Satyr woke up to find Gweg in the kitchen, staring out the window. Gweg looked upset.
Satyr: What's wrong with you?
Gweg motioned to the paper on the table.
Satyr looked at the paper. He neglected to read the headline and stared at the picture on the front page. It had a beautiful young woman in it holding hands with an older woman. Both of them were crying.
Satyr: Who is that? She is hot as hell!
Gweg: That's Mindy Roberts. Her husband, James, was killed over in Iraq a few days ago.
Satyr: Really. Well, I'll be more than happy to console her.
Gweg turned from the window to face Satyr. It was now clear to Satyr that Gweg had been crying.
Gweg: Listen you prick, her and her husband were very good friends of mine back in high school, and I'd appreciate it if you kept your crude comments to yourself about it.
Satyr: Fine Gweg, I'll say no more. I'm sorry for your loss.
Gweg: Thank you.
Satyr: If you guys were such good buddies, how come they never been here.
Gweg: Like I would ever subject them to you.
Satyr: Well, you should have, it might have toughened that boy right up. Get him prepared for the big nasty war.
Gweg turned away from Satyr and sighed. Satyr always had lousy timing. Satyr had been on the campaign trail with John McCain. After the election was over, Satyr went into hiding for a month until things cooled down. When Satyr had arrived home yesterday, he explained to Gweg that several Republican supporters were trying to track him down.
Satyr: Just because I told McCain to choose Palin as his running mate, all of the sudden, I'm the bad guy.
Gweg couldn't complain about this. He was an Obama supporter. And it was nice to have the
apartment to himself for all of those months. He also finally got to spend time with some friends. Mindy Roberts being one of those friends. She had needed someone to be there for her while James was over serving in Iraq.
At the table, Satyr had skipped past the article on James and went right to the Classifieds.
Satyr: Well, since I'm no longer a Campaign Saboteur, I'd better find myself a new job.
Gweg left from the window and grabbed his jacket and keys.
Gweg: I'm going out for a drive. I need to clear my head.
Satyr: Could you pick up some beef jerky?
Gweg walked out the door before answering.
The Day Before the Wake.
Gweg had called Mindy up and asked about the arrangements for the funeral. Gweg offered her all of his support and told Mindy he would give a eulogy. After the call, Gweg began to look through his closet to find the clothes he was going to wear.
Satyr had walked past his door and snuck a peek at what Gweg was doing.\
Satyr: Whatcha up to Gweg?
Gweg: I'm getting my clothes for the funeral.
Satyr: Whose?
Gweg: James Roberts'.
Satyr: Oh yeah, that one. Hey, I'm going to that one too!
Gweg Stopped looking through his closet and turned around to Satyr.
Gweg: What do you mean you are going to the funeral? You didn't know them. You have no business being there.
Satyr: Au contraire. It is my business being there.
Gweg: How so?
Satyr: Does the name Stacy Wexler mean anything to you?
Gweg: That's James' sister. How do you know her?
Satyr: She hired me.
Gweg: To do what?
Satyr laughed and motioned to Gweg's bed.
Satyr: You might want to have a seat. Seems like you good friend Mindy was up to no good while her hubby was out fighting for her very freedom.
Gweg: Just tell me what this is about.
Satyr: Your dead friend's sister hired me to investigate her sister-in-law. Stacy is under the distinct impression that Mindy was fooling around with someone while James was in Iraq. And she wants me to find out who.
Gweg held his face with his hands. He couldn't believe what he was hearing.
Gweg: This is a lot of stuff you're feeding me here. First off, why would Stacy hire you?
Satyr: I told you I needed a new job. So I became a private investigator.
Gweg: People don't become private investigators over night.
Satyr: I already have all of the licenses and permits to become one. I just had to open up shop this morning. And Mrs. Wexler just happened to be my first client.
Gweg: Fine. But why does she have you investigating at the funeral?
Satyr: I'll be at the funeral and the wake. Stacy wasn't to keen on the idea, but once I explained to her that that would be the best time to observe Mindy, because it's when she'll be most vulnerable and have her guard down, she was up for it.
