Gweg was alone in the apartment watching the news. Satyr had gone out to check on something, what it was, he would not tell Gweg.
The news program had just brought a story about a missing blind girl when Satyr arrived home.
Gweg: Yay, you're back. It's a shame about this missing blind girl. I wonder how she got lost.
Satyr: They still haven't found her?
Gweg: No. They are still searching....Wait a second, what do you mean "They still haven't found her"? This was a breaking news story that was just on. This is the first time anybody is hearing about it.
Satyr: I heard it on the radio.
Gweg: The radio in the car is broken. What did you do?
Satyr sat down on the couch. He looked down at his hands and then at the ceiling. Gweg kicked him in the leg.
Gweg: Tell me what you did!
Satyr: That hurt! Fine, I'll tell you what happened. Last night, I was, uh, "attending" to myself, and I felt these bumps.
Gweg: How did I know that this would involve your dick?
Satyr: Don't interrupt me. So, I'm feeling these bumps and I'm getting curious about them. So today, I went out and I found this blind girl. I had her "attend" to me and she, you know, "read" the bumps.
Gweg: She "read" the bumps! What the hell does that mean?
Satyr: You know, like Braille. Anyway, she "read", let out a scream, and went off running. I'm surprised she managed to get anywhere, since she's blind and all.
Gweg: You sicken me. Here's what we are going to do. We are going to get in the car, and we are going to search for her.
Satyr: The Twilight Zone Marathon!
Gweg: You've seen them all already! Every time we go to Walden's, you go to the culinary section and scream, "It's a cookbook!"
Satyr laughed.
Gweg: Stop it. We are going to find that poor blind girl, so come on.
Satyr and Gweg got into the car. Satyr got into the driver's side.
Gweg: All right, what direction did she run off to?
Satyr: She ran off to the woods.
Gweg: Let's go to the woods then and search for her there.
They arrived at the woods. The woods in the area were big. They covered roughly 3 square miles. The road went through the middle of them.
Gweg: We'll drive through the woods first, then we'll walk around.
Satyr: Sure thing, el Capitan!
They past a small dirt road that led off into the woods.
Satyr: Well, this sure does bring back some memories.
Gweg: Don't even start with that.
Satyr: What's the matter Gweg? Too painful for you?
Gweg: Let's just worry about the girl.
Satyr: Ok, but it's hard not to think about what that part of the woods means to us.
Gweg couldn't help but think about it. That dirt road was a path to the past. When Gweg first met Satyr.
Gweg tried to keep his attention on looking for the girl, but his mind was drawn to the past. And how he managed to be stuck in situations like this to begin with.
FLASHBACK
Gweg had just gotten off of the phone with Mr. Chambers, the man who had interviewed for a job just the other day. Mr. Chambers called with great news, Gweg had got the job and he started that very day.
Gweg had dressed up in his best outfit, ready for work. His mom looked on with pride in her eyes.
Gweg's Mom: I'm so proud of you Gweg! And I know your father would be proud of you too.
Gweg: Dad's passed out again, isn't he.
Mom: Now, we can't blame your father for the things he does. It's so hard for him to provide for us.
Gweg: He's on disability mom.
Mom: Yes, Gweg. That's the sacrifice he had to make to provide for us.
Gweg: He was a telemarketer. And he only got disability because he answered the phone too fast and hit himself in the head.
Mom: Your father has his faults, but he is a good man.
Gweg knew better than to keep the conversation going. He just nodded and adjusted his tie.
Mom: I want you to take my car to your job today.
Gweg: Are you sure mom?
Mom: Yes Gweg, I know you'll be careful in it.
Gweg: Yes I will mom.
Gweg was all set to go and climbed into his mother's car. Gweg has had a license for two years, but has only driven a car five times.
Gweg's job was located in the city. The city was 3 miles away from the suburbs where Gweg lived.
Gweg had pulled out onto the highway that led to the city. He made sure to drive carefully.
Ahead of him, was the greatest looking car he had ever seen. He was so busy admiring it, that when the driver of the car slammed on his breaks, Gweg couldn't react in time.
Gweg crashed right into the car.
The airbags deployed and Gweg was thrown into one. Gweg stumbled out of the car. The driver of the other car was already out.
The Driver: You got insurance boy?
Gweg: It's my mom's car.
The Driver: Are you insured to drive it?
Gweg: I don't know.
The Driver: Well now, that just might be a problem.
Gweg: I'll pay for the damage. I'm starting a new job today.
The Driver: Oh yeah, you sure are. Your new job is being my bitch!
The Driver ran towards Gweg and knocked him down. Gweg tried to get back up, but the driver, swung at him and knocked him out.
Gweg didn't know how long he had been out, but when he woke up, he was in the trunk of a car.
Gweg knew this from the bumps and screeching of the tires.
The car had stopped. Gweg heard a door open and shut. Gweg the heard two voices talking. One he didn't recognize, the other he knew belonged to the driver of the car he had hit.
Other Man: Hey dude, where's your new wheels?
The Driver: Some punk kid rear ended me.
Other Man: That sucks dude. What did you do to him?
The Driver: Nothing yet, but he's going to be paying for the damages for a while.
Other Man: Heh heh. I bet. Fill 'er up?
The Driver: Yes. I'm going to be camping in the woods tonight with a friend.
Other Man: Sounds like fun.
The Driver: Oh, it will be. It will be.
The other man had filled up the tank and the driver had took off again.
Some time later, the car had stopped again. The driver got out and opened the trunk.
The driver pulled Gweg out and threw him to the ground.
The Driver: Here we are! My favorite place in this crappy county! The woods. This is where I have all of my fun.
Gweg: I'm sorry for hitting you! It was an accident!
The Driver: That may be. But you still need to be taught a lesson.
The Driver reached into the back seat of his car. He pulled out a rifle.
The Driver: You see, you didn't just ram your car into the vehicle of any old man. You rammed into the rear end of Richard the Hunter!
Gweg didn't know why, but he cringed at the name. Richard the Hunter saw it and smiled.
Richard the Hunter: I'm a sporting man. I'm going to give you a five minute head start.
Gweg: What do you mean?
Richard the Hunter: I hunt. But I don't just hunt any old game. I hunt the greatest game of them all: man. And today, I'm going to be hunting you.
Gweg: Please don't do this!
Richard the Hunter: You now have four minutes.
Gweg took off. He ran at fast as he could. He could hear Richard laughing. But then, he heard another noise. It sounded like a motor.
It grew louder. Gweg couldn't help but turn around to look.
Gweg saw a car speeding down the dirt road of which Richard's car was parked. The car didn't bother to slow down. Not until it ran right over Richard the Hunter.
What Gweg saw next amazed him. Out of the car, stepped out some sort of mythological creature. Gweg recognized it as a satyr. It was wearing a trenchcoat and talking on a cellular phone.
The satyr took a look at the body of Richard the Hunter.
The Satyr: Hey Cyber, I'm going to have to call you back. I, uh, just hit a deer.
The satyr put away the phone and looked around. He saw Gweg and started to get worried.
The Satyr: Hey man, the guy jumped right out in front of me.
Gweg: It's all right. The guy was going to kill me.
The Satyr: He was?
Gweg: Yeah.
Gweg told the satyr the story. The satyr took it all in.
The Satyr: Well, only one thing to do now. We got to bury him.
Gweg: With what?
The Satyr: I've got a couple of shovels in my car.
Gweg: Do you always carry shovels in the car with you?
The Satyr: Yes I do.
Gweg: All right. Since we are going to be burying a body together, we should introduce ourselves. My name is Gweg.
The Satyr: Gweg? As in G-W-E-G?
Gweg: Yes. What of it?
The Satyr: Nothing. You can just call me Satyr.
Gweg: Just Satyr? Don't you have a real name.
Satyr: Yes.
Gweg could tell by the look in Satyr's eyes, that it was something he was not going to reveal.
They started digging a hole to put the body in. Gweg couldn't help but notice a resemblance between Satyr and Richard.
Satyr: He sure was one ugly mother fucker.
They buried the body.
Satyr: Hey man. Since I just saved your life and all, do you think I could ask a favor of you?
Gweg: Ok.
Satyr: I need a roommate. How do you feel about coming to live in my apartment.
Gweg: Well, I am looking to get out of my parents house. I guess I could.
Satyr: All right? Gweg, this looks to be the start of a beautiful friendship.
End Flashback.
Gweg shook his head and got the images of that day out of it. He looked over at Satyr.
Gweg: What were you doing in the woods that day anyway?
Satyr: Uh. Bird watching.
Gweg: Wait a second! Richard said he was going to be camping with a friend that night. You had two shovels in your car for no apparent reason at all. You were his friend! You were going to hunt me along with him ! That's why he never ran away when you were coming! He was expecting you!
Satyr: It took you this long to figure all of that out.
Gweg: I should kill you right now.
Satyr: Still doesn't change the fact that I saved your life.
Gweg: Oh my god! That's why you needed a new roommate!
Satyr: Oh get over it Gweg. That was a long time ago. I've moved on. It's behind us now.
Gweg: I just can't believe all of this.
Satyr: I can't believe I'm still driving. Here, you take over. We'll go back down the road again, this time you drive and I'll look for the blind girl.
Gweg: Fine.
Gweg took over driving, but he still could not get the thought of what really was going on that day out of his head.
He wasn't really paying attention to the road at all. Not until he hit something.
Gweg slammed on the breaks and looked over at Satyr.
Gweg: What did I hit?
Satyr: Uh, a deer.
Gweg: You are lying, aren't you?
Satyr: It's a good thing I brought the shovels.
The End.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Counterfeit Money: Redux
Gweg was in the front room trying to watch tv. Only, he couldn't he hear, no matter how loud he turned it up. The laughter emanating from Satyr's room kept drowning it out.
Gweg got up and went to Satyr's room and pounded on the door.
Satyr opened it up, his hands were covered in green ink.
Gweg: What are you doing?
Satyr: I'm making counterfeit money.
Gweg: Well, instead of a stupid money making scheme, you've just decided to do some stupid money making. Have fun getting raped in jail when you get caught.
Satyr: Gweg, you need to understand something here.
Gweg: What's that?
Satyr: This simple fact: Whatever I do, it's the right thing to do. Everything I do is done for a reason.
Gweg: And what reason is that?
Satyr: Do I have to have a reason for everything?
Gweg: Whatever. Just keep it down in here, I'm trying to watch some tv.
Satyr: Wait a second. I want you to look at the money.
Satyr handed Gweg one of the bills. Gweg looked at the back of it. It looked like an ordinary 20, until Gweg read was printed on it.
Gweg: "In Bob Dylan We Trust." Geez, no one will ever be able to tell this is a fake. Why did you put that on there?
Satyr: Because 'In God We Trust' caused to much controversy. Therefore, I took out god, and I picked a suitable replacement, somebody all Americans could get behind, and that man is Bob Dylan.
Gweg: Why couldn't you put something like, 'Our Leaders', or 'Our Founding Fathers', or 'A Higher Power'?
Satyr: These people that you mention, yes I know them, they are quite lame.
Gweg rolled his eyes and looked at the front of the bill. Instead of seeing Andrew Jackson, he saw a picture some guy with a bad hairdo and a beard.
Gweg: Who in the hell is this?
Satyr: That's George Lucas of course.
Gweg: You don't expect anybody to actually accept this money, do you?
Satyr: Let me tell you something about the typical human being. They don't pay attention to detail. They are always in a rush. Trust me, when they do see the changes I've made, it will be too late for them to pin it on somebody.
Gweg: All right. Let's go see. Why don't you buy our supper tonight with your money.
Satyr: Fine. You'll see. Along with supper, you'll be eating your words.
Gweg: That was lame.
Satyr: Not as lame as your face.
Gweg: Let's just go already.
Gweg and Satyr went to the local hotdog stand. There, you order at your car and the carhop brings your food to you and takes your money.
Gweg and Satyr ordered some food and the carhop chick brought back to them.
Carhop Chick: That'll be $15.45.
Satyr handed her one of his twenties.
Satyr: Keep the change doll.
The carhop chick took one look at the money and gave Satyr a nasty look.
Carhop Chick: Listen sir, I'm not an idiot. I know this isn't a real 20. Who in the hell is this fat guy on here anyway?
Satyr: That's George Lucas, creator of Star Wars.
Carhop Chick: Whatever. Give me the food back and I won't call the cops on you.
Gweg: Told you so.
Satyr: Shut it.
Satyr handed the Carhop Chick back all of the food.
Satyr: Their dogs taste like shit anyway.
Gweg: Well, it looks like all of that hard work you were doing was for nothing.
Satyr: Oh, I still have some use for this money.
That Sunday, at the local church:
Preacher: And now we shall pass the collection plate around.
After the plate made it's rounds, it was given back to the preacher. He looked at it with pure joy on his face and shouted "Hallelujah!". The plate was filled with the most money he had ever seen in it.
Preacher: I would like to thank God for sending such generous souls to this church.
The preacher picked up one of the bills.
Preacher: You see this brethren, this is a sign that God watches out for his own...
The preacher then had a stumped look on his face.
Preacher: "In Bob Dylan We Trust"? What the fuck is this shit? And who in the hell is this fat guy?
Gweg got up and went to Satyr's room and pounded on the door.
Satyr opened it up, his hands were covered in green ink.
Gweg: What are you doing?
Satyr: I'm making counterfeit money.
Gweg: Well, instead of a stupid money making scheme, you've just decided to do some stupid money making. Have fun getting raped in jail when you get caught.
Satyr: Gweg, you need to understand something here.
Gweg: What's that?
Satyr: This simple fact: Whatever I do, it's the right thing to do. Everything I do is done for a reason.
Gweg: And what reason is that?
Satyr: Do I have to have a reason for everything?
Gweg: Whatever. Just keep it down in here, I'm trying to watch some tv.
Satyr: Wait a second. I want you to look at the money.
Satyr handed Gweg one of the bills. Gweg looked at the back of it. It looked like an ordinary 20, until Gweg read was printed on it.
Gweg: "In Bob Dylan We Trust." Geez, no one will ever be able to tell this is a fake. Why did you put that on there?
Satyr: Because 'In God We Trust' caused to much controversy. Therefore, I took out god, and I picked a suitable replacement, somebody all Americans could get behind, and that man is Bob Dylan.
Gweg: Why couldn't you put something like, 'Our Leaders', or 'Our Founding Fathers', or 'A Higher Power'?
Satyr: These people that you mention, yes I know them, they are quite lame.
Gweg rolled his eyes and looked at the front of the bill. Instead of seeing Andrew Jackson, he saw a picture some guy with a bad hairdo and a beard.
Gweg: Who in the hell is this?
Satyr: That's George Lucas of course.
Gweg: You don't expect anybody to actually accept this money, do you?
Satyr: Let me tell you something about the typical human being. They don't pay attention to detail. They are always in a rush. Trust me, when they do see the changes I've made, it will be too late for them to pin it on somebody.
Gweg: All right. Let's go see. Why don't you buy our supper tonight with your money.
Satyr: Fine. You'll see. Along with supper, you'll be eating your words.
Gweg: That was lame.
Satyr: Not as lame as your face.
Gweg: Let's just go already.
Gweg and Satyr went to the local hotdog stand. There, you order at your car and the carhop brings your food to you and takes your money.
Gweg and Satyr ordered some food and the carhop chick brought back to them.
Carhop Chick: That'll be $15.45.
Satyr handed her one of his twenties.
Satyr: Keep the change doll.
The carhop chick took one look at the money and gave Satyr a nasty look.
Carhop Chick: Listen sir, I'm not an idiot. I know this isn't a real 20. Who in the hell is this fat guy on here anyway?
Satyr: That's George Lucas, creator of Star Wars.
Carhop Chick: Whatever. Give me the food back and I won't call the cops on you.
Gweg: Told you so.
Satyr: Shut it.
Satyr handed the Carhop Chick back all of the food.
Satyr: Their dogs taste like shit anyway.
Gweg: Well, it looks like all of that hard work you were doing was for nothing.
Satyr: Oh, I still have some use for this money.
That Sunday, at the local church:
Preacher: And now we shall pass the collection plate around.
After the plate made it's rounds, it was given back to the preacher. He looked at it with pure joy on his face and shouted "Hallelujah!". The plate was filled with the most money he had ever seen in it.
Preacher: I would like to thank God for sending such generous souls to this church.
The preacher picked up one of the bills.
Preacher: You see this brethren, this is a sign that God watches out for his own...
The preacher then had a stumped look on his face.
Preacher: "In Bob Dylan We Trust"? What the fuck is this shit? And who in the hell is this fat guy?
Monday, December 05, 2005
The Dark Lord Zexotellian
The apartment was quiet. A little too quiet. Gweg had decided to take a morning jog. When he left, Satyr was still in bed, with his alarm clock going off. Gweg expected to come home to find Satyr up to something, but the apartment seemed empty.
Gweg then realized it was Thursday. For the past few months, Satyr disappeared for several hours every Thursday. Satyr never said what he was up to and Gweg never bothered to ask.
He decided to make most of the alone time he had today. Maybe he could get some cleaning done. Or organize some shelves. Or catch up on some reading.
Gweg: You know what? Fuck it all, I'm just going to be lazy today. I'm going to mess around on the computer.
And he did. And why not? Satyr hogged it most of the time.
Gweg spent the next couple of hours playing games and checking out websites that pertained to his interests.
Gweg was starting to get bored and decided to check out a chat room. Unfortunately, Gweg was a little naive to the whole chat room experience, and he accidently entered a gothic chat room.
*gweg has entered the room*
lestatlover666: hello gweg
gweg: Hi.
lestatlover666: how r u.
gweg: I'm fine. How are you?
lestatlover666: depressed miserable suicidal...the usual
xxxdemondogxxx: i have a new knife. it cuts my skin really good. i shall bleed a lot.
lestatlover666: how often do u cut yourself gweg?
gweg: Never.
lestatlover666: lol. then what do u do to deal with the pain?
gweg: I just deal with it.
reapersimage: the pain draws our spirits together. we are one in the darkness. we are one in his eyes!
xxxdemondogxxx: i can feel the pain. the pain has kept me alive. cutting brings the pain.
gweg: I think I'm in the wrong chatroom.
lestatlover666: no you are not. i can feel your pain gweg. what is it?
gweg: Well, my roommate is a major pain in the ass.
reapersimage: you wish to rid yourself of this pain?
gweg: I would like to.
lestatlover666: we can help you.
reapersimage: HE can help you!
gweg: Who?
reapersimage: The Dark Lord Zexotellian!
lestatlover666: ALL HAIL THE DARK LORD!
xxxdemondogxxx: all hail the dark lord. dark lord zexotellian he is our dark lord
reapersimage: just give us the word, and we will call him to you.
gweg: Yeah. You have my word.
*gweg has left the room*
Gweg quickly logged out of the room and left the computer. He couldn't believe some of the psychos on the internet.
Gweg went out into the kitchen to make himself a sandwich. As he was getting into the fridge, he heard a loud boom coming from the front room.
Gweg ran into the room to see what it was. There was a bunch of black smoke. After it dwindled out, Gweg saw a 6 and a half foot tall handsome man, with jet black hair. He was wearing a three piece suit that was as black as his hair.
