it looks like nothing good came out of one of your stupid ideas.
Satyr: Really? Guess again.
Satyr pointed to the TV.
On the TV:
Reporter: Breaking news. Paris Hilton was detonated by the Las Angeles Bomb Squad today after if was reported that there was a strange glow coming out of her vagina. After the incident in Boston, no chances were taken.
The End.
Extremely worried.
Satyr hadn't been around for two months now.
Gweg wasn't worried about Satyr being in danger, or dead for that matter, Gweg was worried that Satyr was up to something.
Whenever Satyr wasn't around the apartment. He was up to no good.
And now Satyr had been gone for two months.
Gweg knew Satyr was still alive. He had sent in his part of the two month's rent though the mail, although he left no return address.
Monday night when Gweg went to bed, the hairs on the back of his neck stood up.
He knew trouble was coming.
Tuesday, Satyr returned home.
Satyr: Damn, that was one hell of a trip, but it was well worth it.
Gweg: What have you been doing? It's not anything I am going to see on the news is it?
Satyr: I don't see why it should be, I was just visiting some major cities to do some advertising.
Gweg: Advertising for what?
Satyr: My comic, "The Adventures of Baby Hitler and Siamese Twin Jesus".
Gweg: The what?
Satyr: It's a newspaper comic about two messed up clones of Jesus and Hitler. No newspaper will buy it, so I put up some advertisements to get people talking about it and demanding to see it in the newspapers.
Gweg: That's idiotic. What kind of ads are you putting up? Billboards?
Satyr: Hell no! Billboards are so cliched. I made hundreds of lite-brites with Baby Hitler or Siamese Twin Jesus on them and put them up over five major cities.
Gweg: What cities?
Satyr: New York, L.A., Philly, Chicago, and Boston.
Gweg: And whereabouts did you stick these lite-brites?
Satyr: In places that people visit a lot. Bus stops, newspaper machines, park benches, bridges, strip clubs, churches, and Paris Hilton.
Gweg: Well, it won't work, but it's not the worse thing you've done. Now leave me alone, it's time to watch the news.
Satyr: Why do you watch that shit? Half of the time these newspeople don't know what the hell they are talking about.
Gweg: Because, unlike you, I actually care about what is happening in the world.
Satyr: Mark my words, that shit will make you paranoid. I'm going to my room and waiting for calls from the newspapers.
Gweg: You put your name and number on the lite-brites?
Satyr stood motionless and then slapped his forehead.
Satyr: Fuck! I knew there was something I forgot to do!
Satyr stormed into his room and Gweg could hear him cussing up a storm. Gweg turned the tv onto MSNBC and turned up the volume.
20 minutes later, Gweg was screaming for Satyr to come into the room.
Gweg: Satyr, get in here!
Satyr came out of his room and walked up to Gweg.
Satyr: What is it Gweg? I need to make plans to head out to those cities again so I can put my info on those signs.
Gweg pointed at the TV.
Gweg: You may want to reconsider.
Satyr turned toward the TV. He was baffled by what he saw.
On the TV:
Reporter: The city of Boston is in a state of panic! Earlier this morning, a man getting his morning paper out of a paper machine, reported spotting a bomb inside the paper machine. The Boston Bomb Squad blew up the paper machine with the bomb inside, but there have been two more reports by people claiming, they too, have spotted suspicious devises they refer to as bombs.
Satyr: Oh shit.
On the TV:
The reporter pulled a person off of the street for an interview.
Reporter: What is the general feeling here in Boston?
Bostonite: Everybody is scared. We all figured the terrorists would target Boston sooner or later. We have the Liberty Bell for Pete's sake. Nobody knows where these bombs have all been planted. But we are not going to take this lying down!
The Bostonite pulled a gun out of his pocket and Fired into the air.
Bostonite: Come and get us Terrorist! We'll throw your asses into the sea just like we did that British Tea!
Reporter: There you have it America. Boston is in a state of complete anarchy in retaliation for the bombs. This could be a dark day in American history, but as you heard from that Boston resident, the Bostonites will not take this lying down. Boston has always had a history of standing up for their freedom. Terrorists, you have picked the wrong city.
The reporter put down his mic, but somebody could be heard shouting in the backgroud.
"Hey, look over there, They got a big ass bomb."
The reporter could be heard saying, "No, it's just the camera.", but shots rang out and the video feed was cut off.
MSNBC then cut to their newsroom.
News Anchor: We don't know exactly what happened there, but we will bring you the updates as they come along. We advise people not to go to Boston, which we would like to remind you, does not have the Liberty Bell.
Gweg: We need to go to Boston.
Satyr: Are you out of your fucking mind? You saw what just happened there. There is no chance in hell I'm going there.
Gweg: You are responsible for all of this.
Satyr: Hey! It's not my fault the idiots in Boston can't tell the difference between a bomb and a lite brite.
Gweg: It doesn't matter. I don't know why I didn't make the correlation earlier. In this day in age you need to be careful with what you put out there. You can't just put up anonymous electronic devices out wherever you please. People are on the look out today for anything suspicious.
Satyr: "Anonymous electronic devices?" They are fucking lite-brites. Anyway, it's really not my problem. My info is not on there, so they can't trace any of this back to me.
Gweg: You said you put them in public places right? Well, a lot of the places you mention sometimes have security cameras around there in major cities.
Satyr: Fuck. Well, what do you want me to do?
Gweg: Go to Boston and fess up.
Satyr: Why can't I just call?
Gweg: Because they probably have a bunch of goofballs calling up to take responsibility for this. You need to go down there and show them where you put these lite-brites at.
Satyr: You are coming with me.
Gweg: There is no chance in hell of me going there.
Satyr: Come on Gweg, I need you there. You are my moral compass. You are the guy that anchors me down to this funny little world we live in.
Gweg: You just want somebody with you when they take you down.
Satyr: Ok, you are right. But come on! Even you have to admit they are seriously overreacting to this.
Gweg: Yes, I agree with you there. Fine, let's go.
Some hours later.
Satyr: Holy shit, this place is a fucking mess.
Satyr and Gweg were in Boston, which was in complete chaos.
Satyr: All of this over a couple of lite-brites.
Gweg: Come on, we need to find an official.
They hopped into their car and drove down the street.
Gweg: According to this map, the Police Station is a few blocks down this street.
Moments later, they heard an explosion next to them.
Satyr: What the blue fuck was that?
Gweg: I don't know.
They looked up and saw a small group of people throwing grenades at cars in the street.
Satyr: We need to get the fuck out of here.
Gweg: You are right.
Gweg pulled off onto another street and and immediately all four tires of their car went flat.
Gweg: Shit! I Think we just ran over a spike strip.
Satyr: We'll be sitting ducks in this car. We need to get out.
They got out of the car. As they stepped out, they heard gunfire.
Satyr: Run!
They ran towards an alley way, but were followed by two men with machine guns.
Man # 1: We'll get you, you terrorist scum!
Satyr and Gweg kept running, they ran into another alley, only to find it was a dead end.
Satyr: It looks like this is it.
Gweg: I knew you would be the death of me.
Satyr: Before we die, I just want you to know, that I have always valued our friendship.
Gweg: Really?
Satyr: Fuck no! In fact, I blame you for getting me into this mess in the first place. I didn't want to come here, but noooo!, we had to do things the "Gweg Way". And now it's going to get us gunned down. Way to go, you ethical idiot.
The two men with guns came around the corner and aimed at Gweg and Satyr.
Man #1: This is what happens when you try to blow up our city.
Gweg put his head down while Satyr gave him an angry glance. Then they heard another man shout..
"Get down dammit!"
Gweg and Satyr threw themselves to the ground as the man who shouted came out of nowhere and gunned the two men down.
Satyr: You just saved our lives. Who are you?
The Man: My name is Jake Brower and I work for CPU and today is the longest day of my life.
Gweg: Thanks for saving us.
Jake: I don't know who you guys are, but if you want to survive, you need to stick with me. There are four more bombs out there. They were planted by terrorists working for the president who is working for a group of men, one whom is my brother, secretly running the country by starting wars and controlling oil and arms sales, while making a deal with a hidden alien race to remove them from the earth when the apocalypse occurs.
Satyr: Who in the hell thought up that cockamamie story? There are no bombs, they are lite-brites!
Jake: This is no time to argue, dammit. I need to find out what time it is.
Gweg: I have a watch.
Jake: That's not how I do things.
Jake went up to a teenager who was hiding behind a trash can.
Jake picked him up and twisted his arm around his back.
Jake: Tell me what time it is, dammit!
The Boy: I don't know!
Jake: Don't make me hurt you!
The Boy: It's 3 minutes till 5 o'clock.
Jake: I don't belive you.
Jake took out his pocket knife and started cutting off the boys ear.
Jake: Are you ready to tell me the truth.
The Boy: Yes! It's exactly 5 o'clock.
Jake: Good.
Jake threw the boy down.
Satyr: Jesus fuck! That was a little extreme wasn't it?
