Gweg Watches TV.

The week had been going so well for Gweg, but a phone call on Friday changed all of that.

The Fair was in town and Satyr was spending his nights there. Despite Satyr trying his best to convince Gweg to go, Gweg stayed home those nights. It was in Gweg's best interest not to be seen in public with Satyr. For quite a while now, Gweg had been getting strange looks from people wherever he went, although he couldn't prove it, he knew it had something to do with Satyr.

The first two nights of the fair, Satyr would come home exhausted and go straight to bed. Gweg was thanking God for the Fair.

On Wednesday, Satyr came home excited.

Satyr: Quick Gweg, get a bowl!

Satyr came rushing into the apartment holding a plastic bag. The bag contained water and a goldfish.

Gweg saw what Satyr was holding and rolled his eyes. He went to the kitchen and got a good sized bowl, one of Satyr's. (Gweg made sure they had their own separate kitchen bowls, glasses, plates, and silverware.)

Gweg brought the bowl out to the living room and sat it on the coffee table.
Satyr poured the water and the goldfish into the bowl and looked at them like a proud father who's wife had just given birth to a boy.

Satyr: So, what do you think Gweg?

Gweg looked at the bowl and the fish with the same amount of enthusiasm a death row inmate would have after he was told his execution would be scheduled a day earlier than originally thought.

Gweg: It's a goldfish.

Satyr rolled his eyes at Gweg's ignorance.

Satyr: This is not just any old goldfish, Gweg. This goldfish happens to be first prize in a ring toss game.

Gweg: Good job. You managed to defeat a rigged game to win a useless prize that will be flushed down the toilet a few days from now.

Satyr: Gweg, do you honestly think the fair is going to give away ordinary goldfish as a first prize. I had to toss ten rings over the bowl to get this fish. If they just handed me over some regular fish, I would be pissed. But this fish is something special.

Satyr pulled one of the rings out of his pocket.

Gweg: Wow, they let you keep one of the rings too. The Fair just keeps getting more generous year after year.

Satyr: Just be quiet. He needs absolute silence for this.

Satyr held the ring above the bowl with the goldfish in it. The goldfish jumped out of the bowl, went through the ring, and fell back into the bowl.

Satyr: Taa-daa!

Gweg lightly clapped his hands together in a mock applause.

Gweg: That was the most exciting thing I have ever seen. I can't wait to tell all of my friends.

Satyr was hurt by Gweg's non-appreciation for his new pet's trick.

Satyr: You don't have friends. Now, apologize to Flipsy.

Gweg shook his head.

Gweg: I don't have time for this nonsense. I'm going to bed. I've got to get up early tomorrow because I'm going out of town to meet some people.

Gweg walk to his room. Before going in, he looked back at Satyr, shook his head and rolled his eyes, and said one last thing to Satyr in a sardonic tone.

Gweg: Flipsy.

Satyr got on his computer and let the rage flow through his fingers and onto the keyboard. If Gweg only knew what has been going on the past six months, he wouldn't be so mocking of Satyr, that's for sure. He would be begging for Satyr to stop, but Satyr would only laugh at Gweg and then kick him in the balls for good measure.

Satyr was done typing and looked at what he wrote. He was pleased.


The next day, Gweg arrived home from his meeting sometime in the evening. Gweg was not pleased to find a very big fish tank in the living room.

Flipsy was the only fish in the tank.

Gweg looked at the tank with much disapproval. Especially since Satyr moved Gweg's bookshelf and put the tank in it's place.

An hour later Satyr arrived home, carrying a few shopping bags in his hands.

Gweg: Why in the hell did you buy this gigantic fish tank for one fucking fish!

Satyr: Keep your voice down Gweg, Flipsy will hear you. Flipsy needs all of the room he can get.

Satyr sat his bags down next to the tank and took out a bunch of fish food.

Satyr: Only the best for Flipsy.

Satyr put the food in cabinet that the tank sat on. He turned to Gweg.

Satyr: I'm going to need a favor from you. I'm going to be out of town for a next few days for a meeting.

