The Double Date

Gweg has had a bad day. He needed to do a lot of research on the internet the night before, but Satyr would not budge from the computer. When Gweg got up, Satyr was still on the computer.

Gweg decided to go to an Internet Cafe. He ordered a drink and sat down at a computer.

Things would have been fine, but there were two girls at another computer, pointing at Gweg, looking at their monitor, and giggling loudly.

After five minutes of it, Gweg had enough.

Gweg: Excuse me, but what is so funny?

Girl #1: Well, we have never seen one of you guys before in real life.

Gweg: What are you talking about?

Girl #2: Hee Hee!. You know, a Date 'Em & Rate 'Em.com guy.

Gweg looked at their screen. He saw a very bad photo of himself next to his personal information.

Gweg immediately knew who put it on the site.

Gweg: I am going to kill that hairy legged motherfucker!

Gweg stormed out of the Cafe.

Girl #1: He's never going to get a date with a temper like that.

Girl #2: I'd do him.

Girl #1: You'd do anybody that gave you a jar of Cheez Whiz.


Gweg burst into his apartment and went right up to Satyr, who was still at the computer.

Gweg: Just what in the hell is Date 'Em & Rate 'Em.com?

Satyr: Uh, you weren't supposed to find out about that.

Gweg: Well I did. Now, tell me what it is!

Satyr: All right. It's a dating service that sets you up with singles in your area. After your date is over, you can rate the person on a scale of 1 through 10. You can also add a brief description on how the date went. It's quite ingenious.

Gweg: Thank you Captain Shill. Now explain why I'm on that site.

Satyr: Because you need a woman, Gweg. I've seen how sad and lonely you are. And I know you've been watching Scinemax late at night.

Gweg: How in the hell do you know that!?!?

Satyr: Well, since I didn't pay for a satellite box of my own, I just spliced of yours. And for some odd reason, I can only watch what you're watching. And you, my friend, have been watching a little too much E! For my taste.

Gweg: That's not the point, the point is, You put up an unauthorized profile of me on that site and I want it taken down!

Satyr: But it's already been a success! You already got an email from some chick.

Gweg: Really? What did she...Wait a sec, you've been getting into my email?

Satyr: Uh yeah, but it's been for emergency purposes only.

Gweg: I can hear the cops now, "Justifiable Homicide"....Yeah, that's what they'll call it.

Satyr: Uh, yeah...Anyway, sit down and read her letter.

Gweg looked at Satyr and whispered "Justifiable Homicide" to himself and sat at the computer desk. He got into his email and pulled up the message.


Dear Gweggy Poo,
How R U? I sust may, when I saw your pic, I was instantly attracted 2U. U R sooo cute and sexy! How about meeting me 2Nite @ Chez La Chien @ 8PM

You'll know who I am by looking @ my profile

xoxoxoxo
Dyslexic Anorexic

PS....Don't worry, I'm a cheap date


Gweg: Gweggy-Poo?

Satyr: Yeah, that's the screen name I gave you.

Before Gweg could say something, Satyr reached down and grabbed the mouse.

Satyr: Here, let me bring up her profile. There! See, isn't she hot?

Gweg: She looks like somebody drew over a skull with a peach colored crayon.

Satyr: Well, you know how these pics on the net are. Anyway, there is no need to thank me Gweg, I did this all out of the kindness of my heart. You are my best pal and it's my number one priority to look out for you.

Gweg: Thank you?!?! Because of you, I now have to go on a date with a dyslexic anorexic.

Satyr: Well I'm sorry Gweg! I'm sorry that we can't all be perfect like you! I try to do something nice and you don't appreciate it at all.

Satyr startedto cry.

Gweg: All right. It's not the end of the world. But she really isn't my type. I'll just email her back and say "no thanks".

Satyr: You can't. She will give you a bad rating and trust me, you don't want that.

Gweg: Why not? Besides, I'm not a big fan of dating sites anyway.

Satyr: If you ever want to meet a woman your type, you need to go on this date. Trust me, Date 'em & Rate 'Em.com is a very popular site in this town.

Gweg: Fine, I'll go on the date. I guess it couldn't be all that bad.




Gweg arrived at the restaurant a 7:45 PM.

Gweg walked into the lobby and saw a skeleton wearing something that resembled skin and a red dress and top. It also had short brown hair. Gweg knew it was Dyslexic Anorexic. She smiled at Gweg and began to talk.


