Gweg has had a bad day. He needed to do a lot of research on the internet the night before, but Satyr would not budge from the computer. When Gweg got up, Satyr was still on the computer.
Gweg decided to go to an Internet Cafe. He ordered a drink and sat down at a computer.
Things would have been fine, but there were two girls at another computer, pointing at Gweg, looking at their monitor, and giggling loudly.
After five minutes of it, Gweg had enough.
Gweg: Excuse me, but what is so funny?
Girl #1: Well, we have never seen one of you guys before in real life.
Gweg: What are you talking about?
Girl #2: Hee Hee!. You know, a Date 'Em & Rate 'Em.com guy.
Gweg looked at their screen. He saw a very bad photo of himself next to his personal information.
Gweg immediately knew who put it on the site.
Gweg: I am going to kill that hairy legged motherfucker!
Gweg stormed out of the Cafe.
Girl #1: He's never going to get a date with a temper like that.
Girl #2: I'd do him.
Girl #1: You'd do anybody that gave you a jar of Cheez Whiz.
Gweg burst into his apartment and went right up to Satyr, who was still at the computer.
Gweg: Just what in the hell is Date 'Em & Rate 'Em.com?
Satyr: Uh, you weren't supposed to find out about that.
Gweg: Well I did. Now, tell me what it is!
Satyr: All right. It's a dating service that sets you up with singles in your area. After your date is over, you can rate the person on a scale of 1 through 10. You can also add a brief description on how the date went. It's quite ingenious.
Gweg: Thank you Captain Shill. Now explain why I'm on that site.
Satyr: Because you need a woman, Gweg. I've seen how sad and lonely you are. And I know you've been watching Scinemax late at night.
Gweg: How in the hell do you know that!?!?
Satyr: Well, since I didn't pay for a satellite box of my own, I just spliced of yours. And for some odd reason, I can only watch what you're watching. And you, my friend, have been watching a little too much E! For my taste.
Gweg: That's not the point, the point is, You put up an unauthorized profile of me on that site and I want it taken down!
Satyr: But it's already been a success! You already got an email from some chick.
Gweg: Really? What did she...Wait a sec, you've been getting into my email?
Satyr: Uh yeah, but it's been for emergency purposes only.
Gweg: I can hear the cops now, "Justifiable Homicide"....Yeah, that's what they'll call it.
Satyr: Uh, yeah...Anyway, sit down and read her letter.
Gweg looked at Satyr and whispered "Justifiable Homicide" to himself and sat at the computer desk. He got into his email and pulled up the message.
Dear Gweggy Poo,
How R U? I sust may, when I saw your pic, I was instantly attracted 2U. U R sooo cute and sexy! How about meeting me 2Nite @ Chez La Chien @ 8PM
You'll know who I am by looking @ my profile
xoxoxoxo
Dyslexic Anorexic
PS....Don't worry, I'm a cheap date
Gweg: Gweggy-Poo?
Satyr: Yeah, that's the screen name I gave you.
Before Gweg could say something, Satyr reached down and grabbed the mouse.
Satyr: Here, let me bring up her profile. There! See, isn't she hot?
Gweg: She looks like somebody drew over a skull with a peach colored crayon.
Satyr: Well, you know how these pics on the net are. Anyway, there is no need to thank me Gweg, I did this all out of the kindness of my heart. You are my best pal and it's my number one priority to look out for you.
Gweg: Thank you?!?! Because of you, I now have to go on a date with a dyslexic anorexic.
Satyr: Well I'm sorry Gweg! I'm sorry that we can't all be perfect like you! I try to do something nice and you don't appreciate it at all.
Satyr startedto cry.
Gweg: All right. It's not the end of the world. But she really isn't my type. I'll just email her back and say "no thanks".
Satyr: You can't. She will give you a bad rating and trust me, you don't want that.
Gweg: Why not? Besides, I'm not a big fan of dating sites anyway.
Satyr: If you ever want to meet a woman your type, you need to go on this date. Trust me, Date 'em & Rate 'Em.com is a very popular site in this town.
Gweg: Fine, I'll go on the date. I guess it couldn't be all that bad.
Gweg arrived at the restaurant a 7:45 PM.
Gweg walked into the lobby and saw a skeleton wearing something that resembled skin and a red dress and top. It also had short brown hair. Gweg knew it was Dyslexic Anorexic. She smiled at Gweg and began to talk.
Dyslexic: Hi Pweggy-Goo! I'm so glad you could make it.
Gweg thought, "Nice, already off to a great start."
They went up to the Host.
Dyslexic: Hello. Reservation for Lohan.
Host: Alright, follow me.
The Host took them to their table.
Gweg: So, is Lohan your real name?
Dyslexic: Nah. She's just my hero. Who's your hero?
Gweg: Stephen Hawking.
Dyslexic: Oooh. He writes a lot of scary stuff.
Gweg: Uhh, I don't think it's that scary.
Dyslexic: What about that one about the clown. That scown was real clary!
Gweg realized that she was talking about Stephen King. He didn't bother to correct her.
Gweg: Yeah, it sure was.
Dyslexic: Cim Turry played the clown in the movie. I still have nightmares about him.
Gweg: I felt the same way after I watched The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Dyslexic: The what?
Gweg: Never mind.
There was an uncomfortable silence. Gweg was starting to get hungry.
Gweg: So, should we order?
Dyslexic: Well we should wait until they get here.
Gweg: Who?
Dyslexic: You know....oh, there they are now!
Gweg turned to see who was coming. Gweg couldn't honestly say he was surprised to see Satyr heading his way. He was accompanied by a sick looking young black woman.
Satyr and the woman sat down at the table.
Satyr: Ha ha Gweg! Now you didn't think I'd let you have all the fun tonight?
Gweg: Of course not.
Satyr: And where are my manners? Gweg, I'd like you to meet my date tonight, Anemic Bulimic.
Gweg shook her hand.
Anemic: Charmed I'm sure. Now, what kind of grub does this place have?
She picked up a menu and read through it.
Anemic: Well, this shit looks great. I bet it tastes good going down and coming back up.
Satyr and Dyslexic Anorexic gave out a laugh.
Satyr: Well, I have heard nothing but great reviews on this place.
Anemic: I gotta say, when I saw your profile, I thought you were trying to be funny with those horns on your head. You know, "virtual satyr" and all. I didn't know you were going to be an actual satyr!
Satyr: Well, I expected a fat white chick, so there ya go.
Anemic: See D.A., I told you this cat was funny.
Dyslexic: You sure did A.B.
They ordered their drinks and talked for a while before ordering their food. After they ordered, Gweg stood up.
Gweg: I need to use the restroom. Satyr, would you like to come with me.
Satyr: You're a big boy, I think you can handle it.
Gweg: I would really appreciate it if you came with me.
Satyr: Well, excuse us ladies. D.A., I should let you know now that Gweg needs more than two hands when holding up his fire hose.
He gave D.A. a wink and the two women laughed. Gweg and Satyr went to the restroom.
Gweg: All right Satyr! Tell me the truth now! What's really going on tonight.
Satyr: Fine. I put my profile up on the site last night. I tried to go to bed after you went to bed, but I was too anxious to sleep. So I stayed up on the computer waiting for an email. I finally got one this morning from the Anemic Bulimic. She agreed to go on a date with me, but she wanted me to get a date for her friend. So I put your profile up and she sent it to the Dyslexic Anorexic. She told her to email you and ask you out on a date.
Gweg: I knew it! I knew that all of this didn't happen by chance!
Satyr: Yes Gweg! Your paranoia is right again! You must get a hell of an orgasm from all of the mental masturbation your mind does when it finds out it's right!
Gweg: I should smack you.
Satyr: You don't understand, I need this. I'm a satyr! I'm supposed to be getting laid all of the time! But those powers were stripped from me. I have nothing! I have to slip Spanish Fly into your drink every night just to make sure you turn on some skin flick before you go to sleep!
Gweg: You've been doing what!
Satyr: I wouldn't have to do it if we moved the computer to a more secluded area. I'd do the hand jive to the porn on there, but I'm afraid you'll walk in on me.
Gweg: Spanish Fly? That stuff doesn't work!
Satyr: I don't use some cheap sex shop crap. The stuff I use is a secret satyr recipe. And don't think I won't slip it into the girl's drinks, because I already have.
Gweg: Oh, that's just fantastic.
Gweg and Satyr went back out to their table.
Anemic: Let's hurry up and eat. I gettin the urge to do something nasty.
Dyslexic: I seel the fame.
They ate as fast as they could, except for Gweg. After they were done, they went to Anemic's apartment.
Anemic: You boys just sit on that couch there and enjoy the little show we got planned for you.
Satyr and Gweg sat on the couch. The Anemic Bulimic and the Dyslexic Anorexic moved closer to each other.
Anemic: Be careful D.A., remember what happened the last time.
Dyslexic: I know.
The two girls started making out with each other. D.A. Was getting into some really heavy tongue action, but then she seemed to have gone too far. A.B.'s eyes went wide, her throat started to spasm and she through her head back, and then barfed all over the D.A.'s body and into her open mouth.
Satyr: Oh my fucking god!
Satyr and Gweg got up from the couch and bolted out the door. They got into their cars and headed straight home.
When they got inside, Satyr looked at Gweg with a revolted look on his face.
Satyr: Let's never speak of what we just saw ever again.
Gweg: Agreed.
