Jeremy: Hey, you're the new guy right?
Gweg: Yep, that's me.
It was Gweg's first day at his new job. He was hired on at one of the bigger companies in the town. He was on his lunch break and sharing the break room with one of his new co-workers.
Jeremy: You did a lot of freelance work right? Why come to work here in these boring offices? Not raking in enough?
Gweg: Nope. I just needed to get out of my apartment more. My roommate is annoying as hell.
Jeremy: Tell me about it. My roommate is annoying too. But I can't kick her out, Because I'm married to her.
Jerermy and Gweg shared a laugh.
Jeremy: What about you, Gweg? Got a special somebody in your life?
Gweg: Nope, I'm single.
Jeremy: Yeah, that's the way to go. Me and the wife have been at each other's throats because I want her to convert over to my new religion.
Gweg: Yeah, religion is always a touchy subject.
Jeremy: I don't know why she won't convert, I mean we get these cool bracelets and everything.
Jeremy held up his hand for Gweg to see. Around his hand was a red rubber band. Gweg made a polite comment about it, but couldn't help think about how stupid it was to wear a rubber band for a bracelet.
Then Gweg realized something. Most of the staff he had come across that day had been wearing rubber bands. In fact, his boss, Mr. Merkin, had been wearing a rubber band.
Jeremy continued on, talking about the rubber band.
Jeremy: Yep, the color of your bracelet signifies your stance in the church. Red means that I'm still virgin blood. I get to move up in color after I get somebody to convert.
Gweg had always rolled his eyes at these kooky religions he was always hearing about. But Gweg had decided he wanted to get along with everybody he worked for, so he pretended to be interested.
Gweg: What color comes next.
Jeremy: Pink. The Leader says that pink signifies the color of blood mixing in with the white of a bed sheet. When you get a pink bracelet, that mean you have popped your cherry, so to speak.
Gweg: So, this religion is pretty popular in this company. I mean I've seen several people wearing the, uh, bracelets.
Jeremy: Yeah. Mr. Merkin started doing the religion and we all followed suit. And if you want to get somewhere in this company, you'll do the same.
Jeremy gave Gweg a cautious look and left the break room.
Gweg didn't like what Jeremy had just said at all. In truth, his freelancing wasn't paying much at all. And the company was the best paying employer in town. And the only one that really catered to his skills.
He would have been hired on a couple of years earlier, but fate had intervened, and Gweg wasn't able to get the job.
Gweg certainly didn't want to convert to a religion to keep his job, but the the more he thought about it, the more he realized it wouldn't be so bad. If there was a hell, Gweg was definitely going there. Gweg was more certain about that than anything. Satyr had seen to that. The very fact that he was living with Satyr had already guaranteed him a one way ticket into hell.
Gweg realized he didn't even know what the religion was called. He left the break room and took out after Jeremy.
Gweg: Hey Jeremy, wait up!
Jeremy: Yeah?
Gweg: What's the religion called?
Jeremy: Satyrism.
Jeremy took off running. He ran straight to Mr. Merkin's office.
Jeremy: I don't think that new guy is going to work out.
Mr. Merkin: Gweg? Why not?
Jeremy: When I told him about Satyrism, well...
Mr. Merkin: Well what?
Jeremy: If looks could kill, I'd be at Mt. Olympus right now with 40 nymphs at my side.
Mr. Merkin: I'll call the leader. Oh, and tell Gweg he's fired.
20 minutes later, Gweg arrived home.
Gweg barged into the apartment. He made a bee line for Satyr, who was sitting on the couch.
Satyr: Gweg, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at work?
Gweg: Don't give me that innocent act. I just got fired and you know damn well why.
Satyr: How could I? I've been here all day?
Gweg: One word: Satyrism.
Satyr: Oh that! Yeah, your boss, well your former boss just called me and explained. He'll be getting a blue bracelet tomorrow.
Gweg: Don't get me started on those stupid bracelets. Why in the hell am I calling them bracelets, they are fucking rubber bands!
Satyr: How dare you! Rubber bands! They are performance enhancing power bracelets!
Gweg: They are rubber fucking bands!
Satyr: You are just attacking something you don't understand. The dogma of Satyrism is very clear on the use of the bracelets.
Gweg rolled his eyes.
Gweg: Satyrism. You know, I really wouldn't care about this, if it didn't get me fired from my job! I would sue the company for wrongful termination, but I think that I'll get a lot more satisfaction from kicking your ass!
Gweg lunged after Satyr. Another person came out of nowhere and tackled Gweg to the floor.
Satyr: Good job Urameshi.
Urameshi: Thank you Leader. Do I get the yellow bracelet now?
Satyr: I don't think so. I don't think my life was in too much danger there. But don't worry, Urameshi, I'm sure you'll get your chance. I'm probably going to be making a lot of enemies.
Gweg picked himself off the floor.
Gweg: One of your followers?
Satyr: Yes. Urameshi here is one of the first members of the International Church of Satyrism.
Urameshi: That's right. And as soon as I save the Leader's life, I get the yellow bracelet!
Gweg: It's a rubber band!
Satyr: Oh hush Gweg. Is everything ready for tomorrow's first mass, Urameshi?
Urameshi: Yes sir.
Satyr: Good. I want everything to go just right.
Gweg: It's not going to. Not if I have anything to do about it.
Satyr: And what exactly are you going to do? You have never been able to stop me. You couldn't stop me from making my play, couldn't stop me from operating on the mime, couldn't stop me from having sex with the Dyslexic Anorexic and the Anemic Bulimic.
Gweg: I never tried to stop you from doing any ofthat. I just stood by and let it happen. Wait a second, you had sex with those two freaks? We both ran out of the apartment.
Satyr: I went back. I wasn't going to let that Spanish Fly go to waste. Besides, I was really horny.
Gweg: You really are sick.
Satyr: I'm not sick. You just don't have the balls to stomach what I'm capable of.
Gweg: You know what? That's probably right. But this stupid church ends now.
Urameshi: Leader, it's almost 3:30.
Satyr: Well Gweg, I would love to stay and chat, but I've got to interview another perspective member.
Gweg: I'm not letting you leave.
Satyr: I don't need to. The interview will be here. What's the dude's name again?
Urameshi: His name is Gweg sir.
Satyr: Ah ok. Hello Gweg. Thank you for taking an interest in the Church of Satyrism. Have a seat.
Gweg: What the fuck are you talking about?
Satyr: Now, as you may already be aware of, to become an official member of the Church, you need to sign the contract.
Gweg: Contract? Only your church would make members sign a contract.
Satyr: It's written in the dogma.
Gweg: Just to satisfy my own morbid curiosity, can I see this contract.
Satyr: But of course, however, you must first sign this contract.
Satyr handed Gweg a piece of paper.
I, the undersigned, hereby state that I will not discuss the contents of The Official Contract of the International Church of Satyrism with anybody. If I, the undersigned, do breach this contract, I will be expect my life to be immediately terminated.
_______________
Sign Here
Gweg: Well, you don't have to worry about me talking about your stupid religion with anybody. I don't want to be getting stares. I get that enough.
Gweg signed the contract.
Satyr handed Gweg the other contract and Gweg scanned through it.
Gweg: It says here that when I die, I get to go to Mt. Olympus and have 40 nymphs living by my side.
Satyr: That's correct. That is if you don't breach the contract.
Gweg: And how exactly does that happen? From what I understand, and please correct me if I'm wrong, you are banished from Mt. Olympus by Pan himself?
Satyr: Urameshi, would you please excuse us for a minute?
Urameshi: As you wish.
Urameshi left the apartment.
Satyr: Alright, alright. This whole religion thing is bullshit.
Gweg: You don't say? Next thing you'll be telling me that the earth is round.
Satyr: Your sarcastic responses never fail to impress me Gweg.
Gweg: What, may I ask, is the point of your stupid religion?
Satyr: It's should seem pretty obvious to you if you had really read that contract.
Gweg: What do you mean.
Satyr grabbed the contract out of Gweg's hand.
Satyr pointed to a section of the contract.
Satyr: Here in Section IV. It reads, all newborns infants who were conceived under the Super Satyrism Sexcapade are to be given into the custody of the Leader, that's me.
Gweg: The Super Satyrism Sexcapade?
Satyr: Yes, according to our religious doctrine, all Satyrists get together once a month and have an orgy.
Gweg: Only you would write that into a religious doctrine.
Satyr: Yeah, me and Joseph Smith.
Gweg: Oh yeah. Wait, what exactly are you planning to do with the newborns.
Satyr: I am going to raise them.
Gweg let out a laugh.
Gweg: You raise a bunch of kids. No wonder you became religious, it's going to take a miracle for you to raise a bunch of kids.
Satyr: I won't be the only one raising them. They won't be raised up in a traditional way. They will be under the care of their biological parents until they are ready for school. Then they will be brought up under strict Satyrism rules, taught by myself and a several trusted others.
Gweg: And the purpose of all that is?
Satyr: They are going to be soldiers in my army of course.
Gweg rubbed his hand over the top of his head.
Gweg: And you are going to lead this army to take over the world?
Satyr: You are half right. My son is going to lead the army.
Gweg: Your son?
Satyr: That's right. One of our more prestigious members has agreed to be the mother of my child.
Gweg: Another miracle. I'm convinced, sign me up to your religion right now.
Satyr: Why don't you come to mass tomorrow? You'll see.
Gweg: See what?
Satyr: See what I'm doing.
Gweg: I already know what you are doing.
Satyr: Yeah, but you'll see it in action and it will make a lot more sense.
Gweg: Sure, I'll come. It's not like I have a job or anything.
They heard a sound at the door. Satyr opened it. Urameshi was standing there, his head held up to where the door had been.
Satyr: Were you listening to our conversation?
Urameshi: Yes.
Satyr: You have breached Article XIX of the Contract that clearly states no member of the Church shall ever eavesdrop on the Leader's private conversations.
Urameshi: I'm sorry Leader, give me another chance!
Satyr: Nope. You are hereby banned from the Church!
Urameshi: Noooooooo!
Urameshi ran out of the apartment, crying.
Gweg: Well that was something.
Satyr: He knew better. Oh well, I got to finish getting things set up for mass tomorrow. Better get to sleep early tonight, it starts at 7 am sharp tomorrow.
The next day.
Satyr: Ready to go Gweg?
Gweg was still asleep. He groggily woke up and looked at his clock.
Gweg: It's 5:30. You said this thing didn't start until 7.
Satyr: We need to get there early so we can get things set up. And we need to get some donuts too.
Gweg: Where the hell is this thing at?
Satyr: I rented out the old Fazoli's building.
Gweg: You are using an old Italian fast food place for your church.
Satyr: That's right. Got a good deal on it too.
Gweg: Yeah, I bet.
After getting the donuts, they arrived at the Fazoli's.
Satyr: Yep. The drive-thru. I'm going to convert that into a drive-up confessional. Confess your sins and get some Satyrism approved hamburgers.
Gweg: You know what really scares me? The fact that this fucked-up plan of yours is probably going to work.
Satyr: Of course it's going to work.
7 o'clock came and the mass went under way. Satyr did his preaching from behind the counter while all attending persons sat down at the tables. There were about 50 people.
It went pretty much the way Gweg expected it to be. Satyr talking and all of the idiots surrounding him soaked it up.
Almost three hours later, Satyr seemed to be starting his grand finale.
Satyr: And now for the moment you have all been waiting for Brothers and Sisters! The woman who has agreed to be the harbinger of the Messiah has arrived from England. And here she is, A Perfect Drug!
The people cheered.
A very attractive young woman came from the kitchen. She stood behind the counter and addressed the Church.
Perfect Drug: Tonight, the Leader and I will perform much love making and conceive the Messiah, who will lead the world into the glory of Satyrism!
Satyrists: Praise Satyr!
Satyr: That's right. Perfect Drug has proven her love to me and the religion. She will be the "Perfect" choice for the mother of our Messiah.
That little quip was enough for Gweg. He quietly stepped outside.
Perfect Drug: I'm so eager to conceive the Messiah, I'm willing to do it right here and now!
Satyr: Sounds like a good idea! Let us begin the Super Satyrism Sexcapade!
The moment Gweg had stepped outside, he bumped into somebody. It was Urameshi.
Gweg: Why are you here?
Urameshi: I'm not going to let that Satyr ban me from his church! Nobody bans me! I keep coming back better than ever!
Gweg: But you overheard us talking about the religion. You know it's all a sham.
Urameshi: It doesn't matter. It's the principle of the thing.
Gweg: Well, what are you planning to do?
Urameshi: I'm going to go in there and make Satyr take me back into the church.
Gweg overheard Satyr mention the Sexcapade.
Gweg: Well you better get in there now, or you'll miss all of the fun.
Urameshi stepped inside. Everybody stopped what they were doing and stared at him.
Satyr: What are you doing here? I banned you. Leave now before I make an example of you.
Urameshi: No, I don't think so.
Urameshi opened his coat up to reveal a bunch of dynamite strapped onto his chest.
Urameshi: If you don't let me back into this church, I will blow it straight to into a Larry the Cable Guy Stand Up Special!
The entire congregation gasped.
Satyr: How dare you threaten us with that! Get him guys.
A bunch of guys got up and went after Urameshi. But they were to late. Urameshi activated the bomb and blew up the Fazoli's.
Gweg had been thrown back twenty feet by the blast. He got up and went towards the rubble that used to be the Fazoli's.
Gweg saw some movement. He picked up some debris and got the person out.
It was Satyr.
Satyr: Well, that was another colossal failure. And I was just about to do it with that British chick.
Gweg: Well you're alive.
Satyr: Must be another miracle.
Gweg: No. I know what this is. It's just my bad luck. How did you survive anyway?
Satyr: A bunch of guys jumped on me to shield me from the blast.
They heard a moaning. They removed some more debris that was covering an older man.
Gweg: It's Mr. Merkin! He's not going to make it.
Mr. Merkin spoke a few minutes before he died.
Mr. Merkin: I helped save your life Leader. Do I get a yellow bracelet now?
Satyr: Dude, they are just rubber bands.
The End
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Satyr: The Comic!
An incredible artist, who goes by the name of Laemeur, has drawn one of my stories.
He did an incredible job.
Y'all can check it out here: http://www.apocalyptek.com/, along with his own comics.
He did an incredible job.
Y'all can check it out here: http://www.apocalyptek.com/, along with his own comics.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Pillz and Primus in the Comic Clepto Caper
Have no fear, true believers! America has a new hero, Pillz! Born a regular human, Pillz was given the galaxy's most powerful weapon, The Green Lantern Ring, in a box of Cracker Jack.
Let's join out fearless hero as he gets a most urgent call from the Mayor!
Pillz: Talk to me. What's the emergency?
Mayor: It's happened again Pillz! Another comic book store has been robbed! This is the third one in two months! We need your help Pillz!
Pillz: That's what I'm here for Mayor. Which comic shop was it?
Mayor: It was the Custodiet Comic Shop on the corner of Nodell Ave. and Finger St.
Pillz: You cab count on me Mayor, I'll get to the bottom of this.
Pillz hung up the phone and put on the most amazing weapon the galaxy has ever seen, the Power Ring! After he put it on, his own version of the Green Lantern costume adorned his body. It consisted of tight fitting black pants, a black tank top, and a green duster, which featured the symbol of the Green Lantern.
Pillz then recited the sacred Lantern oath to activate the ring.
Pillz: In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil's might, beware my power, Green Lantern's light!
Pillz arrived at the Custodiet Comic Shop. It was an average sized store. It had a vast variety of comics and comic book related products.
Pillz talked with owner.
Pillz: So, what all was stolen?
Owner: It's the damnedest thing, only comics from the one dollar bins were stolen.
Pillz: One dollar bins, huh?
Owner: Yeah. The only thing they left in there were the Liefield comics.
Pillz: I don't like that. He stole a bunch of worthless comics, but left the Liefield. This guy is crazy, but he's not stupid.
Owner: I don't get it? Why the one dollar comics? I mean, I got far more valuable stuff here.
Pillz: It is intriguing. I need to check these other comic book shops.
Pillz went to the other comic stores. Sure enough, Pillz discovered that each one was robbed only of their lower priced comics. Back issues that have not gone up or have dropped lower in monetary value since they were published.
Pillz went back to his apartment to look over his notes and pictures of the crime scene.
Pillz started to sort though them. His power ring then started speaking to him.
Power Ring: There is a fire at the old abandoned warehouse where you found me.*
*See "ASMB Story #1" Available to read now!
Pillz: Damn, always when I'm starting to do something.
Pillz flew to the warehouse and used his rings to put out the fire. The fire was only concentrated to one area of the building and did not do much damage.
Pillz: I wonder how this started. Probably a bunch of little punks. I'd better investigate.
Pillz went inside and got the shock of his life.
Standing ten feet away from Pillz, was Primus Fan 1!
Pillz: You! But how? I saw you die!
Primus: I don't know what the hell happened. Lat thing I remember is being tied to a post and being shot at by that damn satyr!
Pillz: Yeah. But your body was cremated, so to speak. You must be back for a reason. Or maybe the Devil didn't want you hell.
Primus: Why wouldn't the Devil want me?
Pillz: Probably because you're so emo.
Primus: I am not emo!
Primus ran towards Pillz, with his fists raised. Pillz used his ring to create a force field. Primus ran right into and bounced back.
Pillz: Easy there trigger. Now, I don't know how you came back, and I don't care. I've got a bigger problem on my hands. There is a comic thief and I intend to catch him.
Primus: Can I help?
Pillz: Yes you can. I think the only way I'm going to be able to solve this case is if you get in my way.
Primus: I won't get in your way. I don't know how, but when I came back, I came back with a super power!
Pillz: What? That's preposterous.
Primus: It's true! Watch.
Primus held is hands out in front of him, he balled them up into fists, and out popped three blades, from behind the knuckled on each hand.
Pillz noticed something a bit odd about the blades protruding from Primus' hands.
Pillz: Those are butter knives.
Primus looked at the blades.
Primus: Figures, I get some sort of power and it's sucky.
Pillz: Well, if I ever run across some toast, I'll give you a call.
Primus: Please, I know I can be of some help. Just give me a chance!
Pillz: Fine. One chance. If you fuck up, you're gone.
Primus: Thank you. Now, let's get to the bottom of this comic caper!
Meanwhile, at some apartment.
A man dressed in spandex from head to toe was sitting in a chair. A younger man entered into the room.
Young Man: Excuse me master, I have some bad news.
The Master: I care only about news after you have given me what I really want.
The Master then slapped his lackey across the face.
Young Man: I'm sorry master. I didn't stop to get them because this news is of the utmost importance.
The Master: What is it?
Young Man: The Mayor has put Pillz in charge of the comic book robberies.
The Master: Well now, this is not good. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Pillz will not stop me from my nefarious plan. No one will stop me! No one will stop, Capt. Taco!
Young Man: What do you plan to do?
Capt. Taco: There is a secret weapon running loose in the streets, I want you to bring him to me.
Young Man: You don't mean....
Capt. Taco: Yes Crunchy, I do mean him! Now get him!
The young man, whom Capt. Taco addressed as Crunchy, left the room. Capt. Taco, one of the most insane madmen the world has ever seen, sat thinking in his chair.
Capt. Taco: After all of this is over, I'm going to Paris to take a piss of the Eiffel Tower while singing "Anna Kournikova Is Our Queen"!
truly insane.
Back at Pillz' secret headquarters.
Pillz and Primus sat around looking at all the evidence they had gathered.
Pillz: The first question we need to ask ourselves is "Who benefits?"
Primus: That is a good question.
Pillz: Of course it is. We need to find out who has gets the most out of stealing worthless comics. Now, my first guess would be Rob Liefield. Probably looking for new material. It would explain why he didn't steal his own books, but then again, he's been known to steal from his own material as well.
Primus: I thought Heroes Reborn was pretty good.
Pillz: That's strike one against you. I don't know. Liefield doing something original just doesn't fit his usual MO.
Primus: What if they just left behind the Liefield stuff to throw you off?
Pillz: That's good thinking. We need to go out and search for more clues.
Primus: We should probably stake out the only comic book store that hasn't been robbed yet.
Pillz: Hey! I'm the one who comes up with the good ideas around here! You are just supposed to be the sidekick.
Primus: I'm sorry, I'm just trying to help.
Pillz: Help by grabbing me a soda. I've got a great idea, let's go over and stake out the comic shop that hasn't been hit yet.
Primus: All right.
Pillz and Primus camped out on the rooftop of the building across the street from "Uncle Ben's Dirty Depends Comic Shop".
A few hours went by and nothing happened.
Pillz: So that's why Sinestro will always be known as one of the greater villains of all time.
Primus: That's stupid. I think Arcade is a pretty good villain.
Pillz: You would.
Primus: I don't know why you are always knocking on me. Calling me emo all the time.
Pillz: It's because you remind me so much of Psycho Pirate.
Primus: Who?
Pillz: Nevermind.
Pillz was about ready to call it a night. He was about to say something when he felt the building tremor beneath him.
Pillz: Did you feel that?
Primus: Feel what?
It happened again. And this time they both felt it. It kept getting stronger. Primus saw something that made him piss his pants.
Primus: Look!
Pillz looked in the direction Primus was pointing. He saw an eight foot tall yellow behemoth. It was heading right for the comic shop.
Primus: Surely that's not the thing that's been robbing the shops.
