The alarm clock went off and Satyr awoke from his 10 hour sleep. Before he went to sleep the night before, he had been up for 32 hours straight working on a new device, a device that was sure to be his ultimate creation.
Gweg was already up fixing breakfast. Satyr took his morning piss and sat down at the computer. After logging on, he checked his e-mails.
Satyr received a perplexing e-mail from somebody named "NewBuddy". This is what he wrote:
Dear Pollyknuckle,
I am your new buddy. I have been watching you for the past couple of weeks. Yes, I know all about you. Just the other day, you were in your room making some sort of little metallic box. I am interested to find out what it is!
I'll be sending some gifts your way, I do hope you get them.
See you soon
Your NewBuddy.
Satyr read through the e-mail several times. He was convinced it was a joke by Gweg.
Satyr: Gweg get in here!
Gweg: What is it? I've got the bacon on the stove.
Satyr: You think you are funny don't you? This little e-mail. Well, I'm not falling for it.
Gweg: What e-mail?
Satyr: This one.
Satyr pointed to the monitor. Gweg read the e-mail.
Gweg: Well, I swear to you I did not write it. But whoever did knows your real name. Pollyknuckle.
Gweg couldn't help but snicker when he said the name. Satyr growled under his breath and read the e-mail again. Gweg went back into the kitchen to tend to the bacon.
Satyr sent a reply to NewBuddy asking who he was. Satyr went to his usual sites while waiting for a response. Half an hour later, Satyr still had no new e-mails.
Gweg was finished with his breakfast and went into the computer room with Satyr.
Gweg: So, what's this small box all about?
Satyr: I knew it! NewBuddy is interested in the box and so are you! You've got to get up pretty early in the morning to fool me!
Gweg: I was up three hours before you were! And, I didn't fucking send it! I am only curious about the box because it can only mean one thing, trouble.
Satyr: That's were you are wrong. The box will be the answer to all of our problems.
Gweg: Unless the box can make you disappear and have Natalie Portman take your place, then I think your box is full of shit.
Satyr: You'll see. Come and watch.
Satyr and Gweg went to Satyr's room. Satyr picked up a small metallic box sitting on his dresser. The box was the size of a disposable camera and had one button on top of it and a lot of little red, green, and blue lights on it's sides.
Satyr: If you ever find yourself in a situation that requires a little something extra to get out of, something out of the blue for instance, a push of the button on this box, and voila, you have what you need! I call it the Duce X Machine!
Gweg: Why don't you give that button a press so I can find the words to tell you how incredibly fucking stupid you really are.
Satyr: Once again, I have produced greatness, but alas, the only audience I have for it is somebody with the emotional equivalence of a black hole!
Gweg: Ok Satyr. To prove your little toy works, let's take it to the computer and see if it will unravel the mystery of your stalker.
Satyr: Good idea Gweg. I could use a little more input like that from you more often.
Gweg: (under his breath) The next input you'll get from me, is when I input my foot up your ass.
Satyr: You say something?
Gweg: Nope.
Satyr sat the Duce X Machine on the computer desk. He brought up the e-mail and then pressed the Machine's button.
The Machine's lights started to flash and the computer monitor went blank. A few seconds later, a new web page was brought up.
Satyr: I'll be damned. It's the Adult Swim Message Board. I should have known that the stalker would be from there.
Gweg: Why do you say that?
Satyr: There are two kinds of people on the ASMB. Those who love me and those who hate me. Unfortunately, the latter outnumbers the former.
Gweg: Imagine that.
Satyr: But my stalker could be either type. This is going to take some serious investigating on our part.
Gweg: Why do you insist on including me. They are stalking you, I have no part in this at all.
Satyr: What if they sneak in here late at night to kill me? You think they are just going to let you live? Nope, they will kill you to.
Gweg: I hate to say it, but you do have a point. All right. Let's find out who it is.
Satyr compiled a list of ASMBers he thought would fit the profile of someone who would want to stalk him.
Satyr: All right. I made the list of potential stalkers. I put the most likely on the top of the list.
Gweg took the list from Satyr and read it.
Gweg: So, who's this Primus Fan 1?
Satyr: Uh yeah, there is something I should probably tell you before we begin.
Gweg: What is it?
Satyr: Well, you know they have these "live journals" on the internet. Well, I have my own and I mention you a few times.
Gweg: And?
Satyr: Well, Primus, he reads what I post there and he gets a kick out of our adventures. And He idolizes you.
Gweg: Well, I'm either flattered or appalled. I guess I'll find out which one it is later.
Satyr: He's a good kid. You'll like him.
Gweg: Yeah, if he doesn't have a shrine of me in his living room surrounded by the trash I throw out.
Satyr shrugged his shoulders.
Satyr and Gweg decided to take a road trip to each of houses of the people who were on Satyr's list. Gweg and Satyr met in the living room to do some last minute planning before heading out.
They had just got everything packed and ready when there was a knock on the door.
Satyr: Should we answer it?
Gweg: Be my guest.
Satyr opened the door. It was a UPS man.
UPS Man: I got a package here for a Pollyknuckle Applebee.
Satyr: He's mocking me.
Satyr signed for the package and the UPS Man left. Satyr opened it. Inside was a doll of a red haired boy with overalls.
Satyr: This is the creepiest looking thing I have ever seen.
Gweg: It's a "My Buddy" doll.
Satyr: Great. Oh look, here's a note.
