An incredible artist, who goes by the name of Laemeur, has drawn one of my stories.
He did an incredible job.
Y'all can check it out here: http://www.apocalyptek.com/, along with his own comics.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Monday, January 23, 2006
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Pillz and Primus in the Comic Clepto Caper
Have no fear, true believers! America has a new hero, Pillz! Born a regular human, Pillz was given the galaxy's most powerful weapon, The Green Lantern Ring, in a box of Cracker Jack.
Let's join out fearless hero as he gets a most urgent call from the Mayor!
Pillz: Talk to me. What's the emergency?
Mayor: It's happened again Pillz! Another comic book store has been robbed! This is the third one in two months! We need your help Pillz!
Pillz: That's what I'm here for Mayor. Which comic shop was it?
Mayor: It was the Custodiet Comic Shop on the corner of Nodell Ave. and Finger St.
Pillz: You cab count on me Mayor, I'll get to the bottom of this.
Pillz hung up the phone and put on the most amazing weapon the galaxy has ever seen, the Power Ring! After he put it on, his own version of the Green Lantern costume adorned his body. It consisted of tight fitting black pants, a black tank top, and a green duster, which featured the symbol of the Green Lantern.
Pillz then recited the sacred Lantern oath to activate the ring.
Pillz: In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil's might, beware my power, Green Lantern's light!
Pillz arrived at the Custodiet Comic Shop. It was an average sized store. It had a vast variety of comics and comic book related products.
Pillz talked with owner.
Pillz: So, what all was stolen?
Owner: It's the damnedest thing, only comics from the one dollar bins were stolen.
Pillz: One dollar bins, huh?
Owner: Yeah. The only thing they left in there were the Liefield comics.
Pillz: I don't like that. He stole a bunch of worthless comics, but left the Liefield. This guy is crazy, but he's not stupid.
Owner: I don't get it? Why the one dollar comics? I mean, I got far more valuable stuff here.
Pillz: It is intriguing. I need to check these other comic book shops.
Pillz went to the other comic stores. Sure enough, Pillz discovered that each one was robbed only of their lower priced comics. Back issues that have not gone up or have dropped lower in monetary value since they were published.
Pillz went back to his apartment to look over his notes and pictures of the crime scene.
Pillz started to sort though them. His power ring then started speaking to him.
Power Ring: There is a fire at the old abandoned warehouse where you found me.*
*See "ASMB Story #1" Available to read now!
Pillz: Damn, always when I'm starting to do something.
Pillz flew to the warehouse and used his rings to put out the fire. The fire was only concentrated to one area of the building and did not do much damage.
Pillz: I wonder how this started. Probably a bunch of little punks. I'd better investigate.
Pillz went inside and got the shock of his life.
Standing ten feet away from Pillz, was Primus Fan 1!
Pillz: You! But how? I saw you die!
Primus: I don't know what the hell happened. Lat thing I remember is being tied to a post and being shot at by that damn satyr!
Pillz: Yeah. But your body was cremated, so to speak. You must be back for a reason. Or maybe the Devil didn't want you hell.
Primus: Why wouldn't the Devil want me?
Pillz: Probably because you're so emo.
Primus: I am not emo!
Primus ran towards Pillz, with his fists raised. Pillz used his ring to create a force field. Primus ran right into and bounced back.
Pillz: Easy there trigger. Now, I don't know how you came back, and I don't care. I've got a bigger problem on my hands. There is a comic thief and I intend to catch him.
Primus: Can I help?
Pillz: Yes you can. I think the only way I'm going to be able to solve this case is if you get in my way.
Primus: I won't get in your way. I don't know how, but when I came back, I came back with a super power!
Pillz: What? That's preposterous.
Primus: It's true! Watch.
Primus held is hands out in front of him, he balled them up into fists, and out popped three blades, from behind the knuckled on each hand.
Pillz noticed something a bit odd about the blades protruding from Primus' hands.
Pillz: Those are butter knives.
Primus looked at the blades.
Primus: Figures, I get some sort of power and it's sucky.
Pillz: Well, if I ever run across some toast, I'll give you a call.
