Satyr stood in the middle of the empty field and held his smart phone up in front of him. He opened the video camera app and pressed record.
Satyr: My name is Pollyknuckle Applebee. I am recording this video to let everyone know, that yes, while I did have a hand in all that has transpired, I am not the one to shoulder the blame. This is all Gweg's fault.
(For Maximum Story Effect, listen to this: http://youtu.be/HEmx23LwFhI as you look at the title picture.)
ABOUT ONE MONTH EARLIER
Gweg walked out of the church and actually stopped to smell the fresh air. Gweg had not seen or heard from Satyr 5 months. He felt like he was truly getting a fresh start.
He heard a voice from behind him. He recognized it instantly. The voice of a former adversary now turned friend.
Det. Watterson: Hello Reverend. Great service today.
The Detective stuck out his hand and Gweg shook it with a big smile on his face. Ever since turning his life around and cutting off ties with Satyr, Gweg found he was able to make friends a lot easier. And actual normal friends for that matter.
Watterson had been a skeptic of Gweg's new found faith and Church leadership, but he quickly discovered that Gweg was sincere. Gweg's efforts to bring down Satyr helped convince him.
Gweg: Thank you, Gary. I'm curious on how the Pink Dew Shampoo investigation is doing.
Watterson hung his head.
Watterson: We're are exactly where we were last week: nowhere. Hell, I'm still trying to wrap my head around the whole thing. A shampoo that gets people high. The Mayor is all over me about this. We are getting more reports of increased sales. It's become a headache.
The Detective let out a long drawn sigh.
Gweg: I have warned my congregation about this shampoo. I also told them if they heard anything about it or this Schwarzkopf guy, they should inform you immediately.
Watterson: I appreciate that. This drug kingpin, this Schwarzkopf, he knows what he's doing. We've got a genuine criminal mastermind on our hands.
Jimmy Green was parked in the driveway for 2 minutes until he realized it belonged to his next-door neighbors. He had a habit of doing this when he was stoned. He backed out and pulled into his driveway. He retrieved the grocery bag from the passenger side and called out towards the house.
Jimmy: Yo, Mr. Schwarzkopf, I got the stuff! Let's make some shampoo!
5 seconds later, "Schwarzkopf" came storming out of the house.
Schwarzkopf: How many times do I have to tell you not to use that name? That name is only used when we are doing business with other people. Here, and anywhere else, you call me Mr. Satyr.
Jimmy: Yeah, sorry about that Mr. Satyr. Yo, I got it, how about I just call you Mr. S.? That way it can stand for Satyr and Schwarzkopf. At least I think Schwarzkopf is spelled with an S.
Satyr: Fine, whatever gets you to stop saying the name. Oh yeah, and ix-nay on the ampoo-shay.
Jimmy pulled out the shopping list that was in his pocket.
Jimmy: I don't see any of that stuff written down here. Do I need to go back, cause I didn't pick that stuff up?
Satyr grabbed the list out of Jimmy's hand.
Satyr: Just get the stuff into the house and stop shouting my name or anything about shampoo.
Jimmy: You got it Mr. S.
Jimmy felt good for remembering to call him Mr. S. He held up a fist in order for Satyr to bump it. Satyr sighed and gave it up.
Jimmy: Ya dawg! Let's brew some Pink Dew!
Satyr fought back the urge to strangle him and followed him inside.
Mike-El was already inside, setting up the equipment.
Jimmy: Yo Mike, I got the stuff! I ran into a couple of friends down at the store and they think Pink Dew is the mad bomb, yo! So, Mike, I know you take care of the interview process and these two guys are all about wanting to sell our product. So, you want I should bring them over?
Mike looked over at Satyr. Satyr just glared.
Mike: Uh, no, I'll go see them, Jimmy. I'll let you know when I decide to meet them. Now, can you go into the kitchen and get the electric mixer?
Jimmy: Sure thing Mike!
Jimmy left the room. Mike knew what was coming next.
Satyr: Why in the hell did I agree to let you hire him?
Mike: Neither of us know anything about selling drugs. This guy does. He's been a big help in that department.
Satyr: That's the only reason why I haven't terminated him yet. Because in all other departments, the guy is a total moron.
Mike: Just bear with him.
Jimmy came back into the room, carrying a blender.
Jimmy: Yo, got the electric mixer!
If looks could kill, Satyr would have been the only one left standing in the room.
Wednesday night's church services always had the lowest number of attendance, but it always had one special member, the Mayor of town. Gweg felt a strong sense of pride in this. Especially since he voted for him,
After service was over, he Mayor approached Gweg.
Mayor: Reverend, could I have word with you. It is of a personal matter.
Gweg: Of course Mayor, come into my chambers.
They went into the back of the church, where Gweg and Sara kept their office.
Gweg: What can I help you with Mayor?
Mayor: It's about my daughter, Nicole. She has become addicted to this new drug. This shampoo. They call it "Pink Dew." I don't know if you have heard of it?
Gweg: I have, it is terrible stuff.
Mayor: Indeed. I am beside myself with this. She's a good girl, but this stuff is destroying her. I must ask you a favor.