The Man: Hello. I am Zexotellian. I am the dark lord of the 7th Netherworld. There are 218 in all. I'm going to go ahead and assume you are Gweg.
Gweg: Yes I am. But, I didn't really want you here. The people in the chat room said they were going to get you, but I though they were stoned or something.
Zexotellian: Those dickweed little goths! The fucking did it to me again. My agent told me, "Zexo, if you ever want to rule the 1st Netherworld, you need to advertise more. " So he suggested making myself a website. And the only people who visit are these pathetic goths.
Gweg: Uh, I'm sorry. Well, I really don't need you.
Zexotellian: Whoa! You just wait one little second there. I'm not some sort of second rate clown act that you can just call up every time you want to impress your friends.
Gweg: But I didn't.
Zexotellian: I don't care wether or not you did. The fact is, you told those little ass munching goths you needed something taken care of. And they called me up to do it for you.
Gweg: It was all a misunderstanding.
Zexotellian: Hey! I'm Zexotellian. Ruler of the 7th Netherworld, ok? Now, that's not something you are born into or handed to on a silver platter, ok? I had to work my ass off. I took over the 115th Netherworld when I was 2025 years old. And I have since worked my way up to the 7th. Now most Dark Lords, once the rule a Netherworld, they are content on staying there. Not me. When people hear the name "Zexotellian", they are going to think of "success"!
Gweg: When I saw your name, I thought that kid was smoking some serious fucking crack.
Zexotellian: Listen here mortal! I'm tired of people thinking they can have their way with me! I'm not your momma. I'm not going to bend over and grab my ankles just because you called me up wanting a good time! You look at the history of this world! Most of the major events in this world happened because of the Dark Lords. And I was responsible for a few of those myself. But only one of the Dark Lords managed to make himself famous. Only because he carved his name into a tree. That moss licking son-of-a-bitch Croatoan!
Gweg: Listen. I'm sorry, but I don't need your help. I only told those goths that I had a problem with my roommate.
Zexotellian: So, you want your roommate dead, huh?
Gweg: Well yeah, but I don't need you to kill him.
Zexotellian: Oh, I'm sorry Gweg. You see, I have to do it. I won't leave until the job I am called upon to do is done. But I'll tell you now, there is a small price to pay for my services.
Gweg: And what price is that?
Zexotellian: Well, usually depends on what kind of job it is. For offing a person, the price is a small sacrifice.
Gweg: What sacrifice.
Zexotellian: Mainly, killing everybody in your whole town.
Gweg: Hey now! I didn't want you here! This is bullshit! You're not welcome, so go back to your little Netherworld and leave me alone.
Zexotellian: Do I have to remind you that I am a Dark Lord. That I am the ruler of the 7th Netherworld. That's the 7th, mind you. I will rule the first and send that two-bit log smoking Croatoan out on his tree hugging ass!
Gweg: Yeah. that's good and all. But, it still doesn't change the fact that you are not wanted here.
Zexotellian: Well, you sound like a whinny little good for nothing loser. No wonder you were in that chat room. Now, where is your roommate at?
Gweg: I don't know where he is. He always disappears on Thursdays.
Zexotellian: Oh, he disappeared? Is he a magician?
Gweg: No, he's a satyr.
Zexotellian: Oh goodie. I get to deal with a loud mouth satyr. Oh well. I'm going to go get a bite to eat at McDonald's. If this Satyr is not here when I get back, I'll just have to hunt him down.
Zexotellian left the apartment. Gweg sat down on the couch. He had never been this worried before in his life. He had no idea how he was going to stop Zexotellian from killing Satyr and then everyone else in town.
Five minutes later. Satyr came home.
Satyr: I'll tell you what Gweg, I'm glad the finally got both lanes open on Main Street now. I was passing those slow ass fuckers like there was no tomorrow. Anyway, I got pulled over. Can I borrow 120 dollars?
Gweg: We are in some deep shit.
Satyr: No were not. It's only my third ticket this year.
Gweg: Not that.
Gweg told him what happened.
Satyr: So, you called up a dark lord to kill me huh? And after all that I have done for you!
Gweg: I didn't call him up! The freaking goths did!
Satyr: All right. It's ok. I've had a dealing with a Dark Lord myself once. A little over 400 years ago, when I was banished here to Earth, I lived in this little colony. Anyway, the father of some chick I was doing wanted to kill me, so I asked the local Indians for a favor. They called upon the god they worshipped and it turned out to be a Dark Lord. Anyway, he killed the father and then the whole town.
Gweg: That's what he said. After he kills you, he will kill everyone else in town.
Satyr: Bad deal huh? Well, there's got to be something about it on the net. You said he had a website?
Gweg: Yeah.
Satyr: All right. Let's get to work.
Satyr got on the computer and typed in www.zexotellian.com. The website he got featured a lot of propaganda about Zexotellian, but nothing that would help them.
Satyr: Don't fret Gweg. You can find everything on the net. How long do you think he'll be out?
Gweg: I don't know. He only left because you weren't here. Which reminds me, where were you?
Satyr: The same place I've been going to every Thursday for the past five months.
Gweg: Where's that?
Satyr: The Children's Hospital.
Gweg was shocked to hear this.
Gweg: What are you doing there?
Satyr: There's this little boy named Michael there. He's dying of cancer. So every Thursday, I go over there and play games with him. He's a fun kid.
Gweg couldn't believe what he was hearing. This was a side of Satyr that he had never seen. He wondered why Satyr had kept this from him.
Gweg: I have to admit, I never expected that from you. That you would be kind enough to give this kid some happiness before he dies is remarkable. I take back every bad thing I ever said about you.
Satyr: I wouldn't be doing it if his mother wasn't so goddamn hot. As soon as the kid croaks, she's going to want a shoulder to cry on. And then she's going need some therapy. Some "8 inches of making her want to scream" therapy.
Gweg: I'm starting to think sacrificing the whole town would be worth it.
Satyr: Ah! Here we go. Good ol' Wikipedia. According to this, a Dark Lord will not return to his Netherworld until the task he has been called upon is finished. When he is called upon to kill somebody, he is required by Netherworld law to kill the remaining people in the town after he has killed the target. It is unknown why this is. However, if the Dark Lord kills somebody before the target, he will have to immediately return to his Netherworld where he will be reprimanded.
Gweg: So, we have to get him to kill somebody else before he kills you?
Satyr: Looks that way.
Gweg: God, this is horrible.
Satyr: Don't worry. I know what to do. Tell Zexotellian when he comes back that I will coming home shortly.
Gweg: What are you going to do?
Satyr: Just stay here. I'll be back in a little bit and this whole sordid mess will be behind us.
Satyr left. About 15 minutes after he was gone. Zexotellian came back.
Zexotellian. Well. I see your satyr friend hasn't come back yet.
Gweg: He called a little bit ago. He's on his way.
Zexotellian: Good. Let me tell you something, the people that are working at your McDonald's are a bunch of ignorant little puss bags. I get up to the counter and I order a Big Mac. Now, I hate that middle bun they have in there. So I tell this greasy fat little thing that's taking my order to make sure they don't put in the middle bun. And what do they do? They put in the middle bun. So, I take my sandwich back up there and I show it to the girl. I asked her, "What is this?" and she looks at me as though I asked her what the square root of 56,000 was. I tell her, "I want a Big Mac without the middle bun." And this little pimply pig of a bitch tells me, If I don't like it, I can just take it off myself. So I demand to see her manager. Her manager comes strolling up, this dipshit little homo, and I tell him, "Listen here. I'm the Dark Lord Zexotellian. I am the ruler of the 7th Netherworld, and I demand a refund!" And then he has the audacity to....
Gweg decided to stop listening there. He figured Zexotellian would go on and on until Satyr got back. He hoped to hell that Satyr knew what he was doing.
Meanwhile.
Satyr arrived at the Children's Hospital.
Michael: Hiya Mr. Satyr! What are you doing back here?
Satyr: Well, I talked to your mommy and your doctor, and they agreed to let you spend a few hours with me outside the hospital!
Michael: Oh boy! I can't wait! It's been so long since I've been outside. You are my hero Mr. Satyr!
Satyr: No, you're my hero Michael. I wish I had had the strength you have.
Michael: Do you really mean that Mr. Satyr?
Satyr: Yes I do Michael. Do you want to play a fun game?
Michael: You bet! What kind of game?
Satyr: We are going to play a fun trick on somebody.
Michael: What are we going to do?
Satyr: You get to dress up like a satyr and pretend to be me!
Michael: That sounds like fun Mr. Satyr!
Satyr: You know it! Come on.
And later, back at the apartment.
Zexotellian: So, the little faggot has called the cops on me. I let go of the bitch and I tell her she should have enjoyed that because that's the only time a man is ever going to get that close to her. So the cops show up and they start asking questions, so I put them in a trance....
Gweg droned him out again. He though he heard somebody talking outside the door.
Outside the door.
Satyr: Ok Michael. Now run in there and say, "Hey Gweg, I'm home!"
Michael: This doesn't sound like a very fun trick Mr. Satyr.
Satyr: Trust me. Have I ever let you down before?
Michael: No.
Michael ran into the room screaming what Satyr told him to say.
Zexotellian: Ah-ha! Time to die, Satyr!
Gweg: No wait! That's not...
But it was too late. Zexotellian shot some sort of energy wave out at Michael. It struck him and wrapped itself around him, squeezing him until all the life was sucked out of him.
Zexotellian: Oh shit. Something's wrong.
Zexotellian started shaking and black smoked appeared underneath him.
Satyr entered the room.
Satyr: So long, sucker!
Zexotellian: No! You can't do this to me! I'm Zexotell....
The black smoke completely surrounded him, a moment later, the smoke and Zexotellian were gone.
Gweg: Don't tell me that was the cancer kid.
Satyr: It was.
Gweg: How could you do that to him?
Satyr: What? He was going to die anyway. And now it wasn't in vain. God, you are such a pessimistic. No wonder you were visiting gothic chat rooms.
The End.
Gweg then realized it was Thursday. For the past few months, Satyr disappeared for several hours every Thursday. Satyr never said what he was up to and Gweg never bothered to ask.
He decided to make most of the alone time he had today. Maybe he could get some cleaning done. Or organize some shelves. Or catch up on some reading.
Gweg: You know what? Fuck it all, I'm just going to be lazy today. I'm going to mess around on the computer.
And he did. And why not? Satyr hogged it most of the time.
Gweg spent the next couple of hours playing games and checking out websites that pertained to his interests.
Gweg was starting to get bored and decided to check out a chat room. Unfortunately, Gweg was a little naive to the whole chat room experience, and he accidently entered a gothic chat room.
*gweg has entered the room*
lestatlover666: hello gweg
gweg: Hi.
lestatlover666: how r u.
gweg: I'm fine. How are you?
lestatlover666: depressed miserable suicidal...the usual
xxxdemondogxxx: i have a new knife. it cuts my skin really good. i shall bleed a lot.
lestatlover666: how often do u cut yourself gweg?
gweg: Never.
lestatlover666: lol. then what do u do to deal with the pain?
gweg: I just deal with it.
reapersimage: the pain draws our spirits together. we are one in the darkness. we are one in his eyes!
xxxdemondogxxx: i can feel the pain. the pain has kept me alive. cutting brings the pain.
gweg: I think I'm in the wrong chatroom.
lestatlover666: no you are not. i can feel your pain gweg. what is it?
gweg: Well, my roommate is a major pain in the ass.
reapersimage: you wish to rid yourself of this pain?
gweg: I would like to.
lestatlover666: we can help you.
reapersimage: HE can help you!
gweg: Who?
reapersimage: The Dark Lord Zexotellian!
lestatlover666: ALL HAIL THE DARK LORD!
xxxdemondogxxx: all hail the dark lord. dark lord zexotellian he is our dark lord
reapersimage: just give us the word, and we will call him to you.
gweg: Yeah. You have my word.
*gweg has left the room*
Gweg quickly logged out of the room and left the computer. He couldn't believe some of the psychos on the internet.
Gweg went out into the kitchen to make himself a sandwich. As he was getting into the fridge, he heard a loud boom coming from the front room.
Gweg ran into the room to see what it was. There was a bunch of black smoke. After it dwindled out, Gweg saw a 6 and a half foot tall handsome man, with jet black hair. He was wearing a three piece suit that was as black as his hair.
The Man: Hello. I am Zexotellian. I am the dark lord of the 7th Netherworld. There are 218 in all. I'm going to go ahead and assume you are Gweg.
Gweg: Yes I am. But, I didn't really want you here. The people in the chat room said they were going to get you, but I though they were stoned or something.
Zexotellian: Those dickweed little goths! The fucking did it to me again. My agent told me, "Zexo, if you ever want to rule the 1st Netherworld, you need to advertise more. " So he suggested making myself a website. And the only people who visit are these pathetic goths.
Gweg: Uh, I'm sorry. Well, I really don't need you.
Zexotellian: Whoa! You just wait one little second there. I'm not some sort of second rate clown act that you can just call up every time you want to impress your friends.
Gweg: But I didn't.
Zexotellian: I don't care wether or not you did. The fact is, you told those little ass munching goths you needed something taken care of. And they called me up to do it for you.
Gweg: It was all a misunderstanding.
Zexotellian: Hey! I'm Zexotellian. Ruler of the 7th Netherworld, ok? Now, that's not something you are born into or handed to on a silver platter, ok? I had to work my ass off. I took over the 115th Netherworld when I was 2025 years old. And I have since worked my way up to the 7th. Now most Dark Lords, once the rule a Netherworld, they are content on staying there. Not me. When people hear the name "Zexotellian", they are going to think of "success"!
Gweg: When I saw your name, I thought that kid was smoking some serious fucking crack.
Zexotellian: Listen here mortal! I'm tired of people thinking they can have their way with me! I'm not your momma. I'm not going to bend over and grab my ankles just because you called me up wanting a good time! You look at the history of this world! Most of the major events in this world happened because of the Dark Lords. And I was responsible for a few of those myself. But only one of the Dark Lords managed to make himself famous. Only because he carved his name into a tree. That moss licking son-of-a-bitch Croatoan!
Gweg: Listen. I'm sorry, but I don't need your help. I only told those goths that I had a problem with my roommate.
Zexotellian: So, you want your roommate dead, huh?
Gweg: Well yeah, but I don't need you to kill him.
Zexotellian: Oh, I'm sorry Gweg. You see, I have to do it. I won't leave until the job I am called upon to do is done. But I'll tell you now, there is a small price to pay for my services.
Gweg: And what price is that?
Zexotellian: Well, usually depends on what kind of job it is. For offing a person, the price is a small sacrifice.
Gweg: What sacrifice.
Zexotellian: Mainly, killing everybody in your whole town.
Gweg: Hey now! I didn't want you here! This is bullshit! You're not welcome, so go back to your little Netherworld and leave me alone.
Zexotellian: Do I have to remind you that I am a Dark Lord. That I am the ruler of the 7th Netherworld. That's the 7th, mind you. I will rule the first and send that two-bit log smoking Croatoan out on his tree hugging ass!
Gweg: Yeah. that's good and all. But, it still doesn't change the fact that you are not wanted here.
Zexotellian: Well, you sound like a whinny little good for nothing loser. No wonder you were in that chat room. Now, where is your roommate at?
Gweg: I don't know where he is. He always disappears on Thursdays.
Zexotellian: Oh, he disappeared? Is he a magician?
Gweg: No, he's a satyr.
Zexotellian: Oh goodie. I get to deal with a loud mouth satyr. Oh well. I'm going to go get a bite to eat at McDonald's. If this Satyr is not here when I get back, I'll just have to hunt him down.
Zexotellian left the apartment. Gweg sat down on the couch. He had never been this worried before in his life. He had no idea how he was going to stop Zexotellian from killing Satyr and then everyone else in town.
Five minutes later. Satyr came home.
Satyr: I'll tell you what Gweg, I'm glad the finally got both lanes open on Main Street now. I was passing those slow ass fuckers like there was no tomorrow. Anyway, I got pulled over. Can I borrow 120 dollars?
Gweg: We are in some deep shit.
Satyr: No were not. It's only my third ticket this year.
Gweg: Not that.
Gweg told him what happened.
Satyr: So, you called up a dark lord to kill me huh? And after all that I have done for you!
Gweg: I didn't call him up! The freaking goths did!
Satyr: All right. It's ok. I've had a dealing with a Dark Lord myself once. A little over 400 years ago, when I was banished here to Earth, I lived in this little colony. Anyway, the father of some chick I was doing wanted to kill me, so I asked the local Indians for a favor. They called upon the god they worshipped and it turned out to be a Dark Lord. Anyway, he killed the father and then the whole town.
Gweg: That's what he said. After he kills you, he will kill everyone else in town.
Satyr: Bad deal huh? Well, there's got to be something about it on the net. You said he had a website?
Gweg: Yeah.
Satyr: All right. Let's get to work.
Satyr got on the computer and typed in www.zexotellian.com. The website he got featured a lot of propaganda about Zexotellian, but nothing that would help them.
Satyr: Don't fret Gweg. You can find everything on the net. How long do you think he'll be out?
Gweg: I don't know. He only left because you weren't here. Which reminds me, where were you?
Satyr: The same place I've been going to every Thursday for the past five months.
Gweg: Where's that?
Satyr: The Children's Hospital.
Gweg was shocked to hear this.
Gweg: What are you doing there?
Satyr: There's this little boy named Michael there. He's dying of cancer. So every Thursday, I go over there and play games with him. He's a fun kid.
Gweg couldn't believe what he was hearing. This was a side of Satyr that he had never seen. He wondered why Satyr had kept this from him.
Gweg: I have to admit, I never expected that from you. That you would be kind enough to give this kid some happiness before he dies is remarkable. I take back every bad thing I ever said about you.
Satyr: I wouldn't be doing it if his mother wasn't so goddamn hot. As soon as the kid croaks, she's going to want a shoulder to cry on. And then she's going need some therapy. Some "8 inches of making her want to scream" therapy.
Gweg: I'm starting to think sacrificing the whole town would be worth it.
Satyr: Ah! Here we go. Good ol' Wikipedia. According to this, a Dark Lord will not return to his Netherworld until the task he has been called upon is finished. When he is called upon to kill somebody, he is required by Netherworld law to kill the remaining people in the town after he has killed the target. It is unknown why this is. However, if the Dark Lord kills somebody before the target, he will have to immediately return to his Netherworld where he will be reprimanded.
Gweg: So, we have to get him to kill somebody else before he kills you?
Satyr: Looks that way.
Gweg: God, this is horrible.
Satyr: Don't worry. I know what to do. Tell Zexotellian when he comes back that I will coming home shortly.
Gweg: What are you going to do?
Satyr: Just stay here. I'll be back in a little bit and this whole sordid mess will be behind us.
Satyr left. About 15 minutes after he was gone. Zexotellian came back.
Zexotellian. Well. I see your satyr friend hasn't come back yet.
Gweg: He called a little bit ago. He's on his way.