Gweg: What the hell, you copying me now?

Satyr: Fuck you Gweg. You are not the only one with a life outside of the apartment. I'll have you know, that I have been doing some great work the past several months. I'm what's known in the business as a "creative talent". I'm in demand. And I'll be out of state until Tuesday. You see, my creation is getting licensed and I'll be making a lot more money.

Gweg: What creation?

Satyr just laughed and went to his room. A few minutes later, he came out with a piece of paper.

Satyr handed it to Gweg.

Satyr: This is Flipsy's feeding schedule.

Gweg looked it over.

Gweg: Oh come one! I have to get up at 3 AM to feed your stupid fish.

Satyr went to the fish tank and opened the top to talk into it.

Satyr: He didn't mean that Flipsy. You are the smartest fish in the whole word. Here Flipsy, do your thing.

Satyr grabbed Flipsy's new hoop. It was gold colored and had Flipsy's name engraved in it. Satyr held it above the tank and Flipsy jumped through it.

Satyr: You are the best fish in the whole world, yes you are. Here's your special treat.

Gweg watched this with disinterest. He was thinking that feeding a stupid fish was a small price to pay to get rid of Satyr for a few days.

Satyr: Do you understand that chart? Do you think you are able to perform the resposibilities asked of you?

Gweg: I think I can handle it.

Satyr: Good.

Satyr went back to his room to pack.

Friday.

Satyr left for the airport around noon. Gweg secretly hoped there would be some Saudis with boxcutters on Satyr's flight. Scratch that, Gweg thought it would be better if the plane had a bunch of snakes on it, yeah, that would be more poetic, but Gweg knew he couldn't get that lucky.

Despite the fish tank and the stupid fish, this week went surprisingly well for Gweg. He could hardly believe his luck. With Satyr gone now for a few days, things seemed to good to be true. Gweg knew his luck wouldn't last.

Later that night, Gweg got the call.

"Hello, this is Gweg."

"Hey Gweg, this is Frank, we met at the meeting a couple of days ago."

"Ah, yes, hello Frank, what can I do for you?"

"Well, curiosity is getting the best of me you could say, and I just need to know something."

Gweg found this statement a little odd, but dismissed that thought until he found out more.

"Ok, what do you need to know?"

"That cartoon is based off of you right? I mean, the name, the likeness, it's too much of a coincidence."

"What cartoon?"

"Oh, you don't know what I'm talking about?"

"No. What cartoon?"

"Well Gweg, there is this morning show on the Kid's Network called Randy's Funhouse, and everyday, they feature a cartoon. It's supposed to be some moral safety type cartoon, but it's a little too graphic for my taste, but my kids love it."

"When's it on?"

"Every weekday at 8:30 AM. But, when I met you, you reminded me so much of the cartoon, and even the name is the same."

"What's the name of the cartoon?"

Frank said two words and Gweg hung up the phone. Gweg knew Frank was right, it was too much of a coincidence.

Gweg knew that if his hunch was right, there was going to be one dead satyr on Tuesday.

Gweg's anger clouded his common sense, so it never occurred to him to look up the show on the internet.

Gweg spent the weekend trying his best not to keep the cartoon on his mind. He fed Flipsy according to the schedule.

Monday arrived.

Gweg turned on the TV and found the program.

What he saw on TV was a bit surreal.

Randy's Funhouse was set in a treehouse. But inside the treehouse it looked like a mansion.

There was a big screen TV, an entire wall that was an aquarium, miniature planes, helicopters, trains, and cars moving around everywhere.

The only furniture was bean bags that had different designs on them.

Randy, the host of the show, was one of the freakiest characters Gweg had ever laid eyes on. Randy wore a two foot tall black and white top hat, that had two motorized penguins skating on it. He wore a purple coat that went down to his ankles. He wore a white shirt that had two cartoon kids on it looking at a skinny cartoon clown with a caption reading, "This Clown Ain't Big Enough For The Both Of Us!". Randy's pants had pockets on almost every square inch of them and they were all a different color.

Randy spoke to the camera with an awful English accent..