Gweg: Name it.
Mayor: I want to bring her here. Reintroduce her to the church. She hasn't been here since she was 13. We thought she was old enough to make her own decision on it at the time. She chose not to go. 5 years later, and now she's addicted to drugs.
Gweg: I will help in any way I can.
An hour later, Gweg was home with Sara.
Gweg: I really hope I can help the Mayor's daughter. This may be a test. If I can get through to her, then I know I'm on the right path.
Sara: If you can't get through to her, don't take it as a personal defeat. Some people cannot be helped.
They shared a knowing look.
Sara: Speaking of which, we are both in agreement that Satyr is this Schwarzkopf guy.
Gweg: Of course he is. I just can't believe it took him this long to get into illegal drugs.
Sara: Shampoo is not exactly illegal, though, is it?
Gweg: Watterson said they found illegal substances in the sample they collected. He also said Satyr was the first person he investigated. They came up with nothing.
Sara: I know what you're thinking Gweg. So I'm going to tell you this: let it go.
Gweg: What do you mean?
Sara: I know you're going to want to stop him yourself. But Gweg, these people are making their own choice to use this stuff. It might be illegal, but they aren't harming anybody. They are only doing it to themselves. Satyr is leaving us alone. We should leave him alone. He'll screw up eventually. He'll get caught. So stay out of this one. And before you argue, I want you to think about why you really want to go after him. Is it to help the people that are hooked on the shampoo? Or is it the fact that you don't like him getting away with something.?
Gweg was taken aback. But once he gave it a thought, he knew she had a point.
Gweg: You're right. I'll sit this one out.
Sara: I'm proud of you. Now, let's just worry about helping the Mayor's daughter.
Three days later, Satyr, Jimmy, and Mike stood out in an open field, awaiting the arrival of some competitors in the drug trade. Satyr was hoping to make a deal with them.
Satyr: Remember Jimmy, you let me do the talking this time. No more outbursts like last time.
Jimmy: I'll be quiet as a mouse Mr. S. Silence, bitch!
Satyr growled. He saw a car approaching.
Satyr: Okay guys, it's showtime.
Satyr put on a fedora and black sunglasses. It was part of his Schwarzkopf persona.
The car pulled up. 3 guys came out. 2 of them were armed. Satyr anticipated this. Mike and Jimmy were carrying firearms as well. If all goes correctly, no one would have to worry about a thing.
The unarmed guy stood 50 feet away from Satyr. Satyr assumed he was the head honcho of the group, a guy named Gilligan.
Gilligan: So, what are we doing out here? Cause I got to tell you, my biggest pet peeve is people wasting my time.
Satyr: I'll tell you exactly what we are doing out here. This.
Satyr threw a bottle of shampoo towards Gilligan.
Gilligan: What this? Are we washing each other's hair? If I wanted a spa treatment, I'd go to a spa. I wouldn't come out here to this sausage fest in the middle of a field.Give me one good reason why we shouldn't just kill you all now and go one with our day?
Satyr pointed to the bottle of shampoo on the ground.
Satyr: You know what that is. I know you know. Because I also know you've been trying to duplicate it. I'll tell you this. You can't. There is only one guy that knows the formula for Pink Dew. And that's me.
Gilligan: My stuff may not be as good, but it works well enough. So, how about I just get rid of you and then make my stuff the best on the market.
Satyr: Marvel and DC. I don't know about you, but I'd hate to live in a world without Marvel.
Gilligan: Well, that's okay with me, cause DC's better.
Satyr: What are you talking about? Marvel clearly has the best comics.
Gilligan: You're going to stand there and tell me that Marvel has a better character than either Batman or The Joker.
Satyr: I'll grant you those are two great characters. Maybe even the best. But we have to look at the bigger picture and Marvel clearly trumps DC.
Gilligan: Superman could kick the Hulk's ass.
Satyr: That all depends on the location. Now if Superman were to...
Mike let out a loud cough.
Mike: Gentlemen. please.
Satyr: You're right Mike. Where the hell were we? Oh yeah, look, I got a better offer for you. You guys stop making that second grade, rip-off crap and start working for me. Your profits will increase. Here, I have some charts and graphs that will show what I'm talking about.
Satyr walked over and handed him the charts and graphs. Gilligan looked over them, impressed.
Gilligan: Okay. I'll bite. Tell me, just who in the hell are you anyways?
Satyr: You know who I am. Now say my name.
Gilligan: I don't know man. Schwarzenegger or some shit.
Satyr: You know that's not it. It's a name that has kept you up nights. A name associated with the fastest growing drug empire since McDonald's. A name that is linked to murder and mayhem. Now, say my name.
Gilligan. Pollyknuckle Applebee.
Satyr: You're god damn ri....wait, how the fuck do you know my real name?!?
Gilligan: I got it off some website this preacher runs. He's got a whole page dedicated to keeping people away from you.
Satyr turned to Mike.
Satyr: Did you know about this? That son of a bitch!
Mike: I had no idea.
Satyr: Whatever. I'm done with him. He wants to make an ass of himself, that's his prerogative. So, it's a deal then?