Pillz: Whatever it is, we need to stop it.
Pillz dropped down to the street. He aimed his hand at the huge yellow man. He shot of a green energy blast.
The blast ricocheted off of the huge hulk. It became angry and started running towards Pillz.
Pillz heard it say something, but the creature slurred the words.
Primus had come down and ran up to Pillz.
Primus: Why aren't you stopping it?
Pillz: Because it's yellow and immune to my power ring. we need to think of another way to stop it!
The yellow monster was upon them now. It stared at them and then yelled out something. Pillz was able to understand what it said this time.
Pillz: It can't be.
Primus: What?
Pillz: Primus, get your blades to come out, quick.
Primus held out his hands and popped out his blades.
The yellow monster jumped back in surprise and then stared at Primus' hands. The monster kept staring at them as though in a trance, and before Pillz and Primus' surprised eyes, the monster started to shrink.
The monster continued to shrink until it wasn't a monster and more, but a teenager!
Primus: What the hell? Is it the Incredible Hulk?
Pillz: No, it's the Incredible Pero!
The teenager looked around confused.
Pero: How did I get here? Who are you guys? Why do you have butter knives sticking out of your hands? My mother once told me the only kind of knife I could ever use was a butter knife. But I accidently cut myself with one when I was trying to spread some peanut butter on my penis so I could get this dog to lick it. When I cut myself down there, it hurt a lot. The doctor who fixed me up down there was laughing. But my mother told me it wasn't because of the size, she said it was a pretty decent size. Bigger than my dad's she told me. She wanted me to sleep in her room that night, because she was lonely. But dad wouldn't let me and he and mom had one of their "talks".
Pillz and Primus just stared at him.
Pero: So, who are you guys?
Pillz: I'm Pillz and this is Primus. We are both members of the Adult Swim Message Board. Just like you.
Pero: Hey, I'm on the Adult Swim Message Board too!
Primus: Yeah, we just said that?
Pillz: I have no doubt that Pero here was sent to stop us. Pero, do you remember anything that happened before you got here?
Pero: I remember being at the apartment of that mean satyr guy from the boards. He made fun of me and I got mad. Then I remember being in an alley some where. I went home. The last thing I remember is some guy coming to my house and saying "Greetings from Uncle Ben's Dirty Depends" then he broke a bunch of my video games.
Pillz: Hrm. Primus mysteriously comes back to life and Pero here has been going through some gamma growth spurts. And we have a common thread linking them.
Primus: Virtual Satyr!
Pillz: Yes. Let's go visit our good friend and ask him a few questions.
Pillz, Primus, and Pero all went to the apartment of Virtual Satyr. When they knocked on the door, Satyr's roommate, Gweg, answered.
Gweg: Pillz? What are you doing...holy shit! Is that Primus?
Primus: Yep Gweg, it's me.
Gweg: But how? Satyr killed you and then burned your body. We got your ashes in the kitchen.
Primus: You've got my ashes? That's just fucking creepy right there.
Gweg: I know. Satyr put them into a cookie jar.
Pillz: Speaking of which, where is he.
Gweg: He's in his room, Ill go get him.
Gweg went and retrieved Satyr. Satyr had been asleep and was still in the process of waking up when he got to the door.
Satyr: What the fuck is going on?
Pillz: Where were you two nights ago?
Satyr: I was over at your mother's house giving her a massage. With my mouth.
Pillz: Well that explains why your breath smells.
Gweg: He was here watching "The Princess Diaries".
Satyr: Only because I heard that Anne Hathaway gets naked in one of her movies.
Gweg: You know damn well that was in "Havoc". You downloaded it off of the internet.
Satyr: Just shut up. Why do you care where I was Pillz? Don't you have some lightbulbs to go change or whatever in the hell it is you green lanterns do?
Pillz: Well there has been a string of comic thefts recently. Not to mention Primus coming back from the dead and Pero Hulk showing up to try to stop us. And you appear to be a common link among Primus and Pero here.
Satyr: Who?
Primus: Don't you remember me? You killed me?
Satyr: You call yourself Primus? I thought you called yourself Optimus Prime.
Gweg: That's a bunch of bull. Aren't you the least bit curious about how Primus is still alive?
Satyr: I'm more curious about what a Primus actually is.
Pillz: It's a band. They did the theme song to South Park.
Satyr: Ah. Ok. Well, I can explain why Primus is still alive.
Primus: Please do.
Satyr: Your body burned up when I used the Duce X Machine, right? Well, I read the instruction manual, and it turns out the Duce X Machine also had a Phoenix Processor Chip in it.
Pillz: A Phoenix Processor Chip.
Satyr: Yeah. It brings dead people back to life.
Gweg: Why didn't you tells us that before?
Satyr: I didn't know about it before.
Gweg: You invented the damn thing!
Satyr: Yeah I did.
Pillz: Listen, it doesn't matter. We need to use the Duce X Machine to find out who is behind the crimes.
Gweg: Uh, you can't. I wanted to get rid of the machine, so I pressed the button on it to help me out, and the machine disappeared.
Primus: Great. We'll never figure out who is behind this.
Satyr: Well, good luck to you guys. I'm going out for some breakfast. I'm in the mood for some tacos.
Pero let out a scream.
Pillz: What is it?
Pero: The man who broke my games had a taco on his shirt.
Pillz: Blast! Capt. Taco! I should have known.
Several minutes later, at Capt. Taco's lair.
Capt. Taco watched his security monitors. On them, he saw our three heroes making their way inside the building.
Capt. Taco: What fools. They dare try to match wits with the Spectacular Capt. Taco! I have given more effort into drinking a beer upside down while having sex with ten supermodels than I will give into stopping these fools.
Pillz, Primus, and Pero had made their way inside Capt. Taco's lair.
Pillz: Be careful guys. This Capt. Taco is a dangerous man. We must be cautious.
Primus: If only my powers didn't suck. If only my life didn't suck! Why must I be tortured so!
Pillz: I haven't the slightest idea as to what brought that all on, but I'll tell you this: Even the most suckiest of powers can be useful when used in the right hands. Now, your little butter knives are quite possibly the stupidest things I have ever laid my eyes on, but they did save our bacon back at the comic store, did they not?
Primus: Yeah, I guess so.
Pero: Even the weakest of individuals have their moments of strength.
Pillz and Primus stared at Pero.
Pero: What? I'm not an idiot all of the time.
Pillz: Come on, let's go!
They stormed into Capt. Taco's main room, where he was waiting for them.
Capt. Taco: Well, well, well. If it isn't the Dysfunctional Duo and their stupid little friend.
Pillz: It's over for you Capt. Taco!
Capt. Taco: Ha! It has just begun. My evil plan of stealing all of those worthless comics was for one simple goal. I wanted to get my hands on all of the issues of Shadowhawk #1 I could find! After getting my hands on a majority of them, I would destroy them, leaving my mint condition copy in it's plastic case to skyrocket in price!
Pillz: That's crazy. A scheme like that would never work! When were you planning to do this?
Capt. Taco: Do it? Pillz, I'm not your common villain. Do you seriously think I would tell you my plan, knowing that you might thwart it? I did it thirty minutes ago!
Capt. Taco let loose a laugh. He didn't notice Crunchy come into the room.
Crunchy: Boss, I got all of those issues of Shadowhawk ready for you to destroy them.
Capt. Taco: You god damn fool! Get the hell out of here.
Pillz: Sucks to be you my friend.
Capt. Taco: Eat shit and die, shithead!
Pillz aimed his ring, he sent out a blast towards Capt. Taco.
Capt. Taco was ready for it. He had reached over and grabbed his shield in time. His shield looked like a giant crunchwrap supreme.* The shield, being yellow, deflected the blast.
*Available at Taco Bell for only $1.99!
Capt. Taco: Woo-hoo. Didn't see that one coming did you?
Pillz: As a matter of fact, I kinda did.
Capt. Taco: Oh yeah, well see this coming! Capt. Taco throws his mighty shield!
Capt. Taco threw his mighty shield at Pillz. Primus jumped out in front of him, butter knives extended.
Primus cut right through the shield, which in fact was a giant crunchwrap supreme.
Primus: Yes! I used my power! And it stopped your stupid shield.
Capt. Taco: It won't stop these.
He held up four tacos in his hand.
Capt. Taco: These are razor sharp Tacorangs.
He threw them at Primus, cutting off his butter knives. Primus screamed in pain.
Capt. Taco: Well. it seems the only one left out of your pathetic group to stop me is the retard.
Pero took one step closer to Capt. Taco.
Pero: Fear the retard.
Pero started to grow. He turned into Pero Hulk. Pero Hulk reached out and grabbed Capt. Taco, crushing his bones in the process.
Primus: Well, I lost my powers, but we won. I guess that's all that matters, right Pillz?
Primus turned around to look at Pillz. But Pillz was not there.
Primus: Pillz!
Pillz came out of another room.
Primus: Why did you run away?
Pillz: I didn't. When I saw that Pero was going to win, I went and destroyed those Shadowhawk books.
Primus: Why?
Pillz: Because Shadowhawk sucks.
Let's join out fearless hero as he gets a most urgent call from the Mayor!
Pillz: Talk to me. What's the emergency?
Mayor: It's happened again Pillz! Another comic book store has been robbed! This is the third one in two months! We need your help Pillz!
Pillz: That's what I'm here for Mayor. Which comic shop was it?
Mayor: It was the Custodiet Comic Shop on the corner of Nodell Ave. and Finger St.
Pillz: You cab count on me Mayor, I'll get to the bottom of this.
Pillz hung up the phone and put on the most amazing weapon the galaxy has ever seen, the Power Ring! After he put it on, his own version of the Green Lantern costume adorned his body. It consisted of tight fitting black pants, a black tank top, and a green duster, which featured the symbol of the Green Lantern.
Pillz then recited the sacred Lantern oath to activate the ring.
Pillz: In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil's might, beware my power, Green Lantern's light!
Pillz arrived at the Custodiet Comic Shop. It was an average sized store. It had a vast variety of comics and comic book related products.
Pillz talked with owner.
Pillz: So, what all was stolen?
Owner: It's the damnedest thing, only comics from the one dollar bins were stolen.
Pillz: One dollar bins, huh?
Owner: Yeah. The only thing they left in there were the Liefield comics.
Pillz: I don't like that. He stole a bunch of worthless comics, but left the Liefield. This guy is crazy, but he's not stupid.
Owner: I don't get it? Why the one dollar comics? I mean, I got far more valuable stuff here.
Pillz: It is intriguing. I need to check these other comic book shops.
Pillz went to the other comic stores. Sure enough, Pillz discovered that each one was robbed only of their lower priced comics. Back issues that have not gone up or have dropped lower in monetary value since they were published.
Pillz went back to his apartment to look over his notes and pictures of the crime scene.
Pillz started to sort though them. His power ring then started speaking to him.
Power Ring: There is a fire at the old abandoned warehouse where you found me.*
*See "ASMB Story #1" Available to read now!
Pillz: Damn, always when I'm starting to do something.
Pillz flew to the warehouse and used his rings to put out the fire. The fire was only concentrated to one area of the building and did not do much damage.
Pillz: I wonder how this started. Probably a bunch of little punks. I'd better investigate.
Pillz went inside and got the shock of his life.
Standing ten feet away from Pillz, was Primus Fan 1!
Pillz: You! But how? I saw you die!
Primus: I don't know what the hell happened. Lat thing I remember is being tied to a post and being shot at by that damn satyr!
Pillz: Yeah. But your body was cremated, so to speak. You must be back for a reason. Or maybe the Devil didn't want you hell.
Primus: Why wouldn't the Devil want me?
Pillz: Probably because you're so emo.
Primus: I am not emo!
Primus ran towards Pillz, with his fists raised. Pillz used his ring to create a force field. Primus ran right into and bounced back.
Pillz: Easy there trigger. Now, I don't know how you came back, and I don't care. I've got a bigger problem on my hands. There is a comic thief and I intend to catch him.
Primus: Can I help?
Pillz: Yes you can. I think the only way I'm going to be able to solve this case is if you get in my way.
Primus: I won't get in your way. I don't know how, but when I came back, I came back with a super power!
Pillz: What? That's preposterous.
Primus: It's true! Watch.
Primus held is hands out in front of him, he balled them up into fists, and out popped three blades, from behind the knuckled on each hand.
Pillz noticed something a bit odd about the blades protruding from Primus' hands.
Pillz: Those are butter knives.
Primus looked at the blades.
Primus: Figures, I get some sort of power and it's sucky.
Pillz: Well, if I ever run across some toast, I'll give you a call.
Primus: Please, I know I can be of some help. Just give me a chance!
Pillz: Fine. One chance. If you fuck up, you're gone.
Primus: Thank you. Now, let's get to the bottom of this comic caper!
Meanwhile, at some apartment.
A man dressed in spandex from head to toe was sitting in a chair. A younger man entered into the room.
Young Man: Excuse me master, I have some bad news.
The Master: I care only about news after you have given me what I really want.
The Master then slapped his lackey across the face.
Young Man: I'm sorry master. I didn't stop to get them because this news is of the utmost importance.
The Master: What is it?
Young Man: The Mayor has put Pillz in charge of the comic book robberies.
The Master: Well now, this is not good. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Pillz will not stop me from my nefarious plan. No one will stop me! No one will stop, Capt. Taco!
Young Man: What do you plan to do?
Capt. Taco: There is a secret weapon running loose in the streets, I want you to bring him to me.
Young Man: You don't mean....
Capt. Taco: Yes Crunchy, I do mean him! Now get him!
The young man, whom Capt. Taco addressed as Crunchy, left the room. Capt. Taco, one of the most insane madmen the world has ever seen, sat thinking in his chair.
Capt. Taco: After all of this is over, I'm going to Paris to take a piss of the Eiffel Tower while singing "Anna Kournikova Is Our Queen"!
truly insane.
Back at Pillz' secret headquarters.
Pillz and Primus sat around looking at all the evidence they had gathered.
Pillz: The first question we need to ask ourselves is "Who benefits?"
Primus: That is a good question.
Pillz: Of course it is. We need to find out who has gets the most out of stealing worthless comics. Now, my first guess would be Rob Liefield. Probably looking for new material. It would explain why he didn't steal his own books, but then again, he's been known to steal from his own material as well.
Primus: I thought Heroes Reborn was pretty good.
Pillz: That's strike one against you. I don't know. Liefield doing something original just doesn't fit his usual MO.
Primus: What if they just left behind the Liefield stuff to throw you off?
Pillz: That's good thinking. We need to go out and search for more clues.
Primus: We should probably stake out the only comic book store that hasn't been robbed yet.
Pillz: Hey! I'm the one who comes up with the good ideas around here! You are just supposed to be the sidekick.
Primus: I'm sorry, I'm just trying to help.
Pillz: Help by grabbing me a soda. I've got a great idea, let's go over and stake out the comic shop that hasn't been hit yet.
Primus: All right.
Pillz and Primus camped out on the rooftop of the building across the street from "Uncle Ben's Dirty Depends Comic Shop".
A few hours went by and nothing happened.
Pillz: So that's why Sinestro will always be known as one of the greater villains of all time.
Primus: That's stupid. I think Arcade is a pretty good villain.
Pillz: You would.
Primus: I don't know why you are always knocking on me. Calling me emo all the time.
Pillz: It's because you remind me so much of Psycho Pirate.
Primus: Who?
Pillz: Nevermind.
Pillz was about ready to call it a night. He was about to say something when he felt the building tremor beneath him.
Pillz: Did you feel that?
Primus: Feel what?
It happened again. And this time they both felt it. It kept getting stronger. Primus saw something that made him piss his pants.
Primus: Look!
Pillz looked in the direction Primus was pointing. He saw an eight foot tall yellow behemoth. It was heading right for the comic shop.
Primus: Surely that's not the thing that's been robbing the shops.
Pillz: Whatever it is, we need to stop it.
Pillz dropped down to the street. He aimed his hand at the huge yellow man. He shot of a green energy blast.
The blast ricocheted off of the huge hulk. It became angry and started running towards Pillz.
Pillz heard it say something, but the creature slurred the words.
Primus had come down and ran up to Pillz.
Primus: Why aren't you stopping it?
Pillz: Because it's yellow and immune to my power ring. we need to think of another way to stop it!
The yellow monster was upon them now. It stared at them and then yelled out something. Pillz was able to understand what it said this time.
Pillz: It can't be.
Primus: What?
Pillz: Primus, get your blades to come out, quick.
Primus held out his hands and popped out his blades.
The yellow monster jumped back in surprise and then stared at Primus' hands. The monster kept staring at them as though in a trance, and before Pillz and Primus' surprised eyes, the monster started to shrink.
The monster continued to shrink until it wasn't a monster and more, but a teenager!
Primus: What the hell? Is it the Incredible Hulk?
Pillz: No, it's the Incredible Pero!
The teenager looked around confused.
Pero: How did I get here? Who are you guys? Why do you have butter knives sticking out of your hands? My mother once told me the only kind of knife I could ever use was a butter knife. But I accidently cut myself with one when I was trying to spread some peanut butter on my penis so I could get this dog to lick it. When I cut myself down there, it hurt a lot. The doctor who fixed me up down there was laughing. But my mother told me it wasn't because of the size, she said it was a pretty decent size. Bigger than my dad's she told me. She wanted me to sleep in her room that night, because she was lonely. But dad wouldn't let me and he and mom had one of their "talks".
Pillz and Primus just stared at him.
Pero: So, who are you guys?
Pillz: I'm Pillz and this is Primus. We are both members of the Adult Swim Message Board. Just like you.
Pero: Hey, I'm on the Adult Swim Message Board too!
Primus: Yeah, we just said that?
Pillz: I have no doubt that Pero here was sent to stop us. Pero, do you remember anything that happened before you got here?
Pero: I remember being at the apartment of that mean satyr guy from the boards. He made fun of me and I got mad. Then I remember being in an alley some where. I went home. The last thing I remember is some guy coming to my house and saying "Greetings from Uncle Ben's Dirty Depends" then he broke a bunch of my video games.
Pillz: Hrm. Primus mysteriously comes back to life and Pero here has been going through some gamma growth spurts. And we have a common thread linking them.
Primus: Virtual Satyr!
Pillz: Yes. Let's go visit our good friend and ask him a few questions.
Pillz, Primus, and Pero all went to the apartment of Virtual Satyr. When they knocked on the door, Satyr's roommate, Gweg, answered.
Gweg: Pillz? What are you doing...holy shit! Is that Primus?
Primus: Yep Gweg, it's me.
Gweg: But how? Satyr killed you and then burned your body. We got your ashes in the kitchen.
Primus: You've got my ashes? That's just fucking creepy right there.
Gweg: I know. Satyr put them into a cookie jar.
Pillz: Speaking of which, where is he.
Gweg: He's in his room, Ill go get him.
Gweg went and retrieved Satyr. Satyr had been asleep and was still in the process of waking up when he got to the door.
Satyr: What the fuck is going on?
Pillz: Where were you two nights ago?
Satyr: I was over at your mother's house giving her a massage. With my mouth.
Pillz: Well that explains why your breath smells.
Gweg: He was here watching "The Princess Diaries".
Satyr: Only because I heard that Anne Hathaway gets naked in one of her movies.
Gweg: You know damn well that was in "Havoc". You downloaded it off of the internet.
Satyr: Just shut up. Why do you care where I was Pillz? Don't you have some lightbulbs to go change or whatever in the hell it is you green lanterns do?
Pillz: Well there has been a string of comic thefts recently. Not to mention Primus coming back from the dead and Pero Hulk showing up to try to stop us. And you appear to be a common link among Primus and Pero here.
Satyr: Who?
Primus: Don't you remember me? You killed me?
Satyr: You call yourself Primus? I thought you called yourself Optimus Prime.
Gweg: That's a bunch of bull. Aren't you the least bit curious about how Primus is still alive?
Satyr: I'm more curious about what a Primus actually is.
Pillz: It's a band. They did the theme song to South Park.
Satyr: Ah. Ok. Well, I can explain why Primus is still alive.
Primus: Please do.
Satyr: Your body burned up when I used the Duce X Machine, right? Well, I read the instruction manual, and it turns out the Duce X Machine also had a Phoenix Processor Chip in it.
Pillz: A Phoenix Processor Chip.
Satyr: Yeah. It brings dead people back to life.
Gweg: Why didn't you tells us that before?
Satyr: I didn't know about it before.
Gweg: You invented the damn thing!
Satyr: Yeah I did.
Pillz: Listen, it doesn't matter. We need to use the Duce X Machine to find out who is behind the crimes.
Gweg: Uh, you can't. I wanted to get rid of the machine, so I pressed the button on it to help me out, and the machine disappeared.
Primus: Great. We'll never figure out who is behind this.
Satyr: Well, good luck to you guys. I'm going out for some breakfast. I'm in the mood for some tacos.
Pero let out a scream.
Pillz: What is it?
Pero: The man who broke my games had a taco on his shirt.
Pillz: Blast! Capt. Taco! I should have known.
Several minutes later, at Capt. Taco's lair.
Capt. Taco watched his security monitors. On them, he saw our three heroes making their way inside the building.
Capt. Taco: What fools. They dare try to match wits with the Spectacular Capt. Taco! I have given more effort into drinking a beer upside down while having sex with ten supermodels than I will give into stopping these fools.