Primus: Please, I know I can be of some help. Just give me a chance!
Pillz: Fine. One chance. If you fuck up, you're gone.
Primus: Thank you. Now, let's get to the bottom of this comic caper!
Meanwhile, at some apartment.
A man dressed in spandex from head to toe was sitting in a chair. A younger man entered into the room.
Young Man: Excuse me master, I have some bad news.
The Master: I care only about news after you have given me what I really want.
The Master then slapped his lackey across the face.
Young Man: I'm sorry master. I didn't stop to get them because this news is of the utmost importance.
The Master: What is it?
Young Man: The Mayor has put Pillz in charge of the comic book robberies.
The Master: Well now, this is not good. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Pillz will not stop me from my nefarious plan. No one will stop me! No one will stop, Capt. Taco!
Young Man: What do you plan to do?
Capt. Taco: There is a secret weapon running loose in the streets, I want you to bring him to me.
Young Man: You don't mean....
Capt. Taco: Yes Crunchy, I do mean him! Now get him!
The young man, whom Capt. Taco addressed as Crunchy, left the room. Capt. Taco, one of the most insane madmen the world has ever seen, sat thinking in his chair.
Capt. Taco: After all of this is over, I'm going to Paris to take a piss of the Eiffel Tower while singing "Anna Kournikova Is Our Queen"!
truly insane.
Back at Pillz' secret headquarters.
Pillz and Primus sat around looking at all the evidence they had gathered.
Pillz: The first question we need to ask ourselves is "Who benefits?"
Primus: That is a good question.
Pillz: Of course it is. We need to find out who has gets the most out of stealing worthless comics. Now, my first guess would be Rob Liefield. Probably looking for new material. It would explain why he didn't steal his own books, but then again, he's been known to steal from his own material as well.
Primus: I thought Heroes Reborn was pretty good.
Pillz: That's strike one against you. I don't know. Liefield doing something original just doesn't fit his usual MO.
Primus: What if they just left behind the Liefield stuff to throw you off?
Pillz: That's good thinking. We need to go out and search for more clues.
Primus: We should probably stake out the only comic book store that hasn't been robbed yet.
Pillz: Hey! I'm the one who comes up with the good ideas around here! You are just supposed to be the sidekick.
Primus: I'm sorry, I'm just trying to help.
Pillz: Help by grabbing me a soda. I've got a great idea, let's go over and stake out the comic shop that hasn't been hit yet.
Primus: All right.
Pillz and Primus camped out on the rooftop of the building across the street from "Uncle Ben's Dirty Depends Comic Shop".
A few hours went by and nothing happened.
Pillz: So that's why Sinestro will always be known as one of the greater villains of all time.
Primus: That's stupid. I think Arcade is a pretty good villain.
Pillz: You would.
Primus: I don't know why you are always knocking on me. Calling me emo all the time.
Pillz: It's because you remind me so much of Psycho Pirate.
Primus: Who?
Pillz: Nevermind.
Pillz was about ready to call it a night. He was about to say something when he felt the building tremor beneath him.
Pillz: Did you feel that?
Primus: Feel what?
It happened again. And this time they both felt it. It kept getting stronger. Primus saw something that made him piss his pants.
Primus: Look!
Pillz looked in the direction Primus was pointing. He saw an eight foot tall yellow behemoth. It was heading right for the comic shop.
Primus: Surely that's not the thing that's been robbing the shops.
Pillz: Whatever it is, we need to stop it.
Pillz dropped down to the street. He aimed his hand at the huge yellow man. He shot of a green energy blast.
The blast ricocheted off of the huge hulk. It became angry and started running towards Pillz.
Pillz heard it say something, but the creature slurred the words.
Primus had come down and ran up to Pillz.
Primus: Why aren't you stopping it?
Pillz: Because it's yellow and immune to my power ring. we need to think of another way to stop it!
The yellow monster was upon them now. It stared at them and then yelled out something. Pillz was able to understand what it said this time.
Pillz: It can't be.
Primus: What?
Pillz: Primus, get your blades to come out, quick.
Primus held out his hands and popped out his blades.