Jake: He did it to himself.
Gweg: What was the point of all that?
Jake: For this: The following takes place between 5:00 PM and 6:00 PM.
Satyr: You are fucking crazy.
Jake: Dammit! We need to locate these bombs. You either help me or you stay out of my way!
Satyr: I'm not going to tell you again! They are lite-brites!
Jake: They are bombs and I am the only person in America that can stop them.
Gweg leaned up to Satyr and whispered in his ear.
Gweg: I'm starting to agree with you, coming here was a bad mistake.
Satyr: How do we always keep running into the psychos.
Gweg: I think it's me. I'm a freak magnet.
Satyr: Yeah, the freaks are always hovering around you.
They looked over at Jake who was talking on a cell phone.
Jake: Dammit, Clea, I need those satellite photos right now! No dammit, it can't take that long, these events happen in real time!
Satyr: Let's inch away from him very quietly.
Satyr and Gweg started to move away.
Jake: You two, hold it! I need you two to cover me while I go commandeer a vehicle.
Satyr: Cover you! With what, our good looks and fists?
Jake: Grab the guns of those two guys there! Do it now!
Gweg: Let's do what the crazy man says.
Gweg and Satyr picked up the guns.
Jake: You stay here and keep a look out while you follow me and cover my rear.
Satyr: Wait a second, who does what now?
Jake: Dammit, just do what I say!
Satyr: Yes boss.
Jake ran out into the road and pointed his gun at the driver of a taxi.
Jake: My name is Jake Brower and I work for CPU and I need to take this vehicle.
The taxi driver got out. He was of Middle Eastern descent.
The Taxi Driver: Sure man, take it, it's all yours.
Jake: What did you just say?
Gweg got worried.
Gweg: He said to take the car.
Jake: Nobody gives up their car that easy, he's one of them!
Satyr: There is no "them"! It's a bunch of lite-brites!
Jake didn't pay attention. He drew his gun on the owner of the car.
Jake: Very slowly, get down on your knees and put your hands behind your back.
The Taxi Driver: I didn't do anything, I just want to get out of this crazy city.
Jake pulled out his cell phone.
Jake: Clea, it's me, Jack. I just got confirmation from one of the terrorists that the bombs will go off within the hour.
Gweg: That's not what he said at all!
Jake: Be quiet! This man knows where the bombs are. And he will tell me.
Jake pulled a hacksaw out of the back of his shirt.
Satyr: He's been running around with that thing strapped to his back all day?
Gweg: You really stirred up some serious shit this time around.
Satyr: I don't know how we are going to get out of this one. Holy shit! Look at what he's doing.
Jake had begun sawing of the Taxi Driver's arm while putting on a tourniquet.
Jake: It doesn't have to be this way. All you need to do is tell me where the bombs are!
The Taxi Driver: Please, no more. I don't know where the bombs are at!
Jake kept on cutting.
Jake: Tell me where the bombs are at. dammit!
Satyr and Gweg looked on.
Satyr: I'm beginning to think we need to plant real bombs just to end this whole mess.
Gweg: That may be the smartest idea you have ever come up with.
Gweg and Satyr snuck away with the screams of the Taxi Driver and the yelling of Jake Brower behind them.
Satyr: Where are we going to get real bombs.
Gweg: We are not. You are going to tell CPU where you put the lite-brites.
Satyr: What?
Gweg: You are going to pretend to be a terrorist and you are going to claim that you've had a change of heart and you are going to tell them where the "bombs" are at.
Satyr: I think I'm, starting to rub off on you Gweg, because that asinine idea sounds like something I would come up with.
Gweg: Don't ever say I'm acting like you ever again.
Satyr called CPU and told them where the "bombs" were at.
Satyr hung up the phone.
Satyr: There, it's done, now let's get the hell out of this fucked up town.
Gweg: For the first time, you and I are on the same page.
As they turned to walk away, Jake Brower stepped out of nowhere.
Jake: Come on. CPU was just contacted by one of the terrorists and we know where the bombs are at.
Satyr: How in the hell did you find us so fast. We hopped in that cab and drove ten blocks away from you.
Jake: There's no time to explain that, dammit. We need to diffuse these bombs now. We need to head over to the bridge that's on the outside of town.
Four minutes later.
Jake: They said the bomb is under the bridge. Help me look for it, dammit.
Satyr: You like to say "dammit" alot, don't you?
Jake: This is no time for games.
Satyr: I know where the bomb is. It's a few feet over there.
Jake went over to where Satyr pointed.
Jake: This isn't a bomb, this is a lite-brite, dammit!
Satyr: That's exactly what I have been trying to tell you.
Jake: You have just compromised this entire situation. We know about these stupid lite-brites with what appears to be a baby Hitler and a siamese twin Jesus. We have four bombs ready to explode in Boston and you have just wasted my time with these stupid toys. Their deaths will be on your heads.
Satyr: You know about the lite-brites?
Jake: Yes. And if the bombs go off, I will personally make sure that everybody knows about how you and your lite-brites are responsible for those people's deaths.
Satyr: Hot damn! You can't buy publicity like that.
Just as Satyr said that, several bombs went off in the city off Boston.
A few days later.
Gweg walked into the apartment to find Satyr watching TV.
Gweg: Well, did you find any buyers for your comic?
Satyr: No. No newspaper wants to print the comic that is connected with the destruction of Boston.
Gweg: Tough luck. Well, once again, it looks like nothing good came out of one of your stupid ideas.
Satyr: Really? Guess again.
Satyr pointed to the TV.
On the TV:
Reporter: Breaking news. Paris Hilton was detonated by the Las Angeles Bomb Squad today after if was reported that there was a strange glow coming out of her vagina. After the incident in Boston, no chances were taken.
The End.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
The Power Pack in "Triple Threat!"
Through odd circumstance, three mighty heroes have teamed up to form the great group known as The Power Pack. Pillz, Primus, and Pero fight for all that is good in the world. Unfortunately, there are evil forces that would like to stop them from doing so! Get ready, true believers, as your heroes face their toughest battle yet
Primus: This is unbelievable. It's horrible.
Pillz: I never thought I would ever come face to face with something as terrible as this.
Primus: I don't think I can survive this.
Pillz: Just be strong. We've been through some pretty tough battles and we can get through this.
Pero: We need to pick up some more laundry soap the next time we go to the market.
The three heroes were sitting in the TV room of their hangout watching the Screech Porno Movie.
Pillz: That's it. I've had enough of this. I'm turning it off.
Primus: I'm going to have nightmares for a week.
Pillz: Well, I think it's time for a good training session to take our minds off that video.
Primus: I hate training!
Pillz: I'm sure the feeling is mutual. You know we have to train to hone our skills.
Primus: I don't see why. I mean, it's not like there is a lot of super villains out there. Besides, we already kick ass.
Pillz: You never know what's out there. We have to prepare ourselves for anything.
Pero: When Mortal Kombat 2 came out, that had two separate ads. One said, "Nothing can prepare you", while the other one said, "Prepare yourself". The two ads contradicted themselves, but it was still an awesome game.
Pillz: See, Pero agrees with me.
Primus: How do you figure that.
Pillz: Because Pero and I already talked about it. He wants to have more control when he hulks out.
Primus: That's nice. But I hate having to go to the basketball court in the park to train. We need to have a Danger Room or something like that.
Pillz: And how do you suggest we fund for something like that? It's not like I'm a millionaire playboy.
Primus: We can be heroes for hire.
Pillz: Listen here, Luke Cage. We are not doing this to make money. We ignore wealth and fame. The action and the fact that we are doing what is right is our reward.
Primus: That's stupid. We at least could get sponsored by somebody. Or become sponsors ourselves. We could endorse Pepsi or Papa John's Pizza. Or something.
Pillz: Whore ourselves out, you mean? What a good idea. Let's start putting ads on our costumes.
Primus: Now we're talking.
Pillz: No. We'll get by.
Primus: We could always sell your comic book collection.
Pillz aimed his ring at Primus and projected a green lion out of it. The lion leapt toward Primus. The lion almost attacked him, but seemed to run into an invisible wall.
Pillz made the lion disappear.
Pillz: How in the hell did you do that?
Primus: I don't know.
Pillz: Your powers seem to change every week. Wolverine claws, then Bullseye-like aim, then this Unus the Untouchable crap. Why don't you generate some good DC powers?
Primus: I don't know what I am capable of.
Pillz: That's what I am talking about. That's why we need to train. We need to know the full extent of our powers. And even more important, the full extent of our weaknesses.
Pero: I'm allergic to peanuts.
Pillz: I'll put that on the list. Right now. Let's go train.
Primus: I still think we need to talk more about finding a sponsor. There must be some organization looking to hire people with superpowers.
Elsewhere in the country.
We find a building. On the outside, it looks like a beaten down factory. On the inside, that is hardly the case.
Inside is the most state of the art equipment you would ever see. Super computers of every sort, prototype suits and weapons, you name it, they have it.