Gilligan: Yeah, "Schwarzkopf," you got yourself a deal.
They shook hands.
Jimmy: Yo, can we go to a comic book store? Cause I like really want to read some now.
Satyr: For once Jimmy, you have a good idea. You coming, Gilligan? I'll show you how Marvel Comics reigns supreme over Detective Comics Comics.
Jimmy: It's on.
They got into their cars and headed into town.
Gweg was out on his afternoon jog. It was a new routine he added since joining the church. He quite enjoyed his new life and wished to prolong it.
Part of the routine was stopping into Cafe Valentine, a newly opened cafe that served Gweg's favorite drink, a Pina Colada smoothie.
Gweg sat down at a table by the window to enjoy his drink. As he watched outside, he saw something that he wasn't expecting.
Satyr and 5 other men were walking out of the comic book shop. Satyr and a bearded man were arguing. Satyr angrily pointed to a comic and then made the Spider-Man shooting out a web motion with his hand.
The other man made a motion as though he was throwing a boomerang at Satyr's invisible Spider-Man web.
They argued for another minute then the bearded man and two of the guys left. Satyr then turned toward the younger guy that was with him. To Gweg he looked like the average stoner. It seemed as Satyr was angry with this guy as well, but the guy just stood there and smiled while nodding.
Satyr and the older guy left. The younger one then made his way over to the cafe.
Gweg eyed him as we went up to the counter.
Jimmy: Yo, can I get one of those Al Pacino drinks?
Waiter: Al Pacino drinks? I'm sorry sir, I don't know what you mean.
Jimmy: I saw it on TV today. It had foam on it. It looked really good.
At this point, Gweg had gotten up and walked to the counter.
Gweg: He means a cappuccino.
Waiter: Of course. What size?
Gweg: Get him a Grande, my treat.
Gweg laid a 5 down.
Jimmy: Wow, thanks, dude! Today's been a good day. My boss just made a deal with a bunch of these guys and he says we'll be making even more money selling our stuff.
Gweg: And what kind of stuff is that?
Jimmy looked flustered at the question. He realized he had said too much. If Mr. S. had heard him, he would have been very angry. He had to think of lie quick.
Jimmy: We sell, uh, Girl Scout Cookies.
Gweg: Really? I would never have guessed you were a Girl Scout.
Jimmy: Haha, no, I'm not a Girl Scout. My boss is. He's like, a leader or something. Uh, thanks for the drink man, I can pay you back.
Gweg: The only thing you owe me is a few minutes of your time if you can spare it. My name is Gweg, I'm a Reverend here in town and I like to take the time to get to know my fellow residents.
Jimmy's mouth opened in shock when the guy said he was a preacher.
Jimmy: Yo man, I had no idea you were hooked up with God. I feel bad man. Now I'm going to Hell.
Gweg: Why do you think you're going to Hell?
Jimmy: I totally just lied to you. We don't sell Girl Scout Cookies. but, I can't tell you what we do sell.
Gweg: That's perfectly fine. What's your name?
Jimmy: Jimmy Green sir.
Gweg: Please, just call me Gweg. Will you join me at my table?
Jimmy: Sure.
They sat down. Jimmy took a sip of his drink, look confused, and drank some more.
Gweg: Something wrong with your drink?
Jimmy: Nah man, I can't picture Al Pacino drinking something like this.
Gweg: Will mysteries never cease? Tell me, Jimmy, do you like your job?
Jimmy: Hell yeah man, I make some mad cash My boss is a total bitch jerk, but the other guy is cool.
Gweg: What's your boss' name?
Jimmy: Mr. Schw...uh Satyr. Mr. Satyr.
Gweg: I knew a Satyr once. He was a total "bitch jerk" as you said. He was a user and a manipulator. No good ever came from working with him. Tell me, Jimmy, do you go to church?
Jimmy: Nah man, I mean, I believe in God, but I don't think I'd feel too comfortable in church.
Gweg: I would love to invite you to my church. It's very easy going, laid back, no judgment. I try to make learning and growing closer to Lord not feel like a chore. It's the Church United New Testament on 23rd Street. And we'll just keep this between us. You don't have to tell anybody we met or that you are going to church.
Jimmy: That sounds good. I just might be there.
Gweg: Glad to hear it.
Unbeknownst to Jimmy, Gweg had decided to follow him the rest of the day. Gweg had pretty much got the confirmation he needed that Satyr was indeed Schwarzkopf. Gweg knew what he had to do. His mission was to stop Satyr. That's why he was put on this earth.
Jimmy drove to his house. Satyr and Mike were outside. Gweg parked a block away, hoping he wouldn't get recognized. He had bought a new car sine their last encounter.
Satyr pointed at his watch and yelled at Jimmy. Jimmy threw his hands into the air. All 3 of them walked inside.
Gweg waited. He thought about what he said to Sara and felt bad. She had no idea what he was up to, but he didn't want to let her down. Gweg hoped to destroy Satyr's new shampoo drug without him ever finding out who was responsible. He hoped Jimmy would keep his mouth shut.
