The alarm clock went off and Satyr awoke from his 10 hour sleep. Before he went to sleep the night before, he had been up for 32 hours straight working on a new device, a device that was sure to be his ultimate creation.
Gweg was already up fixing breakfast. Satyr took his morning piss and sat down at the computer. After logging on, he checked his e-mails.
Satyr received a perplexing e-mail from somebody named "NewBuddy". This is what he wrote:
Dear Pollyknuckle,
I am your new buddy. I have been watching you for the past couple of weeks. Yes, I know all about you. Just the other day, you were in your room making some sort of little metallic box. I am interested to find out what it is!
I'll be sending some gifts your way, I do hope you get them.
See you soon
Your NewBuddy.
Satyr read through the e-mail several times. He was convinced it was a joke by Gweg.
Satyr: Gweg get in here!
Gweg: What is it? I've got the bacon on the stove.
Satyr: You think you are funny don't you? This little e-mail. Well, I'm not falling for it.
Gweg: What e-mail?
Satyr: This one.
Satyr pointed to the monitor. Gweg read the e-mail.
Gweg: Well, I swear to you I did not write it. But whoever did knows your real name. Pollyknuckle.
Gweg couldn't help but snicker when he said the name. Satyr growled under his breath and read the e-mail again. Gweg went back into the kitchen to tend to the bacon.
Satyr sent a reply to NewBuddy asking who he was. Satyr went to his usual sites while waiting for a response. Half an hour later, Satyr still had no new e-mails.
Gweg was finished with his breakfast and went into the computer room with Satyr.
Gweg: So, what's this small box all about?
Satyr: I knew it! NewBuddy is interested in the box and so are you! You've got to get up pretty early in the morning to fool me!
Gweg: I was up three hours before you were! And, I didn't fucking send it! I am only curious about the box because it can only mean one thing, trouble.
Satyr: That's were you are wrong. The box will be the answer to all of our problems.
Gweg: Unless the box can make you disappear and have Natalie Portman take your place, then I think your box is full of shit.
Satyr: You'll see. Come and watch.
Satyr and Gweg went to Satyr's room. Satyr picked up a small metallic box sitting on his dresser. The box was the size of a disposable camera and had one button on top of it and a lot of little red, green, and blue lights on it's sides.
Satyr: If you ever find yourself in a situation that requires a little something extra to get out of, something out of the blue for instance, a push of the button on this box, and voila, you have what you need! I call it the Duce X Machine!
Gweg: Why don't you give that button a press so I can find the words to tell you how incredibly fucking stupid you really are.
Satyr: Once again, I have produced greatness, but alas, the only audience I have for it is somebody with the emotional equivalence of a black hole!
Gweg: Ok Satyr. To prove your little toy works, let's take it to the computer and see if it will unravel the mystery of your stalker.
Satyr: Good idea Gweg. I could use a little more input like that from you more often.
Gweg: (under his breath) The next input you'll get from me, is when I input my foot up your ass.
Satyr: You say something?
Gweg: Nope.
Satyr sat the Duce X Machine on the computer desk. He brought up the e-mail and then pressed the Machine's button.
The Machine's lights started to flash and the computer monitor went blank. A few seconds later, a new web page was brought up.
Satyr: I'll be damned. It's the Adult Swim Message Board. I should have known that the stalker would be from there.
Gweg: Why do you say that?
Satyr: There are two kinds of people on the ASMB. Those who love me and those who hate me. Unfortunately, the latter outnumbers the former.
Gweg: Imagine that.
Satyr: But my stalker could be either type. This is going to take some serious investigating on our part.
Gweg: Why do you insist on including me. They are stalking you, I have no part in this at all.
Satyr: What if they sneak in here late at night to kill me? You think they are just going to let you live? Nope, they will kill you to.
Gweg: I hate to say it, but you do have a point. All right. Let's find out who it is.
Satyr compiled a list of ASMBers he thought would fit the profile of someone who would want to stalk him.
Satyr: All right. I made the list of potential stalkers. I put the most likely on the top of the list.
Gweg took the list from Satyr and read it.
Gweg: So, who's this Primus Fan 1?
Satyr: Uh yeah, there is something I should probably tell you before we begin.
Gweg: What is it?