The building went down ten stories below the ground. On the very last floor, was a conference room.
This building is the main headquarters of The Agency. A group that is determined to run the world their way.
In the conference room are six men. One of the men is standing in front of the room, addressing the four men standing at the table. The sixth man, is standing in the back of the room watching the meeting with slight interest.
The man in the front of the room is Theodore Lichton, head of The Agency's Super Human Affairs.
Lichton: As you gentlemen are well aware, there is a new threat on our radar. These three heroes known as the Power Pack are a serious potential thorn in our side. It is up to us, here right now, to start coming up with a solution to eradicating this threat.
One of the men spoke up. This was Agent Travis.
Agent Travis: We already have the answer here in this room. He's standing back there.
Travis pointed to the gentleman who was standing in the back of the room. The gentleman stood motionless, with his hands behind his back. The man was dressed like a character out of a Shakespeare story. His face was tilted upwards while his eyes looked down on the men sitting at the table.
The gentleman was simply the best assassin The Agency had ever seen. The only problems The Agency had with him, were his steep prices and his air of superiority. But those were worth putting up with, because he was efficient at getting the job done.
He is the Jaded Poet.
Jaded Poet bowed to the man who spoke at him and when he raised his head, a sly smile was on his face. Jaded Poet was a man who hardly spoke, but when he did, his words were always met with different reactions. Jaded Poet stepped forward towards the table, and crossed his arms in front of his chest.
Jaded Poet: And so, the seemingly invincible warrior has been charged with a task. The warrior is never one to contemplate the motives of those who would send him out to his commission, but he is not afraid of acknowledging certain specifications which may have been unobserved. For a true warrior to emerge from the battlefield victorious, he must be aware of all things that will greet him on said battlefield. For the blind have never won a war. Those with discernment of those which shall call him enemy are those who stand victorious when the cloud of engagement has cleared.
Jaded Poet stepped back to where he was originally and put his arms behind his back.
Agent Travis turned to Lichton.
Agent Travis: What the fuck did he just say?
Lichton: What he said was he'll not go fight the Power Pack until he knows what they are capable of.
Agent Travis: That's good thinking. But we already know what one of them is capable of. I believe you were behind that failed mission to bring him in.
Lichton: You are talking about Pero?
Agent Travis: Yes. Pero killed many good Agency men when we tried to get our hands on the formula that created him.
Lichton: You're right. We underestimated him. This is the main point I want to present to you here. I want to set up a "task force" so to speak, to engage the Power Pack. By watching them fight, we'll be able to find out their weaknesses and we shall exploit them.
Agent Travis: Who do you have in mind?
Lichton: We will not use are usual people in this matter. We need outsiders. Those we can deem "expandable". I want you gentlemen to research the people listed in the files before you. I want the top three potentials in here for interviews in two days time.
Agent Travis: That's asking for a lot. We'll have to work extra hard!
Lichton: Then I suggest you get started.
The four men at the table left the room.
Lichton went over to Jaded Poet.
Lichton: You and I will personally observe our three guys fighting the Power Pack.
Jaded Poet: I'll be sure to bring my opera glasses.
Lichton: This needs to be done just right. The Power Pack is probably out there honing their powers as we speak.
Now we go back to the Power Pack, who is training on the basketball court.
Primus: Stop it! It's not going to happen!
Pillz: We need to figure out why. You were able to block my attack with the ring, but you are unable to block all of the basketballs I have thrown at you.
Primus: Maybe if you would stop aiming for my head and my groin, we might get somewhere.
Pero: My brother threw a basketball at my groin once. It hurt like hell. We were always playing sports together. His favorite sport was football. My favorite team is the Bengals. I like the fact that there is a football team full of transvestites. My Uncle Max was one. He would wear a bra and a blonde wig and make us call him Aunt Maxine. He was never invited over for Thanksgiving dinner. My favorite part of Thanksgiving dinner is pumpkin pie. I like to put whip cream on it. It tasted good. One time, my brother was sleeping, so I put shaving cream into his hand and tickled his face. He smeared the shaving cream all over his face. He got me back by throwing a basketball at my groin.
Pillz: You would make millions writing an autobiography.
Primus: Speaking of which, we still need to talk about getting some sort of income.
Pillz: I told you we will finish that conversation after we are done training today. Now, brace yourself.
Pillz picked up a basketball and threw it Primus.
Instead of taking the hit, Primus struck at the ball with his fist. When his fist struck the ball, it propelled away with the force of a shooting gun. The ball shot towards a building and broke a window.
Pillz: Well, that was something.
Primus: It was crazy. We'd better get out of here.
The group went back to Pillz' apartment.
Pillz: As far as I can tell, your powers have mainly been defensive in nature.
Primus: Yeah, well they sure didn't come to my defense when we went up against that Reverend.
Pillz: I know. We need to find a scientist. Someone who will take a look at you and do some tests.
Primus: Whoa! I am not going to get poked and prodded around like some guinea pig.
Pillz: Why not? It never stopped you before.
Primus: What's that supposed to mean?
Pillz: It means that I hear you are into some pretty freaky stuff.
Primus: No you didn't. You are making that up.
Pillz: Oh no I'm not. Hey Pero, didn't we listen in on a phone conversation with Primus and that girl? Wasn't there a ball gag and anal beads mentioned somewhere in there?
Pero: Yeah. And he mentioned some guy named Dirty Sanchez.
Primus: You've been listening in on my calls?
Pillz: Not only that, but I tape recorded them too. Thought they might come in handy some day.
Primus: Give me those tapes!
Pillz: I will, as soon as you go see a scientist to get tested.
Primus: But I don't want to!
Pillz: Fine. I'll just be mailing a copy of a tape to your mother.
Primus: Fine! I'll go see a scientist!.
The next day, Pillz took Primus to Professor Pryce, who was a reputable scientist in the field of mutation. After several hours of painful physical tests, the doctor was ready to declare his findings.
Prof. Pryce: I can find absolutely nothing extraordinary about Primus' physiology.
Primus: What?
Prof. Pryce: All of the test came back with no evidence for any type of super-human powers. As far as I can tell, you are a normal male human being.
Primus: But that's impossible. I was able to do things! I had powers!
Pillz: Could it be that his powers are mystical in nature?
Prof. Pryce: That could be an explanation. And with what you said about his resurrection, it would be a strong possibility. I want him to come back tomorrow. I'll bring out some of the more non-traditional equipment. We'll get to the bottom of this.
Primus: Aww, more test, you are killing me here, Doc.
Prof. Pryce: I'm sorry, but that's the way it has to be. Go home, get some rest, and I'll see you here first thing tomorrow afternoon.
Pillz and Primus returned home.
Primus: I think that scientist of yours is a Grade-A Quack.
Pillz: Prof. Pryce is a brilliant man. If he can't find out what's going on with you, no one can.
Pero: What about the goat man?
Pillz: Who?
Pero: The goat man. The guy who made Primus what he is today.
Pillz: Satyr.
Primus: Yeah! Why don't we ask him? He's got to have some clue.
Pillz: I doubt it. The last time we saw him, he didn't even remember you. Anyway, I doubt if he knows or even cares how your powers work.
Primus: It still wouldn't hurt to ask him.
Pillz: If Prof. Pryce can't figure out what's up, then we'll ask Satyr. Right now, let's get to sleep.
The next day, Pillz and Primus went back to see the professor. Prof. Pryce still could not figure out what was going on with Primus.
That same day, at The Agency headquarters, Lichton, Jaded Poet, and the four agents were ready to interview the three potential clients for the Power Pack Task Force.
Lichton: So, these three were the best ones you could weed out?
Agent Travis: Yes. And we have our backups picked out as you requested.
Lichton: Good, bring the first one in, Radioactive Dude.
Radioactive Dude stepped into the room. He was dressed as a cowboy.
Lichton: Please, have a seat.
Radioactive Dude pulled a chair away from the table and sat down in it. He sat with his legs stretched out in front of him, one crossed over the other. He hung his head down so his cowboy hat would cover his eyes. He crossed his arms in front of him and chewed on the cattail weed that was sticking out of his mouth.
Lichton: Please, give us a broad description of your talents.
Radioactive Dude: Well son, it's like this here. I done got bitten by a radioactive cowboy on one of my trips out west. I can shoot lassos out of my wrists, I can stay on bull longer than 8 seconds, I'm the fastest draw on any side of the Mississippi, I car ride any horse, and I have what I call a "cowboy sense" that let's me know when danger's afoot.
Lichton: I see. And what makes you think you can go up against the Power Pack?
Radioactive Dude: Well, it's like this. I done seen the one called Pero in action. There hasn't been a beast born that I couldn't rope and brand, and this Pero would prove no different. And as for them other folk, well some fancy city ring and a case of teenage angst ain't going to stop the likes of me. I'd like nothing more than the opportunity to round up these varmin.
Lichton: Thank you. You may go back out in lobby.
The Dude left. Lichton took a look at the sheet containing the basic information for the next man.
