RIP RyanFromTheShire

Ryan Hansson, aka RyanFromTheShire has moved on from this word and it is a very sad loss.

In the first several years of writing these stories, I would incorporate members of the Adult Swim Message Board into them. These were always people that I had fun interacting with. Ryan was one of those people.

Some of them, I've lost contact with over years, others, I've remained friends with via Facebook.

Ryan was one of them. He and I didn't interact much, but when we did, it was always the source of much enjoyment. His views on the government were always a refreshing read.

Most of all, He was quite the musical talent.



Looking back at the story he was in, ASMB Part 2: The Campaign Meeting, it's a bit deprsssing to read now. In the story, Ryan had the last line. I wish that line had been true.

So long Pal. Thanks for the memories.

Attack Of The Feminazis

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!!!
*This story contains the following, which could trigger stress related emotional responses to the reader: Rape, Molestation, Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines", Abuse, Violence Against Women, Horseradish Sauce On Genitalia, Conversations In Elevators, Bullying, Monsters Under The Bed, Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull, Jesse Eisenberg As Lex Luthor, Indecent Exposure, and Wendy's Being Sold Out Of Frosties.




*The story may not actually contain some of these items.

As Gweg entered the hotel lobby, he realized he had never felt more relaxed. He then laughed at the fact that he had to go to New York City, of all places, to feel that way.

Three weeks had passed since the end of the "Pink Dew" fiasco. Sara had been furious at him for getting involved, but he was able to smooth things over. He had left out a few details of course, but things were fine between them. She was even happy for him when he was asked to attend the 1st Annual Convention For New Reverends.

Sara had agreed to stay behind and run the church while he was away. He wasn't even worried about Satyr, Detective Watterson gave Gweg his word he would make sure Satyr came nowhere near the church or Sara.

Gweg had a blast at the CFNR. He made some new friends and learned some new techniques for delivering the Word.

It was his last day in New York and Gweg was a bit sad to leave, but he did want to get back to Sara. He was back at his hotel to pack for his plane, which was leaving a few hours. He headed towards the elevators to get to his room and saw a woman was waiting for one of them there. After a few seconds, Gweg recognized her. He found her attractive, but never gave her much thought in a sexual way. He liked her for her mind.

She called herself "The HereChick," a witty combination of "heretic" and "chick." She was an atheist YouTuber/blogger. She had recently shifted her focus over to feminist issues. Gweg had seen a few of her videos, while he didn't agree with her atheist views, he did agree with her feminist ones.


The elevator doors opened, she went inside and Gweg followed.

He pressed the button for his floor and asked what hers was, she was on on the floor above him.

Gweg: You're the HereChick, right?

Gweg noticed she took a deep breath and seemed uneasy at the question. She nervously stuck her hand inside her pocket. He was about ready to tell her "Never mind," but she answered.

HereChick: Yes I am.

Gweg extended his hand for her to shake it.

Gweg: I'm Gweg. Well, Reverend Gweg actually, but don't let that discourage you. I'm actually a fan of yours.

She took his hand and shook it.

HereChick: Wow, pleased to meet you.

Gweg: Yeah, I think you are spot on with your views on feminism. I would love to have you over for coffee and talk about it, but I got to get ready for my trip back home, ah, wait a second.

Gweg reached into his pocket and picked out one of the business cards he had been handing out at the convention. He handed it to her.

Gweg: If you ever find yourself in that town, look me up. I'd love to have a nice long conversation with you about how to bring feminism in the church. I know my girlfriend would love to join in on that conversation too.

HereChick smiled slightly and put the card in her pocket. The elevator stopped.

Gweg: This is my floor, it was a pleasure meeting you.

Gweg smiled at her and went to his room. Four hours later, he was headed home.



3 hours after Gweg walked out of the elevator in the hotel, Satyr was walking into his apartment.

He slammed the door shut as he walked in.

Satyr: Fucking cunts!

Mike: What's wrong now?

Satyr: Wendy's. I went there to get a Frosty. I was really craving one. Guess what they are fucking sold out of.

Mike: That sucks man. Don't fret though, cause I found something that is going to cheer you up.

Satyr: Do tell.

Mike: I got Google set up to notify me if anybody mentions anything about "Gweg." I got a notification 10 minutes ago. Somebody uploaded a video and in the description, they mention meeting a guy named Gweg.

Satyr's eyes went wide.

Satyr: Play it.

Mike went to YouTube and clicked on the video. Satyr saw that the video was uploaded by somebody named "HereChick." Satyr wasn't that impressed with her looks.

She started the video by rambling on about some skeptic convention she was attending in New York. Satyr found her voice irritating.

Satyr: If she would keep her mouth closed, she could be some what attractive. What's this have to do with Gweg?

Mike: Here, let me skip to that part.

Mike skipped to 5 minutes in the video.

HereChick: Um, yeah, so, let me tell you all what happened at the hotel. I get onto the elevator, and this guy followed me in. When we got in, he did nothing but stare at me. Then he asked me what floor I was going to so he could push the button for me, I guess because I was too stupid to push it myself. It's a good thing a man was in there to help me work the elevator. And then he recognizes me and identifies himself as "Reverend Gweg."

Satyr's mouth transformed into a huge grin.

HereChick: "Reverend Gweg" then tries to get me back to his hotel room for some "coffee." Uh guys, don't do that. We all know coffee means sex. Don't ask me to join you in your hotel room so we can get it on before you have to make your flight. It is extremely uncomfortable to us when you confront us like that in a small space like an elevator. He's lucky I didn't use my pepper spray, which I had my hand on the whole time. He then has the audacity to ask me to join him and his girlfriend if I ever happen to be in his town. I hope his girlfriend finds out what kind of pervert he is. So, if anyone out there knows "Reverend Gweg," please let everyone know that he is a sexual predator.

Mike stopped the video and Satyr howled with laughter.

Satyr: Oh, this is gold. This is beautiful. Now, we must utilize it.

Mike: How do we do that?

Satyr stroked his chin.

Satyr: Hmmm. I got to give her a piece of damning evidence against Gweg. I'll look through my archive of videos from the camera here in the front room, I may find something useful.

Mike: There's a camera in here?

Satyr: Yep, had it installed after somebody busted in here and killed my goldfish. Fucking bastard. Let me go look, in the meantime, you find out how to get a hold of  Hairy Chick there.

Mike: You got it. May I point something out though: If you are planning on teaming up with her, she may not be too keen.

Satyr: How do you figure?

Mike: She's one of these feminazis, trust me, the very fact that you are male puts you on the shit list, but the fact that you are a satyr puts you right at the the top. You're like a horny male's spirit animal.

Satyr: Good point. I'll figure something out. But I need her on my side, "the enemy of my enemy is my friend."

Satyr went to his room and started going through the videos he had of the living room. Half an hour going through them, he found something useful.

Satyr: Hey Mike, look up Bill Henry in the phone book and tell him we got a job for him and the sooner her gets here, the more he gets paid.



Gweg's flight had taken an hour longer than scheduled, due to bad weather. But not even that was going to damper his spirits. He had no problem getting his luggage and he had called Sara to let her know he landed safely. She told him she had something to show him when he got home, but wouldn't elaborate on what it was.

The airport was an hour away from Gweg's town. There was a pleasant breeze and Gweg drove the whole time with the window down and no music playing in the car. He was enjoying the drive as much as possible.

He wasn't doing this because of his good mood. He was doing this because he recognized something in Sara's voice. Trouble. He knew as soon as he walked in the door, his current content state was going to crash down around him.

He arrived home and walked in the door. Unfortunately for him, he was right.

Sara: Did you share an elevator with the HereChick while you were in New York?

Gweg: Yes. How do you know about that?

Sara: I'm subscribed to her channel on YouTube, she uploaded a video a while ago and she mentioned you. She says you sexually harassed her.

Gweg was stunned. First, by the fact that he wasn't getting hit with anything Satyr related. Second, by the fact that he was being accused of sexual harassment

Gweg: I did no such thing! I asked her if she'd like to have coffee with me sometimes so we could talk about feminist issues.

Sara: You asked her out for coffee? Don't you know that coffee means sex?

Gweg: What? No it doesn't. Coffee means coffee. Wait, didn't they have this conversation like this on an episode of Seinfeld? Look, at no point was I sexual with her. I told her if she was ever in town, I'd love for the three of us to sit and talk.

Sara: Yeah, she mentioned you asked her to be a part of a threesome. I have never felt so embarrassed.

Gweg: What!?! I never said that! Let me see this video.

Sara turned on her laptop and opened YouTube. She saw that HereChick had just uploaded a new video titled, "The Reverend Of Rape."

Sara: I don't even think I want to click on this. What else did you do to her?

Gweg: I can't believe that you are taking her side without even hearing me out first.

Sara: Sorry Gweg, but I do have some trust issues with you now after you promised you weren't going to get involved with Satyr and his shampoo scheme.

Gweg: I did what I had to do to stop him. And you said you forgave me for that.

Sara: Yes, forgave, but didn't forget. But you're right, I should hear your side first. Tell me what happened.

Gweg explained how the elevator meeting went down.

Sara: It's probably just a big misunderstanding. Let's see what this new video is about, then we'll go to her Twitter page and you can apologize to her there.

Gweg: Apologize! I didn't do anything wrong!

Sara: Trust me, it'll be easier that way.

Sara clicked on the link to the new video.

The HereChick was sitting at her desk looking into her webcam.

HereChick: About ten minutes ago, I was sent a video from somebody claiming to be Reverend Gweg's former roommate. I'm going to play this video, but there is a major trigger warning for rape here.

Gweg scowled. He wondered how in the hell Satyr got involved in this so fast.

The video then shifted to Gweg sitting on the couch watching TV.

Gweg tried to recognize the audio coming from the TV, but couldn't. Not until the music started playing. As soon as it did, Gweg saw himself on the video stand up and grabbing the TV controller to use as a pretend microphone as he started to dance.

The music was from Disney's "The Little Mermaid." It was the song "Kiss The Girl." Gweg then heard his voice on the speakers, but he wasn't singing the right lyrics to the song.

Video Gweg: There you see her
Sitting there across the way
She don’t got a lot to say
But there’s something about her
And you don’t know why
But you’re dying to try
You wanna rape the girl

Yes, you want her
Look at her, you know you do
It don't matter if she wants you too
Cause there is no one around her
It don’t take a word
Not a single word
Go on and rape the girl

Sing with me now
Sha-la-la-la-la-la
My, oh, my
Don't let her run and hide
Then you can't rape the girl
Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Cover her mouth
So she won't scream and shout
You gonna rape the girl

Now’s your moment
Take her to an empty room
Boy, you better do it soon
No time will be better
She don’t say a word
And she won’t say a word
Now you can rape the girl

Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Don’t be scared
You got the condom prepared
Go on and rape the girl
Whoa-oh!
Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Don’t stop now
You're a man so show her how
You're gonna rape the girl
Whoa-oh!
Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Thrust along
Then you better get gone
You just raped the girl
Whoa-oh!
Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Better not stay
If you leave her alive then you'll pay
You better kill the girl

You’ve got to kill the girl
Why don’t you kill the girl
You gotta kill the girl
Go on and kill the girl


Sara stopped the video and backed away from Gweg.

Sara: Oh my god! Gweg! That was sick! I can't believe you would sing something so disgusting!

