Gweg returned home to find all of the furniture out of the living room. In their place, he saw a dozen folding chairs and a podium. He couldn't wait to hear what Satyr was up to now.
Gweg went to Satyr's room and knocked on the door. There was no answer. Gweg then heard the shower turn on in the bathroom. Gweg was perplexed by this, because he could never recall a time when Satyr used the shower.
Half an hour later, Satyr came out of the bathroom.
Gweg: What's the deal with the chair and the podium.
Satyr: I have invited a few members of the Adult Swim Message Board over here for a meeting.
Gweg: A meeting about what?
Satyr: My bid for the Presidency in 2020.
Gweg: It's 2005.
Satyr: There is no better time to start than the present.
Gweg: So, your friends from the boards are coming over. I hope none of them are trying to kill you. No wait, I take that back.
Satyr: Don't worry, I only invited those who would help me in my campaign. Go ahead, take a seat.
Gweg: All right, this might prove entertaining.
There was a knock at the door. Satyr answered it.
Satyr: Ah good, sparks is here.
sparks: I am here to help Satyr bring his greatness throughout the land!
Gweg let out a laugh.
Satyr: I'm glad you could make it. Grab a seat and we'll wait for the others.
sparks: You must be Gweg.
Gweg: That I am.
sparks: Do you oppose Satyr and all who follow him?
Gweg: I have better things to do with my time.
sparks: Good. All those who oppose will be shot!
Satyr: That's right. I'll tell you this now spark before we begin, you will be head of my Secret Service.
spark: It will be my honor.
There was another knock at the door. Satyr opened it to find the next ASMBer.
RadioactiveDude: Yes, I am here. Now, what about granting my wish?
Satyr: Breakdancing naked on a roof during a thunderstorm?
RadioactiveDude: No, the other one.
Satyr: Fine, here's your new mp3 player.
RadioactiveDude took the player and sat down next to sparks.
sparks: It's good to see you here.
RadioactiveDude: Likewise.
sparks: So, why did Satyr have to bribe you to come here? You should have come out of blind loyalty.
RadioactiveDude: I did, the mp3 player was for something else.
sparks: What?
RadioactiveDude: You'll see.
Satyr: That's right RD, we don't want to spoil the surprise.
A few minutes later, RyanfromtheShire arrived.
Ryan: Thank you for inviting me Satyr!
Satyr: Thank you for coming.
Ryan: Right on!
Satyr: Nice jacket there. It's really big.
Ryan: Yeah. It's my band jacket.
Satyr: Cool, have a seat.
Ryan sat down.
Ryan: Where are your instruments?
sparks: What instruments.
Ryan: Satyr told me he was starting a band!
Satyr: I lied. I needed to get you here. You will be an important part of my plans.
Ryan: You said we were going to get wasted and play some tunes!
Satyr: Well, I knew the temptation of alcohol would lure you here.
Ryan: Forget you Satyr! I came here with the promise of beer and music! I'm leaving!
Ryan got up to leave. Satyr gave a signal to sparks.
Sparks took a blow dart out of his pocket and blew it towards Ryan. The dart shot into his neck and he collapsed to the floor.
Satyr: Good job sparks. The only rule I have here tonight is that no one is to breath a word about what is discussed here.
Radioactive Dude and sparks both nodded their heads in agreement. Gweg just stared silently into the sky.
Satyr: All right sparks, help me move Ryan into Gweg's room. We'll throw him on the bed. How long will he be out for?
sparks: What do you mean?
Satyr: You know, how long does that tranq dart put a person out?
sparks: Tranquilizer dart? No, that was a lethal dart.
Satyr: So Ryan is dead then?
sparks: Yeah.
Satyr: Oh well, let's get him on Gweg's bed and we'll get rid of the body later.
Gweg: Let's cut him up and throw him in the incinerator.
Satyr: Good thinking Gweg. I'll let you and sparks take care of that.
Gweg: I wasn't being serious.
Satyr: This is no time for jokes Gweg! Do you know what this could do to my campaign? If I'm connected to this death, I'll probably only serve four years instead of eight.
There was a knock on the door.
Satyr: Quick! Let's get this body into the bed room!
Satyr and sparks got the body into the bed room. RadioactiveDude answered the door.
It was DragoonKnight and C17H19N03.
C17: Hey guys! We are here to make history!
Dragoon: Hello. How are you all doing? I'm doing fine. Thank you for asking.
Satyr leaned over to C17.
Satyr: What the hell is wrong with him.
C17: It's ok. He just doesn't have a personality.
Dragoon: But I do have a 1944 penny. I take it with me wherever I go.
Satyr: That's nice. We are almost ready to begin.
C17: Where's Ryan. I know that had to be his car out front.
Satyr: He's feeling a little sick, so he decided to lay down for a while. That's ok though, we can do this meeting without him.
RadioactiveDude: Where's PatheticAesthetic? I though she was going to be here.
Satyr: She already is.
As if on cue, PatheticAesthetic walked out of the bathroom.
Aesthetic: Wow Satyr, that shower really wore me out.
Satyr: That was nothing: You wait until the marathon tonight. Your whole body will feel like it's been through a machine. A love machine!
Aesthetic blushed and sat down.
Gweg: Why are all of these ASMB chicks in love with you?
Satyr: Because I provide the comedy. Because I know how to make a woman feel good.
Gweg: What about that girl in the grocery store today?
Satyr: It's not my fault she wasn't prepared to ride the crimson wave. Anyway, you need to shut up, because we need to be focused. We just have to wait for one more person.
C17: Who? I thought it was going to be just us.
Satyr and Dude looked at each other and laughed.
Satyr: it's a bit of a surprise, but he is the key to my plans.
And once again, as if on cue, there was a knock at the door.
Satyr: Here he is. This is going to be great.
Satyr opened the door. And in the hallway, stood Pero.
Pero: I came here because the radioactive man said he would give me some of his video games if I did. That's him over there sitting down. Where are the games?
Dude: They are right here in this bag.
Pero: Thank you. It's hard to find good games like this. My mother works hard and she brings home money. She gives me an allowance. I use some of the money to buy games. This week I won't have to because the radioactive man gave me some cool games.
Sparks walked up to Satyr and whispered into his ear.
sparks: What the in the hell is he doing here?
Satyr: Don't worry. Just sit down. I'll explain everything.
sparks sit back down. Pero still stood near the podium looking at his games.
Satyr: Go ahead and take a seat Pero.
Pero: Ok. Do you have anything to drink? Water will do fine. It's been a while since I drank pop.
Satyr: All right. Let's all go into the kitchen and get some refreshments before we begin.
They all headed into the kitchen. Satyr had a some cheese and crackers prepared. They grabbed sodas from the fridge, Pero got his water.
C17 spotted a cookie jar on the counter and decided to help himself.
Satyr: No C17! Don't get into that!
Satyr's warning came to late. C17 stuck his hand into the cookie jar and pulled it back out. His hand was covered in a black ash.
C17: What is this stuff?
Satyr: That would be Primus' cremated remains.
C17: Oh my god!
Satyr: We had to put it in something. Here, if you want a cookie, put on these gloves and get one out.
Dragoon: You left the cookies in there?
Satyr: Yeah, it keeps them fresh.
Dragoon: I'll have one then.
Pero: I went to the store one time and got a cookie. It tasted real nice. It had that candy in it, the red and blue ones. They have talking ones on the commercials. I like that one commercial with the gecko. I had an iguana once. But my family went to Florida on a vacation for two weeks and nobody was around to feed it. It died. I cried for a while but then my mom bought me a cat. We named it Carl after my Uncle. He used to work for Time magazine. He would write articles about movies. My favorite movie is Small Soldiers. It has Kirsten Dunst in it. If I ever see her on the street, I wouldn't talk to her it's because I choke around girls. But I am reading a book on how to overcome shyness. Like the one in Earthbound. Earthbound was a great game. I was going to spend some money on games this week, but the radioactive man got some for me.
sparks: Oh my god! You are a fucking idiot!
Pero said nothing. In fact, he looked as though he didn't hear the comment at all.
Satyr: All right, let's get back in the front room and get this thing started.
Satyr: All right. As you all know, I'm planning to campaign for the Presidency of the USA in the year 2020. You are all here because you all provide something that will be useful to me. sparks will be in charge of security. PatheticAesthetic will be in charge of moral, emotional, and sexual support. C17 will be put in charge of spying on the competition and DragoonKnight will be in charge of the press.
Gweg: I'd really hate to spoil all of your fun here. But aren't you forgetting a simple little fact?
Satyr: What would that be Gweg?
Gweg: You need to be a natural born US citizen to run for President! You were born in an entirely different dimension.
Satyr: I'm glad you brought that up. That's where our good friend Pero comes in. You see, I will not be the one elected President, I'll just be pulling the strings. Pero is the one the American people will vote for!
C17: President Pero? You have got to be kidding me. With all due respect Satyr, no one will want to vote for that utter moron.
Satyr: I've got two words for you: George Bush.
Satyr saw them all nodding and smiling, with the exception of Gweg who was shaking his head and Pero, who was reading the instruction booklet to one of his video games.
PatheticAesthetic: You are an absolute genius Satyr.
She ran up to him and kissed passionately.
Satyr: I know. It's amazing how my mind works.
Gweg: For the first time tonight, you and I agree on something.
Dragoon: But will Pero go for it? I think we will have to get him an XBox 360 for him to do something that big.
Satyr: What do you say Pero? Will you be the front man for me while I really run the show?
Pero: What's that one thing called? The thing that has pointy stuff out in the desert?
Satyr: A cactus?
Pero: Yeah.
Satyr: What about them?
Pero: I just wanted to know what they were called.
Satyr: You really are a fucking moron. This plan will work better than I imagined.
Pero sat still for a few seconds and then started to shake. He let out a scream and start growing! His shirt ripped right off of his body and his skin turned yellow. He grew at least 4 feet higher and had muscles on top of muscles.
PeroHulk: Puny humans and goat-man make fun of Pero! Pero Smash!
Pero lunged out with his fist and smashed the podium.
Satyr: Everybody run!
Pero reached out and grabbed Satyr, Satyr managed to get free but fell to the ground.
sparks: I'll save you Satyr!
sparks leaped from the ground and landed in front of Satyr. PeroHulk grabbed him and tore him in half.
Satyr: You just killed the future Head of the Secret Service!
PeroHulk raised his giant foot in the air and was ready to stomp on Satyr.
And then, as if on cue, RyanfromtheShire emerged from the hall.
Ryan: Damn I've got a hell of a headache. It's worse than a hangover, what the hell is going on out here?
PeroHulk stared at Ryan and slowly raised his foot down.
PeroHulk: Puffy Jacket bad! Puffy Jacket scare Pero.
PeroHulk bolted out of the door, taking most of the wall around it with him, and was heard running to the outside.
Satyr: How are you alive Ryan? sparks said that dart was lethal.
Ryan: Please, after all the alcohol I've drank in my life, no poison could kill me!
The End.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Thursday, November 17, 2005
The Mime Incident
Gweg had the apartment all to himself. He decided to do cleaning, reading, and napping. Today was going to be a very good day for him. Satyr had decided to spend the whole day in town.
Gweg had finished cleaning and was about to lay down on the couch to do some reading, when Satyr burst through the door.
Gweg: Every fucking time!
Satyr: What?
Gweg: Every time I begin to do something I enjoy, you manage to interrupt it.
Satyr: Well, I'm sorry, but I need your help.
Gweg: What is it now?
Satyr: There is this mime two blocks down the street. And he attacked me.
Gweg: Why would a mime attack you?
Satyr: I found out his secret.
Gweg: What secret?
Satyr: That mimes are really from outer space!
Gweg: Last week you were telling me they were all from France.
Satyr: They are. You see, thousands of years ago, the mimes landed in France. They bred with humans. Now these half breed mimes are plotting to take over the world!
Gweg: You probably read that in the Weekly World News.
Satyr: No I did not. It's true. The mime even talked to me and said if I told anybody, he would kill me.
Gweg: So why did you tell me?
Satyr: Because we are going to go down there and capture him. Then we will perform experiments on him.
Gweg: I have a lot better things to do than to kidnap a mime.
Satyr: Come down with me and I'll prove it. This mime has some sort of Force-like superpower.
Gweg: I suppose you won't go away if I don't?
Satyr: I'm staying right here unless you come down with me.
Gweg: Fine. Show me your Space Mime From Mars.
Satyr led Gweg down the street.
Satyr: There he is. I will approach him slowly.
Satyr started to walk towards the mime slowly, but then he broke out into a run. The mime was doing the "Trapped in a Box" routine, and when Satyr reached the part where the invisible wall was, Satyr stopped as though he smacked right into it and he fell to the ground.
Satyr got up and yelled over to Gweg.
Satyr: See that? He has the power to create invisible things. Like this box!
The mime then started swirling an invisible lasso over his head. He swung it at Satyr. Satyr stood still with his arms at his side and started to struggle. The mime then drew his arm back and Satyr fell flat on his face.
Satyr: Help me Gweg!
The mime then started dribbling a pretend basketball. Satyr managed to get himself up and the mime threw the invisible basketball at Satyr's head.
Satyr's head bounced back as he let out a "Ow!". The mime then reached behind his back drew out an invisible sword.
As the mime approached Satyr, Gweg tackled the mime from behind and dropped him to the ground.
Satyr pulled a syringe out of his pocket and stuck it into the mime's neck.
Satyr: Mr. Mime here is going to be sleeping for a few hours, let's get him to the apartment.
Satyr and Gweg brought the mime back to their apartment. They tied him to the bed. Satyr went out and got a hacksaw and a blowtorch.
Satyr: Ok Gweg, this has to be handled delicately. Now, from what we have seen from this mime, his power is in his appendages.
Gweg: Remind me again why I am doing this.
Satyr: We are doing it for science. We are doing it for history. We are doing it to benefit mankind.
Gweg: How will this benefit mankind?
Satyr: By unlocking the mystery of this alien and tapping into his powers, we might find the secrets to curing cancer, or finding a bet fuel resource, or just make life easier for the common man!
Gweg: That all sounds good, but I can't help thinking you have some sort of ulterior motive.
Satyr looked hurt by this comment.
Satyr: How could you even say that? The only reason I am doing this is to help my fellow man!
Gweg: You are a satyr.
Satyr: It's that kind of labeling that sets us back. It's people like you who do not help us wipe out discrimination. Now, pick up that blowtorch and help me cut up this mime to advance mankind!
Gweg picked up the blowtorch and Satyr went to work. Satyr cut off the mime's arm and blood started squirting everywhere.
Gweg: He's bleeding all over my fucking bed!
Satyr: Well then hurry up and cauterize that wound.
Two hours later, they had finished. Satyr piled the disembodied appendages in the corner.
Satyr: Well, the hard part is done. I could go for a McRib right about now.
Gweg: That's disgusting.
Satyr: Yeah well, we need to take a break anyway. It'll be a while until I can figure out how exactly to tap into his power.
Satyr snickered.
Gweg didn't trust that laugh. He went up to the mime's head and put his fingers on his neck to check for a pulse. Gweg found one. The mime opened his mouth and Gweg looked inside and saw something that made him scream at Satyr.
Gweg: He doesn't have a tongue!
Satyr: So what?
Gweg: That means he can't talk! And you told me he said he would kill you if you told anybody he was an alien.
Satyr: Uh, he used telepathy.
Gweg: You lying sack of shit!
Gweg picked up the blowtorch and pointed it a Satyr's face.
Gweg: Tell me what's really going on or I will burn your face off right here and now/
Satyr: Ok! When I went out today, I saw the mime and I got an idea. I told the mime I would pay him 20 dollars if he pretended to attack me with invisible stuff in front of you.
Gweg: To convince me he was an alien?
Satyr: Yes.
Gweg: I take it he didn't know about that part.
Satyr: Yeah. I needed your help to kidnap him and bring him up here so we could cut off his arms and legs.
Gweg: But why?
Satyr: To create the world's first Quadriplegic Mime!
Gweg: I don't even know what words to use to describe how idiotic that is.
Satyr: Think about. A Quadriplegic Mime will draw huge crowds. It's innovation will be the marvel of the world! It will make the cover of Time magazine!
Gweg: How in the hell is a quadriplegic mime supposed to do his act?
Satyr: That's the beauty of it! It's tragically funny.
Gweg: It's tragic all right. Now, we have to do the right thing and put this poor mime out of his misery.
Gweg picked up the hacksaw and went towards the mime's neck. He then heard a voice speaking in his head.
The Voice: Your friend was right. We mimes really are an alien/human race. All we want to do is live peacefully here as we perform our acts on the street. We are not the violent type, but since you and your friends have ruined me, I will now kill the both of you!
Gweg turned to Satyr.
Gweg: How did you do that?
Satyr: Do what?
Gweg: That nifty little trick were you....
But Gweg was cut off by a sound coming from the corner. Gweg and Satyr turned to look and they saw the mime's two arms crawling out from under the legs. After the freed themselves, They stood up on their hands, palms flat to the floor, with the arms sticking straight up.
The bent at the elbows and jumped toward Gweg. The hands opened and they grabbed Gweg at the neck.
Gweg dropped the saw and grabbed at the arms.
Gweg (choking): Get them off of me!
Satyr went towards Gweg, but he felt something hit him in the ass.
He turned around and the mime's legs were standing right in front of him.
One of the legs jumped up at kicked Satyr right in the face.
Satyr: Ow! My fugging node!
Gweg was still struggling with the arms when he noticed the blowtorch. He reached down to get it and turned it on the arms.
It didn't work, they choked Gweg even harder.
The legs kept hitting Satyr.
Satyr: Kill the fugging mime!
Gweg managed to get over by the mime and he knocked him out with the butt of the blowtorch.
The arms and legs fell to the floor.
Satyr: Whad da fug was dad all aboud?
Gweg (gasping): He really was an alien.
Satyr: No shid?
Gweg: Yeah. Now let's get rid of him. All of him.
Satyr and Gweg threw the arms and the legs into the building incinerator.
They took his body out on the boat and took it out into the middle of the lake.
Satyr: Lod od memmoried ad thid lade.
Gweg: Yeah. We almost got killed by the aborted Jesus fetus.
Satyr: Good dimed!
They dumped the body into the lake.
Gweg: Well, I'm glad this is all over. Let's go home.
Four Days Later
Gweg: Come on Satyr, it's time to go grocery shopping!
Satyr: I'm coming.
They drove for a few blocks and then came to a stop. A couple blocks ahead of them, there were a bunch of people walking down the middle of the road.
Satyr: What the hell is this?
Gweg: Looks like a parade. They all seem to be wearing the same thing.
Satyr: But it's not a holiday.
Gweg: Maybe it's a gay pride parade.
Satyr: I don't think so. They wouldn't have one without inviting you.
Gweg: You are a funny guy. Oh shit!
Gweg looked at the crowd with wide eyed. Satyr saw what it was about them that scared Gweg.
They were mimes.
And leading them was a mime pushing a wheelchair. And in the wheelchair, was a quadriplegic mime.
He started talking to Gweg and Satyr through telepathy.
The Quadriplegic Mime: So, you think a little water will kill me huh? It will take more than that! But we'll see what it takes to kill you! Maybe suffocation inside an invisible box! Or how about being strung up by an invisible rope! Or maybe we'll just hack off your arms and legs and beat you to death with them!
Gweg: Last week, if you were to ask me how I was going die, I never would have said "By getting killed by a hundred alien mimes from France being given orders by their quadriplegic leader".
Satyr let out a laugh.
Gweg: I know it sounds funny, but being that is it the actual situation, forgive me if I don't join you.
Satyr: Not that, look over there.
Satyr pointed at a store.
Gweg: The Bath and Body Works?
Satyr: Yes. What is the weakness of the French? Soap.
Satyr and Gweg ran out of the car and into the store.
The mimes gathered outside in front of it. The quadriplegic mime called out to them telepathically.
The QM: Come on out you two! You are only delaying the inevitable!
Satyr: Have it your way!
Satyr and Gweg ran out, liquid soap bottles in hand, and started spraying the mimes.
The mimes started to retreat.
They heard the QM screaming in their heads.
The QM: You may have defeated us this time! But we will have our revenge!
The mimes were gone.
Satyr: Ah good ol' soap.
Gweg: What kind of soap is this anyway? Dues ex machina?
Satyr: What?
Gweg: You know. The "god in the machine". When somebody finds themselves in a situation they can't get out of and something comes out of the blue and saves them, that's known as a deus ex machina.
Satyr: That gives me a wonderful idea.
Gweg: Whatever. Let's get to the store.
The End.
Gweg had finished cleaning and was about to lay down on the couch to do some reading, when Satyr burst through the door.
Gweg: Every fucking time!
Satyr: What?
Gweg: Every time I begin to do something I enjoy, you manage to interrupt it.
Satyr: Well, I'm sorry, but I need your help.
Gweg: What is it now?
Satyr: There is this mime two blocks down the street. And he attacked me.