The yellow monster jumped back in surprise and then stared at Primus' hands. The monster kept staring at them as though in a trance, and before Pillz and Primus' surprised eyes, the monster started to shrink.
The monster continued to shrink until it wasn't a monster and more, but a teenager!
Primus: What the hell? Is it the Incredible Hulk?
Pillz: No, it's the Incredible Pero!
The teenager looked around confused.
Pero: How did I get here? Who are you guys? Why do you have butter knives sticking out of your hands? My mother once told me the only kind of knife I could ever use was a butter knife. But I accidently cut myself with one when I was trying to spread some peanut butter on my penis so I could get this dog to lick it. When I cut myself down there, it hurt a lot. The doctor who fixed me up down there was laughing. But my mother told me it wasn't because of the size, she said it was a pretty decent size. Bigger than my dad's she told me. She wanted me to sleep in her room that night, because she was lonely. But dad wouldn't let me and he and mom had one of their "talks".
Pillz and Primus just stared at him.
Pero: So, who are you guys?
Pillz: I'm Pillz and this is Primus. We are both members of the Adult Swim Message Board. Just like you.
Pero: Hey, I'm on the Adult Swim Message Board too!
Primus: Yeah, we just said that?
Pillz: I have no doubt that Pero here was sent to stop us. Pero, do you remember anything that happened before you got here?
Pero: I remember being at the apartment of that mean satyr guy from the boards. He made fun of me and I got mad. Then I remember being in an alley some where. I went home. The last thing I remember is some guy coming to my house and saying "Greetings from Uncle Ben's Dirty Depends" then he broke a bunch of my video games.
Pillz: Hrm. Primus mysteriously comes back to life and Pero here has been going through some gamma growth spurts. And we have a common thread linking them.
Primus: Virtual Satyr!
Pillz: Yes. Let's go visit our good friend and ask him a few questions.
Pillz, Primus, and Pero all went to the apartment of Virtual Satyr. When they knocked on the door, Satyr's roommate, Gweg, answered.
Gweg: Pillz? What are you doing...holy shit! Is that Primus?
Primus: Yep Gweg, it's me.
Gweg: But how? Satyr killed you and then burned your body. We got your ashes in the kitchen.
Primus: You've got my ashes? That's just fucking creepy right there.
Gweg: I know. Satyr put them into a cookie jar.
Pillz: Speaking of which, where is he.
Gweg: He's in his room, Ill go get him.
Gweg went and retrieved Satyr. Satyr had been asleep and was still in the process of waking up when he got to the door.
Satyr: What the fuck is going on?
Pillz: Where were you two nights ago?
Satyr: I was over at your mother's house giving her a massage. With my mouth.
Pillz: Well that explains why your breath smells.
Gweg: He was here watching "The Princess Diaries".
Satyr: Only because I heard that Anne Hathaway gets naked in one of her movies.
Gweg: You know damn well that was in "Havoc". You downloaded it off of the internet.
Satyr: Just shut up. Why do you care where I was Pillz? Don't you have some lightbulbs to go change or whatever in the hell it is you green lanterns do?
Pillz: Well there has been a string of comic thefts recently. Not to mention Primus coming back from the dead and Pero Hulk showing up to try to stop us. And you appear to be a common link among Primus and Pero here.
Satyr: Who?
Primus: Don't you remember me? You killed me?
Satyr: You call yourself Primus? I thought you called yourself Optimus Prime.
Gweg: That's a bunch of bull. Aren't you the least bit curious about how Primus is still alive?
Satyr: I'm more curious about what a Primus actually is.
Pillz: It's a band. They did the theme song to South Park.
Satyr: Ah. Ok. Well, I can explain why Primus is still alive.
Primus: Please do.
Satyr: Your body burned up when I used the Duce X Machine, right? Well, I read the instruction manual, and it turns out the Duce X Machine also had a Phoenix Processor Chip in it.
Pillz: A Phoenix Processor Chip.
Satyr: Yeah. It brings dead people back to life.
Gweg: Why didn't you tells us that before?
Satyr: I didn't know about it before.
Gweg: You invented the damn thing!
Satyr: Yeah I did.
