Gweg returned home to find all of the furniture out of the living room. In their place, he saw a dozen folding chairs and a podium. He couldn't wait to hear what Satyr was up to now.
Gweg went to Satyr's room and knocked on the door. There was no answer. Gweg then heard the shower turn on in the bathroom. Gweg was perplexed by this, because he could never recall a time when Satyr used the shower.
Half an hour later, Satyr came out of the bathroom.
Gweg: What's the deal with the chair and the podium.
Satyr: I have invited a few members of the Adult Swim Message Board over here for a meeting.
Gweg: A meeting about what?
Satyr: My bid for the Presidency in 2020.
Gweg: It's 2005.
Satyr: There is no better time to start than the present.
Gweg: So, your friends from the boards are coming over. I hope none of them are trying to kill you. No wait, I take that back.
Satyr: Don't worry, I only invited those who would help me in my campaign. Go ahead, take a seat.
Gweg: All right, this might prove entertaining.
There was a knock at the door. Satyr answered it.
Satyr: Ah good, sparks is here.
sparks: I am here to help Satyr bring his greatness throughout the land!
Gweg let out a laugh.
Satyr: I'm glad you could make it. Grab a seat and we'll wait for the others.
sparks: You must be Gweg.
Gweg: That I am.
sparks: Do you oppose Satyr and all who follow him?
Gweg: I have better things to do with my time.
sparks: Good. All those who oppose will be shot!
Satyr: That's right. I'll tell you this now spark before we begin, you will be head of my Secret Service.
spark: It will be my honor.
There was another knock at the door. Satyr opened it to find the next ASMBer.
RadioactiveDude: Yes, I am here. Now, what about granting my wish?
Satyr: Breakdancing naked on a roof during a thunderstorm?
RadioactiveDude: No, the other one.
Satyr: Fine, here's your new mp3 player.
RadioactiveDude took the player and sat down next to sparks.
sparks: It's good to see you here.
RadioactiveDude: Likewise.
sparks: So, why did Satyr have to bribe you to come here? You should have come out of blind loyalty.
RadioactiveDude: I did, the mp3 player was for something else.
sparks: What?
RadioactiveDude: You'll see.
Satyr: That's right RD, we don't want to spoil the surprise.
A few minutes later, RyanfromtheShire arrived.
Ryan: Thank you for inviting me Satyr!
Satyr: Thank you for coming.
Ryan: Right on!
Satyr: Nice jacket there. It's really big.
Ryan: Yeah. It's my band jacket.
Satyr: Cool, have a seat.
Ryan sat down.
Ryan: Where are your instruments?
sparks: What instruments.
Ryan: Satyr told me he was starting a band!
Satyr: I lied. I needed to get you here. You will be an important part of my plans.
Ryan: You said we were going to get wasted and play some tunes!
Satyr: Well, I knew the temptation of alcohol would lure you here.
Ryan: Forget you Satyr! I came here with the promise of beer and music! I'm leaving!
Ryan got up to leave. Satyr gave a signal to sparks.
Sparks took a blow dart out of his pocket and blew it towards Ryan. The dart shot into his neck and he collapsed to the floor.
Satyr: Good job sparks. The only rule I have here tonight is that no one is to breath a word about what is discussed here.
Radioactive Dude and sparks both nodded their heads in agreement. Gweg just stared silently into the sky.
Satyr: All right sparks, help me move Ryan into Gweg's room. We'll throw him on the bed. How long will he be out for?
sparks: What do you mean?
Satyr: You know, how long does that tranq dart put a person out?
sparks: Tranquilizer dart? No, that was a lethal dart.
Satyr: So Ryan is dead then?
sparks: Yeah.
Satyr: Oh well, let's get him on Gweg's bed and we'll get rid of the body later.
Gweg: Let's cut him up and throw him in the incinerator.
Satyr: Good thinking Gweg. I'll let you and sparks take care of that.