Gweg: That wasn't me! Well, it was me, but that wasn't me singing!

Sara: It sounded just like you.

Gweg: I know, but you heard her. She said she got the video from a "former roommate." That's only one person: Satyr. He must have overdubbed my voice with a sound alike.

Sara calmed herself down. She knew what he was saying made sense. She also knew Satyr would be looking for revenge against Gweg.

Sara: Well, he's got a pretty good ally in his war against you. She has got every feminist on Tumblr, Twitter, and YouTube hanging on her every word.

Gweg: We're going to have to get in contact with her. I need to explain my side and who Satyr is before this gets out of hand. Play the rest of the video, I want to hear what else she has to say.

Sara played the video. The part with Gweg ended and HereChick was back on the screen.

HereChick: Absolutely deplorable. First of all, "The Little Mermaid" is one of the most misogynistic movies ever made. It tells girls they have to change to the patriarchy's standards of what a woman should look like to get a man. It also shows girls that they don't even have to talk to get the man interested, they just have to look pretty. The song "Kiss The Girl" tells guys they don't even need permission from a female to engage in any kind of contact. Gweg just stripped away the pretty paint and exposed the song for what it really is, a rape song. This movie is the epitome of Rape Culture and male privilege. It teaches the viewer that girls just have to be pretty to get a guy, oh, and if you aren't pretty, then you're the villain. But don't worry, because the man will save the day.

Gweg couldn't believe what he was hearing. "The Little Mermaid" was one of his favorite Disney movies and he never once thought it taught him to act that way.

HereChick: In three days, myself, PM Slymers, and the person who sent me the video of The Reverend of Rape will have a Google Hangouts discussion about how organized religion promotes rape culture, especially with men like Gweg being in charge of a church. I imagine Gweg has a pretty big congregation, he has to compensate for a tiny dick somehow.

The video ended. Gweg stood there, completely stunned.

Sara: She does have a point about that movie.

Gweg: You're buying into that? I thought she was rational when it came to sexism. I'm starting to believe she sees it everywhere.

Sara: Let's not get into that now. She is going to hurt our church. We need to get you to be a part of that discussion.

Gweg: Right. Satyr will be involved, it won't be too much trouble to expose him for the liar he is, but who is PM Slymers?

Sara: No idea. I'll look him up.

Sara did a Google search for PM Slymers. They found out he's a biologist who runs a atheist/skeptic/feminist blog site called "Vacant Thought Blogs" it was described as "a place where ignorance and misconception are moved out to create an open mind."

Gweg scanned though some of the posts made by PM himself. He seemed to be on the same wavelength as HereChick.

Gweg: Okay, let's get me into this. Hopefully, they will listen to reason.



THREE DAYS LATER

Satyr stood in the bathroom and checked himself out in the mirror.

Satyr: Damn, I look good.

Mike knocked on the door.

Mike: You ready?

Satyr: Yep, just making sure I look good for the camera.

Satyr left the bathroom and Mike started laughing.

Satyr: I think this is the first time I ever heard you laugh. I don't like it.

Mike: Sorry. By the way, Bill Henry called while you were in there. He wanted to know how the video went.

Satyr: What did you tell him?

Mike: Told him it went great. He wanted to know if we had anymore work for him. Told him not at the moment. Who the hell is this guy anyways?

Satyr: He's a washed up former radio talk show host. He would interview crazy guests and have people call in to talk to them, not realizing that the guest they were talking to was Bill Henry doing a character voice. It was pretty funny, until he lost his mind. Now he'll take any job he can get. He'd wipe your ass for you if you paid him to. I have to admit, he did do a great Gweg impression. Speaking of Gweg, he's still going to a part of the chat nonsense, right?

Mike: Oh yeah, she agreed to let him on.

Satyr: Good.

Mike: You got ten minutes, you ready for this?

Satyr: Oh yeah, this is going to be great.


It was two minutes to start time, and Gweg was getting more nervous by the second.

The past 3 days, he had done more research into HereChick and PM Slymers. Gweg realized he had only seen the mild videos put out by her. Gweg had come to the conclusion that she was out of her mind. She seemed to think that white males had control over everything

Sara was sitting off to the side. She would offer support to Gweg if he needed it, but she didn't like the fact that she was seeing a new side to him.

Gweg logged onto to his Google account and went to the Hangouts chat. It was the first time Gweg ever used a video chat room. HereChick and PM Slymers were already on.

HereChick: Hello again Gweg.

Gweg: Hello.

HereChick: Just so you know, I will be uploading this chat onto my YouTube channel after we are done. It will be unedited.

Gweg: That's fine with me.

Satyr's video box popped up, it was dark, but they could hear him.

Satyr: Can you hear me? I'm trying to figure out why I have no video.

HereChick: We can hear you, we'll go ahead and start. Hello everybody, HereChick here with P. M. Slymers, and "The Reverend of Rape" himself, Reverend Gweg. We also have his former roommate, Satyr, here as well. So Gweg, you want to explain your side of the story. So, go ahead and tell us why you think rape is so great.

Gweg felt his hands curl up, but he did not show the anger on his face. Sara told him that the second he lost his composure, then HereChick had already won.

Gweg: I do not think rape is great. As I will get him to admit, Satyr doctored a video of me singing "Kiss The Girl" to make it look like I was singing about rape. I think rape is one of the most deplorable acts a person can commit. And I speak this as a victim of rape myself.

PM Slymers: What did you do to entice this act of rape on yourself?

Gweg felt like smiling. It was just the start and one of them had just made a big mistake.

Gweg: I did nothing and I believe that was a loaded question designed to blame the victim.

PM Slymers: Well Gweg, I have to wonder if you are really the victim in this case.

Gweg: What do you mean?

Satyr: I already told them about your alleged rape. I told them you indirectly cause the death of a dear friend of mine and how his son retaliated against you.

Gweg could feel his blood pressure going up.

Gweg: There is nothing "alleged" about it. He filmed it. You saw it. He was a psychotic kid.

HereChick: Well, Gweg, I really hate to break it to you, but you orchestrated your own rape by perpetuating the rape culture, to begin with.

Gweg: I told you, I did not sing that song. And that video was shot after I was raped, so why would I being making light of the situation. And even if I did sing it, I think it's my right to be able to joke about whatever I want, especially something that happened to me.

PM Slymers : I'm sorry Gweg. I'm sorry that we forgot to tell you to check your privilege before we began this talk. You think you  have the right to joke about rape? You don't.

HereChick: The very fact that you preach the Bible, you corner women in elevators to see if they'll have sex with, and the fact that you love misogynistic movies like "The Little Mermaid" makes you a part of the patriarchy that encourages the rape culture to thrive. Oh, you got raped, boo hoo hoo. You're like an arsonist who sat fire to a house and the whines about getting burned.

Gweg was furious.

Gweg: Look, I did not corner you in the elevator! All I did was ask if you'd like to have a conversation over coffee. That's it. You made it out to be something it wasn't. And now you've got Satyr feeding you a bunch of bullshit cause he knew you would eat it up. If you would take some time to get your facts straight before shooting your mouth off, maybe you would have found out that he and I aren't exactly good friends and he is looking to sabotage me any time he gets the chance. And "The Little Mermaid" is just a simple Disney movie. Just watch it and enjoy it without trying to find some misogynistic message that isn't even there.

Satyr's webcam finally came on. Satyr was wearing a long blond wig and makeup.

Gweg: Why the fuck are you dressed like a woman?

Satyr: See, I told you he would start gender bashing as soon as he saw me. He did this all the time when we lived together. He would always make fun of my gender nonconformity.  I would tell him time and time again that I did not identify myself as a specific gender because the patriarchal definitions of gender did not define me as an individual. He would laugh at me and call me "Tran Whore" and then tell me to make sure I'd tell guys before they'd rape me that I was really a man, or they would sue me for false advertising.

Both HereChick and PM began shaking their heads.

PM Slymers: Gweg, you are the very embodiment of misogyny. I only wish a dead hedgehog were to find its way up into your anal orifice.

Gweg was shocked at that comment.

Gweg: What hypocrisy! You accuse me of being a part of this "rape culture" and there you go saying something like that. How is that not a rape threat?

PM Slymers: That's not a rape threat. I didn't say I, or anyone else, was going to insert the hedgehog. I was just saying I hope it somehow finds its way up there. Preferably, you do it to yourself.

Gweg felt a flash of red hot rage, but he allowed it to pass over him. He took a deep breath and responded.

Gweg: So, you're telling me to go fuck myself, basically, with a hedgehog. You heard what he, she, it, had to say and believed it all, without any fact checking or investigation of any kind. I thought you two were supposed to be well respected skeptics, but you two will buy into any bullshit story as long as it supports your claims. You won't give me the courtesy to take my statements at face value, and when you;re faced with any kind of argument you can't retort, you just call me names. If you actually knew me, you would know that I am a big supporter of women's rights and that I have never eben used the "C word." You two are pathetic. I'm going to give you one last chance to be rational about this situation.

HereChick: Gweg, are you the author of the "Privileged White Male Manifesto?"

Satyr: Oh my, he has gotten worse since he moved out to be with his girlfriend. Whom, I might add, is a reverend as well. But, the only time she gets to be in charge at the church is when Gweg isn't there to run things himself.

HereChick: And to think, this man is a community leader. Things are worse in your town than I imagined. We need to set up a FemCon there as fast as possible.

Satyr: Should be easy, we have a convention center, but it gets used maybe once a month.

HereChick: Perfect, we'll have it set up as soon as possible, Satyr, I hope you'll be there.

Satyr: Of course.

PM Slymers: I'll be there as well. In fact, you can count on the good people at Vacant Blogs to be there.

HereChick: Gweg,  you are invited as well. Hopefully, we can reeducate you to how the world really is, and help you see past your privilege, but I won't hold my breath.

Gweg: You really need to get laid.

HereChick: RAPE THREAT...

Gweg disconnected himself from the chat. He turned and looked at Sara.

Gweg: Thanks for your help, by the way.

Sara: I'm sorry, but those two are insane. I didn't know what to say to them without them twisting it around to something sexist.

Gweg: And now they are going to be coming to town. Just great.

Sara: We are going to have to do some kind of damage control. I just hope this doesn't get around to too many people.


Satyr logged out of chat after getting the details of the Feminist Convention ironed out with HereChick. He got up from his chair and began to laugh hysterically.

Satyr: Oh, that was the greatest thing ever. That was better than sex. Who knew a feminist could make me feel so great! Oh, this is going to be the end of him. We're going to have set up cameras around the tallest build in town, cause Gweg is probably going to be flying off of it before to long.

Mike: You do realize you are unleashing a pack of rabid wolves in the wild to take out a tamed puppy?

Satyr: It's worth it. I have ruined his morality and now I will strip away his sanity. Teach him to fuck with my shit. And don't worry about the feminists. They'll be here and gone, they will have forgotten all about Gweg by next month, but the damage will have been done. Speaking of which, it's time to start spreading some more seeds of misogyny about Gweg. Got to love the feminists, they think the world is one big toilet and all the men have collectively left the seat up.

Mike: So, where do we start?

Satyr: Their electronic headquarters, of course, Tumblr.



ONE WEEK LATER

Gweg was starting to get depressed as he looked out his Wednesday congregation. Turnout this week was down by 1/2.