Pillz, Primus, and Pero had made their way inside Capt. Taco's lair.
Pillz: Be careful guys. This Capt. Taco is a dangerous man. We must be cautious.
Primus: If only my powers didn't suck. If only my life didn't suck! Why must I be tortured so!
Pillz: I haven't the slightest idea as to what brought that all on, but I'll tell you this: Even the most suckiest of powers can be useful when used in the right hands. Now, your little butter knives are quite possibly the stupidest things I have ever laid my eyes on, but they did save our bacon back at the comic store, did they not?
Primus: Yeah, I guess so.
Pero: Even the weakest of individuals have their moments of strength.
Pillz and Primus stared at Pero.
Pero: What? I'm not an idiot all of the time.
Pillz: Come on, let's go!
They stormed into Capt. Taco's main room, where he was waiting for them.
Capt. Taco: Well, well, well. If it isn't the Dysfunctional Duo and their stupid little friend.
Pillz: It's over for you Capt. Taco!
Capt. Taco: Ha! It has just begun. My evil plan of stealing all of those worthless comics was for one simple goal. I wanted to get my hands on all of the issues of Shadowhawk #1 I could find! After getting my hands on a majority of them, I would destroy them, leaving my mint condition copy in it's plastic case to skyrocket in price!
Pillz: That's crazy. A scheme like that would never work! When were you planning to do this?
Capt. Taco: Do it? Pillz, I'm not your common villain. Do you seriously think I would tell you my plan, knowing that you might thwart it? I did it thirty minutes ago!
Capt. Taco let loose a laugh. He didn't notice Crunchy come into the room.
Crunchy: Boss, I got all of those issues of Shadowhawk ready for you to destroy them.
Capt. Taco: You god damn fool! Get the hell out of here.
Pillz: Sucks to be you my friend.
Capt. Taco: Eat shit and die, shithead!
Pillz aimed his ring, he sent out a blast towards Capt. Taco.
Capt. Taco was ready for it. He had reached over and grabbed his shield in time. His shield looked like a giant crunchwrap supreme.* The shield, being yellow, deflected the blast.
*Available at Taco Bell for only $1.99!
Capt. Taco: Woo-hoo. Didn't see that one coming did you?
Pillz: As a matter of fact, I kinda did.
Capt. Taco: Oh yeah, well see this coming! Capt. Taco throws his mighty shield!
Capt. Taco threw his mighty shield at Pillz. Primus jumped out in front of him, butter knives extended.
Primus cut right through the shield, which in fact was a giant crunchwrap supreme.
Primus: Yes! I used my power! And it stopped your stupid shield.
Capt. Taco: It won't stop these.
He held up four tacos in his hand.
Capt. Taco: These are razor sharp Tacorangs.
He threw them at Primus, cutting off his butter knives. Primus screamed in pain.
Capt. Taco: Well. it seems the only one left out of your pathetic group to stop me is the retard.
Pero took one step closer to Capt. Taco.
Pero: Fear the retard.
Pero started to grow. He turned into Pero Hulk. Pero Hulk reached out and grabbed Capt. Taco, crushing his bones in the process.
Primus: Well, I lost my powers, but we won. I guess that's all that matters, right Pillz?
Primus turned around to look at Pillz. But Pillz was not there.
Primus: Pillz!
Pillz came out of another room.
Primus: Why did you run away?
Pillz: I didn't. When I saw that Pero was going to win, I went and destroyed those Shadowhawk books.
Primus: Why?
Pillz: Because Shadowhawk sucks.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Deja Blues
Gweg was alone in the apartment watching the news. Satyr had gone out to check on something, what it was, he would not tell Gweg.
The news program had just brought a story about a missing blind girl when Satyr arrived home.
Gweg: Yay, you're back. It's a shame about this missing blind girl. I wonder how she got lost.
Satyr: They still haven't found her?
Gweg: No. They are still searching....Wait a second, what do you mean "They still haven't found her"? This was a breaking news story that was just on. This is the first time anybody is hearing about it.
Satyr: I heard it on the radio.
Gweg: The radio in the car is broken. What did you do?
Satyr sat down on the couch. He looked down at his hands and then at the ceiling. Gweg kicked him in the leg.
Gweg: Tell me what you did!
Satyr: That hurt! Fine, I'll tell you what happened. Last night, I was, uh, "attending" to myself, and I felt these bumps.
Gweg: How did I know that this would involve your dick?
Satyr: Don't interrupt me. So, I'm feeling these bumps and I'm getting curious about them. So today, I went out and I found this blind girl. I had her "attend" to me and she, you know, "read" the bumps.
Gweg: She "read" the bumps! What the hell does that mean?
Satyr: You know, like Braille. Anyway, she "read", let out a scream, and went off running. I'm surprised she managed to get anywhere, since she's blind and all.
Gweg: You sicken me. Here's what we are going to do. We are going to get in the car, and we are going to search for her.
Satyr: The Twilight Zone Marathon!
Gweg: You've seen them all already! Every time we go to Walden's, you go to the culinary section and scream, "It's a cookbook!"
Satyr laughed.
Gweg: Stop it. We are going to find that poor blind girl, so come on.
Satyr and Gweg got into the car. Satyr got into the driver's side.
Gweg: All right, what direction did she run off to?
Satyr: She ran off to the woods.
Gweg: Let's go to the woods then and search for her there.
They arrived at the woods. The woods in the area were big. They covered roughly 3 square miles. The road went through the middle of them.
Gweg: We'll drive through the woods first, then we'll walk around.
Satyr: Sure thing, el Capitan!
They past a small dirt road that led off into the woods.
Satyr: Well, this sure does bring back some memories.
Gweg: Don't even start with that.
Satyr: What's the matter Gweg? Too painful for you?
Gweg: Let's just worry about the girl.
Satyr: Ok, but it's hard not to think about what that part of the woods means to us.
Gweg couldn't help but think about it. That dirt road was a path to the past. When Gweg first met Satyr.
Gweg tried to keep his attention on looking for the girl, but his mind was drawn to the past. And how he managed to be stuck in situations like this to begin with.
FLASHBACK
Gweg had just gotten off of the phone with Mr. Chambers, the man who had interviewed for a job just the other day. Mr. Chambers called with great news, Gweg had got the job and he started that very day.
Gweg had dressed up in his best outfit, ready for work. His mom looked on with pride in her eyes.
Gweg's Mom: I'm so proud of you Gweg! And I know your father would be proud of you too.
Gweg: Dad's passed out again, isn't he.
Mom: Now, we can't blame your father for the things he does. It's so hard for him to provide for us.
Gweg: He's on disability mom.
Mom: Yes, Gweg. That's the sacrifice he had to make to provide for us.
Gweg: He was a telemarketer. And he only got disability because he answered the phone too fast and hit himself in the head.
Mom: Your father has his faults, but he is a good man.
Gweg knew better than to keep the conversation going. He just nodded and adjusted his tie.
Mom: I want you to take my car to your job today.
Gweg: Are you sure mom?
Mom: Yes Gweg, I know you'll be careful in it.
Gweg: Yes I will mom.
Gweg was all set to go and climbed into his mother's car. Gweg has had a license for two years, but has only driven a car five times.
Gweg's job was located in the city. The city was 3 miles away from the suburbs where Gweg lived.
Gweg had pulled out onto the highway that led to the city. He made sure to drive carefully.
Ahead of him, was the greatest looking car he had ever seen. He was so busy admiring it, that when the driver of the car slammed on his breaks, Gweg couldn't react in time.
Gweg crashed right into the car.
The airbags deployed and Gweg was thrown into one. Gweg stumbled out of the car. The driver of the other car was already out.
The Driver: You got insurance boy?
Gweg: It's my mom's car.
The Driver: Are you insured to drive it?
Gweg: I don't know.
The Driver: Well now, that just might be a problem.
Gweg: I'll pay for the damage. I'm starting a new job today.
The Driver: Oh yeah, you sure are. Your new job is being my bitch!
The Driver ran towards Gweg and knocked him down. Gweg tried to get back up, but the driver, swung at him and knocked him out.
Gweg didn't know how long he had been out, but when he woke up, he was in the trunk of a car.
Gweg knew this from the bumps and screeching of the tires.
The car had stopped. Gweg heard a door open and shut. Gweg the heard two voices talking. One he didn't recognize, the other he knew belonged to the driver of the car he had hit.
Other Man: Hey dude, where's your new wheels?
The Driver: Some punk kid rear ended me.
Other Man: That sucks dude. What did you do to him?
The Driver: Nothing yet, but he's going to be paying for the damages for a while.
Other Man: Heh heh. I bet. Fill 'er up?
The Driver: Yes. I'm going to be camping in the woods tonight with a friend.
Other Man: Sounds like fun.
The Driver: Oh, it will be. It will be.
The other man had filled up the tank and the driver had took off again.
Some time later, the car had stopped again. The driver got out and opened the trunk.
The driver pulled Gweg out and threw him to the ground.
The Driver: Here we are! My favorite place in this crappy county! The woods. This is where I have all of my fun.
Gweg: I'm sorry for hitting you! It was an accident!
The Driver: That may be. But you still need to be taught a lesson.
The Driver reached into the back seat of his car. He pulled out a rifle.
The Driver: You see, you didn't just ram your car into the vehicle of any old man. You rammed into the rear end of Richard the Hunter!
Gweg didn't know why, but he cringed at the name. Richard the Hunter saw it and smiled.
Richard the Hunter: I'm a sporting man. I'm going to give you a five minute head start.
Gweg: What do you mean?
Richard the Hunter: I hunt. But I don't just hunt any old game. I hunt the greatest game of them all: man. And today, I'm going to be hunting you.
Gweg: Please don't do this!
Richard the Hunter: You now have four minutes.
Gweg took off. He ran at fast as he could. He could hear Richard laughing. But then, he heard another noise. It sounded like a motor.
It grew louder. Gweg couldn't help but turn around to look.
Gweg saw a car speeding down the dirt road of which Richard's car was parked. The car didn't bother to slow down. Not until it ran right over Richard the Hunter.
What Gweg saw next amazed him. Out of the car, stepped out some sort of mythological creature. Gweg recognized it as a satyr. It was wearing a trenchcoat and talking on a cellular phone.
The satyr took a look at the body of Richard the Hunter.
The Satyr: Hey Cyber, I'm going to have to call you back. I, uh, just hit a deer.
The satyr put away the phone and looked around. He saw Gweg and started to get worried.
The Satyr: Hey man, the guy jumped right out in front of me.
Gweg: It's all right. The guy was going to kill me.
The Satyr: He was?
Gweg: Yeah.
Gweg told the satyr the story. The satyr took it all in.
The Satyr: Well, only one thing to do now. We got to bury him.
Gweg: With what?
The Satyr: I've got a couple of shovels in my car.
Gweg: Do you always carry shovels in the car with you?
The Satyr: Yes I do.
Gweg: All right. Since we are going to be burying a body together, we should introduce ourselves. My name is Gweg.
The Satyr: Gweg? As in G-W-E-G?
Gweg: Yes. What of it?
The Satyr: Nothing. You can just call me Satyr.
Gweg: Just Satyr? Don't you have a real name.
Satyr: Yes.
Gweg could tell by the look in Satyr's eyes, that it was something he was not going to reveal.
They started digging a hole to put the body in. Gweg couldn't help but notice a resemblance between Satyr and Richard.
Satyr: He sure was one ugly mother fucker.
They buried the body.
Satyr: Hey man. Since I just saved your life and all, do you think I could ask a favor of you?
Gweg: Ok.
Satyr: I need a roommate. How do you feel about coming to live in my apartment.
Gweg: Well, I am looking to get out of my parents house. I guess I could.
Satyr: All right? Gweg, this looks to be the start of a beautiful friendship.
End Flashback.
Gweg shook his head and got the images of that day out of it. He looked over at Satyr.
Gweg: What were you doing in the woods that day anyway?
Satyr: Uh. Bird watching.
Gweg: Wait a second! Richard said he was going to be camping with a friend that night. You had two shovels in your car for no apparent reason at all. You were his friend! You were going to hunt me along with him ! That's why he never ran away when you were coming! He was expecting you!
Satyr: It took you this long to figure all of that out.
Gweg: I should kill you right now.
Satyr: Still doesn't change the fact that I saved your life.
Gweg: Oh my god! That's why you needed a new roommate!
Satyr: Oh get over it Gweg. That was a long time ago. I've moved on. It's behind us now.
Gweg: I just can't believe all of this.
Satyr: I can't believe I'm still driving. Here, you take over. We'll go back down the road again, this time you drive and I'll look for the blind girl.
Gweg: Fine.
Gweg took over driving, but he still could not get the thought of what really was going on that day out of his head.
He wasn't really paying attention to the road at all. Not until he hit something.
Gweg slammed on the breaks and looked over at Satyr.
Gweg: What did I hit?
Satyr: Uh, a deer.
Gweg: You are lying, aren't you?
Satyr: It's a good thing I brought the shovels.
The End.
The news program had just brought a story about a missing blind girl when Satyr arrived home.
Gweg: Yay, you're back. It's a shame about this missing blind girl. I wonder how she got lost.
Satyr: They still haven't found her?
Gweg: No. They are still searching....Wait a second, what do you mean "They still haven't found her"? This was a breaking news story that was just on. This is the first time anybody is hearing about it.
Satyr: I heard it on the radio.
Gweg: The radio in the car is broken. What did you do?
Satyr sat down on the couch. He looked down at his hands and then at the ceiling. Gweg kicked him in the leg.
Gweg: Tell me what you did!
Satyr: That hurt! Fine, I'll tell you what happened. Last night, I was, uh, "attending" to myself, and I felt these bumps.
Gweg: How did I know that this would involve your dick?
Satyr: Don't interrupt me. So, I'm feeling these bumps and I'm getting curious about them. So today, I went out and I found this blind girl. I had her "attend" to me and she, you know, "read" the bumps.
Gweg: She "read" the bumps! What the hell does that mean?
Satyr: You know, like Braille. Anyway, she "read", let out a scream, and went off running. I'm surprised she managed to get anywhere, since she's blind and all.
Gweg: You sicken me. Here's what we are going to do. We are going to get in the car, and we are going to search for her.
Satyr: The Twilight Zone Marathon!
Gweg: You've seen them all already! Every time we go to Walden's, you go to the culinary section and scream, "It's a cookbook!"
Satyr laughed.
Gweg: Stop it. We are going to find that poor blind girl, so come on.
Satyr and Gweg got into the car. Satyr got into the driver's side.
Gweg: All right, what direction did she run off to?
Satyr: She ran off to the woods.
Gweg: Let's go to the woods then and search for her there.
They arrived at the woods. The woods in the area were big. They covered roughly 3 square miles. The road went through the middle of them.
Gweg: We'll drive through the woods first, then we'll walk around.
Satyr: Sure thing, el Capitan!
They past a small dirt road that led off into the woods.
Satyr: Well, this sure does bring back some memories.
Gweg: Don't even start with that.
Satyr: What's the matter Gweg? Too painful for you?
Gweg: Let's just worry about the girl.
Satyr: Ok, but it's hard not to think about what that part of the woods means to us.
Gweg couldn't help but think about it. That dirt road was a path to the past. When Gweg first met Satyr.
Gweg tried to keep his attention on looking for the girl, but his mind was drawn to the past. And how he managed to be stuck in situations like this to begin with.
FLASHBACK
Gweg had just gotten off of the phone with Mr. Chambers, the man who had interviewed for a job just the other day. Mr. Chambers called with great news, Gweg had got the job and he started that very day.
Gweg had dressed up in his best outfit, ready for work. His mom looked on with pride in her eyes.
Gweg's Mom: I'm so proud of you Gweg! And I know your father would be proud of you too.
Gweg: Dad's passed out again, isn't he.
Mom: Now, we can't blame your father for the things he does. It's so hard for him to provide for us.
Gweg: He's on disability mom.
Mom: Yes, Gweg. That's the sacrifice he had to make to provide for us.
Gweg: He was a telemarketer. And he only got disability because he answered the phone too fast and hit himself in the head.
Mom: Your father has his faults, but he is a good man.
Gweg knew better than to keep the conversation going. He just nodded and adjusted his tie.
Mom: I want you to take my car to your job today.
Gweg: Are you sure mom?
Mom: Yes Gweg, I know you'll be careful in it.
Gweg: Yes I will mom.
Gweg was all set to go and climbed into his mother's car. Gweg has had a license for two years, but has only driven a car five times.
Gweg's job was located in the city. The city was 3 miles away from the suburbs where Gweg lived.
Gweg had pulled out onto the highway that led to the city. He made sure to drive carefully.
Ahead of him, was the greatest looking car he had ever seen. He was so busy admiring it, that when the driver of the car slammed on his breaks, Gweg couldn't react in time.
Gweg crashed right into the car.
The airbags deployed and Gweg was thrown into one. Gweg stumbled out of the car. The driver of the other car was already out.
The Driver: You got insurance boy?
Gweg: It's my mom's car.
The Driver: Are you insured to drive it?
Gweg: I don't know.
The Driver: Well now, that just might be a problem.
Gweg: I'll pay for the damage. I'm starting a new job today.
The Driver: Oh yeah, you sure are. Your new job is being my bitch!
The Driver ran towards Gweg and knocked him down. Gweg tried to get back up, but the driver, swung at him and knocked him out.
Gweg didn't know how long he had been out, but when he woke up, he was in the trunk of a car.
Gweg knew this from the bumps and screeching of the tires.
The car had stopped. Gweg heard a door open and shut. Gweg the heard two voices talking. One he didn't recognize, the other he knew belonged to the driver of the car he had hit.
Other Man: Hey dude, where's your new wheels?
The Driver: Some punk kid rear ended me.
Other Man: That sucks dude. What did you do to him?
The Driver: Nothing yet, but he's going to be paying for the damages for a while.
Other Man: Heh heh. I bet. Fill 'er up?
The Driver: Yes. I'm going to be camping in the woods tonight with a friend.
Other Man: Sounds like fun.
The Driver: Oh, it will be. It will be.
The other man had filled up the tank and the driver had took off again.
Some time later, the car had stopped again. The driver got out and opened the trunk.
The driver pulled Gweg out and threw him to the ground.
The Driver: Here we are! My favorite place in this crappy county! The woods. This is where I have all of my fun.
Gweg: I'm sorry for hitting you! It was an accident!
The Driver: That may be. But you still need to be taught a lesson.
The Driver reached into the back seat of his car. He pulled out a rifle.
The Driver: You see, you didn't just ram your car into the vehicle of any old man. You rammed into the rear end of Richard the Hunter!
Gweg didn't know why, but he cringed at the name. Richard the Hunter saw it and smiled.
Richard the Hunter: I'm a sporting man. I'm going to give you a five minute head start.
Gweg: What do you mean?
Richard the Hunter: I hunt. But I don't just hunt any old game. I hunt the greatest game of them all: man. And today, I'm going to be hunting you.
Gweg: Please don't do this!
Richard the Hunter: You now have four minutes.
Gweg took off. He ran at fast as he could. He could hear Richard laughing. But then, he heard another noise. It sounded like a motor.
It grew louder. Gweg couldn't help but turn around to look.
Gweg saw a car speeding down the dirt road of which Richard's car was parked. The car didn't bother to slow down. Not until it ran right over Richard the Hunter.
What Gweg saw next amazed him. Out of the car, stepped out some sort of mythological creature. Gweg recognized it as a satyr. It was wearing a trenchcoat and talking on a cellular phone.
The satyr took a look at the body of Richard the Hunter.
The Satyr: Hey Cyber, I'm going to have to call you back. I, uh, just hit a deer.
The satyr put away the phone and looked around. He saw Gweg and started to get worried.
The Satyr: Hey man, the guy jumped right out in front of me.
Gweg: It's all right. The guy was going to kill me.
The Satyr: He was?
Gweg: Yeah.
Gweg told the satyr the story. The satyr took it all in.
The Satyr: Well, only one thing to do now. We got to bury him.
Gweg: With what?
The Satyr: I've got a couple of shovels in my car.
Gweg: Do you always carry shovels in the car with you?
The Satyr: Yes I do.
Gweg: All right. Since we are going to be burying a body together, we should introduce ourselves. My name is Gweg.
The Satyr: Gweg? As in G-W-E-G?
Gweg: Yes. What of it?
The Satyr: Nothing. You can just call me Satyr.
Gweg: Just Satyr? Don't you have a real name.
Satyr: Yes.
Gweg could tell by the look in Satyr's eyes, that it was something he was not going to reveal.
They started digging a hole to put the body in. Gweg couldn't help but notice a resemblance between Satyr and Richard.
Satyr: He sure was one ugly mother fucker.
They buried the body.
Satyr: Hey man. Since I just saved your life and all, do you think I could ask a favor of you?
Gweg: Ok.
Satyr: I need a roommate. How do you feel about coming to live in my apartment.
Gweg: Well, I am looking to get out of my parents house. I guess I could.
Satyr: All right? Gweg, this looks to be the start of a beautiful friendship.
End Flashback.
Gweg shook his head and got the images of that day out of it. He looked over at Satyr.
Gweg: What were you doing in the woods that day anyway?
Satyr: Uh. Bird watching.