Gweg: I wasn't being serious.
Satyr: This is no time for jokes Gweg! Do you know what this could do to my campaign? If I'm connected to this death, I'll probably only serve four years instead of eight.
There was a knock on the door.
Satyr: Quick! Let's get this body into the bed room!
Satyr and sparks got the body into the bed room. RadioactiveDude answered the door.
It was DragoonKnight and C17H19N03.
C17: Hey guys! We are here to make history!
Dragoon: Hello. How are you all doing? I'm doing fine. Thank you for asking.
Satyr leaned over to C17.
Satyr: What the hell is wrong with him.
C17: It's ok. He just doesn't have a personality.
Dragoon: But I do have a 1944 penny. I take it with me wherever I go.
Satyr: That's nice. We are almost ready to begin.
C17: Where's Ryan. I know that had to be his car out front.
Satyr: He's feeling a little sick, so he decided to lay down for a while. That's ok though, we can do this meeting without him.
RadioactiveDude: Where's PatheticAesthetic? I though she was going to be here.
Satyr: She already is.
As if on cue, PatheticAesthetic walked out of the bathroom.
Aesthetic: Wow Satyr, that shower really wore me out.
Satyr: That was nothing: You wait until the marathon tonight. Your whole body will feel like it's been through a machine. A love machine!
Aesthetic blushed and sat down.
Gweg: Why are all of these ASMB chicks in love with you?
Satyr: Because I provide the comedy. Because I know how to make a woman feel good.
Gweg: What about that girl in the grocery store today?
Satyr: It's not my fault she wasn't prepared to ride the crimson wave. Anyway, you need to shut up, because we need to be focused. We just have to wait for one more person.
C17: Who? I thought it was going to be just us.
Satyr and Dude looked at each other and laughed.
Satyr: it's a bit of a surprise, but he is the key to my plans.
And once again, as if on cue, there was a knock at the door.
Satyr: Here he is. This is going to be great.
Satyr opened the door. And in the hallway, stood Pero.
Pero: I came here because the radioactive man said he would give me some of his video games if I did. That's him over there sitting down. Where are the games?
Dude: They are right here in this bag.
Pero: Thank you. It's hard to find good games like this. My mother works hard and she brings home money. She gives me an allowance. I use some of the money to buy games. This week I won't have to because the radioactive man gave me some cool games.
Sparks walked up to Satyr and whispered into his ear.
sparks: What the in the hell is he doing here?
Satyr: Don't worry. Just sit down. I'll explain everything.
sparks sit back down. Pero still stood near the podium looking at his games.
Satyr: Go ahead and take a seat Pero.
Pero: Ok. Do you have anything to drink? Water will do fine. It's been a while since I drank pop.
Satyr: All right. Let's all go into the kitchen and get some refreshments before we begin.
They all headed into the kitchen. Satyr had a some cheese and crackers prepared. They grabbed sodas from the fridge, Pero got his water.
C17 spotted a cookie jar on the counter and decided to help himself.
Satyr: No C17! Don't get into that!
Satyr's warning came to late. C17 stuck his hand into the cookie jar and pulled it back out. His hand was covered in a black ash.
C17: What is this stuff?
Satyr: That would be Primus' cremated remains.
C17: Oh my god!
Satyr: We had to put it in something. Here, if you want a cookie, put on these gloves and get one out.
Dragoon: You left the cookies in there?
Satyr: Yeah, it keeps them fresh.
Dragoon: I'll have one then.
Pero: I went to the store one time and got a cookie. It tasted real nice. It had that candy in it, the red and blue ones. They have talking ones on the commercials. I like that one commercial with the gecko. I had an iguana once. But my family went to Florida on a vacation for two weeks and nobody was around to feed it. It died. I cried for a while but then my mom bought me a cat. We named it Carl after my Uncle. He used to work for Time magazine. He would write articles about movies. My favorite movie is Small Soldiers. It has Kirsten Dunst in it. If I ever see her on the street, I wouldn't talk to her it's because I choke around girls. But I am reading a book on how to overcome shyness. Like the one in Earthbound. Earthbound was a great game. I was going to spend some money on games this week, but the radioactive man got some for me.
sparks: Oh my god! You are a fucking idiot!
