8 days away.
The failure with the snakes did not prohibit Satyr from being any more excited about Snakes on a Plane. In fact, the closer Aug. 18th got, the happier Satyr was getting. The night he sat in the movie theater, watching the greatest movie known to man, was going to be the greatest night ever.
Gweg was happy about it too. The sooner the date had came and went, the better. Gweg was going to be happy when it was all behind him. But then there would be the DVD to worry about.
The morning of Aug 10 was like any typical morning in the apartment of Gweg and Satyr. Gweg woke up at 9 AM, made himself some breakfast, read the paper, and went into town.
Satyr woke up at 11:30 AM, logged onto the computer, ate his left over Chinese food, and watched TV.
At 1:30 PM, there was a knock on the door.
Jimmy Neutron was just getting ready to start, and Satyr loved to sing along to the theme song. He got to "To buy candy bars" when the knocking came. Satyr groggily got up from the couch and looked through the peephole.
It was some guy in a suit. Holding an envelope. Satyr knew it could only be one thing...a summons. Satyr hated court.
Satyr yelled through the door.
Satyr: Who is it?
The man answered that his name was Chad and that he had something for Gweg.
Satyr smiled and opened the door. Chad couldn't hide the shock on his face when he saw Satyr. Satyr saw this and knew he had another jackass to fuck with.
Chad: I'm sorry, I've heard stories, but I never actually...uh, is Gweg here?
Satyr just shook his head no.
Satyr's nonverbal response made Chad even more nervous.
Chad: Um, well uh, who are you?
Satyr stared at Chad for 10 seconds before answering. In a deadpan voice, Satyr answered him.
Satyr: I am Satyr, I take care of the place while the master is away.
Chad: Yeah, could you make sure Gweg gets this.
Chad threw the envelope at Satyr and took off running. Satyr laughed as he bent down to pick it up. He always felt good when he intimidated people.
The envelope had Gweg's name on it, so naturally, Satyr opened it up.
The contents were two movie tickets. What in the hell did Gweg need two movie tickets for? The tickets didn't specify which movie they were for. Satyr wondered if Gweg knew he was even getting them. He hadn't mentioned it. Maybe Gweg didn't know?
Whatever the case, Satyr wasn't going to mention the tickets until Gweg did, even then, Satyr might just deny he had them. It's not everyday two free movie tickets fall into your hands. Two opportunities to watch Snakes On A Plane for free.
Satyr sat back down on the couch with a big smile on his face.
Three hours later, Gweg arrived home.
Gweg came through the door, angry as usual. Satyr never could understand why Gweg was always in a pissy mood all the time.
Gweg: What in the hell did you do to Chad?
Satyr: I didn't do anything to him.
Gweg: He says you scared the hell out of him.
Satyr: It's not my fault your friends are a bunch of pussies.
Gweg: My friends are not pussies. Chad happens to be a very well respected member of this community. He donates to all the charities and volunteers his time to worthy causes.
Satyr: I rest my case.
Gweg: Where are the tickets at? And don't deny that you have them, because Chad told me he gave them to you.
Satyr reached under the couch cushion, where he hid the tickets. He flung them at Gweg.
Satyr: If Chad was going to see you today anyway, why did he stop by here to drop them off?
Gweg: We bumped into each other on the street.
Satyr: Where did you meet this pansy anyway?
Gweg: I met him at the soup kitchen a few months ago.
Satyr: What the hell where you doing in a soup kitchen?
Gweg: Research.
Satyr: Research? You are always doing "research". What in the hell are you always researching? For that matter, what in the hell do you do for a living?
Gweg: We have lived together for three years and you still don't know what my job is?
Satyr: Well, I never actually cared until now.
Gweg shook his head and sat down in his chair.
Gweg: I am a journalist. I write articles about society.
Satyr burst out laughing.
Gweg: I don't know why you think it's so funny. At least I do legitimate work for my money.
Satyr: I do legitimate work. Remember when I was the bell ringer for the Salvation Army last year?
Gweg: The sign you had posted said "Salxation Army" and you kept that money for yourself.
Satyr: I did that to prove a point. A point you should write about in one of your articles. "People never pay attention to details". They saw my little set up, me ringing the bell with the little pot and they automatically thought "Salvation Army". If they had just took a moment to read the sign, they would have known I was a fraud.
Gweg: I've heard a speech like this before. You said the same thing about the counterfeit money. And look how well that turned out.
Satyr: Quit living in the past Gweg. What movie are we going to see?
Gweg: "We" are not going to see any movie. I am going to watch "Little Miss Sunshine". I am doing an article about the growing popularity of independent films.
Satyr: Why can't I go with you? You've got an extra ticket. You and I hardly ever do anything together.
Gweg: You and I do plenty.
Satyr: You let me go see this movie together and I'll do anything you want.