Gweg took a shower and went to bed. When he got up, Satyr was at the computer.
Gweg: Well, did you get a bad review at Date 'Em & Rate 'Em.com?
Satyr: I don't know. I took down my profile. But I left yours up and they didn't rate you yet. However, you got another email.
Gweg scowled at Satyr and sat down at the desk.
It was another request for a date. It seemed basic enough, but Gweg was perplexed by the odd request for him to bring Cheez Whiz.
Monday, August 29, 2005
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Fetus Christ
Gweg couldn't get any sleep. All night he could hear strange noises coming from Satyr's room. Hammering, drilling, sawing, and cursing. Gweg didn't know what Satyr was up to nor did he care. He just wanted some sleep.
Finally, around 6AM, the noise stopped. Unfortunately for Gweg, Satyr came bursting into his room 20 minutes later.
Satyr: Gweg, come quick! You have got to see this!
Gweg: God damn it! I need to get some sleep. You kept me awake all night with that racket, now leave me alone!
Satyr: This is extremely important and it will change our lives! I promise you, if you are not in complete awe from what I have to show you, I will leave you alone for the rest of the week.
Gweg: Let's go.
Satyr led Gweg to his room. When Satyr opened the door, Gweg could see their refrigerator in the middle of Satyr's room.
Gweg: Why is our fridge in your room?
Satyr: I turned it into a time machine!
Gweg: I'm going back to bed. I'll see you in a week. And you'd better have the fridge back out in the kitchen before I wake up.
Satyr: You're not going anywhere. Except back in time.
Gweg: I'm not even going to bother telling you that whatever plan you have working in your head is going to fail.
Satyr: Just watch.
Satyr opened up the door to the fridge. Inside were a bunch of gadgets and tubing. There were two digital clocks attached to the inside of the door.
Satyr: Now, when we go to another period in time, we can only stay their for so long. The top clock shows us where we are going and the bottom clock shows us when we will get back. We have no choice in the matter, the computer calculates the time and whisks us back when it's ready.
Gweg: Where in the hell did you figure all of this out?
Satyr: There was a special about it on Dateline.
Gweg: I'm going to regret asking this, but what do you plan to do?
Satyr: We are going to go back in time and give the Virgin Mary an abortion.
Gweg: You are fucking crazy!
Satyr: Think about it. No more organized religion. This is our dream come true. Everything will change. If this is successful, we won't be living in this drab apartment anymore, that's for sure.
Gweg: Tell me what I need to do.
Satyr set the clock. The computer calculated that they would have exactly ten minutes to get the job done.
Satyr: That should be plenty of time. Let's make sure we got everything before we go. clothes hanger?
Gweg: Check.
Satyr: All right, that should do it. Let's go.
Satyr and Gweg stepped into the fridge. It transported them right to where they needed to be. The arrived right next to a sleeping Virgin Mary. She seemed to be in her fifth month of her pregnancy.
Satyr: All right Gweg, give me the clothes hanger.
Gweg handed it to him. Satyr straightened it out and went to work. Mary woke up screaming and went running.
Satyr: Dirty work, butt somebody had to do it.
Gweg: It's a good thing I'm already in Hell.
Satyr: Yeah that whole getting killed over and over again by the same person had to suck...Wait a second, did you hear that?
Gweg: Hear what?
Satyr: It was kind of a rustling.
Gweg: Yeah now I hear it. What the? Look over there!
Gweg pointed to a strange little object moving toward them on the ground. Satyr knew what it was immediately.
Satyr: Fetus Christ!!!
Yes, the thing was the aborted Jesus Christ. It started moving toward them again at an uncanny speed.
Satyr: We still got 3 minutes left until we are transported back!
Gweg: What are we going to do?
Fetus Christ jumped at Satyr, landing on his face.
Satyr: Get it off of me!
Gweg reached for a stick on the ground and started hitting Fetus Christ with it. Gweg knocked it off, but he still kept on hitting.
Satyr: Stop (ow) it. (ow) You are (ow) hitting (ow) me!
Gweg: Oh, my bad.
Satyr: Fuck it's coming back, but we have ten seconds left.
Gweg: I'll be glad when this is over.
Fetus Christ jumped at them again, but at the same time, they were transported back into Satyr's room.
Satyr: Well, that was fun.
Gweg: Yeah, it sure was.
Gweg looked over the time machine.
Gweg: Let's destroy this thing.
Satyr: But my lunch is in there.
They took apart the time machine. Satyr was sad to see all of his work destroyed, but Gweg couldn't have been happier.
Gweg: All right, let's go see what we changed.
Satyr and Gweg went to the nearest church.
Satyr: What the hell? The till have the crucifix up on the wall. There's a bible, look in it and see what it says.
Gweg picked up the bible and started reading the New Testament.
Gweg: Nothing has changed in here either.
Satyr: What in the hell went wrong?
Voice From Behind: Perhaps I can answer that.
Satyr and Gweg turned around. To their surprise, Fetus Christ stood their in front of them.
Satyr: No fucking way!
Fetus Christ: Yes fucking way. You see, being the son of god has it's benefits. Even though you ended my life in the womb, I was still allowed to live on.
Satyr: But nothing has changed. It still says you died on the cross.
Fetus Christ: No, I remained hidden until today. You see, Mary really wanted a child, so she kidnapped one and raised it as though it would have been me. That is the famous Jesus everyone knows and loves.
Gweg: But how did he get all of your powers? The turning water into wine and all that jazz?
Fetus Christ: Bah, the church turned his simple boring stories into fantastic ones. He never did all that stuff. He certainly never returned from dead 3 days later. That's all myth.
Satyr: But you were supposed to do all of that stuff before we aborted you. How can the exact same thing be pinned on him?
Fetus Christ: You're thinking "Back To The Future". You should be thinking "Prisoner of Azkaban".
Satyr & Gweg: Ahhh.
Fetus Christ: But I'm not here to discuss history and the physics of time. I'm here for revenge!
Fetus Christ leapt at Satyr and attached himself to his face. Gweg ripped him off.
Satyr: Run!
Satyr and Gweg took off in hot pursuit. Fetus Christ remained closely behind.
Satyr: We need to split up. I go left and you go right. He'll follow me. When we are away, go to the hardware store.
Gweg: And do what?
Satyr: Get a nail gun.
So, Satyr and Gweg split up, and sure enough, Fetus Christ continued to follow Satyr.
Gweg ran for tow more blocks and the headed to the hardware store.
Satyr kept on running. He came to the lake in the middle of the city. Satyr knocked a man down who was getting ready to get into his boat.
Satyr: Sorry bud, but this is an emergency.
Satyr started rowing away from the dock. He saw Fetus Christ approach the water.
Satyr: You'll never get me now, Spawn of Satan!
But to Satyr's horror, Fetus Christ started walking on the water.
Satyr: Ah shit, I forgot about that.
Satyr saw somebody on the shore. It was Gweg!
Gweg: I got it!
Satyr started rowing back to the shore. Fetus Christ walked up to the boat.
Fetus Christ: Forgive me Father for what I am about to do.
But before he could do anything, Satyr swung an oar at him and knocked back20 feet.
Satyr laughed and made it to the shore.
Satyr: Quick give me the gun.
Fetus Christ recovered himself and walked to the shore. As he started going toward Satyr and Gweg, Satyr aimed the nail gun.
Satyr: No last supper for you, you son of a bitch!
Satyr pulled the trigger. A nail caught Fetus Christ right in his developing heart. Fetus Christ fell to the ground, dying.
Fetus Christ: Satyr, why have you foresaken me?
Satyr raised up his hoof and brought it down on Fetus Christ's head.
Satyr then scooped the body up in his arms.
Gweg: What are you going to do with that?
Satyr: This is the aborted fetus of the real Jesus Christ. What do you think I'm going to do with it? I'm going to sell it on EBay.
THE END
Finally, around 6AM, the noise stopped. Unfortunately for Gweg, Satyr came bursting into his room 20 minutes later.
Satyr: Gweg, come quick! You have got to see this!
Gweg: God damn it! I need to get some sleep. You kept me awake all night with that racket, now leave me alone!
Satyr: This is extremely important and it will change our lives! I promise you, if you are not in complete awe from what I have to show you, I will leave you alone for the rest of the week.
Gweg: Let's go.
Satyr led Gweg to his room. When Satyr opened the door, Gweg could see their refrigerator in the middle of Satyr's room.
Gweg: Why is our fridge in your room?
Satyr: I turned it into a time machine!
Gweg: I'm going back to bed. I'll see you in a week. And you'd better have the fridge back out in the kitchen before I wake up.
Satyr: You're not going anywhere. Except back in time.
Gweg: I'm not even going to bother telling you that whatever plan you have working in your head is going to fail.
Satyr: Just watch.
Satyr opened up the door to the fridge. Inside were a bunch of gadgets and tubing. There were two digital clocks attached to the inside of the door.
Satyr: Now, when we go to another period in time, we can only stay their for so long. The top clock shows us where we are going and the bottom clock shows us when we will get back. We have no choice in the matter, the computer calculates the time and whisks us back when it's ready.
Gweg: Where in the hell did you figure all of this out?
Satyr: There was a special about it on Dateline.
Gweg: I'm going to regret asking this, but what do you plan to do?
Satyr: We are going to go back in time and give the Virgin Mary an abortion.
Gweg: You are fucking crazy!