Satyr took the note out and read it out loud.
Dear Satyr,
Here is my gift to you. Inside the buddy doll, you'll find my greatest gift of all!
Your NewBuddy.
Satyr took out the doll and ripped it open. Something red and sticky fell to the floor. It was the size of a fist.
Gweg: Holy shit! That's a human heart!
Satyr: We had better find this sick fuck as fast as we can.
Satyr and Gweg took off and headed for Primus Fan 1's house.
They found his house and went up to the door. Satyr rang the doorbell. A teenage boy answered.
Primus Fan 1: Satyr! What do I owe the pleasure of this visit? And is that...oh my god...it is...GWEG!
Primus threw himself to the ground at Gweg's feet.
Primus: You are my hero Gweg! I kiss the ground you walk on!
Gweg: That's unnecessary.
Primus stood up and dusted himself off.
Primus: Sorry Gweg. I tend to get a little carried away.
Gweg: That's quite alright.
Primus: So, what's up guys?
Satyr: I seem to have a stalker. And it's an ASMBer. We're trying to find out who it is.
Primus: You think it's me?
Satyr: Well, you are the first on my list.
Primus: It's not me. I swear. I don't have the time or the effort to stalk someone. It's hard enough finding the time for homework and video games.
Satyr: Ok. We just need to cover all of our bases.
Primus: You know what I do have time for?
Satyr: No.
Primus: I have time to come with you and track this stalker down.
Gweg: This might get a little dangerous. It's probably best if you just stay home.
Primus: Please let me come with you. I won't get in the way and I'll be a big help, I swear.
Satyr: Are those Slim Jims sitting on your end table there?
Primus: Yes, they are. Want one?
Satyr: Hell yes I want one! You're a-ok in my book. You can come with us.
Primus: Woo-hoo!
Satyr, Gweg, and Primus set off to find the next person on the list. Pillz.
Their destination was a shabby apartment building.
Satyr: I bet you this is the kind of place that has bugs crawling in the bath tubs.
Satyr didn't exactly know which apartment Pillz lived in. But he was sure he found the right one when he saw a door with a huge Hal Jordan poster on it.
Satyr: This has to be it.
Primus: The guy truly is obsessed.
Satyr knocked on the door. Pillz answered.
Pillz: What are you guys doing here?
Satyr: I'll cut to the chase. Are you stalking me?
Pillz: Yes I am. But not this week, this week it's Neal Adams.
Satyr: Your sarcastic wit is too much for me.
Pillz: I know. Well, I may not be stalking you, but I really am stalking Neal Adams.
Satyr: Well, anyway, would you like to join us on our quest to find my stalker.
Pillz: I don't know, I've got to sort through my comic collection. And get the roaches out of my bathtub.
Primus: Come on Pillz, we need you. Think of it like the Justice League. Satyr is Superman, Gweg is Batman, I'm J'onn J'onzz, and you're Green Lantern.
Gweg: According to Satyr's last girlfriend, he should be the Flash.
Satyr ignored this comic, Primus laughed his ass off.
Pillz: Well, since you put it that way, I guess I'll come along. But this better not suck like "The Batman" or anything.
Satyr: Well on to the next name on the list. SockatOr.
She lived in a nice house. It has flowers along the driveway. Satyr knocked on the door.
SockatOr appeared at the door wearing her pajamas.
SockatOr: *Gasp* Satyr! If I had known you were stopping by, I would have worn something more appropriate.
Satyr: Don't sweat it babe. You look just fine.
SockatOr: Who are all of these people with you?
Satyr: Well, we got Pillz and Primus here. You know them from the Boards. And this waste of flesh standing over here is Gweg.
SockatOr: Nice. What are you all doing here?
Satyr: Seems like I have a stalker problem. Know anything about it?
SockatOr: Well, I won't deny my everlasting love and desire for you Satyr, I know nothing of any stalking.
Gweg: Wait a sec. You're in love with Satyr?
SockatOr: Of course I am. I can't help being attracted to his raw animal sexuality.
Pillz: I always knew you had a thing for goats.
SockatOr: You are just jealous.
Pillz: Not really, considering what happened to your last boyfriend.
SockatOr: Don't you dare bring that up.
Primus: What happened?
Pillz: Let's just say he prefers the log and not the beaver.
Satyr: All right. Well, thanks SockatOr. We need to be on our way.
SockatOr: May I come? I'll, uh, make it worth your time. If you know what I mean.
Satyr: There's always room for one more.
Primus: Where to next Commander?
Satyr: Captain Sam's house.
When the Crew reached Captain Sam's house, they were in for a surprise. Not only was Sam there, but Shaft76 was there as well.
Shaft76: Wow! Look at all of these people. Reminds me of a tube of grey headlights soaking in a tub of ultra thin pillow crackers.
Capt. Sam: More like a spanking a road full of sugar coated hamstrings.
Satyr: That's great fellas. We are here trying to track down a stalker. Either of you happen to be him?
Shaft76: That's as ridiculous as a robotic flea reading T. S. Eliot while trying to balance a football made of sunshine on his spleen.
Capt. Sam: It's like a Blowtorch trying to make love to a cuticle.
Gweg: Why are the both of you speaking in obscure metaphors?
Shaft76 & Capt. Sam: Because the omniscient one is too lazy to try to come up with real dialogue for us! Yaaaah Yaaaah! Nyaaaah!
SockatOr: Let's get the hell out of here.