2 hours passed. Satyr and the other man left. Gweg hunkered down in his seat as they drove by. Gweg waited. Half an hour later, Jimmy got into his car and left.
Gweg waited a few minutes then got out of his car. He walked up to the house. He looked around to make sure no one was watching, then he tried to open the door. It was locked. Gweg looked under the mat but found no key. He then looked under the garden gnome.
Sure enough, a spare key was there. Gweg went inside.
The house was a mess. Clothes, pizza boxes, glasses, bongs, and various other items were strewn about.
Gweg was unsettled by how quiet it was. Which is why he let out a gasp when his phone rang. He answered it.
Sara: Hey honey, what time you getting home?
Gweg: Half an hour. I'm just going over tomorrows sermon.
Sara: Okay. Hurry up, we are having fettuccine tonight.
Gweg: That sounds great babe, be home soon. Love you.
Sara: Love you too.
Gweg pressed End and took a deep breath. This was his first major lie to Sara. He almost felt like he was cheating on her.
Gweg kept searching the rooms, not finding anything to do with Pink Dew Shampoo. He walked down the hall to Jimmy bedroom and noticed something completely out of place. A bookcase in the middle of the hall. It was filled with Dean Koontz novels. Gweg pushed the bookcase to the side and discovered a door behind it.
It led down into the basement.
There, Gweg found a tub full of pink shampoo. He also found all sorts of chemicals and empty bottles. He also found several cases of Essential Cleanse, a common shampoo. All the of those bottles were of the red "Cherry Blossom" variety.
Gweg discovered a dozen jugs of a milky white liquid. Each of them was labeled "Satyr's Morning Dew." Gweg was starting to get he picture why the shampoo was pink and why it was called "Dew."
Gweg looked at the tub and saw it had a timer set for 12 hours. He assumed this was the final process in making the drug and this was probably the next batch they were going to sell.
Gweg wondered if he should set the house on fire, but then realized Satyr would just start making the shampoo somewhere else. If he couldn't destroy the supply, then he would have to destroy the demand.
Gweg ran back upstairs and looked though Jimmy's kitchen, hoping to find anything that would ruin the current batch and make the people addicted to it not want to buy another bottle.
He needed something clear, something that no one could detect. Satyr found some vinegar. He then went into the bathroom and got some peroxide. He went back down into the basement.
He poured the vinegar into the tun first, hoping there would be no chemical reaction. There was none. He found a small oar they had been using to mix the shampoo in the tub. He mixed it around then added the peroxide. Nothing happened. He mixed it up and wiped the oar clean.
He then got rid of the evidence he was there and left. He got on the phone.
Gweg: Sara, I'm all done here, headed home now.
ONE WEEK LATER
Jimmy stretched as he sat up from the pew. That was the only thing he didn't like about church, the seats. He quite enjoyed Gweg's sermons and the singing. He had also taken a liking to Gweg himself. The church was starting to change Jimmy. In fact, once he had ran out of Pink Dew earlier in the week, he hadn't bothered getting a new one.
Jimmy was making his way towards the door when an attractive girl around his age caught his eye. She was a brunette and cute as hell. And she was smiling at Jimmy. He had no idea she was the Mayor's daughter.
Jimmy: Yo, what's up?
Nicole: Oh you know, church.
Jimmy laughed.
Jimmy: How long you been coming here?
Nicole: Almost two weeks now. I've seen you a couple times this week. Been wanting to tell you how cool your tattoo is, but I've been coming here with my father and he would flip if he saw me talking to a guy like you. And this is the first time I came here without him.
Jimmy: What's wrong with a guy like me?
Nicole: You're a lot cooler than my father is.
Jimmy smiled and blushed.
Jimmy: Thanks. Yo,m I'm Jimmy by the way.
Nicole: Hello Jimmy, I'm Nicole.
The two went to Cafe Valentine and sat and talked for 2 hours. The discovered they had both been on Pink Dew and that Gweg was helping them. They agreed to see each other again.
Jimmy was so happy, he didn't realize he was a half hour late at being at the house. He took his time getting back there. He walked in to find a very agry Satyr greeting him.
Satyr: Where the fuck have you been?! We got a problem on our hands and you're out doing Pan knows what.
Jimmy: I met a girl.
Satyr: Oh, you met a girl. That's fine. That makes it all better. by the way, while you're out getting love sick, our "clients" are getting really sick.
Jimmy: What?
Mike: Jimmy, the latest batch of Pink Dew is making people sick. As though they have the flu. We know it's the latest batch because new users are getting sick along with the older ones. We need to know if you did anything different when making the batch?
Jimmy: Yo, I did everything right like I normally do. You have to believe me Mr. S.
Satyr: I'll believe that Bigfoot is the fucking Tooth Fairy before I believe anything you have to tell me. Don't think I haven't noticed something different about you this past week. What the hell have you been up to.
Jimmy: Nothing Mr. S., I swear!
Satyr: He's lying to me, Mike. You know how I hate it when people lie to me.
Mike: Please Jimmy, just tell us what you've been doing.
Jimmy sighed and held his head. He figured this was going to happen sooner or later.