Satyr: Think about it. No more organized religion. This is our dream come true. Everything will change. If this is successful, we won't be living in this drab apartment anymore, that's for sure.
Gweg: Tell me what I need to do.
Satyr set the clock. The computer calculated that they would have exactly ten minutes to get the job done.
Satyr: That should be plenty of time. Let's make sure we got everything before we go. clothes hanger?
Gweg: Check.
Satyr: All right, that should do it. Let's go.
Satyr and Gweg stepped into the fridge. It transported them right to where they needed to be. The arrived right next to a sleeping Virgin Mary. She seemed to be in her fifth month of her pregnancy.
Satyr: All right Gweg, give me the clothes hanger.
Gweg handed it to him. Satyr straightened it out and went to work. Mary woke up screaming and went running.
Satyr: Dirty work, butt somebody had to do it.
Gweg: It's a good thing I'm already in Hell.
Satyr: Yeah that whole getting killed over and over again by the same person had to suck...Wait a second, did you hear that?
Gweg: Hear what?
Satyr: It was kind of a rustling.
Gweg: Yeah now I hear it. What the? Look over there!
Gweg pointed to a strange little object moving toward them on the ground. Satyr knew what it was immediately.
Satyr: Fetus Christ!!!
Yes, the thing was the aborted Jesus Christ. It started moving toward them again at an uncanny speed.
Satyr: We still got 3 minutes left until we are transported back!
Gweg: What are we going to do?
Fetus Christ jumped at Satyr, landing on his face.
Satyr: Get it off of me!
Gweg reached for a stick on the ground and started hitting Fetus Christ with it. Gweg knocked it off, but he still kept on hitting.
Satyr: Stop (ow) it. (ow) You are (ow) hitting (ow) me!
Gweg: Oh, my bad.
Satyr: Fuck it's coming back, but we have ten seconds left.
Gweg: I'll be glad when this is over.
Fetus Christ jumped at them again, but at the same time, they were transported back into Satyr's room.
Satyr: Well, that was fun.
Gweg: Yeah, it sure was.
Gweg looked over the time machine.
Gweg: Let's destroy this thing.
Satyr: But my lunch is in there.
They took apart the time machine. Satyr was sad to see all of his work destroyed, but Gweg couldn't have been happier.
Gweg: All right, let's go see what we changed.
Satyr and Gweg went to the nearest church.
Satyr: What the hell? The till have the crucifix up on the wall. There's a bible, look in it and see what it says.
Gweg picked up the bible and started reading the New Testament.
Gweg: Nothing has changed in here either.
Satyr: What in the hell went wrong?
Voice From Behind: Perhaps I can answer that.
Satyr and Gweg turned around. To their surprise, Fetus Christ stood their in front of them.
Satyr: No fucking way!
Fetus Christ: Yes fucking way. You see, being the son of god has it's benefits. Even though you ended my life in the womb, I was still allowed to live on.
Satyr: But nothing has changed. It still says you died on the cross.
Fetus Christ: No, I remained hidden until today. You see, Mary really wanted a child, so she kidnapped one and raised it as though it would have been me. That is the famous Jesus everyone knows and loves.
Gweg: But how did he get all of your powers? The turning water into wine and all that jazz?
Fetus Christ: Bah, the church turned his simple boring stories into fantastic ones. He never did all that stuff. He certainly never returned from dead 3 days later. That's all myth.
Satyr: But you were supposed to do all of that stuff before we aborted you. How can the exact same thing be pinned on him?
Fetus Christ: You're thinking "Back To The Future". You should be thinking "Prisoner of Azkaban".
Satyr & Gweg: Ahhh.
Fetus Christ: But I'm not here to discuss history and the physics of time. I'm here for revenge!
Fetus Christ leapt at Satyr and attached himself to his face. Gweg ripped him off.
Satyr: Run!
Satyr and Gweg took off in hot pursuit. Fetus Christ remained closely behind.
Satyr: We need to split up. I go left and you go right. He'll follow me. When we are away, go to the hardware store.
Gweg: And do what?
Satyr: Get a nail gun.
So, Satyr and Gweg split up, and sure enough, Fetus Christ continued to follow Satyr.
Gweg ran for tow more blocks and the headed to the hardware store.
Satyr kept on running. He came to the lake in the middle of the city. Satyr knocked a man down who was getting ready to get into his boat.
Satyr: Sorry bud, but this is an emergency.
Satyr started rowing away from the dock. He saw Fetus Christ approach the water.
Satyr: You'll never get me now, Spawn of Satan!
But to Satyr's horror, Fetus Christ started walking on the water.
Satyr: Ah shit, I forgot about that.
Satyr saw somebody on the shore. It was Gweg!
Gweg: I got it!
Satyr started rowing back to the shore. Fetus Christ walked up to the boat.
Fetus Christ: Forgive me Father for what I am about to do.
But before he could do anything, Satyr swung an oar at him and knocked back20 feet.
Satyr laughed and made it to the shore.
Satyr: Quick give me the gun.
Fetus Christ recovered himself and walked to the shore. As he started going toward Satyr and Gweg, Satyr aimed the nail gun.
Satyr: No last supper for you, you son of a bitch!
Satyr pulled the trigger. A nail caught Fetus Christ right in his developing heart. Fetus Christ fell to the ground, dying.
Fetus Christ: Satyr, why have you foresaken me?
Satyr raised up his hoof and brought it down on Fetus Christ's head.
Satyr then scooped the body up in his arms.
Gweg: What are you going to do with that?
Satyr: This is the aborted fetus of the real Jesus Christ. What do you think I'm going to do with it? I'm going to sell it on EBay.
THE END
Sunday, July 31, 2005
The 9/11 Play
Gweg had just come home from the store. For some odd reason, the store wouldn't accept his credit card. Already having a bad day, he wasn't looking forward to spending the rest of it in the company of Virtual Satyr.
When Gweg walked into their apartment, Satyr was on the phone.
Satyr: Good. We'll be there in half an hour. Have two hundred kids waiting for me in the auditorium. Good-bye.
Satyr hung up the phone and turned to Gweg.
Satyr: Good, you're home. Well, saddle up partner, we got some interesting business to take care of.
Gweg: Oh? Are we going to dress up as Jesus and convince a bunch of nuns to have sex with us?
Satyr: You know we already tried that and it didn't work. No, we are going to the Elementary School.
Gweg: Why?
Satyr: I'm going to direct a play.
Gweg: Oh yay. Why exactly do I have to come?
Satyr: Because you are the producer.
Gweg: How am I the producer?
Satyr: I maxed out all of your credit cards to make this play happen.
Gweg: You son-of-a-bitch! So that's why I'm broke. Of all the inconsiderate things...What in the hell did you need that required you to max out my cards?
Satyr: Well, several remote control model airplanes, a few to scale models of the World Trade Plaza, costumes, a directors chair, a bull horn, and this month's issue of Penthouse.
Gweg: What in the hell is this play about?
Satyr: 9/11 of course.
So, half an hour later, a very excited Satyr and a very grumpy Gweg arrived at the elementary school.
There were a little over two hundred kids sitting in the auditorium, all anxious to be apart of the big play.
The Principal was waiting for Satyr.
Principal: Hello Mr. Satyr. I'm glad that you chose this school for your major play.
Satyr: Well, I asked around, and everybody said that this is the school with the most talent.
Principal: Ha! Ha! Oh yes, we do our best to make sure our kids have the best education around.
Satyr: Uh-huh I bet you do. Well anyway, I won't be needing you hanging around, so you can go back into your office an take a nap.
Principal: Sure thing, Mr. Satyr.
Satyr: (through the bullhorn)All right kids. Now, I need all the girls to stand up.
Gweg: Excuse me.
Satyr: What is it?
Gweg: I need to talk to your for a second.
Satyr: All right. (through the bullhorn)Ok kids. I'll be back in just a minute.
Gweg: You do know I'm going to be in dept for the rest of my life.
Satyr: Oh Gweg, you are not thinking of the big picture here.
Gweg: What big picture?
Satyr: When news of my play gets out, every Hollywood Big-Wig will be banging on our door wanting movie rights. We'll be millionaires. This script I have is the likes of which Hollywood has ever dreamed. No one has ever thought of a 9/11 movie before.
Gweg: What are you talking about? Oliver Stone is going to be doing a movie on 9/11.
Satyr: Oliver Stone! That hack? Please. Next, you'll be telling me that Flight 11 wasn't the plane that hit the first tower, it was the plane on the grassy knoll!
Gweg: That doesn't even make sense.
Satyr: Whatever, let me get back to work.
Satyr has the boys sit on one side of the auditorium and the girls sit on another.
Satyr: (through the bullhorn) You there! Little boy! What's your name?
Little Boy: Jaime.
Satyr: All right Jaime, from the looks of it, you are Arab American, which is perfect.
Jaime: I'm Italian-American.
Satyr: Whatever! You will be playing the part of Muhammad. So get up on stage. Also, I need 72 girls up here.
Jaime and a whole bunch of girls get up on the stage.
Satyr: All right, now in this scene, Muhammad has just arrived in Heaven and is greeted by his 72 virgins. Uh you, girl in the back. Yeah you, I know who your mom is and there is no way you are going to be playing a virgin. Get another girl up here.
Gweg: I can't believe you are doing this.