Lichton: Well, he seemed ok enough. Send the next one in.
The next man came in. When he entered the room, the mood of them men changed. Except Jaded Poet, who took one look at the man and shook his head with a smirk on his face.
Agent Travis: Oh my god!
Lichton: Please, sit down. Mr. Evil Gnome.
Evil Gnome: Thank you sir. You may call me Evil Gnome or simply Gnome, I don't mind either way.
Lichton: Ok. Gnome, please tell us about your powers.
Evil Gnome: Oh, how to start? Let's see...this is funny, you know those lawn gnomes.
Lichton: Yes.
Evil Gnome: I can control them. Only when I get drunk though. Sometimes, I have a whole army of them things following me.
Lichton gave Travis and menacing glare.
Lichton: Is this power real or is it all in your head.
Evil Gnome: Oh, it's quite real. Watch, I'll demonstrate.
Agent Travis: I thought you said you needed to get drunk first.
Evil Gnome: I'm almost there.
Evil Gnome reached into a duffel bag he brought with him and pulled out a bottle of liquor. Then he pulled out a lawn gnome.
Evil Gnome threw his head back and guzzled down the liquor.
Evil Gnome: Now, watch this!
The lawn gnome began to move. It began to dance around the table.
Lichton: That's amazing.
Evil Gnome: I can make them do whatever I want. Gnome is where the heart is.
Lichton: And do you think they'll be effective against the Power Pack?
Evil Gnome's face became real serious.
Evil Gnome: Let me tell you about the Power Pack. That Pero bastard killed the only man I ever loved. My lover Sparks! I want nothing more than to get my revenge.
Lichton: Good. Nothing like revenge to be a proper motivator.
Evil Gnome: To quote a great man, "Revenge is a dish best served cold".
Lichton: Thank you. You may step out.
Evil Gnome: Thank you sir.
Evil Gnome left the room.
Agent Travis: I saw the photos, but he is even freakier looking in real life.
Lichton: He was one of the best three?
Agent Travis: Well, there was not that many to work with.
Lichton: You'd better hope this last one isn't a disappointment.
The four men looked at each other uncomfortably.
Lichton: Bring him in.
The next person came in and he wasn't alone.
A man dressed as a clown, came into the room being followed by a female midget.
Lichton: Oh shit! I saw a video of you guys on the internet.
Dealy Llama: That was good stuff, wasn't it?
Lichton: No. It was disgusting. I don't even want to know what your powers are.
Dealy Llama: That's crazy talk! Get a load of this shit!
Dealy Llama squeezed the red ball on his nose. The midget lifted up in the air and turned into a small dragon. Dealy Llama threw a Frisbee in the air and the dragon breathed fire at it, burning it to a crisp.
Lichton: Holy shit!
Dealy Llama: That's right! The Mrs. here can turn into whatever I'm thinking of when I honk my nose.
Dealy Llama then honked his nose again and the dragon turned back into a midget.
Lichton: That's was amazing. You'll have no trouble going up against the Power Pack.
Dealy Llama: You're goddamn right. I'll take those mothafuckers down like they was a pageboy in Congress.
Lichton: That's the spirit. Now, go join the other two and get ready to attack.
Dealy Llama: You're the boss.
Dealy Llama left the room.
Lichton: Now, there is no doubt that they are the oddest individuals I have ever seen, but they will prove to be quite a challenge for the Power Pack. The Power Pack will have to use their full force to contend with them.
Agent Travis: What if they are successful against the Power Pack.
Lichton: That would be even better. Then we would have new people to exploit for our purposes. What do you think, Jaded Poet?
Jaded Poet: Three unique souls have presented themselves for our approval, and I must say, approval they did receive. For when these soldiers march onto the arena of combat, they will be met with the most paramount of foes, but they shall clash until their final breath, dying as they have lived.
Lichton: Well said.
Ten floors above them, the individuals who have just been assigned to fight the Power Pack meet with each other outside of the building.
Dealy Llama: Those guys certainly were impressed with us, don't you agree Mrs.?
The midget nodded.
Evil Gnome: That may be, but I don't quite trust them, I'm sorry to say.
Radioactive Dude: You're right not to trust them. Especially since they are sending us to our death.
Evil Gnome: What do you mean, may I ask?
Radioactive Man: Ask you may. Y'all would do well not to trust these folks. The moment I stepped foot into this here building, I knew something wasn't right. I didn't even need my Cowboy Sense to tell me that.
Evil Gnome: What do you think they are up to?
Radioactive Dude: I reckon they are fixing to set us up against them boys to see how well they fight.
Dealy Llama: That's fucking whack, man. Why would they do that?
Radioactive Dude: The simple fact that this here Agency has plenty of boys that are good at killing. Why hire us? They don't want to send their good boys in until they know what they are up against.
Dealy Llama: Well, I got bad news for them, we are going to kick the Power Pack's ass.
Radioactive Dude: No, we ain't.
Evil Gnome: What do you mean? Do you not have confidence in our abilities?
Radioactive Dude: Oh, I'm plenty confident in our abilities. The Power Pack's too. I have had a first hand seat at the destruction of Pero. There is no way we are going to defeat them on the first try. We, like our employers here, need to know what we are up against.
Evil Gnome: It sounds like you have a plan.
Radioactive Dude: Oh yes, now, I'm going to saddle up and head to my ranch. I want you boys to meet me there.
Radioactive Dude got on his horse.
Evil Gnome: Is it too much to ask for a ride? I have been drinking after all.
Radioactive Dude: Not at all, get on up here.
The Dude turned to Dealy Llama and the midget.
Radioactive Dude: If y'all need a ride, I'm sorry, but ol' Betsy here can't hold any more.
Dealy Llama: Not a problem. I already got a ride.
Dealy Llama honked his nose and the midget turned into a full grown llama.
Radioactive Dude: Well, your Mrs. there sure is a good woman to have around.
Dealy Llama: You don't know the half of it. I got these videos if you want to see them?
Radioactive Dude: I think I'll pass.
On the way to the ranch, Evil Gnome and Radioactive Dude engaged into conversation.
Evil Gnome: You have a good point about The Agency sending us to their demise, but I'm reminded of something George Carlin once said.
Radioactive Dude: What's that?
Evil Gnome: "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
Radioactive Dude: That's a mighty good quote.
Evil Gnome: What if they actually believe we are capable of getting the job done?
Radioactive Dude: I must say, I admire your faith in other people.
Evil Gnome: I guess I'm not as cynical as most.
Radioactive Dude: That's a good thing, it's a hard thing to find now a days. If you are right, then we have two paths ahead of us. We succeed or we fail. If we succeed, The Agency keeps us on their payroll. If we lose, well, we lose.
Evil Gnome: True. I hate to admit, but I think you are right though.
Radioactiveve Dude: Well, we'll just have to see what the future brings.
The next day.
Pillz: I fucking hate Satyr. Why did he answer the phone just to tell us he doesn't like to talk on the phone and then hangs up?
Primus: Well, he's a bit odd.
Pillz: Oh no, he's the model of normalcy.
Pero: I had a model of a Tyrannosaurus once.
Pillz: That's nice.
The trio were on their way to Satyr's apartment.
Primus: I hate the fact that we have to walk. Why did you take the Power Porche to the body shop?
Pillz: It's being detailed. Besides, the walk will do you good.
Pero: I didn't know the parade was today.
Primus: What parade?
Pero: That one up there.
Pero pinted towards the horizon. Pillz could barely make out what was there, but he didn't like what he was seeing.
Pillz: I don't like the looks of this. Get ready.
Primus: What is it? What's going on.
Pillz: As far as I can tell, there are two guys on horses up ahead.
Pero: Three guys. One of them is a clown.
Primus: How in the hell can you see that?
Pero: I have my new contacts in.
Pillz: Just get ready.
The riders on the horizon approached. Soon enough, Pillz was able to make out the desrciption of the riders.
Pillz: This is trouble guys.
Radioactive Dude, Evil Gnome, and Dealy Llama stopped twenty feet in front of the Power Pack. The Dude and Gnome dismounted, as did Llama, who honked his nose and had the Mrs. change back to her original form.
Pillz: Well, Radioactve Dude, it sure is good to see you again.
The Dude tipped his hat.
Radioactvie Dude: Likewise.
Pero: Hey, you're the guy who gave me those video games.
Radioactive Dude: That's right.
Primus: Wait a second, you two know him?
Pillz: Yes, he and I met a couple of years ago. Although he wasn't a cowboy then.
Radioactive Dude: I've been though some changes, you might say.
Pillz: And what brings you here?
Radioactive Dude: Seems there's an agency out there that want you fellas dead.
Pero tensed up at the mention of "agency".
Pillz: So, you are working for the bad guys. I thought you'd be on the side of good.
Radioactive Dude: Well, there's nothing wrong with a man doing good work like that. There's a lot of honor in it, but not much pay.
Primus: Ain't that the truth.
Pillz: Quiet. So, Dude, how is this going to go down.
