9/11: The Musical!

Gweg looked at the credit card in his hand and wondered why the world was against him.

Gweg: Can we try it again?

Gweg was at a pharmacy. He needed to restock on Excedrin. Living with Satyr resulted in a daily headache. The cashier was a nice old lady with a lot of patience, Gweg was happy to note. This would be his fifth attempt at getting the card to go through.

Gweg: I don't know what the problem is. I never use this card.

Cashier: Do you have any cash?

Gweg: Afraid not.

He ran it through the slot. The card was declined again.

Gweg: I'm sorry. I'll put it all back.

Cashier: It's ok. I'll get one of the stock boys to get it, that's what they are paid for.

Gweg looked at the card again.

Gweg: Guess I'll go home and give the credit card company a call and see what's up.

Cashier: Hope everything works out for you. Have a nice day.

Gweg went to his car and wondered why people couldn't be as nice as her all the time.



Satyr: I don't give a rat's tit, you dumb shit. I want that stuff there tomorrow! It's very important. If it's not there, it'll be your ass. Now that you can god damn guarantee.

Satyr had just got done talking to a delivery service that guaranteed overnight delivery. They called him, explaing they had an issue with one of the packages. Satyr was not pleased, but he wasn't going to let it deter him.

He picked up the phone again and dialed out.

Satyr: Hello. It's Satyr. Yes indeed. I'll be there in an hour. Yes, I'm excited too. We'll be the talk of the nation. Yes. See you soon.

He got off the phone and heard the door opening. Gweg walked in.

Gweg: You need the phone? I need to call the credit card company

Satyr: Don't bother, I maxed it out.

Gweg: You what!?!

Satyr: Before you get your panties in a bunch, just listen. In one hour, I'll be starting a project that will gain national attention. It's going to be huge! Unfortunately, the people I'm going to be working with were not able to procure some of the funds we needed. So, I used your card to make up for it.

Gweg: I want that money back now. Not tomorrow, now.

Satyr: Think of it as an investment. When this takes off, you will get your money back, tenfold. I promise.

Gweg: Your promises mean nothing.

Satyr: How about some collateral then?

Gweg: Like what?

Satyr: My used condom autographed by Amy Winehouse.

Gweg: That's disgusting. I wouldn't want... Wait, how did she autograph it?

Satyr: Magic Marker. We did let it dry off first.

Gweg: It's still sick.

Satyr: Whatever. It's still going to be worth money. Even more now that she's dead.

Gweg: Fine. So, what the hell is this project anyway?

Satyr: You know the TV show Glee?

Gweg: Yes, I think it's a terrific show.

Satyr: I never watched it. But, I do know it's about a bunch of nerds and gays singing popular songs. Now, we need to capitalize on this phenomenon. What I'm going to do is produce an actual school musical production. One that is going to be groundbreaking.

Gweg: What's it going to be about?

Satyr: Are you ready for this?

Gweg: No.

Satyr: 9/11: The Musical!

Gweg: Oh my god.

Almost an hour later, Satyr and Gweg arrived at the school.

Gweg: This is an Elementary School.

Satyr: Thank you Captain Obvious.

Gweg: I figured we'd be doing this at a high school.

Satyr: The other shows do it at high schools. It's become too standard. We need younger talent. Now, I held the auditions earlier this week and I was quite impressed.

Gweg: I've seen you do some deplorable things, but this just might take the cake.

Satyr: I don't know how you can judge me before you've even seen the thing.

Gweg: You're right. It's probably going to be worse.

Satyr: You just wait. It'll be epic.

They made their way inside.

The Principal greeted them.

Principal: Mr. Satyr, welcome! The children are in the auditorium ready to begin.

Satyr: Excellent! They have been practicing their lines, I hope. And they know the songs?

Principal: Absolutely. We have suspended their studies and have used the past two days to go over the script.

Satyr: I'm am very pleased at your dedication. Some very terrible and uninspired people don't feel this project is succeed. Speaking of which, this is Gweg, my producer.

Principal: Pleased to meet you. I say nay to the naysayers, once the video of the performance gets out to the world, there will be no denying its greatness.

Satyr: I love your enthusiasm. Let's get to work, shall we?


They went into the auditorium. Gweg saw at least 60 kids on the stage. They looked to be 4th, 5th, and 6th graders.

Gweg: Some of these kids were just born when 9/11 happened.

Satyr: So, you don't think it's important to teach kids about this tragedy?

Gweg: That's not what I said at all. It's just that I feel they may be too young to handle the subject matter.

Satyr: Kids can handle quite a bit. Just ask your Uncle Bob.

Gweg was about to respond to that, but he was caught off guard when Satyr suddenly yelled into a horn loudspeaker.

Satyr: ALL RIGHT KIDS! I NEED YOU TO GROUP UP! AIRPLANE PASSENGERS TO THE LEFT! TERRORISTS RIGHT NEXT TO THEM! TWIN TOWER VICTIMS IN THE MIDDLE! FIREFIGHTERS TO THE RIGHT! NY CITIZENS IN THE BACK!

Gweg: Do you really need that loudspeaker.

Satyr: I need them to hear me Gweg.

Gweg: I don't think that will be a problem with the acoustics in here. You damn near made me go deaf shouting through that thing.

Satyr lifted the speaker to his mouth and aimed it right at Gweg.

Satyr: FINE! WE'LL DO IT YOUR WAY!

Gweg gave him a sour look.

Satyr walked over to a group of kids sitting in the auditorium seats.

Satyr: You kids the stand ins?

They nodded.

Satyr: Some of the props aren't here yet and they may take a few days to get here. I need a couple of you to be the Twin Towers and 3 of you to be airplanes. All the towers need to do is stand there until on of the planes hits you. Then you'll hold up a piece of poster board that has the drawing of an explosion on it.

Gweg: You can't be serious?

Satyr: Why can't I?

Gweg: This is just too much.

Satyr: It's only temporary till the props get here.

He turned back to the kids.

Satyr: Also, when I cue you, you'll collapse to the floor. Got it? And the planes, well, I'm sure you've pretended to be planes before. Just hold your arms out and makes engine noises. You two will crash into the towers and you will be Flight 93, you'll just fall to the ground. Actually, we may need a fourth plane, just in case I decide to go with the "Flight 93 was shot down" angle.

Gweg rolled his eyes.

Gweg: What about the plane that crashed into the Pentagon?

Satyr: Nobody cares about the damn Pentagon. Besides, there clearly wasn't a plane there.

Gweg: Please don't get started with your conspiracy theories.

Satyr: No time for that Gweg. Let's get this show on the road.

Satyr hopped onto the stage.

Satyr: Ok kids! I am proud to have you in my production of "Ruby Tuesday: The Day That Changed The World For A Couple Of Weeks Until People Stopped Caring About It All Together And Got On With Their Pathetic Lives."

The Principal raised her hand.

Principal: Mr. Satyr, I don't want to question your creativity, but do you think we can shorten that title? It'll be easier to put on the marquee.

Satyr sighed.