Randy: Heya kids! It's time once again for Randy's Funhouse!

The scene cut to five children climbing into the funhouse. When the kids all got inside, Randy started playing a song on a trombone and the kids danced.

10 minutes of kooky nonsense went by. Finally, Gweg saw what he was waiting for.

Randy had heard a scratching at the door.

Randy: Hey kids! Listen close! It's Scraggly Squirrel!

Randy went to the door and opened it up. Sure enough, a squirrel came through the door. He was holding a large bag over his shoulders.

One of the kids asked: What's in the bag?

Randy looked the kid over like a kitten looks over a ball of string.

Randy: Why, he doesn't have any old bag, that's his special nut sack!

Scraggly Squirrel reached into his nut sack and threw acorns and peanuts at the kids and Randy.

Scraggly Squirrel: That right kids, you'll always find the best of nature's goodness right here in my nut sack!

Rand: You got anything special in your nut sack today?

Scraggly Squirrel: I sure do Randy! Why, there's always something special ready to come out of my nut sack!

Scraggly Squirrel reached in and pulled out a DVD.

Scraggly Squirrel: It's today's cartoon, "Gweg's World"!


As Gweg watched the cartoon, his eyes tightened and he clenched his fist.

The cartoon consisted of a small boy, who resembled Gweg a great deal, going to the town fair. Cartoon Gweg decided to go on the rides first and went on the roller coaster. The carnie operating the roller coaster, whose name was Richard, told Cartoon Gweg not to stick his arms out. Cartoon Gweg did, but nothing happened to him on the ride. However, Richard the Carnie saw this, chopped Gweg up into tiny pieces, and fed Cartoon Gweg to the goldfish in the ring toss game.

After the cartoon was over, Randy asked the kids in his funhouse about what they just saw.

Randy: So kids, what lesson did you learn from today's cartoon?

One of the kids: We learned to always follow rules.

One of the other kids: And to trust the experts.

Randy: That's right kids! So remember, don't disobey like Gweg did or else you will get hurt.


Gweg turned off the TV in disgust. Only one thought remained in his head throughout the rest of the day:

The satyr will pay.

Tuesday.

When Gweg woke up, he decided to look up Gweg's world on the computer. It seemed that almost every episode involved Gweg getting killed by a guy named Richard. Various times, Gweg would get killed by someone else, but the one theme remained constant, Gweg gets killed in everyone.

A little bit later, Satyr arrived home.

Gweg was sitting on the couch waiting for him.

Gweg: How was your trip?

Satyr: It was ok. Some kid kept kicking the back of my seat on the plane ride over there, but I got him back, I had sex with his mom.

Gweg: Ha ha, you sure know how to stick it to the man. That's why I admire you.

Satyr: Uh yeah, you're not some weird opposite duplicate of Gweg are you?

Gweg: No Satyr, it's just that over the weekend, I realized how smart and clever you are.

Satyr was shocked to hear these words coming out of Gweg's mouth.

Satyr: Well Gweg, I don't know what to say. That's, uh, very nice of you. Kind of creepy too, but very nice. Well, I see that you took good care of Flipsy.

Satyr went over to the fish tank and tapped the glass.

Satyr: How's my little Flipsy Ipsy? Were you a good boy for Gweg?

Gweg: Oh, he was great. Him and I watched our new favorite show, "Randy's Funhouse".

Satyr: Well, he's a fish, Gweg. I don't really think he watches TV....

Satyr paused and gave a horrified look at Gweg.

Satyr: Did you say "Randy's Funhouse"?

Gweg nodded.

Satyr started to panic.

Satyr: listen Gweg, there's something you need to here first.

Gweg put up his hand to stop him.

Gweg: I don't want to hear it. In fact, I only have one thing to say to you: stop doing the cartoon, or I will make you regret it.

Satyr: I can't just stop Gweg. I just made one hell of a licensing deal. I'm racking in some good cash writing these cartoons. There is no way I'm going to stop.

Gweg walked up to Satyr and got nose to nose.

Gweg: Stop it or regret it.