Gweg: I just can't believe she would have someone like you there at her brother's funeral.
Satyr: She is obviously angry and distraught. How dare this floozy go taking it around town when her husband is putting his life on the line!
Gweg: You just wait one second, you have no proof she was doing that.
Satyr: Oh, but I'll get it. And Satyr's Sleuth Service will be the number one investigation agency in town.
Satyr walked away from Gweg's room, leaving Gweg to sit on his bed stunned. Gweg knew about Mindy's adultery, and wondered how Stacy had found out about it. Gweg was not worried about Satyr discovering anything, but more worried about Satyr making a catastrophe of the services.
He had to tell Mindy that Stacy knew about the affair. Gweg tried calling, but got a busy signal. He would have to tell her tomorrow.
Meanwhile, Satyr went to his room and began to gather his things for the wake. He wasn't trying to find any clothes, he would wear his usual outfit. Satyr was digging out his spying equipment. Once he had all of his tools out, Satyr looked at the picture of Mindy Roberts he had posted on his wall.
Satyr: You are going down, bitch.
The Day of the Wake
Gweg had gotten up early. He wanted to look as nice as possible. James had been a very good friend to Gweg in high school. It was Gweg who also introduced Mindy to James. After high school. James and Mindy had moved away so they could both attend the same college. They got married during that time. James had also dropped out to join the army. Gweg kept in contact with them the whole time. He was thrilled when they had moved back into town two years ago. But once James had been medically cleared from a leg injury, he had been shipped out to Iraq.
Once Gweg was dressed, he looked over the speech he was going to give at the funeral tomorrow. He made some changes and told Satyr he was ready to go.
Satyr came out, wearing nothing but his trench coat and hair that looked like he had just gotten out of bed. Satyr brushed his hair down with his hands. He went back into his bedroom and came back out, holding a briefcase.
Gweg: What is that?
Satyr: Equipment. You may be going to this thing to have a good time, but I'm going there because it's my job.
Gweg: I'm not going there to have a good time. It's my friend's wake.
Satyr: Why do they call it a wake? The guy is clearly not.
Gweg: Don't start in. Let's just go to this thing.
Satyr and Gweg got into their car and headed to the wake.
On their way, they noticed signs businesses had put up, showing their support for James.
As Satyr drove by them, all he could do was shake his head and sigh.
Gweg: What's the matter with you.
Satyr: That.
He pointed at one of the signs.
Gweg: Why do you have a problem with that? I think it's very nice and respectful.
Satyr laughed.
Satyr: Respectful? You are so naive.
Gweg: How so?
Satyr: So, all of these places just unanimously decided to go out and place their "respect" for a guy they didn't know.
Gweg: Why do you have to be so cynical? People can do nice things without some ulterior motive.
Satyr scoffed and pointed at the McDonald's sign.
Satyr: Look at that one. The have two reader boards up. The one on top says "God Bless the fallen soldier and his family" and the bottom one says "Try a Big Mac for only a $1.99". You see, there is no difference there. It's all called advertising. They are saying, "Yeah, we feel sad for the poor guy too, now buy our burger." They don't even bother to put his real name up. They don't care. Just one less customer down, time to rack in some more.
Gweg: You got it all wrong.
Satyr: Do I? You damn well know not every store in this town thought about putting a sign up until somebody else did. All it takes is one business to put a sing up and the rest fall into place. "Well, hell, oh Larry's Hardware put up a RIP sing for that guy that got killed in Iraq, we best put one up to so we don't look like insensitive jerks." You see, it's about business. Speaking of which, I'm hungry for a Big Mac now, they are going to have food at this wake right?
Gweg: Yes.
Satyr: People standing around eating food next to a dead guy. I love it.
They arrived at the funeral home.
Satyr: Ok. Here's the story. When people ask what I'm doing here, you tell them that I am your grief counselor and I'm here because you really need the support.
Gweg: That's asinine.