Pillz: Yes, let's.
Satyr and his gang left.
Pillz: I'm starving. Let's stop by some store so I can pick up some snacks.
Satyr: Agreed. We could all use a break.
Primus: I'm thirsty as well.
Pillz: Really? I thought you'd be emo.
Primus: You know something, I really hate you sometimes.
Pillz: I was just joking. I'll buy you some pop.
They found a little grocery store. Pillz went in to grab some snacks and sodas. Satyr and SockatOr went into an alley to take care of some "business". Gweg and Primus sat down at a bench.
Gweg: I want to ask you a question if you don't mind.
Primus: Fire away.
Gweg: Why am I your hero?
Primus. Well, I read what Satyr writes about you. You don't take any shit. You are smart and you tell people exactly what you think. I admire that.
Gweg: That's very flattering. But I think you could do better than me for somebody to emulate.
Primus: Somebody like Satyr?
Gweg: Fuck no!
Primus: Who then?
Gweg: I don't know. But just not me. Truth be told, I'm as bad as Satyr. I let him get away with a lot of shit. I mean, that poor mime. I can't believe Satyr talked me in to doing that.
Primus: What mime?
Gweg: He hasn't wrote about that?
Primus: No.
Gweg: Then forget about it.
At that time, Satyr and SockatOr came out of the alley.
SockatOr: That was just a preview. The Main Feature is for later.
Satyr: I can't wait.
Pillz emerged from the store with some pop and a bag of Cracker Jack.
Pillz: We ready? Let's get this over with.
Satyr: All right the next person on the list is...
Satyr was interrupted by the screech of tires. A van pulled up beside them and two men in ski masks jumped out the side. One of them grabbed Primus and the other grabbed SockatOr.
After they jumped back into the van, the driver threw out a piece of paper and sped away.
Satyr: Son of a bitch!
Gweg picked up the piece of paper.
Gweg: It's another note.
Satyr read it.
Dear Satyr Shit Head,
My my. That's quite the group you have collected there. I think I'll "borrow" a couple of them. Ha ha! If you ever want to see them again, meet me at the abandoned warehouse on the east side of town. Bring only yourself, Gweg, and Pillz. I want them to come as well. It will be a nice party.
See you soon.
Your NewBuddy.
Satyr: We need to get to the abandoned warehouse.
Pillz: An abandoned warehouse. What a cliche.
The trio arrived at the building. When they got inside, they saw Primus and Sockator. They were both tied to posts. Standing in between them was a masked person holding a sword.
Masked Person: Welcome my friends! I am so glad you could make it!
Satyr: Why don't you show us who you are?
Masked Person: So be it!
The person took off the mask. Satyr was shocked to see who it was.
Satyr: Purple Slug!
Purple Slug: That's right it is I. Now we shall play our favorite game. "Choose or Die!" This is how we play. You get to choose which on of these fine tied up people get to be killed in front of you. Your girlfriend SockatOr or your number one fan Primus. If you don't choose, both die and so do you!
Satyr was angry. Gweg was busy trying to think of a plan. Pillz seemed entertained by the whole thing, as all he did was munch on the Cracker Jack.
Satyr: Why this sick twisted game? Is it because of you love me and know you can never have me?
Purple Slug laughed.
Purple Slug: Love you? In your dreams. The only reason I am doing this is because I am an evil vixen from Neptune!
Satyr: Ok. I have made my choice.
Satyr pulled out a gun and shot Primus right between his eyes.
Gweg: What the fuck! You had a gun this whole time? Why didn't you shoot Purple Slug?
Satyr: You heard her. One of them had to die. And SockatOr promised me I'd be getting laid tonight.
Purple Slug: You idiot! I was supposed to kill whoever you chose! I was supposed to make you suffer! Now I have no choice but to kill SockatOr!
Satyr: Wait a sec. Before you do that, why don't you show us who you really are!
Purple Slug: I underestimated you.
Purple Slug grabbed her face and started pulling it off. It was another mask.
Satyr: Ha! I knew it was you, Invader Zim!
Invader Zim: Yes. It is me. This is my revenge for every time you made me ruin my computer equipment whenever you mentioned Jena Malone!
Satyr: Jena Malone!
Invader Zim stood still and then started shaking. He let out a moan and once again stood still.
Zim: These were my favorite pants! Now your woman dies!
Zim started toward SockatOr with the sword raised.
Gweg: Shoot him!
Satyr: I only had one bullet.
Gweg suddenly remembered something.
Gweg: You idiot! Use the Duce X Machine!
Satyr had completely forgot he had it. He pulled it out of his pocket and pressed the button. The lights went of. A huge picture of Jena Malone appeared in the air.
Zim was just about to stab SockatOr through the heart when he saw the picture. He dropped the sword and and pulled down his pants and went to town on himself.
Satyr: That will only stop him for so long. We need something else!
Pillz: Hey! All right! The Toy Surprise!
Pillz opened up the the little package.
Pillz: It's a Green Lantern Ring!
Pillz put it on and felt the Ring's power flow through him.
Pillz: In brightest day, in blackest night No evil shall escape my sight Let those who worship evil's might Beware my power, Green Lantern's light!
A green light erupted from the ring to form a giant chainsaw. Pillz raised it up in the air and brought it down on Invader Zim, cutting him in half.
Satyr freed SockatOr from her shackles.
Gweg: Well. I'm glad that's over. We should probably take Primus' body back to his family.