Sara had been certain that the video of the Hangouts session, which was titled "The Patriarchy Menace," would not be seen by a lot of people in the community. Gweg did not share her optimism.
He was right not to.

The video had become viral and within 2 days, practically everybody in the town that had an Internet connected device had seen it. Gweg had gotten support by quite a lot of people who didn't buy into the B.S., but those who did, made sure Gweg knew it.

His car had "RAPIST" spray painted on it. Somebody had hacked into the Sexual Offenders Registry and added Gweg to the list.He was getting hate mail, both through email and the actual mail.

He had written a statement on the church's website to explain his side of things. It was met with some very hateful comments.

Gweg was beginning to wonder if this was punishment for killing the Mayor's daughter. He had been able to justify in his mind, she was a junkie who would have died anyways and it was for the greater good, but he was starting to have doubts. He was also wishing he still had some of that shampoo left to use on HereChick and Slymers.

After the service was over, a young man approached Gweg has he left the church.

Young Man: Hey Reverend, I just want you to know that I don't believe a word these people say.

Gweg: Thank you.

The young man had pulled his smart phone out of pocket and brought up his web browser.

Young Man: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this was uploaded during the service.

The young man handed Gweg the phone. Gweg saw the browser was opened to PM Slymers' blog on his "Vacant Thoughts" site. PM had written a new post titled "The Reverend of Rape Strikes Back (Pathetically)."

Gweg sighed and read the post.

Looks like our favorite horticulture of rape, Reverend Gweg, has taken to his church's website to strike back at all the people calling him out on his sexism. Once again, the man who confronts women while they are alone in elevators, sings merry songs about raping and killing, mocks his roommates for being different, is claiming to be the victim.

Oh, by the way, this "victim" here has also been using his position at his church to deliver his personal sermon to some of the young ladies of his congregation, if you know what I mean. A credible source has told me that he manipulates these girls into giving him sexual favors, in exchange for not letting them go to hell. He calls it "an exchange of sin" if these girls have been sexually active, Gweg tells them that if they do to him what they did to other boys, then they will be giving their sins to him, and Jesus will forgive them.

This weekend, I will be in Gweg's hometown for an emergency FemCon. I hope some of the real victims of this situation will attend. We can out a stop to the Reverend of Rape's madness.

Gweg handed the phone back to the young man and thanked him. Sara saw the look of distress on his face.

Sara: Is it bad?

Gweg: Yeah, I don't know what to do. I need to think. You go on home, I'm going to go for a walk.

Sara: Okay, I love you.

Gweg smiled and hugged her.

Gweg: I love you too. Thanks for sticking by me during this.

Sara: Of course. Whe you get tired, call me and I'll come pick you up.

Gweg: Okay.

Sara got in her car and left. Gweg began walking. He had no idea how to fight against any of it. It looked like Satyr had finally won.

Gweg was so lost in his thoughts, that he didn't notice a black unmarked van following him. When Gweg had walked to an areas that was clear of other people, the van pulled up next to Gweg and stopped.

3 guys dressed in ski masks got out and grabbed Gweg, one of them had a rag with chloroform which he used to knock Gweg out. They drug him into the van and took off.


Gweg felt the stinging of ice cold water on his face and he opened his eyes. As soon as they adjusted to the dimly lit room he was in, he couldn't believe what he was seeing.

Four robed figures were standing in front of him. The robes were black and had hoods which up over the figure's heads, hiding their faces. Gweg thought they looked like druids. Their chests had a blue symbol on them, the symbol for the Roman god Mars, aka, the Male Symbol.

Gweg finally regained all of his senses. He found that he was handcuffed to a chair. he was in a small room, the chair was the only piece of furniture and a single light bulb hung from the ceiling. Gweg could see there was another person behind the four standing in front of him.

Gweg: Okay, what do you want?

A fifth person stepped forward. His robe was like the others, except it was red with a black Male Symbol. He was also wearing a mask, a generic male faced one. Gweg assumed he was the leader. When he spoke, his voice sounded like it was talking through a modifier.

The Leader: All we want to do is talk.

Gweg: Before we do that, which one of you is Satyr?

The Leader: There is no Satyr here.

Gweg: I don't entirely believe you. If you would all lift up your robes so I could see your feet, then I would be convinced.

The Leader looked at the other four and nodded his head. They all lifted their robes to show that they all had human feet. Gweg grumbled to himself, he was sure Satyr was behind this.

Gweg: Okay, fine, so who are you guys anyway?

The Leader: We are The Patriarchy.

Gweg: Oh my god. Is this some kind of prank? It's very clever. Now let me go.

The Leader: Not until you've heard what we have to say. The goal of The Patriarchy is to ensure male dominance in society. We have worked hard over the centuries to keep women in their place. It is God's will. You are a man of The Bible, so you know that a woman is the root of all our problems.

Gweg: I'm not sure I believe that everything in the Bible is to be taken literally.

The Leader: It doesn't matter. Woman have proven to be liabilities when it comes to the important issues pertaining to the world.  In our recent history, women have gained many victories, or so they thought. We have allowed them to have these things so they would shut up about it, because nothing is worse than hearing a woman nag on about things. Unfortunately, this proved to be a mistake. No women are becoming CEO's and Senators, and men are becoming comfortable with this happening. We cannot let women be in charge, so we did something about it.

Gweg: And what would that be?

The Leader: We created the modern day feminist movement. We have given women something new to complain about, absolutely nothing. Trivial things that don't really matter. We have studied women and we realized the potential of exploiting their tendencies to blow things out of proportion. It has worked extremely well. Now if a woman gets checked out, she is being "stare raped." Men are starting to once again realize that they are better than women and should not be allowed leadership roles.

Gweg: Do you honestly think that's going to work in the long run?

The Leader: Yes. It's not just the feminist movement we have been manipulating. Our people in the  advertising agencies have been creating a rash of commercials that feature men being total dumbasses while the women are the only ones in control. The Patriarchy is everywhere Gweg, and we are happy to have you as part of the team.

Gweg: I don't want to join The Patriarchy.

The Leader: You are a man Gweg, you already are a member of The Patriarchy! We need you to go this FemCon Gweg. Your very presence will rile them up into even more of a frenzy. And the angrier they get, the more man becomes aware of how much they are surrounded by bitches.

Gweg: This whole thing is ruining my life. If I go to that thing, they are just going to ruin it even more.

The Leader: We can protect you. In fact, we can make this all go away after the convention is over. All they need is something else to distract them away from you, and then we will help your life go back to the way it was before.

Gweg: What would I need to do there?

The Leader: The HereChick and PM Slymers will be having a panel discussion. All you need to do is be in that room while it happens.

Gweg: And you'll make this all go away.

The Leader: You have my word.

Gweg: Fine. I'll be there.

They uncuffed Gweg from the chair and slipped a blindfold over him. They drove him back to the church. Gweg called Sara to pick him up. He told her what happened and she agreed that he should go.



THE DAY OF THE FEMCON

The FemCon had been up and running for a few hours when Mike and Satyr arrived.

Satyr was dressed as woman again, with a blonde wig and a dress on. Mike was there as his "therapist."

Satyr: Okay, let's go check this nonsense out.

The went inside the building. The building only had on floor. It was about the size of two school gymnasiums. There was a wide open floor, which had about two dozen different stands set up.

Satyr and Mike walked around and saw that most of the stands were selling homemade feminist items like t-shirts and ceramics.  Satyr was instantly bored.

Satyr: Let's go to the other part the building, that's where the action is.

The other part of the building featured several different rooms.  Three big rooms and five smaller rooms.

The first room the say had a sign saying "Dunk The Misogynist!"

They went in.

Three women were taking turns throwing a ball at a man in a dunk tank. The first girl missed and Satyr heard the man say something to her. As they got closer, Satyr saw that the man was Bill Henry. Satyr went up to him.

Satyr: What the hell are you doing int there?

Bill: Oh hey, man! They are paying me 50 bucks for the day just to sit in here and get dunked. I also have to mock them if they miss.

The second one missed her throw too.

Bill: You throw like a girl! It's a good thing you are one! Now, quit trying to do man things like throwing a ball and go make me a sandwich!

The third girl threw her ball and hit the target. Bill fell into the water and splashed some on Satyr.

Satyr: Holy shit! That is ice cold!

Bill got his seat put back up and climbed onto it.

Bill: Yep, they told me since I'm going to be a misogynist, that I had to be one completely, so my balls had to stay shrunk up.

Satyr: That is brutal.

Bill: Yep. Good shot little girl! See, having a boyfriend is good for you! They teach you how to handle balls and they can protect you at the same time. Cause you belong to them and no one else gets to touch you.

They women all went over to the ball purchase booth and got some more.

Bill: You gals just love getting your hands on balls, don't you?

Satyr shook his head.

Satyr: Good luck Bill.

Satyr and Mike left the room.

Satyr: That poor bastard. Let's go to one of these conference rooms.

They saw a group of people entering on of the rooms. They followed them in. They saw a banner reading "How To Include Feminism Into Everything."

The panel table only had two people sitting at it. An average looking female and a dorky looking male.

Satyr: Who are those two?

Mike: They are both bloggers on PM's site. The girl is Kris O'Neil. The guy is Dick Holder.

Satyr laughed.

Satyr: I bet he is. Is that really his name?

Mike: Yep.

Satyr: No wonder he's a feminist.

They their seats. Kris stood up and began addressing the audience.

Kris: Thank you all for being here today, we hope you enjoy our presentation "How To Include Feminism Into Everything." We are going to be talking about how feminism can be included into day to day tasks, in any workplace environment, in schools, in public, and in churches. The best way to get people into a feminist mindset is to confront them with it. Saturate them with it so it seeps into their subconscious.

She sat down and Dick stood up.

Dick: Thank you Kris. As a white male who has embraced feminism, I know that I will never truly understand what women go through. But the fact that I know is what makes me a better male. Men will think they understand everything, but they can't. Because they are not women. If any guy out there claims to know how a woman feels, then he is an idiot and we must make sure he gets this. Our goal is to create as many feminist that we can, but those who outright refuse to comply, we must shun them out.

Satyr turned to Mike and whispered to him.

Satyr: If I have to listen to this douche anymore, I'm going to hurl. Let's get out of here.

They quietly got up and left the room. Gweg was right outside the door getting ready to come in.

Satyr: Gweg! Wasn't expecting to see you here.

Gweg felt like tackling him to the ground and beating the hell out of him. But he knew he was greatly outnumbered in this building.

Gweg: Well, I guess I wanted to see what the destruction of my life looked like up close and personal. And just as I expected, you'd be here for it.

Satyr: Don't act like you're the innocent victim here. I got to admit Gweg, some of the things you've pulled, it makes me proud.

Gweg: I did what I had to do. And that's why I'm here now.

Satyr: You're going to bomb the place!

Gweg: I'm not going to bomb it. I'm not going to tell you why I'm here, but I'm not here to hurt anybody. Are HereChick and PM in there?

Mike: No, just a couple of nobodies. HereChick and PM are in Conference Room 3.

Gweg: Thanks, now fuck off.

Gweg walked away from him, ignoring Satyr's laughter.

The part of the building with the rooms was weirdly designed. The hall ways were almost like a maze. Gweg finally found Conference Room 3. He braced himself and went inside.

HereChick and PM were already in the middle of their presentation, which was titled  "Sex Wars." HereChick was in the middle of talking about male inferiority complexes.