Dyslexic: Hi Pweggy-Goo! I'm so glad you could make it.

Gweg thought, "Nice, already off to a great start."

They went up to the Host.

Dyslexic: Hello. Reservation for Lohan.

Host: Alright, follow me.

The Host took them to their table.

Gweg: So, is Lohan your real name?

Dyslexic: Nah. She's just my hero. Who's your hero?

Gweg: Stephen Hawking.

Dyslexic: Oooh. He writes a lot of scary stuff.

Gweg: Uhh, I don't think it's that scary.

Dyslexic: What about that one about the clown. That scown was real clary!

Gweg realized that she was talking about Stephen King. He didn't bother to correct her.

Gweg: Yeah, it sure was.

Dyslexic: Cim Turry played the clown in the movie. I still have nightmares about him.

Gweg: I felt the same way after I watched The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Dyslexic: The what?

Gweg: Never mind.

There was an uncomfortable silence. Gweg was starting to get hungry.

Gweg: So, should we order?

Dyslexic: Well we should wait until they get here.

Gweg: Who?

Dyslexic: You know....oh, there they are now!

Gweg turned to see who was coming. Gweg couldn't honestly say he was surprised to see Satyr heading his way. He was accompanied by a sick looking young black woman.

Satyr and the woman sat down at the table.

Satyr: Ha ha Gweg! Now you didn't think I'd let you have all the fun tonight?

Gweg: Of course not.

Satyr: And where are my manners? Gweg, I'd like you to meet my date tonight, Anemic Bulimic.

Gweg shook her hand.

Anemic: Charmed I'm sure. Now, what kind of grub does this place have?

She picked up a menu and read through it.

Anemic: Well, this shit looks great. I bet it tastes good going down and coming back up.

Satyr and Dyslexic Anorexic gave out a laugh.

Satyr: Well, I have heard nothing but great reviews on this place.

Anemic: I gotta say, when I saw your profile, I thought you were trying to be funny with those horns on your head. You know, "virtual satyr" and all. I didn't know you were going to be an actual satyr!

Satyr: Well, I expected a fat white chick, so there ya go.

Anemic: See D.A., I told you this cat was funny.

Dyslexic: You sure did A.B.

They ordered their drinks and talked for a while before ordering their food. After they ordered, Gweg stood up.

Gweg: I need to use the restroom. Satyr, would you like to come with me.

Satyr: You're a big boy, I think you can handle it.

Gweg: I would really appreciate it if you came with me.

Satyr: Well, excuse us ladies. D.A., I should let you know now that Gweg needs more than two hands when holding up his fire hose.

He gave D.A. a wink and the two women laughed. Gweg and Satyr went to the restroom.

Gweg: All right Satyr! Tell me the truth now! What's really going on tonight.

Satyr: Fine. I put my profile up on the site last night. I tried to go to bed after you went to bed, but I was too anxious to sleep. So I stayed up on the computer waiting for an email. I finally got one this morning from the Anemic Bulimic. She agreed to go on a date with me, but she wanted me to get a date for her friend. So I put your profile up and she sent it to the Dyslexic Anorexic. She told her to email you and ask you out on a date.

Gweg: I knew it! I knew that all of this didn't happen by chance!

Satyr: Yes Gweg! Your paranoia is right again! You must get a hell of an orgasm from all of the mental masturbation your mind does when it finds out it's right!

Gweg: I should smack you.

Satyr: You don't understand, I need this. I'm a satyr! I'm supposed to be getting laid all of the time! But those powers were stripped from me. I have nothing! I have to slip Spanish Fly into your drink every night just to make sure you turn on some skin flick before you go to sleep!

Gweg: You've been doing what!

Satyr: I wouldn't have to do it if we moved the computer to a more secluded area. I'd do the hand jive to the porn on there, but I'm afraid you'll walk in on me.

Gweg: Spanish Fly? That stuff doesn't work!

Satyr: I don't use some cheap sex shop crap. The stuff I use is a secret satyr recipe. And don't think I won't slip it into the girl's drinks, because I already have.

Gweg: Oh, that's just fantastic.

Gweg and Satyr went back out to their table.

Anemic: Let's hurry up and eat. I gettin the urge to do something nasty.

Dyslexic: I seel the fame.

They ate as fast as they could, except for Gweg. After they were done, they went to Anemic's apartment.

