The Dark Lord Zexotellian

The apartment was quiet. A little too quiet. Gweg had decided to take a morning jog. When he left, Satyr was still in bed, with his alarm clock going off. Gweg expected to come home to find Satyr up to something, but the apartment seemed empty.

Gweg then realized it was Thursday. For the past few months, Satyr disappeared for several hours every Thursday. Satyr never said what he was up to and Gweg never bothered to ask.

He decided to make most of the alone time he had today. Maybe he could get some cleaning done. Or organize some shelves. Or catch up on some reading.

Gweg: You know what? Fuck it all, I'm just going to be lazy today. I'm going to mess around on the computer.

And he did. And why not? Satyr hogged it most of the time.

Gweg spent the next couple of hours playing games and checking out websites that pertained to his interests.

Gweg was starting to get bored and decided to check out a chat room. Unfortunately, Gweg was a little naive to the whole chat room experience, and he accidently entered a gothic chat room.

*gweg has entered the room*
lestatlover666: hello gweg
gweg: Hi.
lestatlover666: how r u.
gweg: I'm fine. How are you?
lestatlover666: depressed miserable suicidal...the usual
xxxdemondogxxx: i have a new knife. it cuts my skin really good. i shall bleed a lot.
lestatlover666: how often do u cut yourself gweg?
gweg: Never.
lestatlover666: lol. then what do u do to deal with the pain?
gweg: I just deal with it.
reapersimage: the pain draws our spirits together. we are one in the darkness. we are one in his eyes!
xxxdemondogxxx: i can feel the pain. the pain has kept me alive. cutting brings the pain.
gweg: I think I'm in the wrong chatroom.
lestatlover666: no you are not. i can feel your pain gweg. what is it?
gweg: Well, my roommate is a major pain in the ass.
reapersimage: you wish to rid yourself of this pain?
gweg: I would like to.
lestatlover666: we can help you.
reapersimage: HE can help you!
gweg: Who?
reapersimage: The Dark Lord Zexotellian!
lestatlover666: ALL HAIL THE DARK LORD!
xxxdemondogxxx: all hail the dark lord. dark lord zexotellian he is our dark lord
reapersimage: just give us the word, and we will call him to you.
gweg: Yeah. You have my word.
*gweg has left the room*


Gweg quickly logged out of the room and left the computer. He couldn't believe some of the psychos on the internet.

Gweg went out into the kitchen to make himself a sandwich. As he was getting into the fridge, he heard a loud boom coming from the front room.

Gweg ran into the room to see what it was. There was a bunch of black smoke. After it dwindled out, Gweg saw a 6 and a half foot tall handsome man, with jet black hair. He was wearing a three piece suit that was as black as his hair.

The Man: Hello. I am Zexotellian. I am the dark lord of the 7th Netherworld. There are 218 in all. I'm going to go ahead and assume you are Gweg.

Gweg: Yes I am. But, I didn't really want you here. The people in the chat room said they were going to get you, but I though they were stoned or something.

Zexotellian: Those dickweed little goths! The fucking did it to me again. My agent told me, "Zexo, if you ever want to rule the 1st Netherworld, you need to advertise more. " So he suggested making myself a website. And the only people who visit are these pathetic goths.

Gweg: Uh, I'm sorry. Well, I really don't need you.

Zexotellian: Whoa! You just wait one little second there. I'm not some sort of second rate clown act that you can just call up every time you want to impress your friends.

Gweg: But I didn't.

Zexotellian: I don't care wether or not you did. The fact is, you told those little ass munching goths you needed something taken care of. And they called me up to do it for you.

Gweg: It was all a misunderstanding.

Zexotellian: Hey! I'm Zexotellian. Ruler of the 7th Netherworld, ok? Now, that's not something you are born into or handed to on a silver platter, ok? I had to work my ass off. I took over the 115th Netherworld when I was 2025 years old. And I have since worked my way up to the 7th. Now most Dark Lords, once the rule a Netherworld, they are content on staying there. Not me. When people hear the name "Zexotellian", they are going to think of "success"!

Gweg: When I saw your name, I thought that kid was smoking some serious fucking crack.