Gweg: Why would a mime attack you?
Satyr: I found out his secret.
Gweg: What secret?
Satyr: That mimes are really from outer space!
Gweg: Last week you were telling me they were all from France.
Satyr: They are. You see, thousands of years ago, the mimes landed in France. They bred with humans. Now these half breed mimes are plotting to take over the world!
Gweg: You probably read that in the Weekly World News.
Satyr: No I did not. It's true. The mime even talked to me and said if I told anybody, he would kill me.
Gweg: So why did you tell me?
Satyr: Because we are going to go down there and capture him. Then we will perform experiments on him.
Gweg: I have a lot better things to do than to kidnap a mime.
Satyr: Come down with me and I'll prove it. This mime has some sort of Force-like superpower.
Gweg: I suppose you won't go away if I don't?
Satyr: I'm staying right here unless you come down with me.
Gweg: Fine. Show me your Space Mime From Mars.
Satyr led Gweg down the street.
Satyr: There he is. I will approach him slowly.
Satyr started to walk towards the mime slowly, but then he broke out into a run. The mime was doing the "Trapped in a Box" routine, and when Satyr reached the part where the invisible wall was, Satyr stopped as though he smacked right into it and he fell to the ground.
Satyr got up and yelled over to Gweg.
Satyr: See that? He has the power to create invisible things. Like this box!
The mime then started swirling an invisible lasso over his head. He swung it at Satyr. Satyr stood still with his arms at his side and started to struggle. The mime then drew his arm back and Satyr fell flat on his face.
Satyr: Help me Gweg!
The mime then started dribbling a pretend basketball. Satyr managed to get himself up and the mime threw the invisible basketball at Satyr's head.
Satyr's head bounced back as he let out a "Ow!". The mime then reached behind his back drew out an invisible sword.
As the mime approached Satyr, Gweg tackled the mime from behind and dropped him to the ground.
Satyr pulled a syringe out of his pocket and stuck it into the mime's neck.
Satyr: Mr. Mime here is going to be sleeping for a few hours, let's get him to the apartment.
Satyr and Gweg brought the mime back to their apartment. They tied him to the bed. Satyr went out and got a hacksaw and a blowtorch.
Satyr: Ok Gweg, this has to be handled delicately. Now, from what we have seen from this mime, his power is in his appendages.
Gweg: Remind me again why I am doing this.
Satyr: We are doing it for science. We are doing it for history. We are doing it to benefit mankind.
Gweg: How will this benefit mankind?
Satyr: By unlocking the mystery of this alien and tapping into his powers, we might find the secrets to curing cancer, or finding a bet fuel resource, or just make life easier for the common man!
Gweg: That all sounds good, but I can't help thinking you have some sort of ulterior motive.
Satyr looked hurt by this comment.
Satyr: How could you even say that? The only reason I am doing this is to help my fellow man!
Gweg: You are a satyr.
Satyr: It's that kind of labeling that sets us back. It's people like you who do not help us wipe out discrimination. Now, pick up that blowtorch and help me cut up this mime to advance mankind!
Gweg picked up the blowtorch and Satyr went to work. Satyr cut off the mime's arm and blood started squirting everywhere.
Gweg: He's bleeding all over my fucking bed!
Satyr: Well then hurry up and cauterize that wound.
Two hours later, they had finished. Satyr piled the disembodied appendages in the corner.
Satyr: Well, the hard part is done. I could go for a McRib right about now.
Gweg: That's disgusting.
Satyr: Yeah well, we need to take a break anyway. It'll be a while until I can figure out how exactly to tap into his power.
Satyr snickered.
Gweg didn't trust that laugh. He went up to the mime's head and put his fingers on his neck to check for a pulse. Gweg found one. The mime opened his mouth and Gweg looked inside and saw something that made him scream at Satyr.
Gweg: He doesn't have a tongue!
Satyr: So what?
Gweg: That means he can't talk! And you told me he said he would kill you if you told anybody he was an alien.
Satyr: Uh, he used telepathy.
Gweg: You lying sack of shit!
Gweg picked up the blowtorch and pointed it a Satyr's face.
Gweg: Tell me what's really going on or I will burn your face off right here and now/
Satyr: Ok! When I went out today, I saw the mime and I got an idea. I told the mime I would pay him 20 dollars if he pretended to attack me with invisible stuff in front of you.
Gweg: To convince me he was an alien?
Satyr: Yes.
Gweg: I take it he didn't know about that part.
Satyr: Yeah. I needed your help to kidnap him and bring him up here so we could cut off his arms and legs.
Gweg: But why?
Satyr: To create the world's first Quadriplegic Mime!
Gweg: I don't even know what words to use to describe how idiotic that is.
Satyr: Think about. A Quadriplegic Mime will draw huge crowds. It's innovation will be the marvel of the world! It will make the cover of Time magazine!
Gweg: How in the hell is a quadriplegic mime supposed to do his act?
Satyr: That's the beauty of it! It's tragically funny.
Gweg: It's tragic all right. Now, we have to do the right thing and put this poor mime out of his misery.
Gweg picked up the hacksaw and went towards the mime's neck. He then heard a voice speaking in his head.
The Voice: Your friend was right. We mimes really are an alien/human race. All we want to do is live peacefully here as we perform our acts on the street. We are not the violent type, but since you and your friends have ruined me, I will now kill the both of you!
Gweg turned to Satyr.
Gweg: How did you do that?
Satyr: Do what?
Gweg: That nifty little trick were you....
But Gweg was cut off by a sound coming from the corner. Gweg and Satyr turned to look and they saw the mime's two arms crawling out from under the legs. After the freed themselves, They stood up on their hands, palms flat to the floor, with the arms sticking straight up.
The bent at the elbows and jumped toward Gweg. The hands opened and they grabbed Gweg at the neck.
Gweg dropped the saw and grabbed at the arms.
Gweg (choking): Get them off of me!
Satyr went towards Gweg, but he felt something hit him in the ass.
He turned around and the mime's legs were standing right in front of him.
One of the legs jumped up at kicked Satyr right in the face.
Satyr: Ow! My fugging node!
Gweg was still struggling with the arms when he noticed the blowtorch. He reached down to get it and turned it on the arms.
It didn't work, they choked Gweg even harder.
The legs kept hitting Satyr.
Satyr: Kill the fugging mime!
Gweg managed to get over by the mime and he knocked him out with the butt of the blowtorch.
The arms and legs fell to the floor.
Satyr: Whad da fug was dad all aboud?
Gweg (gasping): He really was an alien.
Satyr: No shid?
Gweg: Yeah. Now let's get rid of him. All of him.
Satyr and Gweg threw the arms and the legs into the building incinerator.
They took his body out on the boat and took it out into the middle of the lake.
Satyr: Lod od memmoried ad thid lade.
Gweg: Yeah. We almost got killed by the aborted Jesus fetus.
Satyr: Good dimed!
They dumped the body into the lake.
Gweg: Well, I'm glad this is all over. Let's go home.
Four Days Later
Gweg: Come on Satyr, it's time to go grocery shopping!
Satyr: I'm coming.
They drove for a few blocks and then came to a stop. A couple blocks ahead of them, there were a bunch of people walking down the middle of the road.
Satyr: What the hell is this?
Gweg: Looks like a parade. They all seem to be wearing the same thing.
Satyr: But it's not a holiday.
Gweg: Maybe it's a gay pride parade.
Satyr: I don't think so. They wouldn't have one without inviting you.
Gweg: You are a funny guy. Oh shit!
Gweg looked at the crowd with wide eyed. Satyr saw what it was about them that scared Gweg.
They were mimes.
And leading them was a mime pushing a wheelchair. And in the wheelchair, was a quadriplegic mime.
He started talking to Gweg and Satyr through telepathy.
The Quadriplegic Mime: So, you think a little water will kill me huh? It will take more than that! But we'll see what it takes to kill you! Maybe suffocation inside an invisible box! Or how about being strung up by an invisible rope! Or maybe we'll just hack off your arms and legs and beat you to death with them!
Gweg: Last week, if you were to ask me how I was going die, I never would have said "By getting killed by a hundred alien mimes from France being given orders by their quadriplegic leader".
Satyr let out a laugh.
Gweg: I know it sounds funny, but being that is it the actual situation, forgive me if I don't join you.
Satyr: Not that, look over there.
Satyr pointed at a store.
Gweg: The Bath and Body Works?
Satyr: Yes. What is the weakness of the French? Soap.
Satyr and Gweg ran out of the car and into the store.
The mimes gathered outside in front of it. The quadriplegic mime called out to them telepathically.
The QM: Come on out you two! You are only delaying the inevitable!
Satyr: Have it your way!
Satyr and Gweg ran out, liquid soap bottles in hand, and started spraying the mimes.
The mimes started to retreat.
They heard the QM screaming in their heads.
The QM: You may have defeated us this time! But we will have our revenge!
The mimes were gone.
Satyr: Ah good ol' soap.
Gweg: What kind of soap is this anyway? Dues ex machina?
Satyr: What?
Gweg: You know. The "god in the machine". When somebody finds themselves in a situation they can't get out of and something comes out of the blue and saves them, that's known as a deus ex machina.
Satyr: That gives me a wonderful idea.
Gweg: Whatever. Let's get to the store.
The End.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Saturday, November 05, 2005
Thursday, October 27, 2005
ASMB Story Part 1: The Stalker
The alarm clock went off and Satyr awoke from his 10 hour sleep. Before he went to sleep the night before, he had been up for 32 hours straight working on a new device, a device that was sure to be his ultimate creation.
Gweg was already up fixing breakfast. Satyr took his morning piss and sat down at the computer. After logging on, he checked his e-mails.
Satyr received a perplexing e-mail from somebody named "NewBuddy". This is what he wrote:
Dear Pollyknuckle,
I am your new buddy. I have been watching you for the past couple of weeks. Yes, I know all about you. Just the other day, you were in your room making some sort of little metallic box. I am interested to find out what it is!
I'll be sending some gifts your way, I do hope you get them.
See you soon
Your NewBuddy.
Satyr read through the e-mail several times. He was convinced it was a joke by Gweg.
Satyr: Gweg get in here!
Gweg: What is it? I've got the bacon on the stove.
Satyr: You think you are funny don't you? This little e-mail. Well, I'm not falling for it.
Gweg: What e-mail?
Satyr: This one.
Satyr pointed to the monitor. Gweg read the e-mail.
Gweg: Well, I swear to you I did not write it. But whoever did knows your real name. Pollyknuckle.
Gweg couldn't help but snicker when he said the name. Satyr growled under his breath and read the e-mail again. Gweg went back into the kitchen to tend to the bacon.
Satyr sent a reply to NewBuddy asking who he was. Satyr went to his usual sites while waiting for a response. Half an hour later, Satyr still had no new e-mails.
Gweg was finished with his breakfast and went into the computer room with Satyr.
Gweg: So, what's this small box all about?
Satyr: I knew it! NewBuddy is interested in the box and so are you! You've got to get up pretty early in the morning to fool me!
Gweg: I was up three hours before you were! And, I didn't fucking send it! I am only curious about the box because it can only mean one thing, trouble.
Satyr: That's were you are wrong. The box will be the answer to all of our problems.
Gweg: Unless the box can make you disappear and have Natalie Portman take your place, then I think your box is full of shit.
Satyr: You'll see. Come and watch.
Satyr and Gweg went to Satyr's room. Satyr picked up a small metallic box sitting on his dresser. The box was the size of a disposable camera and had one button on top of it and a lot of little red, green, and blue lights on it's sides.
Satyr: If you ever find yourself in a situation that requires a little something extra to get out of, something out of the blue for instance, a push of the button on this box, and voila, you have what you need! I call it the Duce X Machine!
Gweg: Why don't you give that button a press so I can find the words to tell you how incredibly fucking stupid you really are.
Satyr: Once again, I have produced greatness, but alas, the only audience I have for it is somebody with the emotional equivalence of a black hole!
Gweg: Ok Satyr. To prove your little toy works, let's take it to the computer and see if it will unravel the mystery of your stalker.
Satyr: Good idea Gweg. I could use a little more input like that from you more often.
Gweg: (under his breath) The next input you'll get from me, is when I input my foot up your ass.
Satyr: You say something?
Gweg: Nope.
Satyr sat the Duce X Machine on the computer desk. He brought up the e-mail and then pressed the Machine's button.
The Machine's lights started to flash and the computer monitor went blank. A few seconds later, a new web page was brought up.
Satyr: I'll be damned. It's the Adult Swim Message Board. I should have known that the stalker would be from there.
Gweg: Why do you say that?
Satyr: There are two kinds of people on the ASMB. Those who love me and those who hate me. Unfortunately, the latter outnumbers the former.
Gweg: Imagine that.
Satyr: But my stalker could be either type. This is going to take some serious investigating on our part.
Gweg: Why do you insist on including me. They are stalking you, I have no part in this at all.
Satyr: What if they sneak in here late at night to kill me? You think they are just going to let you live? Nope, they will kill you to.
Gweg: I hate to say it, but you do have a point. All right. Let's find out who it is.
Satyr compiled a list of ASMBers he thought would fit the profile of someone who would want to stalk him.
Satyr: All right. I made the list of potential stalkers. I put the most likely on the top of the list.
Gweg took the list from Satyr and read it.
Gweg: So, who's this Primus Fan 1?
Satyr: Uh yeah, there is something I should probably tell you before we begin.
Gweg: What is it?
Satyr: Well, you know they have these "live journals" on the internet. Well, I have my own and I mention you a few times.
Gweg: And?
Satyr: Well, Primus, he reads what I post there and he gets a kick out of our adventures. And He idolizes you.
Gweg: Well, I'm either flattered or appalled. I guess I'll find out which one it is later.
Satyr: He's a good kid. You'll like him.
Gweg: Yeah, if he doesn't have a shrine of me in his living room surrounded by the trash I throw out.
Satyr shrugged his shoulders.
Satyr and Gweg decided to take a road trip to each of houses of the people who were on Satyr's list. Gweg and Satyr met in the living room to do some last minute planning before heading out.
They had just got everything packed and ready when there was a knock on the door.
Satyr: Should we answer it?
Gweg: Be my guest.
Satyr opened the door. It was a UPS man.
UPS Man: I got a package here for a Pollyknuckle Applebee.
Satyr: He's mocking me.
Satyr signed for the package and the UPS Man left. Satyr opened it. Inside was a doll of a red haired boy with overalls.
Satyr: This is the creepiest looking thing I have ever seen.
Gweg: It's a "My Buddy" doll.
Satyr: Great. Oh look, here's a note.
Satyr took the note out and read it out loud.
Dear Satyr,
Here is my gift to you. Inside the buddy doll, you'll find my greatest gift of all!
Your NewBuddy.
Satyr took out the doll and ripped it open. Something red and sticky fell to the floor. It was the size of a fist.
Gweg: Holy shit! That's a human heart!
Satyr: We had better find this sick fuck as fast as we can.
Satyr and Gweg took off and headed for Primus Fan 1's house.
They found his house and went up to the door. Satyr rang the doorbell. A teenage boy answered.
Primus Fan 1: Satyr! What do I owe the pleasure of this visit? And is that...oh my god...it is...GWEG!
Primus threw himself to the ground at Gweg's feet.
Primus: You are my hero Gweg! I kiss the ground you walk on!
Gweg: That's unnecessary.
Primus stood up and dusted himself off.
Primus: Sorry Gweg. I tend to get a little carried away.
Gweg: That's quite alright.
Primus: So, what's up guys?
Satyr: I seem to have a stalker. And it's an ASMBer. We're trying to find out who it is.
Primus: You think it's me?
Satyr: Well, you are the first on my list.
Primus: It's not me. I swear. I don't have the time or the effort to stalk someone. It's hard enough finding the time for homework and video games.
Satyr: Ok. We just need to cover all of our bases.
Primus: You know what I do have time for?
Satyr: No.
Primus: I have time to come with you and track this stalker down.
Gweg: This might get a little dangerous. It's probably best if you just stay home.
Primus: Please let me come with you. I won't get in the way and I'll be a big help, I swear.
Satyr: Are those Slim Jims sitting on your end table there?
Primus: Yes, they are. Want one?
Satyr: Hell yes I want one! You're a-ok in my book. You can come with us.
Primus: Woo-hoo!
Satyr, Gweg, and Primus set off to find the next person on the list. Pillz.
Their destination was a shabby apartment building.
Satyr: I bet you this is the kind of place that has bugs crawling in the bath tubs.
Satyr didn't exactly know which apartment Pillz lived in. But he was sure he found the right one when he saw a door with a huge Hal Jordan poster on it.
Satyr: This has to be it.
Primus: The guy truly is obsessed.
Satyr knocked on the door. Pillz answered.
Pillz: What are you guys doing here?
Satyr: I'll cut to the chase. Are you stalking me?
Pillz: Yes I am. But not this week, this week it's Neal Adams.
Satyr: Your sarcastic wit is too much for me.
Pillz: I know. Well, I may not be stalking you, but I really am stalking Neal Adams.
Satyr: Well, anyway, would you like to join us on our quest to find my stalker.
Pillz: I don't know, I've got to sort through my comic collection. And get the roaches out of my bathtub.
Primus: Come on Pillz, we need you. Think of it like the Justice League. Satyr is Superman, Gweg is Batman, I'm J'onn J'onzz, and you're Green Lantern.
Gweg: According to Satyr's last girlfriend, he should be the Flash.
Satyr ignored this comic, Primus laughed his ass off.
Pillz: Well, since you put it that way, I guess I'll come along. But this better not suck like "The Batman" or anything.
Satyr: Well on to the next name on the list. SockatOr.
She lived in a nice house. It has flowers along the driveway. Satyr knocked on the door.
SockatOr appeared at the door wearing her pajamas.
SockatOr: *Gasp* Satyr! If I had known you were stopping by, I would have worn something more appropriate.
Satyr: Don't sweat it babe. You look just fine.
SockatOr: Who are all of these people with you?
Satyr: Well, we got Pillz and Primus here. You know them from the Boards. And this waste of flesh standing over here is Gweg.
SockatOr: Nice. What are you all doing here?
Satyr: Seems like I have a stalker problem. Know anything about it?
SockatOr: Well, I won't deny my everlasting love and desire for you Satyr, I know nothing of any stalking.
Gweg: Wait a sec. You're in love with Satyr?
SockatOr: Of course I am. I can't help being attracted to his raw animal sexuality.
Pillz: I always knew you had a thing for goats.
SockatOr: You are just jealous.
Pillz: Not really, considering what happened to your last boyfriend.
SockatOr: Don't you dare bring that up.
Primus: What happened?
Pillz: Let's just say he prefers the log and not the beaver.
Satyr: All right. Well, thanks SockatOr. We need to be on our way.
SockatOr: May I come? I'll, uh, make it worth your time. If you know what I mean.
Satyr: There's always room for one more.
Primus: Where to next Commander?
Satyr: Captain Sam's house.
When the Crew reached Captain Sam's house, they were in for a surprise. Not only was Sam there, but Shaft76 was there as well.
Shaft76: Wow! Look at all of these people. Reminds me of a tube of grey headlights soaking in a tub of ultra thin pillow crackers.
Capt. Sam: More like a spanking a road full of sugar coated hamstrings.
Satyr: That's great fellas. We are here trying to track down a stalker. Either of you happen to be him?
Shaft76: That's as ridiculous as a robotic flea reading T. S. Eliot while trying to balance a football made of sunshine on his spleen.
Capt. Sam: It's like a Blowtorch trying to make love to a cuticle.
Gweg: Why are the both of you speaking in obscure metaphors?
Shaft76 & Capt. Sam: Because the omniscient one is too lazy to try to come up with real dialogue for us! Yaaaah Yaaaah! Nyaaaah!
SockatOr: Let's get the hell out of here.
Pillz: Yes, let's.
Satyr and his gang left.
Pillz: I'm starving. Let's stop by some store so I can pick up some snacks.
Satyr: Agreed. We could all use a break.
Primus: I'm thirsty as well.
Pillz: Really? I thought you'd be emo.
Primus: You know something, I really hate you sometimes.
Pillz: I was just joking. I'll buy you some pop.
They found a little grocery store. Pillz went in to grab some snacks and sodas. Satyr and SockatOr went into an alley to take care of some "business". Gweg and Primus sat down at a bench.
Gweg: I want to ask you a question if you don't mind.
Primus: Fire away.
Gweg: Why am I your hero?
Primus. Well, I read what Satyr writes about you. You don't take any shit. You are smart and you tell people exactly what you think. I admire that.
Gweg: That's very flattering. But I think you could do better than me for somebody to emulate.
Primus: Somebody like Satyr?
Gweg: Fuck no!
Primus: Who then?
Gweg: I don't know. But just not me. Truth be told, I'm as bad as Satyr. I let him get away with a lot of shit. I mean, that poor mime. I can't believe Satyr talked me in to doing that.
Primus: What mime?