Satyr: I'll take care of that.
Satyr pressed the button on the Duce X Machine. Primus' body erupted in flames and was burnt to a crisp.
Satyr: I didn't see that coming.
Gweg: Damn it. You know, I actually liked that kid. He did nothing to deserve this. Satyr, give me the Duce X Machine.
Satyr: Why?
Gweg: Because you are not responsible enough to have it.
Satyr: You can have it when you pry it from my cold dead hands.
Gweg: Pillz if you would please.
Pillz pointed the Ring at Satyr.
Satyr: Fine. Here take it.
Pillz: Well, I'm out of here. Time to go do some good with the Ring. So long.
Satyr watched him leave with some anger in his eyes.
Satyr: Jordan sucks. We all know Alan Scott was the best Lantern anyway.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Monday, October 03, 2005
The Bro and Halo
cybercentaur: good ur on
virtual_satyr: whats up?
cybercentaur: we got a problem
virtual_satyr: ?????
cybercentaur: I just saw satta-sattar-sattar
virtual_satyr: OMFG!!!!
cybercentaur: what ru going to do?
virtual_satyr: idk get over here we'll figure something out
cybercentaur: ok
***cybercentaur has signed out***
Virtual Satyr got up from the computer desk. He was now very worried. There was no reason for Satta-Sattar-Sattar to be in town, but he never knew his friend, Cyber Centaur, to be wrong.
Satyr went to Gweg's room.
Satyr: Gweg, we have a situation on our hands.
Gweg: Oh, don't tell me. Ah, I know, the quadriplegic mime is after us again!
Satyr: No, this is worse. Satta-Sattar-Sattar is in town.
Gweg: Who?
Satyr: He's a satyr. The Name-Givers named him Satta-Sattar-Sattar, which means "The Satyr Who Walks Like A Man."
Gweg: Nice. So, what name did the Name-Givers give you?
Satyr: That's not important.
Gweg: Fine. So, why did they name him "Satyr Who Walks Like A Man"? You walk like a man, somewhat.
Satyr: I know, but Sattar has this cocky strut. And it would piss me off. He walked around as though he owned all of Mt. Olympus.
Gweg: Sounds like someone was jealous.
Satyr: You be quiet. Listen, my friend is coming over. We are going to track Sattar down. Now, my friend is a little sensitive about his looks, so don't be cruel.
Gweg: Sorry, you must have me confused with yourself.
Satyr: I'm Mr. Sensitivity!
Gweg: What about the time that man's head was on fire and you wouldn't put it out with your water?
Satyr: That bottle of water cost me 5 bucks!
20 minutes later, there was a knock at the door.
Satyr: That's probably Cyber, remember, don't make fun of him.
Gweg: Sure thing Goat-Boy!
Satyr shot Gweg a look and then opened the door. What stood there was not your usual centaur. He was only 5 feet tall and very scrawny. His human half was very skinny and un-muscular. He had mangy black hair, taped glasses, and braces. The other half of his body was not that of a horse, but something else entirely.
Upon seeing him, Gweg let out a laugh.
Gweg: I'm sorry, but you are the funniest looking centaur I have ever seen. I mean, what kind of centaur are you anyway? I thought you were all horses.
Cyber Centaur: Typical human thinking. There are many different types of centaurs. It's just that those horse ones are the most popular. Popular in school, popular with the girls, popular with the humans. They are just a bunch of dumb jocks. It's us others that have the brains.
Satyr: You hurt his feelings Gweg, you need to apologize.
Gweg: I'm sorry. I really am, but what breed of centaur are you.
Cyber: A llama, ok. Satisfied now? Do you think I enjoy being part llama? All it's good for is a good spitting range.
Gweg: Ok. I'm sorry.
Satyr: Good. Now, let's get down to business. Cyber, where did you see Sattar?
Cyber: I saw him down at the Mall while I was playing at the arcade.
Satyr: Ok. We'll head down there and see if we can spot him.
Cyber: What then?
Satyr: We'll follow him and see what he is up to. Let's move out.
Gweg: Have fun.
Satyr: You are coming with us.
Gweg: Why?
Satyr: You owe it to cyber after what you did to him, so come on.
Gweg, Satyr, and Cyber all went down to the Mall. After searching for a bit, they spotted Sattar flirting with a couple of women in the food court.
Satyr: There he is. Look at him, he is so smug. I just want to smack him.
Gweg: ***COUjealousGH***
Satyr: I am not jealous. I just hate jerks like him.
Cyber: Me too.
Gweg: So, what exactly are we going to do? Just follow him all day?
Satyr: He is here for a reason. We are going to find out what and put a stop to it.
Cyber: Uh guys, heads up. He's heading this way.
Satyr: Oh shit.
All three of them got up to move away, but amid the confusion, they collided with each other and fell to the ground.
Satta-Sattar-Sattar saw all of this and went up to them.
Sattar: Well, it looks like I came to the right place. I knew I would find you here.
Satyr: What do you want?
Sattar: I came to talk to you, my brother.
Gweg: You two are brothers?
Satyr: Yes, it's not something I'm proud of.
Sattar: Something you are not proud of? You brought disgrace to our family with your antics! It is who should not be proud!
Satyr: Oh you are right Sattar! I should be proud to have the great "Pompous Ass Who Walks Like A Man" as a brother. I disgraced the family? It's a wonder the family even remembered I was a part of it! I lived in your shadow all of my life and I needed to do whatever I could to get out from under it!