Zexotellian: Good. Let me tell you something, the people that are working at your McDonald's are a bunch of ignorant little puss bags. I get up to the counter and I order a Big Mac. Now, I hate that middle bun they have in there. So I tell this greasy fat little thing that's taking my order to make sure they don't put in the middle bun. And what do they do? They put in the middle bun. So, I take my sandwich back up there and I show it to the girl. I asked her, "What is this?" and she looks at me as though I asked her what the square root of 56,000 was. I tell her, "I want a Big Mac without the middle bun." And this little pimply pig of a bitch tells me, If I don't like it, I can just take it off myself. So I demand to see her manager. Her manager comes strolling up, this dipshit little homo, and I tell him, "Listen here. I'm the Dark Lord Zexotellian. I am the ruler of the 7th Netherworld, and I demand a refund!" And then he has the audacity to....
Gweg decided to stop listening there. He figured Zexotellian would go on and on until Satyr got back. He hoped to hell that Satyr knew what he was doing.
Meanwhile.
Satyr arrived at the Children's Hospital.
Michael: Hiya Mr. Satyr! What are you doing back here?
Satyr: Well, I talked to your mommy and your doctor, and they agreed to let you spend a few hours with me outside the hospital!
Michael: Oh boy! I can't wait! It's been so long since I've been outside. You are my hero Mr. Satyr!
Satyr: No, you're my hero Michael. I wish I had had the strength you have.
Michael: Do you really mean that Mr. Satyr?
Satyr: Yes I do Michael. Do you want to play a fun game?
Michael: You bet! What kind of game?
Satyr: We are going to play a fun trick on somebody.
Michael: What are we going to do?
Satyr: You get to dress up like a satyr and pretend to be me!
Michael: That sounds like fun Mr. Satyr!
Satyr: You know it! Come on.
And later, back at the apartment.
Zexotellian: So, the little faggot has called the cops on me. I let go of the bitch and I tell her she should have enjoyed that because that's the only time a man is ever going to get that close to her. So the cops show up and they start asking questions, so I put them in a trance....
Gweg droned him out again. He though he heard somebody talking outside the door.
Outside the door.
Satyr: Ok Michael. Now run in there and say, "Hey Gweg, I'm home!"
Michael: This doesn't sound like a very fun trick Mr. Satyr.
Satyr: Trust me. Have I ever let you down before?
Michael: No.
Michael ran into the room screaming what Satyr told him to say.
Zexotellian: Ah-ha! Time to die, Satyr!
Gweg: No wait! That's not...
But it was too late. Zexotellian shot some sort of energy wave out at Michael. It struck him and wrapped itself around him, squeezing him until all the life was sucked out of him.
Zexotellian: Oh shit. Something's wrong.
Zexotellian started shaking and black smoked appeared underneath him.
Satyr entered the room.
Satyr: So long, sucker!
Zexotellian: No! You can't do this to me! I'm Zexotell....
The black smoke completely surrounded him, a moment later, the smoke and Zexotellian were gone.
Gweg: Don't tell me that was the cancer kid.
Satyr: It was.
Gweg: How could you do that to him?
Satyr: What? He was going to die anyway. And now it wasn't in vain. God, you are such a pessimistic. No wonder you were visiting gothic chat rooms.
The End.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
ASMB Part 2: The Campaign Meeting
Gweg returned home to find all of the furniture out of the living room. In their place, he saw a dozen folding chairs and a podium. He couldn't wait to hear what Satyr was up to now.
Gweg went to Satyr's room and knocked on the door. There was no answer. Gweg then heard the shower turn on in the bathroom. Gweg was perplexed by this, because he could never recall a time when Satyr used the shower.
Half an hour later, Satyr came out of the bathroom.
Gweg: What's the deal with the chair and the podium.
Satyr: I have invited a few members of the Adult Swim Message Board over here for a meeting.
Gweg: A meeting about what?
Satyr: My bid for the Presidency in 2020.
Gweg: It's 2005.
Satyr: There is no better time to start than the present.
Gweg: So, your friends from the boards are coming over. I hope none of them are trying to kill you. No wait, I take that back.
Satyr: Don't worry, I only invited those who would help me in my campaign. Go ahead, take a seat.
Gweg: All right, this might prove entertaining.
There was a knock at the door. Satyr answered it.
Satyr: Ah good, sparks is here.
sparks: I am here to help Satyr bring his greatness throughout the land!
Gweg let out a laugh.
Satyr: I'm glad you could make it. Grab a seat and we'll wait for the others.
sparks: You must be Gweg.
Gweg: That I am.
sparks: Do you oppose Satyr and all who follow him?
Gweg: I have better things to do with my time.
sparks: Good. All those who oppose will be shot!
Satyr: That's right. I'll tell you this now spark before we begin, you will be head of my Secret Service.
spark: It will be my honor.
There was another knock at the door. Satyr opened it to find the next ASMBer.
RadioactiveDude: Yes, I am here. Now, what about granting my wish?
Satyr: Breakdancing naked on a roof during a thunderstorm?
RadioactiveDude: No, the other one.
Satyr: Fine, here's your new mp3 player.
RadioactiveDude took the player and sat down next to sparks.
sparks: It's good to see you here.
RadioactiveDude: Likewise.
sparks: So, why did Satyr have to bribe you to come here? You should have come out of blind loyalty.
RadioactiveDude: I did, the mp3 player was for something else.
sparks: What?
RadioactiveDude: You'll see.
Satyr: That's right RD, we don't want to spoil the surprise.
A few minutes later, RyanfromtheShire arrived.
Ryan: Thank you for inviting me Satyr!
Satyr: Thank you for coming.
Ryan: Right on!
Satyr: Nice jacket there. It's really big.
Ryan: Yeah. It's my band jacket.
Satyr: Cool, have a seat.
Ryan sat down.
Ryan: Where are your instruments?
sparks: What instruments.
Ryan: Satyr told me he was starting a band!
Satyr: I lied. I needed to get you here. You will be an important part of my plans.
Ryan: You said we were going to get wasted and play some tunes!
Satyr: Well, I knew the temptation of alcohol would lure you here.
Ryan: Forget you Satyr! I came here with the promise of beer and music! I'm leaving!
Ryan got up to leave. Satyr gave a signal to sparks.
Sparks took a blow dart out of his pocket and blew it towards Ryan. The dart shot into his neck and he collapsed to the floor.
Satyr: Good job sparks. The only rule I have here tonight is that no one is to breath a word about what is discussed here.
Radioactive Dude and sparks both nodded their heads in agreement. Gweg just stared silently into the sky.
Satyr: All right sparks, help me move Ryan into Gweg's room. We'll throw him on the bed. How long will he be out for?
sparks: What do you mean?
Satyr: You know, how long does that tranq dart put a person out?
sparks: Tranquilizer dart? No, that was a lethal dart.
Satyr: So Ryan is dead then?
sparks: Yeah.
Satyr: Oh well, let's get him on Gweg's bed and we'll get rid of the body later.
Gweg: Let's cut him up and throw him in the incinerator.
Satyr: Good thinking Gweg. I'll let you and sparks take care of that.
Gweg: I wasn't being serious.
Satyr: This is no time for jokes Gweg! Do you know what this could do to my campaign? If I'm connected to this death, I'll probably only serve four years instead of eight.
There was a knock on the door.
Satyr: Quick! Let's get this body into the bed room!
Satyr and sparks got the body into the bed room. RadioactiveDude answered the door.
It was DragoonKnight and C17H19N03.
C17: Hey guys! We are here to make history!
Dragoon: Hello. How are you all doing? I'm doing fine. Thank you for asking.
Satyr leaned over to C17.
Satyr: What the hell is wrong with him.
C17: It's ok. He just doesn't have a personality.
Dragoon: But I do have a 1944 penny. I take it with me wherever I go.
Satyr: That's nice. We are almost ready to begin.
C17: Where's Ryan. I know that had to be his car out front.
Satyr: He's feeling a little sick, so he decided to lay down for a while. That's ok though, we can do this meeting without him.
RadioactiveDude: Where's PatheticAesthetic? I though she was going to be here.
Satyr: She already is.
As if on cue, PatheticAesthetic walked out of the bathroom.
Aesthetic: Wow Satyr, that shower really wore me out.
Satyr: That was nothing: You wait until the marathon tonight. Your whole body will feel like it's been through a machine. A love machine!
Aesthetic blushed and sat down.
Gweg: Why are all of these ASMB chicks in love with you?
Satyr: Because I provide the comedy. Because I know how to make a woman feel good.
Gweg: What about that girl in the grocery store today?
Satyr: It's not my fault she wasn't prepared to ride the crimson wave. Anyway, you need to shut up, because we need to be focused. We just have to wait for one more person.
C17: Who? I thought it was going to be just us.
Satyr and Dude looked at each other and laughed.
Satyr: it's a bit of a surprise, but he is the key to my plans.
And once again, as if on cue, there was a knock at the door.
Satyr: Here he is. This is going to be great.
Satyr opened the door. And in the hallway, stood Pero.
Pero: I came here because the radioactive man said he would give me some of his video games if I did. That's him over there sitting down. Where are the games?
Dude: They are right here in this bag.
Pero: Thank you. It's hard to find good games like this. My mother works hard and she brings home money. She gives me an allowance. I use some of the money to buy games. This week I won't have to because the radioactive man gave me some cool games.
Sparks walked up to Satyr and whispered into his ear.
sparks: What the in the hell is he doing here?
Satyr: Don't worry. Just sit down. I'll explain everything.
sparks sit back down. Pero still stood near the podium looking at his games.
Satyr: Go ahead and take a seat Pero.
Pero: Ok. Do you have anything to drink? Water will do fine. It's been a while since I drank pop.
Satyr: All right. Let's all go into the kitchen and get some refreshments before we begin.
They all headed into the kitchen. Satyr had a some cheese and crackers prepared. They grabbed sodas from the fridge, Pero got his water.
C17 spotted a cookie jar on the counter and decided to help himself.
Satyr: No C17! Don't get into that!
Satyr's warning came to late. C17 stuck his hand into the cookie jar and pulled it back out. His hand was covered in a black ash.
C17: What is this stuff?
Satyr: That would be Primus' cremated remains.
C17: Oh my god!
Satyr: We had to put it in something. Here, if you want a cookie, put on these gloves and get one out.
Dragoon: You left the cookies in there?
Satyr: Yeah, it keeps them fresh.
Dragoon: I'll have one then.
Pero: I went to the store one time and got a cookie. It tasted real nice. It had that candy in it, the red and blue ones. They have talking ones on the commercials. I like that one commercial with the gecko. I had an iguana once. But my family went to Florida on a vacation for two weeks and nobody was around to feed it. It died. I cried for a while but then my mom bought me a cat. We named it Carl after my Uncle. He used to work for Time magazine. He would write articles about movies. My favorite movie is Small Soldiers. It has Kirsten Dunst in it. If I ever see her on the street, I wouldn't talk to her it's because I choke around girls. But I am reading a book on how to overcome shyness. Like the one in Earthbound. Earthbound was a great game. I was going to spend some money on games this week, but the radioactive man got some for me.
sparks: Oh my god! You are a fucking idiot!
Pero said nothing. In fact, he looked as though he didn't hear the comment at all.
Satyr: All right, let's get back in the front room and get this thing started.
Satyr: All right. As you all know, I'm planning to campaign for the Presidency of the USA in the year 2020. You are all here because you all provide something that will be useful to me. sparks will be in charge of security. PatheticAesthetic will be in charge of moral, emotional, and sexual support. C17 will be put in charge of spying on the competition and DragoonKnight will be in charge of the press.
Gweg: I'd really hate to spoil all of your fun here. But aren't you forgetting a simple little fact?
Satyr: What would that be Gweg?
Gweg: You need to be a natural born US citizen to run for President! You were born in an entirely different dimension.
Satyr: I'm glad you brought that up. That's where our good friend Pero comes in. You see, I will not be the one elected President, I'll just be pulling the strings. Pero is the one the American people will vote for!
C17: President Pero? You have got to be kidding me. With all due respect Satyr, no one will want to vote for that utter moron.
Satyr: I've got two words for you: George Bush.
Satyr saw them all nodding and smiling, with the exception of Gweg who was shaking his head and Pero, who was reading the instruction booklet to one of his video games.
PatheticAesthetic: You are an absolute genius Satyr.
She ran up to him and kissed passionately.
Satyr: I know. It's amazing how my mind works.
Gweg: For the first time tonight, you and I agree on something.
Dragoon: But will Pero go for it? I think we will have to get him an XBox 360 for him to do something that big.
Satyr: What do you say Pero? Will you be the front man for me while I really run the show?
Pero: What's that one thing called? The thing that has pointy stuff out in the desert?
Satyr: A cactus?
Pero: Yeah.
Satyr: What about them?
Pero: I just wanted to know what they were called.
Satyr: You really are a fucking moron. This plan will work better than I imagined.
Pero sat still for a few seconds and then started to shake. He let out a scream and start growing! His shirt ripped right off of his body and his skin turned yellow. He grew at least 4 feet higher and had muscles on top of muscles.
PeroHulk: Puny humans and goat-man make fun of Pero! Pero Smash!
Pero lunged out with his fist and smashed the podium.
Satyr: Everybody run!
Pero reached out and grabbed Satyr, Satyr managed to get free but fell to the ground.
sparks: I'll save you Satyr!
sparks leaped from the ground and landed in front of Satyr. PeroHulk grabbed him and tore him in half.
Satyr: You just killed the future Head of the Secret Service!
PeroHulk raised his giant foot in the air and was ready to stomp on Satyr.
And then, as if on cue, RyanfromtheShire emerged from the hall.
Ryan: Damn I've got a hell of a headache. It's worse than a hangover, what the hell is going on out here?
PeroHulk stared at Ryan and slowly raised his foot down.
PeroHulk: Puffy Jacket bad! Puffy Jacket scare Pero.
PeroHulk bolted out of the door, taking most of the wall around it with him, and was heard running to the outside.
Satyr: How are you alive Ryan? sparks said that dart was lethal.
Ryan: Please, after all the alcohol I've drank in my life, no poison could kill me!
The End.
Gweg went to Satyr's room and knocked on the door. There was no answer. Gweg then heard the shower turn on in the bathroom. Gweg was perplexed by this, because he could never recall a time when Satyr used the shower.
Half an hour later, Satyr came out of the bathroom.
Gweg: What's the deal with the chair and the podium.
Satyr: I have invited a few members of the Adult Swim Message Board over here for a meeting.
Gweg: A meeting about what?
Satyr: My bid for the Presidency in 2020.
Gweg: It's 2005.
Satyr: There is no better time to start than the present.
Gweg: So, your friends from the boards are coming over. I hope none of them are trying to kill you. No wait, I take that back.
Satyr: Don't worry, I only invited those who would help me in my campaign. Go ahead, take a seat.
Gweg: All right, this might prove entertaining.
There was a knock at the door. Satyr answered it.
Satyr: Ah good, sparks is here.
sparks: I am here to help Satyr bring his greatness throughout the land!
Gweg let out a laugh.
Satyr: I'm glad you could make it. Grab a seat and we'll wait for the others.
sparks: You must be Gweg.
Gweg: That I am.
sparks: Do you oppose Satyr and all who follow him?
Gweg: I have better things to do with my time.
sparks: Good. All those who oppose will be shot!
Satyr: That's right. I'll tell you this now spark before we begin, you will be head of my Secret Service.
spark: It will be my honor.
There was another knock at the door. Satyr opened it to find the next ASMBer.
RadioactiveDude: Yes, I am here. Now, what about granting my wish?
Satyr: Breakdancing naked on a roof during a thunderstorm?
RadioactiveDude: No, the other one.
Satyr: Fine, here's your new mp3 player.
RadioactiveDude took the player and sat down next to sparks.
sparks: It's good to see you here.
RadioactiveDude: Likewise.
sparks: So, why did Satyr have to bribe you to come here? You should have come out of blind loyalty.
RadioactiveDude: I did, the mp3 player was for something else.
sparks: What?
RadioactiveDude: You'll see.
Satyr: That's right RD, we don't want to spoil the surprise.
A few minutes later, RyanfromtheShire arrived.
Ryan: Thank you for inviting me Satyr!
Satyr: Thank you for coming.
Ryan: Right on!
Satyr: Nice jacket there. It's really big.
Ryan: Yeah. It's my band jacket.
Satyr: Cool, have a seat.
Ryan sat down.
Ryan: Where are your instruments?
sparks: What instruments.
Ryan: Satyr told me he was starting a band!
Satyr: I lied. I needed to get you here. You will be an important part of my plans.
Ryan: You said we were going to get wasted and play some tunes!
Satyr: Well, I knew the temptation of alcohol would lure you here.
Ryan: Forget you Satyr! I came here with the promise of beer and music! I'm leaving!
Ryan got up to leave. Satyr gave a signal to sparks.
Sparks took a blow dart out of his pocket and blew it towards Ryan. The dart shot into his neck and he collapsed to the floor.
Satyr: Good job sparks. The only rule I have here tonight is that no one is to breath a word about what is discussed here.
Radioactive Dude and sparks both nodded their heads in agreement. Gweg just stared silently into the sky.
Satyr: All right sparks, help me move Ryan into Gweg's room. We'll throw him on the bed. How long will he be out for?
sparks: What do you mean?
Satyr: You know, how long does that tranq dart put a person out?
sparks: Tranquilizer dart? No, that was a lethal dart.
Satyr: So Ryan is dead then?
sparks: Yeah.
Satyr: Oh well, let's get him on Gweg's bed and we'll get rid of the body later.
Gweg: Let's cut him up and throw him in the incinerator.
Satyr: Good thinking Gweg. I'll let you and sparks take care of that.
Gweg: I wasn't being serious.
Satyr: This is no time for jokes Gweg! Do you know what this could do to my campaign? If I'm connected to this death, I'll probably only serve four years instead of eight.
There was a knock on the door.
Satyr: Quick! Let's get this body into the bed room!
Satyr and sparks got the body into the bed room. RadioactiveDude answered the door.
It was DragoonKnight and C17H19N03.
C17: Hey guys! We are here to make history!
Dragoon: Hello. How are you all doing? I'm doing fine. Thank you for asking.
Satyr leaned over to C17.
Satyr: What the hell is wrong with him.
C17: It's ok. He just doesn't have a personality.
Dragoon: But I do have a 1944 penny. I take it with me wherever I go.
Satyr: That's nice. We are almost ready to begin.
C17: Where's Ryan. I know that had to be his car out front.
Satyr: He's feeling a little sick, so he decided to lay down for a while. That's ok though, we can do this meeting without him.
RadioactiveDude: Where's PatheticAesthetic? I though she was going to be here.
Satyr: She already is.
As if on cue, PatheticAesthetic walked out of the bathroom.
Aesthetic: Wow Satyr, that shower really wore me out.
Satyr: That was nothing: You wait until the marathon tonight. Your whole body will feel like it's been through a machine. A love machine!
Aesthetic blushed and sat down.
Gweg: Why are all of these ASMB chicks in love with you?
Satyr: Because I provide the comedy. Because I know how to make a woman feel good.
Gweg: What about that girl in the grocery store today?
Satyr: It's not my fault she wasn't prepared to ride the crimson wave. Anyway, you need to shut up, because we need to be focused. We just have to wait for one more person.
C17: Who? I thought it was going to be just us.
Satyr and Dude looked at each other and laughed.
Satyr: it's a bit of a surprise, but he is the key to my plans.
And once again, as if on cue, there was a knock at the door.