Jimmy: I've been going to church.
Satyr's eyes went wide when he heard the C-word.
Satyr: Church? What church? Why?
Jimmy: This preacher invited me. He's a real nice guy. He's been helping me get back in touch with God.
Satyr knew the answer to the question he was about ready to ask. But a small portion of him hoped he was wrong.
Satyr: What's his name?
Jimmy: Gweg.
Satyr grabbed a pillow off the couch and screamed into it.
Satyr looked at Mike with daggers in his eyes.
Satyr: Gweg did it. He ruined the batch.
Mike: we don't know that Gweg did it.
Satyr: Oh, so it's a coincidence that Gweg just happens to take Jimmy under his wing the same time that our shampoo starts making people sick. No, Gweg found Jimmy, found out where he lives, and then fucked with our stuff. Oh, he is not getting away with this.
Satyr took out his phone and dialed.
Satyr: Long time no speak Gweg. Don't worry about how I got your number. You and I need a face to face. You know Cranston's Field, ten miles outside of town. Meet me there, right in the middle. It'll just be you and me.
Gweg hung up the phone. Jimmy must have talked, he thought. Satyr probably scared it out of him.
Sara: Who was that, hun?
Gweg: The Mayor. He want's me to come over and have a chat with Nicole. He's afraid she's gone into a relapse.
Sara: Oh no. She was doing so good too.
Gweg: Yes, but these things happen. Dp us a favor and say a little prayer? I'll be back as soon as I can.
Sara: I will and no rush. See you when you get home. Love you.
Gweg: Love you too.
Gweg headed out to the field. Sara didn't know it, but Gweg had a gun he kept hidden under his seat. He took it out and laid it on the passenger side. He had no idea how this meeting was going to turn out, but if only one of them was going to walk away from it, it was going to be him.
He drove into the field and parked in the middle He got out and slid the gun into pocket. Minutes later, Satyr pulled up. He got out of the car wearing the sunglasses and that ridiculous hat.
Gweg: Schwarzkopf, I presume.
Satyr: So smart Gweg, maybe you and Watterson should switch places. His clueless nature would make him a great preacher.
Gweg: What do you want Satyr?
Satyr: You know why were here. You think you're going to ruin me. One bad batch isn't going to stop me Gweg. That's the thing with these addicts, they don't care as long as the get a fix.
Gweg: These people do not exist for your amusement or your profit. You should be helping them, not aiding in their self destruction. Yes, I did ruin your shampoo. I'm done standing around watching you destroy society.
Satyr: You and your society. You thank your god for your eyes, but you refuse to use them. Face it Gweg, nothing lasts forever. Civilizations collapse. Societies crumble. Everything that gets built will eventual break down. But we still have a choice in the matter. You can stand in the way when it all falls or you can help push it down.
Gweg: I refuse to accept that. Religion has done a lot of harm in the past, but I am going to use it to help heal society. I will turn religion into a bandage, instead of a wound.
Satyr: You know what we have in common Gweg, we both sell drugs. My shampoo, your religion.
Gweg: Religion is not a drug.
Satyr: You're right, it's an STD. A Spiritually Transmitted Disease. And you are a carrier. Speaking of harming things, you know what your little sabotage is doing to Pink Dew users?
Gweg: No.
Satyr: It's making them sick. Sever flu like symptoms. A couple of them have even died.
Gweg couldn't believe it. There was no way the vinegar and peroxide could have triggered that kind of reaction.
Gweg: You're lying.
Satyr: Kind of wish I was, but alas, it's true. Call Watterson up, he'll be happy to tell you. After, he told me. He's still trying to prove I'm Schwarzkopf. If only a concerned citizen had reported on Jimmy instead of going into the house and messing about, those poor people would still be all right. Strung out of their minds, but at least not on their death beds.
Gweg: You are not putting this on me. They are sick because your got them addicted to shampoo.
Satyr: Keep telling yourself that. I'm going to go ahead and let the guilt eat away at you. But know this: You try to tell ant cops about us, or you keep talking to Jimmy, or you step foot near the house again and I will punish you. You know what I'm capable of Gweg. And I know what you're capable of. Which isn't much.
Satyr got back into his car and took off.
Gweg sat down on the hood of his car, put his hand to face and started to cry.
A few days had passed, and more people had died from the tainted Pink Dew batch. Gweg was beside himself.
Sara was taking over church duties for the day. Gweg stayed at home, trying to rid himself of the guilt.
There was a knock on the door. Gweg answered it and was shocked to see the Mayor standing on the other side.
Mayor: We have to have a talk, Reverend.
Gweg: Yes Mayor, have a seat.
Mayor: I think I'll stand for this. Look, I don't know what kind of church you think you're running, but you better get your shit together.
Gweg: I'm sorry sir, what are you talking about?
Mayor: My daughter! I sent her to you to help her out. But now she's dating that two bit junkie you invited into your church. I don't need to tell you Gweg, but I am a powerful man in this town. Now, I may not be able to control my daughter, but I am capable of making sure that Church you built gets taken down. I want those two to quit seeing each other. She won't listen to me about this and I highly doubt she'll listen to you. She's stubborn when it comes to boys. Since you created this mess, you will fix it. Make sure he doesn't go near my daughter again. Cause if they are still seeing each other by this time next week, I will make sure no one sees that church ever again.