Pillz: Listen, it doesn't matter. We need to use the Duce X Machine to find out who is behind the crimes.
Gweg: Uh, you can't. I wanted to get rid of the machine, so I pressed the button on it to help me out, and the machine disappeared.
Primus: Great. We'll never figure out who is behind this.
Satyr: Well, good luck to you guys. I'm going out for some breakfast. I'm in the mood for some tacos.
Pero let out a scream.
Pillz: What is it?
Pero: The man who broke my games had a taco on his shirt.
Pillz: Blast! Capt. Taco! I should have known.
Several minutes later, at Capt. Taco's lair.
Capt. Taco watched his security monitors. On them, he saw our three heroes making their way inside the building.
Capt. Taco: What fools. They dare try to match wits with the Spectacular Capt. Taco! I have given more effort into drinking a beer upside down while having sex with ten supermodels than I will give into stopping these fools.
Pillz, Primus, and Pero had made their way inside Capt. Taco's lair.
Pillz: Be careful guys. This Capt. Taco is a dangerous man. We must be cautious.
Primus: If only my powers didn't suck. If only my life didn't suck! Why must I be tortured so!
Pillz: I haven't the slightest idea as to what brought that all on, but I'll tell you this: Even the most suckiest of powers can be useful when used in the right hands. Now, your little butter knives are quite possibly the stupidest things I have ever laid my eyes on, but they did save our bacon back at the comic store, did they not?
Primus: Yeah, I guess so.
Pero: Even the weakest of individuals have their moments of strength.
Pillz and Primus stared at Pero.
Pero: What? I'm not an idiot all of the time.
Pillz: Come on, let's go!
They stormed into Capt. Taco's main room, where he was waiting for them.
Capt. Taco: Well, well, well. If it isn't the Dysfunctional Duo and their stupid little friend.
Pillz: It's over for you Capt. Taco!
Capt. Taco: Ha! It has just begun. My evil plan of stealing all of those worthless comics was for one simple goal. I wanted to get my hands on all of the issues of Shadowhawk #1 I could find! After getting my hands on a majority of them, I would destroy them, leaving my mint condition copy in it's plastic case to skyrocket in price!
Pillz: That's crazy. A scheme like that would never work! When were you planning to do this?
Capt. Taco: Do it? Pillz, I'm not your common villain. Do you seriously think I would tell you my plan, knowing that you might thwart it? I did it thirty minutes ago!
Capt. Taco let loose a laugh. He didn't notice Crunchy come into the room.
Crunchy: Boss, I got all of those issues of Shadowhawk ready for you to destroy them.
Capt. Taco: You god damn fool! Get the hell out of here.
Pillz: Sucks to be you my friend.
Capt. Taco: Eat shit and die, shithead!
Pillz aimed his ring, he sent out a blast towards Capt. Taco.
Capt. Taco was ready for it. He had reached over and grabbed his shield in time. His shield looked like a giant crunchwrap supreme.* The shield, being yellow, deflected the blast.
*Available at Taco Bell for only $1.99!
Capt. Taco: Woo-hoo. Didn't see that one coming did you?
Pillz: As a matter of fact, I kinda did.
Capt. Taco: Oh yeah, well see this coming! Capt. Taco throws his mighty shield!
Capt. Taco threw his mighty shield at Pillz. Primus jumped out in front of him, butter knives extended.
Primus cut right through the shield, which in fact was a giant crunchwrap supreme.
Primus: Yes! I used my power! And it stopped your stupid shield.
Capt. Taco: It won't stop these.
He held up four tacos in his hand.
Capt. Taco: These are razor sharp Tacorangs.
He threw them at Primus, cutting off his butter knives. Primus screamed in pain.
Capt. Taco: Well. it seems the only one left out of your pathetic group to stop me is the retard.
Pero took one step closer to Capt. Taco.
Pero: Fear the retard.
Pero started to grow. He turned into Pero Hulk. Pero Hulk reached out and grabbed Capt. Taco, crushing his bones in the process.
Primus: Well, I lost my powers, but we won. I guess that's all that matters, right Pillz?
Primus turned around to look at Pillz. But Pillz was not there.
Primus: Pillz!
