Gweg was sitting on the couch reading Stephen King's The Dark Tower VII, when the Satyr had come back home from the video rental place.
The Satyr was empty handed.
Gweg: I thought you were renting videos.
Satyr: I was, but then I had this brilliant idea.
Gweg: Oh, I can't wait to hear this one.
Satyr ignored him, went over to their DVD collection and started pulling a few out.
Satyr: You see these, these all have "secret endings". Take The Usual Suspects for example, "Verbal" Kint turns out to be covering for Keaton by making up some story about some mysterious bad guy named Keyser Soze.
Gweg: You idiot, "Verbal" Kint was Keyser Soze.
Satyr: Really?
Gweg: Yes, really.
Satyr: Huh, I'm going to have to watch it again. Anyway, I was thinking, we should make a website that has all of the endings to the movies, we could charge a fortune.
Gweg: There are already sites like that and they don't charge a thing.
Satyr: Are you sure?
Gweg: Yes, there is http://www.moviepooper.com and http://www.themoviespoiler.com.
Satyr: Yeah well, be that as it may, we will put down more than just the ending, we will put down our detailed dissection of the ending, it's significance on the movie and of life itself. we will put down exactly what the director wanted us to get from this ending and people will pay for our expertise.
Gweg: First of all: no, they won't. Second of all: you are still trying to figure out the ending to No Way Out.
At hearing this, the Satyr sat down and once again pondered the ending to that movie for an hour. After deciding once again it was a lost cause, the Satyr tried to convince Gweg to go with his idea.
Satyr: Ok, listen. This is my idea on what we would do with, oh let's say, The Passion of the Christ.
Gweg: I don't want to hear this.
Satyr: Bare with me, I watched this movie and I also read the book. I can put down a very detailed report on the ending.
Gweg: Most people know how it ended without even seeing it.
Satyr: That's not the point, you see. The point is, they don't understand it.
Gweg: And you do?
Satyr: That's correct.
Gweg: Enlighten me.
Satyr: After carefull study, I have come up with the only possible meaning to the ending: Jesus was a zombie.
Gweg: Oh my god.
Satyr: Think about it, what kind of creature can rise from the dead? A zombie, that's the only answer.
Gweg: So, according to you, millions of people are worshipping a zombie.
Satyr: Of course not. They are worshipping a figment of their imagination.
And that is our lesson for today kids: Christians are a weird bunch.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
1-900-Satyr
Satyr: "Ha Ha! Gweg! I got it figured out!"
The Satyr was excited about something and Gweg could hardly wait to find out what it was. Actually, Gweg couldn't wait to watch the Satyr fail at whatever he was doing this time.
Gweg: "What is it?"
Satyr: "You know how all of these women keep telling me I have a sexy voice?"
Gweg: "Uh...no."
Satyr: "Well they do. It has been mentioned many times. So I thought to myself, 'Hmmm, what would be the best way to benefit from such a great gift?' And like that, poof!, the answer came to me."
Gweg: "I am going to regret asking this, but what?"
Satyr: "I am going to create my own 900 number."
Gweg: "Yep, I can see this working."
And so it came to pass, the Virtual Satyr came up with his own phone sex hotline: 1-900-SEXY-SATYR.
Satyr: "All right. Everything is in place. Soon, I will be talking to hundreds of lonesome ladies out there, all in need of some Satyr Spice in their life."
Gweg just shook his head.
After a few hours, the first call came in.
Satyr: "Hello. This is the Satyr speaking. I am ready to please you. Why don't you tell me your name.
Caller with a deep female voice: "My name is Martha."
Satyr: "Martha, what a sexy name. Tell me Martha. What would you like me to do for you?"
Martha: "First you can start by cleaning this damn floor."
Satyr: "Uh ok. Would you like me to do this in the nude?"
Martha: "I don't care if you do it wearing a tank top and bell bottoms, that fucking floor better be clean."
Satyr: "But Martha, there is so much more I can do for you."