Anemic: You boys just sit on that couch there and enjoy the little show we got planned for you.

Satyr and Gweg sat on the couch. The Anemic Bulimic and the Dyslexic Anorexic moved closer to each other.

Anemic: Be careful D.A., remember what happened the last time.

Dyslexic: I know.

The two girls started making out with each other. D.A. Was getting into some really heavy tongue action, but then she seemed to have gone too far. A.B.'s eyes went wide, her throat started to spasm and she through her head back, and then barfed all over the D.A.'s body and into her open mouth.

Satyr: Oh my fucking god!

Satyr and Gweg got up from the couch and bolted out the door. They got into their cars and headed straight home.

When they got inside, Satyr looked at Gweg with a revolted look on his face.

Satyr: Let's never speak of what we just saw ever again.

Gweg: Agreed.


Gweg took a shower and went to bed. When he got up, Satyr was at the computer.

Gweg: Well, did you get a bad review at Date 'Em & Rate 'Em.com?

Satyr: I don't know. I took down my profile. But I left yours up and they didn't rate you yet. However, you got another email.

Gweg scowled at Satyr and sat down at the desk.

It was another request for a date. It seemed basic enough, but Gweg was perplexed by the odd request for him to bring Cheez Whiz.

Fetus Christ

Gweg couldn't get any sleep. All night he could hear strange noises coming from Satyr's room. Hammering, drilling, sawing, and cursing. Gweg didn't know what Satyr was up to nor did he care. He just wanted some sleep.

Finally, around 6AM, the noise stopped. Unfortunately for Gweg, Satyr came bursting into his room 20 minutes later.

Satyr: Gweg, come quick! You have got to see this!

Gweg: God damn it! I need to get some sleep. You kept me awake all night with that racket, now leave me alone!

Satyr: This is extremely important and it will change our lives! I promise you, if you are not in complete awe from what I have to show you, I will leave you alone for the rest of the week.

Gweg: Let's go.

Satyr led Gweg to his room. When Satyr opened the door, Gweg could see their refrigerator in the middle of Satyr's room.

Gweg: Why is our fridge in your room?

Satyr: I turned it into a time machine!

Gweg: I'm going back to bed. I'll see you in a week. And you'd better have the fridge back out in the kitchen before I wake up.

Satyr: You're not going anywhere. Except back in time.

Gweg: I'm not even going to bother telling you that whatever plan you have working in your head is going to fail.

Satyr: Just watch.

Satyr opened up the door to the fridge. Inside were a bunch of gadgets and tubing. There were two digital clocks attached to the inside of the door.

Satyr: Now, when we go to another period in time, we can only stay their for so long. The top clock shows us where we are going and the bottom clock shows us when we will get back. We have no choice in the matter, the computer calculates the time and whisks us back when it's ready.

Gweg: Where in the hell did you figure all of this out?

Satyr: There was a special about it on Dateline.

Gweg: I'm going to regret asking this, but what do you plan to do?

Satyr: We are going to go back in time and give the Virgin Mary an abortion.

Gweg: You are fucking crazy!

Satyr: Think about it. No more organized religion. This is our dream come true. Everything will change. If this is successful, we won't be living in this drab apartment anymore, that's for sure.

Gweg: Tell me what I need to do.


Satyr set the clock. The computer calculated that they would have exactly ten minutes to get the job done.

Satyr: That should be plenty of time. Let's make sure we got everything before we go. clothes hanger?

Gweg: Check.

Satyr: All right, that should do it. Let's go.

Satyr and Gweg stepped into the fridge. It transported them right to where they needed to be. The arrived right next to a sleeping Virgin Mary. She seemed to be in her fifth month of her pregnancy.

Satyr: All right Gweg, give me the clothes hanger.

Gweg handed it to him. Satyr straightened it out and went to work. Mary woke up screaming and went running.

Satyr: Dirty work, butt somebody had to do it.

Gweg: It's a good thing I'm already in Hell.

Satyr: Yeah that whole getting killed over and over again by the same person had to suck...Wait a second, did you hear that?

Gweg: Hear what?

Satyr: It was kind of a rustling.

Gweg: Yeah now I hear it. What the? Look over there!

Gweg pointed to a strange little object moving toward them on the ground. Satyr knew what it was immediately.

Satyr: Fetus Christ!!!

Yes, the thing was the aborted Jesus Christ. It started moving toward them again at an uncanny speed.