Gweg: Wait a second! Richard said he was going to be camping with a friend that night. You had two shovels in your car for no apparent reason at all. You were his friend! You were going to hunt me along with him ! That's why he never ran away when you were coming! He was expecting you!
Satyr: It took you this long to figure all of that out.
Gweg: I should kill you right now.
Satyr: Still doesn't change the fact that I saved your life.
Gweg: Oh my god! That's why you needed a new roommate!
Satyr: Oh get over it Gweg. That was a long time ago. I've moved on. It's behind us now.
Gweg: I just can't believe all of this.
Satyr: I can't believe I'm still driving. Here, you take over. We'll go back down the road again, this time you drive and I'll look for the blind girl.
Gweg: Fine.
Gweg took over driving, but he still could not get the thought of what really was going on that day out of his head.
He wasn't really paying attention to the road at all. Not until he hit something.
Gweg slammed on the breaks and looked over at Satyr.
Gweg: What did I hit?
Satyr: Uh, a deer.
Gweg: You are lying, aren't you?
Satyr: It's a good thing I brought the shovels.
The End.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Counterfeit Money: Redux
Gweg was in the front room trying to watch tv. Only, he couldn't he hear, no matter how loud he turned it up. The laughter emanating from Satyr's room kept drowning it out.
Gweg got up and went to Satyr's room and pounded on the door.
Satyr opened it up, his hands were covered in green ink.
Gweg: What are you doing?
Satyr: I'm making counterfeit money.
Gweg: Well, instead of a stupid money making scheme, you've just decided to do some stupid money making. Have fun getting raped in jail when you get caught.
Satyr: Gweg, you need to understand something here.
Gweg: What's that?
Satyr: This simple fact: Whatever I do, it's the right thing to do. Everything I do is done for a reason.
Gweg: And what reason is that?
Satyr: Do I have to have a reason for everything?
Gweg: Whatever. Just keep it down in here, I'm trying to watch some tv.
Satyr: Wait a second. I want you to look at the money.
Satyr handed Gweg one of the bills. Gweg looked at the back of it. It looked like an ordinary 20, until Gweg read was printed on it.
Gweg: "In Bob Dylan We Trust." Geez, no one will ever be able to tell this is a fake. Why did you put that on there?
Satyr: Because 'In God We Trust' caused to much controversy. Therefore, I took out god, and I picked a suitable replacement, somebody all Americans could get behind, and that man is Bob Dylan.
Gweg: Why couldn't you put something like, 'Our Leaders', or 'Our Founding Fathers', or 'A Higher Power'?
Satyr: These people that you mention, yes I know them, they are quite lame.
Gweg rolled his eyes and looked at the front of the bill. Instead of seeing Andrew Jackson, he saw a picture some guy with a bad hairdo and a beard.
Gweg: Who in the hell is this?
Satyr: That's George Lucas of course.
Gweg: You don't expect anybody to actually accept this money, do you?
Satyr: Let me tell you something about the typical human being. They don't pay attention to detail. They are always in a rush. Trust me, when they do see the changes I've made, it will be too late for them to pin it on somebody.
Gweg: All right. Let's go see. Why don't you buy our supper tonight with your money.
Satyr: Fine. You'll see. Along with supper, you'll be eating your words.
Gweg: That was lame.
Satyr: Not as lame as your face.
Gweg: Let's just go already.
Gweg and Satyr went to the local hotdog stand. There, you order at your car and the carhop brings your food to you and takes your money.
Gweg and Satyr ordered some food and the carhop chick brought back to them.
Carhop Chick: That'll be $15.45.
Satyr handed her one of his twenties.
Satyr: Keep the change doll.
The carhop chick took one look at the money and gave Satyr a nasty look.
Carhop Chick: Listen sir, I'm not an idiot. I know this isn't a real 20. Who in the hell is this fat guy on here anyway?
Satyr: That's George Lucas, creator of Star Wars.
Carhop Chick: Whatever. Give me the food back and I won't call the cops on you.
Gweg: Told you so.
Satyr: Shut it.
Satyr handed the Carhop Chick back all of the food.
Satyr: Their dogs taste like shit anyway.
Gweg: Well, it looks like all of that hard work you were doing was for nothing.
Satyr: Oh, I still have some use for this money.
That Sunday, at the local church:
Preacher: And now we shall pass the collection plate around.
After the plate made it's rounds, it was given back to the preacher. He looked at it with pure joy on his face and shouted "Hallelujah!". The plate was filled with the most money he had ever seen in it.
Preacher: I would like to thank God for sending such generous souls to this church.
The preacher picked up one of the bills.
Preacher: You see this brethren, this is a sign that God watches out for his own...
The preacher then had a stumped look on his face.
Preacher: "In Bob Dylan We Trust"? What the fuck is this shit? And who in the hell is this fat guy?
Gweg got up and went to Satyr's room and pounded on the door.
Satyr opened it up, his hands were covered in green ink.
Gweg: What are you doing?
Satyr: I'm making counterfeit money.
Gweg: Well, instead of a stupid money making scheme, you've just decided to do some stupid money making. Have fun getting raped in jail when you get caught.
Satyr: Gweg, you need to understand something here.
Gweg: What's that?
Satyr: This simple fact: Whatever I do, it's the right thing to do. Everything I do is done for a reason.
Gweg: And what reason is that?
Satyr: Do I have to have a reason for everything?
Gweg: Whatever. Just keep it down in here, I'm trying to watch some tv.
Satyr: Wait a second. I want you to look at the money.
Satyr handed Gweg one of the bills. Gweg looked at the back of it. It looked like an ordinary 20, until Gweg read was printed on it.
Gweg: "In Bob Dylan We Trust." Geez, no one will ever be able to tell this is a fake. Why did you put that on there?
Satyr: Because 'In God We Trust' caused to much controversy. Therefore, I took out god, and I picked a suitable replacement, somebody all Americans could get behind, and that man is Bob Dylan.
Gweg: Why couldn't you put something like, 'Our Leaders', or 'Our Founding Fathers', or 'A Higher Power'?
Satyr: These people that you mention, yes I know them, they are quite lame.
Gweg rolled his eyes and looked at the front of the bill. Instead of seeing Andrew Jackson, he saw a picture some guy with a bad hairdo and a beard.
Gweg: Who in the hell is this?
Satyr: That's George Lucas of course.
Gweg: You don't expect anybody to actually accept this money, do you?
Satyr: Let me tell you something about the typical human being. They don't pay attention to detail. They are always in a rush. Trust me, when they do see the changes I've made, it will be too late for them to pin it on somebody.
Gweg: All right. Let's go see. Why don't you buy our supper tonight with your money.
Satyr: Fine. You'll see. Along with supper, you'll be eating your words.
Gweg: That was lame.
Satyr: Not as lame as your face.
Gweg: Let's just go already.
Gweg and Satyr went to the local hotdog stand. There, you order at your car and the carhop brings your food to you and takes your money.
Gweg and Satyr ordered some food and the carhop chick brought back to them.
Carhop Chick: That'll be $15.45.
Satyr handed her one of his twenties.
Satyr: Keep the change doll.
The carhop chick took one look at the money and gave Satyr a nasty look.
Carhop Chick: Listen sir, I'm not an idiot. I know this isn't a real 20. Who in the hell is this fat guy on here anyway?
Satyr: That's George Lucas, creator of Star Wars.
Carhop Chick: Whatever. Give me the food back and I won't call the cops on you.
Gweg: Told you so.
Satyr: Shut it.
Satyr handed the Carhop Chick back all of the food.
Satyr: Their dogs taste like shit anyway.
Gweg: Well, it looks like all of that hard work you were doing was for nothing.
Satyr: Oh, I still have some use for this money.
That Sunday, at the local church:
Preacher: And now we shall pass the collection plate around.
After the plate made it's rounds, it was given back to the preacher. He looked at it with pure joy on his face and shouted "Hallelujah!". The plate was filled with the most money he had ever seen in it.
Preacher: I would like to thank God for sending such generous souls to this church.
The preacher picked up one of the bills.
Preacher: You see this brethren, this is a sign that God watches out for his own...
The preacher then had a stumped look on his face.
Preacher: "In Bob Dylan We Trust"? What the fuck is this shit? And who in the hell is this fat guy?
Monday, December 05, 2005
The Dark Lord Zexotellian
The apartment was quiet. A little too quiet. Gweg had decided to take a morning jog. When he left, Satyr was still in bed, with his alarm clock going off. Gweg expected to come home to find Satyr up to something, but the apartment seemed empty.
Gweg then realized it was Thursday. For the past few months, Satyr disappeared for several hours every Thursday. Satyr never said what he was up to and Gweg never bothered to ask.
He decided to make most of the alone time he had today. Maybe he could get some cleaning done. Or organize some shelves. Or catch up on some reading.
Gweg: You know what? Fuck it all, I'm just going to be lazy today. I'm going to mess around on the computer.
And he did. And why not? Satyr hogged it most of the time.
Gweg spent the next couple of hours playing games and checking out websites that pertained to his interests.
Gweg was starting to get bored and decided to check out a chat room. Unfortunately, Gweg was a little naive to the whole chat room experience, and he accidently entered a gothic chat room.
*gweg has entered the room*
lestatlover666: hello gweg
gweg: Hi.
lestatlover666: how r u.
gweg: I'm fine. How are you?
lestatlover666: depressed miserable suicidal...the usual
xxxdemondogxxx: i have a new knife. it cuts my skin really good. i shall bleed a lot.
lestatlover666: how often do u cut yourself gweg?
gweg: Never.
lestatlover666: lol. then what do u do to deal with the pain?
gweg: I just deal with it.
reapersimage: the pain draws our spirits together. we are one in the darkness. we are one in his eyes!
xxxdemondogxxx: i can feel the pain. the pain has kept me alive. cutting brings the pain.
gweg: I think I'm in the wrong chatroom.
lestatlover666: no you are not. i can feel your pain gweg. what is it?
gweg: Well, my roommate is a major pain in the ass.
reapersimage: you wish to rid yourself of this pain?
gweg: I would like to.
lestatlover666: we can help you.
reapersimage: HE can help you!
gweg: Who?
reapersimage: The Dark Lord Zexotellian!
lestatlover666: ALL HAIL THE DARK LORD!
xxxdemondogxxx: all hail the dark lord. dark lord zexotellian he is our dark lord
reapersimage: just give us the word, and we will call him to you.
gweg: Yeah. You have my word.
*gweg has left the room*
Gweg quickly logged out of the room and left the computer. He couldn't believe some of the psychos on the internet.
Gweg went out into the kitchen to make himself a sandwich. As he was getting into the fridge, he heard a loud boom coming from the front room.
Gweg ran into the room to see what it was. There was a bunch of black smoke. After it dwindled out, Gweg saw a 6 and a half foot tall handsome man, with jet black hair. He was wearing a three piece suit that was as black as his hair.
The Man: Hello. I am Zexotellian. I am the dark lord of the 7th Netherworld. There are 218 in all. I'm going to go ahead and assume you are Gweg.
Gweg: Yes I am. But, I didn't really want you here. The people in the chat room said they were going to get you, but I though they were stoned or something.
Zexotellian: Those dickweed little goths! The fucking did it to me again. My agent told me, "Zexo, if you ever want to rule the 1st Netherworld, you need to advertise more. " So he suggested making myself a website. And the only people who visit are these pathetic goths.
Gweg: Uh, I'm sorry. Well, I really don't need you.
Zexotellian: Whoa! You just wait one little second there. I'm not some sort of second rate clown act that you can just call up every time you want to impress your friends.
Gweg: But I didn't.
Zexotellian: I don't care wether or not you did. The fact is, you told those little ass munching goths you needed something taken care of. And they called me up to do it for you.
Gweg: It was all a misunderstanding.
Zexotellian: Hey! I'm Zexotellian. Ruler of the 7th Netherworld, ok? Now, that's not something you are born into or handed to on a silver platter, ok? I had to work my ass off. I took over the 115th Netherworld when I was 2025 years old. And I have since worked my way up to the 7th. Now most Dark Lords, once the rule a Netherworld, they are content on staying there. Not me. When people hear the name "Zexotellian", they are going to think of "success"!
Gweg: When I saw your name, I thought that kid was smoking some serious fucking crack.
Zexotellian: Listen here mortal! I'm tired of people thinking they can have their way with me! I'm not your momma. I'm not going to bend over and grab my ankles just because you called me up wanting a good time! You look at the history of this world! Most of the major events in this world happened because of the Dark Lords. And I was responsible for a few of those myself. But only one of the Dark Lords managed to make himself famous. Only because he carved his name into a tree. That moss licking son-of-a-bitch Croatoan!
Gweg: Listen. I'm sorry, but I don't need your help. I only told those goths that I had a problem with my roommate.
Zexotellian: So, you want your roommate dead, huh?
Gweg: Well yeah, but I don't need you to kill him.
Zexotellian: Oh, I'm sorry Gweg. You see, I have to do it. I won't leave until the job I am called upon to do is done. But I'll tell you now, there is a small price to pay for my services.
Gweg: And what price is that?
Zexotellian: Well, usually depends on what kind of job it is. For offing a person, the price is a small sacrifice.
Gweg: What sacrifice.
Zexotellian: Mainly, killing everybody in your whole town.
Gweg: Hey now! I didn't want you here! This is bullshit! You're not welcome, so go back to your little Netherworld and leave me alone.
Zexotellian: Do I have to remind you that I am a Dark Lord. That I am the ruler of the 7th Netherworld. That's the 7th, mind you. I will rule the first and send that two-bit log smoking Croatoan out on his tree hugging ass!
Gweg: Yeah. that's good and all. But, it still doesn't change the fact that you are not wanted here.
Zexotellian: Well, you sound like a whinny little good for nothing loser. No wonder you were in that chat room. Now, where is your roommate at?
Gweg: I don't know where he is. He always disappears on Thursdays.
Zexotellian: Oh, he disappeared? Is he a magician?
Gweg: No, he's a satyr.
Zexotellian: Oh goodie. I get to deal with a loud mouth satyr. Oh well. I'm going to go get a bite to eat at McDonald's. If this Satyr is not here when I get back, I'll just have to hunt him down.
Zexotellian left the apartment. Gweg sat down on the couch. He had never been this worried before in his life. He had no idea how he was going to stop Zexotellian from killing Satyr and then everyone else in town.
Five minutes later. Satyr came home.
Satyr: I'll tell you what Gweg, I'm glad the finally got both lanes open on Main Street now. I was passing those slow ass fuckers like there was no tomorrow. Anyway, I got pulled over. Can I borrow 120 dollars?
Gweg: We are in some deep shit.
Satyr: No were not. It's only my third ticket this year.
Gweg: Not that.
Gweg told him what happened.
Satyr: So, you called up a dark lord to kill me huh? And after all that I have done for you!
Gweg: I didn't call him up! The freaking goths did!
Satyr: All right. It's ok. I've had a dealing with a Dark Lord myself once. A little over 400 years ago, when I was banished here to Earth, I lived in this little colony. Anyway, the father of some chick I was doing wanted to kill me, so I asked the local Indians for a favor. They called upon the god they worshipped and it turned out to be a Dark Lord. Anyway, he killed the father and then the whole town.
Gweg: That's what he said. After he kills you, he will kill everyone else in town.
Satyr: Bad deal huh? Well, there's got to be something about it on the net. You said he had a website?
Gweg: Yeah.
Satyr: All right. Let's get to work.
Satyr got on the computer and typed in www.zexotellian.com. The website he got featured a lot of propaganda about Zexotellian, but nothing that would help them.
Satyr: Don't fret Gweg. You can find everything on the net. How long do you think he'll be out?
Gweg: I don't know. He only left because you weren't here. Which reminds me, where were you?
Satyr: The same place I've been going to every Thursday for the past five months.
Gweg: Where's that?
Satyr: The Children's Hospital.
Gweg was shocked to hear this.
Gweg: What are you doing there?
Satyr: There's this little boy named Michael there. He's dying of cancer. So every Thursday, I go over there and play games with him. He's a fun kid.
Gweg couldn't believe what he was hearing. This was a side of Satyr that he had never seen. He wondered why Satyr had kept this from him.
Gweg: I have to admit, I never expected that from you. That you would be kind enough to give this kid some happiness before he dies is remarkable. I take back every bad thing I ever said about you.
Satyr: I wouldn't be doing it if his mother wasn't so goddamn hot. As soon as the kid croaks, she's going to want a shoulder to cry on. And then she's going need some therapy. Some "8 inches of making her want to scream" therapy.
Gweg: I'm starting to think sacrificing the whole town would be worth it.
Satyr: Ah! Here we go. Good ol' Wikipedia. According to this, a Dark Lord will not return to his Netherworld until the task he has been called upon is finished. When he is called upon to kill somebody, he is required by Netherworld law to kill the remaining people in the town after he has killed the target. It is unknown why this is. However, if the Dark Lord kills somebody before the target, he will have to immediately return to his Netherworld where he will be reprimanded.
Gweg: So, we have to get him to kill somebody else before he kills you?
Satyr: Looks that way.
Gweg: God, this is horrible.
Satyr: Don't worry. I know what to do. Tell Zexotellian when he comes back that I will coming home shortly.
Gweg: What are you going to do?
Satyr: Just stay here. I'll be back in a little bit and this whole sordid mess will be behind us.
Satyr left. About 15 minutes after he was gone. Zexotellian came back.
Zexotellian. Well. I see your satyr friend hasn't come back yet.
Gweg: He called a little bit ago. He's on his way.
Zexotellian: Good. Let me tell you something, the people that are working at your McDonald's are a bunch of ignorant little puss bags. I get up to the counter and I order a Big Mac. Now, I hate that middle bun they have in there. So I tell this greasy fat little thing that's taking my order to make sure they don't put in the middle bun. And what do they do? They put in the middle bun. So, I take my sandwich back up there and I show it to the girl. I asked her, "What is this?" and she looks at me as though I asked her what the square root of 56,000 was. I tell her, "I want a Big Mac without the middle bun." And this little pimply pig of a bitch tells me, If I don't like it, I can just take it off myself. So I demand to see her manager. Her manager comes strolling up, this dipshit little homo, and I tell him, "Listen here. I'm the Dark Lord Zexotellian. I am the ruler of the 7th Netherworld, and I demand a refund!" And then he has the audacity to....
Gweg decided to stop listening there. He figured Zexotellian would go on and on until Satyr got back. He hoped to hell that Satyr knew what he was doing.
Meanwhile.
Satyr arrived at the Children's Hospital.
Michael: Hiya Mr. Satyr! What are you doing back here?
Satyr: Well, I talked to your mommy and your doctor, and they agreed to let you spend a few hours with me outside the hospital!
Michael: Oh boy! I can't wait! It's been so long since I've been outside. You are my hero Mr. Satyr!
Satyr: No, you're my hero Michael. I wish I had had the strength you have.
Michael: Do you really mean that Mr. Satyr?
Satyr: Yes I do Michael. Do you want to play a fun game?
Michael: You bet! What kind of game?
Satyr: We are going to play a fun trick on somebody.
Michael: What are we going to do?
Satyr: You get to dress up like a satyr and pretend to be me!
Michael: That sounds like fun Mr. Satyr!
Satyr: You know it! Come on.
And later, back at the apartment.
Zexotellian: So, the little faggot has called the cops on me. I let go of the bitch and I tell her she should have enjoyed that because that's the only time a man is ever going to get that close to her. So the cops show up and they start asking questions, so I put them in a trance....
Gweg droned him out again. He though he heard somebody talking outside the door.
Outside the door.
Satyr: Ok Michael. Now run in there and say, "Hey Gweg, I'm home!"
Michael: This doesn't sound like a very fun trick Mr. Satyr.
Satyr: Trust me. Have I ever let you down before?
Michael: No.
Michael ran into the room screaming what Satyr told him to say.
Zexotellian: Ah-ha! Time to die, Satyr!
Gweg: No wait! That's not...
But it was too late. Zexotellian shot some sort of energy wave out at Michael. It struck him and wrapped itself around him, squeezing him until all the life was sucked out of him.
Zexotellian: Oh shit. Something's wrong.
Zexotellian started shaking and black smoked appeared underneath him.
Satyr entered the room.
Satyr: So long, sucker!
Zexotellian: No! You can't do this to me! I'm Zexotell....
The black smoke completely surrounded him, a moment later, the smoke and Zexotellian were gone.
Gweg: Don't tell me that was the cancer kid.
Satyr: It was.
Gweg: How could you do that to him?
Satyr: What? He was going to die anyway. And now it wasn't in vain. God, you are such a pessimistic. No wonder you were visiting gothic chat rooms.
The End.
Gweg then realized it was Thursday. For the past few months, Satyr disappeared for several hours every Thursday. Satyr never said what he was up to and Gweg never bothered to ask.
He decided to make most of the alone time he had today. Maybe he could get some cleaning done. Or organize some shelves. Or catch up on some reading.
Gweg: You know what? Fuck it all, I'm just going to be lazy today. I'm going to mess around on the computer.
And he did. And why not? Satyr hogged it most of the time.
Gweg spent the next couple of hours playing games and checking out websites that pertained to his interests.
Gweg was starting to get bored and decided to check out a chat room. Unfortunately, Gweg was a little naive to the whole chat room experience, and he accidently entered a gothic chat room.