Gweg: Anything?
Satyr: Yes.
Gweg: Fine. You can see the movie with me. But, you have to get that fucking fish tank out of this room.
Satyr: Done.
The next night Gweg and Satyr went to the movie.
They went into the theater. They had to walk through a hall that had movie posters on the wall to get to the ticket collector.
Satyr looked at all the posters. They were posters of movies that were now playing and movies that were coming out in the near future.
Satyr: That's curious.
Gweg: What's curious?
Satyr: Something seems to be missing here.
They got to the ticket collector. Before Gweg could hand him the tickets, Satyr spoke up.
Satyr: Excuse me, is the manager here?
Ticket Collector: Yes sir. You want me to get him for you?
Satyr: Yes.
The ticket collector left.
Gweg: What the hell are you doing?
Satyr: Trust me. I need to find out something.
The two waited for the manager to show up. The ticket collector came back with the manager. The manager was an older man, who reminded Gweg of Mr. Rogers.
Satyr: Those posters you have in the hall there, are they posters for movies this theater is going to be showing?
The Manager: Yes sir.
Satyr: Ok. Then, where in the hell is the Snakes On A Plane poster?
Gweg: Oh Jesus Christ!
The Manager: Well, the reason we don't have that particular poster is because we will not be showing that movie.
Satyr: Why not?
The Manager: Well, the movie has garnished a very bad reputation for being a movie for pot-heads and rabble rousers. That is not the kind of audience we want to have in this family theater.
Satyr: Rabble rousers? Listen jerkfest, you better show this movie if you know what's good for you.
The Manager: I will not respond to threats.
Satyr: Fine.
Satyr turned around and faced the line that had grown behind them.
Satyr: Remember in disgust, the 11th of August, for they denied the movie with the greatest plot. To me it's not known, why Snakes on a Plane should not be shown, so I'll set this theater to rot!
Satyr stormed off and left the theater.
Gweg handed one of the tickets over and watched the movie.
After the movie was over, Gweg came home to find Satyr on the computer.
Gweg: What the hell was that all about?
Satyr turned to look at Gweg.
Satyr: You want to know what that was about? It was about injustice.
Gweg: Why is it such an injustice that this theater is not going to show your precious Snakes On A Plane?
Satyr: Let me tell you something Gweg. If God hadn't of thought of sacrificing his only begotten son as a gift to show his love to the world, he would have given us Snakes On A Plane.
Gweg: That is the most ridiculous thing you have ever said. Snakes On A Plane is nothing more than some campy B-grade movie that became popular on the internet. After the movie comes out and the silly catch phrase gets worn out, it will be looked upon by society as the joke it has always been.
Satyr: There you go with your "society" again, that thing you love to write about. Here, let me give you a little editorial on "society". Society is in the shitter. This is a society where they hail no-talent losers such as Paris Hilton. Where they pay more attention to some second rate anti-Semite getting drunk than they do a war they are losing in the Middle East. A society that is in love with "reality programming". A society that loves to recycle everything. Movie plots, TV shows, everything! And now, something like Snakes On A Plane comes along. Something that dares to be different. Something that dares to go against the grain and you "normal" people have to crap on it! How dare it not be ashamed of what it is! How dare it cavort itself around and not hide itself from your sensitive eyes! Sometimes, I think you people don't deserve Snakes On A Plane.
Gweg: You are not going to order a whole bunch of snakes again, are you?
Satyr: No. I have something else planned.
Gweg: Good. Just keep me out of it.
Satyr: Don't worry. The last thing I want you to do is get involved.
After Gweg went to bed, Satyr left the apartment. He was definitely up to no good.
The next day, Gweg woke up to an empty house. Whatever Satyr was up to, Gweg was just happy he was doing it somewhere else.
Gweg wrote his new article on the computer. After he was finished, he decided he wanted to go to the theaters again. During the previews, he saw one for a movie that was already playing at the theater. It looked good and Gweg still had that extra ticket.
Gweg went to the theater, got his popcorn and drink, and sat down to watch the movie. As soon as the film began to ran, there seemed to be a problem. It looked as though the projector was eating the film. The screen went white. A few seconds later, the film started running again.
But it was showing something no one expected.
There was somebody sitting behind a desk. He was wearing a plastic mask. Gweg couldn't tell who the mask was supposed to represent, but his gut instinct told him who was wearing it.
And as soon as the man started speaking in a bad British accent, Gweg knew he was right.
The Man wearing the mask on the screen: Good evening, movie goers. I'm sorry to interrupt your movie, I, like all of you, love the joy of watching a movie in the theater. But, in the spirit of good movies, I implore you to stand up for your theatrical rights. This theater, the very theater you are sitting in, is going to be participating in a tragedy. It will not be showing the greatest movie to ever be shown. They are afraid. As they should me. Audiences should not be afraid of their theaters, theaters should be afraid of their audiences. This theater does not recognize Aug 18th, so I think we shall make them. Follow me and we shall give them an Aug 18th they will never forget.