Gweg turned around and went to his room.

Satyr went stayed out in the living room. He played with Flipsy for a little bit, watched some TV, and got on the computer. Gweg never came out of his room.

There was no way in hell Satyr was going to stop doing the cartoon. The deal he just made was going to bring in more cash than Satyr could hope for. There was a plan that would have brought in even more, but Satyr passed it over. Best to keep things as simple as they can be.

Gweg was just being to stubborn. He should be happy, but typical Gweg, he was being Mr. Negativity. Oh well, what the worse that he could do?

Satyr went to bed.

Wednesday.

Gweg woke up when he heard a scream.

Gweg turned to look at his clock, it was 8 AM.

Gweg went out to the living room. Satyr was down on his knees, crying. When Satyr heard Gweg come out, he turned to him, eyes red, and screamed.

Satyr: You son of a bitch!

Gweg didn't know what the hell was going on.

Gweg: What are you talking about?

Satyr: He was innocent! He had nothing to do with it! You didn't need to do that to him, you murdering bastard!

Gweg was confused. He was even more puzzled when he saw something drip on Satyr's head. Gweg followed the drip's path up and let out a gasp.

Flipsy was stapled to the ceiling.

Gweg: I did not do that!

Satyr: You liar! Who else would do it? Somebody wouldn't just come in here in the middle of the night and staple a goldfish to the ceiling! You told me "Stop or else" and now I see what else is! You cruel bastard!

Gweg: I swear, I didn't kill your fucking fish!

Satyr stood up and dried his eyes.

Satyr: "Gweg's World" teaches morals today's youth in a unique way that stays with the kids. You should be proud to be a part of something like that. And just so you know, that meeting I went to was to license my cartoon for various products. I just settled on doing action figures, but I think I'll give a call to my agent and say I went to go the full gamit of products. T-Shirts, lunch boxes, book bags, coloring books, PEZ Dispensers, video games, and Underwear, that's right Gweg, underwear. Every time some little kid wets the bed, he'll pissing right into your face.

Gweg: First of all, "Gweg's World" is not a moral cartoon. From what I read, it seems like it is some sort of psychological purge for you. The first day we met, Richard was going to kill me, but you accidently ran him over. This cartoon seems to be your half-ass attempt to make up for that.

Satyr: Why do you always have to read more into the situation then what there is? I am doing these cartoons to make money you silly bastard! I'm calling my agent after I get Flipsy down.

Satyr went and got the step ladder.

Gweg: I'm going out for a drive.

Satyr: Try not to run over any goldfish, killer.

Gweg: I don't think that's going to be a problem. Besides, I didn't kill your fish! Maybe when I get back, we can discuss this like adults.

Satyr: I'm sorry Gweg, I didn't understand that. I don't speak murderese.

Gweg: I'm done with your insanity today.

Gweg got into his car and drove around town.

Gweg didn't kill the fish and he would have been convinced Satyr did it himself, but he knew Satyr actually loved it.

But that wasn't what Gweg was concerned with. It was "Gweg's World".

Gweg did not want a cartoon version of his face plastered over everything imaginable. But if Satyr gets his way, that's exactly what was going to happen.

Then do something about it.

There was that voice. The dark side of Gweg's conscience. It usually spoke up when Satyr wanted Gweg's help with something. And more times than Gweg would like to admit, Gweg listened to it. This was the first time it spoke out to oppose Satyr.

What can I do?

You want to get rid of "Gweg's World" don't you?

Yes, but...

To get rid of it, you need to go down to his level.

That's the last thing I want to do.

Then he has already won. The only way to defeat him in this is to beat him at his own game. You may not like it, but the fact is, he plays a rotten game and you need to get your hands dirty to win.

Yeah, but what can I do?

You need to think like him.

I'm afraid.

Don't worry, just listen to me. You need to give the show a bad name.

Gweg listened, but didn't like what he heard.