Gweg: He hasn't wrote about that?
Primus: No.
Gweg: Then forget about it.
At that time, Satyr and SockatOr came out of the alley.
SockatOr: That was just a preview. The Main Feature is for later.
Satyr: I can't wait.
Pillz emerged from the store with some pop and a bag of Cracker Jack.
Pillz: We ready? Let's get this over with.
Satyr: All right the next person on the list is...
Satyr was interrupted by the screech of tires. A van pulled up beside them and two men in ski masks jumped out the side. One of them grabbed Primus and the other grabbed SockatOr.
After they jumped back into the van, the driver threw out a piece of paper and sped away.
Satyr: Son of a bitch!
Gweg picked up the piece of paper.
Gweg: It's another note.
Satyr read it.
Dear Satyr Shit Head,
My my. That's quite the group you have collected there. I think I'll "borrow" a couple of them. Ha ha! If you ever want to see them again, meet me at the abandoned warehouse on the east side of town. Bring only yourself, Gweg, and Pillz. I want them to come as well. It will be a nice party.
See you soon.
Your NewBuddy.
Satyr: We need to get to the abandoned warehouse.
Pillz: An abandoned warehouse. What a cliche.
The trio arrived at the building. When they got inside, they saw Primus and Sockator. They were both tied to posts. Standing in between them was a masked person holding a sword.
Masked Person: Welcome my friends! I am so glad you could make it!
Satyr: Why don't you show us who you are?
Masked Person: So be it!
The person took off the mask. Satyr was shocked to see who it was.
Satyr: Purple Slug!
Purple Slug: That's right it is I. Now we shall play our favorite game. "Choose or Die!" This is how we play. You get to choose which on of these fine tied up people get to be killed in front of you. Your girlfriend SockatOr or your number one fan Primus. If you don't choose, both die and so do you!
Satyr was angry. Gweg was busy trying to think of a plan. Pillz seemed entertained by the whole thing, as all he did was munch on the Cracker Jack.
Satyr: Why this sick twisted game? Is it because of you love me and know you can never have me?
Purple Slug laughed.
Purple Slug: Love you? In your dreams. The only reason I am doing this is because I am an evil vixen from Neptune!
Satyr: Ok. I have made my choice.
Satyr pulled out a gun and shot Primus right between his eyes.
Gweg: What the fuck! You had a gun this whole time? Why didn't you shoot Purple Slug?
Satyr: You heard her. One of them had to die. And SockatOr promised me I'd be getting laid tonight.
Purple Slug: You idiot! I was supposed to kill whoever you chose! I was supposed to make you suffer! Now I have no choice but to kill SockatOr!
Satyr: Wait a sec. Before you do that, why don't you show us who you really are!
Purple Slug: I underestimated you.
Purple Slug grabbed her face and started pulling it off. It was another mask.
Satyr: Ha! I knew it was you, Invader Zim!
Invader Zim: Yes. It is me. This is my revenge for every time you made me ruin my computer equipment whenever you mentioned Jena Malone!
Satyr: Jena Malone!
Invader Zim stood still and then started shaking. He let out a moan and once again stood still.
Zim: These were my favorite pants! Now your woman dies!
Zim started toward SockatOr with the sword raised.
Gweg: Shoot him!
Satyr: I only had one bullet.
Gweg suddenly remembered something.
Gweg: You idiot! Use the Duce X Machine!
Satyr had completely forgot he had it. He pulled it out of his pocket and pressed the button. The lights went of. A huge picture of Jena Malone appeared in the air.
Zim was just about to stab SockatOr through the heart when he saw the picture. He dropped the sword and and pulled down his pants and went to town on himself.
Satyr: That will only stop him for so long. We need something else!
Pillz: Hey! All right! The Toy Surprise!
Pillz opened up the the little package.
Pillz: It's a Green Lantern Ring!
Pillz put it on and felt the Ring's power flow through him.
Pillz: In brightest day, in blackest night No evil shall escape my sight Let those who worship evil's might Beware my power, Green Lantern's light!
A green light erupted from the ring to form a giant chainsaw. Pillz raised it up in the air and brought it down on Invader Zim, cutting him in half.
Satyr freed SockatOr from her shackles.
Gweg: Well. I'm glad that's over. We should probably take Primus' body back to his family.
Satyr: I'll take care of that.
Satyr pressed the button on the Duce X Machine. Primus' body erupted in flames and was burnt to a crisp.
Satyr: I didn't see that coming.
Gweg: Damn it. You know, I actually liked that kid. He did nothing to deserve this. Satyr, give me the Duce X Machine.
Satyr: Why?
Gweg: Because you are not responsible enough to have it.
Satyr: You can have it when you pry it from my cold dead hands.
Gweg: Pillz if you would please.
Pillz pointed the Ring at Satyr.
Satyr: Fine. Here take it.
Pillz: Well, I'm out of here. Time to go do some good with the Ring. So long.
Satyr watched him leave with some anger in his eyes.
Satyr: Jordan sucks. We all know Alan Scott was the best Lantern anyway.
Gweg was already up fixing breakfast. Satyr took his morning piss and sat down at the computer. After logging on, he checked his e-mails.
Satyr received a perplexing e-mail from somebody named "NewBuddy". This is what he wrote:
Dear Pollyknuckle,
I am your new buddy. I have been watching you for the past couple of weeks. Yes, I know all about you. Just the other day, you were in your room making some sort of little metallic box. I am interested to find out what it is!
I'll be sending some gifts your way, I do hope you get them.
See you soon
Your NewBuddy.
Satyr read through the e-mail several times. He was convinced it was a joke by Gweg.
Satyr: Gweg get in here!
Gweg: What is it? I've got the bacon on the stove.
Satyr: You think you are funny don't you? This little e-mail. Well, I'm not falling for it.
Gweg: What e-mail?
Satyr: This one.
Satyr pointed to the monitor. Gweg read the e-mail.
Gweg: Well, I swear to you I did not write it. But whoever did knows your real name. Pollyknuckle.
Gweg couldn't help but snicker when he said the name. Satyr growled under his breath and read the e-mail again. Gweg went back into the kitchen to tend to the bacon.
Satyr sent a reply to NewBuddy asking who he was. Satyr went to his usual sites while waiting for a response. Half an hour later, Satyr still had no new e-mails.
Gweg was finished with his breakfast and went into the computer room with Satyr.
Gweg: So, what's this small box all about?
Satyr: I knew it! NewBuddy is interested in the box and so are you! You've got to get up pretty early in the morning to fool me!
Gweg: I was up three hours before you were! And, I didn't fucking send it! I am only curious about the box because it can only mean one thing, trouble.
Satyr: That's were you are wrong. The box will be the answer to all of our problems.
Gweg: Unless the box can make you disappear and have Natalie Portman take your place, then I think your box is full of shit.
Satyr: You'll see. Come and watch.
Satyr and Gweg went to Satyr's room. Satyr picked up a small metallic box sitting on his dresser. The box was the size of a disposable camera and had one button on top of it and a lot of little red, green, and blue lights on it's sides.
Satyr: If you ever find yourself in a situation that requires a little something extra to get out of, something out of the blue for instance, a push of the button on this box, and voila, you have what you need! I call it the Duce X Machine!
Gweg: Why don't you give that button a press so I can find the words to tell you how incredibly fucking stupid you really are.
Satyr: Once again, I have produced greatness, but alas, the only audience I have for it is somebody with the emotional equivalence of a black hole!
Gweg: Ok Satyr. To prove your little toy works, let's take it to the computer and see if it will unravel the mystery of your stalker.
Satyr: Good idea Gweg. I could use a little more input like that from you more often.
Gweg: (under his breath) The next input you'll get from me, is when I input my foot up your ass.
Satyr: You say something?
Gweg: Nope.
Satyr sat the Duce X Machine on the computer desk. He brought up the e-mail and then pressed the Machine's button.
The Machine's lights started to flash and the computer monitor went blank. A few seconds later, a new web page was brought up.
Satyr: I'll be damned. It's the Adult Swim Message Board. I should have known that the stalker would be from there.
Gweg: Why do you say that?
Satyr: There are two kinds of people on the ASMB. Those who love me and those who hate me. Unfortunately, the latter outnumbers the former.
Gweg: Imagine that.
Satyr: But my stalker could be either type. This is going to take some serious investigating on our part.
Gweg: Why do you insist on including me. They are stalking you, I have no part in this at all.
Satyr: What if they sneak in here late at night to kill me? You think they are just going to let you live? Nope, they will kill you to.
Gweg: I hate to say it, but you do have a point. All right. Let's find out who it is.
Satyr compiled a list of ASMBers he thought would fit the profile of someone who would want to stalk him.
Satyr: All right. I made the list of potential stalkers. I put the most likely on the top of the list.
Gweg took the list from Satyr and read it.
Gweg: So, who's this Primus Fan 1?
Satyr: Uh yeah, there is something I should probably tell you before we begin.
Gweg: What is it?
Satyr: Well, you know they have these "live journals" on the internet. Well, I have my own and I mention you a few times.
Gweg: And?
Satyr: Well, Primus, he reads what I post there and he gets a kick out of our adventures. And He idolizes you.
Gweg: Well, I'm either flattered or appalled. I guess I'll find out which one it is later.
Satyr: He's a good kid. You'll like him.
Gweg: Yeah, if he doesn't have a shrine of me in his living room surrounded by the trash I throw out.
Satyr shrugged his shoulders.
Satyr and Gweg decided to take a road trip to each of houses of the people who were on Satyr's list. Gweg and Satyr met in the living room to do some last minute planning before heading out.
They had just got everything packed and ready when there was a knock on the door.
Satyr: Should we answer it?
Gweg: Be my guest.
Satyr opened the door. It was a UPS man.
UPS Man: I got a package here for a Pollyknuckle Applebee.
Satyr: He's mocking me.
Satyr signed for the package and the UPS Man left. Satyr opened it. Inside was a doll of a red haired boy with overalls.
Satyr: This is the creepiest looking thing I have ever seen.
Gweg: It's a "My Buddy" doll.
Satyr: Great. Oh look, here's a note.
Satyr took the note out and read it out loud.
Dear Satyr,
Here is my gift to you. Inside the buddy doll, you'll find my greatest gift of all!
Your NewBuddy.
Satyr took out the doll and ripped it open. Something red and sticky fell to the floor. It was the size of a fist.
Gweg: Holy shit! That's a human heart!
Satyr: We had better find this sick fuck as fast as we can.
Satyr and Gweg took off and headed for Primus Fan 1's house.
They found his house and went up to the door. Satyr rang the doorbell. A teenage boy answered.
Primus Fan 1: Satyr! What do I owe the pleasure of this visit? And is that...oh my god...it is...GWEG!
Primus threw himself to the ground at Gweg's feet.
Primus: You are my hero Gweg! I kiss the ground you walk on!
Gweg: That's unnecessary.
Primus stood up and dusted himself off.
Primus: Sorry Gweg. I tend to get a little carried away.
Gweg: That's quite alright.
Primus: So, what's up guys?
Satyr: I seem to have a stalker. And it's an ASMBer. We're trying to find out who it is.
Primus: You think it's me?
Satyr: Well, you are the first on my list.
Primus: It's not me. I swear. I don't have the time or the effort to stalk someone. It's hard enough finding the time for homework and video games.
Satyr: Ok. We just need to cover all of our bases.
Primus: You know what I do have time for?
Satyr: No.
Primus: I have time to come with you and track this stalker down.
Gweg: This might get a little dangerous. It's probably best if you just stay home.
Primus: Please let me come with you. I won't get in the way and I'll be a big help, I swear.
Satyr: Are those Slim Jims sitting on your end table there?
Primus: Yes, they are. Want one?
Satyr: Hell yes I want one! You're a-ok in my book. You can come with us.
Primus: Woo-hoo!
Satyr, Gweg, and Primus set off to find the next person on the list. Pillz.
Their destination was a shabby apartment building.
Satyr: I bet you this is the kind of place that has bugs crawling in the bath tubs.
Satyr didn't exactly know which apartment Pillz lived in. But he was sure he found the right one when he saw a door with a huge Hal Jordan poster on it.
Satyr: This has to be it.
Primus: The guy truly is obsessed.
Satyr knocked on the door. Pillz answered.
Pillz: What are you guys doing here?
Satyr: I'll cut to the chase. Are you stalking me?
Pillz: Yes I am. But not this week, this week it's Neal Adams.
Satyr: Your sarcastic wit is too much for me.
Pillz: I know. Well, I may not be stalking you, but I really am stalking Neal Adams.
Satyr: Well, anyway, would you like to join us on our quest to find my stalker.
Pillz: I don't know, I've got to sort through my comic collection. And get the roaches out of my bathtub.
Primus: Come on Pillz, we need you. Think of it like the Justice League. Satyr is Superman, Gweg is Batman, I'm J'onn J'onzz, and you're Green Lantern.
Gweg: According to Satyr's last girlfriend, he should be the Flash.
Satyr ignored this comic, Primus laughed his ass off.
Pillz: Well, since you put it that way, I guess I'll come along. But this better not suck like "The Batman" or anything.
Satyr: Well on to the next name on the list. SockatOr.
She lived in a nice house. It has flowers along the driveway. Satyr knocked on the door.
SockatOr appeared at the door wearing her pajamas.
SockatOr: *Gasp* Satyr! If I had known you were stopping by, I would have worn something more appropriate.
Satyr: Don't sweat it babe. You look just fine.
SockatOr: Who are all of these people with you?
Satyr: Well, we got Pillz and Primus here. You know them from the Boards. And this waste of flesh standing over here is Gweg.
SockatOr: Nice. What are you all doing here?
Satyr: Seems like I have a stalker problem. Know anything about it?
SockatOr: Well, I won't deny my everlasting love and desire for you Satyr, I know nothing of any stalking.
Gweg: Wait a sec. You're in love with Satyr?
SockatOr: Of course I am. I can't help being attracted to his raw animal sexuality.
Pillz: I always knew you had a thing for goats.
SockatOr: You are just jealous.
Pillz: Not really, considering what happened to your last boyfriend.
SockatOr: Don't you dare bring that up.
Primus: What happened?
Pillz: Let's just say he prefers the log and not the beaver.
Satyr: All right. Well, thanks SockatOr. We need to be on our way.
SockatOr: May I come? I'll, uh, make it worth your time. If you know what I mean.
Satyr: There's always room for one more.
Primus: Where to next Commander?
Satyr: Captain Sam's house.
When the Crew reached Captain Sam's house, they were in for a surprise. Not only was Sam there, but Shaft76 was there as well.
Shaft76: Wow! Look at all of these people. Reminds me of a tube of grey headlights soaking in a tub of ultra thin pillow crackers.
Capt. Sam: More like a spanking a road full of sugar coated hamstrings.
Satyr: That's great fellas. We are here trying to track down a stalker. Either of you happen to be him?
Shaft76: That's as ridiculous as a robotic flea reading T. S. Eliot while trying to balance a football made of sunshine on his spleen.
Capt. Sam: It's like a Blowtorch trying to make love to a cuticle.
Gweg: Why are the both of you speaking in obscure metaphors?
Shaft76 & Capt. Sam: Because the omniscient one is too lazy to try to come up with real dialogue for us! Yaaaah Yaaaah! Nyaaaah!
SockatOr: Let's get the hell out of here.
Pillz: Yes, let's.
Satyr and his gang left.
Pillz: I'm starving. Let's stop by some store so I can pick up some snacks.
Satyr: Agreed. We could all use a break.
Primus: I'm thirsty as well.
Pillz: Really? I thought you'd be emo.
Primus: You know something, I really hate you sometimes.
Pillz: I was just joking. I'll buy you some pop.
They found a little grocery store. Pillz went in to grab some snacks and sodas. Satyr and SockatOr went into an alley to take care of some "business". Gweg and Primus sat down at a bench.
Gweg: I want to ask you a question if you don't mind.
Primus: Fire away.
Gweg: Why am I your hero?
Primus. Well, I read what Satyr writes about you. You don't take any shit. You are smart and you tell people exactly what you think. I admire that.
Gweg: That's very flattering. But I think you could do better than me for somebody to emulate.
Primus: Somebody like Satyr?
Gweg: Fuck no!
Primus: Who then?
Gweg: I don't know. But just not me. Truth be told, I'm as bad as Satyr. I let him get away with a lot of shit. I mean, that poor mime. I can't believe Satyr talked me in to doing that.
Primus: What mime?
Gweg: He hasn't wrote about that?
Primus: No.
Gweg: Then forget about it.
At that time, Satyr and SockatOr came out of the alley.
SockatOr: That was just a preview. The Main Feature is for later.
Satyr: I can't wait.
Pillz emerged from the store with some pop and a bag of Cracker Jack.
Pillz: We ready? Let's get this over with.
Satyr: All right the next person on the list is...
Satyr was interrupted by the screech of tires. A van pulled up beside them and two men in ski masks jumped out the side. One of them grabbed Primus and the other grabbed SockatOr.
After they jumped back into the van, the driver threw out a piece of paper and sped away.
Satyr: Son of a bitch!
Gweg picked up the piece of paper.
Gweg: It's another note.
Satyr read it.
Dear Satyr Shit Head,
My my. That's quite the group you have collected there. I think I'll "borrow" a couple of them. Ha ha! If you ever want to see them again, meet me at the abandoned warehouse on the east side of town. Bring only yourself, Gweg, and Pillz. I want them to come as well. It will be a nice party.
See you soon.
Your NewBuddy.
Satyr: We need to get to the abandoned warehouse.
Pillz: An abandoned warehouse. What a cliche.
The trio arrived at the building. When they got inside, they saw Primus and Sockator. They were both tied to posts. Standing in between them was a masked person holding a sword.
Masked Person: Welcome my friends! I am so glad you could make it!
Satyr: Why don't you show us who you are?
Masked Person: So be it!
The person took off the mask. Satyr was shocked to see who it was.
Satyr: Purple Slug!
Purple Slug: That's right it is I. Now we shall play our favorite game. "Choose or Die!" This is how we play. You get to choose which on of these fine tied up people get to be killed in front of you. Your girlfriend SockatOr or your number one fan Primus. If you don't choose, both die and so do you!
Satyr was angry. Gweg was busy trying to think of a plan. Pillz seemed entertained by the whole thing, as all he did was munch on the Cracker Jack.
Satyr: Why this sick twisted game? Is it because of you love me and know you can never have me?
Purple Slug laughed.
Purple Slug: Love you? In your dreams. The only reason I am doing this is because I am an evil vixen from Neptune!
Satyr: Ok. I have made my choice.
Satyr pulled out a gun and shot Primus right between his eyes.
Gweg: What the fuck! You had a gun this whole time? Why didn't you shoot Purple Slug?
Satyr: You heard her. One of them had to die. And SockatOr promised me I'd be getting laid tonight.
Purple Slug: You idiot! I was supposed to kill whoever you chose! I was supposed to make you suffer! Now I have no choice but to kill SockatOr!
Satyr: Wait a sec. Before you do that, why don't you show us who you really are!
Purple Slug: I underestimated you.
Purple Slug grabbed her face and started pulling it off. It was another mask.
Satyr: Ha! I knew it was you, Invader Zim!
Invader Zim: Yes. It is me. This is my revenge for every time you made me ruin my computer equipment whenever you mentioned Jena Malone!
Satyr: Jena Malone!
Invader Zim stood still and then started shaking. He let out a moan and once again stood still.
Zim: These were my favorite pants! Now your woman dies!
Zim started toward SockatOr with the sword raised.
Gweg: Shoot him!
Satyr: I only had one bullet.
Gweg suddenly remembered something.
Gweg: You idiot! Use the Duce X Machine!
Satyr had completely forgot he had it. He pulled it out of his pocket and pressed the button. The lights went of. A huge picture of Jena Malone appeared in the air.
Zim was just about to stab SockatOr through the heart when he saw the picture. He dropped the sword and and pulled down his pants and went to town on himself.
Satyr: That will only stop him for so long. We need something else!
Pillz: Hey! All right! The Toy Surprise!
Pillz opened up the the little package.
Pillz: It's a Green Lantern Ring!
Pillz put it on and felt the Ring's power flow through him.
Pillz: In brightest day, in blackest night No evil shall escape my sight Let those who worship evil's might Beware my power, Green Lantern's light!
A green light erupted from the ring to form a giant chainsaw. Pillz raised it up in the air and brought it down on Invader Zim, cutting him in half.
Satyr freed SockatOr from her shackles.
Gweg: Well. I'm glad that's over. We should probably take Primus' body back to his family.
Satyr: I'll take care of that.
Satyr pressed the button on the Duce X Machine. Primus' body erupted in flames and was burnt to a crisp.
Satyr: I didn't see that coming.
Gweg: Damn it. You know, I actually liked that kid. He did nothing to deserve this. Satyr, give me the Duce X Machine.
Satyr: Why?
Gweg: Because you are not responsible enough to have it.
Satyr: You can have it when you pry it from my cold dead hands.