Pero said nothing. In fact, he looked as though he didn't hear the comment at all.
Satyr: All right, let's get back in the front room and get this thing started.
Satyr: All right. As you all know, I'm planning to campaign for the Presidency of the USA in the year 2020. You are all here because you all provide something that will be useful to me. sparks will be in charge of security. PatheticAesthetic will be in charge of moral, emotional, and sexual support. C17 will be put in charge of spying on the competition and DragoonKnight will be in charge of the press.
Gweg: I'd really hate to spoil all of your fun here. But aren't you forgetting a simple little fact?
Satyr: What would that be Gweg?
Gweg: You need to be a natural born US citizen to run for President! You were born in an entirely different dimension.
Satyr: I'm glad you brought that up. That's where our good friend Pero comes in. You see, I will not be the one elected President, I'll just be pulling the strings. Pero is the one the American people will vote for!
C17: President Pero? You have got to be kidding me. With all due respect Satyr, no one will want to vote for that utter moron.
Satyr: I've got two words for you: George Bush.
Satyr saw them all nodding and smiling, with the exception of Gweg who was shaking his head and Pero, who was reading the instruction booklet to one of his video games.
PatheticAesthetic: You are an absolute genius Satyr.
She ran up to him and kissed passionately.
Satyr: I know. It's amazing how my mind works.
Gweg: For the first time tonight, you and I agree on something.
Dragoon: But will Pero go for it? I think we will have to get him an XBox 360 for him to do something that big.
Satyr: What do you say Pero? Will you be the front man for me while I really run the show?
Pero: What's that one thing called? The thing that has pointy stuff out in the desert?
Satyr: A cactus?
Pero: Yeah.
Satyr: What about them?
Pero: I just wanted to know what they were called.
Satyr: You really are a fucking moron. This plan will work better than I imagined.
Pero sat still for a few seconds and then started to shake. He let out a scream and start growing! His shirt ripped right off of his body and his skin turned yellow. He grew at least 4 feet higher and had muscles on top of muscles.
PeroHulk: Puny humans and goat-man make fun of Pero! Pero Smash!
Pero lunged out with his fist and smashed the podium.
Satyr: Everybody run!
Pero reached out and grabbed Satyr, Satyr managed to get free but fell to the ground.
sparks: I'll save you Satyr!
sparks leaped from the ground and landed in front of Satyr. PeroHulk grabbed him and tore him in half.
Satyr: You just killed the future Head of the Secret Service!
PeroHulk raised his giant foot in the air and was ready to stomp on Satyr.
And then, as if on cue, RyanfromtheShire emerged from the hall.
Ryan: Damn I've got a hell of a headache. It's worse than a hangover, what the hell is going on out here?
PeroHulk stared at Ryan and slowly raised his foot down.
PeroHulk: Puffy Jacket bad! Puffy Jacket scare Pero.
PeroHulk bolted out of the door, taking most of the wall around it with him, and was heard running to the outside.
Satyr: How are you alive Ryan? sparks said that dart was lethal.
Ryan: Please, after all the alcohol I've drank in my life, no poison could kill me!
The End.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Thursday, November 17, 2005
The Mime Incident
Gweg had the apartment all to himself. He decided to do cleaning, reading, and napping. Today was going to be a very good day for him. Satyr had decided to spend the whole day in town.
Gweg had finished cleaning and was about to lay down on the couch to do some reading, when Satyr burst through the door.
Gweg: Every fucking time!
Satyr: What?
Gweg: Every time I begin to do something I enjoy, you manage to interrupt it.