Satyr: Well, you know they have these "live journals" on the internet. Well, I have my own and I mention you a few times.
Gweg: And?
Satyr: Well, Primus, he reads what I post there and he gets a kick out of our adventures. And He idolizes you.
Gweg: Well, I'm either flattered or appalled. I guess I'll find out which one it is later.
Satyr: He's a good kid. You'll like him.
Gweg: Yeah, if he doesn't have a shrine of me in his living room surrounded by the trash I throw out.
Satyr shrugged his shoulders.
Satyr and Gweg decided to take a road trip to each of houses of the people who were on Satyr's list. Gweg and Satyr met in the living room to do some last minute planning before heading out.
They had just got everything packed and ready when there was a knock on the door.
Satyr: Should we answer it?
Gweg: Be my guest.
Satyr opened the door. It was a UPS man.
UPS Man: I got a package here for a Pollyknuckle Applebee.
Satyr: He's mocking me.
Satyr signed for the package and the UPS Man left. Satyr opened it. Inside was a doll of a red haired boy with overalls.
Satyr: This is the creepiest looking thing I have ever seen.
Gweg: It's a "My Buddy" doll.
Satyr: Great. Oh look, here's a note.
Satyr took the note out and read it out loud.
Dear Satyr,
Here is my gift to you. Inside the buddy doll, you'll find my greatest gift of all!
Your NewBuddy.
Satyr took out the doll and ripped it open. Something red and sticky fell to the floor. It was the size of a fist.
Gweg: Holy shit! That's a human heart!
Satyr: We had better find this sick fuck as fast as we can.
Satyr and Gweg took off and headed for Primus Fan 1's house.
They found his house and went up to the door. Satyr rang the doorbell. A teenage boy answered.
Primus Fan 1: Satyr! What do I owe the pleasure of this visit? And is that...oh my god...it is...GWEG!
Primus threw himself to the ground at Gweg's feet.
Primus: You are my hero Gweg! I kiss the ground you walk on!
Gweg: That's unnecessary.
Primus stood up and dusted himself off.
Primus: Sorry Gweg. I tend to get a little carried away.
Gweg: That's quite alright.
Primus: So, what's up guys?
Satyr: I seem to have a stalker. And it's an ASMBer. We're trying to find out who it is.
Primus: You think it's me?
Satyr: Well, you are the first on my list.
Primus: It's not me. I swear. I don't have the time or the effort to stalk someone. It's hard enough finding the time for homework and video games.
Satyr: Ok. We just need to cover all of our bases.
Primus: You know what I do have time for?
Satyr: No.
Primus: I have time to come with you and track this stalker down.
Gweg: This might get a little dangerous. It's probably best if you just stay home.
Primus: Please let me come with you. I won't get in the way and I'll be a big help, I swear.
Satyr: Are those Slim Jims sitting on your end table there?
Primus: Yes, they are. Want one?
Satyr: Hell yes I want one! You're a-ok in my book. You can come with us.
Primus: Woo-hoo!
Satyr, Gweg, and Primus set off to find the next person on the list. Pillz.
Their destination was a shabby apartment building.
Satyr: I bet you this is the kind of place that has bugs crawling in the bath tubs.
Satyr didn't exactly know which apartment Pillz lived in. But he was sure he found the right one when he saw a door with a huge Hal Jordan poster on it.
Satyr: This has to be it.
Primus: The guy truly is obsessed.
Satyr knocked on the door. Pillz answered.
Pillz: What are you guys doing here?
Satyr: I'll cut to the chase. Are you stalking me?
Pillz: Yes I am. But not this week, this week it's Neal Adams.
Satyr: Your sarcastic wit is too much for me.
Pillz: I know. Well, I may not be stalking you, but I really am stalking Neal Adams.
Satyr: Well, anyway, would you like to join us on our quest to find my stalker.
Pillz: I don't know, I've got to sort through my comic collection. And get the roaches out of my bathtub.
Primus: Come on Pillz, we need you. Think of it like the Justice League. Satyr is Superman, Gweg is Batman, I'm J'onn J'onzz, and you're Green Lantern.
Gweg: According to Satyr's last girlfriend, he should be the Flash.
Satyr ignored this comic, Primus laughed his ass off.
Pillz: Well, since you put it that way, I guess I'll come along. But this better not suck like "The Batman" or anything.