Satyr: Hush. Now, I need 15 boys and 15 girls on the other side of the stage. Now, we will rehearse the part where some of the victims of 9/11 meet with Muhammad and his virgins. This will be the big fight scene that everyone will talk about.
Gweg: I don't doubt that at all.
Satyr: Ok. Action!
The children read off their lines and act out their fights. The scene ends with Muhammad declaring defeat.
Muhammad(Jaime): I have seen the error of my ways. America is the greatest country in the world. I never should have attacked it. I was obviously jealous and mad because I come from a piss-poor country. God bless the USA. Now, we shall all share my virgins.
Satyr: And then all of you cheer. Cut! All right, a little more emotion next time. This scene will be a classic.
Little Boy: Mr. Satyr?
Satyr: Yes?
Little Boy: Uh, are you sure this is the right thing to do. I mean, I'm 11 years old, but even I know this is wrong.
Satyr: Do you know what I'm sitting on?
Little Boy: Uh, it's a chair.
Satyr: Wrong! It's the Director's Chair. Now, get out of here you little shit, you ain't going to be in my play.
The little boy runs off, crying.
Gweg: He does have a point, I mean that was offensive and way over the line.
Satyr: Gweg, you are the money and that's why I have invited you here. However, your opinion means as much to me as a Canadian penny. So shut it.
Gweg: I hate you.
Satyr: All right, next scene. Now in this scene, a fireman will realize his girlfriend is trapped in the first tower. Now, the second tower has already collapsed and it's believed that the first one will too. You boy, you will play the fireman. The fireman's name will be Ashton Cinder.
Gweg: Oh brother.
Satyr: The girl next to you will play your girlfriend, Tulip. And, Action!
The two kids act out their scene. The scene ends with Tulip on the roof of a building next to remaining World Trade Center Tower. She is holding on to Ashton, who is hanging over the side and also suffering a severe wound to his stomach.
Ashton: Promise me you'll never let go Tulip. Promise me you'll never let go.
Tulip: I promise Ash. I'll never let go. I'll never let go Ash.
Satyr: And then Ashton dies from his injuries and Tulip lets him go. At the same time, World Trade Center 1 starts to collapse. And that's the end of the play. Good god, the symbolism there, damn, I am a genius.
Gweg: What symbolism? Besides, that was a blatant rip-off of Titanic. You are a fucking moron.
Satyr: You'll be eating those words when we are making our millions. All right kids, you each have your scripts. Practice, practice practice! The play is in one week. See you all tomorrow.
One Week Later....
After the play was over. Satyr could hear nothing but boos and jeers. One man shouted, "We'll kill you Satyr!". Satyr turned to Gweg with a worried look on his face.
Satyr: This isn't what I had in mind.
Gweg: I told you this was going to be a disaster.
Satyr: We need to get out of here.
Man: Not so fast.
Satyr: (Gulp) Who are you?
Man: I'm a Hollywood Big-Wig and I loved what I saw out there. I want to turn your play into a movie.
Satyr: YES! Ha-Ha. I knew it.
Hollywood Big-Wig: But you're right we need to get out of here. Let's talk in your car.
Satyr: Come on Gweg, let's get in your car.
They all got into Gweg's car. It was a 1961 Lincoln Continental, open-top, modified limousine. Gweg got in the driver's side, Satyr got in the passenger side and Mr. Hollywood Big-Wig got in the back seat.
Mr. HWBW: All right Mr. Satyr, here's the deal. We buy your script, have some big Hollywood director film it, and you and your buddy here make millions of dollars.
Satyr: See Gweg. I told you this would happen.
Gweg: Yeah, you sure did.
Mr. HWBW: When we get to your house, you'll just sign the contract and sit back and watch that....
***BANG***
A gunshot rang out of nowhere. It struck Mr. Hollywood Big-Wig in the head, causing it to go back and to the left.
Satyr: The gunshot came from over there, the book depository!
Gweg: That's not a book depository, that's a McDonald's, idiot. It came from over there, on the grassy knoll.
Satyr: Look there's a man running! It's, it's.....
Gweg & Satyr: It's Oliver Stone!!!!
Oliver Stone: There will be only one 9/11 movie, suckers. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Satyr: Damn you Oliver Stone! Damn you to Hell!!!!!
The End.
When Gweg walked into their apartment, Satyr was on the phone.
Satyr: Good. We'll be there in half an hour. Have two hundred kids waiting for me in the auditorium. Good-bye.
Satyr hung up the phone and turned to Gweg.
Satyr: Good, you're home. Well, saddle up partner, we got some interesting business to take care of.
Gweg: Oh? Are we going to dress up as Jesus and convince a bunch of nuns to have sex with us?
Satyr: You know we already tried that and it didn't work. No, we are going to the Elementary School.
Gweg: Why?
Satyr: I'm going to direct a play.
Gweg: Oh yay. Why exactly do I have to come?
Satyr: Because you are the producer.
Gweg: How am I the producer?
Satyr: I maxed out all of your credit cards to make this play happen.
Gweg: You son-of-a-bitch! So that's why I'm broke. Of all the inconsiderate things...What in the hell did you need that required you to max out my cards?
Satyr: Well, several remote control model airplanes, a few to scale models of the World Trade Plaza, costumes, a directors chair, a bull horn, and this month's issue of Penthouse.
Gweg: What in the hell is this play about?
Satyr: 9/11 of course.
So, half an hour later, a very excited Satyr and a very grumpy Gweg arrived at the elementary school.
There were a little over two hundred kids sitting in the auditorium, all anxious to be apart of the big play.
The Principal was waiting for Satyr.
Principal: Hello Mr. Satyr. I'm glad that you chose this school for your major play.
Satyr: Well, I asked around, and everybody said that this is the school with the most talent.
Principal: Ha! Ha! Oh yes, we do our best to make sure our kids have the best education around.
Satyr: Uh-huh I bet you do. Well anyway, I won't be needing you hanging around, so you can go back into your office an take a nap.
Principal: Sure thing, Mr. Satyr.
Satyr: (through the bullhorn)All right kids. Now, I need all the girls to stand up.
Gweg: Excuse me.
Satyr: What is it?
Gweg: I need to talk to your for a second.
Satyr: All right. (through the bullhorn)Ok kids. I'll be back in just a minute.
Gweg: You do know I'm going to be in dept for the rest of my life.
Satyr: Oh Gweg, you are not thinking of the big picture here.
Gweg: What big picture?
Satyr: When news of my play gets out, every Hollywood Big-Wig will be banging on our door wanting movie rights. We'll be millionaires. This script I have is the likes of which Hollywood has ever dreamed. No one has ever thought of a 9/11 movie before.
Gweg: What are you talking about? Oliver Stone is going to be doing a movie on 9/11.
Satyr: Oliver Stone! That hack? Please. Next, you'll be telling me that Flight 11 wasn't the plane that hit the first tower, it was the plane on the grassy knoll!
Gweg: That doesn't even make sense.
Satyr: Whatever, let me get back to work.
Satyr has the boys sit on one side of the auditorium and the girls sit on another.
Satyr: (through the bullhorn) You there! Little boy! What's your name?
Little Boy: Jaime.
Satyr: All right Jaime, from the looks of it, you are Arab American, which is perfect.
Jaime: I'm Italian-American.
Satyr: Whatever! You will be playing the part of Muhammad. So get up on stage. Also, I need 72 girls up here.
Jaime and a whole bunch of girls get up on the stage.
Satyr: All right, now in this scene, Muhammad has just arrived in Heaven and is greeted by his 72 virgins. Uh you, girl in the back. Yeah you, I know who your mom is and there is no way you are going to be playing a virgin. Get another girl up here.
Gweg: I can't believe you are doing this.
Satyr: Hush. Now, I need 15 boys and 15 girls on the other side of the stage. Now, we will rehearse the part where some of the victims of 9/11 meet with Muhammad and his virgins. This will be the big fight scene that everyone will talk about.
Gweg: I don't doubt that at all.
Satyr: Ok. Action!
The children read off their lines and act out their fights. The scene ends with Muhammad declaring defeat.
Muhammad(Jaime): I have seen the error of my ways. America is the greatest country in the world. I never should have attacked it. I was obviously jealous and mad because I come from a piss-poor country. God bless the USA. Now, we shall all share my virgins.
Satyr: And then all of you cheer. Cut! All right, a little more emotion next time. This scene will be a classic.
Little Boy: Mr. Satyr?
Satyr: Yes?
Little Boy: Uh, are you sure this is the right thing to do. I mean, I'm 11 years old, but even I know this is wrong.
Satyr: Do you know what I'm sitting on?
Little Boy: Uh, it's a chair.
Satyr: Wrong! It's the Director's Chair. Now, get out of here you little shit, you ain't going to be in my play.
The little boy runs off, crying.
Gweg: He does have a point, I mean that was offensive and way over the line.
Satyr: Gweg, you are the money and that's why I have invited you here. However, your opinion means as much to me as a Canadian penny. So shut it.
Gweg: I hate you.
Satyr: All right, next scene. Now in this scene, a fireman will realize his girlfriend is trapped in the first tower. Now, the second tower has already collapsed and it's believed that the first one will too. You boy, you will play the fireman. The fireman's name will be Ashton Cinder.
Gweg: Oh brother.
Satyr: The girl next to you will play your girlfriend, Tulip. And, Action!
The two kids act out their scene. The scene ends with Tulip on the roof of a building next to remaining World Trade Center Tower. She is holding on to Ashton, who is hanging over the side and also suffering a severe wound to his stomach.