Sattar: But the frogs! Why did you have to do that horrible thing with the frogs?
Satyr: I didn't know the spell would be that powerful. But if it wasn't for you, it never would have happened!
Sattar: Listen, I didn't come here to argue. I came here to make amends. With you, my brother, Pollyknuckle Applebee.
There was a brief silence followed by roars of laughter. They came from Gweg and Cyber who were huddled together, tears streaming down their face with fits of laughter. Gweg caught his breath and looked at Satyr.
Gweg: Your name is Pollyknuckle Applebee? That's the funniest goddamn thing I have ever heard.
Satyr: Ha ha fucking hardy har har. And why in the hell are you laughing Cyber? After I stood up for you back at the apartment.
Cyber calmed himself down.
Cyber: You are right. I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you. Polly want a cracker?
Cyber and Gweg roared with laughter again.
Satyr glared at them and then turned to his bother.
Satyr: You see? This is what I always had to put up with when I was with you. Constant ridicule.
Sattar: I'm sorry brother. I promise to make it up to you.
Gweg and Cyber got over their laughing fit and apologized to Satyr.
Satyr: Apology accepted. Now, Sattar here wants to make amends, and I know the perfect way to do it. And you guys can help.
Gweg: How?
Satyr: It's time to go back home and break out the XBOX.
The four of them got back to the apartment. Satyr got out the XBOX and hooked up online.
Satyr: All right guys, we'll be playing the ever popular Halo 2. I'll make you all apart of my clan and we'll do some clan battles.
Gweg: Why is this game so popular? I mean, it's just a standard FPS. All it has got going for it is the online play and the vehicles.
Satyr: Just because you can't grasp the concept of something much greater than you, doesn't mean you have to try to bring it down.
Sattar: This going to be great! Going into battle with my brother!
Satyr: Nothing brings a family closer together than video games.
Sattar: Amen.
Cyber: Ok guys. Here's the keys to winning a team battle. Good Teamwork, Sound Strategy, and Superb Trash-Talking.
Satyr: Right. I wonder what clan is going to be up to the challenge of taking on us.
Gweg: Well, no challengers yet. I guess they are all cowering in fear.
Satyr: Probably.
Sattar: Ah, spoke to soon. There is a clan now.
Cyber: What clan is it?
Satyr: The Cuckoo Clucks Clan.
Gweg: Oh for Pete's sake.
Satyr: Let's get 'em boys.
The game began. It was a King of the Hill scenario, and Satyr's clan was winning.
CCC Member # 5: *Brawk* You'll never beat us!!!
Cyber: Ha, You guys are a bunch of noobs!
Sattar: Yeah, come at me in the Warthog while I have the Bazooka! HAHA Triple Kill!
Satyr: So long, Chicken McFucknuggets! This Hill is ours!
The game was over. Satyr and his Clan won. During the post game statistics, Satyr. Cyber, and Sattar kept bad-mouthing the Cuckoo Clucks Clan.
CCC Member # 10: *Brawk* There are 20 of us in the Grand CCC Army. We will get you!!!
Satyr: The CCC Army? Who's in charge? Col. Sanders?
Sattar: You the man Virtual Satyr!
Satyr smiled to himself. He had never been this happy before in his life. His brother was treating him as an equal and he was having a good old time with him and his two friends.
Cyber: I need to go rinse out my retainer.
Satyr: All right. This is a good time for a break.
Sattar: Hey brother, can I talk to you for a second?
Satyr: Sure.
Sattar: I know I never said this back home, but I need to say it now. I love you man.
Satyr: I love you to brother.
The hugged one another. But their brotherly embrace was interrupted by the sound of breaking glass.
Satyr: What the hell was that?
Gweg: The window! Someone threw a rock through it!
They all ran to the window and looked out.
Satyr: Holy fucking shit!
Outside stood 20 5-foot tall chickens dressed in white robes and wearing white pointed hoods. But there was one exception, on of the chickens had a red robe and hood. That one was the leader.
CCC Leader: *Brawk*I am the Grand Wizard of the Cuckoo Clucks Clan. Lucky for you, all of the Cuckoo Birds have been killed off, so it is just us chickens left. You have insulted our honor and now you will pay.
Cyber: Damn. I haven't seen this many white robes since that Casper Meets Strom Thurmond Convention in 2003.
Sattar: Shit! They have a sniper, everyone back away from the window!
Satyr, Gweg, and Cyber all got away from the window, but a shot rang out and Sattar let out a yell and tumbled to the floor.
Satyr: Noooooooooo!!!!!
Satyr jumped to the floor next to his brother.
Sattar: I'm glad I got to see you one last time bro.
Satyr: Shh. Just hang on, it'll be all right.
Sattar: I always respected you bro. I love you.
Sattar's body went limp.
Satyr held his brother's body in his arms. After a few moments which seemed like a lifetime to Satyr, he stood up, full of rage.
Satyr: It's payback time.
Satyr led Gweg and Cyber to a closet. Satyr opened it up to reveal a bevy of weapons which looked like the weapons from Halo 2.
Gweg: Where and the hell did those come from.
Satyr: I bought them last month from an illegal arms dealer. Here Gweg, you take the sniper and head out on the roof. Cyber, take the Rocket Launcher and shoot it from the window down into the street. Then take this Needler and meet me at the door. We'll go out there together and kick their asses.