The Mayor stormed out of the house. Gweg sunk down into his chair. It was all starting to get out of hand. He now found himself in the most dire of situations, a Catch-22. He had kept away from Jimmy, but if Satyr sees him talking to Jimmy, Satyr will retaliate. But if he doesn't talk to Jimmy, The Mayor will retaliate. Gweg didn't know what to do.
A couple of hours later, Sara returned home.
Sara: Oh, I'm exhausted. This 6 year old kept asking me about Noah's Ark and I was running out of answers that sounded reasonable...
She stopped talking when she saw the look on Gweg's face.
Sara: What's wrong, honey?
Gweg: We need to talk. I've done something terrible.
Sara listened as Gweg got her up to speed. She was angry that Gweg had lied to her, but she knew the situation with the Mayor and Satyr needed to be taken care of first.
Sara: Ok, so Satyr says you can't talk to Jimmy, he didn't say I couldn't.
Gweg: It's Satyr, you know he'll retaliate given any reason. I know, you should talk to Nicole, tell her to break it off with Jimmy.
Sara: You have no idea what it's like being a girl at that age. Trust me, telling her to stay away from the bad boy isn't going to work.
Gweg: I don't know what to do.
Sara: I do. Pray. You have given yourself to God now Gweg, let him show you the path.
Gweg nodded, even though he still had his doubts.
Gweg went to take a shower. As he showered, he closed his eyes and began to pray.
Gweg: Dear God, I know I don't deserve it, but I need guidance. I believe you put me here to stop Satyr, and this might be a test, but I need help. I don't know how to defeat him and get the Mayor off my back.
Gweg opened his eyes. As soon as he did, he had the answer.
THE NEXT DAY
Satyr and Mike arrived at Jimmy's house. He was eating breakfast.
Satyr: You got the tub and equipment cleaned out yet? I don't know what Gweg did, but we are starting this next batch clean. I also got security cameras to make sure this doesn't happen again.
Jimmy: Yo, Gweg won't even speak to me now. Did you say something to him Mr S.?
Satyr: Yes, I told him to stay away from you. He is no good.He's going to try to poison you with that religious crap and next thing I know, you're out there going door to door selling Bibles to old women that already have too much Jesus shit hanging on their walls.
Jimmy: Yo, I got the right to go to whatever church I want. In fact, I'm going to go see Gweg now. 1st Amendment, bitch!
Jimmy got up and left the house.
Satyr: I'm surprised he knew that.
Mike's cell started to ring. He listened to the caller on the other end and frowned. He put the phone away and turned on the TV.
Satyr: What is it now?
Mike pointed at the screen. Satyr's mouth went agape when he saw the Breaking News bulletin.
Satyr: Turn it up.
Reporter On The TV: Yes, you heard right. This is not a hoax or a joke. We are getting reports that the people who have died from the drug "Pink Dew" have come back to life and are now attacking people and biting them.
Satyr just started shaking his head.
Satyr: Zombies. Of course. Why not? Okay. This is something we have prepared for. First, we loot the supermarket, then the drug store, then we head out to that island where we kill any non-good looking females that try to get on it.
Mike: Hold off on that.
Reporter: Police are advising to stay in your homes, as they are handling the situation. The attackers are moving at a slow pace and falling over anything in their path. The police expect to have the situation taken care of my the end of the night.
Satyr: I'm a little disappointed. I was led to believe their would be a massive outbreak and they would have swarmed the streets by nightfall. Fucking Hollywood has lied to me again!
Mike: Well, I think we can kiss Pink Dew goodbye.
Satyr: Oh no, we'll just have to wait for the dust to settle. The fucking addicts will beg us to sell it to them. Remember Mike, people are puppets. You got to learn how to pull their strings.
Mike: Okay. Now what about Jimmy?
Satyr: You leave that to me.
Jimmy arrived at the church.
Mass should have started 10 minutes ago, but there was no one there. Jimmy went up to the door just as Gweg was coming out.
Gweg: Jimmy, what are you doing here?
Jimmy: It's church time.
Gweg: Jimmy, there is an outbreak of...well something bad is happening. Do you here all of those sirens?
Jimmy listened. He realized he did hear a bunch of sirens.
Jimmy: Yo, I was listening to some rap music in the car, I thought they were a part of the music.
Gweg: Well, you need to get home and keep the doors closed until the police say it's safe.
Jimmy: I ain't go back there. Mr. S. is back there and he is being a total douche. He told me to stay away from you, I said I had the right to see whomever I want.
Gweg: So, Satyr knows you're here?
Jimmy: Yeah, he didn't try to stop me.
Gweg smiled.
Gweg: Okay Jimmy, I want you to follow me to my house. We'll hang out there until this clears up.
Jimmy: You got it.
They arrived at Gweg's house.
Gweg: Make yourself at home, just try not to make it as messy as your house. I'll go get us some drinks.
