Satyr was surfing the net when news of The Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin's death was being reported.
Satyr laughed at the fact that it was a stingray that did him in. Satyr went to the Internet Movie Database page for Steve Irwin to post a joke about his death and was surprised to see an outpouring of sympathy for the Crocodile Hunter.
After an hour of "discussions" with other posters on the message board, Satyr found himself banned from the IMDB boards. Satyr decided not to waste his time on a dead guy anymore and went to YouTube.com to watch videos.
He was still watching videos a few hours later when Gweg woke up.
Gweg walked past Satyr sitting at the computer and laughing at something on the screen.
Gweg noticed Satyr was wearing headphones.
Gweg: Well, I'm shocked. You are actually being considerate for once.
Satyr: Don't get used to it. I couldn't hear what they were saying to well.
Gweg: What are you watching?
Satyr: Videos on YouTube.com. These here are great. They are Drive-By Insult videos. Funny as hell.
Gweg: Drive by insults?
Satyr: Yeah. 3 guys in a car drive down the street and yell random insults at pedestrians.
Gweg: Wow, that sounds very stupid.
Satyr: It's funny. I've decided to do something similar, I'm going to go around and video tape me shouting out drive-by compliments!
Gweg: Drive-By compliments? Wow, you've actually managed to come up with something even more pointless than the insults.
Satyr: Pointless? I thought you'd be happy. Going around and complimenting people, making them feel good about themselves, I'd be doing something nice for a change.
Gweg: You got a point there.
Gweg sat down on the couch and turned on the TV to the news. The news show was talking about Steve Irwin.
Gweg: Holy shit! The Crocodile Hunter died.
Satyr: Yeah, I know.
Gweg: Why didn't you say something?
Satyr: I didn't think it was that worthy to say something to you the moment you woke up.
Gweg: Well, hurry up and get off the computer, I want to do some research.
Satyr: On what?
Gweg: On Steve Irwin.
Satyr: Why?
Gweg: Because the man just died. I want to write an article about him, honoring what he has done for animals.
Satyr covered his face with his hands and let out a scream. Satyr got up and went to his room. He came back out holding a tape.
Satyr: I'm glad Steve Irwin is dead!
Gweg: Why? What did he ever do to you?
Satyr: I'm about to show you.
Satyr put the tape in and played it.
On the TV: (remember to read Irwin's dialogue with his Australian accent!)
Steve Irwin: Hello, The Crocodile Hunter here on the trails of one of the most unique creatures ever to walk the face of the earth. Look, there he is enjoying a nice meal.
The camera panned over to Satyr, who was sitting on a park bench eating a ham and cheese sandwich.
Irwin: There he is, the majestic satyr. Now, we need to sneak up on him carefully.
Irwin and his camera crew walked toward Satyr, in full view.
Satyr: Uh, hello.
Irwin: Crikey, the satyr is alert to our presence. If I want to get closer to him without startling him, I need to move very slowly in a non-threatening manner.
Satyr: I can hear you.
Irwin: Now, satyrs are known for their incredible hearing. It helps them stay alert to enemies.
Satyr: Can't I eat in peace?
Irwin: Satyrs enjoy eating their freshly caught meals in peace.
Satyr: I bought this at the deli.
Irwin: Of course, satyrs are known to scavage for food when they can't hunt for things themselves.
Satyr: Why are you narrating everything I say? What's that camera for? Who the fuck are you?
Irwin: Satyrs are one of nature's most curious animals. He also seems to be getting riled up. Let's see what happens when I poke him with this stick.
Irwin grabbed a stick off the ground and moved toward Satyr with it.
Satyr: Don't you poke me with that fucking stick.
Irwin: Now, I have to be careful of the satyr's natural defenses. Those include the horns on his head and his hard hooves.
Satyr: Don't forget about my unnatural defenses, like the glock in my pocket.
Irwin: Crikey, this satyr is really on the defense now. It's best to leave him alone for a while, let's take a look at the satyr's natural habitat.
Satyr stopped the tape.
Satyr: He then showed footage of Mt. Olympus and I'll be damned if I know how he got there, but does that answer your question?
Gweg: Yeah, I guess it does. But I'm still writing an article on him.
Satyr: The five year anniversary of 9/11 is in a few days, are you going to write an article about everyone who died during the attacks?
Gweg: No.
Satyr: Why not?