Satyr: Here he is. This is going to be great.
Satyr opened the door. And in the hallway, stood Pero.
Pero: I came here because the radioactive man said he would give me some of his video games if I did. That's him over there sitting down. Where are the games?
Dude: They are right here in this bag.
Pero: Thank you. It's hard to find good games like this. My mother works hard and she brings home money. She gives me an allowance. I use some of the money to buy games. This week I won't have to because the radioactive man gave me some cool games.
Sparks walked up to Satyr and whispered into his ear.
sparks: What the in the hell is he doing here?
Satyr: Don't worry. Just sit down. I'll explain everything.
sparks sit back down. Pero still stood near the podium looking at his games.
Satyr: Go ahead and take a seat Pero.
Pero: Ok. Do you have anything to drink? Water will do fine. It's been a while since I drank pop.
Satyr: All right. Let's all go into the kitchen and get some refreshments before we begin.
They all headed into the kitchen. Satyr had a some cheese and crackers prepared. They grabbed sodas from the fridge, Pero got his water.
C17 spotted a cookie jar on the counter and decided to help himself.
Satyr: No C17! Don't get into that!
Satyr's warning came to late. C17 stuck his hand into the cookie jar and pulled it back out. His hand was covered in a black ash.
C17: What is this stuff?
Satyr: That would be Primus' cremated remains.
C17: Oh my god!
Satyr: We had to put it in something. Here, if you want a cookie, put on these gloves and get one out.
Dragoon: You left the cookies in there?
Satyr: Yeah, it keeps them fresh.
Dragoon: I'll have one then.
Pero: I went to the store one time and got a cookie. It tasted real nice. It had that candy in it, the red and blue ones. They have talking ones on the commercials. I like that one commercial with the gecko. I had an iguana once. But my family went to Florida on a vacation for two weeks and nobody was around to feed it. It died. I cried for a while but then my mom bought me a cat. We named it Carl after my Uncle. He used to work for Time magazine. He would write articles about movies. My favorite movie is Small Soldiers. It has Kirsten Dunst in it. If I ever see her on the street, I wouldn't talk to her it's because I choke around girls. But I am reading a book on how to overcome shyness. Like the one in Earthbound. Earthbound was a great game. I was going to spend some money on games this week, but the radioactive man got some for me.
sparks: Oh my god! You are a fucking idiot!
Pero said nothing. In fact, he looked as though he didn't hear the comment at all.
Satyr: All right, let's get back in the front room and get this thing started.
Satyr: All right. As you all know, I'm planning to campaign for the Presidency of the USA in the year 2020. You are all here because you all provide something that will be useful to me. sparks will be in charge of security. PatheticAesthetic will be in charge of moral, emotional, and sexual support. C17 will be put in charge of spying on the competition and DragoonKnight will be in charge of the press.
Gweg: I'd really hate to spoil all of your fun here. But aren't you forgetting a simple little fact?
Satyr: What would that be Gweg?
Gweg: You need to be a natural born US citizen to run for President! You were born in an entirely different dimension.
Satyr: I'm glad you brought that up. That's where our good friend Pero comes in. You see, I will not be the one elected President, I'll just be pulling the strings. Pero is the one the American people will vote for!
C17: President Pero? You have got to be kidding me. With all due respect Satyr, no one will want to vote for that utter moron.
Satyr: I've got two words for you: George Bush.
Satyr saw them all nodding and smiling, with the exception of Gweg who was shaking his head and Pero, who was reading the instruction booklet to one of his video games.
PatheticAesthetic: You are an absolute genius Satyr.
She ran up to him and kissed passionately.
Satyr: I know. It's amazing how my mind works.
Gweg: For the first time tonight, you and I agree on something.
Dragoon: But will Pero go for it? I think we will have to get him an XBox 360 for him to do something that big.
Satyr: What do you say Pero? Will you be the front man for me while I really run the show?
Pero: What's that one thing called? The thing that has pointy stuff out in the desert?
Satyr: A cactus?
Pero: Yeah.
Satyr: What about them?
Pero: I just wanted to know what they were called.
Satyr: You really are a fucking moron. This plan will work better than I imagined.
Pero sat still for a few seconds and then started to shake. He let out a scream and start growing! His shirt ripped right off of his body and his skin turned yellow. He grew at least 4 feet higher and had muscles on top of muscles.
PeroHulk: Puny humans and goat-man make fun of Pero! Pero Smash!
Pero lunged out with his fist and smashed the podium.
Satyr: Everybody run!
Pero reached out and grabbed Satyr, Satyr managed to get free but fell to the ground.
sparks: I'll save you Satyr!
sparks leaped from the ground and landed in front of Satyr. PeroHulk grabbed him and tore him in half.
Satyr: You just killed the future Head of the Secret Service!
PeroHulk raised his giant foot in the air and was ready to stomp on Satyr.
And then, as if on cue, RyanfromtheShire emerged from the hall.
Ryan: Damn I've got a hell of a headache. It's worse than a hangover, what the hell is going on out here?
PeroHulk stared at Ryan and slowly raised his foot down.
PeroHulk: Puffy Jacket bad! Puffy Jacket scare Pero.
PeroHulk bolted out of the door, taking most of the wall around it with him, and was heard running to the outside.
Satyr: How are you alive Ryan? sparks said that dart was lethal.
Ryan: Please, after all the alcohol I've drank in my life, no poison could kill me!
The End.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
The Mime Incident
Gweg had the apartment all to himself. He decided to do cleaning, reading, and napping. Today was going to be a very good day for him. Satyr had decided to spend the whole day in town.
Gweg had finished cleaning and was about to lay down on the couch to do some reading, when Satyr burst through the door.
Gweg: Every fucking time!
Satyr: What?
Gweg: Every time I begin to do something I enjoy, you manage to interrupt it.
Satyr: Well, I'm sorry, but I need your help.
Gweg: What is it now?
Satyr: There is this mime two blocks down the street. And he attacked me.
Gweg: Why would a mime attack you?
Satyr: I found out his secret.
Gweg: What secret?
Satyr: That mimes are really from outer space!
Gweg: Last week you were telling me they were all from France.
Satyr: They are. You see, thousands of years ago, the mimes landed in France. They bred with humans. Now these half breed mimes are plotting to take over the world!
Gweg: You probably read that in the Weekly World News.
Satyr: No I did not. It's true. The mime even talked to me and said if I told anybody, he would kill me.
Gweg: So why did you tell me?
Satyr: Because we are going to go down there and capture him. Then we will perform experiments on him.
Gweg: I have a lot better things to do than to kidnap a mime.
Satyr: Come down with me and I'll prove it. This mime has some sort of Force-like superpower.
Gweg: I suppose you won't go away if I don't?
Satyr: I'm staying right here unless you come down with me.
Gweg: Fine. Show me your Space Mime From Mars.
Satyr led Gweg down the street.
Satyr: There he is. I will approach him slowly.
Satyr started to walk towards the mime slowly, but then he broke out into a run. The mime was doing the "Trapped in a Box" routine, and when Satyr reached the part where the invisible wall was, Satyr stopped as though he smacked right into it and he fell to the ground.
Satyr got up and yelled over to Gweg.
Satyr: See that? He has the power to create invisible things. Like this box!
The mime then started swirling an invisible lasso over his head. He swung it at Satyr. Satyr stood still with his arms at his side and started to struggle. The mime then drew his arm back and Satyr fell flat on his face.
Satyr: Help me Gweg!
The mime then started dribbling a pretend basketball. Satyr managed to get himself up and the mime threw the invisible basketball at Satyr's head.
Satyr's head bounced back as he let out a "Ow!". The mime then reached behind his back drew out an invisible sword.
As the mime approached Satyr, Gweg tackled the mime from behind and dropped him to the ground.
Satyr pulled a syringe out of his pocket and stuck it into the mime's neck.
Satyr: Mr. Mime here is going to be sleeping for a few hours, let's get him to the apartment.
Satyr and Gweg brought the mime back to their apartment. They tied him to the bed. Satyr went out and got a hacksaw and a blowtorch.
Satyr: Ok Gweg, this has to be handled delicately. Now, from what we have seen from this mime, his power is in his appendages.
Gweg: Remind me again why I am doing this.
Satyr: We are doing it for science. We are doing it for history. We are doing it to benefit mankind.
Gweg: How will this benefit mankind?
Satyr: By unlocking the mystery of this alien and tapping into his powers, we might find the secrets to curing cancer, or finding a bet fuel resource, or just make life easier for the common man!
Gweg: That all sounds good, but I can't help thinking you have some sort of ulterior motive.
Satyr looked hurt by this comment.
Satyr: How could you even say that? The only reason I am doing this is to help my fellow man!
Gweg: You are a satyr.
Satyr: It's that kind of labeling that sets us back. It's people like you who do not help us wipe out discrimination. Now, pick up that blowtorch and help me cut up this mime to advance mankind!
Gweg picked up the blowtorch and Satyr went to work. Satyr cut off the mime's arm and blood started squirting everywhere.
Gweg: He's bleeding all over my fucking bed!
Satyr: Well then hurry up and cauterize that wound.
Two hours later, they had finished. Satyr piled the disembodied appendages in the corner.
Satyr: Well, the hard part is done. I could go for a McRib right about now.
Gweg: That's disgusting.
Satyr: Yeah well, we need to take a break anyway. It'll be a while until I can figure out how exactly to tap into his power.
Satyr snickered.
Gweg didn't trust that laugh. He went up to the mime's head and put his fingers on his neck to check for a pulse. Gweg found one. The mime opened his mouth and Gweg looked inside and saw something that made him scream at Satyr.
Gweg: He doesn't have a tongue!
Satyr: So what?
Gweg: That means he can't talk! And you told me he said he would kill you if you told anybody he was an alien.
Satyr: Uh, he used telepathy.
Gweg: You lying sack of shit!
Gweg picked up the blowtorch and pointed it a Satyr's face.
Gweg: Tell me what's really going on or I will burn your face off right here and now/
Satyr: Ok! When I went out today, I saw the mime and I got an idea. I told the mime I would pay him 20 dollars if he pretended to attack me with invisible stuff in front of you.
Gweg: To convince me he was an alien?
Satyr: Yes.
Gweg: I take it he didn't know about that part.
Satyr: Yeah. I needed your help to kidnap him and bring him up here so we could cut off his arms and legs.
Gweg: But why?
Satyr: To create the world's first Quadriplegic Mime!
Gweg: I don't even know what words to use to describe how idiotic that is.
Satyr: Think about. A Quadriplegic Mime will draw huge crowds. It's innovation will be the marvel of the world! It will make the cover of Time magazine!
Gweg: How in the hell is a quadriplegic mime supposed to do his act?
Satyr: That's the beauty of it! It's tragically funny.
Gweg: It's tragic all right. Now, we have to do the right thing and put this poor mime out of his misery.
Gweg picked up the hacksaw and went towards the mime's neck. He then heard a voice speaking in his head.
The Voice: Your friend was right. We mimes really are an alien/human race. All we want to do is live peacefully here as we perform our acts on the street. We are not the violent type, but since you and your friends have ruined me, I will now kill the both of you!
Gweg turned to Satyr.
Gweg: How did you do that?
Satyr: Do what?
Gweg: That nifty little trick were you....
But Gweg was cut off by a sound coming from the corner. Gweg and Satyr turned to look and they saw the mime's two arms crawling out from under the legs. After the freed themselves, They stood up on their hands, palms flat to the floor, with the arms sticking straight up.
The bent at the elbows and jumped toward Gweg. The hands opened and they grabbed Gweg at the neck.
Gweg dropped the saw and grabbed at the arms.
Gweg (choking): Get them off of me!
Satyr went towards Gweg, but he felt something hit him in the ass.
He turned around and the mime's legs were standing right in front of him.
One of the legs jumped up at kicked Satyr right in the face.
Satyr: Ow! My fugging node!
Gweg was still struggling with the arms when he noticed the blowtorch. He reached down to get it and turned it on the arms.
It didn't work, they choked Gweg even harder.
The legs kept hitting Satyr.
Satyr: Kill the fugging mime!
Gweg managed to get over by the mime and he knocked him out with the butt of the blowtorch.
The arms and legs fell to the floor.
Satyr: Whad da fug was dad all aboud?
Gweg (gasping): He really was an alien.
Satyr: No shid?
Gweg: Yeah. Now let's get rid of him. All of him.
Satyr and Gweg threw the arms and the legs into the building incinerator.
They took his body out on the boat and took it out into the middle of the lake.
Satyr: Lod od memmoried ad thid lade.
Gweg: Yeah. We almost got killed by the aborted Jesus fetus.
Satyr: Good dimed!
They dumped the body into the lake.
Gweg: Well, I'm glad this is all over. Let's go home.
Four Days Later
Gweg: Come on Satyr, it's time to go grocery shopping!
Satyr: I'm coming.
They drove for a few blocks and then came to a stop. A couple blocks ahead of them, there were a bunch of people walking down the middle of the road.
Satyr: What the hell is this?
Gweg: Looks like a parade. They all seem to be wearing the same thing.
Satyr: But it's not a holiday.
Gweg: Maybe it's a gay pride parade.
Satyr: I don't think so. They wouldn't have one without inviting you.
Gweg: You are a funny guy. Oh shit!
Gweg looked at the crowd with wide eyed. Satyr saw what it was about them that scared Gweg.
They were mimes.
And leading them was a mime pushing a wheelchair. And in the wheelchair, was a quadriplegic mime.
He started talking to Gweg and Satyr through telepathy.
The Quadriplegic Mime: So, you think a little water will kill me huh? It will take more than that! But we'll see what it takes to kill you! Maybe suffocation inside an invisible box! Or how about being strung up by an invisible rope! Or maybe we'll just hack off your arms and legs and beat you to death with them!
Gweg: Last week, if you were to ask me how I was going die, I never would have said "By getting killed by a hundred alien mimes from France being given orders by their quadriplegic leader".
Satyr let out a laugh.
Gweg: I know it sounds funny, but being that is it the actual situation, forgive me if I don't join you.
Satyr: Not that, look over there.
Satyr pointed at a store.
Gweg: The Bath and Body Works?
Satyr: Yes. What is the weakness of the French? Soap.
Satyr and Gweg ran out of the car and into the store.
The mimes gathered outside in front of it. The quadriplegic mime called out to them telepathically.
The QM: Come on out you two! You are only delaying the inevitable!
Satyr: Have it your way!
Satyr and Gweg ran out, liquid soap bottles in hand, and started spraying the mimes.
The mimes started to retreat.
They heard the QM screaming in their heads.
The QM: You may have defeated us this time! But we will have our revenge!
The mimes were gone.
Satyr: Ah good ol' soap.
Gweg: What kind of soap is this anyway? Dues ex machina?
Satyr: What?
Gweg: You know. The "god in the machine". When somebody finds themselves in a situation they can't get out of and something comes out of the blue and saves them, that's known as a deus ex machina.
Satyr: That gives me a wonderful idea.
Gweg: Whatever. Let's get to the store.
The End.
Gweg had finished cleaning and was about to lay down on the couch to do some reading, when Satyr burst through the door.
Gweg: Every fucking time!
Satyr: What?
Gweg: Every time I begin to do something I enjoy, you manage to interrupt it.
Satyr: Well, I'm sorry, but I need your help.
Gweg: What is it now?
Satyr: There is this mime two blocks down the street. And he attacked me.
Gweg: Why would a mime attack you?
Satyr: I found out his secret.
Gweg: What secret?
Satyr: That mimes are really from outer space!
Gweg: Last week you were telling me they were all from France.
Satyr: They are. You see, thousands of years ago, the mimes landed in France. They bred with humans. Now these half breed mimes are plotting to take over the world!
Gweg: You probably read that in the Weekly World News.
Satyr: No I did not. It's true. The mime even talked to me and said if I told anybody, he would kill me.
Gweg: So why did you tell me?
Satyr: Because we are going to go down there and capture him. Then we will perform experiments on him.
Gweg: I have a lot better things to do than to kidnap a mime.
Satyr: Come down with me and I'll prove it. This mime has some sort of Force-like superpower.
Gweg: I suppose you won't go away if I don't?
Satyr: I'm staying right here unless you come down with me.
Gweg: Fine. Show me your Space Mime From Mars.
Satyr led Gweg down the street.
Satyr: There he is. I will approach him slowly.
Satyr started to walk towards the mime slowly, but then he broke out into a run. The mime was doing the "Trapped in a Box" routine, and when Satyr reached the part where the invisible wall was, Satyr stopped as though he smacked right into it and he fell to the ground.
Satyr got up and yelled over to Gweg.
Satyr: See that? He has the power to create invisible things. Like this box!
The mime then started swirling an invisible lasso over his head. He swung it at Satyr. Satyr stood still with his arms at his side and started to struggle. The mime then drew his arm back and Satyr fell flat on his face.
Satyr: Help me Gweg!
The mime then started dribbling a pretend basketball. Satyr managed to get himself up and the mime threw the invisible basketball at Satyr's head.
Satyr's head bounced back as he let out a "Ow!". The mime then reached behind his back drew out an invisible sword.
As the mime approached Satyr, Gweg tackled the mime from behind and dropped him to the ground.
Satyr pulled a syringe out of his pocket and stuck it into the mime's neck.
Satyr: Mr. Mime here is going to be sleeping for a few hours, let's get him to the apartment.
Satyr and Gweg brought the mime back to their apartment. They tied him to the bed. Satyr went out and got a hacksaw and a blowtorch.
Satyr: Ok Gweg, this has to be handled delicately. Now, from what we have seen from this mime, his power is in his appendages.
Gweg: Remind me again why I am doing this.
Satyr: We are doing it for science. We are doing it for history. We are doing it to benefit mankind.
Gweg: How will this benefit mankind?
Satyr: By unlocking the mystery of this alien and tapping into his powers, we might find the secrets to curing cancer, or finding a bet fuel resource, or just make life easier for the common man!
Gweg: That all sounds good, but I can't help thinking you have some sort of ulterior motive.
Satyr looked hurt by this comment.
Satyr: How could you even say that? The only reason I am doing this is to help my fellow man!
Gweg: You are a satyr.
Satyr: It's that kind of labeling that sets us back. It's people like you who do not help us wipe out discrimination. Now, pick up that blowtorch and help me cut up this mime to advance mankind!
Gweg picked up the blowtorch and Satyr went to work. Satyr cut off the mime's arm and blood started squirting everywhere.
Gweg: He's bleeding all over my fucking bed!
Satyr: Well then hurry up and cauterize that wound.
Two hours later, they had finished. Satyr piled the disembodied appendages in the corner.
Satyr: Well, the hard part is done. I could go for a McRib right about now.
Gweg: That's disgusting.
Satyr: Yeah well, we need to take a break anyway. It'll be a while until I can figure out how exactly to tap into his power.
Satyr snickered.
Gweg didn't trust that laugh. He went up to the mime's head and put his fingers on his neck to check for a pulse. Gweg found one. The mime opened his mouth and Gweg looked inside and saw something that made him scream at Satyr.
Gweg: He doesn't have a tongue!
Satyr: So what?
Gweg: That means he can't talk! And you told me he said he would kill you if you told anybody he was an alien.
Satyr: Uh, he used telepathy.