Pillz came out of another room.
Primus: Why did you run away?
Pillz: I didn't. When I saw that Pero was going to win, I went and destroyed those Shadowhawk books.
Primus: Why?
Pillz: Because Shadowhawk sucks.
Let's join out fearless hero as he gets a most urgent call from the Mayor!
Pillz: Talk to me. What's the emergency?
Mayor: It's happened again Pillz! Another comic book store has been robbed! This is the third one in two months! We need your help Pillz!
Pillz: That's what I'm here for Mayor. Which comic shop was it?
Mayor: It was the Custodiet Comic Shop on the corner of Nodell Ave. and Finger St.
Pillz: You cab count on me Mayor, I'll get to the bottom of this.
Pillz hung up the phone and put on the most amazing weapon the galaxy has ever seen, the Power Ring! After he put it on, his own version of the Green Lantern costume adorned his body. It consisted of tight fitting black pants, a black tank top, and a green duster, which featured the symbol of the Green Lantern.
Pillz then recited the sacred Lantern oath to activate the ring.
Pillz: In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil's might, beware my power, Green Lantern's light!
Pillz arrived at the Custodiet Comic Shop. It was an average sized store. It had a vast variety of comics and comic book related products.
Pillz talked with owner.
Pillz: So, what all was stolen?
Owner: It's the damnedest thing, only comics from the one dollar bins were stolen.
Pillz: One dollar bins, huh?
Owner: Yeah. The only thing they left in there were the Liefield comics.
Pillz: I don't like that. He stole a bunch of worthless comics, but left the Liefield. This guy is crazy, but he's not stupid.
Owner: I don't get it? Why the one dollar comics? I mean, I got far more valuable stuff here.
Pillz: It is intriguing. I need to check these other comic book shops.
Pillz went to the other comic stores. Sure enough, Pillz discovered that each one was robbed only of their lower priced comics. Back issues that have not gone up or have dropped lower in monetary value since they were published.
Pillz went back to his apartment to look over his notes and pictures of the crime scene.
Pillz started to sort though them. His power ring then started speaking to him.
Power Ring: There is a fire at the old abandoned warehouse where you found me.*
*See "ASMB Story #1" Available to read now!
Pillz: Damn, always when I'm starting to do something.
Pillz flew to the warehouse and used his rings to put out the fire. The fire was only concentrated to one area of the building and did not do much damage.
Pillz: I wonder how this started. Probably a bunch of little punks. I'd better investigate.
Pillz went inside and got the shock of his life.
Standing ten feet away from Pillz, was Primus Fan 1!
Pillz: You! But how? I saw you die!
Primus: I don't know what the hell happened. Lat thing I remember is being tied to a post and being shot at by that damn satyr!
Pillz: Yeah. But your body was cremated, so to speak. You must be back for a reason. Or maybe the Devil didn't want you hell.
Primus: Why wouldn't the Devil want me?
Pillz: Probably because you're so emo.
Primus: I am not emo!
Primus ran towards Pillz, with his fists raised. Pillz used his ring to create a force field. Primus ran right into and bounced back.
Pillz: Easy there trigger. Now, I don't know how you came back, and I don't care. I've got a bigger problem on my hands. There is a comic thief and I intend to catch him.
Primus: Can I help?
Pillz: Yes you can. I think the only way I'm going to be able to solve this case is if you get in my way.
Primus: I won't get in your way. I don't know how, but when I came back, I came back with a super power!
Pillz: What? That's preposterous.
Primus: It's true! Watch.
Primus held is hands out in front of him, he balled them up into fists, and out popped three blades, from behind the knuckled on each hand.
Pillz noticed something a bit odd about the blades protruding from Primus' hands.
Pillz: Those are butter knives.
Primus looked at the blades.
Primus: Figures, I get some sort of power and it's sucky.
Pillz: Well, if I ever run across some toast, I'll give you a call.
Primus: Please, I know I can be of some help. Just give me a chance!
Pillz: Fine. One chance. If you fuck up, you're gone.
Primus: Thank you. Now, let's get to the bottom of this comic caper!
Meanwhile, at some apartment.