PM saw Gweg enter the room.  He waited until HereChick finished speaking and stood up.

PM: Ladies and men, a special guest has just arrived, and right on time to give us a demonstration of a male inferiority complex.

The audience turned to look at Gweg. They immediately started talking to each other. Gweg heard "Reverend of Rape" several times.

PM: Please, come join us Gweg.

Gweg took a deep breathe and went up to the table.

HereChick: Sorry to tell you Gweg. but there are no elevators in this building.

The audience laughed. Gweg himself chuckled, albeit sarcastically.

Gweg: That's funny. Not as funny as saying I persuade my female parishioners to give me sexual favors.

PM: Do you have a hedgehog lodged somewhere, cause it sounds like you're butt hurt.

Another laugh from the audience.

Gweg: You like to tell people, scratch that, you like to tell white males to "check their privilege." You do this with no hint of irony at the fact that your own privilege is allowing you to do this. You have the freedom to sit behind your computer and write all of the false allegations, all of the bullshit arguments you want, then you have the privilege to dismiss anybody that doesn't agree with you. And you seem to be able to do this without any impunity at all. Must be a great life.

HereChick: You all just heard it with your own two ears. It seems women and anybody agreeing with them should just shut up and allow the males to just talk without any kind of opposition whatsoever. Because we are no longer allowed to point out the truth.

Gweg: You don't point out the truth! You distort it! And you just did it right there.

HereChick: No Gweg, your kind are the ones who use twisted language, it's our duty to untwist it to reveal its true misogynistic nature.

Gweg: You are a bitch.

HereChick: Wow Gweg, not even going to try to hide your misogyny anymore. That's perfect.

Gweg: It's not misogynistic if I call you a bitch. Just like in's not misandric if I call PM a fucking bastard.

PM: It's misogynistic to call me a bastard.

Gweg: How?

PM: You are implying my mother was a whore.

Gweg: Fine, then I'll call you a fucking prick! Look, you all want to be treated as individuals instead of just females, right? So, I'm treating you like an individual. I am calling you, specifically, a bitch.

HereChick But you fail to see how you are using a common misogynist word to do it.

Gweg: Fine, then I'll just call you an idiot.

HereChick: You just can't grasp these concepts, can you?

Gweg threw his hands in air.

Gweg: I'm done.

He left the room. As he was was walking out, he saw Satyr and Mike had been in there. Satyr was laughing.

Gweg was so angry that he forgot which direction he had come from. He walked around and found the restrooms. He need time to calm down and thought the men's restroom would be a good place to hide out. He went into one of the stalls and sat down. He was in there alone for ten minutes until somebody else came in. The man went into one of the stalls, Gweg could hear him shuffling clothes around. He left the stall and spoke. Gweg recognized the voice instantly. It was the leader of The Patriarchy.

The Leader: I was in the room Gweg, you did a good job.

Gweg left his stall and saw The Leader standing by the sinks, in his robe and mask.

Gweg: There is no arguing with them and you say you have control over it.

The Leader: You must trust me Gweg, this is all going according to plan.

Gweg was ready to tell him he was full of shit too, but he heard a loud commotion outside.

Gweg: What's going on?

The Leader: I don't know.


Seven minutes earlier, Satyr and Mike had left the conference room.

Satyr: That was fantastic. He's ruined. Where do you think he went?

Mike: Who knows.

Satyr: Let's find the restrooms. I need to change out of these women's clothes. This g-string is riding up my ass.

Mike: Why are you wearing a g-string?

Satyr: If I'm going to dress like a woman, I'm going to go all the way with it. But let me tell you something, being a woman sucks.

They found the restrooms and Satyr started walking into the women's.

Mike: Why are you going into that one?

Satyr: Cause I'm dressed like a woman. I'll only be in there for a couple of minutes, I got my real clothes in bag. Just don't let any women come in here.

Mike: Yeah, like I'm going to tell the women here what to do.

Satyr went inside. He saw a handicapped accessible stall at the end and went in. It was nice and roomy for him to change. He was trying to get the dress unzipped when he heard a knock on the stall door.

Satyr: Ocupado!

Satyr then heard a woman's voice.

Woman: Are you almost done in there?

Satyr: Just give me a minute.

Woman: You sound like a man. This is a woman's restroom.

Satyr: I identify myself as the female gender.

Woman: Then I apologize.

Satyr: You do know there are other stalls, right?

Woman: I need the handicapped one.

Satyr: Fine, I'll hurry up.

Satyr finally got the dress off and put on his trench coat.

He stepped out and saw a perfectly healthy woman standing there.

Satyr: I thought you were handicapped.

Woman: I suffer from PTSD from hurtful comments I received on Twitter.

Satyr: That doesn't make you handicapped. Mentally maybe, but not physically.

Woman: Do no dismiss my suffering. Wait a second, are you naked under that coat? Oh my god, I'm being harassed in the women's bathroom. Not even the FemCon is safe anymore.

Satyr: I'm a satyr, lady. We usually don't wear clothes. You're not going to see my penis unless I'm sexually aroused, and since you're the only woman in here, we don't have to worry about that.

Woman: You are such a pig. Get out now.

Satyr: I'm leaving.

Woman: Hurry it up.

Satyr: I'm already walking towards the door. You don't have to be so bossy about it.

Satyr saw the woman's face contort into something of pure rage.

Woman: What did you just say?

Satyr: I said "you don't have to be bossy about it." I'm going.

The woman let out a scream and ran out the door.

Mike ran in.

Mike: What happened?

Satyr: I have no idea.

They walked out the restroom and saw the woman at the end of the hall talking to other women. The women saw Satyr and Mike and they shouted.

Women: KILL ALL MEN!

The women started running towards Satyr and Mike.

Satyr: Let's get the fuck out of here!

They took off. The women ran past the restrooms. Seconds later, Gweg and The Leader came out.

The Leader: Sounded like somebody was shouting.

Gweg: Wonder what it was.

The heard what it was a second later. Somebody was clearly shouting "Kill all men." Gweg and The Leader went to the end of the hall and saw a gruesome sight. Two woman had a hold of a man and were clawing his throat out with their fingernails.

Gweg: Holy shit!

The Leader: My van is parked out in the alley, we need to find the exit.

Gweg: Come on.


Satyr and Mike had found themselves back at the front of the building. All of the women seemed to be chanting "Kill all men" in unison. The tables had all been turned over and the big room was in complete chaos. Women were attacking any man that had the misfortune of being there.

Satyr: Well, we can't get out that way. Hopefully there is a out the back.

Mike: There's a rear exit and an exit out to the alleyway.

Satyr: What about the roof, can we escape out there?

Mike: No, the only way to get to the roof is to use a ladder outside. See, I told you studying the floor plans to this building would come in handy.

Satyr: Indeed. Let's take the rear exit.

The ran down the hall, Mike stumbled a bit and fell behind. Satyr had just ran past a conference room door when four women came running out, one of them was holding a man's decapitated head. They were screaming "Kill all men!"

Satyr took off and Mike had no choice to run in a different direction. He made his was to the back of the building. Dick Holder was standing in front of the rear exit..

Mike: What are you standing blocking the door for? They are going to kill us all!

Dick: Only the men who oppress them. I am on their side. They won't harm me.

Three women had come around the corner. One of them was Kris O'Neil.

Dick: Ah, Kris, I've got one of them here for you. I'm not going to let them escape.

Kris and the other three women just stood there and stared. Finally, Kris spoke.

Kris: Kill all men.

They ran forward and took down Dick. One of them bit into his neck, blood sprayed out.

Mike heard him utter out a weak "help me" before the blood filled his mouth. Mike had used the distraction to run out of the back door. He took off running and didn't look back.


Gweg and The Leader had found the exit to the alley. They made it out just time, as two women arrived to guard the door.

They got into the ally and saw a dismal sight.

At one end of the alley was a dead end, with no way to go. On the other end, was The Leader's van. It was tipped over and had been set on fire. There was no way around it. The building next to the convention center had no door or windows on this side.

Gweg: Great, now we're trapped out here.

The Leader: Maybe we can wait it out here.

Gweg: What about those four guys that were with you when you kidnapped me?

The Leader: They were inside. One of them was that guy we saw getting killed.

Gweg: Oh great.



Satyr had found himself in the dunk tank room. The three girls that were in there previously had surrounded the tank and were trying to get Bill Henry out of it. Satyr picked up three baseballs.

Satyr: Hey ladies, want to feel my balls?

They turned to look at him, they hissed as they saw him. Satyr threw the baseballs and knocked out each woman with a direct hit to the head.

Satyr: Sorry ladies, but I'm a guy and I know how to throw.

Bill climbed out of the tank.

Bill: Thank you. I thought they were going to kill me,

Satyr: They were. Something set them off and now they are out for blood. Men's blood.

Bill: How are we going to get out of here?

Satyr: I think the exit to the alley is down the hall and to the right, then we make a left at the end of that hall.

Satyr peeked out the door.

Satyr: Okay, the coast is clear.

They went down the halls. They got to the end of the second one and saw the exit to the alley in the hall around the corner. There were two women guarding it.

Satyr: Damn it, I should have brought those balls. I got nothing to use to take them down.

Bill: Maybe we can attack them.

Satyr: They probably got tasers. I got an idea.

Satyr reached into his bag and pulled out his dress and wig.

Satyr: Here, put these on and do one of your women voices. We'll do the "Wookie Prisoner Trick." You pretend to be a woman and I'm your prisoner that you're taking outside.

Bill: That may work.

Bill hurried up and put the dress and wig on. He grabbed Satyr by the hands and led him to the door. He then spoke using one of his female character voices.

Bill: Look out ladies, got a wild man here. Going to take him outside and show him what for.

The two women looked skeptically at Bill.

Satyr pulled his hands away from Bill and ripped the wig off and pushed him towards the women.

Satyr: It's a man! Kill him!

They grabbed out at Bill but he was able to dodge them. Bill took off running away from Satyr and the women. The women chased after him.

Bill had made it to the end of the hall, but the women had grabbed him. The wrestled him to the ground, one woman took out her nail file and stabbed it into Bill's eye. He let out a terrible scream. The other woman reached down at Bill's crotch and began to twist.


Satyr had seen enough, he ran out into the alley. He was surprised to see Gweg and somebody in a costume standing out there.

Satyr: Gweg! We have to get out of here!

Gweg: Don't you think we would if we could. We're trapped out here.

Satyr saw the dead end and the van.

Satyr: Hold on.

Satyr went back into the building.

The Leader: What is he doing?

Gweg: Knowing him, he probably trying to sell us out, so get ready.

Satyr returned several seconds later, holding a ladder.

Gweg: Where did you get that?

Satyr: There was a maintenance room right across from the door here, didn't you see it?

Gweg: No actually.

Satyr: Then be glad I was here. Here, here's a screwdriver and a hammer. They may come in handy.

Satyr sat the ladder up on the side of the building. He started climbing up.

Gweg: You're going up on the roof?

Satyr: Duh, this ladder is the only way to get up there. They won't look for us there. We can get to the other side of the building and climb and run to my car which is parked up front.

The Leader: Good idea.

They all climbed up onto the ladder. Satyr pulled it onto the roof and carried it to the other side of the building. He sat it down and walked to the front. Satyr took one look over the edge and backed away.

Satyr: Problem. There is a group of women standing in front of the entrance. We may not be able to get past them.