Gweg: You lying sack of shit!
Gweg picked up the blowtorch and pointed it a Satyr's face.
Gweg: Tell me what's really going on or I will burn your face off right here and now/
Satyr: Ok! When I went out today, I saw the mime and I got an idea. I told the mime I would pay him 20 dollars if he pretended to attack me with invisible stuff in front of you.
Gweg: To convince me he was an alien?
Satyr: Yes.
Gweg: I take it he didn't know about that part.
Satyr: Yeah. I needed your help to kidnap him and bring him up here so we could cut off his arms and legs.
Gweg: But why?
Satyr: To create the world's first Quadriplegic Mime!
Gweg: I don't even know what words to use to describe how idiotic that is.
Satyr: Think about. A Quadriplegic Mime will draw huge crowds. It's innovation will be the marvel of the world! It will make the cover of Time magazine!
Gweg: How in the hell is a quadriplegic mime supposed to do his act?
Satyr: That's the beauty of it! It's tragically funny.
Gweg: It's tragic all right. Now, we have to do the right thing and put this poor mime out of his misery.
Gweg picked up the hacksaw and went towards the mime's neck. He then heard a voice speaking in his head.
The Voice: Your friend was right. We mimes really are an alien/human race. All we want to do is live peacefully here as we perform our acts on the street. We are not the violent type, but since you and your friends have ruined me, I will now kill the both of you!
Gweg turned to Satyr.
Gweg: How did you do that?
Satyr: Do what?
Gweg: That nifty little trick were you....
But Gweg was cut off by a sound coming from the corner. Gweg and Satyr turned to look and they saw the mime's two arms crawling out from under the legs. After the freed themselves, They stood up on their hands, palms flat to the floor, with the arms sticking straight up.
The bent at the elbows and jumped toward Gweg. The hands opened and they grabbed Gweg at the neck.
Gweg dropped the saw and grabbed at the arms.
Gweg (choking): Get them off of me!
Satyr went towards Gweg, but he felt something hit him in the ass.
He turned around and the mime's legs were standing right in front of him.
One of the legs jumped up at kicked Satyr right in the face.
Satyr: Ow! My fugging node!
Gweg was still struggling with the arms when he noticed the blowtorch. He reached down to get it and turned it on the arms.
It didn't work, they choked Gweg even harder.
The legs kept hitting Satyr.
Satyr: Kill the fugging mime!
Gweg managed to get over by the mime and he knocked him out with the butt of the blowtorch.
The arms and legs fell to the floor.
Satyr: Whad da fug was dad all aboud?
Gweg (gasping): He really was an alien.
Satyr: No shid?
Gweg: Yeah. Now let's get rid of him. All of him.
Satyr and Gweg threw the arms and the legs into the building incinerator.
They took his body out on the boat and took it out into the middle of the lake.
Satyr: Lod od memmoried ad thid lade.
Gweg: Yeah. We almost got killed by the aborted Jesus fetus.
Satyr: Good dimed!
They dumped the body into the lake.
Gweg: Well, I'm glad this is all over. Let's go home.
Four Days Later
Gweg: Come on Satyr, it's time to go grocery shopping!
Satyr: I'm coming.
They drove for a few blocks and then came to a stop. A couple blocks ahead of them, there were a bunch of people walking down the middle of the road.
Satyr: What the hell is this?
Gweg: Looks like a parade. They all seem to be wearing the same thing.
Satyr: But it's not a holiday.
Gweg: Maybe it's a gay pride parade.
Satyr: I don't think so. They wouldn't have one without inviting you.
Gweg: You are a funny guy. Oh shit!
Gweg looked at the crowd with wide eyed. Satyr saw what it was about them that scared Gweg.
They were mimes.
And leading them was a mime pushing a wheelchair. And in the wheelchair, was a quadriplegic mime.
He started talking to Gweg and Satyr through telepathy.
The Quadriplegic Mime: So, you think a little water will kill me huh? It will take more than that! But we'll see what it takes to kill you! Maybe suffocation inside an invisible box! Or how about being strung up by an invisible rope! Or maybe we'll just hack off your arms and legs and beat you to death with them!
Gweg: Last week, if you were to ask me how I was going die, I never would have said "By getting killed by a hundred alien mimes from France being given orders by their quadriplegic leader".
Satyr let out a laugh.
Gweg: I know it sounds funny, but being that is it the actual situation, forgive me if I don't join you.
Satyr: Not that, look over there.
Satyr pointed at a store.
Gweg: The Bath and Body Works?
Satyr: Yes. What is the weakness of the French? Soap.
Satyr and Gweg ran out of the car and into the store.
The mimes gathered outside in front of it. The quadriplegic mime called out to them telepathically.
The QM: Come on out you two! You are only delaying the inevitable!
Satyr: Have it your way!
Satyr and Gweg ran out, liquid soap bottles in hand, and started spraying the mimes.
The mimes started to retreat.
They heard the QM screaming in their heads.
The QM: You may have defeated us this time! But we will have our revenge!
The mimes were gone.
Satyr: Ah good ol' soap.
Gweg: What kind of soap is this anyway? Dues ex machina?
Satyr: What?
Gweg: You know. The "god in the machine". When somebody finds themselves in a situation they can't get out of and something comes out of the blue and saves them, that's known as a deus ex machina.
Satyr: That gives me a wonderful idea.
Gweg: Whatever. Let's get to the store.
The End.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Saturday, November 05, 2005
Thursday, October 27, 2005
ASMB Story Part 1: The Stalker
The alarm clock went off and Satyr awoke from his 10 hour sleep. Before he went to sleep the night before, he had been up for 32 hours straight working on a new device, a device that was sure to be his ultimate creation.
Gweg was already up fixing breakfast. Satyr took his morning piss and sat down at the computer. After logging on, he checked his e-mails.
Satyr received a perplexing e-mail from somebody named "NewBuddy". This is what he wrote:
Dear Pollyknuckle,
I am your new buddy. I have been watching you for the past couple of weeks. Yes, I know all about you. Just the other day, you were in your room making some sort of little metallic box. I am interested to find out what it is!
I'll be sending some gifts your way, I do hope you get them.
See you soon
Your NewBuddy.
Satyr read through the e-mail several times. He was convinced it was a joke by Gweg.
Satyr: Gweg get in here!
Gweg: What is it? I've got the bacon on the stove.
Satyr: You think you are funny don't you? This little e-mail. Well, I'm not falling for it.
Gweg: What e-mail?
Satyr: This one.
Satyr pointed to the monitor. Gweg read the e-mail.
Gweg: Well, I swear to you I did not write it. But whoever did knows your real name. Pollyknuckle.
Gweg couldn't help but snicker when he said the name. Satyr growled under his breath and read the e-mail again. Gweg went back into the kitchen to tend to the bacon.
Satyr sent a reply to NewBuddy asking who he was. Satyr went to his usual sites while waiting for a response. Half an hour later, Satyr still had no new e-mails.
Gweg was finished with his breakfast and went into the computer room with Satyr.
Gweg: So, what's this small box all about?
Satyr: I knew it! NewBuddy is interested in the box and so are you! You've got to get up pretty early in the morning to fool me!
Gweg: I was up three hours before you were! And, I didn't fucking send it! I am only curious about the box because it can only mean one thing, trouble.
Satyr: That's were you are wrong. The box will be the answer to all of our problems.
Gweg: Unless the box can make you disappear and have Natalie Portman take your place, then I think your box is full of shit.
Satyr: You'll see. Come and watch.
Satyr and Gweg went to Satyr's room. Satyr picked up a small metallic box sitting on his dresser. The box was the size of a disposable camera and had one button on top of it and a lot of little red, green, and blue lights on it's sides.
Satyr: If you ever find yourself in a situation that requires a little something extra to get out of, something out of the blue for instance, a push of the button on this box, and voila, you have what you need! I call it the Duce X Machine!
Gweg: Why don't you give that button a press so I can find the words to tell you how incredibly fucking stupid you really are.
Satyr: Once again, I have produced greatness, but alas, the only audience I have for it is somebody with the emotional equivalence of a black hole!
Gweg: Ok Satyr. To prove your little toy works, let's take it to the computer and see if it will unravel the mystery of your stalker.
Satyr: Good idea Gweg. I could use a little more input like that from you more often.
Gweg: (under his breath) The next input you'll get from me, is when I input my foot up your ass.
Satyr: You say something?
Gweg: Nope.
Satyr sat the Duce X Machine on the computer desk. He brought up the e-mail and then pressed the Machine's button.
The Machine's lights started to flash and the computer monitor went blank. A few seconds later, a new web page was brought up.
Satyr: I'll be damned. It's the Adult Swim Message Board. I should have known that the stalker would be from there.
Gweg: Why do you say that?
Satyr: There are two kinds of people on the ASMB. Those who love me and those who hate me. Unfortunately, the latter outnumbers the former.
Gweg: Imagine that.
Satyr: But my stalker could be either type. This is going to take some serious investigating on our part.
Gweg: Why do you insist on including me. They are stalking you, I have no part in this at all.
Satyr: What if they sneak in here late at night to kill me? You think they are just going to let you live? Nope, they will kill you to.
Gweg: I hate to say it, but you do have a point. All right. Let's find out who it is.
Satyr compiled a list of ASMBers he thought would fit the profile of someone who would want to stalk him.
Satyr: All right. I made the list of potential stalkers. I put the most likely on the top of the list.
Gweg took the list from Satyr and read it.
Gweg: So, who's this Primus Fan 1?
Satyr: Uh yeah, there is something I should probably tell you before we begin.
Gweg: What is it?
Satyr: Well, you know they have these "live journals" on the internet. Well, I have my own and I mention you a few times.
Gweg: And?
Satyr: Well, Primus, he reads what I post there and he gets a kick out of our adventures. And He idolizes you.
Gweg: Well, I'm either flattered or appalled. I guess I'll find out which one it is later.
Satyr: He's a good kid. You'll like him.
Gweg: Yeah, if he doesn't have a shrine of me in his living room surrounded by the trash I throw out.
Satyr shrugged his shoulders.
Satyr and Gweg decided to take a road trip to each of houses of the people who were on Satyr's list. Gweg and Satyr met in the living room to do some last minute planning before heading out.
They had just got everything packed and ready when there was a knock on the door.
Satyr: Should we answer it?
Gweg: Be my guest.
Satyr opened the door. It was a UPS man.
UPS Man: I got a package here for a Pollyknuckle Applebee.
Satyr: He's mocking me.
Satyr signed for the package and the UPS Man left. Satyr opened it. Inside was a doll of a red haired boy with overalls.
Satyr: This is the creepiest looking thing I have ever seen.
Gweg: It's a "My Buddy" doll.
Satyr: Great. Oh look, here's a note.
Satyr took the note out and read it out loud.
Dear Satyr,
Here is my gift to you. Inside the buddy doll, you'll find my greatest gift of all!
Your NewBuddy.
Satyr took out the doll and ripped it open. Something red and sticky fell to the floor. It was the size of a fist.
Gweg: Holy shit! That's a human heart!
Satyr: We had better find this sick fuck as fast as we can.
Satyr and Gweg took off and headed for Primus Fan 1's house.
They found his house and went up to the door. Satyr rang the doorbell. A teenage boy answered.
Primus Fan 1: Satyr! What do I owe the pleasure of this visit? And is that...oh my god...it is...GWEG!
Primus threw himself to the ground at Gweg's feet.
Primus: You are my hero Gweg! I kiss the ground you walk on!
Gweg: That's unnecessary.
Primus stood up and dusted himself off.
Primus: Sorry Gweg. I tend to get a little carried away.
Gweg: That's quite alright.
Primus: So, what's up guys?
Satyr: I seem to have a stalker. And it's an ASMBer. We're trying to find out who it is.
Primus: You think it's me?
Satyr: Well, you are the first on my list.
Primus: It's not me. I swear. I don't have the time or the effort to stalk someone. It's hard enough finding the time for homework and video games.
Satyr: Ok. We just need to cover all of our bases.
Primus: You know what I do have time for?
Satyr: No.
Primus: I have time to come with you and track this stalker down.
Gweg: This might get a little dangerous. It's probably best if you just stay home.
Primus: Please let me come with you. I won't get in the way and I'll be a big help, I swear.
Satyr: Are those Slim Jims sitting on your end table there?
Primus: Yes, they are. Want one?
Satyr: Hell yes I want one! You're a-ok in my book. You can come with us.
Primus: Woo-hoo!
Satyr, Gweg, and Primus set off to find the next person on the list. Pillz.
Their destination was a shabby apartment building.
Satyr: I bet you this is the kind of place that has bugs crawling in the bath tubs.
Satyr didn't exactly know which apartment Pillz lived in. But he was sure he found the right one when he saw a door with a huge Hal Jordan poster on it.
Satyr: This has to be it.
Primus: The guy truly is obsessed.
Satyr knocked on the door. Pillz answered.
Pillz: What are you guys doing here?
Satyr: I'll cut to the chase. Are you stalking me?
Pillz: Yes I am. But not this week, this week it's Neal Adams.
Satyr: Your sarcastic wit is too much for me.
Pillz: I know. Well, I may not be stalking you, but I really am stalking Neal Adams.
Satyr: Well, anyway, would you like to join us on our quest to find my stalker.
Pillz: I don't know, I've got to sort through my comic collection. And get the roaches out of my bathtub.
Primus: Come on Pillz, we need you. Think of it like the Justice League. Satyr is Superman, Gweg is Batman, I'm J'onn J'onzz, and you're Green Lantern.
Gweg: According to Satyr's last girlfriend, he should be the Flash.
Satyr ignored this comic, Primus laughed his ass off.
Pillz: Well, since you put it that way, I guess I'll come along. But this better not suck like "The Batman" or anything.
Satyr: Well on to the next name on the list. SockatOr.
She lived in a nice house. It has flowers along the driveway. Satyr knocked on the door.
SockatOr appeared at the door wearing her pajamas.
SockatOr: *Gasp* Satyr! If I had known you were stopping by, I would have worn something more appropriate.
Satyr: Don't sweat it babe. You look just fine.
SockatOr: Who are all of these people with you?
Satyr: Well, we got Pillz and Primus here. You know them from the Boards. And this waste of flesh standing over here is Gweg.
SockatOr: Nice. What are you all doing here?
Satyr: Seems like I have a stalker problem. Know anything about it?
SockatOr: Well, I won't deny my everlasting love and desire for you Satyr, I know nothing of any stalking.
Gweg: Wait a sec. You're in love with Satyr?
SockatOr: Of course I am. I can't help being attracted to his raw animal sexuality.
Pillz: I always knew you had a thing for goats.
SockatOr: You are just jealous.
Pillz: Not really, considering what happened to your last boyfriend.
SockatOr: Don't you dare bring that up.
Primus: What happened?
Pillz: Let's just say he prefers the log and not the beaver.
Satyr: All right. Well, thanks SockatOr. We need to be on our way.
SockatOr: May I come? I'll, uh, make it worth your time. If you know what I mean.
Satyr: There's always room for one more.
Primus: Where to next Commander?
Satyr: Captain Sam's house.
When the Crew reached Captain Sam's house, they were in for a surprise. Not only was Sam there, but Shaft76 was there as well.
Shaft76: Wow! Look at all of these people. Reminds me of a tube of grey headlights soaking in a tub of ultra thin pillow crackers.
Capt. Sam: More like a spanking a road full of sugar coated hamstrings.
Satyr: That's great fellas. We are here trying to track down a stalker. Either of you happen to be him?
Shaft76: That's as ridiculous as a robotic flea reading T. S. Eliot while trying to balance a football made of sunshine on his spleen.
Capt. Sam: It's like a Blowtorch trying to make love to a cuticle.
Gweg: Why are the both of you speaking in obscure metaphors?
Shaft76 & Capt. Sam: Because the omniscient one is too lazy to try to come up with real dialogue for us! Yaaaah Yaaaah! Nyaaaah!
SockatOr: Let's get the hell out of here.
Pillz: Yes, let's.
Satyr and his gang left.
Pillz: I'm starving. Let's stop by some store so I can pick up some snacks.
Satyr: Agreed. We could all use a break.
Primus: I'm thirsty as well.
Pillz: Really? I thought you'd be emo.
Primus: You know something, I really hate you sometimes.
Pillz: I was just joking. I'll buy you some pop.
They found a little grocery store. Pillz went in to grab some snacks and sodas. Satyr and SockatOr went into an alley to take care of some "business". Gweg and Primus sat down at a bench.
Gweg: I want to ask you a question if you don't mind.
Primus: Fire away.
Gweg: Why am I your hero?
Primus. Well, I read what Satyr writes about you. You don't take any shit. You are smart and you tell people exactly what you think. I admire that.
Gweg: That's very flattering. But I think you could do better than me for somebody to emulate.
Primus: Somebody like Satyr?
Gweg: Fuck no!
Primus: Who then?
Gweg: I don't know. But just not me. Truth be told, I'm as bad as Satyr. I let him get away with a lot of shit. I mean, that poor mime. I can't believe Satyr talked me in to doing that.
Primus: What mime?
Gweg: He hasn't wrote about that?
Primus: No.
Gweg: Then forget about it.
At that time, Satyr and SockatOr came out of the alley.
SockatOr: That was just a preview. The Main Feature is for later.
Satyr: I can't wait.
Pillz emerged from the store with some pop and a bag of Cracker Jack.
Pillz: We ready? Let's get this over with.
Satyr: All right the next person on the list is...
Satyr was interrupted by the screech of tires. A van pulled up beside them and two men in ski masks jumped out the side. One of them grabbed Primus and the other grabbed SockatOr.
After they jumped back into the van, the driver threw out a piece of paper and sped away.
Satyr: Son of a bitch!
Gweg picked up the piece of paper.
Gweg: It's another note.
Satyr read it.
Dear Satyr Shit Head,
My my. That's quite the group you have collected there. I think I'll "borrow" a couple of them. Ha ha! If you ever want to see them again, meet me at the abandoned warehouse on the east side of town. Bring only yourself, Gweg, and Pillz. I want them to come as well. It will be a nice party.
See you soon.
Your NewBuddy.
Satyr: We need to get to the abandoned warehouse.
Pillz: An abandoned warehouse. What a cliche.
The trio arrived at the building. When they got inside, they saw Primus and Sockator. They were both tied to posts. Standing in between them was a masked person holding a sword.
Masked Person: Welcome my friends! I am so glad you could make it!
Satyr: Why don't you show us who you are?
Masked Person: So be it!
The person took off the mask. Satyr was shocked to see who it was.
Satyr: Purple Slug!
Purple Slug: That's right it is I. Now we shall play our favorite game. "Choose or Die!" This is how we play. You get to choose which on of these fine tied up people get to be killed in front of you. Your girlfriend SockatOr or your number one fan Primus. If you don't choose, both die and so do you!
Satyr was angry. Gweg was busy trying to think of a plan. Pillz seemed entertained by the whole thing, as all he did was munch on the Cracker Jack.
Satyr: Why this sick twisted game? Is it because of you love me and know you can never have me?
Purple Slug laughed.
Purple Slug: Love you? In your dreams. The only reason I am doing this is because I am an evil vixen from Neptune!
Satyr: Ok. I have made my choice.