Satyr: Well, I'm sorry, but I need your help.
Gweg: What is it now?
Satyr: There is this mime two blocks down the street. And he attacked me.
Gweg: Why would a mime attack you?
Satyr: I found out his secret.
Gweg: What secret?
Satyr: That mimes are really from outer space!
Gweg: Last week you were telling me they were all from France.
Satyr: They are. You see, thousands of years ago, the mimes landed in France. They bred with humans. Now these half breed mimes are plotting to take over the world!
Gweg: You probably read that in the Weekly World News.
Satyr: No I did not. It's true. The mime even talked to me and said if I told anybody, he would kill me.
Gweg: So why did you tell me?
Satyr: Because we are going to go down there and capture him. Then we will perform experiments on him.
Gweg: I have a lot better things to do than to kidnap a mime.
Satyr: Come down with me and I'll prove it. This mime has some sort of Force-like superpower.
Gweg: I suppose you won't go away if I don't?
Satyr: I'm staying right here unless you come down with me.
Gweg: Fine. Show me your Space Mime From Mars.
Satyr led Gweg down the street.
Satyr: There he is. I will approach him slowly.
Satyr started to walk towards the mime slowly, but then he broke out into a run. The mime was doing the "Trapped in a Box" routine, and when Satyr reached the part where the invisible wall was, Satyr stopped as though he smacked right into it and he fell to the ground.
Satyr got up and yelled over to Gweg.
Satyr: See that? He has the power to create invisible things. Like this box!
The mime then started swirling an invisible lasso over his head. He swung it at Satyr. Satyr stood still with his arms at his side and started to struggle. The mime then drew his arm back and Satyr fell flat on his face.
Satyr: Help me Gweg!
The mime then started dribbling a pretend basketball. Satyr managed to get himself up and the mime threw the invisible basketball at Satyr's head.
Satyr's head bounced back as he let out a "Ow!". The mime then reached behind his back drew out an invisible sword.
As the mime approached Satyr, Gweg tackled the mime from behind and dropped him to the ground.
Satyr pulled a syringe out of his pocket and stuck it into the mime's neck.
Satyr: Mr. Mime here is going to be sleeping for a few hours, let's get him to the apartment.
Satyr and Gweg brought the mime back to their apartment. They tied him to the bed. Satyr went out and got a hacksaw and a blowtorch.
Satyr: Ok Gweg, this has to be handled delicately. Now, from what we have seen from this mime, his power is in his appendages.
Gweg: Remind me again why I am doing this.
Satyr: We are doing it for science. We are doing it for history. We are doing it to benefit mankind.
Gweg: How will this benefit mankind?
Satyr: By unlocking the mystery of this alien and tapping into his powers, we might find the secrets to curing cancer, or finding a bet fuel resource, or just make life easier for the common man!
Gweg: That all sounds good, but I can't help thinking you have some sort of ulterior motive.
Satyr looked hurt by this comment.
Satyr: How could you even say that? The only reason I am doing this is to help my fellow man!
Gweg: You are a satyr.
Satyr: It's that kind of labeling that sets us back. It's people like you who do not help us wipe out discrimination. Now, pick up that blowtorch and help me cut up this mime to advance mankind!
Gweg picked up the blowtorch and Satyr went to work. Satyr cut off the mime's arm and blood started squirting everywhere.
Gweg: He's bleeding all over my fucking bed!
Satyr: Well then hurry up and cauterize that wound.
Two hours later, they had finished. Satyr piled the disembodied appendages in the corner.
Satyr: Well, the hard part is done. I could go for a McRib right about now.
Gweg: That's disgusting.
Satyr: Yeah well, we need to take a break anyway. It'll be a while until I can figure out how exactly to tap into his power.
Satyr snickered.
Gweg didn't trust that laugh. He went up to the mime's head and put his fingers on his neck to check for a pulse. Gweg found one. The mime opened his mouth and Gweg looked inside and saw something that made him scream at Satyr.