Radioactve Dude: Well, I figure there's three of you and three of us. Those two over there count as one. I say we do this duet style. It's unfortuneate this is not noon, that's when the best time for a duel is.
Pillz: That's quite alright. Because when it come to the Power Pack, ass kicking is a 24 hour buisness.
Primus: Oh my...
Evil Gnome: Excuse the interruption, but I want to make it clear that Pero is mine.
Pero: Bring it on, freak.
Pillz and Primus glanced over at Pero.
Pero turned to look at them.
Pero: Have you guys seen that movie? This is just like that. Except we are super heroes and not cheerleaders.
Pillz: Yes. It's just like that. Primus, you take on the clown and the midget, I'll take on the cowboy.
Primus: Why do I have to fight two people?
Pillz: It's always interesting to see equals fight.
Primus: What? I'm not equal to a clown and a midget!
Pillz: Shut-up and fight!
Evil Gnome walked up to Pero.
Evil Gnome: You killed my man, you bastard.
Pero: And you want to join him?
Evil Gnome: No, I just want some retribution.
Evil Gnome drank the last of his tequilla.
Evil Gnome: Gnomes, attack!
15 lawn gnomes emerged out of a huge bag that Evil Gnome had carried with him. They descended on Pero, hitting him with their woodden fists.
Primus had walked over to Dealy Llama and the Mrs. very slowly.
Primus: Listen clown, I don't even know what my powers are, so let's just arm wrestle or something.
Dealy Llama: You don't know what your powers are? Sucks to be you loser. As far as arm wrestling goes, well, you are just shit out of luck.
Primus: Fine, let's get this over.
Dealy Llama: What shall it be dear? The machette? Neh, too bloody. Nun chucks? No, I can't use those things. Wild animal? Sexy as hell, but not for him. I know! The Whoopie Cushion!
Dealy Llama honked his nose and the Mrs. turned itno a giant Whoopie Cushion.
Dealy Llama jumped on it, causing a massive amount of air to blow out, sending Primus high into the sky.
Pillz and Radioactive Dude stood ten paces away from each other.
Pillz: I hate to see you like this.
Radioactvie Dude: What, a few minutes away from victory?
Pillz: No. Corrupt. Sold out. Willing to sell yourself out to do other's dirty work.
Radioactive Dude: Well, if the money's right then so is the fight.
Radioactive Dude sent out his lasso from his wrist. The lasso wrapped around Pillz.
Pillz: Were not going to act out Brokeback Mountain now, are we?
Pillz activated his ring and created a giant pair of scissors. It cut the rope.
Radioactive Dude: Well, that fancy ring of yors sures comes in handy.
Pillz: That's right. It slices, it dices, and it even changes the channel.
Radioactive Dude: So, you can change it from the Lifetime Network to WE without even lifting a finger?
Pillz: Nice. A gay joke for a gay joke.
Radioactive Dude: You see, there is justice in the world.
Pillz: Yes there is, and you're about to meet it.
Pillz aimed his ring at the Dude and created a giant bull. The bull charged towards the Dude, but he jumped out of the way in time.
Radioactive Dude: Not much smarts in sending a bull after a cowboy.
Pillz: You're right, how about this.
The green light from Pillz' ring that was in the shape of a bull, now changed into the shape of an Indian. The Indian was carrying a hatchet, It ran toward the Dude, who shot a lasso out of his wrist and got it around a light pole. The Dude climbed to safty.
The gnomes had unleashed a barrage upon Pero. Until Pero began his change. Pero hulked out and ripped the gnomes off of him and smashed them.
PeroHulk: Creepy man's elves hurt Pero. Pero hurt creepy man!
Evil Gnome: I'm sorry for that. As a wise man once said, "Those who fight and run away, live to fight another day".
Evil Gnome turned around and got on Radioactive Dude's Horse. They took off.
Dealy Llama changed the Mrs. back into her midget form.
Dealy Llama: It looks like that emo freak doesn't need to buy a stairway to heaven. He's already well on his way.
Primus was 500 feet up in the air when he found out he could fly.
Primus didn't know how it was possible, but he didn't care at the moment. The fact that he was actually flying made him happy, he flew back down towards Dealy Llama and the Mrs.
Primus: Nice try. Got any other tricks up your sleave?
Dealy Llama: Yes I do.
Dealy Llama was about ready to honk his nose, when he heard Radioactive Dude give out a whislte.
Radioactive Dude: It's time for our retreat Llama!
Dealy Llama looked over and saw the Evil Gnome had picked up the Dude on his horse. Llama turned back to Primus.
Dealy Llama: We'll finish this later, fag.
Llama honked his nose and turned the Mrs. into a big hot air balloon.
Llama climbed in and and the Dude and Gnome on the horse jumped in. The balloon took off.
Primus: I'm going after them.
Pillz: No. Just stay here.
Primus: I can fly!
Pillz: I see that. Just let them retreat.
Primus: Fine.
Primus then fell to the ground.
Primus: Ow!!! What the hell?
Primus jumped up, attempting to fly again. He couldn't.
Primus: What happened? I was flying! This is so not fair!
Pillz: Speaking of which, let's go do what we set out to do and talk to Satyr.
Primus: I don't understand why you let them get away. We were winning.
Pillz: That was hardly a fight. I have the feeling they were holding back. Besides, I got the sense there was more going on here than what was displayed.
Primus: What do you mean?
Pillz: I don't know. Let's just deal with one thing at a time.
Besides several of the townfolk, there were two very specific spectators.
Lichton: Well, that was a huge dissapointment.
Jaded Poet: It seems our group of rouges have not even lived up to our lowest of expectations.
Lichton: We'll deal with them in time. We've got a general idea of what the Pack is capable of.
Jaded Poet: As scant as though that inforamtion is, it is adventageous.
Lichton: I'm glad you feel that way. Let's head back.
Up in the balloon.
Evil Gnome: I hate to add more gloom to this already dismal day, but The Agency will not be happy about what just happened.
Radioactvie Dude: I'm not much concerned with them.
Evil Gnome: May I ask why not?
Radioactive Dude: Well ,they are going to be madder than a branded bull, no doubt, but they are small potatoes compared to the three gents we just faced.
Dealy Llama: Speak for yourself Butch Cassidy, me and the Mrs. could take on all three ourselves.
Radioactvie Dude: The first man to fall is the one whose arrogance has weighed him down.
Dealy Llama: Whatever.
Radioactvie Dude: We'll train hard and one day, we'll defeat them. But I'm telling you all now, those three are the most powerful men on the planet right now.
The Power Pack arrived at Satyr's apartment building.
Pillz: You see why we need to train now?
Primus: Yes.
Pillz: Well, I just hope the trip here was worth it.
They got to Satyr's apartment and knocked on his door.
Satyr answered.
Satyr: What is the goddamn emergency?
Pillz: We just have a couple of questions that we hope you might ahve the answers too. We want to know what is up with Primus' powers.
Satyr: Who?
Primus: Me! Me you goat legged mother fucker!
Satyr: Oh yeah, the whiny bitch. Listen, you got resurrected by the Duce X Machine, so some of it's power must have transferred to you.
Pillz: That's a great explanation. His powers do seem to emerge to help him out with the given situation.
Primus: But how can I control it? How does it know what to do and when to do it?
Satyr: I don't know. You'll have to figure that out for yourselves. I ain't the answer man.
Pillz: I understand. Well, thanks for your help.
Satyr: Hey! While you guys are here, you want to check out this video of a clown with a midget on the internet?
The End.
Primus: This is unbelievable. It's horrible.
Pillz: I never thought I would ever come face to face with something as terrible as this.
Primus: I don't think I can survive this.
Pillz: Just be strong. We've been through some pretty tough battles and we can get through this.
Pero: We need to pick up some more laundry soap the next time we go to the market.
The three heroes were sitting in the TV room of their hangout watching the Screech Porno Movie.
Pillz: That's it. I've had enough of this. I'm turning it off.
Primus: I'm going to have nightmares for a week.
Pillz: Well, I think it's time for a good training session to take our minds off that video.
Primus: I hate training!
Pillz: I'm sure the feeling is mutual. You know we have to train to hone our skills.
Primus: I don't see why. I mean, it's not like there is a lot of super villains out there. Besides, we already kick ass.
Pillz: You never know what's out there. We have to prepare ourselves for anything.
Pero: When Mortal Kombat 2 came out, that had two separate ads. One said, "Nothing can prepare you", while the other one said, "Prepare yourself". The two ads contradicted themselves, but it was still an awesome game.
Pillz: See, Pero agrees with me.
Primus: How do you figure that.
Pillz: Because Pero and I already talked about it. He wants to have more control when he hulks out.
Primus: That's nice. But I hate having to go to the basketball court in the park to train. We need to have a Danger Room or something like that.
Pillz: And how do you suggest we fund for something like that? It's not like I'm a millionaire playboy.
Primus: We can be heroes for hire.
