Jeremy: Hey, you're the new guy right?
Gweg: Yep, that's me.
It was Gweg's first day at his new job. He was hired on at one of the bigger companies in the town. He was on his lunch break and sharing the break room with one of his new co-workers.
Jeremy: You did a lot of freelance work right? Why come to work here in these boring offices? Not raking in enough?
Gweg: Nope. I just needed to get out of my apartment more. My roommate is annoying as hell.
Jeremy: Tell me about it. My roommate is annoying too. But I can't kick her out, Because I'm married to her.
Jerermy and Gweg shared a laugh.
Jeremy: What about you, Gweg? Got a special somebody in your life?
Gweg: Nope, I'm single.
Jeremy: Yeah, that's the way to go. Me and the wife have been at each other's throats because I want her to convert over to my new religion.
Gweg: Yeah, religion is always a touchy subject.
Jeremy: I don't know why she won't convert, I mean we get these cool bracelets and everything.
Jeremy held up his hand for Gweg to see. Around his hand was a red rubber band. Gweg made a polite comment about it, but couldn't help think about how stupid it was to wear a rubber band for a bracelet.
Then Gweg realized something. Most of the staff he had come across that day had been wearing rubber bands. In fact, his boss, Mr. Merkin, had been wearing a rubber band.
Jeremy continued on, talking about the rubber band.
Jeremy: Yep, the color of your bracelet signifies your stance in the church. Red means that I'm still virgin blood. I get to move up in color after I get somebody to convert.
Gweg had always rolled his eyes at these kooky religions he was always hearing about. But Gweg had decided he wanted to get along with everybody he worked for, so he pretended to be interested.
Gweg: What color comes next.
Jeremy: Pink. The Leader says that pink signifies the color of blood mixing in with the white of a bed sheet. When you get a pink bracelet, that mean you have popped your cherry, so to speak.
Gweg: So, this religion is pretty popular in this company. I mean I've seen several people wearing the, uh, bracelets.
Jeremy: Yeah. Mr. Merkin started doing the religion and we all followed suit. And if you want to get somewhere in this company, you'll do the same.
Jeremy gave Gweg a cautious look and left the break room.
Gweg didn't like what Jeremy had just said at all. In truth, his freelancing wasn't paying much at all. And the company was the best paying employer in town. And the only one that really catered to his skills.
He would have been hired on a couple of years earlier, but fate had intervened, and Gweg wasn't able to get the job.
Gweg certainly didn't want to convert to a religion to keep his job, but the the more he thought about it, the more he realized it wouldn't be so bad. If there was a hell, Gweg was definitely going there. Gweg was more certain about that than anything. Satyr had seen to that. The very fact that he was living with Satyr had already guaranteed him a one way ticket into hell.
Gweg realized he didn't even know what the religion was called. He left the break room and took out after Jeremy.
Gweg: Hey Jeremy, wait up!
Jeremy: Yeah?
Gweg: What's the religion called?
Jeremy: Satyrism.
Jeremy took off running. He ran straight to Mr. Merkin's office.
Jeremy: I don't think that new guy is going to work out.
Mr. Merkin: Gweg? Why not?
Jeremy: When I told him about Satyrism, well...
Mr. Merkin: Well what?
Jeremy: If looks could kill, I'd be at Mt. Olympus right now with 40 nymphs at my side.
Mr. Merkin: I'll call the leader. Oh, and tell Gweg he's fired.
20 minutes later, Gweg arrived home.
Gweg barged into the apartment. He made a bee line for Satyr, who was sitting on the couch.
Satyr: Gweg, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at work?
Gweg: Don't give me that innocent act. I just got fired and you know damn well why.
Satyr: How could I? I've been here all day?
Gweg: One word: Satyrism.
Satyr: Oh that! Yeah, your boss, well your former boss just called me and explained. He'll be getting a blue bracelet tomorrow.
Gweg: Don't get me started on those stupid bracelets. Why in the hell am I calling them bracelets, they are fucking rubber bands!
Satyr: How dare you! Rubber bands! They are performance enhancing power bracelets!
Gweg: They are rubber fucking bands!
Satyr: You are just attacking something you don't understand. The dogma of Satyrism is very clear on the use of the bracelets.
Gweg rolled his eyes.
Gweg: Satyrism. You know, I really wouldn't care about this, if it didn't get me fired from my job! I would sue the company for wrongful termination, but I think that I'll get a lot more satisfaction from kicking your ass!
Gweg lunged after Satyr. Another person came out of nowhere and tackled Gweg to the floor.
Satyr: Good job Urameshi.
Urameshi: Thank you Leader. Do I get the yellow bracelet now?
Satyr: I don't think so. I don't think my life was in too much danger there. But don't worry, Urameshi, I'm sure you'll get your chance. I'm probably going to be making a lot of enemies.