*gweg has entered the room*
lestatlover666: hello gweg
gweg: Hi.
lestatlover666: how r u.
gweg: I'm fine. How are you?
lestatlover666: depressed miserable suicidal...the usual
xxxdemondogxxx: i have a new knife. it cuts my skin really good. i shall bleed a lot.
lestatlover666: how often do u cut yourself gweg?
gweg: Never.
lestatlover666: lol. then what do u do to deal with the pain?
gweg: I just deal with it.
reapersimage: the pain draws our spirits together. we are one in the darkness. we are one in his eyes!
xxxdemondogxxx: i can feel the pain. the pain has kept me alive. cutting brings the pain.
gweg: I think I'm in the wrong chatroom.
lestatlover666: no you are not. i can feel your pain gweg. what is it?
gweg: Well, my roommate is a major pain in the ass.
reapersimage: you wish to rid yourself of this pain?
gweg: I would like to.
lestatlover666: we can help you.
reapersimage: HE can help you!
gweg: Who?
reapersimage: The Dark Lord Zexotellian!
lestatlover666: ALL HAIL THE DARK LORD!
xxxdemondogxxx: all hail the dark lord. dark lord zexotellian he is our dark lord
reapersimage: just give us the word, and we will call him to you.
gweg: Yeah. You have my word.
*gweg has left the room*
Gweg quickly logged out of the room and left the computer. He couldn't believe some of the psychos on the internet.
Gweg went out into the kitchen to make himself a sandwich. As he was getting into the fridge, he heard a loud boom coming from the front room.
Gweg ran into the room to see what it was. There was a bunch of black smoke. After it dwindled out, Gweg saw a 6 and a half foot tall handsome man, with jet black hair. He was wearing a three piece suit that was as black as his hair.
The Man: Hello. I am Zexotellian. I am the dark lord of the 7th Netherworld. There are 218 in all. I'm going to go ahead and assume you are Gweg.
Gweg: Yes I am. But, I didn't really want you here. The people in the chat room said they were going to get you, but I though they were stoned or something.
Zexotellian: Those dickweed little goths! The fucking did it to me again. My agent told me, "Zexo, if you ever want to rule the 1st Netherworld, you need to advertise more. " So he suggested making myself a website. And the only people who visit are these pathetic goths.
Gweg: Uh, I'm sorry. Well, I really don't need you.
Zexotellian: Whoa! You just wait one little second there. I'm not some sort of second rate clown act that you can just call up every time you want to impress your friends.
Gweg: But I didn't.
Zexotellian: I don't care wether or not you did. The fact is, you told those little ass munching goths you needed something taken care of. And they called me up to do it for you.
Gweg: It was all a misunderstanding.
Zexotellian: Hey! I'm Zexotellian. Ruler of the 7th Netherworld, ok? Now, that's not something you are born into or handed to on a silver platter, ok? I had to work my ass off. I took over the 115th Netherworld when I was 2025 years old. And I have since worked my way up to the 7th. Now most Dark Lords, once the rule a Netherworld, they are content on staying there. Not me. When people hear the name "Zexotellian", they are going to think of "success"!
Gweg: When I saw your name, I thought that kid was smoking some serious fucking crack.
Zexotellian: Listen here mortal! I'm tired of people thinking they can have their way with me! I'm not your momma. I'm not going to bend over and grab my ankles just because you called me up wanting a good time! You look at the history of this world! Most of the major events in this world happened because of the Dark Lords. And I was responsible for a few of those myself. But only one of the Dark Lords managed to make himself famous. Only because he carved his name into a tree. That moss licking son-of-a-bitch Croatoan!
Gweg: Listen. I'm sorry, but I don't need your help. I only told those goths that I had a problem with my roommate.
Zexotellian: So, you want your roommate dead, huh?
Gweg: Well yeah, but I don't need you to kill him.
Zexotellian: Oh, I'm sorry Gweg. You see, I have to do it. I won't leave until the job I am called upon to do is done. But I'll tell you now, there is a small price to pay for my services.
Gweg: And what price is that?
Zexotellian: Well, usually depends on what kind of job it is. For offing a person, the price is a small sacrifice.
Gweg: What sacrifice.
Zexotellian: Mainly, killing everybody in your whole town.
Gweg: Hey now! I didn't want you here! This is bullshit! You're not welcome, so go back to your little Netherworld and leave me alone.
Zexotellian: Do I have to remind you that I am a Dark Lord. That I am the ruler of the 7th Netherworld. That's the 7th, mind you. I will rule the first and send that two-bit log smoking Croatoan out on his tree hugging ass!
Gweg: Yeah. that's good and all. But, it still doesn't change the fact that you are not wanted here.
Zexotellian: Well, you sound like a whinny little good for nothing loser. No wonder you were in that chat room. Now, where is your roommate at?
Gweg: I don't know where he is. He always disappears on Thursdays.
Zexotellian: Oh, he disappeared? Is he a magician?
Gweg: No, he's a satyr.
Zexotellian: Oh goodie. I get to deal with a loud mouth satyr. Oh well. I'm going to go get a bite to eat at McDonald's. If this Satyr is not here when I get back, I'll just have to hunt him down.
Zexotellian left the apartment. Gweg sat down on the couch. He had never been this worried before in his life. He had no idea how he was going to stop Zexotellian from killing Satyr and then everyone else in town.
Five minutes later. Satyr came home.
Satyr: I'll tell you what Gweg, I'm glad the finally got both lanes open on Main Street now. I was passing those slow ass fuckers like there was no tomorrow. Anyway, I got pulled over. Can I borrow 120 dollars?
Gweg: We are in some deep shit.
Satyr: No were not. It's only my third ticket this year.
Gweg: Not that.
Gweg told him what happened.
Satyr: So, you called up a dark lord to kill me huh? And after all that I have done for you!
Gweg: I didn't call him up! The freaking goths did!
Satyr: All right. It's ok. I've had a dealing with a Dark Lord myself once. A little over 400 years ago, when I was banished here to Earth, I lived in this little colony. Anyway, the father of some chick I was doing wanted to kill me, so I asked the local Indians for a favor. They called upon the god they worshipped and it turned out to be a Dark Lord. Anyway, he killed the father and then the whole town.
Gweg: That's what he said. After he kills you, he will kill everyone else in town.
Satyr: Bad deal huh? Well, there's got to be something about it on the net. You said he had a website?
Gweg: Yeah.
Satyr: All right. Let's get to work.
Satyr got on the computer and typed in www.zexotellian.com. The website he got featured a lot of propaganda about Zexotellian, but nothing that would help them.
Satyr: Don't fret Gweg. You can find everything on the net. How long do you think he'll be out?
Gweg: I don't know. He only left because you weren't here. Which reminds me, where were you?
Satyr: The same place I've been going to every Thursday for the past five months.
Gweg: Where's that?
Satyr: The Children's Hospital.
Gweg was shocked to hear this.
Gweg: What are you doing there?
Satyr: There's this little boy named Michael there. He's dying of cancer. So every Thursday, I go over there and play games with him. He's a fun kid.
Gweg couldn't believe what he was hearing. This was a side of Satyr that he had never seen. He wondered why Satyr had kept this from him.
Gweg: I have to admit, I never expected that from you. That you would be kind enough to give this kid some happiness before he dies is remarkable. I take back every bad thing I ever said about you.
Satyr: I wouldn't be doing it if his mother wasn't so goddamn hot. As soon as the kid croaks, she's going to want a shoulder to cry on. And then she's going need some therapy. Some "8 inches of making her want to scream" therapy.
Gweg: I'm starting to think sacrificing the whole town would be worth it.
Satyr: Ah! Here we go. Good ol' Wikipedia. According to this, a Dark Lord will not return to his Netherworld until the task he has been called upon is finished. When he is called upon to kill somebody, he is required by Netherworld law to kill the remaining people in the town after he has killed the target. It is unknown why this is. However, if the Dark Lord kills somebody before the target, he will have to immediately return to his Netherworld where he will be reprimanded.
Gweg: So, we have to get him to kill somebody else before he kills you?
Satyr: Looks that way.
Gweg: God, this is horrible.
Satyr: Don't worry. I know what to do. Tell Zexotellian when he comes back that I will coming home shortly.
Gweg: What are you going to do?
Satyr: Just stay here. I'll be back in a little bit and this whole sordid mess will be behind us.
Satyr left. About 15 minutes after he was gone. Zexotellian came back.
Zexotellian. Well. I see your satyr friend hasn't come back yet.
Gweg: He called a little bit ago. He's on his way.
Zexotellian: Good. Let me tell you something, the people that are working at your McDonald's are a bunch of ignorant little puss bags. I get up to the counter and I order a Big Mac. Now, I hate that middle bun they have in there. So I tell this greasy fat little thing that's taking my order to make sure they don't put in the middle bun. And what do they do? They put in the middle bun. So, I take my sandwich back up there and I show it to the girl. I asked her, "What is this?" and she looks at me as though I asked her what the square root of 56,000 was. I tell her, "I want a Big Mac without the middle bun." And this little pimply pig of a bitch tells me, If I don't like it, I can just take it off myself. So I demand to see her manager. Her manager comes strolling up, this dipshit little homo, and I tell him, "Listen here. I'm the Dark Lord Zexotellian. I am the ruler of the 7th Netherworld, and I demand a refund!" And then he has the audacity to....
Gweg decided to stop listening there. He figured Zexotellian would go on and on until Satyr got back. He hoped to hell that Satyr knew what he was doing.
Meanwhile.
Satyr arrived at the Children's Hospital.
Michael: Hiya Mr. Satyr! What are you doing back here?
Satyr: Well, I talked to your mommy and your doctor, and they agreed to let you spend a few hours with me outside the hospital!
Michael: Oh boy! I can't wait! It's been so long since I've been outside. You are my hero Mr. Satyr!
Satyr: No, you're my hero Michael. I wish I had had the strength you have.
Michael: Do you really mean that Mr. Satyr?
Satyr: Yes I do Michael. Do you want to play a fun game?
Michael: You bet! What kind of game?
Satyr: We are going to play a fun trick on somebody.
Michael: What are we going to do?
Satyr: You get to dress up like a satyr and pretend to be me!
Michael: That sounds like fun Mr. Satyr!
Satyr: You know it! Come on.
And later, back at the apartment.
Zexotellian: So, the little faggot has called the cops on me. I let go of the bitch and I tell her she should have enjoyed that because that's the only time a man is ever going to get that close to her. So the cops show up and they start asking questions, so I put them in a trance....
Gweg droned him out again. He though he heard somebody talking outside the door.
Outside the door.
Satyr: Ok Michael. Now run in there and say, "Hey Gweg, I'm home!"
Michael: This doesn't sound like a very fun trick Mr. Satyr.
Satyr: Trust me. Have I ever let you down before?
Michael: No.
Michael ran into the room screaming what Satyr told him to say.
Zexotellian: Ah-ha! Time to die, Satyr!
Gweg: No wait! That's not...
But it was too late. Zexotellian shot some sort of energy wave out at Michael. It struck him and wrapped itself around him, squeezing him until all the life was sucked out of him.
Zexotellian: Oh shit. Something's wrong.
Zexotellian started shaking and black smoked appeared underneath him.
Satyr entered the room.
Satyr: So long, sucker!
Zexotellian: No! You can't do this to me! I'm Zexotell....
The black smoke completely surrounded him, a moment later, the smoke and Zexotellian were gone.
Gweg: Don't tell me that was the cancer kid.
Satyr: It was.
Gweg: How could you do that to him?
Satyr: What? He was going to die anyway. And now it wasn't in vain. God, you are such a pessimistic. No wonder you were visiting gothic chat rooms.
The End.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
ASMB Part 2: The Campaign Meeting
Gweg returned home to find all of the furniture out of the living room. In their place, he saw a dozen folding chairs and a podium. He couldn't wait to hear what Satyr was up to now.
Gweg went to Satyr's room and knocked on the door. There was no answer. Gweg then heard the shower turn on in the bathroom. Gweg was perplexed by this, because he could never recall a time when Satyr used the shower.
Half an hour later, Satyr came out of the bathroom.
Gweg: What's the deal with the chair and the podium.
Satyr: I have invited a few members of the Adult Swim Message Board over here for a meeting.
Gweg: A meeting about what?
Satyr: My bid for the Presidency in 2020.
Gweg: It's 2005.
Satyr: There is no better time to start than the present.
Gweg: So, your friends from the boards are coming over. I hope none of them are trying to kill you. No wait, I take that back.
Satyr: Don't worry, I only invited those who would help me in my campaign. Go ahead, take a seat.
Gweg: All right, this might prove entertaining.
There was a knock at the door. Satyr answered it.
Satyr: Ah good, sparks is here.
sparks: I am here to help Satyr bring his greatness throughout the land!
Gweg let out a laugh.
Satyr: I'm glad you could make it. Grab a seat and we'll wait for the others.
sparks: You must be Gweg.
Gweg: That I am.
sparks: Do you oppose Satyr and all who follow him?
Gweg: I have better things to do with my time.
sparks: Good. All those who oppose will be shot!
Satyr: That's right. I'll tell you this now spark before we begin, you will be head of my Secret Service.
spark: It will be my honor.
There was another knock at the door. Satyr opened it to find the next ASMBer.
RadioactiveDude: Yes, I am here. Now, what about granting my wish?
Satyr: Breakdancing naked on a roof during a thunderstorm?
RadioactiveDude: No, the other one.
Satyr: Fine, here's your new mp3 player.
RadioactiveDude took the player and sat down next to sparks.
sparks: It's good to see you here.
RadioactiveDude: Likewise.
sparks: So, why did Satyr have to bribe you to come here? You should have come out of blind loyalty.
RadioactiveDude: I did, the mp3 player was for something else.
sparks: What?
RadioactiveDude: You'll see.
Satyr: That's right RD, we don't want to spoil the surprise.
A few minutes later, RyanfromtheShire arrived.
Ryan: Thank you for inviting me Satyr!
Satyr: Thank you for coming.
Ryan: Right on!
Satyr: Nice jacket there. It's really big.
Ryan: Yeah. It's my band jacket.
Satyr: Cool, have a seat.
Ryan sat down.
Ryan: Where are your instruments?
sparks: What instruments.
Ryan: Satyr told me he was starting a band!
Satyr: I lied. I needed to get you here. You will be an important part of my plans.
Ryan: You said we were going to get wasted and play some tunes!
Satyr: Well, I knew the temptation of alcohol would lure you here.
Ryan: Forget you Satyr! I came here with the promise of beer and music! I'm leaving!
Ryan got up to leave. Satyr gave a signal to sparks.
Sparks took a blow dart out of his pocket and blew it towards Ryan. The dart shot into his neck and he collapsed to the floor.
Satyr: Good job sparks. The only rule I have here tonight is that no one is to breath a word about what is discussed here.
Radioactive Dude and sparks both nodded their heads in agreement. Gweg just stared silently into the sky.
Satyr: All right sparks, help me move Ryan into Gweg's room. We'll throw him on the bed. How long will he be out for?
sparks: What do you mean?
Satyr: You know, how long does that tranq dart put a person out?
sparks: Tranquilizer dart? No, that was a lethal dart.
Satyr: So Ryan is dead then?
sparks: Yeah.
Satyr: Oh well, let's get him on Gweg's bed and we'll get rid of the body later.
Gweg: Let's cut him up and throw him in the incinerator.
Satyr: Good thinking Gweg. I'll let you and sparks take care of that.
Gweg: I wasn't being serious.
Satyr: This is no time for jokes Gweg! Do you know what this could do to my campaign? If I'm connected to this death, I'll probably only serve four years instead of eight.
There was a knock on the door.
Satyr: Quick! Let's get this body into the bed room!
Satyr and sparks got the body into the bed room. RadioactiveDude answered the door.
It was DragoonKnight and C17H19N03.
C17: Hey guys! We are here to make history!
Dragoon: Hello. How are you all doing? I'm doing fine. Thank you for asking.
Satyr leaned over to C17.
Satyr: What the hell is wrong with him.
C17: It's ok. He just doesn't have a personality.
Dragoon: But I do have a 1944 penny. I take it with me wherever I go.
Satyr: That's nice. We are almost ready to begin.
C17: Where's Ryan. I know that had to be his car out front.
Satyr: He's feeling a little sick, so he decided to lay down for a while. That's ok though, we can do this meeting without him.
RadioactiveDude: Where's PatheticAesthetic? I though she was going to be here.
Satyr: She already is.
As if on cue, PatheticAesthetic walked out of the bathroom.
Aesthetic: Wow Satyr, that shower really wore me out.
Satyr: That was nothing: You wait until the marathon tonight. Your whole body will feel like it's been through a machine. A love machine!
Aesthetic blushed and sat down.
Gweg: Why are all of these ASMB chicks in love with you?
Satyr: Because I provide the comedy. Because I know how to make a woman feel good.
Gweg: What about that girl in the grocery store today?
Satyr: It's not my fault she wasn't prepared to ride the crimson wave. Anyway, you need to shut up, because we need to be focused. We just have to wait for one more person.
C17: Who? I thought it was going to be just us.
Satyr and Dude looked at each other and laughed.
Satyr: it's a bit of a surprise, but he is the key to my plans.
And once again, as if on cue, there was a knock at the door.
Satyr: Here he is. This is going to be great.
Satyr opened the door. And in the hallway, stood Pero.
Pero: I came here because the radioactive man said he would give me some of his video games if I did. That's him over there sitting down. Where are the games?
Dude: They are right here in this bag.
Pero: Thank you. It's hard to find good games like this. My mother works hard and she brings home money. She gives me an allowance. I use some of the money to buy games. This week I won't have to because the radioactive man gave me some cool games.
Sparks walked up to Satyr and whispered into his ear.
sparks: What the in the hell is he doing here?
Satyr: Don't worry. Just sit down. I'll explain everything.
sparks sit back down. Pero still stood near the podium looking at his games.
Satyr: Go ahead and take a seat Pero.
Pero: Ok. Do you have anything to drink? Water will do fine. It's been a while since I drank pop.
Satyr: All right. Let's all go into the kitchen and get some refreshments before we begin.
They all headed into the kitchen. Satyr had a some cheese and crackers prepared. They grabbed sodas from the fridge, Pero got his water.
C17 spotted a cookie jar on the counter and decided to help himself.
Satyr: No C17! Don't get into that!
Satyr's warning came to late. C17 stuck his hand into the cookie jar and pulled it back out. His hand was covered in a black ash.
C17: What is this stuff?
Satyr: That would be Primus' cremated remains.
C17: Oh my god!
Satyr: We had to put it in something. Here, if you want a cookie, put on these gloves and get one out.
Dragoon: You left the cookies in there?
Satyr: Yeah, it keeps them fresh.
Dragoon: I'll have one then.
Pero: I went to the store one time and got a cookie. It tasted real nice. It had that candy in it, the red and blue ones. They have talking ones on the commercials. I like that one commercial with the gecko. I had an iguana once. But my family went to Florida on a vacation for two weeks and nobody was around to feed it. It died. I cried for a while but then my mom bought me a cat. We named it Carl after my Uncle. He used to work for Time magazine. He would write articles about movies. My favorite movie is Small Soldiers. It has Kirsten Dunst in it. If I ever see her on the street, I wouldn't talk to her it's because I choke around girls. But I am reading a book on how to overcome shyness. Like the one in Earthbound. Earthbound was a great game. I was going to spend some money on games this week, but the radioactive man got some for me.
sparks: Oh my god! You are a fucking idiot!
Pero said nothing. In fact, he looked as though he didn't hear the comment at all.
Satyr: All right, let's get back in the front room and get this thing started.
Satyr: All right. As you all know, I'm planning to campaign for the Presidency of the USA in the year 2020. You are all here because you all provide something that will be useful to me. sparks will be in charge of security. PatheticAesthetic will be in charge of moral, emotional, and sexual support. C17 will be put in charge of spying on the competition and DragoonKnight will be in charge of the press.
Gweg: I'd really hate to spoil all of your fun here. But aren't you forgetting a simple little fact?
Satyr: What would that be Gweg?
Gweg: You need to be a natural born US citizen to run for President! You were born in an entirely different dimension.
Satyr: I'm glad you brought that up. That's where our good friend Pero comes in. You see, I will not be the one elected President, I'll just be pulling the strings. Pero is the one the American people will vote for!
C17: President Pero? You have got to be kidding me. With all due respect Satyr, no one will want to vote for that utter moron.
Satyr: I've got two words for you: George Bush.
Satyr saw them all nodding and smiling, with the exception of Gweg who was shaking his head and Pero, who was reading the instruction booklet to one of his video games.
PatheticAesthetic: You are an absolute genius Satyr.
She ran up to him and kissed passionately.
Satyr: I know. It's amazing how my mind works.
Gweg: For the first time tonight, you and I agree on something.
Dragoon: But will Pero go for it? I think we will have to get him an XBox 360 for him to do something that big.
Satyr: What do you say Pero? Will you be the front man for me while I really run the show?
Pero: What's that one thing called? The thing that has pointy stuff out in the desert?
Satyr: A cactus?
Pero: Yeah.
Satyr: What about them?
Pero: I just wanted to know what they were called.
Satyr: You really are a fucking moron. This plan will work better than I imagined.
Pero sat still for a few seconds and then started to shake. He let out a scream and start growing! His shirt ripped right off of his body and his skin turned yellow. He grew at least 4 feet higher and had muscles on top of muscles.