Satyr pulled out a gun and shot Primus right between his eyes.
Gweg: What the fuck! You had a gun this whole time? Why didn't you shoot Purple Slug?
Satyr: You heard her. One of them had to die. And SockatOr promised me I'd be getting laid tonight.
Purple Slug: You idiot! I was supposed to kill whoever you chose! I was supposed to make you suffer! Now I have no choice but to kill SockatOr!
Satyr: Wait a sec. Before you do that, why don't you show us who you really are!
Purple Slug: I underestimated you.
Purple Slug grabbed her face and started pulling it off. It was another mask.
Satyr: Ha! I knew it was you, Invader Zim!
Invader Zim: Yes. It is me. This is my revenge for every time you made me ruin my computer equipment whenever you mentioned Jena Malone!
Satyr: Jena Malone!
Invader Zim stood still and then started shaking. He let out a moan and once again stood still.
Zim: These were my favorite pants! Now your woman dies!
Zim started toward SockatOr with the sword raised.
Gweg: Shoot him!
Satyr: I only had one bullet.
Gweg suddenly remembered something.
Gweg: You idiot! Use the Duce X Machine!
Satyr had completely forgot he had it. He pulled it out of his pocket and pressed the button. The lights went of. A huge picture of Jena Malone appeared in the air.
Zim was just about to stab SockatOr through the heart when he saw the picture. He dropped the sword and and pulled down his pants and went to town on himself.
Satyr: That will only stop him for so long. We need something else!
Pillz: Hey! All right! The Toy Surprise!
Pillz opened up the the little package.
Pillz: It's a Green Lantern Ring!
Pillz put it on and felt the Ring's power flow through him.
Pillz: In brightest day, in blackest night No evil shall escape my sight Let those who worship evil's might Beware my power, Green Lantern's light!
A green light erupted from the ring to form a giant chainsaw. Pillz raised it up in the air and brought it down on Invader Zim, cutting him in half.
Satyr freed SockatOr from her shackles.
Gweg: Well. I'm glad that's over. We should probably take Primus' body back to his family.
Satyr: I'll take care of that.
Satyr pressed the button on the Duce X Machine. Primus' body erupted in flames and was burnt to a crisp.
Satyr: I didn't see that coming.
Gweg: Damn it. You know, I actually liked that kid. He did nothing to deserve this. Satyr, give me the Duce X Machine.
Satyr: Why?
Gweg: Because you are not responsible enough to have it.
Satyr: You can have it when you pry it from my cold dead hands.
Gweg: Pillz if you would please.
Pillz pointed the Ring at Satyr.
Satyr: Fine. Here take it.
Pillz: Well, I'm out of here. Time to go do some good with the Ring. So long.
Satyr watched him leave with some anger in his eyes.
Satyr: Jordan sucks. We all know Alan Scott was the best Lantern anyway.
Gweg was already up fixing breakfast. Satyr took his morning piss and sat down at the computer. After logging on, he checked his e-mails.
Satyr received a perplexing e-mail from somebody named "NewBuddy". This is what he wrote:
Dear Pollyknuckle,
I am your new buddy. I have been watching you for the past couple of weeks. Yes, I know all about you. Just the other day, you were in your room making some sort of little metallic box. I am interested to find out what it is!
I'll be sending some gifts your way, I do hope you get them.
See you soon
Your NewBuddy.
Satyr read through the e-mail several times. He was convinced it was a joke by Gweg.
Satyr: Gweg get in here!
Gweg: What is it? I've got the bacon on the stove.
Satyr: You think you are funny don't you? This little e-mail. Well, I'm not falling for it.
Gweg: What e-mail?
Satyr: This one.
Satyr pointed to the monitor. Gweg read the e-mail.
Gweg: Well, I swear to you I did not write it. But whoever did knows your real name. Pollyknuckle.
Gweg couldn't help but snicker when he said the name. Satyr growled under his breath and read the e-mail again. Gweg went back into the kitchen to tend to the bacon.
Satyr sent a reply to NewBuddy asking who he was. Satyr went to his usual sites while waiting for a response. Half an hour later, Satyr still had no new e-mails.
Gweg was finished with his breakfast and went into the computer room with Satyr.
Gweg: So, what's this small box all about?
Satyr: I knew it! NewBuddy is interested in the box and so are you! You've got to get up pretty early in the morning to fool me!
Gweg: I was up three hours before you were! And, I didn't fucking send it! I am only curious about the box because it can only mean one thing, trouble.
Satyr: That's were you are wrong. The box will be the answer to all of our problems.
Gweg: Unless the box can make you disappear and have Natalie Portman take your place, then I think your box is full of shit.
Satyr: You'll see. Come and watch.
Satyr and Gweg went to Satyr's room. Satyr picked up a small metallic box sitting on his dresser. The box was the size of a disposable camera and had one button on top of it and a lot of little red, green, and blue lights on it's sides.
Satyr: If you ever find yourself in a situation that requires a little something extra to get out of, something out of the blue for instance, a push of the button on this box, and voila, you have what you need! I call it the Duce X Machine!
Gweg: Why don't you give that button a press so I can find the words to tell you how incredibly fucking stupid you really are.
Satyr: Once again, I have produced greatness, but alas, the only audience I have for it is somebody with the emotional equivalence of a black hole!
Gweg: Ok Satyr. To prove your little toy works, let's take it to the computer and see if it will unravel the mystery of your stalker.
Satyr: Good idea Gweg. I could use a little more input like that from you more often.
Gweg: (under his breath) The next input you'll get from me, is when I input my foot up your ass.
Satyr: You say something?
Gweg: Nope.
Satyr sat the Duce X Machine on the computer desk. He brought up the e-mail and then pressed the Machine's button.
The Machine's lights started to flash and the computer monitor went blank. A few seconds later, a new web page was brought up.
Satyr: I'll be damned. It's the Adult Swim Message Board. I should have known that the stalker would be from there.
Gweg: Why do you say that?
Satyr: There are two kinds of people on the ASMB. Those who love me and those who hate me. Unfortunately, the latter outnumbers the former.
Gweg: Imagine that.
Satyr: But my stalker could be either type. This is going to take some serious investigating on our part.
Gweg: Why do you insist on including me. They are stalking you, I have no part in this at all.
Satyr: What if they sneak in here late at night to kill me? You think they are just going to let you live? Nope, they will kill you to.
Gweg: I hate to say it, but you do have a point. All right. Let's find out who it is.
Satyr compiled a list of ASMBers he thought would fit the profile of someone who would want to stalk him.
Satyr: All right. I made the list of potential stalkers. I put the most likely on the top of the list.
Gweg took the list from Satyr and read it.
Gweg: So, who's this Primus Fan 1?
Satyr: Uh yeah, there is something I should probably tell you before we begin.
Gweg: What is it?
Satyr: Well, you know they have these "live journals" on the internet. Well, I have my own and I mention you a few times.
Gweg: And?
Satyr: Well, Primus, he reads what I post there and he gets a kick out of our adventures. And He idolizes you.
Gweg: Well, I'm either flattered or appalled. I guess I'll find out which one it is later.
Satyr: He's a good kid. You'll like him.
Gweg: Yeah, if he doesn't have a shrine of me in his living room surrounded by the trash I throw out.
Satyr shrugged his shoulders.
Satyr and Gweg decided to take a road trip to each of houses of the people who were on Satyr's list. Gweg and Satyr met in the living room to do some last minute planning before heading out.
They had just got everything packed and ready when there was a knock on the door.
Satyr: Should we answer it?
Gweg: Be my guest.
Satyr opened the door. It was a UPS man.
UPS Man: I got a package here for a Pollyknuckle Applebee.
Satyr: He's mocking me.
Satyr signed for the package and the UPS Man left. Satyr opened it. Inside was a doll of a red haired boy with overalls.
Satyr: This is the creepiest looking thing I have ever seen.
Gweg: It's a "My Buddy" doll.
Satyr: Great. Oh look, here's a note.
Satyr took the note out and read it out loud.
Dear Satyr,
Here is my gift to you. Inside the buddy doll, you'll find my greatest gift of all!
Your NewBuddy.
Satyr took out the doll and ripped it open. Something red and sticky fell to the floor. It was the size of a fist.
Gweg: Holy shit! That's a human heart!
Satyr: We had better find this sick fuck as fast as we can.
Satyr and Gweg took off and headed for Primus Fan 1's house.
They found his house and went up to the door. Satyr rang the doorbell. A teenage boy answered.
Primus Fan 1: Satyr! What do I owe the pleasure of this visit? And is that...oh my god...it is...GWEG!
Primus threw himself to the ground at Gweg's feet.
Primus: You are my hero Gweg! I kiss the ground you walk on!
Gweg: That's unnecessary.
Primus stood up and dusted himself off.
Primus: Sorry Gweg. I tend to get a little carried away.
Gweg: That's quite alright.
Primus: So, what's up guys?
Satyr: I seem to have a stalker. And it's an ASMBer. We're trying to find out who it is.
Primus: You think it's me?
Satyr: Well, you are the first on my list.
Primus: It's not me. I swear. I don't have the time or the effort to stalk someone. It's hard enough finding the time for homework and video games.
Satyr: Ok. We just need to cover all of our bases.
Primus: You know what I do have time for?
Satyr: No.
Primus: I have time to come with you and track this stalker down.
Gweg: This might get a little dangerous. It's probably best if you just stay home.
Primus: Please let me come with you. I won't get in the way and I'll be a big help, I swear.
Satyr: Are those Slim Jims sitting on your end table there?
Primus: Yes, they are. Want one?
Satyr: Hell yes I want one! You're a-ok in my book. You can come with us.
Primus: Woo-hoo!
Satyr, Gweg, and Primus set off to find the next person on the list. Pillz.
Their destination was a shabby apartment building.
Satyr: I bet you this is the kind of place that has bugs crawling in the bath tubs.
Satyr didn't exactly know which apartment Pillz lived in. But he was sure he found the right one when he saw a door with a huge Hal Jordan poster on it.
Satyr: This has to be it.
Primus: The guy truly is obsessed.
Satyr knocked on the door. Pillz answered.
Pillz: What are you guys doing here?
Satyr: I'll cut to the chase. Are you stalking me?
Pillz: Yes I am. But not this week, this week it's Neal Adams.
Satyr: Your sarcastic wit is too much for me.
Pillz: I know. Well, I may not be stalking you, but I really am stalking Neal Adams.
Satyr: Well, anyway, would you like to join us on our quest to find my stalker.
Pillz: I don't know, I've got to sort through my comic collection. And get the roaches out of my bathtub.
Primus: Come on Pillz, we need you. Think of it like the Justice League. Satyr is Superman, Gweg is Batman, I'm J'onn J'onzz, and you're Green Lantern.
Gweg: According to Satyr's last girlfriend, he should be the Flash.
Satyr ignored this comic, Primus laughed his ass off.
Pillz: Well, since you put it that way, I guess I'll come along. But this better not suck like "The Batman" or anything.
Satyr: Well on to the next name on the list. SockatOr.
She lived in a nice house. It has flowers along the driveway. Satyr knocked on the door.
SockatOr appeared at the door wearing her pajamas.
SockatOr: *Gasp* Satyr! If I had known you were stopping by, I would have worn something more appropriate.
Satyr: Don't sweat it babe. You look just fine.
SockatOr: Who are all of these people with you?
Satyr: Well, we got Pillz and Primus here. You know them from the Boards. And this waste of flesh standing over here is Gweg.
SockatOr: Nice. What are you all doing here?
Satyr: Seems like I have a stalker problem. Know anything about it?
SockatOr: Well, I won't deny my everlasting love and desire for you Satyr, I know nothing of any stalking.
Gweg: Wait a sec. You're in love with Satyr?
SockatOr: Of course I am. I can't help being attracted to his raw animal sexuality.
Pillz: I always knew you had a thing for goats.
SockatOr: You are just jealous.
Pillz: Not really, considering what happened to your last boyfriend.
SockatOr: Don't you dare bring that up.
Primus: What happened?
Pillz: Let's just say he prefers the log and not the beaver.
Satyr: All right. Well, thanks SockatOr. We need to be on our way.
SockatOr: May I come? I'll, uh, make it worth your time. If you know what I mean.
Satyr: There's always room for one more.
Primus: Where to next Commander?
Satyr: Captain Sam's house.
When the Crew reached Captain Sam's house, they were in for a surprise. Not only was Sam there, but Shaft76 was there as well.
Shaft76: Wow! Look at all of these people. Reminds me of a tube of grey headlights soaking in a tub of ultra thin pillow crackers.
Capt. Sam: More like a spanking a road full of sugar coated hamstrings.
Satyr: That's great fellas. We are here trying to track down a stalker. Either of you happen to be him?
Shaft76: That's as ridiculous as a robotic flea reading T. S. Eliot while trying to balance a football made of sunshine on his spleen.
Capt. Sam: It's like a Blowtorch trying to make love to a cuticle.
Gweg: Why are the both of you speaking in obscure metaphors?
Shaft76 & Capt. Sam: Because the omniscient one is too lazy to try to come up with real dialogue for us! Yaaaah Yaaaah! Nyaaaah!
SockatOr: Let's get the hell out of here.
Pillz: Yes, let's.
Satyr and his gang left.
Pillz: I'm starving. Let's stop by some store so I can pick up some snacks.
Satyr: Agreed. We could all use a break.
Primus: I'm thirsty as well.
Pillz: Really? I thought you'd be emo.
Primus: You know something, I really hate you sometimes.
Pillz: I was just joking. I'll buy you some pop.
They found a little grocery store. Pillz went in to grab some snacks and sodas. Satyr and SockatOr went into an alley to take care of some "business". Gweg and Primus sat down at a bench.
Gweg: I want to ask you a question if you don't mind.
Primus: Fire away.
Gweg: Why am I your hero?
Primus. Well, I read what Satyr writes about you. You don't take any shit. You are smart and you tell people exactly what you think. I admire that.
Gweg: That's very flattering. But I think you could do better than me for somebody to emulate.
Primus: Somebody like Satyr?
Gweg: Fuck no!
Primus: Who then?
Gweg: I don't know. But just not me. Truth be told, I'm as bad as Satyr. I let him get away with a lot of shit. I mean, that poor mime. I can't believe Satyr talked me in to doing that.
Primus: What mime?
Gweg: He hasn't wrote about that?
Primus: No.
Gweg: Then forget about it.
At that time, Satyr and SockatOr came out of the alley.
SockatOr: That was just a preview. The Main Feature is for later.
Satyr: I can't wait.
Pillz emerged from the store with some pop and a bag of Cracker Jack.
Pillz: We ready? Let's get this over with.
Satyr: All right the next person on the list is...
Satyr was interrupted by the screech of tires. A van pulled up beside them and two men in ski masks jumped out the side. One of them grabbed Primus and the other grabbed SockatOr.
After they jumped back into the van, the driver threw out a piece of paper and sped away.
Satyr: Son of a bitch!
Gweg picked up the piece of paper.
Gweg: It's another note.
Satyr read it.
Dear Satyr Shit Head,
My my. That's quite the group you have collected there. I think I'll "borrow" a couple of them. Ha ha! If you ever want to see them again, meet me at the abandoned warehouse on the east side of town. Bring only yourself, Gweg, and Pillz. I want them to come as well. It will be a nice party.
See you soon.
Your NewBuddy.
Satyr: We need to get to the abandoned warehouse.
Pillz: An abandoned warehouse. What a cliche.
The trio arrived at the building. When they got inside, they saw Primus and Sockator. They were both tied to posts. Standing in between them was a masked person holding a sword.
Masked Person: Welcome my friends! I am so glad you could make it!
Satyr: Why don't you show us who you are?
Masked Person: So be it!
The person took off the mask. Satyr was shocked to see who it was.
Satyr: Purple Slug!
Purple Slug: That's right it is I. Now we shall play our favorite game. "Choose or Die!" This is how we play. You get to choose which on of these fine tied up people get to be killed in front of you. Your girlfriend SockatOr or your number one fan Primus. If you don't choose, both die and so do you!
Satyr was angry. Gweg was busy trying to think of a plan. Pillz seemed entertained by the whole thing, as all he did was munch on the Cracker Jack.
Satyr: Why this sick twisted game? Is it because of you love me and know you can never have me?
Purple Slug laughed.
Purple Slug: Love you? In your dreams. The only reason I am doing this is because I am an evil vixen from Neptune!
Satyr: Ok. I have made my choice.
Satyr pulled out a gun and shot Primus right between his eyes.
Gweg: What the fuck! You had a gun this whole time? Why didn't you shoot Purple Slug?
Satyr: You heard her. One of them had to die. And SockatOr promised me I'd be getting laid tonight.
Purple Slug: You idiot! I was supposed to kill whoever you chose! I was supposed to make you suffer! Now I have no choice but to kill SockatOr!
Satyr: Wait a sec. Before you do that, why don't you show us who you really are!
Purple Slug: I underestimated you.
Purple Slug grabbed her face and started pulling it off. It was another mask.
Satyr: Ha! I knew it was you, Invader Zim!
Invader Zim: Yes. It is me. This is my revenge for every time you made me ruin my computer equipment whenever you mentioned Jena Malone!
Satyr: Jena Malone!
Invader Zim stood still and then started shaking. He let out a moan and once again stood still.
Zim: These were my favorite pants! Now your woman dies!
Zim started toward SockatOr with the sword raised.
Gweg: Shoot him!
Satyr: I only had one bullet.
Gweg suddenly remembered something.
Gweg: You idiot! Use the Duce X Machine!
Satyr had completely forgot he had it. He pulled it out of his pocket and pressed the button. The lights went of. A huge picture of Jena Malone appeared in the air.
Zim was just about to stab SockatOr through the heart when he saw the picture. He dropped the sword and and pulled down his pants and went to town on himself.
Satyr: That will only stop him for so long. We need something else!
Pillz: Hey! All right! The Toy Surprise!
Pillz opened up the the little package.
Pillz: It's a Green Lantern Ring!
Pillz put it on and felt the Ring's power flow through him.
Pillz: In brightest day, in blackest night No evil shall escape my sight Let those who worship evil's might Beware my power, Green Lantern's light!
A green light erupted from the ring to form a giant chainsaw. Pillz raised it up in the air and brought it down on Invader Zim, cutting him in half.
Satyr freed SockatOr from her shackles.
Gweg: Well. I'm glad that's over. We should probably take Primus' body back to his family.
Satyr: I'll take care of that.
Satyr pressed the button on the Duce X Machine. Primus' body erupted in flames and was burnt to a crisp.
Satyr: I didn't see that coming.
Gweg: Damn it. You know, I actually liked that kid. He did nothing to deserve this. Satyr, give me the Duce X Machine.
Satyr: Why?
Gweg: Because you are not responsible enough to have it.
Satyr: You can have it when you pry it from my cold dead hands.
Gweg: Pillz if you would please.
Pillz pointed the Ring at Satyr.
Satyr: Fine. Here take it.
Pillz: Well, I'm out of here. Time to go do some good with the Ring. So long.
Satyr watched him leave with some anger in his eyes.