Gweg and The Leader looked over the side.

The Leader: Shit.

One of the women heard him and looked up. She pointed and screamed.

Gweg: Damn it. Now they know we're up here. We really are trapped now. Wait, who's got a cell, I left mine in my car. We'll call the police.

The Leader pulled out his cell and handed it to Gweg. Gweg phoned 911. They told Gweg they were aware of the situation and they were on they were gathering up the manpower to deal with it.

Gweg: We may not have much time.

Satyr was on his phone talking to Mike. He ended the call and frowned.

Satyr: Mike made it out, but he's already a mile away. He can't help us. Before we die, would you mind telling me who in the hell this guy is.

Gweg: He's the Leader of The Patriarchy.

The Leader let out a heavy sigh.

The Leader: If this is our last moments on earth, you might as well know the truth.

The Leader took his hood down and removed his mask. Gweg realized he shouldn't have been surprised, but he was anyways.

The Leader was PM Slymers.

Gweg: What hell, you've been playing both sides?

PM: Yes. Look Gweg, there is no real Patriarchy. It's just something I came up with to get guys to be more mean to women.

Gweg: Why?

PM: To get laid of course! I get guys to be assholes to these repressed chicks and I get to be the White Knight. They say they don't need men, but come on, we know they do.

Gweg: No they don't. But people do need people. If we'd all just realize that everybody gets offended by something and that we all have things that make us feel weak, maybe we could learn just to be nicer to each other.

Satyr started laughing.

Gweg: There's always going to be sociopaths that want to fuck the whole thing up, but we have to remember they are the exception, not the rule. I may have forgotten that recently and I have done things I'm not proud of, but I know I can change for the better.

PM: That's a all in well Gweg, but remember we are about ready to die. We need something to distract them. I suggest we throw the satyr at them and run to his car while they are distracted.

Satyr: What the fuck? Why me? If we should throw anybody down there it should be you.

The chant of "Kill All Men" was getting bigger. Satyr looked over the edge.

Satyr: There's more of them now, if we are going to do something it better be now.

PM walked up to the edge.

PM: Ladies, there is a satyr up here. He is the very symbol of horny white men. I offer him to you as a sacrifice.

PM turned around to Gweg and pulled out the screwdriver.

PM: Shall we?

Gweg pulled out his hammer and nodded.

PM walked towards Satyr. Gweg threw the hammer and hit PM in the side.

PM: What are you doing?

Satyr ran to PM and pushed him over the edge. The women swarmed around him. He was able to yell out his final words.

PM: I don't want to die a virgin!

They started to tear him limb from limb. Gweg ran to the egde, holding the ladder.

Gweg: Let's go.

The quickly climbed down and ran to the car, which looked like a modified 60's Batmobile. They got in, but one of the women spotted them and had caught up to them before they could leave.

Gweg: Go! Go!

Satyr started the the car and took off, The woman grabbed onto the spoiler on the4 back of the car and started pulling herself onto the car.

Gweg: It's HereChick!

HereChick was screaming "Kill All Men." Satyr sped out of the parking and started swerving on the road.

Gweg: She's still holding on.

Satyr: Brace yourself.

Satyr slammed on the breaks. HereChick flipped over and grabbed onto to Gweg's seat.

Satyr: Quick, pull out your dick!

Gweg: What?

Satyr: The white male dick is the feminists only weakness. Hurry. HereChick stood up.

HereChick: KILL ALL MEN!

She pulled out a sword. Gweg pulled out his.

HereChick took one look at Gweg's dick and began to scream. Her face began to melt away.

HereChick: I'm melting. I'm melting. What a male dominated world!

She completely melted away.

Satyr: Uh, I didn't think that would actually work.

They heard sirens in the background.

Gweg: Finally the police are getting there. Good.

Satyr: That's a sentiment that's rarely heard nowadays. Ah, this was just like old times, wasn't it Gweg?

Gweg: Yeah it was. Please don't remind me.

Satyr: So, why did you turn on PM.

Gweg: Even though he was the lesser of two evils, he was still a colossal douchebag. I just really hated that guy. But this doesn't change anything between us.

Satyr smiled.

Satyr: I would have missed you too Gweg.  Let's make an amendment to this war. No trying to kill each other.

Gweg thought it over.

Gweg: Fine. But I will stop whatever plans you may have. Every time.

Satyr: I'm looking forward to it.

They shook hands.

Satyr dropped Gweg off at his house.

Satyr: Till next time!

He drove away. Gweg walked inside.

Sara was jumped of the couch when he walked in. She ran over to him and hugged.

Sara: Oh my god, it's been all over the news. I thought you might have been dead. I tried calling your cell but there was no answer.

Gweg: It's in my car, it's still at the convention center. I need a drink and I'll tell you all about it.

Gweg told her what happened. She hugged him afterwards.

Sara: My nerves are shot, I'm going to take a bath. Care to join me?

Gweg: I would love to, but I my heart's still beating too fast as it is.

Sara smiled. Well, if you change your mind...

Sara walked away, taking her shirt off.

Gweg watched after go. He would go join her in a minute, but he wanted to check out something first.

Gweg logged onto his computer and went to Tumblr. He looked at some of the feminists blogs.

They were blaming the whole incident at that convention center on "The Patriarchy." Gweg shook his head as he closed out the web browser.

Gweg: Fucking cunts.

THE END

Breaking Satyr

Satyr stood in the middle of the empty field and held his smart phone up in front of him. He opened the video camera app and pressed record.

Satyr: My name is Pollyknuckle Applebee. I am recording this video to let everyone know, that yes, while I did have a hand in all that has transpired, I am not the one to shoulder the blame. This is all Gweg's fault.

(For Maximum Story Effect, listen to this: http://youtu.be/HEmx23LwFhI as you look at the title picture.)




ABOUT ONE MONTH EARLIER

Gweg walked out of the church and actually stopped to smell the fresh air. Gweg had not seen or heard from Satyr 5 months. He felt like he was truly getting a fresh start.

He heard a voice from behind him. He recognized it instantly. The voice of a former adversary now turned friend.

Det. Watterson: Hello Reverend. Great service today.

The Detective stuck out his hand and Gweg shook it with a big smile on his face. Ever since turning his life around and cutting off ties with Satyr, Gweg found he was able to make friends a lot easier. And actual normal friends for that matter.

Watterson had been a skeptic of Gweg's new found faith and Church leadership, but he quickly discovered that Gweg was sincere. Gweg's efforts to bring down Satyr helped convince him.

Gweg: Thank you, Gary. I'm curious on how the Pink Dew Shampoo investigation is doing.

Watterson hung his head.

Watterson: We're are exactly where we were last week: nowhere. Hell, I'm still trying to wrap my head around the whole thing. A shampoo that gets people high. The Mayor is all over me about this. We are getting more reports of increased sales. It's become a headache.

The Detective let out a long drawn sigh.

Gweg: I have warned my congregation about this shampoo. I also told them if they heard anything about it or this Schwarzkopf guy, they should inform you immediately.

Watterson: I appreciate that. This drug kingpin, this Schwarzkopf, he knows what he's doing. We've got a genuine criminal mastermind on our hands.



Jimmy Green was parked in the driveway for 2 minutes until he realized it belonged to his next-door neighbors. He had a habit of doing this when he was stoned. He backed out and pulled into his driveway. He retrieved the grocery bag from the passenger side and called out towards the house.

Jimmy: Yo, Mr. Schwarzkopf, I got the stuff! Let's make some shampoo!

5 seconds later, "Schwarzkopf" came storming out of the house.

Schwarzkopf: How many times do I have to tell you not to use that name? That name is only used when we are doing business with other people. Here, and anywhere else, you call me Mr. Satyr.

Jimmy: Yeah, sorry about that Mr. Satyr. Yo, I got it, how about I just call you Mr. S.? That way it can stand for Satyr and Schwarzkopf. At least I think Schwarzkopf is spelled with an S.

Satyr: Fine, whatever gets you to stop saying the name. Oh yeah, and ix-nay on the ampoo-shay.

Jimmy pulled out the shopping list that was in his pocket.

Jimmy: I don't see any of that stuff written down here. Do I need to go back, cause I didn't pick that stuff up?

Satyr grabbed the list out of Jimmy's hand.

Satyr: Just get the stuff into the house and stop shouting my name or anything about shampoo.

Jimmy: You got it Mr. S.

Jimmy felt good for remembering to call him Mr. S. He held up a fist in order for Satyr to bump it. Satyr sighed and gave it up.

Jimmy: Ya dawg! Let's brew some Pink Dew!

Satyr fought back the urge to strangle him and followed him inside.

Mike-El was already inside, setting up the equipment.

Jimmy: Yo Mike, I got the stuff! I ran into a couple of friends down at the store and they think Pink Dew is the mad bomb, yo! So, Mike, I know you take care of the interview process and these two guys are all about wanting to sell our product. So, you want I should bring them over?

Mike looked over at Satyr. Satyr just glared.

Mike: Uh, no, I'll go see them, Jimmy. I'll let you know when I decide to meet them. Now, can you go into the kitchen and get the electric mixer?

Jimmy: Sure thing Mike!

Jimmy left the room. Mike knew what was coming next.

Satyr: Why in the hell did I agree to let you hire him?

Mike: Neither of us know anything about selling drugs. This guy does. He's been a big help in that department.

Satyr: That's the only reason why I haven't terminated him yet. Because in all other departments, the guy is a total moron.

Mike: Just bear with him.

Jimmy came back into the room, carrying a blender.

Jimmy: Yo, got the electric mixer!

If looks could kill, Satyr would have been the only one left standing in the room.



Wednesday night's church services always had the lowest number of attendance, but it always had one special member, the Mayor of town. Gweg felt a strong sense of pride in this. Especially since he voted for him,

After service was over, he Mayor approached Gweg.

Mayor: Reverend, could I have word with you. It is of a personal matter.

Gweg: Of course Mayor, come into my chambers.

They went into the back of the church, where Gweg and Sara kept their office.

Gweg: What can I help you with Mayor?

Mayor: It's about my daughter, Nicole. She has become addicted to this new drug. This shampoo. They call it "Pink Dew." I don't know if you have heard of it?

Gweg: I have, it is terrible stuff.

Mayor: Indeed. I am beside myself with this. She's a good girl, but this stuff is destroying her. I must ask you a favor.

Gweg: Name it.

Mayor: I want to bring her here. Reintroduce her to the church. She hasn't been here since she was 13. We thought she was old enough to make her own decision on it at the time. She chose not to go. 5 years later, and now she's addicted to drugs.

Gweg: I will help in any way I can.

An hour later, Gweg was home with Sara.

Gweg: I really hope I can help the Mayor's daughter. This may be a test. If I can get through to her, then I know I'm on the right path.

Sara: If you can't get through to her, don't take it as a personal defeat. Some people cannot be helped.

They shared a knowing look.

Sara: Speaking of which, we are both in agreement that Satyr is this Schwarzkopf guy.

Gweg: Of course he is. I just can't believe it took him this long to get into illegal drugs.

Sara: Shampoo is not exactly illegal, though, is it?

Gweg: Watterson said they found illegal substances in the sample they collected. He also said Satyr was the first person he investigated. They came up with nothing.

Sara: I know what you're thinking Gweg. So I'm going to tell you this: let it go.

Gweg: What do you mean?