Gweg: He doesn't have a tongue!
Satyr: So what?
Gweg: That means he can't talk! And you told me he said he would kill you if you told anybody he was an alien.
Satyr: Uh, he used telepathy.
Gweg: You lying sack of shit!
Gweg picked up the blowtorch and pointed it a Satyr's face.
Gweg: Tell me what's really going on or I will burn your face off right here and now/
Satyr: Ok! When I went out today, I saw the mime and I got an idea. I told the mime I would pay him 20 dollars if he pretended to attack me with invisible stuff in front of you.
Gweg: To convince me he was an alien?
Satyr: Yes.
Gweg: I take it he didn't know about that part.
Satyr: Yeah. I needed your help to kidnap him and bring him up here so we could cut off his arms and legs.
Gweg: But why?
Satyr: To create the world's first Quadriplegic Mime!
Gweg: I don't even know what words to use to describe how idiotic that is.
Satyr: Think about. A Quadriplegic Mime will draw huge crowds. It's innovation will be the marvel of the world! It will make the cover of Time magazine!
Gweg: How in the hell is a quadriplegic mime supposed to do his act?
Satyr: That's the beauty of it! It's tragically funny.
Gweg: It's tragic all right. Now, we have to do the right thing and put this poor mime out of his misery.
Gweg picked up the hacksaw and went towards the mime's neck. He then heard a voice speaking in his head.
The Voice: Your friend was right. We mimes really are an alien/human race. All we want to do is live peacefully here as we perform our acts on the street. We are not the violent type, but since you and your friends have ruined me, I will now kill the both of you!
Gweg turned to Satyr.
Gweg: How did you do that?
Satyr: Do what?
Gweg: That nifty little trick were you....
But Gweg was cut off by a sound coming from the corner. Gweg and Satyr turned to look and they saw the mime's two arms crawling out from under the legs. After the freed themselves, They stood up on their hands, palms flat to the floor, with the arms sticking straight up.
The bent at the elbows and jumped toward Gweg. The hands opened and they grabbed Gweg at the neck.
Gweg dropped the saw and grabbed at the arms.
Gweg (choking): Get them off of me!
Satyr went towards Gweg, but he felt something hit him in the ass.
He turned around and the mime's legs were standing right in front of him.
One of the legs jumped up at kicked Satyr right in the face.
Satyr: Ow! My fugging node!
Gweg was still struggling with the arms when he noticed the blowtorch. He reached down to get it and turned it on the arms.
It didn't work, they choked Gweg even harder.
The legs kept hitting Satyr.
Satyr: Kill the fugging mime!
Gweg managed to get over by the mime and he knocked him out with the butt of the blowtorch.
The arms and legs fell to the floor.
Satyr: Whad da fug was dad all aboud?
Gweg (gasping): He really was an alien.
Satyr: No shid?
Gweg: Yeah. Now let's get rid of him. All of him.
Satyr and Gweg threw the arms and the legs into the building incinerator.
They took his body out on the boat and took it out into the middle of the lake.
Satyr: Lod od memmoried ad thid lade.
Gweg: Yeah. We almost got killed by the aborted Jesus fetus.
Satyr: Good dimed!
They dumped the body into the lake.
Gweg: Well, I'm glad this is all over. Let's go home.
Four Days Later
Gweg: Come on Satyr, it's time to go grocery shopping!
Satyr: I'm coming.
They drove for a few blocks and then came to a stop. A couple blocks ahead of them, there were a bunch of people walking down the middle of the road.
Satyr: What the hell is this?
Gweg: Looks like a parade. They all seem to be wearing the same thing.
Satyr: But it's not a holiday.
Gweg: Maybe it's a gay pride parade.
Satyr: I don't think so. They wouldn't have one without inviting you.
Gweg: You are a funny guy. Oh shit!