Satyr: Jordan sucks. We all know Alan Scott was the best Lantern anyway.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Monday, October 03, 2005
The Bro and Halo
cybercentaur: good ur on
virtual_satyr: whats up?
cybercentaur: we got a problem
virtual_satyr: ?????
cybercentaur: I just saw satta-sattar-sattar
virtual_satyr: OMFG!!!!
cybercentaur: what ru going to do?
virtual_satyr: idk get over here we'll figure something out
cybercentaur: ok
***cybercentaur has signed out***
Virtual Satyr got up from the computer desk. He was now very worried. There was no reason for Satta-Sattar-Sattar to be in town, but he never knew his friend, Cyber Centaur, to be wrong.
Satyr went to Gweg's room.
Satyr: Gweg, we have a situation on our hands.
Gweg: Oh, don't tell me. Ah, I know, the quadriplegic mime is after us again!
Satyr: No, this is worse. Satta-Sattar-Sattar is in town.
Gweg: Who?
Satyr: He's a satyr. The Name-Givers named him Satta-Sattar-Sattar, which means "The Satyr Who Walks Like A Man."
Gweg: Nice. So, what name did the Name-Givers give you?
Satyr: That's not important.
Gweg: Fine. So, why did they name him "Satyr Who Walks Like A Man"? You walk like a man, somewhat.
Satyr: I know, but Sattar has this cocky strut. And it would piss me off. He walked around as though he owned all of Mt. Olympus.
Gweg: Sounds like someone was jealous.
Satyr: You be quiet. Listen, my friend is coming over. We are going to track Sattar down. Now, my friend is a little sensitive about his looks, so don't be cruel.
Gweg: Sorry, you must have me confused with yourself.
Satyr: I'm Mr. Sensitivity!
Gweg: What about the time that man's head was on fire and you wouldn't put it out with your water?
Satyr: That bottle of water cost me 5 bucks!
20 minutes later, there was a knock at the door.
Satyr: That's probably Cyber, remember, don't make fun of him.
Gweg: Sure thing Goat-Boy!
Satyr shot Gweg a look and then opened the door. What stood there was not your usual centaur. He was only 5 feet tall and very scrawny. His human half was very skinny and un-muscular. He had mangy black hair, taped glasses, and braces. The other half of his body was not that of a horse, but something else entirely.
Upon seeing him, Gweg let out a laugh.
Gweg: I'm sorry, but you are the funniest looking centaur I have ever seen. I mean, what kind of centaur are you anyway? I thought you were all horses.
Cyber Centaur: Typical human thinking. There are many different types of centaurs. It's just that those horse ones are the most popular. Popular in school, popular with the girls, popular with the humans. They are just a bunch of dumb jocks. It's us others that have the brains.
Satyr: You hurt his feelings Gweg, you need to apologize.
Gweg: I'm sorry. I really am, but what breed of centaur are you.
Cyber: A llama, ok. Satisfied now? Do you think I enjoy being part llama? All it's good for is a good spitting range.
Gweg: Ok. I'm sorry.
Satyr: Good. Now, let's get down to business. Cyber, where did you see Sattar?
Cyber: I saw him down at the Mall while I was playing at the arcade.
Satyr: Ok. We'll head down there and see if we can spot him.
Cyber: What then?
Satyr: We'll follow him and see what he is up to. Let's move out.
Gweg: Have fun.
Satyr: You are coming with us.
Gweg: Why?
Satyr: You owe it to cyber after what you did to him, so come on.
Gweg, Satyr, and Cyber all went down to the Mall. After searching for a bit, they spotted Sattar flirting with a couple of women in the food court.
Satyr: There he is. Look at him, he is so smug. I just want to smack him.
Gweg: ***COUjealousGH***
Satyr: I am not jealous. I just hate jerks like him.
Cyber: Me too.
Gweg: So, what exactly are we going to do? Just follow him all day?
Satyr: He is here for a reason. We are going to find out what and put a stop to it.
Cyber: Uh guys, heads up. He's heading this way.
Satyr: Oh shit.
All three of them got up to move away, but amid the confusion, they collided with each other and fell to the ground.
Satta-Sattar-Sattar saw all of this and went up to them.
Sattar: Well, it looks like I came to the right place. I knew I would find you here.
Satyr: What do you want?
Sattar: I came to talk to you, my brother.
Gweg: You two are brothers?
Satyr: Yes, it's not something I'm proud of.
Sattar: Something you are not proud of? You brought disgrace to our family with your antics! It is who should not be proud!
Satyr: Oh you are right Sattar! I should be proud to have the great "Pompous Ass Who Walks Like A Man" as a brother. I disgraced the family? It's a wonder the family even remembered I was a part of it! I lived in your shadow all of my life and I needed to do whatever I could to get out from under it!
Sattar: But the frogs! Why did you have to do that horrible thing with the frogs?
Satyr: I didn't know the spell would be that powerful. But if it wasn't for you, it never would have happened!
Sattar: Listen, I didn't come here to argue. I came here to make amends. With you, my brother, Pollyknuckle Applebee.
There was a brief silence followed by roars of laughter. They came from Gweg and Cyber who were huddled together, tears streaming down their face with fits of laughter. Gweg caught his breath and looked at Satyr.
Gweg: Your name is Pollyknuckle Applebee? That's the funniest goddamn thing I have ever heard.
Satyr: Ha ha fucking hardy har har. And why in the hell are you laughing Cyber? After I stood up for you back at the apartment.
Cyber calmed himself down.
Cyber: You are right. I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you. Polly want a cracker?
Cyber and Gweg roared with laughter again.
Satyr glared at them and then turned to his bother.
Satyr: You see? This is what I always had to put up with when I was with you. Constant ridicule.
Sattar: I'm sorry brother. I promise to make it up to you.
Gweg and Cyber got over their laughing fit and apologized to Satyr.
Satyr: Apology accepted. Now, Sattar here wants to make amends, and I know the perfect way to do it. And you guys can help.
Gweg: How?
Satyr: It's time to go back home and break out the XBOX.
The four of them got back to the apartment. Satyr got out the XBOX and hooked up online.
Satyr: All right guys, we'll be playing the ever popular Halo 2. I'll make you all apart of my clan and we'll do some clan battles.
Gweg: Why is this game so popular? I mean, it's just a standard FPS. All it has got going for it is the online play and the vehicles.
Satyr: Just because you can't grasp the concept of something much greater than you, doesn't mean you have to try to bring it down.
Sattar: This going to be great! Going into battle with my brother!
Satyr: Nothing brings a family closer together than video games.
Sattar: Amen.
Cyber: Ok guys. Here's the keys to winning a team battle. Good Teamwork, Sound Strategy, and Superb Trash-Talking.
Satyr: Right. I wonder what clan is going to be up to the challenge of taking on us.
Gweg: Well, no challengers yet. I guess they are all cowering in fear.
Satyr: Probably.
Sattar: Ah, spoke to soon. There is a clan now.
Cyber: What clan is it?
Satyr: The Cuckoo Clucks Clan.
Gweg: Oh for Pete's sake.
Satyr: Let's get 'em boys.
The game began. It was a King of the Hill scenario, and Satyr's clan was winning.
CCC Member # 5: *Brawk* You'll never beat us!!!
Cyber: Ha, You guys are a bunch of noobs!
Sattar: Yeah, come at me in the Warthog while I have the Bazooka! HAHA Triple Kill!
Satyr: So long, Chicken McFucknuggets! This Hill is ours!
The game was over. Satyr and his Clan won. During the post game statistics, Satyr. Cyber, and Sattar kept bad-mouthing the Cuckoo Clucks Clan.
CCC Member # 10: *Brawk* There are 20 of us in the Grand CCC Army. We will get you!!!
Satyr: The CCC Army? Who's in charge? Col. Sanders?
Sattar: You the man Virtual Satyr!
Satyr smiled to himself. He had never been this happy before in his life. His brother was treating him as an equal and he was having a good old time with him and his two friends.
Cyber: I need to go rinse out my retainer.
Satyr: All right. This is a good time for a break.
Sattar: Hey brother, can I talk to you for a second?
Satyr: Sure.
Sattar: I know I never said this back home, but I need to say it now. I love you man.
Satyr: I love you to brother.
The hugged one another. But their brotherly embrace was interrupted by the sound of breaking glass.
Satyr: What the hell was that?
Gweg: The window! Someone threw a rock through it!
They all ran to the window and looked out.
Satyr: Holy fucking shit!
Outside stood 20 5-foot tall chickens dressed in white robes and wearing white pointed hoods. But there was one exception, on of the chickens had a red robe and hood. That one was the leader.
CCC Leader: *Brawk*I am the Grand Wizard of the Cuckoo Clucks Clan. Lucky for you, all of the Cuckoo Birds have been killed off, so it is just us chickens left. You have insulted our honor and now you will pay.
Cyber: Damn. I haven't seen this many white robes since that Casper Meets Strom Thurmond Convention in 2003.
Sattar: Shit! They have a sniper, everyone back away from the window!
Satyr, Gweg, and Cyber all got away from the window, but a shot rang out and Sattar let out a yell and tumbled to the floor.
Satyr: Noooooooooo!!!!!
Satyr jumped to the floor next to his brother.
Sattar: I'm glad I got to see you one last time bro.
Satyr: Shh. Just hang on, it'll be all right.
Sattar: I always respected you bro. I love you.
Sattar's body went limp.
Satyr held his brother's body in his arms. After a few moments which seemed like a lifetime to Satyr, he stood up, full of rage.
Satyr: It's payback time.
Satyr led Gweg and Cyber to a closet. Satyr opened it up to reveal a bevy of weapons which looked like the weapons from Halo 2.
Gweg: Where and the hell did those come from.
Satyr: I bought them last month from an illegal arms dealer. Here Gweg, you take the sniper and head out on the roof. Cyber, take the Rocket Launcher and shoot it from the window down into the street. Then take this Needler and meet me at the door. We'll go out there together and kick their asses.
Cyber: What weapon will you use.
Satyr: Me? I got the sword.
Gweg: Why can't I have a normal life?
Satyr: Normal lives are for boring people. All right guys. This is just like the Clan Match we played earlier. Only it's 20 on 3 and this time, it's for real.
Cyber: Let's do this!
Gweg headed for the roof. And Cyber took the Launcher to the window. He shot a rocket out into the street, taking out about ten of the chickens. Gweg had taken out 3 of them when he reached the roof.
Cyber went down to the front door.
Satyr: Ready? On 3. 1...2...3!
They charged out the door, one of the chickens ran right at Satyr. Satyr cut it's head off with the sword, but the decapitated chicken kept running and collided with Satyr, knocking him to the ground.
Satyr picked himself up and the body was still running around. Satyr kicked it and it fell and stopped moving.
Satyr: Damn these chickens! Aim for the heart Cyber!
Cyber: Right!
Satyr, Cyber, and Gweg took them down. There was on chicken left, the Grand Wizard.
The Grand Wizard: *Brawk* You may kill me but rest assured, the Cuckoo Clucks Clan will live forever! My only regret is that I have failed the boss!
Satyr: Shut it chicken, you're about to get fried.
Satyr took his sword and cut the Grand Wizard Chicken in half.
Satyr: I have avenged my brother. Let the corpses of the chickens be a sign that you don't fuck with a satyr!
Cyber: Well, I'm pooped. Let's go back upstairs and get a drink.
Satyr: Sure.
Satyr, Cyber, and Gweg sat down in the kitchen.
Satyr: Here's to Sattar! The best brother a guy could have.
Cyber and Gweg: To Sattar!
Gweg: Speaking of which, where's his body?
Sattar: Right here!
They all stood up and turned around. Sattar was standing in the doorway holding a gun.
Satyr: Brother, what's going on?
Sattar: Don't "Brother" me you stupid piece of shit. This was all of my doing. I came here to make a fake reconciliation, then I hired the CCC to attack us. I faked my own death to make you feel guilty. God, how I wanted you to die with a guilty conscience.
Satyr: But why?
Sattar: because you ruined my life. After you got kicked out of our world, I was no longer known as "The Satyr Who Walks Like A Man" I was "The Trouble Maker's Brother". Even though you were gone, everywhere I went it felt as though you were looming over me.
Satyr: Now you know how I felt all of those years!
Sattar: No! It's nothing like that. I was somebody. I had a reputation. You were a loser. You took everything from me, and now, I will kill you!
Sattar pulled back the hammer of the gun. He was too focused on Satyr, that he didn't notice Cyber throwing his head back and jerking it forward, spitting out a loogie the size of a golf ball.
The loogie hit Sattar right in the eyes causing him to drop his gun and grab at his face.
Sattar: Ah! My eyes!
Satyr leapt forward. Fortunately for him, he still had the energy sword with him. Satyr sliced at his brother cutting from the right should to his midsection, killing him.
The three of them stood around for a while looking at the bloody corpse on the floor. Finally, Satyr spoke.
Satyr: Well, that's enough Halo for tonight. Who wants to play Burnout: Revenge?
The End
virtual_satyr: whats up?
cybercentaur: we got a problem
virtual_satyr: ?????
cybercentaur: I just saw satta-sattar-sattar
virtual_satyr: OMFG!!!!
cybercentaur: what ru going to do?
virtual_satyr: idk get over here we'll figure something out
cybercentaur: ok
***cybercentaur has signed out***
Virtual Satyr got up from the computer desk. He was now very worried. There was no reason for Satta-Sattar-Sattar to be in town, but he never knew his friend, Cyber Centaur, to be wrong.
Satyr went to Gweg's room.
Satyr: Gweg, we have a situation on our hands.
Gweg: Oh, don't tell me. Ah, I know, the quadriplegic mime is after us again!
Satyr: No, this is worse. Satta-Sattar-Sattar is in town.
Gweg: Who?
Satyr: He's a satyr. The Name-Givers named him Satta-Sattar-Sattar, which means "The Satyr Who Walks Like A Man."
Gweg: Nice. So, what name did the Name-Givers give you?
Satyr: That's not important.
Gweg: Fine. So, why did they name him "Satyr Who Walks Like A Man"? You walk like a man, somewhat.
Satyr: I know, but Sattar has this cocky strut. And it would piss me off. He walked around as though he owned all of Mt. Olympus.
Gweg: Sounds like someone was jealous.
Satyr: You be quiet. Listen, my friend is coming over. We are going to track Sattar down. Now, my friend is a little sensitive about his looks, so don't be cruel.
Gweg: Sorry, you must have me confused with yourself.
Satyr: I'm Mr. Sensitivity!
Gweg: What about the time that man's head was on fire and you wouldn't put it out with your water?
Satyr: That bottle of water cost me 5 bucks!
20 minutes later, there was a knock at the door.
Satyr: That's probably Cyber, remember, don't make fun of him.
Gweg: Sure thing Goat-Boy!
Satyr shot Gweg a look and then opened the door. What stood there was not your usual centaur. He was only 5 feet tall and very scrawny. His human half was very skinny and un-muscular. He had mangy black hair, taped glasses, and braces. The other half of his body was not that of a horse, but something else entirely.
Upon seeing him, Gweg let out a laugh.
Gweg: I'm sorry, but you are the funniest looking centaur I have ever seen. I mean, what kind of centaur are you anyway? I thought you were all horses.
Cyber Centaur: Typical human thinking. There are many different types of centaurs. It's just that those horse ones are the most popular. Popular in school, popular with the girls, popular with the humans. They are just a bunch of dumb jocks. It's us others that have the brains.
Satyr: You hurt his feelings Gweg, you need to apologize.
Gweg: I'm sorry. I really am, but what breed of centaur are you.
Cyber: A llama, ok. Satisfied now? Do you think I enjoy being part llama? All it's good for is a good spitting range.
Gweg: Ok. I'm sorry.
Satyr: Good. Now, let's get down to business. Cyber, where did you see Sattar?
Cyber: I saw him down at the Mall while I was playing at the arcade.
Satyr: Ok. We'll head down there and see if we can spot him.
Cyber: What then?
Satyr: We'll follow him and see what he is up to. Let's move out.
Gweg: Have fun.
Satyr: You are coming with us.
Gweg: Why?
Satyr: You owe it to cyber after what you did to him, so come on.
Gweg, Satyr, and Cyber all went down to the Mall. After searching for a bit, they spotted Sattar flirting with a couple of women in the food court.
Satyr: There he is. Look at him, he is so smug. I just want to smack him.
Gweg: ***COUjealousGH***
Satyr: I am not jealous. I just hate jerks like him.
Cyber: Me too.
Gweg: So, what exactly are we going to do? Just follow him all day?
Satyr: He is here for a reason. We are going to find out what and put a stop to it.
Cyber: Uh guys, heads up. He's heading this way.
Satyr: Oh shit.
All three of them got up to move away, but amid the confusion, they collided with each other and fell to the ground.
Satta-Sattar-Sattar saw all of this and went up to them.
Sattar: Well, it looks like I came to the right place. I knew I would find you here.
Satyr: What do you want?
Sattar: I came to talk to you, my brother.
Gweg: You two are brothers?
Satyr: Yes, it's not something I'm proud of.
Sattar: Something you are not proud of? You brought disgrace to our family with your antics! It is who should not be proud!
Satyr: Oh you are right Sattar! I should be proud to have the great "Pompous Ass Who Walks Like A Man" as a brother. I disgraced the family? It's a wonder the family even remembered I was a part of it! I lived in your shadow all of my life and I needed to do whatever I could to get out from under it!
Sattar: But the frogs! Why did you have to do that horrible thing with the frogs?
Satyr: I didn't know the spell would be that powerful. But if it wasn't for you, it never would have happened!
Sattar: Listen, I didn't come here to argue. I came here to make amends. With you, my brother, Pollyknuckle Applebee.
There was a brief silence followed by roars of laughter. They came from Gweg and Cyber who were huddled together, tears streaming down their face with fits of laughter. Gweg caught his breath and looked at Satyr.
Gweg: Your name is Pollyknuckle Applebee? That's the funniest goddamn thing I have ever heard.
Satyr: Ha ha fucking hardy har har. And why in the hell are you laughing Cyber? After I stood up for you back at the apartment.
Cyber calmed himself down.
Cyber: You are right. I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you. Polly want a cracker?
Cyber and Gweg roared with laughter again.
Satyr glared at them and then turned to his bother.
Satyr: You see? This is what I always had to put up with when I was with you. Constant ridicule.
Sattar: I'm sorry brother. I promise to make it up to you.
Gweg and Cyber got over their laughing fit and apologized to Satyr.
Satyr: Apology accepted. Now, Sattar here wants to make amends, and I know the perfect way to do it. And you guys can help.
Gweg: How?
Satyr: It's time to go back home and break out the XBOX.
The four of them got back to the apartment. Satyr got out the XBOX and hooked up online.
Satyr: All right guys, we'll be playing the ever popular Halo 2. I'll make you all apart of my clan and we'll do some clan battles.
Gweg: Why is this game so popular? I mean, it's just a standard FPS. All it has got going for it is the online play and the vehicles.
Satyr: Just because you can't grasp the concept of something much greater than you, doesn't mean you have to try to bring it down.
Sattar: This going to be great! Going into battle with my brother!
Satyr: Nothing brings a family closer together than video games.
Sattar: Amen.
Cyber: Ok guys. Here's the keys to winning a team battle. Good Teamwork, Sound Strategy, and Superb Trash-Talking.
Satyr: Right. I wonder what clan is going to be up to the challenge of taking on us.