Sara: I know you're going to want to stop him yourself. But Gweg, these people are making their own choice to use this stuff. It might be illegal, but they aren't harming anybody. They are only doing it to themselves. Satyr is leaving us alone. We should leave him alone. He'll screw up eventually. He'll get caught. So stay out of this one. And before you argue, I want  you to think about why you really want to go after him. Is it to help the people that are hooked on the shampoo? Or is it the fact that you don't like him getting away with something.?

Gweg was taken aback. But once he gave it a thought, he knew she had a point.

Gweg: You're right. I'll sit this one out.

Sara: I'm proud of you. Now, let's just worry about helping the Mayor's daughter.



Three days later, Satyr, Jimmy, and Mike stood out in an open field, awaiting the arrival of some competitors in the drug trade. Satyr was hoping to make a deal with them.

Satyr: Remember Jimmy, you let me do the talking this time. No more outbursts like last time.

Jimmy: I'll be quiet as a mouse Mr. S. Silence, bitch!

Satyr growled. He saw a car approaching.

Satyr: Okay guys, it's showtime.

Satyr put on a fedora and black sunglasses. It was part of his Schwarzkopf persona.

The car pulled up. 3 guys came out. 2 of them were armed. Satyr anticipated this. Mike and Jimmy were carrying firearms as well. If all goes correctly, no one would have to worry about a thing.

The unarmed guy stood 50 feet away from Satyr. Satyr assumed he was the head honcho of the group, a guy named Gilligan.

Gilligan: So, what are we doing out here? Cause I got to tell you, my biggest pet peeve is people wasting my time.

Satyr: I'll tell you exactly what we are doing out here. This.

Satyr threw a bottle of shampoo towards Gilligan.

Gilligan: What this? Are we washing each other's hair? If I wanted a spa treatment, I'd go to a spa. I wouldn't come out here to this sausage fest in the middle of a field.Give me one good reason why we shouldn't just kill you all now and go one with our day?

Satyr pointed to the bottle of shampoo on the ground.

Satyr: You know what that is. I know you know. Because I also know you've been trying to duplicate it. I'll tell you this. You can't. There is only one guy that knows the formula for Pink Dew. And that's me.

Gilligan: My stuff may not be as good, but it works well enough. So, how about I just get rid of you and then make my stuff the best on the market.

Satyr: Marvel and DC. I don't know about you, but I'd hate to live in a world without Marvel.

Gilligan: Well, that's okay with me, cause DC's better.

Satyr: What are you talking about? Marvel clearly has the best comics.

Gilligan: You're going to stand there and tell me that Marvel has a better character than either Batman or The Joker.

Satyr: I'll grant you those are two great characters. Maybe even the best. But we have to look at the bigger picture and Marvel clearly trumps DC.

Gilligan: Superman could kick the Hulk's ass.

Satyr: That all depends on the location. Now if Superman were to...

Mike let out a loud cough.

Mike: Gentlemen. please.

Satyr: You're right Mike. Where the hell were we? Oh yeah, look, I got a better offer for you. You guys stop making that second grade, rip-off crap and start working for me. Your profits will increase. Here, I have some charts and graphs that will show what I'm talking about.

Satyr walked over and handed him the charts and graphs. Gilligan looked over them, impressed.




Gilligan: Okay. I'll bite. Tell me, just who in the hell are you anyways?

Satyr: You know who I am. Now say my name.

Gilligan: I don't know man. Schwarzenegger or some shit.

Satyr: You know that's not it. It's a name that has kept you up nights. A name associated with the fastest growing drug empire since McDonald's. A name that is linked to murder and mayhem. Now, say my name.

Gilligan. Pollyknuckle Applebee.

Satyr: You're god damn ri....wait, how the fuck do you know my real name?!?

Gilligan: I got it off some website this preacher runs. He's got a whole page dedicated to keeping people away from you.

Satyr turned to Mike.

Satyr: Did you know about this? That son of a bitch!

Mike: I had no idea.

Satyr: Whatever. I'm done with him. He wants to make an ass of himself, that's his prerogative. So, it's a deal then?

Gilligan: Yeah,  "Schwarzkopf," you got yourself a deal.

They shook hands.

Jimmy: Yo, can we go to a comic book store? Cause I like really want to read some now.

Satyr: For once Jimmy, you have a good idea. You coming, Gilligan? I'll show you how Marvel Comics reigns supreme over Detective Comics Comics.

Jimmy: It's on.

They got into their cars and headed into town.


Gweg was out on his afternoon jog. It was a new routine he added since joining the church. He quite enjoyed his new life and wished to prolong it.

Part of the routine was stopping into Cafe Valentine, a newly opened cafe that served Gweg's favorite drink, a Pina Colada smoothie.

Gweg sat down at a table by the window to enjoy his drink. As he watched outside, he saw something that he wasn't expecting.

Satyr and 5 other men were walking out of the comic book shop. Satyr and a bearded man were arguing. Satyr angrily pointed to a comic and then made the Spider-Man shooting out a web motion with his hand.

The other man made a motion as though he was throwing a boomerang at Satyr's invisible Spider-Man web.

They argued for another minute then the bearded man and two of the guys left. Satyr then turned toward the younger guy that was with him. To Gweg he looked like the average stoner. It seemed as Satyr was angry with this guy as well, but the guy just stood there and smiled while nodding.

Satyr and the older guy left. The younger one then made his way over to the cafe.

Gweg eyed him as we went up to the counter.

Jimmy: Yo, can I get one of those Al Pacino drinks?

Waiter: Al Pacino drinks? I'm sorry sir, I don't know what you mean.

Jimmy: I saw it on TV today. It had foam on it. It looked really good.

At this point, Gweg had gotten up and walked to the counter.

Gweg: He means a cappuccino.

Waiter: Of course. What size?

Gweg: Get him a Grande, my treat.

Gweg laid a 5 down.

Jimmy: Wow, thanks, dude! Today's been a good day. My boss just made a deal with a bunch of these guys and he says we'll be making even more money selling our stuff.

Gweg: And what kind of stuff is that?

Jimmy looked flustered at the question. He realized he had said too much. If Mr. S. had heard him, he would have been very angry. He had to think of lie quick.

Jimmy: We sell, uh, Girl Scout Cookies.

Gweg: Really? I would never have guessed you were a Girl Scout.

Jimmy: Haha, no, I'm not a Girl Scout. My boss is. He's like, a leader or something. Uh, thanks for the drink man, I can pay you back.

Gweg: The only thing you owe me is a few minutes of your time if you can spare it. My name is Gweg, I'm a Reverend here in town and I like to take the time to get to know my fellow residents.

Jimmy's mouth opened in shock when the guy said he was a preacher.

Jimmy: Yo man, I had no idea you were hooked up with God. I feel bad man. Now I'm going to Hell.

Gweg: Why do you think you're going to Hell?

Jimmy: I totally just lied to you. We don't sell Girl Scout Cookies. but, I can't tell you what we do sell.

Gweg: That's perfectly fine. What's your name?

Jimmy: Jimmy Green sir.

Gweg: Please, just call me Gweg. Will you join me at my table?

Jimmy: Sure.

They sat down. Jimmy took a sip of his drink, look confused, and drank some more.

Gweg: Something wrong with your drink?

Jimmy: Nah man, I can't picture Al Pacino drinking something like this.

Gweg: Will mysteries never cease? Tell me, Jimmy, do you like your job?

Jimmy: Hell yeah man, I make some mad cash My boss is a total bitch jerk, but the other guy is cool.

Gweg: What's your boss' name?

Jimmy: Mr. Schw...uh Satyr. Mr. Satyr.

Gweg: I knew a Satyr once. He was a total "bitch jerk" as you said. He was a user and a manipulator. No good ever came from working with him. Tell me, Jimmy, do you go to church?

Jimmy: Nah man, I mean, I believe in God, but I don't think I'd feel too comfortable in church.

Gweg: I would love to invite you to my church. It's very easy going, laid back, no judgment. I try to make learning and growing closer to Lord not feel like a chore. It's the Church United New Testament on 23rd Street. And we'll just keep this between us. You don't have to tell anybody we met or that you are going to church.

Jimmy: That sounds good. I just might be there.

Gweg: Glad to hear it.



Unbeknownst to Jimmy, Gweg had decided to follow him the rest of the day. Gweg had pretty much got the confirmation he needed that Satyr was indeed Schwarzkopf. Gweg knew what he had to do. His mission was to stop Satyr. That's why he was put on this earth.

Jimmy drove to his house. Satyr and Mike were outside. Gweg parked a block away, hoping he wouldn't get recognized. He had bought a new car sine their last encounter.

Satyr pointed at his watch and yelled at Jimmy. Jimmy threw his hands into the air. All 3 of them walked inside.

Gweg waited. He thought about what he said to Sara and felt bad. She had no idea what he was up to, but he didn't want to let her down. Gweg hoped to destroy Satyr's new shampoo drug without him ever finding out who was responsible. He hoped Jimmy would keep his mouth shut.

2 hours passed. Satyr and the other man left. Gweg hunkered down in his seat as they drove by. Gweg waited. Half an hour later, Jimmy got into his car and left.

Gweg waited a few minutes then got out of his car. He walked up to the house. He looked around to make sure no one was watching, then he tried to open the door. It was locked. Gweg looked under the mat but found no key. He then looked under the garden gnome.

Sure enough, a spare key was there. Gweg went inside.

The house was a mess. Clothes, pizza boxes, glasses, bongs, and various other items were strewn about.

Gweg was unsettled by how quiet it was. Which is why he let out a gasp when his phone rang. He answered it.

Sara: Hey honey, what time you getting home?

Gweg: Half an hour. I'm just going over tomorrows sermon.

Sara: Okay. Hurry up, we are having fettuccine tonight.

Gweg: That sounds great babe, be home soon. Love you.

Sara: Love you too.

Gweg pressed End and took a deep breath. This was his first major lie to Sara. He almost felt like he was cheating on her.

Gweg kept searching the rooms, not finding anything to do with Pink Dew Shampoo. He walked down the hall to Jimmy bedroom and noticed something completely out of place. A bookcase in the middle of the hall. It was filled with Dean Koontz novels. Gweg pushed the bookcase to the side and discovered a door behind it.

It led down into the basement.

There, Gweg found a tub full of pink shampoo. He also found all sorts of chemicals and empty bottles. He also found several cases of Essential Cleanse, a common shampoo. All the of those bottles were of the red "Cherry Blossom" variety.

Gweg discovered a dozen jugs of a milky white liquid. Each of them was labeled "Satyr's Morning Dew." Gweg was starting to get he picture why the shampoo was pink and why it was called "Dew."

Gweg looked at the tub and saw it had a timer set for 12 hours. He assumed this was the final process in making the drug and this was probably the next batch they were going to sell.

 Gweg wondered if he should set the house on fire, but then realized Satyr would just start making the shampoo somewhere else. If he couldn't destroy the supply, then he would have to destroy the demand.

Gweg ran back upstairs and looked though Jimmy's kitchen, hoping to find anything that would ruin the current batch and make the people addicted to it not want to buy another bottle.

He needed something clear, something that no one could detect. Satyr found some vinegar. He then went into the bathroom and got some peroxide. He went back down into the basement.

He poured the vinegar into the tun first, hoping there would be no chemical reaction. There was none. He found a small oar they had been using to mix the shampoo in the tub. He mixed it around then added the peroxide. Nothing happened. He mixed it up and wiped the oar clean.