Gweg looked at the crowd with wide eyed. Satyr saw what it was about them that scared Gweg.
They were mimes.
And leading them was a mime pushing a wheelchair. And in the wheelchair, was a quadriplegic mime.
He started talking to Gweg and Satyr through telepathy.
The Quadriplegic Mime: So, you think a little water will kill me huh? It will take more than that! But we'll see what it takes to kill you! Maybe suffocation inside an invisible box! Or how about being strung up by an invisible rope! Or maybe we'll just hack off your arms and legs and beat you to death with them!
Gweg: Last week, if you were to ask me how I was going die, I never would have said "By getting killed by a hundred alien mimes from France being given orders by their quadriplegic leader".
Satyr let out a laugh.
Gweg: I know it sounds funny, but being that is it the actual situation, forgive me if I don't join you.
Satyr: Not that, look over there.
Satyr pointed at a store.
Gweg: The Bath and Body Works?
Satyr: Yes. What is the weakness of the French? Soap.
Satyr and Gweg ran out of the car and into the store.
The mimes gathered outside in front of it. The quadriplegic mime called out to them telepathically.
The QM: Come on out you two! You are only delaying the inevitable!
Satyr: Have it your way!
Satyr and Gweg ran out, liquid soap bottles in hand, and started spraying the mimes.
The mimes started to retreat.
They heard the QM screaming in their heads.
The QM: You may have defeated us this time! But we will have our revenge!
The mimes were gone.
Satyr: Ah good ol' soap.
Gweg: What kind of soap is this anyway? Dues ex machina?
Satyr: What?
Gweg: You know. The "god in the machine". When somebody finds themselves in a situation they can't get out of and something comes out of the blue and saves them, that's known as a deus ex machina.
Satyr: That gives me a wonderful idea.
Gweg: Whatever. Let's get to the store.
The End.
Gweg had finished cleaning and was about to lay down on the couch to do some reading, when Satyr burst through the door.
Gweg: Every fucking time!
Satyr: What?
Gweg: Every time I begin to do something I enjoy, you manage to interrupt it.
Satyr: Well, I'm sorry, but I need your help.
Gweg: What is it now?
Satyr: There is this mime two blocks down the street. And he attacked me.
Gweg: Why would a mime attack you?
Satyr: I found out his secret.
Gweg: What secret?
Satyr: That mimes are really from outer space!
Gweg: Last week you were telling me they were all from France.
Satyr: They are. You see, thousands of years ago, the mimes landed in France. They bred with humans. Now these half breed mimes are plotting to take over the world!
Gweg: You probably read that in the Weekly World News.
Satyr: No I did not. It's true. The mime even talked to me and said if I told anybody, he would kill me.
Gweg: So why did you tell me?
Satyr: Because we are going to go down there and capture him. Then we will perform experiments on him.
Gweg: I have a lot better things to do than to kidnap a mime.
Satyr: Come down with me and I'll prove it. This mime has some sort of Force-like superpower.
Gweg: I suppose you won't go away if I don't?
Satyr: I'm staying right here unless you come down with me.
Gweg: Fine. Show me your Space Mime From Mars.
Satyr led Gweg down the street.
Satyr: There he is. I will approach him slowly.
Satyr started to walk towards the mime slowly, but then he broke out into a run. The mime was doing the "Trapped in a Box" routine, and when Satyr reached the part where the invisible wall was, Satyr stopped as though he smacked right into it and he fell to the ground.
Satyr got up and yelled over to Gweg.
Satyr: See that? He has the power to create invisible things. Like this box!
The mime then started swirling an invisible lasso over his head. He swung it at Satyr. Satyr stood still with his arms at his side and started to struggle. The mime then drew his arm back and Satyr fell flat on his face.
Satyr: Help me Gweg!
The mime then started dribbling a pretend basketball. Satyr managed to get himself up and the mime threw the invisible basketball at Satyr's head.