Jimmy: Thanks bro. Wait, how do you know my house is messy?
Gweg stopped in his tracks. He realized he just made a mistake.
Gweg: Lucky guess?
Jimmy laughed.
Jimmy: yeah, I guess it is obvious.
Gweg let out a sigh of relief. He retrieved the pitcher of tea out of the fridge and poured two glasses.
Gweg: There is something I'd like to talk to you about.
Jimmy: If it's about Mr. S., I'm way ahead of you. I'm going to stop working for him. In fact, I called him on my cell phone on the way here. Told him I quit.
Gweg worried that Satyr would take it out on him, but there was nothing he could do about it now.
Gweg: That's great Jimmy. But I need to talk to you about Nicole.
Jimmy: She's great, isn't she? She's perfect for me. We've kicked our drug habit together. I think she's the one. It's like God is awarding me for coming back to him.
Gweg felt his heart sink. He knew there was no talking Jimmy out of seeing her and he didn't really want to either.
Gweg: I'm glad to hear that Jimmy.
Jimmy spent the night at Gweg's. The police had taken care of the zombie outbreak and the citizens were safe to be out on the streets again. Jimmy went to Nicole's apartment.
Jimmy knocked on the door, Nicole answered it. She looked stunning, hair wet with a towel wrapped around her midrift.
Nicole: Hey babe! So happy you're here. I wanted to thank you for that gift, it was funny.
Jimmy: You're welcome babe.
Jimmy then remembered he hadn't gotten her a gift.
Jimmy: What gift was that again?
She mocked puching him on the shoulder.
Nicole: You nitwit. The shampoo. Essential Cleanse. You left it out in front of the door. It had a note saying, "Here's some shampoo you can enjoy without worrying about the cops knocking on your shower door." I just got done washing my hair with it.
Jimmy: Can I see it?
Nicole went to her shower and got the shampoo. Jimmy opened the cap and took a sniff. He knew Pink Dew when he smelled it. But this one's scent was slightly off.
Jimmy: Do you feel alright babe?
Nicole: I do have a bit of a stomach ache.
Jimmy: I think I should stay here for a couple of days.
TWO DAYS LATER
Mike and Satyr sat in Jimmy's living room.
Mike: I don't think he's coming back
Satyr: Oh he'll be back and when he gets here, I'll deal with him.
They heard tires screech into the driveway.
Satyr: See, there he is.
Jimmy came bursting through the door. He went right towards Satyr and pushed him down. He then pulled a gun out from behind him and pointed it at Satyr's head.
Jimmy: You killed her! You gave her some of that bad Pink Dew batch. She turned into a zombie. I had to shoot her in the head so she wouldn't eat me!
Mike: Calm down. Satyr wouldn't do that! So, put the gun down and we'll talk.
Mike looked down at Satyr, knowing full well he would do something like that. Jimmy held the gun closer to Satyr's head.
Satyr: He's right. Why would I do that?
Jimmy: To punish me for quitting.
Satyr: Look at me. You are like a son to me. Yes, I was mad that you quit, but I was proud that you finally stood up to me. I would never harm someone you love to get back at you.
Jimmy: If you didn't do it, then who did?
Satyr: Gweg did it.
Jimmy: What?
Satyr: Gweg has been trying to get at me for years. He's too much of a coward to kill me himself. So he's trying to trick you into doing it.
Jimmy: He wouldn't do that. Besides, how did he get his hands on the Pink Dew?
Satyr: Has he been here?
Jimmy was about to answer no, but then he remembered Gweg's comment about his house being dirty.
Jimmy: Wait, yes he has.
Satyr: I know he has. He's the one that tainted that batch. He probably kept some just in case a situation such as this presented itself. He's been using you from the start.
Jimmy dropped the gun. Satyr picked it up and put it in his coat pocket.
Satyr: Now, where is her body at? I'll take care of the cleanup.
Jimmy gave Satyr the address. Satyr left.
Mike: Just sit down and relax. You don't look so good.
Jimmy: I got to tell you something Mike.
Satyr arrived at the apartment complex. There were police officers and an ambulance already there. Satyr watched as the paramedics took a body out of an apartment. He knew it was Nicole's. He cursed Jimmy's name for being careless. He watched for the next 30 minutes. He saw the Mayor of all people there. He was crying. Satyr assumed he was the father. That was all he needed. After they cleared, Satyr drove around for an hour, trying to think of what to do next. He wondered what the next incident would be.
His cell phone rang.
Satyr: What?
Mike: Get back here now! Jimmy...
The phone had cut off and the line went dead.
Satyr frowned.
Satyr: I can't catch a fucking break.
Satyr took off and headed back to Jimmy's house. He walked in the door.
Jimmy was walking slowly towards Mike, who was crouched behind the overturned coffee table.
Satyr pulled the gun out of his coat and shot Jimmy in the head.
Mike: Thanks! I don't know how he got the jump on me. I just can't believe he purposely turned himself into a zombie.
Satyr looked down at Jimmy's body.
Satyr: He was a zombie?
Mike: You didn't know he was a zombie then why did you..
Satyr waved a dismissive hand.