Gweg: Pillz if you would please.
Pillz pointed the Ring at Satyr.
Satyr: Fine. Here take it.
Pillz: Well, I'm out of here. Time to go do some good with the Ring. So long.
Satyr watched him leave with some anger in his eyes.
Satyr: Jordan sucks. We all know Alan Scott was the best Lantern anyway.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Monday, October 03, 2005
The Bro and Halo
cybercentaur: good ur on
virtual_satyr: whats up?
cybercentaur: we got a problem
virtual_satyr: ?????
cybercentaur: I just saw satta-sattar-sattar
virtual_satyr: OMFG!!!!
cybercentaur: what ru going to do?
virtual_satyr: idk get over here we'll figure something out
cybercentaur: ok
***cybercentaur has signed out***
Virtual Satyr got up from the computer desk. He was now very worried. There was no reason for Satta-Sattar-Sattar to be in town, but he never knew his friend, Cyber Centaur, to be wrong.
Satyr went to Gweg's room.
Satyr: Gweg, we have a situation on our hands.
Gweg: Oh, don't tell me. Ah, I know, the quadriplegic mime is after us again!
Satyr: No, this is worse. Satta-Sattar-Sattar is in town.
Gweg: Who?
Satyr: He's a satyr. The Name-Givers named him Satta-Sattar-Sattar, which means "The Satyr Who Walks Like A Man."
Gweg: Nice. So, what name did the Name-Givers give you?
Satyr: That's not important.
Gweg: Fine. So, why did they name him "Satyr Who Walks Like A Man"? You walk like a man, somewhat.
Satyr: I know, but Sattar has this cocky strut. And it would piss me off. He walked around as though he owned all of Mt. Olympus.
Gweg: Sounds like someone was jealous.
Satyr: You be quiet. Listen, my friend is coming over. We are going to track Sattar down. Now, my friend is a little sensitive about his looks, so don't be cruel.
Gweg: Sorry, you must have me confused with yourself.
Satyr: I'm Mr. Sensitivity!
Gweg: What about the time that man's head was on fire and you wouldn't put it out with your water?
Satyr: That bottle of water cost me 5 bucks!
20 minutes later, there was a knock at the door.
Satyr: That's probably Cyber, remember, don't make fun of him.
Gweg: Sure thing Goat-Boy!
Satyr shot Gweg a look and then opened the door. What stood there was not your usual centaur. He was only 5 feet tall and very scrawny. His human half was very skinny and un-muscular. He had mangy black hair, taped glasses, and braces. The other half of his body was not that of a horse, but something else entirely.
Upon seeing him, Gweg let out a laugh.
Gweg: I'm sorry, but you are the funniest looking centaur I have ever seen. I mean, what kind of centaur are you anyway? I thought you were all horses.
Cyber Centaur: Typical human thinking. There are many different types of centaurs. It's just that those horse ones are the most popular. Popular in school, popular with the girls, popular with the humans. They are just a bunch of dumb jocks. It's us others that have the brains.
Satyr: You hurt his feelings Gweg, you need to apologize.
Gweg: I'm sorry. I really am, but what breed of centaur are you.
Cyber: A llama, ok. Satisfied now? Do you think I enjoy being part llama? All it's good for is a good spitting range.
Gweg: Ok. I'm sorry.
Satyr: Good. Now, let's get down to business. Cyber, where did you see Sattar?
Cyber: I saw him down at the Mall while I was playing at the arcade.
Satyr: Ok. We'll head down there and see if we can spot him.
Cyber: What then?
Satyr: We'll follow him and see what he is up to. Let's move out.
Gweg: Have fun.
Satyr: You are coming with us.
Gweg: Why?
Satyr: You owe it to cyber after what you did to him, so come on.
Gweg, Satyr, and Cyber all went down to the Mall. After searching for a bit, they spotted Sattar flirting with a couple of women in the food court.
Satyr: There he is. Look at him, he is so smug. I just want to smack him.
Gweg: ***COUjealousGH***
Satyr: I am not jealous. I just hate jerks like him.
Cyber: Me too.
Gweg: So, what exactly are we going to do? Just follow him all day?
Satyr: He is here for a reason. We are going to find out what and put a stop to it.
Cyber: Uh guys, heads up. He's heading this way.
Satyr: Oh shit.
All three of them got up to move away, but amid the confusion, they collided with each other and fell to the ground.
Satta-Sattar-Sattar saw all of this and went up to them.
Sattar: Well, it looks like I came to the right place. I knew I would find you here.
Satyr: What do you want?
Sattar: I came to talk to you, my brother.
Gweg: You two are brothers?
Satyr: Yes, it's not something I'm proud of.
Sattar: Something you are not proud of? You brought disgrace to our family with your antics! It is who should not be proud!
Satyr: Oh you are right Sattar! I should be proud to have the great "Pompous Ass Who Walks Like A Man" as a brother. I disgraced the family? It's a wonder the family even remembered I was a part of it! I lived in your shadow all of my life and I needed to do whatever I could to get out from under it!
Sattar: But the frogs! Why did you have to do that horrible thing with the frogs?
Satyr: I didn't know the spell would be that powerful. But if it wasn't for you, it never would have happened!
Sattar: Listen, I didn't come here to argue. I came here to make amends. With you, my brother, Pollyknuckle Applebee.
There was a brief silence followed by roars of laughter. They came from Gweg and Cyber who were huddled together, tears streaming down their face with fits of laughter. Gweg caught his breath and looked at Satyr.
Gweg: Your name is Pollyknuckle Applebee? That's the funniest goddamn thing I have ever heard.
Satyr: Ha ha fucking hardy har har. And why in the hell are you laughing Cyber? After I stood up for you back at the apartment.
Cyber calmed himself down.
Cyber: You are right. I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you. Polly want a cracker?
Cyber and Gweg roared with laughter again.
Satyr glared at them and then turned to his bother.
Satyr: You see? This is what I always had to put up with when I was with you. Constant ridicule.
Sattar: I'm sorry brother. I promise to make it up to you.
Gweg and Cyber got over their laughing fit and apologized to Satyr.
Satyr: Apology accepted. Now, Sattar here wants to make amends, and I know the perfect way to do it. And you guys can help.
Gweg: How?
Satyr: It's time to go back home and break out the XBOX.
The four of them got back to the apartment. Satyr got out the XBOX and hooked up online.
Satyr: All right guys, we'll be playing the ever popular Halo 2. I'll make you all apart of my clan and we'll do some clan battles.
Gweg: Why is this game so popular? I mean, it's just a standard FPS. All it has got going for it is the online play and the vehicles.
Satyr: Just because you can't grasp the concept of something much greater than you, doesn't mean you have to try to bring it down.
Sattar: This going to be great! Going into battle with my brother!
Satyr: Nothing brings a family closer together than video games.
Sattar: Amen.
Cyber: Ok guys. Here's the keys to winning a team battle. Good Teamwork, Sound Strategy, and Superb Trash-Talking.
Satyr: Right. I wonder what clan is going to be up to the challenge of taking on us.
Gweg: Well, no challengers yet. I guess they are all cowering in fear.
Satyr: Probably.
Sattar: Ah, spoke to soon. There is a clan now.
Cyber: What clan is it?
Satyr: The Cuckoo Clucks Clan.
Gweg: Oh for Pete's sake.
Satyr: Let's get 'em boys.
The game began. It was a King of the Hill scenario, and Satyr's clan was winning.
CCC Member # 5: *Brawk* You'll never beat us!!!
Cyber: Ha, You guys are a bunch of noobs!
Sattar: Yeah, come at me in the Warthog while I have the Bazooka! HAHA Triple Kill!
Satyr: So long, Chicken McFucknuggets! This Hill is ours!
The game was over. Satyr and his Clan won. During the post game statistics, Satyr. Cyber, and Sattar kept bad-mouthing the Cuckoo Clucks Clan.
CCC Member # 10: *Brawk* There are 20 of us in the Grand CCC Army. We will get you!!!
Satyr: The CCC Army? Who's in charge? Col. Sanders?
Sattar: You the man Virtual Satyr!
Satyr smiled to himself. He had never been this happy before in his life. His brother was treating him as an equal and he was having a good old time with him and his two friends.
Cyber: I need to go rinse out my retainer.
Satyr: All right. This is a good time for a break.
Sattar: Hey brother, can I talk to you for a second?
Satyr: Sure.
Sattar: I know I never said this back home, but I need to say it now. I love you man.
Satyr: I love you to brother.
The hugged one another. But their brotherly embrace was interrupted by the sound of breaking glass.
Satyr: What the hell was that?
Gweg: The window! Someone threw a rock through it!
They all ran to the window and looked out.
Satyr: Holy fucking shit!
Outside stood 20 5-foot tall chickens dressed in white robes and wearing white pointed hoods. But there was one exception, on of the chickens had a red robe and hood. That one was the leader.
CCC Leader: *Brawk*I am the Grand Wizard of the Cuckoo Clucks Clan. Lucky for you, all of the Cuckoo Birds have been killed off, so it is just us chickens left. You have insulted our honor and now you will pay.
Cyber: Damn. I haven't seen this many white robes since that Casper Meets Strom Thurmond Convention in 2003.
Sattar: Shit! They have a sniper, everyone back away from the window!
Satyr, Gweg, and Cyber all got away from the window, but a shot rang out and Sattar let out a yell and tumbled to the floor.
Satyr: Noooooooooo!!!!!
Satyr jumped to the floor next to his brother.
Sattar: I'm glad I got to see you one last time bro.
Satyr: Shh. Just hang on, it'll be all right.
Sattar: I always respected you bro. I love you.
Sattar's body went limp.
Satyr held his brother's body in his arms. After a few moments which seemed like a lifetime to Satyr, he stood up, full of rage.
Satyr: It's payback time.
Satyr led Gweg and Cyber to a closet. Satyr opened it up to reveal a bevy of weapons which looked like the weapons from Halo 2.
Gweg: Where and the hell did those come from.
Satyr: I bought them last month from an illegal arms dealer. Here Gweg, you take the sniper and head out on the roof. Cyber, take the Rocket Launcher and shoot it from the window down into the street. Then take this Needler and meet me at the door. We'll go out there together and kick their asses.
Cyber: What weapon will you use.
Satyr: Me? I got the sword.
Gweg: Why can't I have a normal life?
Satyr: Normal lives are for boring people. All right guys. This is just like the Clan Match we played earlier. Only it's 20 on 3 and this time, it's for real.
Cyber: Let's do this!
Gweg headed for the roof. And Cyber took the Launcher to the window. He shot a rocket out into the street, taking out about ten of the chickens. Gweg had taken out 3 of them when he reached the roof.
Cyber went down to the front door.
Satyr: Ready? On 3. 1...2...3!
They charged out the door, one of the chickens ran right at Satyr. Satyr cut it's head off with the sword, but the decapitated chicken kept running and collided with Satyr, knocking him to the ground.
Satyr picked himself up and the body was still running around. Satyr kicked it and it fell and stopped moving.
Satyr: Damn these chickens! Aim for the heart Cyber!
Cyber: Right!
Satyr, Cyber, and Gweg took them down. There was on chicken left, the Grand Wizard.
The Grand Wizard: *Brawk* You may kill me but rest assured, the Cuckoo Clucks Clan will live forever! My only regret is that I have failed the boss!
Satyr: Shut it chicken, you're about to get fried.
Satyr took his sword and cut the Grand Wizard Chicken in half.
Satyr: I have avenged my brother. Let the corpses of the chickens be a sign that you don't fuck with a satyr!
Cyber: Well, I'm pooped. Let's go back upstairs and get a drink.
Satyr: Sure.
Satyr, Cyber, and Gweg sat down in the kitchen.
Satyr: Here's to Sattar! The best brother a guy could have.
Cyber and Gweg: To Sattar!
Gweg: Speaking of which, where's his body?
Sattar: Right here!
They all stood up and turned around. Sattar was standing in the doorway holding a gun.
Satyr: Brother, what's going on?
Sattar: Don't "Brother" me you stupid piece of shit. This was all of my doing. I came here to make a fake reconciliation, then I hired the CCC to attack us. I faked my own death to make you feel guilty. God, how I wanted you to die with a guilty conscience.
Satyr: But why?
Sattar: because you ruined my life. After you got kicked out of our world, I was no longer known as "The Satyr Who Walks Like A Man" I was "The Trouble Maker's Brother". Even though you were gone, everywhere I went it felt as though you were looming over me.
Satyr: Now you know how I felt all of those years!
Sattar: No! It's nothing like that. I was somebody. I had a reputation. You were a loser. You took everything from me, and now, I will kill you!
Sattar pulled back the hammer of the gun. He was too focused on Satyr, that he didn't notice Cyber throwing his head back and jerking it forward, spitting out a loogie the size of a golf ball.
The loogie hit Sattar right in the eyes causing him to drop his gun and grab at his face.
Sattar: Ah! My eyes!
Satyr leapt forward. Fortunately for him, he still had the energy sword with him. Satyr sliced at his brother cutting from the right should to his midsection, killing him.
The three of them stood around for a while looking at the bloody corpse on the floor. Finally, Satyr spoke.
Satyr: Well, that's enough Halo for tonight. Who wants to play Burnout: Revenge?
The End
virtual_satyr: whats up?
cybercentaur: we got a problem
virtual_satyr: ?????
cybercentaur: I just saw satta-sattar-sattar
virtual_satyr: OMFG!!!!
cybercentaur: what ru going to do?
virtual_satyr: idk get over here we'll figure something out
cybercentaur: ok
***cybercentaur has signed out***
Virtual Satyr got up from the computer desk. He was now very worried. There was no reason for Satta-Sattar-Sattar to be in town, but he never knew his friend, Cyber Centaur, to be wrong.
Satyr went to Gweg's room.
Satyr: Gweg, we have a situation on our hands.
Gweg: Oh, don't tell me. Ah, I know, the quadriplegic mime is after us again!
Satyr: No, this is worse. Satta-Sattar-Sattar is in town.
Gweg: Who?
Satyr: He's a satyr. The Name-Givers named him Satta-Sattar-Sattar, which means "The Satyr Who Walks Like A Man."
Gweg: Nice. So, what name did the Name-Givers give you?
Satyr: That's not important.
Gweg: Fine. So, why did they name him "Satyr Who Walks Like A Man"? You walk like a man, somewhat.
Satyr: I know, but Sattar has this cocky strut. And it would piss me off. He walked around as though he owned all of Mt. Olympus.
Gweg: Sounds like someone was jealous.
Satyr: You be quiet. Listen, my friend is coming over. We are going to track Sattar down. Now, my friend is a little sensitive about his looks, so don't be cruel.
Gweg: Sorry, you must have me confused with yourself.
Satyr: I'm Mr. Sensitivity!
Gweg: What about the time that man's head was on fire and you wouldn't put it out with your water?
Satyr: That bottle of water cost me 5 bucks!
20 minutes later, there was a knock at the door.
Satyr: That's probably Cyber, remember, don't make fun of him.
Gweg: Sure thing Goat-Boy!
Satyr shot Gweg a look and then opened the door. What stood there was not your usual centaur. He was only 5 feet tall and very scrawny. His human half was very skinny and un-muscular. He had mangy black hair, taped glasses, and braces. The other half of his body was not that of a horse, but something else entirely.
Upon seeing him, Gweg let out a laugh.
Gweg: I'm sorry, but you are the funniest looking centaur I have ever seen. I mean, what kind of centaur are you anyway? I thought you were all horses.
Cyber Centaur: Typical human thinking. There are many different types of centaurs. It's just that those horse ones are the most popular. Popular in school, popular with the girls, popular with the humans. They are just a bunch of dumb jocks. It's us others that have the brains.
Satyr: You hurt his feelings Gweg, you need to apologize.
Gweg: I'm sorry. I really am, but what breed of centaur are you.
Cyber: A llama, ok. Satisfied now? Do you think I enjoy being part llama? All it's good for is a good spitting range.
Gweg: Ok. I'm sorry.
Satyr: Good. Now, let's get down to business. Cyber, where did you see Sattar?
Cyber: I saw him down at the Mall while I was playing at the arcade.
Satyr: Ok. We'll head down there and see if we can spot him.
Cyber: What then?
Satyr: We'll follow him and see what he is up to. Let's move out.
Gweg: Have fun.
Satyr: You are coming with us.
Gweg: Why?
Satyr: You owe it to cyber after what you did to him, so come on.
Gweg, Satyr, and Cyber all went down to the Mall. After searching for a bit, they spotted Sattar flirting with a couple of women in the food court.
Satyr: There he is. Look at him, he is so smug. I just want to smack him.
Gweg: ***COUjealousGH***
Satyr: I am not jealous. I just hate jerks like him.
Cyber: Me too.
Gweg: So, what exactly are we going to do? Just follow him all day?
Satyr: He is here for a reason. We are going to find out what and put a stop to it.
Cyber: Uh guys, heads up. He's heading this way.
Satyr: Oh shit.
All three of them got up to move away, but amid the confusion, they collided with each other and fell to the ground.
Satta-Sattar-Sattar saw all of this and went up to them.
Sattar: Well, it looks like I came to the right place. I knew I would find you here.
Satyr: What do you want?
Sattar: I came to talk to you, my brother.
Gweg: You two are brothers?
Satyr: Yes, it's not something I'm proud of.
Sattar: Something you are not proud of? You brought disgrace to our family with your antics! It is who should not be proud!
Satyr: Oh you are right Sattar! I should be proud to have the great "Pompous Ass Who Walks Like A Man" as a brother. I disgraced the family? It's a wonder the family even remembered I was a part of it! I lived in your shadow all of my life and I needed to do whatever I could to get out from under it!
Sattar: But the frogs! Why did you have to do that horrible thing with the frogs?
Satyr: I didn't know the spell would be that powerful. But if it wasn't for you, it never would have happened!
Sattar: Listen, I didn't come here to argue. I came here to make amends. With you, my brother, Pollyknuckle Applebee.
There was a brief silence followed by roars of laughter. They came from Gweg and Cyber who were huddled together, tears streaming down their face with fits of laughter. Gweg caught his breath and looked at Satyr.
Gweg: Your name is Pollyknuckle Applebee? That's the funniest goddamn thing I have ever heard.
Satyr: Ha ha fucking hardy har har. And why in the hell are you laughing Cyber? After I stood up for you back at the apartment.
Cyber calmed himself down.
Cyber: You are right. I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you. Polly want a cracker?
Cyber and Gweg roared with laughter again.
Satyr glared at them and then turned to his bother.
Satyr: You see? This is what I always had to put up with when I was with you. Constant ridicule.
Sattar: I'm sorry brother. I promise to make it up to you.
Gweg and Cyber got over their laughing fit and apologized to Satyr.
Satyr: Apology accepted. Now, Sattar here wants to make amends, and I know the perfect way to do it. And you guys can help.
Gweg: How?
Satyr: It's time to go back home and break out the XBOX.
The four of them got back to the apartment. Satyr got out the XBOX and hooked up online.
Satyr: All right guys, we'll be playing the ever popular Halo 2. I'll make you all apart of my clan and we'll do some clan battles.
Gweg: Why is this game so popular? I mean, it's just a standard FPS. All it has got going for it is the online play and the vehicles.
Satyr: Just because you can't grasp the concept of something much greater than you, doesn't mean you have to try to bring it down.
Sattar: This going to be great! Going into battle with my brother!
Satyr: Nothing brings a family closer together than video games.
Sattar: Amen.
Cyber: Ok guys. Here's the keys to winning a team battle. Good Teamwork, Sound Strategy, and Superb Trash-Talking.
Satyr: Right. I wonder what clan is going to be up to the challenge of taking on us.
Gweg: Well, no challengers yet. I guess they are all cowering in fear.
Satyr: Probably.
Sattar: Ah, spoke to soon. There is a clan now.
Cyber: What clan is it?
Satyr: The Cuckoo Clucks Clan.
Gweg: Oh for Pete's sake.
Satyr: Let's get 'em boys.
The game began. It was a King of the Hill scenario, and Satyr's clan was winning.
CCC Member # 5: *Brawk* You'll never beat us!!!
Cyber: Ha, You guys are a bunch of noobs!
Sattar: Yeah, come at me in the Warthog while I have the Bazooka! HAHA Triple Kill!
Satyr: So long, Chicken McFucknuggets! This Hill is ours!
The game was over. Satyr and his Clan won. During the post game statistics, Satyr. Cyber, and Sattar kept bad-mouthing the Cuckoo Clucks Clan.
CCC Member # 10: *Brawk* There are 20 of us in the Grand CCC Army. We will get you!!!
Satyr: The CCC Army? Who's in charge? Col. Sanders?
Sattar: You the man Virtual Satyr!
Satyr smiled to himself. He had never been this happy before in his life. His brother was treating him as an equal and he was having a good old time with him and his two friends.
Cyber: I need to go rinse out my retainer.
Satyr: All right. This is a good time for a break.