Just go find a kid in a store, wear a hat and sunglasses. Tell the kid you work for Randy's Playhouse and you want him to be on the show. Take off your hat and sunglasses to show him you are the real Gweg. Then tell him if he wants on the show, he has to come out to your van alone. Make sure his parent or somebody else overhears. When the parent comes to confront you, get the hell out of there. Do this several times and the gossip will spread.

I don't like this.

Just do it.

Gweg went to a comic book store.

He saw a young kid, maybe ten years old, looking at comics. There was an older woman standing 12 feet down from him.

"Show time", Gweg thought.

Gweg: Hey kid, what are you looking for.

The kid gave Gweg a menacing glare. The kid was dressed all in black and had black hair.

The Kid: What's it to you shit brains.

Gweg: Nice language there. Listen, have you ever seen "Randy's Playhouse"?

The Kid smiled.

The Kid: That's my favorite show!

Gweg took off his sunglasses and hat.

Gweg: Recognize me?

The Kid: Oh my god, you look like an older version of Gweg.

Gweg: That's because I am Gweg.

The Kid was happy now.

Gweg: Listen, I work directly for Randy and I think you should be in an episode of our show.

The Kid: Really?

Gweg looked over at the woman, she was standing a little bit closer now. Gweg raised his voice a little more.

Gweg: Well then, all you have to do is come out to my car, alone.

Gweg glanced at the woman, she didn't seem to have heard what Gweg said.

The Kid: That's great, let's go.

Gweg looked at the woman again. She still did nothing.

Gweg: Don't you want to tell your mom were you are going?

The Kid: She's passed out at home. She was with Uncle John #87 last night and she got drunk off of her fat ass. She was still in bed, holding the money Uncle John gave her, so I took it and came here.

Gweg: Oh well, forget about it.

Gweg turned and left, he got into his car, but the kid opened the passenger side and climbed in.

The Kid: You are not leaving without me, Tubby.

The kid reached into his pocket and grabbed a stun gun. He stun Gweg with it.

Gweg woke up hours later, tied to a chair.

The kid was standing in front of him.

The Kid: My daddy sure would be proud.

Gweg: Your daddy?

The Kid: Yes, my dad, Richard the Hunter. I'm Richard Jr.

Gweg: Oh my fucking god.

Richard Jr: Dad kept a journal. I have it now. I read it every day. I read his last entry in there the most. It says: "I've got Gweg in the trunk now. My buddy will be joining me in the hunt tonight. I think killing this Gweg will give me the most satisfaction I will ever receive from killing someone. This will be fun."

Gweg: Your dad was a lunatic killer.

Richard Jr: My dad was a hero! And because of you, he died!

Gweg: It wasn't my fault! It was Satyr, he ran over your dad!

Richard Jr: I already dealt with him, I killed his goldfish last night.

Gweg: You did that?

Richard Jr: Yes, I did. Wait, you know about it?

Gweg: Yeah, I live with him.

Richard Jr: So, you two teamed up to kill my dad.

Gweg: It wasn't like that at all.

Richard Jr: I can't believe you were in there. Dad always told me, "When you break into a house, make sure you know what you are going for. In and out as fast as you can, that way you leave little evidence behind". Well, I'll have to work on changing that. I've already decided to do things different from Dad anyway.

Gweg: How's that?

Richard Jr: Well, dad liked to kill people. Not me, I get no satisfaction from killing things. I think death is nothing more than a cheap escape. I like to punish someone physically and mentally. And let them live with the pain of their experience with me.

Gweg: You and Satyr would get along just fine.

Richard Jr: Shut up! Don't you mention him! Now it's time to hurt Gweg, and believe me, you will hurt.

Richard Jr. then told Gweg what he planned to do.

Gweg was really scared now.

Richard Jr: And after I finish, I will give you some pills that will keep you asleep for a couple of days, you will wake up with a headache and a lot of emotional pain.

Richard Jr. did his thing.

Friday.

Gweg stumbled through the door. Satyr was on the couch, watching TV.

Satyr: That must have been a hell of a drive Gweg. Where have you been.

Gweg: I don't want to talk about it.

Satyr: Something happened, you look like hell.

Gweg: I got into a little altercation. It's over now.