Satyr: No time for that now. I'll pull the car into the garage and we'll load his body onto there.
At the same time that was happening, Gweg was getting a visitor.
Gweg: Mr. Mayor, I know you're upset, but it wasn't Jimmy's fault that this happened.
Mayor: My girl is dead! I would have been happy to raise her as a zombie, but that punk took that away from me too.
Gweg: Mr. Mayor, Jimmy was just a pawn. This is all Schwarzkopf's fault.
Mayor: No Gweg. This is your fault. I will see that you pay for this.
Gweg: I can get you Schwarzkopf. I know who he is, Jimmy told me.
Mayor: Oh, I see. So, we just let this Schwarzkopf live the rest of his life in jail while my girl rots in the ground? No, everyone who had a hand in this will pay.
Gweg: I don't want to see him in jail. I want to see you have your revenge. The Bible says "eye for an eye." I'll set up a meeting. Somewhere private.
Mayor: Fine Gweg.But this isn't over between us. If taking care of Schwarzkopf doesn't satisfy me, you're next.
Gweg: Fair enough. I'll call you when I've set it up.
The Mayor left. Gweg dialed his phone.
Satyr and Mike had just finished loading Jimmy into the trunk of the car when Gweg's phone call came through.
Satyr: Oh for fuck's sakes! What is it? Fine Gweg, we'll settle this once and for all. Just the two of us.
Satyr turned to Mike.
Satyr: Get in the car. We're going out to Cranston's Field. Gweg wants a showdown and I'm going to give him one. Get the shovels. We're going to burying Jimmy and Gweg out there.
They got into the car and took off.
Five minutes after that, Gweg phoned The Mayor.
Gweg: Hello Mayor. Do you know Cranston's Field? Schwarzkopf will be out there in ten minutes.
Gweg ended the call. Five minutes after that, Gweg made another phone call.
Satyr and Mike arrived at the field.
Satyr: Stay in the car. As soon as he gets close enough, I'm going to start shooting. Then you come out and do the same.
3 minutes passed. Satyr pulled out his phone and called Gweg.
Satyr: Where are you?
Gweg: I'm not coming out there. But I;ll tell you who is. The police. I told them Schwarzkopf would be out in the middle of the field waiting to do a drug deal. They should be there any second now.
Satyr almost crushed the phone in his hand. Satyr looked out towards the horizon and saw a car approaching. It would be there within a minute.
Satyr: Mike, change of plans! We are going to surrender to the cops.
Mike What!?
Satyr: Don't worry, I know some good lawyers. Hopefully they don't just shoot us first. hell, i better make a video confession just in case.
Satyr pointed his camera phone towards him and started recording.
Satyr: My name is Pollyknuckle Applebee. I am recording this video to let everyone know, that yes, while I did have a hand in all that has transpired, I am not the one to shoulder the blame. This is all Gweg's fault. He is the guy known as Schwarzkopf. he tricked me into getting caught by the cops and killing his protege and dumping his body on us. I repeat: This is Gweg's fault.
Satyr stopped recording.
Mike: They'll never buy that. Besides, that's not a cop car.
Satyr looked up and saw a Cadillac pulling up. The Mayor stepped out.
The Mayor: Schwarzkopf, you killed my daughter!
The Mayor ran towards satyr. Mike pulled out his gun and shot him.
Mike: Who the hell is that?
Satyr: The Mayor. Jimmy's girlfriend was his daughter.
Mike: How did he know we were out here?
Satyr: Gweg of course. That bastard.
They both heard the sound of sirens off in the distance.
Mike: There are the cops. Still want to surrender?
Satyr: Nope. Got a better idea. Get Jimmy's body out and hand me your gun.
Five minutes later, the cops arrived to find the body of Jimmy and The Mayor laying in the middle of the field. They look as those they had been struggling withe each other.
Satyr and Mike were already gone.
Satyr rolled down his window and laughed.
Mike: What's so funny?
Satyr: Gweg. I didn't know he had it in him. I'm glad. The games begin again.
Mike: So, why did you kill Jimmy's girlfriend.
Satyr felt the smile return to his face. He looked over at Mike with a gleam in his eye.
Satyr: I didn't.
An hour later, Gweg was parked a block away from Jimmy's house.
The cops were there. They were taking out all of the Pink dew equipment. Gweg was listening to a new report on the radio.
Reporter: And with that, officials are saying that the distribution of the drug known as "Pink Dew" should stop.
Gweg's phone rang. It was Sara.
Sara: Gweg, do you know what's going on? They are saying that Jimmy kid is Schwarzkopf and that he in the Mayor killed each other in a gun fight. What happened.
Gweg: I won.
(For Maximum Story Effect, listen to this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3yAx2uCoHs while you read the rest of the story.)
Gweg ended the call and out his cell away. He looked at Jimmy's house one last time and smiled.
He drove to a parking lot that had a dumpster in it. He got out and opened the passenger door.
Sitting on the seat were a couple bottles of Essential Cleanse shampoo and some wrapping paper.
Gweg gathered it up and threw it away.
He frowned, now knowing exactly what he was a capable of.