Zexotellian: Listen here mortal! I'm tired of people thinking they can have their way with me! I'm not your momma. I'm not going to bend over and grab my ankles just because you called me up wanting a good time! You look at the history of this world! Most of the major events in this world happened because of the Dark Lords. And I was responsible for a few of those myself. But only one of the Dark Lords managed to make himself famous. Only because he carved his name into a tree. That moss licking son-of-a-bitch Croatoan!

Gweg: Listen. I'm sorry, but I don't need your help. I only told those goths that I had a problem with my roommate.

Zexotellian: So, you want your roommate dead, huh?

Gweg: Well yeah, but I don't need you to kill him.

Zexotellian: Oh, I'm sorry Gweg. You see, I have to do it. I won't leave until the job I am called upon to do is done. But I'll tell you now, there is a small price to pay for my services.

Gweg: And what price is that?

Zexotellian: Well, usually depends on what kind of job it is. For offing a person, the price is a small sacrifice.

Gweg: What sacrifice.

Zexotellian: Mainly, killing everybody in your whole town.

Gweg: Hey now! I didn't want you here! This is bullshit! You're not welcome, so go back to your little Netherworld and leave me alone.

Zexotellian: Do I have to remind you that I am a Dark Lord. That I am the ruler of the 7th Netherworld. That's the 7th, mind you. I will rule the first and send that two-bit log smoking Croatoan out on his tree hugging ass!

Gweg: Yeah. that's good and all. But, it still doesn't change the fact that you are not wanted here.

Zexotellian: Well, you sound like a whinny little good for nothing loser. No wonder you were in that chat room. Now, where is your roommate at?

Gweg: I don't know where he is. He always disappears on Thursdays.

Zexotellian: Oh, he disappeared? Is he a magician?

Gweg: No, he's a satyr.

Zexotellian: Oh goodie. I get to deal with a loud mouth satyr. Oh well. I'm going to go get a bite to eat at McDonald's. If this Satyr is not here when I get back, I'll just have to hunt him down.

Zexotellian left the apartment. Gweg sat down on the couch. He had never been this worried before in his life. He had no idea how he was going to stop Zexotellian from killing Satyr and then everyone else in town.

Five minutes later. Satyr came home.

Satyr: I'll tell you what Gweg, I'm glad the finally got both lanes open on Main Street now. I was passing those slow ass fuckers like there was no tomorrow. Anyway, I got pulled over. Can I borrow 120 dollars?

Gweg: We are in some deep shit.

Satyr: No were not. It's only my third ticket this year.

Gweg: Not that.

Gweg told him what happened.

Satyr: So, you called up a dark lord to kill me huh? And after all that I have done for you!

Gweg: I didn't call him up! The freaking goths did!

Satyr: All right. It's ok. I've had a dealing with a Dark Lord myself once. A little over 400 years ago, when I was banished here to Earth, I lived in this little colony. Anyway, the father of some chick I was doing wanted to kill me, so I asked the local Indians for a favor. They called upon the god they worshipped and it turned out to be a Dark Lord. Anyway, he killed the father and then the whole town.

Gweg: That's what he said. After he kills you, he will kill everyone else in town.

Satyr: Bad deal huh? Well, there's got to be something about it on the net. You said he had a website?

Gweg: Yeah.

Satyr: All right. Let's get to work.

Satyr got on the computer and typed in www.zexotellian.com. The website he got featured a lot of propaganda about Zexotellian, but nothing that would help them.

Satyr: Don't fret Gweg. You can find everything on the net. How long do you think he'll be out?

Gweg: I don't know. He only left because you weren't here. Which reminds me, where were you?

Satyr: The same place I've been going to every Thursday for the past five months.

Gweg: Where's that?

Satyr: The Children's Hospital.

Gweg was shocked to hear this.

Gweg: What are you doing there?

Satyr: There's this little boy named Michael there. He's dying of cancer. So every Thursday, I go over there and play games with him. He's a fun kid.

Gweg couldn't believe what he was hearing. This was a side of Satyr that he had never seen. He wondered why Satyr had kept this from him.

Gweg: I have to admit, I never expected that from you. That you would be kind enough to give this kid some happiness before he dies is remarkable. I take back every bad thing I ever said about you.

Satyr: I wouldn't be doing it if his mother wasn't so goddamn hot. As soon as the kid croaks, she's going to want a shoulder to cry on. And then she's going need some therapy. Some "8 inches of making her want to scream" therapy.