Gweg picked himself off the floor.
Gweg: One of your followers?
Satyr: Yes. Urameshi here is one of the first members of the International Church of Satyrism.
Urameshi: That's right. And as soon as I save the Leader's life, I get the yellow bracelet!
Gweg: It's a rubber band!
Satyr: Oh hush Gweg. Is everything ready for tomorrow's first mass, Urameshi?
Urameshi: Yes sir.
Satyr: Good. I want everything to go just right.
Gweg: It's not going to. Not if I have anything to do about it.
Satyr: And what exactly are you going to do? You have never been able to stop me. You couldn't stop me from making my play, couldn't stop me from operating on the mime, couldn't stop me from having sex with the Dyslexic Anorexic and the Anemic Bulimic.
Gweg: I never tried to stop you from doing any ofthat. I just stood by and let it happen. Wait a second, you had sex with those two freaks? We both ran out of the apartment.
Satyr: I went back. I wasn't going to let that Spanish Fly go to waste. Besides, I was really horny.
Gweg: You really are sick.
Satyr: I'm not sick. You just don't have the balls to stomach what I'm capable of.
Gweg: You know what? That's probably right. But this stupid church ends now.
Urameshi: Leader, it's almost 3:30.
Satyr: Well Gweg, I would love to stay and chat, but I've got to interview another perspective member.
Gweg: I'm not letting you leave.
Satyr: I don't need to. The interview will be here. What's the dude's name again?
Urameshi: His name is Gweg sir.
Satyr: Ah ok. Hello Gweg. Thank you for taking an interest in the Church of Satyrism. Have a seat.
Gweg: What the fuck are you talking about?
Satyr: Now, as you may already be aware of, to become an official member of the Church, you need to sign the contract.
Gweg: Contract? Only your church would make members sign a contract.
Satyr: It's written in the dogma.
Gweg: Just to satisfy my own morbid curiosity, can I see this contract.
Satyr: But of course, however, you must first sign this contract.
Satyr handed Gweg a piece of paper.
I, the undersigned, hereby state that I will not discuss the contents of The Official Contract of the International Church of Satyrism with anybody. If I, the undersigned, do breach this contract, I will be expect my life to be immediately terminated.
_______________
Sign Here
Gweg: Well, you don't have to worry about me talking about your stupid religion with anybody. I don't want to be getting stares. I get that enough.
Gweg signed the contract.
Satyr handed Gweg the other contract and Gweg scanned through it.
Gweg: It says here that when I die, I get to go to Mt. Olympus and have 40 nymphs living by my side.
Satyr: That's correct. That is if you don't breach the contract.
Gweg: And how exactly does that happen? From what I understand, and please correct me if I'm wrong, you are banished from Mt. Olympus by Pan himself?
Satyr: Urameshi, would you please excuse us for a minute?
Urameshi: As you wish.
Urameshi left the apartment.
Satyr: Alright, alright. This whole religion thing is bullshit.
Gweg: You don't say? Next thing you'll be telling me that the earth is round.
Satyr: Your sarcastic responses never fail to impress me Gweg.
Gweg: What, may I ask, is the point of your stupid religion?
Satyr: It's should seem pretty obvious to you if you had really read that contract.
Gweg: What do you mean.
Satyr grabbed the contract out of Gweg's hand.
Satyr pointed to a section of the contract.
Satyr: Here in Section IV. It reads, all newborns infants who were conceived under the Super Satyrism Sexcapade are to be given into the custody of the Leader, that's me.
Gweg: The Super Satyrism Sexcapade?
Satyr: Yes, according to our religious doctrine, all Satyrists get together once a month and have an orgy.
Gweg: Only you would write that into a religious doctrine.
Satyr: Yeah, me and Joseph Smith.
Gweg: Oh yeah. Wait, what exactly are you planning to do with the newborns.
Satyr: I am going to raise them.
Gweg let out a laugh.
Gweg: You raise a bunch of kids. No wonder you became religious, it's going to take a miracle for you to raise a bunch of kids.
Satyr: I won't be the only one raising them. They won't be raised up in a traditional way. They will be under the care of their biological parents until they are ready for school. Then they will be brought up under strict Satyrism rules, taught by myself and a several trusted others.
Gweg: And the purpose of all that is?
Satyr: They are going to be soldiers in my army of course.
Gweg rubbed his hand over the top of his head.
Gweg: And you are going to lead this army to take over the world?
Satyr: You are half right. My son is going to lead the army.
Gweg: Your son?
Satyr: That's right. One of our more prestigious members has agreed to be the mother of my child.
Gweg: Another miracle. I'm convinced, sign me up to your religion right now.
Satyr: Why don't you come to mass tomorrow? You'll see.
Gweg: See what?
Satyr: See what I'm doing.
Gweg: I already know what you are doing.