Satyr's head bounced back as he let out a "Ow!". The mime then reached behind his back drew out an invisible sword.
As the mime approached Satyr, Gweg tackled the mime from behind and dropped him to the ground.
Satyr pulled a syringe out of his pocket and stuck it into the mime's neck.
Satyr: Mr. Mime here is going to be sleeping for a few hours, let's get him to the apartment.
Satyr and Gweg brought the mime back to their apartment. They tied him to the bed. Satyr went out and got a hacksaw and a blowtorch.
Satyr: Ok Gweg, this has to be handled delicately. Now, from what we have seen from this mime, his power is in his appendages.
Gweg: Remind me again why I am doing this.
Satyr: We are doing it for science. We are doing it for history. We are doing it to benefit mankind.
Gweg: How will this benefit mankind?
Satyr: By unlocking the mystery of this alien and tapping into his powers, we might find the secrets to curing cancer, or finding a bet fuel resource, or just make life easier for the common man!
Gweg: That all sounds good, but I can't help thinking you have some sort of ulterior motive.
Satyr looked hurt by this comment.
Satyr: How could you even say that? The only reason I am doing this is to help my fellow man!
Gweg: You are a satyr.
Satyr: It's that kind of labeling that sets us back. It's people like you who do not help us wipe out discrimination. Now, pick up that blowtorch and help me cut up this mime to advance mankind!
Gweg picked up the blowtorch and Satyr went to work. Satyr cut off the mime's arm and blood started squirting everywhere.
Gweg: He's bleeding all over my fucking bed!
Satyr: Well then hurry up and cauterize that wound.
Two hours later, they had finished. Satyr piled the disembodied appendages in the corner.
Satyr: Well, the hard part is done. I could go for a McRib right about now.
Gweg: That's disgusting.
Satyr: Yeah well, we need to take a break anyway. It'll be a while until I can figure out how exactly to tap into his power.
Satyr snickered.
Gweg didn't trust that laugh. He went up to the mime's head and put his fingers on his neck to check for a pulse. Gweg found one. The mime opened his mouth and Gweg looked inside and saw something that made him scream at Satyr.
Gweg: He doesn't have a tongue!
Satyr: So what?
Gweg: That means he can't talk! And you told me he said he would kill you if you told anybody he was an alien.
Satyr: Uh, he used telepathy.
Gweg: You lying sack of shit!
Gweg picked up the blowtorch and pointed it a Satyr's face.
Gweg: Tell me what's really going on or I will burn your face off right here and now/
Satyr: Ok! When I went out today, I saw the mime and I got an idea. I told the mime I would pay him 20 dollars if he pretended to attack me with invisible stuff in front of you.
Gweg: To convince me he was an alien?
Satyr: Yes.
Gweg: I take it he didn't know about that part.
Satyr: Yeah. I needed your help to kidnap him and bring him up here so we could cut off his arms and legs.
Gweg: But why?
Satyr: To create the world's first Quadriplegic Mime!
Gweg: I don't even know what words to use to describe how idiotic that is.
Satyr: Think about. A Quadriplegic Mime will draw huge crowds. It's innovation will be the marvel of the world! It will make the cover of Time magazine!
Gweg: How in the hell is a quadriplegic mime supposed to do his act?
Satyr: That's the beauty of it! It's tragically funny.
Gweg: It's tragic all right. Now, we have to do the right thing and put this poor mime out of his misery.
Gweg picked up the hacksaw and went towards the mime's neck. He then heard a voice speaking in his head.
The Voice: Your friend was right. We mimes really are an alien/human race. All we want to do is live peacefully here as we perform our acts on the street. We are not the violent type, but since you and your friends have ruined me, I will now kill the both of you!
Gweg turned to Satyr.
Gweg: How did you do that?
Satyr: Do what?
Gweg: That nifty little trick were you....