Sattar: Hey brother, can I talk to you for a second?
Satyr: Sure.
Sattar: I know I never said this back home, but I need to say it now. I love you man.
Satyr: I love you to brother.
The hugged one another. But their brotherly embrace was interrupted by the sound of breaking glass.
Satyr: What the hell was that?
Gweg: The window! Someone threw a rock through it!
They all ran to the window and looked out.
Satyr: Holy fucking shit!
Outside stood 20 5-foot tall chickens dressed in white robes and wearing white pointed hoods. But there was one exception, on of the chickens had a red robe and hood. That one was the leader.
CCC Leader: *Brawk*I am the Grand Wizard of the Cuckoo Clucks Clan. Lucky for you, all of the Cuckoo Birds have been killed off, so it is just us chickens left. You have insulted our honor and now you will pay.
Cyber: Damn. I haven't seen this many white robes since that Casper Meets Strom Thurmond Convention in 2003.
Sattar: Shit! They have a sniper, everyone back away from the window!
Satyr, Gweg, and Cyber all got away from the window, but a shot rang out and Sattar let out a yell and tumbled to the floor.
Satyr: Noooooooooo!!!!!
Satyr jumped to the floor next to his brother.
Sattar: I'm glad I got to see you one last time bro.
Satyr: Shh. Just hang on, it'll be all right.
Sattar: I always respected you bro. I love you.
Sattar's body went limp.
Satyr held his brother's body in his arms. After a few moments which seemed like a lifetime to Satyr, he stood up, full of rage.
Satyr: It's payback time.
Satyr led Gweg and Cyber to a closet. Satyr opened it up to reveal a bevy of weapons which looked like the weapons from Halo 2.
Gweg: Where and the hell did those come from.
Satyr: I bought them last month from an illegal arms dealer. Here Gweg, you take the sniper and head out on the roof. Cyber, take the Rocket Launcher and shoot it from the window down into the street. Then take this Needler and meet me at the door. We'll go out there together and kick their asses.
Cyber: What weapon will you use.
Satyr: Me? I got the sword.
Gweg: Why can't I have a normal life?
Satyr: Normal lives are for boring people. All right guys. This is just like the Clan Match we played earlier. Only it's 20 on 3 and this time, it's for real.
Cyber: Let's do this!
Gweg headed for the roof. And Cyber took the Launcher to the window. He shot a rocket out into the street, taking out about ten of the chickens. Gweg had taken out 3 of them when he reached the roof.
Cyber went down to the front door.
Satyr: Ready? On 3. 1...2...3!
They charged out the door, one of the chickens ran right at Satyr. Satyr cut it's head off with the sword, but the decapitated chicken kept running and collided with Satyr, knocking him to the ground.
Satyr picked himself up and the body was still running around. Satyr kicked it and it fell and stopped moving.
Satyr: Damn these chickens! Aim for the heart Cyber!
Cyber: Right!
Satyr, Cyber, and Gweg took them down. There was on chicken left, the Grand Wizard.
The Grand Wizard: *Brawk* You may kill me but rest assured, the Cuckoo Clucks Clan will live forever! My only regret is that I have failed the boss!
Satyr: Shut it chicken, you're about to get fried.
Satyr took his sword and cut the Grand Wizard Chicken in half.
Satyr: I have avenged my brother. Let the corpses of the chickens be a sign that you don't fuck with a satyr!
Cyber: Well, I'm pooped. Let's go back upstairs and get a drink.
Satyr: Sure.
Satyr, Cyber, and Gweg sat down in the kitchen.
Satyr: Here's to Sattar! The best brother a guy could have.
Cyber and Gweg: To Sattar!
Gweg: Speaking of which, where's his body?
Sattar: Right here!
They all stood up and turned around. Sattar was standing in the doorway holding a gun.
Satyr: Brother, what's going on?
Sattar: Don't "Brother" me you stupid piece of shit. This was all of my doing. I came here to make a fake reconciliation, then I hired the CCC to attack us. I faked my own death to make you feel guilty. God, how I wanted you to die with a guilty conscience.
Satyr: But why?
Sattar: because you ruined my life. After you got kicked out of our world, I was no longer known as "The Satyr Who Walks Like A Man" I was "The Trouble Maker's Brother". Even though you were gone, everywhere I went it felt as though you were looming over me.
Satyr: Now you know how I felt all of those years!
Sattar: No! It's nothing like that. I was somebody. I had a reputation. You were a loser. You took everything from me, and now, I will kill you!
Sattar pulled back the hammer of the gun. He was too focused on Satyr, that he didn't notice Cyber throwing his head back and jerking it forward, spitting out a loogie the size of a golf ball.
The loogie hit Sattar right in the eyes causing him to drop his gun and grab at his face.
Sattar: Ah! My eyes!
Satyr leapt forward. Fortunately for him, he still had the energy sword with him. Satyr sliced at his brother cutting from the right should to his midsection, killing him.
The three of them stood around for a while looking at the bloody corpse on the floor. Finally, Satyr spoke.
Satyr: Well, that's enough Halo for tonight. Who wants to play Burnout: Revenge?
The End
Monday, September 12, 2005
Hurricane Satyr
The place is New Orleans. The time is a couple days after Katrina hit the place hard. The man screaming his head off is Gweg.
Gweg: This is all your fault! I told you this was going to happen! Bun Nooooo, you insisted we had to come here for a vacation, well look at us now!!!!
The person Gweg was screaming at, was of course, Virtual Satyr. They were currently floating on an inflatable raft in the heart of New Orleans.
Satyr: It's not my fault. It's those damn "Girls Gone Wild" tapes. I just had to come down here Gweg. I had to see all that action in real life. Why do you think I bought all of these bead necklaces?
Gweg: You fool! It's not even close to Mardi Gras!
Satyr: Every day is Mardi Gras in the Big Easy.
And so they continued to float and argue. At one point, Satyr saw something that interested him.
Satyr: Hey Gweg! There's a girl over there.
Satyr reached down and grabbed a bead necklace.
Satyr: I'm going to throw her some beads so she'll show us her tits.
Gweg: Do you think the fact that she is not moving and she's face down in the water, that she might be dead.
Satyr: Hmmm. Well, then row over there so I can take her shirt off for her.
Gweg: You are a sick bastard.
And then they floated some more. An hour later, they saw some rescue workers and a news crew. They rowed over to them.
Gweg: If they interview us, you let me do the talking.
Satyr: You got it.
The rescue crew checked over Gweg and Satyr to see if they were all right. After they were done, the news crew came up to them.
Reporter: If you don't mind, I would like to ask you a few questions.
Gweg: Sure.
Reporter: Yes, could you tell me what happened?
Satyr: Somebody obviously let their bathtub overflow.
Gweg: Quiet. He meant what happened to us. Well, my friend and I decided to vacation here a couple of weeks back. And, we were just a little to slow to get out in time. Luckily we came across a raft and an oar.
Satyr: Pssst.
Gweg: What?
Satyr: If you don't mind Mr. Reporter, I would like a word with my pal here.
Reporter: Go ahead.
Satyr: You are going to leave out the part where I took that raft from a group of kids right?
Gweg: Uh, yeah. I think it would be best if we didn't mention that.
Satyr: Good.
They turned back to the reporter.
Reporter: Well, I'm sure your family is glad to see you made it out alive. Do you have anything to say to the American citizens?
Gweg: Yes. Please donate what you can to the Red Cross to support the Katrina victims. After seeing firsthand what the damage is here, I can attest to the fact that the residents of New Orleans need all the help they can get.
Reporter: And would you like to add anything sir?
Satyr: Yes. George Bush doesn't care about satyrs.
Reporter: Uhh, that will be all.
The reporter turned away. Satyr could feel Gweg's searing eyes pierce into his flesh.
Satyr: I know you are giving me that look Gweg, what is it?
Gweg: Why on earth did you say that?
Satyr: Well it's true. If Bush did care about satyrs, he would have sent in a helicopter to rescue us.
Gweg: There is a lot more people here that need help more than we do.
Satyr: You'll get no arguments from me there, but that still doesn't change the fact that what I said is true.
Gweg: People are going to hate you for saying that.
Satyr: And they will be labeled racist.
Gweg: Well, once again you have crossed the line, only I will not pull you back this time. You can deal with the backlash from this yourself!
Meanwhile, at the White House.
George Bush: Well, now. What kind of backlash do ya reckon I'm gonna get from this?
Advisor: Severe. I predict another email letter from Michael Moore, several celebrities agreeing with the statement, and probably a couple songs about it too. Not to mention t-shirts and bumper stickers.
George Bush: Crap crap crap! Dear God, tell me what to do!
Donald Rumsfeld: I told you to stop calling me that. You need to stand firm, hold your stance against this satyr, and if he makes another move, declare war on him.
Advisor: I think that would be very unwise. I think you need to show America that you do care about satyrs. Let's give him a lot of money for his hardship in Louisiana and for all of the hardships satyrs have endured.
George Bush: Yeah, it feels good when I do stuff like that. Like filling in a pothole. Let's give him some money. Now, someone please tell me what the hell a satyr is exactly?
One week later, Satyr came home with a big smile on his face. He was wearing a new t-shirt and carrying a briefcase.
Gweg: I can't believe they put what you said onto a t-shirt.
Satyr: Then you are not going to believe this Gweggy-boy.
Satyr laid the briefcase on the coffee table and opened it up. Inside was a lot of money.
Gweg: Where did you get all that?
Satyr: The government gave it to me. All I had to do was retract my statement on TV. You see Gweg, speaking you mind does pay off.
Gweg: There is no justice in this world.
Gweg stared at the floor, but a moment later, he looked up at Satyr with determination in his eyes.
Gweg: Yes, yes there is. That money, you will donate to the Red Cross Katrina Relief Fund.
Satyr: Over my dead fucking body!
Gweg: No, you will give it to them. Or I release the pictures of you and Louie Anderson over the Internet.
Satyr: You wouldn't dare!
Gweg: Oh yes I would.
Satyr: Fine Gweg. Just fine. But, I want to be alone with the money for a little while, just to look at it.
Gweg: There better be the same amount in there when you come out as there is now.
Satyr: Yes Gweg. You'll always get your way.
An hour later, Satyr came out of his room with the briefcase. He opened it up, and showed Gweg that the money was still in there.
Satyr: You take it to the Red Cross though. I don't think I could it myself.
Gweg: I know you couldn't. And don't worry, I planned to do it myself anyway.
Gweg took the briefcase and left.
Four Hours Later.
The TV was on in Gweg & Satyr's Living Room. The Local News was on. Satyr was the only one in the apartment, but he wasn't watching the news. He was talking on the phone.
Anchorman on TV: And tonight's top story. A local man was arrested tonight after he tried to give counterfeit money to the Red Cross. The money was instantly identified by Red Cross workers as counterfeit, because they had a picture of movie director George Lucas on them and the inscription "In Bob Dylan We Trust". The workers immediately called the authorities and the man was arrested within minutes. The police have withheld his name, but they do say, that when the man was apprehended, he kept shouting "Satyr is going to die".
As we all know, this past week, Congress made a law stating a crime against satyrs is a hate crime, so there may be an investigation into whether or not this man has committed said crime.
Satyr (on the phone): You know Gweg, I am honored that you used your one call to call me. If you want to blame me that's fine....no, placing blame is not going to solve anything. Well, I only gave some of it to that church, the rest I kept in my closet. Oh come on, you didn't really think I would give that money away? Fine, fine, I'll pay your bail, but you'll owe me one.....well, you should have taken a closer look at that money. Fine, I'll be there in a few. I want to finish watching this rerun of Desperate Housewives.
The End.
Gweg: This is all your fault! I told you this was going to happen! Bun Nooooo, you insisted we had to come here for a vacation, well look at us now!!!!
The person Gweg was screaming at, was of course, Virtual Satyr. They were currently floating on an inflatable raft in the heart of New Orleans.
Satyr: It's not my fault. It's those damn "Girls Gone Wild" tapes. I just had to come down here Gweg. I had to see all that action in real life. Why do you think I bought all of these bead necklaces?
Gweg: You fool! It's not even close to Mardi Gras!
Satyr: Every day is Mardi Gras in the Big Easy.
And so they continued to float and argue. At one point, Satyr saw something that interested him.
Satyr: Hey Gweg! There's a girl over there.
Satyr reached down and grabbed a bead necklace.
Satyr: I'm going to throw her some beads so she'll show us her tits.
Gweg: Do you think the fact that she is not moving and she's face down in the water, that she might be dead.
Satyr: Hmmm. Well, then row over there so I can take her shirt off for her.
Gweg: You are a sick bastard.
And then they floated some more. An hour later, they saw some rescue workers and a news crew. They rowed over to them.
Gweg: If they interview us, you let me do the talking.
Satyr: You got it.
The rescue crew checked over Gweg and Satyr to see if they were all right. After they were done, the news crew came up to them.
Reporter: If you don't mind, I would like to ask you a few questions.
Gweg: Sure.
Reporter: Yes, could you tell me what happened?
Satyr: Somebody obviously let their bathtub overflow.
Gweg: Quiet. He meant what happened to us. Well, my friend and I decided to vacation here a couple of weeks back. And, we were just a little to slow to get out in time. Luckily we came across a raft and an oar.
Satyr: Pssst.
Gweg: What?
Satyr: If you don't mind Mr. Reporter, I would like a word with my pal here.
Reporter: Go ahead.
Satyr: You are going to leave out the part where I took that raft from a group of kids right?
Gweg: Uh, yeah. I think it would be best if we didn't mention that.
Satyr: Good.
They turned back to the reporter.
Reporter: Well, I'm sure your family is glad to see you made it out alive. Do you have anything to say to the American citizens?
Gweg: Yes. Please donate what you can to the Red Cross to support the Katrina victims. After seeing firsthand what the damage is here, I can attest to the fact that the residents of New Orleans need all the help they can get.
Reporter: And would you like to add anything sir?
Satyr: Yes. George Bush doesn't care about satyrs.
Reporter: Uhh, that will be all.
The reporter turned away. Satyr could feel Gweg's searing eyes pierce into his flesh.
Satyr: I know you are giving me that look Gweg, what is it?
Gweg: Why on earth did you say that?
Satyr: Well it's true. If Bush did care about satyrs, he would have sent in a helicopter to rescue us.
Gweg: There is a lot more people here that need help more than we do.
Satyr: You'll get no arguments from me there, but that still doesn't change the fact that what I said is true.
Gweg: People are going to hate you for saying that.
Satyr: And they will be labeled racist.
Gweg: Well, once again you have crossed the line, only I will not pull you back this time. You can deal with the backlash from this yourself!
Meanwhile, at the White House.
George Bush: Well, now. What kind of backlash do ya reckon I'm gonna get from this?
Advisor: Severe. I predict another email letter from Michael Moore, several celebrities agreeing with the statement, and probably a couple songs about it too. Not to mention t-shirts and bumper stickers.
George Bush: Crap crap crap! Dear God, tell me what to do!
Donald Rumsfeld: I told you to stop calling me that. You need to stand firm, hold your stance against this satyr, and if he makes another move, declare war on him.
Advisor: I think that would be very unwise. I think you need to show America that you do care about satyrs. Let's give him a lot of money for his hardship in Louisiana and for all of the hardships satyrs have endured.
George Bush: Yeah, it feels good when I do stuff like that. Like filling in a pothole. Let's give him some money. Now, someone please tell me what the hell a satyr is exactly?
One week later, Satyr came home with a big smile on his face. He was wearing a new t-shirt and carrying a briefcase.
Gweg: I can't believe they put what you said onto a t-shirt.
Satyr: Then you are not going to believe this Gweggy-boy.
Satyr laid the briefcase on the coffee table and opened it up. Inside was a lot of money.
Gweg: Where did you get all that?
Satyr: The government gave it to me. All I had to do was retract my statement on TV. You see Gweg, speaking you mind does pay off.
Gweg: There is no justice in this world.
Gweg stared at the floor, but a moment later, he looked up at Satyr with determination in his eyes.
Gweg: Yes, yes there is. That money, you will donate to the Red Cross Katrina Relief Fund.
Satyr: Over my dead fucking body!
Gweg: No, you will give it to them. Or I release the pictures of you and Louie Anderson over the Internet.
Satyr: You wouldn't dare!
Gweg: Oh yes I would.
Satyr: Fine Gweg. Just fine. But, I want to be alone with the money for a little while, just to look at it.
Gweg: There better be the same amount in there when you come out as there is now.
Satyr: Yes Gweg. You'll always get your way.
An hour later, Satyr came out of his room with the briefcase. He opened it up, and showed Gweg that the money was still in there.
Satyr: You take it to the Red Cross though. I don't think I could it myself.
Gweg: I know you couldn't. And don't worry, I planned to do it myself anyway.
Gweg took the briefcase and left.
Four Hours Later.
The TV was on in Gweg & Satyr's Living Room. The Local News was on. Satyr was the only one in the apartment, but he wasn't watching the news. He was talking on the phone.
Anchorman on TV: And tonight's top story. A local man was arrested tonight after he tried to give counterfeit money to the Red Cross. The money was instantly identified by Red Cross workers as counterfeit, because they had a picture of movie director George Lucas on them and the inscription "In Bob Dylan We Trust". The workers immediately called the authorities and the man was arrested within minutes. The police have withheld his name, but they do say, that when the man was apprehended, he kept shouting "Satyr is going to die".
As we all know, this past week, Congress made a law stating a crime against satyrs is a hate crime, so there may be an investigation into whether or not this man has committed said crime.
Satyr (on the phone): You know Gweg, I am honored that you used your one call to call me. If you want to blame me that's fine....no, placing blame is not going to solve anything. Well, I only gave some of it to that church, the rest I kept in my closet. Oh come on, you didn't really think I would give that money away? Fine, fine, I'll pay your bail, but you'll owe me one.....well, you should have taken a closer look at that money. Fine, I'll be there in a few. I want to finish watching this rerun of Desperate Housewives.
The End.
Monday, August 29, 2005
The Double Date
Gweg has had a bad day. He needed to do a lot of research on the internet the night before, but Satyr would not budge from the computer. When Gweg got up, Satyr was still on the computer.
Gweg decided to go to an Internet Cafe. He ordered a drink and sat down at a computer.
Things would have been fine, but there were two girls at another computer, pointing at Gweg, looking at their monitor, and giggling loudly.
After five minutes of it, Gweg had enough.
Gweg: Excuse me, but what is so funny?
Girl #1: Well, we have never seen one of you guys before in real life.
Gweg: What are you talking about?
Girl #2: Hee Hee!. You know, a Date 'Em & Rate 'Em.com guy.
Gweg looked at their screen. He saw a very bad photo of himself next to his personal information.
Gweg immediately knew who put it on the site.
Gweg: I am going to kill that hairy legged motherfucker!
Gweg stormed out of the Cafe.
Girl #1: He's never going to get a date with a temper like that.
Girl #2: I'd do him.
Girl #1: You'd do anybody that gave you a jar of Cheez Whiz.
Gweg burst into his apartment and went right up to Satyr, who was still at the computer.
Gweg: Just what in the hell is Date 'Em & Rate 'Em.com?
Satyr: Uh, you weren't supposed to find out about that.
Gweg: Well I did. Now, tell me what it is!
Satyr: All right. It's a dating service that sets you up with singles in your area. After your date is over, you can rate the person on a scale of 1 through 10. You can also add a brief description on how the date went. It's quite ingenious.
Gweg: Thank you Captain Shill. Now explain why I'm on that site.
Satyr: Because you need a woman, Gweg. I've seen how sad and lonely you are. And I know you've been watching Scinemax late at night.
Gweg: How in the hell do you know that!?!?
Satyr: Well, since I didn't pay for a satellite box of my own, I just spliced of yours. And for some odd reason, I can only watch what you're watching. And you, my friend, have been watching a little too much E! For my taste.
Gweg: That's not the point, the point is, You put up an unauthorized profile of me on that site and I want it taken down!
Satyr: But it's already been a success! You already got an email from some chick.
Gweg: Really? What did she...Wait a sec, you've been getting into my email?
Satyr: Uh yeah, but it's been for emergency purposes only.
Gweg: I can hear the cops now, "Justifiable Homicide"....Yeah, that's what they'll call it.
Satyr: Uh, yeah...Anyway, sit down and read her letter.
Gweg looked at Satyr and whispered "Justifiable Homicide" to himself and sat at the computer desk. He got into his email and pulled up the message.
Dear Gweggy Poo,
How R U? I sust may, when I saw your pic, I was instantly attracted 2U. U R sooo cute and sexy! How about meeting me 2Nite @ Chez La Chien @ 8PM
You'll know who I am by looking @ my profile
xoxoxoxo
Dyslexic Anorexic
PS....Don't worry, I'm a cheap date
Gweg: Gweggy-Poo?
Satyr: Yeah, that's the screen name I gave you.
Before Gweg could say something, Satyr reached down and grabbed the mouse.
Satyr: Here, let me bring up her profile. There! See, isn't she hot?