Satyr: It's the story, or do you want me to tell people the truth; that while your good buddy was out fighting an insurgence in Iraq, his wife was back here having an insurgence of her own?
Gweg: Despite that being the worst euphemism ever, I don't want you spreading around that lie. So, yes, I'll go along with your story.
Satyr: Good. Let's get in there before the clean out the buffet.
Satyr and Gweg entered the funeral home and signed the guest registry.
Satyr: Ok. I'm going to investigate.
Gweg: Don't fool around.
Satyr: Don't worry about that, I'm not like the widow.
Satyr left the entryway and went into the room where the wake was being held.
Gweg heard someone call out his name from behind him. He turned around and saw Mindy. She looked as beautiful as ever.
Mindy: Thank you for coming, Gweg.
Gweg: Not at all.
Mindy turned to the two people she was with and excused herself from them.
Mindy: Gweg, could you come with me.
Mindy led Gweg to an unoccupied room. She embraced Gweg and the two began to kiss.
A moment later, Gweg released himself from her.
Gweg: Should we be doing this here, it is James' wake after all.
Mindy: I know, but even with all that has happened this past week, I can't stop thinking about you. You were the only person who was there for me when James was away. And now that he's gone for good, I need you more than ever.
Gweg: I can't help but feeling guilty for what we did. we betrayed his trust.
Mindy looked at Gweg with angry eyes.
Mindy: No! He betrayed mine! I told him not to drop out of college and join the army. I told his. And now look where it's gotten him. Besides, you were a better lover than he was. All he did was pump into me and fell asleep. You actually made sure I was getting pleased. And you would cuddle with me. I'm sad he's gone. I did love him. But I love you as well and I need you now.
She threw herself into Gweg's arms. He held her there for a minute and gave in to her temptation.
Meanwhile, Satyr was investigating.
Satyr believed his best advantage was to find out whether James had suspected anything. satyr saw a group of four men in their army uniforms. Satyr made his way over to them and waited for his chance to get into their conversation.
Soldier 1: I agree. We need to get out of that country. It's complete shit.
Soldier 3: We need to finish up.
Soldier 4. Whatever the case maybe, I know we should never have gone there in the fist place. I joined up because of 9/11, and Iraq has got nothing to do with that.
Soldier 2: I joined the army in 2000, back then I thought I'd never fight in a war. Boy was I wrong. I still remember the first time I killed a man.
Satyr: I bet that was sweet.
Soldier 2: Excuse me.
Satyr: When you first killed a guy. It was sweet, wasn't it. It's like a rush. Your head becomes clear and you get this feeling of power. And the best part is, that guy you killed is going to become your slave in the afterlife.
Soldier 1: Who are you.
Satyr: Oh, I'm a grief counselor. Speaking of which. You guys ever get the feeling when you're overseas fighting, that your girl back here might be cheating on you.
Soldier 4: No, Karen loves me.
Satyr: Yeah, I don't doubt that. But you're over there, on the other side of the world, and she's back here, with needs a vibrator ain't gonna fulfill.
Soldier: 2 Shut-up, you are making me worried about it now.
Satyr: Well, you should be. Speaking of, do any of you guys know if James was worried about that kind of thing.
Soldier 3: No. Him and his wife were always talking to each other on his cell when they got the chance. Why do you want to know?
Satyr: Professional curiosity. You, gentlemen, have a nice day.
That didn't help much, Satyr thought. He saw Stacy Wexler, standing next to her brother's casket.
Satyr went up to it and peered inside.
Satyr: Wasn't a head wound that did him in huh? That's good. You get to have an open casket funeral. But sometimes these restorative artists can do wonders. An old buddy of mine was shot right through the eye, the bullet went out the back of his head. Hell of thing. But when it came time for his funeral, he looked good as new. Well, he kind of looked like a pirate anyway, they had to put a patch over the eye socket where he got shot, but other than that. He looked terrific.
Stacy: That's nice. Any news on my sister-in-law. Or former sister-in-law I should say.