Gweg: Well, no challengers yet. I guess they are all cowering in fear.
Satyr: Probably.
Sattar: Ah, spoke to soon. There is a clan now.
Cyber: What clan is it?
Satyr: The Cuckoo Clucks Clan.
Gweg: Oh for Pete's sake.
Satyr: Let's get 'em boys.
The game began. It was a King of the Hill scenario, and Satyr's clan was winning.
CCC Member # 5: *Brawk* You'll never beat us!!!
Cyber: Ha, You guys are a bunch of noobs!
Sattar: Yeah, come at me in the Warthog while I have the Bazooka! HAHA Triple Kill!
Satyr: So long, Chicken McFucknuggets! This Hill is ours!
The game was over. Satyr and his Clan won. During the post game statistics, Satyr. Cyber, and Sattar kept bad-mouthing the Cuckoo Clucks Clan.
CCC Member # 10: *Brawk* There are 20 of us in the Grand CCC Army. We will get you!!!
Satyr: The CCC Army? Who's in charge? Col. Sanders?
Sattar: You the man Virtual Satyr!
Satyr smiled to himself. He had never been this happy before in his life. His brother was treating him as an equal and he was having a good old time with him and his two friends.
Cyber: I need to go rinse out my retainer.
Satyr: All right. This is a good time for a break.
Sattar: Hey brother, can I talk to you for a second?
Satyr: Sure.
Sattar: I know I never said this back home, but I need to say it now. I love you man.
Satyr: I love you to brother.
The hugged one another. But their brotherly embrace was interrupted by the sound of breaking glass.
Satyr: What the hell was that?
Gweg: The window! Someone threw a rock through it!
They all ran to the window and looked out.
Satyr: Holy fucking shit!
Outside stood 20 5-foot tall chickens dressed in white robes and wearing white pointed hoods. But there was one exception, on of the chickens had a red robe and hood. That one was the leader.
CCC Leader: *Brawk*I am the Grand Wizard of the Cuckoo Clucks Clan. Lucky for you, all of the Cuckoo Birds have been killed off, so it is just us chickens left. You have insulted our honor and now you will pay.
Cyber: Damn. I haven't seen this many white robes since that Casper Meets Strom Thurmond Convention in 2003.
Sattar: Shit! They have a sniper, everyone back away from the window!
Satyr, Gweg, and Cyber all got away from the window, but a shot rang out and Sattar let out a yell and tumbled to the floor.
Satyr: Noooooooooo!!!!!
Satyr jumped to the floor next to his brother.
Sattar: I'm glad I got to see you one last time bro.
Satyr: Shh. Just hang on, it'll be all right.
Sattar: I always respected you bro. I love you.
Sattar's body went limp.
Satyr held his brother's body in his arms. After a few moments which seemed like a lifetime to Satyr, he stood up, full of rage.
Satyr: It's payback time.
Satyr led Gweg and Cyber to a closet. Satyr opened it up to reveal a bevy of weapons which looked like the weapons from Halo 2.
Gweg: Where and the hell did those come from.
Satyr: I bought them last month from an illegal arms dealer. Here Gweg, you take the sniper and head out on the roof. Cyber, take the Rocket Launcher and shoot it from the window down into the street. Then take this Needler and meet me at the door. We'll go out there together and kick their asses.
Cyber: What weapon will you use.
Satyr: Me? I got the sword.
Gweg: Why can't I have a normal life?
Satyr: Normal lives are for boring people. All right guys. This is just like the Clan Match we played earlier. Only it's 20 on 3 and this time, it's for real.
Cyber: Let's do this!
Gweg headed for the roof. And Cyber took the Launcher to the window. He shot a rocket out into the street, taking out about ten of the chickens. Gweg had taken out 3 of them when he reached the roof.
Cyber went down to the front door.
Satyr: Ready? On 3. 1...2...3!
They charged out the door, one of the chickens ran right at Satyr. Satyr cut it's head off with the sword, but the decapitated chicken kept running and collided with Satyr, knocking him to the ground.
Satyr picked himself up and the body was still running around. Satyr kicked it and it fell and stopped moving.
Satyr: Damn these chickens! Aim for the heart Cyber!
Cyber: Right!
Satyr, Cyber, and Gweg took them down. There was on chicken left, the Grand Wizard.
The Grand Wizard: *Brawk* You may kill me but rest assured, the Cuckoo Clucks Clan will live forever! My only regret is that I have failed the boss!
Satyr: Shut it chicken, you're about to get fried.
Satyr took his sword and cut the Grand Wizard Chicken in half.
Satyr: I have avenged my brother. Let the corpses of the chickens be a sign that you don't fuck with a satyr!
Cyber: Well, I'm pooped. Let's go back upstairs and get a drink.
Satyr: Sure.
Satyr, Cyber, and Gweg sat down in the kitchen.
Satyr: Here's to Sattar! The best brother a guy could have.
Cyber and Gweg: To Sattar!
Gweg: Speaking of which, where's his body?
Sattar: Right here!
They all stood up and turned around. Sattar was standing in the doorway holding a gun.
Satyr: Brother, what's going on?
Sattar: Don't "Brother" me you stupid piece of shit. This was all of my doing. I came here to make a fake reconciliation, then I hired the CCC to attack us. I faked my own death to make you feel guilty. God, how I wanted you to die with a guilty conscience.
Satyr: But why?
Sattar: because you ruined my life. After you got kicked out of our world, I was no longer known as "The Satyr Who Walks Like A Man" I was "The Trouble Maker's Brother". Even though you were gone, everywhere I went it felt as though you were looming over me.
Satyr: Now you know how I felt all of those years!
Sattar: No! It's nothing like that. I was somebody. I had a reputation. You were a loser. You took everything from me, and now, I will kill you!
Sattar pulled back the hammer of the gun. He was too focused on Satyr, that he didn't notice Cyber throwing his head back and jerking it forward, spitting out a loogie the size of a golf ball.
The loogie hit Sattar right in the eyes causing him to drop his gun and grab at his face.
Sattar: Ah! My eyes!
Satyr leapt forward. Fortunately for him, he still had the energy sword with him. Satyr sliced at his brother cutting from the right should to his midsection, killing him.
The three of them stood around for a while looking at the bloody corpse on the floor. Finally, Satyr spoke.
Satyr: Well, that's enough Halo for tonight. Who wants to play Burnout: Revenge?
The End
Monday, September 12, 2005
Hurricane Satyr
The place is New Orleans. The time is a couple days after Katrina hit the place hard. The man screaming his head off is Gweg.
Gweg: This is all your fault! I told you this was going to happen! Bun Nooooo, you insisted we had to come here for a vacation, well look at us now!!!!
The person Gweg was screaming at, was of course, Virtual Satyr. They were currently floating on an inflatable raft in the heart of New Orleans.
Satyr: It's not my fault. It's those damn "Girls Gone Wild" tapes. I just had to come down here Gweg. I had to see all that action in real life. Why do you think I bought all of these bead necklaces?
Gweg: You fool! It's not even close to Mardi Gras!
Satyr: Every day is Mardi Gras in the Big Easy.
And so they continued to float and argue. At one point, Satyr saw something that interested him.
Satyr: Hey Gweg! There's a girl over there.
Satyr reached down and grabbed a bead necklace.
Satyr: I'm going to throw her some beads so she'll show us her tits.
Gweg: Do you think the fact that she is not moving and she's face down in the water, that she might be dead.
Satyr: Hmmm. Well, then row over there so I can take her shirt off for her.
Gweg: You are a sick bastard.
And then they floated some more. An hour later, they saw some rescue workers and a news crew. They rowed over to them.
Gweg: If they interview us, you let me do the talking.
Satyr: You got it.
The rescue crew checked over Gweg and Satyr to see if they were all right. After they were done, the news crew came up to them.
Reporter: If you don't mind, I would like to ask you a few questions.
Gweg: Sure.
Reporter: Yes, could you tell me what happened?
Satyr: Somebody obviously let their bathtub overflow.
Gweg: Quiet. He meant what happened to us. Well, my friend and I decided to vacation here a couple of weeks back. And, we were just a little to slow to get out in time. Luckily we came across a raft and an oar.
Satyr: Pssst.
Gweg: What?
Satyr: If you don't mind Mr. Reporter, I would like a word with my pal here.
Reporter: Go ahead.
Satyr: You are going to leave out the part where I took that raft from a group of kids right?
Gweg: Uh, yeah. I think it would be best if we didn't mention that.
Satyr: Good.
They turned back to the reporter.
Reporter: Well, I'm sure your family is glad to see you made it out alive. Do you have anything to say to the American citizens?
Gweg: Yes. Please donate what you can to the Red Cross to support the Katrina victims. After seeing firsthand what the damage is here, I can attest to the fact that the residents of New Orleans need all the help they can get.
Reporter: And would you like to add anything sir?
Satyr: Yes. George Bush doesn't care about satyrs.
Reporter: Uhh, that will be all.
The reporter turned away. Satyr could feel Gweg's searing eyes pierce into his flesh.
Satyr: I know you are giving me that look Gweg, what is it?
Gweg: Why on earth did you say that?
Satyr: Well it's true. If Bush did care about satyrs, he would have sent in a helicopter to rescue us.
Gweg: There is a lot more people here that need help more than we do.
Satyr: You'll get no arguments from me there, but that still doesn't change the fact that what I said is true.
Gweg: People are going to hate you for saying that.
Satyr: And they will be labeled racist.
Gweg: Well, once again you have crossed the line, only I will not pull you back this time. You can deal with the backlash from this yourself!
Meanwhile, at the White House.
George Bush: Well, now. What kind of backlash do ya reckon I'm gonna get from this?
Advisor: Severe. I predict another email letter from Michael Moore, several celebrities agreeing with the statement, and probably a couple songs about it too. Not to mention t-shirts and bumper stickers.
George Bush: Crap crap crap! Dear God, tell me what to do!
Donald Rumsfeld: I told you to stop calling me that. You need to stand firm, hold your stance against this satyr, and if he makes another move, declare war on him.
Advisor: I think that would be very unwise. I think you need to show America that you do care about satyrs. Let's give him a lot of money for his hardship in Louisiana and for all of the hardships satyrs have endured.
George Bush: Yeah, it feels good when I do stuff like that. Like filling in a pothole. Let's give him some money. Now, someone please tell me what the hell a satyr is exactly?
One week later, Satyr came home with a big smile on his face. He was wearing a new t-shirt and carrying a briefcase.
Gweg: I can't believe they put what you said onto a t-shirt.
Satyr: Then you are not going to believe this Gweggy-boy.
Satyr laid the briefcase on the coffee table and opened it up. Inside was a lot of money.
Gweg: Where did you get all that?
Satyr: The government gave it to me. All I had to do was retract my statement on TV. You see Gweg, speaking you mind does pay off.
Gweg: There is no justice in this world.
Gweg stared at the floor, but a moment later, he looked up at Satyr with determination in his eyes.
Gweg: Yes, yes there is. That money, you will donate to the Red Cross Katrina Relief Fund.
Satyr: Over my dead fucking body!
Gweg: No, you will give it to them. Or I release the pictures of you and Louie Anderson over the Internet.
Satyr: You wouldn't dare!
Gweg: Oh yes I would.
Satyr: Fine Gweg. Just fine. But, I want to be alone with the money for a little while, just to look at it.
Gweg: There better be the same amount in there when you come out as there is now.
Satyr: Yes Gweg. You'll always get your way.
An hour later, Satyr came out of his room with the briefcase. He opened it up, and showed Gweg that the money was still in there.
Satyr: You take it to the Red Cross though. I don't think I could it myself.
Gweg: I know you couldn't. And don't worry, I planned to do it myself anyway.
Gweg took the briefcase and left.
Four Hours Later.
The TV was on in Gweg & Satyr's Living Room. The Local News was on. Satyr was the only one in the apartment, but he wasn't watching the news. He was talking on the phone.
Anchorman on TV: And tonight's top story. A local man was arrested tonight after he tried to give counterfeit money to the Red Cross. The money was instantly identified by Red Cross workers as counterfeit, because they had a picture of movie director George Lucas on them and the inscription "In Bob Dylan We Trust". The workers immediately called the authorities and the man was arrested within minutes. The police have withheld his name, but they do say, that when the man was apprehended, he kept shouting "Satyr is going to die".
As we all know, this past week, Congress made a law stating a crime against satyrs is a hate crime, so there may be an investigation into whether or not this man has committed said crime.
Satyr (on the phone): You know Gweg, I am honored that you used your one call to call me. If you want to blame me that's fine....no, placing blame is not going to solve anything. Well, I only gave some of it to that church, the rest I kept in my closet. Oh come on, you didn't really think I would give that money away? Fine, fine, I'll pay your bail, but you'll owe me one.....well, you should have taken a closer look at that money. Fine, I'll be there in a few. I want to finish watching this rerun of Desperate Housewives.
The End.
Gweg: This is all your fault! I told you this was going to happen! Bun Nooooo, you insisted we had to come here for a vacation, well look at us now!!!!
The person Gweg was screaming at, was of course, Virtual Satyr. They were currently floating on an inflatable raft in the heart of New Orleans.
Satyr: It's not my fault. It's those damn "Girls Gone Wild" tapes. I just had to come down here Gweg. I had to see all that action in real life. Why do you think I bought all of these bead necklaces?
Gweg: You fool! It's not even close to Mardi Gras!
Satyr: Every day is Mardi Gras in the Big Easy.
And so they continued to float and argue. At one point, Satyr saw something that interested him.
Satyr: Hey Gweg! There's a girl over there.
Satyr reached down and grabbed a bead necklace.
Satyr: I'm going to throw her some beads so she'll show us her tits.
Gweg: Do you think the fact that she is not moving and she's face down in the water, that she might be dead.
Satyr: Hmmm. Well, then row over there so I can take her shirt off for her.
Gweg: You are a sick bastard.
And then they floated some more. An hour later, they saw some rescue workers and a news crew. They rowed over to them.
Gweg: If they interview us, you let me do the talking.
Satyr: You got it.
The rescue crew checked over Gweg and Satyr to see if they were all right. After they were done, the news crew came up to them.
Reporter: If you don't mind, I would like to ask you a few questions.
Gweg: Sure.
Reporter: Yes, could you tell me what happened?
Satyr: Somebody obviously let their bathtub overflow.
Gweg: Quiet. He meant what happened to us. Well, my friend and I decided to vacation here a couple of weeks back. And, we were just a little to slow to get out in time. Luckily we came across a raft and an oar.
Satyr: Pssst.
Gweg: What?
Satyr: If you don't mind Mr. Reporter, I would like a word with my pal here.
Reporter: Go ahead.
Satyr: You are going to leave out the part where I took that raft from a group of kids right?
Gweg: Uh, yeah. I think it would be best if we didn't mention that.
Satyr: Good.
They turned back to the reporter.
Reporter: Well, I'm sure your family is glad to see you made it out alive. Do you have anything to say to the American citizens?
Gweg: Yes. Please donate what you can to the Red Cross to support the Katrina victims. After seeing firsthand what the damage is here, I can attest to the fact that the residents of New Orleans need all the help they can get.
Reporter: And would you like to add anything sir?
Satyr: Yes. George Bush doesn't care about satyrs.
Reporter: Uhh, that will be all.
The reporter turned away. Satyr could feel Gweg's searing eyes pierce into his flesh.
Satyr: I know you are giving me that look Gweg, what is it?
Gweg: Why on earth did you say that?
Satyr: Well it's true. If Bush did care about satyrs, he would have sent in a helicopter to rescue us.
Gweg: There is a lot more people here that need help more than we do.
Satyr: You'll get no arguments from me there, but that still doesn't change the fact that what I said is true.
Gweg: People are going to hate you for saying that.
Satyr: And they will be labeled racist.
Gweg: Well, once again you have crossed the line, only I will not pull you back this time. You can deal with the backlash from this yourself!
Meanwhile, at the White House.
George Bush: Well, now. What kind of backlash do ya reckon I'm gonna get from this?
Advisor: Severe. I predict another email letter from Michael Moore, several celebrities agreeing with the statement, and probably a couple songs about it too. Not to mention t-shirts and bumper stickers.
George Bush: Crap crap crap! Dear God, tell me what to do!
Donald Rumsfeld: I told you to stop calling me that. You need to stand firm, hold your stance against this satyr, and if he makes another move, declare war on him.
Advisor: I think that would be very unwise. I think you need to show America that you do care about satyrs. Let's give him a lot of money for his hardship in Louisiana and for all of the hardships satyrs have endured.
George Bush: Yeah, it feels good when I do stuff like that. Like filling in a pothole. Let's give him some money. Now, someone please tell me what the hell a satyr is exactly?
One week later, Satyr came home with a big smile on his face. He was wearing a new t-shirt and carrying a briefcase.
Gweg: I can't believe they put what you said onto a t-shirt.
Satyr: Then you are not going to believe this Gweggy-boy.
Satyr laid the briefcase on the coffee table and opened it up. Inside was a lot of money.
Gweg: Where did you get all that?
Satyr: The government gave it to me. All I had to do was retract my statement on TV. You see Gweg, speaking you mind does pay off.
Gweg: There is no justice in this world.
Gweg stared at the floor, but a moment later, he looked up at Satyr with determination in his eyes.
Gweg: Yes, yes there is. That money, you will donate to the Red Cross Katrina Relief Fund.
Satyr: Over my dead fucking body!
Gweg: No, you will give it to them. Or I release the pictures of you and Louie Anderson over the Internet.
Satyr: You wouldn't dare!
Gweg: Oh yes I would.
Satyr: Fine Gweg. Just fine. But, I want to be alone with the money for a little while, just to look at it.
Gweg: There better be the same amount in there when you come out as there is now.
Satyr: Yes Gweg. You'll always get your way.
An hour later, Satyr came out of his room with the briefcase. He opened it up, and showed Gweg that the money was still in there.
Satyr: You take it to the Red Cross though. I don't think I could it myself.
Gweg: I know you couldn't. And don't worry, I planned to do it myself anyway.
Gweg took the briefcase and left.
Four Hours Later.
The TV was on in Gweg & Satyr's Living Room. The Local News was on. Satyr was the only one in the apartment, but he wasn't watching the news. He was talking on the phone.
Anchorman on TV: And tonight's top story. A local man was arrested tonight after he tried to give counterfeit money to the Red Cross. The money was instantly identified by Red Cross workers as counterfeit, because they had a picture of movie director George Lucas on them and the inscription "In Bob Dylan We Trust". The workers immediately called the authorities and the man was arrested within minutes. The police have withheld his name, but they do say, that when the man was apprehended, he kept shouting "Satyr is going to die".
As we all know, this past week, Congress made a law stating a crime against satyrs is a hate crime, so there may be an investigation into whether or not this man has committed said crime.
Satyr (on the phone): You know Gweg, I am honored that you used your one call to call me. If you want to blame me that's fine....no, placing blame is not going to solve anything. Well, I only gave some of it to that church, the rest I kept in my closet. Oh come on, you didn't really think I would give that money away? Fine, fine, I'll pay your bail, but you'll owe me one.....well, you should have taken a closer look at that money. Fine, I'll be there in a few. I want to finish watching this rerun of Desperate Housewives.
The End.
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