He then got rid of the evidence he was there and left. He got on the phone.

Gweg: Sara, I'm all done here, headed home now.


ONE WEEK LATER

Jimmy stretched as he sat up from the pew. That was the only thing he didn't like about church, the seats. He quite enjoyed Gweg's sermons and the singing. He had also taken a liking to Gweg himself. The church was starting to change Jimmy. In fact, once he had ran out of Pink Dew earlier in the week, he hadn't bothered getting a new one.

Jimmy was making his way towards the door when an attractive girl around his age caught his eye. She was a brunette and cute as hell. And she was smiling at Jimmy. He had no idea she was the Mayor's daughter.

Jimmy: Yo, what's up?

Nicole: Oh you know, church.

Jimmy laughed.

Jimmy: How long you been coming here?

Nicole: Almost two weeks now. I've seen you a couple times this week. Been wanting to tell you how cool your tattoo is, but I've been coming here with my father and he would flip if he saw me talking to a guy like you. And this is the first time I came here without him.

Jimmy: What's wrong with a guy like me?

Nicole: You're a lot cooler than my father is.

Jimmy smiled and blushed.

Jimmy: Thanks. Yo,m I'm Jimmy by the way.

Nicole: Hello Jimmy, I'm Nicole.

The two went to Cafe Valentine and sat and talked for 2 hours. The discovered they had both been on Pink Dew and that Gweg was helping them. They agreed to see each other again.

Jimmy was so happy, he didn't realize he was a half hour late at being at the house. He took his time getting back there. He walked in to find a very agry Satyr greeting him.

Satyr: Where the fuck have you been?! We got a problem on our hands and you're out doing Pan knows what.

Jimmy: I met a girl.

Satyr: Oh, you met a girl. That's fine. That makes it all better. by the way, while you're out getting love sick, our "clients" are getting really sick.

Jimmy: What?

Mike: Jimmy, the latest batch of Pink Dew is making people sick. As though they have the flu. We know it's the latest batch because new users are getting sick along with the older ones. We need to know if you did anything different when making the batch?

Jimmy: Yo, I did everything right like I normally do. You have to believe me Mr. S.

Satyr: I'll believe that Bigfoot is the fucking Tooth Fairy before I believe anything you have to tell me. Don't think I haven't noticed something different about you this past week. What the hell have you been up to.

Jimmy: Nothing Mr. S., I swear!

Satyr: He's lying to me, Mike. You know how I hate it when people lie to me.

Mike: Please Jimmy, just tell us what you've been doing.

Jimmy sighed and held his head. He figured this was going to happen sooner or later.

Jimmy: I've been going to church.

Satyr's eyes went wide when he heard the C-word.

Satyr: Church? What church? Why?

Jimmy: This preacher invited me. He's  a real nice guy. He's been helping me get back in touch with God.

Satyr knew the answer to the question he was about ready to ask. But a small portion of him hoped he was wrong.

Satyr: What's his name?

Jimmy: Gweg.

Satyr grabbed a pillow off the couch and screamed into it.

Satyr looked at Mike with daggers in his eyes.

Satyr: Gweg did it. He ruined the batch.

Mike: we don't know that Gweg did it.

Satyr: Oh, so it's a coincidence that Gweg just happens to take Jimmy under his wing the same time that our shampoo starts making people sick. No, Gweg found Jimmy, found out where he lives, and then fucked with our stuff.  Oh, he is not getting away with this.

Satyr took out his phone and dialed.

Satyr: Long time no speak Gweg. Don't worry about how I got your number. You and I need a face to face.  You know Cranston's Field, ten miles outside of town. Meet me there, right in the middle. It'll just be you and me.



Gweg hung up the phone. Jimmy must have talked, he thought. Satyr probably scared it out of him.

Sara: Who was that, hun?

Gweg: The Mayor. He want's me to come over and have a chat with Nicole. He's afraid she's gone into a relapse.

Sara: Oh no. She was doing so good too.

Gweg: Yes, but these things happen. Dp us a favor and say a little prayer? I'll be back as soon as I can.

Sara: I will and no rush. See you when you get home. Love you.

Gweg: Love you too.

Gweg headed out to the field. Sara didn't know it, but Gweg had a gun he kept hidden under his seat. He took it out and laid it on the passenger side. He had no idea how this meeting was going to turn out, but if only one of them was going to walk away from it, it was going to be him.

He drove into the field and parked in the middle He got out and slid the gun into pocket. Minutes later, Satyr pulled up. He got out of the car wearing the sunglasses and that ridiculous hat.

Gweg: Schwarzkopf, I presume.

Satyr: So smart Gweg, maybe you and Watterson should switch places. His clueless nature would make him a great preacher.

Gweg: What do you want Satyr?

Satyr: You know why were here. You think you're going to ruin me. One bad batch isn't going to stop me Gweg. That's the thing with these addicts, they don't care as long as the get a fix.

Gweg: These people do not exist for your amusement or your profit. You should be helping them, not aiding in their self  destruction. Yes, I did ruin your shampoo. I'm done standing around watching you destroy society.

Satyr: You and your society. You thank your god for your eyes, but you refuse to use them. Face it Gweg, nothing lasts forever. Civilizations collapse. Societies crumble. Everything that gets built will eventual break down. But we still have a choice in the matter. You can stand in the way when it all falls or you can help push it down.

Gweg: I refuse to accept that. Religion has done a lot of harm in the past, but I am going to use it to help heal society. I will turn religion into a bandage, instead of a wound.

Satyr: You know what we have in common Gweg, we both sell drugs. My shampoo, your religion.

Gweg: Religion is not a drug.

Satyr: You're right, it's an STD. A Spiritually Transmitted Disease. And you are a carrier. Speaking of harming things, you know what your little sabotage is doing to Pink Dew users?

Gweg: No.

Satyr: It's making them sick. Sever flu like symptoms.  A couple of them have even died.

Gweg couldn't believe it.  There was no way the vinegar and peroxide could have triggered that kind of reaction.

Gweg: You're lying.

Satyr: Kind of wish I was, but alas, it's true. Call Watterson up, he'll be happy to tell you. After, he told me. He's still trying to prove I'm Schwarzkopf. If only a concerned citizen had reported on Jimmy instead of going into the house and messing about, those poor people would still be all right. Strung out of their minds, but at least not on their death beds.

Gweg: You are not putting this on me. They are sick because your got them addicted to shampoo.

Satyr: Keep telling yourself that. I'm going to go ahead and let the guilt eat away at you. But know this: You try to tell ant cops about us, or you keep talking to Jimmy, or you step foot near the house again and I will punish you. You know what I'm capable of Gweg. And I know what you're capable of. Which isn't much.

Satyr got back into his car and took off.

Gweg sat down on the hood of his car, put his hand to face and started to cry.


A few days had passed, and more people had died from the tainted Pink Dew batch. Gweg was beside himself.

Sara was taking over church duties for the day. Gweg stayed at home, trying to rid himself of the guilt.

There was a knock on the door. Gweg answered it and was shocked to see the Mayor standing on the other side.

Mayor: We have to have a talk, Reverend.

Gweg: Yes Mayor, have a seat.

Mayor: I think I'll stand for this. Look, I don't know what kind of church you think you're running, but you better get your shit together.

Gweg: I'm sorry sir, what are you talking about?

Mayor: My daughter! I sent her to you to help her out. But now she's dating that two bit junkie you invited into your church. I don't need to tell you Gweg, but I am a powerful man in this town. Now, I may not be able to control my daughter, but I am capable of  making sure that Church you built gets taken down.  I want those two to quit seeing each other. She won't listen to me about this and I highly doubt she'll listen to you. She's stubborn when it comes to boys. Since you created this mess, you will fix it. Make sure he doesn't go near my daughter again. Cause if they are still seeing each other by this time next week, I will make sure no one sees that church ever again.

The Mayor stormed out of the house. Gweg sunk down into his chair. It was all starting to get out of hand. He now found himself in the most dire of situations, a Catch-22. He had kept away from Jimmy, but if Satyr sees him talking to Jimmy, Satyr will retaliate. But if he doesn't talk to Jimmy, The Mayor will retaliate. Gweg didn't know what to do.



A couple of hours later, Sara returned home.

Sara: Oh, I'm exhausted. This 6 year old kept asking me about Noah's Ark and I was running out of answers that sounded reasonable...

She stopped talking when she saw the look on Gweg's face.

Sara: What's wrong, honey?

Gweg: We need to talk. I've done something terrible.

Sara listened as Gweg got her up to speed. She was angry that Gweg had lied to her, but she knew the situation with the Mayor and Satyr needed to be taken care of first.

Sara: Ok, so Satyr says you can't talk to Jimmy, he didn't say I couldn't.

Gweg: It's Satyr, you know he'll retaliate given any reason. I know, you should talk to Nicole, tell her to break it off with Jimmy.

Sara: You have no idea what it's like being a girl at that age. Trust me, telling her to stay away from the bad boy isn't going to work.

Gweg: I don't know what to do.

Sara: I do. Pray. You have given yourself to God now Gweg, let him show you the path.

Gweg nodded, even though he still had his doubts.

Gweg went to take a shower. As he showered, he closed his eyes and began to pray.

Gweg: Dear God, I know I don't deserve it, but I need guidance. I believe you put me here to stop Satyr, and this might be a test, but I need help. I don't know how to defeat him and get the Mayor off my back.

Gweg opened his eyes. As soon as he did, he had the answer.


THE NEXT DAY

Satyr and Mike arrived at Jimmy's house. He was eating breakfast.

Satyr: You got the tub and equipment cleaned out yet? I don't know what Gweg did, but we are starting this next batch clean. I also got security cameras to make sure this doesn't happen again.

Jimmy: Yo, Gweg won't even speak to me now. Did you say something to him Mr S.?

Satyr: Yes, I told him to stay away from you. He is no good.He's going to try to poison you with that religious crap and next thing I know, you're out there going door to door selling Bibles to old women that already have too much Jesus shit hanging on their walls.

Jimmy: Yo, I got the right to go to whatever church I want. In fact, I'm going to go see Gweg now. 1st Amendment, bitch!

Jimmy got up and left the house.

Satyr: I'm surprised he knew that.

Mike's cell started to ring. He listened to the caller on the other end and frowned. He put the phone away and turned on the TV.

Satyr: What is it now?

Mike pointed at the screen. Satyr's mouth went agape when he saw the Breaking News bulletin.

Satyr: Turn it up.

Reporter On The TV: Yes, you heard right. This is not a hoax or a joke. We are getting reports that the people who have died from the drug "Pink Dew" have come back to life and are now attacking people and biting them.

Satyr just started shaking his head.

Satyr: Zombies. Of course. Why not? Okay. This is something we have prepared for. First, we loot the supermarket, then the drug store, then we head out to that island where we kill any non-good looking females that try to get on it.

Mike: Hold off on that.

Reporter: Police are advising to stay in your homes, as they are handling the situation. The attackers are moving at a slow pace and falling over anything in their path.  The police expect to have the situation taken care of my the end of the night.

Satyr: I'm a little disappointed. I was led to believe their would be a massive outbreak and they would have swarmed the streets by nightfall. Fucking Hollywood has lied to me again!

Mike: Well, I think we can kiss Pink Dew goodbye.