Ashton: Promise me you'll never let go Tulip. Promise me you'll never let go.
Tulip: I promise Ash. I'll never let go. I'll never let go Ash.
Satyr: And then Ashton dies from his injuries and Tulip lets him go. At the same time, World Trade Center 1 starts to collapse. And that's the end of the play. Good god, the symbolism there, damn, I am a genius.
Gweg: What symbolism? Besides, that was a blatant rip-off of Titanic. You are a fucking moron.
Satyr: You'll be eating those words when we are making our millions. All right kids, you each have your scripts. Practice, practice practice! The play is in one week. See you all tomorrow.
One Week Later....
After the play was over. Satyr could hear nothing but boos and jeers. One man shouted, "We'll kill you Satyr!". Satyr turned to Gweg with a worried look on his face.
Satyr: This isn't what I had in mind.
Gweg: I told you this was going to be a disaster.
Satyr: We need to get out of here.
Man: Not so fast.
Satyr: (Gulp) Who are you?
Man: I'm a Hollywood Big-Wig and I loved what I saw out there. I want to turn your play into a movie.
Satyr: YES! Ha-Ha. I knew it.
Hollywood Big-Wig: But you're right we need to get out of here. Let's talk in your car.
Satyr: Come on Gweg, let's get in your car.
They all got into Gweg's car. It was a 1961 Lincoln Continental, open-top, modified limousine. Gweg got in the driver's side, Satyr got in the passenger side and Mr. Hollywood Big-Wig got in the back seat.
Mr. HWBW: All right Mr. Satyr, here's the deal. We buy your script, have some big Hollywood director film it, and you and your buddy here make millions of dollars.
Satyr: See Gweg. I told you this would happen.
Gweg: Yeah, you sure did.
Mr. HWBW: When we get to your house, you'll just sign the contract and sit back and watch that....
***BANG***
A gunshot rang out of nowhere. It struck Mr. Hollywood Big-Wig in the head, causing it to go back and to the left.
Satyr: The gunshot came from over there, the book depository!
Gweg: That's not a book depository, that's a McDonald's, idiot. It came from over there, on the grassy knoll.
Satyr: Look there's a man running! It's, it's.....
Gweg & Satyr: It's Oliver Stone!!!!
Oliver Stone: There will be only one 9/11 movie, suckers. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Satyr: Damn you Oliver Stone! Damn you to Hell!!!!!
The End.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Fallopian Tube Harry
On this particular day, we find our intrepid hero, The Virtual Satyr, and his ever faithful sidekick, Gweg, going to the local burger joint to get some grub. Unknown to our brave heroes, trouble is waiting for them there.
Satyr: Oh shit!
Gweg: What is it?
Satyr: Do you see the cook back there?
Gweg: Where?...Oh, my god, what the hell is that?
What Gweg was looking at was a giant part of the female anatomy. Except it had arms and legs.
Satyr: That is Fallopian Tube Harry .
Gweg: What the hell?
Satyr: I used to date him...Well, back before he had his sex change.
Gweg: This is all starting to be too much for me.
Satyr: He used to be a she...And her name was Testicle Tina.
Gweg: Let me get this straight: You used to date a walking pair of balls, which, for some odd reason, was female...Then this pair of balls got a sex change, and became a male set of Fallopian tubes.
Satyr: Yep.
Gweg: This fucked up beyond anything I have seen or heard while in your company.
Satyr: Yeah, well if you think this is weird you ain't.....oh shit, he saw me!
Fallopian Tube Harry walks over to Satyr & Gweg's table.
Harry: Well, well. well. What have we here. It's Satyr and his new boyfriend. Watch out boy, he'll break your heart.
Satyr: Gweg is not my boyfriend.
Gweg: I need to use the restroom.
Gweg got out of his chair and ran to the bathroom.
Harry: Good we're alone. We can talk about old times.
Satyr: I don't want to talk about any times. I just came here to eat, but now my appetite is ruined.
Harry: What happened to us? We were in love.
Satyr: I was blind for three years from the fire extiguisher accident. I didn't know you were a walking pair of testicles.
Harry: Didn't you find it odd that my name was "Testicle Tina"?
Satyr: I thought you were named that because you were a whore, not because you were a set of balls.
Harry: I had always believed that love would blind you from my appearance.
Satyr: That's bullshit. I still recall the horror of looking at you for the first time. If you hadn't stopped me from grabbing the fire extinguisher from the wall, we may have been able to work things out.
Harry: But I changed, I changed for you!
Satyr: Yes, the sex change was touching, but it also gave you a male personality!
Harry: I can't live without you! I won't live without you. We will spend eternity together, IN HELL!!!!
Fallopian Tube Harry then pulled out a gun and pointed it at Satyr. At that time, Gweg was coming out of the bathroom.
Satyr yelled out at him.
Satyr: Gweg get the gun!
Gweg ran at Harry, tackling him to the ground. As they wrestled, the gun went off.
Gweg got up.
Gweg: The gun went off in his hand, he's been shot.
Fallopian Tube Harry laid on the ground, bleeding.
Harry: I will always love you Satyr.
Fallopian Tube Harry Died there on the floor.
Satyr: You know something, all that excitement brought my appetite back.
Satyr grabbed his fork and started eating Fallopian Tube Harry.
Gweg: What in the Blue Fucking Hell are you doing?!?!
Satyr: Sorry Gweg. What was I thinking? We need to cook it first.
Satyr: Oh shit!
Gweg: What is it?
Satyr: Do you see the cook back there?
Gweg: Where?...Oh, my god, what the hell is that?
What Gweg was looking at was a giant part of the female anatomy. Except it had arms and legs.
Satyr: That is Fallopian Tube Harry .
Gweg: What the hell?
Satyr: I used to date him...Well, back before he had his sex change.
Gweg: This is all starting to be too much for me.
Satyr: He used to be a she...And her name was Testicle Tina.
Gweg: Let me get this straight: You used to date a walking pair of balls, which, for some odd reason, was female...Then this pair of balls got a sex change, and became a male set of Fallopian tubes.
Satyr: Yep.
Gweg: This fucked up beyond anything I have seen or heard while in your company.
Satyr: Yeah, well if you think this is weird you ain't.....oh shit, he saw me!
Fallopian Tube Harry walks over to Satyr & Gweg's table.
Harry: Well, well. well. What have we here. It's Satyr and his new boyfriend. Watch out boy, he'll break your heart.
Satyr: Gweg is not my boyfriend.
Gweg: I need to use the restroom.
Gweg got out of his chair and ran to the bathroom.
Harry: Good we're alone. We can talk about old times.
Satyr: I don't want to talk about any times. I just came here to eat, but now my appetite is ruined.
Harry: What happened to us? We were in love.
Satyr: I was blind for three years from the fire extiguisher accident. I didn't know you were a walking pair of testicles.
Harry: Didn't you find it odd that my name was "Testicle Tina"?
Satyr: I thought you were named that because you were a whore, not because you were a set of balls.
Harry: I had always believed that love would blind you from my appearance.
Satyr: That's bullshit. I still recall the horror of looking at you for the first time. If you hadn't stopped me from grabbing the fire extinguisher from the wall, we may have been able to work things out.
Harry: But I changed, I changed for you!
Satyr: Yes, the sex change was touching, but it also gave you a male personality!
Harry: I can't live without you! I won't live without you. We will spend eternity together, IN HELL!!!!
Fallopian Tube Harry then pulled out a gun and pointed it at Satyr. At that time, Gweg was coming out of the bathroom.
Satyr yelled out at him.
Satyr: Gweg get the gun!
Gweg ran at Harry, tackling him to the ground. As they wrestled, the gun went off.
Gweg got up.
Gweg: The gun went off in his hand, he's been shot.
Fallopian Tube Harry laid on the ground, bleeding.
Harry: I will always love you Satyr.
Fallopian Tube Harry Died there on the floor.
Satyr: You know something, all that excitement brought my appetite back.
Satyr grabbed his fork and started eating Fallopian Tube Harry.
Gweg: What in the Blue Fucking Hell are you doing?!?!
Satyr: Sorry Gweg. What was I thinking? We need to cook it first.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
A Comatose's Midnight Dream
German cardinal elected new pope
Ratzinger to be known as Benedict XVI
VATICAN CITY (CNN) -- Wearing traditional papal robes and a large smile, Joseph Ratzinger of Germany appeared Tuesday on a Vatican balcony as the 265th pontiff, Benedict XVI, as tens of thousands gathered in St. Peter's Square to cheer him.
Gweg put down his paper as Satyr entered the room.
Satyr: What were you reading that was so interesting?
Gweg: They elected a new pope.
Satyr: They did what?
Gweg: They got a new pope. His name Ratzinger.
Satyr: Those sons-of-bitches. I should have been the new pope.
Gweg: Why you?
Satyr: Because I would have taught those Christians a thing or two.
Gweg: They are Catholics.
Satyr: Whatever. There is only one thing to do now, I must go to the Vatican and challenge the new pope.
Gweg: Oh goodie.
And so it was, Satyr & Gweg went to Vatican City.
As soon as they got off their plane, they heard a strange female voice that seemed to come from everywhere.
Strange Female Voice: WHY ARE THEY LETTING ME SUFFER?
Satyr: Eh, that was weird.