Gweg: Because...Well, first of all, over 2,000 people died, so that would 2,000 articles to write, second of all, it was five years ago, third of all I didn't know any of them.
Satyr: You didn't know Steve Irwin.
Gweg: It's different.
Satyr: Of course it is. Because he's a celebrity. This country idolizes celebrities to an extent that beyond comprehensible. Here, we have a guy who gets killed by a stingray. Now, was he out swimming just to get a little R&R? No. He was there to film the thing. To get near it. The man hangs around dangerous animals and the world comes to a halt when he is killed by one. Oooh, shocking! Oh, why did it have to happen to him? The man was viewed by most when he was alive as a joke. Then, when he gets killed, he is hailed as a martyr for the animal kingdom. The guy was nothing more than a showboat. Sure, he may have loved animals and spread some of his so-called knowledge about them, but he did it such a manner, that it wasn't so much about the animals, it more about whether or not he would get attacked by the animals. It was the educational version of Jackass. His death was not shocking, it was only a matter of time. Now, regular Joes, just doing there day to day business, get killed by planes crashing into skyscrapers or from the buildings collapsing to the ground, are not worthy of a few words? They certainly did not put themselves into harms way. Sure, the Trade Center has been a target before, but from a bomb in the garage that hardly did anything. The fact is, those faceless names meant nothing compared to the symbols that were destroyed that day. All we could see were the planes and building and a few people jumping to escape smoke inhalation. We saw no people actually getting killed, all we saw were images. All of those deaths were wrapped up into one. The death of a thousand faceless names equals the death of one celebrity in the eyes of America. And don't you even dare compare Irwin to the firefighters and the policemen who lost their lives. That is completely different and you know it. Now, since this was the biggest fucking rant I have ever given, I'm going to go out and do something good, I'm going to drive by strangers and yell out compliments to them from a blowhorn.
Satyr went out the door.
Gweg sat down and thought about what Satyr had to say. He hated to admit it, but he agreed with Satyr. He decided not to write the article.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the world.
We come to a secret lab hidden somewhere in the Outback of Australia. Inside the lab, we see two doctors, a man in a suit, and another man, naked and lying on a table.
Doctor 1: Everything seems to check out. He is perfectly healthy.
Doctor 2: Yes. He is in great condition, for a dead man.
Man in Suit: Good. Now gentlemen, your payment.
The man pulled a gun out of his pocket and shot the two doctors. The man on the table sat up and walked over to his pile of clothes lying on the floor.
As he was putting his clothes on, the man in the suit spoke to him.
Man in Suit: It's great to have you back, Mr. Irwin.
Steve Irwin finished putting on his clothes. (remember, Australian accent)
Irwin: It's good to be back, mate. Is everything in order.
Man in Suit: Yes sir, we'll be ready to go public two days from now.
Irwin: Great! This is going to be incredible.
Two Days Later.
Satyr was sitting at the computer, showing Gweg his video. On the video, Satyr would drive by somebody and yell out random compliments such as "You look good in those pants" or "Hey, that dog your walking looks like it would come in first place at a dog show", although most of the time, the person he was yelling the long compliments at didn't hear it all, because Satyr was already a block away from them when he finished it.
A few hours after uploading the video onto YouTube, Satyr was sitting at the computer, cussing up a storm.
Gweg: What is your problem?
Satyr: My Drive-By Compliments video hasn't gotten any hits!
Gweg: Hits?
Satyr: Yes. As in, "nobody is watching the damn thing". I wonder why.
Gweg: It might have something to do with this:
Gweg directed Satyr toward the TV.
A reporter was on TV.
Reporter: Extraordianry news from the Land Down Under, just three days after his death, the Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin has come back to life. We are going to show our footage of the press conference held by Steve's press agent, who revealed the return of the Crocodile Hunter to the world.
The video of the press conference ran.
Steve's press agent, aka the Man in the Suit, aka John Redding, walked to the mic.
John: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am pleased to stand before you today, because I bring you incredible news. Our beloved Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, who was so viscously taken from us in a freak accident, has returned from the beyond.
Large audible gasps were heard from the crowd.
John: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back, Steve Irwin.
Steve Irwin came out from behind a curtain and almost disappeared behind a blinding light of flashbulbs going off.
Steve: It's great to be back and returned to my homeland of Australia.
Applause.
