Fetus Christ

Gweg couldn't get any sleep. All night he could hear strange noises coming from Satyr's room. Hammering, drilling, sawing, and cursing. Gweg didn't know what Satyr was up to nor did he care. He just wanted some sleep.

Finally, around 6AM, the noise stopped. Unfortunately for Gweg, Satyr came bursting into his room 20 minutes later.

Satyr: Gweg, come quick! You have got to see this!

Gweg: God damn it! I need to get some sleep. You kept me awake all night with that racket, now leave me alone!

Satyr: This is extremely important and it will change our lives! I promise you, if you are not in complete awe from what I have to show you, I will leave you alone for the rest of the week.

Gweg: Let's go.

Satyr led Gweg to his room. When Satyr opened the door, Gweg could see their refrigerator in the middle of Satyr's room.

Gweg: Why is our fridge in your room?

Satyr: I turned it into a time machine!

Gweg: I'm going back to bed. I'll see you in a week. And you'd better have the fridge back out in the kitchen before I wake up.

Satyr: You're not going anywhere. Except back in time.

Gweg: I'm not even going to bother telling you that whatever plan you have working in your head is going to fail.

Satyr: Just watch.

Satyr opened up the door to the fridge. Inside were a bunch of gadgets and tubing. There were two digital clocks attached to the inside of the door.

Satyr: Now, when we go to another period in time, we can only stay their for so long. The top clock shows us where we are going and the bottom clock shows us when we will get back. We have no choice in the matter, the computer calculates the time and whisks us back when it's ready.

Gweg: Where in the hell did you figure all of this out?

Satyr: There was a special about it on Dateline.

Gweg: I'm going to regret asking this, but what do you plan to do?

Satyr: We are going to go back in time and give the Virgin Mary an abortion.

Gweg: You are fucking crazy!

Satyr: Think about it. No more organized religion. This is our dream come true. Everything will change. If this is successful, we won't be living in this drab apartment anymore, that's for sure.

Gweg: Tell me what I need to do.


Satyr set the clock. The computer calculated that they would have exactly ten minutes to get the job done.

Satyr: That should be plenty of time. Let's make sure we got everything before we go. clothes hanger?

Gweg: Check.

Satyr: All right, that should do it. Let's go.

Satyr and Gweg stepped into the fridge. It transported them right to where they needed to be. The arrived right next to a sleeping Virgin Mary. She seemed to be in her fifth month of her pregnancy.

Satyr: All right Gweg, give me the clothes hanger.

Gweg handed it to him. Satyr straightened it out and went to work. Mary woke up screaming and went running.

Satyr: Dirty work, butt somebody had to do it.

Gweg: It's a good thing I'm already in Hell.

Satyr: Yeah that whole getting killed over and over again by the same person had to suck...Wait a second, did you hear that?

Gweg: Hear what?

Satyr: It was kind of a rustling.

Gweg: Yeah now I hear it. What the? Look over there!

Gweg pointed to a strange little object moving toward them on the ground. Satyr knew what it was immediately.

Satyr: Fetus Christ!!!

Yes, the thing was the aborted Jesus Christ. It started moving toward them again at an uncanny speed.

Satyr: We still got 3 minutes left until we are transported back!

Gweg: What are we going to do?

Fetus Christ jumped at Satyr, landing on his face.

Satyr: Get it off of me!

Gweg reached for a stick on the ground and started hitting Fetus Christ with it. Gweg knocked it off, but he still kept on hitting.

Satyr: Stop (ow) it. (ow) You are (ow) hitting (ow) me!

Gweg: Oh, my bad.

Satyr: Fuck it's coming back, but we have ten seconds left.

Gweg: I'll be glad when this is over.

Fetus Christ jumped at them again, but at the same time, they were transported back into Satyr's room.

Satyr: Well, that was fun.

Gweg: Yeah, it sure was.

Gweg looked over the time machine.

Gweg: Let's destroy this thing.

Satyr: But my lunch is in there.


They took apart the time machine. Satyr was sad to see all of his work destroyed, but Gweg couldn't have been happier.

Gweg: All right, let's go see what we changed.

Satyr and Gweg went to the nearest church.

Satyr: What the hell? The till have the crucifix up on the wall. There's a bible, look in it and see what it says.

Gweg picked up the bible and started reading the New Testament.

Gweg: Nothing has changed in here either.

Satyr: What in the hell went wrong?

Voice From Behind: Perhaps I can answer that.

Satyr and Gweg turned around. To their surprise, Fetus Christ stood their in front of them.

Satyr: No fucking way!

Fetus Christ: Yes fucking way. You see, being the son of god has it's benefits. Even though you ended my life in the womb, I was still allowed to live on.

Satyr: But nothing has changed. It still says you died on the cross.

Fetus Christ: No, I remained hidden until today. You see, Mary really wanted a child, so she kidnapped one and raised it as though it would have been me. That is the famous Jesus everyone knows and loves.

Gweg: But how did he get all of your powers? The turning water into wine and all that jazz?

Fetus Christ: Bah, the church turned his simple boring stories into fantastic ones. He never did all that stuff. He certainly never returned from dead 3 days later. That's all myth.

Satyr: But you were supposed to do all of that stuff before we aborted you. How can the exact same thing be pinned on him?

Fetus Christ: You're thinking "Back To The Future". You should be thinking "Prisoner of Azkaban".

Satyr & Gweg: Ahhh.

Fetus Christ: But I'm not here to discuss history and the physics of time. I'm here for revenge!

Fetus Christ leapt at Satyr and attached himself to his face. Gweg ripped him off.

Satyr: Run!

Satyr and Gweg took off in hot pursuit. Fetus Christ remained closely behind.

Satyr: We need to split up. I go left and you go right. He'll follow me. When we are away, go to the hardware store.

Gweg: And do what?

Satyr: Get a nail gun.

So, Satyr and Gweg split up, and sure enough, Fetus Christ continued to follow Satyr.

Gweg ran for tow more blocks and the headed to the hardware store.

Satyr kept on running. He came to the lake in the middle of the city. Satyr knocked a man down who was getting ready to get into his boat.

Satyr: Sorry bud, but this is an emergency.

Satyr started rowing away from the dock. He saw Fetus Christ approach the water.

Satyr: You'll never get me now, Spawn of Satan!

But to Satyr's horror, Fetus Christ started walking on the water.

Satyr: Ah shit, I forgot about that.

Satyr saw somebody on the shore. It was Gweg!

Gweg: I got it!

Satyr started rowing back to the shore. Fetus Christ walked up to the boat.

Fetus Christ: Forgive me Father for what I am about to do.

But before he could do anything, Satyr swung an oar at him and knocked back20 feet.

Satyr laughed and made it to the shore.

Satyr: Quick give me the gun.

Fetus Christ recovered himself and walked to the shore. As he started going toward Satyr and Gweg, Satyr aimed the nail gun.

Satyr: No last supper for you, you son of a bitch!

Satyr pulled the trigger. A nail caught Fetus Christ right in his developing heart. Fetus Christ fell to the ground, dying.

Fetus Christ: Satyr, why have you foresaken me?

Satyr raised up his hoof and brought it down on Fetus Christ's head.

Satyr then scooped the body up in his arms.

Gweg: What are you going to do with that?

Satyr: This is the aborted fetus of the real Jesus Christ. What do you think I'm going to do with it? I'm going to sell it on EBay.

THE END