Satyr & Gweg arrived at the Vatican where Pope Benedict was giving a speech.
Pope Benedict: Yeah, dat is good. We shall rain down much hell on all the infidels.
Satyr: Yo, Pope! You and me are going brawl, winner take all!
Pope Ben: Yah, bring it on ya chump.
Satyr leapt from the ground, reached behind his back, drew a sword, and used it to cut off Pope Ben's head.
As the head landed on the ground, circuitry could be seen coming up from the decapitated Pope's body. The head landed amidst a bunch of sparks.
Satyr: Son of a monkeyfucker on acid. It was a Pope Bot.
Satyr heard a voice high above him. It was the real Pope Ben shouting from a window.
Pope Ben: Ha ha silly Satyr, you will never defeat me. There are plenty more Pope Bots where dat came from.
Gweg: Well, this was a waste of time.
Satyr: It's not over yet. I have one more trick up my sleeve. Come on.
Gweg and Satyr went over to St. Peter's Basilica, where they bury the popes. When they got there, they heard the strange female voice again.
Strange Female Voice: JUST LET ME DIE! PLEASE LET ME DIE!
Satyr: Man, that is really starting to creep me out.
Gweg: What are we doing here?
Satyr: We satyrs have many great abilities. Such as the one you are about to witness.
Gweg: Damn, I wish I had brought popcorn.
Satyr gave Gweg a scornful look and then got down on his knees.
Satyr: Oh wise and strong Pope John Paul, please come and help us.
Pope John Paul's Ghost: What's da matta wit you?
Satyr: I need your help to defeat the new evil Nazi pope.
Pope JP's Ghost: Why shoulda I helpa you?
Satyr: He called Castro a bitch.
Pope JP's Ghost: Let'sa kicka his ass.
Gweg: Why do you have a bad Italian accent? You were Polish.
Pope: Hey, I'm dead. It's about time I get to make fun of that accent.
Satyr, Gweg, & Pope John Paul's Ghost get back to the front of Vatican City. Satyr calls out Pope Ben.
After he does that, 12 Popebots come out and confront them.
Satyr: Crap, there's too many.
Pope JP's Ghost: It's ok Satyr, the real one is there with them, he's the second one from the left.
Satyr whips out his AK-47 and puts about 50 rounds into the body of Pope Benedict.
Satyr: The Pope is dead! Long live Pope Satyr!
The Popebots look at the smoking corpse of Pope Ben and start talking to each other, then all of the sudden, they combine into one giant Popebot!
Giant Popebot: We are Mega Popezoid! We will kill you!
Satyr: Oh shit.
Pope JP's Ghost: Quick, follow me!
Pope Jp leads Satyr to the Vatican's parking lot where sits the famous Popemobile. Satyrand Pope JP climbed inside.
Satyr: How is this supposed to keep me safe?
Pope JP's Ghost: I don't know, I always felt safe in it.
Satyr: The Mega Popezoid will crush me in this thing!
Pope JP's Ghost: Eh, it won't hurt me, I'm just a ghost.
Satyr: That's it. The Power of Pan Compels You!
After Saty said that, the ghost of Pope John Paul banished in thin air. Satyr heard the Mega Popezoid coming closer and hurried out of the Popemobile. As he climbed out, he saw a strange button behind the gas cap. Satyr pushed it.
The Popemobile suddenly turned into a giant robot! It was a transformer. As the Mega Popezoid came into view, the Popemobile instantly took it's battle stance in what would have been the greatest robot fight since R2-D2 VS. H.E.R.B.I.E.
But something strange started happening. The sky started getting dark. Gweg ran up to Satyr screaming.
Gweg: This isn't real! It's all fake! It's all going fast!
Satyr: What!
Then they heard a new voice that seemed to come from everywhere. This voice was male.
Strange Male Voice: Finally, she can rest in peace.
And everything went black.
Terri Schiavo has died
Thursday, March 31, 2005 Posted: 10:07 AM EST (1507 GMT)
WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Terri Schiavo, the 41-year-old brain-damaged woman who became the centerpiece of a national right-to-die battle, died Thursday morning, nearly two weeks after doctors removed the feeding tube that had sustained her for more than a decade.
Gweg put down his paper as Satyr entered the room.
Satyr: What were you reading that was so interesting?
Gweg: Terri Schiavo died.
Satyr: Well it's about damn time.
Gweg: That's a bit insensitive.
Satyr: What? She was suffering, I said a long time ago they should just let her rest in peace.
Gweg: Oh. Well, it's usually bad stuff that comes from your mouth.
Satyr: Whatever. Hey, I bet you ten bucks that Pope John Paul is the next one to kick the bucket.
Ratzinger to be known as Benedict XVI
VATICAN CITY (CNN) -- Wearing traditional papal robes and a large smile, Joseph Ratzinger of Germany appeared Tuesday on a Vatican balcony as the 265th pontiff, Benedict XVI, as tens of thousands gathered in St. Peter's Square to cheer him.
Gweg put down his paper as Satyr entered the room.
Satyr: What were you reading that was so interesting?
Gweg: They elected a new pope.
Satyr: They did what?
Gweg: They got a new pope. His name Ratzinger.
Satyr: Those sons-of-bitches. I should have been the new pope.
Gweg: Why you?
Satyr: Because I would have taught those Christians a thing or two.
Gweg: They are Catholics.
Satyr: Whatever. There is only one thing to do now, I must go to the Vatican and challenge the new pope.
Gweg: Oh goodie.
And so it was, Satyr & Gweg went to Vatican City.
As soon as they got off their plane, they heard a strange female voice that seemed to come from everywhere.
Strange Female Voice: WHY ARE THEY LETTING ME SUFFER?
Satyr: Eh, that was weird.
Satyr & Gweg arrived at the Vatican where Pope Benedict was giving a speech.
Pope Benedict: Yeah, dat is good. We shall rain down much hell on all the infidels.
Satyr: Yo, Pope! You and me are going brawl, winner take all!
Pope Ben: Yah, bring it on ya chump.
Satyr leapt from the ground, reached behind his back, drew a sword, and used it to cut off Pope Ben's head.
As the head landed on the ground, circuitry could be seen coming up from the decapitated Pope's body. The head landed amidst a bunch of sparks.
Satyr: Son of a monkeyfucker on acid. It was a Pope Bot.
Satyr heard a voice high above him. It was the real Pope Ben shouting from a window.
Pope Ben: Ha ha silly Satyr, you will never defeat me. There are plenty more Pope Bots where dat came from.
Gweg: Well, this was a waste of time.
Satyr: It's not over yet. I have one more trick up my sleeve. Come on.
Gweg and Satyr went over to St. Peter's Basilica, where they bury the popes. When they got there, they heard the strange female voice again.
Strange Female Voice: JUST LET ME DIE! PLEASE LET ME DIE!
Satyr: Man, that is really starting to creep me out.
Gweg: What are we doing here?
Satyr: We satyrs have many great abilities. Such as the one you are about to witness.
Gweg: Damn, I wish I had brought popcorn.
Satyr gave Gweg a scornful look and then got down on his knees.
Satyr: Oh wise and strong Pope John Paul, please come and help us.
Pope John Paul's Ghost: What's da matta wit you?
Satyr: I need your help to defeat the new evil Nazi pope.
Pope JP's Ghost: Why shoulda I helpa you?
Satyr: He called Castro a bitch.
Pope JP's Ghost: Let'sa kicka his ass.
Gweg: Why do you have a bad Italian accent? You were Polish.
Pope: Hey, I'm dead. It's about time I get to make fun of that accent.
Satyr, Gweg, & Pope John Paul's Ghost get back to the front of Vatican City. Satyr calls out Pope Ben.
After he does that, 12 Popebots come out and confront them.
Satyr: Crap, there's too many.
Pope JP's Ghost: It's ok Satyr, the real one is there with them, he's the second one from the left.
Satyr whips out his AK-47 and puts about 50 rounds into the body of Pope Benedict.
Satyr: The Pope is dead! Long live Pope Satyr!
The Popebots look at the smoking corpse of Pope Ben and start talking to each other, then all of the sudden, they combine into one giant Popebot!
Giant Popebot: We are Mega Popezoid! We will kill you!
Satyr: Oh shit.
Pope JP's Ghost: Quick, follow me!
Pope Jp leads Satyr to the Vatican's parking lot where sits the famous Popemobile. Satyrand Pope JP climbed inside.
Satyr: How is this supposed to keep me safe?
Pope JP's Ghost: I don't know, I always felt safe in it.
Satyr: The Mega Popezoid will crush me in this thing!
Pope JP's Ghost: Eh, it won't hurt me, I'm just a ghost.
Satyr: That's it. The Power of Pan Compels You!
After Saty said that, the ghost of Pope John Paul banished in thin air. Satyr heard the Mega Popezoid coming closer and hurried out of the Popemobile. As he climbed out, he saw a strange button behind the gas cap. Satyr pushed it.
The Popemobile suddenly turned into a giant robot! It was a transformer. As the Mega Popezoid came into view, the Popemobile instantly took it's battle stance in what would have been the greatest robot fight since R2-D2 VS. H.E.R.B.I.E.
But something strange started happening. The sky started getting dark. Gweg ran up to Satyr screaming.
Gweg: This isn't real! It's all fake! It's all going fast!
Satyr: What!
Then they heard a new voice that seemed to come from everywhere. This voice was male.