The film stopped running and the regular film began. Gweg could hear the murmurs of confusion throughout the room. Gweg couldn't wait to hear this one explained.
After the movie, Gweg went back home. Satyr was watching the news. They were talking about what happened at the theater.
Gweg: Well, that sure was something.
Satyr: Wasn't it though? I've got that theater shaking in it's boots.
Gweg: Yeah, "Audiences should not be afraid of their theaters, theaters should be afraid of their audiences." What does that even mean?
Satyr: I'll tell you what it means. It means that audiences will not stand for atrocity. It means that audiences will fight for their right to be entertained. It means that will wear the mask and stop the totalitarian behavior of those in charge.
Gweg: About that mask, who in the hell is that supposed to be.
Satyr: John Wilkes Booth.
Gweg: John Wilkes Booth? Why?
Satyr: It's symbolic. John Wilkes Booth fought the power in a theater and so shall we.
Gweg: I fail to see how a Southern sympathizer shooting the President in the back of the head has anything to do with you wanting a movie theater to show Snakes On A Plane.
Satyr: I never expected you to. I stopped expecting good things out of you a long time ago. Now, help me get these masks sent out.
Gweg: Sent out where?
Satyr: To everyone in town. They are going to wear the masks and protest the theater.
Gweg: Nobody in this town is going to do that. I was there when your little film ran. Everyone thought it was a big joke.
Satyr: You have a point there, Gweg. I can't rely on these ignorant fools. I need people with a hint of intellect. To the internet!
Satyr got on the computer and went to SnakesonaBlog.com.
Satyr: There, I sent out the word. We'll see what happens.
Two days later, Gweg woke up to find Satyr standing at the kitchen window. He was looking out the window while drinking a Dr. Pepper.
Gweg: What's going on?
Satyr motioned out the window.
Gweg looked out and saw a large group of people. They were all wearing John Wilkes Booth masks.
Gweg: Oh god.
Satyr: After I finish my Dr. Pepper, I'm going out to join them.
Gweg: I'm going back to bed.
Satyr finished his Dr. Pepper, put on his JWB mask and went down to join the crowd.
One of the protestors saw Satyr.
Protestor: Are you the guy in charge?
Satyr: Yeah.
Protestor: We all saw your request on the blog. We are here to help. But I have to ask, what's with these funny masks?
Satyr: Don't worry about it. Let's protest.
Satyr led the group in a chant of "Stop being such a pain, show Snakes On A Plane!".
After two hours of chanting this, the theater manager showed up.
The Manager: What is going on here?
Satyr: We are here to demand that you show Snakes On A Plane!
The Manager: I explained this to you already. Yes, that silly disguise is not fooling me. I can still see your stupid goat legs. This nonsense you have going on here is just proving my point. This film caters to the drecks of society. This protest is almost ironic. The last time I dealt with a protest, the were against us for showing a movie. You are against for not shoiwng a movie. There is no pleasing people. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have got a theater to run.
The manager turned around to walk away. As he did, Satyr took a gun out of jacket and pointed it at the back of the manager's head.
Satyr: Sic semper tyrannis!
Satyr pulled the trigger, painting the marquee of the theater with the manager's brains.
Protestor: What the fuck? Let's get out of here!
The protestors took off running in all directions.
Satyr: You bunch of pussies! You are all worse than Chad!
Satyr went back up the the apartment.
Later that night.
Gweg: Tell me you didn't shoot him.
Satyr: I didn't.
The news had been talking about the protest and the murder all day. Satyr and Gweg were now watching the local Evening News.
Newscaster: Due to the crowd congestion, witnesses could not positively identify which protestor pulled the trigger. The Police Chief said they will do their best to track the protestors down, but because they were all wearing masks and costumes, he said it would prove difficult. The new manager of the theater said the theater does not want to see any more violence, so they will show the movie, Snakes On A Plane, for the weekend of the 18th only.
Gweg: Well, you got want you wanted. I hope you are happy.
Satyr: Quite.
August 17th. 9:00 PM.
Satyr: I'm heading out, I got to get in line for the midnight premiere early.
Gweg: You are going out to get in line for Snakes On A Plane now?
Satyr: Yeah. I want to get to the theater early and it's a good hour drive to get there.
Gweg: An hour drive? It's only a block away.
Satyr: I'm not going to that theater. I'm going to Cineplex in the other town. They got a bigger screen and better seats.
Gweg: You mean to tell me you pulled off all that shit at the theater down there and you are not even going to watch the movie there?
Satyr: Why in the hell would I want to watch it there for? That theater sucks.
The End.