A man dressed in spandex from head to toe was sitting in a chair. A younger man entered into the room.
Young Man: Excuse me master, I have some bad news.
The Master: I care only about news after you have given me what I really want.
The Master then slapped his lackey across the face.
Young Man: I'm sorry master. I didn't stop to get them because this news is of the utmost importance.
The Master: What is it?
Young Man: The Mayor has put Pillz in charge of the comic book robberies.
The Master: Well now, this is not good. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Pillz will not stop me from my nefarious plan. No one will stop me! No one will stop, Capt. Taco!
Young Man: What do you plan to do?
Capt. Taco: There is a secret weapon running loose in the streets, I want you to bring him to me.
Young Man: You don't mean....
Capt. Taco: Yes Crunchy, I do mean him! Now get him!
The young man, whom Capt. Taco addressed as Crunchy, left the room. Capt. Taco, one of the most insane madmen the world has ever seen, sat thinking in his chair.
Capt. Taco: After all of this is over, I'm going to Paris to take a piss of the Eiffel Tower while singing "Anna Kournikova Is Our Queen"!
truly insane.
Back at Pillz' secret headquarters.
Pillz and Primus sat around looking at all the evidence they had gathered.
Pillz: The first question we need to ask ourselves is "Who benefits?"
Primus: That is a good question.
Pillz: Of course it is. We need to find out who has gets the most out of stealing worthless comics. Now, my first guess would be Rob Liefield. Probably looking for new material. It would explain why he didn't steal his own books, but then again, he's been known to steal from his own material as well.
Primus: I thought Heroes Reborn was pretty good.
Pillz: That's strike one against you. I don't know. Liefield doing something original just doesn't fit his usual MO.
Primus: What if they just left behind the Liefield stuff to throw you off?
Pillz: That's good thinking. We need to go out and search for more clues.
Primus: We should probably stake out the only comic book store that hasn't been robbed yet.
Pillz: Hey! I'm the one who comes up with the good ideas around here! You are just supposed to be the sidekick.
Primus: I'm sorry, I'm just trying to help.
Pillz: Help by grabbing me a soda. I've got a great idea, let's go over and stake out the comic shop that hasn't been hit yet.
Primus: All right.
Pillz and Primus camped out on the rooftop of the building across the street from "Uncle Ben's Dirty Depends Comic Shop".
A few hours went by and nothing happened.
Pillz: So that's why Sinestro will always be known as one of the greater villains of all time.
Primus: That's stupid. I think Arcade is a pretty good villain.
Pillz: You would.
Primus: I don't know why you are always knocking on me. Calling me emo all the time.
Pillz: It's because you remind me so much of Psycho Pirate.
Primus: Who?
Pillz: Nevermind.
Pillz was about ready to call it a night. He was about to say something when he felt the building tremor beneath him.
Pillz: Did you feel that?
Primus: Feel what?
It happened again. And this time they both felt it. It kept getting stronger. Primus saw something that made him piss his pants.
Primus: Look!
Pillz looked in the direction Primus was pointing. He saw an eight foot tall yellow behemoth. It was heading right for the comic shop.
Primus: Surely that's not the thing that's been robbing the shops.
Pillz: Whatever it is, we need to stop it.
Pillz dropped down to the street. He aimed his hand at the huge yellow man. He shot of a green energy blast.
The blast ricocheted off of the huge hulk. It became angry and started running towards Pillz.
Pillz heard it say something, but the creature slurred the words.
Primus had come down and ran up to Pillz.
Primus: Why aren't you stopping it?
Pillz: Because it's yellow and immune to my power ring. we need to think of another way to stop it!
The yellow monster was upon them now. It stared at them and then yelled out something. Pillz was able to understand what it said this time.
Pillz: It can't be.
Primus: What?
Pillz: Primus, get your blades to come out, quick.
Primus held out his hands and popped out his blades.
The yellow monster jumped back in surprise and then stared at Primus' hands. The monster kept staring at them as though in a trance, and before Pillz and Primus' surprised eyes, the monster started to shrink.
The monster continued to shrink until it wasn't a monster and more, but a teenager!
Primus: What the hell? Is it the Incredible Hulk?