Gweg: She looks like somebody drew over a skull with a peach colored crayon.
Satyr: Well, you know how these pics on the net are. Anyway, there is no need to thank me Gweg, I did this all out of the kindness of my heart. You are my best pal and it's my number one priority to look out for you.
Gweg: Thank you?!?! Because of you, I now have to go on a date with a dyslexic anorexic.
Satyr: Well I'm sorry Gweg! I'm sorry that we can't all be perfect like you! I try to do something nice and you don't appreciate it at all.
Satyr startedto cry.
Gweg: All right. It's not the end of the world. But she really isn't my type. I'll just email her back and say "no thanks".
Satyr: You can't. She will give you a bad rating and trust me, you don't want that.
Gweg: Why not? Besides, I'm not a big fan of dating sites anyway.
Satyr: If you ever want to meet a woman your type, you need to go on this date. Trust me, Date 'em & Rate 'Em.com is a very popular site in this town.
Gweg: Fine, I'll go on the date. I guess it couldn't be all that bad.
Gweg arrived at the restaurant a 7:45 PM.
Gweg walked into the lobby and saw a skeleton wearing something that resembled skin and a red dress and top. It also had short brown hair. Gweg knew it was Dyslexic Anorexic. She smiled at Gweg and began to talk.
Dyslexic: Hi Pweggy-Goo! I'm so glad you could make it.
Gweg thought, "Nice, already off to a great start."
They went up to the Host.
Dyslexic: Hello. Reservation for Lohan.
Host: Alright, follow me.
The Host took them to their table.
Gweg: So, is Lohan your real name?
Dyslexic: Nah. She's just my hero. Who's your hero?
Gweg: Stephen Hawking.
Dyslexic: Oooh. He writes a lot of scary stuff.
Gweg: Uhh, I don't think it's that scary.
Dyslexic: What about that one about the clown. That scown was real clary!
Gweg realized that she was talking about Stephen King. He didn't bother to correct her.
Gweg: Yeah, it sure was.
Dyslexic: Cim Turry played the clown in the movie. I still have nightmares about him.
Gweg: I felt the same way after I watched The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Dyslexic: The what?
Gweg: Never mind.
There was an uncomfortable silence. Gweg was starting to get hungry.
Gweg: So, should we order?
Dyslexic: Well we should wait until they get here.
Gweg: Who?
Dyslexic: You know....oh, there they are now!
Gweg turned to see who was coming. Gweg couldn't honestly say he was surprised to see Satyr heading his way. He was accompanied by a sick looking young black woman.
Satyr and the woman sat down at the table.
Satyr: Ha ha Gweg! Now you didn't think I'd let you have all the fun tonight?
Gweg: Of course not.
Satyr: And where are my manners? Gweg, I'd like you to meet my date tonight, Anemic Bulimic.
Gweg shook her hand.
Anemic: Charmed I'm sure. Now, what kind of grub does this place have?
She picked up a menu and read through it.
Anemic: Well, this shit looks great. I bet it tastes good going down and coming back up.
Satyr and Dyslexic Anorexic gave out a laugh.
Satyr: Well, I have heard nothing but great reviews on this place.
Anemic: I gotta say, when I saw your profile, I thought you were trying to be funny with those horns on your head. You know, "virtual satyr" and all. I didn't know you were going to be an actual satyr!
Satyr: Well, I expected a fat white chick, so there ya go.
Anemic: See D.A., I told you this cat was funny.
Dyslexic: You sure did A.B.
They ordered their drinks and talked for a while before ordering their food. After they ordered, Gweg stood up.
Gweg: I need to use the restroom. Satyr, would you like to come with me.
Satyr: You're a big boy, I think you can handle it.
Gweg: I would really appreciate it if you came with me.
Satyr: Well, excuse us ladies. D.A., I should let you know now that Gweg needs more than two hands when holding up his fire hose.
He gave D.A. a wink and the two women laughed. Gweg and Satyr went to the restroom.
Gweg: All right Satyr! Tell me the truth now! What's really going on tonight.
Satyr: Fine. I put my profile up on the site last night. I tried to go to bed after you went to bed, but I was too anxious to sleep. So I stayed up on the computer waiting for an email. I finally got one this morning from the Anemic Bulimic. She agreed to go on a date with me, but she wanted me to get a date for her friend. So I put your profile up and she sent it to the Dyslexic Anorexic. She told her to email you and ask you out on a date.
Gweg: I knew it! I knew that all of this didn't happen by chance!
Satyr: Yes Gweg! Your paranoia is right again! You must get a hell of an orgasm from all of the mental masturbation your mind does when it finds out it's right!
Gweg: I should smack you.
Satyr: You don't understand, I need this. I'm a satyr! I'm supposed to be getting laid all of the time! But those powers were stripped from me. I have nothing! I have to slip Spanish Fly into your drink every night just to make sure you turn on some skin flick before you go to sleep!
Gweg: You've been doing what!
Satyr: I wouldn't have to do it if we moved the computer to a more secluded area. I'd do the hand jive to the porn on there, but I'm afraid you'll walk in on me.
Gweg: Spanish Fly? That stuff doesn't work!
Satyr: I don't use some cheap sex shop crap. The stuff I use is a secret satyr recipe. And don't think I won't slip it into the girl's drinks, because I already have.
Gweg: Oh, that's just fantastic.
Gweg and Satyr went back out to their table.
Anemic: Let's hurry up and eat. I gettin the urge to do something nasty.
Dyslexic: I seel the fame.
They ate as fast as they could, except for Gweg. After they were done, they went to Anemic's apartment.
Anemic: You boys just sit on that couch there and enjoy the little show we got planned for you.
Satyr and Gweg sat on the couch. The Anemic Bulimic and the Dyslexic Anorexic moved closer to each other.
Anemic: Be careful D.A., remember what happened the last time.
Dyslexic: I know.
The two girls started making out with each other. D.A. Was getting into some really heavy tongue action, but then she seemed to have gone too far. A.B.'s eyes went wide, her throat started to spasm and she through her head back, and then barfed all over the D.A.'s body and into her open mouth.
Satyr: Oh my fucking god!
Satyr and Gweg got up from the couch and bolted out the door. They got into their cars and headed straight home.
When they got inside, Satyr looked at Gweg with a revolted look on his face.
Satyr: Let's never speak of what we just saw ever again.
Gweg: Agreed.
Gweg took a shower and went to bed. When he got up, Satyr was at the computer.
Gweg: Well, did you get a bad review at Date 'Em & Rate 'Em.com?
Satyr: I don't know. I took down my profile. But I left yours up and they didn't rate you yet. However, you got another email.
Gweg scowled at Satyr and sat down at the desk.
It was another request for a date. It seemed basic enough, but Gweg was perplexed by the odd request for him to bring Cheez Whiz.
Gweg decided to go to an Internet Cafe. He ordered a drink and sat down at a computer.
Things would have been fine, but there were two girls at another computer, pointing at Gweg, looking at their monitor, and giggling loudly.
After five minutes of it, Gweg had enough.
Gweg: Excuse me, but what is so funny?
Girl #1: Well, we have never seen one of you guys before in real life.
Gweg: What are you talking about?
Girl #2: Hee Hee!. You know, a Date 'Em & Rate 'Em.com guy.
Gweg looked at their screen. He saw a very bad photo of himself next to his personal information.
Gweg immediately knew who put it on the site.
Gweg: I am going to kill that hairy legged motherfucker!
Gweg stormed out of the Cafe.
Girl #1: He's never going to get a date with a temper like that.
Girl #2: I'd do him.
Girl #1: You'd do anybody that gave you a jar of Cheez Whiz.
Gweg burst into his apartment and went right up to Satyr, who was still at the computer.
Gweg: Just what in the hell is Date 'Em & Rate 'Em.com?
Satyr: Uh, you weren't supposed to find out about that.
Gweg: Well I did. Now, tell me what it is!
Satyr: All right. It's a dating service that sets you up with singles in your area. After your date is over, you can rate the person on a scale of 1 through 10. You can also add a brief description on how the date went. It's quite ingenious.
Gweg: Thank you Captain Shill. Now explain why I'm on that site.
Satyr: Because you need a woman, Gweg. I've seen how sad and lonely you are. And I know you've been watching Scinemax late at night.
Gweg: How in the hell do you know that!?!?
Satyr: Well, since I didn't pay for a satellite box of my own, I just spliced of yours. And for some odd reason, I can only watch what you're watching. And you, my friend, have been watching a little too much E! For my taste.
Gweg: That's not the point, the point is, You put up an unauthorized profile of me on that site and I want it taken down!
Satyr: But it's already been a success! You already got an email from some chick.
Gweg: Really? What did she...Wait a sec, you've been getting into my email?
Satyr: Uh yeah, but it's been for emergency purposes only.
Gweg: I can hear the cops now, "Justifiable Homicide"....Yeah, that's what they'll call it.
Satyr: Uh, yeah...Anyway, sit down and read her letter.
Gweg looked at Satyr and whispered "Justifiable Homicide" to himself and sat at the computer desk. He got into his email and pulled up the message.
Dear Gweggy Poo,
How R U? I sust may, when I saw your pic, I was instantly attracted 2U. U R sooo cute and sexy! How about meeting me 2Nite @ Chez La Chien @ 8PM
You'll know who I am by looking @ my profile
xoxoxoxo
Dyslexic Anorexic
PS....Don't worry, I'm a cheap date
Gweg: Gweggy-Poo?
Satyr: Yeah, that's the screen name I gave you.
Before Gweg could say something, Satyr reached down and grabbed the mouse.
Satyr: Here, let me bring up her profile. There! See, isn't she hot?
Gweg: She looks like somebody drew over a skull with a peach colored crayon.
Satyr: Well, you know how these pics on the net are. Anyway, there is no need to thank me Gweg, I did this all out of the kindness of my heart. You are my best pal and it's my number one priority to look out for you.
Gweg: Thank you?!?! Because of you, I now have to go on a date with a dyslexic anorexic.
Satyr: Well I'm sorry Gweg! I'm sorry that we can't all be perfect like you! I try to do something nice and you don't appreciate it at all.
Satyr startedto cry.
Gweg: All right. It's not the end of the world. But she really isn't my type. I'll just email her back and say "no thanks".
Satyr: You can't. She will give you a bad rating and trust me, you don't want that.
Gweg: Why not? Besides, I'm not a big fan of dating sites anyway.
Satyr: If you ever want to meet a woman your type, you need to go on this date. Trust me, Date 'em & Rate 'Em.com is a very popular site in this town.
Gweg: Fine, I'll go on the date. I guess it couldn't be all that bad.
Gweg arrived at the restaurant a 7:45 PM.
Gweg walked into the lobby and saw a skeleton wearing something that resembled skin and a red dress and top. It also had short brown hair. Gweg knew it was Dyslexic Anorexic. She smiled at Gweg and began to talk.
Dyslexic: Hi Pweggy-Goo! I'm so glad you could make it.
Gweg thought, "Nice, already off to a great start."
They went up to the Host.
Dyslexic: Hello. Reservation for Lohan.
Host: Alright, follow me.
The Host took them to their table.
Gweg: So, is Lohan your real name?
Dyslexic: Nah. She's just my hero. Who's your hero?
Gweg: Stephen Hawking.
Dyslexic: Oooh. He writes a lot of scary stuff.
Gweg: Uhh, I don't think it's that scary.
Dyslexic: What about that one about the clown. That scown was real clary!
Gweg realized that she was talking about Stephen King. He didn't bother to correct her.
Gweg: Yeah, it sure was.
Dyslexic: Cim Turry played the clown in the movie. I still have nightmares about him.
Gweg: I felt the same way after I watched The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Dyslexic: The what?
Gweg: Never mind.
There was an uncomfortable silence. Gweg was starting to get hungry.
Gweg: So, should we order?
Dyslexic: Well we should wait until they get here.
Gweg: Who?
Dyslexic: You know....oh, there they are now!
Gweg turned to see who was coming. Gweg couldn't honestly say he was surprised to see Satyr heading his way. He was accompanied by a sick looking young black woman.
Satyr and the woman sat down at the table.
Satyr: Ha ha Gweg! Now you didn't think I'd let you have all the fun tonight?
Gweg: Of course not.
Satyr: And where are my manners? Gweg, I'd like you to meet my date tonight, Anemic Bulimic.
Gweg shook her hand.
Anemic: Charmed I'm sure. Now, what kind of grub does this place have?
She picked up a menu and read through it.
Anemic: Well, this shit looks great. I bet it tastes good going down and coming back up.
Satyr and Dyslexic Anorexic gave out a laugh.
Satyr: Well, I have heard nothing but great reviews on this place.
Anemic: I gotta say, when I saw your profile, I thought you were trying to be funny with those horns on your head. You know, "virtual satyr" and all. I didn't know you were going to be an actual satyr!
Satyr: Well, I expected a fat white chick, so there ya go.
Anemic: See D.A., I told you this cat was funny.
Dyslexic: You sure did A.B.
They ordered their drinks and talked for a while before ordering their food. After they ordered, Gweg stood up.
Gweg: I need to use the restroom. Satyr, would you like to come with me.
Satyr: You're a big boy, I think you can handle it.
Gweg: I would really appreciate it if you came with me.
Satyr: Well, excuse us ladies. D.A., I should let you know now that Gweg needs more than two hands when holding up his fire hose.
He gave D.A. a wink and the two women laughed. Gweg and Satyr went to the restroom.
Gweg: All right Satyr! Tell me the truth now! What's really going on tonight.
Satyr: Fine. I put my profile up on the site last night. I tried to go to bed after you went to bed, but I was too anxious to sleep. So I stayed up on the computer waiting for an email. I finally got one this morning from the Anemic Bulimic. She agreed to go on a date with me, but she wanted me to get a date for her friend. So I put your profile up and she sent it to the Dyslexic Anorexic. She told her to email you and ask you out on a date.
Gweg: I knew it! I knew that all of this didn't happen by chance!
Satyr: Yes Gweg! Your paranoia is right again! You must get a hell of an orgasm from all of the mental masturbation your mind does when it finds out it's right!
Gweg: I should smack you.
Satyr: You don't understand, I need this. I'm a satyr! I'm supposed to be getting laid all of the time! But those powers were stripped from me. I have nothing! I have to slip Spanish Fly into your drink every night just to make sure you turn on some skin flick before you go to sleep!
Gweg: You've been doing what!
Satyr: I wouldn't have to do it if we moved the computer to a more secluded area. I'd do the hand jive to the porn on there, but I'm afraid you'll walk in on me.
Gweg: Spanish Fly? That stuff doesn't work!
Satyr: I don't use some cheap sex shop crap. The stuff I use is a secret satyr recipe. And don't think I won't slip it into the girl's drinks, because I already have.
Gweg: Oh, that's just fantastic.
Gweg and Satyr went back out to their table.
Anemic: Let's hurry up and eat. I gettin the urge to do something nasty.
Dyslexic: I seel the fame.
They ate as fast as they could, except for Gweg. After they were done, they went to Anemic's apartment.
Anemic: You boys just sit on that couch there and enjoy the little show we got planned for you.
Satyr and Gweg sat on the couch. The Anemic Bulimic and the Dyslexic Anorexic moved closer to each other.
Anemic: Be careful D.A., remember what happened the last time.
Dyslexic: I know.
The two girls started making out with each other. D.A. Was getting into some really heavy tongue action, but then she seemed to have gone too far. A.B.'s eyes went wide, her throat started to spasm and she through her head back, and then barfed all over the D.A.'s body and into her open mouth.
Satyr: Oh my fucking god!
Satyr and Gweg got up from the couch and bolted out the door. They got into their cars and headed straight home.
When they got inside, Satyr looked at Gweg with a revolted look on his face.
Satyr: Let's never speak of what we just saw ever again.
Gweg: Agreed.
Gweg took a shower and went to bed. When he got up, Satyr was at the computer.
Gweg: Well, did you get a bad review at Date 'Em & Rate 'Em.com?
Satyr: I don't know. I took down my profile. But I left yours up and they didn't rate you yet. However, you got another email.
Gweg scowled at Satyr and sat down at the desk.
It was another request for a date. It seemed basic enough, but Gweg was perplexed by the odd request for him to bring Cheez Whiz.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Fetus Christ
Gweg couldn't get any sleep. All night he could hear strange noises coming from Satyr's room. Hammering, drilling, sawing, and cursing. Gweg didn't know what Satyr was up to nor did he care. He just wanted some sleep.
Finally, around 6AM, the noise stopped. Unfortunately for Gweg, Satyr came bursting into his room 20 minutes later.
Satyr: Gweg, come quick! You have got to see this!
Gweg: God damn it! I need to get some sleep. You kept me awake all night with that racket, now leave me alone!
Satyr: This is extremely important and it will change our lives! I promise you, if you are not in complete awe from what I have to show you, I will leave you alone for the rest of the week.
Gweg: Let's go.
Satyr led Gweg to his room. When Satyr opened the door, Gweg could see their refrigerator in the middle of Satyr's room.
Gweg: Why is our fridge in your room?
Satyr: I turned it into a time machine!
Gweg: I'm going back to bed. I'll see you in a week. And you'd better have the fridge back out in the kitchen before I wake up.
Satyr: You're not going anywhere. Except back in time.
Gweg: I'm not even going to bother telling you that whatever plan you have working in your head is going to fail.
Satyr: Just watch.
Satyr opened up the door to the fridge. Inside were a bunch of gadgets and tubing. There were two digital clocks attached to the inside of the door.
Satyr: Now, when we go to another period in time, we can only stay their for so long. The top clock shows us where we are going and the bottom clock shows us when we will get back. We have no choice in the matter, the computer calculates the time and whisks us back when it's ready.
Gweg: Where in the hell did you figure all of this out?
Satyr: There was a special about it on Dateline.
Gweg: I'm going to regret asking this, but what do you plan to do?
Satyr: We are going to go back in time and give the Virgin Mary an abortion.
Gweg: You are fucking crazy!
Satyr: Think about it. No more organized religion. This is our dream come true. Everything will change. If this is successful, we won't be living in this drab apartment anymore, that's for sure.
Gweg: Tell me what I need to do.
Satyr set the clock. The computer calculated that they would have exactly ten minutes to get the job done.
Satyr: That should be plenty of time. Let's make sure we got everything before we go. clothes hanger?
Gweg: Check.
Satyr: All right, that should do it. Let's go.
Satyr and Gweg stepped into the fridge. It transported them right to where they needed to be. The arrived right next to a sleeping Virgin Mary. She seemed to be in her fifth month of her pregnancy.
Satyr: All right Gweg, give me the clothes hanger.
Gweg handed it to him. Satyr straightened it out and went to work. Mary woke up screaming and went running.
Satyr: Dirty work, butt somebody had to do it.
Gweg: It's a good thing I'm already in Hell.
Satyr: Yeah that whole getting killed over and over again by the same person had to suck...Wait a second, did you hear that?
Gweg: Hear what?
Satyr: It was kind of a rustling.
Gweg: Yeah now I hear it. What the? Look over there!
Gweg pointed to a strange little object moving toward them on the ground. Satyr knew what it was immediately.
Satyr: Fetus Christ!!!
Yes, the thing was the aborted Jesus Christ. It started moving toward them again at an uncanny speed.
Satyr: We still got 3 minutes left until we are transported back!
Gweg: What are we going to do?
Fetus Christ jumped at Satyr, landing on his face.
Satyr: Get it off of me!
Gweg reached for a stick on the ground and started hitting Fetus Christ with it. Gweg knocked it off, but he still kept on hitting.
Satyr: Stop (ow) it. (ow) You are (ow) hitting (ow) me!
Gweg: Oh, my bad.
Satyr: Fuck it's coming back, but we have ten seconds left.
Gweg: I'll be glad when this is over.
Fetus Christ jumped at them again, but at the same time, they were transported back into Satyr's room.
Satyr: Well, that was fun.
Gweg: Yeah, it sure was.
Gweg looked over the time machine.
Gweg: Let's destroy this thing.
Satyr: But my lunch is in there.
They took apart the time machine. Satyr was sad to see all of his work destroyed, but Gweg couldn't have been happier.
Gweg: All right, let's go see what we changed.
Satyr and Gweg went to the nearest church.
Satyr: What the hell? The till have the crucifix up on the wall. There's a bible, look in it and see what it says.
Gweg picked up the bible and started reading the New Testament.
Gweg: Nothing has changed in here either.
Satyr: What in the hell went wrong?
Voice From Behind: Perhaps I can answer that.
Satyr and Gweg turned around. To their surprise, Fetus Christ stood their in front of them.
Satyr: No fucking way!
Fetus Christ: Yes fucking way. You see, being the son of god has it's benefits. Even though you ended my life in the womb, I was still allowed to live on.
Satyr: But nothing has changed. It still says you died on the cross.
Fetus Christ: No, I remained hidden until today. You see, Mary really wanted a child, so she kidnapped one and raised it as though it would have been me. That is the famous Jesus everyone knows and loves.