Martha: "I hear a lot of talking, when I should be hearing a lot vacuuming."
Satyr: "Ok. I'll vacuum. Uh..vroom vroom vroom...you know Martha, there is a lot of nifty things I could be doing with this vacuum cleaner."
Martha: "The only thing you had better be doing with it is cleaning the goddamn floor, bitch."
Satyr: "Oh that's it."
Satyr hanged up the phone. He looked at Gweg. Gweg was laughing.
Satyr: "Ok. So the first one was a freak. You'll get that from time to time in this business. But, it doesn't matter. The next call will be some poor undersexed chick, and I'll be so good, she won't be able to get enough.
Gweg: "Whatever you say, Romeo"
Satyr gave Gweg an angry look. Soon after that the phone rang again.
Satyr: "Hello. This is the Satyr at your service. What can I do for you, sexy lady?"
Caller with a high pitched male voice: "Well oh so sexy Satyr let me tell you this; it's not what you can do for me, it's what I can do to you."
Satyr immediately hanged up the phone. He looked over at Gweg, who was rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off.
Satyr: "Oh, you think it's funny, huh? Well then Gweg, why don't you give it a shot then. Let's see how well that squeaky voice of yours does on the phone. We'll get a lot of money from the next caller, because they wont be able to hang up the phone from laughing to hard."
Gweg: "You're on."
The phone rang and Gweg picked it up.
Gweg: "Hello. My name is Gweg. Let's talk, about anything you'd like."
Caller with a throaty, sultry, sexy voice: "Hello Gweg. You have an interesting voice for a 900 phone sex guy. You sound like a person I could talk all night to."
Gweg put his hand over the phone and looked at the Satyr.
Gweg: "I'd better take this to the other room."
Gweg got up and went to the other room. As Gweg was leaving, Satyr could hear him say, "Wow. It must be really cold where you are at."
The Satyr watched Gweg leave with a disgusted look on his face. "That damn bastard" he grumbled. All of the sudden there was a fierce pounding on the front door.
Satyr: "Yeah! Just a second! I'll be right there."
Satyr got up and went to the door. When he opened it, he saw a very tall, very big woman standing there. The Satyr knew who it was, even before she spoke.
Woman at the door: "Guess what, bitch. My windows need washing too."
The Satyr was excited about something and Gweg could hardly wait to find out what it was. Actually, Gweg couldn't wait to watch the Satyr fail at whatever he was doing this time.
Gweg: "What is it?"
Satyr: "You know how all of these women keep telling me I have a sexy voice?"
Gweg: "Uh...no."
Satyr: "Well they do. It has been mentioned many times. So I thought to myself, 'Hmmm, what would be the best way to benefit from such a great gift?' And like that, poof!, the answer came to me."
Gweg: "I am going to regret asking this, but what?"
Satyr: "I am going to create my own 900 number."
Gweg: "Yep, I can see this working."
And so it came to pass, the Virtual Satyr came up with his own phone sex hotline: 1-900-SEXY-SATYR.
Satyr: "All right. Everything is in place. Soon, I will be talking to hundreds of lonesome ladies out there, all in need of some Satyr Spice in their life."
Gweg just shook his head.
After a few hours, the first call came in.
Satyr: "Hello. This is the Satyr speaking. I am ready to please you. Why don't you tell me your name.
Caller with a deep female voice: "My name is Martha."
Satyr: "Martha, what a sexy name. Tell me Martha. What would you like me to do for you?"
Martha: "First you can start by cleaning this damn floor."
Satyr: "Uh ok. Would you like me to do this in the nude?"
Martha: "I don't care if you do it wearing a tank top and bell bottoms, that fucking floor better be clean."
Satyr: "But Martha, there is so much more I can do for you."
Martha: "I hear a lot of talking, when I should be hearing a lot vacuuming."
Satyr: "Ok. I'll vacuum. Uh..vroom vroom vroom...you know Martha, there is a lot of nifty things I could be doing with this vacuum cleaner."