Satyr: I knew I'd have to sacrifice something. So be it. "Ruby Tuesday: The Day That Changed The World." Now, let's clear the stage and only have the little terrorists left up here. We'll start from the top.

The kids rehearsed over the next dew days. Satyr was quite pleased with their performance. He knew he was going to bring the house down.

And not in an Indiana State Fair kind of a way.


OPENING NIGHT

Satyr rubbed his hands together.

Satyr: This is it Gweg. Tonight is the night. I'm sweating. I need to relax. Ok. The cameras are set up. We are going to hit Broadway with this. Then the world! It must be such an honor to be able to ride my wave of triumph.

Gweg: Oh it sure is.

Satyr: Since you helped pay for this endeavor, I'll ignore the sarcasm.

Satyr walked onto the stage. The curtain was down. He could hear a crowd gathering. He had to take a peek.

Satyr: Looks like we're going to have a full house.

A man walked onto the stage.

The Man: Are you the director?

Satyr: Yes I am. Please sir, we need to have you off the stage so we can prepare the show.

The Man: I'm a father of one of the kids in this play. I'm just here to express some of the concerns I and some of the other folks have.

Satyr: Such as?

The Man: I wasn't to keen on having my kid in a musical about 9/11, but the Principal said it was tasteful and beautifully done. "A tremendous tribute to the lives lost of that fateful day" is what she said. Is she right? You're not going to let us down?

Satyr put his arm around the man's shoulder.

Satyr: Listen buddy, there is no way I would dishonor the victims and their families. And no way I would involve kids in such a sacrilege. You have my word, this musical will touch your very heartstrings and make you proud to be an American.

The man smiled and shook Satyr's hand. He left the stage.

Gweg: Proud to be an American eh?

Satyr pointed his finger and Gweg and gave him the look. The look that said, "Don't even bother."

A stagehand came out and spoke with Satyr. Satyr listened and nodded and went back to Gweg.

Satyr: Alrighty. The crowd is seated and the stage is set up for the opening scene. You go have a seat over there and watch the master at work. Curtains up!

The lights dimmed and the curtain opened. A spotlight shown on Satyr. He spoke to the audience.

Satyr: Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome! Pilgrim Elementary presents a Satyr Production of "Ruby Tuesday: The Day That Changed The World-A Musical Based On The Events of 9/11." There will be 9 acts. We will see terrorists gather and plot. We will see New Yorkers reacting to the chaos around them. We will see the heroic efforts of the passengers of United 93. We will see bravery, sadness, evil, but above all else, we will see true patriotism and what it means to be an American. So, let us please take a moment of silence for the lives lost on that fateful day.

The audience bowed their heads.

Satyr: We begin in an airport parking lot. We will see terrorists as they make the final preparations on their deplorable attack. Enjoy the show.

The spotlight went out and Satyr left the stage. The stage lights came on to reveal several children dressed in traditional Muslim garb.

Muhammad: Muhammad!

Muhammad: Yes Muhammad?

Muhammad: Today is a glorious day! Allah be praised!

Muhammad: Indeed. The infidels will not know what hit them. Are you ready Muhammad?

Muhammad: Yes! The Jihad begins today. Down with the America Pigs!

Muhammads: PRAISE ALLAH!

Muhammad: We will hit New York hard. Those symbols of Western Greed will fall.

The music for "New York, New York" by Frank Sinatra started playing. The Muslim Terrorists all donned top hats and brought out canes. They formed a line and started dancing and singing.

Muhammad: Start spreading the news!

Muhammad: We're leaving today!

Muhammad: We're going to be a part of it...

Muhammads: New York, New York!

Muhammad: We'll turn the planes on the loose!

Muhammad: We'll fly all the way!

Muhammad: Right through the very heart of it!

Muhammads: New York, New York!

Muhammad: Those Christians and Jews!

Muhammad: They'll be melting away!

Muhammad: We'll make a brand new start of it!

Muhammads: In! Old! New! York!

The music trailed off, the lights dimmed, and the curtains closed.

Satyr smiled and stepped onto the stage.

Satyr: Act 2! Now we'll see life on the streets of New York, before tragedy arrives. We will meet our hero, Ashton Cinder and the love of his life, Ruby Tuesday. We'll also see various New Yorkers as they start their day.

The stage lit up to reveal a New York City backdrop, with the Twin Towers in the foreground.

7 kids entered the stage. They were all playing various citizens.

Citizen 1: Good morning!

Citizen 2: Screw you!

Citizen 1: Same to you jerk!

Citizen 3: Ugh, I hate this city. I wish somebody would drop a bomb right on top of it.

Citizen 4: I know what you mean. Somebody needs to take a big chunk out of the Big Apple.

A girl and boy ran onto the stage.

The Girl: Oh Ashton, it is such a beautiful morning!

Ashton: Yes it is Ruby!

Ruby: I can't believe we are going to be married next week!

Ashton: I can't wait, we should get married now!

Ruby: We can't! You know your parents are flying from Boston to LA today to meet my parents. They'll all be here next week. It'll be wonderful!

Ashton: It is. I just hope there are no fires that day.

Ruby: Oh no Mister Fireman! There will be no firefighting that day. The only suit you're putting is your tuxedo.

Ashton: You're the boss. So, are you nervous about your first day of work?

Ruby: The World Trade Center. I finally get to work in it. I've been in love with those building since I first saw them. They are majestic.

Ashton: You know how I know they are tall enough to reach Heaven?

Ruby: How?

Ashton: Because today there is going to be an angel inside of them.

Ruby hugged and kissed him

Ruby: Maybe I shouldn't start work today?

Ashton: Why?

Ruby started to twirl around. The music to "It's a Beautiful Morning" by The Rascals began playing.

Ruby: It's a beautiful morning! Ahhh I think I'll stay outside for a while! And just smile! Just take in some clean fresh air, boy! Ain't no sense staying inside! If the weather's fine and you've got the time!

Ruby and Ashton: It's your chance to wake up and plan another brand new day! Either way! It's a beautiful morning!

The music ended.

Ashton: I wish we could, but we both have work to do.

Ruby: I know. I'll see you later baby. I love you.

Ashton: I love you too.

They kiss and walk away from each other. The curtain closes.

Satyr stepped out into the spotlight.

Satyr: Act 3! We will visit an office inside the North Tower. We will be with them as doom approaches.

The curtain lifted and the lights went on to reveal an office setting. 5 kids were on the stage.

Worker 1: Where's Sam at?

Worker 2: Sam called off. He's probably out with you know who.

Worker 1 laughed. Worker 3 stood up from his desk, holding a phone.

Worker 3: Hey guys! I'm going to go ahead and order lunch. It's pizza today! What do y'all want?

The workers shouted out their orders.

Worker 3: Ok, we'll need one small pepperoni, one medium meat lovers, and one large plain. Okay, thank you.

He hung the phone up.

Worker 3: It'll be here soon guys.

Worker 3 went to the window.

Worker 3: Damn, they're fast.

Worker 1 went to the window

Worker 1: I knew I should have got some toppings.

Worker 4: What is it guys?