Satyr: Well on to the next name on the list. SockatOr.
She lived in a nice house. It has flowers along the driveway. Satyr knocked on the door.
SockatOr appeared at the door wearing her pajamas.
SockatOr: *Gasp* Satyr! If I had known you were stopping by, I would have worn something more appropriate.
Satyr: Don't sweat it babe. You look just fine.
SockatOr: Who are all of these people with you?
Satyr: Well, we got Pillz and Primus here. You know them from the Boards. And this waste of flesh standing over here is Gweg.
SockatOr: Nice. What are you all doing here?
Satyr: Seems like I have a stalker problem. Know anything about it?
SockatOr: Well, I won't deny my everlasting love and desire for you Satyr, I know nothing of any stalking.
Gweg: Wait a sec. You're in love with Satyr?
SockatOr: Of course I am. I can't help being attracted to his raw animal sexuality.
Pillz: I always knew you had a thing for goats.
SockatOr: You are just jealous.
Pillz: Not really, considering what happened to your last boyfriend.
SockatOr: Don't you dare bring that up.
Primus: What happened?
Pillz: Let's just say he prefers the log and not the beaver.
Satyr: All right. Well, thanks SockatOr. We need to be on our way.
SockatOr: May I come? I'll, uh, make it worth your time. If you know what I mean.
Satyr: There's always room for one more.
Primus: Where to next Commander?
Satyr: Captain Sam's house.
When the Crew reached Captain Sam's house, they were in for a surprise. Not only was Sam there, but Shaft76 was there as well.
Shaft76: Wow! Look at all of these people. Reminds me of a tube of grey headlights soaking in a tub of ultra thin pillow crackers.
Capt. Sam: More like a spanking a road full of sugar coated hamstrings.
Satyr: That's great fellas. We are here trying to track down a stalker. Either of you happen to be him?
Shaft76: That's as ridiculous as a robotic flea reading T. S. Eliot while trying to balance a football made of sunshine on his spleen.
Capt. Sam: It's like a Blowtorch trying to make love to a cuticle.
Gweg: Why are the both of you speaking in obscure metaphors?
Shaft76 & Capt. Sam: Because the omniscient one is too lazy to try to come up with real dialogue for us! Yaaaah Yaaaah! Nyaaaah!
SockatOr: Let's get the hell out of here.
Pillz: Yes, let's.
Satyr and his gang left.
Pillz: I'm starving. Let's stop by some store so I can pick up some snacks.
Satyr: Agreed. We could all use a break.
Primus: I'm thirsty as well.
Pillz: Really? I thought you'd be emo.
Primus: You know something, I really hate you sometimes.
Pillz: I was just joking. I'll buy you some pop.
They found a little grocery store. Pillz went in to grab some snacks and sodas. Satyr and SockatOr went into an alley to take care of some "business". Gweg and Primus sat down at a bench.
Gweg: I want to ask you a question if you don't mind.
Primus: Fire away.
Gweg: Why am I your hero?
Primus. Well, I read what Satyr writes about you. You don't take any shit. You are smart and you tell people exactly what you think. I admire that.
Gweg: That's very flattering. But I think you could do better than me for somebody to emulate.
Primus: Somebody like Satyr?
Gweg: Fuck no!
Primus: Who then?
Gweg: I don't know. But just not me. Truth be told, I'm as bad as Satyr. I let him get away with a lot of shit. I mean, that poor mime. I can't believe Satyr talked me in to doing that.
Primus: What mime?
Gweg: He hasn't wrote about that?
Primus: No.
Gweg: Then forget about it.
At that time, Satyr and SockatOr came out of the alley.
SockatOr: That was just a preview. The Main Feature is for later.
Satyr: I can't wait.
Pillz emerged from the store with some pop and a bag of Cracker Jack.
Pillz: We ready? Let's get this over with.
Satyr: All right the next person on the list is...
Satyr was interrupted by the screech of tires. A van pulled up beside them and two men in ski masks jumped out the side. One of them grabbed Primus and the other grabbed SockatOr.
After they jumped back into the van, the driver threw out a piece of paper and sped away.
Satyr: Son of a bitch!
Gweg picked up the piece of paper.
Gweg: It's another note.
Satyr read it.