Martha: "The only thing you had better be doing with it is cleaning the goddamn floor, bitch."
Satyr: "Oh that's it."
Satyr hanged up the phone. He looked at Gweg. Gweg was laughing.
Satyr: "Ok. So the first one was a freak. You'll get that from time to time in this business. But, it doesn't matter. The next call will be some poor undersexed chick, and I'll be so good, she won't be able to get enough.
Gweg: "Whatever you say, Romeo"
Satyr gave Gweg an angry look. Soon after that the phone rang again.
Satyr: "Hello. This is the Satyr at your service. What can I do for you, sexy lady?"
Caller with a high pitched male voice: "Well oh so sexy Satyr let me tell you this; it's not what you can do for me, it's what I can do to you."
Satyr immediately hanged up the phone. He looked over at Gweg, who was rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off.
Satyr: "Oh, you think it's funny, huh? Well then Gweg, why don't you give it a shot then. Let's see how well that squeaky voice of yours does on the phone. We'll get a lot of money from the next caller, because they wont be able to hang up the phone from laughing to hard."
Gweg: "You're on."
The phone rang and Gweg picked it up.
Gweg: "Hello. My name is Gweg. Let's talk, about anything you'd like."
Caller with a throaty, sultry, sexy voice: "Hello Gweg. You have an interesting voice for a 900 phone sex guy. You sound like a person I could talk all night to."
Gweg put his hand over the phone and looked at the Satyr.
Gweg: "I'd better take this to the other room."
Gweg got up and went to the other room. As Gweg was leaving, Satyr could hear him say, "Wow. It must be really cold where you are at."
The Satyr watched Gweg leave with a disgusted look on his face. "That damn bastard" he grumbled. All of the sudden there was a fierce pounding on the front door.
Satyr: "Yeah! Just a second! I'll be right there."
Satyr got up and went to the door. When he opened it, he saw a very tall, very big woman standing there. The Satyr knew who it was, even before she spoke.
Woman at the door: "Guess what, bitch. My windows need washing too."
Friday, May 07, 2004
Counterfeit Money
"What are you doing?"
"I am making counterfeit money."
Gweg did not like this idea. Gweg didn't like anything about the situation he was in for that matter. For eternity, Gweg was damned, traveling to dimension to dimension, always being killed off by a great being known only as the "Richard". For some odd reason, the current Earth dimension he was in did not have the "Richard".
Instead, it had this chaos causing, trouble making creature. He called himself the Virtual Satyr.
Gweg asked, "Isn't counterfeiting illegal?"
The Satyr said, "Of course not Gweg. In fact the government encourages people to make their own money, because it helps them out, that means less money for them to make."
Gweg said, "I don't know. It still sounds fishy."
The Satyr said, "Think about it this way Gweg; we are getting paid to print money. The money we are getting paid with, is the money we print. We are simply cutting out the middle man."
Gweg said, "I guess that makes sense."
"Of course it does, because I thought of it. Everything I do has a reason and it is always right. Don't worry Gweg, you are in good hands."
Gweg took a look at one of the bills. Gweg could instantly tell it was fake. Gweg asked the Satyr,
"Why does it say 'In Bob Dylan We Trust'."
The Satyr said, "Because 'In God We Trust' caused to much controversy. Therefore, I changed that little slogan, and I picked a suitable replacement, somebody all Americans could get behind, and that man is Bob Dylan."
Gweg said, "Why couldn't you put something like, 'Our Leaders', or 'Our Founding Fathers', or 'A Higher Power'".
The Satyr said, "These people that you mention, yes I know them, they are quite lame."
So Gweg and The Satyr went out to spend their fake money. Their first stop was at at the drive-up hot dog stand.
The Satyr ordered some food.
"Yeah, I'll take 50 cheese dogs, 5 orders of fries, and two giant jugs of root beer."
The chick who took their order started to walk away, but then the Satyr remembered something.
"Hey wait, I forgot something."
The chick walked back to the car.
"Hey Gweg, what do you want to eat?"