The music to "Jet Airliner" by The Steve Miller Band started playing.

Worker 3: Goodbye to all my friends at home.

Worker 1: Goodbye to all the people I trusted.

Worker 3: We got top get out and make our way!

Worker 1: We won't get free we're going to get busted!

Worker 3: My heart keeps beating faster as I see that 767.

Worker 1: It's riding high and I got tears in my eyes.

Worker 3: You we'll be going through Hell before we get to Heaven.

All the Workers: Ohhhh Big Ol' Jet Airliner, Don't carry us too far away. ohhh Big Ol' Jet Airliner, cause it's here to blow us away!

The music faded and the curtain closed. As it did, an explosion was heard through the speakers.

Satyr stepped into the spotlight.

Satyr: Act 4! We will now see reactions throughout New York.

The curtain raised. On the stage was a mockup of a fire station. We see Ashton looking at a picture of Ruby.

Ashton: Next week, the love of my life will be my wife. Good times Frank.

Frank: It's going to be a beautiful wedding. Thanks for making me your best man.

Ashton: That's because you are my best man. The best friend I ever had.

The alarm went off. The Chief ran in.

The Chief: Boys, we've got a serious problem. A plane crashed into the North World Trade Tower.

Frank: Oh no! Ruby started work there today, didn't she?

Ashton grinned at his friends concern.

Ashton: Don't worry pal. She's in the South Tower. She'll be fine. I imagine she scared out of wits right now, but I'll deal with that later. Come on, we got work to do!

Ashton put on his gear and the curtain closed. 2 minutes later, it opened to reveal a bedroom setting. A boy and a girl were laying in bed.

The Girl: Oh Sam, I'm glad you took off work to visit me.

Sam: Anytime baby. I get away from work, get away from the wife and get to spend time with my favorite girl.

The girl giggled.

A phone started to ring.

Sam: Oh, that's my cell. Ugh, it's the wife. Let's see what she wants. Hey honey, what's up? Yeah, of course I'm fine. Why do you sound panicked. Yes, of course I'm at work, where else would I be. Helen, I'm working hard today, aren't I?

Sam winked at the girl. She took the phone.

Helen: Yes, he's been hard at it today.

She handed it back to Sam.

Sam: That was just the secretary. See, nothing to worry about. So, why are you so upset?

Sam listened, frowned and put the phone down. He then picked up a TV controller.

Over the speakers, we hear a news reporter talking about the plain hitting the North Tower.

Sam: Oh crap.

The curtain closed. 2 minutes later, it opened to reveal a New York street. The backdrop now featured a burning hole in the North Tower.

The music to "New York Minute" by Don Henley started playing.

Citizen 1: There was a plane. It hit the tower.

Citizen 2: Now we stand here, under this debris shower.

Citizen 1: The building's still on fire. Perhaps we should cower?

Citizen 2: I hope it was an accident and not the end of the world.

All citizens: In a New York Minute, ooh-ah-oohhh. Anything can change! In A New York Minute, Ooh-ah-oohhh, Things can get pretty strange! In a New York Minute, ohh-ah-oohh, Everything can change! In a New York Minute, ooh-ah-oohh-oohhh.

Music fades. Curtain closed. Over the speaker, we now hear the 2nd plane approach the South Tower and hit it.

Satyr: Act 5! The second plane has hit the South Tower. People are now aware that these are no accidents, but the acts of courageous men carrying out a mission they think is just. As that realization sets in, people stuck in the Towers above the points of impact decide their fate.

The curtain opens to reveal a mock up two floors of the South Tower from the outside. Four of the windows have been removed. four kids are hanging out of the holes. There is a blue mat in front of the mock building.

The music to "Bodies" by Drowning Pool starts playing.

Victim 1: Beaten, why for?

Victim 2: Why for?

Victim 1: Can't take much more!

Victim 3: Here we go! Here we go! Here we go!

Victim1: Nothing wrong with me!

Victim 2: Nothing wrong with me!

Victim 3: Nothing wrong with me!

Victim 4: Nothing wrong with me!

Victim 1: Something's got to give!

Victim 2: Something's got to give!

Victim 3: Something's got to give!

Victim 4: Now!

Victim 1: Let the bodies hit the floor! Let the bodies hit the floor! Let the bodies hit the flooooor!

Victim 1 then throws himself out of the window and onto the the mat.

The song continues on until all 4 kids have jumped.

The curtain closes.

Satyr: We will now visit the passengers of Flight 93. We will see how these heroes fought back to stop the brave terrorists who volunteered to give their lives for a greater cause.

The curtain opens to reveal a mock up of an airplane cabin. We see three kids dressed as Muslims and six kids acting as passengers.

Muhammad: Ok American Pigs. Just stay in your seats and no one will get hurt.

All 3 terrorists let out a snicker.

The six passengers were gathered together so the terrorists could keep a better eye on them. They whispered to each other.

Todd Beamer: Are you sure this plan will work?

Edward Felt: Yes. They are going to crash this plane into a building. We have to do something.

Passenger 57: I agree. We need to do this.

Beamer: Are you guys ready? Let's roll!

The passengers got up. The music to "We Are The World" by Michael Jackson and some other people started to play.

Beamer: There comes a time, when we head a certain call! When the world must come together as one! There are people dying and it's time to lend a hand to life! The greatest gift of al!

Felt: We can't go on pretending day by day, that someone, somewhere will soon make a change ! We are all a part of God's great big family and the truth, you know love is all we need!

All the Passengers: We are the world! We are the children! We are the ones who make a brighter day, so let's start giving! There's a choice we're making! We're saving our own lives! It's true we'll make a better day, just you and me!

Passenger 57: Send them your heart, so they'll know that someone cares! And their lives will be stronger and free! As God has shown us by turning stone to bread! So we all must lend a helping hand!

The terrorists dropped their weapons and held hands with the passengers.

Passengers and Terrorists: We are the world! We are the children! We are the ones who make a brighter day, so let's start giving! There's a choice we're making! We're saving our own lives! It's true we'll make a better day, just you and me!

Music fades.

Muhammad: You Americans are right! It is wrong to kill people! We are all children of God. It is no matter what we call him! We shall land this plane safely and let you all go free.

Muhammad: Muhammad, could you come into the cockpit please?

Muhammad: What is it?

Muhammad: We learned to fly these planes to crash them into buildings.

Muhammad: Yes, so?

Muhammad: We never bothered learning how to land.

Muhammad: I see.

The curtain closes. We hear the sound of a plane falling and crashing.

Satyr: Act 7. We now come back to our hero, Ashton Cinder, who is still in the North Tower making sure people get out. Unfortunately, the love of his life, Ruby Tuesday, is stuck in the South Tower, right above the impact crater. Ashton has found a window and so has Ruby. We now find them at the most important moment in their lives.

The curtain rises and we see the new stage set. It consists of two mock ups of the Twin Towers. Ashton is standing in the window of the tower on the left. Ruby is on the right., a fire has been painted on the building, right below her.

Ruby: Ash, there is no way out! I'm not going to make it!