Gweg: I'm starting to think sacrificing the whole town would be worth it.

Satyr: Ah! Here we go. Good ol' Wikipedia. According to this, a Dark Lord will not return to his Netherworld until the task he has been called upon is finished. When he is called upon to kill somebody, he is required by Netherworld law to kill the remaining people in the town after he has killed the target. It is unknown why this is. However, if the Dark Lord kills somebody before the target, he will have to immediately return to his Netherworld where he will be reprimanded.

Gweg: So, we have to get him to kill somebody else before he kills you?

Satyr: Looks that way.

Gweg: God, this is horrible.

Satyr: Don't worry. I know what to do. Tell Zexotellian when he comes back that I will coming home shortly.

Gweg: What are you going to do?

Satyr: Just stay here. I'll be back in a little bit and this whole sordid mess will be behind us.


Satyr left. About 15 minutes after he was gone. Zexotellian came back.

Zexotellian. Well. I see your satyr friend hasn't come back yet.

Gweg: He called a little bit ago. He's on his way.

Zexotellian: Good. Let me tell you something, the people that are working at your McDonald's are a bunch of ignorant little puss bags. I get up to the counter and I order a Big Mac. Now, I hate that middle bun they have in there. So I tell this greasy fat little thing that's taking my order to make sure they don't put in the middle bun. And what do they do? They put in the middle bun. So, I take my sandwich back up there and I show it to the girl. I asked her, "What is this?" and she looks at me as though I asked her what the square root of 56,000 was. I tell her, "I want a Big Mac without the middle bun." And this little pimply pig of a bitch tells me, If I don't like it, I can just take it off myself. So I demand to see her manager. Her manager comes strolling up, this dipshit little homo, and I tell him, "Listen here. I'm the Dark Lord Zexotellian. I am the ruler of the 7th Netherworld, and I demand a refund!" And then he has the audacity to....

Gweg decided to stop listening there. He figured Zexotellian would go on and on until Satyr got back. He hoped to hell that Satyr knew what he was doing.


Meanwhile.

Satyr arrived at the Children's Hospital.

Michael: Hiya Mr. Satyr! What are you doing back here?

Satyr: Well, I talked to your mommy and your doctor, and they agreed to let you spend a few hours with me outside the hospital!

Michael: Oh boy! I can't wait! It's been so long since I've been outside. You are my hero Mr. Satyr!

Satyr: No, you're my hero Michael. I wish I had had the strength you have.

Michael: Do you really mean that Mr. Satyr?

Satyr: Yes I do Michael. Do you want to play a fun game?

Michael: You bet! What kind of game?

Satyr: We are going to play a fun trick on somebody.

Michael: What are we going to do?

Satyr: You get to dress up like a satyr and pretend to be me!

Michael: That sounds like fun Mr. Satyr!

Satyr: You know it! Come on.

And later, back at the apartment.

Zexotellian: So, the little faggot has called the cops on me. I let go of the bitch and I tell her she should have enjoyed that because that's the only time a man is ever going to get that close to her. So the cops show up and they start asking questions, so I put them in a trance....

Gweg droned him out again. He though he heard somebody talking outside the door.

Outside the door.

Satyr: Ok Michael. Now run in there and say, "Hey Gweg, I'm home!"

Michael: This doesn't sound like a very fun trick Mr. Satyr.

Satyr: Trust me. Have I ever let you down before?

Michael: No.


Michael ran into the room screaming what Satyr told him to say.

Zexotellian: Ah-ha! Time to die, Satyr!

Gweg: No wait! That's not...

But it was too late. Zexotellian shot some sort of energy wave out at Michael. It struck him and wrapped itself around him, squeezing him until all the life was sucked out of him.

Zexotellian: Oh shit. Something's wrong.

Zexotellian started shaking and black smoked appeared underneath him.

Satyr entered the room.

Satyr: So long, sucker!

Zexotellian: No! You can't do this to me! I'm Zexotell....

The black smoke completely surrounded him, a moment later, the smoke and Zexotellian were gone.

Gweg: Don't tell me that was the cancer kid.

Satyr: It was.

Gweg: How could you do that to him?

Satyr: What? He was going to die anyway. And now it wasn't in vain. God, you are such a pessimistic. No wonder you were visiting gothic chat rooms.

The End.