Cyber: What weapon will you use.
Satyr: Me? I got the sword.
Gweg: Why can't I have a normal life?
Satyr: Normal lives are for boring people. All right guys. This is just like the Clan Match we played earlier. Only it's 20 on 3 and this time, it's for real.
Cyber: Let's do this!
Gweg headed for the roof. And Cyber took the Launcher to the window. He shot a rocket out into the street, taking out about ten of the chickens. Gweg had taken out 3 of them when he reached the roof.
Cyber went down to the front door.
Satyr: Ready? On 3. 1...2...3!
They charged out the door, one of the chickens ran right at Satyr. Satyr cut it's head off with the sword, but the decapitated chicken kept running and collided with Satyr, knocking him to the ground.
Satyr picked himself up and the body was still running around. Satyr kicked it and it fell and stopped moving.
Satyr: Damn these chickens! Aim for the heart Cyber!
Cyber: Right!
Satyr, Cyber, and Gweg took them down. There was on chicken left, the Grand Wizard.
The Grand Wizard: *Brawk* You may kill me but rest assured, the Cuckoo Clucks Clan will live forever! My only regret is that I have failed the boss!
Satyr: Shut it chicken, you're about to get fried.
Satyr took his sword and cut the Grand Wizard Chicken in half.
Satyr: I have avenged my brother. Let the corpses of the chickens be a sign that you don't fuck with a satyr!
Cyber: Well, I'm pooped. Let's go back upstairs and get a drink.
Satyr: Sure.
Satyr, Cyber, and Gweg sat down in the kitchen.
Satyr: Here's to Sattar! The best brother a guy could have.
Cyber and Gweg: To Sattar!
Gweg: Speaking of which, where's his body?
Sattar: Right here!
They all stood up and turned around. Sattar was standing in the doorway holding a gun.
Satyr: Brother, what's going on?
Sattar: Don't "Brother" me you stupid piece of shit. This was all of my doing. I came here to make a fake reconciliation, then I hired the CCC to attack us. I faked my own death to make you feel guilty. God, how I wanted you to die with a guilty conscience.
Satyr: But why?
Sattar: because you ruined my life. After you got kicked out of our world, I was no longer known as "The Satyr Who Walks Like A Man" I was "The Trouble Maker's Brother". Even though you were gone, everywhere I went it felt as though you were looming over me.
Satyr: Now you know how I felt all of those years!
Sattar: No! It's nothing like that. I was somebody. I had a reputation. You were a loser. You took everything from me, and now, I will kill you!
Sattar pulled back the hammer of the gun. He was too focused on Satyr, that he didn't notice Cyber throwing his head back and jerking it forward, spitting out a loogie the size of a golf ball.
The loogie hit Sattar right in the eyes causing him to drop his gun and grab at his face.
Sattar: Ah! My eyes!
Satyr leapt forward. Fortunately for him, he still had the energy sword with him. Satyr sliced at his brother cutting from the right should to his midsection, killing him.
The three of them stood around for a while looking at the bloody corpse on the floor. Finally, Satyr spoke.
Satyr: Well, that's enough Halo for tonight. Who wants to play Burnout: Revenge?
The End
virtual_satyr: whats up?
cybercentaur: we got a problem
virtual_satyr: ?????
cybercentaur: I just saw satta-sattar-sattar
virtual_satyr: OMFG!!!!
cybercentaur: what ru going to do?
virtual_satyr: idk get over here we'll figure something out
cybercentaur: ok
***cybercentaur has signed out***
Virtual Satyr got up from the computer desk. He was now very worried. There was no reason for Satta-Sattar-Sattar to be in town, but he never knew his friend, Cyber Centaur, to be wrong.
Satyr went to Gweg's room.
Satyr: Gweg, we have a situation on our hands.
Gweg: Oh, don't tell me. Ah, I know, the quadriplegic mime is after us again!
Satyr: No, this is worse. Satta-Sattar-Sattar is in town.
Gweg: Who?
Satyr: He's a satyr. The Name-Givers named him Satta-Sattar-Sattar, which means "The Satyr Who Walks Like A Man."
Gweg: Nice. So, what name did the Name-Givers give you?
Satyr: That's not important.
Gweg: Fine. So, why did they name him "Satyr Who Walks Like A Man"? You walk like a man, somewhat.
Satyr: I know, but Sattar has this cocky strut. And it would piss me off. He walked around as though he owned all of Mt. Olympus.
Gweg: Sounds like someone was jealous.
Satyr: You be quiet. Listen, my friend is coming over. We are going to track Sattar down. Now, my friend is a little sensitive about his looks, so don't be cruel.
Gweg: Sorry, you must have me confused with yourself.
Satyr: I'm Mr. Sensitivity!
Gweg: What about the time that man's head was on fire and you wouldn't put it out with your water?
Satyr: That bottle of water cost me 5 bucks!
20 minutes later, there was a knock at the door.
Satyr: That's probably Cyber, remember, don't make fun of him.
Gweg: Sure thing Goat-Boy!
Satyr shot Gweg a look and then opened the door. What stood there was not your usual centaur. He was only 5 feet tall and very scrawny. His human half was very skinny and un-muscular. He had mangy black hair, taped glasses, and braces. The other half of his body was not that of a horse, but something else entirely.
Upon seeing him, Gweg let out a laugh.
Gweg: I'm sorry, but you are the funniest looking centaur I have ever seen. I mean, what kind of centaur are you anyway? I thought you were all horses.