Ashton: I've already lost Frank and my parents! I'm not going to lose you too!

Ruby: You won't lose me! I'll always be with you!

Ashton: Don't give up! I'll rescue you!

Ruby: You already have! My life was nothing until I met you! I love you! I always will!

The building starts to shake. We see it start to collapse down.

The music to "Free Falling" by Tom Petty starts playing

Ruby: I'm a good girl, I love my mamma. I love Jesus and America too. I'm a good girl, crazy about Elvis. I love horses and my boyfriend too.

Ashton: It's been a long day of firefighting. There's no airplane in the Pentagon's yard. I'm a sad boy, because I can't even save her. I'm a sad boy and it's breaking my heart. Because she's free...

Ruby & Ashton: Free falling! Yeah, free!!! Free falling!

We see Ruby disappear as the building collapses.

Music fades.

Ashton: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Curtain closes. We hear the Fire Chief over the speakers.

Chief: Ashton, get out of there now.

Satyr enters the stage.

Satyr: Ashton made it out. But the biggest pieces of him, he left in those towers that day. It is now time for Act 8, and we shall visit the citizens of New York after the North Tower has fallen.

The curtain goes up and we see the New York street. The back drop now features the fallen towers, with a bunch of smoke in its place. We see the New York citizens, now covered in ash.

The music to "Another One Bites The Dust" by Queen starts playing.

Citizen 1: The smoke fills up all over the street, people running with heads down low.

Citizen 2: Ain't no sound but the sound of feet. Right before the tower was ready to go.

Citizen 3: Are you ready? Hey! Are you ready for this? Are you hanging on the edge of your seat?

Citizen 4: Into a doorway, you better zip! Or else that smoke you ain't gonna beat! Lookout!

All Citizens: Do do do, Another one bites the dust! Ohh! Do do do. Another one bites the dust! And another one gone and another one gone, another one bites the dust! Hey, the smoke will get you too. And another one will bite the dust!

Music fade. Curtain closes.

Satyr: And now we come to our final act. It is the end of a very long day. We find our hero Ashton, alone, in front of what will be called "Ground Zero."

The curtain rises. We see the backdrop, now a picture of Ground Zero.

The music to Ruby Tuesday by The Rolling Stones starts playing.

Ashton: She would never say where she came from. Yesterday don't matter if it's gone. While the sun is bright or in the darkest night. No one knows. She comes and goes. Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday! Who could hang a name on you? When you change with every new day, still I'm gonna miss you! We'll question why there was no plane. In the Pentagon yard, there was no lane. The real truth is what we need. Cause it's obvious a missile did the deed. The truth is in range, just watch Loose Change.

At this point, the rest of the cast joined Ashton on stage. We see Ruby and the other victims, and the terrorists suspended on wires. They have angel wings attached to them.

Cast: Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday! Who could hang a name on you? When you change with every new day, still I'm gonna miss you!

Music fades. Curtain closes. A minute later, it opens back up with all the cast on stage. Satyr was front and center.

Whatever the object was that was thrown on him, he managed to duck it just in time.


An hour later.

Satyr: Who brought the pitchforks!

Gweg: One of the fathers was a farmer.

Satyr: Damn that was an angry mob. Can't believe they lynched the principal.

Gweg: What did you expect? That was the most offensive thing ever. You kept calling the terrorists heroes, hell, you even had them dressed as angels!

Satyr: I was trying to be politically correct.

Gweg: And the songs. Those were the worst choices. And you changed most of the lyrics! And what was it with the damn conspiracy stuff? You said you wouldn't include any of that!

Satyr: I don't think any of that was the problem.

Gweg: Then what was?

Satyr: The story itself. It's hard to do a story based on 9/11. You already know what's going down.


THE END!

Welcome Back Satyr

Previously on "The Adventures of Gweg and Satyr":
Satyr and Gweg have started their war against each other. On Gweg's side is Sara, a beautiful young woman who was once married to Satyr. On Satyr's side is Mike-El, a mysterious stranger from another planet. Satyr burned down the church Sara is a member of, but not before she and Gweg were ordained by the Church's minister.

One week later:

Sara: You'll like Rev. Drew. She's really nice.

Gweg and Sara had arrived at the First Street Church in the city. The church was the largest in the county.

Gweg: I'm a little nervous.

Sara: Don't be. We are just going to watch her give her sermon and pick up on a few things.

The entered into the church. It was Sunday morning, and they had both agreed to sit in on one of Rev. Drew's sermons. Their idea was to "apprentice" Rev. Drew while they rebuilt the church Satyr burned down.

Rev. Drew was waiting for them inside. Rev. Drew was a thin handsome woman of 52. She approached Gweg and gave him a hug.

Rev. Drew: Welcome to my church! It's so nice to meet you. Sara, I'm sorry I didn't ask earlier, but how have you been doing?

Sara: I've been coping. It's been a trying few weeks, I won't lie about that. Thankfully, the Lord has sent me someone to help me through it.

She grabbed a hold of Gweg's hand. Gweg smiled.

Rev. Drew: Please, come into my chambers, we have much to discuss.

She led them to the back of the church. Gweg was impressed with the enormity of it. He looked at all the pews and couldn't imagine being able to talk to that many people.

Rev. Drew's chambers was a cozy little office, behind her desk was a replica of the Last Supper. She invited them to sit.

Rev. Drew: Can I get you two anything? Water?

Sara: I'm fine.

Gweg: No thank you.

Rev. Drew: Let me get the unpleasant business out of the way. I don't want to judge Reverend Hart's sins, but this whole affair has brought some damage to the church.

Rev. Hart's church, the one Satyr burned down, had been built for the parishioners who lived in suburbs of the city. The church had been thought of as "First Street Church's little brother".

Rev Drew: So, my sermon today will be doing some damage control and hopefully put this controversy behind us.

Sara: Rev. Hart was a good man. I had wished he had been able to control his demons.

Rev. Drew: As do I. Two days after his death, I received a letter in the mail. He had written me, saying that he had failed God's test of him and he needed to one last act of righteousness before the devil took complete control. He said he would be ordaining a new minister for the church. And I think he made a good choice.

Sara: Thank you.

Rev. Drew: Sara, I've always admired your excellent work as the Sunday School teacher. I think you'll fill out the role of a minister quite nicely. Now Gweg, Sara tells me you are new to the whole church experience.

Gweg: Yes mam. I, uh. actually wasn't a big fan of the church. I allowed myself to be influenced by a very bad person. Thankfully, I have a good influence in my life now.

This time, Gweg took Sara by the hand.

Rev: Drew: That's good to hear. Sara has agreed to take on the ministry responsibilities, do you plan on taking a role?

Gweg: I would like to. I need to pay back a lot of debt. I'm not talking about money, of course, but I need to cleanse my soul. I think I'd like to be a "fresh eyes" kind of minister. Delivering sermons from the Bible with a fresh look of someone that hasn't followed it their whole life.

Rev. Drew: I like that. I like that a lot. I think you two will do ok. Now, they have told me they plan to have the church up within 3 months, considering nothing hinders the construction.

