The Mime Incident

Gweg had the apartment all to himself. He decided to do cleaning, reading, and napping. Today was going to be a very good day for him. Satyr had decided to spend the whole day in town.

Gweg had finished cleaning and was about to lay down on the couch to do some reading, when Satyr burst through the door.

Gweg: Every fucking time!

Satyr: What?

Gweg: Every time I begin to do something I enjoy, you manage to interrupt it.

Satyr: Well, I'm sorry, but I need your help.

Gweg: What is it now?

Satyr: There is this mime two blocks down the street. And he attacked me.

Gweg: Why would a mime attack you?

Satyr: I found out his secret.

Gweg: What secret?

Satyr: That mimes are really from outer space!

Gweg: Last week you were telling me they were all from France.

Satyr: They are. You see, thousands of years ago, the mimes landed in France. They bred with humans. Now these half breed mimes are plotting to take over the world!

Gweg: You probably read that in the Weekly World News.

Satyr: No I did not. It's true. The mime even talked to me and said if I told anybody, he would kill me.

Gweg: So why did you tell me?

Satyr: Because we are going to go down there and capture him. Then we will perform experiments on him.

Gweg: I have a lot better things to do than to kidnap a mime.

Satyr: Come down with me and I'll prove it. This mime has some sort of Force-like superpower.

Gweg: I suppose you won't go away if I don't?

Satyr: I'm staying right here unless you come down with me.

Gweg: Fine. Show me your Space Mime From Mars.

Satyr led Gweg down the street.

Satyr: There he is. I will approach him slowly.

Satyr started to walk towards the mime slowly, but then he broke out into a run. The mime was doing the "Trapped in a Box" routine, and when Satyr reached the part where the invisible wall was, Satyr stopped as though he smacked right into it and he fell to the ground.

Satyr got up and yelled over to Gweg.

Satyr: See that? He has the power to create invisible things. Like this box!

The mime then started swirling an invisible lasso over his head. He swung it at Satyr. Satyr stood still with his arms at his side and started to struggle. The mime then drew his arm back and Satyr fell flat on his face.

Satyr: Help me Gweg!

The mime then started dribbling a pretend basketball. Satyr managed to get himself up and the mime threw the invisible basketball at Satyr's head.

Satyr's head bounced back as he let out a "Ow!". The mime then reached behind his back drew out an invisible sword.

As the mime approached Satyr, Gweg tackled the mime from behind and dropped him to the ground.

Satyr pulled a syringe out of his pocket and stuck it into the mime's neck.

Satyr: Mr. Mime here is going to be sleeping for a few hours, let's get him to the apartment.

Satyr and Gweg brought the mime back to their apartment. They tied him to the bed. Satyr went out and got a hacksaw and a blowtorch.

Satyr: Ok Gweg, this has to be handled delicately. Now, from what we have seen from this mime, his power is in his appendages.

Gweg: Remind me again why I am doing this.

Satyr: We are doing it for science. We are doing it for history. We are doing it to benefit mankind.

Gweg: How will this benefit mankind?

Satyr: By unlocking the mystery of this alien and tapping into his powers, we might find the secrets to curing cancer, or finding a bet fuel resource, or just make life easier for the common man!

Gweg: That all sounds good, but I can't help thinking you have some sort of ulterior motive.

Satyr looked hurt by this comment.

Satyr: How could you even say that? The only reason I am doing this is to help my fellow man!

Gweg: You are a satyr.

Satyr: It's that kind of labeling that sets us back. It's people like you who do not help us wipe out discrimination. Now, pick up that blowtorch and help me cut up this mime to advance mankind!

Gweg picked up the blowtorch and Satyr went to work. Satyr cut off the mime's arm and blood started squirting everywhere.

Gweg: He's bleeding all over my fucking bed!

Satyr: Well then hurry up and cauterize that wound.

Two hours later, they had finished. Satyr piled the disembodied appendages in the corner.

Satyr: Well, the hard part is done. I could go for a McRib right about now.

Gweg: That's disgusting.

Satyr: Yeah well, we need to take a break anyway. It'll be a while until I can figure out how exactly to tap into his power.

Satyr snickered.

Gweg didn't trust that laugh. He went up to the mime's head and put his fingers on his neck to check for a pulse. Gweg found one. The mime opened his mouth and Gweg looked inside and saw something that made him scream at Satyr.

Gweg: He doesn't have a tongue!

Satyr: So what?

Gweg: That means he can't talk! And you told me he said he would kill you if you told anybody he was an alien.

Satyr: Uh, he used telepathy.

Gweg: You lying sack of shit!

Gweg picked up the blowtorch and pointed it a Satyr's face.

Gweg: Tell me what's really going on or I will burn your face off right here and now/

Satyr: Ok! When I went out today, I saw the mime and I got an idea. I told the mime I would pay him 20 dollars if he pretended to attack me with invisible stuff in front of you.

Gweg: To convince me he was an alien?

Satyr: Yes.

Gweg: I take it he didn't know about that part.