Gweg: But how did he get all of your powers? The turning water into wine and all that jazz?
Fetus Christ: Bah, the church turned his simple boring stories into fantastic ones. He never did all that stuff. He certainly never returned from dead 3 days later. That's all myth.
Satyr: But you were supposed to do all of that stuff before we aborted you. How can the exact same thing be pinned on him?
Fetus Christ: You're thinking "Back To The Future". You should be thinking "Prisoner of Azkaban".
Satyr & Gweg: Ahhh.
Fetus Christ: But I'm not here to discuss history and the physics of time. I'm here for revenge!
Fetus Christ leapt at Satyr and attached himself to his face. Gweg ripped him off.
Satyr: Run!
Satyr and Gweg took off in hot pursuit. Fetus Christ remained closely behind.
Satyr: We need to split up. I go left and you go right. He'll follow me. When we are away, go to the hardware store.
Gweg: And do what?
Satyr: Get a nail gun.
So, Satyr and Gweg split up, and sure enough, Fetus Christ continued to follow Satyr.
Gweg ran for tow more blocks and the headed to the hardware store.
Satyr kept on running. He came to the lake in the middle of the city. Satyr knocked a man down who was getting ready to get into his boat.
Satyr: Sorry bud, but this is an emergency.
Satyr started rowing away from the dock. He saw Fetus Christ approach the water.
Satyr: You'll never get me now, Spawn of Satan!
But to Satyr's horror, Fetus Christ started walking on the water.
Satyr: Ah shit, I forgot about that.
Satyr saw somebody on the shore. It was Gweg!
Gweg: I got it!
Satyr started rowing back to the shore. Fetus Christ walked up to the boat.
Fetus Christ: Forgive me Father for what I am about to do.
But before he could do anything, Satyr swung an oar at him and knocked back20 feet.
Satyr laughed and made it to the shore.
Satyr: Quick give me the gun.
Fetus Christ recovered himself and walked to the shore. As he started going toward Satyr and Gweg, Satyr aimed the nail gun.
Satyr: No last supper for you, you son of a bitch!
Satyr pulled the trigger. A nail caught Fetus Christ right in his developing heart. Fetus Christ fell to the ground, dying.
Fetus Christ: Satyr, why have you foresaken me?
Satyr raised up his hoof and brought it down on Fetus Christ's head.
Satyr then scooped the body up in his arms.
Gweg: What are you going to do with that?
Satyr: This is the aborted fetus of the real Jesus Christ. What do you think I'm going to do with it? I'm going to sell it on EBay.
THE END
Finally, around 6AM, the noise stopped. Unfortunately for Gweg, Satyr came bursting into his room 20 minutes later.
Satyr: Gweg, come quick! You have got to see this!
Gweg: God damn it! I need to get some sleep. You kept me awake all night with that racket, now leave me alone!
Satyr: This is extremely important and it will change our lives! I promise you, if you are not in complete awe from what I have to show you, I will leave you alone for the rest of the week.
Gweg: Let's go.
Satyr led Gweg to his room. When Satyr opened the door, Gweg could see their refrigerator in the middle of Satyr's room.
Gweg: Why is our fridge in your room?
Satyr: I turned it into a time machine!
Gweg: I'm going back to bed. I'll see you in a week. And you'd better have the fridge back out in the kitchen before I wake up.
Satyr: You're not going anywhere. Except back in time.
Gweg: I'm not even going to bother telling you that whatever plan you have working in your head is going to fail.
Satyr: Just watch.
Satyr opened up the door to the fridge. Inside were a bunch of gadgets and tubing. There were two digital clocks attached to the inside of the door.
Satyr: Now, when we go to another period in time, we can only stay their for so long. The top clock shows us where we are going and the bottom clock shows us when we will get back. We have no choice in the matter, the computer calculates the time and whisks us back when it's ready.
Gweg: Where in the hell did you figure all of this out?
Satyr: There was a special about it on Dateline.
Gweg: I'm going to regret asking this, but what do you plan to do?
Satyr: We are going to go back in time and give the Virgin Mary an abortion.
Gweg: You are fucking crazy!
Satyr: Think about it. No more organized religion. This is our dream come true. Everything will change. If this is successful, we won't be living in this drab apartment anymore, that's for sure.
Gweg: Tell me what I need to do.
Satyr set the clock. The computer calculated that they would have exactly ten minutes to get the job done.
Satyr: That should be plenty of time. Let's make sure we got everything before we go. clothes hanger?
Gweg: Check.
Satyr: All right, that should do it. Let's go.
Satyr and Gweg stepped into the fridge. It transported them right to where they needed to be. The arrived right next to a sleeping Virgin Mary. She seemed to be in her fifth month of her pregnancy.
Satyr: All right Gweg, give me the clothes hanger.
Gweg handed it to him. Satyr straightened it out and went to work. Mary woke up screaming and went running.
Satyr: Dirty work, butt somebody had to do it.
Gweg: It's a good thing I'm already in Hell.
Satyr: Yeah that whole getting killed over and over again by the same person had to suck...Wait a second, did you hear that?
Gweg: Hear what?
Satyr: It was kind of a rustling.
Gweg: Yeah now I hear it. What the? Look over there!
Gweg pointed to a strange little object moving toward them on the ground. Satyr knew what it was immediately.
Satyr: Fetus Christ!!!
Yes, the thing was the aborted Jesus Christ. It started moving toward them again at an uncanny speed.
Satyr: We still got 3 minutes left until we are transported back!
Gweg: What are we going to do?
Fetus Christ jumped at Satyr, landing on his face.
Satyr: Get it off of me!
Gweg reached for a stick on the ground and started hitting Fetus Christ with it. Gweg knocked it off, but he still kept on hitting.
Satyr: Stop (ow) it. (ow) You are (ow) hitting (ow) me!
Gweg: Oh, my bad.
Satyr: Fuck it's coming back, but we have ten seconds left.
Gweg: I'll be glad when this is over.
Fetus Christ jumped at them again, but at the same time, they were transported back into Satyr's room.
Satyr: Well, that was fun.
Gweg: Yeah, it sure was.
Gweg looked over the time machine.
Gweg: Let's destroy this thing.
Satyr: But my lunch is in there.
They took apart the time machine. Satyr was sad to see all of his work destroyed, but Gweg couldn't have been happier.
Gweg: All right, let's go see what we changed.
Satyr and Gweg went to the nearest church.
Satyr: What the hell? The till have the crucifix up on the wall. There's a bible, look in it and see what it says.
Gweg picked up the bible and started reading the New Testament.
Gweg: Nothing has changed in here either.
Satyr: What in the hell went wrong?
Voice From Behind: Perhaps I can answer that.
Satyr and Gweg turned around. To their surprise, Fetus Christ stood their in front of them.
Satyr: No fucking way!
Fetus Christ: Yes fucking way. You see, being the son of god has it's benefits. Even though you ended my life in the womb, I was still allowed to live on.
Satyr: But nothing has changed. It still says you died on the cross.
Fetus Christ: No, I remained hidden until today. You see, Mary really wanted a child, so she kidnapped one and raised it as though it would have been me. That is the famous Jesus everyone knows and loves.
Gweg: But how did he get all of your powers? The turning water into wine and all that jazz?
Fetus Christ: Bah, the church turned his simple boring stories into fantastic ones. He never did all that stuff. He certainly never returned from dead 3 days later. That's all myth.
Satyr: But you were supposed to do all of that stuff before we aborted you. How can the exact same thing be pinned on him?
Fetus Christ: You're thinking "Back To The Future". You should be thinking "Prisoner of Azkaban".
Satyr & Gweg: Ahhh.
Fetus Christ: But I'm not here to discuss history and the physics of time. I'm here for revenge!
Fetus Christ leapt at Satyr and attached himself to his face. Gweg ripped him off.
Satyr: Run!
Satyr and Gweg took off in hot pursuit. Fetus Christ remained closely behind.
Satyr: We need to split up. I go left and you go right. He'll follow me. When we are away, go to the hardware store.
Gweg: And do what?
Satyr: Get a nail gun.
So, Satyr and Gweg split up, and sure enough, Fetus Christ continued to follow Satyr.
Gweg ran for tow more blocks and the headed to the hardware store.
Satyr kept on running. He came to the lake in the middle of the city. Satyr knocked a man down who was getting ready to get into his boat.
Satyr: Sorry bud, but this is an emergency.
Satyr started rowing away from the dock. He saw Fetus Christ approach the water.
Satyr: You'll never get me now, Spawn of Satan!
But to Satyr's horror, Fetus Christ started walking on the water.
Satyr: Ah shit, I forgot about that.
Satyr saw somebody on the shore. It was Gweg!
Gweg: I got it!
Satyr started rowing back to the shore. Fetus Christ walked up to the boat.
Fetus Christ: Forgive me Father for what I am about to do.
But before he could do anything, Satyr swung an oar at him and knocked back20 feet.
Satyr laughed and made it to the shore.
Satyr: Quick give me the gun.
Fetus Christ recovered himself and walked to the shore. As he started going toward Satyr and Gweg, Satyr aimed the nail gun.
Satyr: No last supper for you, you son of a bitch!
Satyr pulled the trigger. A nail caught Fetus Christ right in his developing heart. Fetus Christ fell to the ground, dying.
Fetus Christ: Satyr, why have you foresaken me?
Satyr raised up his hoof and brought it down on Fetus Christ's head.
Satyr then scooped the body up in his arms.
Gweg: What are you going to do with that?
Satyr: This is the aborted fetus of the real Jesus Christ. What do you think I'm going to do with it? I'm going to sell it on EBay.
THE END
Sunday, July 31, 2005
The 9/11 Play
Gweg had just come home from the store. For some odd reason, the store wouldn't accept his credit card. Already having a bad day, he wasn't looking forward to spending the rest of it in the company of Virtual Satyr.
When Gweg walked into their apartment, Satyr was on the phone.
Satyr: Good. We'll be there in half an hour. Have two hundred kids waiting for me in the auditorium. Good-bye.
Satyr hung up the phone and turned to Gweg.
Satyr: Good, you're home. Well, saddle up partner, we got some interesting business to take care of.
Gweg: Oh? Are we going to dress up as Jesus and convince a bunch of nuns to have sex with us?
Satyr: You know we already tried that and it didn't work. No, we are going to the Elementary School.
Gweg: Why?
Satyr: I'm going to direct a play.
Gweg: Oh yay. Why exactly do I have to come?
Satyr: Because you are the producer.
Gweg: How am I the producer?
Satyr: I maxed out all of your credit cards to make this play happen.
Gweg: You son-of-a-bitch! So that's why I'm broke. Of all the inconsiderate things...What in the hell did you need that required you to max out my cards?
Satyr: Well, several remote control model airplanes, a few to scale models of the World Trade Plaza, costumes, a directors chair, a bull horn, and this month's issue of Penthouse.
Gweg: What in the hell is this play about?
Satyr: 9/11 of course.
So, half an hour later, a very excited Satyr and a very grumpy Gweg arrived at the elementary school.
There were a little over two hundred kids sitting in the auditorium, all anxious to be apart of the big play.
The Principal was waiting for Satyr.
Principal: Hello Mr. Satyr. I'm glad that you chose this school for your major play.
Satyr: Well, I asked around, and everybody said that this is the school with the most talent.
Principal: Ha! Ha! Oh yes, we do our best to make sure our kids have the best education around.
Satyr: Uh-huh I bet you do. Well anyway, I won't be needing you hanging around, so you can go back into your office an take a nap.
Principal: Sure thing, Mr. Satyr.
Satyr: (through the bullhorn)All right kids. Now, I need all the girls to stand up.
Gweg: Excuse me.
Satyr: What is it?
Gweg: I need to talk to your for a second.
Satyr: All right. (through the bullhorn)Ok kids. I'll be back in just a minute.
Gweg: You do know I'm going to be in dept for the rest of my life.
Satyr: Oh Gweg, you are not thinking of the big picture here.
Gweg: What big picture?
Satyr: When news of my play gets out, every Hollywood Big-Wig will be banging on our door wanting movie rights. We'll be millionaires. This script I have is the likes of which Hollywood has ever dreamed. No one has ever thought of a 9/11 movie before.
Gweg: What are you talking about? Oliver Stone is going to be doing a movie on 9/11.
Satyr: Oliver Stone! That hack? Please. Next, you'll be telling me that Flight 11 wasn't the plane that hit the first tower, it was the plane on the grassy knoll!
Gweg: That doesn't even make sense.
Satyr: Whatever, let me get back to work.
Satyr has the boys sit on one side of the auditorium and the girls sit on another.
Satyr: (through the bullhorn) You there! Little boy! What's your name?
Little Boy: Jaime.
Satyr: All right Jaime, from the looks of it, you are Arab American, which is perfect.
Jaime: I'm Italian-American.
Satyr: Whatever! You will be playing the part of Muhammad. So get up on stage. Also, I need 72 girls up here.
Jaime and a whole bunch of girls get up on the stage.
Satyr: All right, now in this scene, Muhammad has just arrived in Heaven and is greeted by his 72 virgins. Uh you, girl in the back. Yeah you, I know who your mom is and there is no way you are going to be playing a virgin. Get another girl up here.
Gweg: I can't believe you are doing this.
Satyr: Hush. Now, I need 15 boys and 15 girls on the other side of the stage. Now, we will rehearse the part where some of the victims of 9/11 meet with Muhammad and his virgins. This will be the big fight scene that everyone will talk about.
Gweg: I don't doubt that at all.
Satyr: Ok. Action!
The children read off their lines and act out their fights. The scene ends with Muhammad declaring defeat.
Muhammad(Jaime): I have seen the error of my ways. America is the greatest country in the world. I never should have attacked it. I was obviously jealous and mad because I come from a piss-poor country. God bless the USA. Now, we shall all share my virgins.
Satyr: And then all of you cheer. Cut! All right, a little more emotion next time. This scene will be a classic.
Little Boy: Mr. Satyr?
Satyr: Yes?
Little Boy: Uh, are you sure this is the right thing to do. I mean, I'm 11 years old, but even I know this is wrong.
Satyr: Do you know what I'm sitting on?
Little Boy: Uh, it's a chair.
Satyr: Wrong! It's the Director's Chair. Now, get out of here you little shit, you ain't going to be in my play.
The little boy runs off, crying.
Gweg: He does have a point, I mean that was offensive and way over the line.
Satyr: Gweg, you are the money and that's why I have invited you here. However, your opinion means as much to me as a Canadian penny. So shut it.
Gweg: I hate you.
Satyr: All right, next scene. Now in this scene, a fireman will realize his girlfriend is trapped in the first tower. Now, the second tower has already collapsed and it's believed that the first one will too. You boy, you will play the fireman. The fireman's name will be Ashton Cinder.
Gweg: Oh brother.
Satyr: The girl next to you will play your girlfriend, Tulip. And, Action!
The two kids act out their scene. The scene ends with Tulip on the roof of a building next to remaining World Trade Center Tower. She is holding on to Ashton, who is hanging over the side and also suffering a severe wound to his stomach.
Ashton: Promise me you'll never let go Tulip. Promise me you'll never let go.
Tulip: I promise Ash. I'll never let go. I'll never let go Ash.
Satyr: And then Ashton dies from his injuries and Tulip lets him go. At the same time, World Trade Center 1 starts to collapse. And that's the end of the play. Good god, the symbolism there, damn, I am a genius.
Gweg: What symbolism? Besides, that was a blatant rip-off of Titanic. You are a fucking moron.
Satyr: You'll be eating those words when we are making our millions. All right kids, you each have your scripts. Practice, practice practice! The play is in one week. See you all tomorrow.
One Week Later....
After the play was over. Satyr could hear nothing but boos and jeers. One man shouted, "We'll kill you Satyr!". Satyr turned to Gweg with a worried look on his face.
Satyr: This isn't what I had in mind.
Gweg: I told you this was going to be a disaster.
Satyr: We need to get out of here.
Man: Not so fast.
Satyr: (Gulp) Who are you?
Man: I'm a Hollywood Big-Wig and I loved what I saw out there. I want to turn your play into a movie.
Satyr: YES! Ha-Ha. I knew it.
Hollywood Big-Wig: But you're right we need to get out of here. Let's talk in your car.
Satyr: Come on Gweg, let's get in your car.
They all got into Gweg's car. It was a 1961 Lincoln Continental, open-top, modified limousine. Gweg got in the driver's side, Satyr got in the passenger side and Mr. Hollywood Big-Wig got in the back seat.
Mr. HWBW: All right Mr. Satyr, here's the deal. We buy your script, have some big Hollywood director film it, and you and your buddy here make millions of dollars.
Satyr: See Gweg. I told you this would happen.
Gweg: Yeah, you sure did.
Mr. HWBW: When we get to your house, you'll just sign the contract and sit back and watch that....
***BANG***
A gunshot rang out of nowhere. It struck Mr. Hollywood Big-Wig in the head, causing it to go back and to the left.
Satyr: The gunshot came from over there, the book depository!
Gweg: That's not a book depository, that's a McDonald's, idiot. It came from over there, on the grassy knoll.
Satyr: Look there's a man running! It's, it's.....
Gweg & Satyr: It's Oliver Stone!!!!
Oliver Stone: There will be only one 9/11 movie, suckers. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Satyr: Damn you Oliver Stone! Damn you to Hell!!!!!
The End.
When Gweg walked into their apartment, Satyr was on the phone.
Satyr: Good. We'll be there in half an hour. Have two hundred kids waiting for me in the auditorium. Good-bye.
Satyr hung up the phone and turned to Gweg.
Satyr: Good, you're home. Well, saddle up partner, we got some interesting business to take care of.
Gweg: Oh? Are we going to dress up as Jesus and convince a bunch of nuns to have sex with us?
Satyr: You know we already tried that and it didn't work. No, we are going to the Elementary School.
Gweg: Why?
Satyr: I'm going to direct a play.
Gweg: Oh yay. Why exactly do I have to come?
Satyr: Because you are the producer.
Gweg: How am I the producer?
Satyr: I maxed out all of your credit cards to make this play happen.
Gweg: You son-of-a-bitch! So that's why I'm broke. Of all the inconsiderate things...What in the hell did you need that required you to max out my cards?
Satyr: Well, several remote control model airplanes, a few to scale models of the World Trade Plaza, costumes, a directors chair, a bull horn, and this month's issue of Penthouse.
Gweg: What in the hell is this play about?
Satyr: 9/11 of course.
So, half an hour later, a very excited Satyr and a very grumpy Gweg arrived at the elementary school.
There were a little over two hundred kids sitting in the auditorium, all anxious to be apart of the big play.
The Principal was waiting for Satyr.
Principal: Hello Mr. Satyr. I'm glad that you chose this school for your major play.
Satyr: Well, I asked around, and everybody said that this is the school with the most talent.
Principal: Ha! Ha! Oh yes, we do our best to make sure our kids have the best education around.
Satyr: Uh-huh I bet you do. Well anyway, I won't be needing you hanging around, so you can go back into your office an take a nap.
Principal: Sure thing, Mr. Satyr.
Satyr: (through the bullhorn)All right kids. Now, I need all the girls to stand up.
Gweg: Excuse me.
Satyr: What is it?
Gweg: I need to talk to your for a second.
Satyr: All right. (through the bullhorn)Ok kids. I'll be back in just a minute.
Gweg: You do know I'm going to be in dept for the rest of my life.
Satyr: Oh Gweg, you are not thinking of the big picture here.
Gweg: What big picture?
Satyr: When news of my play gets out, every Hollywood Big-Wig will be banging on our door wanting movie rights. We'll be millionaires. This script I have is the likes of which Hollywood has ever dreamed. No one has ever thought of a 9/11 movie before.
Gweg: What are you talking about? Oliver Stone is going to be doing a movie on 9/11.
Satyr: Oliver Stone! That hack? Please. Next, you'll be telling me that Flight 11 wasn't the plane that hit the first tower, it was the plane on the grassy knoll!
Gweg: That doesn't even make sense.
Satyr: Whatever, let me get back to work.
Satyr has the boys sit on one side of the auditorium and the girls sit on another.
Satyr: (through the bullhorn) You there! Little boy! What's your name?
Little Boy: Jaime.
Satyr: All right Jaime, from the looks of it, you are Arab American, which is perfect.
Jaime: I'm Italian-American.
Satyr: Whatever! You will be playing the part of Muhammad. So get up on stage. Also, I need 72 girls up here.
Jaime and a whole bunch of girls get up on the stage.
Satyr: All right, now in this scene, Muhammad has just arrived in Heaven and is greeted by his 72 virgins. Uh you, girl in the back. Yeah you, I know who your mom is and there is no way you are going to be playing a virgin. Get another girl up here.
Gweg: I can't believe you are doing this.
Satyr: Hush. Now, I need 15 boys and 15 girls on the other side of the stage. Now, we will rehearse the part where some of the victims of 9/11 meet with Muhammad and his virgins. This will be the big fight scene that everyone will talk about.