Gweg and Sara gave each other a nervous look.

Gweg: That's something we need to talk about.

Rev. Drew: Is there a problem?

Gweg: Well, yes. You see, what the police reported wasn't quite what happened.

Gweg filled in the details to Rev. Drew. He then explained the history, between him, Sara, and Satyr.

Rev. Drew took it all in. By the time Gweg was finished, she was convinced Satyr was an agent of the devil.

Rev. Drew: Do you think this Satyr will try to sabotage the reconstruction of the church?

Gweg: Yes. He is out to get us. I haven't even seen him since the incident. So, he's probably planning something. He does not want to see us happy. However, Sara and I talked, and I think I have a way to drive Satyr out of town. We'll need your help.

Gweg explained his plan to Rev. Drew. She agreed to help.


A block away from the church, Mike-El sat, watching.

He recalled the conversation he and Satyr had before Satyr took off.

Satyr: I have a business meeting, It should only be a couple of days.

Mike-El: What is this business, exactly?

Satyr: Just some stuff I've been involved in for awhile now. Listen, while I'm gone, I want you to make sure you follow Gweg's every move. He's going to be out to get me, so I want be kept up to date on all of his actions.

Mike-El: You Got it.

It had been a week now, and Mike-El had not heard from Satyr at all. Nevertheless, Mike kept to the task at hand. Since Gweg and Sara did not know about him, he would be able to sit in on this morning's service without fear of being recognized.

He began to wrote down the morning's events when he was interrupted by a phone call on his cell. He looked at the caller ID. He didn't recognize the number.

Mike-El: Hello.

Satyr: Mike?

Mike-El: Yeah, it's me.

Satyr: Damn, I'm back home. Don't ask questions, but I need to know what date it is.

Mike told him.

Satyr: Really? So, I've only been gone a week?

Mike-El: Yes. Where are you?

Satyr: I'm in Montana.

Mike-El: Montana! What in the hell are you doing there?

Satyr: Look, I don't want to be in Montana, I need to get out of here. Come pick me up.

Mike-El: It's going to take me a whole day just to get up there. Why can't you just take a plane or steal a car?

Satyr: Because I'm in Montana! I'm in the middle of nowhere! I had to break into a home just to use a phone. And it's a rotary phone! These people don't even have cable. And, there's not a car in sight. There was a note pinned on there door saying they're on vacation, so I don't know when they'll be back. Just drive up here and get me, I don't want to walk 100 miles just to reach civilization. I'll give you the address to put in the GPS.

Mike-El: What about Gweg and Sara? This church service is going to start soon and I want to sit in on it.

Satyr: What the hell? You're going to church now?

Mike-El: No, Gweg and Sara are learning how to preach and I want to make sure they don't try anything.

Satyr: Don't worry about them for now. What's Gweg going to do, get those idiots to pray for me? Just get up here and get me out of this jackass state.

Mike-El: Fine, what's the address?

Mike-El entered the address in the GPS and took off.


Two hours later, Gweg and Sara emerged from the church.

Sara: I hope this works.

Gweg: I pray this works.


Sitting in the house in Montana, Satyr felt the urge to roll his eyes. He looked the clock on wall and wondered if it was even working right. The batteries in his watch and cell phone were both dead.

He sat down in the La-Z-Boy recliner and tried to relax. Satyr was not thrilled being back home.

From Mike-El's perspective, Satyr had only been gone a week. However, from Satyr's perspective, the last time he saw Mike-El had been a year and a half.

Satyr had been in a parallel universe. It was very much like the one he was in now, but his arrival there changed it. Satyr had been welcomed like he was a god.

Satyr closed his eyes and wished himself back over there. He didn't want to open them, because he knew he would still be in the boring Montana living room.

He was right.


Mike-El arrived at the house. Satyr was right, it was in the middle of nowhere.

He called out for Satyr.

Satyr emerged in the doorway, looking none too pleased.

Mike-El: What? Not happy to see me?

Satyr: Not really.

Mike-El: Well, fuck you then. I'll just leave you here.

Satyr: Wait a second. I'm glad you're here. I'll explain everything on the way home. Let's just get out of here.

On the way back, Satyr told Mike all about the parallel world.

Mike-El: Really? So, everyone loved you over there?

Satyr: Yep. I was the best thing to happen to them. Ugh. Can't believe I'm back in this shit hole. Well, I guess it's time to get back to business. What has Gweg been up too?

Mike-El: He and Sara are talking about rebuilding the church.

Satyr: Which one?

Mike-El: The one you blew up.

Satyr: You need to be more specific.

Mike sighed.

Mike-El: The last one you blew up. Remember, you held them and a bunch of kids hostage in it.

Satyr: I have been in another reality for a year and a half. One where I started to live a new life and was able to purge all the nonsense that this life has consisted of. So forgive me if I don't remember every insignificant detail like which church I blew and when.

Mike-El: Sorry. I didn't realize.

Satyr: It's fine. What else are they doing?

Mike-El: They've began training as preachers. As soon as the church is rebuilt, they'll be the preachers there.

Satyr: What! I just blew that thing up a week ago! Goddamn. They won't let me have a break, will they. Gweg as preacher. Don't make me laugh. He wouldn't know a quote from the Bible if Jesus walked up to him and said it himself. And Sara. She's committed sins the devil never even heard of. I'm not too worried about them being preachers. Nobody will want them teaching the words of God.



Rev. Drew's church held services 3 times during Sunday. Gweg delivered his sermon during the night service.

Those in attendance held on Gweg's every word. He had spoken briefly during the other two services, but expanded on his message during his sermon.

His sermon was on how to beat the Devil.

After the sermon, Gweg spoke with each person as they left the church. They all thanked him and welcomed him, and said they would do their part to cast out the devil.

Gweg was struck by the cheerfulness and enthusiasm of one particular person. His name was Chuck.

Chuck: Hi Gweg! It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Charles, but you can call me Chuck! All my friends call me that. That or Chuckles, or Chuckie, or Nunchucks, or..

Gweg cut him off.

Gweg: Well. it is nice to meet you Chuck.

Chuck: So, you think we can all beet the Devil that way.

Gweg: Indeed I do. The Devil is a tricky snake, we have to trick him right back.

Chuck: That's pretty darn clever.

Gweg: Thank you.

Chuck: Well, I'll see you around Gweg.

Gweg: Where you headed?

Chuck just shrugged his shoulders and smiled. He then took off skipping down the street.

Gweg watched him go and smiled. He'd never admit it to anybody, but he was glad his life had gone down the path it has since he's met Satyr. Standing out the church, he felt more content with his life than he ever had. Now he had to make sure Satyr wouldn't do anything to mess it up.


Satyr: Home sweet fuckin' home.

Satyr and Mike-El had arrived back in town. Mike had grown tired of driving and Satyr was now behind the wheel.

Satyr: Before I head back to the apartment, I need to get something to eat. You hungry?

Mike-El: Yeah, I could go for a bite.

Satyr: I haven't been to the Speedy Wiener in a few years. Let's go there.

