German cardinal elected new pope
Ratzinger to be known as Benedict XVI
VATICAN CITY (CNN) -- Wearing traditional papal robes and a large smile, Joseph Ratzinger of Germany appeared Tuesday on a Vatican balcony as the 265th pontiff, Benedict XVI, as tens of thousands gathered in St. Peter's Square to cheer him.
Gweg put down his paper as Satyr entered the room.
Satyr: What were you reading that was so interesting?
Gweg: They elected a new pope.
Satyr: They did what?
Gweg: They got a new pope. His name Ratzinger.
Satyr: Those sons-of-bitches. I should have been the new pope.
Gweg: Why you?
Satyr: Because I would have taught those Christians a thing or two.
Gweg: They are Catholics.
Satyr: Whatever. There is only one thing to do now, I must go to the Vatican and challenge the new pope.
Gweg: Oh goodie.
And so it was, Satyr & Gweg went to Vatican City.
As soon as they got off their plane, they heard a strange female voice that seemed to come from everywhere.
Strange Female Voice: WHY ARE THEY LETTING ME SUFFER?
Satyr: Eh, that was weird.
Satyr & Gweg arrived at the Vatican where Pope Benedict was giving a speech.
Pope Benedict: Yeah, dat is good. We shall rain down much hell on all the infidels.
Satyr: Yo, Pope! You and me are going brawl, winner take all!
Pope Ben: Yah, bring it on ya chump.
Satyr leapt from the ground, reached behind his back, drew a sword, and used it to cut off Pope Ben's head.
As the head landed on the ground, circuitry could be seen coming up from the decapitated Pope's body. The head landed amidst a bunch of sparks.
Satyr: Son of a monkeyfucker on acid. It was a Pope Bot.
Satyr heard a voice high above him. It was the real Pope Ben shouting from a window.
Pope Ben: Ha ha silly Satyr, you will never defeat me. There are plenty more Pope Bots where dat came from.
Gweg: Well, this was a waste of time.
Satyr: It's not over yet. I have one more trick up my sleeve. Come on.
Gweg and Satyr went over to St. Peter's Basilica, where they bury the popes. When they got there, they heard the strange female voice again.
Strange Female Voice: JUST LET ME DIE! PLEASE LET ME DIE!
Satyr: Man, that is really starting to creep me out.
Gweg: What are we doing here?
Satyr: We satyrs have many great abilities. Such as the one you are about to witness.
Gweg: Damn, I wish I had brought popcorn.
Satyr gave Gweg a scornful look and then got down on his knees.
Satyr: Oh wise and strong Pope John Paul, please come and help us.
Pope John Paul's Ghost: What's da matta wit you?
Satyr: I need your help to defeat the new evil Nazi pope.
Pope JP's Ghost: Why shoulda I helpa you?
Satyr: He called Castro a bitch.
Pope JP's Ghost: Let'sa kicka his ass.
Gweg: Why do you have a bad Italian accent? You were Polish.
Pope: Hey, I'm dead. It's about time I get to make fun of that accent.
Satyr, Gweg, & Pope John Paul's Ghost get back to the front of Vatican City. Satyr calls out Pope Ben.
After he does that, 12 Popebots come out and confront them.
Satyr: Crap, there's too many.
Pope JP's Ghost: It's ok Satyr, the real one is there with them, he's the second one from the left.
Satyr whips out his AK-47 and puts about 50 rounds into the body of Pope Benedict.
Satyr: The Pope is dead! Long live Pope Satyr!
The Popebots look at the smoking corpse of Pope Ben and start talking to each other, then all of the sudden, they combine into one giant Popebot!
Giant Popebot: We are Mega Popezoid! We will kill you!
Satyr: Oh shit.
Pope JP's Ghost: Quick, follow me!
Pope Jp leads Satyr to the Vatican's parking lot where sits the famous Popemobile. Satyrand Pope JP climbed inside.
Satyr: How is this supposed to keep me safe?
Pope JP's Ghost: I don't know, I always felt safe in it.
Satyr: The Mega Popezoid will crush me in this thing!
Pope JP's Ghost: Eh, it won't hurt me, I'm just a ghost.
Satyr: That's it. The Power of Pan Compels You!
After Saty said that, the ghost of Pope John Paul banished in thin air. Satyr heard the Mega Popezoid coming closer and hurried out of the Popemobile. As he climbed out, he saw a strange button behind the gas cap. Satyr pushed it.
The Popemobile suddenly turned into a giant robot! It was a transformer. As the Mega Popezoid came into view, the Popemobile instantly took it's battle stance in what would have been the greatest robot fight since R2-D2 VS. H.E.R.B.I.E.
But something strange started happening. The sky started getting dark. Gweg ran up to Satyr screaming.
Gweg: This isn't real! It's all fake! It's all going fast!
Satyr: What!
Then they heard a new voice that seemed to come from everywhere. This voice was male.
Strange Male Voice: Finally, she can rest in peace.
And everything went black.
Terri Schiavo has died
Thursday, March 31, 2005 Posted: 10:07 AM EST (1507 GMT)
WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Terri Schiavo, the 41-year-old brain-damaged woman who became the centerpiece of a national right-to-die battle, died Thursday morning, nearly two weeks after doctors removed the feeding tube that had sustained her for more than a decade.
Gweg put down his paper as Satyr entered the room.
Satyr: What were you reading that was so interesting?
Gweg: Terri Schiavo died.
Satyr: Well it's about damn time.
Gweg: That's a bit insensitive.
Satyr: What? She was suffering, I said a long time ago they should just let her rest in peace.
Gweg: Oh. Well, it's usually bad stuff that comes from your mouth.
Satyr: Whatever. Hey, I bet you ten bucks that Pope John Paul is the next one to kick the bucket.