Steve: Now, I haven't come back for no reason. I am here to lead humanity into a society where they treat all animals as equals. A world where no animals are hunted for sport. A world where no animals are made into products for the humans to wear. A world where animals are allowed to roam in peace, where they only have to fear what is natural to them. A Better World.
This was met with thunderous applause and cries of "We love you Steve".
Satyr: I'll be a son of a bitch. Everyone is watching this shit instead of my videos!
Gweg: Now I wish I had wrote that article about him.
Satyr rolled his eyes at this and got back on the net.
Satyr: Look at this! Every single page I go to has something about Steve Irwin. Hell, even Newgrounds and Albino Blacksheep has something good about him. And even Ebaum's World has the Newgrounds and Albino Blacksheep stuff on his site.
Gweg: Well, you have to admit that him coming back to life is a miracle.
Satyr: Typical humans. Somebody comes back from the dead and you treat them as a messiah.
Gweg: It's not exactly something that happens every day.
Satyr: Sure it does. People die and get brought back all the time. CPR and all that.
Gweg: This is not the same. He came back 3 days later.
Satyr: You don't know that. You just buy into it because there was a press conference. Lord, I thought the Iraq War taught you all better than that.
Gweg: I don't want to hear another rant from you.
Satyr: No need. I'm done complaining. Time for action. I'm going to take care of Irwin myself. An not because he is a fraud, because I want people to watch my video.
Satyr got on a plane and headed for Australia.
After Satyr landed in Australia, he asked around where he could find Steve Irwin. After having to pretend to be a representative of the Animal Kingdom, Satyr finally found out where Irwin was staying.
Satyr arrived at the hotel Irwin and his press agent were staying at and entered the room.
Satyr: All right Irwin, I'm here to put a stop to whatever it is you are up to.
Irwin: Well, somebody put a shrimp on the barbie. We have a guest!
Satyr: Your clichéd Australian sayings being spoken in a clichéd Australian accent will not stop me.
Irwin: You are right. And the fact that you here just proves to me that what I am doing is right. I needed you to be a part of my plan and fate has brought you here.
Satyr: What do you mean?
Irwin: After our last encounter, I went to your home dimension.
Satyr: I know this already.
Irwin: What you don't know, is that I learned a lot while I was down there. Mostly, your weaknesses. You see, I'm pretty good at dealing with wild animals, but animals that can walk upright and talk, well, that's a little different.
Satyr: Looks like you couldn't handle that stingray too well.
Irwin and John laughed at this.
Irwin: When I was at Mt. Olympus, I managed to get my hands on something that could tame the wild beast that is the satyr.
John brought out a suitcase that had a lock on it. After unlocking it, John took out the contents and handed them to Irwin. It was something wrapped in a towel. Irwin took the towel off of it and Satyr let out a gasp.
Irwin: That's right Satyr, it's one of Pan's Pipes. The very one he uses to control satyrs.
Satyr: You son of a bitch. You can't use that against me. Only Pan can.
Irwin: Let's test that theory. Here's a little ditty I learned from Mt. Olympus.
Irwin blew into the pipes and played a song.
Satyr started to shake and then stood completely still.
Satyr: Your will is my command.
Irwin: Perfect. You will be a great part of my plan.
Later that day or night, or whatever the hell is going on with the time zone difference.
Gweg turned on the TV to find another press conference by Steve Irwin. Gweg was shocked to see Satyr standing right next to Irwin and his press agent.
Irwin: That's right mates. This here representative of the Animal Kingdom has stepped forward to offer his support in my campaign to bring animal equality to the masses!
The crowd cheered.
Satyr stepped up to the podium.
Satyr: Yes. Mr. Irwin has my full support. He is a god among the animal community. Unfortunately, the stingray that took Mr. Irwin's life has committed suicide, because he knew that what he did was wrong. I, and I'm sure as with the rest of you, am looking forward to shaping this world for the better with Mr. Irwin leading the way!
Gweg: Oh my holy god.
Gweg rushed into Satyr's room out found his cell phone. He got a hold of Cyber Centaur's number and gave him a call.
Cyber answered the phone.
Cyber: I just saw your stupid ass on the TV, Satyr. I'm not going to join you and I don't care how much money is in it. And you still need to give me my DVD camcorder back.
Gweg: This isn't Satyr, it's Gweg.
Cyber: Oh, hi Gweg. Why are you calling me?