Pillz: Listen here, Luke Cage. We are not doing this to make money. We ignore wealth and fame. The action and the fact that we are doing what is right is our reward.
Primus: That's stupid. We at least could get sponsored by somebody. Or become sponsors ourselves. We could endorse Pepsi or Papa John's Pizza. Or something.
Pillz: Whore ourselves out, you mean? What a good idea. Let's start putting ads on our costumes.
Primus: Now we're talking.
Pillz: No. We'll get by.
Primus: We could always sell your comic book collection.
Pillz aimed his ring at Primus and projected a green lion out of it. The lion leapt toward Primus. The lion almost attacked him, but seemed to run into an invisible wall.
Pillz made the lion disappear.
Pillz: How in the hell did you do that?
Primus: I don't know.
Pillz: Your powers seem to change every week. Wolverine claws, then Bullseye-like aim, then this Unus the Untouchable crap. Why don't you generate some good DC powers?
Primus: I don't know what I am capable of.
Pillz: That's what I am talking about. That's why we need to train. We need to know the full extent of our powers. And even more important, the full extent of our weaknesses.
Pero: I'm allergic to peanuts.
Pillz: I'll put that on the list. Right now. Let's go train.
Primus: I still think we need to talk more about finding a sponsor. There must be some organization looking to hire people with superpowers.
Elsewhere in the country.
We find a building. On the outside, it looks like a beaten down factory. On the inside, that is hardly the case.
Inside is the most state of the art equipment you would ever see. Super computers of every sort, prototype suits and weapons, you name it, they have it.
The building went down ten stories below the ground. On the very last floor, was a conference room.
This building is the main headquarters of The Agency. A group that is determined to run the world their way.
In the conference room are six men. One of the men is standing in front of the room, addressing the four men standing at the table. The sixth man, is standing in the back of the room watching the meeting with slight interest.
The man in the front of the room is Theodore Lichton, head of The Agency's Super Human Affairs.
Lichton: As you gentlemen are well aware, there is a new threat on our radar. These three heroes known as the Power Pack are a serious potential thorn in our side. It is up to us, here right now, to start coming up with a solution to eradicating this threat.
One of the men spoke up. This was Agent Travis.
Agent Travis: We already have the answer here in this room. He's standing back there.
Travis pointed to the gentleman who was standing in the back of the room. The gentleman stood motionless, with his hands behind his back. The man was dressed like a character out of a Shakespeare story. His face was tilted upwards while his eyes looked down on the men sitting at the table.
The gentleman was simply the best assassin The Agency had ever seen. The only problems The Agency had with him, were his steep prices and his air of superiority. But those were worth putting up with, because he was efficient at getting the job done.
He is the Jaded Poet.
Jaded Poet bowed to the man who spoke at him and when he raised his head, a sly smile was on his face. Jaded Poet was a man who hardly spoke, but when he did, his words were always met with different reactions. Jaded Poet stepped forward towards the table, and crossed his arms in front of his chest.
Jaded Poet: And so, the seemingly invincible warrior has been charged with a task. The warrior is never one to contemplate the motives of those who would send him out to his commission, but he is not afraid of acknowledging certain specifications which may have been unobserved. For a true warrior to emerge from the battlefield victorious, he must be aware of all things that will greet him on said battlefield. For the blind have never won a war. Those with discernment of those which shall call him enemy are those who stand victorious when the cloud of engagement has cleared.
Jaded Poet stepped back to where he was originally and put his arms behind his back.
Agent Travis turned to Lichton.
Agent Travis: What the fuck did he just say?
Lichton: What he said was he'll not go fight the Power Pack until he knows what they are capable of.
Agent Travis: That's good thinking. But we already know what one of them is capable of. I believe you were behind that failed mission to bring him in.
Lichton: You are talking about Pero?
Agent Travis: Yes. Pero killed many good Agency men when we tried to get our hands on the formula that created him.
Lichton: You're right. We underestimated him. This is the main point I want to present to you here. I want to set up a "task force" so to speak, to engage the Power Pack. By watching them fight, we'll be able to find out their weaknesses and we shall exploit them.
Agent Travis: Who do you have in mind?
Lichton: We will not use are usual people in this matter. We need outsiders. Those we can deem "expandable". I want you gentlemen to research the people listed in the files before you. I want the top three potentials in here for interviews in two days time.
Agent Travis: That's asking for a lot. We'll have to work extra hard!
Lichton: Then I suggest you get started.
The four men at the table left the room.
Lichton went over to Jaded Poet.
Lichton: You and I will personally observe our three guys fighting the Power Pack.
Jaded Poet: I'll be sure to bring my opera glasses.
Lichton: This needs to be done just right. The Power Pack is probably out there honing their powers as we speak.
Now we go back to the Power Pack, who is training on the basketball court.
Primus: Stop it! It's not going to happen!
Pillz: We need to figure out why. You were able to block my attack with the ring, but you are unable to block all of the basketballs I have thrown at you.
Primus: Maybe if you would stop aiming for my head and my groin, we might get somewhere.
Pero: My brother threw a basketball at my groin once. It hurt like hell. We were always playing sports together. His favorite sport was football. My favorite team is the Bengals. I like the fact that there is a football team full of transvestites. My Uncle Max was one. He would wear a bra and a blonde wig and make us call him Aunt Maxine. He was never invited over for Thanksgiving dinner. My favorite part of Thanksgiving dinner is pumpkin pie. I like to put whip cream on it. It tasted good. One time, my brother was sleeping, so I put shaving cream into his hand and tickled his face. He smeared the shaving cream all over his face. He got me back by throwing a basketball at my groin.
Pillz: You would make millions writing an autobiography.
Primus: Speaking of which, we still need to talk about getting some sort of income.
Pillz: I told you we will finish that conversation after we are done training today. Now, brace yourself.
Pillz picked up a basketball and threw it Primus.
Instead of taking the hit, Primus struck at the ball with his fist. When his fist struck the ball, it propelled away with the force of a shooting gun. The ball shot towards a building and broke a window.
Pillz: Well, that was something.
Primus: It was crazy. We'd better get out of here.
The group went back to Pillz' apartment.
Pillz: As far as I can tell, your powers have mainly been defensive in nature.
Primus: Yeah, well they sure didn't come to my defense when we went up against that Reverend.
Pillz: I know. We need to find a scientist. Someone who will take a look at you and do some tests.
Primus: Whoa! I am not going to get poked and prodded around like some guinea pig.
Pillz: Why not? It never stopped you before.
Primus: What's that supposed to mean?
Pillz: It means that I hear you are into some pretty freaky stuff.
Primus: No you didn't. You are making that up.
Pillz: Oh no I'm not. Hey Pero, didn't we listen in on a phone conversation with Primus and that girl? Wasn't there a ball gag and anal beads mentioned somewhere in there?
Pero: Yeah. And he mentioned some guy named Dirty Sanchez.
Primus: You've been listening in on my calls?
Pillz: Not only that, but I tape recorded them too. Thought they might come in handy some day.
Primus: Give me those tapes!
Pillz: I will, as soon as you go see a scientist to get tested.
Primus: But I don't want to!
Pillz: Fine. I'll just be mailing a copy of a tape to your mother.
Primus: Fine! I'll go see a scientist!.
The next day, Pillz took Primus to Professor Pryce, who was a reputable scientist in the field of mutation. After several hours of painful physical tests, the doctor was ready to declare his findings.
Prof. Pryce: I can find absolutely nothing extraordinary about Primus' physiology.
Primus: What?
Prof. Pryce: All of the test came back with no evidence for any type of super-human powers. As far as I can tell, you are a normal male human being.
Primus: But that's impossible. I was able to do things! I had powers!
Pillz: Could it be that his powers are mystical in nature?
Prof. Pryce: That could be an explanation. And with what you said about his resurrection, it would be a strong possibility. I want him to come back tomorrow. I'll bring out some of the more non-traditional equipment. We'll get to the bottom of this.
Primus: Aww, more test, you are killing me here, Doc.
Prof. Pryce: I'm sorry, but that's the way it has to be. Go home, get some rest, and I'll see you here first thing tomorrow afternoon.
Pillz and Primus returned home.
Primus: I think that scientist of yours is a Grade-A Quack.
Pillz: Prof. Pryce is a brilliant man. If he can't find out what's going on with you, no one can.
Pero: What about the goat man?
Pillz: Who?
Pero: The goat man. The guy who made Primus what he is today.
Pillz: Satyr.
Primus: Yeah! Why don't we ask him? He's got to have some clue.
Pillz: I doubt it. The last time we saw him, he didn't even remember you. Anyway, I doubt if he knows or even cares how your powers work.
Primus: It still wouldn't hurt to ask him.
Pillz: If Prof. Pryce can't figure out what's up, then we'll ask Satyr. Right now, let's get to sleep.
The next day, Pillz and Primus went back to see the professor. Prof. Pryce still could not figure out what was going on with Primus.
That same day, at The Agency headquarters, Lichton, Jaded Poet, and the four agents were ready to interview the three potential clients for the Power Pack Task Force.