The arrived at the Speedy Wiener. A car hop hot dog stand. Satyr pulled into a parking spot and shut the engine off.

Satyr: I'm telling you man, that world was like a paradise, People respected me. Not like the assholes here. Oh hell, get a load of this.

Satyr pointed to the car hop that was headed in their direction. The car hop was a slightly overweight girl of 18.

Car Hop: May I take your order?

Satyr: No you may not. Look, I did not come here because the food is outstanding, quite the contrary, it's mediocre at best. And, I certainly did come here to be waited on by the likes of you. I came here so I could check out your more attractive co-workers. Now, do me a favor and get someone else to take my order, somebody I would want to have sex with.

Car Hop: Sure thing Mr. Satyr.

The girl left and went back to join the other car hops. She then sent over a very attractive blond girl to take Satyr's order.

Satyr was stunned.

Blond: What can I get for you Mr. Satyr?

Satyr: Would you excuse me a second?

Satyr leaned over and whispered to Mike-El.

Satyr: What the hell is going on? Why was that ugly girl nice to me? Why are they being polite? Did the parallel worlds merge or something?

Mike-El: Not that I know of.

Satyr: Maybe we you didn't feel it happening because you are unique to earth. Hold on, I'm going to ask this chick.

Satyr turned back to the blond.

Satyr: How do you know me?

Blond: There is a picture of you up on our wall in the kitchen.

Satyr: What does it say?

Blond: It says not to serve you because you once tried to pay with counterfeit money.

Satyr: Then why are you here taking my order?

Blond: We thought we'd be nice to you and give you a second chance.

Satyr was displeased to hear this. He also became paranoid.

Satyr: I don't think so. I'm wise to your games. You take my order and then you do all sorts of nasty shit to my food, laughing while you say "This will teach you to try to pay with fake money", then you hand me my food with the same shit eating grin you have on now. I wasn't born yesterday sister. I'm out of here.

Satyr pulled away.

Satyr: I knew it was too good to be true. For a second there I thought the other world may have bled over. But nope, same old crap place I lived in for centuries. Let's go to Cowthulhu Burger.

They arrived at Cowthulhu Burger and Satyr told Mike-El it was best to go inside.

Satyr: Never take the drive-thru. I've worked in these places and you want to make sure you can see the people that are making your food.

They went inside. There was older couple at the register ordering their food. Satyr and Mike-El got in line behind them.

Satyr took a good look at the cashier.

Satyr: Hey Mike, I'm going to do a little experiment. That dude working the register looks like the kind of guy that would get pissed of you implied that he was gay.

The older couple finished ordering and Satyr walked up to the register.

Cashier: Welcome to Cowthulhu Burger! Would you like to try the Cthughlate Shake for only $1.99?

Satyr: No thanks. Hey, let me ask you a question.

Cashier: Fire away.

Satyr: Have you heard that joke they don't tell gay people?

Cashier: I have not sir.

Satyr: That's what I thought.

The cashier took a moment to a moment for the joke to register. He then laughed.

Cashier: That was a good one sir, I'll have to remember that one.

Satyr frowned and placed his order.

Satyr got a cup from the cashier and went to the drink station to get Dr. Pepper.

The old couple were standing in front of the drink fountains.

Satyr: Hey, American Gothic! You want to hurry this up? I'm kinda thirsty here.

Old Man: I'm sorry. We'll get out of your way.

Satyr: Yeah thanks.

Satyr got his drink and his food and sat down at a booth with Mike-El.

Satyr: I don't understand why that toss piece didn't get upset when I made him out to be a homo.

Mike-El: He probably didn't get mad because it's his job to be nice to customers.

Satyr: Eh, whatever.

Mike-El: So, what do you want to do about Gweg?

Satyr: We cannot let him rebuild that church. It will be bad news. When Me and Sara got that divorce, there were certain clauses that my lawyer put into effect.

Mike-El: What kind of clauses?

Satyr: Never mind that now. It's complicated. I know what's going to happen when that church gets rebuilt. Gweg and Sara will get married in it. We can't let that happen.

Mike-El: What's to stop them from getting married in another church?

Satyr: Nothing, but I know Sara. She loved that church. If she and Gweg raise it from its ashes, then a wedding for the two of them will be the perfect thing for her to break it in. What a bitch.

Mike-El: Have any plans?

Satyr: This has got to be done strategically. They would get married in a court house just to spite me if they knew I didn't want the two of them married. We have to make them think that not being together is their idea.

They finished their meal. Satyr went to dump the trash, but the old man from before was standing in front of the garbage bin.

Old Man: Sorry sir, I keep getting in your way.

Satyr: Yeah, you and the rest of the world. Why don't you do yourself and the rest of us a favor by staying inside until you finally die. Leave the outside world for the people that can actually move in it.

Old Man: You have a point sir, I'll take that into consideration.

The old man left. Satyr stood, his mind racing. He turned to Mike-El.

Satyr: Take the trash and leave on the table. Take our drinks and spill them all over the floor.

Mike-El: What has gotten into you?

Satyr: Just do it.

Mike-El shrugged and began to do as Satyr asked. Satyr walked up to the cashier.

Satyr: Excuse me kid, are you the one that has to clean up the lobby?

Cashier: Yes sir.

Satyr: I instructed my friend there to make a huge mess for you to clean up, what do you have to say about that?

Cashier: Well, that's what they pay me for.

Satyr's eyes narrowed and he flipped the cashier off. The cashier just smiled.

Satyr: Mike, let's get the hell out of here.

They left and got into the car.

Mike-El: What the hell was all that about?

Satyr: Something's not right. People are being too nice. I don't like it.

Mike-El: What are you complaining about? On the was back from Montana, you went on and on on how everybody loved your ass in the other world.

Satyr: That was different. Over there, they feared and respected me. Here, they are being nice to piss me off.

Mike-El: It's only been a few people.

Satyr: I'll show you. Let's find some people and I'll try to piss them off and we'll see what happens.

Mike-El drove around a few blocks until he found a group of some young men hanging around a streetball court. He stopped the car and pointed at them.

Mike-El: There you go.

Satyr looked at the group and frowned.

Satyr: No chance in hell. I'm not even going to try to piss them off.

Mike-El: Why not?

Satyr: Because they're black.

Mike-El: Exactly, all you have to do is walk up to them and call them the N word.

Satyr: No fucking way am I calling them the N word.

Mike-El: What's this? That word taboo to you all the sudden? Last week you were screaming it off the top of your lungs out of your apartment window.

Satyr: My neighbor paid me to watch his cat. He named it that because he happens to be a racist.

Mike-El: I never pegged you to be a pussy.

Satyr: I just want to piss people off, not get shot.

Mike_El: They're not going to shoot you. It's the middle of the day and the police station is a block away. Besides, it's very clear that they are with the Christian Ministries.

Satyr: How do you know that?

Mike-El: They are wearing the uniforms and the basketball court is right next to the church.

Satyr: I still don't want to risk it. They may know and if they do, all bets are off.

Mike-El: Know what?

Satyr shifted in his seat. He was about to admit something he hadn't let anybody know for a long time.