Satyr: We still got 3 minutes left until we are transported back!

Gweg: What are we going to do?

Fetus Christ jumped at Satyr, landing on his face.

Satyr: Get it off of me!

Gweg reached for a stick on the ground and started hitting Fetus Christ with it. Gweg knocked it off, but he still kept on hitting.

Satyr: Stop (ow) it. (ow) You are (ow) hitting (ow) me!

Gweg: Oh, my bad.

Satyr: Fuck it's coming back, but we have ten seconds left.

Gweg: I'll be glad when this is over.

Fetus Christ jumped at them again, but at the same time, they were transported back into Satyr's room.

Satyr: Well, that was fun.

Gweg: Yeah, it sure was.

Gweg looked over the time machine.

Gweg: Let's destroy this thing.

Satyr: But my lunch is in there.


They took apart the time machine. Satyr was sad to see all of his work destroyed, but Gweg couldn't have been happier.

Gweg: All right, let's go see what we changed.

Satyr and Gweg went to the nearest church.

Satyr: What the hell? The till have the crucifix up on the wall. There's a bible, look in it and see what it says.

Gweg picked up the bible and started reading the New Testament.

Gweg: Nothing has changed in here either.

Satyr: What in the hell went wrong?

Voice From Behind: Perhaps I can answer that.

Satyr and Gweg turned around. To their surprise, Fetus Christ stood their in front of them.

Satyr: No fucking way!

Fetus Christ: Yes fucking way. You see, being the son of god has it's benefits. Even though you ended my life in the womb, I was still allowed to live on.

Satyr: But nothing has changed. It still says you died on the cross.

Fetus Christ: No, I remained hidden until today. You see, Mary really wanted a child, so she kidnapped one and raised it as though it would have been me. That is the famous Jesus everyone knows and loves.

Gweg: But how did he get all of your powers? The turning water into wine and all that jazz?

Fetus Christ: Bah, the church turned his simple boring stories into fantastic ones. He never did all that stuff. He certainly never returned from dead 3 days later. That's all myth.

Satyr: But you were supposed to do all of that stuff before we aborted you. How can the exact same thing be pinned on him?

Fetus Christ: You're thinking "Back To The Future". You should be thinking "Prisoner of Azkaban".

Satyr & Gweg: Ahhh.

Fetus Christ: But I'm not here to discuss history and the physics of time. I'm here for revenge!

Fetus Christ leapt at Satyr and attached himself to his face. Gweg ripped him off.

Satyr: Run!

Satyr and Gweg took off in hot pursuit. Fetus Christ remained closely behind.

Satyr: We need to split up. I go left and you go right. He'll follow me. When we are away, go to the hardware store.

Gweg: And do what?

Satyr: Get a nail gun.

So, Satyr and Gweg split up, and sure enough, Fetus Christ continued to follow Satyr.

Gweg ran for tow more blocks and the headed to the hardware store.

Satyr kept on running. He came to the lake in the middle of the city. Satyr knocked a man down who was getting ready to get into his boat.

Satyr: Sorry bud, but this is an emergency.

Satyr started rowing away from the dock. He saw Fetus Christ approach the water.

Satyr: You'll never get me now, Spawn of Satan!

But to Satyr's horror, Fetus Christ started walking on the water.

Satyr: Ah shit, I forgot about that.

Satyr saw somebody on the shore. It was Gweg!

Gweg: I got it!

Satyr started rowing back to the shore. Fetus Christ walked up to the boat.

Fetus Christ: Forgive me Father for what I am about to do.

But before he could do anything, Satyr swung an oar at him and knocked back20 feet.

Satyr laughed and made it to the shore.

Satyr: Quick give me the gun.

Fetus Christ recovered himself and walked to the shore. As he started going toward Satyr and Gweg, Satyr aimed the nail gun.

Satyr: No last supper for you, you son of a bitch!

Satyr pulled the trigger. A nail caught Fetus Christ right in his developing heart. Fetus Christ fell to the ground, dying.

Fetus Christ: Satyr, why have you foresaken me?

Satyr raised up his hoof and brought it down on Fetus Christ's head.

Satyr then scooped the body up in his arms.

Gweg: What are you going to do with that?

Satyr: This is the aborted fetus of the real Jesus Christ. What do you think I'm going to do with it? I'm going to sell it on EBay.

THE END