Lichton: So, these three were the best ones you could weed out?
Agent Travis: Yes. And we have our backups picked out as you requested.
Lichton: Good, bring the first one in, Radioactive Dude.
Radioactive Dude stepped into the room. He was dressed as a cowboy.
Lichton: Please, have a seat.
Radioactive Dude pulled a chair away from the table and sat down in it. He sat with his legs stretched out in front of him, one crossed over the other. He hung his head down so his cowboy hat would cover his eyes. He crossed his arms in front of him and chewed on the cattail weed that was sticking out of his mouth.
Lichton: Please, give us a broad description of your talents.
Radioactive Dude: Well son, it's like this here. I done got bitten by a radioactive cowboy on one of my trips out west. I can shoot lassos out of my wrists, I can stay on bull longer than 8 seconds, I'm the fastest draw on any side of the Mississippi, I car ride any horse, and I have what I call a "cowboy sense" that let's me know when danger's afoot.
Lichton: I see. And what makes you think you can go up against the Power Pack?
Radioactive Dude: Well, it's like this. I done seen the one called Pero in action. There hasn't been a beast born that I couldn't rope and brand, and this Pero would prove no different. And as for them other folk, well some fancy city ring and a case of teenage angst ain't going to stop the likes of me. I'd like nothing more than the opportunity to round up these varmin.
Lichton: Thank you. You may go back out in lobby.
The Dude left. Lichton took a look at the sheet containing the basic information for the next man.
Lichton: Well, he seemed ok enough. Send the next one in.
The next man came in. When he entered the room, the mood of them men changed. Except Jaded Poet, who took one look at the man and shook his head with a smirk on his face.
Agent Travis: Oh my god!
Lichton: Please, sit down. Mr. Evil Gnome.
Evil Gnome: Thank you sir. You may call me Evil Gnome or simply Gnome, I don't mind either way.
Lichton: Ok. Gnome, please tell us about your powers.
Evil Gnome: Oh, how to start? Let's see...this is funny, you know those lawn gnomes.
Lichton: Yes.
Evil Gnome: I can control them. Only when I get drunk though. Sometimes, I have a whole army of them things following me.
Lichton gave Travis and menacing glare.
Lichton: Is this power real or is it all in your head.
Evil Gnome: Oh, it's quite real. Watch, I'll demonstrate.
Agent Travis: I thought you said you needed to get drunk first.
Evil Gnome: I'm almost there.
Evil Gnome reached into a duffel bag he brought with him and pulled out a bottle of liquor. Then he pulled out a lawn gnome.
Evil Gnome threw his head back and guzzled down the liquor.
Evil Gnome: Now, watch this!
The lawn gnome began to move. It began to dance around the table.
Lichton: That's amazing.
Evil Gnome: I can make them do whatever I want. Gnome is where the heart is.
Lichton: And do you think they'll be effective against the Power Pack?
Evil Gnome's face became real serious.
Evil Gnome: Let me tell you about the Power Pack. That Pero bastard killed the only man I ever loved. My lover Sparks! I want nothing more than to get my revenge.
Lichton: Good. Nothing like revenge to be a proper motivator.
Evil Gnome: To quote a great man, "Revenge is a dish best served cold".
Lichton: Thank you. You may step out.
Evil Gnome: Thank you sir.
Evil Gnome left the room.
Agent Travis: I saw the photos, but he is even freakier looking in real life.
Lichton: He was one of the best three?
Agent Travis: Well, there was not that many to work with.
Lichton: You'd better hope this last one isn't a disappointment.
The four men looked at each other uncomfortably.
Lichton: Bring him in.
The next person came in and he wasn't alone.
A man dressed as a clown, came into the room being followed by a female midget.
Lichton: Oh shit! I saw a video of you guys on the internet.
Dealy Llama: That was good stuff, wasn't it?
Lichton: No. It was disgusting. I don't even want to know what your powers are.
Dealy Llama: That's crazy talk! Get a load of this shit!
Dealy Llama squeezed the red ball on his nose. The midget lifted up in the air and turned into a small dragon. Dealy Llama threw a Frisbee in the air and the dragon breathed fire at it, burning it to a crisp.
Lichton: Holy shit!
Dealy Llama: That's right! The Mrs. here can turn into whatever I'm thinking of when I honk my nose.
Dealy Llama then honked his nose again and the dragon turned back into a midget.
Lichton: That's was amazing. You'll have no trouble going up against the Power Pack.
Dealy Llama: You're goddamn right. I'll take those mothafuckers down like they was a pageboy in Congress.
Lichton: That's the spirit. Now, go join the other two and get ready to attack.
Dealy Llama: You're the boss.
Dealy Llama left the room.
Lichton: Now, there is no doubt that they are the oddest individuals I have ever seen, but they will prove to be quite a challenge for the Power Pack. The Power Pack will have to use their full force to contend with them.
Agent Travis: What if they are successful against the Power Pack.
Lichton: That would be even better. Then we would have new people to exploit for our purposes. What do you think, Jaded Poet?
Jaded Poet: Three unique souls have presented themselves for our approval, and I must say, approval they did receive. For when these soldiers march onto the arena of combat, they will be met with the most paramount of foes, but they shall clash until their final breath, dying as they have lived.
Lichton: Well said.
Ten floors above them, the individuals who have just been assigned to fight the Power Pack meet with each other outside of the building.
Dealy Llama: Those guys certainly were impressed with us, don't you agree Mrs.?
The midget nodded.
Evil Gnome: That may be, but I don't quite trust them, I'm sorry to say.
Radioactive Dude: You're right not to trust them. Especially since they are sending us to our death.
Evil Gnome: What do you mean, may I ask?
Radioactive Man: Ask you may. Y'all would do well not to trust these folks. The moment I stepped foot into this here building, I knew something wasn't right. I didn't even need my Cowboy Sense to tell me that.
Evil Gnome: What do you think they are up to?
Radioactive Dude: I reckon they are fixing to set us up against them boys to see how well they fight.
Dealy Llama: That's fucking whack, man. Why would they do that?
Radioactive Dude: The simple fact that this here Agency has plenty of boys that are good at killing. Why hire us? They don't want to send their good boys in until they know what they are up against.
Dealy Llama: Well, I got bad news for them, we are going to kick the Power Pack's ass.
Radioactive Dude: No, we ain't.
Evil Gnome: What do you mean? Do you not have confidence in our abilities?
Radioactive Dude: Oh, I'm plenty confident in our abilities. The Power Pack's too. I have had a first hand seat at the destruction of Pero. There is no way we are going to defeat them on the first try. We, like our employers here, need to know what we are up against.
Evil Gnome: It sounds like you have a plan.
Radioactive Dude: Oh yes, now, I'm going to saddle up and head to my ranch. I want you boys to meet me there.
Radioactive Dude got on his horse.
Evil Gnome: Is it too much to ask for a ride? I have been drinking after all.
Radioactive Dude: Not at all, get on up here.
The Dude turned to Dealy Llama and the midget.
Radioactive Dude: If y'all need a ride, I'm sorry, but ol' Betsy here can't hold any more.
Dealy Llama: Not a problem. I already got a ride.
Dealy Llama honked his nose and the midget turned into a full grown llama.
Radioactive Dude: Well, your Mrs. there sure is a good woman to have around.
Dealy Llama: You don't know the half of it. I got these videos if you want to see them?
Radioactive Dude: I think I'll pass.
On the way to the ranch, Evil Gnome and Radioactive Dude engaged into conversation.
Evil Gnome: You have a good point about The Agency sending us to their demise, but I'm reminded of something George Carlin once said.
Radioactive Dude: What's that?
Evil Gnome: "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
Radioactive Dude: That's a mighty good quote.
Evil Gnome: What if they actually believe we are capable of getting the job done?
Radioactive Dude: I must say, I admire your faith in other people.
Evil Gnome: I guess I'm not as cynical as most.
Radioactive Dude: That's a good thing, it's a hard thing to find now a days. If you are right, then we have two paths ahead of us. We succeed or we fail. If we succeed, The Agency keeps us on their payroll. If we lose, well, we lose.
Evil Gnome: True. I hate to admit, but I think you are right though.
Radioactiveve Dude: Well, we'll just have to see what the future brings.
The next day.
Pillz: I fucking hate Satyr. Why did he answer the phone just to tell us he doesn't like to talk on the phone and then hangs up?
Primus: Well, he's a bit odd.
Pillz: Oh no, he's the model of normalcy.
Pero: I had a model of a Tyrannosaurus once.
Pillz: That's nice.
The trio were on their way to Satyr's apartment.
Primus: I hate the fact that we have to walk. Why did you take the Power Porche to the body shop?
Pillz: It's being detailed. Besides, the walk will do you good.
Pero: I didn't know the parade was today.
Primus: What parade?
Pero: That one up there.
Pero pinted towards the horizon. Pillz could barely make out what was there, but he didn't like what he was seeing.