Cyber Centaur: Typical human thinking. There are many different types of centaurs. It's just that those horse ones are the most popular. Popular in school, popular with the girls, popular with the humans. They are just a bunch of dumb jocks. It's us others that have the brains.
Satyr: You hurt his feelings Gweg, you need to apologize.
Gweg: I'm sorry. I really am, but what breed of centaur are you.
Cyber: A llama, ok. Satisfied now? Do you think I enjoy being part llama? All it's good for is a good spitting range.
Gweg: Ok. I'm sorry.
Satyr: Good. Now, let's get down to business. Cyber, where did you see Sattar?
Cyber: I saw him down at the Mall while I was playing at the arcade.
Satyr: Ok. We'll head down there and see if we can spot him.
Cyber: What then?
Satyr: We'll follow him and see what he is up to. Let's move out.
Gweg: Have fun.
Satyr: You are coming with us.
Gweg: Why?
Satyr: You owe it to cyber after what you did to him, so come on.
Gweg, Satyr, and Cyber all went down to the Mall. After searching for a bit, they spotted Sattar flirting with a couple of women in the food court.
Satyr: There he is. Look at him, he is so smug. I just want to smack him.
Gweg: ***COUjealousGH***
Satyr: I am not jealous. I just hate jerks like him.
Cyber: Me too.
Gweg: So, what exactly are we going to do? Just follow him all day?
Satyr: He is here for a reason. We are going to find out what and put a stop to it.
Cyber: Uh guys, heads up. He's heading this way.
Satyr: Oh shit.
All three of them got up to move away, but amid the confusion, they collided with each other and fell to the ground.
Satta-Sattar-Sattar saw all of this and went up to them.
Sattar: Well, it looks like I came to the right place. I knew I would find you here.
Satyr: What do you want?
Sattar: I came to talk to you, my brother.
Gweg: You two are brothers?
Satyr: Yes, it's not something I'm proud of.
Sattar: Something you are not proud of? You brought disgrace to our family with your antics! It is who should not be proud!
Satyr: Oh you are right Sattar! I should be proud to have the great "Pompous Ass Who Walks Like A Man" as a brother. I disgraced the family? It's a wonder the family even remembered I was a part of it! I lived in your shadow all of my life and I needed to do whatever I could to get out from under it!
Sattar: But the frogs! Why did you have to do that horrible thing with the frogs?
Satyr: I didn't know the spell would be that powerful. But if it wasn't for you, it never would have happened!
Sattar: Listen, I didn't come here to argue. I came here to make amends. With you, my brother, Pollyknuckle Applebee.
There was a brief silence followed by roars of laughter. They came from Gweg and Cyber who were huddled together, tears streaming down their face with fits of laughter. Gweg caught his breath and looked at Satyr.
Gweg: Your name is Pollyknuckle Applebee? That's the funniest goddamn thing I have ever heard.
Satyr: Ha ha fucking hardy har har. And why in the hell are you laughing Cyber? After I stood up for you back at the apartment.
Cyber calmed himself down.
Cyber: You are right. I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you. Polly want a cracker?
Cyber and Gweg roared with laughter again.
Satyr glared at them and then turned to his bother.
Satyr: You see? This is what I always had to put up with when I was with you. Constant ridicule.
Sattar: I'm sorry brother. I promise to make it up to you.
Gweg and Cyber got over their laughing fit and apologized to Satyr.
Satyr: Apology accepted. Now, Sattar here wants to make amends, and I know the perfect way to do it. And you guys can help.
Gweg: How?
Satyr: It's time to go back home and break out the XBOX.
The four of them got back to the apartment. Satyr got out the XBOX and hooked up online.
Satyr: All right guys, we'll be playing the ever popular Halo 2. I'll make you all apart of my clan and we'll do some clan battles.
Gweg: Why is this game so popular? I mean, it's just a standard FPS. All it has got going for it is the online play and the vehicles.
Satyr: Just because you can't grasp the concept of something much greater than you, doesn't mean you have to try to bring it down.
Sattar: This going to be great! Going into battle with my brother!
Satyr: Nothing brings a family closer together than video games.
Sattar: Amen.
Cyber: Ok guys. Here's the keys to winning a team battle. Good Teamwork, Sound Strategy, and Superb Trash-Talking.
Satyr: Right. I wonder what clan is going to be up to the challenge of taking on us.
Gweg: Well, no challengers yet. I guess they are all cowering in fear.
Satyr: Probably.
Sattar: Ah, spoke to soon. There is a clan now.
Cyber: What clan is it?
Satyr: The Cuckoo Clucks Clan.
Gweg: Oh for Pete's sake.
Satyr: Let's get 'em boys.
The game began. It was a King of the Hill scenario, and Satyr's clan was winning.
CCC Member # 5: *Brawk* You'll never beat us!!!
Cyber: Ha, You guys are a bunch of noobs!
Sattar: Yeah, come at me in the Warthog while I have the Bazooka! HAHA Triple Kill!
Satyr: So long, Chicken McFucknuggets! This Hill is ours!
The game was over. Satyr and his Clan won. During the post game statistics, Satyr. Cyber, and Sattar kept bad-mouthing the Cuckoo Clucks Clan.
CCC Member # 10: *Brawk* There are 20 of us in the Grand CCC Army. We will get you!!!
Satyr: The CCC Army? Who's in charge? Col. Sanders?