Satyr: No, there's something you are not telling me. Come on, tell the truth and shame the devil.

Gweg: You want to know what happened?

Satyr: Lay it on me.

Gweg walked up to Satyr and got nose to nose with him. Gweg cleared his throat and screamed.

Gweg: I, A 26 YEAR OLD GROWN MAN, WAS RAPED BY A 10 YEAR OLD BOY!

Satyr: Holy shit!

Gweg: Yeah, and it was your old buddy's son!

Satyr: What?

Gweg: Yeah. Richard. You never told me he had kids!

Satyr: I didn't know! Hell, Richard was a player. He's probably got kids in all 50 states. God knows how many he's got in Mexico.

Gweg sat down on the couch.

Gweg: He killed your goldfish.

Satyr: Makes sense. I found a note written in crayon next to the fish food. It said, "Now we are even."

Gweg: None of this wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for your damn show.

Satyr: Well, Flipsy getting killed would have happened. You getting raped by a kid, yeah, that probably wouldn't have gone down. But you don't have to worry about that any more, Randy's Funhouse got cancelled.

Gweg: What> Why?

Satyr: The cops found Randy masturbating to some porn on his video Ipod last night in a park. The Kid's Network immediately pulled the plug on the show and everything associated with it. So no more "Gweg's World".

Gweg: Good. At least I get to end this day with some good news. I'm going to bed and am going to do my best to put these two weeks behind me.

Satyr watched Gweg go to bed. He really did feel somewhat sorry for him. So much in fact, that he decided not to tell Gweg what exactly Randy was watching.

It was a 10 year old raping a full grown man that was gagged and bound.


The End

The Power Pack in "The Attack of Rev. Shit My Pants"

Let me introduce you to our mighty heroes, The Power Pack! We have Pillz, the fearless leader and holder of the mighty Power Ring! We have Pero, the young man with the incredible power to turn into the mighty PeroHulk. And there's that other guy, Primus, who named himself after a band!

Let's see what our intrepid heroes are up too!


Pillz: How many times do I have to tell you Primus, when the Problem Phone is ringing, you answer it!

Primus: Why am I the one who always has to answer the damn phone?

Pillz: You don't have to answer it all the time, but when you are standing right next to it when it's ringing, as you were seconds ago, I think it would be a little considerate to answer it.

Primus: Why didn't you answer it?

Pillz: I was in the other room.

Primus: Well, if it's important, they'll call back.

Pillz: Of course it was important! That's the Problem Phone, people only call it when they have a problem!

Primus: Ok! Fine, if it means that much to you, I'll just star 69 them.

Primus picked up the phone and pressed *69. The call went through and a woman answered.

Woman: Is this the Power Pack?

Primus: Yes mam it is. How can we help you.

Pillz walked up next to Primus and snatched the phone from his hand.

Pillz: Give me that. (to the caller)Hello miss, I'm Pillz, the leader of the Power Pack, how can we be of service to you?

Primus sat down on the couch and watched Pillz talk to the woman on the phone. Pero was sitting next to Primus on the couch. Primus turned to him.

Primus: He thinks he's so cool doesn't he? He doesn't even have any real powers. All he has is that stupid ring, take the ring away from him and what do you got? Just some geek obsessed with comics.

Pero: I like the Family Circus.

Primus: Not those kind of comics. Comic books.

Pero: My mom says I can't have comic books. She says they'll just rot my brain.

Primus: But she lets you play video games.

Pero: She thinks my playing video games is good. She says they help build good hand-eye coordination. She also makes sure I have a video game to play whenever she takes the landlord into her bedroom to pay the rent.

Pillz was done talking to the woman on the phone. He stood in front of Primus and Pero.

Pillz: Ok boys, time to suit up. We've got work to do.

Primus: Yay, the highlight of my day.

Pillz: You got an itch you need helped scratched?

Primus: Yeah, I got an itch. And that itch is you! Who decided you were going to be our leader?

Pillz: First of all, I did. Second of all, I didn't ask for you to team up with me, you begged me to let you be my sidekick. Third of all, I'm the oldest.