Pillz: I don't like the looks of this. Get ready.
Primus: What is it? What's going on.
Pillz: As far as I can tell, there are two guys on horses up ahead.
Pero: Three guys. One of them is a clown.
Primus: How in the hell can you see that?
Pero: I have my new contacts in.
Pillz: Just get ready.
The riders on the horizon approached. Soon enough, Pillz was able to make out the desrciption of the riders.
Pillz: This is trouble guys.
Radioactive Dude, Evil Gnome, and Dealy Llama stopped twenty feet in front of the Power Pack. The Dude and Gnome dismounted, as did Llama, who honked his nose and had the Mrs. change back to her original form.
Pillz: Well, Radioactve Dude, it sure is good to see you again.
The Dude tipped his hat.
Radioactvie Dude: Likewise.
Pero: Hey, you're the guy who gave me those video games.
Radioactive Dude: That's right.
Primus: Wait a second, you two know him?
Pillz: Yes, he and I met a couple of years ago. Although he wasn't a cowboy then.
Radioactive Dude: I've been though some changes, you might say.
Pillz: And what brings you here?
Radioactive Dude: Seems there's an agency out there that want you fellas dead.
Pero tensed up at the mention of "agency".
Pillz: So, you are working for the bad guys. I thought you'd be on the side of good.
Radioactive Dude: Well, there's nothing wrong with a man doing good work like that. There's a lot of honor in it, but not much pay.
Primus: Ain't that the truth.
Pillz: Quiet. So, Dude, how is this going to go down.
Radioactve Dude: Well, I figure there's three of you and three of us. Those two over there count as one. I say we do this duet style. It's unfortuneate this is not noon, that's when the best time for a duel is.
Pillz: That's quite alright. Because when it come to the Power Pack, ass kicking is a 24 hour buisness.
Primus: Oh my...
Evil Gnome: Excuse the interruption, but I want to make it clear that Pero is mine.
Pero: Bring it on, freak.
Pillz and Primus glanced over at Pero.
Pero turned to look at them.
Pero: Have you guys seen that movie? This is just like that. Except we are super heroes and not cheerleaders.
Pillz: Yes. It's just like that. Primus, you take on the clown and the midget, I'll take on the cowboy.
Primus: Why do I have to fight two people?
Pillz: It's always interesting to see equals fight.
Primus: What? I'm not equal to a clown and a midget!
Pillz: Shut-up and fight!
Evil Gnome walked up to Pero.
Evil Gnome: You killed my man, you bastard.
Pero: And you want to join him?
Evil Gnome: No, I just want some retribution.
Evil Gnome drank the last of his tequilla.
Evil Gnome: Gnomes, attack!
15 lawn gnomes emerged out of a huge bag that Evil Gnome had carried with him. They descended on Pero, hitting him with their woodden fists.
Primus had walked over to Dealy Llama and the Mrs. very slowly.
Primus: Listen clown, I don't even know what my powers are, so let's just arm wrestle or something.
Dealy Llama: You don't know what your powers are? Sucks to be you loser. As far as arm wrestling goes, well, you are just shit out of luck.
Primus: Fine, let's get this over.
Dealy Llama: What shall it be dear? The machette? Neh, too bloody. Nun chucks? No, I can't use those things. Wild animal? Sexy as hell, but not for him. I know! The Whoopie Cushion!
Dealy Llama honked his nose and the Mrs. turned itno a giant Whoopie Cushion.
Dealy Llama jumped on it, causing a massive amount of air to blow out, sending Primus high into the sky.
Pillz and Radioactive Dude stood ten paces away from each other.
Pillz: I hate to see you like this.
Radioactvie Dude: What, a few minutes away from victory?
Pillz: No. Corrupt. Sold out. Willing to sell yourself out to do other's dirty work.
Radioactive Dude: Well, if the money's right then so is the fight.
Radioactive Dude sent out his lasso from his wrist. The lasso wrapped around Pillz.
Pillz: Were not going to act out Brokeback Mountain now, are we?
Pillz activated his ring and created a giant pair of scissors. It cut the rope.
Radioactive Dude: Well, that fancy ring of yors sures comes in handy.
Pillz: That's right. It slices, it dices, and it even changes the channel.
Radioactive Dude: So, you can change it from the Lifetime Network to WE without even lifting a finger?
Pillz: Nice. A gay joke for a gay joke.
Radioactive Dude: You see, there is justice in the world.
Pillz: Yes there is, and you're about to meet it.
Pillz aimed his ring at the Dude and created a giant bull. The bull charged towards the Dude, but he jumped out of the way in time.
Radioactive Dude: Not much smarts in sending a bull after a cowboy.
Pillz: You're right, how about this.
The green light from Pillz' ring that was in the shape of a bull, now changed into the shape of an Indian. The Indian was carrying a hatchet, It ran toward the Dude, who shot a lasso out of his wrist and got it around a light pole. The Dude climbed to safty.
The gnomes had unleashed a barrage upon Pero. Until Pero began his change. Pero hulked out and ripped the gnomes off of him and smashed them.
PeroHulk: Creepy man's elves hurt Pero. Pero hurt creepy man!
Evil Gnome: I'm sorry for that. As a wise man once said, "Those who fight and run away, live to fight another day".
Evil Gnome turned around and got on Radioactive Dude's Horse. They took off.
Dealy Llama changed the Mrs. back into her midget form.
Dealy Llama: It looks like that emo freak doesn't need to buy a stairway to heaven. He's already well on his way.
Primus was 500 feet up in the air when he found out he could fly.
Primus didn't know how it was possible, but he didn't care at the moment. The fact that he was actually flying made him happy, he flew back down towards Dealy Llama and the Mrs.
Primus: Nice try. Got any other tricks up your sleave?
Dealy Llama: Yes I do.
Dealy Llama was about ready to honk his nose, when he heard Radioactive Dude give out a whislte.
Radioactive Dude: It's time for our retreat Llama!
Dealy Llama looked over and saw the Evil Gnome had picked up the Dude on his horse. Llama turned back to Primus.
Dealy Llama: We'll finish this later, fag.
Llama honked his nose and turned the Mrs. into a big hot air balloon.
Llama climbed in and and the Dude and Gnome on the horse jumped in. The balloon took off.
Primus: I'm going after them.
Pillz: No. Just stay here.
Primus: I can fly!
Pillz: I see that. Just let them retreat.
Primus: Fine.
Primus then fell to the ground.
Primus: Ow!!! What the hell?
Primus jumped up, attempting to fly again. He couldn't.
Primus: What happened? I was flying! This is so not fair!
Pillz: Speaking of which, let's go do what we set out to do and talk to Satyr.
Primus: I don't understand why you let them get away. We were winning.
Pillz: That was hardly a fight. I have the feeling they were holding back. Besides, I got the sense there was more going on here than what was displayed.
Primus: What do you mean?
Pillz: I don't know. Let's just deal with one thing at a time.
Besides several of the townfolk, there were two very specific spectators.
Lichton: Well, that was a huge dissapointment.
Jaded Poet: It seems our group of rouges have not even lived up to our lowest of expectations.
Lichton: We'll deal with them in time. We've got a general idea of what the Pack is capable of.
Jaded Poet: As scant as though that inforamtion is, it is adventageous.
Lichton: I'm glad you feel that way. Let's head back.
Up in the balloon.
Evil Gnome: I hate to add more gloom to this already dismal day, but The Agency will not be happy about what just happened.
Radioactvie Dude: I'm not much concerned with them.
Evil Gnome: May I ask why not?
Radioactive Dude: Well ,they are going to be madder than a branded bull, no doubt, but they are small potatoes compared to the three gents we just faced.
Dealy Llama: Speak for yourself Butch Cassidy, me and the Mrs. could take on all three ourselves.
Radioactvie Dude: The first man to fall is the one whose arrogance has weighed him down.
Dealy Llama: Whatever.
Radioactvie Dude: We'll train hard and one day, we'll defeat them. But I'm telling you all now, those three are the most powerful men on the planet right now.
The Power Pack arrived at Satyr's apartment building.
Pillz: You see why we need to train now?
Primus: Yes.
Pillz: Well, I just hope the trip here was worth it.
They got to Satyr's apartment and knocked on his door.
Satyr answered.
Satyr: What is the goddamn emergency?
Pillz: We just have a couple of questions that we hope you might ahve the answers too. We want to know what is up with Primus' powers.
Satyr: Who?
Primus: Me! Me you goat legged mother fucker!
Satyr: Oh yeah, the whiny bitch. Listen, you got resurrected by the Duce X Machine, so some of it's power must have transferred to you.
Pillz: That's a great explanation. His powers do seem to emerge to help him out with the given situation.
Primus: But how can I control it? How does it know what to do and when to do it?
Satyr: I don't know. You'll have to figure that out for yourselves. I ain't the answer man.
Pillz: I understand. Well, thanks for your help.
Satyr: Hey! While you guys are here, you want to check out this video of a clown with a midget on the internet?
The End.
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