PeroHulk: Puny humans and goat-man make fun of Pero! Pero Smash!
Pero lunged out with his fist and smashed the podium.
Satyr: Everybody run!
Pero reached out and grabbed Satyr, Satyr managed to get free but fell to the ground.
sparks: I'll save you Satyr!
sparks leaped from the ground and landed in front of Satyr. PeroHulk grabbed him and tore him in half.
Satyr: You just killed the future Head of the Secret Service!
PeroHulk raised his giant foot in the air and was ready to stomp on Satyr.
And then, as if on cue, RyanfromtheShire emerged from the hall.
Ryan: Damn I've got a hell of a headache. It's worse than a hangover, what the hell is going on out here?
PeroHulk stared at Ryan and slowly raised his foot down.
PeroHulk: Puffy Jacket bad! Puffy Jacket scare Pero.
PeroHulk bolted out of the door, taking most of the wall around it with him, and was heard running to the outside.
Satyr: How are you alive Ryan? sparks said that dart was lethal.
Ryan: Please, after all the alcohol I've drank in my life, no poison could kill me!
The End.
Gweg went to Satyr's room and knocked on the door. There was no answer. Gweg then heard the shower turn on in the bathroom. Gweg was perplexed by this, because he could never recall a time when Satyr used the shower.
Half an hour later, Satyr came out of the bathroom.
Gweg: What's the deal with the chair and the podium.
Satyr: I have invited a few members of the Adult Swim Message Board over here for a meeting.
Gweg: A meeting about what?
Satyr: My bid for the Presidency in 2020.
Gweg: It's 2005.
Satyr: There is no better time to start than the present.
Gweg: So, your friends from the boards are coming over. I hope none of them are trying to kill you. No wait, I take that back.
Satyr: Don't worry, I only invited those who would help me in my campaign. Go ahead, take a seat.
Gweg: All right, this might prove entertaining.
There was a knock at the door. Satyr answered it.
Satyr: Ah good, sparks is here.
sparks: I am here to help Satyr bring his greatness throughout the land!
Gweg let out a laugh.
Satyr: I'm glad you could make it. Grab a seat and we'll wait for the others.
sparks: You must be Gweg.
Gweg: That I am.
sparks: Do you oppose Satyr and all who follow him?
Gweg: I have better things to do with my time.
sparks: Good. All those who oppose will be shot!
Satyr: That's right. I'll tell you this now spark before we begin, you will be head of my Secret Service.
spark: It will be my honor.
There was another knock at the door. Satyr opened it to find the next ASMBer.
RadioactiveDude: Yes, I am here. Now, what about granting my wish?
Satyr: Breakdancing naked on a roof during a thunderstorm?
RadioactiveDude: No, the other one.
Satyr: Fine, here's your new mp3 player.
RadioactiveDude took the player and sat down next to sparks.
sparks: It's good to see you here.
RadioactiveDude: Likewise.
sparks: So, why did Satyr have to bribe you to come here? You should have come out of blind loyalty.
RadioactiveDude: I did, the mp3 player was for something else.
sparks: What?
RadioactiveDude: You'll see.
Satyr: That's right RD, we don't want to spoil the surprise.
A few minutes later, RyanfromtheShire arrived.
Ryan: Thank you for inviting me Satyr!
Satyr: Thank you for coming.
Ryan: Right on!
Satyr: Nice jacket there. It's really big.
Ryan: Yeah. It's my band jacket.
Satyr: Cool, have a seat.
Ryan sat down.
Ryan: Where are your instruments?
sparks: What instruments.
Ryan: Satyr told me he was starting a band!
Satyr: I lied. I needed to get you here. You will be an important part of my plans.
Ryan: You said we were going to get wasted and play some tunes!
Satyr: Well, I knew the temptation of alcohol would lure you here.
Ryan: Forget you Satyr! I came here with the promise of beer and music! I'm leaving!
Ryan got up to leave. Satyr gave a signal to sparks.
Sparks took a blow dart out of his pocket and blew it towards Ryan. The dart shot into his neck and he collapsed to the floor.
Satyr: Good job sparks. The only rule I have here tonight is that no one is to breath a word about what is discussed here.
Radioactive Dude and sparks both nodded their heads in agreement. Gweg just stared silently into the sky.
Satyr: All right sparks, help me move Ryan into Gweg's room. We'll throw him on the bed. How long will he be out for?
sparks: What do you mean?
Satyr: You know, how long does that tranq dart put a person out?
sparks: Tranquilizer dart? No, that was a lethal dart.
Satyr: So Ryan is dead then?
sparks: Yeah.
Satyr: Oh well, let's get him on Gweg's bed and we'll get rid of the body later.
Gweg: Let's cut him up and throw him in the incinerator.
Satyr: Good thinking Gweg. I'll let you and sparks take care of that.
Gweg: I wasn't being serious.
Satyr: This is no time for jokes Gweg! Do you know what this could do to my campaign? If I'm connected to this death, I'll probably only serve four years instead of eight.
There was a knock on the door.
Satyr: Quick! Let's get this body into the bed room!
Satyr and sparks got the body into the bed room. RadioactiveDude answered the door.
It was DragoonKnight and C17H19N03.
C17: Hey guys! We are here to make history!
Dragoon: Hello. How are you all doing? I'm doing fine. Thank you for asking.
Satyr leaned over to C17.
Satyr: What the hell is wrong with him.
C17: It's ok. He just doesn't have a personality.
Dragoon: But I do have a 1944 penny. I take it with me wherever I go.
Satyr: That's nice. We are almost ready to begin.
C17: Where's Ryan. I know that had to be his car out front.
Satyr: He's feeling a little sick, so he decided to lay down for a while. That's ok though, we can do this meeting without him.
RadioactiveDude: Where's PatheticAesthetic? I though she was going to be here.
Satyr: She already is.
As if on cue, PatheticAesthetic walked out of the bathroom.
Aesthetic: Wow Satyr, that shower really wore me out.
Satyr: That was nothing: You wait until the marathon tonight. Your whole body will feel like it's been through a machine. A love machine!
Aesthetic blushed and sat down.
Gweg: Why are all of these ASMB chicks in love with you?
Satyr: Because I provide the comedy. Because I know how to make a woman feel good.
Gweg: What about that girl in the grocery store today?
Satyr: It's not my fault she wasn't prepared to ride the crimson wave. Anyway, you need to shut up, because we need to be focused. We just have to wait for one more person.
C17: Who? I thought it was going to be just us.
Satyr and Dude looked at each other and laughed.
Satyr: it's a bit of a surprise, but he is the key to my plans.
And once again, as if on cue, there was a knock at the door.
Satyr: Here he is. This is going to be great.
Satyr opened the door. And in the hallway, stood Pero.
Pero: I came here because the radioactive man said he would give me some of his video games if I did. That's him over there sitting down. Where are the games?
Dude: They are right here in this bag.
Pero: Thank you. It's hard to find good games like this. My mother works hard and she brings home money. She gives me an allowance. I use some of the money to buy games. This week I won't have to because the radioactive man gave me some cool games.
Sparks walked up to Satyr and whispered into his ear.
sparks: What the in the hell is he doing here?
Satyr: Don't worry. Just sit down. I'll explain everything.
sparks sit back down. Pero still stood near the podium looking at his games.
Satyr: Go ahead and take a seat Pero.
Pero: Ok. Do you have anything to drink? Water will do fine. It's been a while since I drank pop.
Satyr: All right. Let's all go into the kitchen and get some refreshments before we begin.
They all headed into the kitchen. Satyr had a some cheese and crackers prepared. They grabbed sodas from the fridge, Pero got his water.
C17 spotted a cookie jar on the counter and decided to help himself.
Satyr: No C17! Don't get into that!
Satyr's warning came to late. C17 stuck his hand into the cookie jar and pulled it back out. His hand was covered in a black ash.
C17: What is this stuff?
Satyr: That would be Primus' cremated remains.
C17: Oh my god!
Satyr: We had to put it in something. Here, if you want a cookie, put on these gloves and get one out.
Dragoon: You left the cookies in there?
Satyr: Yeah, it keeps them fresh.
Dragoon: I'll have one then.
Pero: I went to the store one time and got a cookie. It tasted real nice. It had that candy in it, the red and blue ones. They have talking ones on the commercials. I like that one commercial with the gecko. I had an iguana once. But my family went to Florida on a vacation for two weeks and nobody was around to feed it. It died. I cried for a while but then my mom bought me a cat. We named it Carl after my Uncle. He used to work for Time magazine. He would write articles about movies. My favorite movie is Small Soldiers. It has Kirsten Dunst in it. If I ever see her on the street, I wouldn't talk to her it's because I choke around girls. But I am reading a book on how to overcome shyness. Like the one in Earthbound. Earthbound was a great game. I was going to spend some money on games this week, but the radioactive man got some for me.
sparks: Oh my god! You are a fucking idiot!
Pero said nothing. In fact, he looked as though he didn't hear the comment at all.
Satyr: All right, let's get back in the front room and get this thing started.
Satyr: All right. As you all know, I'm planning to campaign for the Presidency of the USA in the year 2020. You are all here because you all provide something that will be useful to me. sparks will be in charge of security. PatheticAesthetic will be in charge of moral, emotional, and sexual support. C17 will be put in charge of spying on the competition and DragoonKnight will be in charge of the press.
Gweg: I'd really hate to spoil all of your fun here. But aren't you forgetting a simple little fact?
Satyr: What would that be Gweg?
Gweg: You need to be a natural born US citizen to run for President! You were born in an entirely different dimension.
Satyr: I'm glad you brought that up. That's where our good friend Pero comes in. You see, I will not be the one elected President, I'll just be pulling the strings. Pero is the one the American people will vote for!
C17: President Pero? You have got to be kidding me. With all due respect Satyr, no one will want to vote for that utter moron.
Satyr: I've got two words for you: George Bush.
Satyr saw them all nodding and smiling, with the exception of Gweg who was shaking his head and Pero, who was reading the instruction booklet to one of his video games.
PatheticAesthetic: You are an absolute genius Satyr.
She ran up to him and kissed passionately.
Satyr: I know. It's amazing how my mind works.
Gweg: For the first time tonight, you and I agree on something.
Dragoon: But will Pero go for it? I think we will have to get him an XBox 360 for him to do something that big.
Satyr: What do you say Pero? Will you be the front man for me while I really run the show?
Pero: What's that one thing called? The thing that has pointy stuff out in the desert?
Satyr: A cactus?
Pero: Yeah.
Satyr: What about them?
Pero: I just wanted to know what they were called.
Satyr: You really are a fucking moron. This plan will work better than I imagined.
Pero sat still for a few seconds and then started to shake. He let out a scream and start growing! His shirt ripped right off of his body and his skin turned yellow. He grew at least 4 feet higher and had muscles on top of muscles.
PeroHulk: Puny humans and goat-man make fun of Pero! Pero Smash!
Pero lunged out with his fist and smashed the podium.
Satyr: Everybody run!
Pero reached out and grabbed Satyr, Satyr managed to get free but fell to the ground.
sparks: I'll save you Satyr!
sparks leaped from the ground and landed in front of Satyr. PeroHulk grabbed him and tore him in half.
Satyr: You just killed the future Head of the Secret Service!
PeroHulk raised his giant foot in the air and was ready to stomp on Satyr.
And then, as if on cue, RyanfromtheShire emerged from the hall.
Ryan: Damn I've got a hell of a headache. It's worse than a hangover, what the hell is going on out here?
PeroHulk stared at Ryan and slowly raised his foot down.
PeroHulk: Puffy Jacket bad! Puffy Jacket scare Pero.
PeroHulk bolted out of the door, taking most of the wall around it with him, and was heard running to the outside.
Satyr: How are you alive Ryan? sparks said that dart was lethal.
Ryan: Please, after all the alcohol I've drank in my life, no poison could kill me!
The End.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
The Mime Incident
Gweg had the apartment all to himself. He decided to do cleaning, reading, and napping. Today was going to be a very good day for him. Satyr had decided to spend the whole day in town.
Gweg had finished cleaning and was about to lay down on the couch to do some reading, when Satyr burst through the door.
Gweg: Every fucking time!
Satyr: What?
Gweg: Every time I begin to do something I enjoy, you manage to interrupt it.
Satyr: Well, I'm sorry, but I need your help.
Gweg: What is it now?
Satyr: There is this mime two blocks down the street. And he attacked me.
Gweg: Why would a mime attack you?
Satyr: I found out his secret.
Gweg: What secret?
Satyr: That mimes are really from outer space!
Gweg: Last week you were telling me they were all from France.
Satyr: They are. You see, thousands of years ago, the mimes landed in France. They bred with humans. Now these half breed mimes are plotting to take over the world!
Gweg: You probably read that in the Weekly World News.
Satyr: No I did not. It's true. The mime even talked to me and said if I told anybody, he would kill me.
Gweg: So why did you tell me?
Satyr: Because we are going to go down there and capture him. Then we will perform experiments on him.
Gweg: I have a lot better things to do than to kidnap a mime.
Satyr: Come down with me and I'll prove it. This mime has some sort of Force-like superpower.
Gweg: I suppose you won't go away if I don't?
Satyr: I'm staying right here unless you come down with me.
Gweg: Fine. Show me your Space Mime From Mars.
Satyr led Gweg down the street.
Satyr: There he is. I will approach him slowly.
Satyr started to walk towards the mime slowly, but then he broke out into a run. The mime was doing the "Trapped in a Box" routine, and when Satyr reached the part where the invisible wall was, Satyr stopped as though he smacked right into it and he fell to the ground.
Satyr got up and yelled over to Gweg.
Satyr: See that? He has the power to create invisible things. Like this box!
The mime then started swirling an invisible lasso over his head. He swung it at Satyr. Satyr stood still with his arms at his side and started to struggle. The mime then drew his arm back and Satyr fell flat on his face.
Satyr: Help me Gweg!
The mime then started dribbling a pretend basketball. Satyr managed to get himself up and the mime threw the invisible basketball at Satyr's head.
Satyr's head bounced back as he let out a "Ow!". The mime then reached behind his back drew out an invisible sword.
As the mime approached Satyr, Gweg tackled the mime from behind and dropped him to the ground.
Satyr pulled a syringe out of his pocket and stuck it into the mime's neck.
Satyr: Mr. Mime here is going to be sleeping for a few hours, let's get him to the apartment.
Satyr and Gweg brought the mime back to their apartment. They tied him to the bed. Satyr went out and got a hacksaw and a blowtorch.
Satyr: Ok Gweg, this has to be handled delicately. Now, from what we have seen from this mime, his power is in his appendages.
Gweg: Remind me again why I am doing this.
Satyr: We are doing it for science. We are doing it for history. We are doing it to benefit mankind.
Gweg: How will this benefit mankind?
Satyr: By unlocking the mystery of this alien and tapping into his powers, we might find the secrets to curing cancer, or finding a bet fuel resource, or just make life easier for the common man!
Gweg: That all sounds good, but I can't help thinking you have some sort of ulterior motive.
Satyr looked hurt by this comment.
Satyr: How could you even say that? The only reason I am doing this is to help my fellow man!
Gweg: You are a satyr.
Satyr: It's that kind of labeling that sets us back. It's people like you who do not help us wipe out discrimination. Now, pick up that blowtorch and help me cut up this mime to advance mankind!
Gweg picked up the blowtorch and Satyr went to work. Satyr cut off the mime's arm and blood started squirting everywhere.
Gweg: He's bleeding all over my fucking bed!
Satyr: Well then hurry up and cauterize that wound.
Two hours later, they had finished. Satyr piled the disembodied appendages in the corner.
Satyr: Well, the hard part is done. I could go for a McRib right about now.
Gweg: That's disgusting.
Satyr: Yeah well, we need to take a break anyway. It'll be a while until I can figure out how exactly to tap into his power.
Satyr snickered.
Gweg didn't trust that laugh. He went up to the mime's head and put his fingers on his neck to check for a pulse. Gweg found one. The mime opened his mouth and Gweg looked inside and saw something that made him scream at Satyr.
Gweg: He doesn't have a tongue!
Satyr: So what?
Gweg: That means he can't talk! And you told me he said he would kill you if you told anybody he was an alien.
Satyr: Uh, he used telepathy.
Gweg: You lying sack of shit!
Gweg picked up the blowtorch and pointed it a Satyr's face.
Gweg: Tell me what's really going on or I will burn your face off right here and now/
Satyr: Ok! When I went out today, I saw the mime and I got an idea. I told the mime I would pay him 20 dollars if he pretended to attack me with invisible stuff in front of you.
Gweg: To convince me he was an alien?
Satyr: Yes.
Gweg: I take it he didn't know about that part.
Satyr: Yeah. I needed your help to kidnap him and bring him up here so we could cut off his arms and legs.
Gweg: But why?
Satyr: To create the world's first Quadriplegic Mime!
Gweg: I don't even know what words to use to describe how idiotic that is.
Satyr: Think about. A Quadriplegic Mime will draw huge crowds. It's innovation will be the marvel of the world! It will make the cover of Time magazine!
Gweg: How in the hell is a quadriplegic mime supposed to do his act?
Satyr: That's the beauty of it! It's tragically funny.
Gweg: It's tragic all right. Now, we have to do the right thing and put this poor mime out of his misery.
Gweg picked up the hacksaw and went towards the mime's neck. He then heard a voice speaking in his head.
The Voice: Your friend was right. We mimes really are an alien/human race. All we want to do is live peacefully here as we perform our acts on the street. We are not the violent type, but since you and your friends have ruined me, I will now kill the both of you!
Gweg turned to Satyr.
Gweg: How did you do that?
Satyr: Do what?
Gweg: That nifty little trick were you....
But Gweg was cut off by a sound coming from the corner. Gweg and Satyr turned to look and they saw the mime's two arms crawling out from under the legs. After the freed themselves, They stood up on their hands, palms flat to the floor, with the arms sticking straight up.
The bent at the elbows and jumped toward Gweg. The hands opened and they grabbed Gweg at the neck.
Gweg dropped the saw and grabbed at the arms.
Gweg (choking): Get them off of me!
Satyr went towards Gweg, but he felt something hit him in the ass.
He turned around and the mime's legs were standing right in front of him.
One of the legs jumped up at kicked Satyr right in the face.
Satyr: Ow! My fugging node!
Gweg was still struggling with the arms when he noticed the blowtorch. He reached down to get it and turned it on the arms.
It didn't work, they choked Gweg even harder.
The legs kept hitting Satyr.
Satyr: Kill the fugging mime!
Gweg managed to get over by the mime and he knocked him out with the butt of the blowtorch.
The arms and legs fell to the floor.
Satyr: Whad da fug was dad all aboud?
Gweg (gasping): He really was an alien.
Satyr: No shid?
Gweg: Yeah. Now let's get rid of him. All of him.
Satyr and Gweg threw the arms and the legs into the building incinerator.
They took his body out on the boat and took it out into the middle of the lake.
Satyr: Lod od memmoried ad thid lade.
Gweg: Yeah. We almost got killed by the aborted Jesus fetus.
Satyr: Good dimed!
They dumped the body into the lake.
Gweg: Well, I'm glad this is all over. Let's go home.
Four Days Later
Gweg: Come on Satyr, it's time to go grocery shopping!
Satyr: I'm coming.
They drove for a few blocks and then came to a stop. A couple blocks ahead of them, there were a bunch of people walking down the middle of the road.
Satyr: What the hell is this?
Gweg: Looks like a parade. They all seem to be wearing the same thing.
Satyr: But it's not a holiday.
Gweg: Maybe it's a gay pride parade.
Satyr: I don't think so. They wouldn't have one without inviting you.
Gweg: You are a funny guy. Oh shit!
Gweg looked at the crowd with wide eyed. Satyr saw what it was about them that scared Gweg.
They were mimes.
And leading them was a mime pushing a wheelchair. And in the wheelchair, was a quadriplegic mime.
He started talking to Gweg and Satyr through telepathy.
The Quadriplegic Mime: So, you think a little water will kill me huh? It will take more than that! But we'll see what it takes to kill you! Maybe suffocation inside an invisible box! Or how about being strung up by an invisible rope! Or maybe we'll just hack off your arms and legs and beat you to death with them!
Gweg: Last week, if you were to ask me how I was going die, I never would have said "By getting killed by a hundred alien mimes from France being given orders by their quadriplegic leader".
Satyr let out a laugh.
Gweg: I know it sounds funny, but being that is it the actual situation, forgive me if I don't join you.
Satyr: Not that, look over there.
Satyr pointed at a store.
Gweg: The Bath and Body Works?
Satyr: Yes. What is the weakness of the French? Soap.
Satyr and Gweg ran out of the car and into the store.
The mimes gathered outside in front of it. The quadriplegic mime called out to them telepathically.
The QM: Come on out you two! You are only delaying the inevitable!
Satyr: Have it your way!
Satyr and Gweg ran out, liquid soap bottles in hand, and started spraying the mimes.
The mimes started to retreat.
They heard the QM screaming in their heads.
The QM: You may have defeated us this time! But we will have our revenge!
The mimes were gone.
Satyr: Ah good ol' soap.
Gweg: What kind of soap is this anyway? Dues ex machina?
Satyr: What?
Gweg: You know. The "god in the machine". When somebody finds themselves in a situation they can't get out of and something comes out of the blue and saves them, that's known as a deus ex machina.