Satyr: I used to own slaves.

Mike-El: What?

Satyr: Yeah, back in the 1800s. Everybody was doing it. It was all the rage, you weren't anybody unless you had a few of them. So I thought, why the hell not?

Mike-El: There is no way they are going to know you owned slaves.

Satyr: Fine.

Satyr got out of the car and approached the boys.

Satyr: How y'all doing today?

1st Young Man: We're doing fine. How are you?

Satyr: I'm doing just great. Considering...

1st Young Man: Considering what?

Satyr: Considering the fact that I'm standing in front of a bunch of Ni...Ni..Ni..Near sighted boys that don't know how to shoot a ball.

The young men looked at each other and laughed.

2nd Young Man: Are you saying we don't know how to play ball?

Satyr: Yes, which is surprising, given that you are a bunch of...fuck, I can't say it. Thanks for nothing assholes.

Satyr stormed off back to the car.

1st Young Man: I think he wanted to call us "niggers."

2nd Young Man: That's great. Rev. Gweg will want to hear about this.

3rd Young Man; You know he used to own slaves.



Gweg got off the phone. He and Sara were at her house looking over the blueprints for the new church.

Gweg: I just got a call from a gentleman from the church. Seems Satyr tried to confront them but chickened out.

Sara: You think he's starting to suspect?

Gweg: Maybe, or maybe he was just being his usual jackass self. We'll just have to wait and see.



Satyr: There is no Santa Claus.

Satyr and Mike-El were now at the Mall. Satyr was talking to a 7 year old girl with her parents standing right next to her.

Girl: Is that true Mommy?

Mom: Yes dear, it is. Your father and I are the ones that buy your presents.

Girl: Oh. That's cool.

Mom: Thank you Mr. Satyr, we didn't know how tell her. Thanks for doing it for us.

They walked away.

Satyr fumed.

Satyr: What the hell? Nothing is working!

Mike-El: I don't think you're trying hard enough.

Satyr: I ripped up the picture of the Pope on front of those nuns. They thanked me because they don't like Benedict. I talked real loudly on my phone in that coffee shop and got a standing ovation.

Mike-El: That's because you perfectly recited Jack Nicholson's monologue from "A Few Good Men."

Satyr: I don't care. These things I'm doing are too menial. I need to step up my game.

A couple hours later, back at Sara's house.

Gweg: We should definitely have a playground if we are going to expand the hours for Sunday School.

Sara: That's a good idea.

Gweg's phone rang.

Gweg: Hello.

Caller: Hello Rev. Gweg. This is Wade over here at Video Palace. Satyr is here and he keeps telling my customers the endings to the movies they are renting.

Gweg: I see. How are they reacting.

Wade: They are handling it very well. Most of them are thanking him and saying how much they don't like surprises. He is getting frustrated. Oh, he just left. I think he's screaming out the N word.

Gweg: Thank you for calling.

Gweg hung up and smiled at Sara.

Gweg: It's working.


Satyr sat in the car with his face buried in his hands.

Satyr: I don't understand.

Mike-El: You are not trying hard enough. Maybe you should bring back the Abortion-Mobile, that pissed people off.

Satyr: Do I look like the Galactic Empire to you.

Mike-El: No, but what does that have to do with anything.

Satyr: The Death Star. It gets blown up by the rebels, so what does the Empire do? The build another one. Guess what happens. It gets blown up too. Obviously, the Death Star was not something the rebels wanted around. And when you have a big group of people willing to resort to violence and sacrifice to rid the universe of something they don't like, chances are they are willing to do anything to keep destroying it until the finally stop. You know how much the Abortion-Mobile cost me? A LOT. I'm not going to throw that kind of money into something that's just going to get destroyed again.

Mike-El: You need to do something destructive if you want to piss people off.

Satyr shook his head.

Satyr: People are too desensitized to violence nowadays. What, I blow up another church? It's been done. I shoot up a school? Boring. I go and shoot a politician in the head at a public meeting? People will blame rhetoric and forget about me a week later. It's no good. It just doesn't work. An act of violence to one person is an act of heroism to another. The only difference between a god and a devil is a point of view.

Mike-El: Maybe you should just accept it. So what if people are nice to you and don't get upset? Let's just move on.

Satyr gave Mike-El a nasty look.

Mike-El: I didn't think you would.

Satyr: Something had to trigger this.

Satyr stared out of the car window thinking about what might have cause the sudden change in everyone's personality. After a few minutes, he then said one word.

Satyr: Gweg.


Back at Sara's house, Gweg was searching for his iPad.

Gweg: Sara, have you seen my iPad?

Sara: Not today. Last time I saw it was when we were at your apartment the other day moving stuff out.

Gweg was in the process of moving in with Sara.

Gweg: Oh yeah, dang, I did leave it there. How careless of me. I'm going to head over there and get it. Want to join me?

Sara: Sorry hon, I have some calls I need to make.

Gweg: Okey dokey. I'll be back in a jiffy.

Gweg headed back to his apartment. He was glad to be finally moving out of it. When he got there, he wasn't too surprised to find the door unlocked. He went inside.

Satyr: There you are. You son of a bitch! I don't know what you're up to, but you're not going to get away with it.

Gweg: Ah, Satyr, there you. It feels like I haven't seen you in a couple years.

Satyr: I've already done that meta-reference, so don't avoid my accusation.

Gweg: I don't know what you're talking about. Listen Satyr, I have something to tell you.

Satyr: I'm all ears.

Gweg: I'm moving out of here and in with Sara. We have decided to move on. You got your revenge my blowing up the church and killing innocent kids, so we ask you to move on too. We are comfortable in the fact that you are going to Hell. We will pray for you, but we just ask that you leave us be. We are going to rebuild the church and hope to have a happy life with one another.

Satyr: That's a bad idea.

Gweg: Oh, why is that?

Satyr: Trust me.

Gweg let out a laugh.

Gweg: I don't even think God himself could get me to do that. I can sense that you are opposed to the rebuilding of this church and since I don't want any trouble from you, I have a proposition for you.

Satyr: What is it?

Gweg: I met a young man today. Goes by the name of Chuck. If you can get Chuck to be pissed off at you, I will not rebuild the church.

Satyr: And what happens if I can't.

Gweg: Then you have to swear not to destroy. Or get anybody else too.

Satyr thought it over. It was now his chance to kill two birds with one stone. Prove to himself that he could still piss people off and get Gweg to back off from his church.

Satyr: It's a deal.

Gweg: Good. I'll set up the meeting. I'll call you when he's ready.

Gweg retrieved his iPad and left. Mike-El emerged from Satyr's bedroom.

Mike-El: This sounds fishy to me.

Satyr: It's a win-win situation. I piss of this Chuck guy and Gweg doesn't build the church. I somehow don't and I don't do something I didn't plan on doing to begin with.

Mike-El: I don't know why you don't plan on destroying the church again after they rebuild it. Remember your Death Star analogy? You keep blowing it up, the won't want to rebuild it.