Gweg: I don't doubt that at all.
Satyr: Ok. Action!
The children read off their lines and act out their fights. The scene ends with Muhammad declaring defeat.
Muhammad(Jaime): I have seen the error of my ways. America is the greatest country in the world. I never should have attacked it. I was obviously jealous and mad because I come from a piss-poor country. God bless the USA. Now, we shall all share my virgins.
Satyr: And then all of you cheer. Cut! All right, a little more emotion next time. This scene will be a classic.
Little Boy: Mr. Satyr?
Satyr: Yes?
Little Boy: Uh, are you sure this is the right thing to do. I mean, I'm 11 years old, but even I know this is wrong.
Satyr: Do you know what I'm sitting on?
Little Boy: Uh, it's a chair.
Satyr: Wrong! It's the Director's Chair. Now, get out of here you little shit, you ain't going to be in my play.
The little boy runs off, crying.
Gweg: He does have a point, I mean that was offensive and way over the line.
Satyr: Gweg, you are the money and that's why I have invited you here. However, your opinion means as much to me as a Canadian penny. So shut it.
Gweg: I hate you.
Satyr: All right, next scene. Now in this scene, a fireman will realize his girlfriend is trapped in the first tower. Now, the second tower has already collapsed and it's believed that the first one will too. You boy, you will play the fireman. The fireman's name will be Ashton Cinder.
Gweg: Oh brother.
Satyr: The girl next to you will play your girlfriend, Tulip. And, Action!
The two kids act out their scene. The scene ends with Tulip on the roof of a building next to remaining World Trade Center Tower. She is holding on to Ashton, who is hanging over the side and also suffering a severe wound to his stomach.
Ashton: Promise me you'll never let go Tulip. Promise me you'll never let go.
Tulip: I promise Ash. I'll never let go. I'll never let go Ash.
Satyr: And then Ashton dies from his injuries and Tulip lets him go. At the same time, World Trade Center 1 starts to collapse. And that's the end of the play. Good god, the symbolism there, damn, I am a genius.
Gweg: What symbolism? Besides, that was a blatant rip-off of Titanic. You are a fucking moron.
Satyr: You'll be eating those words when we are making our millions. All right kids, you each have your scripts. Practice, practice practice! The play is in one week. See you all tomorrow.
One Week Later....
After the play was over. Satyr could hear nothing but boos and jeers. One man shouted, "We'll kill you Satyr!". Satyr turned to Gweg with a worried look on his face.
Satyr: This isn't what I had in mind.
Gweg: I told you this was going to be a disaster.
Satyr: We need to get out of here.
Man: Not so fast.
Satyr: (Gulp) Who are you?
Man: I'm a Hollywood Big-Wig and I loved what I saw out there. I want to turn your play into a movie.
Satyr: YES! Ha-Ha. I knew it.
Hollywood Big-Wig: But you're right we need to get out of here. Let's talk in your car.
Satyr: Come on Gweg, let's get in your car.
They all got into Gweg's car. It was a 1961 Lincoln Continental, open-top, modified limousine. Gweg got in the driver's side, Satyr got in the passenger side and Mr. Hollywood Big-Wig got in the back seat.
Mr. HWBW: All right Mr. Satyr, here's the deal. We buy your script, have some big Hollywood director film it, and you and your buddy here make millions of dollars.
Satyr: See Gweg. I told you this would happen.
Gweg: Yeah, you sure did.
Mr. HWBW: When we get to your house, you'll just sign the contract and sit back and watch that....
***BANG***
A gunshot rang out of nowhere. It struck Mr. Hollywood Big-Wig in the head, causing it to go back and to the left.
Satyr: The gunshot came from over there, the book depository!
Gweg: That's not a book depository, that's a McDonald's, idiot. It came from over there, on the grassy knoll.
Satyr: Look there's a man running! It's, it's.....
Gweg & Satyr: It's Oliver Stone!!!!
Oliver Stone: There will be only one 9/11 movie, suckers. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Satyr: Damn you Oliver Stone! Damn you to Hell!!!!!
The End.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Fallopian Tube Harry
On this particular day, we find our intrepid hero, The Virtual Satyr, and his ever faithful sidekick, Gweg, going to the local burger joint to get some grub. Unknown to our brave heroes, trouble is waiting for them there.
Satyr: Oh shit!
Gweg: What is it?
Satyr: Do you see the cook back there?
Gweg: Where?...Oh, my god, what the hell is that?
What Gweg was looking at was a giant part of the female anatomy. Except it had arms and legs.
Satyr: That is Fallopian Tube Harry .
Gweg: What the hell?
Satyr: I used to date him...Well, back before he had his sex change.
Gweg: This is all starting to be too much for me.
Satyr: He used to be a she...And her name was Testicle Tina.
Gweg: Let me get this straight: You used to date a walking pair of balls, which, for some odd reason, was female...Then this pair of balls got a sex change, and became a male set of Fallopian tubes.
Satyr: Yep.
Gweg: This fucked up beyond anything I have seen or heard while in your company.
Satyr: Yeah, well if you think this is weird you ain't.....oh shit, he saw me!
Fallopian Tube Harry walks over to Satyr & Gweg's table.
Harry: Well, well. well. What have we here. It's Satyr and his new boyfriend. Watch out boy, he'll break your heart.
Satyr: Gweg is not my boyfriend.
Gweg: I need to use the restroom.
Gweg got out of his chair and ran to the bathroom.
Harry: Good we're alone. We can talk about old times.
Satyr: I don't want to talk about any times. I just came here to eat, but now my appetite is ruined.
Harry: What happened to us? We were in love.
Satyr: I was blind for three years from the fire extiguisher accident. I didn't know you were a walking pair of testicles.
Harry: Didn't you find it odd that my name was "Testicle Tina"?
Satyr: I thought you were named that because you were a whore, not because you were a set of balls.
Harry: I had always believed that love would blind you from my appearance.
Satyr: That's bullshit. I still recall the horror of looking at you for the first time. If you hadn't stopped me from grabbing the fire extinguisher from the wall, we may have been able to work things out.
Harry: But I changed, I changed for you!
Satyr: Yes, the sex change was touching, but it also gave you a male personality!
Harry: I can't live without you! I won't live without you. We will spend eternity together, IN HELL!!!!
Fallopian Tube Harry then pulled out a gun and pointed it at Satyr. At that time, Gweg was coming out of the bathroom.
Satyr yelled out at him.
Satyr: Gweg get the gun!
Gweg ran at Harry, tackling him to the ground. As they wrestled, the gun went off.
Gweg got up.
Gweg: The gun went off in his hand, he's been shot.
Fallopian Tube Harry laid on the ground, bleeding.
Harry: I will always love you Satyr.
Fallopian Tube Harry Died there on the floor.
Satyr: You know something, all that excitement brought my appetite back.
Satyr grabbed his fork and started eating Fallopian Tube Harry.
Gweg: What in the Blue Fucking Hell are you doing?!?!
Satyr: Sorry Gweg. What was I thinking? We need to cook it first.
Satyr: Oh shit!
Gweg: What is it?
Satyr: Do you see the cook back there?
Gweg: Where?...Oh, my god, what the hell is that?
What Gweg was looking at was a giant part of the female anatomy. Except it had arms and legs.
Satyr: That is Fallopian Tube Harry .
Gweg: What the hell?
Satyr: I used to date him...Well, back before he had his sex change.
Gweg: This is all starting to be too much for me.
Satyr: He used to be a she...And her name was Testicle Tina.
Gweg: Let me get this straight: You used to date a walking pair of balls, which, for some odd reason, was female...Then this pair of balls got a sex change, and became a male set of Fallopian tubes.
Satyr: Yep.
Gweg: This fucked up beyond anything I have seen or heard while in your company.
Satyr: Yeah, well if you think this is weird you ain't.....oh shit, he saw me!
Fallopian Tube Harry walks over to Satyr & Gweg's table.
Harry: Well, well. well. What have we here. It's Satyr and his new boyfriend. Watch out boy, he'll break your heart.
Satyr: Gweg is not my boyfriend.
Gweg: I need to use the restroom.
Gweg got out of his chair and ran to the bathroom.
Harry: Good we're alone. We can talk about old times.
Satyr: I don't want to talk about any times. I just came here to eat, but now my appetite is ruined.
Harry: What happened to us? We were in love.
Satyr: I was blind for three years from the fire extiguisher accident. I didn't know you were a walking pair of testicles.
Harry: Didn't you find it odd that my name was "Testicle Tina"?
Satyr: I thought you were named that because you were a whore, not because you were a set of balls.
Harry: I had always believed that love would blind you from my appearance.
Satyr: That's bullshit. I still recall the horror of looking at you for the first time. If you hadn't stopped me from grabbing the fire extinguisher from the wall, we may have been able to work things out.
Harry: But I changed, I changed for you!
Satyr: Yes, the sex change was touching, but it also gave you a male personality!
Harry: I can't live without you! I won't live without you. We will spend eternity together, IN HELL!!!!
Fallopian Tube Harry then pulled out a gun and pointed it at Satyr. At that time, Gweg was coming out of the bathroom.
Satyr yelled out at him.
Satyr: Gweg get the gun!
Gweg ran at Harry, tackling him to the ground. As they wrestled, the gun went off.
Gweg got up.
Gweg: The gun went off in his hand, he's been shot.
Fallopian Tube Harry laid on the ground, bleeding.
Harry: I will always love you Satyr.
Fallopian Tube Harry Died there on the floor.
Satyr: You know something, all that excitement brought my appetite back.
Satyr grabbed his fork and started eating Fallopian Tube Harry.
Gweg: What in the Blue Fucking Hell are you doing?!?!
Satyr: Sorry Gweg. What was I thinking? We need to cook it first.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
A Comatose's Midnight Dream
German cardinal elected new pope
Ratzinger to be known as Benedict XVI
VATICAN CITY (CNN) -- Wearing traditional papal robes and a large smile, Joseph Ratzinger of Germany appeared Tuesday on a Vatican balcony as the 265th pontiff, Benedict XVI, as tens of thousands gathered in St. Peter's Square to cheer him.
Gweg put down his paper as Satyr entered the room.
Satyr: What were you reading that was so interesting?
Gweg: They elected a new pope.
Satyr: They did what?
Gweg: They got a new pope. His name Ratzinger.
Satyr: Those sons-of-bitches. I should have been the new pope.
Gweg: Why you?
Satyr: Because I would have taught those Christians a thing or two.
Gweg: They are Catholics.
Satyr: Whatever. There is only one thing to do now, I must go to the Vatican and challenge the new pope.
Gweg: Oh goodie.
And so it was, Satyr & Gweg went to Vatican City.
As soon as they got off their plane, they heard a strange female voice that seemed to come from everywhere.
Strange Female Voice: WHY ARE THEY LETTING ME SUFFER?
Satyr: Eh, that was weird.
Satyr & Gweg arrived at the Vatican where Pope Benedict was giving a speech.
Pope Benedict: Yeah, dat is good. We shall rain down much hell on all the infidels.
Satyr: Yo, Pope! You and me are going brawl, winner take all!
Pope Ben: Yah, bring it on ya chump.
Satyr leapt from the ground, reached behind his back, drew a sword, and used it to cut off Pope Ben's head.
As the head landed on the ground, circuitry could be seen coming up from the decapitated Pope's body. The head landed amidst a bunch of sparks.
Satyr: Son of a monkeyfucker on acid. It was a Pope Bot.
Satyr heard a voice high above him. It was the real Pope Ben shouting from a window.
Pope Ben: Ha ha silly Satyr, you will never defeat me. There are plenty more Pope Bots where dat came from.
Gweg: Well, this was a waste of time.
Satyr: It's not over yet. I have one more trick up my sleeve. Come on.
Gweg and Satyr went over to St. Peter's Basilica, where they bury the popes. When they got there, they heard the strange female voice again.
Strange Female Voice: JUST LET ME DIE! PLEASE LET ME DIE!
Satyr: Man, that is really starting to creep me out.
Gweg: What are we doing here?
Satyr: We satyrs have many great abilities. Such as the one you are about to witness.
Gweg: Damn, I wish I had brought popcorn.
Satyr gave Gweg a scornful look and then got down on his knees.
Satyr: Oh wise and strong Pope John Paul, please come and help us.
Pope John Paul's Ghost: What's da matta wit you?
Satyr: I need your help to defeat the new evil Nazi pope.
Pope JP's Ghost: Why shoulda I helpa you?
Satyr: He called Castro a bitch.
Pope JP's Ghost: Let'sa kicka his ass.
Gweg: Why do you have a bad Italian accent? You were Polish.
Pope: Hey, I'm dead. It's about time I get to make fun of that accent.
Satyr, Gweg, & Pope John Paul's Ghost get back to the front of Vatican City. Satyr calls out Pope Ben.
After he does that, 12 Popebots come out and confront them.
Satyr: Crap, there's too many.
Pope JP's Ghost: It's ok Satyr, the real one is there with them, he's the second one from the left.
Satyr whips out his AK-47 and puts about 50 rounds into the body of Pope Benedict.
Satyr: The Pope is dead! Long live Pope Satyr!
The Popebots look at the smoking corpse of Pope Ben and start talking to each other, then all of the sudden, they combine into one giant Popebot!
Giant Popebot: We are Mega Popezoid! We will kill you!
Satyr: Oh shit.
Pope JP's Ghost: Quick, follow me!
Pope Jp leads Satyr to the Vatican's parking lot where sits the famous Popemobile. Satyrand Pope JP climbed inside.
Satyr: How is this supposed to keep me safe?
Pope JP's Ghost: I don't know, I always felt safe in it.
Satyr: The Mega Popezoid will crush me in this thing!
Pope JP's Ghost: Eh, it won't hurt me, I'm just a ghost.
Satyr: That's it. The Power of Pan Compels You!
After Saty said that, the ghost of Pope John Paul banished in thin air. Satyr heard the Mega Popezoid coming closer and hurried out of the Popemobile. As he climbed out, he saw a strange button behind the gas cap. Satyr pushed it.
The Popemobile suddenly turned into a giant robot! It was a transformer. As the Mega Popezoid came into view, the Popemobile instantly took it's battle stance in what would have been the greatest robot fight since R2-D2 VS. H.E.R.B.I.E.
But something strange started happening. The sky started getting dark. Gweg ran up to Satyr screaming.
Gweg: This isn't real! It's all fake! It's all going fast!
Satyr: What!
Then they heard a new voice that seemed to come from everywhere. This voice was male.
Strange Male Voice: Finally, she can rest in peace.
And everything went black.
Terri Schiavo has died
Thursday, March 31, 2005 Posted: 10:07 AM EST (1507 GMT)
WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Terri Schiavo, the 41-year-old brain-damaged woman who became the centerpiece of a national right-to-die battle, died Thursday morning, nearly two weeks after doctors removed the feeding tube that had sustained her for more than a decade.
Gweg put down his paper as Satyr entered the room.
Satyr: What were you reading that was so interesting?
Gweg: Terri Schiavo died.
Satyr: Well it's about damn time.
Gweg: That's a bit insensitive.
Satyr: What? She was suffering, I said a long time ago they should just let her rest in peace.
Gweg: Oh. Well, it's usually bad stuff that comes from your mouth.
Satyr: Whatever. Hey, I bet you ten bucks that Pope John Paul is the next one to kick the bucket.
Ratzinger to be known as Benedict XVI
VATICAN CITY (CNN) -- Wearing traditional papal robes and a large smile, Joseph Ratzinger of Germany appeared Tuesday on a Vatican balcony as the 265th pontiff, Benedict XVI, as tens of thousands gathered in St. Peter's Square to cheer him.
Gweg put down his paper as Satyr entered the room.
Satyr: What were you reading that was so interesting?
Gweg: They elected a new pope.
Satyr: They did what?
Gweg: They got a new pope. His name Ratzinger.
Satyr: Those sons-of-bitches. I should have been the new pope.
Gweg: Why you?
Satyr: Because I would have taught those Christians a thing or two.
Gweg: They are Catholics.
Satyr: Whatever. There is only one thing to do now, I must go to the Vatican and challenge the new pope.
Gweg: Oh goodie.
And so it was, Satyr & Gweg went to Vatican City.
As soon as they got off their plane, they heard a strange female voice that seemed to come from everywhere.
Strange Female Voice: WHY ARE THEY LETTING ME SUFFER?
Satyr: Eh, that was weird.
Satyr & Gweg arrived at the Vatican where Pope Benedict was giving a speech.
Pope Benedict: Yeah, dat is good. We shall rain down much hell on all the infidels.
Satyr: Yo, Pope! You and me are going brawl, winner take all!
Pope Ben: Yah, bring it on ya chump.
Satyr leapt from the ground, reached behind his back, drew a sword, and used it to cut off Pope Ben's head.
As the head landed on the ground, circuitry could be seen coming up from the decapitated Pope's body. The head landed amidst a bunch of sparks.
Satyr: Son of a monkeyfucker on acid. It was a Pope Bot.
Satyr heard a voice high above him. It was the real Pope Ben shouting from a window.
Pope Ben: Ha ha silly Satyr, you will never defeat me. There are plenty more Pope Bots where dat came from.
Gweg: Well, this was a waste of time.
Satyr: It's not over yet. I have one more trick up my sleeve. Come on.
Gweg and Satyr went over to St. Peter's Basilica, where they bury the popes. When they got there, they heard the strange female voice again.
Strange Female Voice: JUST LET ME DIE! PLEASE LET ME DIE!
Satyr: Man, that is really starting to creep me out.
Gweg: What are we doing here?
Satyr: We satyrs have many great abilities. Such as the one you are about to witness.
Gweg: Damn, I wish I had brought popcorn.
Satyr gave Gweg a scornful look and then got down on his knees.
Satyr: Oh wise and strong Pope John Paul, please come and help us.
Pope John Paul's Ghost: What's da matta wit you?
Satyr: I need your help to defeat the new evil Nazi pope.
Pope JP's Ghost: Why shoulda I helpa you?
Satyr: He called Castro a bitch.
Pope JP's Ghost: Let'sa kicka his ass.
Gweg: Why do you have a bad Italian accent? You were Polish.
Pope: Hey, I'm dead. It's about time I get to make fun of that accent.
Satyr, Gweg, & Pope John Paul's Ghost get back to the front of Vatican City. Satyr calls out Pope Ben.
After he does that, 12 Popebots come out and confront them.
Satyr: Crap, there's too many.
Pope JP's Ghost: It's ok Satyr, the real one is there with them, he's the second one from the left.
Satyr whips out his AK-47 and puts about 50 rounds into the body of Pope Benedict.
Satyr: The Pope is dead! Long live Pope Satyr!
The Popebots look at the smoking corpse of Pope Ben and start talking to each other, then all of the sudden, they combine into one giant Popebot!
Giant Popebot: We are Mega Popezoid! We will kill you!
Satyr: Oh shit.
Pope JP's Ghost: Quick, follow me!
Pope Jp leads Satyr to the Vatican's parking lot where sits the famous Popemobile. Satyrand Pope JP climbed inside.
Satyr: How is this supposed to keep me safe?
Pope JP's Ghost: I don't know, I always felt safe in it.
Satyr: The Mega Popezoid will crush me in this thing!
Pope JP's Ghost: Eh, it won't hurt me, I'm just a ghost.
Satyr: That's it. The Power of Pan Compels You!
After Saty said that, the ghost of Pope John Paul banished in thin air. Satyr heard the Mega Popezoid coming closer and hurried out of the Popemobile. As he climbed out, he saw a strange button behind the gas cap. Satyr pushed it.
The Popemobile suddenly turned into a giant robot! It was a transformer. As the Mega Popezoid came into view, the Popemobile instantly took it's battle stance in what would have been the greatest robot fight since R2-D2 VS. H.E.R.B.I.E.
But something strange started happening. The sky started getting dark. Gweg ran up to Satyr screaming.
Gweg: This isn't real! It's all fake! It's all going fast!
Satyr: What!
Then they heard a new voice that seemed to come from everywhere. This voice was male.
Strange Male Voice: Finally, she can rest in peace.
And everything went black.
Terri Schiavo has died
Thursday, March 31, 2005 Posted: 10:07 AM EST (1507 GMT)
WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Terri Schiavo, the 41-year-old brain-damaged woman who became the centerpiece of a national right-to-die battle, died Thursday morning, nearly two weeks after doctors removed the feeding tube that had sustained her for more than a decade.
Gweg put down his paper as Satyr entered the room.
Satyr: What were you reading that was so interesting?
Gweg: Terri Schiavo died.
Satyr: Well it's about damn time.
Gweg: That's a bit insensitive.
Satyr: What? She was suffering, I said a long time ago they should just let her rest in peace.
Gweg: Oh. Well, it's usually bad stuff that comes from your mouth.
Satyr: Whatever. Hey, I bet you ten bucks that Pope John Paul is the next one to kick the bucket.
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