Pillz: No, it's the Incredible Pero!
The teenager looked around confused.
Pero: How did I get here? Who are you guys? Why do you have butter knives sticking out of your hands? My mother once told me the only kind of knife I could ever use was a butter knife. But I accidently cut myself with one when I was trying to spread some peanut butter on my penis so I could get this dog to lick it. When I cut myself down there, it hurt a lot. The doctor who fixed me up down there was laughing. But my mother told me it wasn't because of the size, she said it was a pretty decent size. Bigger than my dad's she told me. She wanted me to sleep in her room that night, because she was lonely. But dad wouldn't let me and he and mom had one of their "talks".
Pillz and Primus just stared at him.
Pero: So, who are you guys?
Pillz: I'm Pillz and this is Primus. We are both members of the Adult Swim Message Board. Just like you.
Pero: Hey, I'm on the Adult Swim Message Board too!
Primus: Yeah, we just said that?
Pillz: I have no doubt that Pero here was sent to stop us. Pero, do you remember anything that happened before you got here?
Pero: I remember being at the apartment of that mean satyr guy from the boards. He made fun of me and I got mad. Then I remember being in an alley some where. I went home. The last thing I remember is some guy coming to my house and saying "Greetings from Uncle Ben's Dirty Depends" then he broke a bunch of my video games.
Pillz: Hrm. Primus mysteriously comes back to life and Pero here has been going through some gamma growth spurts. And we have a common thread linking them.
Primus: Virtual Satyr!
Pillz: Yes. Let's go visit our good friend and ask him a few questions.
Pillz, Primus, and Pero all went to the apartment of Virtual Satyr. When they knocked on the door, Satyr's roommate, Gweg, answered.
Gweg: Pillz? What are you doing...holy shit! Is that Primus?
Primus: Yep Gweg, it's me.
Gweg: But how? Satyr killed you and then burned your body. We got your ashes in the kitchen.
Primus: You've got my ashes? That's just fucking creepy right there.
Gweg: I know. Satyr put them into a cookie jar.
Pillz: Speaking of which, where is he.
Gweg: He's in his room, Ill go get him.
Gweg went and retrieved Satyr. Satyr had been asleep and was still in the process of waking up when he got to the door.
Satyr: What the fuck is going on?
Pillz: Where were you two nights ago?
Satyr: I was over at your mother's house giving her a massage. With my mouth.
Pillz: Well that explains why your breath smells.
Gweg: He was here watching "The Princess Diaries".
Satyr: Only because I heard that Anne Hathaway gets naked in one of her movies.
Gweg: You know damn well that was in "Havoc". You downloaded it off of the internet.
Satyr: Just shut up. Why do you care where I was Pillz? Don't you have some lightbulbs to go change or whatever in the hell it is you green lanterns do?
Pillz: Well there has been a string of comic thefts recently. Not to mention Primus coming back from the dead and Pero Hulk showing up to try to stop us. And you appear to be a common link among Primus and Pero here.
Satyr: Who?
Primus: Don't you remember me? You killed me?
Satyr: You call yourself Primus? I thought you called yourself Optimus Prime.
Gweg: That's a bunch of bull. Aren't you the least bit curious about how Primus is still alive?
Satyr: I'm more curious about what a Primus actually is.
Pillz: It's a band. They did the theme song to South Park.
Satyr: Ah. Ok. Well, I can explain why Primus is still alive.
Primus: Please do.
Satyr: Your body burned up when I used the Duce X Machine, right? Well, I read the instruction manual, and it turns out the Duce X Machine also had a Phoenix Processor Chip in it.
Pillz: A Phoenix Processor Chip.
Satyr: Yeah. It brings dead people back to life.
Gweg: Why didn't you tells us that before?
Satyr: I didn't know about it before.
Gweg: You invented the damn thing!
Satyr: Yeah I did.
Pillz: Listen, it doesn't matter. We need to use the Duce X Machine to find out who is behind the crimes.
Gweg: Uh, you can't. I wanted to get rid of the machine, so I pressed the button on it to help me out, and the machine disappeared.
Primus: Great. We'll never figure out who is behind this.