Primus: One of these days, you're going to realize how important I am to this group.

Pillz: When that day comes, you be sure to let me know.

Primus: Oh don't worry, it'll be the most important day of your life.

Pillz: Fine, if that makes you happy. Just get dressed.

Primus: But our costumes are in the wash.

Pillz: We are not wearing our costumes. We are wearing our dress suits.

Primus: What? Why?

Pillz: We are going to church.

Primus: What are we going to church for?

Pillz: That's were the job is. Just get dressed, I'll explain on the way.

Pillz, Primus, and Pero got into the Power Porsche, Pillz' new car. Pillz got into the driver side and Primus sat in the passenger seat, with Pero on his lap.

Primus: Why couldn't you get something that had more than two seats?

Pillz: Because I always wanted to own one of these.

Pero: I don't mind having to sit in his lap. My Uncle Max would dress up as Santa Clause and make me sit in his lap all of the time. Even when it wasn't around Christmas time.

Primus: I want to drive.

Pillz: No, you are not going to drive this...ever. I want to make one thing clear before we head out; this is my car, not "our" car.

Primus: Yes master.

Pillz: That's more like it.

Pillz put the car in drive and headed for the church.

Primus: So, why are we going to church again?

Pillz: The lady who called said that she is concerned that somebody in her church has been up to no good.

Primus: Who does she suspect.

Pillz: The Reverend.

Primus: Oh no. He's not molesting little boys is he?

Pillz: She didn't say anything about that. She said she went to the church one night to seek the Reverend's help with some issues she was having. When she went into the church, she saw the Reverend practicing some dark magic.

Pero: My mother used to make me go to church. But not anymore. We are Catholic. The priest told me and my friends that masturbating was a sin, because we are killing life. Every sperm is sacred he said. Just like in that Monty Python movie. I used to watch that show all the time. My favorite skit was the dead parrot. I don't like birds that much. They always poop on my dad's car and he starts cussing and screaming at them. Mom just shakes her head and wonders out loud when that Prozac she slipped into his drink was going to kick in. My mom has a lot of medicine. She's says it's for depression. Dad said she needs to go back to church and that will help her, not the medicine. But mom stopped going to church after she saw the priest helping me and my friends properly dispose of excess sperm.

Primus shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

Pillz: Thank you for that one Pero. Ah, it looks like we are here.

Pillz parked the Power Porsche and the trio got out.

Primus: I think we are late.

Pillz: It doesn't matter. Let's just go in.

Primus: What is this dude's name?

Pillz: The Reverend Shiatmipantz.

Primus: Shiatmipantz?

Pillz: Yes.

Primus: That's a very odd name.

Pillz: Yes it is, let's just go in.

The three went into the church and found and empty pew. The Reverend, who was in the middle of a sermon, saw them sit down.

Rev. Shiatmipantz: Now, my brothers and sisters, I have spoke to you of the Holy Trinity! Now, I shall speak to you of the Unholy Trinity! That's right, this is not on the Bible, this is something that has recently been born out of the womb of the Beast! An Unholy Trinity! This Trinity is of three men with powers given to them from the Devil! This Unholy Trinity is here for one reason only! To pave the way for the Anti-Christ! Beware of their power! But you should know this, brothers and sisters! There is one power that can stop these agents of Satan! That is the power of the Lord Jesus Christ!

The congregation let out a collective "Amen!"

Primus leaned over to Pillz and whispered to him.

Primus: I think he's talking about us.

Pillz: No shit Sherlock.

Primus: Why do you have to be mean to me?

Pillz: Not now.

Rev. Shiatmipantz: You have been warned my brethren! Now, go out and tell your friends to be aware! Be aware of the Unholy Trinity!

The congregation left their pews and the church. The Power Pack stayed behind.

The Reverend stared at the Power Pack with a wicked smile on his face. When it was just him and them left in the church, the Reverend spoke to them.

Rev. Shiatmipantz: Well, I was wondering when I'd get to test my faith against you servants of Satan.