Strange Male Voice: Finally, she can rest in peace.
And everything went black.
Terri Schiavo has died
Thursday, March 31, 2005 Posted: 10:07 AM EST (1507 GMT)
WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Terri Schiavo, the 41-year-old brain-damaged woman who became the centerpiece of a national right-to-die battle, died Thursday morning, nearly two weeks after doctors removed the feeding tube that had sustained her for more than a decade.
Gweg put down his paper as Satyr entered the room.
Satyr: What were you reading that was so interesting?
Gweg: Terri Schiavo died.
Satyr: Well it's about damn time.
Gweg: That's a bit insensitive.
Satyr: What? She was suffering, I said a long time ago they should just let her rest in peace.
Gweg: Oh. Well, it's usually bad stuff that comes from your mouth.
Satyr: Whatever. Hey, I bet you ten bucks that Pope John Paul is the next one to kick the bucket.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Rosebud was a Sled
Gweg was sitting on the couch reading Stephen King's The Dark Tower VII, when the Satyr had come back home from the video rental place.
The Satyr was empty handed.
Gweg: I thought you were renting videos.
Satyr: I was, but then I had this brilliant idea.
Gweg: Oh, I can't wait to hear this one.
Satyr ignored him, went over to their DVD collection and started pulling a few out.
Satyr: You see these, these all have "secret endings". Take The Usual Suspects for example, "Verbal" Kint turns out to be covering for Keaton by making up some story about some mysterious bad guy named Keyser Soze.
Gweg: You idiot, "Verbal" Kint was Keyser Soze.
Satyr: Really?
Gweg: Yes, really.
Satyr: Huh, I'm going to have to watch it again. Anyway, I was thinking, we should make a website that has all of the endings to the movies, we could charge a fortune.
Gweg: There are already sites like that and they don't charge a thing.
Satyr: Are you sure?
Gweg: Yes, there is http://www.moviepooper.com and http://www.themoviespoiler.com.
Satyr: Yeah well, be that as it may, we will put down more than just the ending, we will put down our detailed dissection of the ending, it's significance on the movie and of life itself. we will put down exactly what the director wanted us to get from this ending and people will pay for our expertise.
Gweg: First of all: no, they won't. Second of all: you are still trying to figure out the ending to No Way Out.
At hearing this, the Satyr sat down and once again pondered the ending to that movie for an hour. After deciding once again it was a lost cause, the Satyr tried to convince Gweg to go with his idea.
Satyr: Ok, listen. This is my idea on what we would do with, oh let's say, The Passion of the Christ.
Gweg: I don't want to hear this.
Satyr: Bare with me, I watched this movie and I also read the book. I can put down a very detailed report on the ending.
Gweg: Most people know how it ended without even seeing it.
Satyr: That's not the point, you see. The point is, they don't understand it.
Gweg: And you do?
Satyr: That's correct.
Gweg: Enlighten me.
Satyr: After carefull study, I have come up with the only possible meaning to the ending: Jesus was a zombie.
Gweg: Oh my god.
Satyr: Think about it, what kind of creature can rise from the dead? A zombie, that's the only answer.
Gweg: So, according to you, millions of people are worshipping a zombie.
Satyr: Of course not. They are worshipping a figment of their imagination.
And that is our lesson for today kids: Christians are a weird bunch.
The Satyr was empty handed.
Gweg: I thought you were renting videos.
Satyr: I was, but then I had this brilliant idea.
Gweg: Oh, I can't wait to hear this one.
Satyr ignored him, went over to their DVD collection and started pulling a few out.
Satyr: You see these, these all have "secret endings". Take The Usual Suspects for example, "Verbal" Kint turns out to be covering for Keaton by making up some story about some mysterious bad guy named Keyser Soze.
Gweg: You idiot, "Verbal" Kint was Keyser Soze.
Satyr: Really?
Gweg: Yes, really.
Satyr: Huh, I'm going to have to watch it again. Anyway, I was thinking, we should make a website that has all of the endings to the movies, we could charge a fortune.
Gweg: There are already sites like that and they don't charge a thing.
Satyr: Are you sure?
Gweg: Yes, there is http://www.moviepooper.com and http://www.themoviespoiler.com.
Satyr: Yeah well, be that as it may, we will put down more than just the ending, we will put down our detailed dissection of the ending, it's significance on the movie and of life itself. we will put down exactly what the director wanted us to get from this ending and people will pay for our expertise.
Gweg: First of all: no, they won't. Second of all: you are still trying to figure out the ending to No Way Out.
At hearing this, the Satyr sat down and once again pondered the ending to that movie for an hour. After deciding once again it was a lost cause, the Satyr tried to convince Gweg to go with his idea.
Satyr: Ok, listen. This is my idea on what we would do with, oh let's say, The Passion of the Christ.
Gweg: I don't want to hear this.
Satyr: Bare with me, I watched this movie and I also read the book. I can put down a very detailed report on the ending.
Gweg: Most people know how it ended without even seeing it.
Satyr: That's not the point, you see. The point is, they don't understand it.
Gweg: And you do?
Satyr: That's correct.
Gweg: Enlighten me.
Satyr: After carefull study, I have come up with the only possible meaning to the ending: Jesus was a zombie.
Gweg: Oh my god.
Satyr: Think about it, what kind of creature can rise from the dead? A zombie, that's the only answer.
Gweg: So, according to you, millions of people are worshipping a zombie.
Satyr: Of course not. They are worshipping a figment of their imagination.
And that is our lesson for today kids: Christians are a weird bunch.
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
1-900-Satyr
Satyr: "Ha Ha! Gweg! I got it figured out!"
The Satyr was excited about something and Gweg could hardly wait to find out what it was. Actually, Gweg couldn't wait to watch the Satyr fail at whatever he was doing this time.
Gweg: "What is it?"
Satyr: "You know how all of these women keep telling me I have a sexy voice?"
Gweg: "Uh...no."
Satyr: "Well they do. It has been mentioned many times. So I thought to myself, 'Hmmm, what would be the best way to benefit from such a great gift?' And like that, poof!, the answer came to me."
Gweg: "I am going to regret asking this, but what?"
Satyr: "I am going to create my own 900 number."
Gweg: "Yep, I can see this working."
And so it came to pass, the Virtual Satyr came up with his own phone sex hotline: 1-900-SEXY-SATYR.
Satyr: "All right. Everything is in place. Soon, I will be talking to hundreds of lonesome ladies out there, all in need of some Satyr Spice in their life."
Gweg just shook his head.
After a few hours, the first call came in.
Satyr: "Hello. This is the Satyr speaking. I am ready to please you. Why don't you tell me your name.
Caller with a deep female voice: "My name is Martha."
Satyr: "Martha, what a sexy name. Tell me Martha. What would you like me to do for you?"
Martha: "First you can start by cleaning this damn floor."
Satyr: "Uh ok. Would you like me to do this in the nude?"
Martha: "I don't care if you do it wearing a tank top and bell bottoms, that fucking floor better be clean."
Satyr: "But Martha, there is so much more I can do for you."
Martha: "I hear a lot of talking, when I should be hearing a lot vacuuming."
Satyr: "Ok. I'll vacuum. Uh..vroom vroom vroom...you know Martha, there is a lot of nifty things I could be doing with this vacuum cleaner."
Martha: "The only thing you had better be doing with it is cleaning the goddamn floor, bitch."
Satyr: "Oh that's it."
Satyr hanged up the phone. He looked at Gweg. Gweg was laughing.
Satyr: "Ok. So the first one was a freak. You'll get that from time to time in this business. But, it doesn't matter. The next call will be some poor undersexed chick, and I'll be so good, she won't be able to get enough.
Gweg: "Whatever you say, Romeo"
Satyr gave Gweg an angry look. Soon after that the phone rang again.
Satyr: "Hello. This is the Satyr at your service. What can I do for you, sexy lady?"
Caller with a high pitched male voice: "Well oh so sexy Satyr let me tell you this; it's not what you can do for me, it's what I can do to you."
Satyr immediately hanged up the phone. He looked over at Gweg, who was rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off.
Satyr: "Oh, you think it's funny, huh? Well then Gweg, why don't you give it a shot then. Let's see how well that squeaky voice of yours does on the phone. We'll get a lot of money from the next caller, because they wont be able to hang up the phone from laughing to hard."
Gweg: "You're on."
The phone rang and Gweg picked it up.
Gweg: "Hello. My name is Gweg. Let's talk, about anything you'd like."
Caller with a throaty, sultry, sexy voice: "Hello Gweg. You have an interesting voice for a 900 phone sex guy. You sound like a person I could talk all night to."
Gweg put his hand over the phone and looked at the Satyr.
Gweg: "I'd better take this to the other room."
Gweg got up and went to the other room. As Gweg was leaving, Satyr could hear him say, "Wow. It must be really cold where you are at."
The Satyr watched Gweg leave with a disgusted look on his face. "That damn bastard" he grumbled. All of the sudden there was a fierce pounding on the front door.
Satyr: "Yeah! Just a second! I'll be right there."
Satyr got up and went to the door. When he opened it, he saw a very tall, very big woman standing there. The Satyr knew who it was, even before she spoke.
Woman at the door: "Guess what, bitch. My windows need washing too."
The Satyr was excited about something and Gweg could hardly wait to find out what it was. Actually, Gweg couldn't wait to watch the Satyr fail at whatever he was doing this time.