Satyr: Well, good luck to you guys. I'm going out for some breakfast. I'm in the mood for some tacos.
Pero let out a scream.
Pillz: What is it?
Pero: The man who broke my games had a taco on his shirt.
Pillz: Blast! Capt. Taco! I should have known.
Several minutes later, at Capt. Taco's lair.
Capt. Taco watched his security monitors. On them, he saw our three heroes making their way inside the building.
Capt. Taco: What fools. They dare try to match wits with the Spectacular Capt. Taco! I have given more effort into drinking a beer upside down while having sex with ten supermodels than I will give into stopping these fools.
Pillz, Primus, and Pero had made their way inside Capt. Taco's lair.
Pillz: Be careful guys. This Capt. Taco is a dangerous man. We must be cautious.
Primus: If only my powers didn't suck. If only my life didn't suck! Why must I be tortured so!
Pillz: I haven't the slightest idea as to what brought that all on, but I'll tell you this: Even the most suckiest of powers can be useful when used in the right hands. Now, your little butter knives are quite possibly the stupidest things I have ever laid my eyes on, but they did save our bacon back at the comic store, did they not?
Primus: Yeah, I guess so.
Pero: Even the weakest of individuals have their moments of strength.
Pillz and Primus stared at Pero.
Pero: What? I'm not an idiot all of the time.
Pillz: Come on, let's go!
They stormed into Capt. Taco's main room, where he was waiting for them.
Capt. Taco: Well, well, well. If it isn't the Dysfunctional Duo and their stupid little friend.
Pillz: It's over for you Capt. Taco!
Capt. Taco: Ha! It has just begun. My evil plan of stealing all of those worthless comics was for one simple goal. I wanted to get my hands on all of the issues of Shadowhawk #1 I could find! After getting my hands on a majority of them, I would destroy them, leaving my mint condition copy in it's plastic case to skyrocket in price!
Pillz: That's crazy. A scheme like that would never work! When were you planning to do this?
Capt. Taco: Do it? Pillz, I'm not your common villain. Do you seriously think I would tell you my plan, knowing that you might thwart it? I did it thirty minutes ago!
Capt. Taco let loose a laugh. He didn't notice Crunchy come into the room.
Crunchy: Boss, I got all of those issues of Shadowhawk ready for you to destroy them.
Capt. Taco: You god damn fool! Get the hell out of here.
Pillz: Sucks to be you my friend.
Capt. Taco: Eat shit and die, shithead!
Pillz aimed his ring, he sent out a blast towards Capt. Taco.
Capt. Taco was ready for it. He had reached over and grabbed his shield in time. His shield looked like a giant crunchwrap supreme.* The shield, being yellow, deflected the blast.
*Available at Taco Bell for only $1.99!
Capt. Taco: Woo-hoo. Didn't see that one coming did you?
Pillz: As a matter of fact, I kinda did.
Capt. Taco: Oh yeah, well see this coming! Capt. Taco throws his mighty shield!
Capt. Taco threw his mighty shield at Pillz. Primus jumped out in front of him, butter knives extended.
Primus cut right through the shield, which in fact was a giant crunchwrap supreme.
Primus: Yes! I used my power! And it stopped your stupid shield.
Capt. Taco: It won't stop these.
He held up four tacos in his hand.
Capt. Taco: These are razor sharp Tacorangs.
He threw them at Primus, cutting off his butter knives. Primus screamed in pain.
Capt. Taco: Well. it seems the only one left out of your pathetic group to stop me is the retard.
Pero took one step closer to Capt. Taco.
Pero: Fear the retard.
Pero started to grow. He turned into Pero Hulk. Pero Hulk reached out and grabbed Capt. Taco, crushing his bones in the process.
Primus: Well, I lost my powers, but we won. I guess that's all that matters, right Pillz?
Primus turned around to look at Pillz. But Pillz was not there.
Primus: Pillz!
Pillz came out of another room.
Primus: Why did you run away?
Pillz: I didn't. When I saw that Pero was going to win, I went and destroyed those Shadowhawk books.
Primus: Why?
Pillz: Because Shadowhawk sucks.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)