Satyr: Yeah. I needed your help to kidnap him and bring him up here so we could cut off his arms and legs.

Gweg: But why?

Satyr: To create the world's first Quadriplegic Mime!

Gweg: I don't even know what words to use to describe how idiotic that is.

Satyr: Think about. A Quadriplegic Mime will draw huge crowds. It's innovation will be the marvel of the world! It will make the cover of Time magazine!

Gweg: How in the hell is a quadriplegic mime supposed to do his act?

Satyr: That's the beauty of it! It's tragically funny.

Gweg: It's tragic all right. Now, we have to do the right thing and put this poor mime out of his misery.

Gweg picked up the hacksaw and went towards the mime's neck. He then heard a voice speaking in his head.

The Voice: Your friend was right. We mimes really are an alien/human race. All we want to do is live peacefully here as we perform our acts on the street. We are not the violent type, but since you and your friends have ruined me, I will now kill the both of you!

Gweg turned to Satyr.

Gweg: How did you do that?

Satyr: Do what?

Gweg: That nifty little trick were you....

But Gweg was cut off by a sound coming from the corner. Gweg and Satyr turned to look and they saw the mime's two arms crawling out from under the legs. After the freed themselves, They stood up on their hands, palms flat to the floor, with the arms sticking straight up.

The bent at the elbows and jumped toward Gweg. The hands opened and they grabbed Gweg at the neck.

Gweg dropped the saw and grabbed at the arms.

Gweg (choking): Get them off of me!

Satyr went towards Gweg, but he felt something hit him in the ass.

He turned around and the mime's legs were standing right in front of him.

One of the legs jumped up at kicked Satyr right in the face.

Satyr: Ow! My fugging node!

Gweg was still struggling with the arms when he noticed the blowtorch. He reached down to get it and turned it on the arms.

It didn't work, they choked Gweg even harder.

The legs kept hitting Satyr.

Satyr: Kill the fugging mime!

Gweg managed to get over by the mime and he knocked him out with the butt of the blowtorch.

The arms and legs fell to the floor.

Satyr: Whad da fug was dad all aboud?

Gweg (gasping): He really was an alien.

Satyr: No shid?

Gweg: Yeah. Now let's get rid of him. All of him.

Satyr and Gweg threw the arms and the legs into the building incinerator.

They took his body out on the boat and took it out into the middle of the lake.

Satyr: Lod od memmoried ad thid lade.

Gweg: Yeah. We almost got killed by the aborted Jesus fetus.

Satyr: Good dimed!

They dumped the body into the lake.

Gweg: Well, I'm glad this is all over. Let's go home.


Four Days Later

Gweg: Come on Satyr, it's time to go grocery shopping!

Satyr: I'm coming.

They drove for a few blocks and then came to a stop. A couple blocks ahead of them, there were a bunch of people walking down the middle of the road.

Satyr: What the hell is this?

Gweg: Looks like a parade. They all seem to be wearing the same thing.

Satyr: But it's not a holiday.

Gweg: Maybe it's a gay pride parade.

Satyr: I don't think so. They wouldn't have one without inviting you.

Gweg: You are a funny guy. Oh shit!

Gweg looked at the crowd with wide eyed. Satyr saw what it was about them that scared Gweg.

They were mimes.

And leading them was a mime pushing a wheelchair. And in the wheelchair, was a quadriplegic mime.

He started talking to Gweg and Satyr through telepathy.

The Quadriplegic Mime: So, you think a little water will kill me huh? It will take more than that! But we'll see what it takes to kill you! Maybe suffocation inside an invisible box! Or how about being strung up by an invisible rope! Or maybe we'll just hack off your arms and legs and beat you to death with them!

Gweg: Last week, if you were to ask me how I was going die, I never would have said "By getting killed by a hundred alien mimes from France being given orders by their quadriplegic leader".

Satyr let out a laugh.

Gweg: I know it sounds funny, but being that is it the actual situation, forgive me if I don't join you.

Satyr: Not that, look over there.

Satyr pointed at a store.

Gweg: The Bath and Body Works?

Satyr: Yes. What is the weakness of the French? Soap.

Satyr and Gweg ran out of the car and into the store.

The mimes gathered outside in front of it. The quadriplegic mime called out to them telepathically.

The QM: Come on out you two! You are only delaying the inevitable!

Satyr: Have it your way!

Satyr and Gweg ran out, liquid soap bottles in hand, and started spraying the mimes.

The mimes started to retreat.

They heard the QM screaming in their heads.

The QM: You may have defeated us this time! But we will have our revenge!

The mimes were gone.

Satyr: Ah good ol' soap.

Gweg: What kind of soap is this anyway? Dues ex machina?

Satyr: What?

Gweg: You know. The "god in the machine". When somebody finds themselves in a situation they can't get out of and something comes out of the blue and saves them, that's known as a deus ex machina.

Satyr: That gives me a wonderful idea.

Gweg: Whatever. Let's get to the store.

The End.