Dear Satyr Shit Head,
My my. That's quite the group you have collected there. I think I'll "borrow" a couple of them. Ha ha! If you ever want to see them again, meet me at the abandoned warehouse on the east side of town. Bring only yourself, Gweg, and Pillz. I want them to come as well. It will be a nice party.
See you soon.
Your NewBuddy.
Satyr: We need to get to the abandoned warehouse.
Pillz: An abandoned warehouse. What a cliche.
The trio arrived at the building. When they got inside, they saw Primus and Sockator. They were both tied to posts. Standing in between them was a masked person holding a sword.
Masked Person: Welcome my friends! I am so glad you could make it!
Satyr: Why don't you show us who you are?
Masked Person: So be it!
The person took off the mask. Satyr was shocked to see who it was.
Satyr: Purple Slug!
Purple Slug: That's right it is I. Now we shall play our favorite game. "Choose or Die!" This is how we play. You get to choose which on of these fine tied up people get to be killed in front of you. Your girlfriend SockatOr or your number one fan Primus. If you don't choose, both die and so do you!
Satyr was angry. Gweg was busy trying to think of a plan. Pillz seemed entertained by the whole thing, as all he did was munch on the Cracker Jack.
Satyr: Why this sick twisted game? Is it because of you love me and know you can never have me?
Purple Slug laughed.
Purple Slug: Love you? In your dreams. The only reason I am doing this is because I am an evil vixen from Neptune!
Satyr: Ok. I have made my choice.
Satyr pulled out a gun and shot Primus right between his eyes.
Gweg: What the fuck! You had a gun this whole time? Why didn't you shoot Purple Slug?
Satyr: You heard her. One of them had to die. And SockatOr promised me I'd be getting laid tonight.
Purple Slug: You idiot! I was supposed to kill whoever you chose! I was supposed to make you suffer! Now I have no choice but to kill SockatOr!
Satyr: Wait a sec. Before you do that, why don't you show us who you really are!
Purple Slug: I underestimated you.
Purple Slug grabbed her face and started pulling it off. It was another mask.
Satyr: Ha! I knew it was you, Invader Zim!
Invader Zim: Yes. It is me. This is my revenge for every time you made me ruin my computer equipment whenever you mentioned Jena Malone!
Satyr: Jena Malone!
Invader Zim stood still and then started shaking. He let out a moan and once again stood still.
Zim: These were my favorite pants! Now your woman dies!
Zim started toward SockatOr with the sword raised.
Gweg: Shoot him!
Satyr: I only had one bullet.
Gweg suddenly remembered something.
Gweg: You idiot! Use the Duce X Machine!
Satyr had completely forgot he had it. He pulled it out of his pocket and pressed the button. The lights went of. A huge picture of Jena Malone appeared in the air.
Zim was just about to stab SockatOr through the heart when he saw the picture. He dropped the sword and and pulled down his pants and went to town on himself.
Satyr: That will only stop him for so long. We need something else!
Pillz: Hey! All right! The Toy Surprise!
Pillz opened up the the little package.
Pillz: It's a Green Lantern Ring!
Pillz put it on and felt the Ring's power flow through him.
Pillz: In brightest day, in blackest night No evil shall escape my sight Let those who worship evil's might Beware my power, Green Lantern's light!
A green light erupted from the ring to form a giant chainsaw. Pillz raised it up in the air and brought it down on Invader Zim, cutting him in half.
Satyr freed SockatOr from her shackles.
Gweg: Well. I'm glad that's over. We should probably take Primus' body back to his family.
Satyr: I'll take care of that.
Satyr pressed the button on the Duce X Machine. Primus' body erupted in flames and was burnt to a crisp.
Satyr: I didn't see that coming.
Gweg: Damn it. You know, I actually liked that kid. He did nothing to deserve this. Satyr, give me the Duce X Machine.
Satyr: Why?
Gweg: Because you are not responsible enough to have it.
Satyr: You can have it when you pry it from my cold dead hands.
Gweg: Pillz if you would please.
Pillz pointed the Ring at Satyr.
Satyr: Fine. Here take it.
Pillz: Well, I'm out of here. Time to go do some good with the Ring. So long.
Satyr watched him leave with some anger in his eyes.
Satyr: Jordan sucks. We all know Alan Scott was the best Lantern anyway.
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