It was an hour later until all of their food was made, when the Satyr paid the chick, she could tell the money was fake.
"Excuse me sir, but I'm pretty sure that this fat guy with a beard is not supposed to be on a twenty."
The Satyr said, "That's George Lucas for your information."
The chick said, "Well whoever he is, he's not on real twenties. And who the hell is Bob Dylan anyway?"
The Satyr said, "Well, if you are going to put up such a fuss, I'm not going to leave you a tip."
The chick said, "whateva." and left with all of the food.
Gweg said, "I told you it wasn't going to work."
The Satyr said, "Don't worry, I have a plan, we'll get some use out of this money."
Sunday. Church.
The preacher was given the collection plate, and he shouted "Hallelujah!" as soon as he saw it. The plate was filled the most money he has ever seen.
The preacher said, "I would like to thank God for sending such generous souls to this church." The preacher picked up one of the bills. "You see this bretheren, this is a sign that God watches out for his own..." The preacher then had a stumped look on his face.
"Who the hell is Bob Dylan?"
"I am making counterfeit money."
Gweg did not like this idea. Gweg didn't like anything about the situation he was in for that matter. For eternity, Gweg was damned, traveling to dimension to dimension, always being killed off by a great being known only as the "Richard". For some odd reason, the current Earth dimension he was in did not have the "Richard".
Instead, it had this chaos causing, trouble making creature. He called himself the Virtual Satyr.
Gweg asked, "Isn't counterfeiting illegal?"
The Satyr said, "Of course not Gweg. In fact the government encourages people to make their own money, because it helps them out, that means less money for them to make."
Gweg said, "I don't know. It still sounds fishy."
The Satyr said, "Think about it this way Gweg; we are getting paid to print money. The money we are getting paid with, is the money we print. We are simply cutting out the middle man."
Gweg said, "I guess that makes sense."
"Of course it does, because I thought of it. Everything I do has a reason and it is always right. Don't worry Gweg, you are in good hands."
Gweg took a look at one of the bills. Gweg could instantly tell it was fake. Gweg asked the Satyr,
"Why does it say 'In Bob Dylan We Trust'."
The Satyr said, "Because 'In God We Trust' caused to much controversy. Therefore, I changed that little slogan, and I picked a suitable replacement, somebody all Americans could get behind, and that man is Bob Dylan."
Gweg said, "Why couldn't you put something like, 'Our Leaders', or 'Our Founding Fathers', or 'A Higher Power'".
The Satyr said, "These people that you mention, yes I know them, they are quite lame."
So Gweg and The Satyr went out to spend their fake money. Their first stop was at at the drive-up hot dog stand.
The Satyr ordered some food.
"Yeah, I'll take 50 cheese dogs, 5 orders of fries, and two giant jugs of root beer."
The chick who took their order started to walk away, but then the Satyr remembered something.
"Hey wait, I forgot something."
The chick walked back to the car.
"Hey Gweg, what do you want to eat?"
It was an hour later until all of their food was made, when the Satyr paid the chick, she could tell the money was fake.
"Excuse me sir, but I'm pretty sure that this fat guy with a beard is not supposed to be on a twenty."
The Satyr said, "That's George Lucas for your information."
The chick said, "Well whoever he is, he's not on real twenties. And who the hell is Bob Dylan anyway?"
The Satyr said, "Well, if you are going to put up such a fuss, I'm not going to leave you a tip."
The chick said, "whateva." and left with all of the food.
Gweg said, "I told you it wasn't going to work."
The Satyr said, "Don't worry, I have a plan, we'll get some use out of this money."
Sunday. Church.
The preacher was given the collection plate, and he shouted "Hallelujah!" as soon as he saw it. The plate was filled the most money he has ever seen.
The preacher said, "I would like to thank God for sending such generous souls to this church." The preacher picked up one of the bills. "You see this bretheren, this is a sign that God watches out for his own..." The preacher then had a stumped look on his face.
"Who the hell is Bob Dylan?"
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