Pillz: We do not work for the devil. We work for truth, justice, and the American way.

Primus rolled his eyes.

Rev. Shiatmipantz saw this.

Rev. Shiatmipantz: You call yourself a leader? Even your own partner there knows when you are full of shit. I know it too. I know all about shit. For I am the Reverend Shit My Pants!

The Reverend grabbed the cross that stood on his podium. He aimed the cross at Primus.

Rev. Shit My Pants: The power of Christ compels you!

The cross lit up and shot a beam out at Primus. The light surrounded him and then went out. Primus felt his bowels let go.

Primus: I just shit my pants!

The rank odor of the excrement quickly filled the church.

Rev. Shit My Pants: That's right. I have prayed to God to show me the way to cleanse the people of their sins, and this is the way!

The Reverend aimed his cross at Pillz.

Rev. Shit My Pants: Now it's time to cleanse your soul.

The light shot out of the cross, but Pillz was ready for it. Pillz shot a beam of light out of his ring and the two lights met in between the two fighters. The lights pushed against each other.

Pillz: It's a battle of willpower now, Reverend.

Pillz stepped toward the Reverend, pushing more of his willpower into his Power Ring.

Rev. Shit My Pants: The power of the Lord is all I need to win this battle.

The Reverend grabbed his Bible and pointed it at Pillz. The Bible lit up like the cross and a beam of light shot out of it too.

The combined light of the Bible and the Cross was a little more than Pillz could handle. The Reverend's light was beating out Pillz' Power Ring and making it's way to Pillz.

Primus knew what he had to do. He went over to Pero, who was still sitting in the pew.

Pero: You stink.

Primus: Nevermind that now, don't you see what's going on?

Pero: Pillz and that Reverend are fighting.

Primus: Aren't you going to help?

Pero: I'm an atheist now, I don't want to get into the middle of a religious debate.

Primus: They are not having a religious debate! You need to hulk out and stop him!

Pero: I can't hulk out unless I get mad.

Primus thought hard to figure out how to get Pero mad at the reverend.

Primus: The Reverend over there is the one who convinced Wal-Mart not to sell Grand theft Auto: San Andreas.

Pero: I'm going to kick his ass.

Pero stood up and began his transformation into the Mighty PeroHulk.

The Reverend's light was just inches away from making contact with Pillz, but then he saw PeroHulk making his way towards him and aimed the Bible at him.

The light from the Bible surrounded PeroHulk, but nothing happened.

Rev. Shit My Pants: What's happening? Why isn't he shitting his pants?

PeroHulk: Pero like cheese!

PeroHulk reached out for the Reverend, but the Reverend dropped his thing and took off running.

Primus picked up the cross and saw a button on it. He aimed the cross at the running Reverend and pressed the button. A light shot out and got the Reverend.

Rev. Shit My Pants: No!!!! These were my best pants!

10 minutes later, the police arrived to take Rev. Shit My Pants into custody.

The Police Chief looked at the cross and the Bible that Pillz handed over to him for evidence.

Police Chief: So, these are what he used to make people shit their pants?

Pillz: Yes. However, these aren't tools of some Divine Power. They are both just ray guns, dressed up to look like everyday church items.

Police Chief: Well, thanks to you, he won't be preaching the power of poop anymore.

Pillz: Anytime Chief.

Pillz went over to Primus and Pero. Primus had just got done changing into a new pair of pants and underwear.

Pillz: well, good job team. Another bad guy down.

Pero: If he had only he had called himself Preacher Poopy Pants, he could have been a part of our team.

Pillz: I don't think so.

Primus: Uh-hem!

Pillz: Yes Primus?

Primus: Don't you owe me some thanks? I was the one who got Pero to save your ass.

Pillz: Ok, thank you.

Primus: That's more like it. You can be leader all you want. All I ask is for some respect. Because it seems to me, you rely on that ring a little more than you do your team.

Pillz: You know what. You may be right. I'll take that into much consideration. But you know what Primus?

Primus: What?

Pillz: At least I didn't shit my pants.

THE END