Gweg: I may need some help and you are the only person I could think of that would want to help Satyr.
Cyber: Help him? Why. He's all high and mighty now being in The Crocodile Hunter's little entourage there.
Gweg: That's just the thing. Satyr hates Irwin.
Cyber: Maybe Irwin promised him something. Who knows what Satyr's motives are.
Gweg: I don't know. Satyr did bring up a good point about how Irwin came back and nobody bothered to question it. I think Satyr has been brainwashed somehow.
Cyber: That would be hilarious to see. Ok, count me in. I want to see this and I want my camcorder back. Stupid Drive-By Compliments.
Gweg and Cyber flew down Australia.
After having to pretend Cyber was a representative of the animal kingdom, Gweg and Cyber found out were Irwin and Satyr were staying.
Gweg: You go up there and distract them. Say you want to be part of the cause.
Cyber: What if Satyr isn't under some spell and blows my cover?
Gweg: Improvise the best you can. I'll find another way in and see if I can't figure out what Irwin is doing to control Satyr.
Cyber: All right. I've got to tell you, this doesn't sound like a very good plan.
Cyber went inside the hotel. Gweg went around back and discovered the balconies were arranged to allow someone to climb up them all the way to the roof.
Gweg: I cannot believe I'm going to climb a building to help out Satyr. I need to kick my own ass tomorrow.
Gweg began to climb.
Cyber knocked on the door to the apartment.
John answered.
John: May I help you?
Cyber: I'm here to see Mr. Irwin.
John: Do you have an appointment?
Cyber: No. I just heard about the wonderful thing he is going to do for the animals and I want to be a part of it.
John: Stay right there, I'll get Mr. Irwin.
Lucky for Gweg, they were only on the third floor. As Gweg reached the balcony to the room they were staying in, John was approaching Irwin and Satyr, who were talking in the back room that led out onto the balcony.
John talked to Irwin and Irwin nodded. John left the room. Gweg saw Irwin ring a funnily looking instrument to his mouth and he blew into it.
Satyr got a funny look in his eyes and nodded toward Irwin.
Gweg thought, "So, that's how he is doing it."
Irwin and Satyr left the room. Gweg snuck inside.
Irwin and Satyr met John in the front room where John had Cyber tied up.
Irwin: My good friend, the Satyr here, told me to be on the lookout for a pathetic excuse for a centaur and some dumpy looking moron with gay blonde hair.
Cyber: How could you do this to me, Satyr?
Satyr: I do every thing for the Crocodile King.
Irwin: That's my new name, The Crocodile King, sounds good, don't it?
Cyber: It sounds ridiculous.
Irwin: I don't take too kindly to unnecessary criticism, so Satyr, take care of our guest here.
Irwin brought out the pipes and started to play them, Gweg ran into the room and snatched the pipes out of Irwin's hands.
Gweg brought the pipes down over his knees, snapping it into two pieces.
Satyr came out of his hypnotic trance.
Satyr: Wow, Gweg, you came to rescue me.
Gweg: I had nothing better to do.
Irwin: Well, I'll be a brown-eyed mullet. None of you are going to get away with this.
Satyr: Oh, yes we will.
Satyr pulled out his gun and shot John.
Satyr: That guy got on my nerves. As for you Irwin, I've got something special planned.
Gweg had untied Cyber. The three of them left the room while Irwin was screaming at them.
Irwin: You'll never stop me. This has already begun, you don't become the Crocodile King without having a contingency plan!
Gweg: What's he talking about?
Satyr: I'll tell you when we get out of here.
Cyber: Good, I want to get home as soon as possible.
Satyr: We can't go back to the states just yet.
Cyber: Why not.
Satyr: We have more business here.
The three of them got their selves a hotel room.
Satyr: Ok, here's what is up. Irwin was planning on using me to talk to the animals to get them to revolt against mankind.
Gweg: How?
Satyr: He thinks I can talk to animals.
Gweg: You can't talk to animals.
Satyr: I can't, but other satyrs can. Irwin found this out when he went to Mt. Olympus. He expected I could, so he stole one of Pan's Pipes to use on me.
Cyber: Well, looks like he can't go along with his plans.
Satyr: Don't count on it. He does have a back up plan, but it slightly different than his master plan. You've seen 12 Monkey's right?
Gweg and Cyber nodded.