Satyr: I told you, it's not about the church, it's about them getting married. Now be quiet. I have to prep myself for this meeting.

Satyr meditated. Half an hour later, he got the call.

Gweg: Chuck will meet you at the park.

Satyr: How will I recognize him?

Gweg: Don't worry, he'll recognize you.

Satyr: Will you be there?

Gweg: No, I have other matters to attend to.

Satyr: How will you know if I piss him off or not?

Gweg: Chuck will tell me.

Gweg hung up.

Satyr: Mike, I need you to record our confrontation. I don't want this little prick telling Gweg I didn't piss him off.


They arrived at the park, which was pretty much empty. Satyr scanned the area and say what he thought was a woman, a butch lesbian by the looks of her. The person was headed right towards Satyr.

Satyr: Heads up, we got company. Get the camera rolling.

The person greeted them. Bu the sound of the voice, Satyr still couldn't tell if it was a male or female.

Chuck: Hi Satyr, my name is Chuck.

Satyr: Are you a guy or a girl?

Chuck: I'm a guy. Don't worry, people mistake me for a girl all the time. I'm used to it.

Satyr: Well, I see it hasn't stopped you from trying to make yourself look more like a man. Maybe grow a beard or cut that ridiculous blond hair of yours.

Chuck: I'm fine the way I am. So, what's shaking?

Satyr: My dick as soon as I pay your mom a visit.

Chuck: She always did like doing charity work.

Satyr wasn't expecting that, but he didn't let his guard down. He had decided he needed to stand confident. People hated cocky bastards.

Satyr: Yeah well, I hear your mom has done so much "charity" work that they call her a salvation army of one.

Chuck: I'll have to congratulate her then.

Satyr slightly gritted his teeth. Obviously mom jokes weren't going to work.

Satyr: Have any pets?

Chuck: I got a Yorkshire terrier.

Satyr: Aww, those cute little dogs?

Chuck: Yep.

Satyr: What's his name?

Chuck: Toby.

Satyr: Why don't I go over to your house, pick Toby up, and then use him for batting practice?

Chuck: You don't know where I live.

Satyr: I could find out.

Chuck: You don't know my last name.

Satyr: I have my ways, believe me, I have my ways. By the end of the day, I'll be wearing a Toby-skin hat.

Chuck: Won't it look ugly since you beat him up with a baseball bat?

Satyr: Fine, I'll just skin him alive.

Chuck: Well, he is old and sick. I was going to take him to the vet to put him asleep, but I like your idea better. that way, he gets to keep another person happy, even after death.

Satyr was starting to get angry.

Satyr: You know that joke they don't tell gay people?

Chuck: Yes I do.

Satyr: Oh is that right? Then tell me Chucker, what is the joke?

Chuck: I'm not supposed to tell you.

Satyr became furious. He began to lunge at Chuck, but held back. Chuck just stood his ground and continued to smile. Satyr took a few steps back to gather his composure.

Satyr: There's got to be something that I can do that'll piss you off.

Chuck: Nope. I don't let things get to me that way.

Satyr pulled out a gun.

Satyr: How about I just shoot you in the leg?

Chuck: Hmm. I get to go to the hospital where I get waited on and get to spend a couple days in bed watching TV while pretty nurses bring me food and pamper me.

Satyr: Nobody can be that optimistic! It's impossible.

Chuck: It's very possible.

Satyr did his best to hold back the scream, but the scream came anyway. He then turned towards Mike-El.

Satyr: Turn the camera off, turn the fucking camera off!

Satyr: That son of a bitch Gweg. He knew I wouldn't be able to piss off this, this..thing. Why the hell is everyone so nice?!?!

Chuck: I know.

Satyr: what?

Chuck: I know why people are being nice to you.

Satyr: Tell me.

Chuck: Ok.

Chuck pulled out his cell phone and played a video.

Chuck: I recorded this at church.

on the video, Satyr saw Gweg standing behind a pulpit.

Gweg: My brothers and sisters, this town has been plagued. Plagued by the very Devil himself. This devil does not even try to hide himself, He walks among you in plain sight. He calls himself "Satyr". This devil has brought forth murder, abortions, sin, and corruptions. He even corrupted me. But I have seen the light, my brothers and sisters. Praise God, I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT!

The parishioners shouted "Hallelujah!"

Gweg: We must purge our town of this beast! We must cast the devil off. But how, my brothers and sisters, how? I have prayed on this. Oh Lord have I prayed. And the answer was given to me. The best way to ward of this evil to shine the light in his face. We must kill this creature with kindness. The devil can only live in a dwelling of darkness, but if we bring the light in, he will hide, oh Lord, HE WILL HIDE! He will recoil in fear like the coward he is. Will you join me brothers and sister? Will you join me in showing this creature of darkness that we are beings of light?

They shouted "Yes."

Gweg: I am pleased to hear it. When you see this devil, be nice to him. He will try to fight, he will try to temp you into the darkness, but hold your ground. No matter what he does, he will realize he is beaten and he will retreat. Pray with me now. Dear Lord, help us defeat this creature that defies your will. Help us rid ourselves of this evil. Help us to stand. Amen.

The crowd said "Amen."

Satyr was shaking with anger. He couldn't even speak.

Mike-El: Why'd you show us this video? I thought you were Gweg's boy.

Chuck: He told us to be nice to Satyr. So I thought it would be nice to show his the video.

Mike-El: You're weird.

Chuck: Thank you.

Satyr finally spoke. It started off as a whisper, but then evolved into a primal scream.

Satyr: That son of a bitch thinks he can run me out of this town by getting these jackballs to be nice to me. I don't think so. After I'm done, they won't be able to pay this town to be nice to me!


The Next Day.


Gweg and Sara were standing in the church. Rev. Drew approached them.

Rev. Drew: It has spread to Egypt now. They are rioting in the streets trying to overthrow their government.

Gweg: Oh wow.

A man rushed into the church.

Man: Gweg, we finally got all the fish out public swimming pool.

Gweg: Good. Is the National Guard still out there?

Man: Yes.

Gweg: They'll probably be here for a couple more days. We're just lucky no one has declared Martial Law.

Man: I'll be honest with you Gweg, it'll be hard to get people to keep being nice to Satyr after what he did. People are still trying finding dead birds everywhere.

Gweg: I understand. Are people angry with me? I did kind if bring this onto us.

Man: No, they are blaming Satyr. They think they didn't pray hard enough.

Gweg: I see. Thank you.

The man left.

Gweg smiled. He turned to Sara and Rev. Drew.

Gweg: It worked.


Satyr sat in his apartment with Mike-El.

Satyr: I don't think I'm going to be able to go out for a while.

Mike-El: Yeah, I'd advise against that.

Satyr: But I showed him didn't I? That silly bastard thought he was going to run me out by having his sheep blow sunshine out their asses at me. HA! Ain't going to work. I proved him wrong. Right now, he's probably crying because his plan didn't work. They're not going to be nice to me now. Every single one of those jerks want to kill me.


Satyr smiled. Then he thought about what he just said. His smile drained from his face as the realization sat in.


Satyr: Son of a bitch!