Satyr: Oh no, we'll just have to wait for the dust to settle. The fucking addicts will beg us to sell it to them. Remember Mike, people are puppets. You got to learn how to pull their strings.

Mike: Okay. Now what about Jimmy?

Satyr: You leave that to me.


Jimmy arrived at the church.

Mass should have started 10 minutes ago, but there was no one there. Jimmy went up to the door just as Gweg was coming out.

Gweg: Jimmy, what are you doing here?

Jimmy: It's church time.

Gweg: Jimmy, there is an outbreak of...well something bad is happening. Do you here all of those sirens?

Jimmy listened. He realized he did hear a bunch of sirens.

Jimmy: Yo, I was listening to some rap music in the car, I thought they were a part of the music.

Gweg: Well, you need to get home and keep the doors closed until the police say it's safe.

Jimmy: I ain't go back there. Mr. S. is back there and he is being a total douche. He told me to stay away from you, I said I had the right to see whomever I want.

Gweg: So, Satyr knows you're here?

Jimmy: Yeah, he didn't try to stop me.

Gweg smiled.

Gweg: Okay Jimmy, I want you to follow me to my house. We'll hang out there until this clears up.

Jimmy: You got it.

They arrived at Gweg's house.

Gweg: Make yourself at home, just try not to make it as messy as your house. I'll go get us some drinks.

Jimmy: Thanks bro. Wait, how do you know my house is messy?

Gweg stopped in his tracks. He realized he just made a mistake.

Gweg: Lucky guess?

Jimmy laughed.

Jimmy: yeah, I guess it is obvious.

Gweg let out a sigh of relief. He retrieved the pitcher of tea out of the fridge and poured two glasses.

Gweg: There is something I'd like to talk to you about.

Jimmy: If it's about Mr. S., I'm way ahead of you. I'm going to stop working for him. In fact, I called him on my cell phone on the way here. Told him I quit.

Gweg worried that Satyr would take it out on him, but there was nothing he could do about it now.

Gweg: That's great Jimmy. But I need to talk to you about Nicole.

Jimmy: She's great, isn't she? She's perfect for me. We've kicked our drug habit together. I think she's the one. It's like God is awarding me for coming back to him.

Gweg felt his heart sink. He knew there was no talking Jimmy out of seeing her and he didn't really want to either.

Gweg: I'm glad to hear that Jimmy.


Jimmy spent the night at Gweg's. The police had taken care of the zombie outbreak and the citizens were safe to be out on the streets again. Jimmy went to Nicole's apartment.

Jimmy knocked on the door, Nicole answered it. She looked stunning, hair wet with a towel wrapped around her midrift.

Nicole: Hey babe! So happy you're here. I wanted to thank you for that gift, it was funny.

Jimmy: You're welcome babe.

Jimmy then remembered he hadn't gotten her a gift.

Jimmy: What gift was that again?

She mocked puching him on the shoulder.

Nicole: You nitwit. The shampoo. Essential Cleanse. You left it out in front of the door. It had a note saying, "Here's some shampoo you can enjoy without worrying about the cops knocking on your shower door." I just got done washing my hair with it.

Jimmy: Can I see it?

Nicole went to her shower and got the shampoo. Jimmy opened the cap and took a sniff. He knew Pink Dew when he smelled it. But this one's scent was slightly off.

Jimmy: Do you feel alright babe?

Nicole: I do have a bit of a stomach ache.

Jimmy: I think I should stay here for a couple of days.


TWO DAYS LATER

Mike and Satyr sat in Jimmy's living room.

Mike: I don't think he's coming back

Satyr: Oh he'll be back and when he gets here, I'll deal with him.

They heard tires screech into the driveway.

Satyr: See, there he is.

Jimmy came bursting through the door. He went right towards Satyr and pushed him down. He then pulled a gun out from behind him and pointed it at Satyr's head.

Jimmy: You killed her! You gave her some of that bad Pink Dew batch. She turned into a zombie. I had to shoot her in the head so she wouldn't eat me!

Mike: Calm down. Satyr wouldn't do that! So, put the gun down and we'll talk.

Mike looked down at Satyr, knowing full well he would do something like that. Jimmy held the gun closer to Satyr's head.

Satyr: He's right. Why would I do that?

Jimmy: To punish me for quitting.

Satyr: Look at me. You are like a son to me. Yes, I was mad that you quit, but I was proud that you finally stood up to me. I would never harm someone you love to get back at you.

Jimmy: If you didn't do it, then who did?

Satyr: Gweg did it.

Jimmy: What?

Satyr: Gweg has been trying to get at me for years. He's too much of a coward to kill me himself. So he's trying to trick you into doing it.

Jimmy: He wouldn't do that. Besides, how did he get his hands on the Pink Dew?

Satyr: Has he been here?

Jimmy was about to answer no, but then he remembered Gweg's comment about his house being dirty.

Jimmy: Wait, yes he has.

Satyr: I know he has. He's the one that tainted that batch. He probably kept some just in case a situation such as this presented itself. He's been using you from the start.

Jimmy dropped the gun. Satyr picked it up and put it in his coat pocket.

Satyr: Now, where is her body at? I'll take care of the cleanup.

Jimmy gave Satyr the address. Satyr left.

Mike: Just sit down and relax. You don't look so good.

Jimmy: I got to tell you something Mike.



Satyr arrived at the apartment complex. There were police officers and an ambulance already there.  Satyr watched as the paramedics took a body out of an apartment. He knew it was Nicole's. He cursed Jimmy's name for being careless. He watched for the next 30 minutes. He saw the Mayor of all people there. He was crying. Satyr assumed he was the father. That was all he needed. After they cleared, Satyr drove around for an hour, trying to think of what to do next. He wondered what the next incident would be.

His cell phone rang.

Satyr: What?

Mike: Get back here now! Jimmy...

The phone had cut off and the line went dead.

Satyr frowned.

Satyr: I can't catch a fucking break.

Satyr took off and headed back to Jimmy's house. He walked in the door.

Jimmy was walking slowly towards Mike, who was crouched behind the overturned coffee table.

Satyr pulled the gun out of his coat and shot Jimmy in the head.

Mike: Thanks! I don't know how he got the jump on me. I just can't believe he purposely turned himself into a zombie.

Satyr looked down at Jimmy's body.

Satyr: He was a zombie?

Mike: You didn't know he was a zombie then why did you..

Satyr waved a dismissive hand.

Satyr: No time for that now. I'll pull the car into the garage and we'll load his body onto there.


At the same time that was happening, Gweg was getting a visitor.

Gweg: Mr. Mayor,  I know you're upset, but it wasn't Jimmy's fault that this happened.

Mayor: My girl is dead! I would have been happy to raise her as a zombie, but that punk took that away from me too.

Gweg: Mr. Mayor, Jimmy was just a pawn. This is all Schwarzkopf's fault.

Mayor: No Gweg. This is your fault. I will see that you pay for this.

Gweg: I can get you Schwarzkopf. I know who he is, Jimmy told me.

Mayor:  Oh, I see. So, we just let this Schwarzkopf live the rest of his life in jail while my girl rots in the ground? No, everyone who had a hand in this will pay.

Gweg: I don't want to see him in jail. I want to see you have your revenge. The Bible says "eye for an eye." I'll set up a meeting. Somewhere private.

Mayor: Fine Gweg.But this isn't over between us. If taking care of Schwarzkopf doesn't satisfy me, you're next.

Gweg: Fair enough. I'll call you when I've set it up.

The Mayor left. Gweg dialed his phone.


Satyr and Mike had just finished loading Jimmy into the trunk of the car when Gweg's phone call came through.

Satyr: Oh for fuck's sakes! What is it? Fine Gweg, we'll settle this once and for all. Just the two of us.

Satyr turned to Mike.

Satyr: Get in the car. We're going out to Cranston's Field. Gweg wants a showdown and I'm going to give him one. Get the shovels. We're going to burying Jimmy and Gweg out there.

They got into the car and took off.

Five minutes after that, Gweg phoned The Mayor.

Gweg: Hello Mayor. Do you know Cranston's Field? Schwarzkopf will be out there in ten minutes.

Gweg ended the call. Five minutes after that, Gweg made another phone call.


Satyr and Mike arrived at the field.

Satyr: Stay in the car. As soon as he gets close enough, I'm going to start shooting. Then you come out and do the same.

3 minutes passed. Satyr pulled out his phone and called Gweg.

Satyr: Where are you?

Gweg: I'm not coming out there. But I;ll tell you who is. The police. I told them Schwarzkopf would be out in the middle of the field waiting to do a drug deal. They should be there any second now.

Satyr almost crushed the phone in his hand. Satyr looked out towards the horizon and saw a car approaching. It would be there within a minute.

Satyr: Mike, change of plans! We are going to surrender to the cops.

Mike What!?

Satyr: Don't worry, I know some good lawyers. Hopefully they don't just shoot us first. hell, i better make a video confession just in case.

Satyr pointed his camera phone towards him and started recording.

Satyr: My name is Pollyknuckle Applebee. I am recording this video to let everyone know, that yes, while I did have a hand in all that has transpired, I am not the one to shoulder the blame. This is all Gweg's fault. He is the guy known as Schwarzkopf. he tricked me into getting caught by the cops and killing his protege and dumping his body on us. I repeat: This is Gweg's fault.

Satyr stopped recording.

Mike: They'll never buy that. Besides, that's not a cop car.

Satyr looked up and saw a Cadillac pulling up. The Mayor stepped out.

The Mayor: Schwarzkopf, you killed my daughter!

The Mayor ran towards satyr. Mike pulled out his gun and shot him.

Mike: Who the hell is that?

Satyr: The Mayor. Jimmy's girlfriend was his daughter.

Mike: How did he know we were out here?

Satyr: Gweg of course. That bastard.

They both heard the sound of sirens off in the distance.

Mike: There are the cops. Still want to surrender?

Satyr: Nope. Got a better idea. Get Jimmy's body out and hand me your gun.

Five minutes later, the cops arrived to find the body of Jimmy and The Mayor laying in the middle of the field. They look as those they had been struggling withe each other.

Satyr and Mike were already gone.

Satyr rolled down his window and laughed.

Mike: What's so funny?

Satyr: Gweg. I didn't know he had it in him. I'm glad. The games begin again.

Mike: So, why did you kill Jimmy's girlfriend.

Satyr felt the smile return to his face. He looked over at Mike with a gleam in his eye.

Satyr: I didn't.


An hour later, Gweg was parked a block away from Jimmy's house.

The cops were there. They were taking out all of the Pink dew equipment. Gweg was listening to a new report on the radio.

Reporter: And with that, officials are saying that the distribution of the drug known as "Pink Dew" should stop.

Gweg's phone rang. It was Sara.

Sara: Gweg, do you know what's going on? They are saying that Jimmy kid is Schwarzkopf and that he in the Mayor killed each other in a gun fight. What happened.

Gweg: I won.


(For Maximum Story Effect, listen to this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3yAx2uCoHs while you read the rest of the story.)

Gweg ended the call and out his cell away. He looked at Jimmy's house one last time and smiled.

He drove to a parking lot that had a dumpster in it. He got out and opened the passenger door.

Sitting on the seat were a couple bottles of Essential Cleanse shampoo and some wrapping paper.

Gweg gathered it up and threw it away.

He frowned, now knowing exactly what he was a capable of.