Gweg: "What is it?"
Satyr: "You know how all of these women keep telling me I have a sexy voice?"
Gweg: "Uh...no."
Satyr: "Well they do. It has been mentioned many times. So I thought to myself, 'Hmmm, what would be the best way to benefit from such a great gift?' And like that, poof!, the answer came to me."
Gweg: "I am going to regret asking this, but what?"
Satyr: "I am going to create my own 900 number."
Gweg: "Yep, I can see this working."
And so it came to pass, the Virtual Satyr came up with his own phone sex hotline: 1-900-SEXY-SATYR.
Satyr: "All right. Everything is in place. Soon, I will be talking to hundreds of lonesome ladies out there, all in need of some Satyr Spice in their life."
Gweg just shook his head.
After a few hours, the first call came in.
Satyr: "Hello. This is the Satyr speaking. I am ready to please you. Why don't you tell me your name.
Caller with a deep female voice: "My name is Martha."
Satyr: "Martha, what a sexy name. Tell me Martha. What would you like me to do for you?"
Martha: "First you can start by cleaning this damn floor."
Satyr: "Uh ok. Would you like me to do this in the nude?"
Martha: "I don't care if you do it wearing a tank top and bell bottoms, that fucking floor better be clean."
Satyr: "But Martha, there is so much more I can do for you."
Martha: "I hear a lot of talking, when I should be hearing a lot vacuuming."
Satyr: "Ok. I'll vacuum. Uh..vroom vroom vroom...you know Martha, there is a lot of nifty things I could be doing with this vacuum cleaner."
Martha: "The only thing you had better be doing with it is cleaning the goddamn floor, bitch."
Satyr: "Oh that's it."
Satyr hanged up the phone. He looked at Gweg. Gweg was laughing.
Satyr: "Ok. So the first one was a freak. You'll get that from time to time in this business. But, it doesn't matter. The next call will be some poor undersexed chick, and I'll be so good, she won't be able to get enough.
Gweg: "Whatever you say, Romeo"
Satyr gave Gweg an angry look. Soon after that the phone rang again.
Satyr: "Hello. This is the Satyr at your service. What can I do for you, sexy lady?"
Caller with a high pitched male voice: "Well oh so sexy Satyr let me tell you this; it's not what you can do for me, it's what I can do to you."
Satyr immediately hanged up the phone. He looked over at Gweg, who was rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off.
Satyr: "Oh, you think it's funny, huh? Well then Gweg, why don't you give it a shot then. Let's see how well that squeaky voice of yours does on the phone. We'll get a lot of money from the next caller, because they wont be able to hang up the phone from laughing to hard."
Gweg: "You're on."
The phone rang and Gweg picked it up.
Gweg: "Hello. My name is Gweg. Let's talk, about anything you'd like."
Caller with a throaty, sultry, sexy voice: "Hello Gweg. You have an interesting voice for a 900 phone sex guy. You sound like a person I could talk all night to."
Gweg put his hand over the phone and looked at the Satyr.
Gweg: "I'd better take this to the other room."
Gweg got up and went to the other room. As Gweg was leaving, Satyr could hear him say, "Wow. It must be really cold where you are at."
The Satyr watched Gweg leave with a disgusted look on his face. "That damn bastard" he grumbled. All of the sudden there was a fierce pounding on the front door.
Satyr: "Yeah! Just a second! I'll be right there."
Satyr got up and went to the door. When he opened it, he saw a very tall, very big woman standing there. The Satyr knew who it was, even before she spoke.
Woman at the door: "Guess what, bitch. My windows need washing too."
Friday, May 07, 2004
Counterfeit Money
"What are you doing?"
"I am making counterfeit money."
Gweg did not like this idea. Gweg didn't like anything about the situation he was in for that matter. For eternity, Gweg was damned, traveling to dimension to dimension, always being killed off by a great being known only as the "Richard". For some odd reason, the current Earth dimension he was in did not have the "Richard".
Instead, it had this chaos causing, trouble making creature. He called himself the Virtual Satyr.
Gweg asked, "Isn't counterfeiting illegal?"
The Satyr said, "Of course not Gweg. In fact the government encourages people to make their own money, because it helps them out, that means less money for them to make."
Gweg said, "I don't know. It still sounds fishy."
The Satyr said, "Think about it this way Gweg; we are getting paid to print money. The money we are getting paid with, is the money we print. We are simply cutting out the middle man."
Gweg said, "I guess that makes sense."
"Of course it does, because I thought of it. Everything I do has a reason and it is always right. Don't worry Gweg, you are in good hands."
Gweg took a look at one of the bills. Gweg could instantly tell it was fake. Gweg asked the Satyr,
"Why does it say 'In Bob Dylan We Trust'."
The Satyr said, "Because 'In God We Trust' caused to much controversy. Therefore, I changed that little slogan, and I picked a suitable replacement, somebody all Americans could get behind, and that man is Bob Dylan."
Gweg said, "Why couldn't you put something like, 'Our Leaders', or 'Our Founding Fathers', or 'A Higher Power'".
The Satyr said, "These people that you mention, yes I know them, they are quite lame."
So Gweg and The Satyr went out to spend their fake money. Their first stop was at at the drive-up hot dog stand.
The Satyr ordered some food.
"Yeah, I'll take 50 cheese dogs, 5 orders of fries, and two giant jugs of root beer."
The chick who took their order started to walk away, but then the Satyr remembered something.
"Hey wait, I forgot something."
The chick walked back to the car.
"Hey Gweg, what do you want to eat?"
It was an hour later until all of their food was made, when the Satyr paid the chick, she could tell the money was fake.
"Excuse me sir, but I'm pretty sure that this fat guy with a beard is not supposed to be on a twenty."
The Satyr said, "That's George Lucas for your information."
The chick said, "Well whoever he is, he's not on real twenties. And who the hell is Bob Dylan anyway?"
The Satyr said, "Well, if you are going to put up such a fuss, I'm not going to leave you a tip."
The chick said, "whateva." and left with all of the food.
Gweg said, "I told you it wasn't going to work."
The Satyr said, "Don't worry, I have a plan, we'll get some use out of this money."
Sunday. Church.
The preacher was given the collection plate, and he shouted "Hallelujah!" as soon as he saw it. The plate was filled the most money he has ever seen.
The preacher said, "I would like to thank God for sending such generous souls to this church." The preacher picked up one of the bills. "You see this bretheren, this is a sign that God watches out for his own..." The preacher then had a stumped look on his face.
"Who the hell is Bob Dylan?"
"I am making counterfeit money."
Gweg did not like this idea. Gweg didn't like anything about the situation he was in for that matter. For eternity, Gweg was damned, traveling to dimension to dimension, always being killed off by a great being known only as the "Richard". For some odd reason, the current Earth dimension he was in did not have the "Richard".
Instead, it had this chaos causing, trouble making creature. He called himself the Virtual Satyr.
Gweg asked, "Isn't counterfeiting illegal?"
The Satyr said, "Of course not Gweg. In fact the government encourages people to make their own money, because it helps them out, that means less money for them to make."
Gweg said, "I don't know. It still sounds fishy."
The Satyr said, "Think about it this way Gweg; we are getting paid to print money. The money we are getting paid with, is the money we print. We are simply cutting out the middle man."
Gweg said, "I guess that makes sense."
"Of course it does, because I thought of it. Everything I do has a reason and it is always right. Don't worry Gweg, you are in good hands."
Gweg took a look at one of the bills. Gweg could instantly tell it was fake. Gweg asked the Satyr,
"Why does it say 'In Bob Dylan We Trust'."
The Satyr said, "Because 'In God We Trust' caused to much controversy. Therefore, I changed that little slogan, and I picked a suitable replacement, somebody all Americans could get behind, and that man is Bob Dylan."
Gweg said, "Why couldn't you put something like, 'Our Leaders', or 'Our Founding Fathers', or 'A Higher Power'".
The Satyr said, "These people that you mention, yes I know them, they are quite lame."
So Gweg and The Satyr went out to spend their fake money. Their first stop was at at the drive-up hot dog stand.
The Satyr ordered some food.
"Yeah, I'll take 50 cheese dogs, 5 orders of fries, and two giant jugs of root beer."
The chick who took their order started to walk away, but then the Satyr remembered something.
"Hey wait, I forgot something."
The chick walked back to the car.
"Hey Gweg, what do you want to eat?"
It was an hour later until all of their food was made, when the Satyr paid the chick, she could tell the money was fake.
"Excuse me sir, but I'm pretty sure that this fat guy with a beard is not supposed to be on a twenty."
The Satyr said, "That's George Lucas for your information."
The chick said, "Well whoever he is, he's not on real twenties. And who the hell is Bob Dylan anyway?"
The Satyr said, "Well, if you are going to put up such a fuss, I'm not going to leave you a tip."
The chick said, "whateva." and left with all of the food.
Gweg said, "I told you it wasn't going to work."
The Satyr said, "Don't worry, I have a plan, we'll get some use out of this money."
Sunday. Church.
The preacher was given the collection plate, and he shouted "Hallelujah!" as soon as he saw it. The plate was filled the most money he has ever seen.
The preacher said, "I would like to thank God for sending such generous souls to this church." The preacher picked up one of the bills. "You see this bretheren, this is a sign that God watches out for his own..." The preacher then had a stumped look on his face.
"Who the hell is Bob Dylan?"
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