But Gweg was cut off by a sound coming from the corner. Gweg and Satyr turned to look and they saw the mime's two arms crawling out from under the legs. After the freed themselves, They stood up on their hands, palms flat to the floor, with the arms sticking straight up.
The bent at the elbows and jumped toward Gweg. The hands opened and they grabbed Gweg at the neck.
Gweg dropped the saw and grabbed at the arms.
Gweg (choking): Get them off of me!
Satyr went towards Gweg, but he felt something hit him in the ass.
He turned around and the mime's legs were standing right in front of him.
One of the legs jumped up at kicked Satyr right in the face.
Satyr: Ow! My fugging node!
Gweg was still struggling with the arms when he noticed the blowtorch. He reached down to get it and turned it on the arms.
It didn't work, they choked Gweg even harder.
The legs kept hitting Satyr.
Satyr: Kill the fugging mime!
Gweg managed to get over by the mime and he knocked him out with the butt of the blowtorch.
The arms and legs fell to the floor.
Satyr: Whad da fug was dad all aboud?
Gweg (gasping): He really was an alien.
Satyr: No shid?
Gweg: Yeah. Now let's get rid of him. All of him.
Satyr and Gweg threw the arms and the legs into the building incinerator.
They took his body out on the boat and took it out into the middle of the lake.
Satyr: Lod od memmoried ad thid lade.
Gweg: Yeah. We almost got killed by the aborted Jesus fetus.
Satyr: Good dimed!
They dumped the body into the lake.
Gweg: Well, I'm glad this is all over. Let's go home.
Four Days Later
Gweg: Come on Satyr, it's time to go grocery shopping!
Satyr: I'm coming.
They drove for a few blocks and then came to a stop. A couple blocks ahead of them, there were a bunch of people walking down the middle of the road.
Satyr: What the hell is this?
Gweg: Looks like a parade. They all seem to be wearing the same thing.
Satyr: But it's not a holiday.
Gweg: Maybe it's a gay pride parade.
Satyr: I don't think so. They wouldn't have one without inviting you.
Gweg: You are a funny guy. Oh shit!
Gweg looked at the crowd with wide eyed. Satyr saw what it was about them that scared Gweg.
They were mimes.
And leading them was a mime pushing a wheelchair. And in the wheelchair, was a quadriplegic mime.
He started talking to Gweg and Satyr through telepathy.
The Quadriplegic Mime: So, you think a little water will kill me huh? It will take more than that! But we'll see what it takes to kill you! Maybe suffocation inside an invisible box! Or how about being strung up by an invisible rope! Or maybe we'll just hack off your arms and legs and beat you to death with them!
Gweg: Last week, if you were to ask me how I was going die, I never would have said "By getting killed by a hundred alien mimes from France being given orders by their quadriplegic leader".
Satyr let out a laugh.
Gweg: I know it sounds funny, but being that is it the actual situation, forgive me if I don't join you.
Satyr: Not that, look over there.
Satyr pointed at a store.
Gweg: The Bath and Body Works?
Satyr: Yes. What is the weakness of the French? Soap.
Satyr and Gweg ran out of the car and into the store.
The mimes gathered outside in front of it. The quadriplegic mime called out to them telepathically.
The QM: Come on out you two! You are only delaying the inevitable!
Satyr: Have it your way!
Satyr and Gweg ran out, liquid soap bottles in hand, and started spraying the mimes.
The mimes started to retreat.
They heard the QM screaming in their heads.
The QM: You may have defeated us this time! But we will have our revenge!
The mimes were gone.
Satyr: Ah good ol' soap.
Gweg: What kind of soap is this anyway? Dues ex machina?
Satyr: What?
Gweg: You know. The "god in the machine". When somebody finds themselves in a situation they can't get out of and something comes out of the blue and saves them, that's known as a deus ex machina.
Satyr: That gives me a wonderful idea.
Gweg: Whatever. Let's get to the store.
The End.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Saturday, November 05, 2005
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