Satyr: Remember when the Army of the 12 Monkeys turned out to be nothing more than a bunch of hoodlums letting animals out of a zoo? Well, Irwin has an Army of a 1000 Monkeys just ready to unleash animals everywhere.
Gweg: PETA and ALF. Right?
Satyr: What does bread and a bad 80's TV show have to do with is?
Gweg: Nevermind. But can you explain why Irwin came back from the dead.
Satyr: Oh that's easy, he didn't.
Cyber: I knew he was a zombie! I could smell it on him.
Satyr: He's not a zombie, he never died. He faked his death. And I can prove it.
Gweg: How?
Satyr: All in good time, we have a day to get ready. I have to go get a few things and I need you two to help me set things up at the place where Irwin is holding his next press conference.
Gweg: What's going to happen then?
Satyr: During that press conference, Irwin is going to send out his secret code to his minions. You two are going to set up a little video. This is going to be fun.
Cyber: And what are you going to do?
Satyr: It's a surprise.
The next day.
Steve Irwin began his press conference.
Irwin: I have sad news to report. My press agent was killed last night by anti-animal terrorists who wish to destroy our cause! But the sacrifice of my agent has done nothing but made my resolve in this matter stronger.
Backstage.
Gweg: Satyr said to play the tape before the end of Irwin's speech, so we'd better play it now.
Cyber grabbed for the remote control.
Cyber: Where is Satyr anyway?
Gweg: I don't know. He said he'd be here in time for his surprise.
Cyber pressed play on the remote.
Behind Irwin, a large video monitor dropped down from the ceiling. A video began to play on it.
The video showed Steve Irwin swimming in the ocean.
Irwin: Crikey! Here I am in the ocean getting ready to search for one of the underwater's most docile creatures, the stingray!
Irwin began to swim underwater, with an underwater video camera following him.
Irwin swam up to a stingray and cornered it. The stingray stuck out with it's stinger, catching Irwin in the arm. Irwin's team rushed in and pulled him out.
One of Irwin's crew checked him out.
Crewman: We need to get him to a hospital, he'll be alright, but he needs medical attention.
John, Irwin's former press agent, stepped into the view of the camera.
John: Leave that to me. I know exactly where to take him.
The video turned off.
The crowd began booing. Chants of "fraud" and "phony" could be heard.
Irwin screamed through the microphone.
Irwin: No, I can explain! It's the satyr, he did this to me! I just want to help the animals! No!
Someone threw a boomerang and hit Irwin in the head.
When Irwin got back up, he saw Satyr standing before him.
Satyr: G'day mate.
Irwin: Why are you doing this to me?
Satyr: No one watched my video.
Irwin began to run toward Satyr, but Satyr threw a bucket of strange goo all over him.
Irwin: What is this?
Satyr: It's just some glue. I need it on you to cover you with these.
Satyr held up a bag and dumped the contents all over Irwin.
Irwin: What in the bloody hell?
Satyr also had brought a crate up with him.
Irwin: What are you doing to me?
Satyr: No worries mate, just giving the animals what they want.
Satyr opened the crate. Five koala bears climbed out and latched themselves onto Irwin.
Satyr (In a perfect imitation of The Crocodile Hunter): Crikey! What we have here is Australia's own favorite marsupial, the Koala. The koala has picked up the scent of it's favorite food, the eucalyptus leaf, covered all over this man here. Let's see what happens.
The koalas ate away ate the leaves, eating most of Steve Irwin's skin with them. One of the koala's made it's way to a leaf that was covered over Irwin's jugular vein and bit down. Thus was the end of Steve Irwin.
Satyr: And they thought a death by a stingray was surprising.
Days later, back at the apartment of Gweg and Satyr.
Gweg woke up to find Satyr at the computer.
Gweg: Got any hits for your Drive-By Compliments video yet.
Satyr: Just a few, but that's ok. The video of me killing Steve Irwin is a hit.
Gweg: Well, good for you. Before I go into the kitchen, I should ask, did any other celebrities die?
Satyr: Just Eric Bauman.
Gweg: I don't know him? What's he famous for.
Satyr: He's got his own internet site. Somebody broke into his house and killed him.
Gweg: Hmm. Oh well. Doesn't concern me.
After Gweg left the room, Satyr looked at his computer.
Satyr: Teach that fucking guy to put my video on his fucking website without my permission.
THE END