Satyr: That gives me a wonderful idea.
Gweg: Whatever. Let's get to the store.
The End.
Gweg had finished cleaning and was about to lay down on the couch to do some reading, when Satyr burst through the door.
Gweg: Every fucking time!
Satyr: What?
Gweg: Every time I begin to do something I enjoy, you manage to interrupt it.
Satyr: Well, I'm sorry, but I need your help.
Gweg: What is it now?
Satyr: There is this mime two blocks down the street. And he attacked me.
Gweg: Why would a mime attack you?
Satyr: I found out his secret.
Gweg: What secret?
Satyr: That mimes are really from outer space!
Gweg: Last week you were telling me they were all from France.
Satyr: They are. You see, thousands of years ago, the mimes landed in France. They bred with humans. Now these half breed mimes are plotting to take over the world!
Gweg: You probably read that in the Weekly World News.
Satyr: No I did not. It's true. The mime even talked to me and said if I told anybody, he would kill me.
Gweg: So why did you tell me?
Satyr: Because we are going to go down there and capture him. Then we will perform experiments on him.
Gweg: I have a lot better things to do than to kidnap a mime.
Satyr: Come down with me and I'll prove it. This mime has some sort of Force-like superpower.
Gweg: I suppose you won't go away if I don't?
Satyr: I'm staying right here unless you come down with me.
Gweg: Fine. Show me your Space Mime From Mars.
Satyr led Gweg down the street.
Satyr: There he is. I will approach him slowly.
Satyr started to walk towards the mime slowly, but then he broke out into a run. The mime was doing the "Trapped in a Box" routine, and when Satyr reached the part where the invisible wall was, Satyr stopped as though he smacked right into it and he fell to the ground.
Satyr got up and yelled over to Gweg.
Satyr: See that? He has the power to create invisible things. Like this box!
The mime then started swirling an invisible lasso over his head. He swung it at Satyr. Satyr stood still with his arms at his side and started to struggle. The mime then drew his arm back and Satyr fell flat on his face.
Satyr: Help me Gweg!
The mime then started dribbling a pretend basketball. Satyr managed to get himself up and the mime threw the invisible basketball at Satyr's head.
Satyr's head bounced back as he let out a "Ow!". The mime then reached behind his back drew out an invisible sword.
As the mime approached Satyr, Gweg tackled the mime from behind and dropped him to the ground.
Satyr pulled a syringe out of his pocket and stuck it into the mime's neck.
Satyr: Mr. Mime here is going to be sleeping for a few hours, let's get him to the apartment.
Satyr and Gweg brought the mime back to their apartment. They tied him to the bed. Satyr went out and got a hacksaw and a blowtorch.
Satyr: Ok Gweg, this has to be handled delicately. Now, from what we have seen from this mime, his power is in his appendages.
Gweg: Remind me again why I am doing this.
Satyr: We are doing it for science. We are doing it for history. We are doing it to benefit mankind.
Gweg: How will this benefit mankind?
Satyr: By unlocking the mystery of this alien and tapping into his powers, we might find the secrets to curing cancer, or finding a bet fuel resource, or just make life easier for the common man!
Gweg: That all sounds good, but I can't help thinking you have some sort of ulterior motive.
Satyr looked hurt by this comment.
Satyr: How could you even say that? The only reason I am doing this is to help my fellow man!
Gweg: You are a satyr.
Satyr: It's that kind of labeling that sets us back. It's people like you who do not help us wipe out discrimination. Now, pick up that blowtorch and help me cut up this mime to advance mankind!
Gweg picked up the blowtorch and Satyr went to work. Satyr cut off the mime's arm and blood started squirting everywhere.
Gweg: He's bleeding all over my fucking bed!
Satyr: Well then hurry up and cauterize that wound.
Two hours later, they had finished. Satyr piled the disembodied appendages in the corner.
Satyr: Well, the hard part is done. I could go for a McRib right about now.
Gweg: That's disgusting.
Satyr: Yeah well, we need to take a break anyway. It'll be a while until I can figure out how exactly to tap into his power.
Satyr snickered.
Gweg didn't trust that laugh. He went up to the mime's head and put his fingers on his neck to check for a pulse. Gweg found one. The mime opened his mouth and Gweg looked inside and saw something that made him scream at Satyr.
Gweg: He doesn't have a tongue!
Satyr: So what?
Gweg: That means he can't talk! And you told me he said he would kill you if you told anybody he was an alien.
Satyr: Uh, he used telepathy.
Gweg: You lying sack of shit!
Gweg picked up the blowtorch and pointed it a Satyr's face.
Gweg: Tell me what's really going on or I will burn your face off right here and now/
Satyr: Ok! When I went out today, I saw the mime and I got an idea. I told the mime I would pay him 20 dollars if he pretended to attack me with invisible stuff in front of you.
Gweg: To convince me he was an alien?
Satyr: Yes.
Gweg: I take it he didn't know about that part.
Satyr: Yeah. I needed your help to kidnap him and bring him up here so we could cut off his arms and legs.
Gweg: But why?
Satyr: To create the world's first Quadriplegic Mime!
Gweg: I don't even know what words to use to describe how idiotic that is.
Satyr: Think about. A Quadriplegic Mime will draw huge crowds. It's innovation will be the marvel of the world! It will make the cover of Time magazine!
Gweg: How in the hell is a quadriplegic mime supposed to do his act?
Satyr: That's the beauty of it! It's tragically funny.
Gweg: It's tragic all right. Now, we have to do the right thing and put this poor mime out of his misery.
Gweg picked up the hacksaw and went towards the mime's neck. He then heard a voice speaking in his head.
The Voice: Your friend was right. We mimes really are an alien/human race. All we want to do is live peacefully here as we perform our acts on the street. We are not the violent type, but since you and your friends have ruined me, I will now kill the both of you!
Gweg turned to Satyr.
Gweg: How did you do that?
Satyr: Do what?
Gweg: That nifty little trick were you....
But Gweg was cut off by a sound coming from the corner. Gweg and Satyr turned to look and they saw the mime's two arms crawling out from under the legs. After the freed themselves, They stood up on their hands, palms flat to the floor, with the arms sticking straight up.
The bent at the elbows and jumped toward Gweg. The hands opened and they grabbed Gweg at the neck.
Gweg dropped the saw and grabbed at the arms.
Gweg (choking): Get them off of me!
Satyr went towards Gweg, but he felt something hit him in the ass.
He turned around and the mime's legs were standing right in front of him.
One of the legs jumped up at kicked Satyr right in the face.
Satyr: Ow! My fugging node!
Gweg was still struggling with the arms when he noticed the blowtorch. He reached down to get it and turned it on the arms.
It didn't work, they choked Gweg even harder.
The legs kept hitting Satyr.
Satyr: Kill the fugging mime!
Gweg managed to get over by the mime and he knocked him out with the butt of the blowtorch.
The arms and legs fell to the floor.
Satyr: Whad da fug was dad all aboud?
Gweg (gasping): He really was an alien.
Satyr: No shid?
Gweg: Yeah. Now let's get rid of him. All of him.
Satyr and Gweg threw the arms and the legs into the building incinerator.
They took his body out on the boat and took it out into the middle of the lake.
Satyr: Lod od memmoried ad thid lade.
Gweg: Yeah. We almost got killed by the aborted Jesus fetus.
Satyr: Good dimed!
They dumped the body into the lake.
Gweg: Well, I'm glad this is all over. Let's go home.
Four Days Later
Gweg: Come on Satyr, it's time to go grocery shopping!
Satyr: I'm coming.
They drove for a few blocks and then came to a stop. A couple blocks ahead of them, there were a bunch of people walking down the middle of the road.
Satyr: What the hell is this?
Gweg: Looks like a parade. They all seem to be wearing the same thing.
Satyr: But it's not a holiday.
Gweg: Maybe it's a gay pride parade.
Satyr: I don't think so. They wouldn't have one without inviting you.
Gweg: You are a funny guy. Oh shit!
Gweg looked at the crowd with wide eyed. Satyr saw what it was about them that scared Gweg.
They were mimes.
And leading them was a mime pushing a wheelchair. And in the wheelchair, was a quadriplegic mime.
He started talking to Gweg and Satyr through telepathy.
The Quadriplegic Mime: So, you think a little water will kill me huh? It will take more than that! But we'll see what it takes to kill you! Maybe suffocation inside an invisible box! Or how about being strung up by an invisible rope! Or maybe we'll just hack off your arms and legs and beat you to death with them!
Gweg: Last week, if you were to ask me how I was going die, I never would have said "By getting killed by a hundred alien mimes from France being given orders by their quadriplegic leader".
Satyr let out a laugh.
Gweg: I know it sounds funny, but being that is it the actual situation, forgive me if I don't join you.
Satyr: Not that, look over there.
Satyr pointed at a store.
Gweg: The Bath and Body Works?
Satyr: Yes. What is the weakness of the French? Soap.
Satyr and Gweg ran out of the car and into the store.
The mimes gathered outside in front of it. The quadriplegic mime called out to them telepathically.
The QM: Come on out you two! You are only delaying the inevitable!
Satyr: Have it your way!
Satyr and Gweg ran out, liquid soap bottles in hand, and started spraying the mimes.
The mimes started to retreat.
They heard the QM screaming in their heads.
The QM: You may have defeated us this time! But we will have our revenge!
The mimes were gone.
Satyr: Ah good ol' soap.
Gweg: What kind of soap is this anyway? Dues ex machina?
Satyr: What?
Gweg: You know. The "god in the machine". When somebody finds themselves in a situation they can't get out of and something comes out of the blue and saves them, that's known as a deus ex machina.
Satyr: That gives me a wonderful idea.
Gweg: Whatever. Let's get to the store.
The End.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Saturday, November 05, 2005
Thursday, October 27, 2005
ASMB Story Part 1: The Stalker
The alarm clock went off and Satyr awoke from his 10 hour sleep. Before he went to sleep the night before, he had been up for 32 hours straight working on a new device, a device that was sure to be his ultimate creation.
Gweg was already up fixing breakfast. Satyr took his morning piss and sat down at the computer. After logging on, he checked his e-mails.
Satyr received a perplexing e-mail from somebody named "NewBuddy". This is what he wrote:
Dear Pollyknuckle,
I am your new buddy. I have been watching you for the past couple of weeks. Yes, I know all about you. Just the other day, you were in your room making some sort of little metallic box. I am interested to find out what it is!
I'll be sending some gifts your way, I do hope you get them.
See you soon
Your NewBuddy.
Satyr read through the e-mail several times. He was convinced it was a joke by Gweg.
Satyr: Gweg get in here!
Gweg: What is it? I've got the bacon on the stove.
Satyr: You think you are funny don't you? This little e-mail. Well, I'm not falling for it.
Gweg: What e-mail?
Satyr: This one.
Satyr pointed to the monitor. Gweg read the e-mail.
Gweg: Well, I swear to you I did not write it. But whoever did knows your real name. Pollyknuckle.
Gweg couldn't help but snicker when he said the name. Satyr growled under his breath and read the e-mail again. Gweg went back into the kitchen to tend to the bacon.
Satyr sent a reply to NewBuddy asking who he was. Satyr went to his usual sites while waiting for a response. Half an hour later, Satyr still had no new e-mails.
Gweg was finished with his breakfast and went into the computer room with Satyr.
Gweg: So, what's this small box all about?
Satyr: I knew it! NewBuddy is interested in the box and so are you! You've got to get up pretty early in the morning to fool me!
Gweg: I was up three hours before you were! And, I didn't fucking send it! I am only curious about the box because it can only mean one thing, trouble.
Satyr: That's were you are wrong. The box will be the answer to all of our problems.
Gweg: Unless the box can make you disappear and have Natalie Portman take your place, then I think your box is full of shit.
Satyr: You'll see. Come and watch.
Satyr and Gweg went to Satyr's room. Satyr picked up a small metallic box sitting on his dresser. The box was the size of a disposable camera and had one button on top of it and a lot of little red, green, and blue lights on it's sides.
Satyr: If you ever find yourself in a situation that requires a little something extra to get out of, something out of the blue for instance, a push of the button on this box, and voila, you have what you need! I call it the Duce X Machine!
Gweg: Why don't you give that button a press so I can find the words to tell you how incredibly fucking stupid you really are.
Satyr: Once again, I have produced greatness, but alas, the only audience I have for it is somebody with the emotional equivalence of a black hole!
Gweg: Ok Satyr. To prove your little toy works, let's take it to the computer and see if it will unravel the mystery of your stalker.
Satyr: Good idea Gweg. I could use a little more input like that from you more often.
Gweg: (under his breath) The next input you'll get from me, is when I input my foot up your ass.
Satyr: You say something?
Gweg: Nope.
Satyr sat the Duce X Machine on the computer desk. He brought up the e-mail and then pressed the Machine's button.
The Machine's lights started to flash and the computer monitor went blank. A few seconds later, a new web page was brought up.
Satyr: I'll be damned. It's the Adult Swim Message Board. I should have known that the stalker would be from there.
Gweg: Why do you say that?
Satyr: There are two kinds of people on the ASMB. Those who love me and those who hate me. Unfortunately, the latter outnumbers the former.
Gweg: Imagine that.
Satyr: But my stalker could be either type. This is going to take some serious investigating on our part.
Gweg: Why do you insist on including me. They are stalking you, I have no part in this at all.
Satyr: What if they sneak in here late at night to kill me? You think they are just going to let you live? Nope, they will kill you to.
Gweg: I hate to say it, but you do have a point. All right. Let's find out who it is.
Satyr compiled a list of ASMBers he thought would fit the profile of someone who would want to stalk him.
Satyr: All right. I made the list of potential stalkers. I put the most likely on the top of the list.
Gweg took the list from Satyr and read it.
Gweg: So, who's this Primus Fan 1?
Satyr: Uh yeah, there is something I should probably tell you before we begin.
Gweg: What is it?
Satyr: Well, you know they have these "live journals" on the internet. Well, I have my own and I mention you a few times.
Gweg: And?
Satyr: Well, Primus, he reads what I post there and he gets a kick out of our adventures. And He idolizes you.
Gweg: Well, I'm either flattered or appalled. I guess I'll find out which one it is later.
Satyr: He's a good kid. You'll like him.
Gweg: Yeah, if he doesn't have a shrine of me in his living room surrounded by the trash I throw out.
Satyr shrugged his shoulders.
Satyr and Gweg decided to take a road trip to each of houses of the people who were on Satyr's list. Gweg and Satyr met in the living room to do some last minute planning before heading out.
They had just got everything packed and ready when there was a knock on the door.
Satyr: Should we answer it?
Gweg: Be my guest.
Satyr opened the door. It was a UPS man.
UPS Man: I got a package here for a Pollyknuckle Applebee.
Satyr: He's mocking me.
Satyr signed for the package and the UPS Man left. Satyr opened it. Inside was a doll of a red haired boy with overalls.
Satyr: This is the creepiest looking thing I have ever seen.
Gweg: It's a "My Buddy" doll.
Satyr: Great. Oh look, here's a note.
Satyr took the note out and read it out loud.
Dear Satyr,
Here is my gift to you. Inside the buddy doll, you'll find my greatest gift of all!
Your NewBuddy.
Satyr took out the doll and ripped it open. Something red and sticky fell to the floor. It was the size of a fist.
Gweg: Holy shit! That's a human heart!
Satyr: We had better find this sick fuck as fast as we can.
Satyr and Gweg took off and headed for Primus Fan 1's house.
They found his house and went up to the door. Satyr rang the doorbell. A teenage boy answered.
Primus Fan 1: Satyr! What do I owe the pleasure of this visit? And is that...oh my god...it is...GWEG!
Primus threw himself to the ground at Gweg's feet.
Primus: You are my hero Gweg! I kiss the ground you walk on!
Gweg: That's unnecessary.
Primus stood up and dusted himself off.
Primus: Sorry Gweg. I tend to get a little carried away.
Gweg: That's quite alright.
Primus: So, what's up guys?
Satyr: I seem to have a stalker. And it's an ASMBer. We're trying to find out who it is.
Primus: You think it's me?
Satyr: Well, you are the first on my list.
Primus: It's not me. I swear. I don't have the time or the effort to stalk someone. It's hard enough finding the time for homework and video games.
Satyr: Ok. We just need to cover all of our bases.
Primus: You know what I do have time for?
Satyr: No.
Primus: I have time to come with you and track this stalker down.
Gweg: This might get a little dangerous. It's probably best if you just stay home.
Primus: Please let me come with you. I won't get in the way and I'll be a big help, I swear.
Satyr: Are those Slim Jims sitting on your end table there?
Primus: Yes, they are. Want one?
Satyr: Hell yes I want one! You're a-ok in my book. You can come with us.
Primus: Woo-hoo!
Satyr, Gweg, and Primus set off to find the next person on the list. Pillz.
Their destination was a shabby apartment building.
Satyr: I bet you this is the kind of place that has bugs crawling in the bath tubs.
Satyr didn't exactly know which apartment Pillz lived in. But he was sure he found the right one when he saw a door with a huge Hal Jordan poster on it.
Satyr: This has to be it.
Primus: The guy truly is obsessed.
Satyr knocked on the door. Pillz answered.
Pillz: What are you guys doing here?
Satyr: I'll cut to the chase. Are you stalking me?
Pillz: Yes I am. But not this week, this week it's Neal Adams.
Satyr: Your sarcastic wit is too much for me.
Pillz: I know. Well, I may not be stalking you, but I really am stalking Neal Adams.
Satyr: Well, anyway, would you like to join us on our quest to find my stalker.
Pillz: I don't know, I've got to sort through my comic collection. And get the roaches out of my bathtub.
Primus: Come on Pillz, we need you. Think of it like the Justice League. Satyr is Superman, Gweg is Batman, I'm J'onn J'onzz, and you're Green Lantern.
Gweg: According to Satyr's last girlfriend, he should be the Flash.
Satyr ignored this comic, Primus laughed his ass off.
Pillz: Well, since you put it that way, I guess I'll come along. But this better not suck like "The Batman" or anything.
Satyr: Well on to the next name on the list. SockatOr.
She lived in a nice house. It has flowers along the driveway. Satyr knocked on the door.
SockatOr appeared at the door wearing her pajamas.
SockatOr: *Gasp* Satyr! If I had known you were stopping by, I would have worn something more appropriate.
Satyr: Don't sweat it babe. You look just fine.
SockatOr: Who are all of these people with you?
Satyr: Well, we got Pillz and Primus here. You know them from the Boards. And this waste of flesh standing over here is Gweg.
SockatOr: Nice. What are you all doing here?
Satyr: Seems like I have a stalker problem. Know anything about it?
SockatOr: Well, I won't deny my everlasting love and desire for you Satyr, I know nothing of any stalking.
Gweg: Wait a sec. You're in love with Satyr?
SockatOr: Of course I am. I can't help being attracted to his raw animal sexuality.
Pillz: I always knew you had a thing for goats.
SockatOr: You are just jealous.
Pillz: Not really, considering what happened to your last boyfriend.
SockatOr: Don't you dare bring that up.
Primus: What happened?
Pillz: Let's just say he prefers the log and not the beaver.
Satyr: All right. Well, thanks SockatOr. We need to be on our way.
SockatOr: May I come? I'll, uh, make it worth your time. If you know what I mean.
Satyr: There's always room for one more.
Primus: Where to next Commander?
Satyr: Captain Sam's house.
When the Crew reached Captain Sam's house, they were in for a surprise. Not only was Sam there, but Shaft76 was there as well.
Shaft76: Wow! Look at all of these people. Reminds me of a tube of grey headlights soaking in a tub of ultra thin pillow crackers.
Capt. Sam: More like a spanking a road full of sugar coated hamstrings.
Satyr: That's great fellas. We are here trying to track down a stalker. Either of you happen to be him?
Shaft76: That's as ridiculous as a robotic flea reading T. S. Eliot while trying to balance a football made of sunshine on his spleen.
Capt. Sam: It's like a Blowtorch trying to make love to a cuticle.
Gweg: Why are the both of you speaking in obscure metaphors?
Shaft76 & Capt. Sam: Because the omniscient one is too lazy to try to come up with real dialogue for us! Yaaaah Yaaaah! Nyaaaah!
SockatOr: Let's get the hell out of here.
Pillz: Yes, let's.
Satyr and his gang left.
Pillz: I'm starving. Let's stop by some store so I can pick up some snacks.
Satyr: Agreed. We could all use a break.
Primus: I'm thirsty as well.
Pillz: Really? I thought you'd be emo.
Primus: You know something, I really hate you sometimes.
Pillz: I was just joking. I'll buy you some pop.
They found a little grocery store. Pillz went in to grab some snacks and sodas. Satyr and SockatOr went into an alley to take care of some "business". Gweg and Primus sat down at a bench.
Gweg: I want to ask you a question if you don't mind.
Primus: Fire away.
Gweg: Why am I your hero?
Primus. Well, I read what Satyr writes about you. You don't take any shit. You are smart and you tell people exactly what you think. I admire that.
Gweg: That's very flattering. But I think you could do better than me for somebody to emulate.
Primus: Somebody like Satyr?
Gweg: Fuck no!
Primus: Who then?
Gweg: I don't know. But just not me. Truth be told, I'm as bad as Satyr. I let him get away with a lot of shit. I mean, that poor mime. I can't believe Satyr talked me in to doing that.