Satyr: Nada. Is there anyone you suspect that she was struping, cause that would help out.
Stacy: I talked to her neighbor, she saw a white male, about 5 foot 9 at the house several times during the week. He had dirty blond hair.
Satyr: Hmmm, I'll keep an eye out.
Satyr began to scan the room. He saw a young man with the features Stacy had given him. satyr decided to keep a watch on this guy.
Several minutes went by. The widow had finally come out of hiding and was making her way through the room. Getting hugged by various people, a comforting hand rub on the shoulder from others, then she made her way to the man Satyr was watching.
They had hugged a few seconds longer than she did with the other people. And he began to rub her shoulder. She was very relaxed around him, comfortable. The body language didn't lie. Satyr looked around the room and saw Gweg.
Satyr ran over to him and pointed a finger at him.
Satyr: It's all over. I know everything.
Gweg was stunned. Had Satyr followed them?
Gweg: How?
Satyr: See that guy she is standing with over there. Yeah, him. That's the guy she's been fucking.
Gweg: That's her cousin.
Satyr: Those sick freaks!
Gweg: She is not having sex with her cousin.
Satyr: Well, damn, there goes my only good lead.
Gweg: Maybe you aren't getting anywhere in your investigation because she never cheated on him.
Satyr: No, she did. I can tell just by looking at her. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure she just had sex. Her hair is a bit ruffled. Her skin has a bit of a glow. She is very relaxed for someone whose husband's corpse is laying a few feet away. See, Gweg, I have an eye for detail and a great deductive mind. Putting 2 and 2 together is my specialty. By the way, the back of your shirt is untucked and you may want to comb your hair. You look like you've been roughhousing with somebody.
Gweg: Thanks.
The rest of the wake went off without a hitch. Satyr didn't discover any new information and Gweg talked to some old friends.
The Day of the Funeral.
Gweg and Satyr were getting ready for the funeral.
Gweg was dressed. Satyr came out of his room, empty handed.
Gweg: No spy stuff today?
Satyr: They weren't helping me. I placed hidden microphones in the room, but all I could pick up is a bunch of people catching up on their lives and talking about the dead guy. And I could use my binoculars because I would look suspicious.
Gweg: Like I said, you are not going to find anything. And you don't need to some to the funeral. People will just be sitting down through the service and talking about James. Nothing is going to happen.
Satyr: But something might. And I need to be there when it does. Besides, whoever was boning her might let something slip if he gives a speech, so I need to hear it. And if that doesn't work, I have a few tricks up my sleeve.
Gweg: Just behave yourself.
They arrived at the funeral home thirty minutes later. They took their seats and the preacher began to read from the Bible. After some prayers, Gweg went up to give his eulogy.
Gweg: James Roberts was a very good friend. We met in Junior High when we had lockers right next to each other. Throughout school, I could always count on James to get my back. He was always watching out for me, when the school bullies began to throw their food at me, James would put a stop to it.
Gweg paused when he heard Satyr let out a little laugh. He swallowed and continued.
Gweg: I had the pleasure of introducing Mindy to James. Mindy had moved in next door to me. Her family home-schooled her, so James and her would never have known of each other. Having visited my new next door neighbors a few times, I knew this beautiful girl would be perfect for James. So I got the two together. Whenever Mindy wasn't looking, James would point to a place on her body and give me a thumbs up.
This time, several laughs came from the room. This time, Gweg was expecting it.
Gweg: When James and Mindy moved away, I felt they took a part of me with them. I missed them dearly but always kept in touch. James made sure I did. If I hadn't called within two days, James would call me up and give me hell. When they got married, I felt sorry that I couldn't be there but was happy because I knew they were happy.
By this point, Satyr began wiping fake tears away from his face. He elbowed the person sitting next to him and began making a jerking -off gesture. Gweg continued on.
Gweg: When they moved back, I was thrilled. James had been through the Army, but hadn't seemed to change one bit. When he went to Iraq, I wasn't worried. If anyone could handle a war, it would be James.