Sattar: You the man Virtual Satyr!
Satyr smiled to himself. He had never been this happy before in his life. His brother was treating him as an equal and he was having a good old time with him and his two friends.
Cyber: I need to go rinse out my retainer.
Satyr: All right. This is a good time for a break.
Sattar: Hey brother, can I talk to you for a second?
Satyr: Sure.
Sattar: I know I never said this back home, but I need to say it now. I love you man.
Satyr: I love you to brother.
The hugged one another. But their brotherly embrace was interrupted by the sound of breaking glass.
Satyr: What the hell was that?
Gweg: The window! Someone threw a rock through it!
They all ran to the window and looked out.
Satyr: Holy fucking shit!
Outside stood 20 5-foot tall chickens dressed in white robes and wearing white pointed hoods. But there was one exception, on of the chickens had a red robe and hood. That one was the leader.
CCC Leader: *Brawk*I am the Grand Wizard of the Cuckoo Clucks Clan. Lucky for you, all of the Cuckoo Birds have been killed off, so it is just us chickens left. You have insulted our honor and now you will pay.
Cyber: Damn. I haven't seen this many white robes since that Casper Meets Strom Thurmond Convention in 2003.
Sattar: Shit! They have a sniper, everyone back away from the window!
Satyr, Gweg, and Cyber all got away from the window, but a shot rang out and Sattar let out a yell and tumbled to the floor.
Satyr: Noooooooooo!!!!!
Satyr jumped to the floor next to his brother.
Sattar: I'm glad I got to see you one last time bro.
Satyr: Shh. Just hang on, it'll be all right.
Sattar: I always respected you bro. I love you.
Sattar's body went limp.
Satyr held his brother's body in his arms. After a few moments which seemed like a lifetime to Satyr, he stood up, full of rage.
Satyr: It's payback time.
Satyr led Gweg and Cyber to a closet. Satyr opened it up to reveal a bevy of weapons which looked like the weapons from Halo 2.
Gweg: Where and the hell did those come from.
Satyr: I bought them last month from an illegal arms dealer. Here Gweg, you take the sniper and head out on the roof. Cyber, take the Rocket Launcher and shoot it from the window down into the street. Then take this Needler and meet me at the door. We'll go out there together and kick their asses.
Cyber: What weapon will you use.
Satyr: Me? I got the sword.
Gweg: Why can't I have a normal life?
Satyr: Normal lives are for boring people. All right guys. This is just like the Clan Match we played earlier. Only it's 20 on 3 and this time, it's for real.
Cyber: Let's do this!
Gweg headed for the roof. And Cyber took the Launcher to the window. He shot a rocket out into the street, taking out about ten of the chickens. Gweg had taken out 3 of them when he reached the roof.
Cyber went down to the front door.
Satyr: Ready? On 3. 1...2...3!
They charged out the door, one of the chickens ran right at Satyr. Satyr cut it's head off with the sword, but the decapitated chicken kept running and collided with Satyr, knocking him to the ground.
Satyr picked himself up and the body was still running around. Satyr kicked it and it fell and stopped moving.
Satyr: Damn these chickens! Aim for the heart Cyber!
Cyber: Right!
Satyr, Cyber, and Gweg took them down. There was on chicken left, the Grand Wizard.
The Grand Wizard: *Brawk* You may kill me but rest assured, the Cuckoo Clucks Clan will live forever! My only regret is that I have failed the boss!
Satyr: Shut it chicken, you're about to get fried.
Satyr took his sword and cut the Grand Wizard Chicken in half.
Satyr: I have avenged my brother. Let the corpses of the chickens be a sign that you don't fuck with a satyr!
Cyber: Well, I'm pooped. Let's go back upstairs and get a drink.
Satyr: Sure.
Satyr, Cyber, and Gweg sat down in the kitchen.
Satyr: Here's to Sattar! The best brother a guy could have.
Cyber and Gweg: To Sattar!
Gweg: Speaking of which, where's his body?
Sattar: Right here!
They all stood up and turned around. Sattar was standing in the doorway holding a gun.
Satyr: Brother, what's going on?
Sattar: Don't "Brother" me you stupid piece of shit. This was all of my doing. I came here to make a fake reconciliation, then I hired the CCC to attack us. I faked my own death to make you feel guilty. God, how I wanted you to die with a guilty conscience.
Satyr: But why?
Sattar: because you ruined my life. After you got kicked out of our world, I was no longer known as "The Satyr Who Walks Like A Man" I was "The Trouble Maker's Brother". Even though you were gone, everywhere I went it felt as though you were looming over me.
Satyr: Now you know how I felt all of those years!
Sattar: No! It's nothing like that. I was somebody. I had a reputation. You were a loser. You took everything from me, and now, I will kill you!
Sattar pulled back the hammer of the gun. He was too focused on Satyr, that he didn't notice Cyber throwing his head back and jerking it forward, spitting out a loogie the size of a golf ball.
The loogie hit Sattar right in the eyes causing him to drop his gun and grab at his face.
Sattar: Ah! My eyes!
Satyr leapt forward. Fortunately for him, he still had the energy sword with him. Satyr sliced at his brother cutting from the right should to his midsection, killing him.
The three of them stood around for a while looking at the bloody corpse on the floor. Finally, Satyr spoke.
Satyr: Well, that's enough Halo for tonight. Who wants to play Burnout: Revenge?
The End
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