Primus: What mime?
Gweg: He hasn't wrote about that?
Primus: No.
Gweg: Then forget about it.
At that time, Satyr and SockatOr came out of the alley.
SockatOr: That was just a preview. The Main Feature is for later.
Satyr: I can't wait.
Pillz emerged from the store with some pop and a bag of Cracker Jack.
Pillz: We ready? Let's get this over with.
Satyr: All right the next person on the list is...
Satyr was interrupted by the screech of tires. A van pulled up beside them and two men in ski masks jumped out the side. One of them grabbed Primus and the other grabbed SockatOr.
After they jumped back into the van, the driver threw out a piece of paper and sped away.
Satyr: Son of a bitch!
Gweg picked up the piece of paper.
Gweg: It's another note.
Satyr read it.
Dear Satyr Shit Head,
My my. That's quite the group you have collected there. I think I'll "borrow" a couple of them. Ha ha! If you ever want to see them again, meet me at the abandoned warehouse on the east side of town. Bring only yourself, Gweg, and Pillz. I want them to come as well. It will be a nice party.
See you soon.
Your NewBuddy.
Satyr: We need to get to the abandoned warehouse.
Pillz: An abandoned warehouse. What a cliche.
The trio arrived at the building. When they got inside, they saw Primus and Sockator. They were both tied to posts. Standing in between them was a masked person holding a sword.
Masked Person: Welcome my friends! I am so glad you could make it!
Satyr: Why don't you show us who you are?
Masked Person: So be it!
The person took off the mask. Satyr was shocked to see who it was.
Satyr: Purple Slug!
Purple Slug: That's right it is I. Now we shall play our favorite game. "Choose or Die!" This is how we play. You get to choose which on of these fine tied up people get to be killed in front of you. Your girlfriend SockatOr or your number one fan Primus. If you don't choose, both die and so do you!
Satyr was angry. Gweg was busy trying to think of a plan. Pillz seemed entertained by the whole thing, as all he did was munch on the Cracker Jack.
Satyr: Why this sick twisted game? Is it because of you love me and know you can never have me?
Purple Slug laughed.
Purple Slug: Love you? In your dreams. The only reason I am doing this is because I am an evil vixen from Neptune!
Satyr: Ok. I have made my choice.
Satyr pulled out a gun and shot Primus right between his eyes.
Gweg: What the fuck! You had a gun this whole time? Why didn't you shoot Purple Slug?
Satyr: You heard her. One of them had to die. And SockatOr promised me I'd be getting laid tonight.
Purple Slug: You idiot! I was supposed to kill whoever you chose! I was supposed to make you suffer! Now I have no choice but to kill SockatOr!
Satyr: Wait a sec. Before you do that, why don't you show us who you really are!
Purple Slug: I underestimated you.
Purple Slug grabbed her face and started pulling it off. It was another mask.
Satyr: Ha! I knew it was you, Invader Zim!
Invader Zim: Yes. It is me. This is my revenge for every time you made me ruin my computer equipment whenever you mentioned Jena Malone!
Satyr: Jena Malone!
Invader Zim stood still and then started shaking. He let out a moan and once again stood still.
Zim: These were my favorite pants! Now your woman dies!
Zim started toward SockatOr with the sword raised.
Gweg: Shoot him!
Satyr: I only had one bullet.
Gweg suddenly remembered something.
Gweg: You idiot! Use the Duce X Machine!
Satyr had completely forgot he had it. He pulled it out of his pocket and pressed the button. The lights went of. A huge picture of Jena Malone appeared in the air.
Zim was just about to stab SockatOr through the heart when he saw the picture. He dropped the sword and and pulled down his pants and went to town on himself.
Satyr: That will only stop him for so long. We need something else!
Pillz: Hey! All right! The Toy Surprise!
Pillz opened up the the little package.
Pillz: It's a Green Lantern Ring!
Pillz put it on and felt the Ring's power flow through him.
Pillz: In brightest day, in blackest night No evil shall escape my sight Let those who worship evil's might Beware my power, Green Lantern's light!
A green light erupted from the ring to form a giant chainsaw. Pillz raised it up in the air and brought it down on Invader Zim, cutting him in half.
Satyr freed SockatOr from her shackles.
Gweg: Well. I'm glad that's over. We should probably take Primus' body back to his family.
Satyr: I'll take care of that.
Satyr pressed the button on the Duce X Machine. Primus' body erupted in flames and was burnt to a crisp.
Satyr: I didn't see that coming.
Gweg: Damn it. You know, I actually liked that kid. He did nothing to deserve this. Satyr, give me the Duce X Machine.
Satyr: Why?
Gweg: Because you are not responsible enough to have it.
Satyr: You can have it when you pry it from my cold dead hands.
Gweg: Pillz if you would please.
Pillz pointed the Ring at Satyr.
Satyr: Fine. Here take it.
Pillz: Well, I'm out of here. Time to go do some good with the Ring. So long.
Satyr watched him leave with some anger in his eyes.
Satyr: Jordan sucks. We all know Alan Scott was the best Lantern anyway.
Gweg was already up fixing breakfast. Satyr took his morning piss and sat down at the computer. After logging on, he checked his e-mails.
Satyr received a perplexing e-mail from somebody named "NewBuddy". This is what he wrote:
Dear Pollyknuckle,
I am your new buddy. I have been watching you for the past couple of weeks. Yes, I know all about you. Just the other day, you were in your room making some sort of little metallic box. I am interested to find out what it is!
I'll be sending some gifts your way, I do hope you get them.
See you soon
Your NewBuddy.
Satyr read through the e-mail several times. He was convinced it was a joke by Gweg.
Satyr: Gweg get in here!
Gweg: What is it? I've got the bacon on the stove.
Satyr: You think you are funny don't you? This little e-mail. Well, I'm not falling for it.
Gweg: What e-mail?
Satyr: This one.
Satyr pointed to the monitor. Gweg read the e-mail.
Gweg: Well, I swear to you I did not write it. But whoever did knows your real name. Pollyknuckle.
Gweg couldn't help but snicker when he said the name. Satyr growled under his breath and read the e-mail again. Gweg went back into the kitchen to tend to the bacon.
Satyr sent a reply to NewBuddy asking who he was. Satyr went to his usual sites while waiting for a response. Half an hour later, Satyr still had no new e-mails.
Gweg was finished with his breakfast and went into the computer room with Satyr.
Gweg: So, what's this small box all about?
Satyr: I knew it! NewBuddy is interested in the box and so are you! You've got to get up pretty early in the morning to fool me!
Gweg: I was up three hours before you were! And, I didn't fucking send it! I am only curious about the box because it can only mean one thing, trouble.
Satyr: That's were you are wrong. The box will be the answer to all of our problems.
Gweg: Unless the box can make you disappear and have Natalie Portman take your place, then I think your box is full of shit.
Satyr: You'll see. Come and watch.
Satyr and Gweg went to Satyr's room. Satyr picked up a small metallic box sitting on his dresser. The box was the size of a disposable camera and had one button on top of it and a lot of little red, green, and blue lights on it's sides.
Satyr: If you ever find yourself in a situation that requires a little something extra to get out of, something out of the blue for instance, a push of the button on this box, and voila, you have what you need! I call it the Duce X Machine!
Gweg: Why don't you give that button a press so I can find the words to tell you how incredibly fucking stupid you really are.
Satyr: Once again, I have produced greatness, but alas, the only audience I have for it is somebody with the emotional equivalence of a black hole!
Gweg: Ok Satyr. To prove your little toy works, let's take it to the computer and see if it will unravel the mystery of your stalker.
Satyr: Good idea Gweg. I could use a little more input like that from you more often.
Gweg: (under his breath) The next input you'll get from me, is when I input my foot up your ass.
Satyr: You say something?
Gweg: Nope.
Satyr sat the Duce X Machine on the computer desk. He brought up the e-mail and then pressed the Machine's button.
The Machine's lights started to flash and the computer monitor went blank. A few seconds later, a new web page was brought up.
Satyr: I'll be damned. It's the Adult Swim Message Board. I should have known that the stalker would be from there.
Gweg: Why do you say that?
Satyr: There are two kinds of people on the ASMB. Those who love me and those who hate me. Unfortunately, the latter outnumbers the former.
Gweg: Imagine that.
Satyr: But my stalker could be either type. This is going to take some serious investigating on our part.
Gweg: Why do you insist on including me. They are stalking you, I have no part in this at all.
Satyr: What if they sneak in here late at night to kill me? You think they are just going to let you live? Nope, they will kill you to.
Gweg: I hate to say it, but you do have a point. All right. Let's find out who it is.
Satyr compiled a list of ASMBers he thought would fit the profile of someone who would want to stalk him.
Satyr: All right. I made the list of potential stalkers. I put the most likely on the top of the list.
Gweg took the list from Satyr and read it.
Gweg: So, who's this Primus Fan 1?
Satyr: Uh yeah, there is something I should probably tell you before we begin.
Gweg: What is it?
Satyr: Well, you know they have these "live journals" on the internet. Well, I have my own and I mention you a few times.
Gweg: And?
Satyr: Well, Primus, he reads what I post there and he gets a kick out of our adventures. And He idolizes you.
Gweg: Well, I'm either flattered or appalled. I guess I'll find out which one it is later.
Satyr: He's a good kid. You'll like him.
Gweg: Yeah, if he doesn't have a shrine of me in his living room surrounded by the trash I throw out.
Satyr shrugged his shoulders.
Satyr and Gweg decided to take a road trip to each of houses of the people who were on Satyr's list. Gweg and Satyr met in the living room to do some last minute planning before heading out.
They had just got everything packed and ready when there was a knock on the door.
Satyr: Should we answer it?
Gweg: Be my guest.
Satyr opened the door. It was a UPS man.
UPS Man: I got a package here for a Pollyknuckle Applebee.
Satyr: He's mocking me.
Satyr signed for the package and the UPS Man left. Satyr opened it. Inside was a doll of a red haired boy with overalls.
Satyr: This is the creepiest looking thing I have ever seen.
Gweg: It's a "My Buddy" doll.
Satyr: Great. Oh look, here's a note.
Satyr took the note out and read it out loud.
Dear Satyr,
Here is my gift to you. Inside the buddy doll, you'll find my greatest gift of all!
Your NewBuddy.
Satyr took out the doll and ripped it open. Something red and sticky fell to the floor. It was the size of a fist.
Gweg: Holy shit! That's a human heart!
Satyr: We had better find this sick fuck as fast as we can.
Satyr and Gweg took off and headed for Primus Fan 1's house.
They found his house and went up to the door. Satyr rang the doorbell. A teenage boy answered.
Primus Fan 1: Satyr! What do I owe the pleasure of this visit? And is that...oh my god...it is...GWEG!
Primus threw himself to the ground at Gweg's feet.
Primus: You are my hero Gweg! I kiss the ground you walk on!
Gweg: That's unnecessary.
Primus stood up and dusted himself off.
Primus: Sorry Gweg. I tend to get a little carried away.
Gweg: That's quite alright.
Primus: So, what's up guys?
Satyr: I seem to have a stalker. And it's an ASMBer. We're trying to find out who it is.
Primus: You think it's me?
Satyr: Well, you are the first on my list.
Primus: It's not me. I swear. I don't have the time or the effort to stalk someone. It's hard enough finding the time for homework and video games.
Satyr: Ok. We just need to cover all of our bases.
Primus: You know what I do have time for?
Satyr: No.
Primus: I have time to come with you and track this stalker down.
Gweg: This might get a little dangerous. It's probably best if you just stay home.
Primus: Please let me come with you. I won't get in the way and I'll be a big help, I swear.
Satyr: Are those Slim Jims sitting on your end table there?
Primus: Yes, they are. Want one?
Satyr: Hell yes I want one! You're a-ok in my book. You can come with us.
Primus: Woo-hoo!
Satyr, Gweg, and Primus set off to find the next person on the list. Pillz.
Their destination was a shabby apartment building.
Satyr: I bet you this is the kind of place that has bugs crawling in the bath tubs.
Satyr didn't exactly know which apartment Pillz lived in. But he was sure he found the right one when he saw a door with a huge Hal Jordan poster on it.
Satyr: This has to be it.
Primus: The guy truly is obsessed.
Satyr knocked on the door. Pillz answered.
Pillz: What are you guys doing here?
Satyr: I'll cut to the chase. Are you stalking me?
Pillz: Yes I am. But not this week, this week it's Neal Adams.
Satyr: Your sarcastic wit is too much for me.
Pillz: I know. Well, I may not be stalking you, but I really am stalking Neal Adams.
Satyr: Well, anyway, would you like to join us on our quest to find my stalker.
Pillz: I don't know, I've got to sort through my comic collection. And get the roaches out of my bathtub.
Primus: Come on Pillz, we need you. Think of it like the Justice League. Satyr is Superman, Gweg is Batman, I'm J'onn J'onzz, and you're Green Lantern.
Gweg: According to Satyr's last girlfriend, he should be the Flash.
Satyr ignored this comic, Primus laughed his ass off.
Pillz: Well, since you put it that way, I guess I'll come along. But this better not suck like "The Batman" or anything.
Satyr: Well on to the next name on the list. SockatOr.
She lived in a nice house. It has flowers along the driveway. Satyr knocked on the door.
SockatOr appeared at the door wearing her pajamas.
SockatOr: *Gasp* Satyr! If I had known you were stopping by, I would have worn something more appropriate.
Satyr: Don't sweat it babe. You look just fine.
SockatOr: Who are all of these people with you?
Satyr: Well, we got Pillz and Primus here. You know them from the Boards. And this waste of flesh standing over here is Gweg.
SockatOr: Nice. What are you all doing here?
Satyr: Seems like I have a stalker problem. Know anything about it?
SockatOr: Well, I won't deny my everlasting love and desire for you Satyr, I know nothing of any stalking.
Gweg: Wait a sec. You're in love with Satyr?
SockatOr: Of course I am. I can't help being attracted to his raw animal sexuality.
Pillz: I always knew you had a thing for goats.
SockatOr: You are just jealous.
Pillz: Not really, considering what happened to your last boyfriend.
SockatOr: Don't you dare bring that up.
Primus: What happened?
Pillz: Let's just say he prefers the log and not the beaver.
Satyr: All right. Well, thanks SockatOr. We need to be on our way.
SockatOr: May I come? I'll, uh, make it worth your time. If you know what I mean.
Satyr: There's always room for one more.
Primus: Where to next Commander?
Satyr: Captain Sam's house.
When the Crew reached Captain Sam's house, they were in for a surprise. Not only was Sam there, but Shaft76 was there as well.
Shaft76: Wow! Look at all of these people. Reminds me of a tube of grey headlights soaking in a tub of ultra thin pillow crackers.
Capt. Sam: More like a spanking a road full of sugar coated hamstrings.
Satyr: That's great fellas. We are here trying to track down a stalker. Either of you happen to be him?
Shaft76: That's as ridiculous as a robotic flea reading T. S. Eliot while trying to balance a football made of sunshine on his spleen.
Capt. Sam: It's like a Blowtorch trying to make love to a cuticle.
Gweg: Why are the both of you speaking in obscure metaphors?
Shaft76 & Capt. Sam: Because the omniscient one is too lazy to try to come up with real dialogue for us! Yaaaah Yaaaah! Nyaaaah!
SockatOr: Let's get the hell out of here.
Pillz: Yes, let's.
Satyr and his gang left.
Pillz: I'm starving. Let's stop by some store so I can pick up some snacks.
Satyr: Agreed. We could all use a break.
Primus: I'm thirsty as well.
Pillz: Really? I thought you'd be emo.
Primus: You know something, I really hate you sometimes.
Pillz: I was just joking. I'll buy you some pop.
They found a little grocery store. Pillz went in to grab some snacks and sodas. Satyr and SockatOr went into an alley to take care of some "business". Gweg and Primus sat down at a bench.
Gweg: I want to ask you a question if you don't mind.
Primus: Fire away.
Gweg: Why am I your hero?
Primus. Well, I read what Satyr writes about you. You don't take any shit. You are smart and you tell people exactly what you think. I admire that.
Gweg: That's very flattering. But I think you could do better than me for somebody to emulate.
Primus: Somebody like Satyr?
Gweg: Fuck no!
Primus: Who then?
Gweg: I don't know. But just not me. Truth be told, I'm as bad as Satyr. I let him get away with a lot of shit. I mean, that poor mime. I can't believe Satyr talked me in to doing that.
Primus: What mime?
Gweg: He hasn't wrote about that?
Primus: No.
Gweg: Then forget about it.
At that time, Satyr and SockatOr came out of the alley.
SockatOr: That was just a preview. The Main Feature is for later.
Satyr: I can't wait.
Pillz emerged from the store with some pop and a bag of Cracker Jack.
Pillz: We ready? Let's get this over with.
Satyr: All right the next person on the list is...
Satyr was interrupted by the screech of tires. A van pulled up beside them and two men in ski masks jumped out the side. One of them grabbed Primus and the other grabbed SockatOr.
After they jumped back into the van, the driver threw out a piece of paper and sped away.
Satyr: Son of a bitch!
Gweg picked up the piece of paper.
Gweg: It's another note.
Satyr read it.
Dear Satyr Shit Head,
My my. That's quite the group you have collected there. I think I'll "borrow" a couple of them. Ha ha! If you ever want to see them again, meet me at the abandoned warehouse on the east side of town. Bring only yourself, Gweg, and Pillz. I want them to come as well. It will be a nice party.
See you soon.
Your NewBuddy.
Satyr: We need to get to the abandoned warehouse.
Pillz: An abandoned warehouse. What a cliche.
The trio arrived at the building. When they got inside, they saw Primus and Sockator. They were both tied to posts. Standing in between them was a masked person holding a sword.
Masked Person: Welcome my friends! I am so glad you could make it!
Satyr: Why don't you show us who you are?
Masked Person: So be it!
The person took off the mask. Satyr was shocked to see who it was.
Satyr: Purple Slug!
Purple Slug: That's right it is I. Now we shall play our favorite game. "Choose or Die!" This is how we play. You get to choose which on of these fine tied up people get to be killed in front of you. Your girlfriend SockatOr or your number one fan Primus. If you don't choose, both die and so do you!
Satyr was angry. Gweg was busy trying to think of a plan. Pillz seemed entertained by the whole thing, as all he did was munch on the Cracker Jack.
Satyr: Why this sick twisted game? Is it because of you love me and know you can never have me?
Purple Slug laughed.
Purple Slug: Love you? In your dreams. The only reason I am doing this is because I am an evil vixen from Neptune!
Satyr: Ok. I have made my choice.
Satyr pulled out a gun and shot Primus right between his eyes.
Gweg: What the fuck! You had a gun this whole time? Why didn't you shoot Purple Slug?
Satyr: You heard her. One of them had to die. And SockatOr promised me I'd be getting laid tonight.
Purple Slug: You idiot! I was supposed to kill whoever you chose! I was supposed to make you suffer! Now I have no choice but to kill SockatOr!
Satyr: Wait a sec. Before you do that, why don't you show us who you really are!
Purple Slug: I underestimated you.
Purple Slug grabbed her face and started pulling it off. It was another mask.
Satyr: Ha! I knew it was you, Invader Zim!
Invader Zim: Yes. It is me. This is my revenge for every time you made me ruin my computer equipment whenever you mentioned Jena Malone!
Satyr: Jena Malone!
Invader Zim stood still and then started shaking. He let out a moan and once again stood still.
Zim: These were my favorite pants! Now your woman dies!
Zim started toward SockatOr with the sword raised.
Gweg: Shoot him!
Satyr: I only had one bullet.
Gweg suddenly remembered something.
Gweg: You idiot! Use the Duce X Machine!
Satyr had completely forgot he had it. He pulled it out of his pocket and pressed the button. The lights went of. A huge picture of Jena Malone appeared in the air.
Zim was just about to stab SockatOr through the heart when he saw the picture. He dropped the sword and and pulled down his pants and went to town on himself.
Satyr: That will only stop him for so long. We need something else!
Pillz: Hey! All right! The Toy Surprise!
Pillz opened up the the little package.
Pillz: It's a Green Lantern Ring!
Pillz put it on and felt the Ring's power flow through him.
Pillz: In brightest day, in blackest night No evil shall escape my sight Let those who worship evil's might Beware my power, Green Lantern's light!
A green light erupted from the ring to form a giant chainsaw. Pillz raised it up in the air and brought it down on Invader Zim, cutting him in half.
Satyr freed SockatOr from her shackles.
Gweg: Well. I'm glad that's over. We should probably take Primus' body back to his family.
Satyr: I'll take care of that.
Satyr pressed the button on the Duce X Machine. Primus' body erupted in flames and was burnt to a crisp.
Satyr: I didn't see that coming.
Gweg: Damn it. You know, I actually liked that kid. He did nothing to deserve this. Satyr, give me the Duce X Machine.
Satyr: Why?
Gweg: Because you are not responsible enough to have it.
Satyr: You can have it when you pry it from my cold dead hands.
Gweg: Pillz if you would please.
Pillz pointed the Ring at Satyr.
Satyr: Fine. Here take it.
Pillz: Well, I'm out of here. Time to go do some good with the Ring. So long.
Satyr watched him leave with some anger in his eyes.
Satyr: Jordan sucks. We all know Alan Scott was the best Lantern anyway.
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