Satyr: Yeah, but you'll see it in action and it will make a lot more sense.
Gweg: Sure, I'll come. It's not like I have a job or anything.
They heard a sound at the door. Satyr opened it. Urameshi was standing there, his head held up to where the door had been.
Satyr: Were you listening to our conversation?
Urameshi: Yes.
Satyr: You have breached Article XIX of the Contract that clearly states no member of the Church shall ever eavesdrop on the Leader's private conversations.
Urameshi: I'm sorry Leader, give me another chance!
Satyr: Nope. You are hereby banned from the Church!
Urameshi: Noooooooo!
Urameshi ran out of the apartment, crying.
Gweg: Well that was something.
Satyr: He knew better. Oh well, I got to finish getting things set up for mass tomorrow. Better get to sleep early tonight, it starts at 7 am sharp tomorrow.
The next day.
Satyr: Ready to go Gweg?
Gweg was still asleep. He groggily woke up and looked at his clock.
Gweg: It's 5:30. You said this thing didn't start until 7.
Satyr: We need to get there early so we can get things set up. And we need to get some donuts too.
Gweg: Where the hell is this thing at?
Satyr: I rented out the old Fazoli's building.
Gweg: You are using an old Italian fast food place for your church.
Satyr: That's right. Got a good deal on it too.
Gweg: Yeah, I bet.
After getting the donuts, they arrived at the Fazoli's.
Satyr: Yep. The drive-thru. I'm going to convert that into a drive-up confessional. Confess your sins and get some Satyrism approved hamburgers.
Gweg: You know what really scares me? The fact that this fucked-up plan of yours is probably going to work.
Satyr: Of course it's going to work.
7 o'clock came and the mass went under way. Satyr did his preaching from behind the counter while all attending persons sat down at the tables. There were about 50 people.
It went pretty much the way Gweg expected it to be. Satyr talking and all of the idiots surrounding him soaked it up.
Almost three hours later, Satyr seemed to be starting his grand finale.
Satyr: And now for the moment you have all been waiting for Brothers and Sisters! The woman who has agreed to be the harbinger of the Messiah has arrived from England. And here she is, A Perfect Drug!
The people cheered.
A very attractive young woman came from the kitchen. She stood behind the counter and addressed the Church.
Perfect Drug: Tonight, the Leader and I will perform much love making and conceive the Messiah, who will lead the world into the glory of Satyrism!
Satyrists: Praise Satyr!
Satyr: That's right. Perfect Drug has proven her love to me and the religion. She will be the "Perfect" choice for the mother of our Messiah.
That little quip was enough for Gweg. He quietly stepped outside.
Perfect Drug: I'm so eager to conceive the Messiah, I'm willing to do it right here and now!
Satyr: Sounds like a good idea! Let us begin the Super Satyrism Sexcapade!
The moment Gweg had stepped outside, he bumped into somebody. It was Urameshi.
Gweg: Why are you here?
Urameshi: I'm not going to let that Satyr ban me from his church! Nobody bans me! I keep coming back better than ever!
Gweg: But you overheard us talking about the religion. You know it's all a sham.
Urameshi: It doesn't matter. It's the principle of the thing.
Gweg: Well, what are you planning to do?
Urameshi: I'm going to go in there and make Satyr take me back into the church.
Gweg overheard Satyr mention the Sexcapade.
Gweg: Well you better get in there now, or you'll miss all of the fun.
Urameshi stepped inside. Everybody stopped what they were doing and stared at him.
Satyr: What are you doing here? I banned you. Leave now before I make an example of you.
Urameshi: No, I don't think so.
Urameshi opened his coat up to reveal a bunch of dynamite strapped onto his chest.
Urameshi: If you don't let me back into this church, I will blow it straight to into a Larry the Cable Guy Stand Up Special!
The entire congregation gasped.
Satyr: How dare you threaten us with that! Get him guys.
A bunch of guys got up and went after Urameshi. But they were to late. Urameshi activated the bomb and blew up the Fazoli's.
Gweg had been thrown back twenty feet by the blast. He got up and went towards the rubble that used to be the Fazoli's.
Gweg saw some movement. He picked up some debris and got the person out.
It was Satyr.
Satyr: Well, that was another colossal failure. And I was just about to do it with that British chick.
Gweg: Well you're alive.
Satyr: Must be another miracle.
Gweg: No. I know what this is. It's just my bad luck. How did you survive anyway?
Satyr: A bunch of guys jumped on me to shield me from the blast.
They heard a moaning. They removed some more debris that was covering an older man.
Gweg: It's Mr. Merkin! He's not going to make it.
Mr. Merkin spoke a few minutes before he died.
Mr. Merkin: I helped save your life Leader. Do I get a yellow bracelet now?
Satyr: Dude, they are just rubber bands.
The End