Apparently not, Satyr thought.
Gweg: James asked me to look after Mindy while he was gone. And so I did. We spent many nights together talking about what a great guy James is. I'm sorry you're gone James, but I will always remember you. And I thank you for everything you have given me.
Gweg cast a quick guilty look over to Mindy. Stacy began to look Gweg with fury in her eyes. Satyr was too busy staring at his watch.
After the other people gave speeches about James, everyone got up and began to head out to their cars for the funeral procession.
Satyr and Gweg headed towards their car. They saw Mindy get into the front of the hearse.
Satyr: That's unusual. I've never seen a wife ride with the casket to the grave site.
Gweg: She wants to be with her husband on the way there. One last car ride together.
Satyr then saw the driver of the hearse. He was a shorter man with dirty blond hair.
Satyr: excuse me a second Gweg, I forgot something.
Satyr ran over to the hearse and pulled out a pill bottle. He gave a couple of the pills to Mindy. After Mindy took them, Satyr ran back over to his car.
Gweg: What was that about?
Satyr: I had some Prozac that I wanted to give her. To calm her down. She looked really upset.
Gweg: Yeah, that happens at funerals.
Satyr: You're upset too, maybe you should let me drive during this thing.
Gweg: Fine.
Gweg got into the car, just before Satyr could step in, Stacy ran up to him.
Stacy: Did you see what I saw? It was him!
Satyr: Yeah, I saw him too. Don't worry. I'm going to get the proof and expose her for what she is.
Stacy: I'm glad to hear it.
They got into their cars and rolled out.
The cemetery was 6 miles away.
Satyr and Gweg were five cars back from the hearse.
Satyr kept swerving the car over to the right and back again every so often.
Gweg: Why can't you drive in a straight line like everyone else?
Satyr: I'm looking for something.
Gweg: What?
Satyr: Oh, you'll see it.
Satyr checked his watch.
Satyr: It should have kicked in by now.
Gweg figured Satyr was talking about the Prozac but then came to his sense.
Gweg: What should have kicked in by now?
Satyr smiled.
Satyr: I don't know why I need binoculars. My eyesight is great. I can see the hearse's side-view mirror just fine from here.
Gweg asked his question again.
Satyr: Remember my Satyr Spanish Fly. That's what I really gave her. The driver of the hearse, he's the one she's been cheating with. Now, I'm going to catch them in the act. NOW!
Satyr pulled out of the line and into the other lane. He sped up next to the hearse and pulled out a camera.
Satyr: Grab the wheel!
Satyr let go of the wheel and pulled a camera out of the car's console. Gweg grabbed ahold of the wheel.
In the hearse, Mindy was in the middle of giving the driver of the hearse a blow job.
Satyr: What a slut! I got her. Oh yeah, that's the money shot right there.
Satyr took several pictures. And in the process, fell on top of Gweg.
Gweg had lost control of the wheel and they swerved right into the hearse.
Unfortunately, the road they were on was on the top of a steep incline. The hearse had left the road and begin to roll down the side of the hill. It stopped when it hit a tree at the bottom of the incline.
Gweg and Satyr, along with other from the procession had made their way down to the accident, they had found there were two dead bodies in the hearse.
The casket had slid up into the cabin of the hearse and had decapitated Mindy
Gweg began to scream and cry. Satyr took his digital camera over to Stacy and showed her the pics.
Satyr: It's poetic ain't it. She lost her head after giving head.
Stacy: You're sick.
Satyr shrugged and took a couple pictures more pictures of Mindy.
Gweg finally got up and turned Satyr around to face him.
Gweg: You son of a bitch! You want the truth? It was me! I was the one she was sleeping with. You did all of this for nothing. It was me!
Satyr just stared at Gweg. He looked back at Mindy's decapitated body and back to Gweg.
Satyr: It was you the whole time?
Gweg wiped away his tears.
Gweg: Yes.
Satyr laughed.
Satyr: I don't buy that for a second.
The End.
